Chapter Text
"And what once was ours,
is no one's now."
When it comes to love, Beomgyu seems to have bad luck.
He had his fair share in the field of dating, even tried blind dating twice and it ended really bad. He might have made multiple reasons why it just wasn't working out. It's not you, it's me. We're completely different from each other. I don't really see myself with you in the future. This isn't working out. The list goes on, and maybe no one ever seemed to really spark his interest, until there was one.
The first one he loved and the first love he lost: Choi Soobin.
Beomgyu has always tried defining love. For him, love was waking up in the morning to the smell of coffee and fresh, deep fried donuts from the vendors selling nearby. Love was playing video games with Taehyun, his best friend, during the weekends. Love was also warm hugs and forehead kisses from his mother whenever he pretended to sleep when he was still young. Love was delightfully being able to eat gummy bears, at any time of the day.
All of that is different though, Beomgyu wanted to experience the type of love you see in the movies - the one that sweeps you off your feet. The first kiss that will blow your mind and everything else that you usually watch from films. He wants to love, and he wants to go all in once he does.
Well, maybe he watched too many romantic movies with Taehyun, but that’s besides the point.
He remained curious. He wanted to know how it feels to fall in love with someone and proudly proclaim what he feels at the top of his lungs. He wanted someone to be his other half, someone to spend his whole life (hopefully) with. Admittedly, if love was the ocean, he’d be willing to dive in deep with his arms wide open. He was willing to risk it all, to love from the moon and back. As crazy as it sounds.
What he didn’t expect was love bumping into him on a monday - ten in the morning at the university cafe, spilling iced americano on his favorite sweater, but he was mesmerized when he saw love for the first time and boy was love tall. Like, really really tall. Maybe love can stand as tall as the trees during spring, or maybe the love that's in front of him right now can take him to a different kind of high, nothing but freely flying among the clouds with his heart on his sleeve.
Love also had soft, purple hair with deep dimples and a cute bunny smile. Love was wearing a black ensemble and despite the dark outfit, he brightly stood out among the passerbys in the street. Love was mesmerizing and thank the heavens for Beomgyu being a true witness of such beauty.
It was official. He has decided that Choi Soobin was now his definition of love.
After the coffee incident, the pair had bonded over bingsu with Soobin being the one to pay of course, as an apology to Beomgyu’s now ruined sweater. Beomgyu couldn’t care less about his sweater, what he really cared about was the stranger next to him, now a friend, who took his breath away the second he literally bumped into his life.
I guess this is what love feels like, being able to talk for hours without ever checking your phone. Beomgyu’s cheeks even hurt from all the laughing, but his heart was happy.
He was genuinely happy to be able to feel something as heart fluttering as Choi Soobin.
The day was coming to an end and both boys had to go back to their dorms. They bid their goodbyes, with Soobin shyly asking for the younger boy’s number (of course, Beomgyu immediately gave it to his hyung with no second thoughts). They parted that day with flushed cheeks and the brightest of smiles and Beomgyu couldn't help but be thankful for iced americano being spilled in his favorite sweater.
As soon as he got inside his dorm, he immediately ran to his best friend’s room to tell him about his current endeavors. Taehyun was a bit annoyed by his hyung's sudden outburst, but Beomgyu still happily narrated the events of today.
As Beomgyu kept talking, Taehyun silently listened. As Beomgyu continued to talk about his day, the younger gradually smiled seeing how cute his dearest friend is by happily meeting a 'cute' stranger even if the sweater paid the price. Taehyun looked up at his hyung's face, seeing how happy he looked. “I guess things like this don’t only happen in the movies huh, hyung? ”
After talking for a few more hours, Beomgyu fell asleep next to taehyun with a smile gracing his lips. Oh the blissful feeling of falling in love.
In a span of two months, Soobin and Beomgyu were able to be as close as they possibly could. They would annoy each other a lot and throw flirty responses as much as they could. Both boys used their free time to go on little adventures, which Beomgyu all fondly treasured. For every time they spent together, Beomgyu made sure to keep any item that they've used that day which serves as a memorabilia if you will. It didn't matter if it was a dirty ice cream wrapper or a slightly ripped ticket from the movie in the cinema that they visited. All that mattered was Beomgyu had Soobin and Soobin had Beomgyu and they were having fun.
"Why the art museum of all places, hyung?" Beomgyu curiously asked. This was the first place they went to, with Soobin basically forcing Beomgyu out of bed. It was a small art museum twenty minutes away from the university, both boys had exactly two hours to spare before Soobin's class starts. He expected that the elder maybe wanted to just lounge in their university's park or maybe grab a quick bite in the cafe. It was fun seeing the spontaneous side of his hyung.
The boy in question turned around to face him, a dimpled smile greeting him. "I think today is a great day to admire art, most people fail to appreciate such beauty you know." but you're the only masterpiece I see in this room, probably even my whole life. Beomgyu thought.
"You must admire me too much to even consider me as art." Soobin teased. It was only then when Beomgyu realized what he said out loud. The embarrassment that he felt was noticed by Soobin, softly laughing as he bumped the other's shoulder.
"Don't worry, I think you're a work of art too, Choi Beomgyu." Soobin shyly said, avoiding to look at the younger's eyes. The statement made his heart do crazy flips inside his chest.
The painting in front of them was abstract, but if you look closely, it looked like two hands with their pinky fingers entwined - a promise. Both boys gently bumped each other's shoulders to annoy one another, still staring at the art in front of them. Beomgyu suddenly stopped moving when he felt Soobin brush the tip of their fingers, slowly linking their pinky fingers together.
Maybe it was the other's way of making a promise. A promise of what Beomgyu didn't know, but what he did know is that he held Soobin's pinky with his tighter, giving a promise of his own.
Soobin also took Beomgyu (much to his dismay) to a local library cafe. It wasn’t the type of place beomgyu would usually visit, but it's not as bad as he expected it to be. I’d be willing to come here as often as I could if I get to spend every second and see love as how I see it now - leaning on a bookshelf, tightly holding a book on his hand and animatedly explaining the plot with bright eyes and the dimples on his cheeks on full display.
It was a moment that Beomgyu wished he took a photo of, only being able to keep it in his memory as he was too busy enjoying the time spent with his hyung. He didn’t know that love could make you pay attention to every detail. Time seems like it is never enough whenever they're together, but he couldn't complain - he wishes to cherish every second he spends with Love.
As they both sat on the floor of the library, Soobin motioned the younger to move closer and so Beomgyu did. He’s suddenly aware of Soobin’s breath softly blowing on the side of his face, and how close their bodies are huddled together. He looks up from the book that they're reading together and admires Soobin’s face, the light of the sun coming from the window serves as Soobin’s personal spotlight. It was so mesmerizing that Beomgyu almost forgot to pay attention if it weren’t for Soobin tugging on the sleeve of his sweater, looking at him expentantly.
Beomgyu shivered, staring back at the pair of warm brown orbs that had given him nothing but comfort and happiness. "Gyu? Are you cold?"
"What?" Beomgyu gulps, the words stuck in his throat, suddenly focusing on Soobin’s eyes, who’s fondly looking at him with a sweet smile that he likes to think is only for him. Soobin only laughed, wrapping his arm on the younger's shoulder and pulling him closer to his chest. The elder positioned the book on his knees so both of them could read. "There, all better?"
Choi Soobin is warm. And Beomgyu could only nod, deciding not to speak as he might spill whatever he's feeling towards the other. Beomgyu wanted to stay here for as long as he could.
Though when he came home, the aftermath of each day that he's with soobin dawned on him. There was the guilt creeping in his chest whenever he would see his best friend alone on the couch. Such guilt which would quickly melt away with Taehyun's soft smile and reassuring words that he’s okay with it. Taehyun is simply happy to see his best friend happy.
Soobin declared every Monday of the week as their bingsu day.
It was a ridiculous idea at first, when they went out one monday afternoon to eat bingsu as Beomgyu lost a bet to Soobin, a petty bet if you ask. So here they are, with Soobin happily munching on his bingsu while Beomgyu was hyperaware with the chocolate syrup smudged on Soobin’s upper lip.
On instinct, Beomgyu lifted a finger to wipe it away. The action shocked both boys as they felt it was a bit too intimate, especially with the feeling of both of their breaths close to each other. Before beomgyu can sheepishly pull away Soobin jokingly bit Beomgyu’s finger. The action made the younger screaming at his hyung. The tension-filled space was long gone, immediately replaced with both boys playfully biting and teasing each other.
Before they went their separate ways, Soobin called out for Beomgyu and said, “Hey gyu, let’s make every monday our bingsu day!”
"Hyung the weather this month is too cold to even consider such an idea!" Beomgyu yelled back. Soobin rolled his eyes and walked back to the younger. He held both shoulder's for emphasis and moved to pinch the younger's cheek - with Beomgyu aggressively trying to swat the hands away.
"Do you think freezing matters to me, if the goal is to spend every monday together?" Soobin cutely asked. and how could Beomgyu say no?
Just like that, mondays are now exclusively spent for love and bingsu.
It was a friday when Soobin called him saying that wanted to go to a dog cafe. Beomgyu on the other hand, wanted to stay inside his dorm to play video games. One, all it took was one pleading look from Soobin and Beomgyu was already out the door with a giggling bunny trailing behind him. Oh the things we do for love.
"Beomgyu, look! They're so adorable" Soobin cooed for the nth time to three dogs who were trying to gain his attention by climbing on Soobin's lap. The two were seated on the floor, with Beomgyu silently observing his hyung with a sweet smile on his face.
"I think you're cuter, if only your attention was on me" Beomgyu teasingly said. Soobin's laugh was music to his ears. Soobin shifted his attention from the dogs to the younger and replied, "Awe does the baby need attention? If you bark I might consider."
and so both boys ended up on the floor playfully wrestling each other, filling the cafe with a bright and loud atmosphere.
Beomgyu knows that love brings an immeasurable amount of happiness, but he didn’t know that the pain of love would feel twice as much.
It has been months, and although he knows that choi soobin is his own understanding of love, Soobin himself is truly difficult to read.
In Beomgyu’s case, there are times where Soobin would act either cold or indifferent towards the younger. Whenever they walk together on campus, Soobin would distance himself from the younger, looking away before Beomgyu could even react. Other times, Soobin would leave in the middle of their little adventures either saying he has important things to do or he wants to head home as he feels too tired. Soobin also replies coldy through texts recently, it even got to a point where he doesn’t reply at all and it would go on for days. At first, Beomgyu never paid any close attention to the elder's abrupt change of mood. But now that it had been too frequent to ignore, he couldn't help but think about a lot of things, mainly trying to figure out what in the world was going on.
The Soobin that Beomgyu bumped into the cafe before, is different from the Soobin that he’s spending time with now. Some days are spent with playful and flirty Soobin, other days are spent with the older avoiding Beomgyu like a plague - but all his worries and doubts would simply fade away whenever he spends time with a happier version of Soobin, before he could even address the problem to his hyung.
Both boys were having their bingsu monday, with their conversation turning into a full-blown debate about straws having two holes or one. Soobin was laughing, and Beomgyu’s heart skipped a beat at such a wonderful sight. Oh how Beomgyu would do anything, just to make his hyung happy every single day.
The younger was in a daze, openly admiring the purple-haired beauty. The two only knew each other for a short amount of time, but it felt like they've known each other ever since they were kids. Three words kept floating around his mind for awhile now. Like a flip of a switch, Beomgyu blurted out the words that he has been dying to say out loud.
“Soobinnie hyung, I think I love you.” was what came out of Beomgyu’s lips. The second that it got out, both boys went silent. The time somehow felt longer and the atmosphere of the cafe overall felt suffocating. They were sitting right next to each other, but the non-existent distance was like a mile away.
So is this how it feels to admit what you feel when it comes to love? Love certainly did not look like this in the movies.
Soobin was looking at Beomgyu, wide eyes and open-mouthed out of shock. Before the younger could even take back what he said, the next thing that happened was like a bucket of ice dropped harshly onto his head. “I’m sorry gyu, I- I never saw you that way.”
It kept repeating in his head over and over like a broken record. I never saw you that way, I never saw you that way, I never saw you that way.
Soobin took Beomgyu’s silence to continue, “I thought you knew that I was dating someone and um.. He’s studying at the university an hour away from ours so we don’t see each other much, plus he’s always busy. I’m - I'm really sorry.” Before things could even feel more awkward for the both of them, Soobin quickly stood up and excused himself as he rushed to the door, walking out of the cafe and bringing a piece of the younger’s heart with him.
Hours passed by and Beomgyu still silently sat at the table in the cafe where love left him. I guess love is not always sunshine and rainbows. Hell, it’s a bad idea to admit your feelings, especially if it was never mutual from the start. So with that thought in mind, Beomgyu dragged himself up and walked back to the dorm.
As soon as he got back to the dorm, Beomgyu fell down on his knees and cried. The remaining pieces of his heart shattered with him on the floor. Taehyun was surprised to see his hyung on the ground. He immediately stood up and hugged Beomgyu, whispering sweet reassurances to his ear. Not even bothering to ask what happened.
The quiet dorm was filled with painful sobs from his hyung. So he hugged Beomgyu tighter - scared that he might lose him the second he lets go. His touch was soft, scared to break his hyung more than he already is. For Beomgyu was breaking, like fragile glass left broken on the floor by love.
Choi Beomgyu believed that love was giving away all his time to spend it with Soobin.
Love was mesmerizing and heart fluttering - but sometimes, love feels far, even if it's within arms reach.
Love was flirty, playful and sometimes shy - but love was also cold and can painfully be one-sided.
Love is Choi Soobin, until he wasn’t.