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The group returned to Alexandria mostly in silence. No one had really been able to appreciate the fact that the Whispers were gone. They were too exhausted. Tomorrow would be the time to plan the steps it would take to rebuild and move on.
Daryl led the way to the house, Lydia following behind him quietly. He held the door open for her to pass through before he closed it. He started towards the stairs that would take him to his basement.
"Daryl?" Lydia called out.
He paused and turned to look at her. She was wringing her hands, with a look of uncertainty. He took a few steps in her direction in concern.
"What's up?" he asked.
"I... I need to talk to you," she said hesitantly.
Daryl squinted at her.
"You okay?"
He looked her up and down, checking for any sign she might not be. He hadn’t had much chance to talk to her since the battle at Hilltop. She didn’t seem injured apart from her ankle.
"I'm fine,” she reassured him. “It's... It's not about me. It's about Carol," she admitted quietly.
His stomach jumped at the mention of Carol's name. He still felt foolish for the eager way he had presented the idea of New Mexico to her again. She had turned him down and he'd tried his best to hide his disappointment.
He loved and cared about the people in the communities but the walls closed in on him too much at times. He was itching to get out on the road but he knew couldn't leave without her. He focused back on Lydia, feeling the twisting in his stomach. News about Carol lately could almost give him an aneurism.
"What is it?" he asked with trepidation.
Lydia bit her lip.
"When we were out there with the horde, She..." she broke off, giving him a stricken look.
"She what?" he coaxed, feeling his panic start to skyrocket.
Lydia's eyes teared up a little. She blinked rapidly.
"She was going to jump too," she said in a rush.
"What?" Daryl asked, the word coming out louder and harsher than he intended.
"I pulled her back," Lydia said quickly. She looked down before continuing. "But, I think she was really going to do it. Go over the edge with the horde."
Daryl looked down. It was everything he had feared. She had wanted to kill herself. Opt out. He had known it was a bad idea to let her go out there. But she had been so adamant in going with Lydia and he had fooled himself into thinking that, with the Whisperers gone, she would be less inclined to do something stupid.
"I'm sorry," Lydia said next, the sympathy was clear on her face. "I didn't want to upset you but I thought you should know."
Daryl looked back up. He made an attempt at a smile for her. He probably failed, but he wanted to reassure her that he wasn’t upset with her for telling him. She didn’t need to be weighed down by anything else. The poor kid had suffered far too much in her young life.
"It's okay. Thanks for tellin' me.”
Lydia nodded. He expected her to go off to her room but she stood there, watching him silently.
"Somethin' else?" he questioned, not sure if he could handle anything on top of what he’d already heard.
Lydia looked down at her hands, fiddling with them a little.
"I know it's none of my business,” Lydia hedged. “But I think she needs your help.”
Daryl chewed his lip.
"I've tried," he responded, a little surprised that he had said it aloud. "She don't want it."
Lydia probably wasn’t the person he should be unloading this on but he hadn’t been able to stop the words from coming out. He had been holding the feelings of frustration and inadequacy inside for so long.
"I think you should try again,” Lydia told him. “It might be different this time."
She gave him a small smile before turning, most likely to head to her room. At the last minute though, she paused. She turned back to him. Her smile had dropped and she was eyeing him warily.
“What?” he asked, confused by her abrupt change in demeanour.
Lydia worried her lip with her teeth.
“I think you need to give her something to live for.”
Daryl furrowed his brow.
“What could I give her that would make her want to live?”
Lydia watched him silently for a moment.
“You could tell her that you’re in love with her,” she suggested quietly.
Daryl’s eyebrows shot up.
“What?” he asked, squinting at her. Where the hell had that come from?
Lydia sighed. She hugged her middle.
“I might have grown up with a psycho for a mother but even I see the way you look at her. You love her.”
Daryl sighed and looked away. He had no idea how Lydia had seen through him. He had always tried his damndest to keep his feelings for Carol to himself. There hadn’t been a point in revealing them because it didn’t matter. She wasn’t ever going to feel the same. Apparently Lydia was more observant than he had thought. That or he was just shit at covering his feelings.
“She don’t feel the same,” he replied. He grimaced at how miserable he sounded as he said it.
“Have you ever asked her?” she asked curiously.
“Of course not,” Daryl said with a scoff. “I just know.”
Lydia sighed as if he exasperated her. She shook her head.
“Look, it doesn’t matter if she does or doesn’t feel the same,” she said matter-of-factly. “The point is, if you tell her how you feel, there’s no way she’ll try to hurt herself.”
Daryl bit his lip as he considered her words.
“How can you be so sure?”
Lydia smiled sadly.
“Because I know she loves you. I’m not saying it’s in that way,” she quickly adds. “But she loves you. And she would never do something that would hurt you that much.”
Daryl considered her words. Could it really be that easy?
“You really think that if I told her, that would be enough?”
Lydia nodded.
“I do.”
He chewed his lip.
“What if you’re wrong? What if… What if she just laughs in my face?” Daryl asked, feeling like a kid in that moment. His cheeks must be so red.
Lydia’s lips twitched.
“Has Carol ever laughed at you?”
Daryl snorted.
“All the damned time.”
Lydia gave him a look.
“I mean really laughed. Like making fun of you.”
Daryl inclined his head.
“No,” he admitted. “Never.”
Lydia smiled properly this time.
“You see? She’s not going to laugh at you,” she said with confidence. She reached her hand out and patted him on the shoulder lightly. “Just think about it.”
Daryl gave her a nod and watched her head off to her bedroom. He heard the door open and close. He thought about Lydia’s words. Could exposing his feelings really ensure Carol would stop trying to get herself killed? If he did, he would be opening himself up for a lot of embarrassment. But if it worked, he would be able to rest easy, knowing she was safe.
With trepidation, he climbed the stairs. Part of him wanted to turn around and lock himself in his room instead. But he had to be willing to make a fool of himself. He didn’t trust that she wouldn’t try something else and this was the only plan he had. It was probably not going to work but what else could he do? He knocked on the door a few times. There was no reply.
Daryl’s heart started pounding. Carol had gone off alone as soon as they got inside the gate. He'd let her go, thinking she might need time to herself. Now, he was regretting that decision.
What if she tried something else? What if she's already dying in there?
He moved to bust the door down when he heard footsteps. He blew out a breath in relief. The door swung open to reveal Carol. She blinked, looking surprised to see him but she soon gave him a weak smile.
"Hey," she said hesitantly.
Daryl stared at her. He couldn't even manage to return the greeting. He was too worked up after hearing that she was going to kill herself.
"We gotta talk," he said gruffly. He pushed past her into the room without any preamble.
"Okay...?" she replied, moving back to let him pass. She sounded confused.
Daryl watched as she shut the door. He started to pace in the middle of the room, trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. He glanced up at her every now and then but she just stood there, waiting patiently.
"Is everything… Are you okay?" she asked, breaking the quiet. He could see the worry in her eyes.
Daryl huffed and paused. He turned to her fully.
“No, I ain’t okay,” he said, his words coming out as a growl. “I know what you were gonna do."
Carol frowned. He saw how she had flinched at his harsh tone. He did feel bad for it but he couldn’t help how worked up he was.
"What?"
"Lydia. She told me," he said.
"Told you? What did she tell you?"
But Daryl could see the look in her eyes. She already suspected what Lydia had told him.
"She told me how you were about to throw yourself off that cliff with the horde."
Carol sighed and hung her head.
“She… She didn’t have to tell you that.”
Daryl huffed.
“ ‘Course she told me. She was worried.”
Carol sighed again.
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any explanation for you, Daryl.”
Daryl softened a little.
“I don’t need an explanation. I just need you to promise me you ain’t gonna try somethin’ like that again.”
“I want to. I want to tell you that I won’t but I don’t think I can. I just keep thinking that maybe it would be better.”
Daryl made a noise of dismay.
“There’s no way in hell that would be better.”
“If it wasn’t for me, Connie—“
Daryl scoffed at the mention of his friend.
“Not this again,” he muttered.
Carol frowned.
"It's my fault she's dead!" she insisted.
"But that ain't why you're sayin' it, is it?" Daryl retorted with a knowing look.
Carol pursed her lips.
"I took her away from you. I ruined your chance and... “ she said.
Daryl rolled his eyes, unable to help the action.
“What?" she said breaking off her tirade, looking annoyed.
"I told you that it wasn't like that!" Daryl says, feeling frustration building in him. His voice bordered on yelling.
Why the hell was it so hard for her to believe him? Connie had been a good friend and that was all there was to it. He didn’t understand why she kept pushing this shit. It was like she wanted it to be true. Carol sighed.
"But it could have been. I took that chance away."
Daryl sighed, looking away then back at her.
"There weren’t no chance. None at all,” he reiterated. “I meant it. It wasn't like that. She was a friend. That's all. And it sucks that she's gone. But her death was not your fault and my life ain't ruined ‘cause she's dead."
Carol listened intently, looking to be hanging onto his every word. Her eyes were wide and slightly tearful.
"But if you had jumped?” Daryl continued, giving her a meaningful look. He shook his head. “I don't know how I would have gone on. That would have ruined me.”
Carol’s breath caught and a tiny noise escaped her. Daryl closed the distance between them and left only a few inches separating them.
“You’re looking for a reason to stay?” he challenged. “Well, do it for me. ‘Cause I can't lose you. I know you and I know you don't want to hurt me.”
Daryl took a breath, knowing this was it. He needed to say the words.
“So here it is: I love you,” he confessed, staring into her eyes. He saw them widen fractionally and her mouth gaped open. “And you would never take something away from me that I love, would you?" he asked, feeling odd using his feelings as manipulation.
"You… “she sucked in a breath before continuing. “You love me?" her voice was small and hardly more than a whisper.
Daryl nodded without hesitation. He could feel the way his stomach knotted as his anxiety amped up. But there was no turning back now. He had to see this through, no matter what her response was.
"In... In what way?" Carol asked shakily as she continued to stare at him.
Daryl shrugged.
"Hell, in every way,” Daryl told her honestly. “You couldn't understand why not Connie, well there it is. That's why."
As panicked as he was inside, it felt good to finally relieve the burden of his feelings. He had wanted to tell her the same thing in the woods that day when she had interrogated him. It was only his fear that had held the words back. Carol swallowed heavily. Her eyes bored into his.
"And you're not just saying this to keep me from killing myself," she asked.
Daryl blew out a breath before scoffing.
"Of course, I'm saying this to stop you from killing yourself,” he replied. “I never would have said nothing otherwise.”
It’s true. If Lydia hadn’t suggested he do this, he would have kept his feelings to himself for the rest of his life.
“ It's selfish, I know,” he continued, still feeling guilty for using his feelings against her. “But I know you and you'd never hurt me like that, knowing how I feel."
As confident as he sounded, he hoped he was right. He wanted to believe that Carol cared about him that much. That her care for him and his feelings would be enough for her to not want to hurt him that way. Part of him was still unsure.
Carol let out a sob but it seemed like she was laughing a little. He frowned at the sudden change. She moved closer to him, eliminating the tiny distance and placed her hands on his shoulders. She wanted to hug him, Daryl realized. That was fine with him, so he waited to accept it. Hell, with how stressed he had been, he could certainly use one himself. However, instead of the familiar gesture, she leaned her face in close to his. It took him a moment to realize she was trying to kiss him. He pulled away quickly with wide eyes.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"I thought..." Carol trailed off, looking hurt. “You said you loved me.”
Daryl nodded, still reeling from what had almost occurred. The thought of actually kissing her filled him with stereotypical butterflies. But he didn’t want it like this. Not when he knew she was only doing it for his benefit.
"I do, but I don’t need that. I told you I loved you to give you a reason to live. I ain’t never gonna ask for more than that,” he said, trying to make his feelings clear. “I just need you to live. You won’t be doing me no favours by throwing yourself at me when I know you don’t really want it.”
Carol blinked at the tears that had spilled over. She took a step towards him, making him take another back. She frowned at the action.
"But I do,” she said frantically. “Want it, I mean.”
Daryl gave her a sceptical look. She can’t mean that. She was trying to placate him or something. There was no way she could want him. Carol gave him a sad look.
“I love you too,” she told him. She laughed shakily. “Always have."
Daryl searched her face. She looked sincere but Carol was an amazing liar. Still, she had never employed her tricks on him before. He wanted to believe her so badly but part of him still resisted.
"You mean that?" he asked in a small voice, scrutinizing her.
Carol nodded straight away. She took another step towards him and this time, he stayed put. She raised her hand and she placed it on his cheek gently. She lifted her lips a little as she looked at him.
“I do. I love you, Daryl. I swear.”
Daryl stared at her, feeling stumped on how to respond. No one had ever told him they loved him before. The only person he could remember hearing the words from was his Ma when he was a kid. He certainly had never had any girlfriend or anything like that. In this moment, he didn’t feel anything at all like the fifty year old man he was. He felt like he was back to being that awkward as fuck, gangly teenager that used to follow Merle around.
“I don’t know what to do now,” Daryl confessed with shame.
Carol hushed him.
“You don’t have to do anything,” she said comfortingly. “But if you wanted to, you could kiss me,” she invited. There was no teasing in her voice at all.
“Never kissed anyone before,” he told her with a wince. He knew she probably suspected how inexperienced he must be but it was still embarrassing to tell her.
“That’s okay,” she said immediately. She stroked her thumb over his cheekbone. “If you want, I could kiss you?” she offered.
Daryl’s mouth went dry at the thought but he hastily nodded. Carol smiled softly before leaning in. She brought her lips to his and he sighed at how soft hers were. She kissed him softly and chastely, hardly doing anything at all but he was already trembling. She pulled away all too soon and he found himself missing her attentions. Her eyes roamed his face carefully.
“Was that okay?” she asked, brushing some hair back from his face.
Daryl nodded quickly, not knowing if he could talk right now.
“Are you sure?” she continued, looking a little worried. “You’re shaking,” she pointed out.
Daryl gave her a smile to reassure her.
“I’m good. Just… I don’t know. Overwhelmed I guess,” he told her, making his voice work. “Never thought you could feel this way ‘bout me.”
Carol smiled.
“I never thought you could feel like that about me either.”
Daryl could feel the heaviness of all the unspoken feelings and moments over the years creeping up and he didn’t want it to go there yet. He wanted to keep this light feeling. So, he decided to try to make a joke.
“Better late than never, right?” he quipped.
Carol snorted.
“Right,” she agreed before leaning in for another kiss. He accepted it happily.
There would be more to talk about, he knew, but for now, everything felt like it was falling into place.
He needed to figure out a way to thank Lydia for her advice.