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Working with dragons is always full of surprises. They're highly intelligent creatures, known to be proud, noble, and independent, but of course, there are always idiots. When it comes to dragons, though, the problem is that even the dumbasses are clever enough to be a pain in the ass if they decide to antagonize you—or worse, if they decide to court you.
Dragons courting humans isn’t all that rare. It’s especially frequent with young ones, in the way some kids have a crush on their teacher. It’s innocent and doesn’t last, especially if it’s handled well. They give their crush a few gifts, posture a little, and move on as they get turned down or realize there are better mates out there.
Katsuki has this issue fairly often with his younger clients, but he prides himself in being able to turn them down easily. Some last longer than others, but they always give up in the end, which is for the best because they love to nick his shiny medical devices and give them back later as courting gifts. Their sanctuary is full of shiny, colorful trinkets to avoid this issue, but some dragons think bigger is better, which makes Katsuki’s tools highly desirable trophies.
And among these annoying dragons, none is more stubborn and stupid than little Parsnip, who doesn’t even have the excuse of being a child.
As soon as they got her, Katsuki knew she'd be a pain. Contrary to most of their residents, she's a wild specimen, a green pond dragon the size of a big potato that came to the sanctuary because she thought swimming pools were a lot prettier than the natural ponds her species is supposed to live in. They got a call from alarmed people whose pool she'd taken over, guarding it with her life and her tiny, razor-sharp teeth. She was lucky it was one of the adults who'd found her, after she bit their ankle and every other limb she could reach, attacking relentlessly with all the fury her tiny body could muster. Pond dragons are fast and agile swimmers thanks to their specialized flipper-wings, so it obviously didn't go well for the pool owner who was just trying to save the “poor little thing”, unaware that much like penguins and flying fishes, she could jump out of the water any time.
It took two attempts and careful coaxing for Kaminari and Eijirou to get her out of there. Or well… the first attempt was a failure because the little shit was clever enough to know no one could catch her in the water, so they had to leave and come back with more stuff. None of the trinkets seemed to please her, she was agile enough to avoid nets… and then, Eijirou walked out of the car to give Kaminari a hand, and she immediately climbed on him and took residence in his bright red hair.
She barely even looked at the pool when they left. She let Eijirou gently pluck her from his head, and didn't even protest the transport box as long as he kept a finger inside it for her to hold on. Then, they decided to keep her a few days so Katsuki could take care of her light chlorine burns, and troubles began.
She stayed glued to Eijirou's side the whole time she stayed at the sanctuary, having obviously decided that his hair was her new hoard, and she was too wild—or too stubborn—for Eijirou's training techniques to work on her. They released her as soon as she got better, in a nice pond far from the sanctuary, but she didn't stay outside for long. The annoying little shit was clever enough to understand that she could get Eijirou back if she took residence in another swimming pool, and after their second failed release attempt, she became a full-time resident of the sanctuary, and a constant source of annoyance for Katsuki.
If he had to pinpoint a specific moment, he'd say that Eijirou got promoted from Hoard to Future Mate somewhere during her second rescue. And since Parsnip is very determined and ambitious, the tiny trinkets aren't enough for her. Only Katsuki's big shiny tools can satisfy her, especially his trays and his stethoscope. The little shit is good, too! She can memorize Katsuki's patterns, slip into his office when he's not there, take the shiny stuff, and hide it well enough and long enough to give to Eijirou before Katsuki can take it back from her.
Like he said, she’s a huge pain. But at least she's not trying to steal his wedding ring anymore, so there's that. His watch isn't safe, though. No one's watches are safe, except Eijirou's.
“Eijirou, you gotta turn Parsnip down for good,” he says for the tenth time this month as his best friend gives him back his stethoscope. “This shit's getting out of hand.”
“I know, Katsuki, but she looked so proud of herself! And I've tried too, but she won't give up!”
“You haven't tried hard enough, then,” Katsuki grumbles as he wipes the slime on it.
“You know I have, and I really don't see what else I can do here… Even the most direct ways to turn her down don’t work, it only makes her try harder.”
Katsuki sighs. Eijirou's an amazing trainer, and his knowledge in dragon behavior is only rivaled by Katsuki's. If he says he's trying, Katsuki believes him. But maybe…
“Have you tried to show her you're already mated?” he asks.
Eijirou looks confused for a second. “I'm not…” he starts. Katsuki raises his ringed hand. “Oh!”
“Yeah, ‘oh’,” Katsuki says. “We're married, that means we're basically mated. She doesn't have to know the specifics of our wedding.”
“I don't know, Katsuki… Maybe she can tell and that's why she's still trying?”
“We're as mated as can be, Ei,” Katsuki insists. “Or are you trying to tell me you wouldn't let me publicly claim you?”
In dragon terms, it mostly involves knocking heads, rubbing necks, and kind of hugging, which is well within Katsuki's comfort zone, especially if it's with Eijirou.
His friend snorts. “So you're ready to do a mating dance with me?” he asks with an amused smile, bursting into laughter when Katsuki chokes on his spit.
He wasn't expecting them to go that far, and this is going to be ridiculous without wings, but there's a spark of challenge in Eijirou's eyes once he's stopped laughing that makes it impossible for Katsuki to refuse.
“You're on!”
They don't let any of their friends see them when they decide they're ready to show Parsnip their mating dance and claiming ritual. Katsuki knows they're ridiculous, but it's too late to give up now.
“Scared?” Eijirou asks with a smirk. “If you wanna back down, I won't stop you.”
“Ha, you wish!” Katsuki says, mirroring his expression. “Let's fucking do this!”
At one point, Eijirou said they should put on the matching dragon onesies he got for their wedding night and occasionally use for movie nights in winter, but neither of them could stay serious when they tried and they had to give up on them. At least, it means that if someone comes, they can easily stop and pretend it wasn't happening.
They clear up a space in their small meeting room, sit Parsnip on a chair where she can see the whole thing, find spots for a few other stubborn dragons currently trying to court one of them, and start dancing.
To be honest, Katsuki is a little proud of them. The dance used to feel weird and awkward without any music or wings, but they managed to find a pretty nice compromise that involves dragon dancing moves and human fighting ones, and it doesn't feel too shitty when they finish, wrapping each other in their “wings” and bumping heads before they slowly move them to the side to rub their necks together.
“I never want to do this again,” Eijirou whispers in his ear, out of breath.
“Same,” Katsuki agrees.
Every dragon present seems to get the message, some even giving them polite congratulatory chirps.
But of course, Parsnip doesn't give up. Instead, she steals the keys to the room and proudly puts them in Eijirou's hand after they spent half an hour looking for them.
The ritual was so ineffective on her that things don't even get worse after it, not even when Eijirou starts wearing Katsuki’s clothes—the closest thing to scenting they can do. It's like Parsnip doesn't see him as a worthy rival, even though they'd danced and Eijirou had obviously accepted his courting. By dragon standards, they're now officially mated, and yet…
Katsuki can't tell if he's offended because he went through a whole mating dance for nothing, or because he isn't taken seriously by the glorified toad. At this point, he's even tempted to show her pictures of their wedding, in the hope that she'd understand what the human ritual means, but he knows it won't work. A domesticated dragon might get it, but Parsnip's experience with humans is mostly limited to claiming their pools and being a nuisance.
Instead, Katsuki decides to put bigger trinkets in his office, and they do the trick for a while.
And then, out of nowhere, Parsnip stops.
It's not even gradual: one day she's stealing Katsuki's fake tensiometer (a broken model with a layer of gold paint he’s carefully hidden to make it look like it’s precious), and then, nothing for weeks. When she doesn't come to greet Eijirou one morning, they even start wondering if the annoying little toad is sick. But when they find her near her gaudy pond, decorated with all the shiniest stuff she could lay her viscous paws on, she's healthier than ever. And she has a whole hoard of bottle caps too…
They have to stake out her nest to find the reason. Kaminari told them that a camera would definitely be the better option, but since Eijirou and Katsuki were free that afternoon, they’ve decided to do it themselves.
“I feel like a private detective,” Eijirou whispers excitedly, lying next to him in their makeshift hiding spot behind a bush.
There isn’t much room for them to move, not unless they want to be found at least, but being pressed up against Eijirou isn’t too bad, Katsuki decides.
“Shut up and give me the binoculars,” he says.
Eijirou hands them without protesting, and Katsuki spots Parsnip’s nest easily. Pond dragons are supposed to be great at camouflage, but she’s not even trying: the entrance of her nest is so full of shinies it makes Katsuki wonder about the state of her hoard. How she survived so long in the wild is beyond him.
Of course, impatient as he is, Eijirou doesn’t let him focus on it for too long before he asks to have the binoculars back. Katsuki hands them with a shrug, focusing on other things for a few minutes until Eijirou complains about being bored.
“You’d have made a shitty detective,” Katsuki comments as he takes back the binoculars.
“But it’s boooring! There’s nothing to do, and nothing’s happening,” Eijirou pouts.
“Whatever,” Katsuki says, focusing on Parsnip’s nest again.
To be honest, he’s getting bored too, but there’s no way he’ll admit it. Instead, he watches the place intently while he listens to Eijirou’s occasional comments. One of their older residents, a green wyvern, approaches them after a while to get a few pets, and Eijirou is fully distracted until Katsuki has enough and forces the binoculars back in his hands.
“But Katsuki, I’m busy,” he whines.
“Not my fucking problem, it’s your turn,” Katsuki says.
“You can’t force me,” Eijirou says. It’s clearly a challenge.
“Yeah? Fucking watch me!”
They’re lucky nothing happens while they’re roughhousing, trying to force the other to submit and stay on lookout duty. They’re doing their best to stay at least moderately stealthy, repressing their laughter and trying not to move around too much, but it’s probably not very efficient.
Nothing has happened by the time they calm down, and they go back to watching the nest in silence until finally, their answer comes in the form of a magpie. Katsuki doesn’t want to believe his eyes when he sees the bird land near the nest’s entrance with a shiny bottle cap in its beak, and he wonders if it has a death wish when it starts singing . Pond dragons don’t usually eat birds, but they’re territorial and won’t hesitate to fight if they feel that their nest is in danger. To Katsuki’s surprise, the magpie shows no sign of fear when Parsnip comes out, attracted by its singing. Instead of flying away, it gives the bottlecap to Parsnip, and she looks positively smitten with her gift.
“Fucking finally!” Katsuki exclaims, triumphant. “You’ve been replaced, Ei,” he adds, passing the binoculars to his friend who gasps when he sees them interact.
Parsnip's new lover still isn't a dragon, but it's fine. Pond dragons aren't endangered, and the last thing Katsuki wants is to have to take care of a bunch of tiny Parsnips anyway. 'But they’d be little Snippets, Katsuki,' Eijirou once said, as if it would make them any less annoying.
When he turns to his friend to see his reaction, Katsuki doesn't expect Eijirou to look so shocked.
"I can't believe I've been replaced," he whispers in disbelief.
"You were already taken," Katsuki says.
"A magpie, Katsuki! I've been replaced by a magpie! That puts me between a swimming pool and a bird, by her standards!" he complains, but Katsuki can tell he's joking.
"I told you she has no taste!" he says, getting back on his feet and offering Eijirou a hand.
His friend is still pouting as they leave, and Katsuki stops him to bump their foreheads together, just hard enough to force Eijirou to focus on him.
"At least your pack has better standards," he says.
"Yeah, Riot would never replace me with a bird," Eijirou smiles.
"I would, though.”
"What a terrible mate," Eijirou gasps. "I want a divorce."
"You're filling the papers, then," Katsuki shrugs.
“That’s cruel! You know I can’t do that!” Eijirou cries. Then, he lets out a dramatic sigh and adds, "Poor me, forever stuck in a loveless marriage…"
"Yeah, I know, you're so unhappy," Katsuki snorts.
"Absolutely miserable," Eijirou agrees with a grin, taking Katsuki's hand and swinging them as they walk away, exchanging ideas on what they should get for dinner.
And just like that, everything is right in the world once more.