Archive of Our Own

“This is kind of funny, isn’t it?” Glimmer said, as Adora closed the trunk of the Uhaul.

 “What do you mean?” Adora said.

 “Y’know…lesbians…Uhauls…”

 “Lesbian. Singular.”

 “Is Catra not a lesbian?”

 “No, she is, but we’re friends.” Glimmer gave Adora a look of disbelief. “Lesbians can be friends, okay?”

 “Okay.”

 Bow put his arm on Glimmer’s shoulder, and faced Adora. “I really wish we could drive you up there, but I’m pretty sure my dads would kill us if we didn’t do Christmas with them.”

 “Also Adora should get to do this alone.”

 “Oh my god will you let it go?”

 “I just meant that I know you’ll get to stop at all the cheesy roadside attractions you want…”

 “Oh.” Adora said. “Sorry. I thought—“

 “I mean, there is that too.”

 Adora rolled her eyes. “Well, anyway…” Adora said, voice beginning to quiver. “I’m gonna miss y’all so much.”

 “WE’RE GONNA MISS YOU TOO!” Bow shouted, breaking into tears.

 “Ugh,” Glimmer said, wiping a tear. “I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.” They all laughed while the tears kept coming. “How are we supposed to exist in New Orleans without Adora?”

 “Yeah,” Adora said. “What will New Orleans do without a blonde white woman?” They all laughed.

 “Okay, let’s go over the checklist,” Bow said.

 “Okay,” Adora said, wiping away tears. “Coat?”

 “Check.”

 “Second coat?”

 “Does she need two coats?” Glimmer said.

 “Chicago is cold, okay?” Bow said.

 “Yes,” Adora mutters. “check.”

 “What’s that?”

 “I have two coats!”

 “Okay, good. Snacks?”

 “Doritos and Take Fives.”

 “Caffeine?”

 “Whole six pack of Mexican coke.”

 “Podcasts?”

 “Downloaded and ready to go.” Bow pauses.

 “Our undying love and affection?” Bow breaks into tears again.

 “Bow,” Glimmer said. “Don’t start again, you know if you start I’ll start too.”

 “Maybe if Chicago is really cool y’all can move up there and we can all live in the same city?”

 “Uh,” Bow said. “Sure.”

 “I’ll see what I can do about that, because I don’t want to live far from any of my best friends.” Adora looked at Bow and Glimmer. “I can’t even look at y’all. It’s too much.” With a sharp exhale, Adora said “Well, I should get on the road.”

 “I already can’t wait for your birthday,” Glimmer said.

 “Right,” Adora said, clearing the tears from her eyes, “I’ll see y’all in like a month.”

 “Yeah.”

 “Yeah.” Adora said. “Well, I’m going. I love y’all.” Adora climbed into the car and turned it on. She clicked in her seatbelt, wiped her tears forgetting that there was a window and Bow and Glimmer could see her psyching herself out.

 “Bye Adora” Bow said, and Adora heard through the muffle of the window. She gave a weak smile, waved, and started driving.

The streetlights were just beginning to come on as Adora pulled off the highway. She looked around at the buildings and said “this is home I guess. Welcome Adora. Thanks, Adora. You’re welcome Adora. Oh, boy, two days and I’ve already lost it.”

 It felt so strange to be here, in a Uhaul. The city felt so unfamiliar at night, and it seemed so wrong to be driving through it in a Uhaul. After getting lost a couple of times, she found a parking spot that was relatively close to Catra’s apartment. 

Catra

I don’t know where I am.

i mean does anyoen?

😒

drop a pin and send me it

What does that even mean?

just go to where it says send location ok

Location Sent.

k gimme a minute

Cool! Excited to see you!

After a couple minutes, Adora realized Catra was not going to answer that. She shoved her phone back in her pocket and tried to nestle into her coat. She realized she should probably at least grab her bag with some clothes for the night. So she opened the car door and reached in.

 “Hey princess.” Adora upon hearing this got so excited she slammed her head on the ceiling of the car. Catra laughed. Adora started laughing too, and she turned to look at Catra. Her face was framed by a coat that reached up to her chin and went around her face. The neon orange glow of the streetlight gave her face dramatic shadows. Even her cute little nose.

 “Awwwwww” Adora laughed.

 “What?”

 “Look at this kitty cat all bundled up.”

 “Shut up!” They hugged, and started walking towards Catra’s apartment building. As they walked they talked about the drive. Ten minutes and three flights of steps later, they arrived at Catra’s door, and Adora’s heart started racing.

 “Mistletoe? On your door?”

 “Shut up, I just didn’t want to buy a whole fucking wreath.” Catra opened the door.

 “Oh my god.”

 “You like it?

 “I don’t like it, I love it.” The walls were all exposed brick, and the ceilings were tall. Adora looked to the left, seeing the kitchen, with the trash can slightly ajar from being so full. In front of her the bed was made, and to the right there was a couch and a TV. “You put fairy lights up?” Catra blushed.

 “Uh…am I allowed to say no?”

 “It looks so good.”

 “I knew you’d like it.” Adora put her bag down and the two started taking their coats off.

 “Shoes off” Catra said.

 “Okay, okay.” Adora took her shoes off. “I really missed you, Catra.”

 “I missed you too.”

 “I’m just so excited that we’re going to live near each other again. Even if I live in a different part of the city, it’s okay.”

 “And now I can actually meet the girls you date. Someone has to save your useless lesbian ass.”

 “Yeah.” Adora said, as she looked away. She had almost forgotten it was “just” friendship. Her eyes darted around the one-room apartment looking for something to take her mind off of it. “Is that a CHRISTMAS TREE?”

 “Oh. Yeah.”

 “It’s so cute.”

 “Thanks.”

 “But also—so…naked?”

 “Oh, yeah, um. Okay, well, I thought…don’t be an Adora about this but…I thought we’d decorate it together?”

 “Oh my god, really?”

 “I just told you not to be an Adora about this.”

 “Okay. Yeah, serious.” Adora made a comically stern face. “Very cool. Yeah. Decorating Christmas trees.”

 “Oh shut up,” Catra laughed. She went behind the couch and pulled out a full brown paper grocery bag.

 “Oh my god, Catra Clause.”

 “Calm down princess, it’s just ornaments.”

 “Aw…”

 “You’ll get your gift on Christmas.” Catra said. “Plus, you’re the one with that red and white coat. Shouldn’t it be Adora Clause?”

 “Okay, maybe we can both be Clauses.”

 “Ah yes, two lesbian Santa Clauses sent to ruin Christmas.” They both giggled.

 “So, we gonna start?”

 “Yeah.” Catra said, leaning towards the bag, and giving Adora a view of Catra’s ass, and her gently swaying tail. Adora had missed Catra’s tail (and ass) but forgot just how much she did. “So,” Catra turned around and handed her a box and broke the trance. “What?”

 “Oh, nothing.”

 “Okay…” Catra said. “Anyway, you wanna do the left side, I’ll do the right?”

 “Sure! Can I put on my Christmas playlist?”

 “Is it just Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ a thousand times?”

 “Okay first of all: rude. That song is a masterpiece—“

 “Is it though?”

 “Secondly no. It’s just some good old fashioned Christmas music…” Catra looked at her in disbelief. “Okay, fine it’s on the playlist at ten different places.”

 “Adora…”

 “But there’s like 400 songs!”

 “Ugh fine. But it’s just because we’re celebrating you moving here.”

 “Yesss!” Adora grabbed her bag and found her phone. Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” plays.

 “Ugh I hate you.” Catra tried to grab Adora’s phone but missed and grabbed her hand. They both stop and look each other in the eyes. Then Catra seizes the moment and grabs the phone.

 “Hey, give it back!”

 “No.”

 “Okay but please don’t change it.”

 “Fine, at least let me hook it into this absurd sound system.” After a moment, Mariah Carey’s voice could be heard in surround sound.

 “Woah.”

 “Right?”

 “Mariah’s so beautiful,” Adora said, shaky with emotion.

 “Ugh let’s just decorate this damn tree.”

 The first thing to do was to put lights in the tree. Catra connected the wires, and they handed it back and forth until it was throughout the tree. Catra went to plug it in, but only half the lights came on.

 “Fuck.” Catra said. “Adora do you know—“

 “On it.” Adora started looking at the lights until she saw one that seemed slightly out of place, she clicked it into place, and the lights came on. Adora watched as Catra’s eyes widened, and Catra gave the smallest smile as she looked the tree up and down. Then she looked back at Adora, who was staring at this point.

 “What?” Catra said.

 “Am I not allowed to look at my best friend?” Adora said.

 “No homo, of course.”

 “Yeah.” Catra was so beautiful, and funny…which made her way out of Adora’s league romantically. She was so confident, and had been on lots of dates with lots of different women, one sounding cooler than the next. But Adora? Adora stayed home. The last time she had been on a date…well, she was a different person then.

 They went on, decorating the tree, and humming along to Adora’s playlist. Catra kept instinctively batting ornaments off the tree, which gave Adora a giggle each time. They started chatting about the podcasts Adora listened to on the drive, Catra’s stress at the firm, the friends that didn’t bother coming to Adora’s going away party. It really happened. Adora really packed up her shit and moved to Chicago. And finally, she could see her…best friend regularly. Not just in pictures.

 After the third time “All I Want for Christmas is You” played, Adora stepped back from the tree. “Looks, pretty good, don’t you think?” She asked, falling back onto the couch.

 “Yeah, it does.”

 “So are we going to watch a Christmas movie or…”

 “Adora. I am so fucking tired. I absolutely need to sleep. I’ve been up since 6 AM today.”

 “Valid. It’s been a long day for me too, I guess.”

 “Yep. Now get off my bed.”

 “Your bed’s over there.”

 “No, Adora I’m sleeping on the couch.”

 “Absolutely not. I am your guest. I will not move.” She laid out on the couch and imitated cartoonish snoring sounds, hoping Catra would pounce on her like when they were kids.

 “You are so annoying. Fine. Good night Adora.” Adora opened her eyes again, and watched as Catra’s ass and tail walked to bed.

 “Good night, Catra.” Adora covered herself with the loosely knit throw blanket. She started to think about Christmas. Just the two of them together. And then she fell asleep.

Adora woke up still in darkness curled up in a ball and freezing. She opened her eyes and looked around hoping to see another blanket. She got up and began to tiptoe around the apartment, opening random drawers and cupboards, until one creaked loudly.

 “What are you looking for?” Catra said, without shifting or opening her eyes.

 “Oh. Um. Another blanket?”

 “Sorry princess, the only other one I have is on this bed.”

 “Okay. I’ll just—“

 “Adora get in here,” Catra said.

 “But—“

 “If you stay on that couch I’m not going to be able to sleep because I’ll just be worried. And you’ll be too cold to sleep. Just get in here. It’s fine.” Adora did as she was told.

 “Thanks.”

 “Don’t mention it. Good night.”

 Adora was wide awake now. She stared at the ceiling and just tried to be cool. Sleep, she thought. Be cool. You’re just sleeping in your best friend’s bed. You and Glimmer have done this. Best friends sleep in the same bed sometimes, right? Yeah, totally. Nothing weird going on here. Just totally normal friend stuff. Eventually she started falling asleep, then felt Catra’s tail brush against her. “You awake?” Adora whispered. No answer. Adora needed to get some sleep for tomorrow, which was Christmas Eve. With Catra’s chin. With her laugh. She turned to face away, and not after long, fell asleep.

When Catra woke up the next morning, she could smell the bacon cooking. She smiled and moaned and burrowed a little more into her bed.

 “Good morning” she said. No answer. She opened her eyes and looked into the kitchen, where Adora was wearing a spaghetti strap tank top, plaid pajama pants, and earphones, dancing gently. She just watched as Adora cooked the bacon, and smiled. If heaven is on earth, it’s this: watching your…um…best friend cooking you both eggs and bacon while she thinks you’re asleep. Catra could still smell Adora’s shampoo on the opposite pillow. She took a whiff of it, and propped her head up with her arm as she continued to watch Adora go. Amidst this dancing, the wire of the earphones got caught on the handle of a pan and yanked the earphones out of her ears, and Adora saw Catra looking at her.

 “I promise this is not what it looks like.” Adora said.

 “What does it look like?”

 “A one woman dance party of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ on repeat.”

 “Then what is it?”

 “Um…a one woman dance party of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ on repeat…while making eggs and bacon.”

 “Nice.”

 “Bacon should be done in a minute.” Catra started to shift as though to get up. “Nope” Adora said, pointing the spatula threateningly at Catra. “You stay right there.”

 “Fine.” Catra laid back down and stared up at the ceiling and smiled.

 “By the way your pans fucking suck.”

 “Fuck you.”

 “No, I mean really, are these still the ones you were using freshman year of college?” Catra was silent. “Thought so.” Catra rolled her eyes, but couldn’t stop smiling.

 “Wait, I had eggs and bacon?”

 “Nope. I got them at the store.”

 Adora put the eggs and bacon onto two unmatched plates. “Um, Catra where are—“

 “The drawer right in front of you.” Adora opened the drawer.

 “Christ, Catra is this a junk drawer and your silverware drawer?”

 “In my house every drawer is a junk drawer.”

 “Thanks, I hate it.” After rifling through the drawer enough, she found two forks, put one on each plate and walked over to the bed. “Can I—um, can I sit with you?”

 “Yeah, nerd.” They sat and ate, looking at each other occasionally and smiling.

 Catra insisted on doing the dishes. Adora put on “It’s a Wonderful Life” and Catra started cleaning around the house because “I am not watching that fucking depressing movie” despite Adora’s pleads that it had “a happy ending, and I’ll lasso you the moon.” But every time she saw Adora on her couch, bundled up in the throw blanket, mouthing along with the movie, she couldn’t help but melt a little. Halfway through the movie Adora paused it to get up and make something she insisted on calling “pepcorn,” a term apparently invented by a YouTuber who was, for Adora “the one man on God’s green Earth I’d fuck.”

 Adora’s eyes were the color of the horizon. However cute Adora was before was only intensified by her wide eyed watching of this old depressing movie and her shoveling this “pepcorn” into her mouth. Catra, not having over two hours of things to do around the house ended up sitting on the couch with Adora, though looking at her phone, and only occasionally looking up to see Jimmy Stewart learning how shitty rich white dudes are.

 As the characters in the movie began to sing “Auld Lang Syne”, Adora hummed gently along and Catra couldn’t help but stare at her beautiful friend, so lost in this movie she loved. As Catra started tearing up Adora noticed she was being looked at.

 “What?”

 “You’re cute.” Catra said and immediately regretted. “Or whatever.”

 “You too.” Wait what? Catra thought. “You love this movie don’t you?”

 “Ugh, do not!”

 “Then why are you crying?”

 “I’m not crying, you’re crying!”

 “Yeah but at least I admit it’s because of this movie!”

 “Ugh, fine, yes, Jimmy Stewart’s masculine wiles entranced me,” Catra lied.

 “See? Was that so hard?” Adora said. Catra rolled her eyes. “So. What are we doing next? Another rewatch of this?”

 “Please, God, no.” There was a silence.

 “So…um…what if…” Adora said. “What if we made a gingerbread house?”

 “Do I even have the stuff for that?”

 “You do as of this morning.”

 “I do like gingerbread…”

 “So?” Adora said excitedly.

 “Okay, fine.”

 “Yesssssss.”

 Catra walked towards the kitchen, and Adora grabbed her laptop and did the same. “Okay so, I got us some mix but I thought it would be fun to make some icing.”

 “Adora, I don’t have—“

 “That’s why I got this!” Adora said, pulling an electric mixer from one of the grocery bags.

 “You did not buy me an electric mixer.” Catra said, flattered but feigning frustration.

 “Yeah, I grabbed it from the van.” Adora set the oven to preheat. “I’m going to give you as little work as possible.” Adora plugged the mixer in, and cracked egg whites and put in powdered sugar. “Okay just mix this.” She handed Catra the mixer and turned it on. Catra, too afraid to move an inch. Adora started her preparations for the gingerbread dough. After a minute she looked over at Catra frozen into place. “You can’t just—“ Adora grabbed Catra’s right hand with the mixer and started rotating it around the bowl. “You have to get the whole bowl.” Then she grabbed Catra’s other hand and guided it to gently turning the bowl. “Jusssst like that.” That moment felt like an eternity to Catra. She felt Adora’s hot breath gently on her neck and wished Adora would plant a kiss just beneath her jaw. Catra was surprised when she felt Adora’s chest against her back. When Adora had started taking hormones, she said Catra could see her boobs once they grew in, but as curious as Catra was, she knew she couldn’t ask now without giving herself away.

Adora let go and returned to her dough. Catra closed her eyes, and let her mind wander as she maintained the rote motion of mixing. She imagined Adora sweeping the counter with one motion and lifting Catra onto it, and leaving her very kissed. 

 “It looks good, by the way,” Adora said.

 “What?” She looked down at the bowl. “It looks noting like icing.”

 “No, your hair.” Adora said. “It looks great.”

 “You’ve seen it already!”

 “Yeah, but not in person.” What is going on? Catra asked herself. First she calls me cute, then she holds my hands, now she’s complimenting my hair? Does she—no, she can’t. Catra turned off the mixer. Adora looked over and catra dipped a finger into the icing and slowly brought it towards her mouth. Adora was staring intently at this point. Then Catra poked Adora’s nose with the iced finger and laughed. Adora scoffed and did the same to Catra.

 “Happy now?” Catra said. “Now we’re even.” She started to feel the fog of possibility at her feet. It felt undeniable that something was happening. So she stole a long glance at Adora who was staring, eyebrows furrowed, at the directions on the back of the box mix. She was so cute when she set her mind to something. She’d get so serious. Adora was so funny when she was serious.

 “So is it dinnertime?”

 “Catra, we just finished decorating the gingerbread house.”

 “And you’re not letting me eat any right now, so what do you want?”

 “Oh what you’re gonna cook?”

 “Oh, no, I was going to order delivery.”

 “It’s Christmas Eve!”

 “You have any better ideas?”

 “Actually, I do. When’s the last time you had steak?”

 “Holy shit, Adora. Are you gonna make us steaks?”

 “Yup,” Adora said with a big goofy grin. Catra let out a little squeal. “But…I’ve only made steak a few times so you’re not going to be shitty if it sucks.”

 “I would never—“ Adora gave her an exhausted look. “Okay, I guess I would, but I promise I won’t.”

 “Feelings on potatoes?”

 “Positive.”

 “Feelings on kale?”

 “What’s the opposite of positive?”

 “Chef Adora is vetoing your dislike of Kale.” Adora said. Catra scoffed “What, are you gonna cook this meal?”

 “No.”

 “Okay. Just chill and hopefully I’ll be ready in a bit. Do you have a sweater I could borrow? It’s cold in here.”

 “I have the perfect thing.” Catra pulled a comically oversized Christmas sweater her mom gave her. It was lined and cozy. She brought it to Adora and held it by the shoulders. Adora reached out to grab it. Catra shook her head.

 “Try again.” Adora looked down, embarrassed, and put an arm in each sleeve. “All right, turn around.” Catra reached the bottom of the zipper, and zipped it to the top, and looked at Adora’s face. I wish I was kissing you right now is what she wanted to say.

 “Thanks.” Adora started her preparations for dinner, and Catra sat at the counter with her laptop, pretending to work, but instead stealing every glimpse she could of this beautiful woman who was going to make her steak in her apartment on Christmas Eve. She doesn’t even realize how lucky I am, Catra thought. Even just knowing her is…a gift. Catra started to feel a pressure in her chest, a warmth in her throat. How was she going to not say it? How was she going to not explode? But she knew if she said something she could ruin everything. Adora was here, feet from her. What if then, Adora didn’t want to be friends with her anymore and she moved back to New Orleans? It would break Catra. It took so many conversation to get to this point, and she felt the impossibly delicate balance of it all. How easy it would be to topple a relationship built over the course of so many years. As much as she wanted to say something, the risk was too great.

 Aside from Adora occasionally muttering, lecturing Catra on the poor quality of her utensils, and the sound of a meal coming together. Catra had spent so many nights staring at the ceiling wishing for Adora’s presence, romantic or otherwise. And here Adora was. In Catra’s kitchen. She dreamed for a moment of Saturday mornings spent waking up beside Adora. Of lazy mornings spent in bed watching Gray’s Anatomy. Together. Holding each other. Exchanging a kiss every now and again.

 Anyway, dinner was ready now. Maybe Catra just needed some food. Maybe that would snap her out of it.

 “Adora, this is…”

 “I know, okay? I’ve made steak like twice okay?”

 “No, Adora, this is amazing.”

 “Oh. Well, let’s wait until you taste it to say that.” Catra took a bite of the steak and moaned. Adora blushed. Wait why did that make Adora blush? “Okay you don’t need to oversell it.”

 “I’m not, I swear. It’s that good. Is yours not good?”

 “Mine’s…fine.” Catra cut a piece of steak and brought it towards Adora’s face. “You want me to…?”

 “Try it. Mine’s so good.” Adora slowly bit the steak and pulled it off the fork, making eye contact with Catra as she did it. This was exactly what she had hoped for in doing that, and now her whole body felt like it was on fire. Catra looked wide-eyed down at her food, just processing how badly she wanted to pounce on Adora and cover her head to toe in kisses. Catra went through the motions of eating, still staring down at her food, just trying to to manage the electricity pulsing through her body.

 “You okay?” Adora said. Catra’s ears and head perked up.

 “Oh. um, yes. Definitely yes. This is so so good. These potatoes? Unreal.”

 “Thanks, I make them a lot. They’ve got duck fat.”

 “Duck fat? That’s a thing?”

 “Yes, it’s a thing.” Adora said. “I notice you haven’t touched your greens though.” Catra gave a weak smile, and cautiously took a small bit of the orange dressed kale. It was…

 “Oh my god” Catra said with her mouth full. “Adora, that is so good.” Catra started shoveling it down and Adora chuckled. It was delicious, but even if it had been awful, Catra would keep shoveling it down as long as Adora was laughing.

 After Catra was done shoveling down all her delicious food, she began to do the dishes, Adora now sitting at the counter across from her, looking at her computer at apartment listings. Catra stole every glance she could. Her nose. Focus. She had to stop staring at her best friend. Her neck. Ah yes, dishes. Her ears. The way she blinked. The way her eyes would fixate on a random spot when she was thinking. Adora looked up from her computer and Catra jerked her head down towards the dishes.

 “You wanna watch a movie after this?” Adora asked.

 “Sure, what do you wanna watch?”

 “I was just wondering what your favorite Christmas movies are.”

 “Does Die Hard count?” Catra asked, half joking. Adora groaned.

 “Ugh, I guess.”

 “Wait, really?”

Halfway through their viewing of Die Hard, Adora’s phone started to buzz for a video chat. She pulled it out and laid down, placing her head in Catra’s lap.

 “Heyyyyyyy” Glimmer said.

 “Oh hiya there” Adora said, in a funny voice.

 “So…” Bow said. “How’s it going?”

 “Y’know,” Catra said, and Adora pointed the camera at her “It was going fine until you two interrupted.”

 “Oh yeah, I want to know what the lovebirds were up to.”

 “Glimmer!” Bow shouted.

 “Anyway,” Adora said, and Catra realized there was probably a reason Adora was steering away from this conversation. She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to say anything. Well, on the bright side at least Glimmer could sense what Catra was sensing. Catra opened her eyes and looked down at Adora, her cheeks, her eyebrows. Well, she may not get Adora, but at least she’ll get to keep those cheeks in her life. Catra couldn’t even be bothered to be listening to whatever they were saying. She just wanted to run her fingers through Adora’s hair. To trace circles on her shoulder and hear Adora talk about…whatever…

 “That’s Catra’s favorite movie?” Catra heard Glimmer’s voice say through Adora’s phone.

 “What is?” Catra said.

 “Don’t pay too much attention” Adora said.

 “Oh shut up.” Catra said. “What is?”

 “Die Hard.”

 “It’s not. I mean, it’s probably my favorite Christmas movie, but not my all-time favorite.”

 “Of course it’s your favorite Christmas movie” Glimmer said.

 “Oh what like yours is better?” Catra said.

 “Mine is Muppets Christmas Carol.” Glimmer said.

 “Shit. Actually that movie is really good. Well done, Sparkles.” Catra said. Glimmer smiled. “What about you, Bow?”

 “The Holiday, obviously.” Bow said.

 “The Cameron Diaz movie?” Catra said.

 “Everyone in that movie is hot!” Bow said.

 “Whatever you say.” Catra said. There was a moment of silence.

 “Isn’t Jack Black in that movie?” Adora said. Another moment of quiet. “Oh my god, Bow do you think Jack Black is hot?”

 “No comment.” Bow said. The rest of them laughed.

 “Anyway, we should go. This Die isn’t gonna Hard itself” Adora said.

 “What does that even—“ Catra said.

 “Thanks so much for calling though I miss y’all.” Adora said.

 “We miss you too!” Bow said. 

 “Byyeeeeeeeee” Adora said, hanging up. Adora snuggled a little more against Catra. Catra was ready to combust into flames for how this made her feel. Adora’s head in her lap. Nestled. “So you gonna put it back on or…”

 “Oh, right, yeah.” Catra pressed play, but there was nothing Bruce Willis could do that would take her mind off of Adora’s head in her lap. Sure, her eyes were on the screen, but the rest of her was repressing screams of excitement and desire. Before she knew it the credits were rolling and Adora yawned. Adora was so cute when she yawned. God, she was so cute when she did anything.

“You wanna sleep with me?” Catra said, and immediately realized what that sounded like. “As in, not on the couch, not…obviously not…” Adora gave a halfhearted chuckle.

“Yeah I think I would be an icicle in the morning. Is that okay?”

 “Why do you think I offered it?”

“Okay.” The two got ready for bed and got under Catra’s big blanket.

“Good night Adora.” Catra said. This way Adora wouldn’t start a long conversation. There was already too much in her day to think about. Adora calling her cute, all that stuff about the gingerbread house. The longer Catra talked the more she knew she would have to keep up the idea that she was happy just remaining friends. So tomorrow, she wouldn’t do anything flirty. She couldn’t afford to risk losing Adora.

She tried to sleep. But she couldn’t help but feel the faint warmth of Adora’s body beside her, and just relish in it. God, if only it could always be winter. If only it was always bedtime. If only Adora could stay here with her in bed forever. But knowing that this couldn’t last forever, she tried to just be present, and feel it, and love the feeling that their arms may accidentally brush up against each other in the night. That they could wake up folded around one another.

“Catra?” Adora said in a small voice. Catra rolled over to find Adora looking emotional, staring at the ceiling.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I just…I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For being really creepy growing up.”

“What?”

“Catra I had a huge crush on you after you came out.” Had. Past tense. She had an opportunity, and she missed it. And now Adora was in her bed, with her beautiful hair, apologizing.

“You had a crush on me?” The second Catra said it, she heard the splinters in her voice.

“Oh my god, yes. And you just, the more out you were, the more I liked you. I mean, now I know part of that’s because I was a lesbian…and a girl.” What was the other part, Adora? “I just…I didn’t know what I was looking for and I remember a few times where I kept asking what it was like to be a girl kissing a girl…I…asked Lonnie what kissing you was like.”

“Adora!” Catra was going to have to put her heartbreak aside. That was okay, Adora was out of Catra’s league anyway. This was expected, but it still stung knowing with certainty that if her timing had been better, she may have dated the most incredible woman in the world. Somehow even though she always knew this was going to be the outcome, the absoluteness of it broke her. She would soldier on. She’d be the best best friend in the world, if it killed her.

“I know.”

“She never told me! You never told me!”

“Well…you broke up like two days later so it didn’t seem the time to bring up how I asked your freshly broken up with girlfriend if it was nice to kiss you.”

“This tracks, actually. When she broke up with me she said I had shit to figure out with you.”

“Oh god, I’m sorry.”

“What? No. She was right, I did.”

“You did?” Adora asked.

“Yeah. I was spending more time with you than with Lonnie. She wanted to be a priority and I cared about you more.” That sounds gay, try that again, Catra thought. “Nobody is ever going to come before you.” Way to go, that’s even gayer.

“That’s what she said.” Adora said, laughing at her own joke. She sighed ruefully, and returned to a concerned face. “I’m just sorry.”

“About what?”

“Being creepy.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, there’s nothing to be sorry about. Plus, you think I’d still be friends with you if you were creepy? You think I’d let you in my bed if you were creepy?”

“…I guess not.”

“That shit was ages ago, Adora. Even if I was hurt by it, which I wasn’t, it doesn’t matter.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Sorry you lost out on your great love.”

“What?” Catra began to panic. She was tired, did she accidentally tell Adora how she felt?

“With Lonnie.”

“Oh…” Catra smiled, relieved. “I think Lonnie was smart to end it there. She helped us both dodge a bullet. That wouldn’t have ended well.” Catra looked back at Adora, who looked lost in her own thoughts again. “Adora,” Catra said, touching Adora’s ridiculously soft shoulder. Was Adora’s skin always this soft? “You’re not a creep. Creeps suck. You absolutely categorically don’t suck.”

“Yeah. Thanks. I needed to hear that.” Adora looked at the ceiling, wistfully. “Where would I be without you?” Catra almost made a self deprecating comment. “Lost. I’d be lost.” Catra focused very hard on her breathing. When she felt overwhelmed or confused, or heartbroken, she had learned to focus on her breathing. “And it’s going to be Christmas tomorrow! I can’t wait til you see what I got you!…I mean, what Santa Brought you.” Adora turned to Catra and smiled, and Catra was not immune to Adora’s smile and returned the favor in kind. “Good night, Catra.”

“Good night, Adora.”

Somehow everything Catra did seemed to make her feelings more intense. She could go on dates, she could have her heart broken. She could find out that Adora once had feelings for her. And everything, in its own way, pulled her heart towards Adora. What was the use of resisting? Catra was done lying. Catra was in love with Adora. And had always been in love with Adora. As the relief of releasing and letting the waves of it crash onto her, Catra sunk into sleep.

____________________________________

The apartment was still dark, and there was a stillness all around. Something felt hot. Adora was sweating. It was like something was on top of her. She opened her eyes to a squint and saw Catra was spooning her. Well, it certainly was Christmas. This was the only gift she needed. Adora shut her eyes, and let herself feel Catra’s warm body against hers. She tried to make a note of this. Of how it felt. Because when they were both awake, Catra was going to pretend this didn’t happen and then it would never happen again. So Adora felt and listened for little purring, the brushing of fur against her skin, the embrace of the woman she loved. And there, in that slightly too warm paradise, Adora fell back to sleep.

When Adora awoke again, Catra was still pressed against her. Adora smiled a big goofy grin she was happy Catra couldn’t see. She would have been teased for it. Wait, had Catra really said nobody came before her? Adora guessed that made sense, it had always been true for Adora, but then again, Adora had been in love with Catra since the beginning. Adora opened her eyes to the bright room, and to the windows where it was SNOWING!

“Oh my god” Adora whispered to herself loud enough so she wouldn’t wake Catra.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Catra said, not moving an inch. “The first time I saw it I lost my mind.” Adora wanted to be present in this conversation about seeing snow in real life for the first time, but she was so shocked by the idea that Catra was awake and spooning her. “Good morning. I can’t believe your first Christmas here and you already got a white Christmas.”

“What do you mean?”

“Every time it snows it’s this huge hassle. Like it looks pretty, but it just makes doing literally everything outside the house so much harder. So you slowly unlearn the magic of snow because all it makes you think about is how hard it’s gonna be to get around and go to work and stuff.” Catra said. “The one exception is Christmas. I didn’t get a white Christmas til I was here for three years! And you, first day? Typical Adora luck.” Adora watched the snow falling faintly through Chicago and faintly falling. And felt Catra against her. She turned her head to Catra, who was staring at the snow with her head propped up by her non-spooning arm. Adora tried to take it all in before Catra made her stop. Her cute ears, her endless eyes, her warm lips. Catra brought her head down, and Adora took this as her cue to pretend she was stretching and looking at the ceiling.

“Merry Christmas, by the way.” Catra said, raising her head toward the window again.

“Merry Christmas! Oh my god I'm so excited to give you my gift!”

“I’m honestly pretty nervous about mine.”

“Shut up, you’re gonna be fine. As long as it’s from you I’m gonna love it.”

“But what if yours is so much better than mine?”

“It won’t be!” Adora said, facing Catra again. “Should you go first or should I?”

“I don’t want to have to follow whatever you have going on, so I’ll go first.” Catra said. Catra went to the tree, picked the gift up. “Hey our gifts are like the same size,” Catra said as she returned to bed. “You’re gonna wanna sit up. It’s not a million pounds, but it’s not light either.” Adora sat up, and the glow of the snowy scene behind Catra made her look angelic. Catra then went around and sat on her side of the bed.

Adora opened her gift like a kid. It was a nondescript cardboard box.

“Do you have a boxcutter?” Adora said.

“Sure do.” Catra said, extended her claws and cut the tape apart.

“Thanks,” Adora said. Inside were two large pieces of styrofoam in the shape of the box. She took the styrofoam apart, and inside was a motorcycle helmet. It had a golden tiara with a ruby. The rest was long flowing blonde hair. Adora was overwhelmed. She pinched the bridge of her nose.

“So that we can ride together. Y’know? Like we’d always said? And the hair was you and the Tiara is bc you’re a princess…” Catra said.

“I…love it.” Adora chuckled. “It’s so…” Adora sucked in her lips, and shook her head, hoping that if she told the tears not to come, then they wouldn’t. Was she supposed to be on the back of Catra’s motorcycle holding Catra tight and not be madly in love with Catra? And would Catra…Adora leapt out of bed, and picked up the perfectly wrapped box. She looked over at Catra’s, Adora practically ran back to the bed, and handed Catra the gift. Adora sat back down, exhaled deeply, wiped her eyes, and smiled.

“Did you wrap this?” Catra asked.

“Yep.”

“When did you suddenly get amazing at gift wrapping?”

“Early this year.”

“Lotta birthdays or something?”

Adora looked away, embarrassed. “It’s a gender thing.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Catra said.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know but that sucks.”

“Well, at least now I can wrap a gift!” Adora said, cheerfully. “Now open it.”

“Is it precious? Can I claw?”

“Be my guest.” Adora said. Catra slowly ran a claw over the top of the wrapped cube as the wrapping paper elegantly tore. Catra never did anything that didn’t look divine to Adora. So she watched Catra’s face, as she delighted in getting to use her claws. Before she knew it, the wrapping paper was off, and all that was left was a box. “Open it!” Catra opened the box. She pulled out styrofoam casing and pulled that apart.

It was a motorcycle helmet with ears built in.

“You always hate how your helmet folds down your ears so…” Catra began laughing. Or crying. Adora couldn’t tell exactly. 

“God we’re so gay.” Catra said. It was both. It was definitely both. Adora began to laugh too. And cry. “How did we both get each other the same gift?”

“Gay” Adora said. Between sobbing laughs. “We’re gay. Only gay people would do this.”

Adora didn’t know what Catra was crying about, but Adora knew that despite how much they understood each other she was crying for the things that would never be. The road trips on the back of Catra’s motorcycle, the kisses before work, the wee hours spent talking in the red of night…

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” Catra said, laugh sobbing. She put the helmet aside, and reached across the bed and hugged Adora. Adora, after a moment of initial shock hugged back, and felt a light purr coming from Catra. Catra pulled away and the two looked into each other’s eyes for a moment. Every moment Adora spent with Catra, Adora was finding new ways to fall in love with her. It was becoming unbearable, but someone like Catra would never love her. What would be the use in saying something for it to just make things messy? The risk was losing the friendship, and the best possible reward Adora could imagine was Catra being sweet and then pretending it never happened. But what if Catra laughed? Or made fun of her? Or just said “I know”? What if Catra was so weirded out that they slowly fell apart?

“Adora?” Catra said, grounding back to reality. And reality was looking into Catra’s eyes. And knowing that she would always love Catra, at whatever distance Catra allowed.

“What?”

“Did you hear my question?”

“Would you believe me if I said yes?”

“No.”

“Then yes.”

“What was my question then?”

“Was it…’Adora do you want to go frolic in the snow?’”

“Frolic?”

“Maybe it was ‘Adora, do you want to play in the snow?’”

“It really wasn’t but…ugh…” Catra rolled her eyes and in a reluctant and mocking tone said “Adora, do you want to go frolic in the snow?”

_________________________________________

“That. Was. AMAZING!” Adora said, following Catra back into the apartment. Catra seemed a little less enthused.

“No more snowball fights.”

“You mean today?”

“I mean ever.”

“Aww.” Adora took this a little harder than she should have. But in Adora’s defense, Catra was  incredibly competitive while being so helplessly bad at making snowballs. These were the first ones she’d ever made and they were better than Catra’s. As a side note, Catra was also wildly cute when she was hit by a snowball.

The women took their winter gear off, and Adora went to the kitchen to start putting together the ingredients to make them both hot cocoa. Catra put on some heavy metal. Adora rolled her eyes towards Catra.

“It’s Christmas day. Can’t heavy metal wait til tomorrow?”

“It isn’t heavy metal, it’s prog rock!”

“Can’t prog rock wait til tomorrow?”

“Ugh, fine. Do I have to put your playlist on?”

“Would it kill you?”

“I guess not, but I am skipping Mariah Carey every chance I get.”

“Fine.” Catra said, annoyed but smiling nonetheless. Destiny’s Child began to play “Oh shit!” Catra began dancing. “On the eighth day of Christmas my baby gave to me…”

“A pair of Chloe shades and a diamond belly ring.” Adora said, not facing Catra, who had danced her way into the kitchen.

“You gonna join me or what?”

“Okay, but I have to keep an eye on the milk.”

The two danced and sang. Passionately. Smiling. Adora didn’t want to be thinking about how she wished Catra was closer, or how she wished they were kissing. So Adora got closer and closer, and as Destiny’s Child asked if it felt like Christmas for the last time, Catra pulled Adora in. The gesture yanked all the air out of Adora’s lungs as her eyes widened. Catra’s eyes were impossibly beautiful. Catra was impossibly beautiful. The feeling of Catra’s body against hers…Adora was trying not to cry. This incredible woman, every little thing about her. There was nothing she didn’t love.

“Chestnuts roasting…” Nat King Cole sang. “On an open fire…”

The women began to sway, instinctively. Catra put her arms around Adora. What was happening? Oh gosh, Catra probably just thinks Adora can handle being touched and held. Well, Adora certainly sent the “yes touching” signal yesterday making the gingerbread house. It was so enthralling to touch Catra and she could swear she’d heard a little purr. And here, swaying to Nat King Cole, the purring from Catra was undeniable.

Catra blinked slowly, (seductively???) and a grin blossomed on Catra’s face. Adora tried to hold Catra’s gaze as long as she could but she knew if she held it any longer she’d say something she would end up regretting. She looked for something else to focus on, and saw the saucepan with the milk, and realized she needed to check on it.

Adora broke the embrace, and pulled the saucepan off the burner. It was boiling which meant it curdled. The apartment filled with a thick silence that Nat King Cole couldn’t pierce. Adora turned to see Catra looking down, with her arms folded. 

“I—“ Adora said. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Catra said, sounding no less dejected than she looked.

“For um…” Adora said. Adora didn’t know how to respond to this. Her real answer was For breaking that romantic moment, but she knew that would have been way too much. “Ruining the hot chocolate.”

“It’s fine,” Catra said, in a tone that conveyed the opposite. “I have some packets.”

“Where?” Adora asked. Catra passed Adora to open a cabinet, and pull two hot chocolate mixes from a box. Almost as if Adora weren’t there, Catra started putting the hot chocolates together. Getting the electric kettle going, pulling out mugs. “Okay.” Adora walked out of the kitchen and into the bathroom for a moment, where she let herself shed a few tears, but she tried to make it soundless. It was never going to happen. And the closest Adora ever felt like she got to telling herself Catra liked her in the same way? She cut it off to look at some boiling milk. And now Catra was clearly upset.

Adora raised her head to look in the mirror, and saw her eyes red with tears. She re-arranged her hair a little bit, took a sharp inhale through her nose, and left the bathroom. Catra had one mug in her hand, and one in front of an empty stool at her kitchen counter.

“You okay?” Catra asked, sounding concerned.

“Well, y’know, the thing with hormones is you never know, you’re always ready to cry.”

“Oh.” Catra said. She looked…disappointed? “Well, there’s a nice watery hot chocolate with your name all over it right here.”

“I’m sorry for ruining the milk.”

“It’s fine,” Catra said. Adora’s face didn’t change. “Seriously, don’t worry about it.”

Adora took a sip. It tasted like those chocolate protein shakes she used to drink, but hot.

“Good, right?” Catra said, half mocking.

“I know you love this and so I’m gonna learn to love it.” Adora said. Catra blushed.

“Sorry you didn’t get to make it your way, princess.” Catra said. There wasn’t a trace of teasing.

“I’m sorry I ended our slow dance…party.” Adora said, infinitely grateful that she thought of the word “party”.

“You’re a better dancer than you think you are.” Catra said, matter-of-factly. Adora blushed about as hard as possible. Catra probably could have been a famous dancer if her mom hadn’t forced her to study law instead.

“High praise coming from you” Adora said. “We can dance again, if you want.”

“That’s okay.” Catra said. “We had our little moment. It was nice.” There was a silence that finally felt like the energy was coming back. “What did she say?”

“Who?”

“Lonnie.”

“About what?”

“The um…” Catra trailed off. “The kissing.”

“Oh.” Adora said. “Good. She said it was good.”

“You never really know, do you?” Catra started. “When you’re dating someone, you can’t really tell if they think you’re a good kisser. It’s not like you’ll get a straight answer from the person you’re kissing.”

“Bow said I was a bad kisser.” Adora said under her breath.

“YOU KISSED BOW?”

“It was once, we were both drunk and I didn’t know I was…I just knew I…Doesn’t matter. What matters is he was safe.”

“AND HE TOLD YOU YOU WERE A BAD KISSER?”

“That makes him sound mean.”

“I’m gonna kill him.”

“Please don’t. He’s my only friend that’s a guy.”

“Fine, but you make one more guy friend and Bow is getting it.”

“But maybe Bow’s the bad kisser. Glimmer’s a great kisser and Bow asked me once how to deal with the fact that Glimmer was a bad kisser.”

“YOU KISSED GLIMMER?”

“Many times. Sometimes even in front of you! Do you have no memory? Even you’ve kissed Glimmer!”

“Oh yeah. She is a good kisser.”

“Right?”

“Totally.” Catra said. “Well, lucky Glimmer, she’s kissed all of us.”

“What, you’re jealous she kissed Bow?” Adora said, with a mischievous smirk.

“Not really.” Catra said. What did that mean? Anyway, is there anything else you want to be doing on Christmas? Any other Christmas needs?”

“A Christmas kiss would be nice.” Adora said, ruefully.

“I wish I could help you with that one. I’m not sure we can ever find anyone that’s worthy of you—“

“That’s one way to put it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not exactly in high demand.”

“I mean, okay first of all, that’s just a flat out lie. I can’t think of one of our friends who didn’t have at least a little crush on you at some point.”

“Okay, sure.” Adora said, sardonically.

“Even Mermista! Mermista almost asked you out at one point.”

“That can’t…that can’t be true.”

“It is true. Adora, look at me.” Catra said. Adora looked up at Catra. Her jaw, the curve of her nose. “Trust me, all of your friends have or had crushes on you. It’s obvious why. You’re stubborn. You understand trigonometry but you would get lost on your way to the bathroom. Your handwriting is frustratingly perfect. You’d risk your life to save a speck of dust. I wouldn’t trust anyone who didn’t fall in love with you. I wouldn’t trust anyone that wouldn’t want to spend the rest of their life waking up next to you. Pushing your hair out of your eyes, or arguing with you. Knowing that she loved you from the first day she met you. Reminding you, every day for the rest of your life…how lucky she is to be in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. Whoever that lucky lady ends up being, she has to know that. She has to know in her bones that you’re the best thing that’s ever going to happen to her. That feeling you have at Christmas? That will be that woman’s whole life. Every day spent knowing you. Every day spent loving you. A gift. A celebration. She better know that.”

“Catra, I appreciate your optimism, but nobody’s ever going to love me like that.”

“Yes they will.”

“You can’t possibly know that.”

“I do.”

“How?”

“Because I love you like that.” Catra said. “And if I can love you like a flower loves the sun…anyone can.” There was a silence in which Adora tried to put it all together. How it was even possible that Catra was saying what Adora thought she was saying. “Nothing needs to change though, I’ve always felt this way so I’m used to being the one who…”

“Me too.”

“What?” Now it was Catra’s turn to be confused.

“I’ve always…”

“Wait, you said you had a crush.”

“Yeah, and then I fell in love with you.”

“Jesus Christ, Adora.”

“It wasn’t a lie!”

“You’ve been in love with me since then?”

“But now that I think of it…whatever feeling that was when we met…it must have been love, because it feels the same. But you. Even before—”

“Yup.” Catra said.

“Me too. I just thought you’d never…I was…You knew me as…”

“The girl I was always going to be in love with.”

“Oh.” Adora said.

“Can I kiss you now?”

“Yes please.”

Catra jumped over the counter, and leaned back against it, facing Adora. As if in slow motion, Catra’s face approached Adora’s. Catra paused, her lips an inch from Adora’s. She could feel Catra’s breath. Adora couldn’t wait anymore and closed the gap. Their lips pressed together, and parted in sync. Catra’s lips were softer than they looked. Better than Adora had dreamed.

“How’s that for a Christmas kiss?”

“I don’t know,” Adora said. “I’d need at least one more to be sure.”