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Chapter Text

Grade 5

April really likes school. She’s smart and eager to learn. She gets perfect scores on all her spelling tests. Her reading level is way ahead of her peers, well most of them. There’s one classmate who can almost keep up, but April knows her well and she knows the girl would rather play with her sister than actually try to catch her.

Sterling and Blair Wesley are inseparable most of the time. The two of them come as a packaged deal whether you like it or not and April has learned to like it over the years. So when Mrs. Willis sits the two of them at April’s table on the first day, along with Hannah B, she's ecstatic. After sitting next to Franklin for most of fourth grade, April is glad to be at a table of friends this year.

She likes Sterling the most obviously. She’s smarter than the other two and actually helps April if they work on projects as a group. When Blair teased her for bringing her own handheld pencil sharpener to school, Sterling said she thought it was cool and for that April lets her use it whenever she needs. But even Sterling has a sillier side that April also enjoys. And because of that she’s learned to tolerate the nonsense of the other two, especially when it makes her best friend laugh. April guesses it’s good to have balance and Sterling Wesley certainly is the bridge between their two sides.

But that all comes to an end halfway through the year when Mrs. Willis decides to change things up a bit. She even went as far as to separate the twins, which made Blair throw such a tantrum that she had a timeout during recess. April’s little pod of comforting friends are now scattered around the classroom. Hannah B is with Brenda and Chase Colton. Blair is with Franklin and Hannah G. And Sterling is on the opposite side of the room now sitting next to Luke Creswell instead of April.

It’s a lonely feeling to watch them all adjust so quickly to their new tablemates, even Blair. For April it takes a few days of quietly observing to get accustomed to her new seating arrangement. She supposes they’re not too bad, especially Jessica who seems to be just a few paces off of April.

She only uses number 2 pencils, never the silly colored mechanical ones most of the other girls have, and they’re always perfectly pointy thanks to her own handheld sharpener. At recess she sits under the big tree with her circle of friends either talking or reading independently. She has a sixty-four pack of crayons instead of the usual eight and she’s offered multiple times to share them with the table. All in all, April has warmed up to the idea of Jessica being a new friend.

The creaking of the swing set becomes nothing but background noise as April sways back and forth in the breeze, weighing out her options. A playdate seems like too big of a commitment. April’s idea of fun doesn’t always match up with her peers, so she would need something more casual to test the theory. Maybe she could ask her new tablemate to sit with her at lunch tomorrow.

“Hi.”

Her thoughts are interrupted by a pouting Sterling taking the swing next to her.

“I thought you were playing soccer.”

“I wasn’t really in the mood,” she shrugs. “Then Blair yelled at me for sitting in the goal.”

Sterling doesn’t make any effort to get off the ground, simply twisting back and forth as the tips of her shoes wedge into the dirt. “I know you and Jessica have more in common,” she starts, keeping her eyes on the ground. “She doesn’t skin her knees at recess and rip her dress over a stupid ball. She reads a lot and talks about smart people things. She always brings fruit as a snack, never oreos.”

“What are you saying?”

“I would understand if you wanted to be her friend instead.”

“Instead of what?”

“Mine.”

Sterling looks up shyly, her eyes big like a puppy and April gets an idea, remembering a game that she heard the twins play a few times before. “Top five people at this school?”

“Blair, you, Hannah B, Hannah G, and,” her voice trails off for a moment while she thinks carefully about her last slot, “Luke.” There’s a pit in her stomach at the sound of the boy's name, causing April discomfort for some reason. She brushes it off. “Why?”

“Because you’re my number one and Jessica doesn’t even crack the top three.”

Sterling’s eyes light up. “Really?” April nods and reaches out a hand. Her friend takes it as always and their arms sway between the swings. “You would totally be my number one if it weren’t for Blair.”

“Yeah,” she smiles, “the twin thing kinda has me beat.”

Sterling giggles from her side of the swing set and that pit in April’s stomach vanishes into something tingly. “So we’re still best friends?”

“Always.”

Grade 6

Having a boyfriend didn’t change Sterling, it just made her a little less available. Her Friday nights were no longer reserved for sleepovers or movie marathons, and the seat next to her at the lunch table was no longer saved for April. Of course Blair had to sit on one side of her sister and Luke would always be on the other, leaving her across from them with a front row seat to the boy still chewing his mouth open at age eleven.

So when Sterling asks April to hang out while Blair is at lacrosse camp on Saturday, she jumps at the chance for alone time with her friend.

April practically rushes her mom out the door and into the car, buzzing with excitement for the afternoon ahead. She doesn’t want to be late partially because she’s never late, but also because she doesn’t want to lose out on time with Sterling. She missed her best friend and she doesn’t understand why her mother thinks it’s strange.

“If the Wesley’s ever move we’re gonna end up with another Adele situation, aren’t we?”

“Just drive please,” she begs as her heart thumps nervously in her chest.

It’s been almost a year since Sterling and Luke got together after winning some silly superlative that April was also up for. Their days of hanging out one on one quickly vanished as Sterling’s alone time was left open just for him. April now only got to see her on days that all the girls would get together, where Sterling's attention would be a little more scattered.

“What do you want to do now?”

They’ve been lying in the grass for probably half an hour after April had attempted to teach her to cartwheel. “Whatever you want.”

Sterling sits up quickly, blocking the sun as she leans over her. “We could ride our bikes into town and get pizza.”

“I didn’t bring my bike.”

“Blair isn’t here. Just use that,” she suggests, but April crinkles her nose. The other twin is pretty particular about her stuff. Sharing was never her strong suit. Sterling picks up on it, tilting her head as a new idea comes to mind. “Or I can use Blair’s and you can use mine.”

They pedal quickly down the road, racing on side streets and skidding through lawn sprinklers without a care in the world of getting wet on a particularly hot Spring day.

By the time they get to the pizza shop April is starving and everything looks good. She’s eyeing a few different slices and a mouthwatering collection of pinwheels unable to make up her mind, while Sterling types swiftly on her phone.

“What are you getting?”

“I don’t know yet,” she mutters, eyes still glued to the screen. “I’ll probably split something with Luke.”

April notices that pit again, which has been a more common occurrence recently, though she doesn’t know why. Maybe she just doesn’t like Luke. He’s not smart or sanitary and he thinks vegetables taste like dirt.

“I thought he was golfing.”

“Turns out it was just mini golf,” she shrugs, giggling at the mistake. “He tried to swing by the house to surprise me but my mom told him we came here.” A deep blush spreads across Sterling’s cheeks as she twirls a strand of hair around her finger. “Isn’t that sweet?”

April hesitates for a moment, still processing the question. Her mind was just starting to catch up to Luke’s sudden impending arrival when she ended up staring at the girl’s smile for who knows how long. “Very sweet,” she nods, knowing her stamp of approval would only make that happiness grow.

Just like lunch in the cafeteria, April sits across from the happy couple and watches the boy chew with his mouth open, wondering how Sterling is so smitten about it.

Grade 7

April has recently started keeping a journal ever since she broke down while reviewing for her test in bible study. It luckily was in the privacy of her own room, freeing her of any possible embarrassment, but she knew something had to be done.

While in CVS one afternoon, buying snacks to sneak into the movie theatre, April saw the little butterfly notebook up by the register. It was small enough to fit in her purse and none of her friends were close enough to see her hand it to the cashier. She simply tucked it away for the rest of the night, penning her first entry when she got home.

Her spurts of messy ranting and writing have taken quite a big weight off her shoulders at a time where that pit in her belly had turned into more of a constant ache. The feeling was reminiscent of the one she got when her friend had moved away in second grade, leading April to title her first entry “Adele.” She later titled one "Intense Friendships?” and more recently “Sterling.”

Normally April would dive onto the internet and research whatever this feeling could be for hours until she found her answer, but for some reason she just brushed this off in writing.

Adele moved far away. I was allowed to be upset about it.

Sterling is my closest friend. Why wouldn’t I think about her all the time?

I watch Girl Meets World because I’m just a really big fan of Sabrina Carpenter. There’s nothing wrong with that!

While Hannah B, Blair, and Luke fight over what movie to watch, April and Sterling are in the kitchen getting the snacks situated. It comes as no surprise to her that they are the ones doing the work as the other two girls scream in the background about Luke suggesting every single Fast and Furious movie.

“Can I tell you something?” Sterling says softly, taking a step in closer to April. Their elbows brush, sending a tingle down her arm and into her stomach. Usually she would step away but she’s cornered between her friend and the countertops. “He told me today that he loves me.”

Sterling chews nervously on her bottom lip and April quickly breaks her gaze away. “He probably doesn’t even know the meaning of the word,” she scoffs.

As the other girl takes a step back, April doesn’t even need to look up to know she said the wrong thing. “You don’t think he could love me?”

She sighs, apologetically reaching for Sterling’s hand. “He’d be stupid not to,” she says, giving it a reassuring squeeze. The gesture makes her smile.

“You already think he’s stupid.”

“God will not love you any less if you happen to be born with a second rate brain.”

April hardly finishes the quote when Sterling is pushing her into the counter with a laugh that sounds like music to her ears. “Be nice!” Her attempt to chastise totally misses as she just ends up grinning back at her friend.

“Not really my thing.”

“You’re nice to me,” Sterling shrugs. “Mostly.”

The teasing addition keeps the mood light but for once April doesn’t have a playful quip ready at her disposal. Instead curiosity takes over in its place. “Did you say it back?”

“Yeah,” she nods, breaking their eye contact as a pinkish hue washes over her cheeks. “To be honest I’m not sure how well I even know the meaning of the word.”

“Then why did you say it?”

“He makes me really happy and I get so excited when I see him. I had this tingly feeling when he said it to me that just felt so right,” she describes and April’s heart practically stops. “If I had to imagine love, it would feel like that.”

“Tingly? Like in your stomach?”

Sterling raises an eyebrow as a smirk tugs at her lips. “How did you know that?” she questions, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“Just a guess,” April shrugs, forcing a cocky smile to hopefully cover how her voice cracked.

“Always so smart.”

Grabbing a few snack bowls from the counter, Sterling heads into the living room, leaving April with the color drained from her face, feeling like she might just pass out from this potential new discovery.

Sterling has also experienced butterflies and pure happiness with a person, and while April has been searching for a meaning to the feeling, Sterling proudly revealed that she equates it to love.

After a few deep breaths she joins her friends in the living room, surprised to see that Sterling had saved her a spot on the couch, kicking Blair to the loveseat with Hannah B. The two girls share a blanket, leaving Luke with his own after Mrs. Wesley had previously warned the couple to “leave room for Jesus.”

April can hardly focus on the movie while Luke stretches obnoxiously as if he isn’t purposely putting his arm on the back of the couch in an attempt to cuddle his girlfriend. To her surprise there is no shift from the girl beside her. Sterling doesn’t lean into it at all. For someone newly in love, April finds it weird and waits for an explosion on screen to discreetly check it out.

A quick glance to her friend reveals that Sterling is asleep and completely unaware of Luke’s innocent advances. Trying to hide the smile that’s spreading, April faces forward again as another uproar of action blares from the TV.

She allows herself to be semi-entertained by Luke’s movie choice, although she never in a million years would pick it herself, and apparently his girlfriend felt the same way.

However, her focus shifts when a sudden weight presses up against her body, causing April to inhale sharply, luckily during an intense scene. As her heart beats faster, she shifts her eyes hesitantly over to see Sterling fast asleep with her head on her shoulder.

Warmth spreads deeply down to her bones, feeling the girl’s exhale graze her skin, lips closer to her than ever before. April hesitantly returns her gaze to the TV, knowing she can't stare all night. But the explosions on screen are nothing like the fireworks she feels going off in her stomach. And each quiet snore buzzing in her ear makes for a much better soundtrack than whatever score the movie used.

Late into the night, April is wide awake detailing the events into her journal. Sterling’s familiar depiction of love, Sterling’s head on her shoulder, the pride she felt in being chosen over Luke in that moment, how she hated when Blair turned the lights on and woke her sister at the end.

Her heart races faster and faster as each recount leads her to one conclusion.

I don’t think I want to be just friends with Sterling.

Grade 8

“God is not going to smite you if you like girls. He made you. Just like he made narwhals and those tiny blue poison frogs. You are part of his master plan.”

April opens her eyes, staring into her mirror. She steps away from her reflection a bit awkwardly, still getting used to the taste of those words in her mouth. For a year now she didn’t dare say them out loud. Those feelings were tucked away safely into her journal, but lately it wasn’t enough to alleviate all that was on her mind.

So this is a new thing she’s trying and though it seems like a very small and kind of weird step, it has been working already. The first day that she came home from school to an empty house ready to recite the speech she wrote, April cried for an hour in a confusing mix of relief and fear. Now just two weeks into it her eyes aren’t even wet and her voice no longer shakes, well today it did but that was for an entirely different reason.

This is the second time today that she has stood in front of her mirror and said those words, gearing up for her sleepover at the Wesley’s tonight. For years the event has played out exactly the same. The four girls would hang out all together but once bedtime came Hannah B was off to Blair’s room and April was left alone with Sterling, which has only gotten more complicated with her recent realization.

And it’s not like she can suddenly change things and sleep in with Blair or down on the couch because that would be suspicious. Sterling would have questions that April couldn’t answer honestly. She can’t just look her best friend in the eye and say “you cuddle in your sleep and it drives me nuts.” That would be mortifying.

On top of that the girl is trying out this new thing where she calls her friends different pet names, something about being a teenager now and wanting to shake things up. Blair teases her relentlessly for it, while Hannah B has actually joined in, but April hopes that it’s all just a quick phase because although she knows it doesn’t carry any weight, she blushes every time.

So when the lights go out April lays as still as possible, staring up at the ceiling. Soft snores come from the girl beside her and April doesn’t even have to turn to know that Sterling is facing her direction. For some reason she’s always been a left side sleeper.

Carefully scooting over to the edge of the bed, April thinks she left enough space between them so that there won’t be another incident. She turns her back to Sterling and slowly lets herself drift off to sleep.

According to the clock on the nightstand only two hours have gone by when April wakes up to a tickle on the back of her neck and a warm weight pressed right up against her. With no room to wiggle away, she lies awake internally running a loop of narwhals and poison frogs, narwhals and poison frogs, narwhals and poison frogs…

Grade 9

“If I get stuck with Franklin, I’m gonna be so pissed.”

“Blair, this was literally your idea.”

“Only because I want to get Darren Boggs,” she explains with a shrug. “Anybody else is just collateral damage.”

“Then maybe spin the bottle isn’t the best way to go about it,” April says for what feels like the hundredth time.

Blair convinced Hannah B to let them play in the basement during her birthday party tonight and for some reason everyone seemed to be on board, even Sterling. In hopes of talking them out of it, April invited herself over to the Wesley’s to get ready, but neither of the twins want to budge on the idea.

“Why are you being so whiny about it?”

“Because it’s weird,” she argues, her voice shrill as she stomps her foot. April is well aware that she’s teetering on the edge of a childlike tantrum and if it wasn’t such a last resort she would be humiliated. “Her parents are going to be right upstairs, Sterling has a boyfriend, plus kissing random people just-”

But her thought goes unfinished as hands land on her face and lips press against hers for the longest three seconds of her life.

“See?” Sterling shrugs, taking a step back. “No big deal.”

April sputters, blinking for a moment as she shakes her head to brush off the initial shock.

Big fucking deal.

Every siren, every firework, every butterfly is screaming, booming, and fluttering respectively inside of her body. She prays that it’s all internal but the smirk on Blair’s face hints at some suspicion.

“Nice going, Sterl,” she laughs, pelting the girl with her own pillow. “You just made yourself April’s first kiss.”

“What?” her friend gasps. A hand goes up to her mouth in horror, but it only brings April’s focus back down to her lips. “No, I didn’t. Please tell me I didn’t.”

“You totally did,” Blair teases, crossing her arms when she shifts her attention back to April. “Isn’t that why you were nervous about playing the game?”

April gulps as she tunes into the conversation once again, rapidly trying to come up with a response while her brain seems to only want to think about other things, like hands on cheeks, soft kisses, and strawberry lip gloss?

Thankfully, Blair has set her up with an alibi because her mind is mush, and she couldn’t come up with something else even if she tried. And although it is still a slightly embarrassing reason, it’s definitely a better option than the truth. “Yep, thanks Sterl.”

Sterling drops her hand back to her side, revealing a look of guilt as a cackling Blair practically falls to her knees, though April can hardly hear it over the rapid thumping of her heart.

Everyone at the party seems to be having fun, but April can’t shake the anxious feeling that she has awaiting Blair’s stupid game. She knows it’s just a matter of time before the girl takes control of the room and puts her on the spot to play in front of their classmates.

Desperately needing something to keep her occupied, April slips off to the side to get some soda. She does her best to clear her head by tuning out the voices and laughter coming from behind her back. However, the tension she’s holding only increases when a familiar shape looms in her peripherals, joining her by the drinks.

“Hey,” Sterling says softly, her hands fiddling with the ends of her shirt. April knows it’s a nervous habit, just like the way she’s staring at the floor. “I’m sorry about earlier. I wasn’t thinking.”

The timid approach of her best friend pushes April to be confident in an attempt to keep the conversation light. The last thing she wants is for this to turn into a heart to heart moment.

“What happened to no big deal?” April folds her arms across her chest and narrows her gaze, cross-examining the girl.

Blue eyes glance nervously around the room as Sterling leans forward to whisper, “First is kinda big.”

She looks expectantly at April, waiting for her to agree. But knowing that her friend would feel guilty if she did, she shrugs it off instead. “I didn’t think so.”

It’s a lie but she sells it well.

For a moment Sterling looks taken aback and almost disappointed, like she thought April would want it to be with someone that meant something. Similarly to how her’s meant something with Luke.

“I thought you said kissing random people-”

“You’re not random,” April reminds her, panicking as soon as she says it. “And it wasn’t in front of everybody.”

Her quick addition seems to settle the both of them. Sterling no longer looks remorseful for her forced kiss and April feels like she just escaped a very close call.

“Well you should totally play then,” she says, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “You really have nothing to be nervous about.” Sterling winks, giving April a playful nudge that nearly knocks her off her feet.

Grade 10

“Just pick one and don’t tell anybody,” Blair announces, walking around the lunch table with her hat held in front of her.

Ezekiel grimaces at the paper in his hand. “What if I don’t want who I have?”

“Sucks to suck.”

She pauses at each person, watching carefully to make sure that they only take one folded up name and that they don’t peak at any others. Secret Santa had been Hannah B’s idea, but Blair is the one putting it in motion. She’s way more firm when it comes to commanding a group.

April pulls out the last name in the hat, rolling her eyes when she sees that it’s Luke. But before she can even complain, the bell rings sending them off to class.

Most of the group disperses, murmuring to one another about their chosen names regardless of Blair shouting, “Remember it’s a secret!”

April walks down the hall with Sterling towards their shared math class, dreading the idea of getting Luke a present every step of the way. He wasn’t even really friends with most of them. He was just there as Sterling’s plus one. Aside from their similar taste in girls, April doesn’t even know what he likes.

“Not to be a spoiler,” her friend starts, voice hushed as she looks over her shoulder, “but I didn’t get you.”

April can’t help but smile as Sterling looks at her like she just shared the world's biggest secret. “I didn’t get you either.”

“Is it okay if we still give each other presents?”

“If you want to.”

“I want to,” Sterling confirms eagerly.

Her enthusiasm is a little off putting, coming out of nowhere, but April agrees, “Okay then.”

She spends the next coming weeks trying to plan exactly what to get for her friend, probably working herself up a bit too much about it. Obviously she wants her gift to be really good, but not too good where it’s suspicious of how thoughtful she was. April needs to find the perfect bridge in between those two sides.

The odd part about it is that their gift exchange is being kept more under wraps than the actual Secret Santa. The whole group has long been well aware of who has who even with Blair threatening them all, but Sterling hasn’t so much as mentioned their plans in front of anyone. In fact they only talk about it over text and she is apparently feeling good about her choice for April, which only makes April more nervous for Sterling to come over and exchange.

The budding insecurity certainly doesn’t go away when her friend shows up with a big wrapped box and she just has a small gift bag to offer in return. Unfortunately though, it’s too late to back out as they are now sitting criss cross on April’s bed with their respective gifts in hand.

“You go first,” Sterling insists, passing her the box with a giddiness that would make you think it was actually Christmas morning. April can feel eyes watching her as she peels the paper, revealing a very intricate Lego Star Wars spaceship.

“The receipt is on the back if you hate it. I know it’s technically a toy and it says ages eight and up, but you love Star Wars and you’re really good at puzzle type things.”

April puts her hand on Sterling’s knee, immediately stopping her incessant rambling. “I love it.”

“Really?” Sterling lights up as April nods to confirm. “We can work on it together if you’ll have me.”

“That sounds great, Sterl.”

The smile on her friend's face brings up that familiar tingly feeling that she has come to know very well over the years. It’s a feeling that has grown up with them, evolving but never drastically changing or going away. And while it used to fill her with uncertainty, she now easily accepts the butterflies along with what they mean for her sexuality.

Passing Sterling the small gift bag feels anti-climatic after her big box. She certainly doesn’t watch her friend unwrap it with the same level of excitement.

As she pulls the little necklace with her initial on it out of the tissue paper, April suddenly feels a need to prattle as well. “I just thought it was pretty. You can have the receipt too if you want.”

But Sterling has an awestruck expression on her face as she lets the simple S just dangle in front of her. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

And apparently she isn’t even lying. When they return to school after their winter break Sterling wears it everyday. The necklace becomes such a staple that their friends assume Luke got it for her and April doesn’t know if that’s a flattering or scary comparison in regards to her secret.

Chapter Text

Grade 11

April had never been more ashamed of herself than when she made Sterling cry. The girl had just confessed to having sex in the back of Luke’s car and April, well April lost it.

She reacted with anger and jealousy, lashing out at her friend for her latest “sin.” Bitter that while she was doing acts of service all summer, Sterling was hanging out with her boyfriend and yet she still got fellowship leader.

It isn’t until the tears fall from Sterling’s eyes that she hops off her high horse, quits acting like a scorned lover, and finally decides to be the friend Sterling thinks she has.

“I’m so sorry,” she says softly, realizing her mistake. April takes a step in closer to where her friend stands sniffling, with her arms protectively folded across her body. She slowly reaches a hand out, placing it on the girl’s shoulder, and when Sterling doesn’t flinch or back away April pulls her into a tight hug. “Sometimes I sound just like my dad.”

The confession comes with a new weight of shame. Following her father’s arrest, April has tried to push away all the things that remind her of the man, but apparently the ones inside of her are a bit harder to shake. On top of that Sterling had been there to comfort her the night that it happened. She slept over even though it was a school night and she didn’t say a word, she just let April cry. Clearly she is the better friend and April’s anger is misdirected.

“Not with me,” Sterling sniffles, finally sinking into the embrace as she wraps her arms around April’s waist. “You usually just save that for other people. I must’ve really messed up.”

“No,” she shakes her head, leaning far enough away to catch Sterling’s eye. “You didn’t.” But her friend doesn’t look convinced and after the way April freaked out, she doesn’t quite blame her. “You’re in love,” she smiles, wiping away a fallen tear. “I don’t make the rules and neither do the guys who wrote the freaking bible, so we can’t truly know if you damned yourself to hell just yet.”

Sterling exhales a small laugh just as April expected and although she’s made her apology, she knows the job isn’t finished.

Taking her friend by the hand, April pulls her over to sit on the bed. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

“I don’t have to.”

“You can tell me anything, Sterling.”

April thought that would put the girl at ease, but instead she looks away like she’s the one feeling guilty. “I don’t know about that.”

“Nothing you ever say to me will change this,” she says, motioning her hand between the two of them. “I promise.”

And although it is a bit hard to hear, April supportively coaxes out the details of Sterling’s night with Luke, knowing that it is exactly what Sterling would do for her.

Following the memorial for Mr. Koontz, April gets surprising news. It comes in the form of a text from her best friend and it sends her racing over to the Wesley’s house immediately.

“Did he hurt you? Do I have to hire a hitman? I always knew he was stupid, but you are obviously the best he could ever do.”

“No, no, no,” Sterling laughs, sitting up from her bed as a frantic April stands in her doorway. “I broke up with him.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The message simply said that they broke up so April had prepared herself for a much different scenario. She expected tears, but it looks as if they’ve already been shed.

With her eyebrows furrowed in confusion April takes a slow step into the room. “Well are you okay?”

“I think so,” she shrugs. With a nod towards the bed she invites April to sit, and as soon as she does Sterling curls up against her, laying her head on her chest.

“Is there anything I can do?” April asks, gently running her fingers through the girl’s hair.

“Yeah,” she smiles, a little giggle rumbling through her, “you can tell me how you know a hitman.”

“My dad is in prison, Sterl. I’m sure he’s got a guy.”

April says it lightly enough for her friend to laugh, but instead Sterling’s body unexpectedly tenses in her arms. “I thought you weren’t talking to him.”

“If the circumstances were that dire I’d take the call.”

“They’re not.” Sterling is oddly quick to reply with a firm tone, but as she shakes her head and adorably nuzzles in closer, April forgets what they were even talking about.

The breakup hadn’t necessarily left Sterling with more free time, her new job kept her pretty busy, but when she was free it left her with more time for April.

She would often get texts from her friend asking to study together, or get ice cream, or come over on a Saturday afternoon. April figured Sterling needed simple things to keep her busy, while Blair was spending time with her new boyfriend. But regardless of what she told herself Sterling never made her feel like a backup plan. And as much as April liked it, she found herself so easily distracted when they were trying to work.

“Is this a diary?”

April glances over her shoulder to see Sterling pointing to the little notebook on her nightstand. “It’s a journal.”

“Same thing,” she teases, poking her in the side with her foot.

April half heartedly rolls her eyes but when the joke fades away Sterling’s leg stays pressed right up against hers. She thought sitting down by the end of the bed while her friend was up against her headboard would minimize contact and allow her to focus, but that apparently isn’t the case.

“I didn’t know you had a diary.”

“Journal,” April reminds her. This time when she looks back her heart drops, seeing the book in Sterling’s hand. “Hey,” she jumps, turning to face her. “Give it back.”

“I don’t think so,” Sterling jokes, playfully waving it right out in front of her. April desperately reaches to grab it but the girl quickly pulls it back, wearing a mischievous grin.

Without warning April lunges at her friend, wrestling to get the book from her and despite how fast April’s heart is beating in a panic, Sterling just laughs from underneath her. “The juicy secrets of April Stevens? Sign me up.”

In a rapid rush of adrenaline her hands grab a hold of Sterling’s wrists, forcefully pinning them to the bed and knocking the journal from her grip onto the floor.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Sterling says breathlessly, her core still trembling as she laughs. “I would never invade your space like that.”

As she hovers over her giggling friend, April’s eyes narrow in her best effort to feign arrogance. “That’s what I thought.” But a smile sneaks onto her face as Sterling glances away, cheeks most likely red from the sudden exertion of their little scuffle.

“Plus, you’re like freakishly strong. I had no shot.”

“I lift,” she shrugs, letting go of the girl’s hands and immediately realizing their position. Somewhere in all that panic and chaos she straddled her best friend and long time crush.

Her first thought is to jump off and move, but something keeps her there a moment longer. Sterling stares up with a soft look in her eyes, tongue wetting her lips, and for a second April is tempted to do something really stupid.

But an abrupt knock from her mother snaps her right out of it.

The door opens without much warning, sending April rapidly to her feet, putting as much distance between her and a very confused Sterling as possible.

“What are you girls getting up to in here?”

“Working on a project,” she lies, meeting her mother in the doorway. “Just wanted some quiet time.”

“Well don’t let me stop you.”

The woman is gone just as quickly as she came but she leaves the door open, which April finds very unsettling.

“Why did you say that?” Sterling whispers, pulling her away from her thoughts. “We’re not working on a project.”

“She doesn’t need to know that.”

April picks the journal up off of the floor as her friend continues to spiral out with questions. “Why can’t she know that? I’m here all the time.”

“Look,” she sighs. April has been tiptoeing around her parents and their homophobia for years. She’s well aware that they have an open door rule when it comes to guests and that her mother is probably suspicious of them simply wanting to do homework in peace. “You don’t know my parents like I do, okay?”

As she moves towards the nightstand it is Sterling’s hand that finds her wrist. “So tell me.” Blue eyes follow their own grip, up to April’s gaze, and back down to the notebook in her hand, practically pleading with her.

“Nothing to tell,” she says, tossing the journal into its usual place and closing the drawer.

April is pretty much convinced that her father ruins everything. She had been cruising right along, dominating each and every debate until she came head to head with Craig Wu.

This was a moment she had prepared for every day since last year's tournament. She had her arguments practiced and preached. She had her secret intel on the tip of her tongue and just as she was about to drop the hammer he beat her to it, bringing up her dad. Having his crimes publicly dangled out in front of her, their classmates, and the judges, left April freezing up like a deer in headlights.

Now Willingham’s only hope at victory is Sterling Wesley, and while April adores her best friend, she isn’t too confident in the girl’s ability to win on her own. So April shares her tidbit of information, begging her friend to use it because she really really needs this.

And for the most part Sterling holds her own against the debate champion. Her arguments are strong and she isn’t nearly as nervous as usual. Something about her is different. She’s radiating confidence in a way April has never seen before and damn does it look good on her. But before she can get too caught up in those thoughts the perfect opportunity arises for Sterling to use her intel.

April sits up in her seat, eagerly watching the two of them as she knows what is sure to come. She can’t wait to see the look on Wu’s face as he gets a taste of his own medicine.

“You make a great point.”

No. She didn’t do that. Not again. Not after April spoon fed her a win and begged her to do whatever it takes. But there’s an uproar in the room and the timer sounds, confirming that Sterling did in fact just blow the match.

“What the hell was that?” April growls, dragging Sterling down an empty hallway. “I gave you that boy on a silver platter. Why didn’t you pull the trigger?”

“It just felt mean,” she whispers, glancing around nervously. “I didn’t want to win that way.”

“That’s exactly how he won against me,” April exclaims, barely resisting the urge to stomp her foot in a full tantrum. They were supposed to be holding the championship trophy right now, not the tiny second place one her friend proudly claimed. “You could’ve taken it back.”

“It didn’t feel right, April.”

Sterling’s voice is firm as she turns to walk away, but April isn’t finished yet. She grabs the girl by the arm, holding her in place. “I needed this and you screwed me over. I thought you were supposed to be my best friend.”

“I am,” she squeaks as her eyes shift to the grip April has on her arm, face getting redder by the second.

“Well you have a funny way of showing it.”

After April storms away the girls encounter their first ever rough patch. They go days without speaking or even seeing each other as April takes some time off from school over her father’s impending trial. However, upon her return a misstep of Ezekiel choosing Hannah B as a project partner lands them back on speaking terms sooner than April had intended.

And it’s weird. Sterling does everything she’s told. She doesn’t second guess April once, which would’ve come in handy at the tournament, although they don’t speak a word about it. She’s giving far more compliments than usual, babbling like she does when she’s nervous, and ranting about how much she hates the apostle Paul. It’s beyond strange but April figures the awkward tension is only there because of their fight.

She finds out just how wrong that is after their Solomon’s Temple receives an A+ and her short tempered rant about her father’s lies lands lips on hers in the middle of Ellen’s office.

Standing at one end of the bathroom sink, April is unable to look up into the mirror. Every time she does she catches Sterling’s gaze on the other side, regardless of Blair being in the middle. And every time she catches those eyes she thinks about how they looked at her yesterday in between fervent kisses as they paused to catch their breath.

The moment unfortunately was interrupted when someone knocked on Ellen’s door and April left in a hurry. She panicked and it wasn’t surprising when the night came and went without a word from Sterling.

“So April,” Blair starts, breaking the tense silence, “are you busy tonight?”

“No, free as a bird.”

“Awesome,” the girl grins, turning to her sister. “What about you, Sterling?”

“Same,” she shrugs. “What did you have in mind?”

“Absolutely nothing, because I’m busy with Miles,” she says, stepping back from the counter top. “But you two have fun.”

Just like that Blair is gone and the two of them stare at the closed door with dumbfounded expressions on their faces as they try to figure out what just happened.

Eventually Sterling slowly turns, cheeks a light shade of pink as she forces a laugh. “She can be so weird sometimes.”

“I’m guessing you told her.”

Sterling ducks down, glancing under the stall doors to ensure that they’re alone. She only takes a step in closer once she’s certain it’s just the two of them.

“You left. I thought I did something wrong,” she explains, her voice low just in case. “Blair told me to at least text you but I was afraid you wouldn’t answer.”

April glances away, nodding her head. She gets it. If she had somebody she could talk to about this, she would. Instead she spent years sorting it all out in a journal and reciting “God is not going to smite you for being a lesbian” repetitively until she was convinced. But even still, something about this actually being out there worries her, regardless of if it’s just Blair.

Sensing her discomfort, Sterling looks down, twisting the tip of her shoe against the ground much like she used to do on the swings. “We don’t actually have to hang out tonight. It’s fine if you don’t want to.”

“I do.”

April’s sudden eagerness surprises Sterling at first, but a wide smile quickly spreads across her face. “Wanna go to the Fun Zone?”

It’s a random suggestion but April takes it and thinks about it all day, finding herself distracted in every class because she kinda maybe has a date with Sterling and that’s something she never thought she’d say.

Their car ride to the place is awkward and quiet. Hardly a word is said as the anticipation for what’s to come clearly has them both on edge. Sterling keeps her eyes on the road and her fingers gripped tightly to the wheel, while April stares out the window, nervously tapping her foot. Their usual easy dynamic is nowhere to be found under these new unfamiliar circumstances.

Skee ball loosens them up. Any excuse for competition is enough to get April going and Sterling plays right along, dragging her off to other games as well. Their moment yesterday goes entirely unspoken while they play, just leaning into the fun with a bit of competitive banter going back and forth.

It’s not until they sit down for an Icee that things get quiet once again with the truth looming overhead. Hating the uncertainty and the tension, April breaks the silence.

“So about yesterday.”

“I messed up, didn’t I?”

Out of habit, April reaches for her hands to offer a comforting touch. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” she assures her and Sterling’s eyes go wide. They then drop down to where April is holding her, causing April to let go and lean back in her seat. After taking in a deep breath, she figures it’s now or never. “I’m gay, Sterling.”

“You know?”

“You don’t?”

Sterling shakes her head, ducking innocently down towards the table. “I just know I like you.” As she glances back up a shy smile graces her lips, cheeks blushing more and more by the second and April can’t help but smile back. “Was that too forward?”

April shakes her head.

“Whenever I’m near you I get this tingly feeling in my stomach and I start to get dizzy.”

Tingly. April pretty much stopped hearing anything after that. She can see Sterling still talking, still smiling, still blushing but the rapid pounding of her heart has flooded her ears instead. Sterling feels for her what April has felt all these years. She’s describing it in enough detail for her to make that conclusion confidently. And Sterling is practically beaming when April tunes back in just in time to hear her say, “Sometimes I think about you so much my maxilla goes numb.”

In an effort to refocus on the girl in front of her, April had leaned halfway across the table, and although she now realizes that they’re too close for her self-control, she tempts it anyway.

Her hand lands on the girl’s cheek, brushing gently against her skin. “How does it feel now?”

Sterling suddenly goes quiet, looking like she might pass out. April swears she hears a gulp and can feel the warmth spread across her cheeks as she says, “I’m just glad I’m sitting for this.”

That night April details the events in her journal, feeling like God threw a massive curveball at her own master plan. She never thought she would tell anybody her secret while still under her father’s roof and attending Willingham. She never thought she would act on said secret with the girl she was crushing on. And she certainly never thought that girl would kiss her as soon as they got back in the car saying, “I’ve been wanting to do that all day.”

“Sterling, do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m busy.”

“I know you’re mad. I just want to explain.”

“I’m not mad. I’m busy,” she repeats without taking her eyes off of her notebook. “Too busy for explanations.”

April lets out a long sigh. They hadn’t discussed the circumstances around their budding relationship yesterday, although she had intended to. They got a little distracted in the Volt and April never quite brought it up. So today at school Sterling tried to hold her hand and she had pulled away. The hurt look on her face was almost enough to make April regret it.

“I’m sorry,” she says, scooting across the mattress to settle in behind Sterling. She can see the girl’s body is stiff, certainly holding onto some anger. Hoping to alleviate bits of it, April wraps her arms around her waist. “I really think not coming out is the best thing for us.”

“You said that already.”

“Well think about it a second.” April rests her chin on the girl’s shoulder, noticing how tense her muscles are. “We can still have sleepovers and alone time,” she whispers, kissing her neck and immediately feeling Sterling’s body relax. “The way we act doesn’t have to change. We just get to do other things behind doors that wouldn’t otherwise be closed.”

April knows damn well that they wouldn’t be up here with the door shut or potentially in Sterling’s bedroom at all if the Wesley’s knew about the two of them. It’s one of the happier perks that she’s trying to focus on, rather than the expected homophobia of their community. And although Sterling’s body settles back against hers, the girl still doesn’t make a move to agree.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she mumbles. “It’s stupid.”

“Tell me anyway?”

Sterling inhales a long breath, adjusting her head on April’s shoulder so that their eyes meet. “I just had this idea of us holding hands and sleeping side by side at the lock in tomorrow.”

“What is it with you and hand holding?” April teases, but Sterling doesn’t laugh. She just stares with her eyes big and pleading. April hates it and the guilty weight that comes along. “I wish I was that brave.”

“Are you kidding me?” The girl suddenly perks up, turning towards her with a stunned expression. “If you tell Blair this I will totally deny it, but you’re like the bravest person I know.”

Feeling her face flush, April looks away with a bashful shake of her head. “You’re lying.”

“Hey, take it back!”

A playful whack to her knee brings April’s eyes back up just in time to see a pout on Sterling’s face that could honestly get the Great Wall of China to collapse.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t believe you,” she shrugs. “You’ll have to convince me.”

“Challenge accepted.”

Gentle hands land on her legs as Sterling situates herself comfortably in front of her, completely flipping their roles from before. Her sulking posture is now long gone, spine stretched comfortably and head held high, channeling a new found confidence.

“You’re the debate captain because you literally never shy away from a fight and you always win.”

“Not always,” April corrects. “You went farther than I did this year.”

“Because of a low blow,” Sterling reminds her, sliding a hand along her thigh in a way April wishes she didn’t notice. “This is my moment though. You just have to listen.”

April nods, allowing a grateful Sterling to continue her challenge. “You practically threatened Luke’s life when you found out we broke up.”

“That’s just me being a good friend. That has nothing to do with bravery.”

As Sterling rolls her eyes, April’s hand shoots up to her lips, remembering that she had literally just agreed to stay quiet. For the sake of her slip up she mouths an apology, but it’s no surprise that Sterling just brushes it off, entirely unfazed.

“You have gone through more this year than anyone else I know and somehow you’ve held it all together with that same April Stevens ferocity that I am so blessed to have in my corner by the way,” she continues, keeping one hand on the girl’s leg and one hand over her own heart as if every word she says is radiating directly from it and traveling through her touch. And the crazy part is that April can practically feel it.

“As much as you know that this thing with us is going to be hard,” she says, motioning a quick hand between them, “you still kissed me back.”

A soft smile forms on Sterling’s face as her hand gently returns to its original spot, warning April of a closing argument that will likely be hard to refuse.

“You could’ve walked away and you could’ve turned down the Fun Zone, but you didn’t. You came back and you stayed, because you’re brave.”

Their eye contact starts to become too strong for April’s comfort, so she shifts her focus to the hand in her lap as she feels herself being convinced. This wasn’t part of the plan, but she’s wanting it more and more with each word.

“We can do this together, like we do everything,” Sterling says with a supportive squeeze on April’s thigh. “I know we can.”

April looks up slowly as the girl’s voice comes to a stop instead of a pause. She’s holding her breath, and although her body is tense, April catches a glimmer of hope in her eye.

“You make a great point.”

Sterling’s whole face lighting up is more than enough to put April at ease, but before another word can even be said, she’s launching into her arms, tackling her onto the bed and kissing every single one of her lurking fears away.

If April has learned one thing this year it’s that life can throw you a curveball when you least expect it. Every time she thought she had a plan her whole world turned upside down instead. So you would think she wouldn’t be surprised to find her father standing at her bedroom door but for some reason she still is.

“How are those twins you hang out with?”

“Fine.”

“Just fine? I thought you were close.”

“She’s closer with Sterling,” her mother chimes in and April feels like the room is on fire. Her father’s stare is certainly damning enough to cause destruction and she can practically hear the sirens wailing in her ears.

“Keep your distance.”

“I don’t understand.” April blinks rapidly, trying to catch up. The man just got out of prison. There’s no way he could know something about them. “She’s been my best friend for years, daddy. Why now?”

“I just don’t like you being so close to that girl.”

And that alone puts April on edge for the rest of the night, pushing her in a dangerous direction where she doesn’t like either outcome. She can embrace Sterling and in more ways than one go against her father’s wishes, or she can push the girl far enough away to resort back to her original plan.

After giving it some thought she chooses the latter.

April spent years telling herself that she would come out and explore her sexuality at college. She doesn’t need to do it now. She doesn’t need to be with the one person she’s thought about everyday for God knows how many years. There will be other friends and other crushes, but she will never have another family.

Which leads her to the bench outside the school with a crying Sterling, begging for an explanation, because April had just done the unthinkable and flirted with Luke right in front of her.

“What changed?”

“My dad’s back.” Her throat tightens around the words in a way that she didn’t see coming. April spent weeks wanting him back and praying for things to return to normal. Now she doesn't know what she wants. “He’s out and I can’t do this with him home.”

“What do you mean he’s out?” Sterling’s face is ghostly pale, and for a moment her anger subsides as the look in her eyes leans more towards fearful.

“He came home today. Believe me, I was just as surprised,” she explains, watching a whirlwind of emotions play out on the other girl’s face. “He told me we were too close and I don’t even remember the last time you guys saw each other.”

“It’s fine,” Sterling says flatly, suddenly dropping the fight. “I get it.”

Her fire going out so easily burns more than April will care to admit. It certainly doesn’t help that she looks aside in an attempt to hide her hurt feelings, sniffles not so quietly giving her away.

April reaches out for her hand but the girl pulls back, refusing to let her land a comforting touch. And although it hurts, it’s probably for the best since April knows this will likely end their friendship as they both know it. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry,” she says wiping a tear off her own cheek. Sterling still won’t even turn her head to look at her and selfishly April needs a little bit of hope. “Maybe someday?”

“I don’t know, April.”

Having spent most of the night awake with Luke snoring by her side, April skips out early the next morning too exhausted and sad to worry about helping with the clean up.

She had texted Sterling a few times throughout the night to see if she got home safe and apologize once again. However, each attempt went unanswered no matter how many times she checked her phone, only adding salt to her self-inflicted wound.

And it hurt way more than she thought it would. Losing Sterling was an expected pain, but having that brief taste of freedom ripped away from her was something she couldn’t have prepared for.

On top of that April can now add breaking her best friend’s heart to the list of terrible things she’s done. Or maybe just the list of terrible things her dad made her do. Either way it’s a heavy weight to carry on the drive home.

Her phone rings through the bluetooth of her car, pulling April’s gaze momentarily towards the screen. The other twin’s name shows up and her body tenses. One thing that she knew for sure about Blair was that she would absolutely throw hands for her sister.

Certain that she’s in for a well deserved earful, April lets out a long sigh and picks up anyway. “Blair, I’m really not in the mood.”

“That makes two of us.”

Her eyebrows furrow at the girl's tone. Blair’s voice is flat and scratchy, like a didn’t get much sleep, been crying for hours type of scratchy. April knows it well because hers sounds exactly the same.

“Can you come over?” she asks quietly as a door clicks shut in the background. “Things are kinda rough over here. I think Sterling could really use you right now.”

“You don’t know?” April starts, certainly surprised to hear that Sterling didn’t tell her sister what happened between them. “The reason she’s upset is because I-”

“The reason she’s upset is because my crazy secret aunt kidnapped her from the lock in last night and is apparently her real mom. So we’re not even sisters, we’re fucking cousins.”

The car goes quiet for a moment as April tries to wrap her head around everything Blair just threw at her. Sterling being kidnapped and adopted is too crazy to be true. They’ve been best friends since they were little. She’s been to so many of their conjoined birthday parties. She’s seen their family pictures. Her family gets the Wesley Christmas card every year. There’s just no way.

“I could really care less about your relationship status or your dad being home. I just,” Blair pauses to inhale sharply, causing April’s fingers to tighten around the wheel in anticipation. Following the release of a long breath, a much calmer voice sounds through the speakers of her car. “She’s a wreck and I need to get some sleep, April please.”

Well April doesn’t think she’s ever heard Blair use pleasantries in her life, let alone beg for anything. So the crazy, terrifying story must be true.

“I’ll be there in five.”

She’s there in three and even after getting the full rundown from Sterling’s alleged adoptive parents, April can still hardly wrap her head around it. She can’t help but wonder if the night would’ve gone differently had she not flirted with Luke, not left Sterling on that bench, and had gone forward with their plan.

She finds Sterling curled up tightly in her blankets, facing the opposite wall, seemingly unfazed by the opening and closing of her bedroom door. A pile of tissues on the bedside table, along with a quiet sniffle coming from under the covers, quickly brings April over to the bed. Tossing away her fears for the moment, she slides gently across the mattress until she’s close enough to drape her arm around the girl’s waist.

“Blair, I told you to go to sleep.”

“Do I smell like Blair to you?”

“April!” Sterling exclaims, flipping over immediately and tucking herself into the crook of her neck. April wraps her up tight and exhales a much needed breath, relieved that the girl didn’t push her away. There’s a bit of moisture against her skin as Sterling nuzzles in close, likely from the tears she so obviously cried. “Did they tell you?” Her voice is quiet and small, much different from her original greeting as the reason for April’s arrival becomes apparent.

“Yeah,” she says softly, “I’m so sorry.”

The thought of Sterling tied up and at gunpoint only makes April hold her even tighter, but her friend doesn’t seem to mind. Sterling’s hands cling to the material of her shirt like she doesn’t want to be let go.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sterling shakes her head and the sniffling ensues. Over the next few minutes April sheds some of her own tears just from listening to the other girl cry. She runs her fingers through her hair, whispering that she’s got her, and lays there with her for what feels like hours.

It isn’t until a kiss presses to her collarbone that April even realizes Sterling stopped crying.

“I’m sorry.”

A confused April leans back just enough to get a look at red, puffy eyes and pouting lips. “For what?”

“For pressuring you about the lock in.”

“Forgiven,” April smiles, wiping away a straggling tear. “I’m still not ready, but when you get yourself kidnapped to win a fight…”

Sterling’s body trembles in a good way and her laughter is almost enough to make April forget about everything they’ve been through in the last twenty-four hours. Almost.

“I hated leaving it like that,” she says, taking a much softer, somber tone.

“Me too,” Sterling agrees, tracing her fingers ever so gently along April’s arm. “I thought you’d hate me.”

“Sterl, come on,” she chastises. Complicated relationship aside, they’ve been best friends for as long as she could remember and nothing will ever make her hate Sterling Wesley. In fact she’s felt pretty much the opposite of that for a few years now. “I love you.”

Sterling looks away, her face turning a deep shade of red. “Like in a friendship way, or like a you almost died way, or like -”

Their lips meet once April leans in and although it’s short, it says everything she needs it to. “In that way.”

“Really?”

Sterling smiles a dopey grin that makes her heart soar and April nods. “For kinda a long time actually.”

“Well I love you too,” she returns, giving April that tingly feeling all over again.