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welton college
2016
The common room has a golden glow about it.
There's a fake Christmas tree in the corner decked in silvery garlands and bright red ornaments that glittered like rubies. Music like that of a music box drifts from an old record player. Someone has put a looping video of a crackling fire on the small television and, though they were barred from lighting the real fireplace, they had hung store-bought stockings from the mantle, seven in all. Outside, it’s a cold and clear night. Inside, it’s warm. Todd feels it in his toes and on the apples of his cheeks.
It’s hard to believe he’s only known the six other people in the room for a little less than four months.
Has he not always made misshapen pots and vases in pottery class with Knox? Was there a time he didn’t eat breakfast with Cameron and watch how he rolled his eyes over his coffee every time Charlie failed to catch a thrown grape in his mouth? Were there ever days he didn’t meet Meeks in the library to quietly proofread each other’s essays or stop by the coffee shop so Pitts could give them free hot chocolate on his breaks? When, exactly, had he not lived with Neil?
Their relationships feel infinite.
Not that Todd has the nerve to say any of that out loud. The heat in his cheeks flares up at the mere thought. He’s happy enough standing by the fireplace, a mug of hot cider cradled in his hands, watching as his friends exchange their Secret Santa gifts.
He already gave Cameron the desk set he had bought him, the one he saw him eyeing a couple of weeks before.
Charlie had rolled his eyes and said to Cameron, “You have the taste of an orthopedic surgeon the hospital is trying to force into retirement –” and at Todd’s slightly embarrassed flush, he hastily added “– no offense to your gift giving, Todd.”
Knox flicked Charlie’s ear on one side and Neil swatted him in the arm on the other.
Todd’s just happy Cameron’s happy. He’s just happy they all are, really.
Neil has started to make a beeline over to the fireplace and suddenly the room has gotten even warmer.
“Hey.”
Todd wills himself not to duck his head immediately. “Hey.”
“So –” Neil, who Todd is realizing has a package in his hands, holds the gift out to Todd. “Happy Secret Santa.”
For a moment, all Todd does is stare at the gift. It’s wrapped in newspaper, but not hastily. And it’s not just any newspaper – it’s carefully folded copies of the New York Times arts section. Neil has tied it with a vibrant green ribbon, a bit of holly at the center of the bow. It’s too beautiful to tear apart.
But realizing he hasn’t said or done anything in a good minute, Todd quickly takes the gift and stutters out, “Thank you – thanks. Neil, this is…”
Carefully – so carefully his hands tremble slightly – Todd unties the ribbon and tears at the paper, feeling a pang of sadness as he does. The sadness is immediately replaced with astonishment when Todd catches sight of the package’s contents.
“Wait – Neil, this is –”
“Do you already have this collection?” Neil asks, the words rushing out, as if a dam had broken inside him. He’s bouncing on his toes. The energy radiating off of him is near overwhelming. “I was looking at your books and didn’t think you did, but –”
The book has a green hard cover, the green a close match to that of the gift’s ribbon, and, set in gold lettering on the spine, is The Poems of Emily Dickinson. It has to be a first edition of some kind. It has the smell of an old and lived-in library, of having been read over hot tea and in the early afternoon sun. Todd feels unworthy of it.
Then Neil settles next to him, his shoulder pressing against Todd’s, and gently flips the book open to the second page, the table of contents unfurling before them. “Show me one of your favorites.”
Todd hardly knows where to start, hardly knows how to thank Neil for such a gift, hardly knows how to describe the overflow of feelings pumping out of his heart. He’ll start by finding “If you were coming in the fall.”
He can figure out the rest later.
[Knox, now a box set of The Twilight Zone richer, finds his way over to Charlie, currently enamored with his new bongos. Somewhere in the background, Richard Cameron must be internally screaming.
“Hey, you told me you had Todd,” Knox says over the percussion beat.
“I lied,” Charlie says easily. Too easily. In the four months Knox has known him, Charlie has revealed himself to be a lot of things. Someone who lies for the fun of it is not one of them.
“But why?”
It’s not as though Charlie had Knox and even with a trade, he still ended up with –
Oh.
Knox glances across the room, to where Neil is leaning over Todd’s shoulder as Todd flips through his book, landing on a poem Knox can sense is his favorite. As Todd appears to lose himself in the poetry, Neil’s not looking at the page at all. He’s looking at Todd as if he’s the timeless piece of art.
“Huh,” Knox says. Something’s just beginning here.]
welton college
2018
In the course of an hour, Todd has somehow lost track of all his friends.
At some point, Knox had pulled Neil upstairs and Charlie trailed after them not a minute later. He has not seen any of that trio since. Meeks and Pitts had disappeared earlier than that, Pitts shouting something about the view of Venus in the night’s sky. Tonight, it must be visible to the naked eye. If Todd looks hard enough, he’ll surely find Cameron fuming alone in a corner, but Todd is having trouble looking anywhere that’s not down at the sticky hardwood floor.
He has a red solo cup in his hand with cherry punch sloshing in it. The person directly in front of him has one shoe untied. The opening verse of “Merry Christmas Darling” swirls around him so much like snow would. It feels a little cold, too. He wants to go upstairs. Who’s around to stop him?
Then just as Todd has placed his cup on the mantle of the fireplace and moved to go, he collides straight into Neil.
“There you are,” spoken by Neil as though Todd were the one who vanished.
But when Todd opens his mouth to voice that, all his words get stuck up in his throat.
Because Neil has that look on his face, one that Todd knows all too well, where Neil’s eyes brim with fiery determination and his smile – the dimples on his cheeks – they’re as deep as the sea. Todd drowns in them. Every single time.
“For the first time in my whole life, I know what I wanna do! And for the first time, I'm gonna do it!”
That’s what Neil had said to Todd the first time he got that look. And Todd had been there for nearly every audition, rehearsal, and opening night that followed.
What can Neil possibly want to do so desperately now? What life changing decisions are left to be made, and at a Christmas party nearing one o’clock in the morning?
“What’s going on, Neil?” Todd asks, because Neil has not stopped staring at him with that overwhelming smile and he’s starting to squirm under the attention.
Neil holds out his hand and, nestled there, is the smallest sprig of mistletoe, tied up with a little red bow.
“Merry Christmas.”
Todd’s lips part. There’s no one else in the room anymore, not to him.
“Only if you want to,” Neil adds quickly. “You – you do want to...right?”
Todd’s lips are dry and his heart has jumped into his throat and his hands are shaking. So are Neil’s. None of that matters. Todd nods his head, so slightly it must be nearly imperceptible. Neil sees it. He’s always seen every tiny move Todd’s made, heard every quiet thing he’s said and every silent thing he’s been afraid to. They’ve made up a whole language, just for the two of them, and it’s dawning on Todd how that’s the very essence of love. It has been, this entire time.
Neil cups Todd’s face with both hands, the near-forgotten mistletoe brushing against Todd’s jawline. It’s fine. Perfect even. Todd brings his hands to rest on Neil's chest, feels how his heart is beating just as fast as Todd’s is.
Suddenly unable to stand waiting a second longer, Todd’s the one who surges forward and presses his lips to Neil’s. Every part of their bodies seem to be touching, nose brushing nose, chest brushing chest, heart against heart. Neil kisses just as he performs – committed, impassioned, and free. As if it’s the only thing he wants to do with the rest of his life now that he has it.
When they finally pull away, breathless, Neil presses their foreheads together. His eyes are shining. “I’ve been wanting to do that since...I don’t even know anymore. Forever, maybe.”
Forever, definitely. Todd had long since forgotten there were times in his life before Neil Perry.
“Knox told me to come talk to you,” Neil says and a few things click into place. Todd also begins to remember they’re in the midst of a party – one held in their own home, but a party nonetheless. The boy with one shoe untied is still a short distance away and the last notes of “Merry Christmas Darling” are fading out.
“I might have some things to tell you,” Todd says softly, while silently sending thanks to Knox, wherever he may be.
In answer, Neil reaches down and threads their fingers together, squeezing once. “Wanna go upstairs?”
“Yes.”
[Somehow up with the sunrise, despite having a headache with the force of a military tank rolling over his brain, Knox stumbles into the kitchen the morning after the party to find Todd scrambling eggs at the stove. He’s humming “Merry Christmas Darling” and, even though his back is turned, Knox can tell he’s smiling.
For a brief moment, Knox’s headache vanishes.
“Morning.”
Todd jumps at Knox’s greeting, making Knox wish he could snatch it back. Then, Todd glances over his shoulder and his smile is wider than Knox had imagined. Knox watches Todd carefully move the pan off the burner and wipe his hands on a dish towel — the kitchen looks surprisingly decent for a place that saw a college party and Knox himself throwing up in the punch bowl — and yet that still does not prepare him for Todd throwing his arms around his neck and squeezing tight.
“Thank you,” Todd whispers in his ear.
“Yeah, uh–” Knox swallows, his eyes suddenly a little watery, and he winds his arms around Todd’s waist to hug him back. “Merry Christmas.”]
new york
2021
The forecast calls for snow. Just not yet.
They’re still bundled up in coats, scarves, and knitted hats as they shuffle into the Public Theater. Charlie had whistled when the building came into view. “Perry’s really made it, huh?”
After stowing their winter clothes, Todd collects their playbills as Charlie makes a beeline for the bar. He comes back several minutes later with three flutes of champagne.
As Todd takes his, he opens his mouth to promise he’ll pay Charlie back, but Charlie already has him read. “Nope, no repaying. You and Perry are putting us up in your apartment for Christmas. And last time I checked –” Charlie points at Todd “– broke MFA student –” then to Knox “– broke law student –” and finally to himself “– incredibly successful young New Haven banker.”
“You forgot sexy,” Knox says flatly before taking a sip of his champagne.
“Right back at you, darling,” Charlie drawls, causing Knox to cough up a bit of that sip.
Todd has missed them fiercely.
The lights start to blink above them and Neil has drilled it into them all that means it’s time to get to their seats. As the usher brings them down the aisle, closer and closer to the stage, Todd realizes Neil must have pulled every string he had to get them these seats. Third row, dead center.
Charlie whistles again. “Merry Christmas to us.”
“Remember,” Knox, already whispering, says as they settle into their seats. “You really can’t talk.”
“Give me a little credit, Knoxious.”
They bicker until the curtain flies up, but Todd can’t look at it any way but fondly. They’ve all come a long way from their Welton days, when they took up practically an entire row of the Welton theater and laughed raucously at every joke Neil’s character made, cheered through his every fight scene, and cried through every untimely demise. Todd could suffer through those deaths, knowing Neil would be back to take his bow, always with the most joyous tears welling up in his eyes.
Todd’s not so sure he can handle those tears, no matter how joyous, tonight. To see Neil achieve his dream, Todd’s pride and happiness might just make him burst.
The lights come up on A Christmas Carol. Somewhere close by, Neil Perry dressed as nephew Fred waits in the wings for his cue.
It passes in such a blur that Todd’s a little worried about how he’d do if Neil quizzes him on any of the sets, or costumes, or characters later. He has eyes for Neil and nothing but Neil. Neil’s smile at Ebenezer, Neil’s quicksteps as Fred dances with his beloved, Neil’s exuberance as he runs downstage to take his bow.
Charlie’s cheers echo in his ear. Charlie’s cheers and his own, so loud he hardly recognizes his own voice.
Knox is the one to push them through the crowds flooding out of the theater and Charlie elbows them into a good spot at the stage door. Neil had offered to take the backstage immediately after, but Charlie wanted the “full fan experience.”
When Neil comes out the stage door, his face aglow, Todd has to agree with Charlie. The full fan experience is breathtaking.
Charlie shoves his playbill directly under Neil’s nose. “Alright, Perry, give me some proof I knew you when.”
Instead of signing, Neil throws his arms around Charlie’s neck and holds tight. Neil starts whispering something to Charlie that Todd can’t hear. He at once sees them as if they were six years old again, playing pirates on the playground and promising they’d take on the world together. Todd glances over at Knox and, in the way he’s smiling soft and wistful, knows he sees the same thing.
When they finally pull away, Todd sees Charlie discreetly wipe a tear away with the sleeve of his coat.
“We always knew you could do it, Neil,” Knox says and then they’re hugging, too.
Todd is close to bursting, just as he thought he would be. Neil’s eyes find him and everything else – the crowd, the cold, even Knox and Charlie – fades away.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
Todd presses his gloved hand against Neil’s cheek, marvels still at how easily Neil leans into it, at how happy Neil looks just to have Todd standing there. “You were good,” Todd whispers. “You were really, really good.”
[They’re trailing after Todd and Neil and Knox cannot stop looking at their linked arms, the way their heads are bowed together, how their hair shines under the lights of the city. Their city. They’re Knox’s best friends in the whole world and they might also be its greatest love story.
Charlie makes a retching sound beside him.
“What?”
“You make more heart eyes at Todd and Neil than they make at each other.”
Knox scoffs. “I do not. I just –”
High above them, snow begins to swirl. Soon it’ll collect in Neil’s hair, and Todd’s eyelashes, and the collar of Charlie’s wool coat. It will all be so beautiful and Knox will feel so happy that he’ll wish he could trap the moment in a snow globe, one he can shake on the bad days and watch the snow fall again and he’ll be right back here. Loving his friends, loving Charlie, loving the world.
Knox feels Charlie’s hand tuck into the crook of his elbow and pull. He hadn’t realized he stopped walking. When Knox looks over at Charlie, he finds him smiling. “Yeah. I know.”
All the movies told it right. There’s nothing like Christmas in New York.]
new haven
2022
Charlie had all but pushed them out of the apartment.
It was under the guise that Knox needed space to cook, but they had resolved to order take out from the nearest place open on Christmas Eve because collectively they had the cooking skills of an eight year old. Todd has to assume Charlie and Knox just wanted their apartment to themselves for an hour.
And it isn’t a hardship, strolling through the Yale campus at Christmas time.
A light dusting of snow had fallen the night before and it gleams in the moonlight. Alongside the moon and stars, a series of street lamps lining the brick paths light their way. Many of the great stone buildings have wreaths hanging on their doors. It all feels a bit like stepping back in time, where the world smells of pine and ice and the barest whiffs of Neil’s cologne.
It all makes Todd smile despite his red nose.
“It looks like Hogwarts,” Neil declares, opening his arms out wide as if to invite the magic inside.
“You would think that,” Todd says with a soft laugh. “Albus Severus Potter.”
Neil grins, as he does every time he’s reminded that come March he’ll be making his Broadway debut in one of the largest play mountings in New York history. And soon Todd will be finishing and presenting his thesis to his professors at Columbia, an MFA now within his grasp.
As freshmen at Welton, did any of it seem possible? Todd remembers the nights he and Neil spent lying in their separate beds, whispering up to the ceiling about the future, all the shapes it might take. Neil spoke of it – of the plays, and the poetry collections, and the apartments at the very top of the cityscape – like a sure thing. Todd had never doubted Neil could do it all. What Todd had doubted was himself.
But Neil never doubted him. It all became possible because of Neil.
“I love you,” Todd blurts out. No prompting, no real reason beyond needing to say it. Saying it always feels like the first time for Todd. His heart hammers, his tongue gets a little tied, but the second he says it, all he wants to do is say it again, and again, and again.
Neil’s stopped walking and he’s staring at Todd with an almost indescribable look in his eyes. He’s looking at Todd as if he might not be real.
“Please marry me.”
Had Todd still been moving, he would have tripped on air. For a brief but terrifying moment, Todd’s scared Neil’s joking. That he’ll take it back, that he hadn’t meant it, that he’s realized this whole affair has been a great mistake.
Todd knows better, though. He knows Neil.
Without flourish — even a little awkwardly — Neil gets down on one knee and pulls out a small velvet box. “I had this whole speech I workshopped with Knox and Charlie and it had all this stuff about how I’ve always felt Christmastime is our time because we got together at a Christmas party and...and I’m realizing not every moment needs a big speech. I just love you. I just love you so much and that’s everything.”
Neil opens the box to reveal a simple gold band. It reminds Todd of the golden lettering on the first present Neil ever gave him. Then and now, Todd hardly knows where to begin.
He can start with nodding his head. Because as with nearly every question Neil Perry has ever asked him, the answer is yes.
[Charlie throws the door open the second they hear steps on their landing and Knox nearly topples to the ground, saved only by Charlie grabbing him back by the collar.
Knox fusses over Todd’s ring and Charlie claps Neil on the back, congratulating him on finally making an honest man out of Todd. There’s an overpriced bottle of champagne chilling in an ice bucket they had found in the back of their pantry when they moved in and Charlie insists it’s tradition that the best man pop it. The top somehow manages to nearly take out Knox’s eye and land in their tiny Christmas tree.
It’s all perfect anyway.]
london
2023
Todd can’t help but pinch himself as they walk hand in hand down the bank of the Thames.
Night has fallen, but this side of the river is bursting with light and life. There are strings around every tree and hanging under the bridges. Everywhere, couples like them walk, mittened hands clasped together, ignoring any chilling breeze rolling off the water. It’s perfect.
And the Globe approaches.
They had already visited once before, on the first day of their honeymoon because Neil just couldn’t wait. The Globe season had closed with the weather, but Neil still snapped a hundred pictures, bought four DVD productions, and made Todd promise they’d be back sometime in the summer so they could stand in the yard, at the lip of Shakespeare’s stage, and travel back in time to his London.
Todd wonders if he wants just the summer.
As they join the queue to enter the Sam Wanamaker Playhouse, where a production of Othello awaits them, Todd can’t stop staring at Neil, at his wide and bright eyes and at the thrill in his smile. It hasn’t been reserved for Shakespeare only. When they strolled the West End, or sat in Regent’s Park, or turned down any new and alluring street, Todd got a strange feeling Neil was tampering down some of his excitement. As if he doesn’t want to let on how London has run away with his heart.
Todd can envision Neil walking across the Millenium Bridge every day, St. Paul’s Cathedral at his back, as he made his way to work.
“Hey,” Todd says, nudging Neil with his shoulder, tearing him from his long gaze down the Thames. “I – I have something we should think about.”
In an instant, Todd has Neil’s full attention. “Anything.”
“We should think about moving here, someday.”
Todd expects Neil to protest, lightly. To say they have lives and friends in New York, burgeoning careers in the theatrical and literary worlds, comfort and familiarity in a country that’s not entirely foreign to them. To say Todd shouldn’t put all his own dreams on hold so Neil could follow a gut feeling, voracious need to be in this city that’s so beautiful in the wintertime and surely just as beautiful in the summer.
And Todd’s ready to say he’s not putting anything on hold. He can write anywhere. His muse has and always will be Neil, so wherever Neil goes the words follow.
What Todd does not expect but perhaps should have is this: “I love you. I love you so much.”
And when Neil kisses him, it tastes of eternity.
[The Christmas tree in the Dalton-Overstreet apartment is dangerously close to tipping over, only half the cookie dough made it into the oven, and Love Actually is playing far too loudly on the TV. Knox is not paying mind to any of that.
He has his head in Charlie’s lap and his phone is hovering a few inches too close to his face. He’s deceivingly playing a game of Candy Crush, but every time he loses, he immediately switches over to Instagram to refresh his feed.
Above him, Charlie rolls his eyes. “They didn’t post anything thirty seconds ago and they’re not going to post anything in the next thirty seconds either. Also, you’re terrible at Candy Crush.”
Knox huffs, but rests his phone on his chest instead of returning to the level that crushed him ten times already. On the screen, Colin Firth is professing his love in broken Portuguese. It has always been Knox’s second favorite plotline.
“We should go to Portugal,” Knox says.
“I thought you’d want to go to the City of Love, first,” Charlie says. He has a hand threaded in Knox’s hair and he tugs, gently.
“I’ve got a list.”
It’s really just a note on his phone, a collection of half-ideas and wishes. But with Neil and Todd in London, married, the whole one hundred yards, the ideas are starting to feel less like something Knox has to wish for and more like something he can make happen. Soon.
His fingers start drumming against his phone. He hears Charlie snort. “You want to check again, don’t you.”
Knox manages to resist the urge. It’s pretty easy to do when he’s leaning up to kiss Charlie instead.
When Neil does finally post a photo, a shot of him and Todd outside the iron gates of the Globe with their hands clasped between them and Todd looking at Neil like he hung the moon, Knox makes sure to comment a dozen red hearts.
And one Christmas tree.]