Archive of Our Own

1

From afar, my niece’s loud, lively and shrill voice sounds through my dream and quite unceremoniously, she tears me back to reality, a cheery “Happy Birthday, Uncle Jensen” on her lips. Tiredly, I open my sleep-crusted eyes and even before they can adjust to the dim sunlight that is shimmering through the closed red curtains, I’m attacked by the whirlwind Sarah is, with her skinny arms wrapping around me and clutching at me.

Still groggy, I hug her back, whispering a gentle, “Thanks, sweetie” into her ear, her reply a giggle as my stubbled cheek scratches over her soft skin. Yet she cuddles closer and doesn’t want to let go.

Warmth runs through my body at this simple sign of affection and makes me smile against her honey scented golden hair. Being loved and giving love in return is what I’ve longed for in the past years the most, and this little girl is what gives it to me; I couldn’t have loved Sarah more if she would have been mine.

For a while, I hold on to her but when I hear my sister yelling from below announcing that breakfast is ready, it’s time to let her go. “Now Princess, let your old uncle get ready, okay?”

“Old?" She cries, her voice a bit too high this early in the morning. "You can’t be that old, Jensen. 38?”

“Thanks for the compliment." I laugh, wondering if she is just charming or really doesn’t know how old I am today. "Would love to be that young again," I admit dreamily because three years ago everything was better and brighter than nowadays. "I’m 41 today, hon."

“Really?" She widens her eyes in surprise. "You don’t look much older than... 38.” Sarah smirks cheekily and her eyes that look so much like my own are sparkling with mischief.

“Thanks, sweetie.” I plant a big wet kiss on her cheek. “Now, hurry up and tell your mom that I’ll be downstairs as soon as possible."

She is half out of the room when she turns back and asks, quite seriously, “Do you need help, Jensen? I could go get Mom.”

The smile on my lips freezes but good actor as I still am, I don’t show how much her comment bothers me. I know that she means well. “Nah honey, I can cope on my own. Now go.”

Nodding, she leaves the room and closes the room silently.

Thanks Sarah, for reminding me once more that I’m a helpless cripple nowadays. Not that I can ever forget. The numbness in my legs, the fact that I haven’t been able to move them since the silly accident two years ago, reminds me all the time. Besides, the accident cost me so much more than the ability to walk. It cost me my belief in friendship and in love, my self-confidence and a huge part of my happiness. It was but one calamitous step, one second of negligence, precipitating me into a lifetime of darkness and self-loathing.

I try to handle it, but fact is, I’m not doing very well. No matter how much love and support I receive, from my family or my remaining friends, every day is a fight. Some are better, most are worse. Yet, hardly no one knows how I really feel because I act like I am alright. Pretending to be someone else is a talent that comes in handy now, that spares me from pitying or even scolding glances or words of sympathy.

Luckily, the accident not only brought grief. It brought David, who became not only my best friend but also Mackenzie’s husband. David, who shares my fate and made it more bearable, giving me comfort when no one else could, and understanding what no one else tried to understand.

The realization that even out of the worst occurrences something good can be born, charms a little smile on my lips and gives me strength to start the day.

Deftly, I heave myself out of the bed and into the wheelchair before collecting the clothes I put out the night before. There’s an en suite bathroom, equipped for the needs of paraplegics, like many of David’s friends are, and thankfully, I can handle everything on my own there. It gives me the independence I need, the feeling that I’m not completely helpless after all and it’s the reason why I like being with at my sister’s place, why I stay so much longer here than at Jason’s or Steve’s.

***

Half an hour and a hot-cold shower later I enter my sister’s kitchen. The little table is laden with delicacies, a gigantic birthday cake in its middle. Mackenzie turns her head away from her work, flashing me a broad, bright smile before she hurries over to my side. She hugs me long and tight, whispering "Happy Birthday" into my ear. It feels good and safe to be wrapped in her arms. It’s funny how the roles are reversed now; when she was a kid, it was me, her big brother, who took good care of her, wiped her tears away and protected her from all evil things. Now, it’s Mackenzie who gives me her ear and her support, who’s simply there for me. No matter how bad it is or how downhearted I am, with my sister, I don’t have to hide my feelings.

It doesn’t matter that she’s here in Boston while I’m down in Dallas and that we only see each other a handful of times a year; she’s always there. Ever since I woke up in the hospital, feeling nothing below my hips, Mackenzie has been great. Other than most, she still treats me like before the accident, like the big brother she always adored and admired. She doesn’t walk around me on eggshells, laughs and banters with me like before and when she looks at me, there’s no pity in her eyes, but warmth and love. Contrary to most, Mackenzie still sees me. Not the wheelchair or the man who can’t walk anymore and is restricted in so many ways.

Kissing my cheek, Mackenzie pulls away and pushes me over to the table. While pouring me a cup of delicious smelling coffee, she starts to explain what she’s planning for the day; a visit to the zoo - which is more interesting for Sarah, who is allowed to ditch school today - dinner at a top restaurant and a movie afterwards.

Her zeal is catching and I find myself looking forward to the day out, to seeing something other than Mackenzie’s backyard or the community center David and I go to for meetings with other paraplegics occasionally.

***

The weather is unusually mild for early March and the sun is shining on my face while my sister pushes my wheelchair over the graveled paths. As always Sarah is full of energy, running to and fro, looking at every animal long and intensely and reading every single information plate, curious and interested as she is in almost everything. There is not one animal we miss, and after a while my head is buzzing with names and new information and the voices and calls of countless kids, some of them staring at me as if I was one of the animals behind the bars. I’m used to it now, know that it happens to everyone who has a visible handicap and for a change, I’m not even bothered with it. Mackenzie and Sarah are with me, and it’s my birthday and they’re both great, buying me cake and ice-cream at the zoo restaurant and a huge, stuffed hippo from the souvenir shop and my fingers can’t stop stroking the soft brown fur.

We leave the zoo in the afternoon and as there are a few hours to kill until we meet David at the restaurant, Mackenzie drives over to the closest mall. Shopping with a woman and a little girl isn’t exactly relaxing but it’s fun; to see the joy in their eyes while they’re looking at purses, shoes, dresses and toys and the shimmer of gratefulness coupled with a hug or a kiss on my cheek when I whip out my credit card to pay. I have more money than I can ever spend and although Mackenzie and David aren’t exactly poor, with him having a good income as a lawyer, spoiling my sister and niece is a way to say thanks for having me and making my life a little better and easier.

The restaurant is one of the hot spots in Boston and it is crowded when we enter it, buzzing with voices, the air carrying a hint of herbs and meat. We are halfway through the salad when Sarah comes back from the restrooms, looking weird. She bites her lower lip and runs her hand through her long blonde hair, signs that there is something she wants to spit out but not sure whether she really should.

“Sweetie, is everything alright?"

Blushing a little she shrugs while playing with the napkin and avoiding eye contact.

"What’s wrong, hon?" I ask again and a bad feeling grows inside my belly.

She grimaces. “Please don’t be mad at me, Jensen.”

I look at her with curiosity, wondering what could be so bad that she fears that I might be mad at her, something I never was. "Of course I won’t, honey. So, just tell me what happened."

“Well, there’s this guy," Sarah whispers, still avoiding eye contact, “sitting at a table near the restrooms and he looks like," now her voice shifts into an even softer, quieter tone, “he who must not be named.”

Mackenzie draws in her breath but I just look at my niece with incomprehension, wondering who the hell the girl is talking about. “Honey, the only person I know who is called “he who must not be named” is Lord Voldemort. He’s a fictional character, sweetie and I’m quite sure he’s not sitting in this restaurant in Boston.” I can’t repress a little smirk though I’m not even surprised. Sarah reads a lot and has a huge imagination.

Scrunching her face, she throws a scolding look at me for ever thinking something like that of her. “Nah, I don’t mean him. I mean-”

“Sarah Louise," Mackenzie interrupts her daughter, looking at the girl sternly. “Stop it. Not today. Not now.”

“But," she objects, looking in confusion from her mom to me, and back again, not sure what she should do.

I look at my sister questioningly, feeling utterly confused. “Mac, what’s going on? Whoever Sarah thought she saw, why shouldn’t she tell me?”

Shaking her head, my sister sighs and for a while, she doesn’t say anything, is just looking at me as if she is reading my face, as if she is wondering whether she can tell me the truth, whether I’m strong enough to take it. “Right Jensen. If you want to know. Darling," she turns her head towards Sarah, “Who do you think you saw over there?”

Sarah looks even more insecure than before, maybe wondering if she really should tell me, maybe wondering if she was mistaken from the beginning and just took some stranger for someone else. Then though, she spits it out. “Well, this guy… he looks like Jared.”

Now it is me who draws in his breath and for one moment, time is standing still and it feels like my heart stops beating as I’m overrun with memories of the last time I saw the man who used to be my best friend.

Then I’m back in the present, on my birthday in a restaurant, feeling Mackenzie’s hand on my hand. “Oh," I stutter, still too overwhelmed with the idea that Jared could be in this very room and not really sure what I should do if this guy really turns out to be my old friend. “That can’t be, can it? I’m sure he just looks like him," I deny, forcing my voice to sound calm and neutral, while inside I’m screaming and hoping that it isn’t Jared. Gosh, I think, please don’t let it be Jared. Don’t let him see me like this. But there is also another voice in my head, the voice that comes from the small place of my heart that is still Jared shaped, that misses him and that hasn’t stopped thinking of him for eight long years. This part hopes it’s him, just so that I can catch a glimpse of him, of the real Jared and not the Hollywood on-screen version. “Show me, Sarah," I prompt her quietly, "without pointing, huh?”

With a hushed voice, Sarah explains where she saw the man who looks so much like Jared and once she is done, I lean a little to the right, just enough to see the table she described. It’s smaller than our own and two guys are sitting there. A smaller man wearing glasses, who faces me and a really tall guy, who shows me nothing but a broad, muscled back hidden by a black jacket and a mane of brown hair. It really looks like Jared from behind, but I’m not sure; after all it could be any other tall guy with brown hair. It has been eight years since I’ve seen the original and over a year since I watched any movie or interviews with Jared; who knows how much the man has changed since. So much can happen in only a day, let alone in a year.

My family is looking at me expectantly as I lean back into my wheelchair, but I just shrug and take a generous sip of my red wine before I answer their unspoken questions. "Don’t know. Might be him. Quite probably, it’s someone else. Doesn’t matter anyways," I lie and I hope it sounds convincing. "Jared’s the past."

Mackenzie looks at me as if she doesn’t buy it, but thankfully then the main course is served and for a while, we’re all too busy with enjoying the fantastic food. Yet, once in a while, I shift a little, just enough to catch a glimpse of the table in the distance, wondering if the guy is Jared or not.

Exactly in the moment I take another look at the man’s back, he gets up and I finally catch a look at his profile. At a long, broad nose, a hazel eye, a broad dimple and moles I once knew so well. For the second time today, my heart skips a beat before it thrums excitedly against my ribcage while a mixture of nausea and excitement washes over me. Because this man can only be Jared.

“God… it’s him," I breathe out with a shaking voice and only now do I notice that my fingers are shaking, too.

“Jensen… should I take you home?" Mackenzie asks, her face full of concern. "I’m sure, if he comes back, he’ll see you -"

Too occupied with thinking about the possibility of meeting Jared again, I don’t even catch what else Mackenzie is saying. It is all consuming, the memories, the images, of our friendship, our bond, the way it ended and what we are now. Me, only a shadow of my former self, being bound to a wheelchair and him, one of the big names in Hollywood. Yet, in spite of everything that has been and that is now, it’s Jared and I don’t want him to see me like this. I want him to keep the memory of how I used to be, full of life and laughter, not of the man I’m now: self-conscious about my disability, full of loath and doubts, simply broken, like my back is.

“Take me home, Mac," I ask her quietly. "I don’t... I can’t..." I can’t put it into words and I don’t have to because my sister understands, gets up and instructs her husband to stay to pay the tab.

"Okay, lets go home," she says while quickly slipping into her winter coat.

The moment she turns on her heel though, ready to move around the table, Jared comes back from the bathroom. Trying to hide, I lower my head but as I do so, I know it’s too late, with our eyes meeting for a moment. Jared stops right in his movement, and as I look up I see him staring at me and looking as flabbergasted as I did just minutes ago.

Our eyes connect and in his posture and the way he looks it’s clear that Jared is struggling to make his decision between the two choices he has. Ignore me, and the fact that we once were more than just co-stars but best friends, even soul mates? Or approach me, talk to me and rip open the wounds that have so slowly been healing?

A little smile flits over his face before Jared heads to his table. Slowly, I release a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding, both relieved and disappointed. Before the latter can prevail, I try to convince myself it’s for my own good, that talking to Jared would only lead to a huge awkwardness especially when he notices what I am nowadays.

"Jensen?" Mackenzie looks at me, awaiting instruction of what to do but even before I can tell my sister to take me out of here anyways, Jared looks over his shoulder, right at our table and walks over to where we are sitting.

My heartbeat quickens again and even though I don’t want to, I can’t keep my eyes off my old friend, noticing how wavy his hair is, how tanned his skin is - even now in winter, and how muscled though lean his body still is.

Then he’s there, facing Mackenzie who’s looking at him sternly with her arms crossed in front of her chest, hiding Jared’s view from me a little. He looks neutral, with a hint of a smile on his lips, as he looks at the woman who was his friend once, at the girl he only knew as a baby and at the man who’s new in the family. Then he sees the wheelchair and no matter how well trained Jared is, with getting in touch with handicapped fans once in a while, it happens exactly as it always happens, making my stomach churn. Jared doesn’t look at David’s face, not really. What he really looks at is the wheelchair and his thoughts are so clearly written on his face, questions of what happened to the guy and how the hell Mackenzie and I ended up being friends with him.

With every heartbeat, my hands are getting sweatier and I know, it’s only a matter of time until Jared realizes that David isn’t the only man bound to this damn thing and then he will look at me exactly like he’s looking at David, with the same questions running through his head and a look of pity in those hazel eyes I never wanted to see in there.

“Jensen. Mackenzie.” There’s no familiar shortening of our names, but after such a long time, it doesn’t really surprise me and other than that, Jared sounds friendly, surprised, even a little excited. “Wow, that’s a surprise. What are you doing here in Boston?"

Mackenzie answers for us and I’m really grateful because I doubt I’m able to utter one single sane word. “Hello Jared. Well, I’m living here with David, my husband," she puts her arm on David’s shoulder, “and I’m sure, you can remember Sarah, even though she was just a baby then," Sarah flashes Jared a big, broad smile and I know she’s excited about meeting a real superstar in person, "and Jensen has been visiting us for a while now.”

It would be polite to ask Jared what he is doing in Boston, but my sister doesn’t. She probably hopes that Jared will leave us alone if she is a little gruff and doesn’t show any interest in him. It seems to work because Jared looks uncomfortable in his skin, with shifting his weight from one leg to the other and back again, with his long fingers playing with each other and his brow furrowed.

Despite of the awkward atmosphere, Jared doesn’t leave but moves around Mackenzie to walk over to where I sit. It’s only a moment later when he notices it, when Jared sees that I’m not sitting on a normal chair but in a wheelchair.

He stops abruptly. He stares, taking everything in; me, the man who used to be his closest friend and the monster that enables me to move. He draws in a long, shaky breath and I see so many emotions in his face, too many to mention that it’s unbearable to look at Jared any longer. Instead, I fasten my eyes on the floor. I just can’t look at Jared, don’t want to see the shock and the pity in those hazel eyes I sometimes still dream about.

After what seems like a lifetime I hear him release his breath, a quiet, sad "Oh God" escaping Jared’s throat. It pierces my heart like an arrow and causes weird emotions; upset and sadness, but also something like longing and the hope that Jared could make it a little better, like he did so many times back then when we were best friends and he understood me like no one else did.

“Jen," Jared says quietly. Not just my name. My nickname. The nickname no one has dared to use ever since Jared and I have broken ties. It feels both strange and familiar to be called this after all these years and a shiver is running down my spine, right to the place where I stop feeling everything.

I look up at him, just very quickly, before turning my head again. Has Jared always been so tall? He seems so tall, so fucking gigantic in comparison to me, bound to this damned chair, never able to stand up again for the fucking rest of my life.

The air is thick with tension, with expectation and countless questions and I feel more self-conscious than ever in my life. It’s much worse than the first time my mom saw me sitting in this thing and it was a horrible moment because for one heartbeat I was scared that she wouldn’t accept me the way I am now. I feel naked, exposed and I hope that the ground swallows me and encases me with darkness and spares me from having to look in those kind, hazel eyes and see the shock and all those questions in Jared’s face. Just go away, I whisper into my head, again and again, like a prayer. Leave me alone and forget what you saw, forget that you ever knew me.

But Jared doesn’t.

I hear him come closer and then, I feel warm fingers ghosting over the skin on the back of my hand that is tensely curled around the armrest, up and down, a touch that is weirdly mesmerizing. It causes me to lift my head a little and when I want to look up, all the many inches that part Jared’s and my face, our eyes meet surprisingly fast. Jared squatted down to be the same height as me. He makes me feel like an equal and my chest is getting tighter and tighter until my breathing is ragged.

My sight blurs and I can’t bear to look at Jared any longer. Fuck. Please, no tears. Anytime but now. Not here, in this posh Bostonian restaurant, with my former best friend whom I haven’t seen for almost a decade, on his knees after he has found out that I’m a cripple. Ever since the accident, I’m prone to tears, but I just can’t allow myself to cry now, don’t want Jared to see how fragile and broken I am.

“Jen," Jared says again, his voice soft and warm. Kind and so familiar. It awakens so many memories and I swallow hard, try in vain to hold back the tears.

Jared’s hand is still covering mine. It’s very warm, like I remember it, and the touch, soft like a feather, sends waves of warmth through my arm. Slowly, my hand relaxes a little while my fingers are brushing Jared’s before taking a life of their own and twining with his. It is a very intimate gesture after such a long time and it should feel strange or awkward, but it doesn’t. It feels good. Right. Safe.

With every passing moment, I feel myself calming down a little, Jared’s presence still confusing, but no longer unwelcome. Yet, these uncalled tears are still running over my cheeks and blurring my sight. It’s pathetic, but I just can’t help it, with far too many emotions overpowering me.

“Jen. Look at me," Jared prompts, but it sounds more like an invitation and finally, I hazard a look and let our eyes meet again. Surprisingly, I don’t see pity, at least not in the way I saw it earlier at the zoo, or when Jared was looking at David. I see shock and above all, plenty of questions, and maybe even a hint of hurt? Hope?

I’m not sure, but those eyes captivate me for much longer, evoking even more long forgotten memories and questions and I seem to forget where I am, not hearing anything but my own breathing, not seeing anything other than Jared’s eye area. Only after what seems a long time do I blink and finally can draw my eyes away and suddenly, all the sounds and smells in the restaurant are back and Mackenzie is by my side, with her hand a warm, comforting presence on my back.

“Jared," she says with a neutral but friendly enough voice. “Maybe you should go.”

It’s not that I want my sister to protect me or speak for me, but for once, I don’t disagree. Neither does Jared. Squeezing my hand, he gets up as he whispers a soft “Goodbye Jen." When I look up again, I see Jared leaving, heading back to the table he was having dinner at.

“Take me out of here." My voice sounds weak and scratchy in my own ears but it’s still loud enough for my sister to hear because in an instant, she pushes my wheelchair through the restaurant. I can feel Jared’s eyes following me and although I want to catch a last glance at my old friend, I don’t dare to look back.

Once we are outside the restaurant I take deep breaths, taking the cold night air in. It stabs my lungs, but it’s a good, welcome pain. The wind is cold, stings my eyes like the last remaining tears and even though Mackenzie is with me, her hands warm on my shoulders, I feel alone. Slowly, she wheels me over to David’s car and helps me in.

Time passes. We don’t speak as she’s turning on the radio but I feel her eyes on me and I know, she is almost as confused about the encounter as I am, with questions about Jared and me running through her head. But she doesn’t ask, lets me stare into the night and allows me to let my thoughts wander.

Eventually, Sarah and David are leaving the restaurant and Mackenzie leaves the car again, meeting her husband and daughter halfway.

“He left you a message," Sarah calls excitedly as she climbs onto the back seat, handing me a note, and looking curious and really satisfied with herself.

It’s small and looks rather insignificant, folded twice and for a while, I just look at it, hesitating and wondering whether I should read it or toss it away. Because the latter is not an option, not really, not after everything that happened earlier, the bond that was still there, I open it eventually. It’s not much, just a few scribbled words, but they warm my heart.

Jared wants me to call him. And above all, he remembered my birthday. Even after eight years, he remembered it. It makes me smile.

"You okay, Jensen?" my sister asks while starting the engine.

"Yeah, I think so. Lets go home."

***

One hour later I follow David and Mackenzie into their house. It was a very quiet ride back, with everyone but Sarah lost in their own thoughts. Many questions were running through Sarah’s curious mind and she opened her mouth about a dozen times to ask them, receiving a punishing glance from her mother whenever she did, until she finally gave up and played with the stuffed hippo instead.

Once we’re home, I’m tempted to draw back into my room, wanting to avoid the questions that would probably come if I stayed, but before I can make up my mind, David wheels back from the kitchen he has vanished into, two cooled bottles of beer in his lap. Before I even have the chance to object, David hands me one and with a sigh, I follow my friend into the living-room where we both heave ourselves onto the huge couch that dominates the room.

In silence, we watch some old movie we both know so well that it doesn’t matter that we missed the beginning and eventually, my sister comes back from tucking Sarah in. She sits down between us, closer to me than to her husband, as if she knows how churned up I still am and how lonely I feel, despite the fact that I’m with two of my closest friends.

Eventually, she takes my hand and I know what’s to come because she is looking at me very seriously. "Are you going to call him, Jensen?" Her voice betrays the look, is warm and soft and although I don’t know much right now, I know Mackenzie cares.

I haven’t made up my mind yet. It’s such a big thing, calling Jared, after all those years and under the circumstances, and I need time to think about it. Eventually, I shrug. "Don’t know. You saw what happened earlier." I sigh before I admit. "I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready."

For a while, silence stretches between us, with Mackenzie and David just looking at me curiously, thankfully sparing me any silly platitudes. “Jensen," my sister then says tentatively, "what happened?"

Eight years. After eight years someone finally dares to ask. The thing is, I can’t really answer. So many memories are blurred and sometimes, like right now, I’m not even sure what happened between Jared and I. Maybe it was just life. The result of growing up and spending far too much time together. Different things we wanted, different opinions. Maybe, we just loved each other too much and cared too much for things that weren’t really our business. I don’t know and I doubt I’ll ever find out. A long sigh escapes my lips, but I don’t answer Mackenzie’s question when I moisten my suddenly dry lips. “Why do you want to know now? No one’s ever asked.”

Only then do I notice that David switched off the TV and that it is completely silent in the room. There’s only the soft, steady noise of the pump in the large aquarium and I take my eyes away from my sister and her husband and fix them on the water in the distance instead, hoping that it will help me to calm down, like it does so often. I love this aquarium. Sometimes, I find myself getting lost in there while watching the fish swimming around, how quickly they move their small bodies, not ponderous like I became since the accident, and admiring their beautiful colors.

“We always wondered what happened," Mackenzie admits and I’m not really surprised. Not wondering what happened between my best friend and me would have been unusual. "But somehow," she shrugged, "I can’t tell you why, but no one ever dared to ask. No one ever dared to mention Jared or the Padalecki’s in your presence again. We knew it was something big. First it was too fresh and maybe, we didn’t want to remind you of it and then, when years passed, it was buried in the past and we didn’t want to dig it out and reopen healed wounds, Jensen. So Jared became “he who must not be named"."

A laugh escapes my lips at the mention of this silly name again, though there isn’t much humor in it. “We just drifted apart. Things like this happen in friendships, you know?" I know it’s a weak explanation, but right now, I can’t give Mackenzie much more. I would have to go down memory lane to find out and I’m not sure if I’m ready for this, to face those memories that flashed before my eyes earlier.

“I know, Jensen. It happens in usual friendships," Mackenzie agrees. "But you and Jared. The chemistry you had and that bond, it was unique. You were so close, Jensen. I can’t believe that you just drifted apart.” She sounds helpless and confused, like I felt when it happened and like I’m feeling now again.

“Mac, it started ten years ago," I breathe out tiredly while my fingers play nervously with each other and run through my hair. " Sometimes I can’t even remember what happened or when it happened.”

“But maybe you should remember, Jensen," Mackenzie says and now there is determination in her voice, as if she won’t give up until she has coaxed the truth out of me. "Maybe you should think about it… why everyone around you stopped shortening your name. Why no one dared to ever mention Jared again. And most of all, why this encounter today churned you up so much. Maybe, big brother, it’s time to remember and tell your tale." She smiles a little and squeezes my hand. "I’ll be here to listen.”

“I bet you are, curious girl," I deadpan though deep down I know Mackenzie is right. I never told anyone what happened, what caused us to break ties, saying a stiff “goodbye” that sounded more like “farewell” at the wrap party, instead of holding to the other with a promise on our lips that we’ll always keep in touch. And maybe now, after all these years, after seeing Jared again and most of all, after his invitation to get back in touch with him, I should confide in someone. How can I start a future with my old best friend, even if it doesn’t last longer than half an hour, before I faced the past? I nod tentatively. "Right, I’ll tell you, Mac. But not now, not today. I’m beat. I just want to go to sleep."

"Whenever you’re ready, hon." She leans over to kiss my cheek. "Goodnight, big brother."

She makes me smile. "Good night, little sister."

***

Fifteen minutes later I am lying in my comfortable bed, staring at the ceiling. Even though I’m tired to the bones after the exhausting day, sleep doesn’t come easily. Instead, I’m lying awake for what feels like hours, nothing but darkness and silence surrounding me while my train of thought is taking me to one memory of Jared and I to the next. Memories of laughter and banter, of pranks and nights out, of long talks and long moments of comfortable silence. Memories of hugs, of falling asleep together on a sofa and waking up far too close to each other. Memories of a hand touching my arm, my shoulder, my hand. Memories of closeness, of togetherness, of friendship. Memories of love.

Finally, all these memories drag me away to sleep, and my last thought before I’m enveloped by that dark and warm blanket of nothingness, is how the fuck it could have all gone so very wrong.

2

“So,” Mac starts while shoving a hot mug of coffee into my hand. “Are you ready to tell me, Jensen?”

It is afternoon and the house is quiet, with Sarah still at school and David at work. I sigh, taking a little sip of the hot beverage. Although it’s stupid, I hoped that Mackenzie would simply forget about what happened yesterday. Of course she didn’t. Not only because she is curious, but also because she cares. Mackenzie looks at me openly, her hands curled around her own mug and the steam caressing her fair skin. I know if there’s one person I can tell our story to, it’s my smart baby sister, who won’t judge me, who will just listen and maybe give me a suggestion or two.

“Yeah," I answer reluctantly because truth is, in a way I’ll never be ready. There will never be a good time for it, with the subject being as much a taboo as my handicap. It happened, and while the loss of both Jared and my mobility grieve me deeply, in the end, no matter how much I cried or cursed my life, I couldn’t change it. So I tried to live with it, just being able to get by. Now though, I have a chance to change it and maybe get a bit of the old friendship with Jared back. But before I call, I have to tell the tale of me and Jared.

“You know, when Jared and I met for the first time we instantly clicked. I can still remember how surprised I was when I received a hug instead of a handshake and how likeable he was during our first meeting. Friendly and open and his energy and enthusiasm was contagious. I knew at once that we’d get along well, though back then, I never believed how close we’d be one day." My thoughts drift back to this day. I was nursing a hot mug of coffee when Eric entered the room, a tall, lean young guy in tow. He introduced us and instead of a handshake, Jared hugged me tightly, taking my breath away with his candor. Eyes sparkling and hands flying in the air, Jared talked too much, far too fast, and I only caught half of his ramblings. He was all smiley and bouncy and so over-zealous, but it was catching and soon I couldn’t get enough of those dimples and that laugh, and even his huge hand touching my arm didn’t annoy me.

I still remember our audition together, us reading Dean and Sam Winchester, the good chemistry we had at once without ever working together. “After the audition we went out and it was as if we had known each other for years instead of only a couple of hours. It was almost spooky, the similar background we grew up in, similar taste in sports and music and films. In a way, Jared was the baby brother I never had." I take another mouthful of coffee. "Then we filmed the pilot and it was just wow." Laughing, I remember it like it was only yesterday, that first day on set and how easy it was acting with Jared. "You know, the schedule was so tight and there was so much at stake because we wanted the show to be a success, but Jared, he made everyone feel better with this broad smile and giving out hugs just for the fun of it."

"The show was picked up and we moved to Vancouver and Jared was just awesome. He was so kind to everyone and for me, he was the best medicine for my loneliness and boredom. He couldn’t get out of my personal space, was always close, always touching, always affectionate and caring. It’s funny because he was so many things I actually didn’t like, a little pushy and exaggerated, but it was Jared, a part of him and strangely, it never bothered me." I miss those hugs, the way he sometimes held me, long and tight, saying so much without a word: praise and consolation or just hello and bye. Especially after the accident, I found myself wishing that Jared was there, making it just a little better and more bearable with one of his bear hugs.

“You miss him," Mackenzie states matter-of-factly and her comment brings me back to the present, a place without Jared in my life and that seems a little duller and sadder just because he is not with me.

“Yeah," I admit absently, thoughtfully playing with the place mat.

“So, call him," Mackenzie prompts and the way she says it, it sounds so easy. And after all, it probably is. It’s just a few numbers.

Silence spreads between us and I’m back where I was last night when sleep didn’t find me. "Eventually I will," I promise, and it’s not a promise to my sister but to myself. "But not now. First I have to find out what happened or at least, I have to relive it again. Only after I’ve faced it can I get in touch with Jared again."

Mackenzie nods and I’m happy that she understands, that she doesn’t push me and makes time for me to listen to this story. "So, fire away, Jensen. I’m all ears."

"We already built the foundation for our friendship after we shot the pilot, staying in touch and having a beer once in a while. And then we finally got the call we had been waiting for and I still remember Jared calling me and he was yelling and laughing and so excited, promising me that we’d have the time of our lives up there in Vancouver."

"And you had," Mackenzie mentions.

A big smile parts my lips and happiness spreads through my body, just remembering those first years. "It was. It wasn’t all happy, smiley and easy because of the long working hours and tight schedules and the demanding storyline, but Jared, he made it bearable. He could work like an ox, if it was needed, but then again, he could joke and banter and put a smile on everyone’s lips, especially on mine. And he was so smart, Mac. After a while, he knew me so well, knew exactly how I was feeling, if I had a shitty day, didn’t meet my own expectations and doubted my acting. He never pushed me, but he was always there and sooner or later, I found myself confiding in him, until there was nothing I wouldn’t have told Jared." Sighing deeply, I think about all those times Jared was my shoulder to cry on - and vice versa. It was great to have him; great to be trusted and to have this faith in another man.

“Jensen, I know you were close," Mackenzie says softly. "That’s why we were all so dumbstruck when you never mentioned Jared again, when you flinched in those rare times Mom or I dared to ask what Jared’s up to. So um," my sister nibbles on her lower lip for a while, something she does when she’s a little embarrassed or thoughtful, "why are you telling me this now, Jensen?"

It’s a fair question since it doesn’t have anything to do with what happened later. But maybe I tell her because there’s no end without a beginning. Or maybe it’s because I first have to remember how close Jared and I really were, so that I can understand what went wrong. But maybe it’s boring her, listening to her brother’s long past adventures with his old best friend. "Don’t know. Maybe because that’s how we started and it’s nice to talk about Jared with someone after such a long time. I’m not boring you, am I?"

My sister shakes her head. "No, you’re not. Actually, your friendship always fascinated me. It was unusual for guys, I think."

Not knowing how to answer, I shrug. Maybe it was. David and I are close, our similar fate what brought and holds us together, but what Jared and I had was much stronger, ran so much deeper. “Then I moved in with Jared. I think it was the highlight of our friendship because back then, we were almost everything; co-stars, roommates, best friends. I hesitated when Jared made the offer because I was worried that we’d annoy each other sooner or later. It never happened." I shake my head, still a little surprised about this. "Living with Jared was as easy as working with him. He was there, laughing, joking, chatting, but he also respected my privacy and left me alone when I had my grumpy days. Sure, there were little quarrels, but they were about insignificant things. In a way, it was not much different than living with Danneel later. Without the sex." I add with a smirk, remembering those ridiculous rumors about Jared and I being lovers.

“So, you and Jared... " My sister blushes. "You really were not together?"

I wonder how long Mackenzie has been dying to ask this question and something cramps in my stomach, when I remember those few moments when we could have so easily crossed the line between friendship and real love, but never dared to. "We weren’t, though there were moments." I feel heat creeping up my cheeks. "Looks. Touches. Butterflies in my belly. But it never happened."

Mackenzie doesn’t even look surprised. "Why not, Jensen? You and Jared, you were epic," she breathes out, looking a little dreamy.

"The only thing I never told Jared about myself is that I’m bi. I was too scared that he’d reject me. He was no homophobe, yet not bi or gay, either. How could he have loved me like this, Mac?" Sighing deeply, I wonder, not for the first time, if I just should have told Jared. Who knows how different my life would have been then. "Besides, there was the show and it would have been a huge scandal. So I held myself back."

"But you loved Jared," Mackenzie says indignantly.

It should be weird, talking to my baby sister about things like this, about love and sexuality, things I only dream about nowadays, but it isn’t. If not with her and David, I would have no one to talk to, and Mackenzie sees right through me anyway, probably knows the answers to her questions already. "I did. Our bond was way beyond friendship. Jared, he was so important to me and I couldn’t imagine a life without him. But even though I was attracted to Jared in all possible ways, I’m not sure if I was in love with him." This time, I’m not sure if I’m denying my true feelings, if I maybe did it before, a decade ago, when we were living together, when I was dreaming about touching and licking Jared’s bare chest and holding that impressive cock of his in my hands. I brush my thoughts away, think of something else instead, of how naive we used to be back then, believing that nothing could ever rip us apart, of promising each other more than once to always stay in touch, no matter what.

We both broke that promise. When the show ended, nothing of that beautiful bond was left. We said goodbye to each other without batting an eyelash and if I felt anything at all, it was relief that it was over. Gosh, what happened to us? How did it come to this?

“So big brother," Mac says and once more she releases me from the binding spell those memories conjured up, “let me summarize. You met, became best friends, became closer all the time. You more or less shared your lives and days, apart from hiatus, and even then you were kind of inseparable because you called each other all the time. You loved Jared. And I’m sure he loved you just as much. You even admit that you were just one step away from becoming more than just friends. What the fuck happened, Jensen?”

Helplessly, I shake my head. I just don’t know. Not really. "I’m not sure. Maybe we were just too close?" It’s just an assumption, nothing I know for sure, but I really need to find out, want to know why Jared and I screwed up, just to prevent it from happening again.

My sister’s reply is already on her lips when Sarah saves me from continuing the conversation. Cheeks red from the cold outside, she storms into the room, proudly telling her mom that she got another A on her English test before she is even close enough to place a wet kiss on both our cheeks.

“This conversation isn’t over yet, Jensen," Mackenzie says quietly, looking at me sternly and telling me without words that by no means can I chicken out of it.

“Which conversation?” Sarah asks curiously while placing her school bag onto the floor and slipping out of her winter jacket.

“None," Mackenzie and I answer simultaneously and the pout we get in return makes us both laugh.

"How about you tell me about your day at school, sweetie?" I prompt Sarah and she gladly complies, babbling about this and that.

Her presence and natural happiness dispels a little of the tension I’ve been riddled with ever since I started to talk about Jared. Yet, Mackenzie’s question still occupies me and for the hundredth time I wonder what the hell had gone so wrong with us.

******

The next day brings sunshine and relatively mild temperatures, at least for Massachusetts in March. So after Mackenzie returns from grocery shopping and I help her put the shoppings away, she suggests going outside and catching a bit of fresh air and sun. I see through her at once; of course she wants me to continue my story and with us being outdoors there is no way we could be disturbed by calls, the doorbell or whatever. Yet I agree. I want to finish what I started yesterday and besides, I need an answer to that all-consuming question that is burning in my mind.

Ten minutes later we are outside, the spring sun so warm and bright on my face that I shove my sunglasses onto my nose after the first few yards. There are still some patches of snow in some of the shadowy parts of the forest that begins behind Mackenzie and David’s residence, but the first wild snowdrops and crocuses are blossoming on the many clearings we pass and the birds are singing cheerfully. Spring is definitely on its way.

Mackenzie pushes my wheelchair and I am grateful for her help because even after two years, it is arduous work, no matter how muscled my upper arms and shoulders are. She is careful, avoids the puddles and bumps and stops once in a while, whenever she thinks there is something worthwhile to look at a little longer.

"You still owe me a story, big brother," she says eventually.

“Yeah.” Yet I don’t start talking at once, thinking about the beginning of the end instead. Was it when we stopped sharing our thoughts, or when we stopped calling the other every day during hiatus? Or did it happen when we stopped seeing each other outside work? After a while though I remember something and it’s as good as any other part of the story to begin with. “I remember this one evening, it was in the forth season. Looking back, it maybe was when everything started to fall apart. Misha and I had a late shoot and Jared had been at home for a couple of hours already. I came home and Jared was in the living room, talking to someone on the phone. The door stood ajar and you know how Jared was, with his loud voice. I really didn’t want to eavesdrop, but I just couldn’t miss what he said. “I can’t tell him, he’d freak out". Jared sounded really desperate. Like I said, I didn’t want to eavesdrop and I made my presence known. Jared finished the call hurriedly, sticking his head through the door crack while I was slipping out of my shoes, looking slightly embarrassed or kind of caught in the act. It was weird, awkward really, almost as if I disturbed him, as if I were unwelcome in his home. I didn’t ask him what was wrong, though."

I sigh, wondering if things would have turned out differently if I had spoken up. "I knew Jared well enough to know that he’d tell me if there was anything to tell, but he didn’t. Instead, he was acting strange the whole evening, throwing inconspicuous glances in my direction whenever he thought I wasn’t looking. Just when I was wondering if I should at least ask him if everything was alright, he got up, yawning exaggeratedly and disappearing upstairs. This was weird because Jared, he never went to bed that early and besides, we had our ritual, having some food and beer and watching a movie. Yet, I brushed Jared’s behavior away, thinking he just had one of his rare bad days and hoping that everything would be back to normal the next day."

“But it wasn’t," Mackenzie says, as if she already knew how the story would go on.

“It wasn’t. Jared was acting strange for a couple of days and avoided me whenever it wasn’t too obvious. Sure, he was friendly like always but he just kept his distance. No hugs, no shoulder bumps, no touches. He even avoided eye contact when we were out of character. I couldn’t stop wondering if Jared was pissed at me for some reason and when nothing changed after a couple of days, I confronted Jared with it." I comb my hand through my hair, thinking about what happened then. "He denied it, pinned it on the storyline and the tension between the brothers before giving me this really tight, really genuine hug and asking me not to be mad at him." A sad snort escapes my nose. "I wasn’t, although I didn’t quite buy what Jared had told me. I knew that something was odd, but as close as Jared and I were, there are still a few things you don’t want to share with anyone, not even with your closest friend or partner, and that was okay with me. I didn’t want to push."

I am quiet for a while, listening to the steady crunch of the wheelchair’s wheels against the gravel and wondering if I could have prevented everything if this once, I had been more persistent. “That weekend, Jared went over to LA and when he came back he was his old self, happy, bouncy and all smiles. Talking to me and touching me again, watching movies and drinking beer with me in the evenings. Everything seemed to be okay and I was relieved." I laugh dryly about my own naiveté. "A few weeks later though, two other things happened. Jared started to date Genevieve. It was not exactly a surprise because she really was his type, petite, dark-haired, kind of exotic. Yet, it was completely different than when Jared was with Sandy. Genevieve was with him on set and then she started to hang out at our place more or less around the clock and to be honest, I suddenly felt unwelcome and like the odd one out.”

“Jensen, you were jealous," my sister says with a hint of amusement in her voice. "That’s really sweet."

I turn around and stab her with a punishing glance. "I’m not sure if jealous is the right adjective to describe it, Mackenzie, but I admit, it was weird. Unlike Jared, I couldn’t see my girlfriend every day. On the contrary, sometimes Danneel and I didn’t see each other for weeks, and here was my best friend with his new girlfriend, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ear all the time, hugging and kissing while we were watching a movie. To be honest, it made me feel uncomfortable and strangely lonely. Suddenly, I had to share Jared with a girl, not only for a few days in a row like it used to be with Sandy, but more or less around the clock. I wasn’t used to it and it upset me and yeah, maybe one of those many feelings was jealousy. It had always been Jared and I and we had such a great dynamic and suddenly, that was gone. I didn’t blame Genevieve, she was nice enough, nor Jared, because that’s just the way it is when you’re in love, but it hurt how my best friend replaced me with his new girlfriend." As I release a long, shaky breath, I feel like I did back then; sad, disappointed and lonely. A bit like an old toy that was once loved but isn’t interesting anymore, because its owner found something new and shiny and better instead.

My sister seems to sense the shift of my mood, because she stops and places her hands on my shoulders, gently massaging my neck with her thumbs. "I’m sure Jared didn’t want to hurt you like this, hon. I don’t approve of what he did, don’t get me wrong, but he is four years younger than you, Jensen, and even though you were so great together, in a way, you were like day and night."

"He was thoughtless, Mac," I say sadly, "but it would have been okay, had it not been for the other thing."

"What happened?" Mackenzie asks as she starts to walk again.

"Jared asked me not to hug or touch him that much in public anymore." I’ve never told anyone and saying it out loud hurts, like it hurt when Jared told me, avoiding eye contact and biting on his lip, as if he knew that it was wrong.

Mackenzie takes in a sharp breath. "What the fuck??"

“That’s what I thought as well. It had mostly been Jared who jumped on me at events, pretending to kiss me or hugged me like there was no tomorrow. Not that I ever minded. In spite of what I maybe felt for him, it was fun, harmless and the fans loved it." Even though I sometimes acted like it was damn annoying, I actually loved it, too, having Jared’s attention and love. "Besides, I thought it’d be more conspicuous if we just stopped doing this than keeping on doing it. The fans interpreted everything we did, every tiny gesture, every single word and I was sure they would think we had fallen apart if we started to behave differently and sort of avoided such gestures in public. But Jared didn’t want to hear any of it. He just wanted to get rid of the silly gossip about us being lovers because it obviously upset his precious Genevieve," I can’t really hide the venom in my voice, "and he was sure, if we acted like normal best friends, the speculation about us would stop eventually."

"Did you fight, Jensen?" Mackenzie asks softly.

I shake my head no. "It wasn’t worth it. I loved Jared and I wanted him to be happy. After I tried to reason with him a little and he didn’t want to understand, I gave in. He was determined. He would have done it anyways, even without my consent. We held ourselves back in public and even though it hurt, it was okay with me because behind the scenes, not much changed. We still were best buddies."

“But something changed," my sister notes.

“Kind of. It was just different, you know. Before Genevieve, we were so close and when she came into Jared’s life, we just lost a bit of our bond. And Jared’s weird suggestion, it was one tiny piece of the whole mess. Something that was strange, something that hurt and something that made me wonder what the fuck was going on and which resulted in us falling apart in the end.”

For a while, neither of us says anything and I feel the sadness growing inside me. I know I can’t change the past and maybe it’s not worth it, but I just can’t help it. Once more, Mackenzie is there, with her hand stroking over my cheek.

"Are you okay, Jensen? You can tell me later if it’s too much. I don’t want to force you, hon, I know it must be hard."

Her kindness and concern chases a bit of the sadness away. "I’m good, Mac. It’s just... I can’t help wondering if my life would have turned out very different if I had just talked to Jared, but maybe it already was too late."

"Why? What happened, Jensen?"

While scratching my neck I try to remember. “Not much for a while. We lived side-by-side, but not really together anymore, if you know what I mean. It got pretty much routine, having Genevieve around and being the third wheel and after a few weeks, I started to fly back to LA every weekend, see Danni more often and spend my time with Jason or Steve. I managed to kill the time until hiatus came, but then it was clear that something big has changed between Jared and I. We stayed in touch, but not like before. Sometimes days went by without a single text or call. It was like there was nothing to tell the other while a year before; we had so much to say. We were both busy, spending time with our families, our girlfriends and other buddies. I can only speak for myself here but I didn’t even really miss talking to Jared.”

“That’s bad," Mackenzie breathes out sadly.

Sighing deeply, I turn around, chancing a look at my sister. "I know," I admit. "I knew it back then, too. Something was wrong with us because a few months earlier, the thought of losing touch with Jared killed me and now I didn’t miss talking to him. The thing is Mac, in a way I was used to not talking to Jared already. During hiatus, I decided to finally get my own place and Jared, he didn’t disagree when I told him. Sure, he said some platitude about "always being welcome" and that there is no need to move out, but it was clear that he was relieved that it was me, not him who had made the decision."

"It was the right decision, Jensen," Mackenzie says with determination but I can’t agree with her. Not really. Not when everything changed.

"I’m not so sure, Mac. Because with Ruby being dead, Genevieve wasn’t with Jared all the time and maybe, if we had worked on our friendship, things would have turned out differently. But I got my own place and in a way everything ended with it. We stopped trusting each other, Mac. We just didn’t talk anymore. Sure, we spent time on set and went out for a drink once in a while or had some movie night when neither Genevieve nor Danni were around, but suddenly, our relationship was so shallow. It was only random, trivial stuff we talked about, not important things." Closing my eyes, I remember how we slowly drifted apart, how we regressed, moving from soul mates to nothing other than buddies.

"I’m sorry, hon," Mackenzie whispers, sounding a little helpless, as if she knew that it doesn’t really help, but I’m thankful for her sympathy and understanding anyways.

"That’s not everything, Mac, it gets worse." Swallowing a few times, I collect myself, preparing myself for telling her about the bitter end. "Then there was Jared’s breakdown while filming Changing Channels. He was a total mess, Mackenzie, I’ve never seen him in a worse state. They brought Jared to his trailer because he didn’t want them to call an ambulance and he was there, all alone with only the set doctor. No matter how much our friendship had changed, I still considered Jared my best friend and I wanted to be with him, was sure that it would help." I sigh deeply. "But Jared, he didn’t want to see me. He turned away the moment he heard my voice and sent me away. I didn’t argue, he was in bad shape, but it really hurt that he didn’t need me." Biting my lower lip in that nervous habit of mine, I recall how empty and lost I felt after Jared had sent me away. Like then, I feel my eyes burning with tears, but unlike all those years ago, I wipe them away before they can even appear. Yet the feeling of loss I can’t get rid of so easily. "I think it was the day I really lost Jared. I called him, but Jared never called back. When he was back on set he was so distant, treated me almost like a stranger. Our bond was broken and I tried hard to make it better, to be a friend, to talk to him, but he spurned me."

"And you never argued? No big epic fight?" Mackenzie asks and I know that she’s struggling to believe what I just told her, how two of the closest friends could fall apart like that.

"No, never. Suddenly, there was just this big wall between us. It was really awkward. Then though, something happened I didn’t expect. Jared told me he proposed to Genevieve and wanted me to be one of his groomsmen. I was surprised, but how could I refuse, Mackenzie? Not that I wanted to. Besides, no one had a clue about how things really were between us, not really. Sure, I heard people on set whispering behind our backs and wondering what’s going on, but fans, family, friends, no one knew we had fallen apart and everyone expected me to stand by his side."

"And vice versa," Mackenzie adds.

I hum thoughtfully. "To tell you the truth, I’m not sure if I would have asked Jared to be one of my groomsmen if he had not asked me first, the way our relationship was. I think we fooled everyone, including ourselves, by acting as if we were still the best of friends, while in reality our friendship had broken into pieces, Mac."

"It didn’t end there, Jensen, did it?"

Sighing deeply, I shake my head. "No. We got the news that Supernatural would be renewed for Season Six. It was okay with me, but Jared was anything but happy. It was one of the last times I tried to talk to him. He told me some bullshit about having been Sam long enough and now wanting to do something else, most of all spending more time with his wife, but like I said, it was bullshit. I didn’t really buy it. There was something else Mac and," I take a deep breath as I reveal something I haven’t told anyone else before, "I’m quite sure it had something to do with me. We weren’t best friends anymore, far from the soul mates we’d once been, but we still had our chemistry and got on alright and that’s much more than other actors can say about their co-stars. But the way Jared didn’t look at me, the way he avoided me... He never said anything mean or upsetting, yet I felt as if I was nothing to him anymore, nothing but a co-star he had to spend time with," I spit out, hearing the bitterness in my own voice.

"I don’t doubt you, Jensen," Mackenzie says carefully, "nevertheless it’s hard to believe that Jared treated you like this. He was always so kind and sweet. What turned him into this heartless monster?"

"He was no monster, Mac," I say tiredly and notice that, even after a decade, I sort of defend his actions and can’t be mad at him. "I think he grew older and to be honest, I think Genevieve was a bad influence. I’m not saying she was a heartless bitch, but you know, I think she was jealous, of the bond Jared and I had and she tried to pull us apart and succeeded well. She wrapped Jared around her little finger and he was blind, had eyes only for her, and did what she wanted, even though I’m sure, she never said it directly. She was smart."

"So was Jared," Mackenzie throws in. "You said it yourself."

"He was. Very smart. But like you said yourself, Mac, he was four years younger than I. Always easier to control and manipulate. I can’t even blame him. In a way, we both were naive, stupid and blind, Mac," I admit, sighing deeply. "Anyways, where was I?"

"Weddings," Mackenzie points out. "You seemed to still get along well."

"Yeah, but remember, Mac, we’re both actors. We lie professionally. Besides, Jared and I, we didn’t spend much time together on the weddings. Some photos, a little chit chat and that was it. It was easy to kid everyone. I bet no one apart from our wives, knew that our friendship was over. After my wedding... we didn’t talk one single time before we met again for the conventions. Then the last season started and our friendship was dead, Mac. We stopped hanging out, were nothing but work colleagues. Eventually, we couldn’t hide the change in our relationship any longer and besides, Jared’s heart wasn’t in it anymore. He just wanted to get the show over and done with. In the end, even I wasn’t sad when it happened. I was relieved." I shiver a little. "A thought that had saddened me once now felt good, even made me happy. The wrap party, it was so awkward. Actually, I was surprised that Jared came and when we said goodbye, we were like strangers. No hug, no handshake, just nothing. We didn’t even look at each other. It was just a quick, emotionless "bye" before we hurried off in different directions. I haven’t seen Jared since."

In embarrassment, I wipe the corners of my eyes, hoping that Mackenzie doesn’t see the transparent liquid drops. If she does, she luckily is too discreet to mention it, and, with silence stretching between us, she pushes me over the path. Only now do I notice that my hands are cold and as I throw a glance at my watch I see that over an hour has passed.

That’s how our epic love ended but I’m not at the end of my story, not yet. There is still something I want to tell my sister. "The thing is Mac, like I said before, we didn’t argue once. There were no harsh words, not a single fight. We simply lost the faith we had in each other and I drew back because Jared drew back and I guess Jared stopped talking because I did. It was a vicious cycle."

"That’s really sad, Jensen," Mackenzie says quietly. “Did you ever talk to Jared about what was wrong or what went wrong? Or did he say something?"

Looking over my shoulder, I see how the story made her feel low, almost as if it had been her and her best friend, not her brother. “He didn’t, Mac," I say, flashing her a sad little smile before turning my head again and looking at my lifeless feet in their expensive, clean shoes, wondering for a moment why I even bother to spend so much money on things I practically don’t need anymore. "I don’t blame him. I don’t know what was wrong, can only speculate about the reasons, but neither was it Jared’s nor my own fault. It just happened." I shrug, but not because I don’t care, but because I’m still not sure what ripped us apart. "Maybe it’s what I said earlier and we were just too close. We were addicted to each other, Mac, really inseparable, like Siamese twins. Perhaps we suffered from an overdose; too much Jensen for him, too much Jared for me Perhaps that’s why our friendship died.” A sniff escapes my throat as sadness overwhelms me. "It didn’t take long until I missed Jared but I was too proud to get in touch with him once the show was over."

"And you, hon? Did you ever talk to Jared?"

"Just once. A few weeks into shooting Season Six. I went to his trailer and asked him point blank what happened with us, what went so wrong. He looked up from the script he was reading, said something about growing up and that things like this sometimes just happen and then he sent me away. But," I rub my hand over my mouth, trying to collect my thoughts, "while his words were so indifferent, he didn’t sound careless, Mac. He sounded sad. Maybe, I could have said something to save us back then, but I wasn’t strong enough. His words had hurt me and suddenly it was I who didn’t care anymore because why should I have fought for something Jared so easily threw away."

My sister stops, putting both her hands on my shoulders and gently slides them over my chest, rubbing softly. I take them, hold on to her smaller hands as if they were my lifeline, grateful that she listened to me and grateful that she understands. For a while, we stand like this in the sun-flooded forest, listening to the birds and the soft rustle of the wind. "We should go back, hon," she says eventually, squeezing my hands.

There is comfortable silence between us for a long time, but a question bothers me and I can’t answer it without her advice. "Do you still think I should call Jared? After everything I told you, Mac?"

She doesn’t answer for a while, maybe weighing the pros and cons for me, wanting to protect me, like she’s always done since the accident. "He wasn’t exactly nice to you, Jensen," she says carefully, "and after what you told me, I wouldn’t blame you for not getting back in touch with him. But honey, I know it bothers you. I know it’s been on your mind ever since your birthday. I think you need to call him, Jensen. For your own sake. Besides, Jared still seems to like you. I saw his face, the way he held your hand, Jensen. He gave you his number. He didn’t do it out of a sense of duty, hon. He wants you to call him. And maybe, after all these years it’s time. It was a weird coincidence that you met him again, here in Boston of all places, hon. Maybe it didn’t really end eight years ago. Maybe, you are meant to be friends again. And if nothing comes of it, you at least have the chance to find out what happened and can finally find some closure."

“I doubt that movie star Jared Padalecki has any need to be friends with a cripple," I spit out bitterly, knowing that my sister will rebuke me for this comment, although it’s true. I lost much more with the stupid accident than the ability to walk, but friends, among them my long-time girlfriend, Alice, who just couldn’t cope with being involved with a wheelchair-bound man. It hurt and since then, I lost most of my faith in other people and their goodness.

“Don’t talk like this, Jensen," Mackenzie rants, but her voice is soft and sad, not annoyed. "You might not be able to move your legs anymore, sweetie, but your heart is still in the right place and the accident didn’t change the fact that you are a very generous, kind, sweet man. I’m sure, if you give Jared a chance, he’ll see it, too. And if he doesn’t, he isn’t worthy of any more of your consideration, just like Alice and her bunch of friends."

I’m not sure Mackenzie can understand. Sure, there is David, who had similar experiences after his own accident, but she is really one of god’s better people. She married David after all, not caring once that he is paralyzed and that their life would always be a little different than the life of other couples. But people like my sister, they are so rare. Most don’t see into your heart, but into your face, backing away from scars, missing limbs, crutches or a wheelchair.

“So, what are you going to do, Jensen? Are you going to call Jared? Are you ready for maybe having that second chance you hoped for in the past eight years?"

Closing my eyes, I bury my face in my hands, thinking about what I just confided in my sister, thinking about the short encounter two days ago, all those emotions that are still washing over me, whenever I think about the man. Seeing Jared again would be such a big thing. It’d mean telling him my story, to endure his look, fixed on the wheelchair or my legs, his questions, his pity. But it would also mean hearing his voice and maybe feeling his touch. Maybe it would mean getting my friend back, a man I miss almost as much as the use of my legs, the man who was my everything. Suddenly, a memory flashes through my mind, of Jared and me laughing out loud and holding our bellies, followed by him wrapped around me, his freakishly long arms holding me so tight. It was pure joy, pure happiness like I have never felt in the past eight years and I know, I need to see Jared again. “I’m ready, Mac," I say before I can chicken out, loud and clear, so that Mackenzie hears it and can hold me to my word.

“Good." She sounds very satisfied. "Then do it now."

A wave of panic washes over me. "Now??"

“Sure, why not, hon. The sooner, the better. I know you have everything you need. There’s your wallet and I happen to know that you put Jared’s note in there and there is your cell, Jensen. Don’t wait another eight years to make it right. Not even eight months or eight days or eight hours. Just do it now."

Without waiting for my answer, she hands me both my cell and wallet, watching like a hawk as I pull out Jared’s note with shaking hands. I know it’s just a few numbers, just a simple call, but my hands are sweaty and I know, if they still could, my legs would be Jell-O.

"It’s not going to bite, Jensen." Mackenzie laughs and it’s enough to make me punch in the first number. I’m not going to embarrass myself even more. Quickly, the rest of the numbers follow and I push the cell to my ear, listening with a heavily beating heart to the steady beep until the call is finally answered. My heart dives when I listen to Jared’s voice and it takes a few seconds until I realize that it’s only the mailbox. I’m one moment away from disconnecting the call, but the memory of us laughing keeps me on the line and I leave Jared a message.

Now all I can do is wait.

3

Playing nervously with the white shirt I’m wearing, I’m sitting on the comfortable leather couch in David’s office, waiting for Jared. It’s quiet here in the back of the house, with Sarah in her room, doing homework or playing with her dolls or whatever girls her age do when they are not allowed to eavesdrop. Mackenzie set the small coffee table with some delicious smelling homemade cupcakes, a huge pot of coffee, a bottle of water, plates, mugs and glasses and even put a vase with red, orange and yellow tulips on it. My stomach is churning with the anxiety that has been my steady companion ever since my sister helped me to get settled here and hid the wheelchair behind the sofa. The simple thought of meeting Jared again freaks me out. I’m not ready for it.

But it’s too late. No way to take it back because punctual to the minute, the doorbell is ringing. My heart skips a beat and then, it thrums excitedly while I’m listening to every spoken word, though I can’t understand everything, just hear my sister’s and Jared’s voices, probably exchanging overly friendly pleasantries.

Then the voices fade away and instead, two pair of feet are moving over the tiled floor, coming closer with every heartbeat. God, it’s happening. I’m going to meet Jared again, soon, very soon. My eyes are fixed on my lap, but when my sister opens the door, saying something I don’t really catch, I look up, trying hard for a calm, composed face.

There is Jared, in all his beauty, smiling shyly and I know, he is as nervous as I am and tries to hide it as well. He hovers in the door frame, with my sister standing behind him, as if he was waiting for her to push him in and maybe, she should just do it, helping both of us to overcome the horrible awkwardness.

"Hey." My voice is shaky, weak and I hate it, but I can’t really control it. "How about you come in and sit down, Jared?"

He nods, taking a first, hesitant step, then a second and suddenly, he is close, towering above me for a second before he sits down, as if he suddenly remembered that I can’t stand up to greet him, even if I would want to. "Hey Jen," he says and there is insecurity in his voice and posture.

A shiver shoots through my body at the familiar, beloved nickname, but it doesn’t help to ease the situation. Nothing comes to my mind to say to my old best friend. Simply nothing. What could I say, after all these years and the way we parted at the wrap party, with nothing more than an ice-cold bye? It’s so awkward and I wish Mackenzie or David or even Sarah were with me to help me out, but I’m all alone. Hell, not even our first meeting when I was alone was in no means this awkward. Suddenly, the pictures from back then flash through my mind; Eric’s introduction, Jared’s smile and his bone-crushing hug.

A smile twitches over my lips and finally, I look straight into Jared’s face, chasing away the memory of the kid Jared used to be with the image of the man he is now. Some gray wisps streak his hair that is still much longer than mine; there are a couple of new moles and some wrinkles around his mouth and forehead that weren’t there eight years ago. Yet, Jared looks good; tanned, healthy and when he finally smiles, his dimples are back, deep but just as hypnotic as they used to be, and some of my tension melts away.

And then, like all those years ago, Jared pulls me to his chest and wraps me into his arms. My intuition tells me to draw back when I remember how everything between us ended, how we didn’t dare to touch and I shift to push Jared away gently.

However, Jared has other plans and he tightens his hold, presses me even closer to him. "Won’t let you go, Jen," he whispers, his breath grazing my ear softly. "Not today."

Something inside me shifts and I hold on to Jared, as tight as I can, pressing my fingers hard into his muscled back and I’m sure, it must hurt, but Jared doesn’t even flinch. He just holds me, rubs his hand up and down my back, so far below that I can’t feel it anymore and up again. He doesn’t say anything, just breathes with me in unison, in and out.

That’s when the levee breaks. "I missed you, Jay," I admit and the first tears blur my eyes. I know there is no chance to swallow them down. I let go and I don’t care, don’t care that I’m wailing like a baby, that I’m crying for everything that happened between us, for losing my best friend.

"I missed you too, Jen," Jared says softly. "So much." His long fingers move over my neck and comb through my hair and it’s so intimate, yet so familiar and welcome and I hope he doesn’t stop, the move mesmerizing and calming. "I promise, I won’t leave again."

I’m not sure if I can really believe Jared and I cry even harder, burying my head in his shoulder while I feel Jared’s own, hot tears on my face. I can’t remember one single time I saw Jared cry, not really and it tightens my chest so much. It’s real, no act, it’s what he wants and even though I don’t want to put my hopes too high, I can’t help that this candle of hope in my heart flickers weakly, the flame growing stronger with each of Jared’s touches.

Eventually, I gently pull away, looking into red, puffy eyes and a scarlet face. “What happened, Jay?" I breathe out sadly, asking the question that has been occupying my mind far too often in the past week. "What happened to us? We were so close, man. The best of friends. Soul mates. I loved you, Jared. And suddenly, everything was falling apart. What happened?" There’s desperation in my voice and anger, but it’s not directed at Jared, but at myself and at life, for how cruel it can be.

Big hazel eyes look at me sadly. "I’m sorry, Jen. I promise I’ll tell you. It’s time for you to learn the truth. But not now. Okay?"

The truth? It sounds weird, even a little worrisome, and a part of me wants to shake Jared and force this truth out of him right now, but the other part prevails. I’ve waited for almost a decade so some hours, even some days won’t matter. "I can wait, Jared. Tell me whenever you’re ready, dude."

“Thanks." He seems relieved, as if he wasn’t ready to tell me whatever the truth is. Pointing at one of the cupcakes, he then asks, “Can I maybe have one of these? For the nerves, you know.” He smiles a little and I think it’s charming, how openly he admits to how nervous he is. It makes him human, shows that he is more than the cool celebrity most people see when they look at him.

“Sure. Help yourself and hand me one, too, okay? I could use a healthy dose of sugar, too. Do you want coffee?"

Jared nods and I busy myself with pouring coffee, adding two cubes of sugar in Jared’s mug like I remember he used to take it.

“Delicious," he mumbles with closed eyes after having taken the first big bite of his cupcake.

Silence spreads between us while we’re devouring our cupcakes, not uncomfortable like earlier, but expectant and once in a while, Jared is throwing quick looks at me, mostly at my legs I can’t move anymore. It might not be exactly polite, but I’m used to worse and I don’t blame him. If the places were reversed, I’d also like to know what happened. I’m prepared for all the questions Jared might ask, but since I’m not begging for them either, I start with what interests me the most. "What are you doing here in Boston, Jay?"

“Filming," Jared says before helping himself to a second cupcake. "My own production.”

"Wow." I nod appreciatively. "You came a long way," I say and my words are spiced with a hint of pride. "That’s awesome, really."

Jared looks satisfied with himself. "Thanks, man. I really can’t complain." He grins broadly. "I was lucky, after Supernatural ended. At the right place at the right time. Went even better than I ever imagined."

"I’m happy for you, Jay." It’s not a platitude or a lie because, no matter how it ended between us, I am indeed happy for my old friend, as he is living his life’s dream and has the success and recognition he always dreamed about.

A hint of scarlet creeps over Jared’s cheeks and it reminds me so much of old times, when I used to compliment him on a well acted scene that my belly cramps pleasantly. It’s good to know that Jared is still modest and that his success didn’t go to his head.

"What’s the movie about, Jay?"

With eyes sparkling and hands flying through the air, Jared tells me about the project, about the director, his co-star and his own role he describes as a real challenge. He sounds happy, enthusiastic and I can’t help being a little envious that Jared has all this when my challenges are so small, insignificant ones like managing housework without help or doing grocery shopping on my own.

Eventually though, Jared is done and he looks at me, not inconspicuously anymore, but openly, while sipping on his second cup of coffee. "So um," Jared clears his throat, "I hope you don’t mind me asking but what happened to you, Jen? Why can’t you walk anymore?" His voice is soft and gentle, careful, as if he isn’t sure whether it is appropriate or not to ask about my handicap. "You don’t have to tell me," he adds quickly. "I know I probably lost the right to know, man. But -"

"Hey, it’s okay," I interrupt Jared’s ramblings, almost feeling sorry for him. The subject must be as awkward for him as it is for me. "I knew you would ask, I’m prepared," I admit, but no matter how much I braced myself for it, talking about the accident is still hard. I hate remembering those moments that changed my whole life and the time afterwards, those long, gruesome months in the hospital and rehab. Yet, some tales have to be told if you want to be friends again and the reason why I’m bound to a wheelchair definitely is at the top of the list.

Moistening my lips, I flash Jared a tortured smile before looking at my hands that lie folded in my lap, without feeling it. Even now, after all these months, it still feels weird, not feeling my own touch. "It was an accident, almost two years ago," I say quietly and I hate how broken my voice sounds. "There was a heavy storm in spring and one of the trees in my parents’ backyard snapped in the middle. I offered to pay for a company that specializes in removing trees, but my parents; they didn’t want me to spend the money and insisted on doing it on their own. You know, my dad’s not the youngest anymore and of course I offered to help them. It was a bad idea from the start. We didn’t have the proper equipment and because of the rain the ground was muddy and the bark was slippery." Massaging my neck, I remember those seconds before the fall, how I slipped and lost my balance and a visible shudder runs through my body.

Suddenly, Jared’s hand is there, cupping my own, rubbing gently, like back in the restaurant after he had found out. "Jen, you don’t have to tell me. I understand if it’s too hard." His voice oozes with affection and it makes me happy and sad at the same time, that Jared still feels like this when it comes to me.

Swallowing hard, I shake my head. "No, I’m good, Jay. You should know." Jared squeezes my hand once before he lets go and I miss the touch, his warmth and care at once. "I climbed the tree and... Jay, it happened so fast. I slipped on the wet bark and the branch I was holding slipped through my hands, too and... I had no chance. I fell off the tree and onto my lower back, breaking one of my lower vertebra.

“I’m sorry, Jen," Jared says with a shaking voice. Finally, I chance a look at Jared and I see so much sadness in his big eyes. "I wish -"

“Don’t be, Jay," I cut Jared off, before he can say any more platitudes. I know he means it, but all those words, they don’t help, not really. "I don’t need anyone to pity me, man - least of all you. It’s okay. I’m fine." It’s bullshit because I’m far from fine but I hope Jared buys it.

Jared flinches a little. “Sure it is, Jen. You’re awesome. The happiest you’ve ever been." Sure, there is a hint of sarcasm in it, but mostly, Jared sounds sad. Like he is upset that I’m lying to myself like this and pretending to be someone I’m not.

I’m dumbstruck when the true meaning of his words sink in. There is nothing I can answer, not a biting comment that comes to mind. It’s shocking that Jared sees through me like this, that he can understand my feelings and sees the darkness in my heart mirrored in my eyes, even after all these years.

Jared looks a bit embarrassed, as if he isn’t sure if he maybe didn’t go too far with his comment. "I’m sorry, Jen," he repeats. "I wish I had been with you back then.” He takes my hand and holds it and it feels good, so good that I just can’t draw back. I let Jared hold my hand, let him pet it with his thumb while I remember how much I wished Jared to be by my side in the darkest hours of my life, holding my hand exactly like he holds it now. “You should have called.”

An angry snort escapes my throat. “Jared. Did you forget how we said goodbye? I think we were both happy to not see each other ever again. How could I have called after what happened? What would I have said?" I spit out bitterly. "Hi Jay, I know we haven’t seen each other for years, but I fell off a tree and I’m crippled now. I could use a friend so please come over and hold my hand." I’m sure you would have been eager to come." My voice is venomous, full of sarcasm and I know it’s unfair because none of what happened in my parent’s backyard is Jared’s fault and he means well, but it’s all too much; his kindness and his sweet smile and those eyes that are looking right through me and see so much that it scares me.

Jared flinches, as if my words cut him like a knife, and probably, they have. “I’m sorry," he stutters, letting go of my hand at once, as if the touch burned him. Biting his lower lip, Jared shifts uncomfortably on the sofa and it’s clear, he wants to be somewhere else, anywhere else than here with me, where he has to face the past, like I had to face it in the last few days along with plenty of uncomfortable truths. I almost feel sorry for him.

"Jay. Bad things sometimes happen. It sucks, but it’s life." I sound tired and suddenly, I am. So tired of all of this. Not of Jared, but of life itself, of struggling day in, day out, waiting and hoping for better periods, yet knowing that a low follows every high. "Be honest with yourself, Jay. Would you have come if I had called?" I don’t expect Jared to answer but I’m sure, he would have dropped me like a hot potato and I would not have blamed him. Other people had, people I was much closer with at that time than with an old co-star who had long stopped being a friend. "Or think if it would have been the other way around. If you were lying in the hospital, being paralyzed after a stupid accident, would you have called me, Jay? Someone you haven’t seen in six years? Someone who avoided you when it all ended?"

Suddenly, Jared seems very small and I know the answer, even before he shakes his head and I’m weirdly thankful for his honesty. I don’t want Jared to lie to me, thinking it’s for my own good while in reality; it’s the worst he could do. “Jen, perhaps… I should go," Jared offers. "Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all."

As much as I wanted Jared to go away the second he rang the doorbell, it’s not what I want now and I bury my head in my hands, shaking it. Shit. Why does this have to be so complicated? "No. Please don’t go. Stay," I mumble before looking up, right into those big, confused eyes. "I’m glad you’re here, I really am. Nothing changes that, not even the accident and believe me, it changed a lot." I flash Jared a smile, but I know it’s askew and not happy at all. "I’m sorry, man. What happened is not your fault. The way I treated you wasn’t nice."

The awkwardness between us eases instantly, with Jared smiling and shifting a little closer again. Only now do I realize he actually slid away a little. I really must have hurt or scared him. "I’d love to stay." He nods enthusiastically. "And don’t be sorry, Jen. You went through so much shit; you have every right to be angry and bitter. I don’t blame you, Jen."

"I did," I agree quietly, more to myself than Jared, glad that I once more got a reason to justify my mood swing. Angrily, I rub my eyes before the first tear can escape as I remember the desperation I was in after the docs had told me the truth, the pain I was in after all those surgeries I needed to give me control over my bladder and bowel again, the long painful months of rehabilitation, learning how to handle the wheelchair. The look in Mom’s eyes when she saw me sitting in the wheelchair for the first time, the look in my Dad’s eye when he had to carry me upstairs into old my bedroom because I’d never climb those stairs. The feeling of loneliness when some buddies turned their backs on me and when Alice, my girlfriend broke up with me because she didn’t want to care for a cripple for the rest of her life. And the darkness in my heart that hasn’t really left me in that time, the desperation I am sometimes still in, the feeling of being useless and a burden to everyone, although I can do so much on my own.

“Are you okay now, Jensen?" Jared asks. His voice sounds from afar, from another world, but it’s seeping with concern.

“You mean apart from the fact that I’m a cripple?"

Jared flinches at the name, like Mackenzie does and everyone close in my family who think I should think higher of myself. Maybe that’s a good sign. Maybe my old friend sees more in me than the obvious, more in me than I can see in myself.

I shrug. I’m probably not, with my mood swings and the self-loathing, but at least, my body is healthy, as healthy as a broken body can be. "On the whole, I’m good, Jared. There are good days and bad days, but I manage." It’s more than I normally admit and Jared nods, moistening his lips, as if he wants to prepare himself for the next question, but I cut him off before he can. “Jay, please don’t be mad, but let’s change the subject, okay? My accident and the disability, it’s just something I’m not comfortable talking about," I admit. "You know the rough facts and if there is something else, you can ask another day, okay?"

“Okay. I understand. But you shouldn’t be ashamed, Jen.”

Am I so obvious? I didn’t know, always believed that I hide it well, that I convinced most people, only my sister and her husband being the exception. It’s creepy how well Jared still knows me. “Man, I know you mean well, but please, don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t be. You aren’t in my shoes, Jay and I hope you’ll never be."

“No, I’m not.” Jared smiles a little sad smile. "But once, Jen -"

“I’m fine, Jay. I really am," I cut him off; because I don’t want to hear what else he has to say. "Like I said, as fine as I can be." Maybe, one day, if there is a future for us, I will confide in Jared again, but at the moment, I just can’t share those dark thoughts with him.

“What about you and Genevieve?” I ask before Jared can say something else regarding my health or my disability. “Having a whole football team of kids?”

Darkness creeps over Jared’s face and I know the answer even before Jared tells me. “No. Gen and I, we got a divorce years ago, about three years after we got married. It just… didn’t work out." Jared shrugs and he looks surprisingly indifferent about it. "More or less from the beginning. You wouldn’t know because, you know how it was between us back then."

I know what it was like. Our friendship lay in ruins and Jared would never have told me about something as personal as his marital problems. I nod, but I don’t offer my sympathy because it would be a big fat lie and Jared deserves something better. “Are you with someone, Jay? Or just too busy for a relationship?" It’s pretty personal and I hope he doesn’t mind me asking.

“Well… yeah… kind of. This might come as a surprise to you, Jen… but em," Jared takes a deep breath, blushing a little, "I’ve been dating this guy back home in San Antonio for a while now.”

Surprise is an understatement. I’m totally shocked because, despite all of those looks and touches and the highly significant moments between us, when maybe, something might have happened between us, I never really expected it. "This is a surprise, man. So, have you ever been gay? Genevieve, was she just your beard?" Somehow it’s important that I know. I need to know if Jared really loved her or if it was just fake for the sake of his career.

"I like to call myself bi, Jensen. I like both sexes. When we met I was more into girls and now I’m more into men; which probably answers the other question, too. No matter how it ended between Genevieve and I, there was a time I loved her. She was a real girlfriend and wife, not a beard."

I know, I have to come out to Jared now, too, something I didn’t plan on. But I can’t hide it any longer, not when Jared spoke so openly about it. "Jay? I’m -"

He cuts me off with an impatient gesture. "I know, Jen." He laughs. "But thanks, for finally confirming my suspicions."

Hiding my face inside my hands, I shake my head in disbelief. "You knew?"

"Unlike you, my friend, my gaydar always worked quite well. I was never positive, but pretty sure you might be."

"If you knew, Jay, why didn’t you come out earlier?" I just have to know. Maybe it was this, this little secret, that changed everything.

He answers with a counter question. "Why didn’t you tell me, Jen?" His words are free from any blame, just curious.

"I thought you were straight, Jared and I was worried, so worried that you’d push me away. I trusted you man, you know that, but we were so close, maybe too close and I was worried that the truth would change it, that maybe you’d stop liking me." A sad laugh escapes my throat because in the end, my fears came true anyways. "Your turn now," I prompt.

"Several reasons, Jensen. I was young when we met and so insecure. For a while, I thought it was just a phase, didn’t want to admit my sexuality to myself. And when I finally did, I had the same worries as you, man. Like I said, I never was 100% sure that you were into men and the way you were raised... I was just worried that something would change, Jen. I didn’t want to risk our friendship or jobs."

"It happened anyways," I say sadly. I remember the promise I made earlier and don’t expect Jared to tell me the truth, like he had called it, now, but fact is, we both tried so hard to protect our friendship, holding back important information and in the end, it didn’t matter.

Jared doesn’t deny it. "I know, man. And I’m sorry. But it’s another story for another day." Jared sounds downhearted and I know, whatever happened, he lost control over it and never wanted it to happen in the first place. “So, are you okay with it, Jen? Are we good?" There’s hope in Jared’s face and that candle in my heart burns a bit brighter. I still can’t really believe it but it sounds like Jared wants a second chance, as much as I do.

“Course I’m okay with it, Jay. How could I not, being bi myself? But we are far from good yet, Jay. There’s still so much to talk about on both our sides before I think we’ll be good again.”

Jared looks like I punched him, but then he sighs, realizing that I’m right. "You’re probably right. There’s a lot to talk about, Jen. A lot to explain. Things to look back on and reappraise. But do you think we’ll be good again one day?”

“Do you want us to be, Jay?” I just have to ask. So many people let me down and I really need to be sure that Jared wants this, that he knows what he is getting into when he is friends with me and that things will be different than they used to be.

He doesn’t hesitate one second. “Yeah.”

“Why would you like to be friends with someone like me, Jay? I’m damaged goods."

"I know, the accident, it changed you, Jensen. In more than the obvious way. But despite of all these changes, you’re still the man who was my best friend. I know I screwed up - big time. What happened, it was my fault, not yours. I know what I did was inexcusable. But please, Jensen, believe me when I tell you that even when the show was over, I didn’t forget you. You will understand when I tell you the whole story, but there was always this part of my heart that belonged to you. And I know it sounds unbelievably sappy and I shouldn’t say it, but it’s the truth. I missed you every single day and I’d be honored to be your friend again, Jen."

Wow, I don’t know what to say. I didn’t expect it, not really. It’s hard to believe, but Jared sounded so genuine and the way he looks at me, frank and hopeful, tells me it’s really the truth. He means it and he wants this. "It will be different, Jared," I say carefully. "I’m a paraplegic. There’s things I can’t do."

"I don’t want to climb Mount Everest with you, Jen. I just want to be your friend."

"It’s even something as simple as going to the movies, Jay," I add. "I want to be your friend, too, but I need you to understand that my whole life has changed with the accident and that things are not that easy."

Once more, his hand touches my own and a pleasant sparkle runs through my arm. "I know that, Jen. But maybe, we just should find out what we can do and cannot do? I’m ready for it. Are you?"

I nod. "Sounds like a great adventure."

Gently, Jared squeezes my hand. "It will be. So, where were we?" He scratches his head. "Yeah, our marriages. What about you and Danneel? I didn’t see her on your birthday."

"She wasn’t there. Haven’t seen her for ages. We divorced, too. It was years before the accident happened. We were having problems. We just weren’t meant for living together. It was fine while being in Vancouver, but the moment I was back, living permanently with her -" I roll my eyes, remembering how it used to be, all those stupid disagreements about random things.

"And after her?" Jared asks curiously.

"For a while, I stayed single and then I met Alice. She was one of Mac’s friends, no one from the business. We dated for almost three years. Then the accident happened and she left me." Hiding my real emotions, I sound as neutral as possible because talking about it still hurts. I trusted her, was sure she’d support me, but instead, she left me, with a text. "I was a burden, a physical wreck, and I think she didn’t want to care for me for the rest of her life. Ever since, I’ve been alone. It just isn’t easy to find someone who’s willing to love you if you are like me.”

"Jen, I’m -"

“Don’t, Jay.“ I cut him off with a gesture of my hand. "I don’t even blame her. It was a shock because I trusted her and the way she did it was shitty, just writing a text, but like I said, I was in a bad state then. And you won’t believe how shallow most people are. They want to be with someone whole and healthy, with someone attractive, with someone they can climb Mount Everest with if they want to, and I can’t offer any of it anymore."

"I don’t know what to say," Jared exhales sadly, shaking his head.

"You don’t have to say anything, Jay. Just make it better."

Smiling broadly, he nods enthusiastically, looking like the kid I loved so much. “What are you doing nowadays, Jen?" Jared changes the subject and I’m grateful he does because there is nothing else to say about Alice and the likes of her. "Are you living here with your sister?"

“I’m sure you can guess that my acting career ended the day I had the accident. It’s okay though. I don’t need to work, there’s enough money left, I’m well supplied. Once in a while, I work with Steve or Jason, just for the fun of it. And I’m actually living in Dallas.

“With your parents?” Jared asks with big eyes.

"Gosh no. Not anymore." I shudder palpably. The weeks I had to stay with them before my new house was finished were difficult enough. "My parents are great, don’t get me wrong, but when it was clear that I would never walk again, I sold my place in LA and bought a house in Dallas. It’s close to my parents, but I’m on my own and I need my independence. I have a housekeeper for the hard stuff, but I try to do as much as possible on my own. I’m not completely helpless."

"Good for you. Aren’t you -"

The rest of Jared’s question gets lost because Mackenzie is knocking on the door. "Guys," she says as she opens it a little, "I hate to disturb you, but it’s dinner time."

Glancing at my watch, I notice it’s true. It’s 6:30, exactly the time David comes home and my sister puts dinner on the table. "Wow. Can’t believe how fast time flew by."

Jared looks surprised too, even a little sad that it’s over. "I should go then," Jared says, but I know that look, know he wants to stay.

"No!" I exclaim. "You don’t have to. I’m sure, there is enough pasta, even for your ginormous appetite, isn’t there, Mac?"

I know my sister. Know that she already made some extra helpings when she noticed that things between Jared and me weren’t going too badly and she doesn’t disappoint me. "Sure. You’re very welcome to stay, Jared."

"Really?" Not sure if we mean it, he looks from me to my sister and back again, but we both smile encouragingly.

"Sure, man. Please stay. It’s good to have you here and far too early to say goodbye."

"True. So yeah, I’d love to stay."

"Awesome." Mackenzie says. "So, the dining room is over there." She opens the door completely, pointing at the door. "You go ahead, and Jensen and I, we -"

“Mac," I say softly. "That’s fine. Jared can do it."

Her eyes widen in surprise and I don’t blame her. I’m very picky when it comes to accepting help and it’s not much anyways, but the thing is, I need to test Jared. I need to know if he can do it, fetching the wheelchair and opening it and watching me get in, without flinching or averting his eyes, or his face being a mask of pity. I need to know that he really meant what he said.

"What can I do?" Jared asks eagerly while my sister leaves us with a little wave of her hand.

"It’s not much. I just need you to fetch the wheelchair and open it for me. It’s behind the sofa."

"Sure," he says. I watch him getting up and walking around the sofa, carrying the wheelchair over to where I sit. He looks at it, wondering how to open it, but since it’s not rocket science, he figures it out soon enough.

"Do you need any help getting in?" Jared asks, looking from me to the wheelchair and back again.

"Thanks, but no. See, the armrests are low, I can just heave myself into the seat." I feel Jared’s eyes on me as I do it and feel strangely exposed. Yet, it is what I wanted, him not looking away.

Releasing a long, shaky breath, he sits down on the sofa again. "It feels weird, seeing you sitting in this thing, Jen. Knowing that you need it." His honesty takes my breath away. Never before had any of my friends said it aloud even though I bet, they had all thought it. He gently places his hand on my knee, moving his thumb over the material of my pants. "You really don’t feel it, do you?"

"No, I don’t. But I see it, Jay. Right now, that’s enough." I take Jared’s hands and suddenly, Jared is close, holding on to me and I hold on to him. It’s balm on my soul, much better than anything Jared could ever say and for some heartbeats, it takes all the pain away. It’s like it used to be, just Jared and I and for a few, glorious moments, it doesn’t matter that I’m damaged goods.

We only let go of each other when Mackenzie peeks through the door that’s slightly ajar, coughing a little. "Guys? I hate to disturb the love fest, but the pasta is getting cold. You should come."

“Yeah, we should," Jared says, slowly letting go. Mackenzie is already gone when Jared leans down, whispering almost conspiratorially, "You’ll be good, Jen. I promise. We both will be."

***

Two hours, two helpings of pasta and ice cream and two glasses of red wine later, Jared announces that it’s time for him to leave because he has an early call on set the next morning.

He says goodbye to David and Sarah and thanks Mackenzie for the delicious cooking and her hospitality, thankfully accepting a box of the homemade cupcakes with sparkling eyes before looking over to where I’m sitting at the table, playing with my napkin.

“I’ll see you to the door, Jay," I say quietly, not wanting to say goodbye to Jared in front of my family.

"Sure." Opening the door for me, Jared lets me lead the way and I see him reaching out his hands, hesitating and probably wondering if I’m okay with him offering help.

"It’s okay, Jay." I say, turning my head enough to look at him. "I can do it on my own, but if you like, you can push the wheelchair. I won’t complain, it’s hard work."

He smiles, putting his hands on my shoulders quickly, like Mackenzie does so often when she pushes the wheelchair, before taking the handles and pushing me through the hallway and out into the cool night.

“Thanks for coming, Jay. I know you’re busy. Thanks for making the time to see an old friend."

He squats down to be at eye-level with me. “Don’t mention it. I’m happy, for having the chance in the first place, Jen."

I brush it away. "At first, I didn’t want to," I admit. "Mac persuaded me. But I’m glad she did. I’m glad I called. I’m going to see you again, won’t I?"

“Sure you will, Jen." He takes my hand. "Soon. I owe you my own story."

He stands up and comes real close. Leaning down, Jared places a small, tender kiss on my forehead. His lips, soft and warm, linger there for a moment and waves of warmth run through my body and if I could feel them, my legs would be all wobbly. “Take care, Jen. See you.”

“Bye, Jay," I exhale, lifting my hand in a gesture of goodbye and watching him go to his rental car. My eyes follow the red taillights until they vanish in the darkness.

“Everything alright?” Mackenzie asks gently. I’ve been so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t hear her coming outside and I’m sure, I’ve been sitting here for a while now, not noticing the cold, still feeling Jared’s lips on my skin and my hand in his.

“Yeah, I’m good." For once, it’s not even a lie.

"I’m happy for you, Jen," Mackenzie says softly, pushing me towards the front door.

"Mac, did you know about Jared being bi?"

"So, he finally told you. I’ve known for a while. Megan once told me. You came out to Jared, too, didn’t you?"

"Yeah. No need to keep it a secret any longer. Why did you never tell me, Mac?"

"What? That I’m still in touch with Megan once in a while, or that Jared is bi?"

"Both, I think."

“Why should I have? You weren’t friends anymore, Jensen. We all avoided the subject of Jared. I admit, I thought it was better if you didn’t know that Megan and I stayed in touch. And Jared’s sexuality, I didn’t think it was of any importance to you. Is it important to you, hon?" She asks curiously. "Does it change something? I remember what you told me and -"

"Mac, it doesn’t make a difference. It’s in the past. Jared is in a relationship and even if he wasn’t, I doubt he loves me like that or ever can. It’s okay, though," I say before Mackenzie can object. "If I get Jared back as a friend, I’m the happiest I can be."

"You already have him back, honey. He wants this as much as you do. So," she changes the subject, "how about a movie night?"

I love hanging out with Mackenzie and David, but right now, I need peace and quiet. "Not tonight, Mac. Tonight, I need to be on my own."

She nods in understanding, hugs me goodnight and then I’m finally alone. I draw back to my room, switch on my laptop and do something I haven’t done since Jared and I parted ways. I google Jared’s name, getting millions of hits. For hours, I look at photos of Jared or videos on YouTube, learning more about his career and realizing that I missed all this, being a part of his life as his best friend, just because I didn’t fight hard enough.

4

One day blurs into the next and there is no news from Jared; no text, no call, no mail, just nothing. Disappointment and sadness takes a hold of me. I had high hopes that Jared and I could have this second chance, but him not calling confirms my worst fears. It was all show, an act, like one of his movies. There’s no need for him to stay in touch; he has enough friends, friends who are whole and healthy, not useless like I am.

It feels like every day without news from Jared pushes me deeper into this hole of darkness and neither the sunny spring weather nor Sarah’s hugs or Mackenzie’s encouraging words can lure me out. Sometimes, I hide in my room, curled into a ball, my arms holding my legs to my chest, crying pathetically because once more, I put my faith in the wrong person.

Then, one not so special day, almost a fortnight after our first meeting, Jared calls. His voice is oozing with guilt when he apologizes for not calling earlier but he explains and it sounds reasonable, not like a white lie. After all, Jared is a busy man, has a job to do, interviews to give, meetings to attend. There is only little time, for any of his friends and I understand, just relieved that he finally called and that I wasn’t wrong about Jared. He makes plenty of time for the call and in the end, he suggests another meeting and invites me out. The feeling that washes over me makes me forget all the pain in the previous days and in the days to follow, I am uncommonly bouncy and smiley.

Finally, Saturday afternoon arrives and I’m ready ahead of time, sitting fully dressed in my wheelchair and waiting for Jared to ring the doorbell. Mackenzie laughs when she sees me like this, all eager at her front door, listening carefully to every sound that seeps through from outside.

"You remind me of a girl waiting for her first date to arrive, Jensen," she teases me gently.

Growling, I throw a punishing look in her direction. "I’m just happy he called and is coming to see me again." Heat is creeping over my cheeks and I look back into my lap before my sister can see it.

"I know you are, hon. I think it’s sweet, how excited you are. You often worry me, Jensen and I’m happy that it puts a smile on your face now, while it freaked you out before."

I swallow hard. Mackenzie has never said it straightforward like this and I feel sorry for worrying her. She really deserves better. Luckily, Jared saves me from giving her an answer because finally, the doorbell rings. "He’s here," I state the obvious, wheeling over to the door and push the button to open it.

Wearing winter gear and a beanie, Jared smiles down at me and he looks exactly like I feel, really really happy. It causes a feeling inside me I haven’t felt for a long time, something like butterflies in my belly, but I ignore it.

"Hey," he says, leaning down to give me a hug. Like always when Jared hugs, it’s tight and wholehearted, and much longer than normal hugs last. I enjoy every second of it, take it all in because I really missed it, being hugged like this

“Hey yourself. It’s really good to see you again, Jay," I whisper, pressing Jared a little closer before letting go.

"You too. Sorry again, for not calling earlier." Jared really looks embarrassed.

He’ll never know that I doubted him and that I was a wreck because he didn’t call and I brush his apology away. "It’s okay. I know you’re a busy man. So, what are we going to do? You made me all curious."

“How about the countryside? We could have a little walk and dinner afterwards," Jared suggests and I know he has planned this for a while, made a reservation and everything.

“Sounds good. But there might be a problem with the walk, you know.”

Jared blushes deeply. "Em, you know, spending -"

"Hey," I cut him off. Poor guy. "It’s okay. Actually, I don’t mind you at all using those words. Most people beat around the bush, weighing every word they might say in my presence or not, just because they’re over-sensitive and want to be politically correct or something. Don’t do it. Talk to me like you’d talk to everyone else. Okay?"

"Okay." Jared smiles broadly. "So, we can go?"

"Yeah, let’s go." Laughing, I follow Jared outside and over to his rental car. It’s different than the one he was driving two weeks ago and when Jared opens the door for me I notice there is no way to get into it on my own, the seats are just too high. "Jay? I need you to help me in."

"Shit. Sure. I asked for a car with a big trunk, because of the wheelchair but I -,"

"Hey, it’s okay. No worries." Poor Jared. "Just lift me up. Like that one time when I was so drunk that you had to carry me into the house."

"You remember that?" Jared laughs heartily. "Even though you were so wasted?"

"Sure. Chad was there. Remember, he took a picture and blackmailed us with putting it on the internet. Are you still in touch with him?"

"With Chad?" Jared asks while he leans down to pick me up. He still is well muscled and I lost some weight since the accident, so it’s easy for him to carry me. "Not really. Can’t remember the last time we talked."

It feels surprisingly safe, not awkward, to be held by Jared like this, his arms strong and warm around me and even after he places me on the passenger seat, I don’t let go for a while.

"You have to let me go, Jen," Jared says after a few moments, but there is a soft, warm tone in his voice and when he leans away from me, there’s a look on his face I can’t really put a name to, though it causes a weird feeling in my belly.

"Sorry," I mumble and I feel myself blushing. I fix my eyes on my feet, and I hear Jared closing the passenger door and putting the wheelchair in the trunk before he climbs into the driver’s seat.

He starts the car and for a while, there is just the music from the radio in the background, and we’re both lost in our own thoughts. Once in a while, I look over to Jared, who has his eyes fixed on the road, driving through the busy traffic until we finally reach the closest Interstate.

"Jen? I know you said it’s okay, but I feel really bad for not calling sooner. You probably thought I changed my mind."

How does he know?

"I heard the relief in your voice, Jen."

It’s creepy, as if he could read my mind. "It’s okay. I wouldn’t have blamed you. I’m used to it, you know?"

“That’s bad enough. But I’m not like them, Jen. You know, I’m far from perfect and I made a good deal of really bad decisions in my life, but I don’t abandon my friends because they’re paralyzed."

"You did it for other reasons, Jay." It’s probably not fair to say, but I can’t help it.

Jared flinches. "Yeah, you’re right. I did it for other reasons." He bites his lip in embarrassment and I wonder when he will finally tell me why he changed his attitude towards me and why he didn’t fight for our friendship when it fell apart.

“People are bound to have prejudices. They see the wheelchair and know that they can’t have a normal relationship with me. You wouldn’t believe how often I went out with Steve and Jason and women or even guys came over to chat me up, but as soon as they noticed the wheelchair, they found some silly excuse to go and never came back. Some were polite enough to stay for a little longer and even asked for my number, but no one ever called. They probably slept on it and noticed that they neither needed nor wanted a boyfriend or a friend who is like me. It’s shallow, Jay, and really, really sad, but I can’t even blame them. I’ve learned to lower my expectations and nowadays, I’m just grateful if someone is friendly enough and sees the person in the wheelchair and not the wheelchair alone.” Surprised how willingly I pour my heart out to Jared, I take a deep breath. The affect he had on me right from the beginning is back. It’s not that I trust Jared unconditionally like I once did, but I know I can tell him these things without him laughing at me and calling me a wuss.

I’m not mistaken. Jared doesn’t laugh at me or call me a wuss. Actually, he doesn’t say a word. Instead, he takes his hand off the steering wheel, slips it into mine and holds it gently while rushing over the road. It’s simple but intimate and much more consoling than anything Jared could have said.

I’ve never loved him more than in this moment, as Jared accepts this new, more self-conscious and broken version of me.

***

Finally, we arrive at our destination and Jared drives into one of the many free parking spaces. The restaurant is a historical building, surrounded by forests of firs and leaf trees, looking really luxurious.

I whistle appreciatively. "Nice place. Been here before?"

“Yeah, a few times. The food’s really delicious, I’m sure you’ll love it."

I didn’t eat anything the whole day. I’m never hungry in the morning and I skipped lunch because I was far too giddy to eat. Now though, I feel that hole in my stomach. "Sounds awesome. Actually, I’m starving."

"You look like it, too," Jared says carefully as he opens my door.

There’s no way to deny the obvious. "Yeah. Sometimes, I’m just not hungry anymore. Maybe it’s because I don’t move around. I mean, moving the wheelchair is hard work, Jay, but sometimes, I simply forget to eat and if I don’t, something small is enough."

"Not when you’re with me, Jen," he says as he wraps his left arm around my shoulder and puts his right beneath my knees to pick me up. "I’ll help you get better, if you let me." His voice is very soft, almost conspiratorial.

"That a promise?" I ask equally softly as Jared carefully puts me down into the wheelchair.

"It is." He smiles. "Are you comfortable, Jen? Do you need anything? A blanket maybe?"

It’s really sweet, how caring Jared is. "I’m good, Jay. I just need the gloves to move this thing. They’re in the small bag fixed to the backrest."

"I can push you," Jared says eagerly while opening the back door and pulling out a blanket, despite my words. "I um, don’t want you to get sick," he explains as he puts it over my legs, wraps my feet into it and presses it against my body. I can’t feel any of Jared’s touches and I wish so much I could, but like when he touched my knee, it’s enough to see it, to know that Jared’s doing this for me, that he cares and that he isn’t scared of touching me.

"Thanks Jay," I say as I wheel away from the car. "And I think you’ll really have to push me if you don’t give me my gloves. It hurts after a while."

He locks up the car, hurrying over to where I wait for him. "Gosh, sorry, man." He says, handing me the gloves. "Here."

Yet, even before I can put them on, Jared takes the handles and pushes me over to the edge of the forest. "There is a path, sort of a round walk, hopefully not too muddy. Takes maybe an hour or so. That okay?"

It’s nice out here, with the sun shining, the birds twittering and the signs of spring everywhere and to be honest, I’d go with Jared anywhere, just to be with him again. "Sure. Sounds good. Even better if some food awaits us later."

Jared laughs. "Lots of it."

Comfortable silence spreads between us. It’s good to be outside, to feel the soft wind rustling through my hair and the sun kissing my face. Most of all, it feels good to be with Jared again. It’s almost like it used to be, when we didn’t have to speak to communicate, when a look or a touch or a movement of our head was enough to tell the other what was going on.

“Jen?” Jared says eventually, and he sounds uncommonly insecure. Maybe he’s going to ask me something about the accident or my handicap. "I’m going to tell you what happened, but can you please do me a favor?"

I didn’t expect it. Not that fast. Yet, I’m relieved. The sooner Jared tells me, the better because I believe that only once the truth’s been told can we look into this future we both want. "Sure. Anything you want."

"I ask you to hear me out and stay calm. I’m not sure how you’ll react and maybe, if things were different, you’d want to hit me and leave, but I’d really love to explain, even though I probably deserve a punch."

That doesn’t sound good. Why does Jared think that I might want to leave? Queasiness spreads through my belly and I want Jared to get it over with as quickly as possible. "Okay," I promise. "But Jay, in return, please promise me to take me home if I want you to. Don’t take advantage of my disability, and be fair and take me home if I ask you to, okay?"

"You just need to say the word, Jen, and I’ll take you back to your sister’s."

"Thanks, man. So, tell me, Jared, what happened?"

"I don’t even know where to begin, Jen," Jared breathes out, sounding a little helpless.

“It’s a lot to get out, but maybe, just tell me the most important thing first, the true reason. Everything else will come on its own, Jay. And don’t be worried. I’m no monster, dude. Whatever it is, I won’t kill you, and your face is far too pretty to punch."

A snort escapes Jared’s throat, but for a while, nothing else. He takes his time and I don’t push him. A few minutes more won’t change a thing and I don’t blame him, either. Whatever it is, it must be hard to finally admit it after all these years.

“I fell in love with you, Jen," Jared eventually breathes out and his voice is shaking so much that I barely hear it.

I draw in my breath, slowly releasing it while shaking my head in both surprise and disbelief. I don’t know what I expected, but certainly not this. Not even after Jared came out to me, I never once believed that he might have fallen for me. But now, as the truth is out, it makes sense. It’s like finally finding the last missing piece of a puzzle and seeing the whole picture. It explains Jared’s distance, why he couldn’t tell me what was wrong and avoided me, maybe because he was too scared I might find out, or maybe because he hoped it’d go away if he treated me less friendly. For the first time in my life, I’m grateful that I’m sitting in this hated wheelchair, that Jared’s pushing me carefully over the path and that he can’t see my face, the shock that is slowly chased away by a much, much stronger feeling: pain. Something as strong and beautiful as love destroyed the most wonderful friendship of all. “Why me, Jay?" I can’t believe that Jared would really love someone like me, even someone like the old me. Sure, we were best friends, but still, we were so different, and he knew all my faults, how grumpy I sometimes was and the diva that I could be.

“You were just perfect, Jensen. Everything I ever wished for, all in one. My best friend, my soul mate. Sweet and kind, funny and generous. I even loved you when you were grumpy and sleepy and in a bad mood. Sexy, attractive, so damn gorgeous and beautiful. I never loved a person more than you," Jared says quietly, yet his voice is strong and full of the love he once felt for me.

My chest tightens and time stands still while Jared’s words slowly sink in. For a while, I even forget to breathe. Jared was in love with me. My male best friend fell in love with me, but instead of telling me, he screwed up. How did it come to this? "Why didn’t you tell me, Jay? I was your best friend."

"I’m sorry, Jensen, that I didn’t trust you enough. It was for the same reason why I never told you I was bi and for another. I never expected you to love me back, and I wanted to spare us both this awkwardness. I was scared that if you knew, you’d turn your back on me, would be scared that I’d try to chat you up, seduce you and turn you into something you didn’t want."

Sighing deeply, I rub one of my hands over my face, a helpless attempt to find some of my composure again. "You never did, Jared. You were great. The best friend I ever had; always there for me. I never felt uncomfortable around you, you know this. I loved being with you, enjoyed every single facet our friendship had, Jay. It was special."

A dry sob escapes Jared’s throat. “I hoped I’d fall out of love again. First I thought it was nothing but a crush. When I realized it was so much more, I freaked out and while it was such a good feeling, being in love with you, I wanted it to go away so badly. Sometimes it happens if you just, you know, avoid the other person a little. But it didn’t work. Instead what started with a little distance drew us apart and even when you asked, I couldn’t tell you, Jensen. I still hoped that somehow, we’d be good and I didn’t want to destroy what we still had."

“It didn’t help," I exhale with frustration. "Everything was slowly falling apart."

“And I’m to blame, Jen," Jared admits. "Just me."

Maybe, Jared played the bigger part in what happened, but I’m not innocent. "That’s not true, Jay. In every conflict, there are at least two parties, and everyone plays their part. I should have been more persistent. I should have fought for our friendship, Jared. But I didn’t. I gave up far too soon, for stupid reasons. Yet I knew something was bothering you, something that had to do with me. I should have pushed you. Maybe -"

"That’s nice of you, Jen," Jared interrupts me gently. "You tried and I’ll be forever thankful for that. But we’ll never know. It happened. I was scared, insecure and such a coward and I’m not sure if I would have told you, even if you had pushed me and dug deeper and deeper."

"If you were in love with me," I say quietly, and it really feels weird, saying it, makes the whole thing even more real, "why did you marry Genevieve? I thought she was the reason, you know? I thought she replaced me and you didn’t need me anymore since you had her."

A hurtful sound escapes Jared’s lips. "I’m so sorry, Jen, for hurting you like this. I never wanted you to feel like this, but I was so thoughtless." He sniffs once, but I don’t turn my head to see if my friend is crying. "And Genevieve, I never told her, but maybe she knew. She never really liked you, Jensen and she tried to turn me against you. It was little things. But I liked her, was in love with her for a while and she was what I was hoping and looking for. A distraction. But compared with what I felt for you, Jen, it was nothing. Never again did I love someone like you, Jen."

Hearing those words, the nicest someone has probably ever said to me, a shiver runs through my body. "Jay, I don’t know what to say," I stammer stupidly because I want to say something though I really can’t think what.

“You don’t need to say anything, Jensen. I don’t want to blind or charm you with compliments. It’s just how it is and I want you to understand, even though it is hard to understand, I know it. The truth would have been so much better and looking back, it would maybe have been much easier, too."

"Looking back, sometimes a lot of things are easier or better. Believe me, every day in the past two years my parents wish that they had called the company to get rid of the broken tree," I say sadly. "There are a lot of decisions we have to make in our lives, Jay. Sometimes they’re right, sometimes they’re wrong, sometimes we know it at once, sometimes we never do. That’s life, Jay.

Jared hums sadly and I wish I could do something for him, something other than my wise words or staying calm.

"Jay? Remember that last time I tried to talk to you? When Season Six started? We had long stopped being friends. You could have told me then."

Jared laughs dryly. "Yeah, I could have, but somehow I doubt you would have believed me. I didn’t really treat you like I was in love with you, did I? I treated you like shit," Jared spits out, full of disgust for himself. "Besides, I had lost my faith, in myself and in you and I was worried that you’d take revenge and spread it around. I knew you were bitter."

"I was, Jared. But you should have known better, after all we meant to each other. I would never have revealed such a secret." It hurts that Jared thought I could have been mean enough to do something like this. My best friend.

“I’m sorry." Jared sounds miserable.

“Don’t be. Sometimes, things like this happen, even in the best of friendships. Things like this happen, when you forget to talk to each other, when you forget to trust and when you’re afraid of losing one another. I think we both tried far too hard to protect our friendship. We meant too well."

Jared sniffs again and I’m quite sure, he’s crying, but I don’t turn around to find out. Later, when this is over, I will make all the time Jared needs to comfort him, if he needs it. “So, you’re not mad?" Jared asks and there is a hint of hope in it and I understand how scared he must have been, then and now.

“No Jay, I’m not. Not anymore. I wish none of this happened and losing you and our friendship, it really broke my heart. But I stopped being mad at you a very long time ago. Eventually all this anger was replaced by sadness and longing. I really, really missed you, my friend."

"You could have called, Jen," Jared says quietly.

"I’m quite sure I didn’t call for the same reason you didn’t either, Jay. We’re both proud. And stupid. Then time passed and eventually the day came when it was too late. And after the accident, Jared, I never would have called you. No need to burden you with me."

"You’re no burden, Jen," Jared says gently and his finger strokes over my ear. It’s a barely there touch, but it runs deep through my heart. And it’s so weird because Mackenzie, Josh and Mom, even Steve, they all said it at some point, but I’ve never wanted to believe it more than right now. "Sometimes, I wanted to call. I was so close," Jared adds. "But I was such a coward."

"We met anyway, Jay. Despite our pride and fear, we met again. So maybe, in the end, nothing was destroyed. Not really. Just put to a halt. We have this second chance now, to be friends again. We both want it."

"Friends?" Jared’s voice oozes with hope and affection. "You don’t want me to bring you home?"

"Eventually I want you to bring me home, Jay. But not now. And when you do, I really hope I’ll see you again. You know, I think there are worse things in the world than falling in love with me."

Jared laughs, sniffs and sobs, all at the same time and I finally turn around, looking into a face reddened by big, transparent blotches and it’s weird to know that I made Jared cry again.

“C’mere, Jay." The ground is cold, stony and muddy, but Jared doesn’t seem to see or care as he kneels down, close enough that I can press his head against my chest and hold him tight. He cries like a baby, sniffing and sobbing deeply like I have done so often in the past. I do what my loved ones did for me, holding Jared as tight as I can and whispering sweet nothings while stroking my fingers over his neck, up and down, round and round.

Eventually, Jared lets go and, smiling happily underneath all his tears, he reaches out, stroking his fingers over my cheek. Only as he does this do I notice that I cried, too. Not as hard or much as my friend, but I shared his pain with him because it is my pain as well, and his joy, because we both have each other back.

"Are we good now, Jen?" Jared asks hopefully.

"I think we’re very close to being awesome, Jay." I smile and I know; we found a lot of our friendship again today.

***

We spend a wonderful, funny evening together, talking about those good old times, but also catching up on some things about our lives in the past eight years. Jared admits that he followed my acting career. That he got to see each of the many movies I shot in the first five years after Supernatural, before I took a year off, before the accident happened.

“I was worried when there wasn’t any news of you, Jen. Scared that something really bad happened to you.”

“Something really bad did happen to me, Jay," I say, forcing my voice to stay neutral.

“Yeah," Jared says thoughtfully. "I wish I had known, Jen. I’m sure my sister knew, but she wouldn’t tell me. She said you were fine and I believed her."

“I bet my sister made her promise not to tell anyone. And it’s a relief Megan did. I would have killed Mackenzie if I had known she had told your sister and Megan told you. I was miserable back then and I wouldn’t have wanted you to get in touch with me again because you felt bad for me or because you thought it was your duty or some shit, for old times’ sake."

"I still wish I had known, Jen. I wasn’t prepared for it," Jared admits and I appreciate how frank he is.

"You can never be prepared for something like this, Jay. It’s something you don’t expect. And I honestly believe there is barely anything someone can do or say which is right, which doesn’t hurt at least a bit. But you did well enough, Jay. You’re still doing exceptionally well. You’re a good friend."

Jared’s lips part to smile. “Jen, why did no one know about the accident? You were very popular; your movies were really good. Things like this always hit the news, man. How come no one knew? Or did I just miss the news?"

“I had taken a break for almost a year when it happened and once it was clear that no surgery in the world would give me my mobility back, I told my agent to keep his mouth shut. He respected my wish, didn’t even release a statement about me retiring. I’m sure, a lot of people still wonder what happened to me, but so far, no one’s found out. When you’re sitting in a wheelchair, Jay, no one really notices you. You’re below most people’s eye level and like I said before, most people see just the wheelchair, not the person who’s sitting in it. And no one expected the actor Jensen Ackles to be bound to a wheelchair, so no one recognized me. And sunglasses, a scruff look and a beanie help, too."

“It must be hard," Jared says softly and I know, he is sorry for me, like everyone else it, but it is still different. It is genuine pity and the wish that it had not happened to me in the first place, something I wish often, too.

“Sometimes, it is, Jay. But it’s getting better. It’s been two years in a few days and while it’s sometimes hard, I try to cope."

“I’m sure you do and I’m sure you will."

He reaches out and gently brushes my fingers; not minding that we’re in public and that there’s a pretty waitress who quite probably knows who he is and that he’s showing his affection openly. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside and brings a smile to my face that feels happier and more real than most of the smiles I forced myself to smile in the past two years put together.

5

Spring comes and goes and each day blurs into the next, with me finally going home to Dallas, living my own life, trying and struggling and fighting, but there is still a big difference because Jared is a part of my life again. He’s a busy man, yet, at least once a week, he calls or at least sends a text or an email, sometimes long, sometimes short, but always something that cheers me up and makes me smile. And whenever I call him, he calls back as soon as he can, even if it’s just for five minutes.

On the whole, I’m much better than I’ve been since the accident. Sure, there are downs, but mostly, I’m fine, working out with my personal trainer, writing some songs or just enjoying life as well as I can. I know, most of it is Jared’s making. Having him back gives me a boost I so far have been missing, and whatever I can do to get better I do because I don’t want Jared to be disappointed.

***

Then, one very hot day in August, while the sun is setting in wonderful red and golden colors and the smell of the neighbor’s barbecue is whiffing over to the patio where I’m sitting with my ginger cat Rufus on my lap, the doorbell rings. Furrowing my brow in question, I shove Rufus off my thighs, and move into the hallway to have a look at the security camera’s screen. I don’t expect anyone, but sometimes, Mom or Josh come over unannounced. Instead of them though, I see long hair and a very familiar, smiling face that looks around curiously.

My heart skips a beat before pure joy and excitement spreads through me. Jared came to see me! As quickly as possible, I wheel over to open the front door. “Jay!" I call, even before the door is completely open. "Wow, I can’t believe you’re here!"

"That’s me, full of surprises!" Jared smiles broadly, looking very satisfied with himself. "Hello old friend," he says softly before squatting down to pull me into one of his bear hugs. It’s a long hug, long enough for me to feel his breath against my neck and his strong arms around me, to smell his aftershave and his sweat. It feels like coming home. "I’m on my well earned vacation and was visiting my parents. To tell you the truth, it was boring after a couple of days and then I remembered you, man. You don’t mind, do you?"

"Never." I squeeze Jared before finally loosening my grip around him. "It’s awesome to have you here, but you should have called, man. I could have filled the fridge and prepared a room. You’re going to stay, aren’t you?" I add, not sure if Jared really wants to stay with me. Maybe he prefers a hotel room; maybe he is leaving on the last flight and just dropped by for five minutes.

"Sure I’m going to stay. For as long as you want me to." Jared laughs, but can’t camouflage the sincerity of his tone.

"I doubt you can go on vacation for such a long time." I didn’t really want to say it, it just slips out and Jared looks at me all weirdly, as if he really wouldn’t mind staying for more than just a few days.

"Let me just get my bag, man," Jared explains. I watch him walk over to his rental car, really hoping that I didn’t jinx it. Jared and I, we’re good friends again, yet I don’t want him to feel obliged to keep me company. I want him to be with me because he wants it too, not because he thinks I’m lonely.

"How about I show you around?" I suggest. "Or do you need something in your belly?"

Jared laughs. "I had a burger on my way up to Dallas; I’ll be fine for a while. A short while," he adds, grinning mischievously. "Show me your castle, man. It’s a nice place - very bright, very modern."

“I bought the lot after the accident and had it built for my needs, Jay. It’s completely accessible: wide doors and hallways, smaller closets designed so I can reach everything, an elevator to take me to the second floor, a lot of electricity to make it even easier. It’s not big, but I don’t need a lot of space, so there are only two spare bedrooms upstairs. Mostly, Steve and Jason use them."

Appreciatively, Jared lets his eyes wander over the hallway adorned by the pictures I have taken in their bright frames, and peeks into the rooms downstairs. "It’s really nice, Jen. You even have a pool," Jared notes with a hint of surprise in his voice.

"Swimming is something I can do well with the water carrying me," I explain, shrugging almost imperceptibly since it’s no big thing. "It’s part of my work out program. I use it almost daily."

Rufus comes into the house, announcing his arrival with a meow that demands attention. "You have a cat, Jen?" Jared leans down to let Rufus sniff on his fingers before ruffling his fur. "How come you never told me?"

"Never came up, I guess. Besides, I know you’re more of a dog person."

"Aren’t you, too?" Jared looks up, probably thinking about the dogs Danneel and I had and how well I got along with Harley and Sadie.

"A cat is easier for me to keep, don’t need to take him for a walk. Besides, Rufus here was a gift. My old neighbor gave him to me, thought I could use the company, and she was right. He’s warm, Jay, and he listens to me and he doesn’t judge me."

"I’m all of these things, too," Jared says and gosh, is he flirting with me?

"Silly. But you can’t purr."

Jared pouts. "You’re right, I can’t. But," his eyes flicker triumphantly, "no one but me gives out these great big hugs. Admit it."

He’s around me in an instant, almost crushing my bones and suddenly, he is not 37 anymore, but the kid he used to be when we met, goofing around with me, and it makes me so happy that he is not holding back, that he does it, doesn’t walk around me like on eggshells and doesn’t treat me like I’m fragile.

"No," I finally admit, laughing hard. "No one hugs like you, Sasquatch. You’re Mr. Bear Hug."

Whooping jubilantly, Jared squeezes me one last time before he lets go.

"How about you order us something to eat, Mr. Bear Hug and let me prepare your room?" I suggest, glad to have found a reason to be on my own for a while.

"Don’t you need help, Jen?"

I brush it away. "It’s nothing. Just the sheets and some towels. I can do these things, Jay."

He looks a bit guilty. "Sure. So um, some take out? Any menus around?"

"Sure, in the kitchen." I point at a door to the right, standing ajar. "You’ll also find plates and cutlery there and some beverages in the fridge. If you want something else, just order it. I’ll be upstairs."

Only when Jared disappears into the kitchen, do I wheel over to the elevator to go upstairs. I’m still not sure if he really flirted with me, and it wasn’t uncomfortable, just a little weird. I try to remember if Jared did it earlier, when we were co-stars, but I can’t remember. But maybe, he did it all the time and I was just used to it, while now, I’m not. On the other hand, I was sort of flirting, too, wishing that he’d stay with me for a while.

I take sheets and fresh towels from one of the small cupboards in the upper hallway before wheeling into the biggest guestroom, the one that is right next to mine. It’s bright, with the big windows facing the backyard, a big bed dominating the room and a small en-suite bathroom where I put the towels before wheeling over to the bed to change the sheets. I’m halfway through it when I hear Jared’s footsteps coming up the stairs before heading towards the door that stands open.

"Hey," I said. "Found something tasty?"

"Yeah," he replies thoughtfully, placing his bag on the floor and looking at me weirdly.

"Jay? You okay?"

He blushes deeply. "Yeah. Sure, it’s just -." He rubs his hand over his face and looks at me really awkwardly.

"What’s going on, Jay?"

"I’m just... impressed how well you’re doing. How independent you are," he spits out and it’s clear it cost him quite an effort and that he doesn’t know how to react. But it’s Jared and he is outspoken and I think, he learned from his mistake, for not telling me this one, so very important thing that he now tells me everything that comes to his mind.

"Jay, come sit down here for a while," I pat the mattress with its fresh, lavender scented sheet, "and listen to me. And today I ask you to hear me out. Okay?"

Looking at me weirdly, he comes over and sits down next to me, so close that I could take his hand if I wanted to. I do, simply because I’m a princess and I like holding Jared’s hand and because I want to show him that I’m not mad at him. "I know that this," I point at my motionless legs and at the wheelchair, "was a huge shock when you saw me at the restaurant. And I know, it’s still a shock, whenever you see me. And don’t deny it," I add, just in case. "My disability is something visible, so people tend to forget it when they’re calling me, but when they see me, it’s real again. And it’s okay, Jay. It really is. See, Steve and Jason, they’ve been so great since the accident, but whenever we meet, there is this first moment when we say hello when I see pity and shock in their eyes. But," I squeeze Jared’s hand once, "I’m okay now, Jay. I won’t lie to you, because you deserve better and are a smart guy and surely figured it out anyways, I’m not as happy as I used to be. Sometimes, there are bad days with dark, dark thoughts, Jared. I know they would scare you." Jared tightens his hold around my hand. He looks scared and I know he knows what I’m talking about because suddenly, his eyes are swimming in tears and I feel guilty for bringing these tears to his eyes. "But since I met you again, they are rare. I try to think better of me, Jay. You helped me so much already without even knowing it and I will be forever grateful for it. Anyways, the accident happened over two years ago, man. I learned to live with my disability and I have my daily routine and a few tricks that help me to handle things and I don’t need you or anyone else admiring me for changing sheets. Okay?"

Gently, Jared’s fingers play with mine and it’s a sweet, warm gesture, but his eyes are still sad and I already regret that I was so open with him because I know, I will never hear the end of it, and from now on, Jared will probably call every day, just to make sure that I’m still alive and didn’t slit my wrists or something. "Okay."

"Good. You’re still doing very well, Jared," I say because I want to. I want Jared to know how great he is. "You really are my best friend."

A tear dropping onto my hand and a sniff is the only reply before I’m once more wrapped into Jared’s arms. "Three hugs in less than an hour. I think that’s a new record, Jay," I whisper into his ear, "even for us."

"I have to prove that I’m better than Rufus, don’t I?"

"Doofus. You already did. No one is better than you are, Jay." It’s the closest to I love you I ever told him and despite everything that’s happened, it’s the simple truth.

***

Twenty minutes later we’re sitting in front of the TV, having delicious, spicy Chinese food and watching some movie. We are quiet for most of the time, every now and then commenting on something funny or stupid, until Jared asks, quite seriously, “Do you miss it, Jen? Acting?”

I stop the movie because I can’t concentrate on both. “Every day.” I sigh, thinking back to all those movies I shot, the people I worked with, to the earlier days of my career, to the six years of filming Supernatural. “There are things I don’t miss at all,” I laugh, thinking about the prying media, obtrusive paparazzi or very extreme fans, ”but every role was a challenge and I miss socializing. That was one of the best things about acting, working with so many different people, always meeting someone new, someone with more experience, learning from each other."

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s interesting getting to work with actors you haven’t worked with before, especially if it is a real big name and you just turn all fangirl and can’t stop squeeing inside because one of your biggest dreams comes true." Jared laughs and it makes me smile, the picture in my mind pretty vivid, of Jared being all nervous and bouncy because of finally working with one of his heroes.

“Jay, nowadays you’re one of those “big name’s” yourself. You’ve come a long way and you did very well. You grew up and long left Sam behind."

Jared beams. "Thank you, Jen," he says happily, "that means a lot."

Gently, I bump my fist into Jared’s shoulder before I switch on the movie again. We watch it in silence, drink our beers and it’s almost as if no time has passed at all, as if nothing really changed.

***

Some days pass. I ask Jared if there is anything he wants to do, if he wants to go out or to some tourist attractions, but he is happy for the peace and quiet at my place. I don’t object, Jared is my guest and maybe, that’s exactly what he wants and needs, but whenever he declines my suggestions, doubt creeps in and I wonder if perhaps he just doesn’t want to be seen with someone like me.

I don’t mention it, don’t want Jared to see this part of the new me, who doubts and is always a little worried to be left alone.

Yet, Jared and I have a great time together. We spend it mainly outdoors; in the shady parts of the backyard, sometimes quiet, each of us lost to our own thoughts, sometimes reading or listening to music, sometimes talking. There is a lot to catch up on, but mainly, we find ourselves revisiting old times, reliving our glorious moments and my backyard is filled with laughter like never before.

Once in a while, Jared asks me stuff about the accident. It’s no fun to reminisce and whenever I talk about it, I look at my hands, the yellowish-green grass or the colorful flowers the gardener planted, but I never avoid Jared’s questions. My friend asks because he cares, not because he wants me to relive this dark time again and besides, he always gives me a choice to refuse. And as hard as it is, in a way, it even helps. It helps me to see that I’ve come a long way, that I’m by far not the helpless shell I used to be and that, since March, most days are a step forward, not back.

***

Jared has been uncommonly quiet today, only laughing halfheartedly at my jokes. I wonder if he doesn’t know how to tell me that he has to leave or if one of his many questions about my restrictions go a step too far and he ponders whether he can ask or not, but it’s weird this silence, almost unsettling.

"Just spit it out, Jay." I’m sick of waiting and wondering, just want to it get over with, whatever it is, pleasant or not, though I bet, it’s the latter.

"Huh?"

"What’s on your mind, Jay? I know you, I know something’s been bothering you the whole day. Just spit it out. Whatever it is, I won’t eat you alive."

He shifts on his sun lounger, enough to face me. "It’s very personal, Jen," Jared whispers, giving me the option to tell him to back away. I don’t. He’s probably going to ask the sex question and yes, that’s pretty personal, but it’s Jared and it’s not like we never talked about sex before.

"Fire away, Jay. Nothing’s taboo here."

Jared moistens his lips and combs his hands through his long, still slightly wet hair because earlier, we were splashing in the pool. "On my first day here, Jen, you said that you sometimes have very dark thoughts and..." A sniff escapes Jared’s throat.

There is a weird feeling inside me, caused by Jared’s concern and the taboo this subject still is. So far, I’ve told no one, not Mackenzie, not Steve or Jason. I bet they know or at least fear but they never asked me like Jared did just now. It’s a problem, I know it. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge it, but I never sought help either, scared by what a shrink would dig out. "Jay, I -"

"I’m scared for you, Jen," Jared exhales and it is obvious he is, with this sad, miserable look on his face and his hands trembling. "I know you have nightmares, Jen," he whispers, "I hear you moaning in your sleep."

Fuck. I really hoped he hadn’t noticed. "Jay -"

A tear runs down Jared’s cheek. "Please don’t kill yourself, Jen." It’s nothing but a whisper, but it hits me like a bolt of lightning, Jared’s fear for my insignificant life. Suddenly I notice that for Jared, it isn’t. For Jared, like for my folks, like for Steve and Jason, my life means something. And these people should really be enough of a reason to fight.

"Jay, please listen to me." I hold out my hand and he takes it, but it doesn’t seem to be enough for him. He gets up, slips onto my sun lounger that creaks beneath the additional weight, and puts his arm around me, literally spoons me from head to toe. It’s been far too long since another man, another human being actually, held me like this, and shiver after shiver runs through my body. Feeling it, Jared holds me a little tighter, and his hand moves in circles over my chest, warm and wide and very safe. "I’m much better," I say, placing my hand over Jared’s. "I don’t deny it, Jay. I had these thoughts, and maybe, I’ll have them again. But I also have things to hold onto. And whenever it’s too hard, I do just that; holding on to what I still have - my family, my friends - and now I have you to hold on to, too." I squeeze his hand. "The nightmares, Jay, they also got better. More blurry, less cruel, a big difference to how they used to be. I’m positive one day, they will go away."

"Please let me help you, Jen." Jared’s breath grazes my ear and it’s strangely intimate, combined with the way Jared holds me.

"You already helped me a great deal. Really. You probably don’t know how much. You are there, even when you’re not, and you care so much."

"It doesn’t seem to be enough," Jared says sadly.

"It is." Slowly, I turn around because I want to look at my friend. "What you have to understand is that everything changed with the accident. My whole life fell apart, broke into tiny little pieces. I lost my job, my girlfriend, some friends. Most of all though, I lost my self-confidence. I know, a lot of paraplegics live a pretty normal life and I hope that one day, I will be one of them, but I’m not yet at the end of my journey, Jared." Releasing a shaky breath, I rub my hand over my face. "Such things, for some they go fast, for others, they take longer, and I fear, I’m the latter. I need to collect all those tiny pieces of the old me again, but some are lost forever and some are hard to find. And once in a while, I’m just tired of it, Jay. Of everything. Of the pity and the looks and the whispers behind my back; of the restrictions caused by the disability; of struggling to find something of the old me again. That’s when it’s hard. But the good thing is, Jay," my lips part to smile, "those time are rare now. In the past two years, I got used to looks and whispers, and I know my limits. And I still have things worth fighting for. Occasionally, I seem to forget it, but there is much beauty in the world, and many things to see and do. So, I promise, I won’t kill myself," I say quietly. "I promise, if things are real bad, I’ll call you Jay, and I’ll ask for help."

"Okay," Jared breathes out. He is still very emotional, much more than I am, even though I’m close to tears, too. But I bite them back, put on a half-smile instead and lock all of this into my heart; Jared and my promise and what I told him, because I might need it again if things go bad.

***

Something changes after this talk, at least for me. Confiding this to Jared and making this promise, it somehow gives me a boost, and I try to be better even more. It’s simple things, like adding a lap when I go swimming and looking for a support group in the area, something David had told me to do months and months ago.

Something also shifts between Jared and I. It’s hard to describe, because we’ve been exceptionally close before - especially if you consider that we haven’t been in touch for so long - but with telling Jared this and seeing how much he cares, I lost the last of my doubts.

***.

It’s been more than two weeks since Jared arrived and I wonder how much longer he is going to stay. I love being with him, far too much, and that’s exactly the problem. I got used to him being around and I fear, the longer Jared stays, the harder it will be to see him go. "Jay?" I ask, watching him devour the remains of his second sandwich. "How long are you going to stay?"

He looks up, his smile frozen on his lips. "Do you want to get rid of me, man?"

"No, never think that, Jay. It’s just, I got used to you being around and I know, you can’t stay forever, but the longer you stay, the harder it will be to see you go. I need to brace myself for when the day comes."

His lips jerk back into a real smile. "Oh. I need to be back in LA in September, Jen."

September is only three days away and even though I knew it would happen soon, it’s still a shock and it hurts even more than I expected it to. Jared will leave me and I don’t know when I’ll see him again. "Oh."

"I wish I could stay, man. I wish I didn’t have to go back, Jen. It’s funny," Jared laughs, but it sounds sad, not happy, "it was my dream for many, many years, but sometimes, a few days are enough to tell you that your dream maybe lies somewhere else."

Swallowing hard, I chance a look at him. I’ve seen that look in his eyes before, a few times, in recent days, but also years and years ago. I never could name it, but it causes a good, warm feeling inside me. Not for the first time since Jared told me the truth I wonder, if maybe, just maybe, against all odds, he still has feelings for me. "Jared?"

Smiling, Jared gets up and comes over to where I sit, with my hands a tight grip around the wheelchair’s armrests. He pushes me over the patio and into the backyard, along the paved path that leads through it, over to where we spent the main part of the last two weeks. My heart beats faster than normal, and I scold myself for it. It’s silly. Jared loves me, sure, but not like that. Not anymore. There is not much I can give, at least, not everything.

We finally arrive at a wooden bank, my favorite place in the whole lot. It’s hidden, behind big flowers and bushes, almost like a secret part of the big garden. I never told Jared and I wonder how he knew, if he knew at all or if it’s just a coincidence, a place he found strolling through the large premises while I was working out with my trainer. He leans down to pick me up and gently sits me down on the rough surface, before sitting down next to me.

"Ten years ago, I fell in love with you, Jen. I was too chicken to tell you because I thought it’d destroy everything." Smiling, he takes my hand and is this racing, beating thing inside me my heart? "I won’t make the same mistake twice. My dream, Jen, doesn’t lie in LA any longer. It lies here, with you." He looks at me, with those big, brown puppy eyes, and he is so close that I see nothing but Jared’s face and the sun shimmering in his hair. My heart beats fast, fast, fast and I feel like when I was a teenager, asking out my first girl, or kissing my first boy. "Jensen?"

“Jay," I say quietly, my voice scarcely more than a whisper. For a few moments, that’s all I say, just my friend’s name because I’m both surprised and confused, especially about my own feelings. I remember what I used to feel for Jared a long, long time ago and what I feel for him now, for the man who sort of saved me, and a part of me wants to hug and kiss him and never let go. But another part is very insecure. "You’re a great guy, Jared. A great friend and you’re so good to me. You give me so much, so many things I thought I’d never have again. And I feel so much for you. But," I look up at him, in those eyes where the light slowly dies, "I’m not sure if that’s enough. It’s hard to explain, Jay, but being with you, it should be for the right reasons. And while I don’t doubt your intentions, I doubt my own. They might not be the right ones."

Brow furrowed, Jared looks at me, as if he doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. “Why?”

"I’ve been lonely since the accident, Jay. A lot of people close to my heart left me and I struggled with meeting new people. There’s barely anyone left and the people who are left are friends and family. And while they’re a part of me, they’re not always around and while it’s great to have them, it’s not a relationship. I dream of having someone who is there for me, who really shares my life. Someone who shows me that I’m not useless when I have one of my bad days, someone who lets me love them." Heat creeps over my face as I pour my heart out to my best friend, hoping Jared understands.

“You’re not useless," Jared says outrageously and I don’t blame him, he must be tired of hearing all this, my self-pity and my doubts. "You have so much to give, Jensen, all your qualities, good and bad, wrapped into this wonderful man that is you. And you know; I’d love to be the person you’re looking for. The someone who is there for you, who shares your life, who helps you through the bad days and enjoys the good ones. You must know that, Jen."

A smile twitches over my face. “Yeah, I know that. But, I shouldn’t be with you for my sake, but for yours, Jay. I love you, but do I love you as much as you love me? That’s something I have yet to find out. If what I feel for you is love like the love we need for what we want. I should know, but after the accident, hate dominated my life. Towards my parents, towards the doctors, towards everyone, most of all though, towards myself. I’m much better now and I want to love, but I need a little time to find out if the love I feel for you equals I’m in love with you."

“So, that’s a maybe? There’s hope?

"Just a few months ago I didn’t believe I’d ever say it again, but there is always hope, Jay. You showed me that."

He smiles broadly, hiding well the disappointment he surely must feel, and wraps me into his arms. The hug is warm, his hold strong, his body a welcome weight against my own and a part of me wishes I could have this every day, until my dying day; Jared holding me, cuddling with him, talking to him, being understood by him. But I really need to find out if those butterflies in my belly are real and not there because I’m lonely and I want them to be there. "Don’t take too long to find out, Jen," Jared whispers, gently kissing my cheek.

***

Jared leaves the next morning. I knew he would and I don’t blame him, it’s probably the best for both our sakes. Nevertheless, it makes me sad.

"I’m going to miss you, Jay," I say softly while he is slipping into his shoes.

He looks up and flashes me a sweet smile, dimples and all. "You won’t have the chance to miss me, Jen. I’ll call whenever I can and who knows what’ll happen in a few months, Jen. I’m waiting." He ties his last shoelace and stays where he is.

I take it as the invitation I hope it is and wheel a little closer. "Jay, I can’t thank you enough -"

"Then don’t." Jared laughs. "It was nothing anyway. What best friends do for each other."

He opens his arms and I lean closer, into that broad chest, and hold on tight, as tight as Jared holds me. "Bye Jen," he whispers. "Call me if you need me." He kisses my cheek and his soft, warm lips linger there for a few seconds. "I love you and I’ll wait for you. Don’t forget it."

Nothing I could answer comes to my mind, so I just hold on a little tighter, brushing my thumb over his neck. "Bye, Jay. Have a safe journey home."

One last time, Jared squeezes me, then he lets go and gets up. I follow him to his rental car, wave goodbye and only turn around when he’s probably halfway on his way to the airport. The butterflies in my belly are gone, chased away by emptiness and darkness, but whenever I touch the spot on my cheek where Jared kissed me, there is a weak flutter and it feels like something real.

6

"How are things with Jared?" Mackenzie asks curiously. It’s the day after Thanksgiving and my sister and David dropped by this afternoon after leaving Sarah with Josh’s kids.

"Fine." Actually, I wanted to tell them for a while, what happened a decade ago and in summer, but it seemed too personal for a phone call and the days since they flew out from Boston were filled from morning till night, so there was never the right time.

"Fine?" Mackenzie calls with disbelief. "Just fine?"

"Good. Very good actually. We’re friends again, very good friends."

"And?" David and Mackenzie ask simultaneously.

"Nothing." Suddenly, the room seems much warmer than before. "But -"

"Yeah?" Mackenzie interrupts me, slightly bouncing up and down on the sofa like a teenager waiting for the newest gossip.

"At our last meeting in Boston, the one where Jared took me out, Jared told me he was in love with me when we were doing Supernatural." David draws in a sharp breath, but Mackenzie doesn’t look surprised. "It was the trigger for everything that happened. Did you know, Mac?" I look at her sharply.

She lifts both her hands in a gesture of peace. "I swear I didn’t. But after Megan told me about Jared being into guys... I put two and two, together, Jensen. It made sense."

"Yeah," I say thoughtfully, "that’s what I said too, when Jared told me."

"But that was ten years ago," David tosses in.

I look at them both and I see the truth dawning in their eyes.

"He’s still in love with you," Mackenzie says softly.

"Hard to believe, but yeah."

"So, stupid, big brother," my sister punches my arm. "Why aren’t you with him?"

"I’m not sure if I love him back, Mac. And it’s Jared and he is such a great guy and I just, I don’t want to hurt him."

"How can you not love Jared fucking Padalecki?" Mackenzie looks at me with disbelief. "He’s an Adonis."

"Mac," David scolds her, "please, stay serious here."

I can’t repress a chuckle though. "He is, Mac, and so much more than that. Everything a man or girl dreams about. But, look at me, Mac!" I point at my legs and the wheelchair that stands next to the sofa. "Besides, I want to be sure that I love him for the right reason. For himself. Not because of our past, not because of what he is, and least of all because I’m a lonely paraplegic."

My sister looks frankly. "It honors you, Jensen. So maybe, we first find out what you feel for him and then we talk about the other thing and," now she looks very strict, "you will listen to me, Jensen Ross Ackles."

I grimace because her arguing with me is never pretty. "Okay."

"So, let’s see. Jared and you, you’re close again. I’m sure you are; you told me that much, how much you talked; how much he wanted to know about the accident and how much he cared. I didn’t need any details to understand that he helped you a great deal. And from what you told me, you trust him."

"I do, but all that applies for Jason and Steve, too."

"It does. Yet, there is a difference," my sister says matter-of-factly.

"Yeah," I admit. "They’re great and I love them, but," I sigh, "it’s Jared. Jared and, I we’re -"

"Soul mates, Jensen. That’s what you are. You’ve been from the beginning and I think, that’s one big reason for being with Jared. Besides," she lifts her finger like a smartass, "there’s something else. You love him, Jensen. You miss him, every day. You want him to call and when he does, there are butterflies in your belly and you hang on to every word he says, no matter if it makes sense or not. But you deny it Jensen, just because you don’t want to believe it. You can’t believe that Jared Padalecki, movie star and Sexiest Man Alive or whatever shit he is, might love someone like you, a paraplegic." There’s not a bit of sarcasm, but sadness in my sister’s words.

Burying my head in my hand, I take a few, deep breaths, shocked how well my sister knows me. "Why should Jared love me, Mac? He can have anyone. Yet, he loves me, his crippled ex co-star."

Both of them flinch at the word. Even I do, because I haven’t called myself this for a while because, thanks to Jared, I stopped looking at me like this.

"Why does your sister love me, Jensen?" David asks gently. "We’re not different."

"Because she’s good!"

"And Jared is good, too," David says with determination. He barely knows him, but I think David is rather impressed with what Jared did for me and therefore thinks highly of him.

"Dave is right, Jensen," Mackenzie agrees. "Jared is good. He loves you. He chose you, not some hot actress or actor. You, Jensen. In his eyes, you are the most beautiful and wonderful of all beings, despite your restrictions. He’s addicted to you, big brother. The wheelchair doesn’t matter to him."

“It matters to me, Mac!" I yell in frustration. "He deserves someone whole and healthy!"

"This is exactly why you love him, Jensen." David chuckles. "You want the best for Jared. You just have to accept that the best is you. I know, being a paraplegic was and still is much harder for you than it is for me. But I really think it’s time to leave these doubts behind, man. This guy loves you. I don’t say it will be all happy and smiley, you will always face problems, but give him some credit here, Jensen. In a way, you’re not so different. You want to be sure you love him because you don’t want to hurt him and I’m sure, before Jared revealed his feelings, he made sure he wanted this, too because he did not want to hurt you."

It all seems so reasonable and I see my sister and brother in law looking at me and in my mind, I see Jared looking at me. The love in his eyes and in all the little and big touches, in every hug, in that little goodbye kiss, in every call and text he sent me since. And finally, the wall I built around me since the accident, made of self-pity and self-protection, crumbles. It doesn’t fall in completely, but enough to finally see the truth. "What should I do now?”

“As luck would have it, I know that Jared’s with his family in San Antonio over Thanksgiving. So, how about you go down there and tell him?" Mackenzie’s eyes sparkle triumphantly.

For one second the idea sounds awesome, but then I remember this guy Jared mentioned in March and while I never asked Jared, I doubt he split up with him just because he wants to be with me. “I can’t, Mac. I’m sure, Jared’s boyfriend won’t be happy."

“Boyfriend? Do you really think Jared would do all this, spending two weeks with you in summer and revealing his love to you if he was seeing someone else?" My sister looks shocked.

"He -"

"Split up with this guy months ago," Mackenzie says. "Think higher of Jared, big brother. He loves you, no one else. Since this is settled," she adds, "we better go. Time is money."

“We?” I grimace.

“After everything I’ve done for you, I think I’ve earned the right to sit in the front row when the epic love story of Jared and Jensen finally comes to its climax. Or begins, however you want to put it." She grins broadly. "Besides, I haven’t seen Megan in a very long time. And I’m sure, Mom is happy to spoil Dave and Sarah until we’re back."

***

Twenty minutes later, we’re on the road. Never before have I packed my bag quicker or wheeled towards the car in such a record-breaking pace. Even now, while I’m rushing down the Interstate in my custom built car, I’m close to breaking the speed limit. Not that I could if I wanted to, because there is a lot of traffic thanks to the holiday. Years ago, I drove the route once or twice, but then it didn’t seem so long. But back then, it didn’t seem that important to be with Jared quickly, either.

Mackenzie takes over from me after a longer stop for fast food halfway through. I’m grateful she does; it’s been a while since I’ve driven such a long way and I was getting tired and tiredness is something I don’t need when I see Jared again.

Staring outside in the steadily growing darkness, my mind lost in thoughts of things of what might be, I slowly fall asleep and only wake up when Mackenzie shakes my shoulder gently. "We’re almost there," she announces, pointing at the GPS that shows only 5 more minutes until the estimated time of arrival.

I rub my eyes, suddenly feeling really uneasy. What will the Padalecki’s say if we appear at their door so late in the evening? After all these years to top it off? Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe, I just should have called Jared and told him to meet me when he can.

"Are you ready, Jensen?" Mackenzie asks while she’s turning left onto the street that leads to the Padalecki Residence.

"No. Absolutely not," I admit. "Maybe we just should go and look for a hotel and -"

"No way!" Mackenzie calls. "We drove for almost five hours, young man. You won’t chicken out now!"

"Just an idea," I murmur.

"Bad one," my sister barks while stopping the car in front of the house. It still looks like I remember it. "It’ll be fine," Mackenzie adds in a much warmer tone, "just wait and see."

Five minutes later, Mackenzie is ringing the doorbell. Encased by shadows, I’m waiting at the foot of the steps, my fingers strongly interlaced with each other.

It takes a while, but finally, the door is opened a little, Sherri peeking through it. "Mackenzie?" Her voice is full of surprise.

"Hello Sherri. Sorry for coming this late, but is Jared with you? Megan mentioned he would be."

"He is." She opens the door completely and I see her eyes studying me. "Oh Jensen," she exhales surprised before coming down the steps.

Biting my lip in a nervous habit, I suddenly feel very small. It’s not only because of the wheelchair and Sherri Padalecki looking down at me, but also because I wonder if they know; know that their son loves me and wants me to be a part of their family. I always liked Jared’s parents, they were warm and kind, just like their son, but I can’t help but wonder what they would think of it.

"Hello Sherri." I force a smile on my face, but it probably looks more like a grimace.

She takes my hand. "Hello Jensen. It’s so good to see you. So, are you here for Jared?" She beams broadly and I know she knows, that Jared told her, maybe years ago, but if not then, recently. But seeing her smiling like this tells me she doesn’t mind and it lifts a burden off my shoulders I didn’t even realize I was carrying around until a few minutes ago.

"Yes. I’m sorry for coming uninvited, but Mackenzie mentioned that Jared was with you over Thanksgiving and um -"

"You wanted to surprise him," Jared’s mom adds. "You’ve done a good job, honey," she says with a very motherly tone. "I bet he’ll be mad with joy."

"Mom?" I hear a very familiar voice calling from somewhere in the house. "Who’s at the door?" A door is opened and there are steps echoing through the hallway, and finally, I see him, tanned and broad, his face changing at once, from grim and worried, to joyous when he recognizes Mackenzie and sees his mother with me. "Jensen!!" he literally squees, rushing past my sister and down the stairs and suddenly, he is all over me, hugging me madly.

"Good to see you, too!" I laugh when Jared finally lets go, smiling at me broadly, his hands still holding mine.

"I can’t believe you’re here, Jen!" Jared exclaims cheerfully. "So, let me help you in, okay?"

"Sounds good." I hold up my hands to wrap them around Jared’s neck and then I’m lifted up and Jared carries me upstairs and into his parent’s home like I weigh nothing. It’s weird, because whenever someone has to carry me to move around, I hate it, but with Jared, it’s different. Maybe it is because with Jared everything is a little better. Or maybe it is because of the way Jared holds me; strong, protective, like I’m very precious to him.

"Here we are," Jared announces as he sits me down on a sofa in the living room. "You look good, Jen," he says, as he lets his eyes glide over my body.

"I’m good, Jay. Content. Happy even."

"No bad days?" Jared asks quietly.

"No. Not since you left, Jay. The support group helps and you helped even more." Going to regular support group meetings is really something I should have done the moment I left rehab, but better late than never. Jared though made the biggest difference, with his kindness, his concern, his friendship and his love.

"That’s good." A broad smile curls his lips. "How about something to eat? You and Mac must be hungry."

"We had some burgers three hours ago, but I wouldn’t mind some cold turkey or whatever you have left from yesterday."

"There’s lots. I’ll just go look for my mom and Mac, okay? Don’t run away." He winks.

Some might say the joke is inappropriate, but somehow, it warms me because Jared treats me like normal, still saying things like he did ten years ago. "Even if I could, I wouldn’t, doofus."

***

There are lots of leftovers and Sherri watches us eat hungrily, a very satisfied expression on her face whenever Mackenzie or I compliment her on her delicious food. Jared - of course - eats something, too. Some things never change and Jared being a hog is one of them. There is a little talk between the chewing, about random things, family, sports, weather, more or less unimportant stuff.

Only when everything is devoured down to the last crumb does Sherri clear the table, Mackenzie helping her, even though Sherri doesn’t want to hear of it. "I called Megan, she’ll be here in ten," she announces. "So, how about we girls have a nice evening and you guys do your guy stuff."

"Sounds good," Mackenzie, Jared and I agree simultaneously, laughing.

"Talking about guys," I add, "where’s your dad, Jay?"

"Out, with some friends. Doing guy stuff." He laughs. "Want me to take you upstairs? Get you settled?"

"I don’t want to impose on you, Jared. I can -"

Jared’s hand literally shuts me up. "Don’t you dare say anything else, Jen. We’ll manage. As long as you don’t mind me carrying you around, you can stay here and let me take care of you a little bit. Do you mind?"

"No", I say, my voice still muffled by Jared’s huge paw. "But I’ll need some help."

"Just ask for it," Jared says while pushing the wheelchair out of the room and over to the stairs.

Then I’m back in those strong arms and Jared carries me upstairs and into his old childhood bedroom that is a simple guestroom nowadays. "You can have your own room, if you want to, Jen. There’s enough space," Jared explains but there is a hint of hope in it.

"I doubt I’ll need it, Jay," I say quietly.

"That’s great to hear," Jared answers as he carefully places me on the soft mattress of the bed. "Let me just get the wheelchair, I don’t want anyone to fall over it."

I hear him hurrying down the steps and he’s back rather soon, opening the folded wheelchair and pushing it over to my side of the bed. "In case you need it, Jen. But you can wake me anytime, okay, no matter what it is."

"Yeah, I know. Now, shut up and come here, okay?" I say bossily while patting the empty side of the big bed.

In an instant my friend is with me, crawling over the mattress until he is right next to me. "Hey. Missed you."

"Missed you more," I return, smiling heartily.

Jared is very close, pressed against me from shoulder to feet, a warm weight against my body where I can feel him. Shifting a little to see his face better, I reach out my hand and touch his face and his soft hair. His Adam’s apple moves when he swallows - and has his neck always been so long and beautiful?

"I think you’ve waited long enough, Jay," I say, gently brushing my fingers over his cheek.

And there is a smile, so big and bright, when Jared understands. "You sure?" he asks

"Yeah, very sure. Haven’t been so sure about anything for a long time. But there is one condition, Jay."

"Anything."

"If I ever become a burden for you, Jay, please don’t break up with me with a stupid text. Please talk to me."

Jared face falls. "You’ll never be a burden for me, Jen. Maybe it’s a challenge, for both of us, but never a burden, okay? But if something happens, I promise," Jared takes my hand, "that I’ll always talk to you and then, we will fight. I won’t let you go that easily."

Warmth spreads through my body, into my fingertips and probably into my toes as well and fireworks explode in my belly when I understand that Jared really wants this. He hasn’t changed his mind. He wants me to be his, just as much as I want Jared to be mine.

"It’ll be a great adventure, Jen. This future together. Just wait and see."

"Then what are we waiting for, Jay. Let’s start it," I whisper, cupping Jared’s cheek.

Suddenly, Jared is closer than ever before, and finally, our lips touch and if fireworks exploded before, it’s a whole universe now, and I tumble into this future with Jared, moaning and sighing, whimpering and begging. It’s been years since I kissed a man and there’s countless impressions bombarding me; Jared’s hand, always gentle, everywhere, his hair tickling my cheek, sensuous sounds escaping his lips, his tongue mapping my mouth like I map his, prodding and licking, tasting remains of food and wine - and so much Jared. My own fingers, running feverishly and uncoordinated over Jared’s neck, shoulder, chest, collarbone, ear, feeling skin and perspiration and Jared’s heart, beating as excited as my own.

Eventually, the first heatwave of the kiss ebbs away and we both breathe hard, as if we had run a marathon, but there is a smile on our reddened and swollen lips, too.

"Best adventure ever," Jared sighs before wrapping me into his arms and it feels like finally, after a journey that seemed to have taken my whole life, I’m home.

7

Christmas comes and Jared and I spend it together at my place in Dallas, just the two of us. We wanted this peace and togetherness for our first Christmas and our families understand, especially since we will see them later in the holidays.

There is a beautiful Christmas tree we bought and decorated together in a corner of my living room and a heap of presents underneath it, mainly from our folks. After thinking it through, I got Jared a voucher for our first vacation together at a luxurious ski resort. Not that I can go skiing, but I like the thought of spending hours snuggled together in front of a huge fireplace while the snow is falling outside or of long walks through a winter wonderland.

We have simple steaks, potatoes and vegetables for dinner on Christmas Eve, some tasty red wine. There are burning candles on the table and some soft music in the background. It’s very much cliché, but for me, it’s what I need after two really hard Christmases. Remembering in what a miserable state I was in, my face darkens, despite my resolution not to trouble Jared with it.

"Jen? Are you okay?"

"Sure." I put on a fake smile.

"Don’t lie to me, Jensen," he says gently.

"You don’t want to know, Jay," I reply, my voice scarcely more than a whisper. "Not today."

Jared brushes my argument away with a gesture of his hand. "I always want to know what’s bothering you, Jen. No matter if it’s Christmas or my birthday or our anniversary."

"It might make you sad."

Scrunching his face, Jared shrugs. "Maybe. But it bothers you, so spit it out."

"I was just thinking how nice this Christmas is, Jay. Just the two of us. It makes me very happy and for me, it’s a miracle. This time last year, I was -" I release a long, shaky breath before I continue, "close to the edge, Jay. Very close. It was a dark, dark time. I was with my family, but still, I felt so alone. There was not much hope left in me and I was wondering if it would be my last Christmas."

My boyfriend looks close to tears and I feel sorry for burdening Jared with these thoughts. "It’s in the past, sweetie." My heart somersaults. Jared calling me sweetie is far too girly, but it warms me, it’s what I need. "You will never feel lonely on Christmas or any other day, I promise. You’ll never be close to the edge again. I will make sure of it."

He gets up, rounds the table and kneels down in front of me, taking my hands, smiling, despite his wet eyes. "Every day. No dark days for you." He kisses my hand and I know; I’m in safe hands with my boyfriend because since August, there hasn’t been a single dark day.

For a while, Jared just kneels there, massaging my hands, but then, he leans over for a kiss. It’s soft and lazy and very gentle, tongues and lips touching and tasting, it’s sharing the same space, the same air and it makes those dark memories history.

Eventually, after our lips part, Jared lifts me into his arms and carries me to the Christmas tree where he gently puts me onto the soft carpet covering the wooden floor. Scooting behind me, he wraps his left arm around me, taking a present from the heap. "How about you open this, sweetie?"

"It’s still Christmas Eve," I return, as if opening a gift on Christmas Eve was a real outrage.

"Come on, Jen. Just this one," Jared almost pleads and I know, this present must mean a lot to him.

"Okay." I grin, feeling curious as I take the box. Pulling the huge red bow away and opening the box, I find an old-fashioned key and a wooden framed picture in it and beneath, blueprints, like the ones when I had this place built and my heart skips a beat when I realize what this present means. "Oh my god," I breathe out, lost for any other words and is this a tear splashing onto the picture that shows a park, with huge, old trees and behind, a spectacular view onto the ocean. "Jared."

"We’ll need a home in California, Jensen, for whenever I go back to work."

"Back to work?" Does Jared really mean what this sounds like?

"Yeah. I think I made enough movies and most of all, enough money to last us a couple of lifetimes, Jensen. No need to overdo it. I told my agent my beautiful boyfriend is more important than my career and I decided that I’ll only do a movie a year."

"Jay, I don’t -"

"I told you in August, Jen. My dream lies somewhere else, here, with you. With acting less, I get the best of both worlds, you know. And no back talk," Jared adds when he hears me taking in a deep breath to object, "It’s well thought out. I really want to be with you, whenever I can, Jensen. The weeks since Thanksgiving were hard enough. I couldn’t bear it if it were like this all the time."

Overwhelmed with the decision, the sacrifice Jared made for me; I don’t know what to say. Instead, I bury my face into his shoulder and just breathe Jared in.

"We will have our permanent residence here, Jen, close to your family, or we can move to Boston if you want to, be closer to Mackenzie and David or you know, move around, if that’s what you want. I can always hire us a jet so you don’t need to use public planes."

I snort. "You really don’t have anything better to do with your money?"

"Than spoiling my boyfriend and making things a little easier for him?" Scrunching his face, Jared looks thoughtfully for a while before grinning broadly. "Nah, don’t think so." He looks so young and happy and simply beautiful.

Reaching out my hand, I cup Jared’s cheek and brush my thumb over the skin. "Thank you," I breathe out, even though I know it’s not enough. Building me a house for my needs is something big. Something for forever. "It’s beautiful." I catch Jared’s lips for a gentle kiss.

"You should see it for real, Jensen. It’s huge. There are stables, so we could keep horses."

My heart jumps. Texas boy that I am, I always liked to ride. "Can I look at the blueprints?"

"Sure. You’ll be surprised."

I’m speechless with amazement when I look at the pictures. "A part of the frontage has to stay, because it’s protected," Jared explains, "but you see, it becomes part of the new residence and everything inside is new."

"What happened to it?"

"Burned out. Years ago. The fire killed two, Jensen. The place is said to be haunted," Jared whispers. "That’s why no one wanted it."

"Haunted?" I look at my boyfriend with disbelief, not sure if he’s mocking me or not.

"Isn’t it romantic? Besides, there is no need to be afraid. There will be permanent salt lines, just in case." Jared grins broadly. "And come on, no ghost would be stupid enough to haunt Sam and Dean Winchester."

"You’ve got to be kidding me." Shaking my head in disbelief, I look at the trees. They really look a little creepy, very old. And the land is a dream, why did no one want it?

"Not one bit, sweetie. Remember, I promised you some adventure. But there is no need to be afraid. Iron and salt will do it. And if not, we still can salt and burn the bodies." Jared grins mischievously. "I did a bit of research; they are buried at the local cemetery. But I hope they’re friendly house ghosts, you know, more like Casper than -"

I silence Jared with a gentle slap against the back of his head and my mouth against his own. "Shut up," I murmur, "Don’t forget the Devil’s Trap at every entrance. Just in case."

"Good idea. Just in case," Jared whispers back, kissing me before gently pressing me onto the soft carpet.

His hands are everywhere, running up and down my body, touching places I can and cannot feel, but like always when Jared touches me, I know his hands are there, and it’s enough. Better though is feeling my boyfriend, running my own hands up and down, slipping them underneath his shirt, cupping the prominent bulge in his pants and feeling Jared shuddering beneath it.

"God, Jen," Jared breathes out, and my hands fly over the zipper and soon, the pants and underwear are gone and the shirt follows and finally, Jared is in front of me, all 6’4" of shining, golden skin, his member huge and proud.

Touching it, I elicit a breathy moan from Jared’s throat and then, he slides closer and closer and finally, I can touch Jared with my lips, taste his salty pre cum on my tongue. Scratching the sensitive skin gently with my teeth and working it with my lips and tongue, I feel Jared shuddering underneath my hand that is tightly wrapped around his waist. His hips jerk and then, he finally comes, on and face and I moan and gasp and laugh, so many emotions I never thought I’d ever feel again washing over me.

With a certainty I haven’t had for a while, I suddenly know there will never be another lonely Christmas in my life. Wrapping my arms around Jared, I press him into me, let him twine his legs with mine, then our fingers, and simply become one. We kiss, we touch, we breathe in unison and despite my accident and handicap, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

"Merry Christmas," Jared whispers gently, kissing my earlobe, almost covering me completely with his body.

"I love you, too," I breathe into his ear, finally admitting something I probably have felt for a long time.

8

"There’s something I need to talk to you about, Jensen," Jared announces seriously, putting the book he was reading away and scooting closer to my side of the bed.

Closing the sports magazine I was flipping through, I look into my boyfriend’s face, wondering what this is about. So far, things have been going well with us, but maybe, Jared sees it differently. "Sure. What’s on your mind?"

"You know I need to go back to LA in three weeks, for some interviews and the world premiere of Dead Boy’s Poem. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I want you to come with me, Jen. I want you to walk the red carpet with me."

"More like roll the red carpet," I banter, surprised about the joke myself, but then I turn serious again. "That’s quite a big thing, Jay," I sigh, furrowing my brow and thinking about it.

Jared looks understanding and for once, there are no puppy eyes that should help to convince me. "I know; it’s a lot to ask."

"For both of us, Jay," I add. Like so often, Jared is probably just thinking about me, but the fact is, if I am Jared’s official date, a man bound to a wheelchair, it will be a huge thing and no one would know if it’s for the worse or better.

Jared shrugs. "I don’t mind the gossip or the questions, man. You know how it is in our business, there is always talk, always news, and a few days later, someone else’s story will be more important. Who I care about is you, Jen. Are you ready for it? For something like a movie world premiere? The looks? The cameras? The questions? The pity?"

Biting my lower lip in a that nervous habit of mine, I take my time, picturing the event in front of my eyes; the red carpet, all the movie stars, many of whom I once worked with, the journalists, the flashing cameras, the after party. Seeing the shock, the pity in all their eyes, hearing the question what happened over and over again. There’s a good chance I’ll never be ready for it. Yet, it’s something I can’t really put off, not forever anyways. With dating Jared, I have to give up part of my privacy. It’s a small price to pay for the gift Jared is; nevertheless, it deserves a little courage on my side. Courage Jared gives me. "Okay," I breathe out slowly. "But first, I need us to do something."

Smiling, Jared nods zealously. "Anything."

"I need my old agent to release a statement to the press about the accident and its consequences. And I want us to give an exclusive interview with photos to some magazine and donate the money for it to a rehab center. I um, want people to know what happened to me, Jay, before they see me at the premiere." I smile sadly. "Maybe, it’ll make it a little easier."

"Okay. Very good, actually. And I really like the idea of the interview and donating the money. It’s a good thing to do. We can tell our story and someone else profits from it. I’ll call my agent and you should call yours, too."

"Now?"

"Sure. The sooner, the better." He nudges me gently. "Come on. Call him."

Taking a deep breath, I nod and reach for my cell. I hesitate a little longer, but then I scroll down my contact list and call the number. It’s just a call, but like when I called Jared almost a year ago, it feels like a big step forward.

*

"And?" Jared looks at me expectantly. His own cell grasped in his hand, he left the room shortly after I had started the call and only returned half an hour later. "What did he say?"

"He sort of had a heart attack." I laugh. "It was a bit too much for one call, I think. He never knew I was bi, so that was a big surprise. When I told him I was dating you, he was totally speechless and the icing on the cake was when I asked him to release a statement about my accident."

"But?"

"He’ll do it. Actually, he thinks it’s a good idea. He was sick of turning down offers in my name without having the authority to say why. He’ll mail it tomorrow."

"Awesome," Jared says while crawling back into bed. "Katie loved the idea of the interview. Said you and me together is the best promotion we could ever get, with our old Supernatural fans probably freaking out. She’ll make a few calls tomorrow, but she is very positive that some magazine will be interested in buying the story."

Sighing, I carefully turn onto my other side, looking at Jared seriously. "Is it okay? Selling our story like this?" I know it was my suggestion in the first place, but now that it’s all arranged, I feel weird about going public with something as personal as my relationship with Jared and getting money for it.

"You know how it works, Jen." Gently, Jared brushes his hand over my cheek. "It’s not unethical, especially since we’re donating the money. And we’ll give this interview on our terms, Jen. I made that quite clear. There won’t be any questions we aren’t ready to answer. There will be some photos, a bit about our past, a bit about now. That’s it. It will be okay. I promise."

Of course Jared is right. It will be okay, he will make sure of it. Even answering the more unpleasant questions will be okay.

Silence spreads between us and Jared switches off the light. It’s a little early to go to bed, but who cares. He scoots closer, wrapping his hand around my ribcage. "How do you feel now, baby?" he asks eventually, his thumb painting circles into my skin.

"Good, Jay. It feels like a huge step forward in admitting who I am now. I’m sort of relieved and a little excited."

Jared doesn’t say anything, just keeps on with his gentle caress.

"Jay?"

"Mmm sweetie?"

"Thanks, you know. For asking me out to the premiere. It means a lot to me." Only now, with the decision made and the initial excitement waning, do I actually notice what it really means. It means that my boyfriend wants to show our love. He wants to share it with the world, with his fans. It means he’s sticking by me. It’s a real big proof of love, like buying the piece of land for our haunted house.

"And it means a lot that you agreed, Jen," Jared says softly, pressing his lips against the first spot of my face he can find in the darkness, my chin. I move my head enough for it to become my lips, which are so much hungrier for a kiss.

"Mmm," Jared moans into the kiss. "Very tasty."

"Very," I agree while scooting even closer to Jared.

We kiss, we touch and eventually, we fall asleep, one big heap of love beneath the covers.

***

The weeks that follow are sort of crazy.

First, my statement gets released and suddenly, Jared and I are recognized in public again. Strangely, that didn’t happen earlier - or not that we know of -, despite Jared’s fame. Maybe no one expected Jared to hang out in Dallas with a guy in a wheelchair. Now though, people seem to put two and two together, and suddenly, people look at us more closely; tweeting the news or secretly taking photos of us. Some approach us, asking for Jared’s autograph, even for mine, sometimes for a photo. I’ve never been too fond of this part of my job and my handicap doesn’t make it easier, with people staring openly at the wheelchair or my legs and whispering behind my back, but Jared, who’s always there without hovering, makes it bearable.

Then comes the day of the interview. I’ve been dreading it, but when it happens, it isn’t half as bad as I feared. After some negotiations, we decided to give the interview in a private setting to be more comfortable, so a young reporter and her photographer come to Dallas. Jared speaks highly of her, yet it feels like letting the lions into my sanctuary when I greet them at my door. After a few minutes though, I warm up to both of them and the interview itself is actually fun.

Mostly, Jared talks, telling our story; how he fell in love with me, but wouldn’t tell me, how our friendship broke apart, how we met again; first becoming friends and finally lovers. Once in a while I add something and Susan awws and oohs at all the right places.

Then it’s my turn to speak about the accident, but Jared’s presence next to me helps and on the whole, it is better than I expected. Susan is tactful and doesn’t dig and in return, I don’t sugarcoat it because I don’t want to pretend to be someone I never was, and when this part is finally over and she asks about our future, I feel strangely happy that I finally told my story.

An hour later it’s over and the photographer takes some more pictures of us, sitting on the couch and some outside in my backyard, always the two of us together, sometimes the wheelchair is visible, sometimes it’s not.

When we finally lead them back to the door and wave goodbye, Jared leans down to kiss my head. "You okay?"

"Uncommonly good, man. Sort of relieved that I finally told the story and that people will know. About me and us. Feels like a burden was lifted off my shoulders."

"So, you ready to go down to LA with me?"

I love Jared even more for giving me the option of staying in Dallas, despite our plans. "I am. Should be an adventure."

"I’m sure, it will be."

***

Jared actually charters a jet for me and on a sunny but windy day I return to LA. It seems even busier and more crowded than I remember it and as Jared cruises us through the traffic I notice that I haven’t missed the city at all.

Finally, Jared drives down the driveway leading to his residence, a big stony wall and iron gates protecting his privacy. It’s a nice place, Jared’s home, and my eyes widen in surprise when I spot a ramp, broad enough for two wheelchairs, leading up the stairs while Jared parks his car.

Seeing my eyes fixed on it, Jared bumps my shoulder gently, a satisfied smile parting his lips. "Wait until you see what I did inside, Jen."

My heart somersaults. "You did more?"

"Sure," Jared says like it’s the most natural thing to alter a house for your wheelchair-bound boyfriend. "It’s not perfect, but I think it should do, until our new place is built."

I’m dumbstruck because while Jared is the best boyfriend ever and very attentive, with crazy things like chartering a jet for me, I didn’t expect this. "Wow."

"I haven’t seen most of it myself yet," Jared admits while getting our luggage and my wheelchair out of the trunk, "the first renovations only started a few days before I left for Dallas, but I’m positive it’s okay."

He helps me into the wheelchair, puts the bags into my lap and pushes me over to his front door and up the ramp. "Thank you, Jay," I say, turning my head. I want my boyfriend to see the gratitude in my eyes.

"You’re welcome," Jared returns, squeezing my shoulder. "I want you to feel welcome here. I want you to see this as a second home." He punches in a long security code into his alarm system and opens the door for me when it unlocks. "I don’t expect you to stay here until I’ve finished the promotion, especially since you have Rufus and your folks and your support group in Dallas, but as long as you are with me, Jen, I want you to feel comfortable."

"You’re the best boyfriend ever, hope you know that," I acknowledge warmly. "Come here and let me hug you."

"Do I get a kiss, too?" Jared asks playfully while taking the bags away from my lap and leaning down for his hug.

Holding on tight, I melt into his touch, in that closeness and warmth - all Jared. "Mmm, I think, we can talk about it."

"Great," Jared whispers, suddenly lifting me up and carrying me down this big hallway and into a huge, bright room with a big sofa. "Because," a soft brush of lips over my forehead, "I love," a gentle peck on my cheek, "kissing you." Placing me down on the couch, he steals a kiss and my breath and while Jared is touching and kissing me everywhere, I’m sure, I will bear with Jared here very well.

***

A few days pass more or less unspectacularly. Busy with promoting his movie, I don’t see as much of Jared as I hoped I would, but while the days without my boyfriend are long, they are not boring. Thanks to Jared’s renovations, I can move around the house and its garden fine, there are countless books and DVDs to dawdle away the time and best of all, I finally get the chance to see Steve and Jason again.

"You came a long way, man," Jason says when he hugs me goodbye and I know it’s true; Jensen nowadays is a much better and happier man than Jensen a year ago.

Whenever Jared comes back after a long day, he spends his time with me, no matter how beat he is, talking and kissing, cuddling and making out and a day before the movie premiere, we finally find enough time to drive to Jared’s new piece of land.

It’s way outside LA and I hope Jared won’t regret the long drive one day, but it’s a beautiful, even sort of bewitching place; the huge park with its old, knotted trees, the old stable, overgrown with ivy, and what’s left of the house, nothing but a few decayed walls. There’s working materials and machines and a pit around and between the old walls for the new foundation, but we’re the only ones far and wide as Jared pushes me around what will someday be our new home.

"They’ll come back tomorrow," Jared explains. "I sent them away, wanted us to be on our own, this first time in our new place."

"I don’t mind," I say, glad that I have my boyfriend for my own. "It’s beautiful, Jay. The park and the view of the ocean. Very quiet. Peaceful. Lots of space for some dogs and cats and horses, you and me."

"Our family, our friends," Jared continues, walking away from the construction site and into the park and over to where the land ends at a cliff.

The view is breathtaking, the roaring ocean beneath us, with huge waves breaking against the stone and the foam moistening our faces. "I’m happy you like it, Jen. Even though it’s haunted." Jared grins broadly. He likes the idea of the land being haunted far too much.

"Particularly because it is haunted, baby." I grin back. Despite or maybe because of shooting Supernatural, I don’t necessarily believe in this stuff. "We’ll make great hunters, man."

"The best," Jared shoots back before kissing me deeply.

***

Thoroughly, I look at myself in the mirror. Short hair, the light brown streaked with gray. Green eyes, framed by those long, deep crow’s-feet the best make up can’t hide anymore. A slim but not skinny body with muscled upper arms and thin legs and thighs, since I lost most of the muscles in the part of my body I can’t move any longer. Everything clad in a perfectly fitting, expensive dark suit. An expensive watch, a present Jared gave me for Christmas many many years ago.

I look at myself and while I see what everyone else sees, too - a wheelchair user - I see something else, something I haven’t seen for a long time. I see me.

"Ready, honey?" Jared calls from the bathroom, wearing exactly the same suit as I do, his hair a little shorter after he had it cut this morning, but shiny and wavy. He really looks like a Greek God, all tall and muscled and tanned, shiny, beautiful.

"I am," I say, wheeling out of the door and taking the stair lift Jared had installed for me downstairs.

Jared follows the lift slowly, taking my hand. "You’re looking beautiful, Jen."

My heart does a flip-flop. I know I aged well, but since the accident, the wheelchair distorted my view of myself and it’s been a while since I’ve thought of myself as good-looking or attractive, or as Jared puts it, beautiful. If someone had told me a year ago, I would have been more offended than flattered, simply because I would not have believed it. Now though, things are different. I carry a new strength Jared gave me and I know, my boyfriend means what he says and likes what he sees, in spite of the wheelchair. "Thanks baby." I kiss his hand. "You’re not exactly ugly, either."

He laughs and when we’re finally downstairs, we step outside into the cool February night, waiting for the limo to pick us up.

*

The closer we get to the movie theater, the harder my heart beats and eventually, I reach for Jared’s hand.

Twining our fingers, he squeezes gently, whispering, "You’ll be all right" and holding tight until the car halts in front of the cinema.

In spite of the darkly tinted panes, I see countless camera flashes and my heart beats even more excitedly. It’s only a few minutes, it’s less painful than months of rehabilitation and losing friends, but in a way, it’s the hardest of all tests.

"Breathe and smile," Jared advises when the driver opens the right backdoor. "I’ll be with you."

Putting on all-actor mode and a smile, Jared gets out of the car, waves and waits for the driver to fetch and unfold the wheelchair. I scoot over to the door, the first flash lights blinding me even before I slide into my wheelchair and at once, Jared is by my side, his hand a warm, consoling weight on my shoulder.

Breathe and smile, I remember and I do just this as Jared gently leads me down the red carpet and in the direction of the theater entrance. There’s a thunderstorm of flashes, and questions hit us in a whirl and I ignore my shaking hands, remember to smile and face the hyenas the media is. Most questions are for Jared, but some reporters want to know how I am or wish us luck and I give the appropriate answers, smile and wave whenever my hands aren’t wrapped around the wheels to move forward and then, the theater’s walls close us in safely and the first stage is over.

There are more journalists inside, taking photos of the countless celebrities who are invited to the premiere, but it’s not as noisy as outside, more civilized. I put on a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes for more photos, watch Jared posing with his co-stars, the director and writer of the movie and then, finally, it’s over, and Jared leads me into the theater. There’s a ramp I swear wasn’t there five years ago and Jared helps me down, saying hi and waving once in a while, and I spot many known faces too, some of them acknowledging me when they see me.

Finally, Jared helps me into my front row seat and sits down next to me, taking my hand. "You did well, sweetheart," he whispers, just loud enough so I can hear it. "Now lean back and enjoy the movie."

"Thanks for letting me be your date tonight," I whisper back and in spite of all the people in the theater, some of whose eyes are certainly fixed on us, I lean over and kiss Jared’s cheek.

"Wouldn’t want to date anyone else in the world," Jared responds with determination.

It puts a smile on my face, knowing that Jared really means it, and I lean back and enjoy all the activity and noise. I look around, talk to the people who come down to talk to me and to my neighbor on the other side, one of Jared’s co-stars, and eventually, the light is dimmed and the movie begins.

*

Two hours later, the cinema is in an uproar, with most people standing while applauding cast and crew for the masterpiece Dead Boy’s Poem is. I wish I could jump up like everyone else, but I know, for Jared it’s enough that I’m with him, clapping my hands raw and yelling and whistling myself hoarse.

"You were brilliant," I squawk when Jared finally comes down from the stage again.

Glowing with joy, he leans down for a quick kiss. "Thanks, Jen. I’m happy you liked it. Now come on, how about a little food and champagne?"

He helps me back into the wheelchair and up the stairs and there are tables in the foyer where earlier, nothing had been, and waiters carrying trays with snacks and champagne. Jared, being the man of the evening, is busy, talking with almost everyone, sometimes disappearing for a few minutes, but he always comes back, always makes sure that I’m okay and I actually am. Sipping my champagne, I watch the whole fuss from a quiet corner; sometimes people come over to talk to me, but mostly, I’m on my own and I’m grateful for it.

Time passes and eventually Jared is back by my side. "Let’s go home, baby," he whispers in my ear.

"Home? Isn’t there an after party at some club?"

Jared shrugs. "Sure there is. But we don’t have to go, man."

"Don’t you want to go, Jay? It’s your night!"

"It is, but the stupid venue is not accessible," Jared whispers upset.

"Go anyway," I demand. "You worked hard for the movie and this success, Jay. It’s your night. I don’t want to spoil it for you."

For a moment, Jared’s face lights up, but then it falls again, and I know, a part of him wants to go to this party really badly, but the other part wants to stay with me and would feel horrible if he went. "No, Jen. I came here with you; I won’t let you go home alone just because you can’t get into the venue."

I’m sure, Jared never considered that this might be a problem and I wouldn’t even reprimand him if he went because that’s just the way it is. I can’t expect my boyfriend to stop doing certain things because I can’t be a part of them. "Come here." I point at my lap and Jared sits down there, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, the wheelchair protesting under the additional weight. "You did so much for me," I say quietly, "spending your summer vacation with me, the whole Christmas time, renovating your place, buying that beautiful piece of land and building us a haunted house."

"Aha. You love that it’s haunted," he grins mischievously.

"Shut up!" I pinch his waist gently. "You even want to work less and move to Dallas with me more or less permanently."

Jared nods seriously. "I do all these things because I want to. Because I love you, not because I feel obliged to do them."

"I don’t doubt you, Jay. But what I’m saying is, you do so much for me, now let me do something for you. Go to this party. You deserve it, Jay. You worked so many hours, you did such a great job, it’s such a great movie. You should be with your co-stars and crew tonight, celebrating this big achievement, and if I can’t be with you because of this stupid thing here," I bump my hand against the frame of the wheelchair, "then you shouldn’t suffer because of it."

"But -",

"No but here, Jay. If it means so much to you, take me home, but then, you go to this party and you celebrate like there is no tomorrow."

"But how can I celebrate," Jared leans down and whispers into my ear, "when the man I love isn’t with me?" He sounds as sad as he looks, really torn between two things that are important to him.

What I tell Jared now will probably give him blackmail material for years, but it’s for a good cause. "Silly," I say gently. "I’m always with you. Right here." I put my hand onto his heart like I did it so many years ago for the first time.

Jared’s face lights up. "Let’s go home, baby."

And Jared takes me home, undresses me slowly once we’re in our bedroom, kissing spots of skin here and there until eventually, all the expensive clothes are gone and only my underpants are left. "Mmm," Jared hums appreciatively, letting his look glide up and down my body; the body I once thought no one ever would look at like this again. A shiver runs through me as I see the love and the want and the need in my boyfriend’s eyes. "Maybe, we should have our own party," Jared wonders, kissing my belly.

"We can have our own party for the rest of our lives, Jay. But not today. Today, you celebrate your success with the guys you have it with. Remember, I’m with you." Pulling Jared closer, I kiss his chest. "Have a great night, sweetheart."

Looking a little sad, Jared kisses my chest. "I love you, Jen. I hope you know that." Then Jared leaves me, but I know; it’s only for a little while.

Switching on the TV, I change channel after channel, until I see Jared’s and my own face smiling into the cameras. I really don’t look that bad, I notice with satisfaction. For a while, I watch the program, but then I turn the TV off, and after I’ve slid back into the wheelchair, I wheel into the bathroom to take a hot bath.

I take my time, scrubbing my skin until it’s red and soaking in the hot water until it’s only lukewarm, but then I get out of the tub - thanks to the lift Jared added - towel myself dry and wait for my boyfriend to come home.

The hot bath made me tired and I must have fallen asleep because I wake with a start when I hear feet moving up the stairs. Holding my breath, scared that it might be a burglar because it’s far too early for Jared to get back after less than three hours, I listen to every single noise and to the door of the bedroom being quietly opened. But it really is Jared, his tall body a huge silhouette of darkness against the dim light of the hallway.

"Jay." I release my boyfriend’s name in a shaky breath.

"Hi baby. Didn’t want to wake you."

"Heard noises from downstairs. You scared me. Thought you were a burglar." I shake my head at my own stupidity. This place is probably as safe as the Bank of England or something.

"Sorry sweetheart," Jared apologies, finally switching on the light. His cheeks are reddened and he reeks of sweat, booze, smoke and weed. "Never wanted to scare you." He strips off his suit, one piece at a time.

"How was the party? Didn’t expect you back so early," I note, looking at Jared appreciatively, at the play of his muscles as he gets rid of the clothes, at his skin, looking bronze in the artificial light, at the slight smile on his face.

"Good, but I missed you. With going home, Jen, I get the best of both worlds tonight. Partying with my friends and cuddling with my boyfriend." He winks, disappearing into the en-suite bathroom and I hear Jared taking a pee, brushing his teeth and having a shower.

Ten minutes later, Jared is back, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his moist hair. "Cuddling, heh?" I ask because a naked Jared is more than a Jared to cuddle.

"For now, yeah," he says, rubbing his hair dry before carelessly tossing the towel onto the carpet. "I’m too tired for anything else." Yawning, he scoots close, putting his arm around my shoulder and pressing his head against my chest.

"Too tired for sex? Don’t let me tell the press, sweetie."

Jared chuckles, switching off the light. "We can have sex for the rest of our lives, Jensen. Just let me hold you, okay?"

"Okay." Jared holds me, caresses my body, kisses my skin and somehow I feel closer to him in that moment than I ever felt while having sex with Danneel or Alice or whoever else I dated in my life before.

8

It’s a few days after the premiere. Jared left the house at the break of dawn to shoot a commercial on location somewhere in the desert. He invited me to come with him, but the thought of watching my half-naked boyfriend promoting aftershave while I’m not allowed to touch was too gruesome to accept.

Monica, Jared’s housemaid who comes every day for a few hours to clean, just left and finally, I’m alone. It’s a warm, sunny day and working out seems like a good idea especially since I haven’t done any of my exercises since I arrived in LA.

I swim a dozen laps before getting out of the water and wheeling back into the house and into Jared’s own fitness studio to lift weights. It’s hard but satisfying work, feeling the good ache in my arms and shoulders. Sweat starts to run down my body and eventually, I can’t tell how much time passed, I feel my throat being as dry as the place Jared is right now. Scolding myself for not having thought of it earlier, I wipe my sweaty hands and face with a towel and wheel back into the kitchen to fetch some cool water from the fridge.

There are half a dozen bottles on one of the upper shelves and I have to stretch my arm a little to reach the closest bottle. Opening it quickly, I take a thirsty mouthful, but when I put it down, the bottle slips through my still slippery fingers, falling onto the floor and spilling its contents everywhere while rolling into a corner of the kitchen.

"Dammit," I curse under my breath, watching how almost one liter of water slowly pours over Jared’s kitchen tiles. While it is annoying, it’s not a big deal since the bottle was plastic and it’s only water, but I hate that I can neither wipe it away nor reach the bottle. It’s nothing, but suddenly I feel frustration washing over me like I haven’t felt for a long time, about being so fucking useless, not even able to wipe the stupid floor. For a moment I consider calling Monica, but while I feel for my cell, I notice that it’s not where it should be and I remember that I left it on the living room sofa after talking to Jared before lunch. "Shit." I punch my fist into the fridge, but it only hurts and neither cleans the floor nor beams my cell over to where I need it and my mouth is still unbelievably dry.

Getting some liquid into my body seems more important than getting rid of the liquid on my boyfriend’s kitchen floor, no matter how exquisite the tiles certainly are, and I open the fridge again, noticing with a groan that the bottle I wasted was the only one in the first row and that it will be damn hard to get one of the other bottles. I could have tap water, but I’ve never been too fond of it and Jared’s glasses are even more out of reach, stored in one of the shelves in the many wall cupboards, so that’s no option at all.

Wheeling as close to the fridge as possible, I stretch myself as much as I can, sliding to the edge of the wheelchair to gain those few, missing inches. My fingers feel the cool surface of the bottle and I stretch a little more when suddenly, I lose my balance, with the wheelchair slipping away on the ground. I try to grasp something, anything, to keep me upright, but there is nothing and in a glimpse of an eye, the wheelchair’s seat is gone and there is nothing I can do as I fall, hitting my head at the edge of the fridge. The pain is sharp, takes all my breath away and I lose consciousness, even before I hit the cold, wet tiles.

There is darkness, like in sleep, like then, when I fell off the tree and broke my back. All-consuming. No sounds. No feeling. Just nothing. Just floating, like seesawing on a wave. Maybe it takes forever, maybe it takes only a few seconds, but eventually, the darkness wanes, makes way for grayness and finally light, but also pain.

Pain hammers heavily against my skull and dizziness rolls over me in gigantic waves even before I open my eyes. It gets worse when I lift my heavy eyelids, with my vision being blurred with huge, dark spots dancing before my eyes, almost as dense as the darkness of unconsciousness. I force myself to breathe slow and steady, but nausea creeps over me with every heartbeat and I feel my lunch, the delicious sandwiches Monica prepared for me, coming up the way they came into my belly. There is nothing I can do and I close my eyes as I vomit my stomach contents onto the floor, staining my tee and my hands, because somehow, I have to hold me up a little. Tears are running over my cheeks, tears of pain and humiliation, and even after I stop throwing up, I can’t stop crying, my throat feeling even drier than before.

Feeling helpless like a bug on its back that can’t turn around on its own, I lie in a puddle of cool water, with the blood of the laceration dripping down my face and mixing with the water and the vomit on the floor. The reek in the air is heavy, a mixture of copper and vomit, and I feel my stomach churning once more when I see the mess I’m lying in, but my stomach is empty, and I only gag while nothing comes up anymore.

I know I can’t stay where I am. I have to crawl over to my wheelchair, try to get back in, like I practiced in rehab and with my trainer, and have to try to get into the living room and call for help, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t move. My elbows are weak like the legs of a newborn kitten and the wheelchair is out of reach and right now, there is not any strength left in my otherwise strong arms and shoulders. Maybe later.

Closing my eyes and collecting my strength, I stay like this for some time, the disgusting stench from the puddle of vomit far too close to my nose. Only once I think I’m ready, do I open my eyes again, slowly sliding away from where I’ve fallen and over to where the wheelchair lies. But the part of my body I can feel hurts like hell, simply everywhere, my fingers, my arms, my shoulders and back, most of all my head and after only a few inches, I collapse, groaning and whimpering pathetically.

At least, the smell is less disgusting where I am, but it’s uncomfortable as hell, lying on the tiles in the wet, stained clothes, not able to find a comfortable spot, not sure when Jared will find me, only sure that it will take a long, long time.

I’m not sure if I fall asleep or lose consciousness again, but twice, I startle when the phone is ringing, and I know it’s Jared, probably worried why I don’t answer the call.

More time passes and the happy ring tone I chose for my boyfriend is a steady companion, heralding a call every few minutes. It doesn’t help much, makes me feel even worse because I know, Jared is close to a freak out.

One minute blurs into the next. It’s been hours since I fell and even though I fought hard to control it, eventually I lost control over my bladder and bowel, and that probably is the most humiliating thing of all. The phone stopped ringing a while ago, but maybe Jared gave up on me, too, like I gave up on myself because long gone is the intention to crawl over to the wheelchair, my body almost completely paralyzed now, everything stiff, everything hurting.

It’s completely dark outside, but that’s the only real sign of how much time has passed and I pray that Jared will come soon.

Finally, I hear something, a car driving down the driveway, someone disarming the alarm system and my boyfriend calling my name, his voice full with panic. "Jensen?"

I want to answer, but what escapes my dry lips is barely a whisper.

"Jensen!!!"

The whole house is dark and I hear him hurrying into the living room. "Jensen!!!" he yells with desperation.

"Jay." It’s only a weak whimper, but I think my boyfriend heard it because his steps are moving closer and finally, there is light where darkness was and Jared hovers over me, calling my name. "God Jen! What happened?" He carefully touches my head. "Talk to me."

"Fell," I breathe out and is this really my voice?

"Oh baby." He lets his hand run over my cheek. "Let me call an ambulance."

"No!" It’s much louder than earlier.

"But -"

"I’m dirty, Jay," I exhale, tears clouding my eyes. "I don’t want -."

"Shh, it’s okay." Jared runs his hand over my bloody hair. "Nothing to be ashamed of. Only natural."

"Please, don’t send me away to a hospital. No hospital," I beg, the thought of being treated there, of a stranger seeing the state I am in and cleaning me simply unbearable.

I see how Jared is torn, between his fear and my wish. "I-"

"Nothing more than a concussion and a few bruises," I promise, even though I don’t have a clue. Something might be broken because whenever I move, it hurts.

"How about I bring you upstairs and get you cleaned up and if things are not better, we talk about the hospital again?"

It sounds like a fair deal and I give in. "Okay."

Gently, Jared picks me up and carries me directly into our bathroom where he places me onto the soft, fluffy carpet. "Let me get rid of these," Jared says before cutting away the ruined tee and stripping off my pants.

I close my eyes in humiliation when the smell hits us even stronger than before, but Jared doesn’t say a word, stripping off the soiled underwear without batting an eyelash and throwing it into the trash. "No worries," Jared says, rubbing my arm in a consoling gesture. "Where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere," I admit. Suddenly, I’m very tired and all I want is a warm bed.

"Shit," Jared curses and I see, he is close to panicking, close to calling a doctor, despite my wish. "What now?" he asks, more himself than me, but I know the answer.

"Water. First aid kit," I list. "Clean the head wound. Run a bath."

"Let me just -" Jared doesn’t even finish his own sentence, but before he hurries down the stairs, he returns from the main bedroom, spreading one of the spare woolen blankets over me. "You must be cold, sweetie."

Then he is gone and I hear him running down the stairs and rummaging in the kitchen and I hope he won’t slip like I did, but then he is back, no less than two minutes later.

"Here," Jared says as he presses a bottle of cool water against my lips. It has never tasted better and I drink greedily, but after a few gulps, Jared takes it away. "Not too much. Give it a little time."

Then he gets up, opening the faucet to run the bath for me, before returning to where I still lie on the floor. "How are you man," he asks as he opens the first aid kit.

"Cold. Hurting. Dirty. Just peachy, Jay. You still think I’m a catch?" I try to joke, but fact is; it’s my deepest worry. So far, Jared’s been great, but maybe, when the shock wanes and he finally notices what he has gotten into with dating a paraplegic, he’ll leave me, despite all his promises and plans.

Jared seems to understand what’s running through my mind because he looks at me sadly, even sort of angry. "I blame it on your pain, Jensen," he says softly. "But think higher of me." It feels like a punch, hurts more than the actual pain, to know that I disappointed Jared with doubting him.

Wordlessly, Jared cleans my head wound carefully and washes my face clean with a warm washcloth. It’s nice, the warmth and the caress, and I feel a little better. "How do I look?"

"Still pretty," Jared smiles and I hope he isn’t mad with me any longer. "But I will call Bradley, Jensen. He’s an old school friend," he adds when I look at him questioningly, "and a good doctor. I trust him with my life. He’s very discreet, Jen."

"It’s almost midnight," I try to reason, hoping it’s enough to put Jared off calling his friend.

Not wanting to hear any of it, Jared brushes my argument way. "Doesn’t matter. He’ll come whenever I need him. Just give me five, okay?"

I know a lost battle when I see it, know that by no means will Jared let me go to bed without having been checked by a medic and without arguing any further, I breathe out a defeated "okay", hoping that Bradley really is indeed as trustworthy as Jared claims.

Jared retreats into the bedroom, but I barely hear him speaking since the water thunders into the tub so loudly. After less than five minutes, my boyfriend is back. "He’ll be here in twenty. Enough time to get you cleaned and dressed."

Carefully, Jared helps me to sit upright. Another wave of dizziness hits me, but it’s less heavy than earlier and Jared makes a big difference, too, his chest a welcome support.

"You okay?" he asks when he sees me scrunching my face.

"Still dizzy. Just watch over me in the tub, man. Don’t let me drown."

"Never," Jared promises, picking me up and carrying me to the tub. It’s a huge thing, big enough for two, and we already shared a few blissful sessions here.

Warmth and the scent of lavender encases me the moment Jared puts me down and a bit of the pain melts away at once. "Mmm," I sigh in pleasure, feeling much better just because I’m not cold any longer and my stiff muscles loosen a little.

"Let me do this for you," Jared says gently, taking a fresh washcloth, gently rubbing it over my neck, over my shoulder, over my back, my waist, my chest until finally, carefully washing my most intimate parts. "What happened?" he asks while gently cleaning and massaging my balls. It’s not exactly erotic, but while I don’t feel anything, I know Jared’s touching me there and it’s enough to send a shiver of pleasure through my body.

Sighing, I tell my story. "I was stupid. I should have called Monica right away but -"

"Stop it," Jared rants gently. "If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine because I should have put the water bottles on a lower shelf. But I," Jared stammers. "I was thoughtless. Shit. I simply didn’t consider that you might not be able to reach them."

"No worries, hon. Happens to the best of us. Don’t blame yourself," I say tiredly. "That’s nice, you know?"

"What?"

"The way you touch me. Wash me. How gentle you are." I’m tired and the heat dazes me a little more. "Wish I could feel you, Jay." I sniff. I haven’t been that sentimental for a long time.

Gently, Jared kisses my wet shoulder and massages the hard muscles. It’s the best answer he could give

"Now, let me help you out and get you dressed. Bradley will be here, soon," he says eventually.

*

Ten minutes later, I’m lying on my side of the bed, wearing dark pajama pants and warm socks, the blanket pulled up to my chin, and an ice-pack pressed against the head wound. Jared is downstairs, cleaning the mess in the kitchen away.

Despite Jared’s words of comfort, the humiliation of what happened, of what Jared has to do now, is still present, darkening my thoughts. Suddenly, it feels like all the hard work Jared and my family, the support group and I put in psyching me up melted away with this silly incident. It ran rings around me, made me weak and helpless and -

"Jen?" Jared pulls me out of my dark thoughts. "Bradley is here."

A man of Jared’s own age follows him and his Texas twang is heavy even in the little "hey" he says. Surprisingly, it makes me feel a little better; it’s a taste of home. "Jared told me what happened, so let me check you."

"Do you want me to stay, Jen? I can leave if you want to be alone with the doc," Jared asks while hovering over me.

I don’t mind Jared staying, but I appreciate that he asked. It shows that he respects me, and that’s something I need after the events of the day. "Stay."

Sitting down in the only armchair that normally houses a heap of clothes, Jared stays, watching how his friend treats me. Bradley does a good job as far as I can tell, asking some questions, checking my pulse and palpating my stomach.

"Do I need stitches?" I ask while Bradley removes the dressing over the wound.

"Too late, too much time passed since the accident. But don’t worry; it’s not a deep wound. It will heal nicely."

"So, what’s your diagnosis?" Jared asks worriedly. "Do we need to bring Jensen to a hospital?"

"No. But I’d like to take some x-rays and an ultrasound." Moaning, I bury my head in the pillow. I don’t want to have any x-rays or an ultrasound. I just want to sleep. A hand is rubbing my arm comfortingly. "I know you must be tired, Jensen," Bradley says sympathetically. "But I need to rule out any internal injuries and broken bones, especially in the paralyzed parts of your body. I have to be thorough here, Jensen. That’s my job."

I nod, understanding just fine, yet tears are welling up in my eyes anyways.

"We don’t need to go to a hospital," Bradley explains as if it would make the whole thing better. "I work in a medical center, we are fully equipped there. I’ll drive ahead and see you soon, okay?"

"Jen," Jared says, slipping beneath the covers and carefully touching my hurting body. "I know you’re tired and just want to sleep." He gently brushes a tear away. "Curl up here with me." Another tear rolls down my cheek, but Jared kisses the transparent blotch away. "I want it too." He rubs his hand over my side, up and down. "But I also want to make sure you’re not badly injured.

"I know," I breathe out because of course I know it’s only reasonable to check me properly. "So let’s go. The sooner we leave, the sooner we can come home."

*

It’s almost daybreak when Jared finally wheels me back into his house. I’m more than beat and my boyfriend is barely better after his long day of shooting. But at least we now know for sure that I’m okay, apart from some slightly broken ribs on my left side.

Jared helps me into bed before disappearing in the bathroom for the quickest evening routine ever. Then he slips underneath the covers, switching the lights off and carefully spooning me from behind. It hurts, but just a little bit, and I rather hurt and feel Jared, than not hurt and feel lonely.

"Now sleep," Jared whispers.

"Jay, I’m sorry -"

"Shh. Whatever you’re sorry for, not now, Jensen. Now is for sleeping."

"It’s important," I try to object. I need to explain.

"I bet it is. But us catching some sleep is also important. I promise; I will listen to you when we wake up. Now just sleep, sweetheart."

I want to object again, but I’m finally warm and Jared is a nice, solid presence behind me and slowly, I’m floating away and darkness encases me when sleep takes me away from the trouble of the day.

***

"Morning sunshine," Jared murmurs when I open my sleep-crusted eyes after a sleep that seemed far too short. Bright afternoon sunlight floods into the bedroom and despite the pain I am in, it makes me smile a little; the sunny weather and my boyfriend sitting at my side of the bed, a bunch of flowers in a vase that wasn’t there the day before.

"Hey." I reach out my hand and take Jared’s. "Thanks for the flowers."

A smile curls Jared’s lips a little and when I look closer, I see what the previous day cost him; dark rings beneath his eyes and a pale shimmer over his tanned face. I know I worried him deeply, and Jared, like I, struggles with what happened. "You’re welcome. How’re you doing, dude?"

"Peachy," I moan when I move a little. Fact is, everything hurts, my head, my shoulders, especially the side I hit the tiles with.

"Take some of the pain meds Bradley gave you and stay in bed," Jared suggests.

"Only if you join me." I don’t want to stay here all alone. "You don’t have any appointments, do you?"

"Had one. Canceled it." Jared brushes my argument away with a gesture of his hand even before I can open my lips. "It was nothing important, Jen. Just dinner with Katie and my publicist. I rather stay with you. So, you hungry?"

It’s been over 24 hours since I had something and after puking my heart out, my stomach is probably emptier than it has ever been before, but I’m not really hungry. "Not much. Maybe some bread with butter?"

Jared sighs, as if he had hoped to hear something different, but he leaves without objection. When he comes back five minutes later, he carries a tray with a glass of orange juice and two slices of buttered toast over to the bed.

I take my time, chew slowly while taking little sips of the fresh juice in between and eventually, the food is gone and Jared looks at me with satisfaction. "Need to use the bathroom, Jay," I say as he puts the tray away.

"Need some help?"

I shake my head. It still hurts a little and I regret it at once. "Just the wheelchair, baby."

Everything hurts and takes much longer than usual, but eventually I wheel back to where my boyfriend waits for me expectantly. He kept his part of the promise and slipped back beneath the sheets.

"C’mere," he whispers, lifting the sheets for me.

I heave myself back to bed where I’m welcomed by my boyfriend’s strong arms. He strokes his hand over my chest, stopping when he feels the tight bandage around my rips. "You got me real worried yesterday, Jensen," he says softly. "I don’t even want to imagine what else could have happened." He sobs, shaking his head.

"I’m okay, Jay. The ribs and the wound will heal, the bruises will fade away," I lie. Fact is, I’m not okay, not really, and I’m not sure how long it will take until the wound inside and my damaged self-confidence heals.

Jared looks at me attentively, his eyes small slits. "Do you want to talk about it, Jensen? About how you feel, really feel about it?" It’s creepy, how well my boyfriend knows me, as if he could read my mind and see the dark cloud hanging over my head.

Thing is, I know I can tell him. He is no different from the guys in the support group and I would tell them. I certainly will tell them once I’m back home; accidents like this are not exactly on the agenda, it was my first, but they happen. And maybe it was bound to happen here, in a house that is - despite all the efforts Jared took - not really equipped for my needs. "I felt, no still feel clumsy, Jay. Helpless." My words shift, from a whisper into a mere breath. "Worthless. Humiliated."

Gently, Jared rubs my chest. "What happened yesterday could have happened to anyone, Jensen, not only to a wheelchair user. People slip on wet surfaces. People hit their heads and lose consciousness. People throw up when they’re sick and when they can’t move; they eventually can’t hold back their need to relieve themselves, Jen. I know how you feel. If the roles were reversed, I’d feel humiliated too, but what happened, Jensen, was an accident. And I think the fact that you’re a paraplegic only played a small part in it."

Not sure whether to believe my boyfriend or not and what to reply, I release a shaky breath. "You ever puked and peed and shit in your kitchen, man?" I ask, but as I say it, I can’t hide the hint of amusement in my voice because saying it sounds as if it came straight from some stupid comedy show.

"No. But something equally embarrassing happened once. I was still with Genevieve and we spent the Christmas holidays with her folks in Idaho. It was ice-cold, snowing, all that shit, and she and her family wanted to go outside. So I came. I slipped on a sheet of ice, hit my head real hard, lost consciousness and puked all over myself, in front of her parents’ and sister’s eyes. I felt all the things you feel now, sweetie. Clumsy that it happened in the first place. Helpless, because I was sick and hurting all over. Humiliated. Most of all though, I felt worthless because my precious wife gave me a hard time."

Furrowing my brow, I look at Jared, not sure if he just made this up to make me feel better.

"I’m not lying to you, Jensen. Things between us were bad back then and Genevieve, I think she was bitter and very unhappy because of her career stagnating and me not wanting kids. She called me some shitty names."

"I’m sorry, love."

"Nah, don’t be. I’m happy it didn’t work out." He kisses my uninjured temple. "I have you now, baby. You’re the best, much better than anyone else."

"Jay? I’m sorry, for what I said yesterday. For doubting you." Sniffing, I squeeze Jared’s hands. "You didn’t deserve it, Jay. You’re awesome. I actually think very highly of you."

"I know, Jen. And I think I understand. In this year, I learned enough to see how the accident changed you. I don’t blame you for being self-conscious and doubtful when something like this happens. People treated you unkindly and unfairly, for lesser things. You were hurting and probably scared. I know, in normal circumstances you know that I love you and will always stick by you."

"So we’re good? You’re not mad?"

"Sure we are. But let me say something. You’re far from worthless," Jared says with determination and affection. "You still have so much to give. You make me happy, Jen. All the time, every day. Even now, with the cut on your head and the bandaged ribs. Even yesterday, when you were all red and puffy and a mess. You’re everything."

Warmth spreads through me as Jared’s words sink in and I finally realize that he really loves me, despite my body and soul being broken. It’s a wonderful feeling, this knowledge and I lock it into my heart, for those dark days that might come again eventually, just so I remember that Jared here loves me the way I am. I cup my better half’s cheek, brushing my thumb over his chin before pulling Jared closer. "I love you, Jay," I whisper, sealing it with a kiss. It’s sweet and lazy, with Jared being so careful not to hurt me while touching, but it is exactly what I need.

"I love you too, baby."

**

"Jay?" I look at my boyfriend seriously. We’ve spent the whole remaining day in bed, sometimes talking, sometimes napping, sometimes kissing and cuddling, enjoying the togetherness. Now though, I need to think of my future.

"Why do I have the feeling that I won’t like what you say?" Jared asks, his brow furrowed.

"Because you won’t like it," I admit honestly; beating around the bush here is out of question. "I can’t thank you enough for what you did here for me, Jay. It’s great here with you, and for a few weeks it’s fine, but it’s nothing I can use forever. I need to go home."

Pouting, Jared sighs. "Yeah, I know baby. And it’s okay. I don’t have much else to do. Some interviews, but maybe I can reschedule them."

I furrow my brow in surprise. "What are you talking about, Jay?"

"If you go, I’ll go with you. Nothing’s keeping me here while my boyfriend's in Dallas."

"But, aren’t there movies to shoot?"

"No, not for a while, Jen. Remember what I told you before? My future lies with you. No movies for this year. Next year, probably, but by then our home will be ready and you can come with me and hopefully, something like yesterday won’t happen again with a home being equipped the way you need it."

"Wow," I exhale. It’s hard to believe that Jared is really giving this up for me.

"No, that’s not wow." He laughs. "This is wow." Smiling broadly, he points at me, at my paralyzed, bruised body, at the skinny legs and thighs that lost most of their muscle mass since I can’t walk anymore, at the bandaged chest, at the face with far too many freckles, far too deep and long wrinkles around the eyes and an ugly wound at the temple.

"This is what I need." Deftly, he unbuttons my pajama shirt, kissing my lips, sucking at my nipples and poking his tongue into my bellybutton. "Much more than acting." Jared strips off my pajama pants too, throwing them carelessly onto the floor and soon, my underwear follows. Gently, he fondles my balls, kissing my limp dick, licking and sucking it. I don’t feel a thing, but I see Jared’s gentleness and that’s enough. "Still so beautiful," Jared exhales, with his lips wrapped around my cock. Letting go eventually, he moves down further, kissing my thighs, stroking my bowed legs, and gently playing with my toes. "Always loved your bow legs, sweetheart." He moves his lips and tongue back north, caressing my buttocks and gently moves his tongue up my spine.

I finally take in a deep breath when I can feel something again. Jared lingers there for a long time, caressing the skin around this spot, kissing and fondling. Sometimes I can feel something, sometimes not, but it’s always there, sending shiver after shiver through my body and making me feel good, adorable, even desirable.

Eventually, Jared’s face hovers above mine again, and we kiss, sometimes lazy and gentle, sometimes hungry and dirty, for minutes, for hours, I can’t tell.

"How about a bath," Jared breathes into one of the kisses eventually. "Some heat for your muscles and -"

"Sounds good," I moan, gripping my hands into Jared’s shoulders.

"Good. So let me carry you, big boy."

"No need to, sweetie."

"Let me do this, Jensen," my boyfriend demands gently. "Let me spoil you. Let me carry you. To the bathroom and to the end of the world."

Groaning softly, I suck in Jared’s lower lip and move my hands down his muscled back. "Okay," I exhale thoughtfully. "If it makes you happy."

"Everything I do for you makes me happy," Jared replies, smiling fondly.

"Princess."

"And proud of it," Jared responds, beaming broadly, looking exactly like I feel; like the happiest man alive.

Epilogue

It’s our fourth anniversary and Jared and I are sitting on a blanket in the grass of our residence’s park. Faint stars sparkle on a dark moonlit canopy, one of the horses whinnies in the stables behind us and the thunder of the waves against the cliff is a steady but comforting sound in the background. Jared’s chest is a warm, solid wall behind me, his arms encasing me gently, his fingers caressing here and fondling there and his lips kissing random spots of skin. Like so often, he treats me like I’m his most precious possession and deep down I know, I am.

Turning around, I see Jared’s smiling face and the beautiful house he built for us. If there really are ghosts, they are friendly, not bothering us, maybe even protecting us. While at first, I was hesitant to settle again in California, in the end, this place became our paradise on earth, our safe haven. Long ago I brought Rufus with me and while I’m still in touch with my friends from my support group, going to meetings during the rare times I’m back in Dallas, I found a group of wheelchair users in Pasadena I see once a week. They’re great guys and Jared supports me, is happy for me that I found friends who share my fate, who can understand me when Jared, as much as he loves me, sometimes comes to his limits.

I let my hand run over Jared’s smiling face. Older nowadays, since we both aren’t exactly young anymore, but he still looks adorable, like the Greek God he always will be for me. He kept his promise, doesn’t shoot more than one movie a year and never ones that are shot outside the States. He had to turn down countless lucrative offers, but he only shrugged whenever that happened, saying that I’m his priority, not some stupid movie.

My heart is full of love for Jared, for what he gave to me, for what he is to me. “I love you, Jay," I whisper, poking my nose against his.

Catching it with his lips, Jared nibbles it gently, before his mouth moves a little down and our lips touch, dancing, breathing, tasting, everything in the rhythm of our beating hearts.

I close my eyes and the past flashes into my vision; every kiss, every touch we shared, every time we tenderly or passionately made love or just lay curled up together, listening to the other’s heartbeat and soft breathing, in our bed or here, outside in the grass, beneath a starlit sky.

I remember every little step I took, Jared by my side, into the light, into a now that is bright and happy, into a present where I accept the way I am, with all its restrictions. It’s a present where I write music with my buddies, a present where I spend hours and hours horseback riding with my boyfriend, a present full of laughter spent with friends, and a present with a goal in mind, when Jared offered me to work with him, as a director of one his next films. It’s a challenge I gladly took and I’m looking forward to it, to prove myself behind the camera once more and work with the man I love.

I remember a single red rose Jared gave me six months ago with a simple golden band attached to it. His words of love, his promise of forever. How he slipped the ring onto my finger, how Jared kissed me after I gave the only answer that made sense after four years full of life and love. How Jared carried me into the pool, dancing with me, holding me, kissing me, crying with me in joy.

And I remember those gentle words spoken what seems like eons ago. Jared didn’t carry me to the end of the world. But he carried me out of the darkness and back to life.

The End