Work Text:
“Er gege, what should we do today?”
Lan Wangji looked up from the papers he was grading to find his husband across from him, bent over so that his torso was pressed against the table. Resting his elbows on the table, Wei Wuxian propped his chin up with his hands and smiled innocently at Lan Wangji. As if he didn’t know exactly which Lan sect rules he was breaking right now.
“Sit properly,” Lan Wangji reprimanded before he returned his attention to the papers in front of him. Then in a gentler voice, he added, “Whatever Wei Ying wants.”
With an exaggerated groan, Wei Wuxian peeled himself off the table and readjusted his body into a sitting position befitting of a proper Lan. Apparently deep in thought, he stayed silent for a long moment before speaking again.
“Oh! I know!” Wei Wuxian quickly scooted over to Lan Wangji’s side of the table and placed himself on his husband’s lap. “What if it’s our first time together, and I’m a virgin?” he said, wrapping his arms around Lan Wangji’s neck. “And I’m kind of scared and unsure, but you keep insisting until I give in! What do you think?”
Lan Wangji’s grip on his brush only faltered for the briefest of moments, but Wei Wuxian knew.
“Really? You want to deflower me again?” Wei Wuxian grinned as he cupped Lan Wangji’s face with a hand, even as Lan Wangji refused to meet his gaze. “Hahaha, I knew it! Lan Zhan, you’re terrible!”
Unable to defend himself against the accusation, Lan Wangji could only sit in silence as Wei Wuxian shook against his body, the sound of his gleeful laughter filling the jingshi.
* * *
Attempt No. 1: Overbearing Hanguang-jun and Wide-Eyed Virgin Maiden Wei
The evil spirit rampaging through the small, isolated village had finally been defeated, but the destitute inhabitants there had nothing of value to give to Lan Wangji. They had no gold or silver to speak of, and this year’s crops were not yet ready for harvest. The only reward they could offer, they said, was the village head’s eldest daughter.
The maiden mustered up the courage to glance up from behind his eyelashes, blushing shyly when he saw how handsome Lan Wangji was. He was a delicate little thing, pretty even with those faded and tattered clothes on, and Lan Wangji immediately agreed to take him as his bride.
All the villagers wept joyful tears as they sent the betrothed couple off, thrilled to know that the gentle and beloved eldest daughter was to marry a distinguished gentleman from the cultivation world.
Oh, but if only the villagers had known that the virtuous Hanguang-jun was actually a cruel and horrible man! An insatiable monster who preyed on innocent young maidens! He only appeared to be pure and chaste, but behind that facade he had a sadistic streak and a voracious sexual appetite. Poor unsuspecting Wei-guniang had no idea what was coming…
… Is this what Wei Ying thinks of me? Lan Wangji said nothing as he listened to Wei Wuxian babble on about Hanguang-jun and Wei-guniang’s backstory. He supposed he did have a… healthy libido. But cruel and sadistic? Come on, he wasn’t that bad.
With his bride-to-be secure in his arms, Lan Wangji stood up from where they were seated and walked toward the bed. He lowered Wei Wuxian down to the bed and loomed over him ominously.
“What are you doing? Hanguang-jun, we aren’t married yet!” Wei Wuxian said bashfully, covering his blushing face with a hand.
“No, we are not,” Lan Wangji replied as he positioned himself on top of Wei Wuxian and caged him between his arms. “But I cannot wait any longer.”
Wei Wuxian gasped loudly as Lan Wangji tore the front of his robes open. “Not my ample bosom, which no man has laid eyes on before! I beg you, avert your gaze!” he cried, arching up to emphasize his exposed chest.
Ignoring his pleads, Lan Wangji cupped and squeezed at his chest harshly. As he thumbed at a hardened nipple, Wei Wuxian let out a moan far too erotic for someone who was supposed to be a terrified virgin. Pausing his movements, Lan Wangji gave him a look but said nothing.
“Oh! I mean… Nooo, please don’t,” Wei Wuxian said unconvincingly.
Lan Wangji leaned forward and pressed their lips together forcefully, deciding that the best course of action was to simply shut Wei Wuxian up. He held his chin still so that Wei Wuxian had no choice but to accept the kiss, which should have been an excellent idea… except Wei Wuxian wasn’t resisting at all. In fact, he was returning the kiss with equal enthusiasm! Why did Lan Wangji’s virginal bride know how to do something like this? That didn’t seem right.
It was at that moment that Lan Wangji noticed Wei Wuxian’s legs, which had previously been squeezed tightly together in an attempt to protect his chastity, had fallen open obscenely wide on either side of him. The sash around his waist, too, had become undone—Lan Wangji had not touched it at all, so Wei Wuxian himself must have untied it at some point. And when they broke apart, Wei Wuxian stared up at Lan Wangji with glassy eyes and a debauched grin plastered on his face. In other words, he looked nothing like the demure maiden he was supposed to be.
“Hm? Lan Zhan, why’d you stop?” Wei Wuxian sat up and attempted to pull Lan Wangji back into his arms. “What’s wrong?”
“Wei Ying, you…” Lan Wangji began hesitantly, unsure of how best to word this. He couldn’t tell his own husband that he was ruining his fantasy! “This is supposed to be Wei-guniang’s first time.”
“Wha…” Wei Wuxian looked puzzled for a moment before letting out a loud gasp. “Oh no! I totally forgot!” He groaned as he fell back onto the bed with a thump, hiding his face in his hands in frustration. “Aiya, Lan Zhan, it’s not my fault! You know I can’t help but open my legs when you’re between them!”
Lan Wangji chose to ignore that last comment, but he could feel his ears turning red. The traitors.
“This is not working,” Lan Wangji said, kindly leaving out the fact that this was absolutely, undeniably Wei Wuxian’s fault.
“Yeah…” Wei Wuxian agreed dejectedly. “We could try something else?”
And so, disappointed but not disheartened, the two of them carried on and tried again.
* * *
Attempt No. 2: Wicked Yiling Patriarch and the Pure and Noble Second Jade
It had been all too easy for Wei Wuxian to subdue him. The Second Jade of Lan was indeed a promising young talent, a skilled cultivator and a formidable opponent in battle; in spite of that, he was no match for the Yiling Patriarch and his wicked ways. Why, Wei Wuxian barely had to lift a pinky to bring him down to his knees! If this was the best that Gusu Lan could offer, then the cultivation world, nay, the entire world would be under Wei Wuxian’s control in no time.
Or whatever it was that those rumors about him said he wanted.
Right now, though, world domination could wait. Now that he had so utterly and thoroughly defeated Lan Wangji, it was time for Wei Wuxian to claim his prize.
Trapped underneath Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji remained expressionless as his captor dragged his knuckles against his soft skin. “Unhand me now,” Lan Wangji said in a monotone voice.
Ha! As if he was in any position to make demands!
Lan Wangji lay still on the bed, his hair spilling like ink against the snowy white of his clothing. Above him, Wei Wuxian straddled his hips and openly leered at the sliver of bare skin showing between Lan Wangji’s loosened robes. What good deeds had Wei Wuxian done to deserve such a peerlessly beautiful, talented, and well-endowed husband, uh, I mean captive?
“No, I don’t think I will!” Wei Wuxian said, cackling evilly. Ooh yes, very befitting of a ruthless tyrant. This was already going so much smoother than their previous attempt. “In fact, I’m going to do the opposite of unhanding you!”
“Please don’t,” Lan Wangji said, hands folded politely on top of his stomach. “Anything but that. I am a virgin.”
“Enough talk!” Wei Wuxian declared as he slammed his hand on the bed dramatically. Lan Wangji didn’t even flinch.
“Now, I might let you live and keep you as a pet. If you’re good for me,” Wei Wuxian said, sliding his hand down to Lan Wangji’s abdomen and tracing the firm muscles he found there. “But I never let anyone go with their virtue intact.”
Upon hearing those words, Lan Wangji’s expression hardened immediately. Boy, was Lan Zhan a good actor! He almost had Wei Wuxian fooled with how bored he seemed initially. As expected of Hanguang-jun!
“There’s no need to be frightened,” Wei Wuxian said, “As you know, I’ve done it with tons of people before, so I’m really good at sex and—”
“How many.”
“… Huh?”
“How many people,” Lan Wangji said icily.
Was this still part of the roleplay? Caught off guard, Wei Wuxian did not know how to answer. He tried to remember in detail the rumors that had once circulated in his previous life, but to no avail. Either they’d never specified the exact number of virgins the Yiling Patriarch allegedly stole, or he just plain couldn’t remember. He supposed he would just have to make a number up.
“Uh. Th-three thousand…?” Wei Wuxian decided arbitrarily. Yeah, that seemed like a normal and reasonable number.
“Three thousand.” Lan Wangji’s lips pressed into a thin line and he clenched his fists tightly in the bedsheets beneath him, almost like he was actually angry on behalf of those three thousand virgins defiled by the Yiling Patriarch. If Wei Wuxian hadn’t known Lan Wangji was only playing a part, he would be quivering in fear right now!
“Yep!” Wei Wuxian said with a grin, scooting back so that he could finally pull Lan Wangji’s pants off. “And you’re about to be number three thousand and one!”
Apparently, that was not the right thing to say. Lan Wangji’s face twisted in displeasure, and Wei Wuxian could feel a murderous intent emanating from him. He wasn’t actually going to take revenge for those fictional defiled virgins, was he?! Sure, it was very sad what had happened to them, but they weren’t real!
Or could it be that Lan Wangji… No, no. That would be absurd.
… Right?!
“Lan Zhan, are you…” Wei Wuxian said hesitantly. “Are you… jealous?”
Lan Wangji rolled on his side so that his face was hidden, but Wei Wuxian didn’t have to see to know what kind of sulky expression he had on right now.
“Lan Zhan, those three thousand people don’t exist! We’re just pretending, remember?” Wei Wuxian tried desperately, placing his hand on Lan Wangji’s shoulder. “Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan!”
Needless to say, they did not continue with this scenario.
* * *
Attempt No. 3: Every Day Means Every Day (Reprise)
It had taken them two lifetimes, but Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji finally had finally done it! At long last, they’d confessed their feelings for one another. And now, with the mystery of the corpse solved and Jin Guangyao taken care of, the only thing left for them to do was to consummate their love.
“Wei Ying, I… I have never done this before,” Lan Wangji said.
“Oh, Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian replied, swooning in his beloved’s embrace. “It’s my first time too…”
“…”
“…”
Hmm. Something about this felt strange. Didn’t this seem a little too familiar? Almost like… it actually happened in real life?
They stared at each other for a moment, neither of them speaking a word. Then, simultaneously, Wei Wuxian let himself flop backwards onto the bed as Lan Wangji brought his hand to his forehead, both of them utterly dismayed by the realization.
“We’ve already done this before!”
* * *
Sprawled out on the bed, Wei Wuxian stared off into the distance where the shadows had grown long and a golden glow was filling the jingshi. Sunset already! Where did the time go?! They should have been on their third round by now!
Enough was enough.
“Lan Zhan?”
“Yes.”
“Uh… Can we just have regular sex today?”
“Mn,” Lan Wangji said, nodding in agreement. “I think that would be for the best.”
And then they did just that.