Work Text:
At first, Ash was excited about taking another road trip from New York to Los Angeles with Eiji. It was his idea, to drive instead of flying out for Max and Jessica’s wedding. It would just be the two of them this time, but they could trade off driving, and stop at some of the same spots as they did so long ago. Pay tribute to Shorter, maybe, along the way.
The excitement fades after sunset on the first day of the trip, though, when Ash belatedly realizes they’ll be staying in hotels along the way.
Of course they will, he chides himself—he isn’t going to have Eiji sleeping in the car like they did last time. They have the money, and they aren’t hiding from anything anymore. There’s no reason not to stay in a hotel.
Except Ash’s stupid, panicky mind.
“We should probably stop for the night soon,” Eiji muses. He’s driving currently, with Ash on snack and music duty in the passenger seat.
“I can drive, if you’re getting tired,” Ash quickly offers, then winces. He won’t be able to avoid it forever, even if he takes over driving for now.
Eiji glances at him curiously before turning his eyes back to the road. “It’s getting late, Ash. Even if you’re a night owl, we should probably still stop in the next town and get some rest. It’s only the first day; no reason to push ourselves now.”
“Yeah,” Ash mutters.
Eiji looks over at him again, clearly picking up that something’s wrong, but he doesn’t push. “It’s not a huge time of the year for traveling, so most hotels should probably have plenty of vacancy right now. Should we try to find a cheaper place, or—”
“No!” Ash blurts, before he can stop himself.
Eiji blinks.
“I—I mean, I still have a lot of the dough from shutting down the Corsican Foundation even after what we donated, so we can, I mean—” Fuck. He doesn’t want to stay at too nice of a place either, though. Overly soft sheets are even worse than shitty motels and—
Shit. He can feel his breath catch and go out of sync.
“Oh,” Eiji breathes.
Ash looks down below the glove compartment. He feels so fucking ashamed already.
“Why don’t you pick where we stay?” Eiji suggests, voice casual. “You can look someplace up on your phone, and call in advance to check if they have rooms available.” He clears his throat, then adds, “Or if you want to ask any questions or anything.”
Ash hadn’t expected his nightmares, flashbacks, and paranoia—symptoms, he tells himself, you can think the word—to get worse after everything else in his life calmed down. His therapist told him that it actually made sense; he had never had time to process everything that had happened to him while he was still in the middle of it. Once he was no longer fighting for his life, it all caught up to him.
The next town is fairly small, and when Ash looks on his phone, it only has a couple motels. He hesitantly suggests one, heart already in his throat.
“Actually,” Eiji says lightly, “let’s drive a bit more. I think there’s a city in a few dozen more kilometers, and we might have more options there.” He makes it sound like it’s his idea. He doesn’t ask Ash to take over the driving. He’s kind, and perfect, and Ash loves him with his entire heart.
They end up staying at a place somewhere between a Motel 6 and a Hilton. It’s nicer than a motel, but far from the 5-star hotels Ash also has experience with. Eiji handles the check-in process while Ash anxiously fiddles with his bag behind him.
It’s fine. Everything is fine. Everything is going fine.
Until they get to the room, and Ash sees the bed.
It’s not so much the bed, really, as the headboard. One of those shitty headboards with metal bars across it. They always reminded Ash of a prison cell, long before he actually spent time in prison or even juvie. Exactly the kind of bed for—
Wrists tied to the headboard and a harshly spoken command to ‘stay still,’ but if he wanted him to just lie still why didn’t he buy a goddamn blowup doll instead of—
“Ash?” Eiji’s soft voice breaks through his thoughts.
“Hey. Eiji. Hey. Sorry.” Ash shakes his head, trying to reset like a fucking Etch-a-Sketch. “I’m here.”
Eiji glances at the door behind them. “Do you want the door chain locked or no?” he asks.
“Locked,” Ash says quickly. “Please.” Quieter, mostly to himself, he adds, “It’s just us. I trust you.” And he does, he really does.
Eiji falls asleep long before Ash even starts to drift off. The city light from outside is too bright, even through the curtains, and Ash can clearly see the outline of the hotel room when he opens his eyes. It doesn’t go away when he closes them, either.
It doesn’t make sense, and he can’t explain it, but he finds himself stretching his arms above his head, wrists together, and tapping them softly against the headboard. He quickly pulls back and rolls over onto his side, trying to focus on evening his breathing out.
Eiji must have felt him move, because he reaches for him—and there are hands on him, but it’s normal, this is okay, it’s Eiji, it’s Eiji, it’s Eiji—
He runs to the bathroom, bile rising quickly in his throat, and coughs it violently into the toilet. God, he’s on his knees, like—
Like a cheap whore giving a blowjob.
Fuck.
He hears footsteps entering the bathroom. He knows it’s Eiji, it has to be Eiji, but his body tenses anyway.
“Ash ...” Eiji whispers.
“Go back to bed,” Ash croaks. “I’m fine.”
“You are not,” Eiji admonishes softly. “And I’m not going to leave you by yourself until you are.”
Ash shakes his head.
He wonders, in this moment, what the last straw will be for Eiji. When staying with Ash will become too much, and he’ll leave. At what point will he realize that Ash will never really be better? Ash is going to be in therapy for the rest of his life, always working through something, and maybe there will be good days without panic attacks and intrusive thoughts, but there will be bad days too, and somewhere in the back of his mind he’ll always be that little boy—
Tied to a bed like this one. Pressed into the mattress. Breaking in his body and spirit until they both bleed.
He’s shaking.
Eiji flushes the toilet without a word, and sits on the floor next to Ash.
“I’m sorry,” Ash whispers, sitting back on his heels now.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Eiji insists. “I just ... wish I knew better how to help you.” He says it hesitantly, like he’s ashamed to admit that he doesn’t have all the answers. Ash almost laughs. Eiji does always know what to do, somehow, even if he doesn’t realize it. And Ash would never expect him to fix everything—to fix him. Just him being there is already so much more than Ash deserves. But ...
“Touch me,” Ash whispers.
Eiji blinks. “What?”
“Touch me. Touch me so it doesn’t hurt.”
Ash is expecting something sexual, or at least sensual. Instead, Eiji quietly gets up and leaves the bathroom. Ash almost breaks down sobbing on the spot. He was right. He’s too clingy, too needy, too much, and Eiji’s leaving, and—
Marvin leaves the room, hardly bothering to untie the bonds that already bruised Ash’s wrists. Not that it matters, anyway. Ash can’t move. His arms fall limp onto the mattress, and he closes his eyes. He might have a few minutes’ rest before the next one comes in, if he’s lucky. Footsteps resound too loudly as someone enters—
Eiji comes back.
Eiji.
Ash weakly looks up at him. He’s holding a comb, and he crouches down next to Ash.
“Your hair is getting long,” he says, a soft murmur that somehow still breaks through the noise in Ash’s head. He runs his fingers through Ash’s hair, detangling the matted strands with the softest touch imaginable before pulling the comb through the same spot. He works slowly; rhythmic, soothing. Ash finds himself leaning into Eiji’s touch and away from the toilet.
And he’s a doll again, maybe, his hair being brushed like this. But he’s not a living blowup doll this time. He’s not a toy; he’s not being played with. Eiji treats him like something precious—
No, that’s wrong. Dino treated him like something precious. Eiji treats him like someone precious.
Eiji makes him feel the way he wants Eiji to feel, he realizes with a start.
“Eiji,” Ash mutters.
“Yes, my love?”
“Eiji, Eiji.”
“I’m here, Ash.”
Eiji takes his time with the comb. Once Ash’s hair has been brushed all the way through, Ash expects him to leave again. He’ll go to sleep and leave Ash with his thoughts until morning. Sure enough, Eiji stands up.
Dino stands over him and he feels so, so small, crying on the floor and unable to calm down. ‘I’m sorry,’ he tries to say, but the words don’t come out right and he chokes on them and he’s worried he only upset Dino more. An unforgiving hand reaches down and—
Eiji softly takes one of Ash’s hands in both of his, and gently pulls him to his feet. Ash sways on his feet for a moment, a little disoriented, until he decides to only focus on the feeling of his hand in Eiji’s. He looks at their joined hands, this connection between them. Eiji rubs his thumb over Ash’s palm, then over his knuckles, and then he gently brings their hands up and kisses Ash’s fingers, featherlight.
Taking a step but not releasing Ash’s hand, Eiji leads Ash back into the main part of the hotel room. Ash avoids looking at the bed, instead focusing only on Eiji.
Eiji, Eiji, Eiji.
They sit, and Ash is on the bed but he isn’t lying down, and Eiji is next to him, so it’s not too bad. Eiji lets go of Ash’s hand and moves back toward the center of the bed. Ash can feel his thoughts slipping the second Eiji’s hand leaves his, and almost starts to panic.
But then Eiji’s hands are touching his shoulders, strong but gentle as he finds tension and works it away.
“Is this all right?” Eiji asks.
Ash can barely hum an assent.
This is a gradual process, too, but eventually Eiji’s hands slow. He runs the tips of his fingers down Ash’s back.
“How do you feel?” he asks.
Ash takes a deep breath. He can’t seem to find words, or at least can’t figure out how to speak them, so he nods instead. It’s not enough to convey even a fraction of his gratitude, but he’s not sure what else to do in this moment.
Eiji raises up onto his knees behind Ash, wraps his arms around him, and presses a kiss into his hair on the top of his head. “Do you want to try to sleep?”
Absurdly, for a moment Ash wonders what time it is, and how late checkout is at this hotel. The thought quickly falls from his mind, though, and he just nods again. Eiji pulls away from him, but doesn’t push him back onto the bed. He lets Ash lie back on his own, but then pulls the blankets up around him and tucks him in before lying down himself.
He turns to face Ash. “I’d ask for a kiss,” he starts, “but you need to brush your teeth first. I’ll kiss you in the morning.”
That startles a laugh out of Ash. “Why?” he manages, finally finding his voice.
Eiji scrunches his nose up. “I’m not explaining why I don’t want to kiss you right now.”
Ash laughs again, breathy, and shakes his head. “No, why ... all that?”
Eiji tilts his head at him, which, with him lying on his side, mostly just means he presses the top of his head further into the pillow. “You asked me to touch you so it doesn’t hurt.”
“I don’t understand,” Ash says, shaking his head again.
“Did it hurt?”
“No! Of course not.”
“Then you understand.” Eiji smiles. “I touched you, and it didn’t hurt. That was what you needed, right?”
“Yeah,” Ash breathes. “Yeah, I guess it was.”
“I’m glad. Now sleep, Ash. You’re on snack duty again first thing in the morning, okay? After brushing your teeth and a good morning kiss, of course.”
Ash smiles and closes his eyes, and this time the hotel room fades away. He doesn’t feel the sheets wrapped around him, only the heat of Eiji’s body next to his. His breathing steadies, and his thoughts don’t race. In fact, there’s only one thought in his head at all:
Eiji. Eiji. Eiji, I love you.
He doesn’t have to say it out loud to know what Eiji’s reply is.