Chapter Text
Mafuyu to Ritsuka
0127 - Got home safe.
0128 - Maybe I can stay over next time?
0128 – I could do it when things make a little more sense. When things are better... When we’re better, alright?
Heart clenching at the words that were scattered across his phone, dejection settling along his shoulders like a hundred-pound weight, Ritsuka tries not to take the text personally. Pushing down feelings of loneliness and the type of insecurity that makes him feel as if he is as small as a mouse, Ritsuka rubs his blisters until a spark of pain provides him with relief, tension slowly dissipating from his body.
His fingers eventually type:
0132 - I’d like that.
0132 - Sleep well and have a good night.
.
.
.
0133 – I love you, please don’t forget that.
XXX
"What did your boyfriend think?"
His eyes were red and puffy from the all the crying the night before, but with a few splashes of water he was at least able to remove the red splotches from his cheeks. The coldness of the water revitalized him enough to feel more secure and sure of himself. However, it did nothing to stop the exhaustion lining his bones and making him feel more like a walking corpse than a person.
The fight had been brutal, and as much as sharing his pain had given him a little bit of relief, the agony of it still gripped his heart. Mafuyu's memories of Yuuki had given him a greater understanding and appreciation of the battle that Mafuyu was facing. Still, it was just a band-aid to a larger problem that Ritsuka didn't know how to fix.
Ritsuka's insecurity and pain wasn't something that had appeared suddenly, it had slowly built up over weeks—no months, before finally surfacing last night. A single cry wasn't going to make him feel better, it only made him more tired.
Ritsuka was lucky that Mafuyu had possessed just enough energy to drag the two of them home while ensuring that they didn't make any other mistakes. If Mafuyu hadn't been of a sound mind and had instead agreed to stay the night as Ritsuka had tiredly suggested, things would have ended up much worse.
Even now, Ritsuka's ears threaten to turn pink as he quietly remembers the whine that had escaped his lips when he had asked the younger male to lie in bed with him. In response, Mafuyu had simply given him a small, sorrowful smile before placing a light kiss to his forehead; Mafuyu promising him that they would hang out soon. Offering a hurried excuse about catching the last train home, Mafuyu excused himself.
In his head, he knew that it wasn't a good idea for them to spend the night together. While, in his heart, he had wished for the other to slip under the covers and hug him so tight that he’d never be able to forget the other’s warmth in that moment. However, seeing debilitation and shattered nerves settle across Mafuyu’s form and tired gaze, it was apparent to Ritsuka that Mafuyu’s stance wouldn’t budge.
Mafuyu needed some space, so Ritsuka decided to push his pitiable panic and desperation for touch away to allow Mafuyu the time he needed to think and regroup.
Ritsuka had literally thrown a grenade at him and the force of the blast had almost caused their fragile bond to break into shrapnel-like pieces. Sharp, jagged, and painful enough to leave deep scars on the both of them, the two were lucky enough to come away with cuts and bruises. Mafuyu was the trigger for Ritsuka pulling the pin off the grenade, while Ritsuka’s feelings of inadequacy had been the gun powder.
Ritsuka had no intention to hurt Mafuyu with his brokenness, but the lack of care had caused something to splinter within him. Reparations would require time and effort, and as much as Mafuyu had been able to share Yuuki with him last night, the conversation wasn't enough to fix their issues.
The two of them were far from okay, so sleeping together was definitely not a good idea. Especially since Mafuyu…
I’ve been hurting you for weeks now.
Discovering that Mafuyu had willingly hurt him multiple times during their relationship was an utterly unbearable concept. It's agonizing because Ritsuka would have done anything to make Mafuyu happy, and even now, Ritsuka wants to forgive him.
However, for them to be okay, Mafuyu will need to give him the same courtesy that Ritsuka has given him.
While Ritsuka?
Ritsuka would need to love himself and stop comparing himself to someone dead. Otherwise, his fingers wouldn’t be able to last. If he spiraled again... Ritsuka didn't want to think of the consequences.
Mafuyu. Music. Love. Passion...
These concepts had started to intertwine and tangle themselves together, and Ritsuka doesn't know how to stop it.
It’s a scary and painful thing to realize, and when Mafuyu smiles at him as if he is worth the world, Ritsuka finds that he doesn’t care if he can’t go back to the way things were.
He doesn’t care that he cannot return to a time—to a time before Mafuyu.
With a heavy sigh, Ritsuka begrudgingly turns his attention back to Yayoi, while his sister gives him a cautious yet caring look as she waits for his answer.
However, unable to develop a response that would satisfy himself, let alone his sister, Ritsuka decides to give her a small shrug of his shoulders instead. “I don’t know…He thought I had played well… He just didn’t like—He didn’t like seeing me play that way… He was more upset about other things… Not exactly upset at me, more upset at himself and the situation, y’know?”
Thinking back to Mafuyu’s words last night, Ritsuka reeling from all of the things that had been left unsaid. Ritsuka can't help but think back to every interaction that the two of them have had to make him think he should be more like Yuuki and less like himself.
Mafuyu had been distant.
Mafuyu had avoided him.
While Ritsuka has never been able to ask his boyfriend about his ex, the guitarist too afraid to cause his boyfriend any unnecessary pain, Ritsuka couldn’t help but yearn for Mafuyu to see him as his own person. While Mafuyu had been able to see that last night, one night wasn't going to be enough.
The two had been dating for months now, and Ritsuka had lost himself in the process of becoming someone that he was not. Not only did he have to be continually understanding and aware of Mafuyu's pain, but it wasn't long before he had found himself doing that for Hiiragi and Shizusumi as well.
It was tiring to hold himself to those standards, and Ritsuka was just hurting himself in the process in his quest to obtain love and acknowledgment.
For Ritsuka to truly heal, Mafuyu needs to cherish him a little more. Ritsuka's not asking for much either; he just wants Mafuyu to love him as much as he loves him. But he also wants Mafuyu to be honest and tell him what he had thought about his playing last night.
Music is a large part of his life, and in some masochistic way, Ritsuka needed Mafuyu to tell him that he had done an excellent job. Once that happened, he needed Mafuyu to ask him to stick to his original style and stay with Given.
He wanted Mafuyu to tell him that he was never allowed to leave because Given didn't want anyone else.
Playing with Hiiragi and Shizusumi had been entertaining and fun, but Ritsuka felt as if he didn’t shine as bright. Ritsuka dazzled when he was with Given, but he truly sparkled like a diamond when he played along with Mafuyu.
Ritsuka wanted Mafuyu to acknowledge what they had… What the two of them would always have due to Mafuyu finally giving the two of them a chance.
The conversation about Yuuki might have been a big step for their relationship, but it didn't stop Ritsuka from feeling unsure about other things... Mostly about himself.
“I’m… I’m supposed to meet him later… I can get a better answer then… He should be able to tell me what he thinks? Right?”
While Yayoi, unable to stop herself from wondering how her brother had gotten involved with someone like Mafuyu, couldn’t stop herself from quietly reaching over to squeeze her brother’s shoulder, “Is him not wanting you to play like Yuuki, not an answer?”
Brows furrowing, mind rehashing what Mafuyu had told him last night, Ritsuka couldn't help but softly voice, “Is it?”
Only for Yayoi to reply, “Do you want it to be?”
Yes, more than anything.
XXX
Ever since that night, Mafuyu couldn’t get Yuuki’s—no, Ritsuka’s composition out of his head. The sound of the guitar had been smooth, yet it was with sorrowful yearning. It was quite sad, and Mafuyu couldn’t help but wonder how the other teen could have ever replicated such a sound.
Usually, Ritsuka’s sound was passionate and lively, and when Ritsuka was in the mood, it was even playful at times. Ritsuka’s usual style wasn’t one that spoke of loneliness and pain: it spoke of love and youthful exuberance.
Yet, Ritsuka, during that song, he had been anything but lively.
The set had destroyed Ritsuka, and with every song that had led up to the group’s encore, Ritsuka’s progressively looked worse. Even the weeks leading up to the concert had shown that as well, because as much as Ritsuka was a fantastic guitarist, Mafuyu missed Ritsuka’s sound.
Thinking back to every practice session Given has had, Mafuyu can’t recall when Ritsuka started to sound off… Unlike himself.
Mafuyu remembers the band-aids, though. Then there were the bandages that had occasionally became tinged with red, and finally, the super glue. However, he can't remember when Ritsuka had begun to play like someone else...
The lack of knowledge makes him feel worse because Mafuyu played a massive part in Ritsuka hurting himself. He had been too caught up in thinking about Yuuki and the group’s future to give Ritsuka a clear, concrete answer. He had avoided Ritsuka, hoping that he could go forever without answering, making him feel guilty.
Ritsuka had asked him to debut, and Mafuyu didn’t know how to answer.
Even now, the answer eludes him. Except, it’s not that he doesn’t have an answer. It’s just that he doesn’t want to answer.
He’s afraid to answer.
If he says yes, then what happens if he doesn’t have the passion for meeting his groupmates’ expectations?
What happens if he doesn’t have the drive that Given needs for all of them to be successful?
What happens when the group doesn’t do well?
Mafuyu doesn’t know, but what Mafuyu does know is that he loves music.
Ritsuka made him realize that, and while he’s only been playing for a couple of months now, Mafuyu doesn’t know if music fits into his life as it does everyone else.
He wants… He wants… He doesn’t know what he wants.
He wants to have fun with his friends.
He wants to write and play music.
He wants to kiss his boyfriend… To do more than that, especially if Ritsuka will let him...
He really, really, really wants to show Ritsuka how much he loves him.
However, he doesn’t know if a record deal and a chance to debut will give him what he wants.
He’s not like Ritsuka, who dreams of playing music to large crowds one day, or Kaji and Haruki, who have even gone to school for music. He’s not like any of them…
Still, he has somehow fallen in love with music in a way that he has never fallen for anything before. It’s exciting and fun and Ritsuka’s been there every step of the way… He doesn’t want to lose what he has with Ritsuka and Given.
Even watching Ritsuka play support for his friends was hard, because on some level, he only wanted Ritsuka to play with him. Hiiragi and Shizusumi are great musicians, but Ritsuka is special and bewildering in his talent.
Ritsuka makes his heart race.
He’s Given’s guitarist, not SYH’s.
Is this feeling of envy enough for him to debut, though? Is it significant enough to debut with Ritsuka? Who up to this point has been able to wow and amaze people with his talent?
Ritsuka’s passion awoke something within him. While Ritsuka’s patience and willingness to teach him the guitar had given him something that Mafuyu had never really had. Ritsuka had given him a voice, and when he wasn't insecure, the other boy had also given him a place where he had felt wanted.
Ritsuka had cultivated a sense of belonging between the two and their band, and Mafuyu didn't know if he could live without that.
Given was literally a lifeline to him.
Ritsuka had given him something that Yuuki had never been able to provide him with, and it was all because the two were different people.
It didn’t matter if Ritsuka and Yuuki had wanted similar goals and interests. Yuuki didn’t ask him to join his band as Ritsuka had done. Yuuki didn't take the time to teach him how to play the guitar while Ritsuka continued to do so. Yuuki didn’t sacrifice his style to understand the person that Mafuyu used to love, never mind have his heart still yearn for at times. Yuuki did his own thing with the expectation that Mafuyu would follow...
And lovesick Mafuyu would have followed him anywhere.
Before the concert, Mafuyu had been unable to navigate his thoughts and feelings, too wounded to say anything sensible. Especially since the last time he had tried to talk about Yuuki, Mafuyu couldn’t stop himself from noticing how similar his boyfriend’s clock had been to Yuuki’s. Words coming out all wrong and tears falling from his eyes, Mafuyu had been slightly terrified at the thought of scaring Ritsuka off.
The thought of Too much, this must be too much, how can he be here? This must be too much. had ran through his head, but instead of Ritsuka leaving him or being scared, Ritsuka had stayed.
The clock hadn’t been anything special, and yet, Mafuyu could clearly see it in his mind: Yuuki’s clock, Yuuki’s room, Yuuki…
Mafuyu had been blinded, while Ritsuka could only comfort him to the best of his ability.
Ritsuka had asked him to share his tears, to let him be there to hold him whenever he would need to cry, and yet, Mafuyu hadn’t been able to do any of that.
At that time, Mafuyu couldn’t bring himself to talk about Yuuki, and Ritsuka, unable to hurt him, had refrained from asking about the other boy.
However, the feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and fear, had started to fester, and now, Mafuyu couldn’t run from them anymore. Not if he didn’t want to hurt Ritsuka worse, that is… Especially since he’s already hurt him too many times at that.
Mind focusing on the aspects of their relationship that he loved, the chance for Given to debut, and the horrid sight of Ritsuka crying the night before, Mafuyu quietly found himself wondering about all of the things that Ritsuka had confessed to him last night:
“At first, I didn’t want to do it, but then I listened to Yuuki’s song and I couldn’t get it out of my head… I couldn’t get the idea of him out of my head…Yuuki loved you and you loved him and I thought by getting close to Yuuki, I would be able to get closer to you.
I wanted you to look at me—to see only me, but you don’t… At least, not all the time… And maybe, if I could play like him, make you think that I’m similar enough to him, then maybe you’d be able to look at me…
Maybe, you’d never be able to look away.
Maybe, you’d never want to look away, because then, I’d be more than enough.
I want to be more than enough… I want that more than anything.”
“Damn it! Ritsuka, you already are… You already are… Fuck, why didn’t I make you see that? Why did it take me until yesterday to start doing something about it?”
Ritsuka had given him a chance, had placed his trust in him, and Ritsuka deserved an answer… He deserved an answer for everything.
“Do you want to be in Given?”
Yes, more than anything.
“Do you want to debut?”
Yes, a thousand times yes.
“Do you love Ritsuka?
I do… I really, really do…