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Despite the grimness and hopelessness - most likely because of it, really - Hange felt a smile pull at their lips. Yes, a smile. So ridiculous, really. Probably innapropriate, but most certainly ridiculous. And because Hange knew how ridiculous it was, it turned into a chuckle, ineffectively muffled, and from there to an awkward cough.
"What?"
Hange turned around, grimacing already in shame. "Oh! Levi, sorry, sorry, did I wake you?"
"I wasn't sleeping."
"You should, you know. You really need to-"
"Why were you laughing?"
Hange tried to hide it, with just as good results as before. "Laughing? Why'd I be laughing in a moment like this? Nah, I was coughi-"
"What is it?"
Here they were, at nighttime in the wild, the Commander of the Survey Corps feeling utterly lost and hopeless and Humanity's Strongest barely kicked out from death's door, hunted down by some of their own former comrades and with an idiot brat wanting to go full genocidial mode, and Hange had been laughing because of goggles. Yeah, definitely not an improviment from that earlier wish of hiding and living under a rock.
"It's stupid, really. And definitely too soon."
Hange couldn't really see Levi's face thanks to the bandages, and the shaky warm light of the campfire shone more shadows than actual brightness over him. Still, the intensity of the command that emanated from him, wounded or not, was clear enough.
"I don't think you'll be recovering that eye." See? Inappropriate. It had been four years since Hange's own injury had happened, but Levi had literally just sustained his. He had sustained a lot. "I... I was just thinking."
"We're a match now. We only have one eye each."
Hange perked up, surprised Levi could follow such a silly thought so fast. The giggle that came out now was considerably less strained, although it wasn't as jolly as before. It probably would never be again, would it? "Aah, well, yeah that's kinda... we kinda are! And that was actually what..." Well, here goes. "No one calls me Four Eyes, you know. Except you."
"You'll always be Four Eyes."
"Uh, technically, I'm one eye short, so... but yeah. But, if you were to wear glasses too..."
"I still see just fine from this eye."
"But you're getting old! We all are!" A distant, remote part of Hange was actually surprised and aware of the fact of how sillily excited this exchange was actually making them feel. "You'll be wearing glasses in no time, you know. It's neat! And that's when I thought... we are a match. We both have only one eye, and together, well, we could kinda cancel each other's blindness, couldn't we? Complement. So if I crafted these huge goggles with like a strap that'd clamp our heads together side by side, I'd turn us into this two-headed, actual four-eyed and blind-cancelled badass, the Survey Corps finest!"
The excitement had made Hange visually describe the words with big dramatic waves of their arms. Hange felt that cough-laugh bubble up again.
"Then I got to the fact that you're considerably shorter than me, so clamping our heads together with one single pair of goggles would just make us flopsided and weird or you'd just be hanging with your feet dangling in the air, and that's why I laughed."
Ýeah. That was it.
The campfire cracked pleasingly. Some crickets joined the quietness just for the dramatics. Hange dropped down a bit, that weird and inappropriate upwards line on their lips tensing, flattening.
"Sorry. I'm stressed out. I'm really stressed out. I guess my brain isn't really handling things too well."
Then Hange heard a strained snort, like a two-timed scoff (well, scoffs are an effective way to mask chuckles too).
"You're such an idiot, Hange."
That sounded actually nice. Hange followed the example and scoffed as an alternative way to chuckling. "I know. Ah, I know. I really am."
The line on their lips sunk.
I really am.
Why the hell did Erwin name me Commander. Me, of all people. Look at all the mess I let happen.
"You should sleep."
"You should really sleep," Hange echoed Levi's words immediately. "I'll try to be quiet a-"
"Don't. If you're too quiet I'll think I've died."
Hange gave another chuckle, a more heartfelt one now. "Well, you wouldn't be thinking if you were dead, Levi, so that should already be a sign, right?"
"I'm turning senile before I turn blind, is that what you mean?"
"Your words, not mine."
Getting old had never seemed so appealing as it did right now. The knowledge they'd gather. The things they'd see, and the things they'd build. There was just so much stuff to do. Adding years and years of experience to be passed down to others. How awesome was that? It couldn't all just end. The world had become so big - it'd always been so big, but they only now had been able to see it. It couldn't just be destroyed, flattened out of existence. It couldn't. A cycle of violence would never end with more violence. It wouldn't.
But so many had already died. If there was one thing the Survey Corps had always known was death. Things just ending, in one second, despite all the knowledge that should've been gathered and all the things that should've been seen and built, all the dreams that should've been accomplished. Nor Hange, nor Levi, nor Erwin, nor anyone else had found a way to stop those deaths, and instead they just piled up bodies. Instead, Erwin had been killed with a hundred soldiers, Levi had been nearly killed, Hange had just killed people that were their comrades. It didn't change. Their numbers kept decreasing drastically and chaotically. And now Eren was set to kill the entire world to keep a decreasing percentage of it safe. It didn't change.
It was so exhausting. It all seemed so hopeless.
Hange sighed. It sounded painfully closer to defeat than before.
"Why is being alive so hard...?" A rethorical question, literally, as there was no one to reply it. Hange peeked up to see Levi had dozed off. Good. If there was one thing that could help him now was sleeping. Still, out of stress or fear or just idleness, Hange stood and walked up to him to make sure he was still breathing. Upon confirming his chest was rising and falling slowly, Hange sighed again, tired but relieved. Afraid to startle him awake if they moved him somehow, Hange just tucked the covers closer to his chin to keep him warm. He didn't jolt up awake, thankfully, and just kept breathing - a monumental task in and on itself.
It's not like a regular person would even be alive anymore. Hange had seen enough of his wounds to be certain he was only alive due to that mysterious Ackerman heritage (just another mystery, another exciting thing to study, if only they had more time), but he needed time to recover. He needed the only thing none of them had left.
But he was still alive. So he needed to keep fighting. That's why it was so tiresome - they had to keep fighting. They had to, because things couldn't just end. Not for everyone, at least. Those who did remain had to carry the weight of those who didn't, those who fought until the end and still died. Like the Survey Corps had always done.
It didn't change.
"It must be lonely to do that alone though," Hange said under their breath. It's not like anyone was listening. "Don't die, alright?"
Levi didn't answer, and Hange wasn't sure if that thing they felt was relief for him staying asleep, or for the fact he couldn't answer with a lie. Hange's eyelids were getting heavy all of a sudden, as if everything of was catching up and every last bit of adrenaline and energy had finally burned out. They couldn't both fall asleep, someone needed to stand watch, but Hange was only human too. Wrapping their cape instinctively to not freeze to death, Hange slid to the ground next to Levi, barely having time to worry about anything else before exhaustion finally took over.
.
the end
.