Chapter Text
June 4, 2012
“Yamaguchi?”
He blinked at the sound of his name. “Yeah?” he replied a few seconds later, still not sure who had asked in the first place.
“You’re up to serve again,” Daichi said. Again? Already? It seemed like it had just been his turn not too long ago. Peculiar. Yamaguchi nodded, gave a quick apology, and then proceeded to completely botch the serve.
His body tensed as the volleyball rammed into the net. What was that? He’d been getting so much better recently, and this was already the second time today he’d messed it up so badly. He stepped off the court and leaned back against the wall next to Tsukishima, wishing he could shrink into himself.
“Pull yourself together,” he muttered to himself. Tsukishima glanced at him sidelong from behind his glasses before returning to watching the others serve. Yamaguchi swallowed tightly. Just stress, probably, he thought. Right?
“Hey,” Sugawara said.
“Oh, hi,” Yamaguchi said, slightly startled. He had been practicing his serve some more after practice had ended, trying to figure out why he had been so off today. He’d been totally fine for the hour he’d been practicing so far. Sure, he’d flubbed a few serves, but not like how he had earlier at practice.
“You sure you’re okay?” Sugawara asked. He seemed concerned.
Yamaguchi nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine,” he said. Mildly awkward, he thought. He was thankful for Sugawara’s concern and all, but it made him feel slightly uncomfortable. He’d been sleeping poorly for a while now, but he hadn’t thought it had impacted anything that much. Especially enough that other people would notice.
“Alright. You’ve just seemed a little off recently.” Suga shrugged. “Maybe it’s just me,”
Yamaguchi gave his own shrug in return while thinking, Or maybe it’s just me.
June 20, 2012
His parents were getting worried.
Yamaguchi didn’t see the problem. He was just tired, just having a bad week, but his parents claimed this so-called “bad week” had been going on for almost two months.
As he sat in the waiting room of the doctor’s office, he couldn’t help but feel annoyed. As always, he was grateful for the concern, but he knew himself better than anyone. He would know if something were actually wrong.
He scrolled boredly through his phone until he heard his name called. He was handed a form and told to fill it out. He grimaced at the questions - they seemed to all be about depression, which he was sure he didn’t have. He was just tired. What was so wrong with that?
Yamaguchi:
hi
can you talk rn
Tsukishima stared at the messages. This was certainly out of the ordinary.
Tsukishima:
yeah what about
Yamaguchi:
do you think i’m acting weird
Tsukishima:
i mean
He paused. What was this about? Yamaguchi had been a little weird recently, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell him that.
Tsukishima:
why do you ask
Yamaguchi:
it’s... complicated
just tell me
Tsukishima:
just a little weird
There, he said it. The text bubble kept forming and disappearing, as if he couldn’t figure out how to reply.
Yamaguchi:
my parents think something is wrong with me
Tsukishima:
why
Yamaguchi:
i don’t know
i have to go but i’ll talk to you later
Tsukishima:
yamaguchi what’s wrong
He waited a few long minutes for the reply, but it never came. He normally tried not to worry about such things, but…
Tsukishima:
hello
you there
yamaguchi?
June 29, 2012
Stupid. he thought over and over as he stared out the window. Yamaguchi was supposed to be paying attention to the teacher, but he still couldn’t take his mind off what had happened over a week ago. He was trying his best to block it out. Because nothing was wrong with him.
He was fine.
He didn’t need a psychiatrist.
He didn’t need any sort of medication.
He was absolutely, positively, fine.
It had become his mantra over the past few days. (i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine) No one believed him. What irritated him even more was that he had overheard his mother on the phone a few times since the doctor discussing his nonexistent “condition”. Every night, he’d be asked about it, and every night, he’d vehemently deny anything was wrong, which only seemed to fuel their fears even more. A vicious cycle, it was.
And it seemed like he wasn’t getting out of it for a while.
“I’m fine !” he shouted. Both of his parents stared, taken aback, but he didn’t care. He was fed up. “You ask me this every day, and every day, I tell you I’m fine. And every day, you ignore it.” His continuation of his mini-speech only earned him more incredulous looks. “Why is this such a surprise to you?”
They exchanged a glance before his mother sighed and shook her head.
“What?” Yamaguchi asked, exasperated. He only received another shake of her head, the standard response now, it seemed. “Just… just forget it,” he muttered. “I’m sorry.”
He retreated to the safety of his room, pinching the bridge of his nose.
(i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine nothing is wrong with me i’m fine i’m fine)
July 9
It was empty without him again.
He’d never admit it to anyone, but Tsukishima missed having Yamaguchi at practice. He’d taken the last week off at his parents (forced) request. They thought it was some sort of concussion, but Tsukishima doubted it.
He shoved his stuff into his bag and pulled out his phone.
Tsukishima:
you know when you’ll be back?
Yamaguchi:
no
Tsukishima:
oh
He frowned and sighed. Soon, he told himself.
July 26, 2012
Yamaguchi:
hey tsukki
Tsukki:
yeah
Yamaguchi:
i’m not going to be at practice for a while
Tsukki:
wait why
i thought it was only two weeks you had to miss
Yamaguchi:
it was but
things changed
i’m fine though
Tsukki:
oh
Yamaguchi:
don’t worry about it
they’re just overreacting
Tsukki:
ok
you sure you’re good?
Yamaguchi:
yes
He sighed, leaning back in the semi-uncomfortable chair. Yamaguchi was already pretty annoyed he had to be here in the first place, and the doctor running almost an hour late certainly wasn’t helping his mood.
At first, he was relieved at the sound of the door clicking, but then he remembered that with the promise of company, incessant questions always followed. He forced his way through normal pleasantries - hi how are you and the like. The doctor introduced himself as Dr. Takahashi, but Yamaguchi had already known this much from his parents' (also incessant, not to mention easily overheard) conversations.
“I’m just going to ask you some questions for now. Is that ok?” Dr. Takahashi asked. Yamaguchi only gave a nod in reply. “Have you been sleeping alright recently?”
“I guess,” he muttered. In truth, he hadn’t slept well in a while, but he wasn’t going to set himself up.
Dr. Takahashi nodded, entering something in his laptop. “Have you felt depressed recently?”
He considered before lying, “No.” He wouldn’t be feeling depressed if his family wasn’t looking at him like he was crazy.
“Are you doing well in school?” the doctor continued.
“Why does it matter?” Yamaguchi blurted, earning him a pointed look. “Well enough,” he amended before adding, “I guess a little worse. There, some truth.
Dr. Takahashi nodded again. “And you still like seeing your friends and family?”
“I miss my friends,” he said slowly. “But my parents act like I’m insane.” Why was he teling him this? It’s not like his honesty would really change anything, but he guessed it was worth a shot. The doctor stared at him for a second, but quickly recovered his professionalism. Odd, he thought.
(he thinks you’re nuts he knows you’re nuts i’m fine i’m fine i’m FINE)
“Are you using any substances?” Now it was Yamaguchi’s turn to stare. Great, not only did they think him insane, but also a drug addict.
“No. Never,” he said quickly. Ironic how one of his truths sounded so much like a lie.
The doctor called in his parents while he was ushered outside. Immature as it was, he strained his ears to listen. It was his health, after all. Why shouldn’t he know?
“... for agreeing to talk privately,” his mother’s voice said. So she probably requested that he be kept in the dark about this. He nearly rolled his eyes before remembering there were other people nearby.
“I can’t quite place a diagnosis with confidence yet,” the doctor said. Yamaguchi wasn’t able to catch the next few sentences, but he could tell it wasn't what anyone wanted to hear from the few words he did make out.
Hallucinations.
Depression.
Memory loss.
Ridiculous, he seethed to himself. Because I am absolutely, positively, fine.