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The first time he kisses Achilles he knows in his heart that it’s not a mistake, but he plays it off as one. Achilles’ lips are rough and chapped from licking them too often but warm and inviting; Patroclus simply can’t stay away any longer. When he pulls away he feels a dull ache in his chest that only grows when he sees that Achilles’ eyes are closed and his expression is soft.
Did he want it too? Or was it a giant mistake that couldn’t be taken back?
Achilles’ eyes open and his expression turns from soft to surprised. “Patroclus,” he starts, but Patroclus shakes his head.
“Philtatos,” he whispers. “You said- you called me philtatos.”
“I did.”
“Did you mean it?”
Achilles’ cheeks turn a faint shade of pink and he bites his lip. The lip that Patroclus knows the taste of, knows the feeling of, will remember for as long as he lives. Instead of replying Achilles simply nods, looking him right in the eyes as he does. There’s something so satisfying about Achilles’ confidence; it almost masks Patroclus’ fear completely.
“I have to- I need to go,” Patroclus says in a hurry.
“No,” Achilles says, eyes widening. “Stay with me.”
“I can’t.”
“Where must you go that is so important then?”
More important than this moment? Than being with you? Patroclus thinks. There is nowhere more important than right here.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles then runs away.
-
Achilles is the sun; he shines brighter than anyone or anything else in the universe and always will. That is why he is so beloved and why everyone wants a piece of him. He cannot go anywhere without someone calling to him, offering him something, trying to walk with him, simply for the reward of basking in his light.
Patroclus is no different than everyone else. He too wants to be in the direct path of the sun, to glow for just a moment. Achilles is so magnetic that it’s impossible to stay away from him and Patroclus desperately wants that to be why he kissed him. It wasn’t anything more than a spur of the moment thing, a mistake that was made because of the draw of Achilles. It’s nothing more than that.
It isn’t how his heart races when Achilles looks up at him, or how he aches whenever Achilles is near. Even just the brush of their arms when they walk side by side sends sparks shooting through his veins, but that isn’t anything significant. It means nothing and it never will, the kiss was a mistake and that’s that.
A mistake that he dreams of both in waking and in sleep. That he thinks of constantly, that he finds himself clinging to. That gives him hope every time he thinks of it.
He doesn’t know if he hates that Achilles acts exactly the same as he always did or not. On one hand it’s a very good thing because the kiss didn’t ruin anything, but on the other colder hand it’s heartbreaking. It’s confusing for reasons he’s afraid to acknowledge and it’s starting to eat away at him the more time he spends with Achilles.
In order to protect himself, he stays away.
-
Spending time away from Achilles is a lonely thing. Patroclus hasn’t made very many friends besides him so he spends most days alone in his room or hiding in the olive grove that’s far away from the coast where Achilles likes to spend time. He takes his meals away from the rest of the boys and sleeps earlier than the others, trains harder too just to take the edge off.
As much as he tries to ignore it, he can almost feel Achilles’ dejection and hurt. Achilles doesn’t try to talk to him anymore or be near him, but he always feels his eyes watching him when he enters or leaves a room. The touch of his gaze is a feeling that warms him in the most painful way; it’s the sun coming out on a rainy day and brightening the sky. It fills Patroclus with the longing of a thousand men, the desire to fix things stronger than anything else.
It takes a month for Patroclus to break. A month of complete misery and pain, a month of loneliness and solitude without the one he so desperately wants. It’s the middle of the night when he hears Achilles slip past his room another time. Patroclus has noticed that he’s been going out every night and he can only assume it’s to go to the beach. He’s always been more comfortable there than anywhere else, which only makes sense.
Patroclus immediately gets out of bed and throws on a chiton, then runs out of his room to follow him. Achilles is quick but quiet, so following him proves difficult in the dark. Something about hearing his footsteps, though nearly silent, makes Patroclus feel lighter and more sure of himself. The pounding of his heart is Achilles’ name over and over.
Achilles, Achilles, Achilles.
He makes it to the beach seconds after Achilles does, but he finds Achilles already sitting with his feet in the water at the tideline. He’s using his finger to draw in the sand and Patroclus finds himself smiling at the small gesture. Achilles has never been allowed to explore his creative side, so seeing him act in defiance like that is a relief.
“Achilles,” he sighs just loud enough to be heard over the rush of the water.
Achilles turns around instantly, his eyes wide and glassy. He looks at him in disbelief and it sends pangs of hurt through his chest. “Patroclus.” Pat-ro-clus.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he gasps and runs over to him, dropping to his knees in the wet sand. “Please forgive me.”
“Don’t grovel,” Achilles says and laughs wetly, though there is no humour in it. “It doesn’t suit you.”
“I’ve… I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
“It wasn’t a mistake!” Achilles shouts, voice booming in the stillness of the night. “I know you believe it was but Patroclus, my Patroclus, it was not.”
Patroclus’ eyes widen in shock. “I avoided you! I ignored you and I hurt you because of my own selfish desires!”
Achilles reaches out to him, cupping his cheek. “It hurt me, yes, but you needed time and I understand that. Does that mean I did not miss you an unfathomable amount? Of course not, but above all else I want your happiness.”
The warmth of Achilles’ hand is grounding and he leans into, closing his eyes. “You feel so deeply, Achilles. How does no one know this?”
“Only you, philtatos. I only want you to know.” Suddenly Achilles has moved even closer, their knees touching as they kneel before each other. “Do you not know how special you are to me?”
“Even now?”
“Always,” he says. “You kissed me and I thought you- I thought you felt it too.”
“I love you,” Patroclus says in a rush.
Achilles eyes widen and he smiles so brilliantly it rivals the moon’s light. “I love you too,” he replies. They’re the most beautiful words he’s ever heard. “I feared you hated me.”
“I could never.”
Not one to waste time, Achilles kisses him. It’s in the eyes of the gods and more than likely Thetis, who disapproves so deeply, so it means everything. Patroclus kisses him back and they melt together, their bodies made just to fit perfectly.
“Grow old with me,” Achilles murmurs, smiling his cat’s smile.
Patroclus swallows hard and smiles back. “Anything, philtatos,” he says and begs the gods for his promise to be kept.