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Harry was having a bad day. He knew it would be a bad day when he woke up and felt like just the act of breathing was a chore. Knew it would be a bad day when he slowly sat up and that weight of the world on his shoulders felt ten times heavier than it ever had before, felt the crushing reality of his own existence and everything his frankly shitty life had entailed so far.
So like any other teenager that still wasn’t quite good at grasping their emotions having been raised to stifle and shut them down, he laid back down, hid under the covers and he thought .
He thought about everything, about the abuse. About the fact that he didn’t know his own name until he was six. About the frying pans against his skull and the scorching summers weeding a stupid garden, making sure Aunt Petunia won first place for roses that Harry took care of. Having his dreams crushed as Dumbledore told him he had to go to the Dursleys. How he was safer there and how is couldn’t be that bad .
Without realizing it the teen laid there for hours, ruminating on everything that was wrong and had went wrong in his short lived life so far. It was an ugly cycle he tried to not get stuck in, but it was inevitable some days. The pressing weight of things he tried so hard to ignore but sat right there in his peripheral, just pulling and tugging at him constantly.
He was broken out of his thoughts suddenly at the gentle knock on his door.
“What is it?”
A timid voice replied. “I just want to make sure you’re okay? You missed breakfast and lunch and padfoot and I got a little worried.”
Harry was honestly a bit shocked at the resentment that rose in him at the sound of the man's voice. Not even thinking twice about the words that left his mouth, slightly muffled from being under the covers. “Oh so now you care that I’m gone?”
There was a long pause. “What?”
“You weren’t even there for twelve years of my life and now you’re worried about me?” he said, feeling his voice strain from holding back tears. He didn’t mean the words really. Except that a part of him did, a part of him felt so angry at the fact that the one person left from his parents hadn’t looked for him. Hadn’t tried to find him. He was left all alone until he finally showed up when it felt like it was already too late. “You were never there for any of it before? So why are you even bothering now?”
Another heavy silence settled over them again. After a few moments Remus let out a heavy sigh. “Can I come in Harry? Please?”
He thought it over, feeling that crushing loneliness surrounding him, and as much as he felt angry at the man, even for reasons he couldn’t quite understand, he was so tired of being alone.
“Yes.” Came the teen’s soft reply.
Quietly, Remus opened the door and gently closed it behind him. He made his way over to the teen’s bed. “Is it okay if I sit?” He patiently waited on a reply from the other, finally sitting down when he saw the nod of yes from the tuft of black locks still visible from under the covers.
Harry still had his back to the werewolf, but he was aware of him all the same, sensing the tenseness of the older man as he felt the bed dip where he sat down.
“I-I truly wish that there was a way I could apologize to you for not being there Harry. I’m not sure anything could truly make up for that, and I don’t want to make excuses. Because what you feel isn’t wrong. I want to assure you that. If I may though, would you let me explain myself. Not to make excuses, but simply so you can understand me a bit more?” He waited a moment before seeing a nod again. “Firstly I want to say Harry, that I did try to look for you. I’m not sure if Dumbledore told you this, but where you were living was kept a secret from literally everyone. He told us it was for your safety that you had no contact with the wizarding world, that absolutely no one knew where you were.” He laughed bitterly. “Of course that didn’t stop me. I spent months begging the old coot, telling him time and time again how Lily and James entrusted you to me, how you were my cub and I had to know where you were. I was supposed to take care of you.” Remus felt himself choke up a bit. He paused for a few moments taking a deep breath. “And I guess he got tired of it, and so he made me face the reality of things. The fact that you being my cub was exactly a part of the problem . The ministry would never let a werewolf like me take care of a wizarding child, let alone the so called savior of the wizarding world. He was right of course, the ministry would never let me take care of a child, I’m just an infectious beast .” Remus scowled at this, feeling the tears already beginning to stream down his face.
Harry was no better off under the covers, hiccupping softly as he just finally let himself cry, feeling a pain for both himself and his godfather. Slowly, having turned around at this point so he’s facing Remus, the teen reached out from under the covers and grabbed the man’s hand, gently squeezing it.
The werewolf gently smiled as he squeezed the calloused hand back. He firmly held it in his as he continued to talk. “He told me how there would be no one to watch you when on my full moon nights and when I recovered and in a way he was right. Merlin, he even pointed out how I couldn’t take care of you if I didn’t have a job. I think that one hurt the most. Mainly because we both knew that he could have fixed that, but he didn’t. So I left. I left the wizarding world, a place where I had no money now that Sirius was gone and they refused to open your parents’ will, where they refused to hire me. I tried so hard to find you myself. I spent so many years Harry searching for your scent somewhere, anywhere where I could find my cub, but it was like you’d disappeared and after a couple years it was like a part of me broke. I was homeless for so long during all those years. Hell I can only think of maybe two years during all that time where I wasn’t living on the streets. In an instance everything that supported me and I held dear had disappeared. My pack, my mate, my cub. It was all gone. Everything was gone and I lived in two worlds that were never made for me. There were so many nights where I went to sleep cold and starving, and all I felt was shame because it was like Dumbledore was right. How could I have taken care of you? The world hated me, I couldn't just drag you down into that.”
Remus was full on crying at this point, squeezing tightly onto Harry’s hand. Unable to take it the other pulled him done onto the bed, enveloping him into a hug, their tears bleeding together. The werewolf gladly reciprocated, pulling the teen tightly to his chest. “I’m so sorry Harry. For not being there for you, I wish to everything in existence that I could have been. That I could have taken you away and kept all of that from Happening. I understand if you hate me for that, for not being there. I should have been.”
Harry roughly shook his head against the man’s chest. “I don’t hate you.” He said fiercely, tears warbling his words. “Please don’t ever think I hate you Remus. You’re-” He sniffled. “You’re one of the only adults in my life that actually tried , I just didn’t know you had. I’m, I’m sorry for saying what I did. I just, I felt so angry . I woke up and it was like everything was playing in my head endlessly, every hit, every horrible word, every adult that just left me there.”
He ran a hand through the teen’s hair. “You have nothing to be sorry for Harry you didn’t know . I didn’t tell you because I felt so much shame about it. I was so scared to try and see you even after you came to the wizarding world because of that shame. I thought I couldn’t be of any use in your life, a homeless werewolf.”
“I promise Remus that you are. You’re one of the only adults I can fully trust, and I love you so much. Please, don’t ever think that you wouldn’t be of any use in my life. You’ve helped me so much, you’ve stood up to Dumbledore for me for Merlin’s sake, that’s more than most. You don’t need to feel shame in how you were homeless, you struggled just like I did and you tried dammit. You did something no one else did. I don’t think you understand how much that means to me, but it means a lot and I want you to know that.”
They were both all out sobbing at this point, desperately holding onto each other, “I love you so much cub, and I promise I’ll do my best to make sure nothing ever takes me away from you again. Not Dumbledore, not the ministry, not anyone .”
It was silent after that, the room only filled with their sniffles as they slowly calmed down, both of them emotionally raw from the whole ordeal. After a while Remus spoke up, still gently carding his fingers through Harry’s hair. “Do you feel any better?”
He smiled a bit. “A little bit yeah.”
“That’s good. Again, I’m so sorry cub. I wish I could have been there for you.”
Harry shook his head. “Like I said, you made an effort. It’s more than anyone else.”
Remus frowned. Right before he could open his mouth and continue what would definitely be an endless argument Sirius burst through the door. “All right Remus tried the soft approach now it’s my tur-”
The dog animagus paused as he looked at the two and pouted. “Aw no fair you’re having a cuddle pile without me?”
A snort came from Harry at this, succeeding in the ex-con’s plan of trying to lighten the mood. “You can join us if you want pads.” The teen offered.
Without hesitation the man accepted, quickly turning into dog form as he wiggled his way in between the two, earning a nice round of laughter from the two previously crying individuals. Sirius happily lathered the two in dog kisses, trying his best to lift their spirits.
He knew he succeeded in his mission at the soft look in both his husband’s and his kid’s eyes. The two happily gave him head scratches after they’d settled down, earning a happy groan from the large grim.
Over his head they gave each other their own look, feeling lighter than before. It was in that moment that Harry knew, he may not have had many adults to trust in his life, but he had Sirius, and he had Remus. He’d always had the both of them. He may have not known it until just then, but it felt nice all the same to know. Even if they weren’t there, they’d tried . That was all he wanted, love and effort.
They had plenty of that. In their quilted family, the wolf, the grim, and the little prongslet.