Chapter Text
Sunoo is different.
He feels it itch in the pit of his stomach. A sunny disposition masks it, of course it does, but he can't shake the weight of the uncertainty.
He feels like whenever he talks there are too many eyes on him. He's seen too many Western reality shows to know what the international onlookers compare him to.
Even the idea of becoming a stereotype suffocates him.
"Ddeonu," Sunghoon hums, "What do you think?"
Sunoo shakes out of his thoughts and glances over.
Sunghoon is handsome. He always has been, ever since Sunoo can remember. He'll never deny it that, for some reason, he felt compelled to be near him when they first met. And yeah, maybe it was because he was handsome. So what?
I-LAND was different. It was tense. Sunoo felt the tingle where their skin met, the rush of making him laugh.
He feels it less now. It doesn't make the memories any less jarring.
Sunghoon scrolls between 3 selfies. Sunoo hums and plucks the phone from his hands, examining each one carefully.
"Go with the second and third ones," He chirps, after some deliberation, "Your expressions are different, look. Sunghoon-hyung…" He flicks to the other photo, "… and Ddeonghoonie."
Sunghoon laughs gently and takes his phone back.
"Thanks, Sunoo-ya."
"No probs!"
Where their hands touch now, a gentle warmth spreads in his chest. There's nothing other than comfort, like sitting in front of a log fire, or roasting marshmallows beneath the stars.
Sunoo's glad for it. He wants to banish that crawling, electric feeling for the rest of his life.
-
Unfortunately, Sunoo is also a pushover.
He knew it when Niki tucked into bed beside him for the first time.
( Niki is his favourite. He doesn't like to play favourites, but he really is.
He feels like Niki knows it, too. He takes advantage too much to not know. )
"Niki-ya," Sunoo hums gently, turning to look over his shoulder. "I thought you were sleeping with Heeseung-hyung tonight?"
"I changed my mind."
"How come?"
Niki shrugs and Sunoo stifles a giggle.
"Well, who could blame you, Niki-ya," He sighs wistfully. "I'm one-of-a-kind, after all."
Niki scoffs and jabs a finger playfully into his side.
Sunoo yelps, and jumps out of his skin.
"Hey! Stop!"
"You deserved it."
"Nuh-uh."
Niki hums as he pulls the blankets up over his shoulders. He curls up and lies on his side, leaning into Sunoo's back.
Sunoo's skin alights. He clenches his eyes shut. It's not like it's uncomfortable, no, quite the opposite - it's just wrong. Immoral .
Skinship is fine, it's different, obviously. He carefully places it into its own section in his brain. But these terrible feelings; wanting to be held, to be kissed, to be … loved .
Sunoo pushes it down, like always. Emotional whack-a-mole.
It's worse when Niki wraps him up in his big arms. It's probably mindless to him - Niki just likes to hug; it's a comfort. Sunoo's heart jumps forward nonetheless.
He tries to forget about it. He focuses on the metronome of Niki's soft breathing, ignoring the heat resting crimson on his cheeks.
-
It's different when he sees other people doing it.
Jay and Heeseung have been friends - quote, unquote - for four years.
Sunoo's not stupid, and they're not subtle. He knows how to make himself known, and how to make himself invisible.
( It's been different between them since they ran off together that night. They haven't said anything to him yet. He must seem like a blabbermouth.
It's… not untrue . He just likes to gossip. There's nothing wrong with that. )
They're in the living room, on the couch. Heeseung is laying across Jay's lap, looking up at him as he plays his game. Sunoo's tucked up in the corner of the sofa on his phone, playing Candy Crush: Soda Saga. Jay suddenly whoops as he beats a boss, and he leans down to press a celebratory kiss to Heeseung's lips.
Sunoo blinks and shifts a little in his spot. They both jolt as they remember and look over at him. They're as shocked as he is.
"Sunoo-ya!" Jay sputters. His eyes are blown wide in something like fear. "It's not-"
( The fright in his eyes makes Sunoo want to crumple into a ball. It was only a kiss. A tiny kiss and it reduces him to this. The world is so cold. )
"Don't worry, Jay-hyung," Sunoo snickers. He taps the side of his nose impishly. "I didn't see anything."
Jay stares at him and breathes out slowly. He smiles shakily. "Thanks."
A moment of silence passes.
"Y'know, I don't care if you're … gay , hyungs." He whispers. A cheeky smile curls at his lips. "But maybe stop kissing in front of your precious dongsaeng ."
Heeseung laughs, grinning at him.
"I'm not gay ," Jay exclaims loudly. "He's an exception."
Heeseung rolls his eyes and flicks at his chest. "Way to make a guy feel special."
"Isn't Heeseungie-hyung a guy?" Sunoo prods. His tone is questioning. "Doesn't that make you gay?"
Jay blinks at him. "I don't know. Does it?"
Sunoo doesn't really know how to respond.
"I always figured you were gay, Sunoo-ya." Heeseung hums. "No offense, obviously."
The words make something curl in his chest. He can't tell if it's a good feeling. It definitely alights something in him; an anxious sort of feeling, like before you go out on stage, or when you get test results back.
He laughs softly, glancing back to his game. "I get that a lot."
-
The idea that he's the only son his parents will ever have always pains him.
It strikes him between the ribs. He holes himself into the bathroom and speaks to his sister on the phone.
"Noona," He murmurs, mid-conversation, "Is it okay to not want a … a normal partner?"
"Eh?" She laughs, "What are you talking about?"
He explains. Oldest sons and their wives and their children. The bloodline. Culture. He's sure it feels rushed to her, but the words just keep coming, an avalanche of feelings stuffed desperately into his chest.
"Sunoo," She soothes, gentle, "You know, things aren't always like that anymore, right? We're so proud of you already."
She feels so, so far away. Sunoo cries quietly, and she comforts. He yearns to collapse in her arms.
-
He cries until his throat is raw and his face aches with numbness. He hangs up on his sister.
( "Sunoo, we'll always love you. You know that, right? No matter what."
"Really?"
"Don't be silly. Of course. Now, go and relax, I'm watching a show! ")
He sits on the toilet seat and presses his palms into his eyes.
There's a gentle rap on the door. "Sunoo-hyung?"
He startles and goes to splash water on his red face. "Coming, sorry!"
He opens the door to Jungwon.
"Hyung," He frowns, eyes crinkling with concern, "Do you want to talk to me about it?"
Sunoo's throat clenches and he looks down to hide his eyes tearing up. He nods.
-
Jungwon holds his hand as he leads him into their bedroom. They sit down on his bed and Sunoo cries.
"Here, hyung," Jungwon opens his arms. "It's okay. I'm here."
He melts into him.
Their leader. Small but powerful in the best way.
"You know, I don't talk about my feelings a lot," Jungwon hums, "But I think you should find someone to confide in, hyung, right?"
Sunoo nods and sniffles into his shoulder.
"It's hard," He says, thinking as he does, "Coming here after so long with no change. It's a big leap. We all understand, Sunoo-hyung."
"I just feel … " Sunoo whispers, "So strange."
Jungwon is quiet. He draws abstract shapes into Sunoo's back. It warms him to the core, a fuzzy feeling that reminds him so much of his sister, it almost unsettles him.
"We're all a bit strange," Jungwon whispers back, like it's their secret, "I think that's what makes us a family."
( And as he rests his head against Jungwon's shoulder, heart beating slowly, Sunoo thinks so, too .)