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It was around 3 in the morning when Kate woke up. Her husband was still asleep and had his arm around her as usual. She smiled. But deep down she could feel that ball of anxiety in her stomach. She hated it when it happened, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep just yet.
Rick had had a hard day, and she didn’t want to bother him with it, even though she knew he was being incredibly understanding and gentle with her every time she felt like this.
She slowly lifted his arm and slid down the bed quietly.
Her whole body shivered when her bare feet met the cold floor. It took her a second to get used to the change in the temperature. She grabbed one of Castle’s shirts, hoping it would help her with the cold. She quietly went by the window to look outside. Christmas was two weeks away, and Rick and their three kids Jake, Reece and Lily had been longing for the first snow of winter. Except that this year, it still hadn’t happened. Until now. She lifted the curtain and saw hundreds of snowflakes falling, covering the streets of New York with a thin layer of snow. It would probably be enough for the kids to play outside and stage a huge snowball fight. She softly smiled. The city was quiet, asleep. The streets were empty and the snow had this soundproofing effect that was incredible. The only things she could hear were the sound of Castle’s breathing and her heart pounding in her chest because of her anxiety. But except for that, it was calm, and she knew the calm would help her feel better.
She then left her bedroom, trying not to wake up her husband. She entered the twin’s room. They were both completely asleep. They were now almost one year old, which Kate was finding hard to believe, time moved so fast it was hard to follow. Sometimes she was scared that they’d grow up too fast. She wanted to enjoy it for as long as she could.
Then she looked down and saw that Lily was sound asleep between her brothers’ beds. She started smiling so hard that her face started hurting. Her daughter had taken a small mattress from her room with her pillow and blanket. She would do that sometimes, when her brothers were scared or when she was scared (even though she would never admit it), she would sleep next to them. She was their big sister and the day of their birth, she had solemnly swore in front of her parents in the cutest way that she’d always protect these two little boys, and she had taken that promise incredibly seriously.
Jake had his mouth half-open and his pacifier had fallen next to his head while Reece was sucking on his thumb. Lily was holding onto her stuffed elephant. Kate had given it to her when she was born. It used to be hers, she had called it Max, and Lily would take it everywhere with her.
Kate stayed like that, just standing in the doorway, looking at her beautiful children with a hand on her chest. A tear started rolling down her cheek. She wasn’t sad, she was just overwhelmed by the love she felt for the twins and for Lily. She wished she could protect them from the outside world, she would give everything for them to stay this innocent and pure for the rest of their lives.
She loved her life. She loved everything about it, and she wouldn’t change a thing. She truly believed that everything happened for a reason.
At that exact moment, Kate wished she could talk to her 23 years old self. She used to feel so lost, and had almost given up hope. She was struggling, and felt like she had no future, her heart was filled with grief, so much sadness even if it had been 4 years, that she felt like she didn’t have room for anything else. She felt like she didn’t even deserve to have a future. Bad things kept happening, and she felt like it would never stop.
She wished she could talk to that person, so that she could tell her that nothing is permanent, that even if everything is dark, the sun will rise again, and that one day things would be alright again. She wanted to remind her that “even on the worst days there's a possibility for joy”, that that saying was indeed true, and that she had to remember this.
She could never have imagined she’d have the life she has now. A husband that is incredibly sweet and handsome, a job she loves and three wonderful children.
If she could talk to that 23 years old, she would just tell her these two words that she was so desperate to hear “hold on”. That’s it.
She was now mature enough to realize that everything was temporary, and that’s why she’d cherish every single moment she would spend with the people she loved, her wonderful friends and her family. Her children were going to grow up, her life was going to keep changing, and she was finally okay with it.
She dried her tears, and without even realizing, she started singing a lullaby her mother used to sing her every time she felt anxious.
“But I look at you, warm in your dream while your mobile dances above. And I think to myself it’s a beautiful night and I know everything is gonna be alright. Yes now I know, I’ll be alright”.
She slowly closed the door, and went back to her room. Rick was half-awake, waiting for his wife to come back to sleep.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Kate snuggled up against him and whispered “I am now”. And she was. The anxiety was gone and she was going to be able to sleep again.
Castle smiled and wrapped his arms around her before closing his eyes.