Work Text:
Specifically, thirty-three days ago, Eddie admit it aloud.
Cars, silver, black, red, silver, silver, were lining up as the traffic lights went red – Nearby, Eddie’s car was parked, and he was sitting comfortably, fidgeting a spoon between his fingers, the liquid inside of his cup long gone.
Faintly, he could hear his kid laughing along with Hen’s kid laughing, bikes, trees, joining the sounds of their surroundings.
His mind was elsewhere. If anything, the minutes he spent silently contemplating what to say gave him away.
“You know I love spending time with you and Christopher, Denny does too. I mean, look at them.” Hen gestured to the kids, keenness present in her tone, and then she sighed. “We’ve been sitting here for an hour and I can tell you’re nervous. I know something is going on. What is it?”
Eddie let out a breath he wasn’t even aware he was holding and got straight to the point.
“How did you know?”
Hen’s eyebrows were furrowed.
“Know?”
“Yeah, how…” He trailed off rather awkwardly, stumbling in the muteness that followed, posteriorly. “Eva, Karen,” he tried, almost like if he was name-dropping. Hen’s furrow deepened and Eddie got even more exasperated. “This is hard for me. It’s complicated.”
“How complicated?” Hen inquired carefully.
Explaining was much easier in theory.
“I don’t know what to do.” He paused for a while. “I tried to stop it, I did. I know it’s not, we’re not, I’m not… I don’t know anymore.” Eddie hid his face in his hands, exhaling. “I’m in my thirties, Hen, I have a kid. I can't risk messing things up for me and Chris, just because my brain decided it would be a good idea to like someone like this.”
"Ok, I guess I get it. Do I know this person?” She asked in the calmest of the tones. Eddie slowly nodded. "You’ve mentioned Karen," she contemplated, trying to connect the missing dots, until realization hit her and her eyes went wide. "Oh my God, Eddie, is it—"
"Please, don’t judge me." The air was suddenly heavy in his lungs. "Things weren't supposed to be like this."
"Oh, Eddie," Hen said sympathetically. “I would never judge you.”
"I tried to brush it off, to pretend nothing was happening, to deny it, to force it out, but I can't. This isn’t me. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore."
“When did it happen?”
Eddie shrugged. “I don’t really know. It just did.”
"I could ask you if you’re sure about this, but I guess you are.”
He confirmed. “I am.”
"I get it. I would never feed his ego like this but I get it," she smiled despite the seriousness of the moment. "No, really, he's the most self-sacrificing, kind-hearted human being I've ever met. He's crazy about your kid and if I'm being honest he's crazy about you too. You should tell him, be honest with him when you’re ready.”
Eddie looked away, directing his gaze to a carefree, happy Christopher.
"Hey, cheer up." Hen touched his forearm in nothing but softness, “I would love to come up with a solution and tell you everything is about to be easy and smooth, but I can’t, you have to figure this out by yourself.” She looked him in the eyes. “If I could give you any advice, I would say, don’t try to rush it, you don’t have to fit in this or that right away. Just don’t try to burry everything inside, it doesn’t work and it hurts too much." She squeezed his arm. “You know I’m always here for you, right?”
"I know," he genuinely smiled. “Thank you, Hen.”
"Come here, pretty boy." Hen hugged him in a reassuring embrace that he promptly reciprocated.
-
Eddie pondered on when he started having changes in his behavior, when it started for him, when he first noticed it, picking the time Christopher went to Summer Camp, which pretty much solidified the fact that Eddie didn’t know how to just be – no obligations except, of course, for work. His son wasn’t some sort of encumbrance in Eddie’s single-parenting. Christopher was a constant, both his soft spot and strong point, something he was used to, the highlight of most of his days. It was impossible not to miss him.
Buck was there for Eddie, and with Eddie at all times during those two slow-passing weeks. Eddie knew and appreciated his concerns and just how much he cared.
Therefore, most days in his son’s absence were spent with extra shifts (money, he could definitely use the money), and starting a new workout routine. Eddie’s been lacking on that department for some time, so weight lifting coupled with running should do the trick, his body had muscle memory after all and maybe, in a matter of days, he would get his fitness back in track and hopefully clear his head in the process. Without his good-luck charm around, there was just too much free time to think and his ghosts would start haunting him, coming right up to the surface. Eddie needed to anchor himself, to shield himself from such thoughts as he mastered in doing.
Luckily again, Buck was there for him, at all times, even his morning runs, despite Eddie knowing way too well how much Buck wasn’t exactly fond of waking up early on a day off, not to mention the chances of overworking his once injured leg. Also, Eddie never wanted to be a burden, especially not to Buck, but he couldn’t find it in himself to try and stop him from tagging along. For all he knew, there was nothing wrong with sharing more time, beers and space. Basking on Buck’s brightness and terrible skills at gaming was part of the process.
It was only natural. They were friends after all. Best friends.
Other than that, nothing was really out of the ordinary. Not when his son got back, and not when their routines made Eddie once again wish some days were longer than 24 hours.
Naivety was never one of his traits before.
-
One of their first calls moved the 118 of all places, to a Dairy Queen, where a 19-year-old employee had gotten her fingers caught, stuck in an ice cream machine’s mechanism. Judging by the look of horror and her inability to form a coherent sentence or explain why her fingers got stuck in the first place, that Monday was due to be an interesting day.
The mysticism of (some, most) hating Mondays dies down completely when it comes to Mondays at a firehouse, considering they all work long shifts and not a Monday to Friday, free Saturday, free Sunday, regular job. In actuality, there was nothing regular about the job.
Buck started cutting the engines open as Eddie was aiming towards casing to slide the victim’s hand out fully intact. Eddie couldn’t quite pinpoint the moment – Buck looked at him, eyes reassuring and as bright as they could be behind his safety-glasses, a slight relaxed smile on his lips, like it was the easiest thing on earth, like he could grin and then everything would turn out to be amazing. It was over before Eddie had the chance to process.
“Eddie?” Chim’s face was a big riddle for a moment, Eddie blinked a few times. It was over, the victim was free, and he was holding a piece of the ice cream machine with his gloved hands, looking dumbfounded and feeling.
Hen and Chim were already checking the girl, trying to calm her down as much as possible, it was too early to say – her fingers, bruised. The tendons, the nerves, proximal phalange, middle phalange and distal phalange, still all connected to her hand. Apparently so.
Eddie was left with a funny sensation in his stomach, still holding that stupid piece of engine.
-
Keep you balance. Ground your feet. Keep your hands up.
What most people didn’t understand, was that hitting the heavy bag, felt a lot like going on a run. It was all about breathing steadily, and not about trying to hit hard or do too much.
Punch, don’t push, hit it. Look forward. Move your feet when you’re not punching.
One (hit), two (hit), three (hit), deflect and breathe. One (hit), two (hit), three (hit), deflect and breathe. Repeat.
From the corner of his eye, Eddie got a glimpse of Buck, dressed in his gym clothes, a towel resting on his left shoulder, fully fixated on his phone.
One (hit), two (hit), three (hit), deflect and breathe. One (hit), two (hit), three (hit), deflect and breathe. Repeat.
Eddie was so compelled to finish his last sequence of 45 seconds that he barely managed to comprehend what was happening.
One last punch after, he took a swig of water, gulping quickly, finally paying attention to Buck, who looked absolutely thunderstruck, his eyes glued to his phone.
“Hey,” Eddie approached the other man, and he finally looked up from the device with quite glassy eyes. Eddie’s shoulders tensed at the sight.
“Eddie…” Buck was beaming at him with the widest, most genuine smile he’s ever seen. “It’s a girl!”
Oh.
Oh.
“What? Man, that’s great news!” Eddie was smiling too, already aiming for a commending hug. Buck met him halfway, tightening his arms and his grip – it was a little sticky with sweat, a little weirdly angled, but warm, comforting, full of zeal, and Eddie was relaxing in the joyful, sunshiny energy emanating from that hug, and how (happy, happy) Buck’s entire body was vibrating with wet-laughter against Eddie’s skin, tingling and present and easy.
Eddie felt a weirdly terrifying, stomach-dropping sensation for a moment and Buck, being the first one to pull back, seemed completely unaware.
“I need to call Maddie, I-I”, he was smiling too hard, eyes lit like a Christmas tree. He vaguely excused himself, phone in hand.
Eddie was unable to complete his next sequence, unfocused, the heavy bag seemed to be staring at him judgingly.
-
Carla was a blessing in Christopher’s life. Well, Carla was a blessing in his life too.
No cereal in sight, there was a plate full of pancakes in front of his kid and mug with fresh coffee in his hand – Eddie knew his cooking skills were seriously lacking and as much as he tried, his kitchen, all pots and pans, clearly hated his guts.
“Are you sure you don’t want any pancakes?” Carla asked, still close to the stove, ready to put more batter inside of the heating pan.
“They’re really good, dad!” Christopher affirmed, mouthful, forking his way through a chocolate chip pancake, Carla was laughing amusedly.
Eddie had no doubt that they were good, but it was Cap’s famous scrambled eggs and bacon day, so he naturally couldn’t pass on the opportunity.
Eddie’s phone buzzed in his pocket.
Eddie frowned almost automatically. He typed:
It’s too early, don’t you think?
His phone buzzed again, in less than a minute.
I’m serious. Babies also have more bones than adults do.
Eddie closed his eyes and sighed.
Where did you learn all of this? The internet?
The next time his phone buzzed, the received text had an attachment, a photo of Buck holding a book to the camera, only a slight peak of the right side of his face, a few strands of hair and one of his blue eyes standing out.
Eddie smiled in spite of himself, zooming in on the photo, the book’s cover read as “Baby Facts: The Truth about Your Child’s Health from Newborn through Preschool”.
You’re going to be insufferable, aren’t you?
Another buzz.
See? I’m a great uncle already.
Eddie’s smile didn’t waver, it was impossibly fonder – he felt the nervous-inducing, stomach-dropping sensation again.
He pocketed his phone, and realized something in the atmosphere around him changed as he snapped out of his daze.
-
It was another one of those uneventful shifts, where boredom was the key word and even ‘cats on trees’ seemed appealing.
Eddie and Chim were sitting across from one another, in front of the TV, watching a pompous movie with a weird plot and waiting for the alarm to ring and end their misery. Well, Eddie’s misery.
Maybe sleeping would be a great deal, considering those 24 hours were dragging. He could eat, grab a snack if he was hungry, but it really wasn’t the case – Engaging in conversation with Chim would be great too, if only the guy didn’t seem so interested in whatever movie was on TV, so no.
Eddie grabbed his phone, looked at it for a solid few seconds, deciding to give up on the idea of doing anything related to it. In fact, he didn’t quite like the idea of being ‘online’, never understood the point of it. In all fairness, the fact that he seemed to be getting older by the day, didn’t help. Maybe he was too old for the whole internet thing, anyway.
He wondered how his kid was doing, if it wasn’t so late, he could call Chris to see whether he finished his homework, what he had for dinner, if there was anything new he wanted to talk about.
Buck plopped heavily on the couch, sharing Eddie’s space unceremoniously, his eyes attentive to the TV - Eddie’s haze of frustration almost prevented him from noticing Buck was around.
“What are you watching?” He asked enthusiastically, his mood clashing and contrasting with Eddie’s own.
Eddie didn’t care at this point. “Honestly? I don’t know.”
Chim shushed them before the conversation could go any further. Eddie just rolled his eyes and complied to keep quiet, accepting his fate, considering he was now, outnumbered.
Surprisingly enough about fifteen minutes later, without even meaning to, he forgot about how heavily tedious that shift was being on him, Buck’s side was warm and easing against Eddie’s, fact that didn’t escape the latter for a second.
-
Eddie could and should probably run faster. Buck could definitely keep up, but if limping slightly was any telling, Eddie was convinced that his leg was bothering him somehow.
"Buck, stop!” It seemed the reasonable thing to say, even if it came out harsher than he meant in the first place.
"What? Why?" Buck asked but submitted, cheeks red, sweaty-faced, panting and all.
"You seriously think I can't see you limping?" Eddie accused, pointing to the leg in suspicion. Buck immediately looked down at it.
"Yeah, no! It's fine, we were only warming up."
"Buck, we've been running for the past fifteen minutes. We’re way past any warm ups" Eddie pointed and Buck's eyes went wide.
"Eddie, I'm fine," he affirmed convincingly. Eddie just stared. "OK, you win," Buck breathed out, shrunk. "It’s kind of cold, I guess? I got a slight cramp, that’s’ all.”
Eddie felt the remaining bits of his patience vanishing.
"Buck, why would you go for a run when your leg is bothering you?"
"I don't know, man," he said, looking away. "We've been doing this for a while now and it really clears my head, I guess I didn't want to break tradition."
A tradition? They were, in fact, doing it for a while now. It definitely became a habit, a routine. Eddie never thought about it like this though, a tradition.
Buck was looking at him expectantly and Eddie didn't really know what to say.
"Should I run from you or…?" The little shit had the audacity to tease. Eddie rolled his eyes, feeling warmer than he anticipated.
"No more running for you," he said pointedly, feeling uneasy, but glad his voice didn’t show it.
Buck shot his hands up.
"Yes, sir."
-
Then, Eddie worried about him, but not at all like before. It was the easiest thing to do whenever Buck decided to pull a life-risking stunt, in true Buck fashion, if it meant saving somebody else’s life.
It was a delicate, tough rescue, smoke and flames, a collapsing building – they were on the sixth floor when a ceiling collapsed and Buck fell on his back two floors down, while Eddie managed to get a hold of the elderly woman they were trying to rescue, his heart skipping a bit, the adrenaline of the moment making his blood rush with the sudden fear of losing.
-
Then, homework and an oral test ensued.
Buck was terrible in all things school, and Christopher was outsmarting both of them.
Eddie asked. “Nine times eight equals?”
“I would say, fifty-six?” Buck tried and Christopher giggled openly.
“No, seventy-two,” he said, still giggling, when Buck shouted a “dammit” and proceeded to tickle the life out of Christopher, who tried to untangle from him, just to tickle back, making Eddie once again realize that he was dealing with two kids instead of one.
Eddie was nothing but a spectator at the moment.
He wouldn’t trade moments like this for anything else.
-
Then, Eddie didn’t even notice that he was basically fiddling with his fork against Bobby’s (alleged) perfectly cooked chicken, just to watch Buck stuffing his face with asparagus, not missing a beat to chew, until it was too late.
The chicken was cold when Eddie finally tasted it.
-
Then, a great portion of the 118 was out for drinks, discussing amenities, when a very attractive brunette seemingly in her late-twenties started making eyes at Buck, who was clearly clueless about the whole thing – not the first time it happened, but it bothered Eddie more than it should or cared to admit.
-
Then, Eddie became worrisomely aware of each and every time they had even the slightest amount of contact.
Like the time Buck was practically screaming in joy of finally beating him on The King of Fighters. His face was so close that when their arms touched casually, Eddie’s skin instantly tingled and warmed up, unsettlingly.
-
Then Eddie started talking less, interacting less and started avoiding Buck with the lamest excuses he could come up with.
-
Then Eddie punched and kicked, punched and kicked, took all of his unjustified annoyance out on a punching bag, but It didn’t make it any better, because his feelings were right there, still intact, unmoving, unresolved and evolving, strong.
-
If only he was able to really commit to therapy, to unravel and release some of the tension forming all around his already worked out, poorly thought-executing brain, he would be utterly sure that he was about to lose his mind and he just couldn’t stop, couldn’t refrain from feeling anew – all of the deep rooted frustrations towards things, moments, himself, pain, regret, despair clashing with something entirely new. Bothersome new. Scarily new. Known but new.
Eventually, realization came. He wasn’t dumb.
It was right there the entire time, in the back of his brain, right where he kept his demons at bay. He had a suspicion before, and that was the terrifying, game changing part. It was way too risky to come to light if it were true.
Uncharted territory.
Attraction, infatuation, affection?
He was no stranger to any of those. He was once married, he dated before. What else was there to know?
It kept him awake at night, on more than one occasion.
-
Forty-two days later, he woke up in a terrible, dreadful mood.
Hen’s words were fresh and meaningfully engraved in his brain, and still he was doing exactly what she advised him against.
In truth, he was nervous for work this morning, nervous for his shifts every day, nervous to see Buck and spend time with him, nervous about his questions on why Eddie was avoiding him, something he’d been clearly doing for a while now.
How was he supposed to tell Buck something quite like this? Maybe Buck would be weirded out and uncomfortable, laugh it off, think it's a joke.
Worst-case scenario, Buck would get far away from Eddie, away from Christopher, away from what they've built within time and Eddie couldn't afford to be responsible for his son losing someone that meant so much in his life. Eddie knew Buck wouldn't just disappear out of thin air, it was not like him to do such a thing, but everything was different when put in perspective.
Eddie just wanted some peace of mind and feeling on edge all the time wasn't helping his case.
-
The day at work was too busy and his mind was mostly occupied with it, thankfully – calls upon calls, from a domestic accident with a very sharp knife to an actually burned down house, no victims lost in the process.
If Eddie was quieter and more focused than normal, no one commented on it. He was still avoiding Buck with a good enough excuse, they were on the clock after all. There was no time for small talk, all hands on deck, focus and professionalism were much needed.
Buck kept throwing constant looks over Eddie's direction and Eddie felt like a major prick for not engaging in conversation when Buck obviously wanted him to. He could sense that even Cap was eyeing him weirdly, alongside a clueless Chim and a worried-looking Hen.
"Is everything OK?" Asked Chim.
Was it?
"Yeah." Eddie answered simple and final diverting his gaze.
Chim shrugged, clearly unconvinced.
-
Eddie was washing the last dish, after the team had a quick and quiet dinner, he felt someone touching his shoulder.
"Eddie? Can we talk?" Hen asked in a softer, lower tone, just in case of someone passing by them. The area looked clear, people were actually minding their own business.
"I just need to finish those," he pointed to a pile of already washed dishes before him, in hopes of getting out of a conversation he didn't want to have right now.
"Is everything alright?” The million-dollar question. “Did something happen between you and–”
"No”, Eddie cut her mid-sentence, feeling an unwelcomed angriness concerning her question. "Nothing happened. I'm fine."
Hen's expression told him loud and clear that she didn’t believe a word of what he just said.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Hen, I'm sure," he said too bleakly. "Can I please go back to washing the dishes?"
She stared at the dishes and then him for longer than he felt comfortable.
"Sure.”
Eddie sighed feeling increasingly worse than before.
-
The morning arrived painfully slow. Eddie was counting the seconds for the end of his shift. He wanted nothing more than his bed, his kid, his home, a sense of peace, anything.
Maybe if he just packed his belongings from his locker and shoved them inside of his bag, ignoring how it would offend his touch for cleanliness and organization, he would be able to get away from more questions, interactions, people in general, and just march towards his car, start the engines and drive away.
He successfully managed to do about sixty-percent of that, when he nearly bumped on Bobby on his way out.
“Sorry, Cap.” He let out instinctively.
“It’s okay.” Bobby crossed his arm, proceeding in being blunt. “Eddie, is everything all right? Do you need anything? Can we help you somehow?”
Eddie recoiled inside. This time he really didn’t know what to say, so he went with the basics, something he said all day.
“I’m fine,” came out weak and unconvincing. He really needed to get away, to get home.
Bobby nodded slowly, seemingly reading him like an open book.
“I know you don’t like to share your problems with everyone, you’re rather closed off sometimes.” Bobby allowed a contemplative smile. “You remind me of myself in more ways than one. Just remember that we’re family and that we’re here for you no matter what.”
“I know.”
Bobby nodded.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you on Thursday.”
-
Eddie threw his bag on the backseat, and closed the door, going for the driver’s seat door, quickly.
Not quick enough.
“Eddie?”
Eddie froze
“Hey, man,” Buck said, too carefully. “Can we talk?”
Eddie felt himself tensing, he could barely maintain eye contact.
Buck looked down.
“What’s going on?”
Eddie was gripping the door of his car with far more force than he intended.
“I know you’re avoiding me. I’m just so stupid. If I did something to upset you–”
“Buck, don’t.”
“It’s my fault, isn’t it?” He insisted.
“Buck, let it go. I’m tired, I want to go home, that’s all.”
“Man, c’mon.” Buck’s tone was wary as he took two more steps closer near Eddie. “I know I wasn’t there for you before, but now I am, I can help you if you need anything, I—“
“Buck, stop!” Eddie snapped unable to stop the developing heat inside of him. Every single word that came out of his mouth from that point on, was purely angry-coated. “I don’t want to deal with this, I don’t have the time and I don’t have the patience. Stop making this about you, it’s not.”
Buck was completely silent as he gulped. Eddie didn’t, couldn’t stay any longer.
He got inside of his car without further warnings and left.
-
A few more days went by in the weirdest, most anticlimactic way, and he was glad for finally having a day off. The feeling of helplessness was settling in, his mind kept punishing him, replaying everything he wanted to say, but didn’t, everything he should’ve say but didn’t, everything he said, but shouldn’t.
“Dad?” Christopher called, surrounded by coloring books, pens and crayons. “Ben said his mom is picking us up on the 3rd, right after school.”
The sleepover. Right.
Eddie frowned, entertained by how his son, a kid, was seemingly ditching him already.
“Oh, yeah?” He enquired, one eyebrow arched in poor attempt in seriousness. “You don’t want me to drive you anymore?”
“You can always help me pack.” He sounded so sly, that Eddie had to hold it together to keep his composure.
“Yeah, I would like that.” Eddie declared, outwitted and too proud, giving him a plate containing two PB&Js cut in half.
Believe it or not, Eddie PB&Js were nothing short of great.
“Dad, can we call Buck?”
Eddie stopped on his tracks.
“He’s, uh, working, buddy,” was the weakest excuse his brain managed on the spot. As far as he remembered, that was also Buck’s day off.
“Okay. Later then? I miss him.”
Eddie heaved a sigh, full of me too, me too.
“We’ll see, buddy.”
-
Eddie wasn’t anywhere near ready, but work is work, and he was professional enough do what he was good at – saving people.
After nearly two hours in on his shift and no sight of Buck, Eddie started wondering whether he got their schedules mixed and Buck had another day off squeezed between two of his 24-hour shifts.
Mitchell came to work instead, and joined them, replacing Buck right where he was supposed to be.
No one said a word about it.
-
Sanchez was there on the next shift, two days after, and still, no one talked about it, but something was wrong and Eddie knew.
-
That was it.
Eddie had something close to another sleepless night, and in the morning, as he showered and his surrounds started getting fogged up with steam, he decided, he knew he had to do something.
He was tired of being a coward. He’d never been a coward. He wasn’t a coward.
It wasn’t a ‘spur of the moment’ type of thing. It was more of a pacing around, not knowing what to do, feeling like shit type of thing.
In all absence of texts, calls, his voice, his presence, his friendship, his terrible, terrible jokes, the worst part was missing Buck so much, even if not even a week had passed since their last interaction.
Eddie would’ve known if something serious had happened with Buck, by now, he was sure of it. Maybe he should be the one to text, call, reach out to him. Somehow, it didn’t seem enough. The guilt was eating Eddie alive, and he needed to at least apologize for being the absolute worst friend and person altogether – he was always collected, never dealt well with impulsiveness, was never one to act without measuring the consequences of his acts.
Going completely against it, he put on a pair of pants, threw on a long-sleeved shirt, a pair of shoes and left.
The hardest thing was trying his hardest to maintain the speed limit at a minimum and respect every traffic light, while driving.
Once he arrived to his destination, he practically rushed to the unmistakable front door, knocking once, twice, thrice.
Nothing.
He knocked again.
Still nothing.
Eddie should’ve called, maybe Buck wasn’t home, maybe he was working, maybe–
Eddie’s hand was lifted mid-air as the door opened to reveal a disheveled looking Buck, puckered brows, hair a mess. Eddie’s hand remained lifted for what it seemed to be forever, the words he thought through vanished.
“Come in,” Buck offered, giving Eddie space in a manner that was way-too-formal for his liking.
Eddie made his way in, and for a second looked at him, like really, truly looked at him, overwhelmed with the nerves and the longing and the defenselessness of the moment.
Eddie broke the silence.
“Buck, I’m so sorry.” He tried, sincerely. “None of this is your fault.”
Buck crossed his arms in front of his chest, defensively. He didn’t say a word for moments, and when he did, his voice sounded smaller than Eddie expected.
“I just don’t get it.”
“I know you don’t, and it’s my fault.” Eddie said, bitterly, trying to swallow the guilt. “I didn’t mean to take it out on you and for that I really am sorry.”
Buck was quiet.
“OK.” he tightened his already crossed arms. “What’s going on? What's happening?”
Eddie was well-aware of the distance between them, how they were standing in uncomfortable body language and how Buck’s eyes, rightfully hurt and uncertain, finally met his.
“I’ve been avoiding you.”
Buck let out a humorless laugh.
“I’ve noticed it.”
Eddie moved closer to the man in front of him.
“It wasn’t on purpose.” He breathed exasperatedly. “I know I’m not making any sense right now.”
“No you’re not. I still don’t understand.”
“I guess there’s no easy way to put it,” he scratched the back of his neck. “I’m angry all the time these past few weeks and you know how I deal with anger.”
Buck’s face shifted into something else.
“I thought you just wanted some more privacy. I know I kept showing up unannounced when I shouldn’t have.”
What the fuck?
“Buck, no.” Eddie couldn’t believe his ears or the idiot in front of him. “I would never want you to stop showing up. Announced or not.” Eddie got closer to the other man. “Chris misses you. I–I miss you too, man. A lot.”
Eddie swallowed hard, wallowing on his inability to make himself clear amidst his word stumble. He’d been through so many intense, life-threatening, challenging moments and this seemed to be one of the most difficult things he had to do.
“I’m sorry for all of this.” he apologized again. “You know how I felt about Shannon, about my marriage. I loved her and I probably always will.” His eyes started to burn. “She gave me one of the most precious things I own, but then she was gone and I felt numb for the longest time.”
“Numb?”
“I wasn’t happy, not really.” Eddie declared with a sinking feeling, present and weighty. “I wasn’t sad either. I just couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to feel anything. I thought it was the best decision, that I would be a better father, a better person, if my feelings weren’t getting in the way, but I failed.” It was his turn to laugh humorlessly, before continuing. “All of a sudden, all I can do is feel, every single thing. And it’s you.”
“Me?”
“You.” Eddie repeated, affirming. “You’re smart in an intelligent sense, you read books, you research facts, you read the news, you know about things I don’t and you make the most boring subjects become the most interesting ones.” He blinked through the burning sensation in his eyes. There was more to be said. “You have no idea how much I trust you, how dependable you are, how seeing you with my kid is unreal, and how overwhelming it is, just how much you make me feel. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I’m falling for you. I’ve been falling for you for a while.”
Buck directed his gaze to Eddie’s own eyes, blue on brown, creating a dialogue of their own. Eddie was suddenly aware of how much closer as opposing to before, they were standing right now.
“I’ll understand if this is weird for you, but I can’t pretend anymore.”
The truth was out, and Eddie felt honest to god chillingly scared of fucking up.
Perhaps Eddie was terrible at reading people, the eyes were supposedly the most readable part of someone’s body, but Buck’s were written in foreign language for him right now, he was terrible at guessing.
Buck just kept looking at him, standing too close, tall and stroppy, with his now uncrossed arms, and Eddie was ready for him to react badly.
The reaction never came.
Eddie’s brain pretty much short-circuited the moment Buck decided to gaze at his lips, blue eyes lingering a bit longer, before looking up again. Eddie knew what a connection felt like. Such a strong pull couldn’t be a creation of wishful thinking – what pulled his breaks and held him stilled, was the fact that he wasn’t even certain if Buck was comfortable with him right now or not. It was becoming too hard to look at Buck from such a close distance.
Buck swallowed audibly, his eyes were as glassily shiny as Eddie’s.
“I don’t know what to say.”
Eddie sighed completely deflated and uncomfortable.
“I know this is a lot to take in. I’m sorry.” He backed away from the other man. “I think I should leave.”
Buck didn’t say anything, he simply stood there and Eddie understood it was his cue to leave, so he turned from him and went to the door.
“Eddie, wait!”
Eddie hesitated for a moment, but faced him, wanting, wishing, praying that his eyes weren’t so clearly teary as he felt like they were.
“What you just said. Do you mean it?”
Without a second thought. “Yes, I do.”
Buck nodded, his focus entirely on Eddie’s lips. “OK.”
One last look and Buck revved into action, almost knocking all of the wind from Eddie’s lungs in the process – Buck’s lips were on his, Buck’s tongue was on his, Buck’s warmth, Buck’s skin, Buck.
Eddie couldn’t lie and say that after coming to terms with the true nature of his feelings for Buck, he never imagined what it would be like to at least kiss him and now, despite being touch-starved for too long, and it playing a huge part on his actions, the real thing was incomparable to anything that ever crossed his mind. Buck kissed with driven purpose and his lips were soft, wet, warm and so fucking good, Eddie felt close to dumb for denying this to himself the way he did.
Eddie’s upper limbs and hands were lost in not knowing what to do, and knowing exactly what to do, going from Buck’s shoulder blades to Buck’s back, then the curls of his hair, soft to the touch, while Buck kept him in place, the fabric of his white long-sleeved shirt, clutched tight in Buck’s fingers.
Somehow, his back hit the hard and cold surface of a wall that wasn’t there before, but he didn’t care where he was, as long as Buck kept doing what he was doing with his tongue.
“Eddie,” Buck appealed, hoarse and breathless, close. “Tell me to stop and I will.”
Eddie licked his lips in the absence of Buck’s and eyed him all of the thoroughly – thanks to his handiwork, Buck’s hair was messier than before, his eyes heavy-lidded and his lips swollen, red and shiny.
There was no turning back now.
“Don’t stop,” he sounded equally throaty, too smitten for his own good.
Buck beamed glowingly, beautiful. “Good.”
-
Early Tuesday, work-day morning came fast enough.
He was in the locker-room, buttoning up his uniform, deep in thought.
Eddie practically ran up those stairs, walking backwards and holding onto Buck for dear life, cool-toned grey sheets and pillows, so many pillows, Buck on his back, spread out and breathless, bracing himself up on his elbows, with the laziest and prettiest toothy grin as gorgeous as he could be, as Eddie dove into him.
Eddie couldn’t help, but smile. He closed his locker and fixed his watch.
“Good morning!” Eddie exclaimed, felling well-rested and ready for whatever the day was about to throw his way.
Across from him, was the lucky duo responsible for cleaning duty this morning. Judging by their faces, Eddie wasn’t really sure they saw the giant, filthy with grime, truck parked in front of them.
“Eddie, come here.” Chim was excitedly waving his phone in front of Eddie’s face, Hen smiling contagiously in all of her cleaning glory, with gloves and cleaning cloth in hand.
Chim showed him images that he quickly recognized as being ultrasound pictures. Eddie was so caught up in his own problems that he forgot how very pregnant Maddie was, his friend Howard Han was about to become a dad.
“There’s more.” Chim took his phone back, just to hand it over to Eddie, an increasingly fast heartbeat playing through the phone speakers. A baby’s heartbeat, for sure.
Despite the cloudiness of some very bitter memories from his past resurfacing attached to joyful ones, Eddie recognized how proud and enthusiastic his friend was, how happy and emotional that moment was for him, and he had no doubt that Chim would be an incredible father.
“Man, this is great.” Eddie said, patting Chim on the back in tenderness.
“I’ll be right back.” Chim headed out towards Bobby’s office, holding his phone high, like it was some sort of holy object, Hen and Eddie laughing in unison.
When their laughter subsided, the atmosphere became quiet.
“Hen,” he started in a repentant tone.
Hen looked at him.
“I want to apologize. I know I’ve been kind of an idiot.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You can say that again.”
Eddie chuckled in spite of himself. “I guess I deserve that.”
Hen looked right past Eddie and his eyes followed hers, stopping on a very much tall, easily-recognizable figure, still dressed in his regular clothes.
“Good morning, guys.” Buck said in the most cheerful, smile-in-his-voice, kind of way, until he disappeared into the locker-room Eddie was at, just moments ago.
“What are you thinking about?”
Eddie’s mind was completely void of thought, void of worries, he was just basking in the moment, practically crushed by Buck’s weight on top of him. “Nothing in particular,” he answered honestly.
Buck looked up from Eddie’s chest, then planted a kiss on it, an apprehensive expression suddenly taking part on his face. “Do you—“
“I don’t regret it.” Eddie shifted, aiming for less disturbance as possible. “Buck, I don’t regret a single thing.” He paused, Buck’s attention and gaze directed to him. “This,” he pointed to them, “us, I don’t regret it.”
Buck didn’t miss a beat.
“Me neither.”
“You’re in a great mood today.” Hen observed with a known look, using the cotton microfiber cloth to gather more soap. It was supposed to keep the soap application consistent and reduce the amount of dirt the towel was picking up each time it rinsed. It was smart to buy yourself some time.
Eddie was indeed in a good mood and the possibility of not connecting the increasing of his humor to Buck was close to null.
Eddie nothing but confirmed. “I guess I am.”
Hen picked up the cloth once again. “That means what I think it means?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
-
Eddie definitely felt like planting himself face first onto the mattress of his bed. He was bone-tired, in need of a decent amount of hours of sleep.
He usually checked on his kid first, to see if he needed anything, maybe the covers were all the way down to his feet and Eddie would have to tuck him in once again.
Secondly, a shower was always welcomed along with some flossing and teeth brushing. Then he would shutter his windows, turn off the lights, fluff his pillows and finally, finally lay down, in absolute relaxation.
Or so he thought.
His phone buzzed, cutting through the rather peaceful silence abruptly.
Morning.
Eddie typed back, each corner of his lips involuntary curling up in acknowledgment.
It’s past ten.
His phone buzzed again.
Your point? I just woke up from a nap.
He was about to type again, when Buck sent another message.
I miss you.
They’ve seen each other mid-work, actually exchanged looks, shoulder bumped and small talked all the time, but had no time for actual intimacy, considering their schedules, Eddie’s always busier, hands-full, were clashing.
Another text.
You know it’s rude to leave someone on read.
Truthfully, there was no point in denying.
I miss you too.
Eddie was getting restless by the minute, unable to concentrate in anything else outside of his phone screen.
Buck replied.
Good night, Eddie.
Another buzz.
Sleep tight ♥
Eddie was a bit too late in realizing how widely he was smiling, tiredness settling on his bleary-eyes. He gazed at the heart for a while longer, trying to comprehend why his own heart was betraying him, unable to keep quiet despite his best efforts.
-
Satisfying stories should start with sudden confusion, time to figure it out, knowledge of what it is, resolution, and then happy ending.
Eddie would be glad to have it so easy, but it wasn’t the case.
Things, routines, were most definitely back to normal.
Every morning, whenever they could, they’ve maintained the habit, the tradition of going for a run – the only difference was how much more playful they were, and how they sneaked out like teenagers right in the middle of it, on more than one occasion, just to buy themselves more time together.
At work, they functioned like they always did – in synch, concentrated and professional. Their ability to communicate with their eyes stronger than ever before.
Around the team, their friends, Eddie made sure to act as natural as possible, they were still Eddie and Buck, Buck and Eddie, friends first – he just about failed the ‘act natural’ part every single time Buck laughed openly, head back, every single time browns and blues crossed vision-paths for longer than a few seconds, every time Buck told a lame, terrible joke and he couldn’t want him more.
The part he worried the most, the one involving Christopher was the easiest one – Buck and Christopher seemed to be enveloped in their own bubble whenever they were around each other. Buck loved his kid a whole lot and Eddie had no doubt Christopher loved Buck back, just as much.
All things considered, his life seemed to be all figured out and resolved, from an outsider perspective.
Inside, things were different.
Today, for instance, Eddie was really going through it, his unresolved and long forgotten wounds were dashing out to remind him that perhaps he ignored them for too long.
Focusing on the good parts of his life was helpful in a way. Eddie had many prized possessions, things he cherished and was proud of, but thinking back in time always hurts.
Letting bygones be bygones was a far-off concept for him.
His parents were a great example. Eddie had a hard time with them, butting heads and disagreeing left and right. He loved his parents nonetheless, and the last time he worried about their opinions on how he lived his life since he moved out from El Paso, had been ages ago. Right now, deep down, he worried about what they would think over the fact that he felt what he felt, romantically speaking, for a man.
Another bothersome fact was the duality of still feeling guilty for his past actions and slightly envious of how present Chim was being in Maddie’s pregnancy. It’s not like he wasn’t happy for the guy, it had nothing to do with him. Eddie feel like a selfish, terrible friend and Chim deserved better than him being bitter about himself and what he didn’t do in the past.
Also, yesterday, was the day to finally pack for Christopher’s sleepover on the 3rd, Eddie promised the kid to let his friend’s mother drive him, right after school. Being truthful to his core, he wrote to her in admittedly less details than he wanted, but all the same careful text, about what his son might need and what to do in case he needed anything.
Christopher was growing and everyday proving Eddie wrong in how much more he could do, and how smarter and more independent he was becoming. It was scary for Eddie to think that maybe his kid needed him a little less than he thought, a little less than he felt responsible for.
And then, Evan Buckley. They’d talked about everything and still they didn’t actually talk about everything, everything. What were they? Were they together as a couple? Would they remain together? Should he tell Christopher about them, how? The whole 118? Adriana, Sophia, his parents, abuela, even tia? What was the right approach? Did Buck actually wanted it? To tell? To keep it a secret?
Eddie knew what he felt for Buck even if he didn’t dare naming it. He wanted to say it out loud someday, whatever it was, Buck deserved to hear it, but what if it was too early to label anything? Maybe the passion they’ve been sharing was only this, passion, just two people deeply attracted to one another, sharing a connection because of their previous friendship.
-
Work was a resourceful way to put his brain on another track of thought. Their day at work begun with a call for a car crash, first thing in the morning, three people, a man in his late forties, a teenage girl, probably under fourteen to fifteen years old and a woman, possibly in her late thirties.
There were many plausible causes for car crashes in general, such as animal crossing, deadly curves, fog, snow, weather in general, driving under the influence of alcohol, drugs or any substance, unsafe lane changes, wrong-way driving, running red or stop lights, distracted driving.
As unfortunate as it was to admit, being a firefighter, made scenes like this seem ordinary. Eddie was more than used to car crashes, no stranger to people getting hurt, bruises, blood and broken bones.
In this case, at first, the victims were in no major danger of the type you see in movies. No cars were exploding and no cinematic special effects were in view.
The youngest, the girl, was trying to explain what she saw, in a confusing manner, all signs pointing to a mild concussion (grade 1). Concussions weren’t easy to differentiate sometimes, and shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Things took a turn, when Hen removed her gloves and searched her watch for the time, with a look Eddie recognized way too well – the man didn’t resist, even though he had no visible signs of being injured.
Yet again, despite being a firefighter for many years and witnessing everything, it was never easy to lose someone, so Eddie closed his eyes and breathed deeply, feeling a little less accomplished in his mission.
Eddie unconsciously looked for Buck and found him staring right back.
-
Eddie was tired, exhausted, fatigued, both physically and mentally.
He had a couple of texts from Ben’s mom, and even a picture, to assure him that everything was just fine. His kid was beaming so much he almost forgot the tiredness and the heaviness of his thoughts during the day.
When the traffic lights turned red, he was about to if-you-need-anything-let-me-know her, but held it back, the lights turned green and he decided it was best to stop pestering the mother of one of his son’s friends.
It was Saturday night, he had the entire Sunday off and he hoped to spend some quality time with Buck, alone. They barely had time to talk at work, and Eddie regretted not bringing it up before, not even when they parted ways and left and he thought it was too late to invite Buck over. A little less than a month trying the dating thing again and he was already failing.
The next traffic light quickly turned yellow-to-red, Eddie checked his phone again, shamelessly searching for Buck’s contact, maybe he’d texted. Eddie wanted him to have.
Buck was probably just busy, right? Was there a possibility of Buck having already grown tired of Eddie’s old, boring self?
Scratch that.
Green lights, Eddie proceeded.
-
Eddie got home and carefully put his bag and his keys where they belonged, taking off his shoes and stretching his limbs, yawning. He showered quickly and came back to the kitchen.
Eddie was trying to reduce his amount of beer consumption for the sake of his body that he’d worked hard for. Today, he craved for at least one beer, so why the hell not?
Opening the fridge and picking one up was the easiest thing to do; he sipped a considerable amount after taking the cap of the glass-bottle, his shoulders relaxing in the process.
What the hell? He was an adult, a grown man.
He picked up his phone and dialed for Buck’s number.
Eddie frowned mid-sip, placing the bottle on the countertop, once someone knocked on his door. For some reason he thought it was his neighbor delivering him his water bill that was ending on her mailbox instead of his, again.
His eyes landed on the person at the other side of the door.
“Hi.”
“Buck. Hi.” He mirrored, heart stupid, beating fast. Eddie was almost angry for his greatness in casualty. He looked past Eddie, inside of the house, and uttered. “Can come in?”
“Sure, yeah, yeah,” Eddie answered a bit agitated and only then he saw Buck was carrying a pack of beers and a pizza, each item placed on the countertop as well as Eddie’s already forgotten beer bottle.
Eddie closed the door and followed his steps, witnessing him removing his dark-brown jacket to reveal a very much complimenting, maroon, long-sleeved shirt, hugging his body in all the right places.
Eddie tried to hide the fact that his mouth became dry at the sight in front of him. He then said: “I was just about to call you.”
Eddie watched as Buck opened one of the beer bottles without a single care in the world.
“I wanted to see you, so I thought I could come.” he sipped, Adam’s apple moving along with him gulping the liquid. “I hope this is okay.”
“What?” Eddie picked his own beer. “Of course it is. I told you, you can come whenever you want.”
“This is a very dangerous statement.” This time he was the one leaning on the marble-like countertop. “I wanted to surprise you, it’s stupid, I know.” Buck shrugged. “So, surprise.”
Eddie licked his lips.
“I thought about asking you to spend the weekend with me the entire day, I…” He hesitated and the sentence died down. “It doesn’t matter what I thought, I’m just glad you’re here.”
“Me too.” Buck smiled and Eddie couldn’t possibly doubt anything just by looking at him.
The pull that conducted them to end up on each other’s personal spaces worked its way, leading them to a tight embrace, hugging close, close, closer.
“Be patient with me, please. I know I suck at this.” Eddie confessed apologetically, mouth moving close to the skin of Buck’s neck, his pulse rapid and vivid, his scent taking over Eddie’s nostrils.
“Only if you’re patient with me too.” Buck replied, running his hands all the way though Eddie’s back, pulling away just a bit, his face now near Eddie’s face, their lips mere inches apart.
“Deal.”
Buck finally kissed him, mouth open and welcoming, warm, his tongue caressing, his lips moving swiftly and then slow, exploring and then steady, thorough.
“Buck,” was all Eddie succeeded to let out, Buck’s hands quickly working his belt, undoing it with fast ability, teeth teasing the left side of his neck.
It was a real shame Buck’s shirt looked so amazing on him, though Eddie didn’t feel any guilt taking it off and discarding it somewhere, his own hands sliding from Buck’s shoulders to Buck’s arms, going to his waist, down to his belt to repeat what Buck did to his own.
Eddie was pretty sure he aimed for his bedroom. Somehow, he dragged Buck along with him until they ended on the nearest surface, his bed, half sitting, half laying, Buck on top of him in the most awkward position to ever exist.
Both of their pants were undone, making it all of the difficult for them to move properly as Buck moved his hips with purpose, causing friction, more contact. He kept doing it, they kept kissing, and clothes were too present, getting in the way. Eddie tried to free himself from his pants, pursuing tact, but his once efficient firefighter reflexes failed him miserably – Unsuccessfully, his pants were still on, and Buck was laughing in a high-pitched tone, the most ridiculous sound Eddie’s ever heard.
“Hey!” Eddie called out, fake-offended, feeling laughter reverberating through the other man’s body.
“Sorry,” Buck accomplished to say weakly, sporting his white, pretty teeth.
Eddie didn’t even bother pretending he was annoyed, or that his eerie mood during the entire day didn’t completely fade, changing into something else entirely different. Buck had rosy cheeks and watery eyes, his chest hard and his entire body warm.
-
Eddie tried to nurse the pointed pain spreading through his spine as best as he could.
Buck was by his side, in content silence. He turned his head to Eddie, staring in judgment.
“What’s the matter?”
“My back hurts.” Eddie declared without a second thought, deciding the middle section of his spine was hurting more than the rest of it.
Buck muttered under his breath. “Old man.”
“What did you say?” Eddie dared and Buck fixed him with the most innocent eyes.
“Nothing.” He grinned and Eddie rolled his eyes wholeheartedly.
-
“I was worried about you, you know?” Buck confessed. “You seemed, I don’t know, man, worried, I guess?”
“I’m fine,” came out without any reinforcement to pass as the truth.
“Are you really?” He inquired with those big blue eyes and Eddie sighed, unable to lie. Not to him.
“No.” He finally admitted. “I’m not.”
Buck turned his head back to its initial position. Eddie had a good look of his profile, his big eyelashes blinking slowly, his nose, lips, his hands laying on top of his stomach.
Eddie interposed on the silence that followed. “It’s not you.” He tried. “I guess my mind is all over the place, I’m not sure.”
Buck took some time before he spoke again. “Is there something I can do to make it better?”
Eddie couldn’t be sincerer if he tried. “You always make it better.”
-
Eddie felt vindicated when Buck tried to move and immediately touched the back of his neck, making a face.
“My neck is killing me.” He alleged scrunching up his nose.
-
Eddie chewed on a slice of cold pizza. “This is good.”
“Yeah,” Buck agreed, taking a big bite out of his slice.
-
“I was a little jealous, I admit it.”
Eddie rolled his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he absolutely loved hearing the admission out loud.
“Really?” There was so much irony packed in a single word. “I didn’t even notice.”
It was Buck’s time to roll his eyes.
“All right, Mr. Perfect.” Buck shot his hands up in fake-redemption. “I know I was an asshole to you, but you’ll have to admit you were flexing on us all the time. Silver star, top of your class graduate, model for the firefighter calendar? Ring any bells?”
“Mr. Perfect? This one’s new, I like it.” Buck’s face fell and Eddie just got smugger about it. It was like roles were reversed someway.
“Man, shut up.” Buck winced. “ I worked out twice as hard the first week you joined the 118.”
-
Sharing a pack of beers plus the beers stacked on the fridge brought the absolute worst in Eddie. It was appallingly hard to maintain some sort of composure. Eddie was feeling buzzed, sleepy, and overpoweringly in love.
He kissed the other man thoroughly as they finally landed on his bed again, and it occurred him that nothing ever felt righter than the scenery of his bedroom containing Buck in it.
-
The supposed morning bliss started oppositely unspectacular, understated, with a pounding head and an insistent thump, thump, thump, making it hard for Eddie to open his eyes. It was also hard to move, Buck’s limbs were everywhere around him, his knee pressed against Eddie’s bladder, one of Eddie’s own legs starting to cramp from being trapped, an armpit close to his face, and Eddie really needed to pee.
He stayed still for a while longer anyway.
-
Eddie might’ve gone a little overboard with breakfast this morning; two espressos, his sugarless, Buck’s shamefully sweetened, just the way he liked. A good set of pancakes with bacon, two croissants and two blueberry muffins. Not the wisest choice for his body, considering the amounts of beer he consumed just the day before, but all in all, he was craving a somewhat greasy breakfast. Furthermore, the idea of surprising Buck with Fruity Loops and Captain Crunch, or his often-failed recipe of protein eggs, didn’t seem appealing.
-
One hour, two hours, three hours, more hours, record time of being mostly in bed.
Right now, Buck tasted of minty toothpaste and mouthwash, he was freshly showered and he smelled like Eddie’s soap.
-
“Hey, Chris!” Eddie answered his phone cheerfully, all of his happiness translated in his tone.
“Hi, dad!”
“How are you? Are you having a good time?” Eddie’s question seemed redundant at this point, he knew.
“I am. Ben has a dog.” Christopher stated like it explained everything, and Eddie laughed.
-
“You were a great dancer? I’m sorry, man, but I highly doubt it.”
Buck smiled playfully and Eddie just glared.
“I’m serious, Buck.”
“Shit, here we go. Again with that look on you face.”
Eddie frowned. “What look?”
“Like…” Buck squeezed his eyes, looking into the distance, in an over-exaggerated angry countenance.
Eddie honest to god laughed, warm inside, Buck’s face returning to its normal expression, combined now with a grin.
Eddie tried defending himself. “I never made this face in my entire life. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“You sure did.”
“Man, you’re such an asshole,” Eddie wined, using one of the pillows to hit a laughing Buck, who now moved to the other side of the bed, still near so their shoulders touched, their legs weirdly tangled. Eddie crawled his way on top of him. “I hate you.”
Buck’s laughter was dying down. “No, you don’t.”
Eddie sure hated the truth in the statement, hated the way-too-confident smile and look on Buck’s face, hated how much prettier he looked from such a close-up.
Three words. Eight letters.
“No, I don’t.”
-
Buck opened and closed his mouth, no sound coming out of it.
“Eddie, can we talk about something?” he questioned, biting his bottom lip in an almost blink-and-you-miss-it moment, posteriorly. “I don’t mean to sound desperate or make it all about me.” He paused. “Forget about it, I’m sorry.”
Eddie turned to face him, puzzled.
“Buck, I told you I’m sorry for what I said regarding you making things about you, it’s unfair and I was completely out of line. Tell me, please.” Eddie said and it was more indulgent and soft than he anticipated, encouraging enough for Buck to clear his throat lightly and speak.
“You and me, are we together, together? I don’t want to rush you, or push you. Please, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that. I’m rambling, I know.”
Eddie had to stop and process facts to realize Buck’s words were not one of his own thoughts that unexpectedly came to life – apparently the pause was too long, judging by the way Buck’s expression became equally confused.
Whenever Eddie was alone in his head, it was clouds and thunderstorms, this time or whenever Buck was around, the usual storm was a lot milder, ceasing in its lightning. Every single one of his pillows smelled like Buck and his bed was a lot warmer and more comforting now that Buck had slept in it. Eddie couldn’t help but think of what he (again) didn’t say, because he couldn’t find the right words. He was really, really trying, but a part of him too was trying its hardest to shield him from the disillusionment he experienced before, and it scarred him deeply.
It was simple, very few choice-words.
“You have no idea how much I want you.” Eddie mended, hoping it was not too late, hoping it was clear enough. “How much I want this.”
It wasn’t quite the conversation they should undoubtedly have, but Buck grinned and his eyes lit up so much, Eddie wanted nothing more than to kiss him.
“I want you too, for as long as I can have you.”
Eddie kissed him.
-
Laughter filled the room.
“What?”
“We suck at this.”
Eddie understood the statement on a personal level.
“We do.”
-
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay? Chris would be happy to see you.”
Buck shook his head no and approached the other man, personal space be damned.
“I’m always happy to see him too, but I need to go.” Eddie nodded despite the utter disappointment he felt towards time ‘tick-tocking’ its hours so quickly.
“You’ll have dinner with us on Monday.” Eddie offered, shrugging. “It’s settled.”
“All right.”
-
No one could blame Eddie for having burgers for dinner, not even the ‘Hot Firefighter Calendar’ Buck brought up hours ago – his kid was on a very durable sugar-high since he picked him up and they went out for ice cream, plus there was nothing else cooked in the house. He wanted basics, easy.
Christopher seemed like a totally different kind of kid than the one he left at school on Friday. Eddie never seen his son talking so excitedly and he was right about one of his predictions; the kid most definitely had a lot of different stories to tell, especially involving a certain dog.
Eddie was trying to put him to bed, but there was only one topic he wanted to talk about.
Eddie crossed his arms. “Who will take care of the puppy?”
“I will.” Christopher said, outwardly pointing what was obvious to him.
Eddie was aware that the discussion was bound to take them nowhere.
“I’ll think about it.”
Christopher didn’t seem convinced.
“You promise?”
The man sighed deeply.
He was absolutely screwed, but couldn’t deny it to his child. “I promise, mijo. I promise.”
Eddie got up from Christopher’s bed, and turned the starry-patterned lampshade on, planting a kiss on top of the kid’s head.
-
“Hey, Eddie!” Chim greeted him as he was finishing the last session of his exercises.
“Hey, Chim”, he greeted back, voice slightly muffled by him chugging water from his water-bottle.
Only now, Eddie noticed Chim was uniformed from head to toe instead of wearing gym’s appropriated clothes.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” He sounded serious, Eddie had no idea what he wanted to talk about.
“Sure.” He replied and Chim pointed his head to the right, silently guiding them to a less crowded area, where they could sit down and have a conversation.
Eddie picked up his towel and his water-bottle as well as his phone and put them on one of the chairs, Chim in front of him resting his hands on his lap, oddly tense.
“Thank you for taking the time,” he said gesturing to the gym, and then intertwined his fingers. “You know Maddie is seven months pregnant, right?”
Eddie nodded interested, confirming.
“I was cool about the whole thing, very excited.” He allowed himself to smile. “Now, we’re getting closer and closer to meet her and I’m actually terrified.” Chim was rubbing his two thumbs together nervously. He continued. “Hen really is my best friend, and incredible mother, and she helps me a lot, even when I don’t deserve it.”
“She’s a natural.” Eddie observed, frankly.
“She is.” Chimney wholeheartedly agreed, proceeding. “Seeing her with Denny and Nia… It’s like she was born ready.”
“Yeah.”
“Sometimes I think I’ll never be that good.” He looked down at his fingers. “Not like her and not like you.” Chim faced Eddie. “Seeing you with Christopher is the most inspiring thing, the way you act when he’s around, the way you care for him. I think you’re a phenomenal father. I just don’t know how to be on your or Hen’s level.”
Eddie didn’t expect Chimney’s words, and they hit him profoundly. His friend was looking for advice, his advice on a touchy subject, something he was still reconciling with.
“Back when you were at the hospital,” Eddie started. “We were all in the waiting room and Hen told us about the time you went online in one of those forums for new mothers.”
“No!” he essentially face-palmed and Eddie snorted.
“Yes!” Eddie teased amusedly. “She told us about the skin to skin contact, the soothing breeze, vacuum cleaner…?”
“I just wanted to help her with Denny.”
“You sure went all out while trying.” Eddie was still chuckling. “That’s what I said to her. And then she told me something that stuck with me.”
Chim watched him expectantly. “What is it?”
“’He always puts his heart into everything’”, Eddie quoted her words. “And she’s right, you always do.”
“Wow,” Chim relaxed against his sit, letting his arms fall on each side of his body.
“I know you love your little girl, and I know you’ll do everything to keep her safe, to keep her happy, so you shouldn’t worry too much. You’re going to be a great dad.”
“This is huge, coming from you. Thank you.” Chimney let out a big exhale. “I’m a little emotional over here, but I swear it’s the pregnancy hormones rubbing off on me.” Eddie genuinely hearty-laughed, and for some reason he was similarly emotional.
“Sure.”
“I would hug you,” Chim supposed and then made a face, “if you weren’t all sweaty and gross.”
“Oh, yeah?” Eddie got up from his sit with his arms wide-open. “Come here, man.”
They hugged and patted themselves on the back, typically.
Chim cleared his throat. “Eddie one last thing.”
“Shoot.”
“How are you and Buck? First, you started acting strange, and then he started acting strange. Before we knew, you weren’t talking like you always did.” He considered. “I love the guy, but unfortunately for my privacy, he’s my brother-in-law, which means he spends too much of his time at our place, having some kind of secretive sibling conversations with my girl.”
Eddie could only imagine. “I can picture that.”
“He kept continuously sleeping in our living room instead of his perfectly suitable apartment.”
“Something did happen between us, and it was mostly my fault, but we’re past that now.”
“I figured.” He tilted his head to the side. “I know this is between you and him, and I can only offer my friend services if you ever need anything.”
Eddie couldn’t be more thankful for his acquired family, Chimney included.
“Thank you, Chim.”
Before they parted ways, Chim advised.
“Our living room is off the table, though."
-
Eddie knocked at Captain Nash’s office door, holding the strap of his vertical bag, before gently making his way inside. He recognized the office, tidy and organized, sober and terrifying for some.
“Hey, Eddie.” Bobby pointed to the leather chair. “Have a sit, please.”
He placed some prearranged papers on the table as Eddie sat, accommodating his belongings onto his lap.
Cap’s deep voice cut through the silence.
“How can I help you, Eddie?”
Here’s the thing, Robert Wade Nash could appear intimidating with the least of his efforts, his voice, his entire demeanor, how self-possessed he was. Eddie wasn’t feeling intimidated per say, just tense. Bobby always treated him with nothing but respect, and he trusted the man.
“Remember the day you got that call from Captain Cooper, about a potential problem in your house?” It wasn't one of Eddie’s favorite topics to talk about, but he needed to get his point across.
Bobby clenched his jaw. “Yes, I remember.”
“You told me I didn’t need to lose everything, before I allowed myself to feel something, and with all due respect, all I could think when you said that was ‘bullshit, he has no idea what he’s talking about’.” Eddie closed his eyes, arching his eyebrows and opened them again. “You were right the whole time.”
Bobby was very attentive to his words, he waited for Eddie to continue.
“I was blinded by guilt and resentment, and I closed myself off completely, I couldn’t feel anything.” He hesitated, having the hardest time with his words.
“Sometimes we do things we don’t quite comprehend.”
Eddie laughed a little at that. “Yeah, you’re right, we do. And I did.”
“Okay.”
Eddie blinked his emotions away. “I know I’ve been acting weird lately and I’ve had my reasons.” Bobby eyed him worryingly. “No, I haven’t been fighting, not anymore.”
“Right.” Bobby let out a relieved breath. “What happened, then?”
“I felt something good really strongly, and I didn’t understand how the wall I’ve built around myself was so easily destroyed, so I tried my best to stop it, but guess what?”
“You couldn’t.”
“I couldn’t.” He mirrored. “And it only made things worse, because I started getting overwhelmed.”
“Hey,” Bobby stretched an arm, and touched Eddie’s hands that were resting on the desk, firmly. “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes.”
Eddie blinked a few more times. “I know.” He then sniffed. “I know, it’s just–“
“It hurts.” Bobby tried and Eddie confirmed.
“Yes.”
Cap straightened himself on his seat.
“Eddie I know I don’t talk enough about my past, my wife Marcy, my kids.” He contemplated. “What I’ve lost, what I’ve done, how angry I was at myself, how guilty I felt.”
Eddie shook his head. “Cap, you don’t have to.”
“I won’t.” He said, final. “When I met Athena I never thought I would marry again, have a family again, I didn’t think I deserved it.” Bobby took a breather. “Now she’s my wife, I have Harry and May. I have this job, I have all of you, and I couldn’t be more grateful.”
Eddie swallowed heavily. “How did you do it?”
“I chose.” Bobby replied. “I could be sulking until the end of time, and don’t get me wrong, at some point I thought I would, but I had to choose and then I chose."
“Chose what?”
“Myself.” His lips curled up in a bittersweet-kind-of-smile. “It was tough to believe I would succeed and sometimes I too feel overwhelmed, selfish even, but these days I prefer to count my blessings.” Bobby touched Eddie’s hands yet again, firmer and reassuring. “Eddie, you deserve to be happy.”
Eddie barely realized how wet his eyes were, apparently a common occurrence lately, and for the first time in a long, long time, he believed those words.
-
Bright colors and fantasy beings with their squeaky, characteristic voices and Eddie couldn’t be less entertained by cartoons – Buck and Christopher were mostly huddled together on the floor watching the same cartoons for hours now.
Eddie consulted his watch for the time.
“Chris, it’s time for bed!” He exclaimed, winning two pairs of glaring eyes in return.
Well, at least now he had some attention to work with.
“Dad, can we watch one more episode?” Christopher appealed, in the cutest most indulging voice he could. “Please?”
Eddie punctually denied. “It’s late, and you have school tomorrow.”
“Please, dad.” The kid insisted. “Buck wants to watch one more episode with me.”
It was time for Eddie to squeeze his eyes and glare at Buck, silently telling him to deny it.
Buck cleared his throat apologetically.
“We could watch a shorter episode.”
Traitor.
Eddie rolled his eyes, aware that he’d lost. He was completely powerless when it came to them.
“Ok, one more.” Eddie agreed against his will, and Christopher and Buck high-fived, cheering shamelessly loud and pulling at the strings of Eddie’s heart.
-
Christopher was easing himself up with Buck’s help, crutches close-by, final credits appearing on the TV screen.
Eddie turned it off. “Okay, buddy, let’s go,” he told him. “Say ‘bye’ to your Buck.”
The kid happily complied, hugging the man in question. “Bye, Buck.”
Buck smiled hugely and caressed Christopher’s hair, almost folding himself in two, to reach that hug. “Goodnight, Chris!”
“Goodnight!” Christopher started crutching his way out of the living-room. “Love you.” He said simple and easy, and Eddie immediately froze, right behind him. Buck looked as taken aback as he was – Christopher was a very much affectionate kid, he didn’t shy away from saying things like this, and although Eddie knew just how much he loved Buck, he never really said it out loud before.
His stomach dropped and something changed in the atmosphere for him.
“Love you too, buddy.” Buck responded in the warmest way possible and Christopher just smiled one of those big, bright, beautiful smiles of his, Eddie guiding him towards the bathroom, and then his bedroom.
-
His kid was out like a light, the weight of today’s activities, clear in the way tiredness settled in his eyes as soon as his head touched the pillows, and when Eddie resurfaced to the living room, Buck seemed oddly agitated, pacing around in the room until he saw the latter.
“Is he asleep?” He inquired in a lower tone of voice and Eddie confirmed. “Great, that’s great.”
“He didn’t stop for a minute today.” Eddie considered. “I’m surprised it took so long.”
Buck snorted funnily. “Yeah, little man has a lot of energy. I’m beat.”
That’s how most of their days-off went before, but nowadays those same days felt undeniably different. Eddie and Buck’s togetherness could be blamed as a defining factor, of course, even when their dynamic felt the same, but it was not quite it.
“I should be going.” Buck said after Eddie didn’t mention anything else. “Can you open the door for me?”
“Sure.”
Left leg, right leg, walk, walk – Eddie’s blood was rushing and his heart was beating faster, something clicking inside of him, though he’d been coming to terms with it, slowly but surely.
Buck was at the door when he asked: “See you at work?”
Eddie came closer to him, careful and collected considering a kid was sleeping a few meters away.
“Definitely.”
Buck licked his lips, beginning the eyes-to-mouth, mouth-to-eyes game Eddie always wanted to be a part off whenever Buck was involved, Eddie’s brown eyes observing every single millimeter of the other man’s face from and up-close-and-personal distance.
Buck pressed their lips together in a chaste kiss.
“Night’, Eddie.”
“You can have my back any day,”
“Yeah. Or, you know, you could have mine.”
[…]
“He's crazy about your kid and if I'm being honest he's crazy about you too.”
[…]
“Hey, look at me,” he smirked, lighting up the mood. “If you don’t leave right now, I’m going to kick your ass.”
Eddie quirked up an eyebrow.
“You were trying to lure me back to bed, just moments ago, and now you’re kicking me out?”
“What can I say? If Superman needs you, then I can wait.” Buck had his arms around Eddie’s neck, Eddie holding him by the waist. “Besides, this is the longest goodbye ever.”
[…]
“Aren’t you going to get dressed?”
“Nah, I don’t see why I should.”
Eddie fixed him judgingly. “You’re just going to be naked?”
“I guess,” he shrugged, then proceeded to stretch out his long limbs.
Eddie knelled the bed for some leverage, kissing Buck on the lips.
[…]
“I really like your face.” Buck acknowledged lazily, with his eyes closed.
Eddie wasn’t sure if he answered before drifting off.
[…]
“How did you do it?”
“I chose.”
“Chose what?”
“Myself.”
Eddie breathed out.
“I love you.”
Buck’s mouth was agape, eyes blinking fast, like he couldn’t find the words nor believe what he just heard – he was the singlehandedly prettiest thing Eddie’s ever seen.
“What?” Buck stepped closer.
Eddie shrugged falsely-unaffected. “You heard me.”
“I did.” Buck put his hands in his pockets. “And I love you too.”
Eddie didn’t even care if his face was almost hurting from how much he stretched his lips to smile. He finally chose, and it was like some of the remaining weight was lift off of his shoulders – things didn’t magically vanish from his mind, but right now, all that mattered, all he felt was nothing but happiness, love and very aggressive butterflies hammering inside. Regardless of the blockages and the boundaries Eddie came up with before, loving Buck was the easiest thing to do and it felt good. It felt right.
He planned to choose this over anything else, as much as he could.
Eddie pointed his head towards Buck’s car. “Now, go.”
Buck’s smile was matching his, and it didn’t falter. “See you tomorrow.” He walked backwards as he waved.
“See you.”