Archive of Our Own ^beta

There was pressure on his shoulder and a knee at his neck. Dimitri’s body was tense in a way that let him know that if he were to move something would break, but he only registered it absentmindedly, most of his focus held by something else.

Someone else. Felix above him looked down at him with vicious satisfaction, and Dimitri couldn’t look away.

“Well, boar?” Felix looked terribly pleased - he had not looked pleased with Dimitri for a long time. It was startling. Some of his hair had come loose from his bun and was falling into his face. There was a flush on Felix’s cheeks, his lips pulled back to bare his teeth, the corners turned up at the corner. 

The expression was so familiar, yet so long unseen that it hit Dimitri like a punch to the gut.

Felix was smiling. 

The sight of it took his breath away much more than being thrown to the ground had. Felix's cheeks were squished up, his eyes crinkled slightly, and there was no frown on his face.

Highlighted by the late afternoon sun, Felix perched on top of him and pinning him to the ground, Dimitri came to a startling realization. 

Felix was beautiful.

Of all the things Dimitri had expected to come out of grappling class that day, that bone-deep knowledge had not been one of them, and it left him distracted for the rest of the class, causing a number of his classmates to worry for him.

Felix too looked at him with a puzzled frown, for once without a trace of disgust or scorn, just like it had been when he had been sitting above him triumphantly. 

Usually, Dimitri would find some pleasure in having Felix's attention in such a fashion, but he was too rattled by his newfound knowledge for that. Instead, he found his heartbeat speeding up and his cheek flushing under the attention.

Even with the frown now returned to his face, and the downturn of his lips, he remained beautiful. Dimitri could not unsee it.

It was apparent in everything Felix did. From the tips of his long fingers to the way his hair fell along the side of his elegant neck, suddenly each and every one of his movements was graceful. Even the way his lips curled in disdain, and the dismissive way he shrugged his shoulders weren’t excluded.

His realization had been no mistake. Felix was beautiful.

But since when? 

-

As a child, Felix had been nothing special. Cute, with chubby cheeks and an adoring smile reserved for Dimitri alone. He had been home and comfort. His best friend. 

Now, at seventeen, Felix was beautiful. He was still part of home, still a comfort, if only for that fact that Felix saw the darkest part of him and did not pretend not to see it. He was also no longer his friend, no matter how much Dimitri wished otherwise. 

The disconnect caused by his revelation did not leave Dimitri after the grappling class but instead continued to haunt his everyday life. 

He noticed it in class when he found himself watching the way Felix’s lips shaped words. During meals when he watched long, elegant fingers handle the utensils. During church when Felix’s lips pursed just so. During chores when he watched Felix’s arms flex when he brushed down the horse. Or between classes seeing Felix interact with their classmates. Lips curling, eyes crinkling, almost smiling.

And always, always, always during sparring. 

Felix was beautiful. 

Dimitri did not understand why he could not set aside the thought, or at least move past it. No one else seemed to share his problem. 

The professor might comment on the smoothness of Felix’s movements. Ingrid told him she was glad to see Felix's charming smile, and Sylvain commented on Felix’s- well. 

The less said the better - Dimitri did not want Felix’s fury fixed on him the way he had fixed on Sylvain after that one thoughtless comment.

(But Felix did indeed have strong legs and impressive thighs; his training would allow for nothing else.)

Dimitri found some comfort in the fact that other people at least seemed to be able to acknowledge Felix’s grace, but none of them seemed to be consumed by it the way he was.

When he had made a reference to Ingrid only an hour after she had made her comment about Felix’s charming smile, she had needed a moment to figure out what he was talking about. The “Your Highness, really?” had taken him aback.

Dimitri had no idea what to make of the amused look she sent him afterward, but the twinkle in her eye made him feel like he had made a mistake. It was the same one that she had always had when she was about to brutally defeat them in a snowball fight, or when Felix, Sylvain, and he were going to embarrass themselves terribly, while she was going to laugh. 

Naturally, Dimitri let the matter go - for the moment.

--

However, letting it go, in action as well as decision, was harder than expected. Before, Dimitri would have said that the monastery was big, but suddenly it seemed like it was surprisingly small.

Felix was everywhere. They shared a lot of the same classes, took meals in the same time slots, were part of the same house and both spent a lot of time training. There were only a few hours of Dimitri’s waking time where he did not see Felix. 

It was ironic that back before the revelation he had been glad for the chance to see his one time best friend - not that he wasn’t glad to see Felix now! It was just distracting. Instead of just noticing Felix's presence and moving on, Felix had become the focus of his attention, distracting him from whatever else he had been doing.

It was especially bad during weapon training when Felix seemed the happiest. (Not as happy as he had been that day after grappling, but-) Dimitri could not tear his gaze away. 

Eventually, Dimitri decided that the best way to deal with his problem would be to focus on something about Felix that was not beautiful. Given that Felix regularly got complaints about his abusive behavior and his rudeness, Dimitri figured it would not be too hard.

He was wrong.

If anything, studying Felix closely made the whole thing even worse.

He tracked the way Felix moved across the training grounds, the way he swung his sword, the way he angrily tugged his hair out of his face when it escaped from his bun, the way he smirked when he mastered a particularly tricky move. 

The way his nose wrinkled when he heard something he disliked, or the dismissive tilt of his head. The smugness he included when he defeated his opponent. The probably self-directed sneer on his face when Ingrid swiped his legs out under him with the butt of her lance. It shouldn’t have been eye-catching, it shouldn’t have been beautiful, it wouldn’t have been on any other person, but on Felix, it somehow remained attractive in Dimitri’s eyes.

There was also the way the furrow between Felix’s brows got deeper every time he caught Dimitri looking. Sooner or later Felix would call him out, and Dimitri had no idea what defense or explanation he could give that would not make Felix even angrier.

Even the image of that - Felix angry and flushed, and focused on Dimitri alone - was still something he would like to see. 

As it turned out, however, it was not Felix who noticed his focus first. Instead, it was Sylvain. During classes that day Dimitri had noticed his friend watching him several times: at times he had seemed thoughtful, other times amused.

And then, after his spar with Mercedes - who, Dimitri was well aware, was a very dangerous ally and opponent with a sword in hand! - Sylvain eventually ambled over to Dimitri. The smile on his lips promised trouble and was often followed by a headache for Dimitri and Ingrid.

“Well, Your Highness, if you don’t stop staring at Felix like that, someone is going to get ideas...” A pause, deliberately dramatic, “... or Felix is going to catch on and try to murder you.” For some reason, Sylvain sounded amused about the latter part. 

Felix's displeasure was familiar, so Dimitri focused on the obviously more important part of his friend's statement, “The wrong idea?” He picked up the practice lance he had been eyeing. “What do you mean?”

Sylvain chuckled, and the grin on his face was the one Dimitri was fairly sure often caused young ladies to want to punch him. Dimitri sympathized. 

“Your Highness, Your Highness. You're a big boy now.” Friendly and teasing condescension was something Sylvain pulled off without trouble. “You should know that when someone focuses all of their attention on another person, there are only two reasons for it: Murder or Romance!” Sylvain grinned, “And since you are not the type to plot murder - much less Felix’s murder - it can only be romance!”

An arm was slung over Dimitri’s shoulder and he found himself pulled against Sylvain’s side. “Has our good friend Felix awakened your libido, Your Highness? If you have any questions I will of course assist you to the best of my ability. It’s my specialty after all.”

It took a moment for Dimitri to connect Sylvain’s easy-going manner with what he was actually saying, but once he did, he sputtered.

“What!?” Dimitri exclaimed far too loudly, gaining a raised brow from Sylvain, and strange looks from his other classmates. Ingrid’s brow furrowed and she lowered her lance, clearly intending to come over to them and make sure Sylvain wasn’t behaving inappropriately. Dimitri waved her off with a somewhat forced smile; he really did not want another person involved in this - whatever it was.

“No, Sylvain. It’s nothing of that sort.” Romance and Felix, that was. Well, he had no words for it, but it set strangely in his stomach. Warm, fluttery. Like he had eaten the wrong thing. “It’s something else entirely.”

“Oh?”

Inclining his head, Dimitri tried to explain, “I, I just noticed something about Felix recently, and…. It has had me preoccupied.” He gave Sylvain a smile. “But there is no need to worry.”

The last was, of course, the wrong thing to say.

The humor vanished from Sylvain’s eyes, and he suddenly looked much more serious. “Dimitri.” Dimitri liked it when his friends called him by his name, but Sylvain only ever did so when he thought something was wrong. “Did something happen?”

Grimacing, Dimitri shook his head. Knowing Sylvain, the other likely expected the worst. If only it was something serious, and not this strange distraction on Dimitri’s part.

“No, there really is no need to worry.”

The look on Sylvain’s face made it clear that he did not believe it, so Dimitri switched tracks. Sylvain and Felix were close, best friends these days - and he tried to keep the bitterness down - so maybe Sylvain would be able to tell him when Felix had started to look like this. And have an explanation for how Dimitri could have missed it. 

“Say,” he started casually, “have you noticed that Felix is beautiful?”

A long pause followed his question, and Dimitri tore his gaze away from where it had wandered back to Felix, who was watching Ashe demonstrate something with a bow.

Sylvain was simply looking at him, the look on his face incredulous, and then a heartbeat later, he howled with laughter. All heads on the training grounds turned in their direction again.

Felix frowned, and the way it wrinkled his brow was somehow carelessly elegant. The fact that he noticed meant that Dimitri had been staring again. If nothing else, Sylvain’s laughter gave Dimitri an excellent incentive to redirect his attention.

“Sylvain!” he hissed under his breath, but only got a wildly flapping hand in answer. “This is not a laughing matter.”

If anything, Sylvain seemed to laugh harder. 

Pinching the bridge of his nose and turning so the flush he could feel crawling on his face wasn’t as easily visible, Dimitri cursed himself. He should have known better than to ask.

Sylvain’s laughter seemed to go on for an eternity, and by the time he finally regained control of himself, Dimitri had considered simply walking off many times. However, he was very much aware of the fact that Sylvain’s presence was a deterrent to all those curious enough to inquire what had caused the laughter. And he really didn’t want to repeat himself if that was the answer he got. 

Was it because it was obvious? Because Dimitri had taken embarrassingly long to notice?

“Well, Your Highness,” Sylvain eventually told him, amusement still clear in his voice, “I can honestly tell you that that’s not something I have ever thought about. That’s something I save for the ladies.”

The wink that followed was truly unnecessary. Dimitri rolled his eyes, “Sylvain, that’s not what I meant. I simply mean that he is very aesthetically pleasing from an objective standpoint.”

“Uh-huh.”

Pursing his lips, Dimitri shook his head, “Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked.”

There was a pause, and that made Dimitri immediately suspicious. He turned away from Felix (and when had he looked back at him again?) to focus on Sylvain. To his surprise, the other was studying Felix as well. A thoughtful look on his face.

A brief spark of hope kindled in Dimitri’s chest and he thought that Sylvain had had that moment as well, the one that Dimitri had experienced at the training grounds. However, he knew that it wasn’t the case as soon as Sylvain’s lips started twitching again. Dimitri turned his gaze away (to look at the professor, not Felix!) before Sylvain caught his eye and made another one of his comments. 

“Whatever you say, Your Highness,” From the corner of his eye he spotted Sylvain nodding sagely. “I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

A snicker and Sylvain turned to leave. “Not the wrong idea after all.” Dimitri heard him mumble to himself before Sylvain once more turned to face Dimitri and gave him a salacious wink. “Alright Your Highness, I wish you all the luck in the world,” he snickered. “You will certainly need it.” 

With those words, Sylvain left, still chuckling under his breath. 

As was so often the case, he had not been any help at all. In fact, it only distracted Dimitri further.

--

During mealtime some days after that conversation, Felix shoved half of his meat on Dimitri’s plate and watched him while he ate, snidely commenting that even boars should know how to eat.

Dedue, on Dimitri’s other side, breathed a sigh of relief when Dimitri started eating, and he wondered if he had worried his friend again. Felix, at least, seemed displeased by Dimitri’s distraction, and he would have been even less pleased if he knew he was the reason. 

Felix had noticed, however, and that made Dimitri feel strangely warm. 

--

The next person to come up to him and make mentions of him and Felix was Annette of all people, though he believed it might have been unintentional. He had just managed to prevent her from recounting one of his childhood misadventures courtesy of Gilbert - and Dimitri had no idea how she managed to make them sound even more embarrassing than they had been when he had experienced them in person! - when she suddenly switched tracks. 

“You know, Your Highness,” she mused, “I never really thought about it, but Felix is in most of the stories that father told me as well.” She giggled. “I almost can’t imagine it being the same Felix. He seems like a different person!”

Dimitri smiled, but it was half-hearted at best. Luckily, Annette didn’t notice, her hands fluttering through the air in excitement. “He sounds so cute!” she exclaimed. “So different from the meanie of today!”

At that, Dimitri’s lips twitched and he chuckled, reminded of the way Felix’s face twisted whenever Annette called him a meanie. The sound brought Annette’s attention back to him; she looked a bit thoughtful.

“Say, was he really that pouty? In father’s stories, he always seems to be in a bad mood - much like today! Just, you know, less grumpy.”

Surprised by the question, Dimitri chuckled. “Well, as a kid Felix was always very-” he paused, searching for the right word, but none of the ones that came to his mind at first quite fit, until he eventually settled on, “cute.”

The words after that came easy. “He was a sweet kid, and while he did pout a lot, that was mostly because Gustave was always on about us doing the training he had planned for me, while Felix would rather do different things when we got to meet.”

“Felix wanted to get out of training?” Annette sounded incredulous, and Dimitri laughed out loud.

“Sometimes! It’s hard to imagine, isn’t it? But back then, he loved playing too, and... well...” The memory was sweet. “It was mostly lance training, and Felix doesn’t like those much. So instead we would often play out the old tales.” He grinned at Annette. “You probably know them too, Loog and Kyphon, the three knights of Rhodes Coast.” 

Annette giggled, “Loog and the Maiden of the Wind!”

They laughed together, and then Dimitri remembered something he just had to share, even if Felix likely wouldn't appreciate it.

“Or the Prince, the Rogue Knight, and the Brotherhood of Teutates Coast.” Annette nodded cheerfully, indicating she knew that story too, so Dimitri continued, “I had to be the Prince, of course. Ingrid would not allow anything else, and since Ingrid insisted that she would be one of the knights, and neither she nor Felix would allow Sylvain to be the Lady-”

“Ohhhh! Felix was the Lady?” Annette seemed delighted.

Dimitri nodded. “Yes, and a knight.”

“Which one?” 

“Ser Oliver, otherwise he would not be Lady Luna,” Dimitri remembered that much clearly. Ser Oliver was the only knight accompanying the prince from the very beginning. The one who did not mind working with royalty and thought that the prince was a good man. Who helped him and was always on his side. Felix had not minded being the Lady and wrapped one of the blankets around himself like a shirt as long as he could be Dimitri’s friend first.

“How did that work?”

Dimitri paused and tried to think back. “I honestly don’t remember. We made it work somehow.” They had, they had played it a lot.

“Even the speeches?” Annette inquired curiously, Dimitri could see that she was trying to figure it out herself, mentally coming up with scenarios that would make sense. 

“Oh, yes. That was easy.” At least Dimitri had never had any problems acting it out. Not in general at least. 

The speeches were the most famous part of the story. In one, the Prince declared his love for the lady of the lake who was considered to be a witch and promised to love her forever, despite their different stations in life. On the other, the prince and Ser Oliver swore to always be companions or friends. Much like Loog and Kyphon. Most children of Faerghus could recount at least a variation of them.

“Easy?”

Dimitri nodded. “Yes. We made them pretty much the same person I think.”

Annette giggled. “So the magic knight Ser Oliver? Or was it Lady Luna?”

“Ah, not quite,” Dimitri confessed, “I kept messing up my lines in that part. Ingrid was furious.”

“Your Highness! How could you mess up the speeches! They’re famous!” Annette sounded almost as appalled as Ingrid had been. It was funny and brought back memories of all the times they had played. 

However, it wasn’t the speeches that Dimitri had messed up, just-

“I only got the names wrong! I kept calling him Felix.”

Annette was silent for a moment. “So, was it two speeches? Once you called him Ser Felix, and once Lady Felix?”

Dimitri shook his head. “No, we made it one speech. So I basically put both the vow and the declaration of love together. It worked pretty well.”

“... And he didn’t mind?”

“That I messed up the name?” Dimitri laughed. “No, he was a bit flustered of course, but his answers were always very sweet.”

The memory still brought a smile to his face. Felix with his cheeks slightly red, ignoring Ingrid's outrage at the wrong names, forcing himself to look Dimitri into the eye and tell him very seriously that he loved him too and that they would be friends forever. Since the prince in the story had no name Dimitri had always been able to use his own name anyway - even now Dimitri could remember the way he had sounded and how sweet it had been.

Beside him, Annette suddenly giggled, and Dimitri turned to give her a questioning look.

She waved her hand cheerfully. “Sorry, Your Highness. I just thought about how it would be if we played that story today, and Felix got to play the lady knight!”

Dimitri blinked, and his mind's eye conjured up a picture. Felix dressed up for a play, a strange mix of knights armor and fancy nobles clothing. Forcing himself to look Dimitri into the eye. A flush on his cheeks. 

And then, telling him he loved him and that they would be friends forever.

Even imagining it made something warm spread through his chest, and he found himself smiling. It would only be for play of course, and Felix likely would call him a boar, but it was a nice thought - a nice dream - all the same.

Beside him, there was a squeak, and he turned to look at Annette again. She was looking at him with big shining eyes. The same way she usually looked at Mercedes’ sweets.

“Ohhhh,” she sang and clapped her hands together. She looked delighted. “Good luck, Your Highness!”

Dimitri had no idea what she thought he needed luck with.

--

Felix was beautiful with the sword of Zoltan in hand and something that could almost be called a smile on his lips. The position he took when he showed off the blade was achingly like the one he used to strike as a kid when it was time for Ser Oliver to make his vow.

It almost made Dimitri forget about the sword.

--

Ashe, it seemed, truly had the eyes of an excellent archer, because he was the next one to notice Dimitri’s wandering mind. Dimitri could not help himself. He still thought that Felix was beautiful, but now it was also mixing with the sweet memories of their shared childhood. Of their friendship, of Felix in his life. It distracted him almost as much as glimpses at Felix’s beauty and grace did. 

And, well, Ashe noticed.

While they were working in the stables, Dimitri could feel the way Ashe’s eyes kept flickering over to him again and again.

Hoping to escape questioning and end up in a situation like the one with Sylvain, Dimitri ignored it. He didn’t really think that Ashe would laugh at him the way Sylvain had - he was much too kind and thoughtful for that. And maybe it was that kindness that made Dimitri eventually broach the subject; more carefully worded than the last time of course. 

“Say, Ashe, what would you say makes someone beautiful?”

Because maybe if he figured out what had caused him to suddenly see Felix as beautiful - or maybe recognize the beauty in him? - then he would have a better idea of how to handle this. 

Ashe started at his question, dropping his brush and turned to face him with wide eyes. He caught himself quickly, however, and picked up his brush.

“Sorry, Your Highness, that surprised me,” he mumbled with a chuckle. “What makes you ask?”

Dimitri paused, unsure of how to answer that without giving too much away. Ashe, however, misinterpreted his hesitation, and looked at him with wide eyes, his hand coming up in a defensive gesture. “I’m sorry, Your Highness, you don’t need to answer.”

Dimitri shook his head, “No, no. It’s fine, Ashe. I was just wondering how best to explain.” He licked his lips, “Recently I- well noticed that someone was beautiful,” he did not know why admitting it made his cheeks flush and his hands sweat inside his gauntlets, “and I don’t understand why I never noticed it before.”

Ashe nodded next to him, slightly pink in the face as well. “Oh, I see.”

Dimitri nodded as well, before taking a deep breath. “So, I asked Sylvain,” Ashe grimaced and Dimitri felt his lips twitch in amusement, “and you saw his reaction.”

Ashe’s chuckled, “In class last week?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” Ashe moved onto the horse’s mane, not looking at Dimitri but instead focused intently on his work, “I have never experienced that, so I can’t really tell you the answer.”

The disappointment that suddenly flooded him shouldn’t have been a surprise. It had been a shot in the dark after all.

“But!” Ashe added, sounding almost excited. “I can tell you how it usually is in the stories!”

Dimitri blinked. “What do you mean?”

The grin on Ashe’s face was excited, “Well, in the knight tales, if the knight meets his lady they often describe them as beautiful. Or how stunning and skillful they are. How they outshine all others. Or,” and the excitement got even more obvious, “how Ser Leon returned from the war to come face to face with his childhood friend the Lady-”

Eyes widening, Dimitri balked. He knew that story. How was it that Ashe’s thoughts went in the same direction as Sylvain’s? Romance. With Felix. 

“It's not like that!” Dimitri cut him off, before checking himself. Ashe was staring at him with wide eyes. Clearing his throat, Dimitri apologized, “I’m sorry Ashe, I didn’t mean to be rude, but,” and he had to clear his throat again, “my feelings are not of a romantic nature. I simply noticed that Fel-” he cut himself off, “someone is beautiful. And I hadn’t ever considered it before. So it came as a bit of a surprise, and I have been preoccupied since.”

He looked at Ashe, hoping that the other boy had understood.

He found that the way Ashe looked at him was very thoughtful now, but the twinkle of amusement in his eyes was a bit unsettling. “I see.”

Dimitri gave him a smile hoping to change the subject. “I thank you all the same.” He turned back to the horse. “If you don’t mind, we should-”

“Your Highness?” Dimitri paused, and turned to Ashe again. “I do have a story that might fit that situation as well, if you would like to hear it?”

Somehow Dimitri had a feeling that the situation Ashe was referring to wasn’t the same one, but turning him down when he had brought up the topic to begin with would be rude. So he nodded.

Ashe smiled brightly. “It’s actually not a story I read, but a story my mother told me.”

Dimitri nodded and turned to move onto the next horse. Ashe cleared his throat and began his story. From what Dimitri could tell it was a story about the friendship of two children who grew up together until they were forced to part because duty called one family away. The friends kept in contact through letters but did not see each other for many years. As the story continued, Dimitri found himself spellbound. Ashe was an excellent storyteller as he got more and more engaged in telling the tale, and Dimitri was the one doing most of the work. He didn’t mind.

He brushed out the horse's mane as Ashe told him about how the childhood friends met again in the middle of an attack on a castle, where one saved the other's life, but they did not recognize each other. At this point, Ashe turned to look at him before continuing.

“And Lukas looked at the man that had seen him and was stunned by his beauty and grace. He could not get it out of his mind,” Ashe concluded, “not even when they reunited and fought their enemies together.”

Dimitri hummed; it had been a good story. He could imagine how it would continue, poor Lukas. Hopefully, he would be able to handle it better than Dimitri.

“How did he deal with it?” Dimitri found himself asking.

Ashe shrugged. “Well, he probably struggled a lot. Finding someone who is a close friend beautiful might be a bit difficult at first because he could hardly forget he had realized it, but eventually, Lukas came to terms with it and how he felt about his friend, and they worked together as partners and supported one another. His friend was just very special to him.”

Ashe paused then. “So, what do you think? Was it more along your lines?”

Dimitri shrugged. “I don’t really know.” The situation really wasn’t the same, after all - it was hardly like he had not seen Felix for years - but he could understand why Ashe thought it might resonate with him. “But I really appreciate your help. Thank you, Ashe.”

Come to terms with it? Dimitri had tried.

Ashe grinned. “You’re welcome.” The grin turned cheeky. “If you figure out your situation, I can tell you the rest of the story.”

“There is more?”

Ashe laughed. “Of course!”

--

The situation did not change in the weeks that followed, but Dimitri managed to come to terms with the new normal that was staring at Felix. He even managed to convince himself that he was doing just fine and that no one had noticed. 

So what if Felix was beautiful?

Obviously, Dimitri just hadn’t been paying attention before. It was perfectly understandable. With Remire and everything going on it was frankly a miracle that he had noticed. 

The troubles, however, were also part of the reason that Dimitri eventually stopped trying to find a solution, or a resolution rather, for his problem. 

Because if nothing else (and Felix was so much else: strong, charismatic, playful when it suited him, charming when he tried, determined, talented, beautiful-) Felix was incredibly distracting. 

So when the ghosts got especially loud, Dimitri let his mind and eyes wander to Felix. Despite still being a dangerous endeavor - though Dimitri would admit to feeling no small amount of pleasure when Felix narrowed his eyes at him - it became calming. 

A new kind of normal.

So, of course, something had to change. And the professor was the one who kicked the stone loose. 

“You will certainly manage the grace required for the dance.” The professor’s voice was bland, but she showed no trace of doubt. “We will be counting on you, Felix.”

Felix sputtered, eyes wide and startled, a pretty flush appearing on his cheeks.

Sylvain tried to contain his bark of laughter with a cough, Ingrid’s lips kept twitching, Annette clapped her hands together, and the professor nodded, seemingly pleased with herself.

All of them were amused, but none of them were convinced that Felix had a chance at actually leading them to victory in the White Heron Cup. 

No one but Dimitri; to him, it came strangely easy. 

When Felix turned to look at him amidst the bustle of their laughing classmates, Dimitri gave him an encouraging smile. It made Felix flush angrily and look away quickly, but for once, Dimitri could not bring himself to mind; after all, he would get to see Felix dance. 

--

Nothing - not even his secretive attempts to watch Felix’s practice with the professor - could have prepared Dimitri for the sight of Felix dancing at the White Heron Cup. The light from the chandeliers overhead reflected on his dark hair as he twisted and turned and spun.

Dimitri was surprised that Felix had not brought his sword to the competition - it was one of the more common dancer weapons, after all. And maybe that surprise was part of the reason Dimitri was so stunned by the sight in front of him. Not having a sword in his hand changed something about the image Felix presented. 

He was still graceful, still elegant. Still beautiful. The lethal edge he had always carried with him, and that had become as characteristic to him as his cutting tongue was… lessened. It did not disappear, because it was part of Felix, but it was hidden. Concealed maybe, by the smoothness of his movements and the grace of his steps.

Like the claws of a cat carefully sheathed. 

The music reached the crescendo, and then, in a smooth movement that made the dancer uniform billow around him, Felix sunk to his knees, his arms still spread. On his wrist, the gold bangles glittered.

The music stopped. 

Felix’s head tilted just slightly and Dimitri’s breath caught. 

His heart beat faster in his chest, and inside his gauntlets his hands were suddenly sweaty.

Dimitri barely heard the applause that broke out through the hall. And he would notice even less of the performances that followed. Instead, his gaze followed Felix to the side of the hall where the professor was waiting for him, a towel ready. From where he was standing Dimitri should not have been able to see the sweat on Felix’s brow, but he could not help but feel like he did. Felix’s skin gleamed. 

The music started again, and Dimitri continued watching, spellbound, as Felix stretched his neck and nodded at something the professor said to him. 

The music ended. The music started and ended again.

Murmuring went through the halls, silence, a roar of applause. 

Dimitri watched as Felix’s head jerked up, his eyes wide. He looked surprised.

“He won!” Ashe exclaimed next to him, and Annette started jumping up and down in excitement. 

“He did!” she cheered. “The practice paid off!”

It was Ingrid, whose arm had somehow linked with his own, that dragged him towards Felix as the rest of their class moved over to him. 

Dimitri almost stumbled as they made their way over. He felt like he was standing slightly to the right of himself. Everything was a bit off, not unlike that day in the training grounds when he had looked up at Felix and realized he was beautiful. Felix had smiled again. 

When had the sight become something that Dimitri no longer knew how to react to?

Standing in the middle of the tangle of their classmates and listening to them celebrate Felix’s victory, Dimitri said nothing. He let the chatter wash over him and kept a smile on his face. And this time too, he could not tear his eyes away from Felix. Given the closeness and the fact that the whole group was engaged in the planning of some party, maybe Dimitri should have expected to be caught staring. 

He hadn’t though, so when Felix’s gaze caught his own, he started. To his surprise, Felix did not break eye contact immediately and instead studied him. Dimitri had no idea what the look on his face was, but it made Felix’s gaze linger, his brows rising in question, and he took a step closer to Dimitri.

Given how close they were standing, and the fact that they were surrounded on all sides by their classmates, the move should not have made Dimitri’s heart jump and then pick up speed.

Sylvain was still talking, raising in volume to be heard over Ingrid’s outrage.

Dimitri licked his lips, Felix’s gaze flickered. The light glinted off his hair and the baubles hanging in it. 

“Felix, you are-”

But the words would not come. Felix stared at him.

“Well?”

Dimitri swallowed. Smiled. 

“Congratulations. It was a great performance.”

Felix blinked back at him for a moment, eyes slightly wider than usual and shifting his weight back and forth. Then he broke eye contact and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Thanks.”

Over the chatter Dimitri almost did not hear him, but he did.

Dimitri looked around the hall to distract himself, to no avail. Almost immediately he found his gaze drawn back to Felix. 

Felix, who was watching him back. Dimitri swallowed, but did not dare look away again. 

Felix’s eyes were amber. They had always been pretty. They were his mother’s eyes, Felix had told him once when they were younger. Dimitri used to be fascinated by the flecks of gold and green in them

The flecks were still there. 

His heart was racing. He felt like he was about to fight for his life, and yet he was looking forward to it. 

When Sylvain slung his arm around Felix’s shoulder with a laugh, Dimitri felt the loss of eye contact almost like a physical blow.

--

Felix was beautiful. Handsome. Striking. Enchanting.

The knowledge rattled in Dimitri’s mind like a chained beast.

It would not let him go and instead fought its way back to the forefront of his mind again and again. Earlier that week Felix had caught his eye in the dining hall. It was only for a moment before Felix broke eye contact again. Dimitri had dreamed about it that night.

The only validating thing about it seemed to be that he was not the only one who was taken aback by his showing of the White Heron Cup. 

“Felix's performance was unexpected.” A voice came from somewhere on the terraces as Dimitri passed by. It was impolite to listen to private conversations, but Dimitri found his feet stopping regardless. He turned to look at who was talking and found Ferdinand and Dorothea. Neither of them noticed him, as both of their attention was focused on something on the ground below.

“Mhm,” Dimitri heard Ferdinand hum. “I suppose. If Felix smiled, he could pass for beautiful, but he is always frowning, and that’s not beautiful. Unlike me, I have the bearing of-”

Dorothea chuckled, cutting him off and retorting something, but Dimitri tuned them out, finally making himself step away from the hedge and the awkward position of listening in to a private conversation.

The smile. Was that it?

Felix had smiled when Dimitri had him pinned to the ground, at least as much as Felix smiled at anything these days. And, well, he had been beautiful. Dimitri had barely been able to look away since. The thing was that Dimitri did not think that it was only Felix’s smile that made him beautiful, if it was just that he would have been able to move on. 

He would like to say that it was because Felix’s smile had changed since they were children, but that wasn’t quite the truth. It had become a much rarer sight, especially directed at him, but the curl of his lips and the way his eyes crinkled had stayed the same. Was it the rarity that had made it so striking?

No matter how much he thought about it, Dimitri could not find the answers to his questions. Not until they were given to him, gently placed in his lap by caring, healing hands. 

----

One moment they had been taking down the bandits with ease and the next Felix’s shoulder had slammed into his side, knocking him off course and out of the way of the lance coming for him. 

Felix himself, however, cursed as the lance slammed against the Aegis shield. The tip of it skittered across the surface with a screech before slamming into Felix’s shoulder. The grunt of pain that followed had rang much louder in Dimitri’s ears than it did, but however much pain Felix felt, it did not stop him from striking the bandit down.

Dimitri watched him, heart in his throat and still sitting on the ground clutching his lance uselessly. The battle was over before Dimitri got his feet under himself again. As soon as the last bandit fell, Felix whirled around to face him, Dimitri had a moment to see the worry on his face before it was replaced with a scowl. 

“Are you hurt, boar?” Felix’s voice was sharp, but the hand that landed on Dimitri’s shoulder was surprisingly gentle. He did not meet Dimitri’s gaze, but amber eyes flickered over Dimitri assessingly.

Licking his suddenly dry lips, Dimitri shook his head, his gaze still stuck to Felix’s shoulder. There wasn’t much blood - the lance had mostly cut through Felix’s leather armor - but there had been a lot of force behind the strike.

“Your shoulder,” he said instead of answering.

Felix’s hand disappeared from his shoulder, and Dimitri missed the weight of it immediately. 

The hand reappeared in his sight, however, when Felix put it on his own shoulder. He snorted, and the sound made Dimitri tear his eyes away and focus on Felix’s face instead. 

Their gazes met, and Dimitri was surprised that Felix did not break eye contact immediately. 

“It’s not deep.” Felix’s lips pursed, and Dimitri’s eyes were pulled to the sight, before snapping his eyes up again. Felix had noticed his eyes wander. Dimitri swallowed. Amber eyes were slightly wide, and the flush from battle hadn’t quite faded from Felix’s cheeks yet. 

Gaze drawn down again as Felix made to speak, Dimitri scrambled to distract him.

“You will get it healed.” And maybe his voice was a bit too insistent because Felix paused and blinked before nodding. 

“Of course. Only an idiot wouldn’t.” Dimitri ignored the jab, too glad that he hadn’t been called out on his strange behavior. But Felix wasn’t finished. “You will get checked out as well.”

As he spoke, Felix had turned away from him and began to slowly make his way over to where Mercedes was already checking over Ingrid. He was moving gingerly, holding his shoulder still. Dimitri watched him walk away, trying to figure out why he was suddenly distracted away from Felix by Felix’s lips of all things. There was an obvious answer, but-

Likely noticing the lack of footsteps following, Felix came to a stop again and turned back to look at him. Dimitri’s breath caught.

Felix was muddy and bloody, his hair in disarray, but his lips curled just so, showing a flash of white teeth. His eyes glinted with a challenge. And he was backlit by the light of the setting sun, making his usually sharp features seem softer, his skin taking on a warm glow. 

There it was again. The smile. It was no less striking than the last time.

“Well, boar?” Felix drawled, “Are you an idiot?”

Unsure how to answer that without saying something he would surely regret, Dimitri followed him. 

Mercedes met them halfway, already having noticed their approach. Her hands were shrouded in healing magic before they even touched Felix’s shoulder. 

“It isn’t deep,” she informed them, carefully pushing aside Felix’s damaged shirt and armor. “It seems most of the force was gone before it hit you.”

Felix grunted but remained pliant under her ministrations. 

“Check the boar, too.” His gaze flickered to Dimitri. “He spent most of the fight on the floor.”

The embarrassed flush stole over Dimitri’s cheeks before he could attempt to hide it. “Felix!”

Even standing mostly behind his friend, Dimitri could make out the way his lips twitched in humor. The byplay wasn’t noticed by Mercedes, however, and when she bustled over from Felix to him with quick steps, it was evident that she was worried.

Sending Felix a displeased look, Dimitri focused his attention on Mercedes.

“I’m alright,” he assured her, though he did not try to shake off her hands, “I was just startled by Felix pushing me aside suddenly.”

And the injury he had gotten for it. No matter how small. 

However, his attempts remained useless until Mercedes had checked him over herself, and she was very thorough. The pinched look of worry disappeared from her face after the first few times her magic had rushed through his system, and she found nothing to worry about. 

While she worked, Felix had wandered off to help their classmates with the cleanup after the battle. Dimitri knew he should do so as well, but he was still rattled and shaken. More so now that Felix was out of his line of sight. 

(Felix would not like to hear it, but the last time Dimitri had been shoved aside like that had been in Duscur, and-) Dimitri’s hands clenched inside his gauntlets.

It was Mercedes who startled Dimitri out of his spiraling thoughts. 

“Felix rarely exaggerates when it comes to your health, Dimitri. And you do tend to hide smaller injuries.”

Hearing the words made Dimitri feel warm. Warm like the sight of Felix backlit by the sun. Warm and soft and seemingly touchable.

“You seem lost in thought.” Dimitri started. It was a statement, not a question, but the way Mercedes said it invited Dimitri to share what was on his mind all the same. 

So far sharing his thoughts had never helped with untangling why it was that he could hardly tear his eyes away from Felix. However, he hadn’t tried talking to Mercedes yet, and unlike most of his classmates, she was by far the most mature, and he was also sure that she would not make fun of him.

And so, once more, he tried. This time from the beginning. When he was done, Mercedes laughed, a warm and gentle sound. “There is that saying, Dimitri, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

Dimitri nodded. He had heard that before - it was what Sylvain had said - though he still wasn’t sure if and how it applied in this situation. After all, he was hardly the only one who noticed that Felix was beautiful, even if Sylvain at least had denied it.

Something on his face must have given his thoughts away because Mercedes chuckled and shook her head. “How about this then: they also say,” and this time there was no mistaking the twinkle of mischief in her eyes, “that love is blind.”

Love?

Dimitri stared at her - he knew what she was getting at, but-

Mercedes smiled. “Someone who loves someone else, or even something, will always look at it with different eyes,” here her eyes seemed to look at something only she could see, “and if you have loved someone all your life, it might be difficult to notice if one kind of love changes into another.”

His throat suddenly dry, Dimitri swallowed. 

Love, Mercedes said. Sylvain had implied it as well, in his own way, but was it really love that made him suddenly look at Felix with different eyes?

He had known Felix for longer than he could remember, and no matter what had happened he had always been Dimitri's dearest friend. Even now, with all the pain and distance that was slowly shrinking between them, he could not imagine a life without him.

At six Felix had been enthusiastic. Eager hands holding his own or gripping a training sword with childish fascination. He had been muffled laughter under thick covers, and adventures in the palace garden. And always, always a bright smile just for Dimitri. Whenever Felix and his family came to Fhirdiad was the happiest time for Dimitri. Affection.

At eight their training had picked up further, and Felix’s smile became gap-toothed after a sparring match in which Dimitri swung just a little too hard, but even as Dimitri panicked and cried, Felix - despite his own tears and the blood of his lips - gave him the brightest smile. Assuring him that he would be just fine. Reassurance.

When they were ten they first laid their eyes on a sword of Zoltan at a celebration in Fhirdiad. Unlike their general training, their amazement for the sword was not something their other friends shared with them. But to Felix and him it was a wonder, something marvelous. They swore to each other that one day they would have a sword of Zoltan too. (And years later, when Felix finally did, despite everything, Dimitri was still the first person he showed it to.) Excitement.

At twelve Dimitri started to truly feel the weight of the expectations that came with being the crown prince of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus. The weight of courtiers gazes, Ser Gustave’s martial instructions, his father’s humorous lessons, and even his stepmother’s gentle tutelage - suddenly all of it felt different. More and more it felt Dimitri the boy had to vanish to be replaced by Dimitri the Prince, and to Dimitri, it felt like there was no one he could tell his troubles to. Until eventually, on a visit to Fraldarius he broke down, and Felix looked at him and told him he would never forget the boy behind the princely mask. It was as if a terrible weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Felix’s support, Felix’s belief in him meant everything. 

At fourteen, a memory all but buried in the pain that surrounded that time, he was the one who held him in a gentle embrace all through the night, even as he shed his own tears into Dimitri’s hair. Felix’s was the first face he saw after waking up after Duscur, and then, too, Felix had smiled through his tears and told him he was glad he was alive. The only home he had left.

When they were sixteen and everything broke apart on that battlefield in the west. Felix beside him, eyes wide, flinching away from him, but the sword in his hand still pointed at Dimitri’s enemies. Caustic words. Disgust. And fear. The weight of his gaze at the back of Dimitri’s neck. Looking at him, (fearing him) and seeing what Dimitri tried so hard to hide. A reminder. And the distance looming between them.

Then, at seventeen, Felix was suddenly close again after the distance that their estrangement had caused. Only one door away, close enough to hear Dimitri’s nightmares, and give him searching looks in the morning. Sitting next to him in class, the soothing and familiar pine scent of his soap in the air around him, sitting next to him at mealtimes and putting meat on his plate while insulting him with caustic words. Paying attention to him and looking after him in his own way. Warmth.

And finally, now: Felix pinning him to the ground, a victorious smile on his face. Hair a mess, dirt on his cheeks and backlit by the sun. Sharp words and sharper looks. A sharp blade clashing against Dimitri’s own in training, a sharp shoulder into his side to push him away from danger. Eyes on his back ever-watchful, looking beyond all facades Dimitri tried to put up. Shared enthusiasm over a sword, sharing meals, and doing chores together. The teasing still took Dimitri aback. Beautiful. And still, despite everything, at Dimitri’s side. Comfort.

Love.

He went through the rest of the mission in a daze. 

--

Now that Dimitri had experienced this revelation there was really only one person he could talk to and that was Dedue. As it turned out, however, it was much harder to get a private word with his friend than Dimitri had ever anticipated. Either Felix of all people or any other of their classmates were always around.

While Dimitri supposed he could maybe live with Mercedes smiling knowingly in the background, or Ingrid giving him very judging looks, the mere thought of Sylvain’s cackling or - Sothis forbid! - Felix’s presence made Dimitri feel faintly nauseous.

He needed to sort this out - properly! - before he could ever speak about it openly. Dimitri knew, however, that no matter what he did, Dedue would never judge him and instead support him to the best of his ability. Whatever else Dimitri needed to do, he never had to hide it from his friend. 

Even when it concerned Felix. Maybe even especially when it concerned Felix. 

Dedue and Felix were hardly close, or friends even. In fact, Dimitri might dare to say that they did not like each other - at all. They had one important character trait in common: they were insightful.

If anything could give him a fresh perspective, it would be talking to Dedue.

As it turned out, Dedue was even more insightful than Dimitri had thought, because as soon as they finally got the chance to talk privately and Dimitri brought up the intended topic of conversation - Felix - Dedue chuckled.

The shake of his head was as exasperated as Dedue ever allowed himself to be, but Dimitri pressed on regardless.

“I believe I might have feelings for Felix.” 

Dedue calmly looked at him, and Dimitri felt the need to specify. “Of the romantic sort.”

Saying it out loud suddenly made the whole thing even more real, and Dimitri felt his breath catch.

He had feelings for Felix. Was in love with him even, had probably been for years. 

“Yes.”

Dedue’s calm answer shook Dimitri from his daze and made him refocus his attention. Dedue was watching him patiently.

“I’m in love with Felix.” Saying it for the second time was less startling, but no less sweet. Dimitri let the taste of the words linger on his tongue.

“That is not news to me Your Highness,” Dedue’s voice was kind, but the note of amusement could not be denied. Dimitri’s eyes snapped back to his friend who met his gaze evenly. 

“How?”

Dedue shrugged. “You always regarded him differently, even when he started treating you badly. No person could get your attention as easily as him either.“

There was censure and disapproval in his voice, but it wasn’t directed at Dimitri. Dimitri said nothing. Dedue understood him very well, but he never understood Felix and Dimitri and the history they shared. It was the same the other way around.

“What do you plan to do about it, Your Highness?”

The question stumped Dimitri, and he found himself floundering for an answer.

Knowing something and acting on it were two very different things, and in the end, Dimitri did nothing, and soon after that, it became clear that Dimitri had let the chance slip through his fingers. 

--

The world broke apart and Dimitri finally had his target in sight; he did not think much about beauty at all. 

There was, however, satisfaction to be found in the way his weapon tore through his enemies. Glee in the way his enemies started to fear him. Grace in the dance of steel and the rains of blood.

That kind of beauty, Dimitri noticed absently, Felix had as well. 

He was quick and his enemies died quicker. The lightning at his fingertips highlighted the sharp lines of his face. The beauty of a weapon made for killing. 

His eyes, however, standing in the cathedral and watching him with pursed lips, weren’t angry, they were sad. 

It didn’t matter. 

(It shouldn't.) 

--

Cornelia was dead. Fhirdiad retaken, and Dimitri was sprawled on the ground of the throne room, Areadbhar laying on the ground next to him, just out of reach. To his right, the strange golem the witch had employed was still smoking, its lance stuck only a finger’s length away from Dimitri’s head. 

The first cheers started breaking out all over the castle, but Dimitri hardly heard them. His focus was on something else. Someone else. Felix.

The position they were in was strangely familiar: Dimitri pinned to the ground with Felix above him. There was no smile on his face this time, but Dimitri found that his own smile came easily. 

“We won,” he told his friend, and got a rough shake for his trouble. 

“Yes,” Felix’s voice was a displeased hiss. Dimitri blinked up at him, but before he could ask what had displeased the other, he got his answer, “What were you thinking!”

It was more exclamation than question, and Felix did not give him the chance to answer besides. He was staring at Dimitri in clear displeasure, an angry red flush appearing on his cheeks.

“You stopped paying attention the moment Cornelia died!” Felix's fingers bored into his shoulder and gave him another shake. It did not do much given that Dimitri was lying flat on his back, but it did get the message across. “Did you think that the golems would just stop?”

Felix’s flush was spreading, there was a streak of dried blood on his cheek. His hair was in a disarray, his eyes bright and dangerous, and his attention was solely fixed on Dimitri.

He was beautiful.

Dimitri had almost forgotten it again. But the situation brought back familiar and cherished memories. Stamped the knowledge of Felix’s beauty once more fresh into his mind.

Warmth rushed through Dimitri, making him feel almost giddy and lighthearted. He chuckled, and the words he had never said before came easily. “Felix,” he said, “you are beautiful.”

Felix stared at him, his eyes wide, clearly taken aback. “What? Did you hit your head?” He tugged off his gloves and tossed them aside, then long fingers carded through Dimitri’s hair, checking his skull for any bruising.

His chuckle turned into a laugh. Dimitri continued, “No. I am quite fine.” He paused and reached up to frame Felix’s face with his hands, and traced the sharp cheekbones with his thumbs. “I never told you did I?”

Above him, Felix stilled, wide eyed. He was still beautiful.

“That I find you beautiful.” Dimitri adored the expression on his face and the sputter that followed his declaration.

“What!?” Felix shook his head, a blush appearing on his cheeks, but not hard enough to dislodge Dimitri’s hands. “Boar- Dimitri,” he corrected himself, and that too was beautiful, “what has gotten into you suddenly?”

Dimitri hummed. “Nothing. It’s hardly sudden. I have known it for a while, though I forgot about it for some time.” Felix’s nose wrinkled and Dimitri smiled and traced his finger along the reddening cheeks again. He imagined that he could almost feel the heat of the blush through his gloves. “You are beautiful.” Dimitri felt his smile grow, and warmth spread through him when Felix’s breath hitched. Then he took a deep breath. “I love you.”

Felix’s eyes went wider still, making him seem strangely vulnerable. Younger, like the Felix of his childhood, yet still with the sharpness he had acquired over the years. Dimitri adored all parts of him.

Slowly, hesitantly, Felix’s lips started to curl into a smile. A smile, not a smirk. A true one, that made his eyes crinkle and shine. Dimitri wanted to trace it with his fingertips, but even more than that he wanted-

Dimitri tugged him lightly downwards, more question than demand, and Felix followed. And just like that his lips met Felix’s own. Felix’s smile against his lips. Felix’s fingers tightened in his hair, and Dimitri found himself being tugged closer in turn. 

The sun was shining. Around them, the cheers of the victorious attackers spread from the castle into the city. The flag of Faerghus was once more flying in the air above the castle.

They had won, and the moment was beautiful.

And the way that Felix melted against him, hands tangled in his hair and still pinning him to the ground?

That was beautiful too.