Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bow before me, future minions! It is I: Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius (formally Evil BOY Genius)! I also accept Prince of Darkness, Tsar of Destruction, King of Taunts, and Master of Evil as alternative titles~

Unless you've been living under a rock, it's likely you've already heard of my infamous name. I am pretty well-known in the major villain circles after all. As for my life's goals, it's standard affair really: I want to rule the world with an iron fist and look stylish while doing it. But first, tragic backstory time! When did I come to realize my dream of establishing a new world order, I hear you asking? Well, I had my not-so-humble beginnings in Second Grade on Career Day. Ahh, I remember it like it was only yesterday…

You see, I was never interested in any of the normal, boring jobs being presented at my school that day. Not like I could pursue any of them anyhow; Mom and Dad were setting me up to take on the family business since before I was even a zygote. But even at a young age I wanted to forge my own path, do something nobody else had ever accomplished, something unique. So, when I got called up in front of the class to say what I wanted to be when I grew up, I proudly declared that I wanted to be THE RULER OF THE EARTH, BABY!

My classmates only responded with laughter. And the teacher gave me detention. Easily the second most humiliating day of my life.

As you can probably infer, I was never what you'd call "popular" despite my wealthy background. My assumption is not too many kids wanted to hang out with a guy that looked like the living dead. It wasn't my fault I was born an albino with dark red eyes and bright red hair for some weird reason. Yeah, don't waste your breath asking me how that's scientifically possible. I may be a genius but I'm not omniscient. What's even more puzzling about that is my family's never had a history with albinism to begin with. So I guess I was just unlucky enough to get it by sheer chance.

Turns out, having a bizarre genetic disorder tends to put some people off. Crazy, I know. But in the end, I say screw 'em! It's not like I ever needed those losers to be happy! I had TV and video games to keep me company!

So yeah, I had ways of distracting myself from the crippling loneliness. Besides, I wouldn't be half the man I am today without those two things in my life. Whenever I was watching a cartoon or kicking butt in a video game, I always felt this special connection with the villains. Not only did they have the coolest designs, but they also had the most depth and relatability. Society always gave them the short end of the stick so, in response, they would fight back against the system to rise to the top where they belonged (bonus points if they considered themselves men or women of science)!

It wasn't uncommon to hear me boo at the lame-o heroes whenever they showed up to thwart the villains' master plans. Killjoys.

Something else I've always had an interest in was anything that featured robots in some capacity. Things like Star Wars, Fallout, Portal, Sonic, the first two Terminators, etc. Heck, even Battle for Bikini Bottom, a licensed SPONGEBOB game, had some pretty cool robot models. Stuff like that is what ultimately inspired me to study up on robotics, which gave rise to my very own personalized army of JackBots!

Never underestimate the influential power of entertainment media, kids. It might inspire you to become a supervillain one day too!

Yup, it was just me hanging out with my loyal robot servants…oh, and occasionally my folks too I guess. As the two CEOs of Spicer Industries (the world's most untouchable, multinational conglomerate next to Disney), they would often be away on business trips. It...kinda sucked, I won't lie. But hey, at least being the son of neglectful yet wealthy parents meant I got to make bank on a whole lotta guilt money!

Anyway, I guess after years of flying in a never-ending loop of business trips, they figured it would be more convenient to live "closer to work" so to speak. As such, we said goodbye to America and moved to where Spicer Industries' HQ was located: China. Have I already mentioned how I come from a long line of shady businessmen and women? I may not care much about inheriting the family business, but I am proud of where I get my underhanded traits from.

Even though my reputation didn't improve by being the only albino exchange student in a Chinese school, at least the new mansion we were living in had a sweet basement to convert into my own evil lair! Besides, school was overrated for the naturally gifted like myself. Showing up to class just became a formality after a while. The only reason I mostly bothered to even attend was to avoid government intervention, and that gets messy when moving to different countries. It was best to abide by the current powers in place before I replace them all with my own evil government. 

With a brand-new lab and an ever-growing legion of mechanical soldiers, it seemed like the perfect time to begin my plans for world domination!

…

But then I just had to open a stupid puzzle box and let out a fifteen-hundred-year-old spirit that sweet talked me into collecting magical artifacts called Shen Gong Wu. That sounded rad at first, but she never said anything about having to fight crazy monk warriors with powers over the four elements! Would've been nice to know that little tidbit from the start, hovering old hag!

I digress. What I'm trying to say is, that basically became my life for the next...three years? Ugh, time flies yet it also doesn't go by fast enough. This global treasure hunt I went on ended up being little more than a juggling act between gaining Wu and losing Wu. What started as a potential boon to my evil career became a hinderance as I kept taking two steps back for every one step forward. The writing was on the wall, I needed an escape. Something to get me out of this ancient feud I had unknowingly gotten myself dragged into.

Well...who knew my ticket out would come in the form of my death?

I woke up on my own as my bladder let me know nature was giving me a call. The heavy, dark drapes blocked any sunlight from creeping into my room to harm my albino skin. Checking the AlarmBot I hadn’t the heart to dismantle on my nightstand, I saw that it wasn't set to wake me up today. I couldn’t help but smile to myself at that. Not being forced to get up at a predetermined time could only mean one thing: it was finally the weekend!

When I wasn’t sitting around in the mind-rotting prison that people call school, I was usually getting beaten up by the Xiaolin Losers over Shen Gong Wu during the weekday (sometimes even during school hours where I would have to skip class because my sensors picked up a newly activated Wu). That wasn’t to say duty never called during the weekend of course, but it didn’t happen nearly as often as I anticipated. Which is good because Saturdays and Sundays were typically when I would rebuild my robots and have some much needed downtime. And since most of the JackBots were still perfectly functional, that meant it was Jack Time, baby!

Slipping out of bed, I lazily trudged into my bathroom to relieve myself. After washing my hands but skipping out on brushing my teeth, I made my way downstairs as I planned out my Saturday in my head. First, I was gonna rewatch some of my favorite shows while snacking on some cereal. Then, I was gonna lock myself in my master bedroom and browse through my extensive video game library. And to cap things off, I’ll camp inside my theater room and host a sci-fi movie marathon for the JackBots as we all make witty commentary throughout each film!

Unlike some evil masters, I actually maintained a mutually respectful relationship with my minions. Aside from wanting to stay on their good side in case of a robot uprising unrelated to my schemes, they really were the only things I could truly consider friends. I grew up with each and every one that I built and upgraded. In some ways, we were a big evil family looking out for each other.

Which is more than I can say for my actual family that’s supposed to be home right now…

Woah, alright, settle down now, Spicer. Today isn’t the day for expressing parental angst. Today is the day to unwind from a stressful week and to have some fun again!

And I would need it too. It was only a week ago that I made a big decision to cut off all ties with someone I once highly respected: Chase Young. An immortal Chinese warlord and ex-Xiaolin Monk, Chase was an evildoer’s evildoer. After being seduced to the dark side by the Heylin demon, Hannibal Roy Bean, he made a name for himself throughout human history. Challenging great warriors and adding them to his cursed jungle cat army, Chase easily became one of my all-time evil heroes the day I learned about him on “Villain’s Weekly”.

However…I had an epiphany a while back in regards to the shapeshifting lizardman. After all the threats, insults, beatings, and time spent serving under him as his pity apprentice, I finally pulled my head out of the clouds and realized something. Something I admittedly should’ve come to accept long ago but couldn’t out of denial and infatuation:

Chase is a big fat jerk.

I get that's somewhat par for the course in the race for world domination, but that still shouldn’t be an excuse for poor evil sportsmanship! I worshipped that man as my idol. I aspired to be just like him one day. Whenever he would drop by unannounced to observe a Xiaolin Showdown, I would push past my limit in a heated moment of passion for him and him alone.

There was once a time where I could shyly but proudly admit that, yes, I had a crush on Chase. I mean, how could I not? He single-handedly made being evil sexy as all get out (when he was in his human form that is)! But I know better now. He's always been nothing more than a mere playground bully who just so happens to be immortal. With all the disparaging remarks aimed at me and an ego that could rival Omi’s, I’m surprised I managed to overlook it for as long as I did.

So that's why I paid a little visit to Chase's crib last week. I swallowed my fears, grew a pair, and finally called him out on all his crap. It wasn't till halfway through my stammered monologue that I began to really get into it, down to the point where I was straight-up ranting my heart out. Three years' worth of repressed frustration came out all at once, and I didn't go easy on him, even as he sat idly on his throne and allowed me to speak without interruption.

Shockingly, Chase actually complimented me on my bravery after all was said and done. However, that wasn't enough to spare me from the wrath of his jungle cat warriors. Needless to say, I lost his number shortly after I crawled my way back home.

I shook my head, just realizing that not only was I making a huge mess in the kitchen by overflowing the bowl with milk, but that I hadn’t even put the cereal in first like a civilized human. Guess thinking about former crushes will do that to a man.

“Ugh, great...Cleanup on Aisle 6!”

As a nearby JackBot heard the call and came in to suck up the spilled milk with a vacuum hose, I went ahead and made myself another bowl of Lucky Charms. I should’ve figured that a week wasn’t enough to magically get over a crush, even one as one-sided as mine. It had taken a lot of tissues and a lot of ice cream to pull myself together in the first two days alone. But after plenty of love and support from my robo-bros (my “robros” if you will), I was able to get past the worst of the…breakup? I don’t think it counts as a breakup if we were never an item to begin with. Either way, I was still coming hot off the heels from a toxic relationship and needed more distractions.

Case in point: Saturday morning cartoons.

After some careful consideration, I decided to put on some random episodes of Teen Titans. Despite always rooting for the bad guys both in fiction and in reality, I had to begrudgingly admit, the superhero protagonists in this show were kind of endearing. I’ve caught myself being drawn to their interpersonal drama at times, being a fellow teen myself. Their lineup of villains was pretty solid too, even if they were nowhere near the level of prestige as Batman’s rouges’ gallery (Slade excluded). I could honestly see myself chatting it up with Control Freak despite him representing the harmful stereotype of pop culture obsessed geeks being fat.

Plopping myself down on the couch, I dug into my cereal and let the show take me away. It was the little things in life that keep you going. This is no doubt what I would be doing even after I conquer the world, what I was fighting for almost. And no one could take it away from me…

“JACK!”

Ugh, except maybe her.

Stomping up from my evil lair and barging into my living room was none other than the Heylin witch, Wuya, in all her fleshy glory. It wasn’t the first time she had reclaimed her living form since becoming a ghost but it was still taking some getting used to. To me, she would always be that nagging, shrill, purple gas blob with a clown mask at her core.

I wasn’t even sure how or when she got her human body back. Must’ve been sometime after she abandoned me for…Chase…when he briefly took over the world last year. Great, as if I wasn’t already annoyed enough right now, I go and remind myself of where that jerk succeeded whereas I failed.

“Wuyaaaaa! Whaaaaat!?” I moaned while finishing my bite of Lucky Charms. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of my Saturday morning cartoon binge?”

After fully making her way into my living, the Heylin witch glanced over at the VCR clock. “’Morning’? It’s already past noon, you lazy child! You’ve wasted half of the day sleeping and you’re only NOW getting breakfast!?”

“Uh, yeah? You should know by now that I need my twelve hours of shut-eye before I can properly tackle the day,” I explained yet again while taking another bite of my cereal. “Which is why one of the first things I plan to do as Evil Emperor of Darkness is extend the morning hours to accommodate night owls. Honestly, society expecting us to be up at six in the morning is its own form of tyranny.”

Wuya cringed. “Don’t talk with your mouth full. It’s disgusting.”

That’s rich coming from the girl who used to be one stinky ghost.

Swallowing my last bite and wiping my mouth with my sleeve, I asked, “Why do you even care how I choose to spend my Saturday anyway? I’m off the clock right now.”

“Think again, boy. I just detected a new Shen Gong Wu revealing itself while I was downstairs meditating.”

At that, I let out a long, agonized groan of despair.

“Do not be a whiner, Jack Spicer…” Wuya warned with a dangerous flash of her green eyes. “This isn’t just about consolidating power for myself. This is also about training you into becoming a skilled, discipline warrior of evil. That means being ready to head out at a moment’s notice. You agreed to this, remember?”

I sighed as I did, in fact, remember. After the colossal failure that was the all-out Heylin assault on the Xiaolin temple, Wuya had approached me requesting to reform our rocky partnership. "For old times' sake," as she so charmingly put it.

I knew her well enough at this point to recognize when she was trying to butter me up. She had no real interest in playing mentor with me again. I think she just wanted to get away from…Chase…for a while since he effectively had her on a short leash while they were working together. Maybe a part of me empathized with her on that and that’s why I agreed to the request…

“I know but…why did it have to be today though? I had plans this weekend and now I can kiss them goodbye!”

“Evil never rests, Jack. It’s a hard pill to swallow but one that we all have to learn to deal with. Now get dressed and meet me at the hover jet in five minutes. We’re going to Brazil for the Wu. Don’t forget to bring the Monkey Staff.”

Wuya swiftly made her way back downstairs, leaving no room for debate. I sighed as I turned off the TV and set my now soggy cereal off to the side. My perfect Saturday was officially ruined. The only way today can be redeemed is if I actually get the Shen Gong Wu before the Xiaolin Losers or win it in a Showdown against them. And since I wasn’t feeling particularly confident in the second option given my…recent track record, I’ll just have to nab the Wu before they even show up.

Using my wrist communicator, I ordered my best squad of JackBots to ready my hover jet as I rushed back upstairs to change out of my pajamas. I hope I don’t mix up my red and brown socks in the rush again…

“So, you mind telling me what the Shen Gong Wu is this time?”

We were already flying high above our destination, Rio de Janeiro, and Wuya had been strangely neglectful of informing me of the new Wu's function. It was bad enough for it to be located in the monks' leader's hometown, but not even knowing what the stupid thing was called was irritating me even more. At least the sights were pretty to look at.

“It’s the Mask of Rio,” Wuya casually explained while filing her nails in the passenger seat. “It allows the wearer to better blend into their given surroundings. An ideal tool for stealth missions in crowded areas and the like.”

…

I slammed on the brakes. The hover jet lived up to its namesake and hovered in place as the JackBots I brought along stopped themselves from flying past it. Wuya was flung out of her seat due to her not wearing the safety belt and crashed into the glove box in front of her. I didn’t even care that she looked like she wanted to murder me at that moment, I needed to speak my peace.

“Better blend into your surroundings? You had us come all the way out here, on a Saturday no less, to pick up a discount Shroud of Shadows!? I could break into the monks’ Shen Gong Wu vault right now and just steal a better item! Heck, I could even build a stealth field generator myself! Why are we bothering with this one!?”

“INSOLENT BOY! To imply your miserable technology could ever make for a suitable alternative to Shen Gong Wu is blasphemous!” Wuya shouted in righteous fury. “They hold a great power far beyond your feeble comprehension and are more than the sum of their parts! We cannot afford to miss out on even one! Need I remind you that the Monkey Staff is the last remaining Wu in your arsenal?”

Absentmindedly rubbing said staff leaning next to me against the seat, I retorted, “The Monkey Staff’s the only Wu I’ve ever gotten the most mileage out of. I’m pretty much set with it alone. Besides, what’s not to understand about a mask that makes you blend in with the crowd? Or a food tray that unleashes ants in your enemy’s pants? Or a giant golden baby that shoots diapers out of its crotch!?”

Wuya growled before rubbing her temples. “You just had to bring up Ants in the Pants and Sweet Baby Among Us…”

“Face it, Wuya! Some of these Wu are weird at best or redundant at worst! You have to wonder what was going on in Dashi’s head when he was cooking up some of these,” I said, looking out the glass dome down at Rio and weighing my options. “Anyway, my point still stands. Do we really need the Mask of Rio that badly?”

Not gonna lie, I was feeling pretty proud of myself at this moment. I had surely shut Wuya down with logic and reasoning. There was still a chance to go home early with my bots intact and salvage my precious Saturday!

Well…that idea went out the window when Wuya suddenly grabbed the collar of my coat and brought me up to her snarling face. 

“Listen here, spoiled brat! I don’t care how trivial this Shen Gong Wu seems to you! You are going to get it for me or suffer the consequences! I have a body now and you know I can make good on that threat! Do I make myself clear?”

I nervously gulped, “Y-Yes ma’am…”

“Good,” said the scary witch as she shoved me back in the pilot seat. “Now keep flying this infernal contraption. I sense we are getting closer to the Wu.”

I wanted to grumble at her for being pushy but knew better than to further enrage the woman with dark magic at her fingertips. So I held my tongue and resumed the flight over Rio with my robots in tow.

Even so…I don’t appreciate her flippant disregard for my machines. They were my babies, an extension of myself, my evil creative outlets! For Wuya (and everybody else for that matter) to be so dismissive of my tech was seriously demoralizing, not to mention genuinely hurtful. I still remember a time when they were all once impressed with my robots and gadgets. But now that they’re able to consistently take them out with their overpowered magic, the novelty has worn off. Now they just see me as overcompensating for my lack of powers and combat skills.

Speaking of which…

“When are you going to teach me some fighting moves?”

Either Wuya wasn’t expecting that particular line of questioning or she assumed I would’ve been too timid to say anything else during the ride. Admittedly, I sort of was, but the question just kinda slipped out without me thinking (another thing she always gets on my case about). Regardless, she shook her head and shot me a curious glance.

“What?”

“I asked when are you going to teach me some fighting moves?” I reiterated, seeing just how far I could push my luck by being bold with the witch after her threatening me. “It’s obvious you don’t think my technological skills are up to snuff, so why not teach me how to fight hand-to-hand or something? I had to take self-defense courses online just to even have a chance at fighting the monks, and since you want to take me under your wing again, why not train me a little?”

Now Wuya looked even more shocked, as though I just grew a second head. Did she really think so little of me that asking her for help was beyond her perception?

“Why do you think I keep harping on you to practice using the Shen Gong Wu you do manage to win?” She countered with a mildly annoyed glare. “Part of your failures are due to you not putting in the effort to improve yourself. If you’re not goofing off playing video games or downloading more of that horrid noise you call music, you’re hunkered down in your lab wasting time building ineffective robots.”

“I am trying to improve myself. I’m improving my craft by upgrading my JackBots to better combat our enemies. There’s a reason I only brought one squad of them today,” I explained, jabbing a thumb out the window at Attack Squad Sigma keeping up with the hover jet. “I’ve brought these six in particular with me on almost every hunt. And every time I rebuild them, they know their enemies a little better each time. They’re the most experienced JackBots in my army, and I think they’ll have a real chance at proving themselves this time. Quality over quantity is the name of the game today.”

Wuya blinked, eyed the bots outside, then looked back at me. “You can tell these things apart from the rest?”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about my boys that I do,” I said with an eye roll before staring at her with a serious face. “Look, Wuya, I know it may not look like it sometimes but I am trying here. I thought you’d at least be proud that I’m willing to ask for some additional training from you. So please…give me a chance?”

To really seal the deal, I made sure to put on my best puppy dog eyes with a bonus quivering lip. Truth be told, I’m not actually sure if that had any significant impact on Wuya’s decision-making for she turned away to look out of her side of the window. A full minute passed and I was ready to assume she was simply dodging the question by ignoring me. Until she suddenly spoke up.

“Retrieve the Mask of Rio and I’ll drill you in on some melee combat.”

I shot up a celebratory fist pump up in the air.

“Effective immediately.”

I slowly lowered my fist pump. There was always a catch with these things, wasn’t there? Well…at least there was always Sunday.

“And we’ll have sparring matches every day going forward. It wouldn’t be training if it was only a one-time occurrence.”

I’ve made a terrible mistake, haven’t I?

Before I could further despair over my impulsive choices, Wuya suddenly sat up straight in her seat, her eyes glowing bright and her hair taking on a life of its own. “The Mask of Rio…it is near. Make a sharp left and descend!”

Nodding, I did as I was instructed and carefully lowered our altitude. Before long, we found ourselves hovering right in front of…

“Christ the Redeemer?” I asked aloud as I stared into the blank eyes of Rio’s famous Jesus statue. “Uh, Wuya? As much as I enjoy sightseeing, we’re not exactly tourists here.”

“If you would pay attention for once, you would’ve noticed the Wu already,” Wuya said with an exasperated sigh before gesturing at Big J. “It’s on top of the statue’s head.”

“…what?”

I released the latches opening up the glass dome and unbuckled my safety belt just so I could get a clearer look. Stepping out of the cockpit and onto the bow of my hover jet, I took a good, long look at old Christ’s head.

Sure enough, a distinct mask-shaped Wu was resting on top of it.

I slowly looked back the impatient Heylin witch.

“Well? What are you waiting for!?”

“…this is a joke, right?”

That threw Wuya for a loop. “Excuse me?”

“THIS! This whole setup right here!” I shouted while waving wildly at the not-so-well-hidden magical artifact. “How long has this thing been chilling up here on Jesus’s head!? You mean to tell me that in the last fifteen-hundred years, nobody has noticed a random mask sitting on top of a world famous statue? I’m pretty sure this Wu predates the darn thing!”

“Jack, you-!” Wuya started, only to pause as the absurdity of the situation seemed to finally hit her as well. Still, she shook her head and continued. “While you make a disturbingly fair point, let us not look a gift horse in the mouth. Take the Wu while the taking is still good!”

Seems even nagging old witches are right twice a day. Especially so as when I turned around to claim my prize, I overheard her say to herself, “But that's a good question: how did it get up here…?”

I was coming up on the edge of the bow, just a small jump away from Christ’s head when…ugh, they had to show up.

“Not so fast, Jack Spicer!”

Omi, Kimiko, Clay, and Raimundo all came in riding on their dragon, Dojo, in the blink of an eye. Dojo flew right in front of me to block my easy path to the Wu as the monks assumed their battle stances.

I noticed their leader, Raimundo, was still breaking in his new flame robes to denote his newly attained position. And as much as it pains me to admit…it looked pretty good on him. Flame prints on black go well with most things I’ve come to learn. Not that I would ever let him know that of course.

Although I kind of expected the Xiaolin Dragon of Wind to sport a more wind themed outfit. Flames were more Kimiko's element. Literally.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the Xiaolin Losers,” I greeted with my arms crossed along with an unimpressed stare. Truthfully, I was freaking out a little on the inside, but better to let them think they don’t intimidate me.

“You got a lotta nerve showing your face in my turf, Jack,” Raimundo said with a sneer. “Why don’t you take your little toys and hit the road? Spare yourself the butt-kicking that way.”

Buddy, I’ve been wanting to do that since the moment Wuya forced me out of the house. But I’ve already come this far, so…

“Not a chance. That Shen Gong Wu has my name on it and I'm not leaving till I collect it!”

Omi sported a confused look as he glanced at the Mask of Rio behind him. “It really has 'Jack Spicer' written on it? But I do not see it...”

Everyone groaned as Kimiko put a hand to the cheeseball’s shoulder. “No, Omi, it’s another figure of speech. He’s claiming it’s his when we all know it’s really not.”

His eyes widened in awe. “Ooohhh! I see now. Most enlightening! Thank you for the clarification, my friend!”

“No problem! Keep taking notes and we’ll have you understanding slang in no time!” Kimiko said with a bright smile. Man, she’s so cute~

“Uh, hello? Is this really the time for an English class!?” Raimundo asked in a frustrated tone. “We got a bad guy in front of us trying to take the Shen Gong Wu!”

“Not to bring this shindig down, pardner, but is it really that serious?” Clay asked his leader while adjusting his cowboy hat. “I mean, it’s just Jack after all.”

“Hey! I’m standing right here!”

“I’m with Clay on this one, Rai,” Kimiko agreed, completely ignoring me despite me literally just announcing my presence. “Jack’s hardly been a threat even on his best days. He’s persistent, sure, but not much else beyond that. We’ve come a long way since our first Xiaolin Showdown against him.”

“Indeed. Spicer is nowhere near as ruthless as Chase Young or Hannibal Bean. Heck, even Wuya at her current power level is more dangerous than him!” Omi proudly declared, before noticing the fuming witch in question and giving an awkward laugh. “N-No offense of course! You are still very much in a league of your own!”

“How flattering…” She growled, very clearly still taking offense at being compared to the likes of me…oh great, now they got me doing it!

Ironically, it was their own leader coming to my defense. “Guys, look, I get you’re coming from, believe me. But Master Fung taught us to never underestimate our adversaries. Even when they lose more often than they succeed.”

A backhanded defense is still a defense. I’ll take what I can get.

“On that note, how about we save the usual gloating until after we kick his butt, huh?” Raimundo stated confidently while punching a fist into his hand.

“I can get behind that,” Kimiko agreed while lighting her fists on fire with her elemental powers. I gulped a little at that.

“This is gonna be more fun than a fat pig at a pie-eating contest,” Clay declared while cracking his knuckles, causing me to gulp even harder. Really hope they didn’t notice that along with the first.

“Prepare for a most humiliating defeat, agent of evil,” Omi announced with his usual motto. Although that agent of evil bit was new. Nice to get a little recognition from the squirt at least.

“Yeah, well, this time will be different! I’ve brought my most battle-hardened JackBots with me today: Attack Squad Sigma! They’ve been present in nearly every battle against you four. They know your every move…”

Man, do I sound wicked cool or what? Being a supervillain sure does have its perks!

“Wait…these ones are distinct from the rest?”

Way to go, Cue Ball. You ruined the moment again.

“Yeah, they just look like any other JackBot you deploy,” Kimiko unnecessarily added.

“Probably about as strong too, I reckon,” Clay grunted.

Alright, dissing me was one thing, but no one disses the boys on my watch! Time to unleash my own element: the element of surprise!

With the press of a button on my wrist communicator, I signaled the hover jet’s laser turrets to activate. Once they popped out of their hatches, they immediately opened fire on the biggest target: Dojo. The monks’ super-sized dragon ride yelped in pain as he made erratic, evasive maneuvers. Which in turn threw his passengers off balance and accidentally made them fall off of him.

“JackBots: ATTACK!” I ordered while running back into the cockpit. But as soon as I plopped down into the pilot’s seat, I was suddenly smacked in the back of the head.

“OW! Wuya, what-!?”

“Why didn’t you make a break for the Shen Gong Wu!? You had the perfect chance to seize it!”

…crap, I did, didn’t I? Between the fear of getting beaten up and the anger of having my robots insulted, I must’ve panicked and retreated back to the ship out of habit. Better come up with a reasonable excuse.

"That's what you think, but I'm actually being tactical here! I can more precisely fire at Dojo in the cockpit till he shrinks back down to puny size. Then I'll use the Monkey Staff for extra agility to snag the Wu while my JackBots keep them busy!"

Wuya very briefly scrutinized me with her eyes before shaking her head and growling. “Fine! Just less talking and more firing!”

“Copy that!”

With hands on the controls, I circled the big dragon around Christ the Redeemer as I took potshots at him, even getting a few lucky hits along the way. As predicted, Dojo had enough of target practice and reverted back to his regular size, hiding underneath one of the statue’s thumbs for added security.

“Excellent shooting, Jack! Now get the Wu!”

With rare praise from Wuya motivating me, I opened up the cockpit’s dome and grabbed my own Wu. “Monkey Staff!”

Feeling a familiar tail pop out of my tail bone and more body hair than usual, I pounded my chest and let out a ferocious monkey battle cry! One mighty leap was all it took to latch onto Jesus’s outstretched hands with my new prehensile appendage.

Hanging from the statue’s arm like Spider-Man (and feeling ashamed of myself for the superhero comparison), I momentarily observed Attack Squad Sigma battling the Xiaolin Losers from down below. They were actually holding their own! This must be what a proud father must feel like watching his sons giving it their all.

Suddenly, I picked up on the sounds of teeth chattering. I very quickly discovered the source as I saw it was coming from Dojo, still hiding under the thumb of the hand I was hanging on. He stopped chattering his teeth as we both stared at each other in silence. Until I decided to mess with him and grinned like a maniacal monkey man.

“Boo.”

Dojo gave a rather girly shriek as he accidentally let go of the thumb he was clinging onto and fell all the way down. Coward.

Now that I had my evil fill of fun, I flipped upright onto the statue’s arm and dashed for the head. The Mask of Rio was just one more easy leap away and –

“Fancy meeting you here.”

Crud! The second I landed on top of the head and reached out for the Wu, Raimundo dived in out of nowhere and touched it at the same time I did. Now it was doing that glowing thing Shen Gong Wu does whenever there’s a stalemate.

“Jack, in the name of Rio de Janeiro, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown!”

“Hey, time out for a sec! What about the JackBots? I thought they were keeping you busy!”

“Oh, they were…for about a solid minute. See for yourself.”

Looking down to where Raimundo was gesturing, I could see the other three monks cheekily waving at me by the statue's pedestal…while standing next to a smoldering pile of scrap metal. At least they lasted longer than most JackBots…?

“Should’ve stuck to your usual ‘quantity over quality’ strategy. Might’ve earned you a few extra seconds.”

I growled, “Just name the challenge already...”

Raimundo cupped his chin to think for a moment before snapping his fingers. “Giant ping pong match. Cristo Redentor holds the net. First to score three points wins. My Sword of the Storm against your Monkey Staff.”

“Ping pong?" I scoffed. "You just sealed your own fate, bud. I happen to be a whiz at ping pong!”

“Since when?” Wuya rudely butted in, leaning over the controls of the hover jet to fly it upwards and call my bluff. Who’s side are you on again, witch?

“Since…just now!" I declared in a sweat before going back to glaring at the monk leader. "So you better watch yourself, buster! Jack Spicer plays to win!”

Raimundo merely smirked at my failed attempt to intimidate him. “Good. So do I…”

On that note, we both shouted at the same time: “LET’S GO! XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN!”

The next part was always trippy.

Despite the random flashes assaulting my (and presumably everyone else's) vision, I could still catch glimpses of reality itself bending to the will of the Shen Gong Wu. The cityscape the statue was overlooking grew to exaggerated proportions as did the mountain range behind it. The ground below us faded into a void of some kind as a fog quickly overtook it. The statue itself suddenly had a giant green ping pong table phasing through the middle of its torso. Its hands were now holding up the posts for the net which was raised above its head. All the while, Raimundo's team found themselves standing on a floating platform to spectate, with Wuya simply remaining in the hover jet.

With Raimundo and I on opposite sides of the net, oversized ping pong paddles materialized in our hands. Thankfully, their weight had been magically reduced to allow us to actually make use of them for the Showdown. A scoreboard had also appeared off to the side in order to keep track of me whopping my opponent’s butt. Speaking of which~

“GONG YI TANPAI!”

Since Raimundo called the challenge, he got to serve first. With an impressive strike, he bounced the giant ping pong ball over the net as it bounced into my court.

Alright, Jack, you got this. It’s just like basketball…except with paddles…and you don’t actually want the ball to touch the net…on second thought, it’s nothing like basketball, it’s more like tennis if anything. Whatever – just don’t lose!

With enhanced dexterity provided by the Monkey Staff held in my tail, I was able to swat the ball back to Raimundo with relative ease. Unfortunately, with his Xiaolin training, that meant he was also able to swat the ball back without breaking a sweat himself. It soon became apparent that this was going to be a stalemate if one of us didn’t do something unique.

So, when in doubt…cheat!

The next time I swatted the ball away, I discreetly used my communicator to tap into the hover jet’s laser turret system. With a carefully aimed shot, I used one of the turrets to blast at the spot closest to Raimundo, causing him to jump away in surprise and completely miss the ball. Score One for Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius!

“Cheating again, Jack Spicer!? Most shameful!” I heard Omi crow over by the spectating area. “What would your mother think?”

“That she raised a perfect little devil~!” I mocked with a big old cheesy grin, just to really grind Omi’s gears.

“Y’know, he’s got a point, dude. It’s really sad that you have to cheat just to get an edge,” Raimundo chimed in on the other side of the court. “That's basically an admission of defeat right there, like you know your own skills aren’t cutting it.”

Leave it to the most smug member of the Dragon Quartet to know how to easily get under my skin!

“Oh yeah!? Well I call it working smarter, not harder! Take THIS!”

Not questioning how the ball appeared over on my side, I swatted it with all of my monkey strength, making it bounce up higher than usual. Thankfully, it just barely made it over the net to keep the game going. Raimundo adjusted his position to get a good angle to hit it back.

I could’ve used the turrets to my advantage again, but Raimundo’s words kept echoing in my head. It only made me angrier with each swing. I wanted to prove him wrong so bad, grind his smug face into the dirt, really make him eat those words.

So, in honor of the Sith from Star Wars, I used that anger to fuel my aggressive playstyle. It appeared to be working too (much to my own surprise) as Raimundo was noticeably having a harder time keeping up with the ball each time I swatted it back at him. Eventually, he slipped up as I got another point. One more win like that and I’m home free!

“WOO…! Yeah, baby…! Whose skills…aren’t cutting it now…HUH!?” I cheered in between pants. Who knew tapping into the dark side of the Force took a lot out of you? I could sure go for a refreshing banana right about now…

“I gotta admit, Jack. That was an impressive play. Nice job,” Raimundo weirdly complimented, leaving me to wonder what his game was. It was hard to gauge his expression when most of his face was hidden in that ninja suit he and the other monks magically don during Showdowns. And I already wasn’t the best at reading social cues that didn’t come from robots (I knew them better than I knew my own kind).

However, what he said next filled me with a sense of impending dread. “It’s too bad you already threw the match though…”

What was he talking about? It's not like I was taking a dive. I don’t like how weirdly cryptic he’s being all of a sudden!

With seemingly renewed vigor, Raimundo hit the ball back at me, which I just barely had time to hit back. As we went back to exchanging hits, it soon dawned on me what he was alluding to when he claimed I threw the match:

I had already exhausted most of my energy.

My movements were becoming more sluggish despite the Monkey Staff’s influence. It got more and more difficult keeping up with the ball, taxing me of what little energy I had left. As such, it wasn’t long before Raimundo swatted the ball a little too far away for me to reach, and I ended up sliding on the court as it bounced out of bounds.

The monks proceeded to cheer for their leader as Wuya sat up from her seat to…encourage me?

“C’mon, you lazy sad sack! You just need one more point to win! Don’t choke up now!”

Growling to myself, I got back up as Raimundo had another ping pong ball at his side. I took a quick deep breath before he swatted it over to me. I tried to reserve as much of my fleeting energy as I could, but the game required me to really push myself to my limits. It simply wasn’t an option to slow down or even take a moment to breath properly. Every move counted.

Which is why I inevitably slipped up again when I swatted the ball directly into Jesus’s net. Another score for Raimundo. It was anybody’s game now.

“Way to go, Rai!”

“That’s showin’ him!”

“You are, as they say, self-combusting!”

“It’s ‘on fire,’ Omi.”

“That would have been my second guess!”

“YOU HAD BETTER WIN THIS LAST ROUND OR SO HELP ME, JACK!”

Oh, how I feel so loved…

But no, seriously, this was bad (and not the good kind of bad that’s desirable for us villains). I was severely out of shape and only one point away from either success or failure. Everything was riding on this final round. One of us was going home without any Wu to their name.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Raimundo was able to sense my anxiety as he said, “Y’know dude, I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to call it quits early. I think we both know how this ends.”

Still panting like a dog instead of a half monkey man, I raised my wrist communicator to blatantly show how little I cared about cheating again. “Yeah…with you crying home to your mama!”

Activating the laser turrets on the hover jet, they fired away at the leader of the Xiaolin Warriors. With a series of flips, Raimundo dodged the onslaught of lasers, leaving me with both enough time to catch my breath as well as a giant ping pong ball with his name on it.

With an evil grin, I served the ball as far away from the distracted monk as possible, to really cement my impending victory. But, of course, things were never truly easy for me. Once Raimundo caught wind (don’t say it) of the situation, he used his elemental powers over the wind to propel him past the lasers and right to the ball to hit it back at me. Thankfully, I was at least prepared for this outcome and was ready to hit it back when…

“Sword of the Storm! Wind!”

Crap, that’s right! He still had a Shen Gong Wu up his sleeve! And he was only now using it!

Just as I hit the ball back, a strong gust of wind from the magic sword threatened to knock me over. While my monkey feet were strong enough to hold me in place, the same could not be said for my monkey paws. The wind combined with the sweat that had been accumulating during the match made me lose my grip on the paddle, causing it to fly away backwards.

“NO!”

I made a mad dash for the paddle, but the wind had already blown it off of the table. All I could do was stick my hand out feebly over the edge as it fell into the abyss, never to be seen again.

And to add insult to injury? Raimundo went for the overkill.

“Sword of the Storm! SHOKU ASTRO WIND!”

Combining his new powers from ranking up with an already potent Wu that complimented his element, Raimundo jumped high into the air and unleashed a small HURRICANE to give his next swing an unnecessary boost in power.

With a giant ping pong ball coming at me at what had to be no less than Mach 5 speed, I had no time to scream as it collided with my chest.

Amazingly, I wasn’t instantly pulverized into a red paste upon contact. Although, a small part of me kind of wishes I was as I met the same fate as my paddle.

I never got to see what was down in the void as reality shifted back to its original state now that the Showdown was over. Instead, I found myself kneeling before Christ the Redeemer with the remains of my JackBots next to me. Also, I was fully human again, meaning the Monkey Staff was no longer on my person as Raimundo was being congratulated by his team with three Shen Gong Wu in his hands.

They were saying…something, probably gloating like they agreed to do after they won. But I didn’t catch any of it as I was too busy puking Lucky Charms.

“Ah – GROSS, man!" Raimundo shouted in disgust. "You better not get any of that on his pedestal! We don’t take kindly to tourists dirtying up our statue.”

I said nothing as I stared at the rainbow-y vomit on the ground. The monks said something else for a little bit before the sounds of Dojo changing size were heard, indicating that they were ready to leave. The whoosh that quickly followed confirmed their departure, leaving me to my failures once again. Until the honk of my hover jet made me look up at a very angry Wuya at the controls.

“Get in. Now.”

I looked to her as I was no doubt in for a verbal lashing. Then I looked to the remains of my robots as I had a long evening of repairs ahead of me.

This was so not how I wanted to spend my Saturday…

Chapter Text

The flight back home was so thick with tension, you could cut it with a knife and make it bleed.

Wuya hadn’t said anything beyond the initial demand for me to get back in the hover jet after I lost the Showdown. She already looked so ready to blow a fuse, I didn’t have time to gather up every single piece of Attack Squad Sigma’s remains. So I just scooped up the essential parts (mainly their emotion chips) and hurried back into the cockpit. I’d have to come back for the rest later without a Heylin witch glaring daggers at me.

Honestly, the silence between the two of us was putting me more on edge than if she simply yelled at me from the get-go. The soft, droning hum of the hover jet thankfully provided enough white noise to keep the cockpit from being dead quiet, but it could only do so much to ease the tension. Seriously, why hasn’t she screeched at me for my latest screw-up? Give me anything but the disappointed silent treatment, woman!

My internal pleas were not answered even as we finally made it back to the mansion. Landing the jet in the underground hangar bay, I awkwardly climbed out of the cockpit with my salvaged JackBot parts in hand. Wuya continued to say nothing as she bore holes in me even as she stepped out of the vehicle as well.

As much as I wanted this overbearing silence between us to end already, I wasn’t going to be the one to break it. If she had something she wanted to say, she would say it. It was only a matter of time. And I could only hope it was soon.

So, as the fuming witch continued to glare at me with the heat of a thousand suns, I simply just…went to work on rebuilding Attack Squad Sigma. Unhooking a premade JackBot endoskeleton from off the rack, I placed it on one of my workbenches and tried to get into the zone. I suppressed a groan as I opened the spare parts drawer below and realized I wouldn’t have enough to remake all six robots. Regardless, I set the pieces on the table and went to work anyway.

I was…difficult to concentrate with someone silently judging me with reserved anger. I restrained myself from taking too many sneak peeks to see if Wuya was still glaring at my back. She was, of course. If looks could kill, well…let’s just say I’d be dead ten times over by now. And at this point I almost welcomed it if she kept this up for any long-

“Third. Consecutive. Loss.”

Her icy words startled me enough to make me drop the wrench I was using. Slowly and with hesitation, I glanced back at Wuya who had finally starting speaking again. Already I found myself missing the prior silence.

“C-Come again?”

“Third. Consecutive! LOSS!” She finally screeched, eyes shining like green headlights and red hair lashing out like Medusa’s snakes. Anything that wasn’t bolted down in the lab rattled at the sudden vibrations emanating from the peeved off Heylin witch. She may have been locked out of most of her world-conquering powers since regaining her form, but her magic was still strong enough to do serious damage…

“This marks the third Showdown you lost in a row! And now you have no Shen Gong Wu because of it!” Wuya began to viciously rant. “I mean, how could someone be so incompetent, so short-sighted, so cocky, so…so YOU as to lose three Xiaolin Showdowns in the span of a single month!? It’s unprecedented, unheard of! I didn’t even think it was possible for someone to be this much of a screwup, but leave it to a human I guess! You are by far the most pathetic excuse for a villain I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in all my years wreaking havoc on this earth!”

Now, the two of us having arguments was far from breaking new grounds. We’d always have our little moments of bickering and getting frustrated at one other. It was like clockwork after a while, a staple in our evil partnership almost.

But this? This was different. She wasn’t just mad, she was…downright livid. I could hardly form a sentence in response as Wuya continued to verbally steamroll me.

“Honestly, I really only have myself to blame for thinking you still had a chance! It was understandable before: I was a powerless ghost with no solid hands and you seemed like you knew what you were doing. But that was before I got to know the REAL you! The lazy, weak, cowardly, worthless you! They say the mind is a terrible thing to waste, and you are the living proof of that! What good is an ‘evil genius’ that can’t even use basic critical thinking skills? All your self-proclamations about your supposed intellect and all you have to show for it are slow, clunky robots! You rely too much on those glorified GARBAGE CANS!”

“Hey – YOU LEAVE MY BOYS OUT OF THIS!” I immediately shouted back, the urge to defend my robots’ honor overriding my usual sense of fear. “Robots are the way of the future, and like with everything else in life it takes trial and error before something can get better! This field of science requires time, effort, and a buttload of money and resources for it to reach its fullest potential! Rome wasn’t built in a day; you of all people should know that considering you were probably there during its construction!”

“Rome was the epitome of ruthless conquerors and warriors imposing their will on all those weaker than them!” Wuya flippantly retorted. “It got to exist at all because their founders were strong, something YOU are not! You hardly qualify as a warrior, much less a conqueror! And in a fitting way, your lousy machines reflect that inferiority! They represent your own Anti-Rome!”

“No, they represent advancement! You immortals are always looking down on modern day enhancements like they aren’t an obvious sign of progress! Why can’t you just get with the times already!?”

“Because your ‘modern day enhancements’ are only making you lazier and dumber! Letting your machines do most of the work for you has dulled what little skills you may have once had! If it wasn’t for Showdowns, you wouldn’t get any exercise in!”

“Not true – I shoot hoops with my clones whenever I have the Ring of the Nine Dragons~” I countered smugly. Checkmate you stubborn fossil.

Wuya snarled sarcastically, “Oh, but of COURSE! How could I possibly have forgotten about your essential basketball sessions? Putting aside the fact you continue to treat Shen Gong Wu like toys, that hardly counts for a proper training regimen!”

I went back to being serious and glared at her. “Then train me like you promised you would. We had a deal, remember!?”

“The deal was that I would train you IF you got the Mask of Rio for me. Which you DIDN’T,” Wuya asserted with an aggressive poke to my chest which I am embarrassed to admit kinda hurt. “You had your chance to prove yourself worthy, and you blew it. In fact, I’ve given you multiple chances over the past three years, and time and time again you failed not just me but evil as a whole! Chase was right: you are a disgrace to the Heylin Order, Jack Spicer.”

Fresh hot tears were threatening to spill out of my eyes. Wuya had insulted me before, but it really seemed like she meant what she was saying this time. And she had to bring up him while ripping my head off!

“Oh God, don’t start crying again,” Wuya groaned with a pinch to the bridge of her nose. “The last thing any of us need right now is for you to start blubbering like a baby. You are far too sensitive for this evil business...”

“Take it back…”

The witch stared at me with half-lidded eyes. “Wanna run that by me again?”

“I said TAKE IT BACK!” I practically screamed, harshly wiping away my tears before they had a chance to spill down my face. “I am NOT a disgrace to the Heylin, you and Chase are! You two suck all the fun out of evil and belittle any up-and-coming evildoers that don’t live up to your standards! You’ve forgotten what it’s like to step back and enjoy the little things; to have fun with your job! I don’t have to stand here and be lectured by some gatekeeping amateur about villainy!”

“Gatekeeping amateur!? You must have a death wish!” Wuya roared, picking me up by the collar with one hand while the other glowed with dark green magic. “Chase has been cursed to walk this putrid planet for over fifteen-hundred years, and I even longer! For a measly human boy who’s only existed for seventeen years to imply he knows better than us is peak arrogance! You know nothing and have nothing to offer! So why…why do you keep fighting!? ANSWER ME YOU WORM!”

In that moment, I was a lot of things: scared, hurt, betrayed, confused, hungry, etc. I genuinely thought Wuya was actually going off the deep end and would take my life then and there. But looking back on this moment…I can’t help but be somewhat proud of myself. Because in spite of everything, I somehow managed to draw up the courage to stand up for my beliefs in the face of an angry magic-user. Maybe it was the adrenaline rush I was experiencing at the time, but I was willing and ready to defy Wuya for what could have been (and what eventually was) the last time ever.

So, with a deep breath, I gave my answer.

“Because I have nothing to lose,” I said with a straight face. “In a world with supernatural creatures and metahumans, I only have my intellect as my saving grace. Even if you did train me, I’d still be experimenting with robotics anyway. You can’t stop progress, Wuya, technology is the common man’s magic. And if you’re not careful, it’ll creep up on you when you least expect it. That’s a promise.”

Wuya grit her teeth so hard, I thought for sure she would’ve cracked them. The hand she had been storing power in briefly glowed even brighter, and I closed my eyes preparing for the worst. So color me surprised when instead she suddenly flung me across the lab, making me crash into the shelf of JackBot endoskeletons. It hurt my back and I’m pretty sure the collision damaged my HeliBot, but I’d take it over being vaporized any day.

As I groaned underneath a pile of metal, I overheard Wuya talk mostly to herself as she stomped her way up the stairs.

"That's it, I'm done, there's no hope for this fool. I'd rather be under the oppressive watch of Chase than put up with this nonsense. At least he understands how might makes right…"

If she had anything else to add, she was already out of earshot for me to hear it. Once again, Wuya had dumped me like I was yesterday’s garbage. Although this time I suspected she wasn’t coming back. She really did just want a little extra freedom by “palling around” with me until I got on her nerves for the last time. Now it was just me left alone with my robots…like it’s always been.

So why did I still feel empty inside?

I was sweating like a pig as I exerted what little energy I had into unscrewing the bolts in JB-CUPC4K3’s chest cavity. It would’ve been easier had I not lost the wrench I was using prior to the…disagreement Wuya and I got into. And because I didn’t feel like looking for it, I just opted to use the claw on the back of a nearby hammer to unscrew the bolts. It was about as effective as you would think.

I know I could’ve gotten one of the stay-at-home JackBots to find the wrench and clean up the mess too, but I honestly didn’t feel like bothering any of them right now. Most were left pretty spooked at Wuya’s outburst and I can’t say I blame them. I gave some of them impenetrable bubble shields a while back and she still managed to destroy them along with Chase and Hannibal. I’d like to see those hacks go toe-to-toe with my boys without their magic or superhuman reflexes…

The more my mind wandered back to any one of those overpowered snobs, the harder it became to concentrate on repairs. The Xiaolin Losers may have been annoying, but at least that’s because they were my enemies. Wuya and the others were supposed to be on my side. But I guess there’s just no pleasing some evil people. Not like I needed them to begin with. If they wanna cut all ties with me then so be it. I already did that with Chase last week, Wuya will be no different.

As for Hannibal…well, we were never really close to begin with. And I haven’t seen him since the all-out assault on the Xiaolin Temple…probably went back to scheming in the shadows.

After another fruitless attempt at trying to unscrew a bolt, I decided to break for a snack. Aside from the bowl of Lucky Charms I had for breakfast (which I threw up at the end of the last Showdown), I hadn’t had anything to eat all day. And if there was one food item that I could always count on to lift my spirits, it was pudding cups!

I stepped away from the workbench to head towards the mini-fridge I installed in my lair so I didn’t have to go upstairs to the kitchen every time. Opening the door, I was greeted to the beautiful sight of-

“Nothing!?”

I looked high and low, on every shelf and in every drawer. There was not a single pudding cup in sight.

Closing the fridge door, I stood completely still and in complete silence. I wasn’t sure exactly how long I was like that, but eventually the repressed anger finally came bubbling back up as my body shook with rage. Without thinking, I turned around and flung the inappropriate tool I had been using into the depths of my lair, not even caring if the resonating clang meant something got damaged.

"DAMMIT! How is an evil genius supposed to get any work done around here when he's got pudding on the brain!? Bet Wuya snagged the last one on the way out. Wouldn't put it past her, the bitch..."

Yeah, bet you weren’t expecting that kind of language coming from me, huh? Well, contrary to popular belief, I am capable of swearing. I've picked up on all kinds of vulgar words growing up. I've just been restraining myself from letting them slip near others for…some reason that escapes me. But I’ve decided now that I no longer give a rat's ass. So what if impressionable ears pick up on my foul mouth? Let the minds of the youth get corrupted, I don't fucking care!

Besides, it’s my own evil lair. I can say whatever I want.

I let out an agonizing sigh while rubbing my face in, pushing my goggles back up to my forehead in the process. When the up-close smell of oil-laced fingers became too much even for me, I slammed my head back down on the workbench and went silent. For a while, I contemplated spending the rest of my life just staring blankly at the softly illuminated grid lines…

Jesus – what am I even doing? Getting upset over my Saturday not going as planned? What am I, five? No, I'm seventeen and practically living on my own! You're an evil supervillain, Jack, you’re better than this. Supervillains don't let a crappy week get to them!

…

Goddamnit, Spicer, don't you dare cry now. You finally managed to hold it in for once when Wuya was close to going postal. Letting it out now would render that moment a moot point. It's already embarrassing enough that you've been branded as a crybaby by both good and evil, you'll only be proving their point if you turn on the waterworks now!

Don't cry. Don't cry. DO NOT CRY. DO NOT FUCKING-

"Heeeeey! It's the hard-working man of the hour using his extraordinary gifts to fix us humble machines! Who needs an ordinary life when you're Jack Spicer, Master of Evil?"

A cheery voice shook me out of my spiral. I raised my head and glanced behind me to see who it was. The faintest smile crept its way onto my lips when I found myself looking back at YesBot, a specialized JackBot variant I designed to have a sunny smile and matching disposition. I was long overdue on rebuilding him after he exploded, and he's proven to be the most supportive companion I've ever had. Which is more than I can say for Witch Bitch and Lizard Breath.

"Heh, thanks, YB. I…I really needed someone to remind me of that..."

The humanoid automaton rested a gloved hand on my shoulder. He toned down the upbeat optimism in his vocal patterns before continuing. "That's why you built me, Jacko. I understand you’re going through a lot right now, but let it be known that the other bots and I will always be there for you. In the best of times, and in the worst of times, we'll be there to pick you up when you're down. Count on it!"

Thank my brilliant mind for inventing emotion chips.

I don't normally do hugs…but I was more than willing to make an exception this time. So much so that I even disregarded the sacred 3-second rule.

We did eventually let go, and I felt as though my self-esteem had been restored to its former glory. All in a day's work for YesBot.

"I knew you were a thrilling work of genius the moment I installed your power cells."

"Yes you did! Right as always!"

I nodded and turned around to get back to work. But then I realized I had chucked the only tool I had on me somewhere in my labyrinth of an evil lair. Before I could begin reluctantly searching for it, a stay-at-home JackBot (specifically JB-0V32W47CH) appeared beside me with the hammer I flung!

Along with a distracting dent in his helmet…

"Oh! Heheh, uh, whoops. Sorry about that, Overwatch. Here, let me replace that for ya."

I accepted the hammer the bot brought me while unscrewing his disc-shaped helmet before tossing it aside. As I browsed a nearby shelf lined with robot armor pieces, YesBot continued to converse.

"So, Jack Meister, as much as I admire your passion for all that is evil, why not just kick your feet up and relax? Watch something on the old boob tube for a while? You've been working nonstop for the past couple of days. I wouldn't want you to crash and burn on me. How else will I be able to fulfill my programming of kissing up to you then?"

Overwatch beeped graciously after I finished screwing on a new helmet for him and hovered away to continue supervising the various equipment around the lab. I turned to address YesBot's well-meaning but annoying concerns.

"Thanks for the suggestion, YB, but it’s fine. I can handle the extra workload. We all know this wouldn’t be the first time I burned the candle at both ends."

For a second, I could've sworn I saw YesBot furrow his mechanical eyebrows in an attempt to convey a worried expression in spite of the permanent smile. But then again, my eyesight isn't the best and the basement is a little dark. So it was probably just my imagination.

"Read you loud and clear, Boss-Man! After all, you know you better than anyone else!"

I lazily hummed in response and went back to my repairs. After a while of installing new parts, my stomach demanded food again. The only thing I could think to eat at the moment was the box of Lucky Charms, but I didn't feel like snacking on cold cereal at the moment. Especially considering how I…”lost” the last batch I ate.

I asked YesBot if he had any refreshments to provide. He only offered an apologetic shrug.

"Oh, I’m terribly sorry, sir! It appears my snack module hasn’t been restocked. So sorry for the inconvenience!"

Great, not just out of pudding but out of junk food entirely. This day can bite me.

Rolling my eyes, I muttered, "Tell me something I don't know..."

YesBot didn't skip a beat. "The U.S. Supreme Court has its own private basketball court aptly dubbed 'The Highest Court in the Land'."

"…I actually didn't know that. And I'm supposed to be the basketball pro here. How did you know that?"

"I learned about it online while I was taking my scheduled break. I find facts to be great conversation starters!"

"Huh. The more you know."

As much as I wanted to fact-check, I still had shit to do. Carefully weighing my options (and getting sidetracked a few times thinking about basketball), I eventually came up with a reasonable plan.

"Alright, I guess I'll make a stop at Hong Kong and pick up some more pudding. Besides, I need to fly down there anyway and convince a certain panda-themed crime boss to give me another loan. I need to order more spare parts for the JackBots and titanium ain't a cheap metal alloy you know."

YesBot snapped finger guns my way and praised me with all his programming. "Freakin' A! Shall I inform the GuardBots of your departure then?"

"Yeah go ahead. Just don't let anyone in the house unless it's my parents coming home from their subsidiary proposition."

I still can't believe they're actually trying to buy the rights to Tohomiko Electronics. I can only pray that Kimiko doesn't cook me alive the next time we have a Showdown against one another. It’s only be a matter of time before she hears the news from her father back in Japan.

My favorite robot butler hovered away into the depths of my lair, ready to let the GuardBots know of their next shift. I made my way back into the hanger bay and hopped into my hover jet again, warming up the systems for the second launch of the day. Since I would only be flying across the country instead of overseas, I should have enough fuel left for at least two more trips. I’ll probably refuel once I get to Hong Kong anyway; no point in risking another crash landing.

After launching myself out the hanger doors, I stole a quick glance back at Spicer Mansion before kicking the jet into full throttle. Little did I know that would be the last I ever saw of my old home.

"Stupid Pandabubba. Hope he chokes on his own fat…"       

I grumbled to myself as I sat on an uncomfortable bench in Victoria Harbour. The lights from the elevated skyscrapers made the harbor shine to contrast the nighttime overcast. It was already beginning to drizzle as I tried not to let the crappy weather get to me while snacking on one of the many pudding cups I purchased from the store.

In hindsight, I should've known better than to make a deal with Hong Kong's criminal underworld kingpin. Especially taking into account his habit of double-crossing me in the past. But I didn't have much of a choice given that I already spent the last of my million dollar allowance on junk food and robot parts. That meant I had to drop to my knees and beg the living tub of lard for another loan.

However, with no Shen Gong Wu to use as collateral, Pandabubba was reluctant. Though he did come up with a way for me to cover the debt. It was the very reason I was sitting in the rain waiting for the JackBots to come pick me up instead of flying home myself.

The mobster didn't seem to care that the hover jet was my only ride home. In fact, he took delight out of seeing me squirm for reconsideration. And since my HeliBot was on the fritz from having it slammed into a shelf by Wuya, I had no means of flying home. So I sent a distress signal for a small detachment of JackBots to come and get me.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that my house was located far away in the countryside? One of the secret downsides to living with a well-off family.

"Man, does evil have its struggles…” I said to myself after tossing the empty pudding cup aside. “But that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw in the towel! Whenever there's a nefarious scheme to be hatched or a good guy who needs a good kick in the pants, I'll be the one to do it, baby!"

Actually, that’s got me thinking about something recently. Maybe I would be better off just dropping out of this whole Shen Gong Wu fetch quest. When you really stop to think it over, this scavenger hunt has only been delaying my master plan instead of speeding it along. The more I dwell on it, the more I realize I could've ruled the world years ago had I just stuck to my guns.

Besides, who needs magical antiques when you've got science and killer robots on your side? I am Jack-freakin'-Spicer, baby, and the Earth is putty in my hands! It's just me, myself, and I against the world; I'm the only friend I'll ever need! I'll show them, I'll show them all who I am and what I'm made of! So long, Xiaolin Losers! See ya, Chase Young! Hasta la vista, Wuya! It's time I go back to the drawing board! I believe this calls for a celebratory evil laugh for sinister things to come~

However, before I could divulge my trademark evil laugh with the citizens of Hong Kong, I noticed something strange out of the corner of my eye. It looked like a girl crossing the road and…

"Hey, is that – is that truck gonna stop!?"

To this day, I still don't understand what made me to act so out of character that night. I mean, a bona fide bad guy playing the role of hero for no rhyme or reason? It's illogical…

Regardless of what came over me, I jumped off of the bench, knocked over the idiots hogging the sidewalk, pushed the girl out of the way…

And then everything went black.

…

Until my eyes shot wide open.

The first thing I did upon regaining consciousness was to protect my face with my arms and shriek in craze-fueled terror.

Upon realizing that there was no truck coming right for me, I eventually took the time to notice something off about my surroundings.

It didn't look like I was anywhere in a hospital. Or anywhere on planet Earth for that matter. Or just anywhere in general.

I found myself sitting on a simple wooden chair facing a white, fancier chair with a matching nightstand. From what I could tell, I was in the middle of a void with endless black as far as the eye could see. The only other noteworthy detail about this place was the checker-patterned floor with a light mist covering it.

Other than the lack of floating Chinese characters, this area (if that was even the right word for it) was eerily similar to the Ying-Yang World…

Seriously, what the actual hell was going on?

"Oh – I know! This must be a bad dream! Yep, I must've made it back home, gorged on pudding, and now I'm having a food-induced nightmare. Wouldn't be the first time."

But if this was a dream, then why weren't my pinches waking me up already? I was about to start slapping myself silly when a serene, feminine voice broke through the uncomfortable dull hum of the void.

"Jackson Spicer, welcome to the afterlife."

I turned my head and, lo and behold, there was another living person here. As the stranger emerged from the darkness, I could see that it was indeed a girl judging by the voice from earlier.

Actually, describing her simply as "a girl" wouldn't do her justice. She surpassed any Earthly woman, and she didn't look too far off from my age either.

It was weird, she gave off this immense aura of…divinity. It was similar to Wuya’s, except this aura was pleasantly sweet instead of sickeningly gut-wrenching (even when she was in her admittedly attractive human form).

Her hair was light blue, with a loop cropped up on the top by a hair clip shaped like a water molecule. Her outfit consisted of a navy-blue vest with detached white sleeves, a ridiculously short miniskirt, dark blue boots that went up to her knees, and white tube socks. She also had a translucent pink scarf of some kind wrapped under shoulders too.

But when she walked past me, I made a startling discovery.

She didn’t appear to be wearing underwear…

Or maybe she was and the lighting made them blend into the shadows of her ass. Either way, that discovery combined with her supernatural beauty was making a certain…"lab assistant" of mine very happy downstairs.

Hey, don't judge me! I'm an albino who's had both sides of the playing field avoid him like he was the plague. Cut me some slack. At least I had the decency to cross my legs when it happened.

Anyway, the blue-colored beauty sat on the white throne and crossed her leg over the other. Not sure whether I should feel thankful or teased.

"Your life was quite short. And now you are quite dead. My condolences."

"Oh…I'm dead? Well, I guess that makes sense."

…

"Wait – I’m WHAT!?"

The news was so sudden, I knocked over my chair and started pacing while rambling. "No, no, no, this cannot be real! I thought the good were supposed to die young, not the evil! I had so much I wanted to do with my life! I never got to fall in love, I never got to rule the world! There are still so many robots I have yet to – OH NO, MY BABIES! They'll power down and rust away without me to run maintenance checks on them-!"

I promptly tripped over the chair I had knocked over and fell flat on my face. After the pain subsided, I looked up to see if the heavenly hottie was still there. She had a bored expression on her face as if she had seen this song and dance before.

"You finished yet?"

I picked myself up off the ground and brushed my coat, acting as if she hadn't seen me freak out just then. Now that I had some time to take in the fact that I was no longer among the living, I decided now would be a good time to start asking some questions.

"So, uh…what about that girl I pushed out of the way of the truck?"

The supernatural babe was quick on the draw, "Oh, she's perfectly fine. In fact, she would've been fine even if you hadn't pushed her out of the way."

"…huh?"

She took a quick glance at a sheet of papers she had on a clipboard before continuing, "Yeah, trucks stopped at red lights don't usually pose much of a threat."

"Wait-wait-wait, time out for a sec," I sputtered, forming a time out signal with my hands. I needed a moment to wrap my head around what I was hearing. "If the truck wasn't moving...and I didn't get run over...then how did I die exactly?"

"Oh, you died of shock. You were so convinced you were gonna become that trucker's latest hood ornament, your brain promptly seized up and you had a heart attack."

As the blue thing explained the details of my untimely demise, her demeanor gradually changed. What was once an unreadable expression soon morphed into a restrained smirk, like she was trying to hold in a laugh. Which is why she eventually gave in and went into hysterics. I just stood there and watched, dumbfounded.

"Pfftt – hahahahahahaha! You were so scared, you peed yourself in the process! The girl you pushed away couldn’t stop snickering as she called for an ambulance! And when the doctors were writing down the cause of your death, they went into a riot!"

I covered my ears to block out the horrible truth. "Nope, not listening, can’t hear you, la-la-la-LAAA!"

She suddenly invaded my personal bubble, though I was too upset at the moment to properly register it. "The doctors had to phone in your parents and tell them the cause of your death. Even they were laughing!"

"NOOO! You're lying! Liar-liar pants on fire! This is not funny, I'm dead for crying out loud!"

The Crayola Bitch eventually composed herself as her chuckles finally subsided. "Alright, alright, I think I got it all out. Seriously, out of all the deceased humans I've met, you're the one with the funniest death yet! That should honestly be a reward!"

Who the hell does this monster think she is!?

Well, I'd get the answer to my question as she cleared her throat and resumed her "professional” attitude.

"Back to business. I am Aqua, the Goddess of Water. And the one in charge of guiding adolescents who die in Asia to the afterlife. I present to thee a choice: either be reincarnated back on Earth or allow me to send you to Heaven."

The girl, now known as Aqua, looked from side to side as if she were being watched. She covered one side of her mouth before whispering, "But I gotta tell ya, you'll be a bit disappointed with the second option."

"Huh? I will? Why?"

I mean, this is Heaven we're talking about. The Promised Land, Valhalla, whatever you wanna call it. I know I didn't really believe in any of that stuff before, but I also didn't believe in ghosts and magic until a few years back. Besides, at least it's not “H–E–Double Hockey Sticks” for me.

"You see…Heaven isn't as grand as you humans like to imagine. Your soul basically floats around in a sea of clouds. Nothing much to do except talk to others and bask in the sunlight for all eternity. There's no TV, video games, manga, food..."

Aqua shifted the tone of her voice into a more…seductive whisper as she puckered her lips before adding, "And since no one has a body, you can't have sex or do anything even remotely kinky~"

"A-Are you sure you're talking about Heaven and not my eternal damnation? Because the line between the two is starting to blur."

Aqua dropped the sexy voice when she spoke again. "Trust me, you're not the first to think that. Now, I suppose I could have your soul reincarnated into a monkey or something. But it kinda sucks to forget all about your previous life, doesn't it?"

Aqua thankfully got out of my face and flashed a confident grin my way. "That's why I've got a special deal for you! You look pale and look like you haven't slept in years; I take it you play a lot of video games?"

“Is a blue hedgehog's favorite food chili dogs~?"

"Well yeah, but what does that got to do with anything?"

"…"

Didn’t expect her to be a gamer. Or kind of an idiot for that matter.

"Yes, I play a lot of video games."

"Oh! Well why didn't you just say so? Use some common sense, boy."

Noob.

Suddenly, a spotlight coming from nowhere landed on Aqua as she dramatically explained her proposal in what had to have been a rehearsed manner.

"A long time ago, in a parallel universe far, far away…there exists a world filled to the brim with magic and wonder. However, in the midst of all that joy exists a tyrannical monster who would dare to take it all away: The Devil King! Peace and prosperity were threatened, and everyone lives in fear as the Devil King's army rampages, slaughters, rapes, pillages, and...more...more slaughters!"

Was she having a stroke or what?

"Basically, if you've ever played a JRPG, you'll have a keen grasp on what to do. Most people are too scared to risk dying twice, so they just opt to go to Heaven. As such, the Fantasy World’s population is on the decline. But if you choose to go, your memories and personality will be placed into a body exactly like the one you had before. It’ll be as though you never died! Plus, you’ll also get to have a 'cheat' to take with you. It could be a magic sword, a special power, or whatever else you can come up with. You’ll even receive a free wish from the gods if you defeat the Devil King! Pretty sweet deal if you ask me. So, whaddya say?"

I tuned back into reality and only now did I realize I hadn't been paying much attention.

"Sorry, I zoned out for a second. What were you saying?"

Aqua facepalmed before watering down her speech in an annoyed tone. "Fantasy World: good and happy. Devil King: mean and bad. You: go down there and kick his butt to receive a wish from the gods. Did you get all that or do I have to simplify it even more for you?"

"Oooohhhh, okay. I just have one question. Well, actually, I have a thousand questions, but this one is important. What about the language barrier? I practically had to stick my face in a travel dictionary just to get by living in Asia."

The goddess skipped to her throne and opened a drawer in the nightstand next to it. She pulled out a book of sorts and flipped to a page that had a bookmark in it. She skipped back over to me and placed it in my hands.

As I read through the contents of the chapter, Aqua offered me her cliff notes version. "We gods already have you covered in the language department. The nanosecond you step into the Fantasy World, your brain will be zapped with all the knowledge of the spoken and written languages. There is a small chance your brain won't handle it and you'll go ‘poof’ – but that's rare!"

"Wait, what about me going 'poof'?"

"Look, do you wanna go or do you wanna sit around and play Twenty Questions all day?"

Well…things just certainly got a whole lot more interesting. I'll admit, Aqua did a decent job of hooking me into the idea of sending me to what is basically a video game world. Even though I'm more of a sci-fi guy, I can get down with being blessed by a hot goddess (stuck-up as she is) to go on an epic quest.

Plu~us, if I can get this Satan wannabe out of the picture and get a free wish out of it, then I can wish to take his place and become the new Devil Queen! No Xiaolin Losers to stop me!

Oh man, I wanna laugh evilly so bad right now. But that might come off as suspicious with a goddess present, and I don't want to ruin my chances of getting in. So I'll just keep it in my head for the time being.

BwahahahahahahaHAAA!

"You've got yourself a deal, sister!"

"Hey, hurry it up. I don't have all eternity. Well, I do, but I don't want to spend it with you."

Aqua muttered something shockingly similar to something Wuya once said to me through a mouthful of potato chips. She had been sitting on her ass for about half an hour munching on junk food while I sorted through all of the written cheats to choose from on the floor.

"You're not the only human I need to send off, y'know. I got an hourly quota I need to surpass and you're holding up the line. You're just some self-absorbed otaku who spends his free time cooped up inside all day. It's not like anything you pick will matter…"

"Let the mastermind concentrate here, woman."

"Don't gimme no lip! You should know better than to speak so rudely to a divine goddess, human!"

I felt something small bounce off my head as I went about my business. I think she threw a potato chip at me. Doesn't matter, she's just a small steppingstone on the path to my victory. Once I select my blessing, I'll never have to see her again. Besides, I've heard better insults coming from Wuya and Chase.

Anyway, it was only taking so long to choose because there were simply too many options to consider. I started out with a basic system of placing the contracts in either a "Maybe" pile or a "No Way Jose" pile. Half an hour later and all the contracts I sorted through find themselves in the "Maybe" pile!

Also, let's not forget to mention that some of these powers and items are totally ripping off certain Shen Gong Wu. Don't believe me? Here's the description of some of these cheats verbatim:

A sacred sword that allows the wielder to bend the wind at their command. That's just the Sword of the Storm.

A light, casual shirt disguised as nigh-invulnerable chest armor. Can you say the Two-Ton Tunic?

A flying, papier-mâché dragon as a rideable companion. The Longi Kite.

The ability to predict your enemy’s every move. The Mind Reader Conch in a nutshell.

All these abilities and items are just bootlegs of Shen Gong Wu! Unless...it's the Wu that are the bootlegs of these abilities and items? Perhaps there are some things we’re not meant to know, like whether the chicken or the egg came first.

Philosophical questions aside, I wanted something nobody else would think of. Think, Jack, what's the last thing one would expect from a teenager in a pseudo-medieval fantasy land to have...?

I know! The power of technology! The one skill I excel at!

"Alright, I've got my own custom cheat I'd like to take with me please!"

Aqua put her chips away and said in a flat tone, "Well, that was thirty minutes of my life I won’t get back. Alright, what is it?"

"Get ready for this! I call it: 'Sandbox Mode'. I want it to be an ability where I can spawn all the necessary tools and equipment I need to make robots and other machinery."

"Done."

I blinked. "That's it?"

"Yup. You get your blessing once I send you to the Fantasy World."

"Oh...Weeeell, don't I at least get some starting gold or something?"

Aqua sighed, "Yeah, I guess you're right."

The goddess unenthusiastically rose out of her seat and magically spawned a small pouch in her hand, presumably filled with gold coins. I excitedly rushed over to pluck it out of her hand.

Before I could collect my booty, however, she raised it above her head with a sly smirk on her face. "I'll only give this to you if you say, 'Thank you for your kindness, Aqua-sama~'."

Really? She's making me beg like a dog? Also, I died in China, not Japan. And I'm American!

"Uh, you can't make me!"

My cries of defiance only served to amuse the water-themed goddess further as she retorted, "Just for that, you now have to say, 'I'm so sorry for disrespecting you, Aqua-senpai. I'm just a foolish little boy who doesn't know any better'!"

I've had enough.

I threw myself at her as we both rolled around on the floor, slapping one another and pulling at each other's hair. Sometime during our scuffle, there was a ray of light accompanied by a disembodied angelic choir that made us freeze in place. It was especially awkward for me because Aqua was halfway to pinning me down, and thus, she was sitting right on top of my stomach.

To detract the blood from rushing down south, I occupied my eyes by examining the apparent newcomer: an actual fucking angel, wings and all. No halo, though, so I'm guessing this one's not of the Christian variety? She had peach-colored hair, a pink dress that was somewhat skimpy, and a warm smile that could melt the hearts of even the most hardened criminals.

That is, of course, except for my greedy black heart. 'Cuz I'm a criminal mastermind.

Her pleasant smile suddenly turned into a confused frown when she witnessed us roughhousing on the floor. "Aqua-senpai? Is everything alright?"

"Stay out of this, rookie! I'm trying to ship this whiny bozo off to a grand adventure!"

"I'M NOT WHINY!"

Without warning, Aqua and I were both separated by an unseen force and each trapped within a glowing magic circle. Obviously just as confused, Aqua lashed out at the angel who now had this threatening aura about her. No joke, she looked like she was about ready to kill her at the drop of a hat.

"Hey, what's your deal!? What is this?!"

The murderous angel answered slowly, and with venom dripping from her words. "I have just returned from a meeting with the Council of Heaven. You were the subject matter of our little discussion, senpai. Your frequent mistreatment and harassment of departed souls has been tolerated for long enough. I am now reassigned to guide humans who pass on in Asia to the afterlife until further notice."

"WHAT!?" screeched the blue banshee. "If the meeting was about me, then how come I wasn't invited to defend myself? I wasn't even made aware of it!"

"If I'm being brutally honest, Aqua? We knew our words would never reach through to that thick skull of yours. It seems the only way for you to learn your lesson is if you learn it the hard way. As such, the Council agreed a fitting punishment for you would be to adventure with the next human you meet. Think of it as your redemption arc. Should you and this young man succeed in your quest to vanquish the Devil King, you may return and have your position of guiding departed souls back."

Aqua banged on the invisible barrier surrounding her and began blubbering like a baby. "Nooo! You bitch! I'm your senior, you're ranked lower than me! Why do I have to go with this clown!?"

"Hey, uh, still in the room over here."

Aqua had rivers of tears streaming down her face as she begged the angel to reconsider. C'mon, lady, at least I had the dignity to hold in my tears when trying the same thing on Pandabubba.

"Fare thee well, young travelers! I pray your journey will be an eventful one!"

The angel beseeched us goodbye as we began to rise up into the air. I glanced over at the lame excuse for a goddess with a smirk and gloated.

"Looks like this is karma for all the mean stuff you said to me earlier. Let this be a lesson: don't mess with Jack Spicer!"

Aqua and I teleported out of Purgatory in an enveloping glow, with her crying her eyes out and me laughing evilly the whole way through.

Chapter Text

When I opened my eyes, I had to immediately squint them due to the bright intensity of the sunlight beaming down on my pale face.

What the hell was up with that, huh? Hong Kong's weather forecast called for cloudy with a chance of rain. Hence why I didn't bring my sunblock with me! Well, at least I'm still wearing my contact lenses, otherwise I'd really be boned…

Wait a minute…sunlight at 10 P.M.? That can’t be right.

My photosensitive eyes eventually adjusted to the brightness, and I could see now that wherever I was, it wasn’t Hong Kong. The area had the same nuances that would fit right into your stereotypical fantasy RPG town: medieval-style architecture, cobblestone roads, horse-drawn carriages, the works. People equipped with outdated clothes and tools casually walked and talked amongst the mainstream of citizens and vendors alike.

Wherever I was, all signs pointed to this place being nothing more than a pre-industrial, backwater society with no connection to the modern outside world. Whoop-de-freaking-do…

Then it all came rushing back to me. The botched Saturday…pudding cups…my embarrassing death…Purgatory, goddesses, and reincarnation, oh my!

This wasn't some nowhere village untouched by time…This was a normal settlement located in an entirely. Separate. UNIVERSE!

I geeked out, “Oh man, this is so COOL! I've always wanted to travel to a parallel universe! But all my particle accelerators never had enough horsepower to rip through the fabric of space-time, even with the Eye of Dashi as a battery!"

A distressing, high-pitched whine alerted me to the presence of someone standing right beside me. Oh yeah, it was that Aqua chick from before. Except now she was missing her pink scarf and her head was hanging low, causing her flowing blue hair to obscure her face.

Eh, not my problem. Anyway, time to begin my new, adventurous, and most importantly solo life in a foreign world! Just like an upcoming isekai protagonist! Or should I say...an upcoming isekai antagonist~? Huh~?  Yeah.

"Man, where do I even begin?" I babbled excitedly to myself. "Maybe go explore downtown for a bit? Or should I try my hand at chatting it up with the locals? I wonder if there's some kind of charisma skill tree for that? I'm not exactly the best at making conversation with something that isn't a machine. Oh, oh! I know, I know! I should make my first mark in this world by claiming this town as my new evil base of operati-!”

Suddenly, like a bat out of hell, Aqua took to invading my personal space, nearly startling me half to (second) death. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me as tears and dribble leaked out of her eyes and mouth. She was so disruptive, some of the nearby locals stopped what they were doing to openly stare at us. Not exactly the first impression I wanted to give to my soon-to-be loyal subjects. This deranged woman was making me look bad, and not in the good way!

I pushed the crying menace out of my personal bubble and barked, "Get a grip, would ya!? Sheesh, you're even worse than me when it comes to public outbursts. And that's saying something."

The self-proclaimed goddess resorted to sniffling and whimpering instead of actually responding.

"…Okay, I can see you're busy having an existential crisis. You have fun with that. In the meantime, I'm gonna scope out the area and move on with my life. See you never!"

"WAIT!"

Before I could begin taking my first steps in this alien reality, I felt my right sleeve being tugged back, forcing me to hold my horses. I glanced back around to find Aqua holding my trench coat captive. Her face was still as wet and snotty as ever.

"B-But I don't k-know what to d-do here," she hiccupped miserably. "Besides, you're the one who got me into this mess in the first place! Now we're both stranded here!"

"Correction: you're the one who's stranded. I came here by choice, and I plan on making the most of it. You can go do whatever you want though, I don't really care. Just as long as it stays faaar away from me."

"Nonononono – please don't leave me all alone, Spicer-san! Please, please, PLEASE!"

I was beginning to get real annoyed with her stubborn attitude. "Look, why do you insist on staying with me when it's obvious you don't wanna be here? Why not just, I dunno, ascend into the clouds and go back home to Heaven already?"

"Were you not listening to a thing that angel newbie was saying!?" Aqua exclaimed. "I've been exiled! I can't go home until the Devil King is defeated! And to make things even more tragic, most of my top-tier goddess powers have been locked away now that I'm stuck here in the mortal realm!"

Aqua's grip on my sleeve further tightened. She looked down at the ground and shook her head in a "No" motion, all while muttering that very word to herself on loop.

Well…shit. It seems this crybaby was going to be harder to get rid of than cockroaches. I mean, why shouldn't I be allowed to go at it on my own, huh? I've had it with partnerships! They always end the same way: with me getting thrown under the bus! Even though I've only just met Aqua, I can already tell she's gonna toss me aside the moment she deems my services "unnecessary". If there's one thing I've picked up on from my time hanging out with Chase and Wuya, it's to never trust anyone. Least of all immortals.

I was about to lecture Aqua on this when I heard her hiccup and sniffle quietly to herself. She wiped her nose on her sleeve and looked up at me with wet eyes. From where I was standing, she really did look a lot like a lost child, all scared and confused.

A lot like me whenever I was at my lowest, now that I think about it…

…

Alright…I know I'm gonna regret this later…but I'll take her in. Not out of the goodness of my greedy black heart, mind you. But because it would be (admittedly) dangerous to jump straight into the jaws of the unknown without some guidance. However, the moment I get my robots in production, she's outta here. No exceptions. Count on it.

"Fine."

Aqua blinked away her tears at the sound of my voice.

"I'll let you tag along with me on my adventure. But know that I will be the brains behind this operation. I'm the one in charge here, and whatever I say, you have to go through with it. Got it?"

Raising her fists, Aqua nodded at me with sharp eyes and renewed vigor.

"Cool. Now, in all my years playing video games, I've played Warcraft for a total playtime of around ten minutes. So if this place is anything like an MMORPG, there's bound to be a guild for starters to join. Let's go talk to some expository NPCs and get some intel on our location."

Aqua looked at me as though I had some other genetic disorder besides albinism and plainly stated, "I don't get it..."

"What don't you get?" I asked.

"How are you so calm?" she elaborated. "When I first met you, you were shaking like a cornered animal. Now you're all rational and stuff? The paperwork said you were supposed to be an emotional, shut-in NEET. So why are you so level-headed right now?"

NEET? Doesn't that stand for "Not in Education, Employment, or Training"…?

Where does this woman get off calling me a jobless hermit!? I have a job, it's evil entrepreneurship, thank you very much! And yeah, sometimes I skip school, but that's only because I'm a genius who’s got bigger fish to fry. I can't waste my time getting bogged down by something as pointless as homework.

"First of all, leave only constructive criticism next time. What you said was completely uncalled for. Second of all, I'm known as a super evil genius for a reason; knowledge is the most powerful weapon anyone can wield. And finally, I go outside, thereby making me unfit to be a shut-in. Now, in the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

With my killer impression said and done, I began my search for something that resembled a guild. Aqua lagged behind me not too long after.

"Okay, but just so you know, masquerading as a supervillain doesn't count as a real job," she said matter-of-factly.

"Jeez, you sound like my dad," I shot back. "I am too a supervillain. Maybe not in body, but I sure as hell am in mind and spirit. Haven't you ever heard of Lex Luthor?"

"No. But I've heard of mental institutions."

I waved my hand dismissively. "Aw, what do you know? You're just the 'Goddess of Liquids'."

That definitely rustled her jimmies. "That's Goddess of Water to you. And you better give me the proper respect I deserve or you'll suffer at the hands of my divine retribution! Also, while I don't mind you calling me by my holy race, just stick with Aqua. I don't want everybody around here to freak out over my presence."

"Whatever floats your boat, Noah."

As we crossed over a small stone bridge, we found ourselves in a shopping district. There were stands selling everything from homemade weapons to potions likely brewed by snake oilers. So far, this town was proving to be my kind of place.

I spotted a man selling a comically large piece of mutton to a single mother of five. Might as well start the reconnaissance mission there.

I walked up to the meat peddler all casual-like after the family left and leaned against the counter, bad boy style.

"Hello, young man! What can I get you on this fine day?" he asked.

"Some basic exposition."

"…I'm sorry?"

"Oh, you know: worldbuilding dialogue, names of important people and places, the usual background NPC talk."

I opened my eyes to sneak a peek at the guy. My doubts on the locals behaving like video game AI began to grow when I saw his reaction. It was...less than pleasant.

"Look, kid, I don't really know what you're talking about, but I think get it. You show up to town looking for opportunities and that all of a sudden makes you think you own the damn place. I've dealt with enough brats like you to know one when I see one. So unless you're here to purchase my goods, GET LOST!"

"YEAH! You're holding up the line, punk!"

I gave myself whiplash as I discovered said line behind me. Disgruntled locals of larger size were definitely present and definitely not happy to see me. I excused myself before things could get ugly.

As I kept my eyes downward, I saw blue high heel boots enter my field of vision accompanied with a smug voice. "Smooth move back there, Prince Charming~ How about you let a goddess as charismatic as me do most of the talking, hmm~?"

So much for gamer's intuition…

After letting Aqua take the wheel for a bit, we eventually learned that we were in the Kingdom of Belzerg. The town we spawned in was the apparently a renowned city for all rookie adventurers: Axel Town. It was a city far enough away from the Devil King's castle to become a thriving trading hub in the middle of a migration route. Apparently, anybody who's anybody starts off in this circular town before joining the frontlines of the war or moving on with their lives.

Also, we found out where we needed to go to locate the Adventurer's Guild. We followed the directions given, and soon made it to the main town plaza. Dead center was an all-encompassing, two-story tall building.

Welp…no point standing around and risk getting a sunburn. Aqua and I stepped up to the large wooden doors and let ourselves in.

The moment we were inside, a waitress greeted us cheerfully. "Hi, welcome to the Adventurer's Guild! If you're here to eat, grab a seat where you can. Or, if you're looking for work, head on over to the counter." She then scurried off to presumably go take orders, leaving us to take in the scene.

Men and women of all shapes and sizes ate together at tables while waitresses served them their drinks and food. There were candlelit lamp posts, a second-floor balcony, a bulletin board with flyers, and several large statues of icons I didn't recognize.

If I had to sum up the overall vibe of this place, I would say…thrilling. A little rough around the edges, but kind of inviting for the most part.

"HEY YOU! Ghoul boy!"

Aqua and I both squeaked and directed our attention to a lone man sitting at a table close to the entrance.

He had a rough, scary-looking face and muscular body to compliment. The only clothes he had on were metal shoes, green pants, pink suspenders, and shoulder armor. But by far the most noticeable feature of this man was his tall, maroon mohawk and matching beard/mustache combo.

He stared at us judgingly with his intimidating face before grunting, "Y'all got some weird-ass clothes on ya. I take it you two are from outta town?"

God, even his voice alone was putting me on edge. He hasn't even stood up and already he's triggering my fight-or-flight response (and I think we all know which of those two options I would choose).

"Yeah, err…you could say that. M-My friend and I are trying to…sign up to become adventurers. W-We're gonna help take down the…Devil King?"

The buff man four times my size stared at me as if I had just said something to piss him off. So this is how I die for the second time today, huh? So much for second chances.

He suddenly whipped his head all the way back and let loose a hearty laugh. It was a reaction so out of left field, it made me flinch in response. After he had his fun, he smiled at me and spoke in a more relaxed manner.

"I only just met you, and you've already proven to be funny as all get out! Haven't had a good laugh like that in ages. You and your lady friend don't look like folks who could take down the Devil King – but hey, it's your funeral! Welcome to the gates of Hell, my friend!"

Mohawk Man then jabbed a thumb behind his shoulder. "Just talk with Luna over at the guild administration desk. She's the cute blonde chick with a heart o' gold. Ya can't miss her or those jugs!"

Without saying anything back, I briskly walked away, Aqua was not far behind me.

Well, that was…a thing. What was up with that guy? He seemed to be – in his own way – friendly, I guess. But for some reason, I felt uneasy around him. I don't know, maybe I'm just being paranoid like usual. After all, I am in a foreign country, one which no doubt has its own set of cultural norms. Hopefully, with that in mind, the experience shouldn't be all that different from moving to China.

At any rate, we shuffled our way over to the admission desks. Behind one of the free spots was a blonde woman wearing a red bowtie and white, buttoned-up shirt that exposed her shoulders along with...a generous amount of her cleavage.

Don't. Stare. Jack…Much.

Unaware of the internal crisis going on inside my pants, the receptionist named Luna greeted us with a chipper tone. "Hello! Welcome to Axel Town’s Adventurer's Guild! How may I help you?"

I wanted to get this over with and take a cold shower, so I answered bluntly, "Yeah, hi, we were told to come to you if we wanted to apply for adventuring."

"I can help with that! The registration fee is 5,000 eris, please."

If I had to take a shot in the dark, I'd say that was the local unit of currency around here. If so, then I'm already screwed because my wallet's dry. I didn't have anything else on me other than pocket lint, and I doubt they accepted that.

Swallowing my pride, I turned to Aqua and asked if she still had that money pouch from before. She huffed in annoyance while patting herself down.

"What am I to you, a charity? Anyway, of course I have the money! I wouldn't be stupid enough to forget something…that…important…"

Aqua lowered her head and discovered a newfound interest in her boots as she stood stiff like the statues in the room.

"You forgot it, didn't you?"

"…I might've dropped it when we were fighting…"

Somebody shoot me now.

Luna must've caught on to our situation because the next thing she said helped to restore my faith in humanity. "If you lack the sufficient funds, the guild has employed a system of indentured servitude to aid those in need. A week of community service should be enough to pay back the debt, and it just so happens that we have one available slot left open."

Yes!

"Alright, what is it?"

"Manual labor at the construction site!"

No!

A full week of manual labor without the aid of my BuilderBots? I didn't have my soul transcend across the multiverse just to become a pack mule for a buncha meatheads!

But, seeing as how we were desperate for cash, Aqua and I reluctantly accepted the offer. Luna beamed at us and exited the booth behind the counter.

"Excellent! Now, if you would kindly stick your hand over the crystal, it'll scan all of your traits and attributes."

She motioned to a little wooden stand right next to her workspace. It was just a blue orb with simplistic sprocket-wheels embedded around it. Odd to say the least. But I did as instructed and stuck my hand over it.

"Am I doing this right?"

The crystal shined a bright blue as the sprockets surrounding it started turning and spinning. A small thin needle underneath the orb did something akin to a black hole absorbing a star. If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say the needle was harnessing the magical properties of the crystal and using that borrowed power to shoot a small, concentrated beam of energy at the blank card resting below it. The laser was automatically aimed to wherever it needed signing, and by the time the process was finished, the blank card looked an awful lot like an ID.

The girls must've noticed my bewildered expression because they giggled at me. But how could I not hide my amazement after witnessing that!? That weird little gizmo just laser-printed all my personal info onto an index card! It would seem technology was indeed a thing around here, except it was less mechanical and more magical. Either way, that wasn’t gonna stop me from finding out what makes it tick! I've studied enough Shen Gong Wu to develop a shaky foundation on the principles of magic from a scientific perspective; I know it can be done!

"Holy crap, that was so cool! What was that thing, some kind of magic printer?"

Luna attempted to hold in her giggles as she picked up my card. "I've rarely come across anyone who doesn't know what these things are. But to answer your question, they're just magical tools that every guild uses to make new Adventurer Cards. It makes it more difficult for dishonest folk to try and make forgeries. Anyway, allow me to explain how this adventuring business works."

Aww man, tutorials? Where's a skip button when you need it?

"The 'Adventurer' is a generic starting class, and your skills play a vital role in your survival. Which brings us to your Adventurer Card: a form of ID that keeps track of your Level based on all the monsters you've killed or consumed. When your Level increases, you'll earn skill points you can trade in to learn new skills. Work hard and you'll raise your Level in no time! Now how about we take a peek at your stats, hmm?"

Luna began to read through my card. Oh man, I'm getting all giddy!

"Let's see here…Jackson Edward Spicer. That's an interesting name you've got, sounds foreign."

Ew. Don't ever call me Jackson or Edward. Ever. I much prefer the nickname, Jack, thank you. I can’t explain why, but it’s always had a certain snap to it that I liked. Very evil-sounding in my professional opinion.

"Ah, and here are your stats,” Luna announced. “Mostly average across the board."

Truth be told, part of me kind of expected that.

"Two notable stats that stick out are your intelligence and luck. You…you possess an astonishingly high intelligence! In all my time working here, I don't think I've ever seen a stat go that high before! Mr. Spicer…you're a genius in every sense of the word…"

The patrons and staff alike suddenly gathered behind us after hearing Luna's little outburst. I heard them all murmur about the "new smart kid in town". That would be me! I believe a gloat is in order.

"What can I say? It ain’t easy being a smarty."

"Unfortunately, it looks as though your luck stat is way below average."

Everyone went dead quiet after that. Looks like I gloated a bit too soon. That tends to happen a lot now that I think about it. At least I got my answer as to why.

Wait a minute…is that why I was on a Shen Gong Wu losing streak back home? Is that why I was born an albino? Is that why I have anxiety? All because I was predestined to be unlucky!? What the actual fuck!? If Lady Luck is represented as a goddess here, I'd like to vaporize her ass with one of my evil ray guns!

"I-It's okay, though, really! Luck isn't that essential of a stat for adventuring. Please don't look so mad, I'm terribly sorry!"

Huh? Oh, I guess my anger was reflected on my face. Really gotta work on that.

"Anyway, your stats will increase as you grow to higher Levels, so what you have right now isn't entirely set in stone. And even though you're temporarily stuck with the basic Adventurer class, you're free to switch to a better one at a higher Level. Personally, given your intelligence, I'd recommend something in the mage category. But that's just my humble opinion, I implore you to take it with a grain of salt. Hopefully, your luck stat will become just as high as your intelligence stat!"

Luna handed me my card as Aqua stepped up to get hers printed. While that was going on, I decided to look at the rest of my stats. Sure enough, they were all pretty average. At least all that fighting in Showdowns and robot construction helped to keep me somewhat active.

Hold the phone – it seems I've already got some skills displayed on here that Luna neglected to mention. I'll have to give this guild a negative review for subpar service. For now, though, let's see what I got in the way of skills:

One-Handed Swordsmanship: Raises proficiency with one-handed swords and other lightweight weapons.

Huh. Y'know, after reading that little blurb, I can already visualize all the different stances and techniques for single-handed sword combat. Even though I never studied it before! Weird…Still, would've been helpful in that one Showdown where I was pitted against lions in a Roman Colosseum. Along with Chase's jungle cats, I've been a dog person ever since.

Anyway, let's check out the other skill…Oh, hey! It's the cheat power I requested!

Sandbox Mode: Spawn raw materials needed to craft robotic-based weaponry and objects. Tools such as (but not limited to) drills, wrenches, and welding rods can be summoned at the cost of additional mana.

Mana? Isn't that the bread-like substance that supposedly came from God to supply the Israelites on their journey through the wild? No, wait, I'm thinking of "manna" with two n's. “Mana" just refers to magic in general I think. Guess learning about religion in History class wasn’t a complete waste of time after all.

"Oh my goodness!"

A cry from Luna made me look up from my Adventurer Card. Aqua had already gotten hers printed out and Luna was looking over it in disbelief. Aqua merely stood there just as confused as everybody else.

"Even though your intelligence and luck are at rock bottom, the rest of your stats are exceptionally high!"

Not realizing that Luna had basically called her dumb, Aqua cheered, "Awesome! Does that mean I'm super-duper amazing?"

"Amazing would be an understatement. Classes in the mage category require intelligence, so that's obviously out of the question. But other than that, you can choose from a multitude of advanced classes right from the get-go! Crusader, Swordmaster, Archpriest, most of them have already opened up for you!"

Aqua did that arrogant, popular girl hair flip thing I was all too familiar with while the other adventurers gawked at her.

"HAH! It's a shame there's no class for a goddess! I'd choose that one in a heartbeat. But what about that Archpriest thing? That sounded kinda interesting…"

Luna went into walking encyclopedia mode as she answered, "An Archpriest plays major support roles in healing their party with magic, but they're also strong enough to hold their own in the frontlines of battle. Overall, a very prestigious class."

"Then that settles it! From this day forward, I, Aqua, will become the greatest Archpriest the world has ever seen!"

The crowd surrounded the goddess incognito and cheered her on with compliments and praises. Aqua even encouraged them to keep up the kind words she was receiving, especially from all the flirty ones.

And guess who was left forgotten just as quickly as he was introduced? While everyone swarmed that spotlight-stealing attention whore, I got shoved into the sidelines. It wasn't fair, that should've been me getting told I was gonna do great things! She didn't even wanna be here!

…

You know what? Fuck it. Let Aqua have her little moment. Let the other adventurers sing her praises for now. Because when I become the new Devil King, they're gonna be worshiping me and no one else. I'll show them, they're gonna be sorry they looked over someone with a powerful mind like mine. I'll make sure of it…

Suddenly, the crowd opened a hole for Aqua to exit out of and she pointed at me with a look of confidence. "Jack, it's time for our lives as adventurers to begin!"

"I was under the impression you wanted no part of this…"

Without missing a beat, but certainly missing the hint, Aqua responded with, "Well, I like this part of it."

What a brainless bimbo.

My first week in this Fantasy World was anything but a fantasy. It was grueling.

Getting paired up with a whiny, self-centered, crybaby who expects everything to be handed to her on a silver platter was proving to be both infuriating and frustrating to an academic superior such as myself. I was starting to understand what it's like to be in Wuya's shoes (even though the expression would work better if she wasn't always barefoot).

Then there was having to work to pay off the friggin' debt. Becoming an indentured servant was something that never crossed my mind when I arrived in a parallel universe. Not only that, but the sleeping conditions were just as crappy. Literally. We had to sleep in an empty stable that was littered with horse droppings. I did clean it up and throw a sheet over the haystack, but that wasn't enough to get rid of the smell, nor did it do anything to drown out the animal noises.

But when I wasn't resting in a smelly stable or cleaning up actual shit, I was out breaking my back at the construction site. I was digging holes, lugging around heavy supplies, layering bricks, basically anything the workers could come up with. It was all too similar to the time I made the mistake of trying to turn good and become a Xiaolin monk.

Given my weaker physique, I was not up to the other workers’ standards, and they all gave me a ton of flak for it. Meatheads, all of 'em. At least they were paying for our meals at the Adventurer's Guild.

Although, that doesn't excuse the fact that all Aqua did was paint a few walls and flirt with the workers, who were more than willing to drop everything to talk to a pretty face. Y'know, now that I think about it, she really was like Wuya in some ways: both were demanding, naggy, and really only viable to me in one aspect. With Wuya, it was her ability to detect Shen Gong Wu. With Aqua, it was her healing spells, and even then she had the nerve to claim that her talents were going to waste!

I swear, a malfunctioning JackBot with no arms or photoreceptors would be more useful than this goddess has-been.

Speaking of JackBots, I've also been fiddling around with my custom cheat skill. I learned that all you need to do was say the name of the skill and it'll automatically do what its namesake entails. In the case of Sandbox Mode, it pulls up a menu not unlike Garry's Mod with literally everything I need to build robots. It takes up magic points to spawn simple things like metal alloys and electrical wires. Summoning tools uses up a good chunk of my magic and leaves me feeling as though I had been shot by the Woozy Shooter.

As I had hypothesized, "mana" was another term for magic points. Everyone in the Fantasy World has some mana stored within their bodies, and mana can only be restored by either resting or eating monster flesh (gnarly). It can also be restored artificially by drinking magic potions that can be purchased at any local magic shop.

Since the money that I earned (because Aqua did squat) was automatically deducted to pay for the registration fee, the only way for me to get my mana back was to sleep the night away. But even with me sweating my balls off at work every day, I still had too much energy left to burn. I did make an attempt to fall asleep sometimes, but I would just keep waking back up every minute by the hour. What pitiful amount of mana I could restore naturally was drained spawning simple items like screws and screwdrivers.

On the bright side, I did have enough materials to repair my HeliBot. So there's that. Gotta find the silver lining somewhere in a dead-end job.

A week later, Aqua and I were finally free of debt. The workers were kind enough to throw a party at the guild for my hard work, so that was cool. Unfortunately, Aqua had one too many drinks and puked out actual-I'm-not-even-kidding rainbows after the party. I had to be the one to help her wobble back to the stables.

Which leads me to where I am now: sitting on a stack of hay fixing my HeliBot with a drunk Aqua giggling to herself on our makeshift bed. I'll admit, it was a bit awkward at first for me to sleep next to someone with surreal beauty. But after getting to know her this past week, I got over it pretty quick. Besides, she's a drooling mess when she sleeps.

I was concentrating on repairing the spring lock system in my HeliBot when Aqua slurred, "Heehee~ Hey, Jackie. I've been – I've been thinkin' about stuff..."

I couldn't be bothered to look up from my work. "You mean you actually have enough brain cells to do that?"

"Aaahhh, shut your face. Anywho, let's say you an' me get up reeeeeeal early tomorrow and go on our very first quest together!"

...Okay, that was enough to make me look up at her as though she grew a second head. Which then started to cannibalize her first head.

"Already? But we're still Level 1. We don't even have gear or weapons."

Aqua sat up cross-legged and stared at me with lazy, unfocused eyes before saying, "Um, hel~lo, did you forget who I am? Am a goddess, silly! You don't gotta worry 'bout no stinky mean monsters with me around. You can count on me!"

For as amusing as her drunken stupor was, she did kinda make a valid point. She was a goddess from Heaven. Granted, she might’ve been demoted to a demigod since coming here, but there's no doubt she must have at least some divine tricks up her sleeve. With her in my ranks, conquering this planet could actually be a cinch!

Who knows, maybe she isn't so useless after all.

"Y'know what, Aqua, I think I might take you up on that-"

She passed out.

Call it a hunch, but I think she might be an alcoholic. Again, though, just a hunch.

Chapter Text

"C'mon, you big wuss!" Aqua badgered. "This quest is offering 100,000 eris and all we gotta do is kill some weak little goblins! Don't wimp out on me now!"

After we overslept due to Aqua's hangover and me not being a morning person, we had to throw our clothes on and skip taking a bath just to make sure there were still some quests left. We may have smelled like the very stables we sleep in, but we'll live. Besides, unless it's the dead of night, I can't clean myself in a public bathhouse anyway. I respect my privacy too much to strip buck naked in a room full of toned, slender, nude men; they make me feel way too hot and bothered (and maybe a little inadequate).

I’m serious, if there's even one late-night straggler in the bathhouse with me, I can't bathe. I just have to awkwardly stand outside and wait for them to leave. God, I miss my old bathroom…

Anyway, we overslept and now we're paying the price for it. Most of the easy difficulty quests have already been taken by other noob adventurers. We were hard-pressed to find anything else that was within our current Level. That was until Aqua found a quest that seemed just right for us to start grinding. But once she mentioned that goblins were involved…

"Oh no, I am not taking the risk! Creepy mohawk guy told me there are these monsters called 'Beginner's Banes' that share a symbiotic relationship with goblins. They protect the little snots from predators, and the snots return the favor by using themselves as bait to lure beginners to the Beginner's Bane! It’s in the damn name for badness’ sake!"

"But we'll make quick and easy cash out of it!" Aqua argued.

"And that saber-toothed sugar daddy will make quick and easy snacks out of us!" I argued back.

The Archpriest/goddess slapped the flyer back onto the board while giving me a disappointing glare. "You know what? Fine, sissy! If you think you can pick a better quest, then go right ahead!"

I returned her glare with the evil eye before double-checking the board for something more doable.

Help me find my pet White Wolf! Last seen in the south residential district. Reward is 30,000 eris.

You mean there's a wild animal like that on the loose!? Call animal control, not adventurers fresh off the grill!

Seeking a tutor in swordsmanship for my son. Applicants must either be a Rune Knight or a Swordmaster. Pays 9,000 eris an hour.

That's what you get for homeschooling your son: unreliable strangers that pass you by.

Would you like to take part in my magical experiments? Only those with high HP or strong magical resistance need apply! Willing to pay 50,000 eris PLUS overtime to those who wish to stick around for more~

You'd have to be a hardcore masochist to sign up for something shady like that…

Man, all of these quests blow! They're either for advanced classes or thrill-seekers looking for an easy out. There's gotta be something we can work with here.

Wait – I may have found something. Near the bottom of the board, there was one last easy quest that nobody else took for some reason. Well, I'm sure there was a reason, but beggars can't be choosers.

I peeled off the flyer and read it to my blue-haired associate. "Try this one on for size: 'Giant Toad mating season has arrived. The beasts have been eating livestock outside the city fields. Kill five toads. Three-day deadline. 5,000 eris per toad. The meat will be given to the guild for future dinners'."

Aqua made a disgusted face and stuck her tongue out. "5,000 for an overgrown amphibian dead? We made that much during our week of community service! I don't think so."

And I thought I was stubborn.

"Would it kill ya to help me out here? It's the only manageable quest left we can do. Plus, we have three whole days before it's due – that gives us plenty of time! Can't be any worse than getting mauled."

"Why should someone as amazing as me have to come into contact with gross toads for so little money? I'm a goddess, everyone in the Axis Sect. worships me. I shouldn't have to lift a single finger on a quest this demeaning. I should be spoiled, spoiled, and spoiled rotten gosh darn it!"

Aren't you rotten already? For badness' sake, is this really what everyone saw me as back home?

For as much as I toyed with the idea of strangling this airhead, I still needed her help gaining XP if I wanted to survive. Besides, it's gonna take a while before my JackBots are up and running anyway. I need all the help I could get.

So, through clenched teeth, I hissed, "If you agree to this, I promise to do all of the work and you will get full credit for it. Deal?"

"See? That wasn't so difficult, now was it?"

Yes, excruciatingly so. And don't you dare give me that damn smile, it's way too nice and sincere for someone like you.

Just sigh and move on, Jack. Just sigh and move on…

"Alright, well, now that that's settled, we've got another problem on our hands: how are we gonna do this if we don't have any money for gear or weapons?"

Suddenly, a meek and timid voice tried to make its presence known to us.

"Um, e-excuse me? Is it alright if we h-help you…?"

Even though it failed in doing so, it was practically right next to us, so we turned to look.

Two teenagers stood before us, one boy and one girl. The guy was around my height and looked like he didn't really want to be here. His hair was brown and shaggy, his eyes were green, his skin somewhat pale (though nowhere near the level of mine), and he wore an ugly green tracksuit.

The voice trying to get our attention belonged to the girl. A small blush tinged her cheeks, and while she seemed like she wanted to be here, she also looked ready to flee if we so much as blinked. She had brown hair like the guy behind her, but had red eyes like mine. Her outfit consisted of a small black robe and pink miniskirt that went together with her red hair bows and pink necktie.

Also, it would be remiss of me if I neglected to mention her TIG OL BIDDIES! Holy moly, that chest combined with the cute demeanor was a deadly combo…

But in all seriousness, why am I suddenly meeting so many hot girls after my death on Earth? First it was Aqua, then Luna, now this chick. Are these three of my seventy-two virgins or what? But I'm not Islamic, nor am I all that religious to begin with. Must be sheer happenstance…

In fact, while we're on the subject, most of the men and women I've met in this one town alone were significantly more attractive than most people I've ever met on Earth (in my opinion). Seriously, if you were to compare anyone in Axel to anyone in, let's say, Medieval Europe, I'm sure you'd be able to spot the difference. Despite what those commercial fairy tales might spoon-feed you, people from the Middle Ages were ugly, unhygienic inbreds.

With that in mind, were humans in this universe just inherently more beautiful than humans on Earth? If so, that might explain the average-looking guy in the tracksuit. As if said tracksuit didn’t kind of give away his origins already. I may be new to this world, but I had a hunch that wasn’t standard attire around here.

"Jack!"

"Huh?"

Oh, it was Aqua. I got distracted by my own internal ramblings. That tends to happen sometimes…

"What's wrong with you? These guys were introducing themselves and you were just spacing out with a look on your face like you were constipated."

"I did not look like that!"

"Oh yes you did. I'll bring a camera next time to prove it!"

Ignore her, Jack. Just address your visitors and find out who they are. "Anyway, who are you guys again? I wasn't paying attention."

The red-eyed girl seemed to get even more flustered at that. "W-W-W-W-Wait, WHAT?! You mean, y-you didn't hear m-my introduction? I-I don't know if I have what it takes to d-do it again! It was already embarrassing enough doing it the first time!"

The guy in the tracksuit looked annoyed but placed a supporting hand on the girl's shoulder to shut her up. "Oi, Yunyun, chill. You already went through this same song and dance with me the first time we met; you don't need to keep doing it with every new person we meet."

"But it's my clan's sacred greeting ritual! What kind of future chief would I be if I didn't uphold my people's traditions!?"

"Look, you already did it once for them, so it's fine. I'll just reintroduce us for space cadet over here since he wasn't paying attention. Cool?"

"…C-Cool…"

He nodded, then turned to me. "Hey, I'm Satou Kazuma. And this is my partner, Yunyun. Nice to meet ya."

"Your name sounds distinctly Japanese,” I noted bluntly. “I take it you’re from Japan or have Japanese relatives?"

Satou seemed a little taken aback by what I said. He recovered quickly before responding, "Uh, y-yeah, actually. Does that mean you came from-"

"From Earth? You know it, homey! Represent our little blue ball, yo!" I joked while flashing him gang signs. He didn’t even crack a smile. Tough crowd.

Yunyun looked between the two of us in confusion. "Earth? I've never heard of that place before. What is it?"

I was about to nonchalantly blow her mind when Aqua butted into the conversation. "Well, Yunyun, Earth is a faraway country overseas and Japan is just one of many kingdoms there!"

"Oh, wow…They both sound so exotic…I hope that one day my travels will take me there!"

Aqua quickly pulled me aside and whispered into my ear, "Jack, you gotta understand, I've reincarnated hundreds of thousands of humans from Asia. Most of those humans had kids, and their kids had kids, and so on and so on. A good chunk of this world's population is made up of people who grew up not knowing where their ancestors really came from."

"So?"

"So how would you react if you found out most humans on Earth were actually the bastard children of beings from a parallel universe? You really think society would just take that in stride?"

"...no."

"Exactly. Now zip it!"

I suppose even a dope like Aqua was capable of making a fair point. We can't really afford having people running around in a panic, not until after I start conquering. Then they can flee all they like before I seize control. Still, it's pretty cool to find a fellow Earthling in this land.

We pulled apart from our impromptu huddle and that’s when I decided to ask these guys what they wanted from us. "So, was there a reason you came to us? I assume it wasn't just to say hi."

They just stood there and didn't say a word. It wasn't until Satou nudged Yunyun with his elbow that she finally gave me an answer.

"Oh! Right! Um…well, I couldn't help but notice you two working really hard at the construction site last week to pay off your debt. I…felt really bad, and I wanted to chip in by giving you some money. But every time I saw you guys working hard, I thought, 'Oh, they're way too busy. They'll probably just be annoyed with me if I try to make conversation'. So I ended up watching you work from the sidelines…"

Oh wow. Just…wow. I never thought I would meet somebody who could make me of all people look like a social butterfly in comparison. Evil partners don’t count in this context.

Satou seemed to be slowly losing his patience with Yunyun the longer she stalled. "Get to the point already, Yun…"

"Ah! Well, um, I – we, um – WE'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU MONEY FOR GEAR AND WEAPONS!"

…

"That works for us!" Aqua cheered.

"Yeah, uh, what she said," I admitted.

"See, Jack? Good things come to those who are me," Aqua said before turning to thank our two lifesavers. "Thank you, Yunyun-san! Thank you, Kazuma-san!"

"Oi, while I appreciate the honorifics, we're not on a given-name basis yet," Satou curtly reminded her. "Besides, this was Yunyun's idea, not mine. I'm mostly just doing this to help break her out of her shell."

As she was handing us enough eris for starter equipment, Yunyun shyly looked back to her green partner. "D-Did I do good, Kazuma? I didn't come off as too forceful, did I?"

"More like not forceful enough. You can't keep relying on me to speak your mind. Also, control your volume next time. I feel like there were people staring at me like I was scum for some reason."

Aqua suddenly asked, "Hey, hold up a sec…Aren't you that one creep who almost got arrested a few days ago for sexual harass-"

"I am an advocate of true gender equality. I have no qualms with using any tactics necessary to take down a female opponent. That girl wanted a fight, and she got one. Come on, Yunyun, we're leaving."

The skittish, red-eyed girl followed her partner behind like a lost puppy. Meanwhile, Aqua and I were left feeling slightly disturbed at that guy's calm defense for committing sexual harassment. What the hell did he even do…?

Eh, not my table. At least we can finally afford some equipment for our Giant Toad quest. So what if they're a little big? A dumb toad is still a dumb toad. And this quest was marked with easy difficulty stamps. This should be a piece of cake.

"AAAAAHHHHH! "

What was I thinking!? They're called Giant Toads for a reason! If I couldn't handle Giant Squirrels back home, what made me think these guys would've been easier!?

One of the green behemoths was chasing me through the green fields outside the walls of the city. With a dinky, short sword in hand, I bravely ran away from the enormous toad while letting out a guttural scream of manliness.

Meanwhile, Aqua was standing atop a small hill laughing her dumb little head off at my situation. "Jack, you look so funny running around like that! Hey, are you crying or sweating? I can't tell from over here!"

"SHUT UP!"

Another rumbling thud meant the toad was one hop closer to crushing me. If I didn't improvise soon, I was gonna get flattened into a flapME! I mean a flapJACK!

"Wait, what am I doing?” I suddenly asked myself. “I can fly. It can't get me up in the sky! It even rhymes!"

Pressing the hidden button on my skull buckle, my repaired HeliBot whirred to life for the first time in this world. The propellers lifted me away just as the toad was about to crush me. Hovering high above the green monstrosity, I decided to mock it.

"HAH! Suck it, Kermit wannabe!"

The toad responded by latching its stretchy, sticky tongue onto my leg.

"…I'm sorry for mislabeling you-!"

My apology didn't matter as I was quickly being dragged back down and into that gross thing's open mouth! In a flash of panicked thinking – err, I mean…in a moment of sheer brilliance, I sliced my sword through the toad's tongue and freed myself. It croaked in pain and aimless hopped around, trying to catch me in midair.

While hastily dodging, I called out to my support member who was doing anything but supporting. "I know what I said before about me doing all the work, but for the love of evil, stop twiddling your thumbs and HELP ME!"

The goddess disguised as an Archpriest actually giggled at my desperate cry for help. What a bitch!

"Very well then! I, Aqua, the Goddess of Water, shall save your scrawny white butt from peril! When I do, though, I expect you to address me as either Lady Aqua or Aqua-sama from henceforth! Then, you will convert to the Axis Sect. and pray to me before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Whenever I say so, you will always give me a portion of your food without whining; sharing is caring after all…"

Little did Aqua realize that the toad eventually lost interest in me and crept upon her as she prattled on about nonsense.

"I like my steak cooked medium rare with a trace of pink and lots of juice! When offering me baskets of fruit, I expect them to be both color-coded and alphabetized! I'm a bit of a neat freak when it comes to that stuff. Also-"

It opened its mouth, swallowed her, and lifted its head up to chew. I could see her stiff legs slowly sinking into the toad's green lips as it did this.

Guess I gotta save that loser now, huh? Some ace in the hole she turned out to be.

I flew over to the distracted amphibian while letting out a glass-shattering battle cry.

That…was…unpleasant.

Aqua sat on her knees crying, covered head to toe in a rancid slime that came out of the toad.

The large creature laid on its back behind me with puncture wounds dotting its flesh. Thankfully, it was rendered immobile while eating Aqua, so stabbing it was fairly easy.

But holy shit, I think this marks the first time I actually killed something that wasn't a spider (the only good spider is a dead one). I know it was just a large dumb beast with basic animal instincts, but still. It was a living creature that I mercilessly stabbed to death.

Honestly…I don't really know how to feel about that. I know hunters don't have a problem with shooting deer and shit, but I'm not a hunter: I'm a scientist. I was the person solely responsible for taking away the life of a living being more complex than a bug...

Wait, what am I thinking!? I'm Jack Spicer, Emperor of Darkness! Killing a Giant Toad shouldn't phase me at all! In fact, I should be flexing my status as a bad guy and kill anything that stands in my way!

…Y-Yeah…

I felt something gooey cling to my legs as something foul assaulted my nostrils. I looked down to see a mess of blue hair below me.

"Th-Thank you, Spicer-san, for saving me…Oh thank you, thank you, thank yoooooouuuuuu!"

Now Aqua was crying into my pant legs while expressing her gratitude in between hiccups.

I didn't know what exactly to do in these kinds of situations, so I settled with awkwardly patting her head. What else do you expect me to do? I have no experience in comforting women. Although, this woman was behaving more like a child, and I did have some experience in comforting my little cousin the rare times she got upset.

Come to think of it, what was Megan up to right now back on Earth? Same goes for my parents. Did they actually find my death funny? Why am I only now thinking about this…?

Aqua thankfully snapped me out of that depressing train of thought by standing up and inspecting herself. "Look at me…This isn't how a stunning goddess should be: totally drenched in icky slime! If my devoted Axis followers saw me in this disgusting state, word would spread that some lowly toad bested me, and they'd all lose their faith in me!"

"I'm surprised you still have followers given your track record."

A murderous glint flashed in Aqua's eyes, letting me know that I had just said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. In response, I valiantly tucked my head inside my high collar like a turtle and begged for mercy.

However, before I could brace myself for pain, she dashed away in the opposite direction towards a lone toad doing absolutely nothing. It only acknowledged her presence the moment she started shouting.

"You will know the power of the gods! How dare you bare your filthy fangs at us! How dare you challenge me! You will know regret in the pits of Hell, foul creature! GOD BLOW!"

Aqua's delicate right hand curled into a fist and caught on fire as she closed in on the toad!

"A lethal fist: one that carries a goddess's rage and sorrow! Whomever it strikes will perish!"

The raging immortal slammed her first into the thick belly of the toad. The result sent ripples across its abdomen and little more. The humongous amphibian looked down at Aqua like she was no big deal. 

A brief moment of silence passed before Aqua spoke again, albeit softly. "U-Upon closer inspection, you toads are actually really cute!"

It ate her.

"Goddamnit..."

After we trudged back to the guild, we agreed to recruit more party members to help us with our little toad dilemma. Side note: we had fried toad legs for dinner from the two that I had killed. Not half bad.

Aqua volunteered to make a help wanted poster to pin onto the quest board. She reassured me that everyone would come flocking to us because, "she was in the party".

That was nearly two days ago. Today was the deadline for the quest.

We sat at our usual table in the guild sulking it up and feeling pretty sorry for ourselves.

"Don't get me wrong, I like having a team of elitists as much as the next bad guy,” I tried to reassure. “But I think we might need to reconsider setting the bar a little bit lower."

"I don't get it…I made sure to include the very important detail that I'm in the group,” Aqua muttered to herself, seemingly tuning me out. “Why is nobody coming…?"

I glanced over at the quest board while Aqua was busy drowning in her own self-pity. From where I was sitting, combined with my poor eyesight, I couldn't make out a word of the chicken scratches she scribbled. But there was no need as I had already read it beforehand…

Immediate opening available in a cozy, harmonious party. If you wish to go on quests with Lady Aqua (the beautiful Archpriest) and her sickly pale assistant, then look no further!

"Ever since I joined this party, I've been happy every day! I definitely hit the JACKpot!" - John Doe

"After I joined Lady Aqua's party, I got over my terminal illness and became super popular!" - Jane Doe

Only adventurers in advanced classes will be considered. Beginners need not apply.

I rested my chin on the table as the two of us sat in dejected silence for a while.

If only I had the Sands of Time Shen Gong Wu with me! I know what I said before about not needing Wu anymore, but I can’t help but think of all the ways they could be useful to us right now! Like, with the Sands of Time, we could just bring our future selves to come help us! Although…knowing ourselves, they'd probably ask for money, which is what present Aqua and I are trying to earn to begin with...

Never mind, it was a stupid idea anyway.

Somebody had better show up soon or I’m resorting to robbery. Shouldn't be too hard to pull off. Whoever said "crime doesn't pay" was a goody two-shoes loser trying to make himself feel better while working at his dead-end job. Crime totally does pay, so long as you don't get caught.

"I saw your notice calling for adventurers."

Aqua and I paused our moping session as we stared wide-eyed at each other. Someone was actually giving us the time of day! Hope wasn’t dead yet! We excitedly sat up to see our new applicant…

Only for hope to fully die when we saw it was just a kid.

She couldn’t have been older than thirteen. She had rough, shoulder-length brown hair and a red eye patch covering her left eye, leaving the right red one exposed. Her brownish wizard hat had button eyes and a stitched mouth, giving it the appearance of a monster resting atop her head.

The rest of her attire was also wizard-like: a brown cloak, red gown with a belt, black choker, fingerless gloves similar to my own, and boots with bandages wrapping around her right leg. To top it off, she carried a wooden staff with a small blue orb defying gravity by levitating below the curved tip.

By the way, I was able to distinguish all those reds and browns easier due to the guild being well-lit. I have partial color blindness and I tend to get those two mixed up a lot in my dark house. Fuck you, albinism, for not allowing me to open a window to let sunlight in.

"I was informed that you were recruiting new members,” She spoke with steady confidence. “Is this true?"

I snapped out of my analytical trance and answered yes. The new girl smirked and covered half her face with her palm, leaving her middle and ring fingers apart for her right eye to peek out. The red eye eerily lit up and highlighted her shaded face with its demonic glow. I’m assuming it’s red because glowing brown eyes wouldn’t be as spooky.

"Then our meeting is a fate chosen by this world. It would seem that my search for suitable companions has come to an end! Tell me, do you request the powers of the one so unimaginable that she has been ostracized from the inhabitants of this realm? For where the wind blows, none dare to speak my name. Only those close enough and with a bond of a thousand stars may be allowed to say it…"

The girl dramatically swished her cloak aside before striking a pose. "For the world trembles at the name of Megumin! An Archwizard who wields Explosion: the most powerful, most feared, most deadly spell in all the land! No mortal could ever dare to challenge the might of my powers! If thou wish to align thyself with mine preeminence, stare into the ultimate abyss with me! But take heed, for if thou doth stare into the abyss, the abyss shalt stare into thee..."

Sweet evil and all that is melodramatic…

This kid…oozes with evil potential! I mean it – she could be a rising evil star one day! I know I behaved a lot like her in my early days of villainy. Bad times~

Aqua said something to me to catch my attention. "Just for the record, Jack, this is more or less what Yunyun's introductory greeting was like. Y'know, while you were too busy fantasizing about her boobs and all."

"AQUA! Innocent until proven guilty."

Megumin broke character at the mention of the name Yunyun. "Ugh, is that girl still pestering folks here with her social awkwardness? Wait – CRAP! The flow of my monologue! Hold on, please. Let me get back to where I was."

Megumin cupped her chin while tapping her foot in thinking mode, trying her hardest to remember her lines. I’m seeing more of myself in this little wizard kid with every passing second.

"Let's see…I'm past the part about my Explosion magic…I mentioned the abyss…Ah, right!” Megumin appeared to have found her groove as she cleared her throat and resumed monologuing. “Since my creation, the cosmos have wept under my influence! Everyone who has heard of my clan knows that I am their foremost prodigy! My lethal powers can demolish the tallest mountains, smash the hardest stones, and…wipe…out…armies…"

Barely finishing her rant, the young girl collapsed on the floor. Aqua quickly got up and knelt beside her while gingerly picking her up by the shoulders.

"Is, uh, falling flat on your face part of the monologue?” I asked. “If so, then it's not a great look for you. I'm speaking from experience here."

Megumin stood back up with the help of Aqua as her stomach audibly growled. "No…I just haven't eaten in three days. I'm dreadfully hungry..."

Yikes, no food for three whole days? I'd shrivel away if I went a day without snacks. And just like that, I now crave pudding cups. Where's YesBot when you need him!?

Oh, right, still on Earth with an empty snack pod…damn.

While I was lost in thought, Aqua decided to point something out about the red-eyed wizard. "Hey, since you're clearly a Crimson Demon, you wouldn't happen to be from the same village as Yunyun, would you?"

"If you're referring to the only village where literally every other Crimson Demon in Belzerg comes from, then yes,” Megumin stated rather dryly. “We both graduated from the academy and left to travel. But she ended up following me to Axel, much to my chagrin. It’s a long story."

Megumin briefly glanced in my direction. That glance, however, quickly shifted into a full-on stare. I could practically feel her gaze into my corrupt soul.

After what felt like an eternity, she drastically pointed a finger at me and her eyes lit up again. "You! You have red eyes too! Could you possibly be the descendant of a well traveled Crimson Demon by chance? Mixing our blood with outsiders could explain some of the physical differences, like your pale complexion and lack of brown hair."

I shook my head. "Nah, the eye color and skin tone are part of a genetic disorder I got from a lack of melanin. And I have no explanation for the hair color. But speaking of eyes, what's with the eyepatch? You goin' for a magical pirate look or something?"

Megumin dropped the kiddie act and suddenly spoke in a very serious tone which managed to send shivers down my spine.

"This eye patch is a seal. It is the only thing in the material world that can suppress my immense magical powers. Should it ever be removed, skies will crack, life will fall to ashes, and existence as we know it will be all for naught…"

Now, I've heard my fair share of grandiose, end-of-the-world tales back home. I've also happened to live through a handful of 'em. But nothing scared me more than the thought of no world left to conquer...besides spiders...and clowns...and enclosed spaces - never mind. 

"C-Christ, is that all true?" I asked.

Megumin casually shook her head. "No, that was a lie. I just wear it because I think it looks cool."

…

"I, uh, like your fingerless gloves…?" She complimented in an unsure manner.

"Hey, thanks! They're slick, aren't they? I like yours too."

"Thanks, man! We have good taste in fashion, don’t we?"

As we were rockin' our gloves, Aqua approached me from the side to say, "Just so we're all on the same page here, Megumin and Yunyun are a subspecies of human known as Crimson Demons. They're some of the most intelligent and skillful mages around. Also, the goofy names are like a cultural thing; they're all infamous for being natural-born chuunis."

Chuuni? Wait, I think I might've heard that term somewhere before...yeah, I remember. Back when I went to Japan to take the Zing Zom-Bone Shen Gong Wu, I overheard a couple of girls on the street call me that while giggling. At the time, I assumed they were calling me cute!

It wasn't until I returned home (after Kimiko mercifully un-zombified me, that is) that I took to the internet to find out what it meant. I won't get into the details of what happened next to preserve my dignity, but let's just say I didn't take the discovery too well...

“Chuuni” is short for “chuunibyou”, which is Japanese slang that roughly translates to "Middle School 2nd Year Syndrome". Kids and teens with this psychological phenomenon either act like know-it-alls or have delusions of grandeur. Think of it as the Japanese equivalent of someone going through their emo phase.

Now before anyone says anything, no, I am not a chuuni! Would a chuuni have the smarts to build advanced robots to help him conquer the planet? I don't think so. And just to prove my point, I'm not going online to research any supervillains that may meet that criteria. Not like I can, anyway.

"HEY! We Crimson Demons are a proud people! Where do you get off calling my name goofy!?” Megumin scolded Aqua. “Where I come from, everyone has completely normal names. It's everyone else outside of my clan that has strange naming conventions."

Honey, I know a morbidly obese ninja named “Tubbimura” and a cat-themed cat burglar named “Katnappé”. I've heard stranger names. But I'm gonna humor ya anyway.

"Oh yeah? Then what're your parents' names?"

Megumin randomly performed a strange pose while answering my question with a proud smile. "My mother is Yuiyui and my father is Hyoizaburoo!"

I take it back, there are always stranger names.

Just to distract myself from the awkwardness, I typed those names into my wrist device I was fortunate enough to still have on when I reincarnated. "Hey, uh, how do you spell those? Spell Check keeps autocorrecting them to 'Yo-yo' and 'Hasbro'. Heh, like the toy company…"

Before she could take the time to sound out every vowel sound for me, Megumin's stomach growled like one of Chase Young's panthers. She blushed a little in embarrassment.

Uh-oh, that was cute. Which means she still has some pureness in her. We'll have to nip that right in the bud as soon as we can. Don't want a bright, young villainess in training to go soft on me.

"Could I tell you after lunch first? I really need the energy before I pass out..."

I rolled my eyes and let her pick something out on the menu.

We grouped back outside after lunch to test Megumin's magical capabilities and determine if she was worthy enough to be on the team. Gotta say, though, I can only expect great things. Aqua and I checked out her Adventurer Card while she wolfed down her meal; most of her stats looked promising.

With my sword, Aqua's flower bud staff, and Megumin's wizard staff at the ready, we situated ourselves atop a hill scoping the area for more Giant Toads.

"Explosion is the strongest spell, and strong spells take the most time to conjure,” Megumin explained while brandishing her tool. “When we find a toad, I need you two to keep it at bay until I am done with my preparations."

It didn't take long for me to find our soon-to-be target. "Look! There's one! Just hopping around like he owns the place. Smug bastard..."

"Don't worry, guys. As a goddess, I've got you all covered!"

Megumin gave the blue twerp a strange look. "Hang on, you're a goddess?"

Aqua, you dumb-dumb, what happened to your own rule of staying undercover? Well, time for my invaluable improvisational skills to come into play.

"Yeah, um, ya see, Megumin, Aqua had a nasty breakup with her boyfriend recently. He used to call her his goddess all the time, and she kinda latched on to the pet name after he left. I'd say it's either a case of denial or it's her coping mechanism."

Thankfully, it was enough for the wizard to look at Aqua in a completely different light. "Oh, you poor thing..."

I turned to Aqua – who looked about ready to burst into tears – and offered her an apology shrug. Just when I thought she was gonna let me have it, her face soon morphed into fierce determination. She locked eyes with another toad that happened to be nearby, letting out a much better war cry than mine admittedly.

"I don't care if these things are resilient to my attacks, I refuse to be defeated by such a lowly adversary! I'll show you all the taste of a real goddess! Now tremble before me, creature! GOD REQUIEM!"

I'll spare you the details and just say it ate her again.

"Man, she really Jacked that one up...I have got to stop unintentionally insulting myself."

Suddenly, the wind started picking up as it strangely shifted around Megumin. I had to do a double take when I saw what looked like streams of outer space itself swirl into the crystal in her staff. Megumin stood completely still and tightly gripped her staff as she closed her eyes and chanted some kind of incantation.

"Darkness blacker than black and darker than dark,

I beseech thee, merge with my deep crimson. The time of awakening cometh.

Justice, fallen upon the infallible boundary, appears now as an intangible distortion!

Dance, dance, dance!

I desire for my torrent of power a destructive force: a destructive force without equal!

Return all creation to cinders and come from the abyss!

This is the mightiest means of attack known to man, the ultimate attack magic!"

Nine red cipher circles of varying sizes stacked above the toad she was aiming for. All it could do at that moment was stare up at them like a deer caught in the headlights.

"EX-PLOOOOOOO-SION!"

The circles unleashed a fiery column of heat and fire. I had to turn away in order to uphold the long-standing tradition of being too cool to look back at an explosion (and not just because my retinas would combust otherwise).

It was only after the ground stopped shaking that I dared myself to inspect Megumin's handiwork. The spot where the toad once stood was charred black and a large crater took its place….

After scooping my lower jaw up off the ground, I noticed the little pyrotechnician had fallen to the ground face first for some reason. I also noticed a sinkhole forming a little ways away from her as a toad emerged from the ground. Her Explosion must've woken it from its hibernation.

It noticed her limp body on the ground and proceeded to hop over to her.

Megumin managed to lift her head enough to say, "I forgot to mention, while Explosion magic is indeed very powerful, using it takes a lot of energy. I overexerted myself conjuring it, and now…well, I can barely move."

If I had a nickel for every time I got the short end of the stick, I'd be twice as rich as my family’s own company.

"Uh-oh, I wasn't counting on a toad to pop up nearby,” Megumin said in a tone that didn’t accurately portray her worry. “This is bad; I'll be eaten. Sorry, but could you please do something before-"

Before she could finish, the monster already had her upper torso in its mouth. All that left me with was two associates slowly being swallowed.

"And people wonder why I prefer to work with robots. Alright, better get these two bozos free-"

A huge thud from behind followed by the earth shaking again cut me off. Turning around slowly, I was met face-to-face with another toad staring down blankly at me. It licked its lips with its long tongue.

This world's food chain was so fucked up...

It was nightfall by the time we shambled our way back into town. I had to piggyback a mucus-covered Megumin while an equally mucus-covered Aqua lagged behind, whining about the smell. And she had every right to complain about that as the stench was nauseating.

Being eaten alive by a Giant Toad was mercifully not that painful. I had to deal with bouts of claustrophobia and PTSD from being eaten by Dojo, but at least it didn’t hurt. Eventually, I had to cut and stab my way out once I was squeezed into the beat’s stomach, then went to go cut the girls out. It was still horrible, gross, and stinky.

Every woman we passed by muttered something under their breaths and looked at me with either disgust, anger, fear, or some combination of the three. Was this not a regular sight for the townspeople? I assumed adventurers came home dirty and smelly all the time. It's not like we're out picking roses or something.

"Y'know, I won’t lie, Megumin, at first I thought your Explosion magic was the bomb – no pun intended,” I started after enough silence had passed between us. “But after seeing the aftermath, I gotta say, I'm a little letdown. Can't you use anything other than Explosion?"

"No."

I stopped dead in my tracks. Aqua wanted to ask why we were stopping, but I ignored her. This required my absolute full attention.

I twisted my head around so I could better face the brat that just said that to me point-blank. "You're joking."

"I have never been more serious in my entire life," She said with a straight face.

"But…but…why?"

Seriously, WHY!? Why would you do something so stupidly suicidal!? Answer me now before I drop you, you little turd!

Megumin pointed her finger straight up into the sky as she declared, "Because Crimson Demons are a proud and noble people! They have carried the title of Archwizards for many generations and only use the most advanced magic available! That is why I choose to exclusively use Explosion – the most powerful magical attack – and nothing else! All the other attack spells in the Detonation series of magic suck! Even if I can only use it once a day, so be it. I will DIE if I go a single day without casting Explosion! It may make my life of adventuring a tough path to walk, but that is the price I am willing to pay..."

Aqua applauded at the end of her speech and wiped away a few tears that were threatening to leak out of her eyes. "That was beautiful. I've never felt so inspired before in my life. Your motivation is completely bonkers but I love the passion behind it!"

The two girls smiled and gave a thumbs up to one another. I am so done.

But…in a way…I kinda see a little bit of myself in Megumin. Chase, Wuya, and the Xiaolin Monks would get on my back for not practicing martial arts or Shen Gong Wu. And I think my last argument with Wuya speaks for itself. Even though robots are inherently more beneficial in the long-term than Explosion magic, I really am no different to Megumin, am I?

"…I guess I can respect your drive too…" I conceded after a beat.

"Mmhmm! Explosion magic is the only kind of magic one needs in their life! I see you're smart cookie as well."

I felt the weight of Megumin's chin rest on my left shoulder as she quieted down. She spoke again, this time sounding less confident than before.

"So, now that I’ve displayed my powers for you to see, may I…um, may I join your party, please? Y-You don't even have to pay me in money, I'm perfectly fine with just being paid in food. That's all I ask. Honest…"

Aw crap! It's the universal weakness for every bad guy ever: empathy! Must…resist…Jack, must resist! You are evil to the bone and all the way down to your greedy black heart. Don't let the fact that you can relate to her influence your decision-making!

But then again, that Explosion really packs a punch-

No! After only one turn, she becomes dead weight. She's a liability.

Well…let's go over the pros and cons.

Pros: I'll have my own personal walking, talking nuke. She'll immediately increase the size of the party, thus making us stronger than we were before. And on top of it all, I could totally be her evil wingman.

Cons: She only knows one spell. She can only use that spell once per day. And worst of all, she becomes immobile and useless afterward.

So…do I want the glass cannon on my team or not? Hmmmmmm…

"Fine,” I said with a sigh. “I suppose you have what it takes to be a part of Jack Spicer's Evil Posse. Welcome aboard, Megumin."

I suddenly found myself being choked to death by a very happy camper clinging to my back.

"YES! YES! Thank you so much! I promise I'll be the best teammate you ever had!"

My only response was sputters of air escaping my closed-off windpipe. Thankfully, she got the message and loosened her grip on my neck, allowing me to breathe again..

As I gulped down gallons of much-needed oxygen, Megumin curiously asked, "By the way, what do you mean by 'Evil Posse' exactly?"

It was ultimately Aqua who answered for me, despite not giving her my consent to do so. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Playing the role of the bad guy is basically his main shtick. I think it might be the result of him never growing out of his chuuni phase; he used to be the western equivalent of a shut-in otaku. It's honestly really funny to watch how hard he tries to convince us that he's evil."

"Oooooh, okay. I think I get it. That does sound like fun!"

Aqua, you blue bimbo! You're ruining my chance of recruiting a villainous sidekick! Now she probably thinks I'm a wannabe!

"Don't listen to her! I'm bad to the bone – I swear!" I pleaded.

Megumin simply giggled and patted my head in response to my cries. "Whatever you say, 'bad guy'. I think you and I are going to get along just fine."

My reputation must really be in the toilet if not even kids will take me seriously.

But I'm not giving up hope yet. I'll get Megumin to see my true evil colors soon enough. Same goes for Aqua, too. I'm positive that once they come to understand my grand vision for the world, they'll become so enamored with the prospect of glory that they'll just have to follow my leadership without question! After all, these two seem like the sort of bunch that can be swayed in the right direction.

Or should I say…the wrong direction~? HehHehHeh…

After the girls took their much-needed baths, Megumin insisted on sleeping in her tent outside the walls due to her reason being that she needed some time alone to reflect on today's events. Aqua trudged back to the stable claiming to be too exhausted to eat dinner. So that just left me to be the one to cash in the completed quest for rewards.

I found out that I went from Level 1 to Level 6 like it was nothing. Luna explained that new adventurers tend to grow faster with their first kills. Again, it would've been helpful if she told me that during the real-time, unskippable tutorial I was forced to listen to. That receptionist is lucky her world hasn't invented Yelp, otherwise I would've left a strongly worded review of the guild already.

Anyway, the total cash reward for the quest came out to 25,000 eris for five dead toads. However, since Aqua and I spent 5,000 eris on dinner and the other 5,000 on lunch with our new team member, the leftover money was only a measly 15,000 eris. And I had to divide it evenly amongst three people.

Needless to say, I've earned the right to sulk alone at my table.

"If this were in USD, we'd be set for a while. But nooooo, it just has to relate more to the Japanese yen. So 15,000 eris is like, what? $140, give or take? That's chump change around here."

I slammed my head on the table and groaned loudly. "The sooner I finish my JackBots, the sooner I can start living on easy street..."

While absentmindedly studying the craftsmanship of the mahogany wood, I heard the distinct sound of metal clinging against itself. At first, I dismissed it as my imagination getting to work on forging robots, but the sound persisted and became louder until it stopped right behind me.

"Pardon me, but are you the pale assistant to the Archpriest named Aqua?"

Ugh, people. I can't stand those things. Why don't they just go away, can't they see I'm sulking here?

"Listen, I'm pooped out right now. So if you could just leeeeeeeeaaaaaa…."

My words trailed off the second I turned around to address the stranger. If I had to guess her age, I would say eighteen at the youngest. She had sparkling ocean-blue eyes and golden blonde hair, tied and groomed into a long ponytail that trailed down her back. Clad in clean white/yellow armor with a patch of angelic feathers on her right shoulder piece, the woman held the appearance of a strong yet sophisticated knight.

I would've believed anyone if they told me that she had been handpicked by King Arthur himself. Assuming sexual prejudice wasn't a thing in medieval Earth.

But seriously, who was this blonde bombshell and why was she talking to me of all people!? Look at her hair; god, I bet it's softer than any pillow imaginable. Her eyes could pierce through steel, yet they have a soft undertone of gentleness to them. And would you look at the shape and size of that breastplate-

NO! No funny thoughts, Jack! You cannot risk getting a boner right now, even if your coat covers your crotch!

"The request on the board stated you were the sickly pale assistant to the one who calls herself Aqua, yes?" she asked. Even when asking for confirmation, she was still professional and business-like.

"Uh, y-yeah. That's me. I'm Jack Spicer…Err, Teen…"

I look like a fool out there! I'm stuttering, I'm sweating bullets, and I screwed up on my evil title! Get it together, Jack!

The female knight somehow stood up even straighter and introduced herself. "I am Darkness, and my occupation is that of a Crusader. I serve under the good graces of the Goddess of Luck and Fortune, Eris, and so dutifully swear to eliminate any and all demons in this mortal realm."

If I somehow wasn't impressed before, I sure was now. Crusaders are some of the toughest classes out there, and this one was spending her time talking with a newbie like me. Could this be a sign that Lady Luck was finally giving me a pat on the back for a job well done?

Before I could dwell on it, Darkness suddenly exhaled as if she had been holding her breath. Her cheeks shifted into a tint of red and her hardened gaze softened as her eyes turned to-and-fro. She clenched her hands to her chest and continued speaking, this time through labored breath: as if the act of talking were a chore for her.

"I…also deal with any other monsters…or opponents really, so long as they're stronger than me. Hah, I-I do have a small confession to make, however. While I possess extraordinary strength, endurance, and stamina, I am rather clumsy. My main weapon is a two-handed long sword, yet, whenever I try to swing, I usually end up missing my targets...miserably~"

For as weird and unprecedented as Darkness's change in behavior was, I couldn't help but find myself morbidly curious. Was she just coming down with something? Her face was red, and it looked like she was burning up. No, that couldn’t be it. She looked completely healthy just a second ago.

"So, with that said…I was wondering…"

Darkness suddenly clasped her hands in front of her and bowed her head, catching me off guard.

"Could I please join your p-p-p-p-party!?"

Chapter Text

Females. Why, oh why, did it have to be females?

Now, I will admit, I am not the most socially intelligent person out there. This is coming from the guy who spent the majority of his childhood indoors talking to machines after all. I mean, there was the occasional online troll, but I hardly count them as real people. But even someone who wasn't socially inept could probably agree that women were just plain complicated. They tend to have a bad habit of utilizing tactical manipulation which, more often than not, goes over men's heads.

Generally speaking, males have a more mechanical mindset, processing only the base information given to them. So, if there's something they're not made aware of, they won't address it. And that tends to really rustles a woman's jimmies. It's partially why I lean slightly more towards men in terms of preferences. They're just more direct with what they want, y'know?

But now here comes a lady knight in a never-ending wave of hotties straight up begging to join my party! All while getting flustered over it. Even my brain, with all its insidious intellect, needed a minute to reboot.

This had to be the single best/worst thing that's happened to me since reincarnating. I mean, what was I supposed to do here? If my enemies were around to witness this, I'd take her in without so much as a second thought. I swear it would have nothing to do with peer pressure. Really, I swear.

But, realistically speaking, she would probably end up distracting me with her feminine wiles. So what is a teen genius to do?

…

I think…for the sake of my goals…as well as my sanity, it'd be best if I didn't rope her into this. Besides, I know she's way out of my league anyway. Can't believe I'm actually about to turn down a smoking hot babe, though. I genuinely suck sometimes...

"Err, sorry, ma'am, but I don't think-"

Darkness interrupted, "I couldn't help but notice that those two girls accompanying you earlier were drenched in some kind of mucus. Tell me, what horrors befell them to make that happen?"

Aaaaaaand going straight for the hard-hitting questions I see. If this knight thinks I was responsible for what happened to those two idiots, it was going to be a one-way trip to the dungeons for sure!

"O-Oh! That old thing? Uh, heheh, well...funny story about that – trust me, it's a real knee-slapper. We, uh, had a nasty encounter with some Giant Toads and-"

The Crusader gasped out loud in shock. At first I thought she was repulsed, but then again, people who are repulsed don't usually sport a mean blush and squeeze their eyes in...what was that? Pleasure?

Speaking of squeezing, that's exactly what she did to my forearm after she had her little moment. Ever had your arm get caught underneath a hydraulic press by mistake? Long story short, I had an accident in the lab one day and wasn't paying attention to my workspace. I'm fine now, the MedBots did wonders on me. But compared to the strength of Darkness's grip, I think I would happily relive that accident any day of the week.

"Th-That settles it!" she loudly blurted. "I implore you to sign me up on your team; I can start work immediately!"

"WOAH-WOAH-WOAH! Now wait a minute!" I shouted, trying to block out the pain of having my forearm crushed. "I'm flattered that you want this opening so bad, really, I am. But to be brutally honest with you, our team is...hot garbage. In fact, it's practically a dumpster fire right now..."

"I do not mind that."

"Yeah, well, we almost got eaten alive just this evening-"

Her grip somehow became stronger. I let out a strangled, high-pitched cry as a single teardrop slid down my cheek. I yearn for the hydraulic press now more than ever.

"I would not mind that either~!"

Darkness invaded my well-maintained personal bubble and got so up close in my face, our noses were just an inch away from sharing an Eskimo kiss. I-I don't know how to handle anything anymore, I'm scared!

"As I stated before, I am very clumsy and in no way good in swordplay. Why, just recently I was kicked out of an adventuring party for my atrocious accuracy. However, I insist that you let me join your party instead! I'll blend in so well with your trashy team, it'll be as though I'm not even there!"

I was currently basking in her hot, minty breath. Her face was burning up, her cheeks looked about as red as my hair, and her blue eyes bore holes into my red ones; a minuscule glimmer of insanity present within them.

I had to get out of there, pronto.

I scooped the money off the table as I nervously blabbed, "Yeah, uh, Darkness was it? I don't think tonight's really a good night to discuss this, I've got a splitting headache coming on. So if you don't mind, let's take a rain check on this, okay? Great, thanks, BYE!"

I already walked past her by the time I finished my rushed excuse. Out of the corner of my eye, I could've sworn I saw her face morph into confusion and…was there a hint of disappointment mixed in there?

Never mind. I got out of the guild and made a beeline for the stables where Aqua was already fast asleep. I skipped out on making the basic parts for my JackBots that night. Instead, I did a lot of tossing and turning in the haystack.

I...may or may not have had to take care of some "unfinished business" that same night too. No way was I going to risk the bathhouse just to take a cold shower.

"Another day, another dollar," I said to myself. "Or 'eris' I guess. Whatever they call their money here."

I told Aqua to head to the guild without me and that I'd meet up with her and Megumin later. I wanted to stay behind in the stables to get a head start on constructing endoskeletons for the JackBots, seeing as how certain...complications from last night disrupted my concentration. My goal was to transfer the backup memory files of the JackBots I was repairing on Earth (I'll figure out how later) and upload them into new bodies here in the Fantasy World. After that, I'll probably make some BuilderBots to help me build a secret evil lair once I improve upon my cheat skill.

After making decent progress in my work, I put on my contact lenses and went outside. As grateful as I am for having my contacts on me when I died, would it have killed the Council of Heaven or whatever to supply me with SPF 30? Even if this planet has a stronger ozone layer than Earth's, the sun's UV rays still pose a risk factor to my skin. I just hope there's a merchant around here that sells something similar to sunblock. Until then, I'll have to avoid staying outside longer than I have to during daylight hours.

Thankfully, the trip to the guild didn't take all that long and I soon returned to my natural environment: indoors. I scanned the crowd for my teammates and spotted Megumin over at the bar counter with Yunyun and Satou. She seemed to be in a heated argument with the pervy Japanese while his well-endowed friend sat quietly in her stool, like a timid child watching her parents fight. I may have to butt in just to see what's what.

As for Aqua…

"Nature's Beauty~!"

Ugh.

She was entertaining the patrons on the second-floor balcony. From what I could tell, the dope was magically popping water lilies out from her hands, with each flower spewing a small fountain of water. She was twirling them around while simultaneously waving Japanese paper fans. It sounded like the adventurers were enjoying her little circus performance.

Aqua noticed me observing her from down below and gleefully skipped to the rail of the balcony. "Jack, look! I used the last of my skill points to learn this new magic trick called 'Nature's Beauty'! Pretty fitting move for a water goddess, wouldn't ya say?"

I should be mad that she wasted the last of her precious skill points on a cheap parlor trick, but she already had most of the healing spells and that was all I cared about. If the support class wanted to goof off on her spare time, then let her. She'll become redundant anyway once I build MedBots.

I mumbled a halfhearted agreement and walked away before she had any time to say something back. Now, I was originally going to walk up to Megumin mid-sentence and ask her what all the fuss was about, but something told me I was better off eavesdropping. That way, I could get a better sense of the argument within its context and then ask for more juicy info once she was done blowing her top (figuratively speaking).

So, I casually stood a couple tables away and strained my ears to listen to what Megumin was snapping at Satou for.

"I swear to every benevolent and malevolent god that exists, if I find out you've been using her to pursue your own sexual advances-!"

"I already told you, I was just trying to straighten out her tie! And here you come barging in accusing me of fondling her tits!"

"Do you think I was born yesterday? I know your type and I keep up with the local gossip! You're the perv that commits lecherous acts against girls under the misguided pretense of 'gender equality'. No wonder people call you Kazutrash and Krapzuma!"

"Hey – WHO THE HELL HAS BEEN CALLING ME THAT!?"

"Um…guys? Don't I get a say in this?"

"Stay out of this this, Yunyun!" 

Once again, I couldn't help but feel for that Yunyun girl. Being fought over like a toy must not be fun for her at all. She needs to take some initiative if she wants to make it in the real world. I know I had to at a young age.

Also, was Satou Kazuma some kind of predator? I don't know the guy personally and I get the importance of not judging a book by its cover, but this is the second time I've heard of him assaulting girls. Maybe I should keep an eye out on him, just in case. Sexual assault is something I can't condone. You gotta draw a line in the evil sand somewhere.

Satou continued to defend himself. "Look, regardless of rumors, I'm not violating my partner. She saved my ass from a Giant Toad, I owe it to her. I just figured she needed a friend was all. Hell, I'm even trying to get her open up a little more; just so she doesn't walk down the road of a shut-in. Now could you please let us go already?"

Megumin stared long and hard at Satou. She broke her gaze to briefly glance at Yunyun, who became startled and looked down at the floor.

The little pyrotechnician sighed, "Alright, I'll take your word for it. But if I ever catch you making moves on her, it's an Explosion to the face. Got it!?"

Satou nodded frantically before urging Yunyun to follow him. She complied, but not before saying to Megumin, "D-Don't count this as a legitimate victory! The next time we cross paths, we'll have an official duel to settle our long-standing score!"

The duo left, leaving Megumin to slump into a stool and order something to eat. I decided to slide right into the seat next to hers as the food came.

I noted how she wolfed down her brunch like it was the last meal she would ever come across. When we first met, she did mention that she hadn't eaten anything in three days. Not only that, but in my professional opinion, she also seemed a little too petite for a girl her age. Could she be suffering from malnutrition...?

Whenever I get around to it, I'll have to draw up some blueprints for an invention that can solve our little hunger crisis. Megumin needs her calories and Jack needs his sugar, dammit! Plus, with my notes on magic I took during experiments on Shen Gong Wu, I could possibly incorporate elements of the occult into the functionality of my invention. In theory, I could make a vending-machine that can infinitely restock itself! That magic printer might make for an ideal template to work off of…

Get it together, brain. Question Megumin about the fight already! You can think about snacks later.

"Soooo, what was all the commotion about?" I asked as casually as possible.

Megumin washed down her latest bite with some water before slamming her cup on the countertop. "Nothing. Just making sure that perv doesn't step outta line."

"I take it Yunyun's a close friend of yours?"

"She's an acquaintance at best. For as long as I can remember, Yunyun's always been my self-proclaimed rival even though she can never take the hint. Every time she bumps into me, it's 'let's duel' this and 'let's duel' that. UGH! Stop using that lame excuse and just ask me upfront if you wanna hang out! She can be so damn indecisive…"

A simple "no" would've sufficed as well.

"If she gets on your nerves that much, then why bother having her back?" I couldn't help but ask.

Megumin gave me her version of the evil eye (which was enhanced by the crimson glow) before answering, "Because I'm not heartless. Look, Yunyun's a good person, albeit a tad naïve. Because she's not as extroverted as the rest of my clan, she was doomed to be ostracized. Funifura and Dodonko, two former classmates, would prey upon her loneliness by pretending to be her friends just to mooch off of her. Yunyun is desperate for companionship, and that makes her a prime target for scumbags. That's why I got suspicious when I heard she allied herself with that Kazuma creep."

Sweet evil, the relatability of this fucking hurts. Time to lighten the mood before things get uncomfortable!

"Oh? Are you sure it has nothing to do with him making off with your girl? Wink, wink~?"

Megumin nearly choked on a cooked carrot after I teased her a bit. After clearing her throat, she fumbled all over her words just like how I used to do with my ex-crush.

"Eh!? Shut the hell up! Don't go comparing us to forbidden lovers in a romantic play!"

Megumin stubbornly went back to eating her brunch in silence after that. Ah, denial: the first stage of…wait, what was it the first stage of again? Crap, my train of thought got derailed from thinking about snacks again. Oh well, happens to the best of us.

To keep my genius brain from pulling another fast one on me, I pulled out my Adventurer Card to examine it. When I leveled up the other day, I was also awarded four skill points to spend on skills. However, I had no idea how the mechanics of that even worked. Do I go to a shop and trade the points in for skills? I don't know! Video game worlds seriously need more menus.

"Hey, Megumin, how do I learn a new skill? I see some options on my card here, but I don't know how to actually get them, y'know?"

The Archwizard halted her fork from reaching her mouth and tiredly answered my question. "Just tap on the name of the skill you want and tap your pictograph in the top right corner to confirm the skill purchase."

Oh, I see. So my card is the menu. Clever.

"Also, if you want to pick a skill that isn't listed on your card, you'll have to find someone with a skill that's compatible with your class and have them teach it to you. The generic Adventurer class is pretty open-ended with its move pool in that regard. But skills outside of their intended class tend to be weaker or less potent, so most people don't even bother."

Really? Even if the skills aren't at their fullest potential in a different class, having variety in your move set can only be an advantage. I guess some people just aren't that creative. 

"I think I'm picking up what you're putting down," I said with a nod. "So if I had enough skill points to learn Explosion magic let's say, I'd have to come to you for that department, right?"

Megumin nearly gave me a damn heart attack when she shot out of her seat and got up close and personal with my face. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she had somehow gotten ahold of the Shard of Lightning when I wasn't looking.

"YES, EXACTLY! That's all you'd have to do, Jack! If you ever wanna learn Explosion magic, I can teach you all that I know! When you really stop to think about it, is there any other skill that's more worthwhile to learn? No, there most certainly is not. Just say the word and we shall walk the path of Explosions together!"

"Easy, EASY! I was just being hypothetical! I don't even want a move that'll leave me KO'd. That's your signature thing, not mine."

The giddiness of the hyperactive arsonist died out in an instant. Megumin returned to her seat and stared at her food after I pushed her off me. It was only her second day on the team and she was already giving me the cold shoulder? What the heck? Was it something I said?

"Don't get my hopes up like that next time," She said bitterly as she went back to eating. "I take my craft seriously, and I don't appreciate you giving me false hope. I'll still be here if you ever see the light, but until then respect the Explosion."

It was just a hypothetical, you little brat!

Before I could get a chance to unleash my infamous evil back-sass onto this piece of work, a voice approached me from behind. "Ah, there you are, Mr. Spicer! I trust a good night's rest cured you of your headache?"

My blood ran cold. Darkness occupied the empty stool on my left and swiveled her body to face me. She fished something out of her pockets and presented her fist. She unfurled it to reveal a handful of...gold and silver eris coins?

"You were in such a rush last night, you accidentally spilled some of your change on the floor and didn't pick it up. I thought I would make good on my Code of Chivalry and return this money to its rightful owner. Here you are, free of charge of course!"

She flashed an award-winning smile my way after making a decent play on words. It felt like an eternity passed between staring at Darkness and collecting my missing change. Well, she seemed to be acting normal at least, so that's good. God, I hope I'm not blushing stupidly right now...

Come on, Jack, why are you like this!? Did you learn nothing from your one-sided crush on Chase Young? It's not like you'll ever have a shot with her anyway!

Megumin asked if I knew who this person was and Darkness greeted her along with answering on my behalf. "Oh, hello there! My name is Darkness and I am a Crusader. I met your companion here last night, we were discussing a potential opening in his party that I could fill. Speaking of which-"

I immediately cut Darkness off with a forced laugh as I strung together a series of words that would hopefully deter her from joining. "HAH-HAH! Hey, listen, Darkness, love the enthusiasm! But, unfortunately, we just don't think you're Jack Spicer material. So if you could just run along now, we'll never have to see each other ever again. Great? Greeeeat..."

The reaction from the blonde bombshell was not one I was expecting. She took a sharp intake of air, swung her whole upper torso around like a damn tire swing, and tightly hugged herself while blushing madly. "R-Rejected after I did a good deed for someone! This is certainly a first~"

I gawked at the smiling knight. She actually liked being turned down? 

"That's not how you do it, Darkness~ You'll scare people away if you're that pushy."

Suddenly, another girl stepped into the picture and stood beside Darkness. She had light purple hair and was wearing a small green cloak, cyan scarf, bikini top with one strap, denim shorts, gloves, and knee-high socks with boots. There was also a noticeable scar that left its imprint on her right cheek.

"Sorry, my friend here can get a little excited sometimes," She apologized before introducing herself. "Name's Chris! Mysterious beauty by day, Thief extraordinaire by night~! Pleased to meet ya!"

Finally, a chick who seemed to be somewhat normal. I was beginning to suspect all the girls in this universe were either unhelpful or batshit crazy.

"I couldn't help overhear your uncertainty on what skills to get," Chris said to me. "Might I make a suggestion?"

I shrugged. "Sure, I am pretty desperate."

The Thief blinked at me before responding. "Okaaay...? Uh, anyway, why not go for some Thief skills? They're pretty cheap and can be extremely useful when done right. In fact, if you buy me a beer, I'd be more than happy to teach you some."

Chris may as well have been a Bard instead of a Thief because that sounded like music to my ears! Even though I've stressed before that I'm not exactly what you'd call a hugger, I just had to make an exception with this girl. It was the only way to properly express the relief fireworks going off in my head!

"Oh thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! You are a godsend right now!"

A sudden sharp pain in my lower abdomen made me recoil away. I promptly sank to my knees, clutching my stomach and groaning.

"Sorry for decking you like that," Chris apologized. "But you were hugging me for way longer than I was comfortable with. 3-second rule, please remember that."

"R-Read ya loud and clear..." I groaned while giving a shaky thumbs-up.

After I bought Chris a drink, she told me to meet up with her outside to help me dip my toes into the world of Thief skills. My only condition was that it had to be in an area with a decent amount of shade. I wasn't about to risk getting a sunburn or worse just to learn how to pickpocket or whatever.

Our meetup spot ended up being in a street lined with tall, connected buildings that offered some nice protection from the sun. Darkness (the person, not the shade) was also there as she insisted on watching from me the sidelines for some reason. A little weird but I couldn't really find any reason to object. Besides, Chris probably wouldn't like it if I told her friend to beat it. 

Chris clapped her hands to get my attention, much like what Mrs. Cornhaven would do whenever she caught me daydreaming. "Alrighty, let's get started! Now, you'll find that there are a variety of Thief skills for a variety of situations. It all depends on what you're trying to accomplish: sneak into a noble's manor, detect hidden treasure, all that good stuff. But I'll show you one of my favorites first. Steal!"

A bright flash of light emanated from her open palm and I immediately shielded my photosensitive eyes. Before I could scold her about how albinism affects my vision, I noticed something off about my pockets. They felt suspiciously lighter than I last remembered.

As I frantically patted myself down, Chris giggled and presented a small money pouch from within her- 

"Hey, that's my money pouch! How'd you do that!?"

The spunky girl giggled before explaining, "What I just used was a common Thief skill called 'Steal'. Pretty self-explanatory, it steals an opponent's item for you. The item in question depends on the caster's Luck stat, so the higher the better. Catch!"

Chris tossed the pouch my way, and I had to fumble with it for a bit before I finally caught it. This caused her to giggle at me again, making me a little flustered. Normally whenever somebody giggles at my expense, I get annoyed or upset. But, for whatever reason, I actually found it to be kind of endearing coming from her. How come I can never get teammates like that?

"Hey, I have a question," I started. "What if you use Steal and your Luck stat isn't so high like yours truly?"

"It just means you'll be less likely to swipe something valuable. But c'mon, your Luck can't be that bad."

I handed Chris my Adventurer Card. "Read it and watch me weep..."

Chris's eyes skimmed my card. They slowly widened in horror before she made an attempt to speak.

"Holy…oh my gods, I…I'm so sorry, man. I don't know what Eris must've been thinking when deciding on your Luck."

"Eris? What do you mean?" I questioned.

As Darkness leaned over her friend's shoulder to read my card, she explained, "Eris is the Goddess of Fortune and Luck. Those who disrespect her or commit bad deeds in life will more often than not pay the price through their Luck stat – oh my word! I had no idea a stat could even go that low! Oh, you must be absolutely vile~"

So...a goddess is the one responsible for making my already hard life even harder? And it's literal Lady Luck herself!? I can never catch a break!

"Woah, your Intelligence stat more than makes up for your Luck though!" Chris shouted. "I'd bet my magic dagger that not even researchers from the old Noise Kingdom could hold a candle to your smarts! Y'know, before they all died..."

Chris handed me my card back and gripped my shoulder tightly. I stared at her as she stared back with resolve in her eyes. "Listen, don't let your misfortune bring you down, okay? Luck isn't even all that essential for adventuring. They say, 'brains beat brawn', and if that expression holds any water, then you're capable of accomplishing whatever you set your mind to. The world is your oyster, dude!"

Dang...that sounded like something YesBot would say to me after a long day of beatings. And you know what? Both make a great point. The world really is my oyster, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let it get away from me! That mollusk is mine for the taking!

"Gee, thanks Chris..." I muttered sheepishly.

"Don't mention it. We just need to find you another skill you can utilize. Why not check your card and see what else tickles your fancy?"

Nodding, I took a look at my options and noticed something interesting. Before, in the skill section, all that was listed were some basic magic spells. But now I was also seeing skills in the Thief class. Seems Megumin was right about cross-class skills being a thing. I guess you could say I'll be a Jack-of-all-trades, huh?

If I weren't already a mad scientist, I'd be a stand-up comedian for sure.

Anyway, let's check out what skills I can learn:

Lurk: Reduces the visibility and scent of the user and anyone or anything they touch.

So basically the Shroud of Shadows minus the shroud. Pretty cool!

Farsight: Allows the user to see far off into the distance and improve the user's vision overall.

Given my crappy vision, this is a must-have! Who knows, maybe it'll even correct my partial color blindness.

Enemy Detection: Allows the user to sense an enemy's presence using "Radar-like" pings.

So...kinda like a mini-map? Not exactly how that works sure but I'll take it anyway.

Bind: Binds a target in rope provided the user has a rope on them.

Magically tie up my enemies, eh? Just thinking about all the evil I could do with that gets me fired up! I'm sold!

I showed Chris the skills I selected, and she nodded in approval. "Solid selection. I see you choose Bind in that list. That's really handy when you're trying to escape from a tight situation. Now tap your pictograph on the card to learn the skills."

When I tapped the words on my card, they glowed like I had selected them on a video game menu. I gave my pictograph a tap and was greeted with a sensation that I could only describe as ethereal. My whole body emanated an earthly glow and it felt as though all my nerves were being fired off simultaneously. I doubt my words could accurately describe what exactly I was experiencing but, to me, it felt as though my very DNA was being rewritten via a mystical influence. I'll build a DNA sequencer to test this theory as soon as I move out of the stables.

The glow and tingling feeling subsided, and I turned to the upbeat Thief for further instruction. She gave me an encouraging smile which soon morphed into a mischievous smirk.

"Say...how about we have ourselves a little showdown? Y'know, to keep ya on your toes and make sure you're learning."

Oh great, looks like I've met this world's equivalent to Katnappé after all. And she wants to have a showdown of all things? She couldn't have picked a different word?

"Here's the rules: I'm gonna try to trap you using my Bind skill. If you can successfully dodge my attacks and use your own Bind skill on me, you're free to swipe my magic dagger. By the way, it's worth more than 400,000 eris. Just thought I'd mention~"

Is that smug I smell? Oh, I think it is. Alrighty then, I'll show her what happens when you get smug with the one and only Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius!

"However, if you get 'tongue-tied' so to speak, I get free dibs on your money. We got a deal?"

Darkness chimed in by saying, "Chris, please do not put this poor man's money on the line!"

Chris waved her friend off, "It's fine, Darkness, life's all about taking risks. How else is he gonna get accustomed to the adventurer lifestyle? It's a dog-eat-dog world out there."

Sly and knowledgeable. It's a shame she's not on my team. Oh well, thieves tend to work best when they're alone.

Chris turned back to me. "Anyway, the choice is yours. You can either accept the showdown and learn a valuable life lesson in survival of the fittest, or you can play it safe and be a killjoy. I warn you, though, I might let word slip that a guild member with the weakest job was too chicken to seek glory when the opportunity presented itself to him. That might not go over well with the seasoned veterans. Nothing personal, I'm just not a fan of stick-in-the-muds. Your call, Jackie Boy."

What!? Okay, that tears it! Nobody calls me Jackie Boy except YesBot and sometimes Mom! BUT ONLY SOMETIMES!

"GONG YI TANPAI!"

Chris stared at me for an uncomfortably long amount of time. She glanced back at Darkness looking for answers but only received a shrug in response.

"It basically means 'ready, set, go'..." I explained without any fanfare.

Chris smiled and gave a slight, albeit hesitant, nod. "Whatever you say, dude. Bind!"

Thick strands of rope suddenly shot out of her hand, slithering through the air like angry snakes. A totally masculine grunt escaped my throat as I just barely managed to twist my body out of the way.

"Hey! I wasn't ready!"

"You want some cheese with that whine?" mocked the Thief. "Bind!"

Chris kept spamming Bind as I tested the flexibility of my body at every turn. For a split second, I thought I had Vietnam flashbacks of all the times when I got tied up, whether it be by the Silk Spitter, Tangle Web Comb, or Clay's lasso. All those embarrassing moments of my life left wriggling helplessly at the hands of my enemies and allies alike. Their mocking, self-righteous, pitying eyes baring down at me as I struggled to break free…

Well not this time!

"Bind!"

Picking up one of the ropes Chris had scattered, I activated my own spell. The ropes were flying towards the Thief at a breakneck pace. Here we go, baby!

"Skill Bind!" Chris shouted.

And just like that, my ropes went limp the second she stuck her hand out. I picked up some more rope to try and use Bind with again but it was no longer working for some reason.

"Gotta hand it to ya, you did pretty well out there. Didn't think you'd last that long against me!" Chris chirped. 

"What did you just do?" I grilled, although I sounded more flabbergasted than interrogative in retrospect.

Darkness was the one who answered my question, "That move she used was called 'Skill Bind'. It prevents an opponent from using their own skills for a while. You should be able to use them again in about an hour or so."

"...So you mean to tell me I risked going broke for nothing!?"

Chris walked over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Think of it like this: you didn't earn my magic dagger, but you did earn my respect. Not a whole lot of newbies can say that they've impressed an experienced Thief like that. Which is why I'll let rumors spread about your accomplishment. You're welcome~"

The thieving girl gave me a pat on the back and turned to walk away. So, she knew exactly what she was doing from the very start, huh? I gotta admit, that was genius even by my standards. I should've known she wasn't willing to give up a valuable weapon that easily. I may not have a priceless magic dagger, but I did manage to impress a professional Thief; that alone should bump up my evil street cred! Looks like things are coming up Jack!

Suddenly, Darkness slid next to me and whispered, "Mr. Spicer? You might want to check your pockets."

I simply took her word for it and pulled my pant pockets inside out. Then I pulled my coat pockets inside out. Each and every one of them turned up empty…

"Where's my money pouch!?"

Chris was still a little ways away and had yet to exit the street. In one hand, I could see her bouncing a small burlap sack up and down like it was a basketball.

I think this calls for some evil justice.

Activating my HeliBot, I quickly hovered through the air to get to that conniving little sweet talker. She must've been deaf to not hear the sound of approaching propeller blades because I was able to snake my arms under her shoulders before she could react.

"Hey, wanna go skydiving?" I asked rhetorically. "No? TOO BAD, SO SAD!"

With almost no liftoff time, we were airborne. Just for the record, I've always loved how the wind rushes past my face and body. It was exhilarating, euphoric. I feel the most alive whenever I fly, and I can never get enough of it.

Can't say the same for Chris. Her shrieks of terror rivaled that of Aqua's, though they couldn't quite top Wuya's ear-splitting screams. 

Once I felt we were high enough, I stopped midair and dropped some scare tactics on her pretty little head. "Alright, Chris, you ready for your first skydiving lesson!?"

"WHAT!? NO! Jack, w-what're you doing!? I thought we were friends! Please, please, please put me back on the ground – BUT DON'T DROP ME WHATEVER YOU DO!"

"Tell ya what, you can bail out of your skydiving lesson if you pay the money pouch fee."

"Okay, you've made your point already! Here, take it!" Chris tossed the money pouch upwards for my HeliBot's grabber claw to snatch.

"Thank you very much. An eris saved is an eris donated to the Spicer Foundation for World Domination®."

"Alright, I'll admit, what I did was uncool. I'm sorry. But can you lower me back down to the ground already!?"

"I don't like your attitude. Just for that, I'm bumping up the landing fee to two money pouches. Better cough up the dough or you'll be soaring with the birdies! HAH! Get it? It's like 'swimming with the fishes', except we're in the air, and that saying wouldn't make as much sense in this context…"

Despite fearing for her life high up in the sky, Chris still managed to give me a flat look.

"Anyway, uh, can you make it quick? My arms are getting kinda tired."

"Fine, take the damn money already!"

Evil justice has been officially served.

It was pandemonium at the Adventurer's Guild. After we made it back, Chris began with the crocodile tears and tried to call me out for what I did in front of everybody. Normally I'd jump at the chance to claim an evil deed that I committed, but all the death stares I was getting (mainly from the women) made me hold my tongue. Instead, I tried to pin the blame on her for attempting to make off with my frog-slaying money. After all, she started it.

I'm not too sure if my defense worked or not, but thanks to her I'm now paranoid that half of the guild is out for my blood. My own two teammates included.

Speaking of, Aqua and Megumin both expressed interest in Darkness after she flat-out demanded to be put on the team. As I quietly seated myself (doing my best to lay low for a while), Megumin reviewed Darkness's stats for the rest of us.

"Physical defense, magical defense, strength, stamina, they're almost maxed out all the way. She could easily take hits and dish 'em out like it's nothing! We'd be crazy to turn down somebody as powerful as her! Why are you so hesitant about letting her in, Jack?"

"Look, all I'm saying is that if she wants to be with us so badly, she needs to be able to pull her weight," I reasoned while nervously checking if anybody else was giving me the death stare.

Darkness tightly gripped the table and maintained steady eye contact with me. "Mr. Spicer, I assure you, I am more than capable of pulling my weight. Despite my terrible aim, I am plenty durable. Please, do not be discouraged in using me as a human meat shield. I don't mind at all, really!"

Well, if she's so damn insistent, might as well give her the full idea of what she's signing up for. Partly to see if it'll scare her away. 

"Alright, listen up Darkness – and you too Megumin!" I announced. "Aqua and I are on an important mission that is not for the faint of heart. We plan on taking out the Devil King. We have our own reasons for doing so-"

Aqua cut me off, "Yeah! I'm doing it because...uh, I need to...avenge my hometown! Yeah, that's it! The Devil King's army laid waste to my village and now I wanna kick his ass for it!"

"...Right. Anyway, Darkness, if you really are dead set on joining us, will you be ready to square off against DK himself?"

I had to hold back a snort as I just realized what those initials made me think of. Now I've got the rap stuck in my head. 

"I am fully aware of the risks associated with the path of a Crusader," Darkness started with passion. "For you see, becoming the Devil King's erotic plaything has been a female knight's duty since days of yore! And that alone makes it worthwhile to go!"

"Wait, what?" I blurted.

"Oh, I'm sorry, is something wrong?"

"Yeah, what was that about erotic something or other?"

"I said no such thing."

…

"Okay then..." I said, not wishing to continue this conversation any longer. "What about you, Megu-"

The kid slammed her boot on the table and posed with her cape swishing behind her like she was the next Batman. "My name is Megumin! All Archwizards will bow before the one who dethrones the Devil King, and that one shall be me! He thinks he's so superior just because he has unholy powers beyond imagination. In the name of the Crimson Demons, I shalt slay him with the strongest magic in the world!"

Nobody said anything at our table for a while. Megumin quietly sat back down and, in a smug manner, adjusted her hat over her head. I guess she thought she won?

Aqua leaned over to me and whispered nervously, "Hey, Jack? After hearing those two say all that stuff, I'm not so sure if we should do this anymore. I mean, taking on the Devil King is pretty crazy when you think about it."

"You think I don't know that?" I nervously whispered back. "But it's not like we have much of a choice. Besides you of all people should be motivated. You need to get back home to that limbo place, remember?"

Just then, the town's PA system (the only other technologically advanced thing around here besides the magic printer) announced that there was an emergency that required all adventurers to report outside of the front gates. Everyone inside the guild soon ran outside to cut through the city. I was just going through the motions by running alongside my fellow guild members. On my way to the main gates, I noticed how distressed the townsfolk seemed to be. It reminded me of how villagers used to react to Attila the Hun's presence back when I did time-travel.

Uh-oh...What if something similar was happening here and now?

All the adventurers plus some town guards blocked the front entrance of the gate and fixed their gazes on the open fields. Dark storm clouds covered the sky, though I could've sworn it was sunny not too long ago. Utilizing my new Farsight skill, I zoomed in to see what everybody else was seeing as though I were looking through a set of binoculars. A large green dust cloud was approaching fast, and it didn't show any signs of stopping.

"W-W-What is that?" I stuttered aloud. "Is this an invasion? Did the Devil King hear me trash-talking behind his back and now he's sending his army after me!?"

The large scary man with the mohawk must've overheard my mini freak-out because he said, "What are babbling about, boy? It's just harvesting season again, that's all."

"Huh? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Looks like they're especially ripe this year," said a random muscular man.

"What's ripe?"

"You said it, the cooks are gonna be ecstatic tonight," commented another muscular man.

"Why the cooks?"

"I know, they're gonna have to use a wheelbarrow to push me outta the kitchen once I'm through!" shouted yet another muscular man. What's with all the buff dudes already!? 

"What the fuck is going on!?"

Thankfully, Darkness was able to shed some light on the situation (wordplay is worth its weight in gold). "You see, Jack, when the season is just right, Flying Cabbages make their migratory path through this city."

"…say what?"

Megumin struck a reserved, cinematic pose and covered part of her face with her hand. "A tempest cometh..."

The dust cloud eventually settled. Sure enough, it was a large horde of Flying Cabbages.

It's official. I've seen everything life has to offer. I can finally retire now.

"Time to bust out the mayonnaise!" Aqua cheered stupidly.

"I thought the expression was 'when pigs fly', not produce..." I muttered to myself in disbelief.

The dumb goddess standing beside me explained, "You see, Jackie, in this world vegetables are living creatures too. During harvest time, when they've reached peak flavor, they don't just sit around and wait to be eaten. They careen through the cities and meadows, across the continent and the ocean until they reach a secluded place where they eventually die without being eaten. It's such a waste! So we should catch as many as we can and turn them into delicious meals to eat!"

"I will not dignify that with a response."

"But you just did, you silly NEET you~"

"Screw off."

Luna grabbed a crude-looking megaphone as guards were setting up large cages behind her. "Get ready, everyone! Make sure to deposit the remains in the cages! These cabbages are some of the best we've had in years, so each head will be worth 10,000 eris!"

With that said, all of the adventurers charged at the horde in a unionized battle cry. Some sliced the Flying Cabbages with their swords while others sniped them from afar with arrows. There was even a girl with pink hair and matching bunny ears pummeling them with a pair of nun-chucks.

I feel like I should be more shocked at the sheer insanity of it all. But, then again, my world was also just as mad. Judging the situation here would be a real "pot calling the kettle black" moment. 

The men and women were doing a decent job killing the aerial veggies, but more of them would soon come to avenge their fallen brothers. I felt someone place their hand on my shoulder, and I turned to see Darkness staring confidently at the scene in front of us.

"Allow me to show you my skills as a Crusader and prove my worth to you," she said with a determined smirk.

The questionable Crusader unsheathed her sword from its scabbard and firmly grasped it in her hands. With a war cry that made me slightly envious, Darkness charged at a small group of Flying Cabbages that had clustered together. She took a mighty swing…

…and missed by a laughable margin.

She swung her blade back around her targets and they merely hovered above it. Growling, Darkness performed an upward jump strike with her weapon, and the vegetables scattered all around her.

At this point, it seemed like they were just toying with her. The mean greens would close in on Darkness only to move away at the very last second when she sliced nothing but the air.

Frankly, it was sad to watch. Even an idiot like me with no martial arts training could probably take on airborne veggies.

A cry for help tore Darkness's attention away from her opponents as more adventurers were being overwhelmed. The Flying Cabbages dive-bombed right into the fighters at Mach speed and sent the poor suckers down for the count. All the healers were going into overdrive healing all the injured. Though for some reason, I couldn't find Aqua anywhere.

Lazy bum, can't be bothered to do her one and only job – OH CRAP THAT CABBAGE IS COMIN' RIGHT FOR ME!

Something white obstructed the view of my impending doom and let out a grunt in the process. Darkness…?

"Retreat to safety! I've got this!"

She was without her sword and blocking incoming cabbages with her forearms. Their speed and velocity nudged her in place slightly, but she otherwise remained rooted in the ground.

More and more cabbages flew into Darkness in rapid-fire succession. She continued to block until she decided to, for whatever reason, spread her arms wide like she was welcoming them into her chest.

Despite telling me to retreat, I continued to stand a few feet behind her. I don't know why, but I could not for the life of me will myself to leave Darkness behind. Maybe it was because watching her take those hits like a champ was too mesmerizing for me. Or maybe it was seeing someone willingly defend me like that struck a chord somewhere. Or maybe-

Darkness's armor began to crack from the sheer force of each impact until, eventually, it broke off completely.

My God...they're even bigger than what the breastplates lead me to believe...

Even in just her black fabric bodysuit, Darkness stood her ground in every sense of the word. Meanwhile, Flying Cabbages continued to increase the assault on her face, arms, legs, and...chest. Was it my imagination, or did they seem really eager to target that last area in particular?

The woman was panting like crazy, and I got the feeling it wasn't just from taking all those hits. The cabbages started to rip through the fabric, exposing her silky skin underneath. I sharply hissed through my teeth in embarrassment and looked away, blushing like mad. 

Some of the female adventurers were urging Darkness to run away, but with her on meat shield duty, she didn't budge.

"I cannot abandon my comrades in battle – GAH~! I c-can't…I WON'T!"

With each Flying Cabbage coming into contact with Darkness, a new tear was added to her bodysuit. I also noticed that a lot of the guys in the area seemingly forgot their manners and openly ogled her. As someone who wasn't the best at picking up social cues, I could even tell they were all undressing her in their heads. 

Amidst all the chaos, I distinctly heard Darkness talking to herself. "They're watching me…Routh, uncouth men are looking at my naked skin and getting aroused. It's shameful…it's filthy…it's...IT'S...GLORIOUS!"

In spite of the raging sea of hormones, it finally clicked. She was one of those masochist types, wasn't she? That would explain everything about her up until this point. Blonde, big boobs, and submissive...she was the complete package.

Megumin formed a stance and a red cipher circle summoned beneath her feet in the middle of the crowd. "Enough waiting! It is now Megumin's time to shine. I can no longer hold in the throbbing, hot desire to unleash Explosion magic on such a massive horde!"

What the hell did she just say!?

"Oh, blackness shrouded in light…

Frenzied blaze clad in night…

In the name of the Crimson Demons, let the collapse of thine origin manifest.

Summon before me the root of thy power hidden within the lands of the kingdom of ash!

EX-PLOOOOOOO-SION!"

Megumin pointed her staff in the middle of the cabbage horde and more magic rings hovered over that spot. Adventurers that were nearby scattered when the rings were summoned into existence. They unleashed the Explosion, and most of the unfortunate vegetables fried to death.

However, the blast radius continued to expand to where Darkness and I were standing.

I covered my eyes and booked it out of there, leaving the blonde Crusader to scream into the whirlwind of flames...

Night fell on Axel, and every adventurer was back at the guild celebrating the successful harvest. Although, I'm not sure if "successful" is what I would use to describe it. Eh, at least I got paid for it.

Everybody was scarfing down on some stir-fried cabbage and chatting it up with their respective party members. As for mine…well, they were eating in peace, thankfully.

Megumin had fully restored her mana from earlier and Darkness had already put back on her armor, now cracked and charred in some places. I'm surprised there was even anything left of it after the blast. Although, I think I should be more surprised that there was even anything left of the person wearing the armor.

Either way, I was busy wolfing down my meal as if I hadn't eaten anything in days, much like Megumin.

"Y'know, I normally hate eating greens, but those chefs really outdid themselves with this stir-fried cabbage," I mumbled in between bites. "Tastes amazing."

"Heh, weeeell, you can thank your benevolent goddess for washing them beforehand with her purified water~" Aqua drawled out pretentiously.

"I believe I aided in the cooking process with my Explosion magic, thank you," Megumin added, her mouth full as well. The small mage swallowed her latest bite and turned to the quiet older woman eating peacefully. "I gotta say, you were really something out there, Darkness. I've never seen anything that could survive a blast from my Explosion! Even without your armor, you're tough as nails!"

Darkness dropped the fork she was guiding into her mouth onto her plate in surprise at the Megumin's words. She smiled meekly as she said, "Oh, uh, why thank you! I'm just built solidly is all. Besides, if anybody is to be praised for this year's harvest, it should be Jack."

I was so unprepared for a genuine compliment from an attractive older woman, I did an involuntary spit take on the ground. She caught me drinking water, okay?

"Wait…really?" I asked incredulously. 

Aqua scooted closer and playfully poked my cheek. "Duh, really! Using your new Lurk skill while stabbing those cabbages in the back was quick thinking. You were like some kind of cabbage ninja out there!" She then jokingly pretended to tap my shoulders with an imaginary sword. "Jack Spicer, In the name of myself, I hereby dub thee, 'Cabbage Ninja'."

"Huh. 'Jack Spicer, Cabbage Ninja', eh? Hmm...kinda has a ring to it."

Megumin took my musings as an opportunity to add her two cents on the matter. "Don't forget about the part where he flew around to capture the fleeing cabbages using that device on his back! I had no idea you were in possession of a magical levitation item this whole time! Where did you obtain a Divine Treasure like that?"

"You mean my HeliBot? My Granny gave it to me as a gift on my seventh birthday. Also, it's not a magical item or a divine relic, it's an advanced piece of tech. But thanks for the compliment anyway."

Darkness stood up straight and proceeded to speak loud and proud, much like how we first met. "Yes, well, now you all know what I am capable of, both as a Crusader and ally. So once again: I am Darkness! Even though I wield a two-handed sword, please do not expect too much of me. I am far too clumsy, and my attacks rarely hit their mark. However, I make for an impenetrable wall as well as a trusted friend!"

A paladin who can't hit worth a damn but has god-like toughness. I suppose I can make her work somehow. A true genius knows how to set up his henchmen tactfully by playing into their strengths and balancing out their weaknesses. Consider this a challenge to my strategic mind.

That being said, Darkness signaled me out by facing me directly. "Well, Jack, now that we are allies, do not hesitate to use me as your shield. Should I fail to live up to my duties, feel free to reprimand me harshly; abandon me to the clutches of your enemies if you wish. I-I would not mind their clutches at all…hah~"

I can't decide whether I find her masochism borderline scary or pleasing. Still…not only was she the first person who willingly wanted to hang out with me, but she was also the first to actually be happy about it. I'm not saying she's interested in me though; I'd probably have to force her at gunpoint for that to happen. And even then, something tells me most people in that situation would rather kiss the bullet than me.

"Good sir, I look forward to working for you," She said sincerely after holding out her hand. After a second that felt like an eternity, I silently shook it. Her hand had a surprisingly soft, yet strong grip to it. My constantly calculating brain ran a mile a minute, even after the handshake was over.

"Our party is turning out to have quite the impressive roster, don't ya think?" Aqua said to me. "First, we have me, an Archpriest. Then Megumin, an Archwizard. And now Darkness, a Crusader! There aren't many parties where three out of the four members are advanced classes!"

I couldn't be bothered to figure out if Aqua was throwing shade at me or just being herself. I resigned to nodding and doodling on a napkin while the girls talked amongst themselves.

I imagine if Wuya were here to see my latest army of evil, she'd probably say something to downplay my efforts, like the bitch she is...

No, forget about that old hag. She's yesterday's news. Same goes for Chase, Hannibal, and the Xiaolin Losers. This is a new frontier, with no one from my past to get in my way or put me down with their words. I'm my own villain now! I repeated that over and over in my head until I was certain my self-esteem had gained a level up from grinding...

...I should slap myself for that low-grade joke.

"By the way Jack, I don't think you ever told us why you want to kill the Devil King," Megumin said unprompted.

"You know, I happen to be curious about that. Care to tell us, if you'd like?" Darkness asked politely.

"Yeah, spill the beans, my guy! What's your motive in all this?" Aqua demanded as she and the others leaned in with intrigue all over their faces.

I know what I said before about dropping partnerships with other humans who can and will hurt me, but…fuck it. One more chance, and that'll be it. Besides, they're willing to hear me out. Who am I to disappoint eager fans?

I calmly stood up and answered with all the suave in the world, "Well, my reason is quite simple, really. Word on the street is that I get a free wish out of slaying the Devil King, and if there's one thing at the top of my wish list, it's WD. I ain't talking Wrestling & Doritos, I'm talking World Domination! Imagine, if you will, this bowl of cabbage stir fry is the planet and my fork here is my evil federation's flag…"

Violently, I plunged my fork deep into the bowl of veggies like how I stabbed the Giant Toads. I had taken the liberty of doodling my skull insignia on a napkin and tying it to the handle of the fork to make it look like a miniature flag. It stood upright, tall and proud as it was planted into the leafy earth. I envisioned the little setup as though I had just conquered one large continent. It was only a matter of time before I got to do the real thing.

"See that? That right there is the big picture I'm reaching towards. And with the help of you lovely ladies, we can make this dream a reality! Together, world domination…IS OURS!"

After letting out my trademark evil laugh, I opened my eyes to careful scan their reactions.

Chapter Text

Despite the upbeat and blissfully ignorant atmosphere inside the guild, the silence from the three girls in front of me was deafening. If it weren't for the fact they were still breathing and darting their eyes between each other, I would've assumed they'd spontaneously died while sitting up. 

…

Okay, now the mood's getting awkward. What did I do wrong? I got through all of my main points, I used proper diction, and I didn't go off on too many tangents. I even topped it off with my trademark evil laugh for badness' sake! So why aren't they saying anything!?

I'll admit, my monologue was a little on the short side compared to all of my previous ones, but that shouldn't be the problem here. I poured my wretched heart and soul into that delivery, shouldn't that be obvious to them? Unless...Oh, please don't tell me they still don't believe me! I can somewhat (though not really) understand why Aqua and Megumin wouldn't buy it, but Darkness is a holy Crusader! She of all people should take me as a legitimate threat to her country!

Wait, no, that's not what I want at all.

Actually, come to think of it...what if they really do believe me and they're planning to ambush me right over the table!? Aw crap, I didn't think of that! Why do I always Jack things up way too soon!?

"Heck yeah! Sounds like a plan, Jack!"

Aqua got up from her seat and stood beside me, looking more pumped than I had ever seen her before. "I should've known you meant business since the day I met you. But your speech! Your inspiring speech has moved my heart to tears…! You can sign me up, 'cause we're in this together, buddy! Partners for life!"

Aqua? Was that really you…?

I suddenly heard the distinctive sound of a cape swishing dramatically in the wind. Since I didn't pack my evil cape reserved for special occasions, that can only be the work of -

"I, Megumin, certified genius of the Crimson Demons, recognize your passion for all things evil and cruel! Just by listening to your words alone, I can tell that you are one who takes nothing from nobody! You may not be a Crimson Demon in blood, but you certainly are one in spirit!"

"M-Megumin…?" I questioned out loud. "You too?"

My new favorite pyromaniac pointed her staff in my face. Her freaky, hellish eyes lit up while that iconic smug smirk of hers was back in action. At this rate, I'll have to call her "Smugumin" if she keeps that up.

"HOWEVER! I'll be damned if I'm going to let you make that wish all on your own. If anybody's going to take over the world and become the next Devil King, it's going to be ME!"

Oh. Well then. Looks like I've earned myself yet another "taking-over-the-world rival". Progress I guess?

Well, either way, if Aqua and Megumin are on board, then all that leaves is -

With very little warning, Darkness arched her back and made a noise that could put any hentai voice actress to shame. Once she was done with…that, she looked back at me with lazy eyes and a completely flushed face.

God, I know I never believed in you, but please have mercy on my virgin soul.

"Y-YOU…you…you detestable creature!" she slurred. "Tricking three young girls into becoming your submissive minions for global tyranny. I cannot believe it...So evil! So sickening!"

Now that I'm fully aware of her masochism, I'm not really sure what to make of her reaction. I stole a quick glance at Aqua, who happily poured herself a glass of water using Nature's Beauty. Megumin seemed to be the only one who wasn't oblivious to Darkness's behavior, but I guess she wanted to be polite because she didn't make any remarks.

Regardless of how everyone felt around her, the perv carried on, speaking more to herself than anyone else.

"You knew joining this fiend's party was for the greater good, Darkness. Perhaps you can still save these two maidens from the clutches of his pale, grimy, gargantuan hands..."

"Hey, I heard that!" I barked. "My hands may be pale and the size of baseball gloves, but they are not grimy! …Are they?"

Ignoring my outcry, Darkness looked at me and declared, "Spicer! I will remain by your side in the hopes that you may have a change of heart! Or, at the very least, release these girls from your wicked clutches! Do what you must to me: berate me, abuse me, convert me into a braindead sex doll for you to live out your twisted fantasies - I shall endure it all! You may break me physically, but you will never break my spirit…"

"Seriously, are my hands really that grimy…?"

After closely inspecting my hands, I pocketed my gloves and surveyed the newest recruits to my Army of Evil. I'll admit, the whole setup I had going on here was extremely surreal for me. An ex-goddess, a magical child prodigy, and a holy Crusader all backing up my evil ideology when the former two didn't buy it at first and the latter was supposed to be against it? Talk about crazy! And the fact that two-thirds of the girls (Megumin doesn't count since she's too young) are absolutely bangin' is like icing on the cake.

Devil's Food Cake to be exact. You can't get eviler than that.

"Awww, you guys...You just...I just..." I paused to sniffle, my emotions getting the better of me. "Hearing you all say that brings a tear to this villain's albino eye. Tell ya what, lemme go wash my hands real quick, and when I come back we can discuss how we want to divide the world into an evil federation. As a team. Be right back!"

With that, I made a mad dash to the bathroom, dodging patrons and nearly bumping into a waitress or two along the way. Once inside, I shut the door behind me with my back and leaned against it to catch my breath. Even with all of the combat experience I've gained from fighting in Showdowns, I was still kinda out of shape. Maybe Wuya actually had a point for once...

Regardless, I shuffled over to the nearest sink and turned on the faucet. At least this world's humans were smart enough to invent running water along with a basic sewer system.

"Man, I must really have a way with words if I was able to convince two skeptics and a Crusader. Kudos to YesBot for helping me overcome my stage fright way back when; I'm pretty sure I would've clammed up in front of all those pretty girls. But you can always overcome stage fright so long as you're passionate about what you're saying, and nothing gets me more fired up than my favorite pastime: plotting for word domination, baby!"

Suddenly, a voice spooked me from my rant. "Do you always talk like a crazy person to yourself?"

I turned to see the tracksuit-wearing Japanese kid, Satou, washing his own hands a few sinks away. Or should I refer to him as Kazuma? Everyone else seems to call him that and he did mention that was his first name to Aqua. But then why did he introduce himself with his last name first? Was that some kind of Japanese thing? Either way, it sure makes figuring out what to call him confusing...

"For your information, 'Green Bean', I had to find some kind of outlet to entertain myself as an only child. Speaking my thoughts out loud was just a natural side-effect of that." I waved him off. "Ah, whatever, you wouldn't get it."

"…I beg to differ…"

"Huh?"

Kazuma shook his head. "Nothing. Look, let's change the subject. I overheard all that bullshit you were spitting at your party before I came in here to take a leak. They didn't believe a word you said. Neither do I for that matter."

"HAH! Yeah right! You heard them yourself, they're all on board! You're just jealous that Mr. Up-And-Coming King of the World over here has been getting quite the attention from the opposite sex. Chicks dig bad boys, and I'm good at being bad, baby!"

I took notice of Kazuma's twitching eye as we were drying our hands off at the towel rack. Must've gotten soap in it. Good. That's what he gets for trying to start beef with Evil Teen Genius, Jack Spicer!

"As much as I can't stand you raging narcissists, at least you're taking the attention off of me and Yunyun. But that still doesn't change the fact those girls were faking their enthusiasm. Probably because they think you're a lunatic, much like the rest of the guild. I thought everyone here was just being judgmental assholes, but now I can see the rabbit hole goes deeper than that."

I was about to make a hot retort, but Kazuma cut me off. "I don't necessarily like you, but as a word of caution, make sure you think before you speak. The law here isn't nearly as overbearing as it is on Earth. That tongue of yours could get yourself killed if you piss off the wrong guy…assuming they can take you seriously, anyway. For what it's worth, take care."

And just like that, Kazuma left the bathroom before I could get a word in edgewise.

"…What's his problem!? Is he implying I can't be cool, calm, and collected? He doesn't know me! I can be cool, calm, and collected whenever I want! I'm gonna find that punk and show it to him right in the kisser!"

I power-walked out of the bathroom and scanned the dining hall to locate that tracksuit-wearing mouth breather so I could give him a piece of my superior mind.

But it wasn't until I passed by a row of support columns when...it happened.

"Now do you see what I was talking about when I warned you about my nutty party member?"

When I heard Aqua's voice say that about me, I felt my stomach drop like I was going down on a rollercoaster, only there was no amusement to go along with it.

I heard those damning words from behind the pole where I was standing. Even with all the ruckus of adventurers loudly eating and drinking, I could still make out my own team talking about me with crystal clarity.

"Yeah, although I'm not sure if I wanna jump aboard the 'he's crazy' idea so soon," I overheard Megumin say. "We all saw Jack's intelligence stat, the dude's a brilliant scholar. But I can definitely see him being a long-lost member of my tribe. He's got all the qualities of a Crimson Demon fresh off the academy, right down to the claim to villainy! I'll admit, though, when I said I was going to become the Devil King first, I may have just been goofing. I'm honestly more interested in wiping the Devil King out with Explosion Magic to prove a point to the rest of the world. Ruling with an iron fist doesn't actually interest me. Not anymore, anyway."

"Well, I agree with Aqua; something about his way of thinking seems a tad off," Darkness added. "While I personally have no qualms with participating in his sadistic games, there is a fine line between consensual play and truly malicious intent. I'll continue to play along and keep a watchful eye just to make sure he doesn't start any trouble…n-not that I mind taking on the burden of being his personal punching bag o-or anything..."

Aqua spoke once again, "Good thinking, Darkness! For now, let's all keep going through with my plan of playing pretend with him. Remember, no matter how absurd, smile and nod. Got it?"

The rest of their conversation was drowned out by the ringing in my ears, along with the rest of the guild.

They were faking it? Like Kazuma said they were?

No. No. Nonono, that's not right, it can't be right! I thought they would be different, that they'd at least respect my decision! But no, they don't believe me, the guild doesn't believe me – nobody in this goddamn multiverse believes in me!

Oh God…it's Second Grade all over again...

Get a hold of yourself, Jack, you can't lose it now! It hasn't been a month yet and already you're freaking out more than ever! I need to calm down. Do the breathing exercises like YesBot taught me…yeah, okay, that's a little better. I still feel naked and alone without my robots' company, but at least I don't feel like I'm gonna puke anymore.

Now, if I want to defeat the Devil King and his army, I need to get my shit together. Future global dictators do not get anxiety attacks. They're way too stoic for that. 

You know what, Aqua? Megumin? Darkness? Fine. Think whatever the hell you want to think. Go ahead and humor the weird albino kid like he's none the wiser. I'll just use your own medicine against you and pretend like you actually agree with me. But when that fateful day comes when I overthrow the Devil King at his castle and wish to take over the world, you'll get your wake-up call.

Trust me, it's a promise...

The next day came out of nowhere for me, and I found myself back in the Adventurer's Guild, this time at the ungodly hour of 9 A.M. The girls roped me into coming here with them so they could run off to do some errands, leaving me to sit at an empty table all by myself with nothing to do. For you see, dear future minions, getting forcibly dragged here means less time that could be spent building murder robots. That, in turn, leads to me being BORED OUT OF MY DEMENTED SKULL!

Just to keep my genius mind from turning into mush from the lack of stimulation, I skimmed through some of the "updates" I had gotten on my Adventurer Card from yesterday's cabbage harvest. Surprise, surprise, I had shot up to Level 8 without even noticing. That puts me at least two Levels ahead of the curve, which was exactly the kind of forward-thinking I needed to help me get through the rest of the morning.

I was also taking a look at a comprehensive list of some of the more specialized classes for when I eventually jump ship from the generic "Adventurer" class. All the guilds in this kingdom issue these pamphlets out to aspiring newbies to look through. And after just a first glance, I gotta say, there was definitely a lot of cool and badass classes to choose from! The only major drawback was that they were all locked under certain Level requirements. The lowest requirements I've seen so far were in the mid-to-high-20s. In other words, unfair.

But on the dark side (the bad guy equivalent to the bright side), one of the classes that caught my eye was on the low end of the spectrum, only requiring the user to be at least Level 24. It was actually a subclass of Blacksmith affectionately referred to as "Battlesmith". This is what the pamphlet had to say about it:

A battle-ready variant of the local market Blacksmith, this intermediate class grants the same upper body strength as a Blacksmith but with all the swiftness of a Thief. Any homemade objects crafted will be magically endowed with twice the strength and durability for double efficiency out on the battlefield.

I don't know about you, but I think I may have found my dream job! It's everything I've ever wanted and maybe just a little bit more. Where has this class been all my life?

Sadly, it's gonna take a fuckton of grinding and leveling up to achieve the rank of Battlesmith. So, for the time being, I'm stuck as your bog-standard, run-of-the-mill Adventurer with very little in the way of survival skills. But that last part is about to change because I just so happen to earn enough skill points to learn a basic magic skill that should be useful for when I'm out in the great unknown.

I selected the skill I wanted and once again felt my genetic code being rewritten by forces I couldn't even dream of. After the feeling faded, I placed an empty glass cup in front of me. Opening the palm of my hand over the glass, I readied myself for…something.

"Uh...Create…Water?"

The simple chant was all that was needed for clean water to magically to pour out of my hand and into the cup (without spilling a single drop no less).

I'll admit, I'm still coming to grips with the fact that I can just casually perform magic all by myself, no Chinese artifacts involved. Funnily enough, I don't feel the same way towards my cheat skill, Sandbox Mode. I'm not really sure why exactly. It just feels more video game-y than magic-y if that makes any sense. Plus, the actual process of constructing robots is still very much grounded in scientific reality, so maybe that's why.

Come to think of it, the whole mana thing raises some serious questions. Did I always have a set amount of mana dormant in my system? If not, do non-magical humans like myself gain mana when entering this world?

Eh, future food for thought. Until then, I will drink my hand water in victory.

"Omi thinks he's all that just 'cuz he spent years training to manipulate H2O," I said to myself after a big gulp. "Well guess what, Cheeseball? Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius, learned how to do it in under a minute! The only other skills I need now are Tinder, Create Earth, and Wind Breath. Then I can have all the Xiaolin Losers' elemental powers and truly become a Jack of all trades! HAHAHA - wait, did I make that joke already?"

Before I could think my joke over, I was interrupted by the latest addition to the team. She approached me with glee in her eyes and sparkles in her armor.

"Jack, look! I had my armor repaired with the bounty I received from the cabbage harvest!" Darkness beamed. "Does it not look positively brilliant?"

Alright, Jack, a hot girl is fishing for a compliment and that's where you come in. First thing that comes to mind. GO!

"Looks the same to me."

Smooth, Romeo, smooth. I really do need to think before I speak...

"Oh honestly! Would it kill you to pay a lady a compliment every now and again?" Darkness huffed. Her visible frustration didn't last long, however, and she started to do that masochism thing again. "Heh, hehe. You're so blunt...you show me no mercy with your words alone~"

"I, uh…"

I violently shook my head to dispel certain thoughts from running rampant in my brain. "Please dial back on the suggestive comments. Megumin over there is already making enough innuendos without you."

The young teenager I was referring to was practically molesting her own staff. She had gone ahead and used her share of the earnings to upgrade it with something called a Manatite crystal. From what I hear, it acts as a sort of lightning rod for a person's mana reserves and amplifies it. It replaced the blue orb she had previously.

Anyway, Megumin was busy mumbling to herself about how her staff was just "throbbing" with power. It was suggestive with or without context.

"THAT'S ALL!? What're ya tryin' to pull here!? I caught a ton of cabbages and that's all you're offering!?"

A particular water goddess incognito was grabbing an innocent Luna by the collar and shaking her about like a stuffed animal. The receptionist, meanwhile, was doing her best to calmly defuse the situation.

"Umm, well, actually, regarding your haul from the harvest…"

"Go on…" Aqua goaded.

"I'm afraid most of what you caught consisted primarily of lettuce."

"You mean some of those Flying Cabbages were actually Flying Lettuce!? Are you kidding me!?"

I had to plug my ears to tune out the banshee that was my party member. Darkness even went as far as to gently pat my shoulder as a way of letting me know she felt for me. She was still staring at Aqua, so thankfully my blush went unnoticed.

I didn't have to cover my ears for long, though, because Aqua suddenly stopped screaming. She must've finally settled things down with the receptionist. Hallelujah, it's an early Christmas miracle! Now I can kick my feet up, close my eyes, and bask in the peace and quiet...

"Oh, Jack-Jack~!"

Dang it, Aqua, cockroaches are easier to get rid of than you.

I cracked an eye open to find Aqua standing very close beside me with a wide smile stretched over her checks. "So, exactly how much did you get from the cabbage harvest? Do tell, I'm very curious!"

"Hmm? A little over 100,000 eris. I would've earned more if those little pests weren't so slippery. Why do you ask?"

Aqua giggled, "Y'know, Jack-Jack, I've been meaning to tell you for a while now, but I think you're really…cool! Yeah, that's the word!"

"Oh, insincere flattery? Now we're in business! Keep going."

I could've sworn I heard the other two girls mutter something under their breaths, but there was no way I was gonna let this opportunity go to waste. Now if only I could record Aqua's voice and have her very own words play over the PA speakers in an endless loop. Then I'd be complete.

"Are you for real…?" Aqua asked before getting back into character. "Err, I mean, yeah! Not only are you cool, but you're also stylish, Spicer-sama! I'm sorta/kinda/not really surprised that the ladies from your hometown weren't dropping by your doorstep every day. You're such a genius-"

I cut her off, "Ah, bup-bup. What kind of genius?"

Aqua paused for a moment before playfully batting her head. "Oh, sorry, evil genius! Silly me! Sooooo...because you're such an amazingly talented individual, do ya think you could maybe loan me a little bit of money…?"

"Ah, I see now, you want a piece of my pie. Hmmm…Tell ya what, since you're really good at buttering me up, I'll spot you just this once. How much do you need? 100 eris? 1,000 eris?"

"More like 100,000 eris."

In shock, I waved my arms in a last-ditch effort to prevent myself from falling flat on my back. It didn't work.

After popping my sore back, I gave the brainless blue twit the most, "Are you freaking kidding me?" expression I could make. Just to get it through to that thick skull of hers that she was out of her mind.

"That's nearly my entire bounty! What, do you think I'm made out of money, woman!? Forget it, outta the question."

Faster than I could blink, Aqua flopped onto the table kicking and crying, almost making me fall backwards for a second time. "Oh PLEASE let me borrow your money, Spicer-sama! Please, please, PLEEEEEASE!"

"Give me one decent reason as to why I should lend you even a cent of my hard-earned cash," I calmly argued back. "And while you're at it, let go of my trench coat! This is my only one and I don't want you to stain it with your tears."

Aqua responded with, "IthoughtI'dgetabiggerrewardonourquestbutIdidn'tandIowethesetwoscaryguysmoneyandIdon'tknowwhattodoIthoughtI'dberichbynowsoIrackedupabartabof100,000erisandnowIhavetopayup!"

I think I'm starting to see now why people have a hard time following along whenever I speak. Hell, even I don't know what I'm trying to say half the time. Sometimes my brain moves faster than my mouth, y'know?

Still, given Aqua's rampant alcoholism, I can safely assume she owes the bar tab money. But 100,000 eris? Really!? This girl needed professional help...

"Look, I have no idea how you haven't died of alcohol poisoning yet, but this is still your mess of a problem!" I insisted while prying her hands off my coat. "While you waste your money away on boozed, I'm gonna see if I can't invest  into renting an apartment. I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of sleeping on Old MacDonald's farm every single night! I need my personal space."

I half-expected Aqua to simply give up or continue bawling some more, but that deceptive blue-haired vixen had a trick up her detached sleeve. Still situated on top of the table, she crawled on all fours and wiggled her holy round ass in the air, making the small part of my caveman brain go unga bunga.

"Well, you are a teen genius, after all," teased the goddess. "And every adolescent should have a place of their own. Especially considering that one night I heard you rustling around next to me, breathing heavy moaning sounds like you had a tummy ache-"

I frantically slapped my hand over her mouth before she could get another peep in. "Take the money but please, for the love of evil, PUT A SOCK IN IT!"

Anxiously looking over to my other two teammates, I saw Megumin and Darkness staring at us with confused looks. My grin could not have been any more forced.

After begrudgingly forking over all of my profits to that spoiled brat, Aqua had the audacity to suggest shopping for some new clothes fitting of an Adventurer. Her reasoning (if you could even call it that) was that my emo/goth/punk fashion was clashing with the Fantasy World's aesthetic. And she said that to me as if she didn't just rob me blind a couple minutes ago!

I had to stubbornly remind her that, on top of wanting people to easily recognize their supreme overlord, she wasn't my mom and she couldn't tell me what to do. After explaining this to her, Aqua flipped her hair like a self-entitled popular high school girl and dropped the conversation, saying it would be a "hopeless endeavor to change my childish mind".

She's a hopeless endeavor...

Whatever, that's neither here nor there. Because now that I have a full party of evildoers-in-training, today will mark the true start to my rise to power!

I stood proudly in front of my...fourteenth(?) evil team once Aqua's little debacle was settled. "Alright, gang, we get to pick our very first quest to do together. You in?"

Megumin was the first to voice in her answer. "Yes, we should pick a quest with lots of small-fry monsters so I can test out my gorgeous new staff!"

Darkness brandished her sword and panted like an excited dog. "No, wait! We should go after strong monsters; oh yes, massive and brutal!"

Aqua raised her fist sky-high as she declared, "No, we should all go on a quest with a huge payout, regardless of the subject matter! I need me a decent meal!"

Maybe I should've held a screening process before agreeing to let them stay.

Whatever, the four of us carefully examined the quest board together. Darkness pointed at one blemished with danger stamps. "Jack, look! A quest that requires us to slay a vicious nocturnal creature called 'The Black Fang'! It looks extremely dangerous, let's accept it!"

"Absolutely. NOT! I happen to like living, thank you very much."

Megumin spoke up, "How about this one: 'Fire Resistant Bees have made nests in Axel's farmhouses. Destroy the bees and their nests without causing property damage'."

"You only know one spell and it's a fire-based attack that obliterates everything that isn't fire-resistant. I want you to let that sink in..."

I inspected the board thrice over before sighing in defeat, "Well, we could always kill some more Giant Toads for a quick cash grab?"

"NO! NO TOADS!" 

Megumin hid her head under her hat while Aqua got into the fetal position on the floor, mumbling sweet nothings to herself to make her happy. Darkness was the only one left out of the loop and seemed confused by their reactions. "Are they alright?"

"Remember when we first met and I told you we just got back from a toad quest?" I said. "Well, I think they're suffering from PTSD because of it. We were all eaten alive and I had to cut myself out and free those two. And we were covered head-to-toe in this rancid gunk..."

Unwittingly, my description of the events only added fuel to the sexual fire that was Darkness, and her eyes widened in excitement.

"Rancid gunk!? I fail to see the problem here!"

"Why, because it would've gotten you riled up?"

"N-No, you're wrong..."

"Uh-huh, sure."

I let my eyes travel back to the board while the blonde Crusader stammered in defiance. After scanning it over and over and over again, I growled in annoyance. "All that's left are quests meant for high-leveled experts! What gives!? I thought this was rookie town!"

My frustrated cries must've caught the attention of Luna, for she cautiously approached us while audibly clearing her throat.

"I couldn't help overhear your displeasure with today's selection of quests. I regret to inform you that the reason for our lack of novice quests is because one of the Devil King's generals has moved into a nearby forest recently. As such, all low-leveled monsters have vacated the area. Until we receive assistance from the Belzerg Capital Knight Corps, there will only be expert quests available until further notice. Again, I am deeply sorry for the inconvenience."

Luna meekly bowed as though we were supposed to accept her weak-sauce apology. The receptionist quietly shuffled away, leaving us to mull her words over.

"Just when I thought my luck was getting better too…"

With adventuring off the table, Jack Spicer's Evil Posse agreed to temporarily split apart to do their own things for a little while. For Darkness, that was returning home to keep up with her weight training exercises. Dunno why she couldn't just do those here but whatever. See her when she gets back I guess.

Aqua hatched a creative idea for once inside that empty noodle she called a head: open up a stand to sell her produce along with some arts and crafts so we don't go broke. Don't tell her I said this (because she'll never let me hear the end of it) but I was secretly grateful for her providing us with a steady source of income until we could go questing again.

As for Megumin, it only made sense that she would practice her Explosion Magic. But given that she needed someone to carry her back to town, the li'l munchkin dragged me along for the ride. Against my will I might add.

That's why on this "fine" sunny day when I could've been cooped up indoors building my trusty JackBots, I was instead begrudgingly tagging alongside Megumin through the woods, trying to stay in the shade. I didn't say a word since we began our trek, but I made damn sure to let her know that I was anything but happy to be here. 

I guess Megumin had had enough of my silent protesting because she suddenly snapped, "If I knew you were gonna act like a stubborn brat, I would've asked Yunyun to come along with me instead!"

"But I'm older than you by like four years."

"Yeah? Then you sure have a funny way of showing your age..."

Told down by a thirteen-year-old. Not my finest moment.

I dropped the mean look and sighed tiredly. "I know, I know, I'm sorry. I just don't like going outside when I don't have to."

"I think getting some sunlight will do your body good. You could seriously go for a tan, dude."

"But that's the thing: sunlight will actually cause my body more harm than good."

Megumin shot me an curious look. "What do you mean?"

"You can see I'm albino, right? Pale skin, red eyes, the works?"

She nodded.

"Right, well, that's not normal for the human body. There's a naturally occurring pigment in our bodies called melanin that's mainly responsible for producing skin, eye, and hair color. Not only that, but it's also responsible for blocking most forms of ultraviolet radiation from the sun, as well as preventing light reflection in the eyes. We albinos have little to no melanin in our bodies. As a result, my eyes are highly photosensitive, and I'm more prone to getting a sunburn at best or skin cancer at worst."

Despite my use of scientific jargon, the rural child wizard was surprisingly intelligent enough to process my explanation. Because she freaked out on me in less than a minute.

"Oh shit - really!? I should be the one apologizing then, not you! I didn't realize it was that serious..."

"Relax, short stuff, I've figured out how to combat this for years now. Whenever I do have to go outside, like today, I make sure to put on contact lenses and wear dark clothes that cover most of my skin. That's why I'm wearing a stuffy trench coat in late August. And thankfully, a merchant in the market square sells this gunk that supposedly repels harmful sun rays. It seems to be working for me so far, I've had no ill side-effects since applying it on my face."

Megumin breathed a sigh of relief and resumed her walking. "Thank the gods. Sorry about your condition, by the way. Sounds like a real burden. Had I known beforehand, I probably wouldn't have asked you to come with."

"Eh, water off a duck's back. Besides, I'm mainly upset because I'd rather be working on something else right now, that's all."

"…That's all?" She questioned weirdly. "You sure it has nothing to do with Darkness leaving town for a few days?"

I almost tripped on my own two feet. Slowly, I turned my head to face Megumin, who was still facing me. We competed in a silent staring contest for a few seconds before I worked up the nerve to say something.

"W-What, uh, what makes you say that?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. You seemed kinda depressed when she announced she was heading home for a while. Your mouth twitched a little and your eyes looked a little watery."

Shit, shit, SHIT! I thought I was getting better with my poker face, but it looks this kid is more observant than I thought! Granted, she did have a decently high intelligence stat on her card. Not nearly as high as mine, of course, but still enough to-

FOCUS, MAN, FOCUS! Just casually make up an excuse for it, all evildoers are masters at lying. We basically invented the concept!

Summoning whatever scrap of courage I had left, I looked Megumin square in the eyes and said, "It's summertime. I occasionally break out with hay fever during this season."

It was always best to sprinkle in some truth with your lies to make them more believable. Still, I felt my heart pump like I had downed three cans of energy drink, which I sometimes do when working on late-night projects in the lab.

Just when I thought my mask was about to crack, Megumin shrugged and continued walking on ahead. "Fair enough. Make sure you go visit the local alchemist for that, okay? I think he can brew some allergy inhibiting potions for you."

I hummed before crawling back into the recesses of my mind. I'm not exactly sure if she bought it or not, but I'm gonna make a mental note to be more careful about what I do around this girl next time.

"Aha, perfect!"

Megumin snapped me out of my thoughts when she shouted and stuck her staff out in front of me like a railroad guard...if only I hadn't run right into the damn thing.

After rubbing my abdomen, I used my Farsight skill to focus on what she was staring at off in the distance. I spied with my wicked eye a rickety old castle perched atop a cliff overlooking the horizon. Perfect estate for any self-respecting vampire I'd imagine. Not really my taste, but to each their own.

Megumin pointed at the structure and stated, "That abandoned castle is what I shall use as a target for my Explosions. It's also far away from town, so I shouldn't get a noise complaint from the guards again."

I did a double take. "Again? What do you mean again?"

She stuttered, "W-Well I had to use my Explosion Magic somewhere, so I...fired upon the open plains just outside of town..."

"...Wow. Everything has to be 100 with you, huh?"

"Hey, don't you judge me! I have to use my favorite spell once a day else I'll die!"

"Alright, alright, jeez. I get it, this is Burger King, have it your way. Just do what you gotta do and let's bail."

Planting her feet on the earth, Megumin aimed her staff at the castle, and the wind in the surrounding area began to swarm inside the young teenager's red Manatite crystal in the form of space. The infamous red cipher circle materialized underneath her feet as she started up another one of her chants.

"Crimson-black blaze, king of myriad worlds,

though I promulgate the laws of nature,

I am the alias of destruction incarnate!

In accordance with the principles of all creation,

let the hammer of eternity descend unto me...

Burn to ashes within the crimson!

EX-PLOOOOOOO-SION!"

With the otherworldly rings lining up in front of the staff's tip, a column of fire burst forth, whipping past the trees. When it touched the castle, it blew up in a fireball and sent shockwaves vibrating through the air. Once again, I was left floored at the light show.

Speaking of floors, that's where the little Archwizard was on right now. I took the hint to pick her up and carried her back home.

That was how my new daily morning routine began. Megumin and I would go into the forest once a day so she could cast Explosion on the old, abandoned castle. With each passing day, I found myself getting more and more hyped to go. It even got to the point where I would wake the kid up in her little tent outside the town walls at dick o'clock in the morning just to get an early head start.

But it didn't end there, oh no. I also learned to appreciate the fine art of explosions in general. I used to take them for granted whenever I employed missiles and bombs into my machines' arsenal, but now I see the light. I began to judge her explosions more objectively, like an art snob, and soon Megumin did everything in her power to really knock my socks off.

It didn't matter if it were sunny, rainy, or cloudy, we'd always make sure to take time out of our busy schedules to meet up at the castle.

Incredibly, the building still managed to stand after all the abuse taken out on it. That changed when Megumin managed to blast a large gaping hole in one of its walls, crumbling a turret down to the ground. I remember skipping for joy and congratulating the archaic pyromaniac.

I made a promise to her that day: if I ever decided to splurge some extra skill points into Explosion magic, I would come straight to her for it.

Not since letting her join my team had I ever seen Megumin beam with such happiness before.

Even I – with my greedy black heart – couldn't help but feel warm inside when she smiled like that.

I had just finished my third JackBot and stored it away in a spare stable along with the others. Keeping them in the stable Aqua and I slept in was crowding the already small space. Don't get me wrong, I love my babies, but getting sandwiched in between them all wasn't worth it. Fuck claustrophobia, man.

Anyway, I was becoming more and more adept at using my cheating powers: it was becoming easier to use, consumed slightly less mana, and materials were spawning at a considerably faster rate. It wouldn't be long before my first batch of robots were fully operational and ready to serve.

As I was connecting the motherboard inside a detached JackBot head, Aqua was busy making arts and crafts, humming a lullaby to herself while she worked. I heard her sing it before, and when I asked what it was, she explained that it was a popular children's song called "A Little Adventurer". It was surprisingly soothing on the ears. For someone with such a toxic personality, Aqua sure did have a beautiful voice to compensate.

…

Random thought, but...I wonder if my family got over my death already. I wouldn't be surprised, they barely check up on me to see if I'm still alive. Was it weird that I didn't really miss them all that much? I know the monks didn't miss me; if anything, they're probably partying over my grave as I speak. Wuya and Chase are definitely glad I'm out of the picture, they already couldn't stand my guts before I died. And Hannibal...again, I didn't know him all that well. But I doubt he cares either.

They were always talking down on me…saying I could never be evil…telling me I never could seize the world for myself…huh...

It took me a minute to realize I was just staring blankly inside the open latch in my robot's head. I looked over at Aqua, who was making a little house out of empty milk cartons.

I took a small breath and began asking her a serious question. "Hey...Aqua?"

She didn't even look up from her work. "What's up, Jack?"

"Be honest: do you really think we have what it takes to kill the Devil King? I mean, I'm pretty sure he didn't get that title without a good reason. How are four people gonna kill someone with a big name like that-"

I didn't have time to dodge the crushed milk carton flying at my face. I opened my eyes to see a royally pissed Aqua glaring daggers my way.

"Why would you ask a stupid question like that!?" she demanded. "I thought you were supposed to be the smart one of the group."

"Hold on...you actually believe we can do it then?"

"Believe it? I know it! I'm getting back home if it's the last thing I do! No demonic tyrant is gonna stop me otherwise!"

"But we're a ragtag team of low-leveled weirdos against Satan himself. Face it, Aqua, we're outgunned and outmatched in every way!"

Aqua turned herself fully around to face me. Unlike all the other previous fits she's had, it looked like she was actually restraining herself from going ballistic. I had no choice but to express my confusion at her sudden change in behavior.

Her face deflated to a neutral look and she let loose an exasperated sigh. "You need to have more trust in us..."

Aqua immediately cut me off when I tried to interrupt. "Ah, bup-bup. I don't wanna hear it. Look, I don't know if you have trust issues or whatever, but you need to learn to have faith in your party. It pains me to say this, and don't get a big head over it, but you're our leader. Not only do you make the tough decisions when it matters most, but you also have to rely on the rest of us in turn. Namely me, of course."

Her face softened and a ghost of a smile found its way onto her lips. "Now quit your whining, robo-nerd. I'm restocking my supply for tomorrow."

The goddess turned back around and resumed her work as nothing had happened.

For once in my talkative life, I was left speechless. Was that the same Aqua? The unhelpful, lazy, bitchy, stupid woman that unwillingly accompanied me on the start of my journey? Not only was she working hard at her part-time job, but she also unintentionally gave me some much needed closure with a pep talk on team trust.

For a girl who was labeled as unintelligent on her Adventurer Card, she sure knows her way with words, I'll give her that much.

I mean, okay, sure, maybe I do have some trust issues. But in my defense, every other team I've ever had was quick to ditch me for one reason or another. After a while, I simply got...used to the backstabbing. I know that way of thinking is unhealthy, but when you live with the ghost of a witch who semi-frequently tosses you out like a used napkin, you'd become skeptical of others too.

Then again, Aqua is technically a holy figure and not a restless spirit. Darkness is a chivalrous Crusader and Megumin strikes me as someone who knows what it's like to be abandoned. Maybe Aqua's on to something here. Who knows? Only time will tell if they're the ones for me.

"Oh, FYI Jack, I borrowed most of your nuts and bolts for my art project. Pretty resourceful of me, wouldn't ya say?"

All that pleasantness was quickly washed away and replaced with anger. "So that's why they went missing this morning!? Don't do that, you useless party trick goddess!"

Aqua gasped in shock and whimpered, "B-But people l-love my p-party tricksssss-WWWWWWAAAAHHHH!"

Then she buried her head within her arms and cried her eyes out.

Well, that didn't last long. Whatever, she'll get over it in the morning.

She did not, in fact, get over it.

Aqua continued to blubber like a baby all the way to our table at the guild. Megumin, Darkness, and I stood over her in silence while she mumbled insults at me in between hiccups.

"What did you say to her last night?" Megumin asked incredulously.

"That she wastes her skill points on pointless party tricks," I answered plainly. "Now she's crying because she knows it's the truth."

"Jack, I understand everyone needs to vent sometimes," Darkness commented. "If ever you feel stressed again, feel free to tear into me – I WOULDN'T MIND!"

"But it's not you I'm angry at. It's this goddess has-been who cries more often…" I deliberately aimed the rest of my sentence at Aqua, "…Then when I stub my toe!"

The goddess has-been sniffed, "You're such a brute, you shut-in emo…"

I was about to unleash my wrath upon her when Luna spoke through the PA system about an emergency at the front gates. Like last time, everyone in the guild kicked it into high gear and rushed outside the gates in record time.

My party and I were still weaving through the crowd to get front-row seats of the action. Everyone around us was speaking in hushed whispers.

"Alright, is it Flying Cabbages again? 'Cuz Jack Spicer, Evil Cabbage Ninja, has got this in the bag, baby!"

My amazing self-confidence immediately fizzled out when I witnessed the lone figure atop a small mound. Saddled on a decapitated horse blacker than the void, there was an ominous Knight clad in dark gray armor with a black cape tied around where its neck should be. The actual head, which was hidden under a helmet, was safely cradled in its left forearm. A singular, glowing maroon eye peeked out through the helmet's "T" visor carefully watching the crowd.

I was quaking in my combat boots at the mere sight of this...THING. Whatever it was, it reminded me an awful lot of the armor Hannibal Roy Bean wore on occasion. He may have been a freaky jellybean, but he's still the evilest known creature in my world. Even though this monster lacked the spikes of Hannibal's armor, it more than made up for it in stoic creepiness.

"W-W-W-W-W-What is that thing?" I asked through chattering teeth.

Darkness answered, "A Dullahan..."

"I would've gone with the Headless Horseman, but I'll take it..."

The undead knight, now established as a Dullahan, projected his voice loud and clear. It was the type of voice that boomed with respect and authority.

"Citizens of Axel! I am one of eight distinguished generals in the Devil King's Army. I have recently taken residence in a nearby abandoned castle to investigate reports of a mysterious divine light that should up here not too long ago. This is not why I come to you now, however..."

He paused as his head growled in repressed fury. The Dullahan slowly continued, but steadily spoke faster with each word.

"Every day...every single damn day, I have reserved myself in solitude disturbing no one when some nutjob decides to blow up my base like, 'BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM'! That is what I have to wake up to every morning, and it's getting annoying! So let me ask…WHO IS THE MANIAC CASTING EXPLOSION MAGIC ON MY CASTLE!?"

The horse stood on its hind legs and screeched an unholy animalistic sound while a strong dark aura blasted out of the rider and his steed.

The crowd cowered together and talked amongst themselves about who this "anonymous" spell caster could possibly be. When all eyes unsurprisingly turned to Megumin, she lowered her hat over her eyes and casually walked over to the enraged undead. Talk about bold...

Megumin walked until she was halfway to the Dullahan where she stopped and remained perfectly composed.

"So, you're the maniac who's responsible," The decapitated Knight declared. "Did you forget that I am one of the Devil King's top generals or do you just have a death wish? I may be undead, but I used to be a Knight you know; it would be beneath me to attack a city of small fries. But I will do it if I have to! Do you know what it's like for me and my men to clean up the mess you make at my castle!? Well? What do you have to say for yourself!?"

The girl whipped her cape back and boldly proclaimed, "My name is Megumin! A proud Archwizard who commands Explosion Magic!"

"…What is a 'Megumin'?" He asked in a genuinely confused tone. "Are you pulling my leg?"

"What – no! I am the most powerful spell-caster this city has to offer! And firing at your castle was all a trap to lure you right to us! We have the number advantage here, we can take you on!"

Megumin then pointed to me all the way behind her. "Isn't that right, Jack!?"

"What!? Leave me out of this!"

After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, Aqua suddenly charged ahead to Megumin's side while summoning her own staff as well. "I don't care if you're in the Devil King's Army! As an Archpriest, I cannot allow an undead like you to exist! Not only that, but you're the reason why I had to get a part-time job! Prepare yourself!"

"A low-leveled Archwizard and Archpriest against my might? That's not brave, that's just foolish," The Dullahan scoffed before raising his right hand, which began to glow a dark aura. "Crazy little girl, I order you to cease your Explosions on my castle. Do not make me repeat myself..."

She didn't hesitate, "Impossible! We Crimson Demons need to unleash Explosion Magic every day, else we'll die! I refuse to comply!"

"I have never heard of such a questionable claim. But since you refuse…"

He pointed his finger at her with his dark hand.

"I sentence thee to death. HERALD DEATH!"

Black magic lashed out from his hand like a striking viper and flew at the unprepared Megumin. But before it could touch her, Darkness slid in front of her from out of nowhere. The magic engulfed her entire body and as she screamed in pain, a horrible vision of a skull twitching sporadically appearing in front of her.

When the aura faded away, Darkness slumped to the ground.

That scene was burned into the back of mind from then on out. It wasn't like her fun-loving cry of discomfort, it sounded like actual hell for her.

I don't have any recollection of moving from the crowd to Darkness' side; I wanna say I flew over to her with my HeliBot, but I can't be sure. It didn't matter at the time as all I could do was shoot her question after question about the state of her well-being. Even though she was on her knees and convulsing like she had run a marathon, she still gave me a solid smile.

"It's alright, leader. I'm okay."

A tidal wave of relief washed over me. That was a close call, too close in fact.

The undead bastard hummed like he was thinking something over. "Perhaps this could work to my advantage. Your Crusader ally will die in a week's time. She will suffer for seven days as she trembles in fear of death, and it will be all your fault. If you truly care for your friend, come fight me at my castle like the 'proud Archwizard' you claim yourself to be. I shall await your arrival."

As he turned his horse around to leave, Darkness stabbed her sword into the ground to prop herself. However, she refused to look directly at the unholy commander.

"Disgraceful. To think you were once a Knight makes me sick to the core. You're saying you won't lift the curse unless I submit to your whims, is that it?"

He said, "What?"

"I will not allow a mere curse to break my spirit. I cannot give in, but…but…"

Darkness snapped her head in my direction. Her face looked just like mine whenever I was on the brink of world domination, except it was accompanied by the meanest blush that ever blushed. I nearly wet myself, I was that spooked.

"What shall I do Jack!? I can feel his filthy eyes on me, hungry, WANTING! Just look at them, those are the eyes of a closet pervert – one who would make a sex slave of me! And to break the curse, I shall have to submit my body to all manner of pornographic acts over and over again!"

Darkness was standing on her own now and hyperventilating. The Dullahan was backing away slowly as she continued doing…whatever it was she was doing.

"You may dominate my body, but you will never dominate my heart...hah...Just the mere prospect of being chained up to a cold stone wall and being forced to submit to this beast fills me with adrenaline..."

If there was one thing on Earth I never thought I'd imagining hearing, it's a devout woman squeeing (y'know, the thing girls do in chick flicks?) over the idea of willingly becoming a victim to human trafficking.

"OH THE HORROR~! What should I do, Jack!? I didn't expect things to become this risqué-"

"But, but, but they never were until you started putting words in his mouth…" I meekly argued.

"…I don't want to go, but I have no choice! I shall resist for as long as I can, do not try to save me!"

Darkness made a mad dash to the twitching undead general. I ran up and grabbed her by her underarms to try and drag her back.

"Darkness, cut it out! You're making the Headless Horseman of all people uncomfortable!" I yelled. "How do you even do that?"

With almost no reaction time, the Dullahan suddenly got all uppity with me. "What the!? How dare you compare me to my stepfather! All that freeloader ever does is roam the woods at night spooking lost travelers! But do you ever see that piece of trash support his stepson when he gets a job offer from the Devil King? NoooOOOooo! I am nothing like that alcoholic deadbeat, DO YOU HEAR ME!?"

…

Wow, daddy issues much? I mean, I've got beef with my old man, but you don't hear me getting emotional over him. That's with my mom.

Eventually, the general got his act together and cleared his nonexistent throat. "A-At any rate, my challenge still stands. Come to my castle, Crimson Demon, if you value your friend's life. I'll be waiting..."

As he turned his horse back around, a distorted portal opened in front of him. The Dullahan and his ride entered the portal just as it collapsed. There was a terrible silence among our group.

Finally, Megumin walked in the direction of the forest without saying anything.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"If that bastard wants a fight, he's got one. It's the only way to save our friend."

I tried to argue, but the words got caught up in my throat and died there. Megumin was going on a suicide mission, that much was obvious. I didn't want her to die, but for the life of me, I couldn't speak against it. If I stopped her, then I would be indirectly responsible for Darkness's death. Truthfully, I didn't want any of my teammates to die (I'm still kinda on the fence with Aqua), but something about it being Darkness in particular was a thought I didn't know if I could stomach.

...I know I'm probably going to regret this, and my brain is screaming at me to reconsider...but I think I've made my decision.

With a sigh, I jogged over to Megumin and said, "If you're going, then I'm going too."

She looked at me in surprise, like she never expected me to say that. I don't blame her, I was having a hard time believing myself. "This is my fight, not yours. You had nothing to do with this."

"Heh, yeah, well, I'm technically an accomplice to your mess-up. So I'm tagging along – and believe me, okay, I'd much rather go hide under my haystack, ya dig!?"

Get a hold of yourself, Spicer. Puff out that chest and at least try look brave!

"But…I've been told I need to trust my gang more. Even if I am skeptical about your decision, I'm putting my faith in you that you know what you're doing. Plus, I wanna show that bad guy what real evil tastes like!"

I felt arms snake their way around me and before I knew it, I was pulled into a hug. Was not expecting that. I'm not even sure if I should hug back or not. Am I denying her comfort if I don't or will it come across as awkward if I do? You see now why I don't do hugs? They make me overthink!

At least Megumin obeyed the 3-second rule before things could escalate any further. I thought I was about to bug out if she kept hugging me for any longer. Oh well, at least she seems pumped about my offer to go with her.

"Alright, partner. Let's show this bad guy that we're worse than any demon he commands!" she cheered.

Before we could anything, Darkness suddenly interrupted, "Friends, please, do not try to fight him. If sacrificing my own life is what it takes to protect you all, then -"

"Sacred Break Spell!"

Out of the blue, our blue party member aimed her staff at Darkness and the flower bud on top opened up to shoot out a magical energy beam. It engulfed the Crusader in a flashing light show and she squeaked in surprise. Two Cupid-like angels hovered over Darkness to literally lift the curse off of her like a bedsheet and floated away into the clouds.

After...that was over, Darkness stood in place blinking. We all simultaneously turned to Aqua with dumbstruck expressions. She merely put her hands behind her back and smiled innocently at us. 

"What?" she asked playfully. "Archpriests are known for their supportive roles!"

Soon the entire crowd of adventurers surrounded Aqua and praised her for lifting the curse. She happily paid them back by performing Nature's Beauty for all the guys.

Meanwhile, we were left wondering what the hell had happened back there.

Chapter Text

My party and I were peacefully eating breakfast at the Adventurer's Guild.

That's it, nothing special or wacky. Just the four of us quietly eating bacon and eggs at a table in the far back corner of the guild. If you subtracted the girls and replaced my breakfast with a square slice of undercooked pizza, this whole setup wouldn't be that far off from my experience eating at every school cafeteria ever. And I was not okay with that.

At one point, I had to quietly pinch myself just to make sure everything was real. I could accept the fact that I died and was reincarnated into a fantasy JRPG world instead of living out a feverish coma dream in the hospital. But leading an evil team composed entirely of the opposite sex? Still having a hard time believing it despite everything.

Speaking of the girls, one of the more unbearable ones just slammed her empty plate onto the table like a judge using her gavel at the courtroom. "Guys, listen up! I don't know about you, but I am sick of having to live in debt! Who cares if that Dullahan only left us with super hard quests? We need to take one anyway, even if it's completely unreasonable!"

"I-I don't mind if it's unreasonable..."

We know, Darkness. We know.

"You do know you wouldn't have your stupid debt problems if you didn't spend more than you earn, right?" I countered tiredly. "I already have to pay for everyone's meals, so there's no way I'm covering for your broke ass anymore. You're not dragging all of us through the mud just because of your little money crisis! Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta take a leak."

However, before I could walk away from the table to drain the snake, Aqua locked my legs in a vice grip while sobbing hysterically. She was starting to make a habit out of this, so it didn't even phase me. Was I really this overbearing to everyone back home?

"Please, Jack, PLEASE! Throw me a bone and let me pick out a quest just this once!" she begged. "I don't wanna work part-time no more; the manager always yells at me whenever I can't sell enough products! It's hard being a struggling artist! I promise I'll never bug you about choosing quests again, so please let me have this one! Please oh please oh pleaseeee!"

"Okay, FINE!" I relented. "I'm giving you permission, just this once, to pick out a quest for us to go on. But for the love of evil, shut up! It's too early for a migraine..."

My exasperated approval was enough to cheer up Aqua, who immediately stood upright and gave me a mock salute before skipping over to the quest board. I groaned and slumped back down in my seat, resting my elbows on the table.

"Aren't you worried she'll come back with a completely insane quest?" Megumin asked me in confidence.

"Yes, even though I'm perfectly fine with anything insane, are you sure you're okay with this?" Darkness added.

"Girls, girls, relax. It's just Aqua. It's not like she could be stupid enough to pick out a suicide mission – and I'm just now realizing I've made a horrible error. Somebody stop that blue thing!"

I wasted no time in pushing my way past waitresses to get to my ditzy partner. I was not about to put my second life in her hands! What was I thinking, letting her decide!?

Aqua was already in the process of reading over a flyer she had taken off the quest board. I snatched it away from her and placed my hand over her face to keep her at bay while she failed to swipe at me.

"Hold it! What kind of death sentence were you ready to choose for us?" I didn't let her answer (partially due to the fact that my hand was covering her mouth) and simply mumbled it for myself. "'Griffin and Manticore…territory dispute…disturbing the peace…dispatch both…500,000 eris'."

I slowly lowered the sheet of paper in order to stare at Aqua with the most dumbfounded look the human face could physically make. "Are you trying to get us killed!? Do you honestly think any one of us is experienced enough to kill both a Griffin and a Manticore? I don't even know what that last one is!"

Aqua finally had the decency to remove my hand from her face, although I thought she would've been disgusted enough to do that from the start. Anyway, she tried to "rationalize" her decision. "But that's the quest with the highest bounty right now! And with that much eris, my debt shackles will break, and I shall be a free butterfly~"

"Bad grief, you really are mentally handicapped. Either that or you have the brain of a toddler," I muttered while pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Watch it, hikikomori," Aqua bit back, adding some spicy Japanese flair to her sentence. "I'll have you know I'm the same age as you. And as a goddess, that makes me your senpai by default. So I win!"

I looked up at her with a raised eyebrow. "You? Seventeen? I thought cosmic beings were supposed to be ageless or whatever."

"That's seventeen in Heaven years. The time flow on Earth is different from the time flow in Heaven and the Fantasy World. One month on Earth is just an hour in Heaven but three months here. Some genius you are, can't even tell the time. Kukuku…"

Differing dimensional time flows, huh? So if 1 Earth month is 1 Heaven hour and we multiply by 12, that's 12 hours for every 1 year on Earth. Which means 2 Earth years is equal to a full 24-hour day up in Heaven. 365 days in a year, multiply by 2, and the year ratio between these two planes of existence is 730:1…Which means -

"YOU'RE 12,410 YEARS OLD - !?"

Irony slapped it's feminine hand over my face as Aqua covered my mouth in a manner similar to what I did to her mere moments ago.

"Good Me, you are LOUD!" she groaned. "And where'd you come up with such a random number? I already told you I was seventeen, and here you are pulling big numbers out of your ass to make my head hurt!"

My lips found an opening between the cracks of Aqua's fingers as I genius-splained her. "For your information, all I did was basic math inside my head. I know that may be too much for your literal lamebrain to handle, but it's the truth. And furthermore, if this world moves three times slower than Earth, then that means you're actually 37,230 years old! No matter how you slice it, you're an old hag like Wuya!"

The granny goddess pinched my mouth between her fingers and shoved my face away in seething annoyance. "GAH! You talk too much! And who's this 'Wuya' bitch, huh? Oh forget it, doesn't matter. Ever since the stupid Council of Heaven exiled me down here, I'm now at the mercy of this world's time flow. At some point, I'm gonna get old and ugly way sooner than all the other gods and goddesses! So hurry up and slay the Devil King before I turn into a wrinkly old fart!"

"Baby steps, Aqua, baby steps," I said in a calm tone of voice. No reason having a temperamental goddess make my job harder than it needs to be. "First, we need to level up by gaining XP. To do that, we need to be able to complete quests. So, by that logic, if you really wanna whup Satan's ass and go back home, you should pick quests you know you can handle to get the most bang for your buck. I'll even sweeten the deal by letting you keep whatever prize money we make just this once. Deal?"

Aqua's eyes lit up at the prospect of money and she nodded ecstatically. She proceeded to glance at the quest board again before her wandering eyes trailed back to the piece of paper still in my hand...

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

"Y'know, it was the first quest that I chose..." Aqua drawled. "And they say you should go with your gut instinct…"

"Not happening. Pick anything else but this one."

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of holding up the flyer when I said that, because the next thing I knew, we were both locked in a tug of war. As we engaged in battle, I tried to persuade the bimbo into seeing things my way while she did the same (with substantial grunting on both sides).

"C'mon…! Think of all the money…!"

"You mean the money…you're gonna hoard…all to yourself!?"

"We had a deal…you butt-munch!"

"That was before…you picked the same damn quest…I TOLD YOU NOT TO PICK!"

After an intense, operatic struggle for dominance over the paper, the battle concluded with a deafening tear. I looked down to find that I now had half of the quest flyer. And wouldn't you know it, Aqua had the other half.

My attention was shifted to an approaching Luna who, despite the closed eyes and pleasant smile, carried a threatening aura with her. "Oh, Lady Aqua and Mr. Spicer! I see the two of you have agreed to accept the Manticore-Griffin kill quest. Splendid! They really have been disturbing Mirfield Village for quite some time now. It seems the beasts have been using the community's carrot fields as a battleground for their territory dispute. Thank you so much for taking on the mantle of responsibility; this is one of the most dangerous quests we've received in quite a while."

Oh no. Luna, doll, you can't be serious...

"W-Wait, we never agreed to go on this quest!" I argued, though admittedly it came out as a plea more than anything.

The receptionist's forced smile never faltered as she dropped the proverbial bomb, "Be that as it may, you two did rip the flyer, and guild policy dictates that individuals who tear and/or damage quest flyers are henceforth held accountable for taking on the assigned missions. We've had far too many hooligans rip up flyers in the past, so the National Guild Committee had to mandate a zero-tolerance policy."

I turned to my scapegoat, "Well, you heard the fine lady, Aqua. You rip it, you take it."

"Hey, that's not fair!"

It was in that moment that Luna finally opened her eyes. While not outwardly imposing, those yellow orbs still radiated this "don't fuck with me" energy. Collaborating with Wuya and Chase Young has made me very keen on detecting that particular kind of vibe, trust me.

"Actually, Subsection 8 of the Zero-Tolerance Policy clearly states that any affiliates of the perpetrator are also responsible for seeing the quest to completion," Luna stated like one of my robots reading the dictionary. "So it really doesn't matter which one of you ripped it. In the eyes of the NGC, your entire party is accountable. The Axel Town Adventurer's Guild deeply apologizes for having to do this, it's simply a matter of following the rules. I'm sure you understand."

Aqua and I were too frightened by Luna's scarily calm demeanor to ask what would happen if we refused. Besides, I already had a pretty solid idea on what, and I don't want to experience firsthand what they do to evildoers in prison.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make arrangements for the temporary relocation and safeguarding of Mirfield's people. After all, four brave adventurers are on their way to rid their village of those foul beasts for good!"

She didn't have to phrase it in a way that made us sound heroic. That's just adding insult to injury...

As the blonde receptionist walked away to speak with some priest who just came in, I found myself sitting on the floor. In the fetal position. Shaking uncontrollably. Scared out of my wits.

Aqua was quicker to come out of her stupor, and she said to me, "Forget about that hussy, Jack! We were gonna take that quest anyway! It's only two mismatched animals, and you have a goddess to carry you all to victory. You and the others don't have to worry about a thing, I got this in the bag!"

Out of all the things to take from this disaster, that's what I was the most afraid of. I better hurry and start writing my will because someone's gotta finish those JackBots while I'm left dying in a ditch somewhere.

Mirfield Village was due west of Axel. It wasn't far enough away to require a carriage ride over, but it was still too damn far in my book. The sun was beating down on me, my feet were sore because the girls wouldn't let me fly while they had to walk, and I couldn't stop replaying the worst case scenario in my head on loop. I was doing everything in my power to not have another meltdown.

The gang, meanwhile, was taking things maybe just a little too easy in my opinion. Megumin blabbed on about how she was aiming to get two kills for the price of one Explosion. Darkness, though she didn't say much, was likely daydreaming of all the different ways she'd get mauled (so at least she was ready to go out in stride I guess). And at the pinnacle of carefree living was Aqua, who pranced around singing about the small fortune she'd make come the end of day.

I wonder where gods and goddess go when they die? Maybe a "Super Heaven" or "Super Hell"? I think I know where she would go...

Musings aside, we eventually made it to Mirfield Village. Might as well rip off the Band-Aid now and get our gruesome deaths over with. Who knows, maybe the faster we do this, the more likely it'll be painless. Fingers crossed.

The village itself was…really undeserving to be called a village. That crappy town full of fake Omi relatives I built outshines this dump. And I was forced to build that cesspool in under a day! This "village" was just a dozen crummy shack houses scattered around in no discernible pattern. They didn't even bother to line up the houses in 6x6 rows!

See, this is exactly why there needs to be an evil ruler who can bring order to this lawless world (that evil ruler being me of course).

Well, what the village lacked in architectural planning, it more than overcompensated with the carrot patch located right next to it. The field spanned for acres, and it appeared as though the farmers had given up trying to enclose it since the fence was less than halfway around the perimeter. It's anyone's guess on why such a puny settlement would need such a large supply of carrots. Honestly, given how bizarre this world has been, I wouldn't be surprised if the villagers were actually rabbit people or something. Come to think of it, didn't I see an adventurer at the guild who had rabbit-like ears on her head?

Suddenly, the bold cry of an eagle and the domineering growl of a lion pierced my eardrums. Unlike the calls of their normal Earth counterparts, these were amplified and heavily distorted to a monstrous degree, probably because they were the very monsters we were drafted to kill. I quickly dove into the nearest bush, and thankfully the girls were at least smart enough to follow suit. Although Aqua had points deducted for face-planting into a different bush several feet away from us.

A powerful gust of wind surged through the carrot patch accompanied by the sound of beating wings. Screeches and roars bellowed as the two previously mythological creatures came crashing down into the fertilized soil below. They were both just as feral (and equally as hideous) as Chase in his lizard form.

I instantly recognized one of the combatants as a fairly popular folklore monster. The Griffin was a horrendous hybrid of a lion and an eagle. The body, tail, and back legs are all lion while the head, front talons, and wings are all eagle. Two halves that made up one messed up whole.

I wasn't as familiar with the Manticore, but I could definitely see why it would be the perfect rival for a Griffin. It too was a living jigsaw puzzle of unrelated animals mashed together into one. The only thing it had in common with the Griffin was a lion for the base body part. However, it had bat wings and a motherfucking scorpion tail!

As if that weren't disturbing enough, the face centered in its mane was human. Or humanoid I should say. It was creeping its way into the uncanny valley, let's just leave it at that.

Y'know, there was once a time where I considered dipping my toes into gene-splicing, like a classic mad scientist. Well, I'm here to report now that I am so glad I chose robotics because, holy shit, these freaks of nature make me question God even further…and gods in general for that matter.

Anyway, it appeared the two monsters were duking it out way before we arrived. Both had various injuries all over their mismatched bodies. The Griffin's beak was all busted up while the Manticore had one of its eyes scratched out and its scorpion tail was dangling uselessly from a cracked base.

Oh! I just got a brilliantly evil idea! There was still a chance for us to complete this quest and live to tell the tale!

Motioning for my posse to listen carefully, I whispered, "Okay, it's obvious those monsters want to murderlize each other. So here's what I'm thinking: we let natural selection decide who dies first and while the survivor is still recovering from the fight, we get the drop on it. That way, it'll be too tired and injured to defend itself."

"I OBJECT!"

I shushed Megumin like how Mrs. Cornhaven would shush me for being loud. Immediately after, I cautiously peered over the shrub to see if the Griffin and Manticore heard my partner's big fat mouth. Thankfully, they were still going at each other's throats (literally).

I turned back to Megumin and whisper-yelled, "The hell is your problem!? What is there to object? My plan's foolproof!"

She whisper-yelled back, "It would not only be a dishonor to me, but a dishonor to my clan if I didn't obliterate two legendary beasts in one glorious Explosion! That is why I object to your plan."

"Megumin...under normal circumstances, I'd be totally down for unleashing a rad Explosion on our enemies while we laugh maniacally as evil master and evil apprentice."

"Uh, and just who would be who in that relationship, exactly?" She asked pointedly. 

"Irrelevant. The point is, I'm trying to propose a strategy that won't end with us on the dinner plate. Not only does your spell take too long to cast but you also have to bellow a chant to make it work."

"Oh, I don't need to chant to cast Explosion Magic."

Even Aqua and Darkness seemed to be just as shocked as I was at the young mage and her nonchalant confession.

"You…you don't?" I asked.

"Nope. I could cast it without uttering a peep if I wanted to. But I don't want to, because then I wouldn't be a full-crimson-blooded Crimson Demon if I didn't! Plus, the chant actually helps boost Explosion's power."

Part of me wanted to applaud her dedication to monologuing. However, the other part also wanted to snap her dumb wooden staff in half for not telling me this sooner!

"Actually, Jack, while we're taking this moment to strategize, I too have to object your proposal."

Darkness! Not you too!

"I insist that you let me use my Decoy skill to attract those repulsive creatures to me," she urged. "While they are busy ravaging me senseless, you can strike after they have exhausted themselves. No matter how long it takes, you must be patient and wait for them to be completely fatigued. In fact, you can forget all about me if that helps make the time go by!"

Who says stuff like that sincerely!?

"Do any of you two lack self-preservation!?" I whisper-yelled in frustration. "Because what you're suggesting is suicide, you maniacs!"

As the three of us whisper-yelled at each other, Aqua leaned out of the bush next to ours and spoke, "Guys, you're all overthinking this. I'm powerful enough to take on those freaky animals all by myself. Have you not seen my stats? They're incredibly amazing, like yours truly~"

I looked at the nimrod skeptically. "Need I remind you of the time you failed to kill a Giant Toad? Twice? On the same day?"

Aqua got on the defensive, "That was before I knew toads were immune to water spells and blunt force trauma! But since these aren't toads we're dealing with here, this should be a piece of -"

"SALVATION!"

From out of the thicket behind Aqua, a living skeleton came barreling after her, and in broad stinking daylight no less! Not only that, but he also sounded just like Skeletor! I shit you not!

We all gasped at the attacker but, in a turn of events more shocking than the wandering skeleton, Aqua was the first to take initiative. She did so by doing a backwards somersault out of her hiding bush and landing with the precision of a Xiaolin monk. Once she put some distance between herself and her foe, the water goddess summoned her flower bud staff and aimed it at him.

"Turn Undead!"

A spectacular column of what I could only assume was light from Heaven itself shot down from the sky at the undead monster. Its bones were vaporized in an instant along with its restless soul. It may have been my imagination, but I also thought I heard the skeleton's soul say something along the lines of, "sweet release" upon disintegration. Either way, it was hard to hear much of anything with the overdramatic Hallelujah chorus blaring in all our ears.

When the lights faded and the nonexistent choir shut up, I couldn't help but ask, "WWWWHAT! …Was THAT!?"

"That was my Turn Undead skill," Aqua answered on point. "It's a spell that can purify the Undead, like that skeleton who was likely drawn out of hiding by my divine aura."

Before I had a chance to interrogate her further on that, the sound of beating wings followed by demonic eagle screeching rattled my brain.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! It's got my hair! HAAALP!"

Shit – that Skeletor impersonator gave away our position! The Griffin we were supposed to kill swooped in and plucked Aqua away with its battle-scarred beak. Before it could make off with its flailing luggage, however, the Manticore went airborne and bum-rushed its rival. As the two monsters wrestled in midair, fumbling over each other and trying not to lose altitude, the Manticore bit into Aqua's legs.

"AQUA!" Megumin shouted.

"OH GODS!" Darkness cried.

I just hissed through my teeth. That was definitely going to leave a mark.

The flying, amalgamated animals tried to yank the Archpriest to their side in the most brutal game of tug of war I've ever seen. All the while, Aqua screamed and yelled a bunch of stuff in both Japanese and Chinese (most of which I assume were swears).

"They're gonna tear her apart!" Megumin cried in fear. "We have to do something!"

Okay, okay, calm down Jack, don't panic, don't panic! You can think of something if you rack your brain hard enough. Uh, let's see, maybe I can whip up a makeshift blaster? No, that'll take too long, idiot! Um, fly up to Aqua with my HeliBot? Okay, but then what? I'm not powerful enough to kill those monsters on my own! Fuck, alright, well, what if -

"Hang on, my friend! I'm coming!"

Darkness's exclamation snapped me back into reality long enough to see her hopping over the fence into the carrot patch. Confused and scared to be left alone, Megumin and I followed her into the field to see what she was planning to do. Before we hopped over the fence ourselves, we saw Darkness stop directly underneath the monsters pulling at Aqua like she was a dog's chewing rope. From where she stood, the sun glistened off her polished white armor, illuminating her in an almost ethereal glow. It may have been hard on my albino eyes, but it was honestly breath-taking to look at.

In that moment alone, she looked…even cooler and more ravishing than Chase Young…

"Decoy!"

And that's when the moment had to come crashing down.

As soon as that one word left her mouth, the Griffin and Manticore abruptly ceased tugging on Aqua's hair and feet. In an almost hypnotic-like trance, they dropped the girl and dive bombed straight into the now giggling Crusader. They soon pounced on her, resuming their aggressive instincts.

Megumin and I had no time to check up on Darkness as we now had to worry about a falling Aqua. We frantically tried to position ourselves to catch her.

"I got it, I got it!"

There was a hard thud over to my left.

"I don't got it..."

Megumin was already kneeling beside Aqua to check for a pulse. The Archwizard sighed in relief, "She's alright, she's still breathing. There also doesn't seem to be any bleeding on her legs. I think her boots protected her from the bite."

Strangely enough, the kid spoke the truth. Other than some teeth marks on her ankles, her sturdy footwear managed to protect her legs from that Manticore's bite. Although, I don't think her surprisingly rugged high heel boots were enough to protect her psyche. Aqua had yet to say anything after she fell to earth. She simply stared up at the clouds with glassy eyes and parted lips.

A cry of pain(?) tore me away from the girl lying in the dirt back to the girl getting mauled by wild animals. I could hardly see Darkness behind all that fur and mismatched body parts. But I knew she was still getting pummeled as evident by her…well, they're not exactly screams per say.

"Jack, we have to save Darkness before she gets killed!" shouted Megumin.

I mean, that's technically not what's happening over there but -

"R-Right! We gotta help her! Um…" I scratched my head hard before an idea came to mind and I snapped my fingers. "OH! I know! Go ahead and cast Explosion on them!"

"Are you insane!? Our friend is still in there! She'll get caught up in my blast!"

"You did it to her before!" I argued. 

"On accident!" Megumin stressed. "In an open field! This is different, those monsters are right on top of her! I-I don't know if I can bring myself to do it!"

We don't have time for this! I grabbed the kid by her shoulders and leveled my voice, "Megumin, listen to me! If she's strong enough to survive the first blast, she can survive a second! But not doing anything is going to get her ripped to shreds!"

Amidst the furious growls and caws from the Manticore and Griffin respectively, I distinctly heard Darkness shout, "I am fine – HAH~! D-Don't worry about – MMM~! Little old me!"

…I promptly ignored it.

Megumin shifted nervously on her feet. She still seemed apprehensive. But we don't have time for cold feet, let alone shifting feet!

"Just do it!" I begged. "Trust me!"

Megumin quickly glanced up into my eyes before looking back down at her shoes. Then she started mumbling something to herself while shaking ever so slightly.

Great, just great; she's freaking out on me like how I freak out on Wuya! My anxiety must be rubbing off on others!

I was about ready to give up on Megumin and come up with a plan myself when I noticed the wind began increasing in speed. This would normally be nothing worth acknowledging if it weren't for the colorful twinkly bits gliding along with the breeze. Inferno-red cipher circles then materialized in the sky above Darkness and the beasts beating her silly.

...I should hit the deck.

"EXPLOSION!"

The blast wave knocked me off my feet, and I, for a brief moment, became a human torpedo. Gravity claimed its control on me as soon as my face plowed into the dirt. After a while of just lying on the ground, I slowly pulled myself up and coughed out the dirt and whole carrots that got shoveled into my mouth from the crash.

As I spit out the offending substances, I noticed the carrots all had...eyes? And legs? They all turned to flee once they righted themselves up and shook my saliva off of them.

Oh yeah, that's right: Aqua said all vegetables in this world were living creatures, like the Flying Cabbages. What a nightmare for vegans.

I spent quite some time spitting and scraping my tongue in a desperate attempt to get the taste of dirt out of my mouth. Eventually, I went back to survey the damage. Sure enough, a large smoldering crater was all that was left of the monsters. The only thing that occupied the hole was the limp form of Darkness. She may have been knocked out but she still looked like she was at peace, probably having a wet dream. Her entire body was covered in ash, and her armor plating chipped to reveal -

WOAH-ho-ho-ho! Okay, that's a nip slip right there! Better look away before a certain "lab assistant" wakes up; now was not the time for teenager hormones.

"Ugh…Jack…?"

Megumin's muffled call for help thankfully gave me something to do to distract myself. I jogged to the spot where she had fallen down and knelt beside her face. She lifted her head in order to ask, "Is...is Darkness okay? She's okay, right?"

I smiled before answering, "Yep, just peachy. You've got nothing to worry about."

The little wizard let out a great big sigh. "Thank the gods. Last time that happened, during the harvest, she wasn't at ground zero. She only got sucked in from the edge of the blast. I wasn't sure if she could survive a direct attack. I won't lie, I was…I was…"

Megumin choked back the tears before carrying on in a shaky voice, "I-I was scared that I might kill her...that her blood would be on my hands. I really didn't want to have to live with that, Jack..."

Crap, I suck at emotional support. And I don't have YesBot to come bail me out. Uh...lemme try to make her laugh it off, maybe that'll work?

"Hey, c'mon, I think you and I both know you're smart enough to know that wouldn't have happened," I joked lightheartedly. "I mean, have you seen her in action? That woman's so strong, she could give diamonds a run for their money. And they're already worth a lotta money!"

To my surprise, Megumin actually chuckled at my joke. Back home, people would've either groaned or beat me up for saying something that corny. I'm starting to like this kid more and more.

"Hehe, yeah, you're right," she agreed. "The Crimson Demon's foremost prodigy shouldn't have been worried to begin with. It's rather unbecoming of her, wouldn't you agree?"

"Sure. But like I said, you had nothing to worry about with Darkness. Aqua on the other hand…"

Standing up, I stepped around Megumin to look down at the catatonic Aqua. She had yet to say anything after the fall. I tried snapping my fingers in front of her face, but she didn't even so much as blink. The same thousand-mile stare was the only facial expression present.

I sighed wearily. Being evil doesn't get any easier growing up, does it?

We got Aqua to move and speak on her own by the time we arrived back at Axel, so there was some progress being made. That being said, her body was on autopilot and she quietly sang a depressing song to herself, so there was still room for improvement. At least Megumin had recovered enough strength to walk on her own without hitching a ride on my back.

As for Darkness...well, she was still mostly covered in ash, and her armor was in serious need of repair. Not to mention that damn nipple was still exposed for all to see. And trust me, all saw. I guarantee you she made no effort to hide it, either. I suppose masochists and exhibitionists just go hand in hand...

…

Don't look to see if it's hard. Don't look to see if it's hard. Do not, under any circumstances, look to see if it's hard, otherwise something else will get hard!

…

I'm weak-willed...

A-Anyway, Aqua's song was gradually becoming more and more depressing with each verse. Seriously, she was singing about the futility of it all and wondering if she could find a purpose in life if she were sold as a slave. It was that bad, people. The townsfolk were also giving us strange looks, but frankly, I don't give a flying french fry about what they think. Right now, our Archpriest's mental stability was in jeopardy.

I know an evil genius like me shouldn't be empathizing with Aqua of all people, but dang it – she reminded me too much of me right now! Every time I got my ass handed to me by those damn monks, this was the aftermath. This is what those dweebs never look back on after they take my Wu and scram: a battered soul shuffling through life all dazed and confused. That's why whenever I glance at Aqua, I don't see a fair-skinned, blue-haired beauty. I see a pale, red-haired chump failing to get by.

"Jeez, might as well be me in her shoes…"

Wait, why were Darkness and Megumin looking at me? I didn't say anything. Unless...I was thinking out loud again…crap.

"Ah! Um, nothing, never mind, just a Freudian slip! You can forget I said anything!"

Saved it.

Thankfully, none of them had any time to respond as someone nearby was screaming, "My Goddess! MY GODDESS!"

Out of an alleyway, some random-ass dude just showed up making a beeline for Aqua. He had a suit of navy-blue armor, a dark blue cape, a jeweled circlet, and a fancy gold sword strapped to his waist. His eyes were blue, his hair was blonde, and he looked distinctly Asian. Judging from the way he looks and sounds alone, I'd say he's one of those smooth, athletic guys in the same vein as Raimundo who has everything going for them.

I haven't even confronted the guy yet and already I despise him.

"Aqua, my Goddess, my dear beloved Goddess!" he crowed. "What are you doing here? Did these heathens drag you down here!?"

He looked over to me and, with complete disregard for personal boundaries, gripped my shoulders so he could shake me all about like it's the damn hokey pokey!

"What did you do to her!?" he demanded ferociously. "YOU FREAK!"

Darkness came to my rescue as she grabbed the psycho behind his neck and yanked him off of me. She glared him down and practically hissed, "Hands off our leader, creep! You have no right to touch or insult him. Who are you and to what business do you have with us?"

I don't recall anyone in recent memory who went out of their way to stand up for me like that, the JackBots notwithstanding. Also...I maybe, kinda, sorta, find my companion cute when she's mad…in a frightening sort of way.

While that exchange was happening, I snuck over to the catatonic Aqua to whisper to her. "Pssst! I don't know this guy, but he knows you're a goddess. Do you two have some sort of unspoken history together? Try talking to him."

Silence. And that same lifeless expression since we left the village.

But just when it seemed all hope was lost, Aqua miraculously bounced back to her usual bubbly self. "Oh yeah, that's right: I am a goddess!"

Well, at least she's back to normal. But was that really an improvement in the grand scheme of things?

It didn't matter. Once Aqua snapped out of her funk, she proudly announced herself to the blonde stranger harassing us. "Yes, how can this goddess be of service to you, Mister...wait, who even are you?"

Hah! Watching that guy sputter like a dying car after that low blow was such a day brightener.

"What!? But-but-but it's me, Kyouya Mitsurugi! Remember?" He presented his gold and silver blade to her. "I died and you blessed me with the Cursed Sword Gram? To vanquish the Devil King?"

Aqua lightly tapped her chin with her finger as she theoretically racked her brain to remember. "Ooooh, I remember you now. Shoot, I'm sorry! I've reincarnated so many people like you, I was bound to forget a few here and there."

Careful, my goddess. Roast him anymore and he might get overcooked.

"R-Right…Well, it has been a while, milady. Just know that I am still fighting hard to save this world; to be its hero."

Oh, barf me a river. I had to butt in on the conversation, if only to get this dude to shut up with all the good guy talk. "Hang on, you said you were reincarnated by Aqua, right? Does that mean you're also from Earth?"

The...guy whose name was too hard to remember looked stunned at first. But he was quickly able to compose himself to answer. "Uh...y-yes, that's correct. I used to live in Japan with my mother and father before I died. Let's just say there was a...workplace accident when my father introduced me to his employer."

I nodded my head, making sure to keep the conversation rolling so I didn't have to hear any more of his hero spiel. "Oh, okay, cool. Who'd your old man work for, anyway?"

"Tohomiko Electronics."

"Really!? No way, get outta here!" I exclaimed, genuinely surprised myself. "Y'know, I've actually met Mr. Tohomiko and his daughter in person -"

Suddenly, M-Something cut me off before I could finish my sentence. Oddly rude coming from a supposed hero. "No you haven't, you liar. Tohomiko-sama is an important video game tycoon, he's a very busy man. Besides, everyone knows his daughter's in China attending some monk school."

"But I live in China..." I said in a deadpan tone.

"You don't even look Chinese!"

"I moved from America when I was thirteen, bigot!"

Sweet mother of evil, this guy was unbearable! If he didn't have that fancy sacred sword to hide behind, I'd give him a piece of my gifted mind. Then we'll see if he acts all high and mighty afterward.

"I'm getting sidetracked here," the blonde bastard stated before turning his attention back to Aqua. "My Goddess, tell me, what are you doing in the mortal realm?"

The goddess-now-turned-Archpriest surmised her tale thus far for him. Needless to say, he didn't take it too well.

"WHAT!? You mean you were unlawfully exiled with this smart-mouthed emo kid and he allowed you to get snatched by a Griffin and Manticore!?"

"How many times can a guy say, 'my bad'?" I moaned in light protest.

Murphy whipped his head furiously in my direction and swiftly hoisted me up off the ground by my coat collar. "How could you treat a goddess this way!? You monster!"

Was this meathead really chosen to be the hero? 'Cause right now he strikes me more as your typical, cookie cutter, high school jock bully. He was even beginning to draw in a crowd of onlookers and bystanders.

Before he had the chance to bash my face in, Aqua intervened by elaborating, "Wait, it's okay now! I've actually been having a lot of fun ever since coming here."

"Even so, you're still a goddess, milady. You deserve a way better partner. This guy is just a nobody."

"H-Hey, lay off man!" I defended meekly. "Anybody who's somebody starts out as a nobody!"

"By the way, my queen, which inn are you sleeping at? Is it to your liking?"

Don't ignore me, you prick!

Aqua's eyes widened when that dick addressed her and she fiddled with her thumbs as she answered the question. "Err, if by 'inn' you mean 'stable', then it's about ten blocks west of the farming district."

ACK! HE'S...STRANGLING…ME…!

"You're dead meat, punk! Dead meat!"

Darkness came to my rescue once again and pushed the goddamn lunatic off of me. "Don't you ever lay another hand on my party members!" she seethed. "Is there no end to your insufferable behavior!?"

Megumin stood next to Darkness and gazed at the self-proclaimed hero with a murderous glean in her crimson eyes. "Touch our leader like that again, and I'll blow you into oblivion," She stated in a deathly calm tone of voice. "Got it?"

Note to self: never get on that kid's blacklist.

Her threat was enough intimidation for Michael to back off in fear. He cleared his throat as I tended to my bruised one. Albinos bruise like bananas, you know.

"Y-Yes, well, I see you two are a Crusader and an Archwizard respectively," He stopped to plainly check out Darkness's exposed nipple from her cracked breastplate. "And very charming ones at that, if you don't mind me saying~"

Seriously? He wasn't even trying to be subtle about it, the dude's just out here staring at her tits in the open! Doesn't this guy know the first thing about rubbernecking?

Wait, hold the phone...Did I just see Darkness actually cover up her chest in what looked like disgust? No way, that did not just happen...did it?

Unholy moly, I think it did. I'm not just seeing things, she honestly does not want this dude checking her out. What's next, the Devil King skating his way to work?

Marlon turned to me as he continued, "You're blessed to have such excellent teammates, yet you make someone like Aqua sleep in a dirty stable. Have you no decency, man?"

Listen to this wisenheimer acting like he's all that and a bag of chips! He's got the wrath of Chase Young and the overinflated ego of Omi all rolled up into the deluxe premium dick package. Also, "excellent teammates"? These chicks are a messy handful, that's what they are!

Okay, well...Aqua takes the gold medal for being the messy handful in my party. Megumin may be a one-trick-pony and a smart aleck, but she's somewhat competent. And as for Darkness…

I'll be honest, I'm not really sure yet. She gives me so many confusing feelings and I don't know what to make of them; social skills aren't exactly my forte. Shame there isn't any I can purchase on my Adventurer Card.

Mitchel spoke to Aqua in a haughty tone, "Aqua, this man isn't worth your time. You and your fine friends should join my party instead! As a humble Swordmaster and predestined hero, I'll make sure to gift you all with the best gear that money can buy. What do you say?"

"Wait, are you seriously trying to swipe my own teammates away from me!?" I cried out. "That's not something good guys do at all!"

He was quick to respond, "Well, you're no good guy yourself."

"Thanks for the compliment – but still, not cool, man! W-We were just starting to click together. Y'know, as a party!"

"Fine, I suppose we'll be chivalrous and let the ladies decide for themselves," Marcus relented before glancing at the girls and giving them a pearly white smile (god I hate this prick). "So, what's going on in those beautiful heads of yours?"

It was then that Aqua "whispered" to her team loud enough for pretty much the whole block to hear. "This guy is trouble with a capital 'T'. He's giving me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. Plus, he somehow comes across as more narcissistic than Jack. That scares me."

"This man…" Darkness growled while shaking a tightly clenched fist. "Normally, it is I who likes to be beaten black and blue, but this man...he makes me want to punch him in the face without restraint."

"I wanna blow him up," said Megumin. "Lemme blow him up."

I don't believe it. Even after all the crap I've put these ladies through, they're still willing to stick by my side and stand up for me? I think I might've done it: I might've finally found my perfect evil dream team!

I had no choice but to whoop out loud in celebration. Everyone looked at me funny, but I'm used to it! My persistence in maintaining a stable, functioning team has paid off at long last! I had every right to whoop!

I also had the right to gloat in the wannabe hero's face. "HAH! Looks like Jack Spicer's Evil Posse doesn't wanna join your dumb old party after all! Now, if you'll excuse us, it's getting late and we're all tuckered out."

As we strutted away, I made sure to turn back around to show him the "L" on my forehead, officially asserting my dominance.

Alas, my fleeting moment of satisfaction came to an end the second I caught Milo within my peripheral vision. The idiot ran ahead of us and stood in front of our path, trying to block the road. To say the guy was pissed would be like saying that the sun was warm.

"So you're the fabled heir to Spicer Industries!" he accused. "That corporate tycoon you call a family was trying to buy out my father's dream job before I died! Now things just got personal! I know what you're like; I've heard the nicknames people have been calling you around town."

Putting aside the fact that my parents were unintentionally making my new life here more difficult, I got hyped knowing I was the talk of the town. "People are talking about me? Cool! What're they saying? Are they calling me a genius?"

"That and among things. Two noteworthy names I've heard include 'Ghoul Boy' and 'Jack Whiner'."

"I. Do. Not! Whiiiine!" I turned to my teammates. "Why does everyone always say that!? It's so unfair!"

"It's anybody's guess, really..." Megumin stated dryly for some reason.

Ignoring my cries of in-injustice (that's injustice for those who are advocates for injustice), the blonde Japanese jock carried on with what he was saying. "That is why I, Kyouya Mitsurugi , challenge you to a showdown for the loyalty of the beautiful Aqua-sama!"

Again with using the term "showdown". Why not just call a dual, people?

"If you win, she stays with you and I promise to leave your team be. If I win, she rightfully comes with me. And I'll do everything in my power to send her back home."

"Look, if I say yes, will you get out of here?" I asked.

"Only if you win."

"Fine..."

I readied myself into a fighting stance and initiated the showdown: "GONG YI TANPAI!"

My opponent didn't make a move or say anything at all. In fact, everybody around me went silent. It was so quiet, I could actually make out the crickets chirping to indicate evening.

"What was that?" he asked. "Chinese?"

"It literally means, 'let the showdown begin'," I answered tiredly.

"Oh…Well in that case…" The so-called chosen one brandished his cheat item and charged screaming, "GONG YI TANPAI!"

Shit – I'm not ready! What was I thinking accepting his challenge!? He's got an OP enchanted sword while I've got a dinky dagger I bought for dirt-cheap! I'M SCREWED!

Wait, I know!

"Bind!"

Let's see how well he can swing that bulky thing with both hands tied behind his back.

"You think a low-leveled Thief skill like that is gonna stop me!?" Matthew taunted. Without breaking his stride or a sweat, he cut through the speeding ropes like they were made of paper. His sword shined and exuded a dangerously powerful aura similar to that of a Shen Gong Wu. And he was still charging at me with it.

Welp, looks like it's time for Plan B: survive, no matter how degrading!

My HeliBot sprang into action and hovered me away from the bloodthirsty Japanese just as his blade came into contact with the ground I was standing on. Now that I was safe in the air where he couldn't reach me, I proceeded to bombard him with Bind until the off chance he slips up and gets tangled. If he gets to cheat, so do I. I'm the villain here, dammit, I should be the only one allowed to do that!

"Bind! Bind! Bind! Bind! Bind! Bind!"

Ugh, it's no use! That dick keeps cutting the ropes like a hot knife through butter! At this rate I'll run out of ropes to use! There's gotta be something else I can throw at him...

I fished around in my pockets with one hand while mindlessly casting Bind with the other. Money pouch? Loose robot components? Nonmagical yo-yo? Wrench? Wrench.

"No honor!" Mickey declared through clenched teeth. "Do you honestly think you can win by hovering in the air and using cheap tactics to wear me down? Everyone was right about you, Ghoul Boy, you really are a slippery push-over! You don't deserve Lady Aqua's hand in -"

There's nothing more satisfying in the world than chucking a hard object at someone and being rewarded with a cartoon-sounding "bonk" on their head.

With a window of opportunity now open, I dive bombed into my disorientated enemy and latched onto his legs in a death grip so he couldn't move. At this point, I didn't know what I was doing. I was just wingin' it!

Marmaduke came to his senses and tried to kick me off, but I wouldn't let him. Irritated, he did everything to pry me off his legs. "What the hell is wrong with you!? Get off me! Let go of my fucking legs!"

He used the flat side of his blade to beat me away while using his free hand to try and rip my arms off. With how crazy strong he was, I knew I didn't have much time left. The hand equipped with the Cursed Sword thingy came really close to my face. It was now or never!

Releasing my grip on Mack's legs, I grabbed onto his arm and the hilt of his sword. Without giving it a second thought, I sank my molars into his wrists and bit down. Hard. My mouth was immediately filled with the bitter taste of iron, but I was determined to go through with my crazy strategy.

The muscle-headed jock screamed in pain and instinctively dropped whatever his injured hand was holding. Bingo! I let go as he pushed me off to apply pressure on his now blood-soaked hand. While he was busy with that, you know I went straight for the sword, baby! I pointed it at the sky above my head and prepared to deliver the final blow…

Only for my adrenaline high to wear off and for my arms to realize the stinkin' thing was as bulky as it looked.

"H-Heavy! HEAVY!"

The sword eventually submitted to the forces of gravity. It clocked the flabbergasted teen on the noggin, making him grunt in surprise. He then submitted to the forces of gravity.

When I looked back at my posse, the girls stared at me with wide eyes like they didn't believe what they saw. I stared down at M-Guy's unconscious form, almost not believing it myself. Everything that happened up until that point kind of a blur for me.

"Wait, I won…?" I asked myself before realizing I had an audience and corrected myself. "Uh, I mean, of course I won! All according to plan! Ha-ha! Not so heroic now, are ya 'o' great chosen one'? Hero? More like zero! Another victory in the name of evil! Mwahahahaha!"

"You coward!"

"Hahahaha – hey, who's trying to undermine my big moment?"

I noticed two girls exit an alleyway, one with lime green hair and one with light pink hair. They were on the verge of tears and calling me names in the middle of the street. Way to kill the mood.

"Coward, coward, COWARD! What kind of cheater uses Mitsurugi's own weapon against him!?"

"You give back Cursed Sword Gram right now! You're not capable of using its powers, let alone holding it upright!"

Oh great, these must be his fangirls. I was so not in the mood to deal with opposing fangirls ready to claw my eyes out. I wish my CheerleaderBots were here to take out the trash.

Also, I can't use the sword's powers? I voiced my question to Aqua and she responded, "…Wha? Oh! Yeah, uh, it's his cheat item, so only he can channel its special powers. It's just a regular sword to anyone else who tries to use it."

Pursing my lips, I inspected the holy artifact that was still lying next to its KO'd owner.

I picked it up the hilt, dragged it away from Mitsurugi, and called back to Lime and Pinky, "Sorry, but it's finders keepers, losers weepers. And since he is the loser, I'll be the one keeping it."

"No, we won't let you! We'll take it back from you, you WORTHLESS coward!"

I stopped walking and stood in place, deaf to the world. I was no stranger to bullying, I had to quickly learn how to handle insults that came my way ever since I was a little kid. As you can imagine, it did wonders for my self-esteem and only got worse with time as my anxieties grew. For the most part, I feel like I've done a pretty decent job managing it all.

But today had left me feeling exhausted, irritated, and drained. Those dumb sluts didn't know it, but they had just tripped into a very personal and very sensitive land mine.

"Y'know…once I rule the world…I'll probably have to round up all the rebels who try to oppose me..."

I slowly and deliberately turned around to stare at them. Seeing two stuck-up bitches cower and tremble under my sharp gaze filled me with pure, unadulterated glee. It made my lips caked with the blood of their idol stretch further into a sadistic grin.

"Maybe you two would work well together slaving away in the salt mines. Not like you'd put up much of a fight anyhow – I mean, look at your boyfriend down there. If he couldn't last a few minutes against me, what the hell kind of chance do you two little shits have? Huh? Well? WELL!?"

I stomped closer, making them flinch away in terror. To really freak them out, my HeliBot's grabber claws came out and made menacing pinching gestures at them.

"What's the matter, too chicken to fight? C'mon, do it! Lemme see whatcha got! SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN' WORST! HAHAhahaHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"

Pinky and Lime screamed bloody murder as they ran down the street. Serves them right, the little fucks...

I breathed in and out, in and out, and blinked a couple dozen times. Rubbing my aching temples, I groaned groggily. Maybe staying up late and only getting less than thirty total hours of sleep this past month wasn't a bright idea. Especially considering maintaining a consistent sleep schedule is paramount to adapting to a new environment.

But thinking about it in depth was starting to make my head throb. Again, probably because the lack of sleep was slowly killing my brain. Ugh, fuck it.

Sighing, I turned back to my colleagues. Aqua hugged herself for safety, Megumin hid behind her staff looking more like a scared girl than a proud mage, and Darkness was on the ground blushing/hyperventilating like mad. No doubt she was envisioning herself in Lime and Pinky's shoes.

I awkwardly scratched the back of my neck before clearing my throat, "I uh…haven't been getting good rest lately...I should probably fix that, huh?"

"Yes, you should," answered back two of the three girls. The other one was still in La-La Land.

Chapter Text

I couldn't sleep.

I'll admit, pulling frequent all-nighters may have turned me into a bit of an insomniac. When you're constantly pulling at your hair brainstorming ways to defeat supernatural monk warriors, you'd lose track of sleep too. But to be fair, I've always had a habit of staying up late: whether it's to build more robots, play video games, or because the night terrors won't give me a break. Put all that together and you get Jack Spicer, Tired Teen Genius Extraordinaire...

Of course, sharing a "bed" with a living stump grinder doesn't exactly help my sleep schedule either.

While Aqua was happily snoozing away beside me, I was wide awake, staring intently at the wooden ceiling of this sad hovel that was my temporary base.

"Ugh...a rising evil star like me shouldn't have to live in a stable," I complained to myself. "If only a certain goddess has-been would learn to save her money instead of blowing it all on booze…"

A quick glance at said has-been revealed her to be sprawled out over on her side of the bed sheet. She scratched her exposed belly as she continued to sleep the night away. It was honestly jarring how someone who was once a divine entity could sleep like such a slob.

I shifted away from Aqua and switched power saving mode off on my wristwatch. My eyes immediately squinted from the sudden brightness emanating from the LCD screen. After about a minute of adjusting to the small source of light, I checked the current time:

3:05 AM

"Crap," I groaned. "Looks like I won't be getting any shut-eye tonight. Might as well work on the boys."

I know I promised the girls (and myself) that I'd get to sleep, but any hope of that died when I checked the time. If I'm still wide awake and it gets to be that late, I won't be going under anytime soon. I'm just better off doing something productive until either the sun rises or my body shuts down on me. Whichever comes first.

Unfortunately, I've run into a proverbial roadblock at the moment. While I would like to put the finishing touches on my JackBots, I can't access Sandbox Mode because I'm all out of MP. And just when I only needed a small amount of metal too!

"Goddammit..."

Sitting up in frustration from a lack of mana and sleep, I glared at anything I could find in the room. I just felt a strong urge to telepathically channel all of my annoyed vibes at something; y'know, to make me feel better about myself.

But that's when my evil eyes locked onto a tall object leaning by itself in the corner. The moonlight coming from outside our open window reflected off its smooth, sheen, metallic surface.

Cursed Sword Gram...

Since it was that lame-o hero's cheat item, he was the only one capable of activating its powers (kind of like a personalized Shen Gong Wu now that I think about it). In my hands, it was nothing more than a fancy paperweight that was too heavy for me to swing properly.

But…metal is metal.

"And it's free metal to boot. So don't mind if I do~"

Let me tell ya, tiptoeing away from your sleeping roommate while dragging a heavy-ass blade can definitely put some hair on your chest. Maybe one day I'll save up on enough skill points to purchase the Two-Handed Sword skill for future convenience. Regardless, the idea was irrelevant as Cursed Grammy here was on its way to get melted down for spare parts. And bad old Uncle Jack just so happens to know a smithy in his local area.

Tonight was the perfect night for a quick break-in-and-out.

Double-check for oil leaks...adjust any loose bolts...brush off the strands of hay…

"And now the pièce de résistance; the most important piece of them all…The. Emotion. Chip."

I couldn't afford to mess this up. These sensitive little chips were by far the hardest part of the whole process. After melting Cursed Gram down for its precious metal, I spent the rest of the night doing some hardcore coding on my laptop that I had hooked up to a portable generator (both of which were built from scratch ahead of time). But it was worth it, for these puppies are the push my babies need to make the jump from weak AI to strong AI! And I have Mitsubishi's refined taste in weaponry to thank.

Seriously, the metal in that blade was of very high quality. It was the ideal material to form the basis for my robots' emotion chips!

After yesterday's skirmish with that Manticore and Griffin, I doubled down hard on finishing my JackBots. The emotional roller coaster from that encounter turned out to be the wake-up call I needed to quit procrastinating and finish building my mechanized warriors. Frankly, after all the crap that's happened to me since coming here, I'm surprised it took this long for me to finally crack. I thought my former Heylin lackey days would better prepare me for crazy bullshit, but I guess not. This world was on a whole 'nother level of insanity compared to mine.

Oh well, less time spent mulling over it, the better. "Let sleeping dogs lie," as the old saying goes. Or as Cheeseball would phrase it, "Allow snoozing canines to fib".

Did I say phrase it? I meant butcher it like a screaming cow.

Anyway, I still needed to install the last emotion chip and close up JB-CUPC4K3's head. That's right, the same JackBot unit from Attack Squad Sigma, not just a blank slate. I won't bore you with the exceedingly complicated calculations involved, but I managed to rig up a multidimensional network router to access my servers from Earth and transfer my robots' memory files. That's why it never hurts to have backups for whenever your robots get trashed: to preserve their memories and retain their individuality!

Oh, uh, and to extract tactical information from battles. Yeah, that's important too...

While I was at it, I also took the liberty of setting up a new cloud network so that if my JackBots get destroyed in this world, their updated memory files will be automatically sent to my devices provided the emotion chip is still intact. Again, complicated process, I'll spare you the details. Just know that I am a very determined genius when I want to be. If I have to reinvent the whole damn internet (porn and all) just to do something, I will. But thankfully I can just tap into it from across the multiverse! 

Using a pair of tweezers, I gently lowered the final emotion chip into place. An amateur engineer would lose their cool about now and drop it into the jungle of wires. However, I am no amateur. I've done this procedure so many times, I could do it with my eyes clo-

"RRREEEEEEhehehe!"

"AHH!"

The horse two stables away let out a neigh that was so loud and sudden, it almost made me snap the chip in half with my tweezers. Bad lord, you'd think that horse was on its way to a glue factory with the way it was screaming! Damn barnyard animals, it's been like that since the first night Aqua and I moved into the stables. And the owner calls us out on being too loud!

"One of these days we're moving outta this dump and into a mansion, I swear…"

I collected myself and installed the chip before my low luck stat could cause more misfortune. I refuse to let anything set me back when it comes to my passion; robotics was pretty much all I had going on for me. It's the one talent I'm best at and I won't let the world take that away from me. I'll conquer it before it gets the chance.

Putting my tools away, I stood proudly in front of my babies all neatly lined up in a row. They were floating via their antigrav systems instead of their propulsion jets because barns are the second most flammable things in existence next to gas stations. The only real downside is that it eats up their power reserves like how I eat up my pudding stash. But hey, that's what the portable generator was for. I designed it to take lamp oil as that was the most common and easily available source of fuel to get around here. So long as I keep it full and the merchants keep supplying the goods, we've got as much power as we need! 

"Alright, enough stalling," I said to myself before chuckling at the unintended wordplay. "Let's get this party started, baby!"

I walked around the JackBots and systematically flipped the "ON" switch built into the back of their heads. Upon activation, they proceeded to state the leet designations I so lovingly assigned to them. I refuse to let that outdated form of internet slang die, okay? It was so dumb and stupid and I loved it.

"JB unit B2U1532: Online."

"JB unit C2U5H32: Online."

"JB unit 514Y32: Online."

"JB unit W23CK32" Online."

"JB unit 24V4G32: Online."

"JB unit CUPC4K3: Online."

Bruiser, Crusher, Slayer, Wrecker, Ravager, and Cupcake. Attack Squad Sigma was back in business!

After the JackBots warmed up their systems, I ordered for them to run a self-diagnostic scan just to be sure everything was running at optimal efficiency. As soon as the last of the scan results came up positive, my anxieties melted away like butter.

"All systems are at 100% peak performance, Master," Bruiser reported in a cadence similar to a B1 battle droid.

"Awesome. I was worried about having to fix any bugs," I said. "Also, you guys can drop the formalities, we're not doing anything right now."

"Cool beans," Bruiser expressed, hovering a little closer to the ground to convey he was no longer "standing at attention". Really glad they weren't using their propulsion jets now, the hay on the ground would've caught on fire otherwise.

"Now that that's out of the way, where are we exactly?" Cupcake asked while swiveling his head 360 degrees. "This building does not match with the blueprints of your Fortress of Eviltude."

"Yeah, no offense sir, but this place looks more like where Clay sleeps," Wrecker commented. "I'm grateful you didn't incorporate smell-o-vision into our sensory receptors."

"Well, suppose I should catch y'all up to speed – and there I go sounding like the country bumpkin himself...' I trailed off before shaking my head. "Anyway, let me just give you the condensed version."

Okay, Jack, deep breath. Inhale as much oxygen as your lungs will allow. Here we go...

"IdiedonEarthinanembarrassingwayandgotreincarnatedbyauselessgoddessnamedAquawhoalsoaccompaniesmealongsideanExplosionhappygirlnamedMeguminandamasochisticbuthotCrusadernamedDarknessasweadventureinapseudomedievalworldwithlightJRPGelementstodefeattheDevilKingsothatIcantakehisplaceandruletheworld!"

NAILED IT! I thought I'd pass out before I could get all that out. I trusted the bots to make sense of all that; I've upgraded their audio receptors to decipher my rapid-fire speech long ago. They're one of few things in existence that can actually understand me like that.

Wrecker made a buzzing sound before registering my answer. "Bzzt. Uh…affirmative. Anyway, our partnership logs have already been updated with these people you've described, so there's that. But what do you mean you died and are no longer on Earth?"

"What happened?" asked Slayer.

"Are you okay?" wondered Bruiser.

"Were you assassinated!?" demanded Ravager.

"Was it the work of a saboteur?" inquired Crusher.

"Do you need your security blanket!?" fretted Cupcake.

My robots hovered around me beeping question after question, all wanting to hear the juicy details. In hindsight, maybe it would've been more efficient to preprogram them with knowledge of our situation. But, in my defense, even the most brilliant of geniuses are prone to being absent-minded. Either way, I gave them all a rundown on what happened to me and how I got here, starting with my epiphany in Hong Kong and ending with yesterday's quest.

"After that, I got up off my butt and finished repairing you guys by transferring your data across time and cyberspace. And...I think that just about covers it. Any questions?"

Sigma Squad hovered silently after I finished telling them what their daddy had been up to while they were out. The scans didn't show any errors in their systems, so I was starting to get worried when they didn't say anything. I was about to perform a manual diagnostic on them myself when Crusher thankfully spoke up.

"It's clear to me you've faced many hardships since your arrival. Had we been there, we would've protected and comforted you. A thousand apologies, Master..."

"Hey, you guys hadn't been reconstructed yet. Don't beat yourselves up over something you couldn't control," I gently reassured. "Besides, the rebuilding process would've gone a lot faster if I had a bigger mana pool; it takes a whole night's sleep just to replenish all my magic!"

"While we're on the subject of sleep, how much rest have you gotten?" Slayer asked. "My sensors indicate your natural complexion is 29.8% paler than usual, even when compared to the typical range of albino skin tones. Don't tell me you've been staying up late again...?"

I had a funny feeling they would bring this up. That's what I get for equipping them with advanced sensory technology.

"Heh, well, uh…c'mon guys! It's not like I haven't slept at all since coming here. I've managed to get some sleep...every now and then."

The machines let out a low whistle which indicated they were unsure about something. Seems as though my response wasn't enough to satisfy them.

"Jack, I don't mean to be that bot right now, but humans your age need at least eight to ten hours of sleep in order to function," Ravager cautiously lectured. "And in your case, twelve hours minimum. We all know how cranky you can get otherwise."

"Guys, look, I get it. I don't have the greatest sleep schedule in the world," I said tiredly, having already gone through this song and dance with my robots before. "But I'm doing fine, trust me. When have I ever steered you guys wrong?"

No answer. That's what I thought!

"Exactly. Everything's bad in the neighborhood, which is good for us bad guys! Now, I gotta go meet up with Aqua and the girls at the guild. I'll contact you guys if there's trouble. Copy?"

"Affirmative!" They all confirmed with a salute. 

Man, I almost forgot what it felt like to be respected unconditionally. It's still just as sweet as ever!

"JACK SPICER! I've been waiting for you!"

Oh great, the last person I wanted to see. Looks like he's stalking me now.

I didn't even have a chance to make it up the steps to the guild when M-Guy came at me from behind. Those two fangirls of his were tagging along as well, like the gold diggers they were. Although once they spotted me, they rightfully kept their distance. So at least they know their place in my world.

"Fio and Cremea told me you threatened them after cheating your way to victory in our last showdown!" he crowed. "Not only that, but sources say you also like dousing women in rancid slime! You really are no better than Kazuma the Cad!"

"Oh my god, are people still hung up by that slime thing!?" I complained to the sky with my hands raised. "I thought it was like an 'unspoken ritual' for rookies to nearly get eaten by Giant Toads! That is a thing, right?"

Ministration ignored me and continued, "On behalf of all women, I demand that you give my party members a formal apology this instant!"

"You tell him, Kyouya!" cheered the pink one.

"Yeah, make him beg for our forgiveness!" urged the lime one. I don't know or care which one is supposed to be Fio and Cremea. So I'm calling them by their hair colors.

…

Oh wait...they're being serious, aren't they? They honestly expect me to grovel before them after I won unfair and square? HAH! What a buncha losers! I just had to laugh right in their dumb faces, there was no other option!

"Hahahaha! Oh man, that's rich! I can't believe that was actually your revenge plan: ask the bad guy to apologize for kicking your butt! Heh-heh-heh…Yeah, no, beat it."

As I proceeded up the stairs to the guild, Mumbo felt the need to call out in desperation. "WAIT, hold on!"

More curious than annoyed, I glanced back down to see what he could possibly want now. He really looked about as desperate as he sounds.

"Look, forget about apologizing to the girls; that's not what's important here."

Damn! I'm just as stunned as Lime and Pinky over there.

"And I know you're the last person I should ask anything from, but…"

If I wasn't already taken aback by now, I was when the dude started bowing before me. Bowing! Like he's been my loyal subject for all his life! And I didn't even have to assert myself as the new Devil King to make it happen.

"Please give me back my Cursed Sword Gram! If you do, I swear on my hero's oath that I will buy you the second-best sword in all the land! Or I can give you as much as you need to purchase any high-grade equipment! Name your price!"

Name my price, eh? In that case...

"Five million eris. Cash, not check."

"Consider it done."

That actually worked!?

The gullible hero pulled out a money pouch full to bursting and handed it off to me, no questions asked! I opened the sack to count some of the coins and bills, did a couple rough estimations in my head accounting for volume and weight, and concluded that there was – in fact – roughly five million eris stuffed in that tiny burlap bag. Maybe even a little over.

Does...does Mississippi not know the value of the dollar? I get eris is a different currency that relates more to yen than USD, but the point still stands: this dude was economically illiterate! And this is coming from a guy born into a business family who wastes half of his allowance on junk food!

Eh, either way, I'm not looking this gift horse in the mouth. I just made the biggest swindle in my entire villainous career! I'm laughing all the way to the bank, baby!

"I believe that should cover your expenses," said the guy more financially irresponsible than Aqua. "It is but a small price to pay to get my sword back. Now, may I please be reunited with Cursed Sword Gram?"

"Oh, I'm afraid that won't be possible considering how I technically don't have it anymore," I remarked while tossing my booty around in my hands.

There was a slight eye twitch followed by a passing dry chuckle. This should be an interesting watch to unfold. Wish I had popcorn.

"Uh…heh, heh, good one, Jack. But seriously, where is the Cursed Sword Gram?"

"I already told you: it's gone bye-bye. I had it melted down last night to make programming chips. It's not like I could've used it in combat, it was too heavy. That's why I turned it into something that would be more useful to me. Genius, no?"

Mindy's shoulders went slack. His mouth, agape. Eyes, wide as saucers. Worldview, shattered by the one and only Master of Evil!

Eventually, he mustered the inner strength to speak again. "Y-You melted my sword down…my unique and irreplaceable weapon…and you used it to make p-programming chips...?"

Minnie chuckled a little to himself. Then chuckled some more. Soon the chuckles mutated into a full-blown hysterical laugh akin to the Joker. Then he just let out an anguished wail like he watched his whole family die! His two fangirls were naturally getting freaked out over their boy toy losing his marbles in public. Before they could make a move to comfort him, though, he stopped screaming to rage at me.

"First your shitty family buys out my father's dream job, and now you've ruined my second chance at life!" cursed the unhinged Japanese teenager. "Mark my words, Spicer, the Mitsurugi name will be avenged! You hear me!? AVENGED!"

Before I could get a word in edgewise, Mitten ran off, stringing together another set of profanities and curses at my family name. His two fangirls cried out for him as they tried to keep up.

"…Did I unintentionally create an origin story for a possible supervillain? Neat! He was definitely more suited to be a bad guy than a good guy. The evil rant could use some work though."

With five million eris in hand, I strutted inside the guild like I owned the place (because for all intents and purposes, I did). It was inside that I noticed the girls were seated at the bar counter instead of one of the tables. Shaking things up I see. Well, I just made a small fortune, so I'm down for anything today. Let's live a little!

I opened with a zinger, "Hey girls, what's up? And I don't mean the ceiling!"

Megumin groaned overdramatically at my joke while Darkness rolled her eyes and smiled at me. 

"Good morning to you too, Jack," the blonde bombshell chuckled. "You certainly seem to be in much better spirits. I trust a good night's rest did you well?"

I was in such a great mood, I was able to lie straight in Darkness's charming face. "Yup! I feel like I can do anything today…Hey, uh, what's with Aqua over there?"

While I was in the middle of congratulating myself on a nefarious job well done, I failed to notice Aqua slumped on the counter with her head buried in her arms.

"Oh yeah, that reminds me, we have some bad news," Megumin sighed. "Our reward money for the Griffin-Manticore kill quest was revoked. My Explosion Magic caused significant property damage to the village's carrot patch. Now the guild is using the posted bounty to cover the damages…"

"And as you can see, Aqua is taking the news quite personally," Darkness added. "She hasn't said a word after Luna came to inform us of our involuntary transgression. I'm worried she might be relapsing into another withdrawn state."

If it were any other day, I might've been worried too. But my luck stat must be pulling out of the red, because today ain't like any other day!

"Pffft! Is that all? Well, look what Uncle Jack managed to scrounge up in his off time!"

I plopped the money pouch onto the counter, the musical sound of coins clinging together inside further stroking my ego. The stunned reactions coming from Megumin and Darkness were priceless I tell ya.

However, their reactions were dwarfed by Aqua's reaction to my five mil. All of a sudden, she pulled her head out of arms and sniffed the air around her like were some kind of bloodhound. When her nose led her to the money pouch, her eyes widened and sparkled with life again.

"Jack-Jack! You brought us 5,425,369 eris?" she gasped excitedly. "You really are the best! Now mama can buy herself her morning beer!"

I was so put off wondering how Aqua could sniff exact change, I didn't bother to stop her from scooping a handful of my dough. But she did say there was 5.4 million eris in that bag...apparently. I'll let it slide for now. But she better not expect any more handouts.

"There's over five million in that one pouch!?" the Archwizard choked in surprise. "Where in the name of the Dark God did you get all that money!?"

Darkness eyed me suspiciously. "You didn't steal this from the bank, did you? Petty theft is one thing, but I will not turn a blind eye to a serious crime."

I gladly indulged in the girls' questions by recapping the run-in I had with that lame excuse for a hero. Meanwhile, Aqua used her handful of eris to spot us all breakfast.

"So after he blindly gave away a small fortune he had in his pants, I dropped the bomb and told him I already melted his sword down for robot parts last night! You should've seen the look on that meathead's face!"

Strangely enough, Megumin interrupted my maniacal laughing to point something out. "Wait, you melted down his sword last night? I thought you said you finally got some rest..."

Aqua slammed her mug after taking a big gulp and added, "Hey, that reminds me! When I woke up this morning, Jack wasn't lying next to me in our haystack. He was in that spare stable working on his robot thingies again!"

Uh-oh, I've been caught. Wuya was right, I really do need to learn to think before I speak.

"Fine, so I pulled another all-nighter!" I admitted in exasperation (seems like everyone's trying to be a helicopter parent today). "I tried going to sleep but I just couldn't, okay!? Can't fault an insomniac for at least trying…"

Dark rested her arms on the counter top and studied my face as she spoke. "Jack...I can see bags forming under your eyes, even underneath all that eyeliner."

"Still can't believe you put on makeup," Aqua snorted, sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. "Are you sure you're the only guy in the party?"

"Zip it!" I demanded with a stern finger point. "It's my own take on villainous cosmetics, something you wouldn't understand."

"As I was saying..." Darkness continued with a flat look. "You have some pretty heavy bags under your eyes. We're concerned for your well-being, as should you. Burning the candle at both ends is not a healthy lifestyle."

I'm sorry, but if I couldn't trust my own parents to look after me growing up, I can't trust you girls with that either. Call it being paranoid or insecure, but I'm not ready to open up to these three just yet. I'm still bracing myself for the day they inevitably throw me under the bus.

"Girls, girls, please. I can take care of myself. Besides, I'm not even that tired -"

A huge yawn suddenly escaped my mouth the second it was open wide enough. Steeling my nerves, I swiftly slapped both cheeks and put a stop to that. My face stung, but it had to be done.

"…See? Not tired!"

Aqua and Megumin didn't seem convinced. As for Darkness…

"Uh, h-how much force did you apply to your cheeks just then? A-Asking for a friend."

"Oh, sure, I bet 'Chris' is just dying to know," I snarked, unwittingly encouraging the pervert's fetish. I keep forgetting I can't be my usual rude self to her without it being twisted into something sexual.

"How about we change the subject?" suggested the party's designated pyrotechnician. "There's something I've been meaning to ask Aqua about anyway."

Megumin turned to the blue girl munching on fried toad legs and tapped her shoulder. Once Aqua took notice, she got straight to the point. "That Mitsurugi guy kept calling you 'goddess' for some reason, and there was talk about him and Jack being 'reincarnated'. What was that all about?"

Aqua and I locked eyes with one another. We never thought about what would happen if our teammates asked these sort of questions. We were fine lying to Yunyun and Satou since the former was too shy to visit and the latter was already from Earth. But we couldn't exactly keep our associates in the dark forever. They were bound to find out sooner or later.

With a huff of air, I decided to come clean. "Megumin, Dark, I think it's time we told you the truth about us. See...I'm not from around here..."

As soon as I noticed Megumin raising a finger and opening her mouth to respond, I immediately cut her off. "And when I say 'I'm not from around here', I don't mean that in the 'I'm from another kingdom' kind of way. No, I mean I'm not from this world. I come from a technologically advanced planet called Earth in the Milky Way galaxy somewhere in the multiverse. Aqua was the one who brought me to your world here."

Aqua didn't even bother to wipe the crumbs off her face when she brazenly spoke up. "He's right, and I can vouch for him! For you see, I am no ordinary Archpriest. I am secretly Goddess Aqua! Yes, the one and only Goddess Aqua of the Axis Sect.! The Council of Heaven selected me to guide and reincarnate the souls of teenaged humans who die in a specific region of Earth! We're sorry for not telling you sooner by the way. We were worried you wouldn't be able to handle the truth."

…

Y'know...hearing the premise of our situation surmised like that out loud...even I don't buy it. 

Aqua and I stared intently into Darkness and Megumin's eyes. It became an awkward co-op staring contest for as long as any of us could remember. Finally, after what felt like a friggin' year, the Crusader and Crimson Demon gave their responses respectively.

"EEEHHH!? You mean...you're really the Goddess Aqua? As in senior to the Goddess Eris!?" Darkness proceeded to bow on one knee and lower her head in what I assumed was respect. "Even though I am a faithful devotee to your junior, I should still feel blessed and honored to have a divine being such as yourself in my humble party. From the bottom of this lowly Crusader's heart, I thank thee..."

Megumin twirled her staff high in the air and aimed it at Aqua, who leaned back in response. Despite being indoors where there was no draft, her cape managed flutter behind her dramatically. "OF COURSE! How could I have not detected it sooner with the wicked powers of my forbidden sixth sense? You are indeed a holy entity sent forth by the realm of the gods to test me for my explosive prowess!"

The little mage slammed her staff and covered her face with her left gloved hand, leaving her middle and ring fingers open a crack to peek out with her right eye. "Very well then...I accept your challenge! When thou hast returned home, let your kind know that I, Megumin, the Crimson Demon Clan Genius, am ready to join your ranks in godhood..."

And here I thought I had a god complex…or was that an inferiority complex?

"Hang on, time out, hold your horses and the phone!" I blurted out loud. I needed to make absolutely sure we were all on the same page here. "So…you two believe me when I say I come from another world, right?"

"Right," they said at the same time.

"And that also means you believe Aqua is a goddess who reincarnated me, right?"

"Right," they said again.

Yet when I say I'm evil incarnate, you don't buy!? Wow, okay, wow; I'm getting real fucking sick of this shit.

"To be honest, I've always suspected you weren't native to Belzerg," Darkness explained. "The signs that you were a foreigner were present: your clothes, accent, odd sayings, they all pointed to you being from out of town at the very least. Why, your bewilderment of things we consider mundane was practically a dead giveaway! Though given this recent revelation, I understand now why our creatures and customs might've come across as shocking for you."

Megumin elaborated, "Yeah, and as for Aqua being a goddess, we've seen her do some pretty extraordinary stuff to back it up: like the time she lifted that death curse off of Darkness. Not even the most advanced magic users can single-handedly perform such a feat with ease. Then there was yesterday when she attracted a wandering undead; only people and objects with a divine aura can do that. Heck, she shares the same name as the Axis cultists' deity of worship! At this point, it would be harder to believe she isn't a goddess."

Aqua raised her chin snootily from all the talk and praise she was receiving. She gazed at me with lidded eyes and spoke in that condescending tone I've heard way too often in my life. "Sorry, Jackie. I suppose it can't be helped that I've enamored them with my divine powers and charm. You'll just have to take a back seat while I carry this team to success~"

Oh no, this is worse than I thought. Not only do they still not believe I'm evil, but they've fully accepted Aqua as a genuine goddess! If I'm not careful, she could easily take over my position as leader! I need to do something to knock her down a peg before her ego floats off into space.

"Wipe your mouth, you've got schmutz all over your face."

I expected to get some kind of reaction out of Aqua, and boy did she deliver. Her eyes snapped open, she licked some of the crumbs off the corner of her lips, and she turned her whole body away to furiously wipe her mouth with her sleeve while uttering, "You suck!"

My laughter was cut off by the PA system announcing an emergency at the front gates again. It also stated for my party specially to report as well. I felt a foreboding cramp in the pit of my stomach when I heard that.

Everyone in the guild murmured amongst themselves about us as they all got up to head to the gates. All the adventurers dropped their gossiping when they saw what the emergency was all about, and I didn't need to expend any brainpower figuring out why once the crowd parted for me.

The Headless Horseman's stepson was back in town.

"Cabbage Ninja, Archpriest, Crazy Crimson girl...do you think this is funny? Is this your idea of a joke? Well? IS IT!?"

The pulsating dark energy flared around him and his decapitated horse neighed demonically, putting the horse living in the stable next-door to shame. "WHY DO YOU KNAVES KEEP BOMBARDING MY CASTLE!?"

What!? How was that possible? We hadn't bothered him after he threatened us the first time around. I even brought this up to him.

"What are you talking about? We've entered a ceasefire!" I hollered.

"A ceasefire!? How dare you lie to my face, impudent knave!" The Dullahan cried, nearly throwing his own head to the ground in frustration before realizing how bad of an idea that was. "That little arsonist of yours continues to cast Explosion Magic on my home! Since you seem to be her party leader, that must mean you are the one responsible for these continued acts of aggression!"

Slowly, and deliberately, I turned around to face the aforementioned arsonist. She was currently looking everywhere else except at me.

As much as I wanted to smack her upside the head for dooming us all, I was raised not to hit a girl unless defending myself. That being said, I wasn't raised to not roughly pull their hats down over their heads until they begged for mercy.

"Ow-Ow-OW! Stop it, Jack, cut it out!" she cried.

"I thought we agreed to leave him alone, Megumin! We even pinkie promised! Did that mean nothing to you!?" I cried angrily. 

Reluctantly, I let the Crimson Demon go to allow her a chance to explain herself. She glanced down at her boots as she said, "W-Well, you see...up until recently, casting Explosion on an empty field was enough for me. But ever since tasting the pleasure of blowing up a castle, it's different…"

Megumin paused, then disturbingly rubbed her staff while fidgeting. "Now I have to unleash on something big and hard in order to feel satisfied~"

"Ew. Remind me to never touch your staff," I remarked in disgust before realizing something. "But hang on...you can't move after you use your magic! That means you must've had an accomplice to carry you home! So who -"

Suddenly, I heard what sounded like someone blowing a raspberry. I found Aqua looking the other way, trying to pass off her mouth farts as innocent whistling. When she glanced at me, she chuckled nervously.

"I-I mean, it is that guy's fault there aren't any easy quests anymore. So I wanted to help Megumin get back at him for it. Heh…heh…"

I'm surrounded by suicidal morons! 

The Demon General's booming voice forced us to focus on the matter at hand. "Hear me, mortals! I am Beldia: a Knight who was unjustly sentenced to death and reborn as a Dullahan through my grudge! Though I may now serve the Devil King, I still like to hold onto my old Knight sensibilities. Which is why I find it most appalling that none of you have come seeking retribution for your ally's death! In my opinion, that Crusader was a a true protector of the people! She used her own body to shield you from my Herald Death and you repay her with apathy? Disgraceful! What would she think of you if she were still here – IS THAT FUCKING HER RIGHT NOW!?"

Beldia lost his cool when he saw Darkness, alive and kicking, step out from the crowd. Call me crazy, but I think she was actually blushing from genuine modesty instead of arousal. What's next? Psychokinetic aliens coming down to tell us we only have magic powers because they mated with ancient man?

No, don't be ridiculous, Jack. Earth humans mated with this world's people, not aliens...

I miss my old, scientific worldviews.

"G-Gosh! You really think that highly of me?" Darkness questioned meekly to the flabbergasted Beldia. "I'm just doing my job, really..."

The fields of Axel were especially quiet now, a complete one-eighty to how it was just minutes ago. But that didn't last for very long.

"How!? How could you possibly still be alive!?" Beldia shouted. "It's been well over a week since I cursed you!"

That's when Aqua went into a riot, laughing her empty little head off. "Oh man, get a load of this guy! Silly old Beldia didn't know I dispelled his curse as soon as he left! He's just been waiting for us to come to his castle this whole time! HAH! I bet he was pacing around in his room like a little kid waiting for his playmate!"

Aqua, you might wanna tone it down. The Dullahan was radiating some serious murder energy right now.

"Insolence! I should slaughter every inhabitant of this backwater town!" fumed the Demon General. "No mere novice shall make a fool out of -"

"Yeah, whatever!" Aqua shouted indignantly as she raised a hand to Beldia. "Turn Undead!"

The Dullahan was enveloped in a raging pillar of light. He screamed in agony along with his steed before the latter disintegrated entirely. The light faded and Beldia was left rolling on the ground, writhing in pain.

"Wait, that's not right..." Aqua muttered worriedly. "My magic wasn't effective!"

"You kiddin'? It seemed effective to me. Super effective even!" I argued.

I watched Beldia stand back up and carefully pick his head off the ground. One of his eyes lit up as he regarded Aqua. "Such a spell...! You…you can't possibly be a novice, can you? I thought only low-leveled adventurers lived in this town! Perhaps there really is something to my investigation here after all..."

Dusting himself off, the decapitated man composed himself and proclaimed, "No matter! For I shall leave no witnesses left alive to -"

"Sacred Turn Undead!"

Beldia was once again zapped by a divine ray of light courtesy of Aqua, except this one seemed much more intense than the last. Just like before, he rolled around on the ground wailing in pain.

"Yup, it's official: my purification magic isn't strong enough to one-shot him," Aqua sighed.

"Again, I still think you did quite a number on him," I reassured.

After scooping up his head a second time, Beldia cast dark magic to shroud the area in front of him in a black mist. What came next were dozens upon dozens of necrotic hands freeing themselves from the earth. The owners of the hands crawled out of the ground and revealed themselves to the world as hideous zombies, all armed to the teeth with medieval weapons and armor. A real Army of Darkness moment! All we needed now was Ash Williams to come in with his Boomstick and say, "Groovy"! 

"I may not be keen on killing the weak myself, but the same cannot be said for my minions. It's a Devil King's Army tradition to let the underlings take care of the rabble..." Beldia growled, straightening himself up like the army general he was. "Undead Knights! Raze this pathetic town to the ground! Leave none left alive!"

So...the boss was sending in his underlings to do the dirty work for him, huh? Classic villain move, I'll give him that. In fact, I think this was the perfect opportunity for me to finally settle the age old debate of robots vs zombies. Take a wild guess where my money's on.

Sensing my time to shine, I calmly stepped forward from my group in order to meet the general halfway across the field. My teammates questioned my actions while also warning me to back off, but I ignored them. No way was I gonna pass this up.

Beldia said nothing to me as I met him halfway. It's likely he was curious and wanted to "humor" me for a bit. Once I stopped walking, I took a brief moment to scrutinize his small army.

"So your idea of minions are mindless, rotting corpses?" I taunted cheekily. "Ooooo~! I'm sooooo scared~! What ever shall I do against enemies that already died once before?"

Never mind the fact this could also be applied to me technically.

"I don't believe this..." Beldia huffed in obvious amusement. "You're actually taunting me. You must be incredibly foolish to get this close simply to mock, boy."

"How could I NOT mock?" I countered. "Anybody who's played the Goo Zombies games knows that zombies are basic bitch minions. My minions, on the other hand, are in a league of their own. They'll wipe the floor with your glorified maggot farms like it's nothing!"

"What in the name of the Devil King's Daughter are you on about? Surely you don't mean those three maidens in your party? I'll admit, the Archpriest has some bite to her, and that Crimson Demon's Explosion is indeed powerful. But not even they will be able to withstand a raging horde of Undead Knights! Isn't that right, men?"

The zombies gargled a malicious war cry while raising whatever weapons they had into the air. I inputted the call command in my communicator without so much as glancing down.

"Oh, the girls aren't my minions..."

Soon the nostalgic sound of soaring jet engines pierced the air. When the undead group looked above my head, they somehow managed to convey bewilderment through their skeletal faces. Heck, even Beldia seemed to be baffled, and his head's face was hidden underneath that helmet.

"These are my minions!"

After no doubt shitting bricks at the sight of my homemade henchmen, Beldia made a jab in an attempt to downplay the situation.

"Six oddly-shaped golems against twenty Undead Knights? Unconventional, to say the least. But ultimately futile."

"Golems?" I heard one of the JackBots repeat back to the others. "That's a new one."

"Beats being called tin cans..." another stated plainly. 

I don't care if that technically was a less insulting term, nobody writes my boys off as mere golems!

"Hey! My JackBots are NOT golems! They are robots! Say it with me now: rah-oh-bots! Got it? Automatons and droids are also acceptable."

My words must've gone in one ear and out the other because the hulking Neanderthal didn't acknowledge my clarification in any way. Instead, he pointed a finger at me.

"Undead Knights! Rain hell upon this arrogant upstart!"

Oh yeah? Well I got the better catchphrase!

"JackBots: ATTACK!"

As Beldia's mob charged, Attack Squad Sigma entered melee mode by extending their retracted hands and switching their clawed digits for saw blades. Once those blades whirred to life, they flew directly into the Undead Knights at Godspeed.

The following battle would be a worthy contender for the crowning achievement in JackBot history since protecting me from Wuya's rock monsters. Despite the glaring number disadvantage, my boys fiercely stood their ground...air? You know what I mean, they had no problems holding their own against the Undead Knights. Assuming Beldia's goons were lucky enough to even land a hit, the damage they inflicted was negligible. All the monsters had to show for their efforts were some light scratches and a couple of small dents.

Titanium armor plating sure was the bee's knees. A supernatural Chinese monk might be able to punch through it, but a reanimated corpse? Not a chance.

The intrusive buzzing of rapidly spinning saw blades dominated the battlefield as the JackBots mowed down the competition. Although I did wince at the sight of rotted blood and guts being spilled and had to look away. I may have been somewhat desensitized to gore from slaying monsters and watching horror movies, but I'd still rather not see the real thing. Hope I can control my gag reflex when I go to wash the zombie viscera off my JackBots later...

The Undead Knights were all torn to shreds like used tissue paper. Their deteriorated bodies and incomplete armor sets did not do them any favors. All that was left was a large, unmoving pile of dismembered limbs and torsos. Thank Romero these zombies didn't operate on Return of the Living Dead logic, or we'd be here for a while.

I looked back at the Devil King General and grinned sadistically. "Well, would you look at that? Looks like I have the better minions after all. Told ya they were in a league of their own!"

"SO FREAKING COOL!"

Unfortunately, during my gloating of the enemy, that shrill exclamation made me flinch in surprise. I angrily whipped around to locate the source.

Using my Farsight skill to look back at the town gate, I easily outed an ecstatic Megumin as the likely suspect. While Aqua, Darkness, and the rest of the adventurers seemed downright stunned at what they just witnessed, the Crimson Demon was the pumped the fuck up. It was great to receive some recognition, don't get me wrong, but not when it also kinda undermines my big moment.

"Did you really make those things yourself, Jack? That's insane!" Megumin hollered across the field. "Those have gotta be some of the coolest golems I've ever seen!"

"I just said they're robots, get it right!" I shouted back in frustration. Why do I get the feeling that was going to become an annoying pattern in the future?

Never mind, Beldia was speaking again. "So...it would seem your 'robots' have dispatched all of my Undead Knights, even with the buffs bestowed upon us by the Devil King. Impressive…"

"Thanks~!" I responded, genuinely flattered.

"Impressive for a COWARD that is!"

Backhanded compliments...should've known.

"Hiding behind warriors doesn't make you a man, it makes you a gutless whelp!" Beldia chastised, seemingly not realizing the hypocrisy of his own words. "Those creations of yours may have defeated my underlings, but they have yet to take me on!"

The former Knight assumed a battle stance (as well as one can perform while cradling their own head) and the JackBots took the initiative of circling him.

"Your move, Cabbage Ninja…" he taunted.

I think I see what was going on here. He's baiting me into attacking first so that he can do…something. Don't know what that something is exactly, but it's never a good sign if the enemy is willing to let you throw the first punch.

Luckily, I still had the element of surprise on my side. Beldia doesn't know about the bots' secondary laser-fire mode; he's probably expecting them to rush in with their saw blades again. Even though he was heavily protected by stainless-steel armor, his thighs, abdomen, and inner forearms were left completely exposed…

"JackBots: OPEN FIRE! AIM FOR HIS BODYSUIT!"

"My what!?" Beldia squawked. 

Attack Squad Sigma retracted their bladed arms in favor of their chest-mounted plasma rifles. Within seconds, highly concentrated energy blasts were fired upon the general's weak spots. The best part? It was actually working!

The Dullahan suffered from intense spasms with each new shot directed at his bodysuit. Speaking of, it actually reminded me of Darkness's own bodysuit. I think that's what sparked a subconscious chain of events wherein I connected bodysuits with pain and sensitivity. Guess I owe it to that perv and her flaming masochism.

Soon Beldia knelt before the unrelenting onslaught of lasers. My boys closed in on their target to shorten the traveling distance of the plasma beams, making them more concentrated and deadly. Just when it seemed like a clean victory was imminent, Murphy's law reared its ugly head.

Or rather tossed it.

With a guttural roar, Beldia threw his own head high up into the air. Before it could succumb to the forces of gravity, however, it ominously remained frozen in the sky. Then, in an underwear-changing turn of events, the horrifying mirage of a large fiery eye encompassed it. It almost made the head look like a functioning...pupil…

Oh no.

"Uh, JackBots...?"

I tried to call out to my homeboys, but my efforts were in vain. Beldia's body was already slipping past every single one of their plasma shots with speed rivaling Chase Young's. Most of the misfires turned into friendly fires due to the squad shooting in a tight circle. It was the battle for the Mind Reader Conch all over again!

To make things even worse on my end, Beldia pulled out a ginormous sword from out of nowhere and performed a devastating spin-slash maneuver. After he stopped spinning, nothing happened for a while. Did his attack whiff or what...?

Well, I'd get my answer in the form of Crusher falling apart from a horizontal cut in the middle of his chassis.

Ravager, Bruiser, Wrecker, Slayer, Cupcake, it was the same for all of them. All cut in half by the Headless Horsemen's stepson. Weeks of blood, sweat, and tears down the drain! I just...I'm gonna puke fucking blood, man – that's how dogshit unfair this all was!

"Who's next?"

And just like that, we're back to crippling fear and anxiety.

The eye mirage had already disappeared and Beldia's head was secured in his left hand again. In his right was a sword twice the length and width of my body. And he was calmly approaching me with it.

"O-O-Okay, easy there, buddy!" I stammered nervously while backing away. "Tell ya what, you strike me as a reasonable man. How about we cut a deal?"

"How about I cut you instead?"

Beldia dashed towards me with his inhuman speed. The only thing I could do was wince.

But instead of a big-ass sword to the gut, a mini shockwave knocked me off my feet. I barely got the words out of my mouth when I fell.

"Darkness!?"

"Stay behind me!" she ordered. "I can take him!"

An undead Knight and a living Crusader, clashing swords in a fierce stalemate right in front of me. It would've been cool to watch if my life wasn't on the line.

"Vile fiend!" Darkness grunted. "You struck them all down…YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"

"They were but metal shells imitating life!" Beldia callously stated. "What makes you care?"

"If they were alive to my friend...then they were alive to me, dammit!"

Wow...did she really mean that?

"And now…never will I get to taste the sweet punishment they had the potential to dish out!"

Please don't drag my children into your weird fantasies. Appreciate the sentiment, just don't make it sexual.

Changing tactics, Beldia went all out on the offensive, Darkness playing the obvious defensive role. For someone who couldn't hit the broadside of a barn, she was surprisingly adept at blocking attacks with her sword.

But then she made the fatal mistake of actually trying to attack.

"DIE, HOLY CRUSADER!"

It happened so fast. There was the distinct sound of metal cutting through metal. Then came a wet crunch, followed by dripping noises. Darkness wobbled slightly and coughed.

Then she went down.

Chapter Text

It…happened so fast. My head was still spinning trying to process it all.

Darkness was doing just fine one minute, blocking Beldia's attacks with surprising speed. But all it took was one opening in her defenses to leave her on the ground, coughing up specks of blood into a growing red puddle.

It was hard watching her scramble to retrieve her sword and lean on it like a cane. Worse still, now that her front body was facing me, I was forced to bear witness to the hideous gash going from her right collarbone all the way down to her left hip. My heart sank into my stomach.

But why? Why was I getting so worked over Darkness? It wasn't just the nausea setting in from seeing all that blood, there was something else at play. Maybe my worry stems from Beldia's show of power; it's obvious now that he's way stronger than a Griffin or a Manticore if he can make Darkness bleed like that. Y-Yeah, that has to be it! That's the only logical explanation. I'm sure of it…mostly.

Amazingly, Darkness took a page right out of Theodore Roosevelt's book and stood up in spite of her injury. Not if I had anything to say about it!

"Darkness, PLEASE just surrender already! Let me talk to him, I'm sure we can still make a deal!"

"NO! I am a Crusader!" She insisted with conviction. "I will not stand down while innocent lives are at stake! My duty is to PROTECT!"

Her damn heroism was only going to get her killed in the long-run!

The critically wounded Crusader turned to face the approaching headless Knight. Although it seems even that had become difficult for her judging by the way she was breathing funny.

"B-Besides…" She gasped. "This man knows exactly what he is doing~"

…what?

No. No-no-no-no-NO! You can't tell me that's why she was breathing funny all of a sudden! You just can't! I refuse to believe it!

Beldia halted his progress towards her when she made that suggestive comment. "Hmm? What nonsense slips from thine tongue, Crusader?"

"Oh-ho-ho, don't you try to play dumb with me!" Darkness accused, pointing a finger at the general. "You have been assessing my armor's weak points and mentally undressing me while doing so! Instead of stripping it all away like a creepy old undead man, you are deliberately choosing which parts to leave intact! You wish to publicly humiliate me by leaving fleeting glimpses of my naked flesh between the cracks of my armor and bodysuit!"

That's what this was all about, wasn't it...? The wound Beldia inflicted didn't truly faze her. Did muscles-for-brains here never believe she was in any real danger!?

Short answer: yes. By some wonder of the universe, this hardcore sub managed to turn her dire situation into something kinky...how is one even supposed to respond to that?

Darkness took a step towards Beldia, who promptly stepped back out of newfound embarrassment (or possibly even fear). "You fiend! Standing there plotting where your next blow will land! Very well, if that is the perverted game you wish to play then hit me! C'mon, give me your best shot! MY BODY IS READY!"

"Wha-? I-? No, shut up, please!" Beldia pleaded. "Th-These people will get the wrong idea about me!"

I remembered being so frustrated at that moment that my toes curled in anger. That dumb female jock had me thinking she was dying! But no, as per usual, I was just being a paranoid idiot! And now she was back to her usual shenanigans like nothing ever happened. So yeah, excuse me for being just a wee bit fucking salty!

"For once, would you please consider the time and place, woman!?" I shouted without thinking. "Now is not the time to get your freak on! Save it at night for when the other freaks come out!"

The masochist flinched at my words before turning to address me. "Y-You consider the time and place yourself, Spicer! It's already taking all my willpower to endure the public flogging from this closet sex fiend! I don't need you throwing insults at me too! Unless…you two are taking turns berating me? What delicious torment are you and this Dullahan planning together~!?"

"W-We're not planning anything!" Beldia hastily corrected. "And I'm not a closet sex fiend!"

"Yeah, just what do you take us for?" I added. "We may be evil but we at least have some standards!"

Before this insane conversation had the chance to further descend into chaos, a small pool of water suddenly formed over Darkness and Beldia. The headless Knight jumped out of the way while the horny Crusader got totally drenched. I don't know who did that or what they were trying to accomplish with it, but at least it shut those two up.

A familiar high-pitched voice cried out, "Cursed Lightning!"

I whipped my head around to find it was Yunyun of all people. Magic electricity crackled from the girl's fingertips and lashed out at the puddle beneath Darkness like a whip. Even though Beldia had moved out of the way of the splash zone, he was still standing in enough of the puddle to also get zapped. Their conducive metal armor combined with the water produced a shocking result, pun and all. The currents of magical electricity surged throughout their bodies as the twitches intensified. 

I probably should've freaked out seeing her in that state, but I didn't. Especially after that fake scare she gave me with the sword injury. If that girl could tank two Explosions, two beasts of myth, and one Demon General while getting off from it, she'd be fine. I don't even know what I was worried about before.

Of course, that didn't mean Yunyun saw it that way.

"DARKNESS! I'm so sorry! That was meant for the Dullahan, not you!" she apologized intensely. "I was under pressure and Kazuma pushed me into doing it! Please forgive me!"

"PHRASING, Yunyun, PHRASING!" emphasized the Japanese teenager, who had suddenly materialized out of thin air behind Beldia. "The plan was I douse him with water while you zap him, weakening him enough for me to steal his weapon! But now you made me lose the element of surprise by making me sound like total scum! Look - now every woman is looking at me with disgust!"

"Oh? Planning to steal my blade, were you?" Beldia mocked, turning around to face Kazuma with reformed confidence. Did he not realize he had just been electrocuted or was he simply that strong? "I would love to see you try. No really, go ahead, I insist. Let us see what you are made of, knave!"

Kazuma growled at the cocky boss before sticking his palm out. "Underestimating us rookies was your first mistake! Steal!"

The "animation" for the Steal skill played out exactly the same as when Chris first demonstrated it to me. After the flash died down, Kazuma was left with...absolutely nothing in his hand. In fact, he might as well have had his dick in it since that's about all he was caught with.

Beldia chuckled menacingly. "A decently clever tactic lacking in execution. Even if your plan worked as intended, a low-leveled Adventurer's Steal wouldn't have been enough to take my broadsword. Say goodbye to your precious friends and city!"

"Oh yeah!? Just wait till Mitsurugi gets here!" A random mage from the crowd shouted, causing Beldia to turn around while Kazuma slipped away with the Lurk skill. "One strike from his blade, Cursed Sword Gram, and you're history!"

That got the rest of the crowd riled up with cheers of anticipation. I, on the other hand, was sweating major bullets. They didn't know that all that remained of Cursed Sword Gram was small programming chips... 

My eyes wandered to the sad ring of cleanly sliced JackBot torsos twenty paces behind Beldia. I then shakily looked back at my other two companions over by the gate. They only had concerned shrugs to offer.

There was a small chance I may have Jacked up royally here.

Despite clearly being outclassed, Kazuma managed a smirk at the Dullahan. "Assuming I didn't have a backup plan was your second mistake. Freeze!"

Using another Basic Magic skill, the Japanese summoned a small but frigid gust of wind around the puddle Beldia was standing in. The water quickly turned to ice as the Demon General's boots became frozen in place along with it. Of course, because Darkness was also standing in the same puddle, her boots were frozen in place as well. And she moaned in delight about the sudden cold as was expected. 

"HAH! You're certainly a crafty one, I'll give you that!" Beldia commended, pointedly ignoring Darkness's masochistic episode as we all were. "But it's going to take a lot more than this to -"

"YES! Now's my chance!" shouted an excitable little pyromaniac from within the crowd.

"Huh!?"

Hearing melodramatic chants and feeling the winds changing, that was my cue to duck and cover. Kazuma had already Lurked out of there the moment Megumin made her declaration, and I quickly flew back into the crowd of adventurers with my HeliBot. While most everybody already knew Darkness was capable of taking a hit from Explosion, it still didn't stop some people from fretting over her as she remained frozen to the ground along with Beldia. 

"Oh no...YOU WOULDN'T!" Beldia cried out in fear, frantically trying to pull his legs out of the ice while Darkness didn't even bother. "We're so close to town! A-And your companion is right here with me! You wouldn't dare cast -"

"EX-PLOOOOOOO-SION!"

The fiery column of destructive magic fell upon Beldia like a nuke. Everyone including me ducked down and covered our heads as the earth trembled and the heat grew intense. Amazingly, Darkness was somehow blown back from the Explosion, flying towards the crowd before hitting the front gates and falling. With any luck (though I'm not counting on it), maybe the JackBot remains also got blown away instead of disintegrated? 

Once the dust had finally settled, all that could be seen was another giant crater the construction workers were going to have to fill back in with dirt afterwards. The little Archwizard stood still as a look of satisfaction spread across her face.

"Ahhhh~ My first ever Explosion on a proper Devil King General. What a milestone~"

She then promptly faceplanted. 

"Piggyback please," Megumin muffled to me on the ground.

Rolling my eyes, I lifted the out-of-commission mage onto my back as the adventurers all around me cheered. I couldn't help but smirk a little in triumph at the results. Aside from Darkness, there was pretty much nothing that could withstand Megumin's...oh COME ON!

"He's still standing!?" I shouted in annoyed disbelief.

"What!?" Megumin cried from my back, albeit more annoyed than me. "Impossible! That kill belonged to the great and powerful Megumin!"

Everyone quickly shut up as they too noticed Beldia crawl his way out of the crater Megumin had made. He definitely did not come out of the attack unscathed: he was covered disembodied head to toe in ash and his armor was in serious need of repair. So not only could this thing survive two blasts of holy magic, plasma bolts, and high voltage electricity...but EXPLOSIONS too!? Crusaders and Knights really were a different breed when it came to defense stats!

"Crazy...you're all crazy...!" Beldia muttered loudly to himself, his single eye poking out from the helmet and staring intently at us. "I'm going to end this craziness once and for all!"

Before Beldia could charge at us or summon more Undead Knights, he got cut off by Darkness sprinting from the crowd to try and...well, cut him off. Keyword being try, though.

"I grow tired of these interruptions!"

The delirious and enraged Dullahan unleashed a flurry of sword slashes on Darkness. He was too fast for her to block with her sword, so she simply tanked each blow with her body.

I had to come up with something or that was gonna be me getting chopped! Belida's head was the obvious weak spot, but how to exploit it? What if I were to use Bind to tie his hands up so that he'll drop it? No, that won't work. It seems low-leveled skills are automatically negated by enemies whose Level is higher than the caster. Kazuma's failed Steal attempt perfectly highlighted that. C'mon, teen genius, there's gotta be another way to weaken him!

"Water…"

With a yelp, I checked my side to find Kazuma deactivating his Lurk skill while muttering to himself.

"What?" I asked.

"That might be his weakness!" he explained with fervor. "Did you see how quick Beldia was to dodge out of the way of my Create Water spell? Vampires and evil spirits hate water, maybe the same applies to Dullahans as well!"

"But isn't that with holy water?" I questioned with a raised brow. "What's so special about the water summoned from Create Water? It's not like it's blessed by a Priest or anything, is it?"

"I don't know, but he obviously doesn't like it either way! Just follow my lead! Create Water!"

Chanting the Create Water skill out loud again, the weeb blasted a small jet of water directly in Beldia's direction, who was staring down at a now unconscious Darkness. As Kazuma pointed out, the general seemed to have a strong aversion to the liquid for he jumped out of the way before it could touch him.

"Everyone! Hit him with all the water spells you've got!"

Green Bean's command went through to all the other mages who spammed Create Water alongside him. It was a warzone for Beldia, and he was stuck in the middle of no man's land with zero cover. The hydrophobic Dullahan hopped all around the field trying his best to avoid the splashes.

"HEY! What're you – stop this! Stop this at once!" Beldia desperately demanded as he barely dodged another blast of water. "I was just about to give the Crusader a warrior's death! Let me live out my fantasy of going out the way I wanted to!"

I'd be taking potshots at him too, but I still hadn't recovered enough MP. So that just left me to kinda stand there all by myself, awkwardly. Just like gym class...

"Well, at least I'm not the one that's getting gangbanged this time," I said to myself in an attempt to look on the bright side.

"My Explosion should've taken him out..." Megumin grumbled, still hung up about encountering an enemy that could actually survive her attack magic. 

"Yeah, I know. It really should have," I admitted with a sigh. "Hell, Aqua's spells should've taken him out from the start. But I guess he isn't a general to the Devil King for nothing."

Speaking of Aqua, the Blue Thing herself popped up beside me out of nowhere. She didn't even have the Lurk skill like me or Kazuma, she just...appeared.

"Hey Jack? Why is everyone having a water fight all of a sudden? Is this a game we're playing?"

"Does it look like a game!?" I spun around to yell at the moron. "Water is apparently that guy's weakness, and you of all people should be pitching in! Even a useless bum goddess like yourself must know at least one water spell."

Aqua stomped her foot and retaliated, "Rude! I'm the Goddess of Water, I can use Flood-class water magic if I want. "

"Then what the hell are you waiting for, an invitation!? Do it already!"

"Not so fast. I'm not doing squat for you until you apologize for calling me useless first."

I groaned as loud as I could before relenting. "Fine, I'm sorry for calling you useless. Now get out there and soak Beldia, watering can!"

"That's even more disrespectful than calling me useless! That tears it, I'll show you exactly what this 'watering can' is truly capable of…"

A blue angelic cipher began spinning under Aqua's feet as all the water puddles made during the fight swirled around her like a typhoon. It reminded me an awful lot of Omi and made me slightly uncomfortable as a result. It least this water-based attack wouldn't be aimed at me. 

"My loyal followers," Aqua said in a soft-spoken voice. "Your goddess requires your assistance. Send in your prayers and lend me thy power."

Beldia stopped moving once he noticed the goddess charging up at an alarming rate.

"Oh...oh sweet headwear - I gotta retreat!"

But before he could get away, Darkness suddenly woke up and grabbed him by the leg like some kind of horror movie monster.

"AHH! Let go of me, you degenerate!"

"Insult...me...more~!"

"Why are you so WEIRD!?"

Megumin and I watched on in mild amusement as Beldia tried to retreat as fast as he could with a horny Crusader in tow. Naturally, he didn't get very far, especially when all his yelling was only adding fuel to the kinky fire below his legs.

"Sacred Create Water!" Aqua shouted. Cumulonimbus clouds soon replaced the peaceful white wisps in the sky. Rain trickled the fields in a light shower, but that didn't last for long. It began to rain cats and dogs, and the wind turned into a harsh wall of moving air.

In the direction Beldia had been attempting to flee in, much of the water had already accumulated in the hills that a large tsunami formed and rushed inwards. His screams were literally drowned out by the waves as they engulfed him. Eat your heart out, Omi.

I was about to tell Aqua that was enough before I noticed she still had her eyes closed in that little magic trance of hers. And that the flood was also upon us with no signs of stopping...

Megumin silently held onto my coat in a momentary need for security. In that very instance, I activated the HeliBot to fly us directly up into the overcast sky right before the tip of the tsunami licked our boots. We both had the right idea not to look down after hearing all the wet, sloshing destruction below. The kid and I hovered in the air together until the noises simmered down to a calm drip.

As we made our slow descent back down to land, the two of us surveyed the damage caused by Aqua. There were puddles as far as the Farsight skill could allow me to see. Those who were in the process of picking themselves back up were soaking wet, no surprise there. Sadly, this also applied to the remnants of Attack Squad Sigma. Assuming they were blown away by Megumin's Explosion instead of outright destroyed, they'd certainly be waterlogged now. I'd have to gut out their shells and reinstall everything within. Damn it all.

To take my mind off the new workload ahead of me, I gawked at what was left of the front gates. Seems even the first block of the residential zone got hit by Aqua's flood. It actually reminded me of the time I flooded Clay's family ranch with the Orb of Tornami Shen Gong Wu. I may have lost the Showdown that day, but at least I got to cause some bad old destruction and mayhem beforehand! Those were the evil days...

"By the gods, Jack, look!" Megumin said, pointing a ways away. "That ingrate is STILL alive!"

I thought something smelled like wet undead (which was absolutely RANK by the way). The Demon General was pulling himself out of a large puddle nearby. After his head coughed out a mouthful of water, he weakly yelled at the water goddess responsible, who was miraculously dry after the flood. Just chalk that one up to godly magic or something.

"You…! What is wrong with you…?" Beldia stammered. "Are you insane, woman!? What were you thinking!? That could've easily hurt your fellow adventurers as much as it did me!"

Oh, so NOW you care about us small fries!?

Anyway, what the decapitated Knight failed to sense was a certain Japanese teenager creeping up behind him as he was venting. Once Kazuma got into a close enough range…

"Steal!"

"HUH!?"

One eye-straining flash of light later, and Beldia's body stood completely still. Except there was just one small, teensy-weensy little thing missing from his person.

I watched as Kazuma lifted Beldia's head up to his face and stared it down with an, admittedly, impressive evil grin. Mine was still better, but his was definitely sinister enough to make the head sweat through his helmet. This is why being evil rocks.

"Oh, uh...it appears my body is immobilized from all the water..." Beldia's head gulped (somehow). "And I can't call for reinforcements without it...call this a draw?"

"Oi! Anybody wanna learn how to play soccer?" Kazuma cried out to the crowd. Meanwhile, I had a much better game in mind.

Pawning Megumin off to her rival, I casually snuck up behind Kazuma and karate chopped the base of his neck, knocking him out and allowing me to scoop up the Dullahan's head for myself. Truth be told, I really didn't think that would work as well as it did...

"Forget soccer! Who's up for a game of b-ball instead?" I asked the other adventurers.

"B-ball...?" Beldia repeated in subdued horror.

"Yup, it's short for basketball," I explained as I dribbled Beldia, causing his head to yelp with each bounce. Sorta surprised it was bouncy at all. "The object of the game is to dribble the ball around and pass it to other players in order to shoot it through a hoop!"

I jokingly passed the head over to a dude wearing a blue jacket. He examined it at first, then proceeded to dribble it as well. Pretty soon everybody was getting a feel for the game. Except for Yunyun, she was too preoccupied with her rival and KO'd partner to get in on the action. There was also this one guy wearing a red jacket shouting, "My tomatoes!" while kneeling next to a mushy pile of said veggies (I refuse to acknowledge them as fruit). No clue what that was about.

The rest of the adventurers broke into teams of two with each team trying to pass the "ball" over to their respective members. Beldia could barely get a word in as his head was in a constant state of motion, making it almost impossible for him to speak clearly. Whenever he did have a rare moment to speak, it was usually just to declare how he was on the verge of throwing up. That didn't deter most of the rough and tough adventurers, though, as they gladly continued to torture him with more dribbling.

A girl wearing a green hoodie stopped and suddenly asked, "Wait, what can we use for a hoop?"

Modern problems call for modern solutions. I hovered around ten feet in the air and formed a ring with my arms. "Here, dunk it in my arms!"

The girl dribbled the head and performed a decent hook shot maneuver, slamming it into my "net". Beldia could be heard screaming the whole way down, causing me to let out an evil laugh. Though it did quickly turn into a genuine laugh as the absurdity of the situation finally caught up to me. Here I was, in another world, playing basketball with the head of a high-ranking Demon General with other adventurers. If only those Xiaolin and Heylin Losers could see me now.

"Jack? Do you have a minute?"

I looked over to see Darkness standing next to the motionless body of Beldia. "I understand you're having fun right now, but don't you think it's about time we wrap this up?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right…" I admitted with a dramatic sigh before turning to my Archpriest. "Aqua, would you care to do the honors?"

Coming from downtown Axel, a flower bud staff defied the laws of gravity and flipped through the air. It made it all the way to the shattered outer wall until it was caught by the water goddess's manicured hand. A sparkling pink scarf cloaked itself around her neck and her flower bud opened up, revealing a heavenly light from within.

"It'll be my pleasure," Aqua said before pointing the staff at Beldia's body. "Sacred Turn Undead!"

A pillar of pure light pierced through the storm clouds and absorbed the inanimate body. I dropped to the ground and picked up Beldia's head, staring at it as it stared back at me. 

"So...which one-liner do you want me to go with? 'Don't lose your head'? 'Don't get ahead of yourself'? Or the simple but classic, 'Heads up'?"

Beldia's head was silent for a moment.

"Not even my most cutthroat peers would stoop to this level of psychological torture," He uttered. 

One jump shot directly into the light pillar, annnnd…

"May you suffer in - !"

The head unceremoniously disintegrated into the light with no further noise. Aqua dispersed her spell at the same time the clouds dispersed, irradiating the mushy land in a godly glow.

"Hmm, getting way too bright and cherry for my tastes," I said to myself. "Let's try to darken the mood a little with another of my evil laughs!"

However, before I could gulp in enough air, I suddenly felt completely drained of energy. It was so bad, my body couldn't possibly ignore it any longer and promptly shut down. In my last few seconds of hazy consciousness, I think I saw three people rush over shouting something at me.

Well, at least I was finally going to be getting a full twelve-hour sleep session. That's gotta count for something, right?

Once in a blue moon, I'll actually wake up feeling refreshed and ready to start the day. Well, the moon must've turned blue because other than having a couple of bones pop from sitting up in my haystack, I felt great! The only thing that was off was my circadian rhythm; I had no idea what the time or day was.

Seeing as how I fell asleep with my wrist device still strapped on, I booted it up to check the calendar app. And OH BOY did I oversleep big time! It was already well into the next day! 

"Maybe starving myself of sleep each and every night isn't the best for my long-term health," I muttered to myself after letting out a final yawn. "Then again, evil never rests. Isn't that right, JackBots?"

No beeps, boops, or bops of affirmation…

"…Homeboys? You there?"

It was only after scanning the stables that I finally noticed the small scrap heap, right next to the pink elephant. Seems this was all that survived the Explosion and subsequent flood. My bots have definitely seen better days, but they've technically seen much worse too. At least they dried off overnight. I'll just salvage what I can from the wreck, stock up on mana potions, and pull a few consecutive all-nighters. They'll be bad as new before you know it!

Standing up, I did my pre-robot-reassembly stretches until I spotted a note stuck to the rim of JB-24V4G32's helmet. I peeled it off and read it to myself.

Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Did you have a nice dream? Was your #1 favorite goddess in it? I hope so because you were out like a light! Seriously, we did everything we could to get you back up! First we tried splashing water on your face (provided by yours truly), but that didn't work. Then we convinced Darkness to sit on your chest to jolt you awake, but that didn't work either. Even Megumin's LOUD Explosion Magic wasn't enough! So we gave up and brought you back to the stables to rest. Let this be a reminder to get a good night's sleep, young man! If you need us, we'll be at the guild celebrating. Signed, Aqua~

…Did I really sleep through Darkness sitting on me? I…don't know how I feel about that.

Wait, what am I thinking? These were Aqua's words! She probably made that part up just to get a rise out of me! Yeah, what a clever move to make when you're not even around to see my reaction. Moron.

Whatever, might as well meet up with her and the others at the guild.

Of course, it just had to be noon by the time I woke up. And because I used the last of my sunblock yesterday, that meant having to skulk in the shadows to avoid the harmful UV rays. Yup, nobody else in this stinking town has to deal with this annoying problem except for me. Sometimes I hate being the only albino.

Either way, I reached my destination and booked it indoors with as little exposure to the sun as possible. I spotted Megumin, a fried toad leg in each hand, racing up to me the second I was in her line of sight.

"Jack, you're awake!" she cheered. "Perfect timing too, I need your help with something."

The small wizard gestured over to Darkness chatting it up with some buff adventurers over a drink. "Darkness is being super stingy: she won't let me have any alcohol! She says I'm 'not old enough', can you believe that load?"

My blonde teammate overheard the kid venting and inadvertently came to my rescue. "I do apologize, Megumin, but the legal drinking age in Belzerg is seventeen. I only want to make sure you don't get in any more trouble with the police."

"Who invented that stupid rule!?" Megumin complained, tightening her grip on the toad legs. "Crimson Demons are considered adults once they learn Advanced Magic, and Explosion is the most advanced form of magic there is! That makes me as mature as they come, so I should be more than allowed to have a drink!"

Putting aside the weird discovery that I was apparently old enough to drink by this kingdom's laws, it was the second nugget of information that I latched onto in surprise first.

"Woah, woah, WOAH!" I blurted with my hands out before looking Megumin square in the crimson eyes. "You are legally an adult?"

"Actually, I believe that's a Crimson Demon cultural difference," Darkness clarified right as the Archwizard was about to speak. "The age of consent throughout the rest of the country is fourteen. In a world full of monsters powered up by the Devil King's mere existence, the mortality rate is unfortunately high. As such, you are legally qualified to marry at fourteen and allowed alcohol at seventeen."

Ew. Like, I kinda get it (somewhat), but that doesn't mean I have to like it. We're raising the age of consent when I take over the world. 

"If I'm about to be of marriageable age in just a few months, why can't I skip ahead three years and drink right now!? Gimme some of that ale!" Megumin cried as she tried to swipe Darkness's mug with her greasy hands. 

"Heeeey – Hic – it's The Cracker Jacker!"

Oh great, a drunk deadbeat. More commonly known as "Aqua" to the layman.

The goddess haphazardly draped herself over my neck, much to my discomfort. The blue-haired dope took a big swig out of her mug only to belch immediately after.

"Leave it to you to get drunk right before lunchtime, Aqua..." I mumbled despite knowing she wasn't listening to a word I was saying.

As the drunken goddess failed to whistle a jaunty tune, the guild receptionist, Luna, gathered everyone's attention by loudly clapping her hands. "Everyone, I have an important announcement to make! Due to the events of yesterday, the Axel Adventurer's Guild has reserved a special reward for both Satou Kazuma and Jack Spicer's party."

That certainly got my attention! Before I could get the busty receptionist to spill the beans, a vaguely familiar gruff voice spooked the living daylights outta me.

"Who would've thought you lot could take down a leader of the Devil King's Army. That's quite the impressive feat."

It was the buzz cut mohawk guy giving us a thumbs-up from within a dimly lit corner of the room. "I believed in the radiance inside of you guys from the very start," he said simply.

"The radiance inside?" I parroted back. "What does that mean?"

"'A light to shine on the gates of Hell'," Mr. Mohawk quoted before slinking away into the crowd. "At least, that's what the legends used to say..."

God, I hate purposefully vague riddles. Just say want you want to say, don't make me have to take a stab in the dark!

Before I could try to decipher what he meant by gates and legends, a random adventurer a couple tables away singled me and Kazuma out. "He's right! If it weren't for them lads, we'd never would've beaten that Dullahan! Three cheers for Jack and Kazuma's parties!"

That got everybody in the building to go wild real fast. By sheer happenstance, my team and I managed to kill a high-ranking military officer in the Devil King's Army. And now we were being praised for it. This...had me rather conflicted.

On the optimistic side of things, it honestly felt pretty damn amazing to get recognition for my hard work. I still remember how I got sidelined on my arrival in this world. Back then, Aqua was the talk of the town, and I was chopped liver. But now I was finally getting praise from outside sources. These weren't robots or monkeys cheering for me, these were real people appreciating my talents.

But with that said, this was not the kind of admiration I wanted AT ALL! In fact, it was kinda the exact opposite of what I wanted! I wanted to be feared as a dangerous rouge hellbent on crippling the Devil King's Army for my own nefarious gain! Not loved as some lame-ass do-gooder! I'd rather Kazuma be seen as the hero and me as just some guy who participated. I've got a reputation to keep!

Sadly, my cries of protest couldn't get through to these cheering idiots. So now what, does this mean I'm gonna be seen as a small town hero from here on out? Fuck me, it's always one step forward and two-hundred steps back. I blame you, Eris!

Luna blew a sharp whistle with her fingers and immediately got everyone to shut up. She smiled and said, "For the contributions of both parties, we here at the Adventurer's Guild are offering a complimentary reward of 300,000,000 eris each!"

Forget what I said about Eris – she and her money rocks!

"Oh, OH! Since it was my magic that killed him, most of the proceeds should go to me!" Aqua boldly claimed.

"Talk of money sobered you up real quick, didn't it?" I said to her. "Also, SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL!"

After Kazuma and Yunyun were given their reward, Luna came to me to hand over our respective paycheck. It may not be much compared to what I normally get as a monthly allowance, but the equivalent of ¥300,000,000 wasn't too...shabby, now hold a minute...

"Uh, Luna? I think there was a mix-up in upper management," I dutifully informed as I waved the piece of paper she handed me. "You gave me a bill for 305,000,000 eris in damages."

Luna began wringing her hands. Not exactly reassuring body language from what I gathered.

"I'm truly sorry. You see, the flood Aqua summoned did do a substantial amount of property damage…" she admitted carefully. "However, defeating a Devil King's General is an incredibly big deal, so I won't ask that you pay back in full. Just a small portion is all."

Oh, just a small portion you say? Alright then, I can part with 10 eris. That is a small portion by definition.

But before I could have a say in the matter, a hearty slap on my left shoulder made me jump. I craned my neck to see Darkness standing behind me. Her face could be best described as disappointed yet hopeful if that makes any sense.

"Well, we do have 5 million eris on top of our 300 million eris reward. I think it's only right if we back the debt in full."

Dark, baby, no. Please don't do this to me.

"O-Oh!" squeaked Luna. "How selfless! Thank you so much! You don't know it, but you've just saved me from an ungodly amount of paperwork tonight."

Our 300 mil and my personal 5 mil!? There's no way the others would be on board with -

"ALAS! Our reward 'twas not meant to be," sighed a melodramatic Aqua before speaking normally. "I suppose it is the right thing to do. But I call dibs on our next quest! I'll make sure it has the highest bounty possible so we can make our profit back in no time!"

"It seems our bloody journey of magic is only getting started!" Megumin added excitedly. "Let's make this next quest an explosive one!"

Crap, three against one. Now we have to file for bankruptcy all because of something that blue bitch did. That's it, I'm done.

"Hmm? Jack, is something wrong?"

I wasn't listening to who said that, and I didn't care. I stormed outside the guild and plopped myself down on the first step. I had this thing planned out in my head where I was gonna march all the down the stairs and mope on the last step, but there was more shade near the front doors. The sun just won't let me throw my pity party the way I want, can it?

Not only that, but someone came out to sit next to me, completely ruining the "being alone" part of the deal. Anyway, I noticed the blur of reds and browns from my peripheral vision, so I didn't need to guess who it was.

"Go away, Megumin. I'm not in the mood…"

"What's your problem, huh!? You just walked out on us and didn't say a word!" she snapped. "No one likes a guy with a stick up his ass you know."

"Yeah? Well I don't want people to like me, I want people to FEAR me! As a legitimate THREAT!" I snapped back, making sure to face her to emphasize my point. "Ever since I came to this world, I've done everything to make it abundantly clear that I am not a good person; that I am an evil teen genius who shouldn't be taken lightly. And then this shit has to go and happen! But hey, that's just the story of my life I guess. So why even bother trying to rewrite the manuscript now, huh!?"

I sighed and slouched even further, sticking my chin into my folded arms as I stared dejectedly into space.

"...Nobody gets me, that's the problem," I admitted after a brief moment of silence from Megumin. "You say you want to rule the world with a burning passion, and they laugh at you because they think you're joking. And that you, yourself, are a joke. If I can't do something as simple as convey that I'm a jerk...well then where's my worth…?"

I felt a small hand tap me on the shoulder. Reluctantly, I looked over at Megumin. Her body was turned toward me, and not since discussing Explosions has she ever looked this serious before.

"Don't say that about yourself," she stated matter-of-factly. "You do have worth, and I know you're smart enough to already know that. Who cares what others think of you? Screw them! You know who you are and that's all that matters in the end. Never let the opinions of others bring you down, or you'll never get anywhere in life."

On that surprisingly hopefully note, the Crimson Demon's tight-lipped mouth turned into a cheeky, lopsided smirk. "Plus, if it's any consolation, I think you can be a jerk."

I blinked. Barely able to contain my hopeful excitement, I smirked right back at her. "Oh yeah? Is that so?"

"Oh yeah, you can be a real ass when you want to. Like walking out on your own party for instance."

"Or all those times I called Aqua an idiot."

"Or when you snuck a thumbtack in Kazuma's seat!"

"Yeah! And let's not forget how I totally stole his thunder yesterday! Did you see me out there? I was all, 'HI-YA!' and he was all, 'I'm down!' I didn't even know I had it in me!"

"Me neither!"

We laughed on the steps of the guild for a good while before eventually keeping it down to only a few chuckles. Our sides were sore, but we had fun doing it.

"Hey, Jack?" Megumin asked quietly. "If you're feeling up to it, you wanna come with me on my next Explosion run later? I thought we could blow up the rest of Beldia's castle as a way to stick it to his ghost. Thought that might help you unwind after that big fight."

"…I think I'm down for an Explosion palooza," I said with a small smile and nod.

"Awesome," Megumin hummed while giving a thumbs-up. "Anyway, we should probably head back inside now. I, uh, kind of already promised Aqua and Darkness I'd bring you back in. Heh..."

"I'd make a sarcastic remark, but honestly, my butt's starting to hurt from sitting on these steps. Let's bail."

Megumin and I sat up and got our aching keisters indoors. And as I tried in vain to soothe my rear end, I thought about all the times I was huge jerk to someone. The kid was right, I really shouldn't be all that concerned about what others think of me (unless they're evil bigwigs of course). I know that I'm a bad person deep down, and that's the end of the discussion as far as I'm concerned. It really goes to show how frighteningly intelligent Megumin can be.

The masses can think I'm a hero all they'd like. I'll prove them wrong sooner or later. Oh-ho-ho just you wait…

"Hey, guys? Wait up for a sec, will ya?"

It was late into the evening and the sun was about to give welcome to the moon. Jack had already gone home a while ago to "fix his babies" as he so strangely put it. I assume he was referring to those metal golems he made. I should ask if I can watch him build some, they're really cool. Not Explosion Magic cool - nothing could ever compare - but cool, nonetheless.

We were out on the street, reaching a fork in the road that would lead us to our separate routes. Aqua's path would take her to the stables with Jack, Darkness's would direct her to the inn she was booking a room at, and mine would take me outside the city walls to my makeshift campsite. The rent for the apartment I'd been staying at since coming here was getting too steep and I needed to save my funds. The tent wasn't much, but neither was my house back home.

However, before we parted ways for the night, I had something I needed to get off my chest.

Aqua stopped herself from progressing and twirled around to face me, putting her hands behind her back as she did so. "What's on your mind, Megumin?"

Darkness halted as well and asked, "Are you still out of it from your daily Explosion? I can carry you back to your tent if you need -"

"No, it's okay. I have enough strength to make it back on my own. It's just…well…"

The two party members who I've come to know as my friends waited patiently for me to spit it out. They seemed to be curious about what I had to say. So, I braced myself and just said what was on my mind:

"What if Jack means what he says...?"

Now they seemed confused more than anything else. I don't necessarily blame them, I'd be confused too if I were in their shoes.

"I beg your pardon?" Darkness asked with a raised brow.

"What I'm trying to say is, what if Jack is serious about wanting to rule the world?" I hesitantly clarified. "It's stupid, I know, but I can't shake this lingering doubt that there's some truth to what he says. When I went to console him this morning, he vented to me about how he was frustrated nobody viewed him as a serious threat. And he sounded so...sincere when he said it."

It was hard to look them in the eyes when I told them that. I admit that the whole thing sounded absurd, but I couldn't help but be a little worried about it. Jack may be a douche at times, but he's shown that he has a soft side. The dude doesn't realize that he wears his heart on his sleeve much like Yunyun. He's very much capable of being an honest-to-Eris good person. So to hear him be so willing and eager to throw all that potential away was…well, kind of disturbing actually. Almost on par with the Axis Cult even!

What if...our leader really was deadest on conquering our world?

Aqua spoke, "Oh relax, girl! It's just Jack being Jack! Remember when I gave you that crash course on the concept of chuunibyou? Well, that's exactly what he is: a shut-in chuuni! Your entire culture is built upon that lifestyle, so you of all people should be able to recognize it, even if you can't explain it."

I mean…yeah, she does make a point there. I almost mistook him as a long-lost member of the clan when we first met.

Darkness added to Aqua's rebuttal by saying, "And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you admit that you also wanted to usurp the Devil King as well?"

"Well, yeah, but I was young at the time and didn't know better. I honestly just like the idea of owning the title more than actually taking the throne."

"Well, it's possible Jack has yet to grow out of that phase for himself," Darkness theorized. "He may be considered well into his adulthood by our customs, but he still has a lot of self-discovery left to do. I wouldn't be surprised if he one day dropped his ambition of wanting to become a merciless dictator…although I think a small part of me would die inside…"

"And the crazed rant he went on when scaring off that hero guy's fangirls?" I dared to ask. 

"I won't lie, that was pretty creepy..." Aqua admitted with a shudder, but quickly bounced back all the same. "But he said it himself: he hadn't gotten, like, any sleep at all that day."

"Lack of sleep is known to make one irritable and anxious," Darkness added with a sage nod. "Given the stressful quest we came back from, the sudden duel with that narcissist, and those girls insulting him, it's no wonder he snapped like that."

"So you see? There's nothing to worry about!" Aqua declared confidently. "All the big baby needs is more sleep and he'll be fine. Come to think of it, you should probably get some rest too if that's what you were fretting over."

My friends were right, I was worrying over nothing. Maybe not getting the finishing kill on one of the Devil King's generals affected me more than I thought. Arnes and Host went down easily enough to Explosion, so why not Beldia? Perhaps being an undead Knight with a power boost from the Devil King made him sturdier than expected. Oh well, there were still seven confirmed generals left out there. I'd level up and collect my due eventually.

"Yeah, you're right, sleep is probably just the thing we all need right now. Goodnight Aqua, goodnight Darkness. See you all in the morning."

We bid each other goodnight and traveled down our respective paths. As I gazed upwards into the first star of the night, I reflected on my previous doubts regarding our eccentric leader, now giggling at my bold stretch of a claim.

"Heh. Jack, an evil world conqueror. How silly..."

Chapter Text

Back in Texas, breakfast was somethin' everybody in the Bailey household always looked forward to. And even though I was attending monk school overseas, this morning was no different considering it was my turn to cook.

Today I felt like whippin' up some of Daddy's homemade garbage eggs: stuffed with bacon, sausages, ham, and cheese courtesy of Old Bessie. I really should write that thank you letter to him for importing her cheese all the way over to China. Must've taken a lotta stamps to ship that darn crate.

Growin' up on a ranch, I was usually the first one up other than Omi, so I took all the time I needed to get the eggs just right. Our fearless leader was often the last slowpoke to drag himself outta bed, but I imagine the smell of breakfast will be enough motivation for him. If not, well, I'll just have to hogtie him again!

Sure enough, by the time I got done settin' the table, the rodeo came stampeding in. Omi was considerate enough to pull out a chair for Kimiko while Raimundo sat down next to her. I swear, those two were closer than lovebugs on Valentine's Day. Not that I'm tryin' to start nothin' of course. So long as they're happy together, I'm happy for 'em.

Like always, we waited for Master Fung and Dojo to take a seat at the table before we could all start chowin' down. The little dragon was more than eager to get a plateful, but Master Fung stuck with his usual cup of green tea instead. I don't think I'll ever understand what makes that man tick; who can resist a steamin' pile of Bailey Garbage Eggs?

"Clay, your artery-clogging American meals have seduced me once again," burped Dojo. I knew I could count on our dragon pardner to leave a glowing review.

Kimiko added, "I know, right? I'll be honest, I never suspected that our lovable boulder was an unrecognized cook. You could seriously make a name for yourself in the cuisine world, Clay!"

"Aw shucks! You fellers are gonna make me blush now…"

"It's the truth, ain't it?" said Rai, perfectly flipping a loose piece of bacon into his mouth. "If it can get me out of bed at the crack of dawn, then you know it's good!"

Omi took his laid-back comment as a chance to lightly scold him. "Raimundo, while you may be our new leader, you must learn to hone your awakening skills just like I have. A true Shoku Warrior must be ready to take on the day every day! After all, the yearly bird gets the worm."

"That’s the early bird, Omi," Raimundo corrected. "But it does rhyme so I’ll give you a pass on this one."

"Told you those English lessons were doing something~" sang Kimiko, pokin' her boyfriend in the side like she were markin' him with a branding iron. “He’s getting there, slowly but surely.”

"Hey – I've been trying to teach the little dude slang for three whole years! What makes you think you can do better?"

"Simple: patience."

Rai raised his finger in protest before realizing he couldn’t argue with his girlfriend’s logic and sighed. "Fair point. I suppose I gotta learn that now that I have more responsibility. I can't afford to be impulsive anymore now that I'm you guys' leader."

"I have complete faith in your ability to control yourself, Raimundo," Master Fung said. "I would not have chosen you to lead the monks if I had my doubts. Patience is a bitter plant, but its fruit is sweet."

"And when it comes to deciphering this old man’s proverbs, you need to have the patience of a saint, let me tell ya," Dojo commented after takin' a sip of his coffee. Though Master Fung gave him a stink eye stinker than a roadkill skunk on sizzlin' asphalt.

"…More herbal leaves for your tea? Heh, heh…"

"I am good, Dojo. Thank you for asking."

After that dangerous exchange passed by, Master Fung stood up from his seat cushion and folded his arms inside his sleeves. I reckon he's got somethin' mighty important to say to us.

"Young monks, you have all made exemplary progress harnessing your inner Xiaolin Dragons. It seems only yesterday you ascended from humble Dragons-in-training to proud Wudai Warriors plus one Shoku Warrior. Normally it takes students at least ten years to be where you are now, but you have excelled in less than three. Which is why I believe the time is right for you to advance to the next stage of enlightenment."

Master Fung stared into our souls before carrying on with his speech. "Omi, Kimiko, Clay, you are now ready to begin your Shoku Warrior training. Raimundo will offer his assistance."

Well I'll be durned! Me and my friends, Shoku Warriors! This day could not have started off any better!

Just then, our little hoedown was cut short by the sound of a…Now hold on – was that a doorbell? Did I hear that right?

Everyone eyed each other confusedly. Looks like it wasn't just in my head after all.

"Wait, since when did we get a doorbell installed?" asked Kimiko. An awkward cough diverted our attention to a certain green reptile scratchin' the back of his scales.

"Uh, yeah, about that…I may have hired somebody to come in and install a doorbell last week. Figured some home improvement couldn't hurt anybody, right?"

…

"Oh come on, people! This temple's been around since the Northern Wei dynasty! I think it's safe to say it's way past a renovation or two. Besides, if you're not gonna let me install a padlock for the Shen Gong Wu vault, then at least let me have this one!"

Master Fung sipped his tea before responding, "In that case, you wouldn't mind answering it, would you, Kanjo Cho?"

"Oh boy…using last names, are we? Looks like I'm on thin ice. Alright, I'll go and greet our mystery visitor."

Dojo slithered away into the halls, leavin' us to wonder who in tarnation could be at our front door.

"Y'all don't think it's a ruse, do you?"

"How many bad guys have you met that use a doorbell before breaking in?" reasoned Kimiko.

"Most illogical, indeed," added Omi. "It is not like the forces of evil to politely alert their presence and wait to be invited in. Unless it is a vampire..."

"In broad daylight?" questioned Kimiko. "Somehow I doubt it."

"Yeah, it's probably just some annoying door-to-door salesman trying to sell us something," snorted Rai. "My family had to put up with them all the time back in Rio."

Before I could remind him that we were situated up in the mountains far away from any city, Dojo came rushin' back in and outta breath. The little feller was only gone for a minute and yet he looked about as worn out as my Daddy's old lasso rope.

"Guys…you might…wanna come…see this."

I asked, "Why? Who's at the door?"

"Trust me, it'd be easier if I just showed you."

Huh. Well, no sense in sittin' around doin' nothin'. Master Fung and the rest of us got up and followed the worry wort over to the front entrance.

As we stepped out into the crisp, cool morning air, we could see plain as day that our surprise guest was none other than -

"YesBot!?"

That no-good brown-noser of a robot built by that varmint, Jack Spicer! It wasn't a fighting machine, so we never saw too much of it in battle. But whenever we did see it, you'd better believe it was always tryin' to suck up to that dirty outlaw!

Although…somethin' was mighty off about this here tin can: its eyebrows were furrowing somethin' fierce, which made the smile on its face look incredibly forced. Not only that, but there also appeared to be dried oil stains under its eyes, givin' it the impression it had been cryin' for a good spell.

Now, I ain't tech savvy like Kimiko, but I'm pretty sure robots don't cry, do they?

“Um…Greetings, Xiaolin Monks. It, uh…it sure is a stupendous day out today, wouldn't you agree? Hah-hah…haaaah…"

For an otherwise cheery bot, it sure didn't sound like its heart was in it.

"Alright – cut the small talk, metal man! What are you doing here?" Raimundo interrogated.

"Don't tell me Jack's gotten so desperate that he's actually sending in his yes-man to fight his battles for him," joked Kim. "Because that would be a record-breaking low, even for him!"

Her boyfriend quipped along with her, "Yeah! After how hard I whupped him in the last Showdown, his butt is probably still in a sling!"

Omi couldn't keep himself composed any longer and laughed along with the couple. "Oh-ho-ho-hooo! Most amusing, as well as shameful! A humiliating defeat like that would surely put his rear end in the infirmary! Spicer must simply be beside himself with embarrassment! But such is the way of the Heylin: to be trounced by the forces of - !"

The little guy was cut off by three simple words that carried a punch to the gut in all of us.

"Jack is dead."

Suddenly, the morning air went from cool to frigid in a snap. I and many others felt a shiver go down our spines after hearing those three damning words. When the silence grew to be intolerable, I had to get something extremely important cleared up right away.

"We…we didn't rough him up that bad, now did we…?"

Just suggesting that was enough to make breakfast jump in my stomach. But I managed to keep it down.

YesBot's response was uncharacteristically cold and blunt. "You weren't responsible for his death if that's what you're asking. After he came home from his defeat in Rio, Jack had to leave again for a supply run. Then, at 10:13 A.M. Hong Kong Time, the JackBots and I all received a distress call from his wrist communicator. He requested us to come pick him up due to him losing his hover jet. Then…we received a second distress call, this one automatic. His…his vital signs had…flatlined."

Omi and Kim both gasped while Rai put a hand to his head. Dojo's tail drooped low to the ground and Master Fung was unreadable as always. I took my hat off and held gripped it for dear life. I could not, would not believe what I was hearing; there was no way Jack could be dead – we just saw the kid yesterday for God's sake!

YesBot pulled a handkerchief out of some compartment and wiped away a few drops of oil leakin' from his eyes. It was already stained before he used it.

"W-We got there as soon as we could," he continued, sounding more heartbroken than bitter. "They were already loading what was left of him in a body bag and carted him away in an ambulance. Check any major news outlet if you want, it's all they’re talking about right now."

Before I could so much as blink, Kimiko was already playing a live video on her electronic device and had it up to full blast. We all craned our necks in just to see the news anchor on the small screen confirm the worst for us.

"- as the inheritor to Spicer Industries, Jackson Edward Spicer, was confirmed dead by paramedics in Victoria Harbour, Hong Kong. Eyewitness testimonies have agreed that the cause of death was by a speeding, hijacked truck in the local shopping district. One eyewitness, who wishes to remain anonymous, claimed that they would've been the victim of the hit-and-run had it not been for the young man pushing them out of harm's way. Police investigations of the hijacker are still ongoing."

"Ai meu Deus…!"

Kimiko muted the video once Raimundo started muttering to himself in Portuguese.

So it was true. Jack really was dead. Got hit by a truck savin' an innocent's life. I…I never would've imagined it. I mean, I had my doubts about him bein' "evil incarnate" and all that, but still. I didn't think that's how'd he go. And still so young too – good Lord, how old was he now? Seventeen!? Too young…

"I haven't worked up the nerve to contact his parents yet," the machine choked out. "But it's likely they already know now that his passing has gone international. The JackBots, they're all at a loss, it's chaos back at the base! I can just barely keep them under control with my admin protocols, but it's a complete mess! Without our master, without our Jack…we're a leaderless faction."

It was then that Master Fung finally spoke up in what felt like years. "YesBot, was it?"

"…Yes."

"You and your kin are more than welcome to stay at the temple if need be."

Under normal circumstances, that would've been the worst news we'd ever heard. But we already heard the worst, and after unknowingly makin' fun of a dead man, the others didn't object.

"W-Well, I…Thank you, sir, but I don’t think that will be necessary. We'll likely continue to stay at Spicer Mansion until…well, I don't really know. Regardless, thank you for the offer."

"You're still welcome to come and visit," Dojo suggested politely.

"Yes, and I'll probably hold you up on that. Honestly, I didn't know who else to turn to after word of the incident spread throughout the base. I figured, as you were the only ones who displayed a basic level of social interaction with Jack, you would be the best candidates. Enemy status notwithstanding."

Ouch.

"Anyway, I should return home before the rest of the bots get restless again."

"Of course," Master Fung said calmly. "And my deepest condolences. Young monks, training sessions are cancelled until further notice. If you ever need to talk in private, please do not hesitate to come visit me in my meditation chambers. Come along now, Dojo.”

The little dragon coiled around Master Fung's arm like a snake and the two of them went back inside. YesBot said a few more stilted goodbyes before flyin' away into the mountains, but none of us paid any attention to the specifics.

I can't recall how long I was standin' there under that archway, but by the time I came to my senses, it was just me and Omi left outside. Kim and Rai must've gone back in at some point.

Omi…poor feller. He may be the most experienced monk this side of China, but he was still just a kid. Plus, he was the only one of us who had any real faith in Jack changing for the better. Well, all I can say is at least he did one decent thing in his life before it was tragically cut short. I'd be a lying son of a gun if I said I didn't have a shred of respect for him as a result.

"Hey, c'mon, Omi. Let's head back in, huh?"

Slowly, the little one turned his head toward me and nodded silently. I can tell how much this was affecting him already.

I let Omi go in first, but just before I set foot in the temple myself, I heard the nasty caw of a crow comin' from behind me, and somethin' about didn't sound natural. I looked back just in time to see it fly off into the distance, cawing like a mad beast.

Sounds like word is spreading through the grapevine faster than we thought.

Chapter Text

The things I do for world domination, man…

Here I am, a strapping young villain in his prime, sitting up against a rusty cemetery gate at dick o'clock in the morning waiting for a washed-up goddess to finish her "pre-exorcism stretches". Yeah, in case you were wondering, Aqua's become self-conscious about her Turn Undead skills after our recent boss fight with Beldia. So she started a training regimen for herself where she needs to limber up before going toe-to-toe with any undead creature. Dumb, I know.

But as if that wasn't annoying enough, now she was forcing us to wait on her while she does it. She even tried to rope me into her little training montage, but I was having none of it. Almost as soon as she suggested it, I shut the idea down like a factory that violated OSHA guidelines. I'd much rather sit in defiance than work out, thank you very much.

Megumin and Darkness, meanwhile, didn't seem to mind the holdup. If anything, they actually seemed intrigued with Aqua's new workout and were analyzing her technique. This effectively made me the only member of the group who didn't give a flying french fry about her warmup routine. I just wanted to get this quest over with so I could go home and, for once, go to bed.

But before I go any further with this, lemme hit the rewind button and explain how we got here. Context is important after all.

It all started earlier today at the guild. My small evil army and I were checking out the quest board for a job that was reasonable yet profitable. Since my team willingly gave away our entire fortune to pay back the town for property damage (a memory which still makes me cry), we were flat broke. And because we needed to eat and make our landlord happy, we had to get serious with picking out a quest that pays in fat stacks.

Ah, money: the root of all evil. And my best friend/worst enemy.

Aqua called dibs on the next quest despite me trying to drill it through her thick skull that she already got to pick the last quest. We argued for a while and, to make a long and embarrassing story short, she won the right to pick a quest for the second time in a row. So unfair!

Anyway, after Aqua "settled" the argument, I was worried she was gonna pick a quest that was just as brutal as the Manticore-Griffin kill quest. Thankfully, she didn't. Instead, she choose a flyer that requested a party with at least one Archpriest to exorcise a possible Zombie Maker (a monster that dabbles in necromancy) at some low-income cemetery outside of Axel. The cemetery was supposedly a hotspot for…ugh, ghost sightings…

Having spent three long, excruciating years living with a ghost myself, I was not looking forward to this quest. But the pay was decent and Aqua, for all her stupidity, was a talented Archpriest. So we accepted the job and went straight to Luna for approval.

Here's something worth mentioning: while Luna was stamping away our acceptance papers, I got a number of adventurers come pat me on the back and saying how "noble" I was for taking on this quest. I'd greatly prefer if nobody acknowledged my surface-level good deeds; they were purely a means to an end! It's not like I was doing any of this Samaritan work for fun. What am I to these losers, the Make-A-Wish Foundation? I'd rather take everybody's wishes instead...

Anywho, we waited till nightfall to head out to the neglected cemetery. And now that you're all officially caught up, do you understand why I'm in a sour mood? In fact, I'm in such a sour mood, I'm gonna complain out loud just so Aqua can HURRY THE HELL UP!

"Wrap it up, Richard Simmons!" I barked impatiently. "My back hurts and I wanna go home!"

"Quit your whining, Jack Whiner!" Aqua bit back, her calisthenics showing no signs of stopping. "I told you, I need to loosen my muscles before we begin. I refuse to be shown up by anymore undead freaks from this moment forward! Besides, it's not my fault if your back hurts; you shouldn't be leaning it on those bars."

"Hey, there was nothing else around for me to lean on. So my back hurting is technically on you."

Megumin and Darkness apparently decided that now was the perfect time to throw in own remarks I didn't ask for.

"Y'know, if you need to sit down from doing nothing but standing, that kinda says something about what shape you're in..." Megumin commented with an "are you serious right now?" face. I'm good at recognizing that type of face.

"She's right, it sounds like you don't work out nearly enough," Dark remarked (hey, that rhymes!). "Mayhap it would benefit your physical health if were to join Aqua in her exercise?"

"Hard pass," I denied once more. 

"That's our leader for ya: a lazy, entitled, shut-in gamer nerd," Aqua said coldly. It was at that moment that a mischievous grin formed on her face, one that usually forms whenever she was about to tease me.

Aqua turned her back towards me before reaching down to touch her toes and – HOLY MOLY!

Her miniskirt, which already didn't leave much to the imagination, dangerously rode up her backside as she practically exposed herself right then and there! In a flustered flash of reflexes, I looked away while shielding my peripheral vision with one hand. I fear if man were to stare directly into the perfect ass of a goddess, it would trigger the same madness invoked when gazing at the true form of Cthulhu.

"Or maybe he's only pretending to be lazy so he can 'enjoy the show'," Aqua teased relentlessly. "Well? Am I right on the money, you naughty perv you~?"

"You call me a perv yet you're the one who's mooning me!"

"C'mon, Aqua, quit trying to get a rise out of him!" Megumin interjected all annoyed. "We can all see he's clearly upset, so put your butt away!"

Bless that child for putting her foot down and coming to my aid when it mattered most...

Unfortunately, that was immediately undone by a Crusader who couldn't seem to keep it in her pants. "Yes, Aqua! Listen to Megumin and do not degrade yourself for this man! For it is my own unintentionally lewd body he has his lecherous eyes set upon when he thinks no one is looking!"

Darkness knows I've been rubbernecking!? Oh shit, I thought I was being stealthy about that! I mean, she never reacted during those times I checked her out, so I assumed I was in the clear! It also doesn't help that her armor was in the smithy today, leaving her in a tight, black tank top with a matching skirt and leggings. I tried to keep my eyes from wandering, officer, I swear!

Wait, what the heck am I saying? She's eighteen, I have nothing to be afraid of. Well, that is except for Megumin and Aqua, both of whom were currently gazing down at me with disgust (as if I didn't get enough of that from back home).

"Is this true, Ghoul Boy?" they both said in freaky unison.

Far too embarrassed to get my words out, I quietly stood up with my head down low so they couldn't see my burning face. "…can we go…?"

"What was that?" Megumin harshly spat out. "You're gonna have to speak up, mister."

"I SAID CAN WE JUST GO ALREADY!?" I practically yelled. After receiving more pissed looks for raising my voice like that, I dialed it back and elaborated. "Look, I don't know about you, but I just wanna get this over with. So can we drop it and get on with the mission so we can go home? P-Please…?"

I had to double-dog-dare myself to look back up at the royally ticked off women. To my surprise, Megumin's glare actually softened somewhat and she let out a tired sigh, muttering something about how it was "only natural". Aqua's glare didn't lose its edge, but this was Aqua we were talking about. She'll forget why she was ever angry in like five minutes.

As for the one who started this mess...Darkness was looking in every possible direction except mine while hiding her mouth with her hand. Was she regretting blurting my secret out like that? I don't know and I don't care. I just wanted to finish this quest so I could go home and sleep in my robots' stables away from all human contact.

Eventually, Aqua did drop her glare and went into a more neutral expression, idly swinging her arms by her sides as she said, "Well, I think I'm all limbered up by now. So, uh, yeah, let's get this done and over with."

Smartest thing she's ever said.

Without making a big deal about it, I opened the squeaky gates and led my team into the bowels of the cemetery. Everything about the place just screamed horror movie set: you got your dead oak trees, dilapidated gravestones, leaves that moved with the wind, and the full moon being the metaphorical cherry on top. It almost made me wish I had CameraBots to take some B-roll footage, the atmosphere was too perfect not to record. Oh well, maybe next time if I'm free and I want to direct a short horror film or something.

Speaking of horror films, I actually have something of a love/hate relationship with them. Since I was on my own for 90% of my childhood, no one was around to stop me from digging through my parents' hidden stash of R-rated movies. Lemme tell ya, Mom and Dad must've been into some fucked up shit behind closed doors. There was a TON of graphic stuff they collected over the years: psychological thrillers, "found" footage, slashers, gore fests, everything under the blood-red sun! It was like striking gold!

Yet I still can't say if watching all of them back to back was my best or worst decision ever. On one hand, I'd argue it helped inspire my passion for film-making. But on the other, I'm almost positive it skyrocketed my anxiety like a motherfucker.

Ironically enough, I actually wasn't feeling overly anxious tonight despite strolling through a literal graveyard. Probably had something to do with the fact that the only thing we needed to watch out for was an old bag of bones summoning spirits. And I think I've already explained why those don't scare me anymore.

Sadly, I still had to explain it to the girls when Aqua randomly asked, "Hey Jack, we're in a haunted old cemetery at night, so how come you're not wetting yourself in fear like usual?"

Without stopping or looking back, I sighed a half-assed response. "Let's just say I've hung out with a ghost before and they're not all they're cracked up to be. They're more naggy than they are scary."

I thought that would be the end of it, but no, of course it wasn't. A strong grip on my shoulder forced me to stop walking and to look behind. Surprisingly, it wasn't Darkness like I had originally thought, but rather Aqua who somehow looked even more serious than she did five minutes ago.

"Jack…Did I hear you say you've hung out with a ghost before?" she questioned slowly, making sure I didn't miss a beat. I don't think I like serious Aqua. Go back to the stupid, fun-loving Aqua!

"I, err, um -"

Her eyes flashed blue as she stared down at me. "Did you, or did you not, say you've lived with a departed spirit before? Yes or no?"

Now I knew why the Greeks were so fearful of gods; they can be really intimidating when they want to be! I was almost too afraid to answer truthfully. The thought of lying right in her face while she was like this and getting caught made me reconsider.

"…Y-Yes?"

What came next was...rather anticlimactic given that random bout of tense buildup forced onto me.

Aqua let go of my shoulder and pointed an accusing finger in my face, and while she still seemed crossed with me, her threatening aura had pretty much vanished once she got her answer. Now for some reason she came off more as a kid trying their hardest to be stern, but failing adorably at it.

"AHA! I knew it! Ever since we met, you've always had this musk of malevolent undead lingering on you. It's faint, but my sharp goddess nose was able to pick up on it! I didn't say anything at first because I couldn't tell if that was what teen body odor was supposed to smell like, but now I have proof!"

Between this and sniffing out exact change, I was starting to wonder if this girl was secretly part dog. It'd be fitting considering she can be a bitch sometimes.

Also, I've been carrying Wuya's ghostly B.O. for three solid years? While none the wiser!? That's rank! I'm gonna need to bathe in holy water for like a week after this.

"So why were you all buddy-buddy with a smelly evil spirit, huh?" questioned the suspicious goddess, hands locked onto her hips to assert authority (or lack thereof). "Got some skeletons you're trying to hide or what?"

"L-Let's not jump to any hasty conclusions here, Aqua!" Darkness said in an attempt to de-escalate the situation. "There has to be a reasonable explanation for this. We all know Jack has a habit of exaggerating for comedic effect. Perhaps what he is trying to say is that he was once the unwilling participant of a haunting?"

"Is that true?" Megumin asked me. "Was your old home really haunted by a restless soul with unfinished business?"

"I never planned, nor was I willing, to have a specter stink up my lair, that I can confirm," I confirmed. "But it was more of a mutual partnership than a haunting. Wuya and I used to hatch evil schemes together until she somehow revived herself. Then she kinda bailed on me. But I say good riddance! She took all the fun out of world conquest anyway."

Megumin, as well as the others, looked at me in a strange way for a bit. Suddenly, her crimson eyes flashed red as she seemingly realized something before giving me an understanding smile.

"Ah, right, of course! Should've known it was all connected to taking over the world. My bad for thinking you were being haunted!"

Darkness and Aqua soon followed up on Megumin with similar remarks of their own.

"Yes, feel free to reprimand me harshly for making such bold assumptions, future supreme ruler. No really, please, I insist~!"

"I guess super evil geniuses and stinky evil spirits can find common ground after all. Isn't that right, Jack-Jack?"

I already know they were faking it. It's likely they still think I was the victim of a haunting. In some ways, that is true, but it's the evil principle that matters here! They're just giving me empty compliments because they think I'm stupid enough to buy it.

Well you know what…I am gonna buy it! NOT because I'm stupid but because for once – for once in my life – I want to believe that they believe. I've already made my first steps to usurp the Devil King, I'm going to treat myself tonight, dammit!

So, with my eyes closed and my head held high, I resumed the march forward, pretending that they weren't pretending. "That's right, Aqua. The dark side is all about self-expression, and while it's usually a free-for-all, there's always room for cooperation. Evil tends to work in mysterious ways, which is why we're gonna work together to take down this necromancer. Then the rest of the Devil King's Generals. Then the big cheese himself. After that, the world is our oyster, baby! Nothing can stop Jack Spicer -!"

At that moment, I felt something I never wanted to feel ever again so long as I could help it. Something that was worse than stubbing your toe. Worse than getting a creepy computer virus. Worse than choking back the suffocating sensation of anxiety clawing her way out of your throat like a rabid animal until you feel you can't hold it back any longer…

And that was walking into a spider web you couldn't see.

I justifiably shrieked as I did my best to tear off the invisible strings stuck to my face. But of course that wasn't enough – it never was! I had to be extra sure there were no eight-legged fuckers on my person before I could begin to feel safe, and even then I wouldn't be spared from the after-willies!

I clumsily unlatched the strap for the HeliBot and threw off my trench coat, whipping it against the ground senselessly. Hopefully it would be enough to shake off any lose strands of web that got on it, but I'll have to soak in water later just in case. No, scratch that, I'll take it with me in my holy water bath tonight. The blessed liquid should be enough to cleanse both me and my favorite coat at the same time.

Eventually, I stopped to take a breather and, for a moment, forgot I had company. I glanced over at the girls. None of them looked like they knew what to make of my mini freak-out back there.

"Jeez, and you say my screams are loud?" Aqua snarked while twisting a finger in her ear. "I'm pretty sure there are dogs going ballistic on the other side of the country now thanks to you."

"Do we even want to know what that was all about?" Megumin asked rhetorically. But I was still upset, so I answered her question anyway.

"I ran into a spider web, okay!? I can't help it if I have arachnophobia..."

The Archwizard raised her hands up in mock surrender, the universal gesture for dropping a loaded topic. As I dusted the dirt (and potential webs or spiders still remaining) off my coat, I heard Darkness ask me something which threw me for a loop.

"Say, Jack, what is that peculiar design on your shirt? I don't know why, but…I-I feel myself being looked down upon by its menacing eminence~"

Confused, I tilted my head down and immediately realized what she was getting off at. I was wearing my red, Frankenstein's Monster graphic tee. My favorite shirt, and the one I just so happened to die in back on Earth.

"Oh, that's just Frankenstein's Monster," I answered nonchalantly. "Specifically the monster, not the mad scientist that created him. A lot people get them confused and it bugs me – eeewww, forget I said bugs!"

Megumin waved a hand in front of her as she attempted to unravel my words. "Wait, so a guy named Frankenstein made that zombie-looking thing? Was he a Zombie Maker like the one we're hunting?"

Being one of my favorite mad scientists that created one of my favorite monsters, I jumped at the chance to give a brief synopsis on the story of Frankenstein and his creation. After all the crap that's happened to me since coming to this stinkin' cemetery, geeking out over one of my interests served as a nice distraction. And to my pleasant surprise, even the girls seemed to be somewhat interested in the story (especially Darkness when I got to the part about the lightning bolt striking the monster's body).

Sadly, all decent things must come to an end, as was my lot in life. I didn't get to finish my paraphrasing when ghostly wails from out of the blue made me jump out of my skin.

I don't get it, though. One minute, these acres were deserted, dare I say dead. Then the next? BAM! It suddenly becomes a ghost party! The transparent projections of people's souls flew everywhere which way throughout the air, each one moaning in what I guess was agony. They didn't appear to be hostile, but their sudden presence did raise some serious red flags.

"Look!" Darkness suddenly shouted amidst the wailing. "Over there, by the crypt! Someone's activated a magic circle!"

It was hard to see with my bad eyes, but with the power of my Farsight skill, I was able to make out the figure Darkness was pointing at. The only discernable thing I could make out about them was that they were wearing a purple robe with a hood hiding their face.

"Yup, that's gotta be our Zombie Maker alright," I said relatively calmly.

"Are you sure?" questioned Megumin. "Somehow I get the feeling this isn't your run-of-the-mill necromancer."

Darkness brandished her longsword. "Should we charge in and take them down now while they're busy with their dark spells?"

"No! It's too risky!" Megumin exclaimed, hand outstretched to prevent the Crusader from getting any funny ideas. "Undead are especially powerful during the night of a full moon! Let me use my Explosion Magic to fully erase them from this mortal coil. It's our safest bet."

"Oh no you don't!" I butted in. "I don't want to have to pay for even more property damage! First it was the carrot patches in Mirfield, then the town's outer walls! I refuse to pay a single cent for a smoldering cemetery!"

"Well let's see you think of something better then, Mr. 'Evil Teen Genius'!" Megumin challenged irritably. "Aqua may be a goddess, but you can't possible except her to attack a supercharged undead all by her-"

"RrrAAAAuuuuGGGGhhhh!"

And there she goes, charging straight ahead at our target in a rage-boosted dash. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to keep her under control.

"For a Lich to be here is unforgivable! As a representative of the Heavenly Realm, I shall judge you!"

Hang on, did Aqua say this guy was a Lich? Aren't those supposed to be one of the strongest undead classes in all of fiction? What the hell was one those bone wizards doing here!? Wasn't this cemetery supposed to have dead scrubs and newbies buried here? What use would a Lich have recruiting zombies of weak, low-leveled adventurers?

In a flash, Aqua began stomping the circumference of the magic circle surrounding the Lich with her boot. Each stomp appeared to weaken the circle's energy, if it flickering like a faulty lightbulb was anything to go off of.

The robbed figure responsible for the cipher cried out, "AH! St-st-stopppp! Who are you!? Where'd you come from!? Why are you wrecking my magic circle!? Please stop!"

Those pleas sounded awfully feminine for a supposed king of the undead. Was this Lich actually a woman? I never considered that Liches could be female…

Well, as it turns out, they could. The moment the magic circle was broken, Aqua pounced on the Lich, pushing her to the ground and exposing her admittedly pretty face underneath the hood. She had unblemished skin and brown eyes, with her matching brown hair flowing down around her neck and obscuring her right eye. The thick purple robes she wore became unbuttoned during the scuffle, showing off a bust that rivaled Dark's, and that was saying something right there!

In short, she looked nothing like a Lich. Instead she looked more like a human girl. One who was…um, well, well-endowed and had a curvaceous body type now that was getting a better look at her…

Keep it in your pants, Spicer! I can already detect Megumin giving me the stink eye in my peripheral vision. Why couldn't the Lich have been a dude instead? I'm bi so it wouldn't have mattered to me either way! Besides, abs are easier to conceal than breasts...

Aqua laughed, "Ha-Ha-Ha! So, you thought you could get away with whatever heinous plot you were concocting, did ya? Well nice try! The great Me was able to nip the bud in your sinful plans!"

The Lich desperately sputtered, "W-W-What? No, please, you misunderstand -"

"Silence, unholy abomination! People who stray from their humanity to become undead make me sick. Which is why I'll purify these lost souls and you along with them! Yah!"

With the flick of her wrist, Aqua encompassed the entire cemetery in a bluish glow, reminiscent to that of an aquarium. The souls, who I guess would be the fish in this metaphor, began to evaporate in what looked like appeasement. Soon the graveyard became an empty and barren landscape again.

As for the Lich lady…

"AH! Oh no! My body – it's threatening to disappear! H-Help, somebody, please!"

Aqua's triumphant laughs during the purification process stopped shortly after discovering that the Lich's bangin' bod was still tethered to this world, if only by a thread.

"Eh!? Aw c'mon! My magic should've been enough to purify you! Am I really starting to lose my touch now that I'm technically a demigod? No, this can't be happening to meeeeeee!"

Great, now we've got a crying demigod and a whimpering Lich on our hands. What a night for me.

Well, seeing as how this Lich wasn't much of a threat, I decided to approach her and attempt a conversation. Y'know, just to get a read on her personality.

"Uh…hey there," I greeted stiffly. "I take it from my crybaby partner that you're a Lich. That's, uh…cool I guess. What that's like, huh?"

As her body slowly regained its physical form, the pale woman blinked away her tears and stared at me. Right now part of me wishes I had chosen enhanced social skills as my divine cheating power.

"…W-What's being a Lich like?" she asked, clearly surprised that I was even talking to her.

"Well, yeah, I mean...I dunno, I thought Liches were supposed to be sapient zombies or something along those lines. But you look like a normal human."

"Th-That's just because I practice good hygiene…"

Oh. Uh, okay then. Not gonna press on that topic any further. Let's change the subject.

"A-Alright then. You, uh, gotta a name or is just calling you 'Lich' fine?"

During the course of my bizarre conversation, I had completely forgotten about Aqua, who had recently recovered from her wallowing to scold me. "Wha - JACK! What do you think you're doing!? Don't converse with her kind! You might turn into one too!"

"First of all, WOW! Racist, much? Second of all, I'm pretty sure that's not how becoming a Lich works," I argued. "Besides, all I did was ask her name, so cool your jets, demigod."

"I am NOT a demigod! I am a FULL god, darn it!"

And that's when I tuned her out and went back to repeat my question to the docile Lich woman standing awkwardly in front of me.

"Oh, well, um...my name is Wiz," she answered politely. "What might yours be if you don't mind me asking?"

Proudly placing my fists on my hips, I responded, "You're talking to the one and only Jack Spicer, Super Evil Genius Mastermind, and his Posse of Destruction!"

There was a beat of silence between the two of us. I awkwardly shoved my hands down my pockets as I coughed, "Uh, normally this is the part where I have my evil theme music blaring in the background. But I left my robots back at the stables. They're not really effective against Ghost-types so I didn't think to bring them along."

"…Eh?"

The evil theme music would've sold it for her, I just know it.

"Never mind," I dismissed with a hand wave. "Anyway, what were you doing before we got here? Raising a ghost army or something?"

"What? No, I would never!" Wiz answered, looking almost offended that I would even suggest that. "You see, being what I am, I can hear the voices of these lost souls. Most of the ones that wander this cemetery never received proper burials due to them being impoverished when they were alive. As a result, they were unable to move on to the afterlife, and became lost in the process. So I periodically come visit to guide them back to Heaven."

In other words, she's a good guy Lich. Lame. Well, at least she's easy on the eyes and doesn't smell like death. Unlike Wuya prior to her getting a physical form.

Darkness stepped forward (with Megumin cautiously trailing behind her) and asked Wiz, "If that's the case, then why not leave it to the priests of this town?"

"Th-That's because the priests of this town are rather materialistic," Wiz answered, her one visible eye rising when Darkness gave her a questioning look. "Err, what I mean is, the rites for people without money are often postponed, so…"

"So they end up pushing poor cemeteries like this one off to the side," Megumin finished.

Wiz nodded solemnly. Two-thirds of my party gave similar affirmations in response. Can you guess who the outlier was?

"Why is everyone siding with this Lich!?" Aqua shouted. "Jack and Megumin I can kinda understand, but Darkness? You're a holy Crusader, I should've expected you of all people to back me up here! I'm your goddess's senior for My sake, you're supposed to be against undead savages!"

"That's hurtful!" whimpered the alleged undead savage.

As for the holy Crusader, she dug her foot into the soil while looking down at it and softly responded back. "Well, under normal circumstances, yes. However, from what I've seen so far, I cannot confidently say Wiz is a dangerous malcontent. Hell, she's even doing a charitable service on her own accord! What kind of person, human or otherwise, should be condemned for such a selfless act?"

Eh, I personally don't buy it. I've researched cryptids and mythological creatures before, I know what a Lich is like: they're the reanimated bodies of radical wizards who wanted to cheat death and become omniscient. But give them a couple of eons and they'll lose sight of anything resembling humanity and just start chaos for chaos' sake. It's possible Wiz is relatively young for her kind but, sooner or later, she and the rest of her Lich-y friends will become a serious problem for my future federation. I bet a lifetime supply of pudding cups on it.

That being said, however, I can't deny my innate curiosity to study what kind of kickass powers she has under her sleeves! So even though I'm not entirely keen on trusting her, I will be on the lookout for something that sticks out about her. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

"Selfless?" Aqua repeated back, disgusted. "She's a freak of nature, that's what she is! Plus, she's the one we were tasked to eliminate in the first place! I say we finish her off now and never discuss this again!'

Wiz sputtered for a second before pleading to Aqua, "No, wait, please don't purify me again! Look, I-I run a small magic shop back in town. It doesn't get good business but, if you have mercy, I'll give you and your friends a customer's discount!"

Aqua remained silent.

"I also serve tea on the side…?"

That made Aqua hum to herself before she pointed a finger at Wiz. "Alright, I accept. But only on one condition."

She's already given you two conditions!

"Let someone more responsible and holy take over your graveyard shift. I'm of course talking about me. A goddess is far more suited to guide the dead than you."

The Lich teared up (though I couldn't tell if those were happy tears or hurtful tears) and promptly glomped the ruthless goddess, hugging her at the waist with all her might while thanking her to the high heavens.

"Ew, don't touch me!" Aqua crowed. "Also, 3-second rule!"

I felt a headache coming on.

It was early morning when we agreed to visit the little magic shop Wiz said she ran. It was a Mom-and-Pop type shop tucked away at the end of a street with low foot traffic. There was a counter, shelves for products, a small table with two chairs, and nothing else. She really wasn't kidding when she said her store didn't get a lot of good business.

Although, I think I figured out why she doesn't get a lot of customers, and it's not just because of the bare bones atmosphere. Every item this airhead had for sale was faulty! And it was always a specific fault too; something that completely defeated the item's intended purpose.

For example, while Wiz was brewing some tea for a grumpy Aqua, Megumin asked about a vile of bubbling green liquid she picked up off a shelf, and she had this to say:

"Oh, that? That's a potion for humans to be able to navigate dark places without a lantern by making their bodies glow! You just need to have see-through skin in order for your insides to shine through."

Humans don't have see-through skin! So what's the friggin' point of it then!?

Some of the products were just flat-out useless for the average consumer to want to buy:

"Excuse me, Wiz, I have a question about this potion that attracts beasts," Darkness said with that infamous blush on her face. "Um, w-would it, by chance, make one more attractive to men with a 'beastly' nature?"

The Lich answered, "Sadly, no. It only attracts beast-like monsters. The scent makes them attack the wearer one after the other without pause, similar to the Decoy skill."

"I SHALL TAKE YOUR ENTIRE STOCK!"

Then again, my teammates weren't exactly average consumers. This shop might as well have been a goldmine for them.

I'll only say this once and inside my mind, but thank god for Aqua's intimidation factor. If she hadn't threaten Wiz with purification, she wouldn't have bribed us with discounts, and all our quest money we earned from lying about the "Zombie Maker's" death would've been splurged on the junk my party was buying up.

"Here is your tea, Lady Aqua," Wiz said politely after setting the cup on the table Aqua was sitting at. She took one sip before spitting it out.

"This tea isn't hot at all! Your cold, dead Lich hands must've made my tea lukewarm! Make me another one!"

"Yes Lady Aqua, sorry Lady Aqua, right away Lady Aqua!"

If only this shop sold Ibuprofen…

Chapter Text

Alright, another day, another opportunity to make a quick buck...I mean eris. Still getting used to some of the terminology here.

Anyway, the last quest the girls and I went on went surprisingly well for once. Even if I had to lie about the specifics of how it went down, it was still ultimately a net gain on our end. But, of course, that wasn't enough. We were going to need a lot more dough if we wanted to make ends meet, and Aqua's arts & crafts just weren't cutting it lately. World domination ain't exactly a cheap business venture y'know.

So, with that in mind, I studied the quest board for something decent in terms of both workload and profit. I finally won back the rights as leader to choose any and all future quests after a painfully long debate with Aqua. Seriously, you give that woman an inch and she'll take a mile.

"Let's see what we got here…" I muttered to myself in concentration. "'Carrying luggage for a visiting nobleman'? Hmmm...sounds like demeaning grunt work. But the pay does look good. Plus, I can always get Darkness and the JackBots to do most of the heavy lifting for me. And who really cares if this gig turns out to be degrading? I've done more for less."

"Yeah, I bet you have, little man!"

When will people learn to butt out of other people's one-sided conversations?

That jab came from the table closest to the board. It was your generic stock group of adventurers. There was a raven-haired archer wearing a blue jacket, a wizard in a green jacket with a racoon tail that I couldn't tell was fake or not, a Crusader who looked like he was trying to be the next Rambo, and that blonde teen in the red jacket who was crying about tomatoes on the day of Beldia's death.

Hey, I never said anything about their appearances or backgrounds being generic.

"I heard that, you know," I informed with a tight frown.

"Oh, I know," Tomato Boy replied smugly. "That's because I wanted you to hear it. I mean, you're seriously considering taking on a luggage-carrying quest of all things? Dude, c'mon, you're in a party full of top tier babes with advanced classes! Why can't you take on a more challenging and worthwhile quest, huh? You're just dead weight holding the rest of your party back. Ain't that right, Adventurer?"

Tomato Boy's blue jacket counterpart laughed along with him. And while the green jacket girl and rugged Crusader tried to be professional by not openly joining in on the diss fest, they were definitely holding back from snickering.

I felt my fists balling up like they had a will of their own. This wisenheimer didn't know a damn thing about me. He doesn't have the right to mock the ruler of the universe!

Settle down, Jack, you've gone through your whole life being the butt of everyone's jokes. You should've developed thicker skin by now. Doesn't mean it hurts any less, though…

But, as of the current moment, I had no rebuttal. I was still stuck with the generic Adventurer class, the one that's looked down upon for its slow level-up rate and debuff to all skills outside of its class. I've yet to meet the Level cap needed to make the switch over to a class that's more brag worthy, i.e. Battlesmith.

Besides...the guy's not totally wrong about my teammates. Sure, they make me want to tear out my hair, but they do hold advanced classes that overshadow mine. If coordinated correctly, the girls can be utilized for evil, but that doesn't cover up the fact that I'm still the weakest link in my own team. So, once again, I have no legit comeback...

That didn't stop me from trying though.

"O-Oh yeah!? Well…at least I have the highest IQ in the guild! I'm so smart, I build robots just for the heck of it! How do you like them apples? Or should I say tomatoes in your case? Oh wait, that's right, you don't seem to have any~"

That last part must've struck a nerve with him as he immediately stood up from his seat to have a glare-off with me.

"Big talk coming from a wuss like yourself! You think just because you can make a small militia of golems to hide behind, that suddenly makes you hot shit? You rookies are all the same: all bark and no bite!"

I barked, "They are NOT golems! My JackBots are highly advanced, intricate killing machines. Golems are mindless clumps of dirt and clay lazily assembled by magic. The difference between the two is staggering!"

Tomato Boy was quick to respond. "Oh? You mean like how the odds of you hooking up with own harem are staggering?"

Most of the guild erupted in laughter while that blonde asshole sat back down to take a victory sip of his beer. That's it, he's landed himself on my blacklist, just below the Xiaolin Losers.

I think my teammates could see the steam bellowing out of my ears because it was around this time that they all came to my side.

"Hey, Jack, don't bother with these chumps," Megumin reassured as she gave me a pat on the back. "I don't give a damn what they have to say about us."

"She's right, do not let the meaningless words of a drunkard bring you down," Darkness reaffirmed while patting my shoulder. "You're better off ignoring him."

"Yeah, he's just jealous that you have us on your side!" Aqua cheered in what I assume was an attempt to lower the tension in the room. "We don't need his validation, so let's just ditch him and go do something together."

…Y'know something? I honestly needed this kind of support right now. Really, I mean it. In fact, I might have to treat them all to ice cream later. It's the least I could do to thank them.

But before I could turn away and make good on that promise…

"How envious it must be to be surrounded by powerful babes! How envious it must be to not know true suffering!" mocked the blonde douche before settling back down and snorting into his drink. "How's about switching places with me, bro?"

"WHAT WAS THAT, PUNK!?"

Despite losing my cool, I did take pride in seeing the dickhead's reaction when I took his beer mug and splashed it right in his face.

"Oi! The hell are you - !?"

I wasn't going to let him finish. I grabbed him by his jacket collar and laid into him like I did Chase.

"Oh yeah, sure, let's all pick on the new kid! He's fresh meat, and as we all clearly understand, noobs are sub-human trash who don't deserve respect. WELL WHO THE HELL TAUGHT YOU THAT LOAD OF BULL, HUH!? YOUR MOMMY!? Did she force-feed you spoonfuls of those lies while you were still in diapers? It's either that or mob mentality!"

The guild became as quiet as a church. Tomato Boy's companions didn't seem to know what to do or say. I thought I heard one of my own companions try to say something to me, but I didn't care to check who.

"You think I have it easy?" I asked him rhetorically before giving a quick, sharp, sarcastic laugh. "HAH! I wish I had some of what you're smoking! Because APPARENTLY I am forever cursed to always get screwed over by the universe. So in order to counterbalance my rotten luck, I have to work TWICE as hard just to take a step forward for every two steps I take back! Through sheer will and education, I'll be the one out there dominating the playing field while chumps like you end up bagging my groceries!"

They say eyes are the windows to the soul, so I made sure to emphasize my final message by staring intently into his red eyes and not breaking contact (something easier said than done for me). "That's why one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone thinks I don't know what it's like to suffer. So you know what? Fine. How about we actually switch parties for a day. I'd love to see you wrangle those three problem children all on your own!"

Said problem children immediately took offense to that. I couldn't help it if I'm right.

At any rate, Tomato Boy wiped his mouth clean of spittle and stammered, "I, err...sorry. The, um, alcohol might've gotten to my head. We obviously got off on the wrong foot here. Let's start over: my name is Dust and these guys here are my friends."

The mage with the green jacket interjected, "To be honest, Taylor and I have begun questioning the logistics of putting up with you. You've been getting on everyone's bad side more than usual lately."

"Hey, don't portray me as some kind of lowlife thug! I'm not that bad!" 

"Dust, the police all know you by name now. And I've had to bail you out of jail so many times, people are starting to view me as your personal babysitter. It's so embarrassing!"

Wow. His party gives him flack too, huh? He may be a prick, but I still give my condolences...

"A-Anyway! I was only bitter because, from where I'm sitting, your situation is like a million times better than mine!" Dust cried to me in exasperation. "Having a harem of pretty ladies with advanced classes following you around? That's every self-respecting man's dream come true! You said you were willing to swap places with me, right? We each go on one adventure with the other's parties and see who has it better or worse."

Dust turned to his party and asked if they would be alright with that. They all gave various forms of confirmation. He turned back to me with a shit-eating grin.

"If you're having any doubts, this your last chance to back out~"

I leaned close to his face and put on my best determined face. "Gong. Yi. Tenpai."

"Come again?"

"Begin. The. Showdown."

Aqua timidly piped up from behind me. "Uh, Jack? Don't we get a say in this?"

I waved my hand and answered absentmindedly, "Just think of this as being under new temporary management. You'll be fine."

The guy that looked like an office worker who pumps a ton of iron began the introductions. "Greetings, my name is Taylor. I'm a Crusader proficient with a shield and greatsword. I guess you could say I'm the de facto leader of the party, despite what Dust might have you believe. Anyway, even though this arrangement is only temporary, you're still a member of our team. Just follow my instructions and you should be just fine."

I shrugged. "Eh, it's fine. Being a leader can be really taxing sometimes. Taking orders instead of giving them should be what the doctor ordered."

Taylor's eyebrows shot upwards and his eyes widened a bit. "Wait…You mean three high-tier warriors are following the directions of an Adventurer such as yourself?"

"Uh...yeah?"

Dust's companions simply gawked at me for several unnecessarily long seconds. C'mon people, it's not that weird! I'm the brains behind this whole operation, and everybody knows that the brain is the most important organ. Well, I guess you could make the argument that the heart is more important since it circulates blood throughout the body – eh, details! Let's not lose focus here.

Racoon-tail-girl was the first to come to her senses and introduced herself. "Uh, anywho! My name's Rin! I'm a mage who can use Intermediate Magic. Nice to meet you! Stick with me and you'll go far, rookie!"

Am I hearing things, or did she just say she can use magic that isn't Explosion related? I thought I'd never see the day where a mage can be allowed to have more than one, single, solitary move in her arsenal. I think I've built up such a tolerance to general incompetence that normal stuff feels like a counterculture punch to the gut.

Last one up was the guy in the blue jacket, and he got straight to the point. "Keith. Archer. I'm the go-to guy if you want something dead from afar. Welcome aboard, kid."

After shaking Keith's hand and finally getting acquainted with the rest, it was only appropriate that I give them a short villainous monologue about their temporary recruit. After all, what kind of a bad guy would I be if I didn't?

"Cool, suppose it's fair to introduce myself. I'm Jack Spicer, Evil Intellectual Adventurer Extraordinaire! My hobbies include long walks on the beach at night, building robot armies, and – of course – winning. Now what's on the menu for today's adventure?"

My surrogate party members had to take a minute to bask in my diabolical glory. I allowed it, they were still new to the whole Jack package. Or as I like to call it, the Jackage~!

Keith suddenly turned turned to Taylor and asked, "Is it too late to get Dust back?"

The man scolded his insubordinate subordinate as he whapped him away from his side. He then turned back to me with an apologetic look etched onto his chiseled face...

Damn, if I don't get my act together, I might lose myself in those pretty eyes of his! Crap, I did it again!

"Please excuse my comrade," Taylor apologized. "He has a bad habit of not thinking before he speaks. He can be just as bad as Dust in that regard. Now, as far as questing goes, we weren't really planning on going on one today. Although, given the circumstances, we can always partake in a simple goblin-slaying quest. There's been a commotion happening near the hillside and the Adventurer's Guild needs the area cleared out. Since you hold the weakest class in our party, you'll be assigned to carry our luggage. But don't worry, we'll split the reward money equally~"

Wow, went from defending me to giving me snarky service with a smile. Thanks a lot, handsome prick. Oh well, I was bracing myself to carry crap anyway. I just hope he wasn't being sarcastic about splitting the money equally.

As I went ahead and tidied up the essentials we would need for the trip, I overheard the familiar shrill voice of Aqua coming from the quest board.

"HUH!? You want us to take a goblin quest? But that's way below our paygrade! Let's take something more daring! We need to prove to Jack that he's missing out big time!"

I looked over to see Dust rubbing the back of his head and addressing my evil posse. "Ah ha ha…Yes, well, I know this quest is child's play to ladies of your caliber, but please pick a simple one for my sake!"

"Oi, Dust!" Rin called out. "Don't get so comfortable that you won't wanna rejoin us, alright?"

He shouted back, "Hey, what do you take me for? A hopeless delinquent?"

"Yup."

"Y-You didn't even bat an eye when you said that!"

Darkness perked up like an excited puppy. "Is this true, Dust? Are you really a degenerate delinquent who treats his companions like tools!?"

"Wait, what? Why are you putting words in my mouth...?"

Tomato Boy's gonna have egg on his face for sure. If only I had a CameraBot ready for when that moment inevitably comes. Oh well, better conserve enough mana for later. But I think I know what my next robot should be...

God, my arms were killing me!

I was lagging behind Taylor's party when we set out on our journey to the mountains. The group was happily chatting amongst themselves like I didn't even exist. It'd been an hour into the trip and already I was fed up with it! My feet were sore, my arms were tired, and the sun constantly beaming down on me wasn't helping my complexion.

Not only that…but I was also bored out of my mind.

The walk to the mountain path was uneventful, nothing came to challenge us. Plus, my temporary party simply couldn't be bothered to engage with me in any meaningful way (other than taking the occasional glance behind just to make sure I didn't keel over and die). I know my regular team was chaotic and all...but at least there was never a dull moment with them around.

N-Not that I miss them of course! I'm only saying they were energizing to hang out with, nothing more. In fact, if push ever comes to shove, I can always replace them with perfect robotic doubles. At least then I can program them to be a little more docile then their organic counterparts.

Bitching and moaning aside, we finally made it to the mountains. They weren't like any of the lush, green mountains back in China. They were more rocky and bare like the ones in Europe. So that begs the question: why would a bunch of dumb goblins want to hang out in a place that provides little to no comfort?

Oh, right, because they're dumb. I answered my own question.

Taylor stopped to whip out his map and said, "Alright, the goblins were spotted at the top of this mountain path, just as it starts leading down this slope. There might be some hiding in the caves beside the path, so everyone be on guard from this point on."

"Hey, what about me!?" I cried, feeling left out. "I'm the one carrying everybody's junk over here! What am I supposed to do if a goblin attacks me?"

Everyone was quick to give me nasty looks. It's nothing I wasn't already used to, but something about the situation made me shrink back somewhat. In hindsight, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to annoy more experienced adventurers who can easily dropkick me at the drop of a hat.

"Just stay close to us and there won't be a problem," Keith responded with a low growl. "Also, if you lose or damage our 'junk', you can forget about getting paid at all. Got it?"

I nodded meekly.

"Alright," Taylor remarked. "Now let's go before it gets dark. Keep your eyes peeled everyone."

We trudged up the slope in silence. I was not about to cry, but I was seriously regretting switching teams.

The trail itself was narrow with a rocky wall on our right and a cliff on our left. We had to carefully walk in a single file line to make it up the mountain face. That's when something…interesting happened.

Out of nowhere, I spotted a red dot in my peripheral vision. I was going to dismiss it as my eyes playing tricks on me until I clearly saw the dot blink and move around. At the same time, a transparent outline of the very same trail we were walking up on appeared directly in my line of sight.

"The fuck…?"

I thought I had finally snapped. But then it hit me: this must've been my Enemy Detection skill going off. My Adventurer Card once said that it picked up on hostiles using "Radar-like pings". This must be what it was referring to! I was only surprised by it because this was the first time it was actually going off. Not once did it decide to activate during the toad quest, the cabbage harvest, or the boss encounter. Maybe it functioned more like preliminary security alert system? Like, the radar gets set off when the enemy is sneaking but not when they've already made themselves present? Well, that's the working theory I've got so far.

As for the red dot, it looked like it was going to make a turn around the corner we were heading.

"Uh, guys?" I cautiously spoke up. "I know you're probably still mad at me, but I'm sensing some kind of enemy about to turn the corner ahead of us."

The multicolored trio stopped dead in their tracks. Taylor turned to me, shocked, with his brows furrowed and his forehead creased in worry. I should know, I've made that expression more times than I care to admit.

"Wait, you have the Enemy Detection skill?" he asked. "And there's only one enemy? That shouldn't be a goblin, they always travel in packs. It might be a high-leveled monster."

"Well what do we do, then!?" cried Rin. "We're on a straight path, we'll be spotted for sure!"

Their shaky voices and talk of strong monsters was infectious, which is why I voted that we hide.

Keith glared at me. "Are you stupid!? We're on a cliffside, where are we supposed to hide?"

I blanked for a second before offering, "W-Well, I read that the Lurk skill can also affect party members touched by the user..."

"You have the Lurk skill too?" Taylor questioned before he shook himself out of it. "Never mind. Everyone, hold on to Jack's shoulders. Jack, use Lurk and slide up against that wall. Hurry!"

Spoken like a true sergeant. Maybe there's a chance I can recruit him into my evil army once the world is mine. A handsome face like his could be just the motivation the troops would need other than the looming threat of being court-martialed.

Getting back on track, I used Lurk to turn myself invisible while the others touched my shoulders and subsequently disappeared from the visible spectrum along with me. We all backed against the cliffside wall and waited with bated breath for the enemy to skulk past us.

The single creature that came shambling around the bend was something I was dreading to run into. It matched the description I was given by the mohawked beefcake on my first day of adventuring...

The Beginner's Bane. Also affectionately referred to as a "Rookie Slayer".

When I saw the thing, I covered my mouth in a panic to avoid screaming in terror. However, in defense of my manhood, Rin did the exact same thing first. I was merely copying her because she was a veteran, so…monkey see, monkey do.

After the saber-toothed beast sniffed the area, it wandered back in the direction we just came from until it was out of sight. That's when we felt it was safe to decloak ourselves and let out the breaths we'd been holding in.

"How…how scary! That was a Rookie Slayer, an actual Rookie Slayer!" Rin stammered. "I think my heart stopped beating for a sec there…"

"No wonder goblins have been spotted near town," Keith mumbled. "They must've been herded by that thing. These mountains are probably its home."

"And now it's heading in the direction of our home," Taylor noted. "This is problematic, we won't be able to return to town from where we came. That beast is too high-leveled for us to take down at our current strength."

Despite the underlying tension in the group, the non-masochistic Crusader quickly straightened himself out. "Still, we have a quest to finish. A Beginner's Bane normally protects the goblins it uses to lure in would-be adventurers. If we kill the goblins and hide their bodies in the woods, it might ignore us like it did just now and follow the scent of fresh corpses instead. Even if it does get close, we can rely on Jack's Enemy Detection skill. Let's head for our destination."

Yeesh, he's starting to sound like that Kangaroo Meatball guy. I hope being around goody two-shoes 24/7 doesn't affect my evil street cred. Or worse, rub off on -

Nope, nuh-uh, not happenin'! I already made the mistake of trying to turn good once; that will be the last time I ever do something so stupid. Besides, I was all depressed after disappointing my (at the time) evil hero, so I wasn't exactly in the best headspace back then.

Regardless, we all unanimously agreed with Taylor's proposal and continued on the path. But, in an unexpected turn of events, Rin actually took some of the luggage I was carrying off my back. When I gave her a confused look, she gazed off to the side.

"If we encounter the Beginner's Bane and need to run, it would be better if you had a lighter load," she muttered quietly. "So I'll carry some of my stuff. As compensation, we'll be counting on your Enemy Detection and Lurk skills, 'k?"

Hearing Rin say that, Taylor and Keith hurriedly took some of their bags from me as well.

Huh…Looks like things were coming up Jack after all!

After that disturbing close call with a ferocious, intelligent animal, we continued hiking up the mountain trail until we came upon a large indentation marked on Taylor's map. Likely a meteor impact site if I had to wager a guess.

"Alright, this is the where most of the goblin sightings took place," stated Taylor. "Jack, picking up anything from your Enemy Detection?"

Bad. Fucking. Lord.

"Something's wrong with my eyes! I can't see! IT'S ALL JUST RED!"

"SHH! Quiet, you idiot!" Rin whispered-yelled nervously. "Guys, there may be more goblins around the corner than we can handle. If Jack's vision is entirely blotted with red dots, we may be going up against a horde!"

While I was trying to paw my way around thanks to my sudden vision impairment, I heard Keith snort, "So what? There just shrimps! The worse they can do is kick us in the shin. Besides, we can't let the newbie hog the limelight forever. LET'S GO!"

"Keith, stop! Don't be reckless!"

"No, Taylor, stay hidden!"

"What's happening!? I still can't see over here, you guys!"

I heard the others' footsteps dash ahead, so I had to us the rocky wall beside me as an anchor to reality.

Was this what it was like to be blind? If so, I have a newfound respect for people who can go their whole lives living like this. I should buy a walking stick in case my Enemy Detection goes haywire again. Or better yet, get a refund on the skill itself. No ability is worth giving me a panic attack over the loss of my vision! Can skills even be refunded? How the heck would that work? I'll bet Luna gets asked that question a lot.

I'm just trying to distract myself from the fact that all I saw was red, which kind of also merged into brown due to my weird color blindness. Turns out the Farsight skill I picked up couldn't correct that aspect of my vision. Yet another case of false advertising.

"Woah! That's a lotta gobs!"

"We told you not to go in bows firing! Now look where that got us!"

Once I shuffled blindly to where the shouts were coming from, I noticed holes to the outside world started popping up across my vision, meaning the red dots were finally disappearing. Finally! Now let's see what we have to work with here…

"…I think I made wee-wee…" I whispered to nobody at the sight of a GOBLIN MOSH PIT!

"There's usually only a dozen or so goblins in a standard pack!" Taylor yelled. "Damn it, if we turn back, we might get caught between them and the Rookie Slayer! There's nothing else we can do, we have to fight!"

Taylor and the others readied themselves for battle as I calculated in my head how fast the JackBots could get here if I called them. The answer? Not fast enough...

"Chi, chi, chi! Chi, chi, chi!"

The goblins emitted weird battle screams as charged up the slope of the crater. The situation may look bleak, but if we can keep the high ground, we might have a fighting chance.

An arrow from behind the enemy line zipped through the air and lodged itself in Taylor's arm.

"ARGH! Shit, I'm hit! Be careful! They got archers in their ranks! Rin, cast a wind-defense spell, quick!"

"Rin's still chanting, she won't make it!" Keith alerted. "Everyone, try to dodge!"

They needed wind spells to blow back the arrows? Well, I'm no Raimundo, but I've got something that might help.

"Wind Breath!"

Along with Create Water, I also took the liberty of learning the other three basic elemental spells: Wind Breath, Tinder, and Create Earth. They're only beginner spells I purchased for dirt cheap with my leftover skill points, but at least I can live out my fantasies of showing up those Wu-obsessed monks.

The small gust of conjured up wind was just powerful enough to throw off the aerodynamics of the arrows, causing them to clatter harmlessly to the ground. Taylor gawked at me. "J-Jack…! Great job, man!"

As soon as he gave me some unexpected praise, Rin was done chanting her spell. "Wind Curtain!"

A torrent of wind suddenly formed a curtain-like barrier in front of us. The remaining arrows targeted at us were swept away like twigs in a hurricane. Rin's spell also gave me a cheeky idea I wanted to try...

"Create Earth!" I shouted and generated two small mounds of dirt in each hand. Before my associates could ask what I was doing, I tossed the dirt into Rin's Wind Curtain. The whirlwinds greedily sucked up all the debris and, as a result, gradually converted itself into a miniature tornado. Then, I used what little mana I had left to conjure another Wind Breath spell to nudge the Wind Curtain barrier towards the goblin horde. The dirt was effectively blown into their eyes, momentarily blinding them and giving us a much-needed edge.

Now on a roll, I barked, "Taylor, hit 'em while they're distracted! Keith, take out those archers hiding in the back! Rin, keep using those wind spells! Also, while you're at it, throw some dirt in there to keep blinding them!"

Nobody even questioned my directions, they just looked at me and did exactly as I said! Taylor effortlessly cut through the goblins' defenses like paper, Keith sniped the archers with the deadly accuracy of an assassin, and Rin spammed her Wind Curtain skill (while taking my suggestion to heart no less)!

Despite the unexpected chemistry of our teamwork, one of the green midgets somehow managed to get the jump on me when I least expected it. It knocked me flat on my ass and had me pinned down with its surprisingly strong arms. The others were too busy with the horde to notice or hear me, so I was left to try and buck the little bastard off. Its face was grotesque and its breath was nauseating. It kept growling and attempting to bite me like a rapid animal on steroids. I could feel myself losing strength from thrashing around as much as I did.

This was it, wasn't it? This was where my journey ends. I don't think I've ever been this scared or alone in all my life...

"Jack Spicer, prepare yourself for a most humiliating defeat!"

I must be going delirious because that sounded like Omi's voice.

When I cracked open my eyes, I was met with a bright round yellow face instead of a deformed green one staring down at me. Cheddar Head's ever present shit-eating grin was smeared on his lips as my strength faded and my vision blurred.

"O-Omi…?" I grunted.

"Give up, Spicer! You will never hope to be as strong and talented as me!"

I didn't understand what was going on. Best guess was my previous life flashing before my eyes and getting blended into current reality. Regardless I was getting sick of hearing those all-too-familiar jabs directed at me. If only Omi here would just -

"Wuya and Chase were right: you truly are a disgrace to evil everywhere!"

"SHUT UP!"

Adrenaline rushed through my veins as I headbutted my assaulter. With my arms now free, I unsheathed my short sword and swiftly stabbed him in the side of his neck. The goblin gurgled for a bit before falling over, dead.

I remember just standing there, the battle but a faint ring in my ears as I replayed the event over and over in my mind. I knew they just were monsters, no different than deranged animals that would rather eat you alive or take glee in killing you if they were sentient enough. But it still felt...icky killing one up close and personal. After the incident with the Giant Toads, I thought I'd never be able to properly stomach murdering living creatures. Hell, the only reason I even kept a somewhat cool composure back then was because I busied myself with a tunnel vision objective of saving Aqua and Megumin.

But now…I think I may have accidentally found a coping mechanism to get around killing monsters: by imagining them as my past tormentors!

Deciding to test this revelation, I zeroed in on another goblin that was making a charge at me. I concentrated and, in my mind, superimposed one of my old enemies' faces onto it.

"Maybe if you worked out once and a while, you wouldn't look like a scrawny old lady!"

"Fuck you, Kimiko!"

I successfully dodged the monster's predictable attack and stabbed it in the back. Another went in to avenge its friend.

"That Jack is slower than a three-legged cow in quicksand!"

"Am not, Clay!"

I used the hilt of my sword to stun him before slicing him through the abdomen. For the rest of the battle, I continued to use my newfound technique to help my teammates kill all the remaining goblins.

"Ready to have your butt kicked again, wannabe goth?"

"Why must you insist on building those infernal machines? They're useless!"

"Silence, worm! I have no time to trifle with the likes of you!"

There was no doubt in my mind that this was far from a healthy way to cope. But, to be fair, it got results. No survivors of the goblin horde were left after we were done.

"I have never seen anyone use magic in such a way before! Is Basic Magic really that practical?"

"I know, right? We were taught from a really young age that Basic Magic was just a waste of skill points! If only my parents could see Jack back there!"

"Man, this is the first time I can say I actually enjoyed hunting goblins! I mean, I thought we were all doomed when I saw the size of their tribe!"

The four of us were laughing and joking about the fight on the way back to Axel. Emotions were still high and our blood still pumping! Even when I was back on Earth, it'd been so long since I last had a smooth victory like that. It's a real shame it doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to.

After we dispatched the goblins, we followed through with Taylor's plan of scattering the bodies throughout the forest to throw off the Beginner's Bane, and hopefully sway it into leaving the area altogether. In another close call, we actually spotted it on our back down to the field lands. Although it appeared to have just returned from a fight itself as it was fairly wounded and walking with a limp. And if I didn't know any better, I'd say it also had this look of...fearful disgust in its eyes? Like it had just witnessed something too nasty even for it to handle. But that could've just been me projecting onto a wild animal as the smell of goblin blood was kinda getting to me.

Either way, we didn't take any chances and cloaked ourselves until it passed by and was out of sight. We probably missed out on a lot of juicy XP with that one, but better safe than sorry.

"Good thing you had a nerd with a non-specialized class on your side, huh?" I turned back to the adventurers and joked. "Without my quick wit, you'd all be goblin chew toys right about now!"

The three of them seemed to get flustered over my little roast. Bet they feel pretty stupid for doubting me before.

"Ah...sorry for misjudging you back then, Jack," Taylor apologized sincerely. "We promise to never look down on you, or other newbies, again for occupation only. It was wrong of us...even if Dust was the one who started it."

Rin nodded and added, "Yeah, we shouldn't have been rude to you over something as petty as job descriptions. Don't judge a book by its cover, y'know? You sure proved to us that there's nothing wrong with sticking to the basic Adventurer class for a while till you find your true calling!"

Keith didn't contribute to the group apology at first. In fact, he made a considerable effort not to look me or any of his other teammates in the eye. Eventually, though, he settled on relaxing his arms over the back of his head like some cool dude in an anime or something before coming out with a surprise confession.

"I'm not gonna lie, I secretly resented you for not changing your class to something else sooner. Despite your…offbeat personality, I could see you as someone with a lot of untapped potential. From my point of view, you were just a guy throwing his life away in lieu of staying at home, tinkering with your 'bots' or whatever you call them. But after what happened today…you've earned my respect, man."

"Ooo~! Keith doesn't throw his respect around so often!" Rin teased as she poked the archer's side with her elbow. "You've just made a powerful ally today, Jack."

Taylor stepped behind them and rested his hands on their shoulders. "As with all of us. If you or your party ever needs help with anything, you can count on us. We'll always welcome you with open arms."

...

…wait, what?

I don't…I don't get it. Did I actually make honest-to-god friends? In an parallel universe no less? How come I could never do that in my own world before I turned evil? Kids wanted nothing to do with me at lunch or recess. Hell, the only time those brats ever socialized with me was when it involved mooching off of my hard work for group projects and - !

Of course. How could I have been so stupid? These guys want to use me. I'm just a tool to them. Like how I was a tool for Wuya, and Chase, and even Omi that bobble-headed little - !

"I-I…I…I need alone time!"

I took the coward's route and flew away, never looking back. When will I ever learn to always keep my guard up no matter what?

It was well into the evening by the time I arrived at the guild. The rest felt like a blur. I faintly recall Dust explaining how he and the girls encountered a Beginner's Bane and all three of them did something stupid – I dunno, I was feeling way too out of it to recall in perfect detail.

Dust went groveling back to his party (who I dared not glance back at) and Aqua started recounting their escapade together in whiny detail. I sorta blocked her and the rest of the outside world out. I felt safe and secure, but paradoxically confused and lost inside the confides of my racing mind for the following fortnight.

If I couldn't even bring myself to trust sane and rational adventurers...what the hell made me think I could ever bring myself to trust three insane chicks?

Chapter Text

Something's been eating away at Jack for the past two weeks now, and we were at a lost as to what to do.

While he denies the notion, frequently disregarding our concerns with an air of apathy, I knew him well enough at this point to know when he wasn't feeling well. For Eris's sake, the young man looked about ready to collapse any day now! This random spin on his behavior did not align with the otherwise zestful, goofy, even downright mean-spirited Spicer who desired nothing more than to be as unheroic as humanly possible.

Something serious was going on in his private life, and he was obviously not comfortable with sharing it. While a part of me feels shamefully aroused at the fact that he does not consider me worthy of his confidence, the majority of my senses were greatly alarmed by his depressing new attitude.

Supposedly, everything went downhill on the night Jack returned from his excursion with Dust's party. I was unconscious at the time as a delightfully vicious Beginner's Bane had gotten done thoroughly abusing me like a worn-out chew toy. Thankfully, Aqua and Megumin filled me in on most of the details.

Firstly, they noted how he had entered the guild alone, without the company of Dust's companions. Even when they eventually made their return and reunited with their original teammate, Jack didn't acknowledge them in any way.

Secondly, Aqua complained about him zoning out during her recap of our misadventure with Dust. Megumin in particular was keen enough to observe his body language when that happened:

"Yeah, and the whole time she was talking, he just kept nodding his head and muttering 'uh-huh' even when she wasn't done explaining something. It was kinda unnerving."

Finally, on the morning after, he didn't make himself present at our meetup spot. Megumin and I visited the stable he and Aqua were staying at and found both of them sleeping the afternoon away. I wasn't terribly surprised to see Aqua oversleeping as she had been off on another one of her long benders the night prior. However, it was quite unusual for Jack to sleep in this late. Even with his atrocious sleep schedule in mind, he's usually up to some degree by now. Very troubling...

When we questioned Taylor about what happened during the goblin quest, he knew about as much as we did. The mission had a few hiccups along the way, but Jack managed to prove himself throughout. Once the goblins were thoroughly slain, they congratulated him for his efforts and that's when he suddenly flew away without warning. Nothing about this added up in the slightest.

After failing to seek answers from Taylor's party, we turned to the next best group of people we could ask. Or rather the next best group of cognitive golems.

Unfortunately, the JackBots didn't prove to be very cooperative for reasons they declared as "classified" in nature. I remember having to physically restrain Megumin and cover her mouth before she could cast Explosion on them in frustration. The only bit of information the metallic constructs were willing to disclose was that they were carefully monitoring Jack day and night in accordance with their "protocols", whatever that meant. They refused to elaborate any further on the subject.

In the end, our investigations turned up cold. So much for gaining a level of insight on the situation…

In other pressing matters, new quests were being delayed by the Official Quest Committee as of late. Given the harsh conditions of the encroaching winter season, the only available kill quests at the moment were high in risk. And since all the adventurers who participated in the battle against Beldia were more than compensated, they were content with simply waiting out the cold until early spring.

But that shouldn't deter our party! We've been shirking our duties for far too long now. All of us need to get active again and I need to experience the thrill of being brutally maimed once more! I voiced these opinions to my friends today at our table.

"That's not a bad idea, Darkness!" cheered the ecstatic little Megumin. "No one wants to accept any kill quests for winter monsters, so now's the perfect time to strike! More experience points for us!"

"Exactly!" I stressed in excitement. "It's like I always say: the stronger the monster, the better!"

"Eh, I guess it could be fun," Aqua concurred. "It definitely beats selling lettuce at my day job. So what if nobody wants to buy rotten produce in the middle of the coldest winter? It comes with a free doll I painstakingly crafted out of milk cartons! That mean old manager will never understand us struggling artists! You know what, you've convinced me, let's go take out my aggression on some ugly baddies!"

"…It's too cold out…"

Quietly, we all turned to the source of that meek objection and to the one person who had been occupying the back of our minds for more than we'd like.

He looked awful, just awful. His hair was matted and unkempt, a clear sign that he didn't have it in him to style it up like before. The leather coat that tightly hugged his body had various food stains caked irregularly, and it was likely the only thing holding back most of the body odor that had accumulated from a lack of proper hygiene. Long gone were the goggles and fingerless gloves he would ritually wear every day, only now to be replaced by a forlorn sense of defeat.

All in all, Jack was hard to look at. It hurts to see him in such a miserable state, and not in the good way.

"I mean, we have to get back to adventuring at some point, Jack…" Megumin argued, although it came out more like a pitiful suggestion rather than an outright demand. The poor thing had to be the most troubled out of us all when Jack began falling into a slump. She was likely doing her best to restrain herself from breaking down on the spot.

Aqua, however, was reaching her limit with the boy. "That's it – I've had it up to here with your excuses! Every day, it's a new reason for why we can't go out on a quest or go out to do anything! It was relaxing at first, but now I'm getting bored! So lighten up already!"

Jack raised his head out of his arms to look at Aqua. Even his eyeliner was no longer being applied. While I've never heard of men using makeup outside of a theatre production, it was still a foreboding reminder that he was not acting himself.

"Can't we just…y'know…do it when winter blows over?" He all but whimpered. "Please…?"

Aqua groaned in aggravation. "What is your problem!? Ever since you chickened out on Taylor, you've been acting like a sad orphan for no reason! We're a team, we shouldn't be keeping secrets from one another. Did you learn nothing from that talk we had about trust a while back? Answer me, darn it!"

Jack never answered back. The normally chatty young man simply rested his cheek in his arms, which faced him out towards the crowd and away from us. He just let the conversation die off...

Megumin tried to get him engaged yet again by saying, "Uh, hey, Jacko! Whaddya say we get away from it all and travel to unconquered lands so we can claim them for your federation? Doesn't that sound like good, evil fun?"

What a brilliant young lady, playing into his interests! I decided to assist her by building upon her suggestion.

"Why, yes, that does sound like the perfect pick-me-up for an aspiring villain! Just think of all the evil activities that could be accomplished: ransacking villages, impeding heroic adventurers, using me as your own personal meat shield! Oh, the possibilities are truly ENDLESS~!"

After taking a very brief intermission to revel in my painful daydream, I leaned over slightly to catch a glimpse of any reaction at all on Jack's face…

His face was scrunched up in displeasure and what looked to be bitterness. He also looked to be on the verge of crying.

Shit, we only made the situation worse. No reaction at all would've been more preferable! But why did coaxing him with talks of immorality only serve to exacerbate his condition? Doesn't the young man dream of world domination, even if it was the byproduct of a delusional mindset?

Aqua let out a small sigh and stood up. She elegantly strode around the table, her boots clicking with a stride befitting a regal noble and aligned herself in Jack's field of vision. She gently closed her eyes, slowly breathed in, breathed out, and glanced down at Jack with a soft gaze that only a goddess like her could pull off.

"Spicer-san, as your caring and benevolent goddess, I will broker a deal with you. If you agree to attend a quest with us today, not only will you be allowed to pick one of your own choosing, but we will allow you to keep 25% of the earnings we make. And, just as a little incentive, I will spoil you with the most relaxing treatment I can possibly think of: giving me a foot massage. I take you as a cultured young man who partakes in his foot fetishes. So what do you say? I don't go around giving away these kinds of offers to just anyone, you know."

Megumin and I awaited with bated breath.

…

Jack stood up. His movements were sluggish and he was slouching more than usual, but at least he was getting up. "Whatever. Let's just get this over with...but I'll pass on the foot thing."

Aqua hopped with a victorious cheer, though her miniskirt was threatening to expose herself when she did. Does that girl not wear panties in public? Perhaps I should consider doing the same in case of another wardrobe malfunction…

Megumin looked relieved to hear Jack agree despite Aqua's questionable negotiation skills. Had he been his usual self, I imagine he would have argued vehemently with the demigoddess. Oh how I miss that aggressive side to him, it made me want to fantasize about being the main outlet for his rage~

A-Anyway! With the full party in agreement, we made our way over to the deserted quest board to allow Spicer to pick out whatever quest he wanted. As expected, the majority of posts explicitly requested for expert adventurers. A bit silly if you ask me considering that Axel was a city for novices. No wonder most adventurers have steered clear of the board this winter.

However, we are not most adventurers! We are proud and noble warriors!

After lazily eyeing the posters for quite some time, Jack weakly jabbed his finger at one in particular and mumbled to himself, "The heck is a Destroyer…?"

In my head, I read the flyer that apparently had him confused:

The Mobile Fortress, "Destroyer", is on the prowl. Scouts needed to predict its next course.

Ah, the Destroyer. I suppose I shouldn't fault him for his lack of knowledge on that disastrous, renegade contraption; the boy is from a completely different world from ours. Before I could explain to him what it was, however, Megumin took the liberty of elaborating for me.

"The Destroyer is this big walking fortress that shambles across the lands, leaving nothing alive in its wake! Not even the grass!" The Crimson Demon explained whilst pretending to take heavy steps in order to better emphasize her point. "It's also weirdly popular with children for some reason."

With an underwhelming shrug, Jack continued to study the board until one quest in particular seemed to catch his attention.

"A Snow Sprite kill quest?" He turned to us and asked, "Anyone know what Snow Sprites are? They don't sound intimidating from the name alone, and it's 100,000 eris for each one killed."

I would've been more than happy to divulge all that I knew about Snow Sprites, but Aqua beat me to it. Unceremoniously shafted to the side yet again~!

"They're basically these little puffballs with eyes that appear in snowy areas during the winter. There's a myth that for every Snow Sprite you kill, spring comes half a day sooner."

For the first time in what felt like forever, Jack's expression shifted into something that was neither somber nor indifferent. He still didn't look particularly happy, but I could detect a lively spark of hope flash in his crimson eyes for just a second.

"Really…?" he asked.

"So I've heard," Aqua answered pointedly. "Why? You interested in that one?"

Jack gazed back at the poster and then to Aqua again. A moment of hesitation overcame him but, eventually, he nodded.

Aqua pumped her fist in the air. "Great! This'll be the perfect time to bust out my new, shiny winter coat! I'm off to go get it, see ya!"

Our energetic Archpriest cheerfully bounced away, leaving us all behind. I must say, when Aqua's not crying or being difficult, her optimism was quite infectious!

Megumin said aloud, "I hope I remembered to pack my winter gear before leaving the village…Lemme go check my campsite for it real quick."

And just like that, the Archwizard was off to find her warm clothes in the tent she'd pitched for herself outside the walls of Axel. It was just me and Jack now. Though, speaking of him, he hung his head and stared silently at the ground the moment we were left alone.

That's it, I have got to say something to this boy. I stepped forward and gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder before trying coax him out of his shell yet again.

"Jack? Is there anything you want to talk about? Whatever it is, it can just be between you and me. Crusader's honor."

He didn't move or make any indication that he was listening. Figures. If the last fifty times didn't get him to open up to us, what made me think the fifty-first time would be the charm?

"Well, are you sure you're well enough to take on this quest with us? I won't hold it against you if you aren't."

More silence.

"Jack, answer me. I need to know if you are fit for the task at hand. This is important."

He flinched at the firm tone in my voice. I had to show a little sternness with him, he shouldn't be taking his health so lightly.

Thankfully, that did make him nod and answer, "Y-Yeah, yeah, I'm…I can bring my robots to help. I can…I can do this…"

I didn't have the heart to tell about the likelihood of the Winter Shogun making an appearance. It's the first time in weeks he's been willing to give adventuring another shot, I couldn't bear to risk discouraging him now. But if that frozen warrior does decide to show up, I'll have to fulfill my duty as a Crusader and protect him alongside the rest of my companions.

O' Lady Eris, lend me thy strength...

The moment the cold air hit my face was the moment I knew I was going to regret taking this mission. Even if I weren't feeling like shit right now, I wouldn't be enjoying myself out here. Winter's the worst of the four seasons, and I always get moody around this time of year. I should've sent Sigma Squad out to do the quest and leave it at that, but no. My so-called "teammates" just had to push me to go along with them.

I grumbled to myself as quietly as I could while we all trudged through the thick snow. The weather diviner called for grainy overcast because that's just par for the course with my luck; gotta have nature reflect my current mood. We were dressed accordingly, except for Darkness who choose to dress light because that's how she rolls I guess. At least one of us was enjoying the crappy weather.

Following the directions given to us by Luna, we made it to the clearing in the evergreens with a large frozen pound off to the side. Snowfield Forest they called it. Lazy name if you ask me, not to mention dumb. What happens on literally any other season when it's not snowing? Whatever, from the overabundance of Snow Sprites idly floating by, this was one of the only known hot spots where the little guys could be found.

Aqua was right: they really were just white puffballs with eyes.

Personally, I couldn't stand to see anything happy while I'm miserable. Let's make sure every last one of these mocking little bastards are dead so I can go home and find temporary peace in my sleep. But knowing me, I'll probably have to cry myself to sleep in order to knock myself out from sheer exhaustion. Hooray...

I sighed and tried my best to raise my voice so the girls and JackBots could hear me through the obnoxious mewls the Snow Sprites were making. "Alright, here's the plan: Megumin will start things off by exploding as many Snow Sprites as she can. After that, Attack Sigma Squad can mop up whatever's left. As for the rest of you, uh...you can kill some too if you want, I don't really care. Um…yeah, that's pretty much it…"

Aqua then raised her hand like she was in school. "I have a question."

"Ugh, what is it?"

"Can we leave a handful of these cuties alive?"

I did a double take. "What? Why?"

Aqua proceeded to open a small crate hooked around her waist. Inside were empty glass bottles all neatly lined up. "I had this really neat idea I came up with as I was grabbing my coat! I thought to catch some Snow Sprites and put 'em in these little bottles to make ice for whenever we pack drinks on a trip. That way, when summer rolls around, we can all have refreshing, ice-cold beverages to cool down with on a really hot day! Aren't I clever or what?"

If I wasn't already so pissed at her for trying to lure me into a false sense of security, I might've been inclined to agree. But as it stands now, I wanted nothing to do with her or the others. It was only a matter of time before they decided to ditch me anyway. In fact, I'm seriously considering ditching them first so they can't get the chance make a fool out of me. And lord knows I'm already the butt of everyone's jokes as is.

"Um, Jack? Are you…are you still with us?"

Huh? Was that Megumin?

I blinked and I saw the kid take a step forward, staff clutched tightly in her mitten hands. She mumbled, "Look, you're really making me worried about you right now. You sure you wanna do this? If you want, you can go back home and take a nap; we can handle ourselves out here. I'd rather you'd be in bed and happy than in the snow and miserable..."

Oh - cut it with the cutesy crap, ya little faker! The old gullible Jack is gone, this is the new Jack. One who isn't going to let himself become vulnerable in front of you.

"…just cast your boom magic, alright? Think you can handle that?"

Megumin gave a tight frown and bit her lip, but eventually nodded before moving herself into position. Almost had me fooled for a second there, she genuinely looked like she was upset. Way to save the real acting chops for trying to make me look like a needy dope in front of you. Asshole...

I sighed, "I'm gonna go sit down for a while."

Nobody objected as I waddled over to the edge of the frozen pound in my dumb, oversized Alaskan snowshoes. Ten seconds after plopping myself down in the snow, Megumin's Explosion Magic went off. The boom was ear-bleedingly loud, the shockwave unbearable, and I got thrown face-first into the hard ice as a result. The impact hurt like hell and I think I broke my nose as a result.

Despite feeling uncomfortable, I felt a strange sense of déjà vu right then and there. My face merging itself into the ground dug up similar memories of me faceplanting onto my desk during some especially tough times. All I could do was stare blankly at the surface and question myself further. Like, "What the hell am I doing?", and "Should I just give up?" among others.

Y'know...I could always abandon the girls right now. I mean, it really wouldn't be that hard. Wait for them to kill all the Snow Sprites, then quickly fly back to town with the bots to cash the quest in and skip town before they could make it back. A-After that, I'll be free from having to risk exposing my vulnerable side to anybody else ever again. It'll just be me and my robot army against the world, like it's always been.

Yeah…yeah, that could -

"Meep!"

I begrudgingly lifted my face off the cold, hard ground to be met with two beady eyes. The Snow Sprite hovered in front of me with the curiosity of a house cat.

Without thinking (what a shock), I tried to smack it down to the ground to get it to stop looking at me. I failed, of course, and the damn thing floated away as fast as it could, likely scared out of its wits.

Call it an instance of petty rage, but I wasn't going to let a smug cotton ball get away after seeing me at my lowest point.

I pulled myself up and quickly unsheathed my short sword with newfound energy. Using this momentary spike in adrenaline, I chased after the Snow Sprite as it constantly squeaked in what I hoped was terror once it realized it was being hunted. The thought of which actually made me feel a tiny bit better, even if it only lasted for a short while.

I ended up chasing the Snow Sprite to the very edge of the pond, but before it could make a break for it in the woods, I cut it cleanly down the middle with one downward slice. The blade went through the wimpy creature like a hot knife through butter, and I was rewarded with the stupid thing vanishing into thin air. Once the deed was done, I got hit with a wave of lethargy so intense, it actually made me fall to my hands and knees. At least the snow was there to break my fall this time around.

What was wrong with me? I've been nothing but tired, angry, and apparently fucking bloodthirsty these past two weeks. It had to have been the weather making me gray and miserable lately, right? It has to be…

"Woah-ho-hooo! Okay, Jack, I see you over there with your fancy skating moves! Who knew you of all people could make a perfect figure-eight like that? And with those bulky tennis rackets on your feet no less?"

For a second there, I didn't notice the girls were trying to pointlessly make conversation with me again. It would seem Aqua was using the subject of my figure-skating as a springboard. I hadn't even realized I was doing anything super fancy while chasing that damn Snow Sprite across the ice. Stranger still, they didn't seem nearly as concerned about me now as they were prior to the mission. Guess they mistook my moment of internal dread as simply being winded from the exercise.

"Jack truly is a man full of surprises," Darkness commented, hoisting a paralyzed Megumin. "It's yet another trait of his that makes him unique from the mundane slew of today's adventurers."

"Yeah, what she said!" added the immobilized mage on her back.

All three girls, grinning ear to ear, randomly blurting out encouraging comments for something insignificant in the grand scheme of things? Yeah, no, I'm not putting up with the pity praise any longer. At this point, I'd rather they be honest and insult me upfront instead of hiding behind fake smiles in a ploy to lower my guard.

"…ack.."

I knew getting too close to these people was a mistake. I should've ditched the blue bitch from the start and live out the rest of my life as my own man.

"J….K..!"

Did I learn nothing from my epiphany in Hong Kong? I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again and here I am doing exactly that! Man, fuck humans: robots are all I ever need! Why do I always open myself up to random people I don't know? The only road that ever leads down to is Betrayal Highway, shortly followed by Rejection Street and Pain Avenue -

"JACK!"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU – !?"

Darkness cut me off from what was going to be a vulgar remark by roughly shoving me behind her back with her blade drawn. When I glanced back at the spot she was previously standing in, the only people left there where Aqua and Megumin, both of whom were kneeling on each other. How the hell did that woman traverse through 9-inch snow so quickly like that?

Well, the answer to my question was the least of my worries as a blizzard appeared without warning.

"He's here!" I heard Darkness shout over the sound of frigid winds. When the blizzard eventually passed away, everybody, including the bots, stopped to gawk at our new visitor: a large, bulky man made entirely out of ice and garbed in traditional samurai armor (also made of ice). As a white furry cape fluttered behind him, crystal blue eyes lit up from underneath his helmet and he let out a noise that sounded like a mix between a low groan and a hiss.

What is it with giant frozen monsters barging into my life!? First an evil yodeling snowman, now an ice samurai!? "Most wonderful time of the year" my ass!

"Jack!"

I whipped my head back around to address the main source of all my problems post Hong Kong. "What, Aqua, WHAT!? I think the ice guy is more important than you right now!"

She gave me another one of her fugly glares before randomly asking, "You used to live in Japan, right?"

Was she seriously trying to get to know me now of all times!?

"What? No, I lived in America then moved to China; I've only ever visited Japan once. Why are you asking me this?"

Aqua scrunched her face (almost like she wasn't expecting that kind of answer) but continued regardless. "Really? I could've sworn the paperwork said…Never mind – in Japan, there's a name and face that's often brought up in the news and weather forecasts: the Winter Shogun, embodiment of winter itself. Snow Sprites pick up on the subconscious thoughts of people they encounter, and since locals don't typically go out adventuring this time of year, this is likely the work of a Japanese cheat-user I've reincarnated."

"You've gotta be shitting me!" I cried in a mix of frustration and disbelief. "Do you have any idea who's responsible?"

"Of course not! I've reincarnated thousands of Asian people. It's not like I keep track of everything they do after I send them to this world."

Great, just fantastic! Because some chump from Japan associated winter with a big scary monster, that's what we've got to deal with here! Why couldn't they have associated winter with something friendly like Santa Claus? He's only the most marketable face this time of year!

Meanwhile, an easily horny Crusader was being backed up by Attack Squad Sigma, ready to attack when necessary.

"I can't believe it…The Winter Shogun," Darkness sighed, her steamy hot breath easy to see in the cold air. "The only sapient monster to have a spot on Belzerg's Most Wanted! Oh, there's no doubt this beast will use his position as a military dictator to shame me like a subordinate. I may be able to resist, but who knows for how long~?"

The JackBots beside her made whirring sounds to express audible concern. Whether it was from the provided description of the enemy or the perv's ill-timed "fantasies" was anybody's guess.

The Winter Shogun brandished a katana made of ice and, within a nanosecond, appeared right in front of Darkness. With speed that made Beldia seem like a turtle in retrospect, he neatly sliced the blade of her weapon off its hilt, making it land in the snow with a soft thud.

Yeah, there was no way in hell the bots could react to that in time, even with their advanced targeting systems.

The Winter Shogun exhaled a gust of frosty wind from its mouth. A warning sign for us to back off, maybe? I glanced back at Aqua, silently pleading her to do something. My JackBots wouldn't be able to help me out now, not while they're busy rebooting from processing the enemy's insane speed.

I also noticed that Megumin was clever enough to play dead when the situation started to look grim. If only I were so lucky and had stayed dead the first time. Then I wouldn't be up shit's creek without a paddle.

"The Winter Shogun is the master of Snow Sprites; it's his duty to protect them!" Aqua explained as she pulled out a jar containing half a dozen Snow Sprites she caught. "But he's also not unreasonable! If we release his kin and apologize for our transgressions, he might be merciful enough to overlook this."

Aqua unscrewed the lid and the sickeningly cheery balls of living snow floated away into the sky, warbling all the way. The Winter Shogun looked up at the Snow Sprites and his eyes shined in what I can only imagine was curiosity.

That's when the stuck-up bitch of a goddess who held herself in the highest regards did something I never thought imaginable: she actually bowed down and apologized. What was the world coming to?

"Jack, what are you doing just standing there?" I heard Aqua frantically whisper-yell. "Prostrate yourself so we can be forgiven!"

Sorry, but this was all too much for me to take in one sitting. I needed a moment to lie down and re-evaluate my beliefs in science. Aqua actually APOLOGIZED!

"You too, Darkness! You have to prostrate yourself before the shogun, too! It's the only way!"

My eyes lazily directed themselves back to the girl standing so defiantly in front of me. "I'm sorry, Aqua," she started. "But I cannot allow myself to bow before a monster, even if there is no one around to witness. It goes against everything I was taught about being a Crusader…"

I put two and two together and forcibly shoved the stubborn lady's face into the ground in a desperate attempt to make her bow in submission.

"Think about saving my own skin already!" I shouted. "Now is not the time to be prideful, now is the time to be cowardly!"

"G-Get your hands off of me! You're shoving my face into the cold snow!" Darkness complained, before slipping into another one of her masochist episodes. "Ahhh~ Y-Your grip is surprisingly strong. A-And the ground is so cold; so cold that it burns my cheek. Ahhh, what a great reward~"

Don't even think about it, Jack, now was not the time for horny thoughts. Think about dead puppies instead…No, wait - that just makes me more upset than I already am!

Suddenly, Aqua screamed something either in Chinese or Japanese before switching it in the language Belzerg uses. "Jack, your sword, PUT IT DOWN!"

My sword...? Oh crap, that's right. In all the excitement, I forgot to lower my weapon...and now there's an icy blade with my name on it.

Now, I may not work well under pressure, but I'm also no stranger in these do-or-die type situations. Which is why the best (and only) course of action was to try and block the incoming attack. To my surprise, it kinda worked! Despite the Winter Shogun's insane speed, I was just quick enough to preemptively deflect his slash attack with my short sword. Of course, that meant my own blade met the same fate as Dark's. So, in the end, all I did was prolong the inevitable.

That's when I heard a chilling howl, followed by a pain that could best described as getting socked in the stomach by the Fist of Tebigong. I felt a rush of air swim past me along with a sharp spike in pain before everything finally went black.

The first thing I did was jolt straight up and scream bloody murder. But, in my pitiful defense to preserve whatever scrap of dignity I had left, I did just immediately jump back into consciousness after…however long I was out for.

Once I recovered from my mini-panic attack, I noticed I was back in a familiar black realm with a light mist covering a tiled floor.

"The Ying-Yang World…?"

No, scratch that, there weren't any floating Chinese characters. I was back in that purgatory-like place where I met Aqua after I died on Earth. And ahead of me sat a startled-looking purple nun. Great, as if I weren't already in the red for masculinity points.

Anyway, she radiated that same divine aura that Aqua initially had, further supporting my suspicion that this was the same purgatory as before. Once the initial shock wore off, the heavenly women spoke in a voice as smooth as honey.

"Greetings, Jack Spicer. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance...even if the situation is a little awkward."

Something about this chick was familiar. It was on the tip of my tongue...

"Eris, right?" I asked, taking the gamble on assuming. "The goddess they named the Fantasy World's money after?"

She sheepishly scratched her cheek and smiled bashfully before answering. "Yes, that would be me. Though I do wish they didn't sensationalize my name like that. It's a bit excessive if you ask me."

Don't know what's excessive about having a unit of currency named after you. Heck, that's something I should do for when I take over the planet. Already making a mental note for later.

I took a moment to survey my surroundings a second time over, and that's when the severity of the situation kicked in for me. "Wait a sec…if I'm here talking to you, does that mean I…?"

I trailed off, partially to let Eris finish for me and partially because I didn't want to admit it myself. Surprisingly, however, the goddess waved her hands in a panic and corrected my assumption.

"Oh, no-no-no – you are terribly mistaken! You haven't passed away! At least…not officially."

I raised an eyebrow. "Define 'not officially'."

"It's a rather complicated affair," Eris sighed tiredly. "You see, your mortal body has suffered a great deal of physical trauma. So much so that your soul, to put simply, is threatening to depart with it. As we speak, upper management is going through the paperwork to figure out if it's severe enough to be warranted. If not, you will return to the living and with almost no recollection of our little meeting. The most you'll probably remember is seeing a light at the end of a tunnel for a brief period."

"Huh, had no idea Heaven had its form of bureaucracy to jump hoops through," I commented. 

Eris sighed again. "Yes, it is simply an inescapable facet of the cosmos. But it has to be done anyway. On the bright side, I'd say your chances of living are quite high! My senior is renowned for her healing powers, so she should have you back up and conscious in no time!"

Her senior? Oh, she must be talking about Aqua. I kinda forgot Eris was technically her junior. How that idiot managed to climb the corporate ladder, I'll never know. She must've had connections, that's the only way I can see that ever happening.

"I can sense you're not too thrilled to hear me mention Aqua," Eris decided to say at that very moment (am I really that easy to read?). "I've been peeking in from time to time, checking on your progress towards defeating the Devil King. You've certainly accomplished much in so little time since being reincarnated! But I couldn't help but notice your discomfort regarding the allies you've befriended. Do you wish to talk about it?"

I got real defensive. "Hey, what is this, an interrogation!?"

The Peeping Tom of a goddess frantically waved her hands in front of her as she defended herself. "N-Now, calm down, calm down! It isn't like that at all! Please, do understand, it was not my intention to make you feel uneasy, and I'm terribly sorry for making you think that. Sometimes getting stuff off your chest can be therapeutic. Since this is a safe place, I figured you'd want someone to lend an ear out, you know?"

"Yeah, well…that still doesn't excuse the spying on me part!" I pointedly said with a finger wag for good measure. "It was bad enough thinking a red, fat man was doing it while I sleep. I don't need you to fill that role for him."

Blushing, Eris bowed her head to me. "You're right, I'm sorry. I promise I didn't see anything indecent."

Seeing a mature lady like her becoming deeply ashamed and apologizing did kinda help tone down the overwhelming pressure. Maybe it is okay for me to relax -

I'M MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN! When am I gonna learn already!?

"Well, either way, I don't have to tell you a thing! If you're anything like that moronic, blue-haired manager of yours, you'll probably use whatever I say as leverage over me or something! My lips are sealed!"

Eris paused before she said, "Wait...do you not trust Aqua-sama?"

…I really am easy to read.

"Jack, please, I know it must be hard for you to accept this, but you can trust me," the goddess insisted. "If I were to hold whatever you say in confidence against you, I would be no better than all those pitiful, disgusting lifeforms that call themselves undead. Besides, you won't even remember our little meeting here after you return to the living. So please...let me be your shoulder to cry on. I insist."

Uuuhhh...Okaaay. I guess we're gonna pretend that hateful aside regarding the undead never happened and move on. Although, there's a good chance that voice is going to make a comeback in my nightmares somewhere.

Anyway, as much as I hate to admit it, Eris made a valid point. It's not like I'll remember any of this, so why not vent about my problems to something other than a machine for once? Besides, what's a goddess like her really going to do with this information? Even if there was something, she has the ability to extract it by spying on me; there's no sense in withholding it from her. Might as well go for it.

I sighed and, against my better judgement, spoke what was on my mind.

"Alright, fine. Where do I begin...? Oh, I know: me being born a freaky albino with rich snobs for parents who aren't observant enough to spend time with their kid. Then I die before I even hit eighteen and arrive to a video game fantasy world. I went into this expecting fun adventures like it was Dragon Hunter or Monster Quest. Instead I get stuck with indentured servitude, crippling debt, an unbalanced magic system, and a dysfunctional party of crazy chicks. GAH – don't even get me started on them!"

Too late, I already got started. The bottle was opening up big time now, no sense in trying to screw the lid back on.

I proceeded to lift a finger for each mention of a teammate.

"First, there's that useless blue goddess who prattles on and on about how 'powerful' she is but doesn't have the brains to back up her mouth. Then I get paired up with a little wizard girl who thinks she's the Second Coming of Christ or whatever and can only use one spell before being rendered immobile. Oh, and let's not forget about the weirdo Crusader who's got the accuracy of a Stormtrooper and the libido of a rabbit. And this is coming from a teenaged boy! I thought I could get horny, but that woman takes it to a whole 'nother level!"

Even though I technically wasn't breathing in this limbo state, I instinctively took a breath before ranting any further.

"On top of it all, I've had way too many 'partners' in my previous life who were quick to betray me at the drop of a hat! Granted, I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, but I'm also a part of that crowd, so what can you do? Regardless, I thought I'd always share a certain villainous comradery with all my other teams back then. Time sure had a harsh way of proving me wrong! So excuse me if I don't exactly trust my newest party of obnoxious misfits!"

Eris merely gazed at me with a crestfallen face. That's when I felt something wet trickle down from below my lower eyelid. I wiped it with my finger only to discover more tears pooling out of my eyes. How annoying.

"Aw, god damn it, why am I like this…?"

As I tried my hardest to push back the floodgates, there was a sudden moment of calm within my mind. Even though my knuckles were whitening and my eyes were burning, I felt this pacifying presence right in front of me along with delicate hands securing my temples. They were warm, like clothes fresh out of the dryer.

"There, there," Eris hushed. "Quell those negative thoughts, lest they forever imprison you. It brings me great pain to see young souls become tormented by their own minds. You're not the first, and you will certainly not be the last. But I can assure you that your new friends are nothing like those fake ones you've had a falling out with."

Eris removed her hands from my temples and stepped back as she explained, "I know Lady Aqua can be rather troublesome around others – doubly so for me – but she ultimately means well. She'll forgive and accept just about anyone in spite of their past mistakes or imperfections. The little Crimson Demon, Megumin, has faced great difficulty fitting into a party before she found you. She is graciously indebted to you for that, you know. As for Darkness…well…"

Glancing from side to side in a sneaky manner, Eris motioned with her finger for me to lean in closer, which I did out of morbid curiosity. Once I was within listening range, she dropped an unexpected truth bomb on me.

"Did you know she was once an incredibly sad and lonely lady?"

That called for a double take. Given her kink for pain and humiliation, I found that bit of insider knowledge hard to believe. If anything, she'd probably get a kick out of being left alone and ignored.

"Okay, now I know you're yanking my chain," I declared with narrowed eyes.

Eris shook her head. "I made an oath before the Council of Heaven never to tell lies to my clients. So when I say Darkness was once lonely in her life, I mean it. Every day she would visit one of my churches and pray to me for a friend. So, I created a human alter ego to conceal my divine aura and became her first real friend! Then I introduced her to you and your party. The rest, as they say, is history."

Wait a minute, something about Eris's story didn't add up. If what she said was to be believed, then how could she have been the one to introduce me to Darkness when this was the first time we've officially met. Unless Eris was actually…

"…Chris?"

She winked playfully.

"…So that time I scared Chris out of her money by threatening to drop her in the air…that was you?"

She nodded, a smirk beginning to form on her face.

"…I'm going to Hell, aren't I?"

I almost fell out of my seat when she abruptly started laughing. The goddess/Thief was holding onto her sides like her life depended on it as she couldn't control herself. I think I even heard a snort or two in there.

Eventually, she managed to subdue her laughter to just a few giggles before speaking again. "No, honey, I wouldn't dare be so petty. Everyone does stupid things, including me. But I had to play the part of a charming Thief at the time, so can you really blame me~?"

Wow, who knew a goddess as formal as her would have a cheeky side. That's kinda neat, actually. And cute.

Eris switched back over to her more professional personality and put her hand on my shoulder. "Spicer-san, even though you won't remember our discussion, while you're here with me, please tear down the walls you've built around yourself. You're in a safe support group now. They care for you, and they're not going to betray you. I promise…"

There was still so much on my mind, I couldn't get the words out straight. Confusion and denial composed the majority of my thoughts as I wanted to get them out, but my time was up. Before I knew it, I was being lifted into the air accompanied by magic sparkles as a portal opened up above me.

"Ah, it seems your soul's request for early leave has been denied," Eris commented idly. "No doubt Aqua-sama's healing abilities had something to do with that. Take care, young one! Learn to open yourself up to others more!"

"No, wait, put me back!" I demanded. "I'm not done here! I still have so much I wanna say!"

A bright light began to envelop me, and Eris's tender smile was the last thing I was going to see or remember before going back against my will.

…I better not be going soft in this new world.

"Jack, please wake up! JACK!"

Megumin's cries ripped me out of my peaceful sleep and pulled me back into frozen reality. Oxygen immediately rushed back into my working lungs, nearly putting me into a coughing fit as I forgot the air was still frigid. I felt the back of my head rest on something soft and warm to balance out the ungodly temperature of 0 degrees Celsius.

Snapping my eyes wide open, I was met with the faces of Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness all gazing down at me in a tight circle.

"Oh good, you're finally awake," Aqua said, who I now realized was using her thighs as a pillow for my head. "Honestly, Eris and the others can be so uptight about the rules."

My newly breathing lungs were soon compromised as the Archwizard and Crusader latched onto my waist and hugged me like the world depended on it. Aqua's usual condescending face was gazing down on me – no doubt planning to use this moment as teasing material for later – and she patted my forehead as she spoke.

"Well, don't just lay there blushing, say something already~ I performed a small miracle, bringing you back to life and all. Don't you have anything to say in return? C'mon now, what do we say to the nice goddess~?"

"…I'm sorry..."

Aqua blinked. "W-Wait, wha?"

I broke down, I couldn't help it. That noxious black cloud I'd been keeping to myself for so long finally came out in full force. Everything became a messy blur; seconds dragged on for minutes and my rationale was disregarded altogether. I covered my face and repeatedly slurred the phrase "I'm sorry", my immediate defense mechanism for anything and everything. This went beyond humiliation for me, and I desperately wanted to shrink down into nothingness...

Which is why I was shocked when the girls suddenly sat me up and placed me in the middle of a group hug.

They quietly encouraged me to let it all out, so I did. I cried and cried until my tear ducts couldn't produce any more tears. When I was deprived the privilege of crying, I took to sniveling and whimpering like a baby. But instead of taking the opportunity to degrade me for it, the only thing they retaliated with was soft hushes and a tighter group hug.

Man...I did not realize just how badly I needed this until now.

Despite the emotional roller coaster seemingly lasting two lifetimes, it screeched to halt once I began showing signs of fatigue and exhaustion. As much as I wanted to continue on and not think about anything anymore, I knew my body was losing steam. I feebly controlled my breathing while meeting the gang's eyes halfway, too embarrassed to look at them face-to-face.

"There, there, Jack," Aqua soothed as she rubbed my head. "It's alright, we're not going anywhere."

I saw Megumin doing her best to rub away dried tear stains before nodding in agreement. "Y-Yeah, we're not leaving. We're like family, a-and family sticks together, even in the hardest of times!"

YesBot has said similar things like that to me too. But I think this was the first I was hearing it from an actual human being.

"Sorry I -"

Darkness cut me off, "And that's another thing: quit saying you're sorry. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. In fact, if there's anybody who should be apologizing, it's me. I knew beforehand the risks associated with Snow Sprite kill quests, yet I chose not to address it. And look where that almost got you…"

The look of utter despair on Dark's face almost mirrored my own. Now it felt like my chest got struck with a harpoon.

"Not anymore," the blonde knight muttered to herself. "Hence forth, I shall double my efforts to ensure my party's security. More weight training, more endurance tests, and more honesty amongst my friends!"

Megumin timidly asked, "So, Jack...Now that you've finally got all that out of your system, do you think you could tell us why you've been so depressed? You can tell us anything, we're here for you."

This was it...the moment I've been dreading. The girls waited for me to speak, and I knew I couldn't just brush them off like before. They weren't going to accept, "It's nothing" for an answer anymore. They wanted the truth.

W-Well...here goes nothing...

"Well, uh...I'm not exactly sure myself," I mumbled quietly. "If I had to make a guess, I'd say it was a bad case of the winter blues, y'know? I mean, winter is kind of a depressing time of year: crappy weather, cold temperature, too dark too early. It's not the first time it's happened to me. Drastic seasonal changes have been known to affect people's mood..."

It was a harmless half-truth, okay!? Winter always makes me feel like shit anyway, so it's not like I'm exactly lying! I may not be comfortable spilling my innermost thoughts, but at least now I'm somewhat filling them in on what's been going on. So take it or leave it, naysayers!

Thankfully, the girls were smart enough to agree with me and say how that made sense. That's one less weight off my shoulders.

Megumin snapped me out of my thoughts and asked, "So, how are you feeling right now? Any better?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I think so. I definitely feel a lot more level-headed than before," I answered honestly. "Although I can't recall much after I got…Wait, what happened to me again?"

"You got knocked out by the Winter Shogun, sir."

Looking past the girls huddled next to me, I finally took notice of one of my JackBot units: JB-B2U1532. "We rebooted in time to see you get punched into a tree. While your partners and I rushed to your aid, the rest of Attack Squad Sigma engaged with the enemy. They attempted to lure the monster far away into the woods with suppressive fire."

Bruiser opened up his claws to reveal a small pile of chips and loose motherboards. "They succeeded, but at a cost. I was able to salvage their emotion chips and a few other vital components. It may not be much, but I know you'll have an easier time rebuilding them with these still intact."

I was left speechless as Bruiser dumped the bits into my palms. Like, damn, I knew I made their chips sturdy and all, but they were still in pristine condition. It was already a miracle that they managed to survive the water damage from Aqua's flood when we fought Beldia, but this too? Usually I'd have to either repair them or throw them out by now. Could this have something to do with these chips being composed out of the metal of Cursed Sword Gram? I'd have to look further into this when I got home.

Speaking of which...

"H-Hey, guys?"

Aqua, Megumin, and Dark all turned to me curiously.

"Do you, uh, think we can call it a day and head back to town? I've had enough excitement for one day."

They all gave understanding smiles back my way.

In the end, we only made off with 800,000 eris for the Snow Sprite kill quest. Other than that one I sliced up, Megumin was the only one in our group who actually got any with her Explosion Magic, and even then she only managed to incinerate seven for some reason. Could've gotten a better deal, but I won't complain; at least we won't go hungry for a while.

And during that while, for some hazy reason I couldn't really explain, I actually felt pretty good about myself for once…

The evil kind of good, that is! Suck it, winter! Jack Spicer is back to his bad self again!

Chapter Text

"And after I called him out on it, the little runt decided that was worth debating me on! Out of all the other times he could've grown a backbone, too! Honestly, I will never understand that boy's unhealthy obsession with machines…"

Wuya was finally nearing the end of her miserable tirade. Up until now, my day had been relatively calm and peaceful in the absence of that witch: a balanced breakfast to start the morning, martial arts practice in the afternoon, and some light reading with a bowl of Lao Mang Lone Soup to pass the evening. All without the ringing shrills of the Heylin magic-user.

It was no secret she had snuck out of my lair last week to regain some sense of control; I have Wuya wrapped tightly around my finger, and she knows this uncomfortably well. However, I allowed it under the notion that she would be far too handicapped to be of any significant threat to my domain. When I revived her back into her physical body, I made sure to stunt her world-ending powers early on in the ritual. If I hadn't, she would be just as unstoppable as that damnable Hannibal Roy Bean (not to mention twice as annoying).

Besides, the moment I found out Wuya partnered with Spicer again, I anticipated her inevitable return. No one could stand being around him for very long.

However, much to my chagrin, I did not anticipate the exact time she would return. As such, what was supposed to be an hour long meditation before bed turned into an all-night endurance test of listening to the witch rant while restraining myself from strangling her. Right now, meditating was the only thing standing between Wuya and my impatient beast form.

Although I did take the time to listen carefully to her words (not that I had much of a choice). And in that time, I formulated all my thoughts and laid them out bare for Wuya. She held me verbally hostage, it was only fair that I returned the favor.

"If you are quite finished with your ramblings, I would say you yourself have an unhealthy obsession."

The witch groaned, "Oh goddammit, Chase – if this is about my thing for Shen Gong Wu again, I'll have you know-"

Having had enough of her words, I allowed myself a peek at Wuya with my reptilian eye, letting the prey know the apex predator was speaking now.

"That is not what I am referring to. I am referring to your disturbing fixation on that idiotic worm."

Naturally, Wuya was taken aback by the truth of my words; it was clear just how ill-equipped she was to face that accusation. Even so, in her arrogance, she tried to play dumb. "Who? Jack? Surely you don't mean Jack..."

I pressed the issue further. It was high time for the Heylin witch to come back to her senses already. "As a matter of fact, I do. Don't think I haven't noticed how much time you've spent with the insect, I have eyes and ears everywhere. Not only that, but you talk about him at great lengths, if your previous rant was anything to go by. Even if it's just to make a passing insult, you can't seem to go more than twenty-four hours without mentioning him in some capacity. Hell, you're beginning to chatter just as incessantly as the damn boy!"

Wuya predictably gawked and stuttered much in the same manner as Spicer himself. It's almost hard to believe this was the very same ungodly force who opposed Grand Master Dashi long ago.

"W-Well, I…I only partner with the twerp because he's the easiest to manipulate! You and I both know how gullible he is!"

"True. But that contradicts what you said earlier about him challenging your authority before you came crawling back here in defeat."

"…Honestly, I never expected you to fully listen to all my harping."

I sighed, rubbing my mildly aching temples. "Believe me, I wish that were the case..."

Before the red-haired sorceress could attempt to shift the topic of discussion, I cut her off with finality etched into my tone. "Regardless, that boy has made you soft, Wuya. You've grown sentimental over him and I will not allow this. Don't ever make contact with Spicer again unless it is under my orders."

Of course, as obstinate as ever, she resisted. "I am not some teenaged girl for you to ground, 'daddy'. If I want to visit Jack by my own volition, then I will!"

"But why?"

Wuya made a motion like she was going to snap back, but faltered. There was no chance for her to change the subject now. Time to weed out what I suspected to be the root of the problem.

"If you detest him like I do, then why are you so fascinated with him?" I pressed.

"…Don't do this to me, Young."

"Why do you insist on checking up on him every other week?"

"I no longer wish to talk about this."

"And why does it seem as though you can never take your mind off of him!?"

The Heylin witch's sickly green eyes glowed vehemently as small but potent dark voids of energy manifested in her palms. A far cry from the fullest extent of her powers, but still nothing to scoff at. However, it wasn't enough for me to feel threatened despite the clear intention behind it. Wuya wouldn't dare be foolish enough to attack another immortal in her current state, especially not within the bowels of his inner sanctum.

"Instead of making vague accusations, how about you just tell me exactly what you think any of this means? Before I make you…"

Then again, she does have her foolish moments. The insect's influence must be rubbing off on her. Might as well rip the bandage off now.

"Is it because he reminds you of Ju-Long?"

As someone who has walked this earth longer than he can remember, not much can get through to me these days. But even I admit to feeling a small chill run down my spine the moment that forbidden name slipped past my lips. Although my reaction paled in comparison to the woman standing before me. Long gone was the malice in Wuya's eyes, and the vile spells contained in her hands dissipated as soon as I mentioned his name to her. Her complexion turned pale while her mouth tried to form any kind of sound it could.

Eventually, she managed to spit out. "My…my b-baby boy...?"

I will have to tread lightly here. Saying the wrong thing now will trigger a violent reaction unlike any other. Hell hath no fury like an immortal, grieving mother.

"Wuya…It's been over fifteen-hundred years…"

The conflicted woman physically backed off, eyes glowing and hardening once more. Her ginger hair also had a mind of its own as its tendrils rose behind her head like the very real Medusa herself. "Spare me your pity, reptile! You sided with those same Xiaolin dogs who killed my flesh and blood! How I failed to vaporize you along with Guan and Dashi both eludes and haunts me still!"

I took a bold step forward. "I told you, I had nothing to do with the accident! Master Monk Guan and Grand Master Dashi never told me what happened on the day they went to visit your village."

"Oh, 'visit'? Is that how they phrased their attempted kidnapping?" Wuya mocked hatefully. "How cute. Those lying bastards tried to take my son away from me so they could indoctrinate him into the Xiaolin Temple!"

They what!?

I blinked in surprise at her incriminating words. The Xiaolin Order…the sect. I was once a proud member of…stooped as low as attempted kidnapping of Wuya's heir? That old village the witch conquered long ago may have been illegitimate, but its sole authority had been fair (if not cold) to her subjects and was amicable to the Xiaolin. So why would Guan and Dashi break the good relations built up with the pseudo-state over a radical decision? It doesn't make sense!

No, there is something being kept under wraps by the heads of Xiaolin. And I plan to get to the bottom of this.

Focus, Chase. Right now, you must attempt to console Wuya, as repulsive as that may sound. Granted, the both of us have lost touch with our humanity over the eons, but she won't serve me any good in this state. The least I can do is explain myself.

"Wuya, as…disturbing as this revelation is, I can assure you that I had no involvement in that tragedy. To confess, I was beginning to question the Xiaolin for quite some time, and being left in the dark about this only confirms my suspicions. Then that accursed bean approached me and…well, you know the rest."

The initial hostility present within the spell-caster seemed to die down slightly after that. She even managed to regain some of her former sardonic attitude with her following response.

"You mean how you were doped by an evil legume to become his apprentice only to later betray him once you figured it out? Yeah, you practically sing it in the shower at this point."

Mildly undignified though it might've been, her sarcastic remark did earn a chuckle out of me. "I suppose it would be in my best interest to let go of what's already been done..."

Realizing the embedded truth within my own words, I decided to apply the same sentiment to Wuya in the hopes of getting her to move on from her turbulent past. "And I believe you should as well."

Wuya was about to cut me off again, but I held up my hand as I continued, "That is not to say you should forget about Ju-Long entirely or pretend the incident never happened. Repressing those memories will only lead you down the path of self-destruction. All I ask is that you practice letting go of the pain and turmoil of that day so you can further better yourself in the future. We may live until Sol consumes this miserable rock, but I'd say it's about time we start living our unending lives to the fullest."

Confident of my speech's impact, I placed a hand on the sorceress's shoulder as a means of affirming my words. "And that shall begin with the fall of the Xiaolin Order as the forces of Heylin become the dominating superpower of the world!"

As I had calculated, my little pep talk had reached through to Wuya, and an internal crisis was swiftly averted. While I do stand by what I said to her, I never did it out of genuine care for the witch, but rather to reinforce her loyalty to me. I've about had it with her habitual conspiracy over those she allies herself with. This will be the first step in reconditioning her to put me before herself.

"Hmmm...Yes, well, I suppose a broken clock is right twice a day," Wuya lightly joked at my expense. I'd allow it for now. "It won't be easy, but, then again, when is losing your one and only son ever easy...?"

"So long as you keep him close in your sick and twisted heart, you'll always have him," I reassured. "No sense in forsaking your past, but if it only causes you strife, then it's best to move on rather than let it shackle you forever."

"Which in our case is quite literal."

"…Indeed."

For once, the universe offered us a blissful distraction from the omnipresent, existential awareness of our situation as a crow flew into my private chambers. However, this was no ordinary species of avian, for as soon as it landed, it shapeshifted into one of the many fallen warriors I have bested over the course of human history. He kneeled before addressing me.

"Mighty warlord, Chase Young, I bring to you an urgent report from the Xiaolin temple."

"What have you discovered, Alexander?"

The former king of Macedon was quite the interesting character. As fate would have it, he too was an immortal being, albeit born as one instead of cursed like Wuya and I. Unable to die, he used this to his advantage in his famous military campaign through Western Asia, earning him his "great" status among the human historians of today. However, he naturally grew bored of his easy victories, and combined with deteriorating internal affairs within his empire and the failed assassination attempts, he disappeared. It was only by sheer happenstance that I discovered him many years later as I roamed the countryside as a new immortal. He was tired, broken, and easily swayed to my side if it meant having a purpose again. 

How foolish of me to think I could ever be distracted from my own Hell...

"I was spying on the temple as you requested when I spotted one of the minions of Spicer approaching the entrance," Alexander reported with due diligence. 

"One of Jack's robots?" Wuya inquired.

"Quite. It resembled a man with shiny hair, golden like the sun, and it wore black clothing befitting of royalty."

Wuya and I looked to each blankly. "YesBot.."

Alexander faltered, "Err, yes, well, I overhead it conversing with the four Xiaolin Monks and their master. It informed them that its own master had been killed while saving a life. Jack Spicer is among the dead now."

All the color from Wuya's face drained in an instant. She had to sit down on the foot of my bed to prevent herself from stumbling backwards. I let it slide.

"So, natural selection has finally run its course then," I commented idly. "Anything else?"

"The monks' master announced that their training would be put off until further notice," Alexander relayed. "If I may add my own thoughts onto the matter, I would say he is giving his pupils time to grieve and mourn."

Satisfied with the report, I dismissed the fallen king as he morphed back into his original lion form and returned to rest with the other cats in my lair.

Glancing back at Wuya, I silently cursed to myself. As soon as I pull her out one slump, something else comes along to put her right back at square one. And it just so happens to involve the death of the boy she projects her son onto. Damn it all!

While I care not for Jack's short end, I must admit that the news of his passing did come off as somewhat of a surprise for me. Even so, the fact he died committing a heroic act doesn't shock me in the slightest. As much as the idiot liked to brag, he was never evil; he wouldn't know evil if it had enslaved his entire family and tortured him without reason. I am relieved to finally see the pest gone.

And yet…in a cruel twist of irony, I find myself envious of him. He was able to achieve the sweet freedom I and many other immortals crave. As his very essence departs from this plane of existence, I will remain stranded until the end of time.

As for his one-sided infatuation towards me...Even if I were to somehow find his repulsive advances inviting, it would never have worked out. The love shared between mortals and immortals is a romanticized impossibility. Only heartbreak awaits for the ones who cannot die…I should know.

Get it together, Young. There are more important things to focus on than gross hypotheticals with horny adolescents. There's still the matter of the Heylin witch sitting on my bed, holding back a torrent of emotions. I need to find a way to get her out of this depression and move on already.

"Prepare yourself. We are heading for the temple," I declared. "Our enemies are in a vulnerable state. It would be foolish to pass on this opportunity."

Wuya bolted straight up, "You CAN'T be serious! We're attacking NOW!?"

Before exiting my room to ready myself for combat, I left Wuya with only a question for her to ponder:

"What would Ju-Long want?"

Whether she comes or not is all dependent on her. Whatever she chooses, she will have to stand by it no matter what. And with that, I left her to her thoughts.

I was off to get some answers.

Chapter Text

Sheesh, who knew living in a high-fantasy, video game-y world could be so BORING!?

Actually, no, I've always had my doubts about living here for the rest of my life. I'm stuck on a backwater planet so far behind on technology, it would bore any modern day man to tears! The culprit behind this crime? A global foundation built upon magic instead of science. The few instances of local tech that have been invented are either brain-numbingly simplistic (like Axel's PA system) or powered entirely by the occult (which pretty much does all the work anyway). Otherwise, it's just the usual medieval grade "enhancements" like horse-drawn carriages and pulleys. No TV or internet to speak of.

I know I can use my multidimensional network router to access the internet and pirate virtually anything back home, but the download time takes triple the amount of time thanks to being in a parallel universe. Learned that the hard way when I went to transfer Attack Squad Sigma's memory files from my evil lair's computer. Same thing for trying to redownload any of my PC games. Although I think I should hold off on those until after my gaming setup gets expanded. I have seriously got to move out of those stables soon...

If I weren't so motivated to become this world's hottest new Devil Queen, I think I would've asked to be reborn back on Earth as a monkey or something. At least then I'd be an animal who knows how to stave off boredom in the wild.

Anyway, all of that is only part of the problem believe it or not. See, the whole "magical aesthetic" as Aqua calls it doesn't really do it for me. I've been jaded to it long before I spawned into this new world. Discovering magic on Earth was mind-blowing at first, but a few dozen rounds of getting my butt kicked over mystical knickknacks made it lose its charm quick. Not even having a 20 foot tall cyclops working for me was all it was cracked up to be.

So, with nothing else going on for me at the moment, I resigned to rebuilding the JackBots that got trashed by the Winter Shogun. After that, I went ahead and built some entirely new bots from scratch, to begin bolstering my evil army. I continued working until I couldn't use Sandbox Mode because my MP ran out and I had no potions left to spare. Since building robots was the only thing keeping me from going stir crazy, I decided to shell out my hard-earned eris and visit Wiz for a resupply.

Hopefully none of her mana potions have a weird defect too, like taking ten years off my lifespan.

What was supposed to be an uneventful walk in the cold turned into a tagalong misadventure with Aqua who insisted – nay, demanded – on coming with me. Something to do with making sure "no smelly Lich was doing anything unholy" or something. I dunno, she probably just had nothing better to do after getting laid off from her part-time job. Seems winter was an even bigger bitch than her.

After meandering through mostly empty streets, we finally made it to front entrance of the lich's shop. But before I had a chance to open the door, Aqua stopped me by grabbing onto my wrist so suddenly.

"And you're invading Jack's personal bubble, why?" I asked while staring at my partner intently. She should've known by now that I don't like being touched like that so suddenly.

"Let's get something straight first," She said pointedly. "Having to deal with Wiz is bad enough, so I don't want you acting up while we do business here. We go in, I have some tea, you get whatever you need, and then we leave. No causing any trouble, understand?"

I gawked at her, yanking my arm free while doing so. Was she really lecturing me on being well-behaved? That was wrong on so many levels, and not the good kind of wrong, either. Just...bad-wrong.

"Well ain't that the pot calling the kettle black! This is coming from the same person who was whining the other day about how they threw a tantrum over getting fired from their job. You have no say on how to act in public, wannabe goddess."

Said wannabe almost went ballistic on me as per usual. However, a smug smirk quickly formed on Aqua's face as she placed her hands squarely on her hips (a telltale sign that backsass was imminent).

"Says the fake edge lord who once cried in front of the bakery because the baker man stopped giving him free samples~"

My jaw hung loose despite myself. Since when did her smack talk improve like that? I had to make a sharp comeback and fast!

"Oh yeah!? W-Well…at least I'm not above sobbing in public! Unlike YOU! Besides, why call them 'free samples' if there's a limit to how many I can have?"

Aqua's smirk never faltered, nor did her stance. Once again, I was left feeling emasculated by someone more powerful than me. Not that I wasn't already used to it, but I was getting pretty damn sick of it.

The blue bimbo already stepped inside before I had another chance to retort, forcing me to catch up with her. Even though I was still upset from getting schooled by a stuck-up ditz, I felt immediate satisfaction getting out of the cold and coming into a warm building. There must've been some kind of heat magic going on inside to keep customers toasty during the winter. Admittedly a genius move on Wiz's part.

Speaking of Wiz, she was stationed behind the counter like always. She seemed to be in the middle of inspecting a bottle of god-knows-what before she noticed us. "Oh, hey you guys! Please come in, make yourselves at home!"

"Don't have to tell me twice," Aqua muttered while sitting down at the only table this shop could afford. "I'll have my usual. Make sure you wear mittens when serving it this time! I don't want your undead body temperature making my tea lukewarm again."

"Y-Yes, Lady Aqua! I'll get right on it!"

Just like that, Wiz was rushing into the backroom to brew some tea. Accompanied by a loud crash which made me jump. Other than that, though, this was usually how visits here were conducted.

After Wiz served Aqua her tea (wearing cute purple mittens no less), she was able to direct me to the shelves stocked with mana potions. The standard brand, of course. She did try to sell me on these "special" potions which could restore MP at the cost of Strength, Speed, and Dexterity, but I declined.

As I selfishly embraced my inner scalper and cleared out her entire stock of only decent items, Wiz said, "By the way, Jack, I know it's old news, but I recently heard about your exploit over Beldia. Did you really defeat him?"

I paused reaching for another bottle when she asked that. I mean…who was I to turn down bragging rights, right?

However, before I took my chance to gloat, Aqua went ahead and ruined it by remarking, "No he didn't, it was a team effort. Well, technically it was 90% me, but still."

"Nuh-uh! I was the one who delivered the finishing blow, remember? I tossed his head into your purification beam thing!"

Aqua doubled downed on her argument. "Yeah, my purification beam thing! So that means my magic got him in the end! Besides, anyone can toss a Dullahan's head; there's no skill in that."

"You kidding? No one can do a mad hook shot like I can!"

Aqua and I glared at each other silently, the tension running thick in the air between us.

Sensing that a domestic dispute was in the making, Wiz stepped in and cleared her throat. "In any case, I'm shocked you were able to beat Beldia at all. Even amongst the other generals, he was quite the swordsman. His skills with the blade were second only to the Winter Shogun himself."

Yeah, the JackBots can attest to that. At least when they were fighting Beldia, they didn't have to stop and reboot themselves to process how fast he was moving.

Aqua stopped slurping her tea obnoxiously to give Wiz a strange look. "Do all you undead have connections with each other or what? Because it sounds an awful lot like you knew him personally."

A gray tinged blush soon formed on the Lich's face before she gazed down at the floor in what looked like shame.

"Well…to tell you the truth…I'm one of the eight Devil King Generals maintaining the barrier to his castle…"

…

Aqua was getting ready for battle while I had my finger above the "CALL BOTS" button.

"No – WAIT! Please don't kill me!" screamed the general. "I can explain, really!"

"Then start talkin' before my JackBots go full SWAT team on your shop," I retorted without skipping a beat. Man, I've always wanted to make a cool threat and look badass while doing it!

Nodding her head like crazy, Wiz steadied her breathing before explaining. "You see, while I am technically aligned with the Devil King's Army, I'm really only a general in name. To be classified as a general, you must be strong enough to passively maintain the barrier protecting the Devil King's castle at all times. That's all I do: maintain the barrier and nothing else. Honest!"

Aqua, who still had murderous intent written all over her face, cracked her knuckles as she took a step towards Wiz. "So what you're saying is, you're what's stopping us from breaching the Devil King's castle right now, yeah?"

"Yes – I MEAN NO! I mean…it's not that simple," Wiz relented, wringing her hands nervously. "You see, even if you do decide to kill me, you still wouldn't be able to get past the barrier with all the other generals active."

"Who else is there?" I asked.

The Lich looked up at the ceiling as she stuck out a finger for each and every general she named. "Let's see…You've already defeated Beldia the Dullahan. That leaves Vanir the Archdemon, Hans the Deadly Poison Slime, Sylvia the Growth Chimera, Wolbach the Dark Goddess, Serena the Dark Priestess, and finally the Devil King's Daughter."

O-Oh. Just those guys, huh…? Uh, y-yeah, whatever, no big deal! My elite crew of evil warriors will give those chumps a run for their -

Nope, couldn't even buy into my own bullshit. I have no faith in our current abilities.

Aqua on the other hand…

"Pfft, they don't sound so tough."

I looked at her like she was insane. Ah, who am I kidding – SHE WAS! "One of those generals is literally a dark goddess. How does that not scare you!?"

"You mean Wolbach? Oh please, that hussy's got nothing on me!" Aqua insisted. "Besides, she was sealed away a long time ago. Even if she did somehow manage to break free, she'd only be half as powerful as she was before."

"So what you're saying is, she'd be on your playing level right now?"

A vein bulged on her forehead in an instant. "What's that supposed to mean!?"

I decided to calm my nerves by helping myself to a spoonful of teasing. "Demigod~"

It was totally worth getting splashed in the face with scalding tea. Okay, half worth it. Slightly worth it?

Scratch that, the third degree burns were setting in. Definitely not worth it!

Despite the two of us threatening to kill Wiz just minutes ago, she was surprisingly adamant about chewing Aqua's head off for burning my face like that. In fact, she was so menacing in that moment, it was enough to make the demigod apologize and heal me. Maybe having a Devil King General for a friend ain't such a bad thing after all.

After my burns faded away thanks to Aqua's healing spell, I said to Wiz, "So even if one general is left alive out there in the world, the barrier protecting your boss's castle will remain up?"

"I hesitate to call the Devil King my 'boss' per say, but yes. The barrier will stay erect so long as there is at least one general still active."

The sound of cracking knuckles alerted me to Aqua, who suddenly switched back into murder mode while Wiz threw her hands up in surrender. It was almost funny considering how the former was intimidated by the latter for hurting me.

"L-Lady Aqua, please, don't be so hasty!" Wiz sputtered. "The situation isn't nearly as black and white as you may think! Ever since Beldia's death, I could feel the strength of the barrier begin to waver. True, it will still be up so long as there's one of us left alive, but by then it will be severely weakened! It'll finally be susceptible to penetration compared to when it was at full power!"

Thank evil Darkness wasn't around to hear the words "erect" and "penetration" Wiz was using to describe the barrier.

"Yeah, I figured," Aqua agreed as she took a menacing step forward. "But there's also a huge bounty on the Devil King's Generals, and I need to pay back my overdue bar tab..."

Jesus, how can an airhead like her be more ruthless than someone like me? It's not fair I tell ya! I know gods have it out for anything unholy and junk, but holy hell is Aqua kicking it into high gear!

Wiz squeaked miserably, "B-B-But I'm no threat…! All I wanted to do was open a magic shop, and the only requests the Devil King gave me were to maintain his barrier and keep my identity a secret! In fact, I'm so harmless, nobody's bothered to put a bounty on me!"

Aqua's shoulders sagged and her fists uncurled as her arms went slack. "Really? Dang it, now how am I gonna pay back my debt!? The barkeep won't serve me drinks again until I give him his money! What can I do, Jack, what can I do!?"

"You can join Alcoholics Anonymous."

"How will that help pay my bar tab!?"

I ignored the sobbing woman clinging onto my sleeve to ask Wiz an important question. "Hang on, if you side with the bad guys yet you refuse to do anything bad, doesn't that technically make you a good guy?"

The Devil King General blinked (though it looked more like a wink because of the bangs covering her right eye) and she slowly answered, "Oh, umm, y-yes, I am. At least, I like to think so..."

Great, just what I needed in my life: more good guys to rain on my evil parade. It's almost like fate's trying to tell me something I don't wanna hear. I'm a bad guy, dammit, and nobody can say otherwise!

Focus, Jack, you still haven't asked Wiz your real question yet. Keep your head in the game.

"In that case, why are you aligned with the Devil King in the first place?"

Wiz's visible eye darted down to the floor. She held onto her forearm with her hand as she stood there in silence. I was honestly having a hard time getting a read on the girl. Then again, I did spend most of my life interacting with the JackBots, and I never exactly built their faceplates to emote. So maybe I'm not the best guy to pick up on social cues.

Eventually, Wiz managed to lock eyes with me. Even though her bangs hid one of her eyes, I could practically feel both of them staring intensely into my soul. 

"Mr. Spicer, while I'm truly grateful you and your companions spared me and allowed me to continue running my shop in peace, I'm afraid what you're asking is too personal for me to disclose at this time. Please do not be insulted, I simply feel as though we aren't close enough for those kind of discussions just yet."

Thankfully, her eyes softened and she broke contact with mine. I always feel like I'm being held hostage whenever someone maintains eye contact with me. It's not cool unless I'm purposefully doing it to them.

"But…" Wiz whispered, "Let's just say it ties into me becoming a Lich and leave it at that. For now, anyway…"

Huh. Okay then. I guess it makes sense that a Lich wouldn't be comfortable spilling their life story with some rando. Eh, as long as she doesn't try to destroy my newly conquered world a million years from now, I don't really care.

"So that's it?" questioned Aqua. "We're just gonna let her go about her business like nothing's changed?"

I gave her a look. "I don't see why not. You heard the lady, she doesn't seem to care about snitching on us to the Devil King. So, in a way, she's on our side. AKA, the winning side."

Aqua stomped her foot like a child. "But wouldn't it make our lives so much easier if we just end her now!? That's one less general we'd have to deal with!"

Having enough of her newfound psychopathic tendencies, I pulled the girl away from Wiz and we huddled so I could whisper to her. "Look, I get where you're coming from, but right now Wiz doesn't have any beef with us, even if she really should. This is a rare opportunity for us; it's not every day we get to be buddy-buddy with a Devil King General. They say, 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer', so let's capitalize on that. Think of all the juicy insider knowledge she could share with us."

Aqua's mouth turned into a thin neutral line, and she moved it from side to side. Kinda like what I do when I'm mulling something over but I'm still not sure about it.

"Besides, even if we were able to storm the DK's castle right this second, we'd still be under-leveled. Plus, we'd need a huge army of robots to back us up, and that takes time."

"Can't you just build a factory and mass-produce them or something?" Aqua questioned rudely.

"Oh yeah, sure...if you want to be soulless about it. Where's the love in churning out JackBots in a factory compared to me making them by hand?"

Aqua rolled her eyes at me, but she eventually relented. Satisfied with ourselves, we broke our little huddle and gave Wiz big grins and a thumbs-up. She seemed content and smiled softly at us.

And hey, while we're at it, might as well see if I can't convince her to teach me an exclusive Undead skill. I did have some points saved up, and I did say I'd keep her around to help me in my quest for world domination. No time like the present!

"So, Wiz, now that we're best buds and all, I was wondering...if you could teach me one of your cool Lich moves!"

Before she had a chance to respond, I squeaked in pain as my was getting tugged by guess who.

"Oh no you don't, mister!" Aqua chided as she tugged harder. "I won't have you learning any dark arts. Not while I'm here!"

"Ow! C'mon, Aqua! It'll be really cool – OW! YOU'RE GONNA TEAR OFF MY EARLOBE, GIRL!"

"Absolutely not!" She stated adamantly. "I am a goddess: I represent purity and holiness. Wiz may be our friend now, but she's anything but holy! If I allow you to learn a skill from the Undead, I'd be failing at my job!"

Doesn't getting exiled from Heaven technically count as failing your job?

"So no, I forbid you from learning any and all spells from Wiz!"

"If you make an exception, I'll buy you a steak dinner and some wine tonight. Deal?"

"Deal."

Double standards for the win! I rubbed my aching ear as I repeated my original question to Wiz.

"Oh, um…Sure, it's the least I could do for you," Wiz eventually answered with a small smile. "What did you have in mind?"

I shrugged. "Dunno. Surprise me."

Wiz cupped her chin, humming in thought. She eyed me up and down until her attention was drawn to my forgotten bag of potions I had left on the ground nearby. "I couldn't help but notice that whenever you stop by, you always clear out my stock of mana restoration potions. Forgive me for asking, but I assume your mana pool is fairly limited?"

"Don't remind me…" I grumbled in response. "But yeah, it's true. I've been told it increases for every Level you gain, but I've hardly noticed any difference!"

"You could always try grinding more often instead of letting your robots do all the work for you," Aqua snarked.

"I'm a scientist, not a caveman. So put a sock in it, woman."

Wiz continued, "In any case, I would be glad to teach you Drain Touch. It's a skill that absorbs and transfers an opponent's mana and constitution. The only drawback is you have to make physical contact with the enemy in order for it to work. But if used wisely, it can be an extremely versatile skill!"

In other words, it's like the Drain Life Force power from the Knights of the Old Republic games. Sold! All we were missing now was HK-47 to make a funny quip about homicide! That droid is like my evil muse, you know.

"Heck yeah, that sounds sick! Gimme, gimme!"

Wiz waved her hands and frantically shouted, "N-Now wait a minute please! In order for me to show you the skill so it can appear on your card, I first need to demonstrate it to you. And in order to do that, I'll need an...o-opponent…"

My eyes went to Aqua.

"Not in your wildest dreams, boy," she stated in a flat tone. "I may be turning a blind eye here, but I am not going to be your guinea pig."

I waved her off as my attention went back to Wiz. "Eh, it's fine. If it means getting in tune with the Dark Side, I don't mind trading in a little energy. Drain away, girlfriend!"

"Ah. Alright then…" relented the Lich as she firmly but gently grasped my hands with hers. Despite being cold from the lack of body heat, they actually felt kinda nice. "I promise to absorb as little of your energy as possible. Drain Touch!"

A purple glow engulfed our hands and -

"gAH!"

"Jack!"

The second Wiz let go of me, I fell to the floor, coughing up my lungs. I felt severely nauseous and would've thrown up had I not been focused on keeping my breakfast down.

Aqua swooped in to help me get back on my feet. She lashed out at the Lich, "What the hell, you slimy undead creep!? You said you'd only drain a little of his energy!?"

"But I did!" Wiz defended while on the verge of tears. "I only drained about 5% of his overall energy before he collapsed on me! I didn't expect his magical defenses to be that low!"

Aqua merely glared at her, causing the Lich to look away in shame. In a very rare moment of what I could only guess was genuine selflessness, the goddess gave me a temporary buff to all my stats free of charge. "There. Feeling better now, Jack?"

I just remember being stunned that she would do something like that while asking if I was alright. It was so out of character for her!

That, and uh…I wasn't normally used to this kind of treatment...especially from her.

"Y-Yeah, I'm better now," I answered while rubbing my head. "Thanks?"

"No problem!" she cheerfully replied, reverting back to her usual self. "I told you that you need to level up more. You must be really weak if losing 5% of your energy was too much for you to handle!"

For whatever reason, her jab didn't sting all that much. Either she was just being playful or I was beginning to develop a thicker skin for insults. She's so damn dense sometimes that it's honestly hard to tell if she means what she says or not.

Wiz apologized nonstop as I nodded and acquired the Drain Touch skill for myself. Hopefully, with this new spell, I won't have to account for as many potions in my budget going forward! It may be watered down due to it being a cross-class skill, but I think I can still get some mileage out of it. Now I just needed someone with a high source of power to drain from and I can finally get to work building an evil lair. Good thing Aqua was known for being a heavy sleeper!

A bell ringing popped my daydream bubble as some old-timer entered the shop.

"Excuse me, is Miss Wiz available? I have a bit of a problem on my hands..."

My Evil Posse and I stood outside the front gates of the mansion with Attack Squad Sigma (plus four new JackBots I built) hovering patiently behind us.

To make a long story short, the old man who visited Wiz's shop was the landlord of a vacant mansion in the far corner of town. He explained that spirits were haunting it and he asked Wiz to help exorcise them. He claimed no matter how often he did it himself, more spirits would fill up the mansion by nightfall.

Sprouting the idea lightbulb at roughly the same time, Aqua and I badgered the old geyser into letting us do it in exchange for permanent residence there. He reluctantly agreed after enough pestering. But he was also adamant about us chasing away the spirits for good. And if there was one thing I was good at, it was making ghosts want to get away from me, so I wasn't too worried.

In fact, the moment Aqua and I walked out of the shop, we celebrated prematurely with our own little victory dances. I choose to "Do the Robot", naturally.

When we told Megumin and Darkness the news, they were just as stoked as we were! So we all packed our personal belongings around evening and made our way to the mansion, which brings us to the present. It was fairly similar to my mansion back home on Earth: two-stories tall, huge brick wall for a perimeter, freshly cut grass, a few trees, shrubbery, the works.

Finally, after sleeping in stables for far too long, I was moving back into a mansion where I belong! 

"It's beautiful I tell ya!" I couldn't help but exclaim. "Goodbye smelly old stables and helloooo Spicer Mansion II!" 

Megumin shot me a curious glance. "Implying there's a Spicer Mansion I?"

"My old home back on Earth," I clarified with a proud/smug smirk. "Technically my home-away-from-home. Spent nearly half of my childhood there."

The small fry gaped at me like a fish that found out it was adopted. "You used to live in a mansion and never told us!?"

"You never asked. Anyway, the first mansion had my old evil lair in it," I reminisced, ignoring Megumin's baffled cries and Darkness randomly clearing her throat. "Although this mansion's not too dissimilar to mine. Maybe if I'm lucky, there'll even be a basement where I can set up my new evil lair!"

Unfortunately, the annoying blue thing standing nearby jumped at the chance to mock me as she snickered, "I see you're deadest on returning to you shut-in, hikikomori roots. Guess you've done enough socializing for one lifetime, huh~?"

"What have I told you about pushing my buttons already!?"

Before we could have a go at ripping each other apart again, Darkness interrupted. "Settle down, you two! Technically speaking, this house isn't ours unless we exorcise the spirits and any more that come in."

"You did not just call this luxurious amount of real estate a house, did you...?" Megumin ominously asked the Crusader, a dangerous glow in her eyes. Her sudden murderous intentions were lost on Darkness as she squirmed in delight under her gaze.

Aqua apparently forgot about our fight completely as she switched back to her usual happy, dumb self. "Don't worry guys! I'm a certified Archpriest and a goddess; I'm basically an anti-undead expert! Lemme just work my magic and uncover what paranormal activities are afoot."

Raising her sparkly hands in the air, Aqua closed her eyes and began to explain – in great detail – one of the main ghosts currently haunting the mansion. Seriously, she gave us the spirit's entire life story like she had known them personally. I think there name was Anna or something, but I lost interest real quick and motioned for the JackBots to follow me inside. I glanced back just to make sure if Darkness and Megumin were following, and I was glad to see they were. Guess even they have their limits when it comes to dealing with that chump.

Once we made it inside the foyer, we instantly noticed how dusty the building was. It looked like no one had lived in here for years! Maybe that's what drew the ghosts here in the first place.

"Well, this simply won't do," Darkness hummed. "If we plan on moving in, we're going to have to give this place a thorough cleaning."

"I'll go find where they keep the cleaning supplies…" Megumin sighed tiredly.

Smirking, I snapped my fingers, the JackBots instantly hovering around me and causing the two girls to watch in curious awe.

"Boys, give this place the patented Spicer Mansion Routine Dusting, would you?"

"Right away, sir!" JB-CUPC4K3 said with a salute before he and the rest of the bots switched their claws for feather duster fingers. Soon my boys split up around the house to start dusting, with Cupcake staying behind to get the foyer.

Sensing the stunned wonderment coming from Megumin and Darkness, I grinned at them as I seized the opportunity to toot my own horn. "The standard JackBot unit has the distinct advantage of being very versatile. While a robot made to fill a specific niche is better, my boys here are equipped to handle most things."

It took a moment for any of them to respond, but it was ultimately my young evil apprentice who broke the silence first: "Your golems are so fucking cool, man…"

"MEGUMIN! Language/Robots!"

Dark and I stared at each other for a sec after talking at the same time before our attention went back to the mage.

"Wha – C'mon, Darkness!" Megumin cried indignantly. "I'm an adult, I'm allowed to curse if I want to! Hell, I've done it before and I'm doing it right now! Besides, you let Jack get away with it!"

"That may be true, but just because he does it doesn't mean he should," Darkness said as she eyed me (What did I do?). "Regardless, there's not much I can do other than suggest the both of you refrain from using vulgar words like that. I understand adventuring is a more...informal occupation, and letting off steam through swearing is quite common, but it's my belief that it's a bad practice."

The Crimson Demon pulled down the brim of her hat and looked away from the Crusader. "First you won't let me drink, now you're scolding me for my language. I'd just wish you'd all stop seeing me as a kid already and treat me like an equal…"

Darkness looked like she didn't know what to say. I don't blame her, I didn't know what to say either. First there was that genuine moment of kindness from Aqua, and now these two were having a heart-to-heart? I thought I was running a circus here, not a poetry slam.

At any rate, the blonde knight seemed to figure out how to proceed. She stepped forward to the girl and carefully placed a hand on her shoulder. Megumin slowly lifted her hat just enough to peek at Darkness and see her smiling softly.

"You are an equal, Megumin, that's never changed. I understand I may come across as a little overbearing to you, but that's only because I don't want your life to end up in the gutter before it has a chance to truly begin. I thought I knew everything when I was your age, but here I am now: eighteen and still learning new things! People never really stop growing, you know."

Megumin shifted from foot to foot, still looking unsure of herself.

Darkness offered her an ultimatum, "Tell you what: the next time we have alcohol with one of our meals, I'll permit you a small cup. I recommend small as every alcoholic beverage has an acquired taste and you may not like some. That, and I don't want to risk you getting inebriated – !?"

Darkness was cut off by an ecstatic half-pint hugging her waist and jumping up and down while thanking her relentlessly. The older woman chuckled lightly at the reaction and hugged her back.

...Okay, I'm a third wheel and this was getting too cutesy for my liking. I turned around and excused myself out.

"Welp, I'm gonna go check out our new digs and maybe pick a room to crash in. Night, Megumin. Night, Dark."

"Hey, wait a minute!"

Already done with this, I sighed and looked back to address Megumin. "What?"

"I've been wondering...how come you came up with a nickname for Darkness but not for me or Aqua?"

"Listen, I'd call you 'Meg' for short, but that'd be too cruel, even for me."

"How would calling me Meg be cruel?"

"You wouldn't get it," I answered plainly, speaking immediately after as to not give her a chance to further question it. "Besides, I don't know about you, but 'Darkness' can be a bit of a mouthful to say every single time. That's why I sometimes shorten it to 'Dark' in order to make things easier on me. Well, that and because it sounds cool."

Since we were discussing Dark, the woman herself began to blush from being the center of attention. That's normally well and dandy, but something about the way she blushed seemed different somehow. I may be overthinking it, but that didn't look like her usual "I'm horny" blush. Instead it looked more like an "I'm being complimented" blush. Not that I'd know what that looks like, but that's just what it felt to me anyway.

"I don't know...What do you think, Darkness?" Megumin asked the flustered blonde, snapping her back into reality.

"Huh? Oh, uh, I…I don't see anything wrong with Jack calling me 'D-Dark' for short. In fact, I too find the nickname to be…c-cool…"

The "adult" Archwizard shrugged her shoulders and made her way down a nearby hall. "Suit yourself then. I'm gonna find a room to call my own. Later."

Now that it was just the two of us, we didn't really know what should be said, if anything at all. So we just kinda stood there for a while...awkwardly.

JB-CUPC4K3 had just finished dusting the foyer and was preparing to fly down a hallway when I said, "I'll…go make sure the JackBots have everything under control, yeah?"

"Y-Yes, that sounds reasonable."

"Dope," I said with a nod. "Soooo…Catch ya later then...Dark?"

The Crusader gazed upwards at me before a small smile found its way onto her lips. "Yes, I will 'catch you later' as well, Jack."

Feeling my own cheeks heat up, I quickly spun around and followed my robot down into the dusty hallway.

What was up with her? In fact, what was up with my whole party recently? Ever since the Snow Sprite kill quest, they've been acting strange (well, stranger). They still behave like their weird selves, but they also seem a little more…human? Like they're only just now starting to act like real people?

I dunno, I've hung out with robots all my life; understanding how they're programmed is way easier for me. The human brain is life's most complicated supercomputer, and I just don't have the skillset to hack it.

At any rate, while everyone was out picking their rooms and the JackBots were dusting everything, I decided to get a good layout of my new crib. The bedrooms were all plain and simple, but serviceable. The living room had a tall ceiling, windows, couch, dining table, and cozy fireplace. There was also a roomy kitchen to work in, as well as several pointless rooms that only rich people like us could afford. Along with the occasional robot passing by, it was already starting to feel like home.

After my homesickness was finally cured, I managed to hit the Jackpot yet again: a door to a cellar! The door squeaked painfully when I opened it, but that didn't deter me from going in.

"Hopefully there's enough space down here to work with," I said to myself. "But if not, I'll just have to dig a few floors lower to make room. That's what I did with my old lair anyway."

My HeliBot extended a mechanical arm with a built-in flashlight to help me see better as I descended down the brick stairs. The walls were lined with unlit candle holders that I was fairly sure haven't had their wax changed in a long time. Not that it mattered much, candles would become obsolete as soon as I installed electrical wiring.

I soon made it down the stairs and into a wide open, rectangular room. There were rows upon rows of shelves arranged in a maze-like pattern, each one containing cubby holes for dark-colored bottles. Large wooden kegs were also lined up along with the bottles. It didn't take long for me to piece together just what kind of cellar this was.

Either way, this underground area was about the right size and width to construct my second evil lair, baby! I snickered evilly at the thought as I crossed between the rows of shelves.

Suddenly, from behind one of the rows, a shadowy figure jumped out at me while making karate noises. My evil snickering quickly morphed into sissy screaming, which then caused my assailant to scream in a similar manner. My HeliBot arm shined the flashlight to reveal the stranger in the shadows.

"Aqua!?"

The water goddess shielded her face with her arms and yelled, "Quit shining that in my eyes!"

I lowered my light to the ground just enough to illuminate her pissed off expression. "I swear, one of these days you're gonna make me go deaf," she muttered while rubbing her ears with her finger. "What are you even doing down here?"

"I could be asking you the same thing. Also, WHY DID YOU JUMP OUT LIKE THAT!?"

"BECAUSE I HEARD SOMEONE SNICKERING AND THOUGHT IT WAS AN EVIL SPIRIT, DUMBASS!"

Aqua pushed her ragged hair out of her face after her outburst and composed herself. "After you guys so rudely left me outside, I came inside so I could get started on exorcising the spirits. Seriously, you sound like a creepy ghost when you do that snickering thing."

"Really?" I asked, slightly taken aback by the comparison. "Huh...I guess all that practicing in the mirror finally paid off then!"

"Normally, I'd slap you. But not even you can ruin the good mood that I'm in," The Archpriest sighed dreamily as she cradled a bottle she was holding in her arms like an infant. "Mama found herself the treasure of a lifetime! Do you know what this is, Jack?"

I stared at her and the bottle for a solid three seconds before answering, "Wine?"

Aqua was quick to gasp like she was offended and she smooshed the drink right up against her cheek. "You uncultured swine! This is no ordinary wine – oh no! This is a rare, exquisite wine that was discontinued in this world about a decade ago. I remember being so pissed that I couldn't import it to the Heavenly Realm anymore. But there's others just like it down here, waiting to be tasted by me!"

Oh joy. We've got ourselves a wine snob in the house. Perfect.

The snob rubbed her face along the bottle's glossy surface and sighed in contentment. "Once I'm done cleansing this house of ghosts, I'm gonna hop into a nice hot bubble bath. Then I'm gonna get changed into some warm pajamas and take leisurely sips of this in my new bed~"

If this were coming from any other girl, I might've crumbled under sexual frustration. But seeing how this was Aqua…not doing it for me, even if she is supernaturally beautiful. What a paradox.

With a halfhearted, "Have fun with that," I turned tail and went back upstairs. I also sent a direct message to every JackBot unit ordering them to file into the cellar to go to sleep mode once they were done cleaning the house. Sadly, they'll only get in the way of flushing out the ghosts. But at least we've got our resident goddess/Archpriest on the job, so I'm not worried.

Once I made it into the bedroom I claimed for myself, I locked the door to maintain my well-respected privacy before shedding my coat, shoes, and pants. I was feeling lazy and threw my googles, wrist device, and HeliBot all on top of the clothes pile I made. Now it was just me standing alone in my Frankenstein's Monster tee and skull boxers.

"You've earned this freedom, Jack. You've earned it…"

With sluggish movements, I fell onto my comfy new bed and exhausted the last of my energy to flip myself over on my back. The moment I realized this would be my new room, I think all the stress I had melted away, suddenly leaving me tired as hell. I yawned as I put my hands behind my head, too sleepy to bother extinguishing the lit candles in the room. Now I could finally relax in peace. Just me and my thoughts to keep me company.

…

How do I feel about Darkness? What kind of random thought was that!? There's nothing to feel: she's a horny jock trapped inside of a female knight's hourglass body. End of story. Let's move on to something else, mind.

…

Of course it's not love, don't be stupid! At best, it would be a puppy crush, but even that's stretching it. If all my time pining over Chase Young has taught me anything, it's that love leads to physical and emotional pain. And I already get enough of that in my normal day-to-day life, so I don't see any point in looking for a relationship anytime soon.

…

Well yeah, no shit Dark isn't anything like Chase. For one, Chase is clearly a top.

…

Regardless, I'm still cautious on letting myself become completely vulnerable around her. Same goes for Aqua and Megumin. I kinda slipped up after my near-death experience with the Winter Shogun; my emotions got the better of me again. But just to be safe, I should still try to keep those girls at arm's length just in case they dump me. They may be my longest maintained team so far, but Murphey's Law doesn't care about the length of time. It's always active in my life, and I have the "Luck" stat to prove it.

I'm just making sure not to set my hopes and expectations too high this time…That's all.

I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until I opened my eyes and saw that the room was dark. The candles must've gone out at some point during the night. The mansion was as quiet as a church mouse and I'd lost all sense of time. Although my bodily clock did tell me it was just about time for nature to call, so that's probably what woke me up. I made an attempt to sit up when something out of the corner of my eye made me stop all together.

Sitting alone, in a chair, where the moonlight barely reached, sat a little girl's doll that I knew for a fact was not there before.

With my childhood instincts kicking in, I quickly hid under my sheets for safety. It took all the willpower I had left to hold in my bladder and not scream in fear. The heat from the covers mixed with the engulfing anxiety made me sweat bullets. I did my best to quiet my breathing as it was beginning to grow louder and more rapid with each passing second.

This can't be happening to me! I finally conquered my long-lasting fear of the dark this year and now THIS has to go and happen!? I've seen Child's Play, I know where this was going! I didn't want to die like a dumb horror movie character! Please, oh please just let this be a bad dream!

It was subtle, very subtle, but I distinctly felt new weight being added onto my mattress. My pumping heart dropped to my stomach. With shaky hands, I lifted up the covers as slowly as humanly possible.

Several new dolls surrounded me at every angle.

I didn't even bother unlocking the door to get out; I put a Jack-shaped hole through it as I screamed bloody murder and cheesed it! I never looked back, instead I focused on making random, abrupt turns to shake off any dolls that could be following.

Unfortunately, my strategy soon backfired the moment I collided with a hard object and fell flat on my ass. Despite having the wind knocked out of me, I somehow miraculously managed to hold my bladder in.

"Augh!"

Wait a minute...I recognized the sound of that voice...and I recognized those glowing brown - I mean RED eyes too! The dark halls were making me mix up my reds and browns again.

"Megumin?" I called out. "Is that you!?"

The little girl groaned, "Ow…Yeah it's me – what the hell was that for, Jack!?"

I got up off the floor and helped the kid back on her own two feet. She was out of her day clothes and wearing either light-red or light-brown pajamas. "Uh, sorry. Just running from murderous dolls is all. You?"

Megumin's eyes widen the moment I mentioned murderous dolls. "Really? Same. I woke up to find them crawling all over my room. I-I was going to look for Aqua or Darkness and ask them to help me find the bathroom, but then I got lost trying to avoid more dolls. We probably should've let each other know where we were beforehand..."

The other two must be out exorcising the spirits, I'd wager. Actually, scratch that, Aqua was likely the only one who's doing any of that. Pretty sure Darkness was out there somewhere begging for the ghosts to possess her as a form of humiliation or something.

"Oh, well what a coinkydink: I was about to go looking for the bathroom too before I got jumped by those haunted dolls," I mentioned.

"I thought you said that you weren't afraid of ghosts?" Megumin voiced while looking at me with a raised brow. "Didn't you even work with one?"

"Regular ghosts I can handle just fine. But ghosts possessing creepy porcelain dolls? NOOOO thank YOUUUU!"

Lazily shrugging, Megumin gazed downward before asking, "Say...if it's alright with you, would you mind helping me look for the bathroom? Y'know, since we both need to go and all…strength in numbers and all that!"

Hmm, risk getting ambushed alone by haunted dolls or sacrifice my high standards on privacy? Tough call to make...

I ultimately sighed, "Alright, fine, you've made your point. C'mon, I have a medically weak bladder, so let's go find the bathroom already."

Nodding, Megumin took the rear as we crept through the halls to try and locate the oval office. I wouldn't admit it, but I was actually somewhat grateful for bumping into the Crimson Demon like I did. I'm at my wits end as is, so having some company to keep me from completely caving into fear was sorta comforting.

"Hey, Jack, about your experience with ghosts..." Megumin intentionally trailed off.

"Yeah?" I urged.

"Why do you reckon they all like to congregate here in particular?"

I sighed, "I don't know, Megumin. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say ghosts just have an innate desire to haunt mansions. I know Wuya couldn't get enough of my pad back home, and there's tons of video games with haunted mansions in them. Maybe ghosts just want to live the good life they never got? That's my theory."

The wizard hummed to herself in thought but didn't say anything else after that. Eventually, we managed to finally locate the bathroom, the door to which was wide open and welcoming!

However, before I could make in, I felt a hand grab onto my wrist.

"A gentleman always lets the lady go first..." Megumin stated plainly.

"Too bad I ain't a gentleman..." I plainly stated back.

There was a moment of silence between us, the calm before the storm...

Any sense of civility went right out the window as we immediately resorted to kicking, scratching, and biting each other over who gets dibs on the bathroom. Our scuffle got so intense, it even formed a dust cloud around us, just like in the cartoons. The JackBots must've missed a spot when they were first dusting the area.

I suddenly felt a sharp pain shoot up from my shin as I fell to the ground and tended to it. The twerp kicked me in the shin!

I was going to return the favor, but once the dust cloud settled, I couldn't find her. When I heard the door to the bathroom slam shut, I knew I was too late.

Refusing to admit defeat though, I banged on the door and shouted, "MEGUMIN! You come out there right now and let me go first! I don't think I can hold it any longer!"

"I'm sorry!" I heard her shout from behind the door. "But I need to go more! I'm sure there's another bathroom somewhere if you just keep looking! I believe in you, Jack!"

"Maybe you believe in me, BUT MY BLADDER SURE DOESN'T! NOW OPEN UP!"

I kept banging on the door for a while in spite of the girl's protests, but I eventually had to give up and cut my losses. If I didn't find a bathroom soon, there was going to be another mess on the floor for the JackBots to clean up. And I did not want to subject them to that!

Flipping off the brat hiding behind the door, I scurried through the halls of the mansion, trying to think of dry thoughts in the meantime. Megumin had to be right, a huge house like this always has to have more than one bathroom; my own mansion had a total of six! If I just keep looking and continue thinking about eating saltine crackers in the desert, I'm sure I'll find -

My heart threatened to claw its way out of my throat as I spotted a group of moving dolls at the left intersection of a new hallway. They weren't facing my direction yet so, without thinking, I ducked inside a nearby supply closet, shutting the door as quietly as possible. Scooting back as far as I could, I hugged my knees as a means of both comforting myself and holding in my bursting bladder. I could hear the pitter-patter of the dolls' feet moving across the hall I was just in and approaching my hiding spot.

This was it, wasn't it? My second chance at life, and it ends with me silently crying in a supply closet on the verge of pissing myself as living dolls come to get me. Come to think of it, didn't I piss myself when I died in Hong Kong? Why was that a constant? I mean, it's marginally better than evacuating my bowels, but still.

More footsteps were fast approaching, and I could see shadows closing in from underneath the door. I closed my eyes and waited with bated breath...

That's when I felt a tickle on my nose. I snuck a peak to see what was causing the tickling.

It was a spider suspended in the air on a string of web.

The next few seconds were a bit hazy, but I distinctly recall a lot of supplies getting thrown around on top of me screaming...a lot. Next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground outside of a wrecked closet surrounded by a bunch of motionless dolls.

"Jack!?" I heard three girls cry out.

When I weakly lifted my head, I saw my party crowding over me, including Megumin the rat. Darkness had one of those portable candle holders on her and it lit the hallway were in. Aqua was shaking her hand like it hurt and she looked down strangely at me.

"What were you doing in that closet?" she asked with what I was positive was a hint of attitude in her tone.

I tried to explain how I got in there to begin with, but I had so much trouble getting the words out that I just gave up and settled with a classic, "Shut up…"

"Hey – that is no way to speak to a goddess! Especially one who just exorcised all the spirits inhabiting those dolls around you."

"Wha…?"

Darkness elaborated, "It's true, I was aiding Aqua in exorcising the ghosts when Megumin found us saying she spotted more dolls in the area. We all came as fast as we could, and Aqua used her powers to rip the souls out from the dolls' bodies so they could be purified. That's when we heard screaming and crashing from within the closet and suddenly you popped out!"

Megumin, rubbing her arm in a nervous manner, scrunched her face as she added, "Jack, I'm…sorry for tricking you like that. If I didn't steal the bathroom from you, you wouldn't have to go look for another one by yourself…and those dolls wouldn't have cornered you like they did. I almost got you seriously hurt, and I don't think I can forgive myself for that. Even so…"

The Crimson Demon actually went as far as to bow her head before finishing, "I only hope that you can find it within yourself to forgive me. But I'll understand if you don't."

Wow, uh…I never imagined she would feel guilty over jacking the toilet (pun not intended this time). But hey, it could've been a lot worse: she could've let the kingdom's government take me away under false pretenses. Y'know, just one of many hypotheticals that comes to mind. Always gotta prepare for the worst, right?

"H-Hey, we're still cool, M-bomb!" I babbled, doing my best to reassure the kid. "We were both competing to use the bathroom first and I lost, simple as. Water off a duck's back, y'know?"

Thankfully, it seemed that was enough to prevent Megumin from walking down the path of honor as she was now fixated on one of my words. "M-bomb?"

"Yeah, you said I never gave you a nickname, so I just gave you one: M-bomb," I explained with a small smile. "Like an A-bomb but with an M for Megumin. Fitting, wouldn't you say?"

Megumin continued to stare at me with an unreadable face (well, unreadable for me, anyway). But eventually, the cracks started to show as a smile threatened to break out before she went into a mini giggle fit. I guess I'll take that as a sign that she likes her new nickname. Even though I just came up with it on the spot, I gotta admit, it was pretty fitting.

Once she settled down, she beamed brightly at me. "Thanks, Jack."

"Hey, does this mean I get a nickname too?" Aqua asked me with stars in her eyes.

"Nah, you don't need one."

"What!? Why you rotten little -"

Dark interrupted the blue thing's rant by suddenly asking out loud, "Pardon my intrusion, but does anyone else smell…urine?"

The other two girls took a moment to sniff the air before promptly covering their noses. All three slowly glanced back down to where I was lying at. Hot shame washed all over me the instant I registered the damp area in my pants. 

"I-I'll go get changed now…" I muttered while refusing to look at any of the them in the eye.

Morning came along, and Aqua and I were at the guild to collect the special reward money for permanently clearing out the ghosts in our new mansion. That's right, the not-so-useless goddess worked a little of her magic and blessed the house to prevent future hauntings. So not only do we get to live in it as part of our arrangement with the landlord, but we also get to make bank on a quest which just so happened to ask for the same thing! Apparently, it had been put on the board for a while, but nobody was brave or willing enough to take it.

I mean, I probably wouldn't have taken it either if I didn't have an Archpriest like Aqua around, but that's neither here nor there.

Although there was one tiny exception we conveniently left out of the report: Anna Filante Estroid. The little ghost girl Aqua was blabbering on about last evening was the last remaining ghost in the mansion. To not drag out a story I couldn't be bothered to listen to, she was the illegitimate child of the noble that previously owned the place. After the maid he cheated with mysteriously disappeared, he got sick and died, then whatever he caught passed onto Anna and she died too.

For a while, she was the only ghost that haunted the mansion, possessing the doll collection she owned when she was alive to scare would-be buyers. But soon unrelated ghosts began squatting in her home and even possessed her own dolls, becoming more of a general nuisance to the neighborhood.

After we let Aqua exorcise all the other ghosts controlling the dolls, Anna briefly manifested in front of us to personally give her thanks for getting rid of all the "meanies playing with her toys". When I not-so-subtly encouraged Aqua to do her Archpriest thing on her, she vehemently refused. She reasoned that she had no need to purify Anna since she was a "good spirit", and technically the current owner of the mansion we would now be living in.

Even if she was nothing like Wuya, I was still opposed to sharing a living space with something that wasn't among the living. Unfortunately, all I got were disapproving glares from everyone, and was immediately outvoted; Anna was allowed to stay. I don't know when my Evil Posse formed a democracy under my nose, but since the JackBots' plasma rifles had no effect on ghosts, I was forced to comply. I could always invent some ghost-busting gear in my off time, but that'd just make the girls mad, and I don't think it'd be worth the effort. 

In the end, we put all of Anna's dolls back in her own room and vowed to never go in it. I would've rather burned the creepy things but I obviously couldn't do that. And something tells me Anna would haunt me exclusively for the rest of my days if I did. She was already ticked off at me openly suggesting we purify her (even if the pout she gave was honestly kinda cute), I have a feeling I was about to be subjected to paranormal pranks for the foreseeable future. Maybe privately apologizing to her grave out in the front yard will appease her somewhat...

Back to present day at the guild. Out of morbid curiosity, I asked Luna why she thought so many ghosts were haunting the mansion Nintendo style as I counted our moolah. The receptionist laid down this little piece of wisdom on me:

"Well, it actually doesn't have to do with the house itself. The issue has something to do with the nearby graveyard. It seems somebody put up a massive magical barrier around it as a prank. With nowhere else to go, the spirits must've settled for the nearest empty house."

Time out. By graveyard, did Luna mean the one my party and I first met Wiz in...? The one where she spent her nights guiding lost souls before Aqua…took…over.

I checked back with my current partner, who was unusually quiet for once. When I excused us from Luna, I took her to a secluded corner before demanding answers.

"Got something you want to share with the class, Aqua?" I hissed in her ear.

The girl absentmindedly poked her fingers together. Her eyes wide as dinner plates and she spoke softly. "So, uh, you remember when I promised Wiz I'd exorcise the graveyard for her? Well, doing that meant I would have to go out there every single night. S-So I figured I could just block the spirits from gathering there altogether. They would get bored, leave, and I wouldn't have to drag myself out of bed every night. So I…y'know…did just that…heh."

Hmmm. Only a jerk would be so willing to accept a reward for fixing a problem that was caused by his associate. Hmmm.

"We'll take the money anyway," I sighed before putting a hand on her shoulder. "But seriously, you can't keep pulling stunts like this again in the future. It's annoying and we might get caught. Are we clear?"

It was barely noticeable, but she did in fact nod. "Crystal…"

Chapter Text

Y'know, after giving it some thought, I think I'm starting to see the appeal in living the rest of my life in a high-fantasy, JRPG world. All it took was hours of hunkering down in an underground lab with nothing but sci-fi elements surrounding me to finally get it! I now see the light!

Witty sarcasm aside, it is with inflated pride that I proclaim the Jack Spicer Off-World Base of Evil to be officially open for business! There's still some parts of the cellar that haven't been covered up by metal plating yet (and it couldn't hurt to do a little more expanding), but otherwise I was all set. Got custom built generators fueled by lamp oil powering my equipment, the wine racks have been repurposed to store all my spare parts, and I even reserved space for an indoor basketball court! Projects and machines from days gone by aside, it was like I never even left Spicer Mansion I. Home truly is where the greedy black heart is.

Ever since Wiz taught me the Drain Touch skill, I've been using it to siphon mana from Aqua while she sleeps to replenish my MP, and I've never been busier. What took me at least a week to build half a dozen robots now takes me a night tops! True, it is annoying having to sneak into Aqua's bedroom every so often to "recharge", but it was a small price to pay in the name of insidious progress. Still, sometimes I wish I was a little more specific with my request for a custom cheat skill. Had I should've asked for Sandbox Mode to have unlimited uses! Oh well, live and learn or…whatever. I'm still hung up about it...

Anyway, I've been busy building all kinds of specialized JackBot variants, like old times. For example, there's the BuilderBots currently digging out more space for me in the lab. Over in my makeshift hangar bay, there's a squadron of WingBots ready for aerial combat at a moment's notice. I also got around to making those CameraBots like I wanted, in case I ever get bit by the acting bug again. What else…Oh! I recently drew up some blueprints for the MK II NinjaBots, now with slits in their masks so they can actually see where they're going (a minor design flaw with the first model, even if its first mission was a success).

Heck, I'm even considering making a new line of robots altogether: KnightBots! It's only fitting given the fantasy setting and all that jazz.

But if you think I've just been limiting myself to home renovations and robotics, you'd be wrong as always, future minions. Now that I have a lot more elbow room to work with, I've been getting started on some more experimental projects, just like a professional mad scientist!

For instance, one upcoming project involves a little something I like to call a "souped-up suit" for myself. Think of any set of power armor from the Fallout games and it's basically that but with my own evil flair added to it. Unfortunately, that project was still in the research and development phase, so it'll be a while before I can curb stomp my enemies with all the force of a freight train. Disappointing, I know.

In the meantime, however, what I can get right to work on is making some more weapons to use in combat! Something I've come to realize is I never really utilized that many weapons for myself in the past. There was that one time I used my Evil Glob Shooter™ on Omi during our Showdown over the Sapphire Dragon Shen Gong Wu...but that was literally it. After that, I just sort of stopped making glob shooters and ray guns and other high-tech weapons for myself. I guess I got so caught up in hunting magical weapons that it became redundant to make my own. Well, seeing as how I was my own villain again, I figured it was time to course correct!

Which brings me to what I was currently up to at that moment. As my robots zoomed across the lab doing all sorts of preprogrammed tasks, I was at my desk assembling a high-tech crossbow that shoots heat-seeking ArrowBots while jamming out to some heavy metal from my computer. God, I love being an evil genius!

"Pardon me, sir."

Admittedly, I'm more of an energy weapons kind of guy. There is a reason why I create all my JackBots with built-in plasma rifles, after all. But I also feel it's important to have a nice variety of assorted weapons at my disposal. And nothing says variety like robotic arrows that lock onto a person's heat signature!

"Excuse me, sir?"

However, I'm still deciding on whether or not to install emotion chips into the ammunition for this rifle. On the one hand, I like to have all my robots be able to express themselves like individuals. On the other hand, it'd be a pretty short and cramped existence for these ArrowBots if I made them self-aware. Yeah...as someone who's claustrophobic, maybe I shouldn't go through with the emotion chips. Maybe I'll settle for installing weak AI in them like what I did for my HeliBot.

"Jack!"

I groaned obnoxiously as I swiveled my chair around to address the JackBot. "Ugh, WHAT? Can't you see I'm in the middle of…"

I never got to finish my sentence as I was met with not just a JackBot, but also some unexpected guests as well. More specifically, my party members who, up until this point, had yet to see my awesome new evil lair. Darkness and Megumin weren't nearly as focused on me as Aqua was. They looked like they still hadn't gotten their fill of gawking at the lab. Not that I blame them.

After a moment of not really knowing how to proceed, I awkwardly leaned over to my computer and paused the album I was listening to before turning back to address the girls. "…Hiya. What, uh, brings you ladies down here, huh?"

Aqua, somehow not fazed by my renovations, pointed vehemently at the JackBot in front of her and practically snarled, "This hunk of junk nearly singed my gorgeous, silky hair while we were roaming the halls looking for you! Dismantle it before it goes rouge for real!"

The JackBot, who I know recognized as JB-HUN73R, clasped his claws and pleaded, "I'm sorry, ma'am, it wasn't my fault! I was ordered to zap any and all arachnids I came across, and you just happened to turn the corner at the worst possible second! Please, don't send me to the scrap heap!"

"Leave him alone, Aqua!" I barked, having absolutely none of this. "Hunter did nothing wrong! Okay, well, as an evil robot he technically is built to do wrong. Which, for a villain, is considered right in my book and...uh…Look, he's just on pest control right now. Next time don't step into his line of fire!"

Before the half-brained demigod and I could fall into another one of our fights, Megumin interrupted us by saying out loud, "I'm sorry but WHAT IS ALL OF THIS!?"

"My sentiments exactly!" Darkness agreed, tearing her eyes off one of my plasma globes to look directly at me. "Jack, is this what you've been up to for the past month? Converting the wine cellar into a…a…"

The Crusader trailed off as that infamous blush of hers overtook her face. She finished her train of thought, "I-Is this a sex dungeon of some twisted kind?"

"First, I don't like you put a lot of hopeful emphasis on those two words there," I stated matter-of-factly while tuning out her protests that claimed otherwise. "Second, no, that's not what this is. I was planning on showing this place off until the renovations were done, but seeing as how the surprise is ruined, might as well just go ahead and brag about it now."

I stood menacingly atop my chair, resting my foot on the edge of the backrest as I gave my classic villain welcome wagon.

"Welcome…TO MY EVIL LAIR! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – oh fuck!"

Yeah, turns out standing on a swivel chair wasn't one of my better ideas, like the time I thought a 50 foot extension cord was long enough for a giant JunkBot to walk around while connected to. I knew I shouldn't have trusted the guy at Lowes when he said that was the longest one they had in stock…

Anyway, after Aqua had her dumb little laugh at my expense, I tended to my throbbing, bloody nose with some wipes I kept in my desk drawers. Blinking away the stray tears, I turned back around and put on a false bravado for the girls to hopefully trick them into thinking my blunder didn't actually bother me on a deep, emotional level.

"Heh...that Anna, always playing ghostly pranks on me," I lied, using our spectral house guest as a scapegoat to disguise my screwup (hopefully that doesn't actually make her prank me more). "ANYWAY! Seeing as how you're all down here, care for the grand tour? It'll really knock your socks off!"

The trio of colorful ladies looked at each other as they considered my offer. They eventually came to a unanimous shrug of indifference, which was good enough for me! I'll take any excuse to show off my ingenuity…and to make them forget about my little mishap while I'm at it.

For the next half hour or so, I showcased my own evil microcosm to three culturally shaken girls. It's rare that I get exhibit my toys – err, I mean, inventions to my partners, and it's even rarer to get an amusing reaction out of them while doing so. I took great pride in witnessing their bewildered faces whenever I showed them a neat little gadget I made or demonstrated how a machine functioned. And their reactions to seeing the 50 foot Jack Spicer Mech I was constructing in the hangar bay? Priceless.

Although I didn't appreciate that snide remark Aqua made on how I must be "overcompensating for something". I guess scientific marvels can only bedazzle morons for so long.

And just for the record…it's average size, okay!? There, I said it, we're moving on now!

After showing the girls the JackMech, I led them to one of the many workbenches I had lying around and slid behind it, gesturing at a little something-something I finished only a few days ago.

"Okay, so, you know how the guild uses these devices to print out newbies their Adventurer Cards?" I prompted. "Well, I always wondered what made them tick, so I went around asked some…ahem, 'gentlemen' where I could get my hands on one that was unregistered. Once I got it, I disassembled and reassembled it until I got the outer mechanisms figured out. That was the easy part. Figuring out the specific magic behind the actual crystal ball was another story. So blah-blah-blah, long story short, I reversed-engineered this puppy to do THIS!"

I stuck my hand out over the crystal, the gears and rings instantly clicking into position and slowly starting to turn. The needle at the bottom began absorbing energy from the blue orb and projected a thin laser beam at the table's surface. As the device automatically guided the laser, instead of printing out a card, it instead printed out…

"Voilà! instantaneous pudding cup ready to eat!" I exclaimed before swiping the chocolatey nectar and guarding it close to my chest. "That's right, baby, the Jack Meister here converted this bad boy into his very own magic 3D snack printer! Just visualize what you want to stuff your face with and the machine does the rest!"

Unable to wait any longer, I tore off the wrapper like a wild animal and pulled the reserved spoon from out of my pocket. Even though I already had my initial fix after perfecting the device in the beta tests, the dopamine rush still hit strong when my tongue tasted chocolate. "Oh, I mished you sho much~" I murmured to my beloved in-between bites.

"Me next, ME NEXT! Goddesses first!" Aqua crowed, sticking her hand above the crystal to trigger it. She ended up printing a bag of potato chips which she immediately ripped opened and began happily munching away on.

"Wait a minute," Megumin demanded, face all scrunched up and confused. "You took a common magical tool used by guilds across the kingdom and turned it into what is basically an infinite food generator? All by yourself?"

I continued to snack on my life fuel as I cleared some things up with the munchkin. "Pretty much. The only drawbacks are it has to be refueled with potions and the food it spawns is limited to junk food. That last one's less of a drawback though and more of a deliberate design choice on my part; I needed something unhealthy to snack on while I work. Anyway, of course I did it all by myself! I made this lab by myself, you think a magic 3D printer would be a challenge for me? You've seen my Intelligence stat before, you should know I'm a genius by now."

"Jack…do you have any idea what this means?" Darkness asked as she kept shifting her gaze between me and the crystal. "You may very well have found the solution to world hunger. This is incredible! You could become a world famous hero with this!"

"What!?" I screamed after almost choking on my last spoonful. I glanced over at my invention, picking it up and giving it a hard look while mulling over the Crusader's words. "But…I only thought of myself when making this thing. I didn't even consider the potential good it had until you brought it up. Way to put a damper on the evil genius's mood, Dark."

Now dejected, I stored away my snack printer in a drawer in my workbench and propped my head as I leaned over the surface. I sighed before mumbling, "Anyway, that's the end of the tour I guess. Was there anything else you wanted? If not, let one of the GuardBots show you out."

Aqua interrupted whatever Darkness was about to say to me with a, "Oh yeah, that's right, the whole reason I came looking for you!" and pulled out her adventurer card to show to me.

"As of today, I am officially the highest-leveled party member in the group. You may grovel before me now~"

Finding this hard to believe, I leaned in for a closer look and even used the Farsight skill to improve my poor eyesight. Big mistake on my part because the proof was, in fact, in the pudding.

"Level 21!? I thought I was the highest-leveled member in the party! When did this happen!?" In desperation, I turned to my designated pyrotechnic and asked, "Megumin, what Level are you?"

"20," she answered plainly.

Breaking up on the inside, I looked to Darkness and, without me having to ask, she answered. "19."

"So, Jackie Boy, what Level are you at, huh?" Aqua teasingly asked, trying (and succeeding) to provoke me. I grit teeth in frustration, but eventually hung my head in shame to avoid making prolonged human eye contact.

"…14…"

"HAH! I'm higher-leveled than you~!" Aqua gloated in an annoying sing-song voice. "Not like it was much of a surprise but still, how satisfying!"

It's not fair I tell ya, not fair! How did that idiot even managed to earn enough XP to level-up like that!? Were the ghosts she exorcised and Beldia really worth a lot of experience points? I feel like I should've at least received partial credit for the latter! It was my robots and epic basketballs skills that helped take him down! 

After enough patting herself on the back, the bitch suddenly decided to ask what we were all thinking. "Why are you so low-leveled anyway? Shouldn't you be around Dark and Megumin's Level by now?"

"Hmm...it could have something to do with Jack letting his robots kill most of the monsters for him," Megumin openly speculated. "If they don't level-up and neither does he, then it's just wasted XP. Jack, don't you practice with your sword? Have you even gotten around to repairing it?"

"Of course I've already repaired it! And of course I still practice with it…sometimes," I defended, albeit weakly. "A-Anyway, I do gain some XP eating monster meat at the guild. So I am leveling up, just at a slower rate than most..."

"You know, Jack, I'd be more than happy to provide sword-fighting lessons if you'd like," Darkness offered, whom no doubt also had to rely on food rich in XP just to level-up. 

"Thanks, but I actually want to hit my targets…wait – I TAKE IT BACK, STOP!"

Too late, I already triggered the woman's masochism on accident again. Darkness came down with a classic case of the shivers, and she resorted to squeezing herself tightly as she closed her eyes from her own bliss.

"AHN~! No hesitation in the slightest!"

I was not in the mood for confusing feelings right now. I went over to grab my trench coat I had hung up nearby and blurted out, "Welp, this was fun and all, but I'm gonna head out to get some fresh, non-recycled air. Be back soon!"

However, right as my foot made contact with the first step, I suddenly felt a hand place itself on my shoulder. I promptly turned around to find that it belonged to Aqua, who now sported an uncharacteristically serious expression on her face.

"Hold up for a sec, would you kindly?" she calmly stated. "In all of the excitement, I only just now noticed something missing during the tour. The kegs of beer, the bubbly that once lined the shelves...all of it is missing. Where, pray tell, are they exactly?"

Not registering the imminent danger I was in at the time, I answered honestly and casually. "Oh, that stuff? It was cluttering my lair, so I went ahead and sold it for extra money. Worth quite a lot too. I guess discontinued alcohol fetches a pretty eris, heh."

Aqua slowly nodded, taking her hand off my shoulder before saying, "Okay. That's what I thought. Because I'm merciful, I'll be nice and give you a ten second head start. Better make it count."

At first, I didn't know what to make of Aqua when she began counting down from ten. It wasn't until noticing Megumin and Darkness motioning for me to run that it finally clicked in my head and I legged it up the stairs, an angry goddess ready to pass Judgement onto me.

Only until I was certain that I successfully shook Aqua off my tail did I allow myself to relax. I swear, that girl can be just as scary as Wuya sometimes, if not more so! Then again, she is an immortal, and being terrifying does seem to be an immortal's signature MO. So I guess it's just to be expected at this point.

Musings aside, I expertly climbed out of the barrel I was hiding in and went for a midafternoon stroll through downtown Axel. I don't normally like going outside, especially in broad daylight where I'm forced to seek shade, but even I have my limits when it comes to staying indoors 24/7. After a while, you get a little stir crazy being locked inside your own lair and just need a little change in scenery. Or need to get out of the house to avoid having to deal with your horny, hot roommate -

I came to a screeching halt, uncaring of any strange looks the townsfolk were giving me when I did. This was getting ridiculous. Every time I so much as think of that weirdo, I start crushing on her like she were Chase-fucking-Young! This has got to stop and now. The problem is, I don't know how to make it stop or where to even begin for that matter. I just need a sign!

Little did I know that I would get exactly what I asked for in that very moment. It would also go on to mark the beginning of a significant next step in my life, believe it or not.

I noticed something eye-catching and pink in my peripheral vision. Turning my head, I noticed it was a small sign left propped up beside the entrance of a secluded, dark alley. I was curious (and had nothing else planned), so I walked over to it in order to get a closer look.

Welcome to the Dream House, read the sign, followed by a silhouette of a girl with wings and a tail striking a pose lifted straight from a pinup magazine.

Using my Farsight skill, I peeked into the alleyway to find an innocuous set of double doors awaiting me at the very end. Promiscuous flyers also covered the walls around the entrance. I've never been into one personally, but I didn't need any more context clues to identify a strip club when I see one.

"Man of culture as well?"

I nearly had a heart attack before whipping around to face that chump I karate-chopped a while back: Kazuma. He finally ditched that ugly tracksuit and was decked out in a medieval ranger outfit complete with a shoulder length green cloak.

He was also accompanied by…shit, Keith and Dust. I was hoping not to run into them right now, or ever. Given that we're all adventurers, it was inevitable that we'd run into each other again, but still.

"Hey, Jack! Long time no see! How ya been?" Keith greeted with a seemingly friendly attitude. "We're all still cool, right? Last time you were with us, you kinda just ran away before we made it back to town."

"Yeah, why'd why wuss out on my team like that, huh?" Dust, AKA Tomato Boy, challenged. "From what I'm told, it sounded like you didn't do a complete shit job out there, yet you still bailed on them. Did you finally crack under pressure like the whiny baby you are – OW!"

Keith proved to be on my side when he backhanded his partner mid insult. "Dude, shut the fuck up. At least he actually helped us complete our quest. It was a total shitshow for his party the second you linked up with them. Seriously, it's like you have to make everyone's life a living hell."

"I'm telling you, they were the problem, not me!" Dust defended vehemently. "First that bratty Archwizard blew up an empty field and went limp! Then that freaky Crusader willingly threw herself at a wild Beginner's Bane just to get mauled! And the Archpriest? She tripped on a rock and spent the whole day crying about it! I'm telling ya, I have never seen such a dysfunctional party in all my life!"

"Uh-huh, sure, whatever you say," Keith mumbled, obviously not convinced in the slightest. Given my personal experience leading those three knuckleheads, Dust's recount sounded pretty on brand for them.

The two jacket-wearing adventurers argued for a good bit before Kazuma spread his arms out and barked, "Guys, CHILL! I know we have our differences, and we may have done something to piss one another off. But at the end of the day, we're all still guys with needs. That's why we all came to this hallowed ground for one thing and one thing only…"

Keith and Dust stopped fighting and smirked dangerously at one another, along with Kazuma as they all spoke in unison:

"Dream services~"

"Dream services?" I questioned. "What's that?"

The trio of teenagers suddenly dropped their smirks to stare at me funny. It took a solid three seconds for Kazuma to say, "Wait…you mean nobody's told you yet?"

"Told me what?"

With almost no warning, I was pulled into a spontaneous group huddle with these bozos. Kazuma took the lead, "Jack, what we are about to tell you is a trade secret only the men of Axel are allowed to know about."

"With the exception of Taylor who will undoubtedly snitch. Damn prude..." Keith added bitterly, Dust nodding in agreement.

"You must not, under any circumstances, reveal this to any of the girls, least of all the ones in your party," Kazuma said pointedly. "Do you swear to take this secret with you to the grave?"

"I may be a rouge who doesn't play the rules, but even I have enough decency to uphold the Bro Code," I answered, half-joking but also half-serious. "You have my word."

"Good, just wanted to make sure," Kazuma said while looking over to check if anyone was eavesdropping. Once he was done checking, he whispered, "Dust and Keith are the ones who introduced me to this place. Down that alleyway is a shop run entirely by Succubi, and they'll give you the hottest, nastiest, kinkiest dreams imaginable."

Oh…OH.

"Best part is that it's completely free too!" Tomato Boy chimed in. "Instead of paying with money, you pay with only a small amount of your vitality that they take away while you sleep. But don't worry, it's not enough to where it's dangerous or nothin'. I hear it's how they feed."

This...sounded way too good to be true; there had to be some kind of catch. One does not make deals with demons and get away scot-free. I don't trust this for one second!

Before I could excuse myself, however, Kazuma yanked me by the hand and guided me down the alley with the jacket twins blocking my only way out. "I need this, you need this, there's no harm done. Besides, it's a step up from what men like us normally have do to relieve stress."

Wonderful, now I have to purify my hand after this. I'll ask Aqua to do it later assuming she cools down, which admittedly shouldn't take very long. She's proven to be almost as distractible as me on several occasions.

We arrived at the inconspicuous doors at the end of the alleyway, Kazuma opening it and stepping right inside with no fucks given. Dust and Keith followed in his footsteps, leaving me alone to decide whether I dare enter as well.

It took a bit of hyping myself up to do it, but…I walked inside. What've I got to lose, right...?

My teenaged brain went into maximum overdrive the moment I stepped inside the shop. The room was lavish, with cushioned waiting booths lined up in the back and clean couches for a "comfortable" public experience. Even though there weren't many lights, the room had a soft, atmospheric pink afterglow like someone had used photoshop in real life. Light jazz music played from seemingly nowhere, probably the effect of an auditory illusion spell. But the main feature attraction, and the reason why I was sweating profusely, were the Succubi wearing skimpy outfits serving all the men.

I stood stiff (don't say it) as a board and kept my arms glued to my sides. This…was incredible. Really, it was. But it was also nerve-wracking at the same time. This was way, way out of my comfort zone of silly robots and mad science experiments. Sure, I've had my "downtime" like all other guys my age, but this felt like diving straight into the deep end before conquering the shallow end. I'm not sure if I was ready for this yet…

"Ahh, Kazuma, welcome back~! I see you brought along some new friends," said an approaching Succubus with long pink hair and a huge pair weighing her down. "Shall I escort you to your usual booth while we 'take care' of your pals?"

The brown-haired adventurer smiled stupidly and nodded vigorously. As the Succubus walked behind him and gently ushered him elsewhere, she snapped her fingers, summoning three more beautiful Succubi to take me and the jacket duo to separate waiting booths. God, even having their hands on my shoulders was enough to get my heart racing! Was this the power of their aphrodisiac magic!?

As soon as the Succubus guided me to an available booth, I immediately rushed over to sit down, grabbing one of the many assorted pillows and awkwardly placing it atop my lap. The demoness giggled and said she'd be right back to "attend" me before walking away. Now I truly felt stranded.

C'mon, Jack, you're a world conqueror for badness' sake! World conquers shouldn't have mini panic attacks inside a room with half naked women! Pull yourself together, man!

Light snickering coming from my left snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned my head and saw a distinct mohawk poking above the paper screen separating us. No…it couldn't be, could it?

The Mohawk Man peered over the screen and grinned once he noticed me. "Huh, fancy seeing you here. Welcome to the Dream House, my friend. Enjoying the view so far?"

If I weren't already nervous before, I was doubly so now. What was with this guy's interest in me? I get I'm somewhat of a controversial figure in town, but something about him gives me the heebie-jeebies and I don't know why.

Thankfully, I wouldn't have to put up with Mohawk Man for long as he stood up from his booth and prepared to head out. "Well, I'd like to stay and play catch up, but I should get moving. Don't dream anything I wouldn't, tough guy!"

"Uh…wouldn't dream of it," I said lamely.

That got him barreling with laughter as he walked away. "You a funny bastard, you know that!"

I wasn't trying to be funny…

After Mohawk Man stepped out of the picture, the same Succubus who escorted me to my seat came back. Her, um…"main attractions" were still on full display, only barely concealed by her bra and G-string. She then decided to, uh, well...f-fondle herself for me as she spoke.

"Missed me, cutie? I know I did~ I take it this is your first time engaging in our services?"

I didn't know what else to say except for, "…y-yes?"

The Succubus hummed knowingly, "Oh yeah, definitely a newcomer. Let me assure you, honey, you have nothing to be ashamed of for coming here. This is meant to be a place of relaxation after all. So loosen up a little! You look so tense, doll!"

Easy for you to say, lady! Think about how I must feel right now! I've never been into a brothel before. Or a strip house. Or whatever the hell this place is supposed to be! I can't not feel tense just sitting in here!

The hot lady spoke again, "Now, the fine gentlemen you came in with probably already told you about our establishment, but we Succubi have a mutually beneficial relationship with the male adventurers of Axel. You may have noticed that many of the fresh recruits are forced to bunk in stables, yes?"

"I am intimately aware of that, yes," I admitted, biting back an irritated groan at the word I just used. I'm still deciding if I even want to get intimate with sexy dream demons!

"Well, you can imagine how sexually frustrated men can get when they have to sleep right up next to their female partners in enclosed spaces," she went on, never taking her hands off her tits. "Relieving tension can be a very risky business in situations like that. Which is where we come in!"

The Succubus took a break from exploiting herself right in front of me to get a little too up close and personal with my face. "For the small price of a negligible amount of your vitality, we Succubi will provide you that sweet, sweet relief in the safety of your own dreams. And before you ask, the siphoning of your vitality is completely painless and will not negatively impact your overall health. If anything, by the time you wake up, you'll be feeling more refreshed than ever before~"

O-Oh my god...

GET A GRIP ALREADY, SPICER! If you can't handle a couple of pretty faces, how can you expect to rule a planet, huh? Prove that you've got what it takes to be a tyrant and request a lucid wet dream already! There's no shame in it, and what your party doesn't know won't hurt them. You've got nothing to lose expect your virginity...I think. Does it count if it happens in a dream? Probably not.

I was pulled out of my train of thought when I was handed a clipboard with some attached documents. The Succubus winked at me and explained, "All it takes is some light paperwork to have the dream of your life, handsome. If you have any questions about the form, don't be afraid to ask. This is a safe place, after all, so we won't judge."

What's that supposed to mean? Is what I wanted to say but didn't because I lived in fear of the answer I would receive. The less I know about these adventurers' fantasies, the better.

Shuddering at that cursed thought, I channeled my focus into reviewing the contents of the sign-up sheet. There was a wide net of options to choose from and along with some fill-in-the-blanks in case none of the questions appealed to my tastes. As for the questions themselves, they ranged from what I wanted to look like in my dream to my ideal setting for the "magic" to happen. There was even a checkbox I could tick for what age and gender I wanted to be! It was wild!

Well...if I was going to go through with this, I'd be fine with just being myself, obviously. Actually, no, scratch that. Since this is a dream, I'd want to be the ruler of the world and have a big, futuristic castle overlooking a barren wasteland ripe for expansion! Oh - and my bedroom would be this super dark shade of red that I could actually tell was red and have melted candlesticks like in those romance novels single mothers read! Yeah, and as for my partner - !

I took a break from looking down at the paper to blink my burning eyes. I didn't even realize I was in the zone writing. Was...was I actually going through with this? It all came so naturally to me. Maybe even a little too naturally. I guess having only a limited access to the internet back on Earth has left me a bit...unfulfilled in certain needs.

"Everything alright, hon?" The Succubus asked in a sultry tone.

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Just...deciding..." I embarrassingly admitted.

She giggled, "Perfectly understandable. This must be a lot for you to take in all at once. But please, don't be pressured. Take your time in detailing your ideal dream scenario. Can't rush perfection as you humans say~"

I nodded as I stared back down at my paper. Looks like I really was going through with this. It'd look weird if I backed out now; every guy in town will probably judge me for it till the day I rule the world. Might as well make the most out of the situation.

But as for my dream partner...who did I want it to be? First person that comes to mind is Chase Young; he was my biggest crush for the longest time. But, like milk, my feelings for him have soured over the years, and I think I'd rather keep moving on without him weighing down my thoughts. He was simply no longer worth it in my eyes...

There was always Kimiko I guess. I did kinda have a thing for her before I got to meet and work with Chase in-person. She's feisty, tech-savvy, and can kick butt! Although it was usually my butt she kicked. And she was also the most vocal of the monks when it came to belittling me. Yeah...the more I think about it, the more I realize she wasn't who I wanted in my Succubus dream either. Much like with Chase, it was best to simply forget about her along with the others.

But then what about…Darkness? I know it sounds super weird given that she's my teammate and all, but to be fair she's weird herself. Besides, I'm the bad guy here, why should I have to abide by morals? Not that there's anything inherently wrong with having a wet dream about someone you think is hot. Still, I'm a villain, fuck you anyway.

Dodging my guilty conscience aside, this was possibly a chance to maybe lift some weight off my shoulders. If I indulge just this once and request a sexy fun dream starring Darkness, perhaps I can finally lay this stupid crush to rest. I don't want to keep pining over people I have zero chances with, I learned that lesson the hard way. So maybe, just maybe, if I do this...I can finally have my cake and eat it too.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I have a hard time looking at one of my party members for a while? A week or two holed up in my new lab ought to remedy that. Succubus shop, do yo thang!

After I finished writing down my specifications and signing my initials on the dotted line (but not before reading the fine print), I handed the forms back to the Succubus who had been patiently standing before me the whole time.

"Thank you so much for choosing to engage in our services, cutie!" gushed the demoness on a sickeningly sweet voice. "Before you go, just remember one thing: no alcohol tonight. We Succubi can't enter your dreams while your loaded, so stay away from that bottle! You hear?"

"That won't be a problem," I stated casually. "I'm more of a soda jerk than a booze guy. Consider me completely sober!"

It was dusk by the time I made it back to Spicer Mansion II. After signing off the forms to spiritual adulthood, I spent the rest of the day walking around the entire perimeter of Axel. Twice.

Even though I was going to get laid in my dreams later tonight, it still left me to grapple with the implications that came with it. Like, if it's a real life girl entering my dream to have sex with me, would that technically make me a half-virgin? Would it feel as real as the Succubus said it would? Would I need new bedsheets by tomorrow morning? I'm really hoping that last one turns out to be a hard no.

I don't even know why I'm so hung up about this. I should be jumping for joy about a guaranteed lucid sex dream featuring Darkness! This was my chance to safely "let off some steam" and carry on without the burden of a one-sided puppy crush. So why did I have a sinking feeling in my gut? Maybe it's last minute jitters or something…Yeah, let's go with that.

Shaking off my random bout of paranoia, I made a brisk jog up to my front doorstep. Upon letting myself in, was immediately greeted by one of my trusted creations.

"Welcome home, Master!" chirped the JackBot. "Shall I take your coat?"

I allowed myself a small smile and slid off my trench coat. I can always count on robots to help calm my nerves. "Thanks, man. Owe you one."

"Just doing my job, sir," the bot insisted as he grasped my coat in his claws. "Also, I should inform you that your associates wish to see you in the living room. They've prepared a surprise and are waiting on you to initiate it."

The robot retreated into the bowels of the mansion, leaving me to wonder what exactly the girls had in store. Slightly fearful of the potential horrors they could've made all by themselves, I made a beeline for the living room. After a few twists and turns, I finally found my way to the threshold and spotted the girls chatting it up at the dinner table in their jammies. Laid out in front of them was an assortment of plates, silverware, and what had to be the surprise the JackBot alluded to: steamed crab.

Aqua was the first to take notice of my presence and she excitedly waved me over. Seemed the scatterbrain forgot she was supposed to be hunting me down.

"There you are, Jack! About time you brought your slow butt back home!" Aqua playfully mocked, taking two pincers from one of the crabs and moving them around. "Tonight, we dine like kings! Big ol' pinchy crabbies!"

"Father sent me these marbled red crabs as a sort of housewarming gift," Darkness explained as a WaiterBot set the table with large, dark-colored bottles that clearly grabbed Aqua's attention. "I thought it was only customary to share this meal with my fellow teammates."

Megumin stood up from her chair and pumped herself up by declaring, "This day will mark not just the first time I get to have food this fancy, but also the first alcoholic drink I get to have with it! THANK YOOOOU, DARKNEEEESS!"

"Remember: only a small cup," Darkness stressed as she helped WaiterBot with the drinks. "I don't wish to see you become addicted to this stuff. Like Aqua..."

"I still think you should cut her a little more slack, Darkness," Aqua dumbly insisted as she grabbed one of the bottles with glee. "Especially when we're dealing with grade A, top-of-the-shelf, hardcore liquor. The best of the best~"

The hopeless drinker broke out of her trance to suddenly glare daggers my way. "At least I can get my fill for the night, no thanks to a certain someone who thought it would be a great idea to sell all the wine we had in the cellar."

"You have an alcohol problem…"

Aqua's glare briefly intensified. But she quickly shook her head and went back to smiling sweetly at her drink. As long as she's through with chasing me around town, I guess I couldn't care less about what substance she abuses.

"So, I take it marbled red crab is pretty tasty, huh?" I asked Megumin. "It must be if you're this excited about it."

The little kid looked me square in the eye and, with a totally straight face, said, "If you told me I could eat it so long as I go a day without Explosion, I would gladly gorge myself and unleash the biggest Explosion the very next day in an orgasmic release."

Christ Almighty, what was with this girl and sexual innuendos!? I get "Explosion" as a term is relatively easy to make sex jokes out of, but this was getting ridiculous! I'd rather get through dinner without having perverted thoughts clogging up the brain.

Well…at least until I go to bed, that is…

"So of course marbled red crab is good, dummy!" Megumin chirped as she hoped back into her seat, her normal youthful demeanor thankfully returning. "Try some, help yourself, there's plenty to go around!"

Cracking open a leg, the Crimson Demon carefully pulled out a tender piece of crab meat from its shell and dunked it in a cup of melted butter. She brought the soaking seafood into her mouth and took a small bite out of it. That small bite soon turned into a huge-ass chomp as she scarfed the whole thing down, humming in satisfaction.

"Hold on, lemme get some!" Aqua blurted out. The second she was done pouring herself a drink, she reached over the table and plucked herself a leg. Just like Megumin, she cracked it open and dipped the meat into a cup of melted butter. Unlike Megumin, instead of starting off with a small bite, she shoved the whole thing in her mouth. The Archpriest sighed in delight once she finished swallowing it down. "Sho gud~"

Seeing as how two of the three ladies had already given the meal glowing reviews, I tore off a leg for myself. I attempted to crack the shell open to free the meaty goodness within, but all I got were sore palms from gripping the leg tightly. I stopped to catch my breath and strength before going at it a second time. My arms vibrated, and I felt my eyeballs bulge out of their sockets as I tried my hardest to BREAK. OPEN. THE. LEG!

With a delayed reaction, I froze in surprise when a hand from my left quietly took the crab leg I was struggling with. It was Darkness, shooting me an admittedly beautiful smile as she gracefully cracked the leg open for me.

"It looked like you were having some difficulty, so I thought I'd lend a hand," she whispered, with no hint of mockery in her soft tone. Dark then proceeded to hand me back my food as she added, "All you have to do is ask next time. Alright?"

Great, now I feel like a horndog after what I signed myself up for. Dammit...

Forget it, Jack. Just enjoy your fancy seafood and don't dwell on it too much. Think of it like death: it'll happen when it happens and there's no sense worrying about it else you'll be miserable. Not really sure that was the best analogy to use given my particular circumstances, but whatever.

I dipped the crab meat in butter and popped it in my mouth. It was pretty good alright. Coming from a wealthy family, I was no stranger to eating high-class meals with my folks on the rare occasions they took me out to dinner with them. I'm personally more of a fast food kind of teenager, but I like having full-course meals like this every now and again. Dark's parents must be fairly well-off if they could afford and ship a meal of this caliber.

In fact, I even joked about this to her while Megumin took a taste test of her liquor with Aqua. But instead of getting "flustered" like usual, Darkness almost seemed to disregard it entirely.

"They don't normally do this sort of thing," she stated plainly. "It's just a special occasion, nothing more."

Huh, odd. That's the exact kind of dismissal I pull off whenever I'm trying to hide something. Hmm.

Well, whatever that was about, it wasn't high on my priority list, so I dropped it. Perfect timing too because Aqua suddenly whipped out a crude, portable stovetop that only someone in medieval times could come up with and asked me to light it up for her. "I wanna show you all a delicious and creative way to eat crab!" she said.

Thinking nothing of it, I pointed my index at the base of the stove and cast Tinder, sparking a small, controlled flame at the burner. Once the fire got started, Aqua garnered our attention using her own brand of flair.

"Watch the pro do her thing, everyone! First, you'll want to take an empty shell and fill it with loose crab guts."

The water goddess proceeded to lay down strips of meat into an empty, bowl-shaped shell that was once a crab's head.

"Next, let the meat soak in a broth of only the best liquor available!"

Sure enough, Aqua poured some of her drink into the shell and gently stirred it up with her fork, cutting the meat pieces into chunks in the process. I couldn't help but notice how seemingly invested Darkness and Megumin were as their wide eyes stared intently at Aqua's little cooking experiment. Can't say I truly blame them. Watching her was like watching a drunk, female Gordon Ramsay prepping an improvised masterpiece right in front of us.

"Now we just set the bowl above the grill to boil!" Aqua continued to explain while doing just that. We all leaned in with an odd sense of fascination as we watched the alcoholic soup bubble up and cook the meat even further.

After it started to get steamy, Aqua carefully lifted the crab shell up off the stove, proclaiming, "Voilà! You have my own specialty: Aqua's Shellfish Drink! Sip and enjoy!"

Well, I gotta admit, it's a fitting name for someone like her to come up with. Wonder if she even recognizes the irony in it. Probably not.

After watching Aqua take a big swig of her crab-soup-thing and relishing in its taste (likely a result of the alcohol finally taking over), the other two girls immediately went to work replicating the steps. Megumin had to use up most of her one and only drink to make it, but she seemed willing enough to make that sacrifice. I guess that was proof enough that the kid really enjoyed her first taste of alcohol. Good for her I guess.

As I continued to quietly eat my crab, a very large bottle appeared before me, making stop mid-bite. I turned my head to find it was Darkness offering me the liquor.

"I noticed you have yet to pour yourself a drink," she pointed out. "Would you like some? We have a full crate of these to spare, so there's no need to ration it out with the rest of us. Tonight is a night celebrating comradery!"

Slowly finishing the bite I was in the middle of working on, I swallowed my food nervously before saying, "Uh, that's alright, Dark. I don't really drink alcohol."

"You don' drink WHAT!?" screamed a now tipsy Aqua. She had this look on her face like she just found out her whole family was murdered and was only now being told about it. Slamming down her own drink, the drunkard poured herself another glass before holding it out to me, nearly spilling it in the process. "That changes now! Drink up, Jackie! This has been a long time comin'."

"Aqua! He doesn't have to drink if he doesn't want to," Darkness scolded while removing the glass from her hand. "It's his choice in life not to have alcohol and you should respect that."

Great, there she goes making me feel unintentionally guilty about today's decisions again. It's kind of hard to look forward to sexy dream night when the object of my desires is defending me from Aqua and her shenanigans. UGH! Why did I let those horny idiots rope me into this!?

"But…but no drinky alcohol is absurd..." Aqua murmured mostly to herself before addressing me more directly. "Jack, tell me you've at least tried it before. You owe me that much!"

I answered honestly, "Nope, never had a drop. Cola has always been my go-to drink. I'll gladly take caffeine over alcohol any day."

"So you've never once been curious about what it's like?" Megumin questioned incredulously, flat-out ignoring Aqua's existential crisis right beside her. "I've been dying to try it for years. And now that I have, I'm not disappointed; it's actually really good! Are you sure you don't wanna try a sip?"

I was about to reiterate my earlier stance out of sheer exasperation when Aqua suddenly piped up, "Oh, I think I get it! I bet he's too scared to try it because he's a big old chicken who don't got the guts to expand his pallet! We've all seen him get cold feet during battle, that must be what's goin' on here! Heh, classic Jack, always the scaredy cat~"

"Okay, FINE! I'll try the damn liquor! Gimme that glass!"

In a bold move on my part, I snatched the glass Darkness had taken away from Aqua and chugged it just to prove that goddess has-been wrong. At the time, I figured I could get away with only one glass. The Succubus explicitly said not to get loaded on alcohol, nothing about having a single glass. I'd have my little taste test, never touch the stuff again, and for once enjoy going to bed. Simple.

What wasn't simple was actually drinking the liquor itself.

The liquid went down my throat like acid. I resisted the urge to gag and bang the table with my fist, forcing myself to gulp the rest down. Eventually, I was able to swallow it and I practically had to gasp for air as soon as I did. I knew I had a good reason for avoiding that junk! And Aqua drinks crap like that on the regular!? BLAGH!

"I take it you're not a fan?" Megumin asked rhetorically.

"Of course not!" I coughed, rubbing my throat as if it make it feel any better. "That shit was nasty!"

"HEY! That liquor is of sophisticated taste!" Aqua defended with real heat. "Your normie, mortal tongue isn't refined enough to enjoy it like my holy tongue."

"Yeah, well, my consensus is that it belongs in a toxic waste dump," I bitterly replied while shoving the empty glass away. "Drink it till you puke rainbows for all I care, just leave me out of it. You couldn't pay me to drink more of that."

"Oh, is that a bet?" Aqua challenged, a smug smirk forming on her lips. "Let's say you were brave enough to finish another glass. I'll give you my entire cut on the next quest that we complete. But that'll never happen cuz I know you won't do it~"

I crossed my arms and gave her the evil eye. "And what's to stop you from changing your mind at the last minute? Hypothetically, that is."

"Megumin and Darkness," she answered. "They'd be witnesses. If I try to back out, they'll be there to make sure I follow through with my word. Isn't that right, girls?"

Both ladies nodded, leaving me to weigh my options. Should I take the risk of possibly getting drunk and having to choke down more liquor for free money? Or do I walk away with my head held high and be rewarded with a fun dream later on tonight?

…Two glasses and no more. Not that'd I'd want to drink anymore of that crude than I have to. I'm only doing it for the extra dough. And to stick it to that snobby immortal.

"Darkness, hand me that bottle."

"Ooough…"

The first thing that registered in my head was just how much my head actually hurt. I've had some pretty intense headaches before (most of which were caused by Wuya's screeching), but the one I was feeling now was unlike any other. Not only that, but I felt groggy and sick, like on the verge of throwing up. I couldn't even sit up without the whole room spinning, it was that bad.

After what may have been an hour of simply laying where I was, groaning, I eventually willed myself to sit up. I did so, slowly, and was rewarded with not feeling like I wanted to hose down the living room in vomit.

Wait…the living room?

Once the blurring, intense colors of the world finally stopped hurting my eyes, I could see that I was, in fact, still in the living room. I've been laying on the couch the whole time. Looking out the windows, I put a hand up close to my eyes when the morning sunlight nearly blinded my retinas.

But hang on…wouldn't sunlight mean I slept through the night? Oh no, I can't remember anything from last night! What the hell happened!? What about the dream!?

"Oh, good. You're up."

The sound of Darkness's voice startled me. For a nanosecond, I thought this was actually the start of the dream. That illusion was shattered when I noticed Aqua and Megumin accompanying her. The former held a cup of water in her hands while the latter held out a small mound of some kind of powder on a napkin before carefully dumping it into the water.

"Here, you'll wanna drink this," Aqua said as she handed me the cup. "It's an herbal substance that helps with hangovers. Go on, buddy, drink up."

Despite the dubious substance the girls spiked my water with, It did make me realize then and there just how damn thirsty I was. I greedily gulped it all down with no problems. Of course, I already felt the strong urge to pee soon after I woke up, but I'd just have to hold it in the meantime; any sudden movements and there could be crab spewed all over the carpets.

"What happened last night?" I weakly groaned, setting aside the cup to rub my temples. "You said something about hangovers? That would mean I had too much to drink, yeah? But I only had two glasses…"

Aqua poked her index fingers together for a bit before answering. "Yeah, about that…you had a little more than just two glasses last night."

"We all got kinda drunk during last night's dinner party," Megumin elaborated, scratching the back of her neck in an embarrassed way. "Aqua drank like she normally did while Darkness had a few bottles too many. As for me, well...pretty sure I smuggled a bottle when everyone else started to get inebriated."

"I knew allowing you even a small cup was a bad idea..." Darkness sighed wearily at Megumin before taking a seat next to me on the couch. "After you took Aqua's bet, you started to get a bit more daring with the liquor, claiming it wasn't so bad after the second taste. That's when the alcohol's effects must've kicked in and you began helping yourself to some more."

So…I actually did it then. I got drunk for the first time in my life and got my first ever hangover. But at the cost of missing my Succubus dream…

I know should be mad at myself, but honestly? Part of me was kinda glad I dodged it. I don't think I was ready for something intense like that. If anything, it probably would've only made things more awkward between me and Darkness. Maybe getting too drunk for REM-sleep was for the better in the end.

But hey, at least I can confidently say I got drunk before. Can finally scratch that off the old "things-to-do-as-a-teenager" bucket list. Now to never do it again. 

"There's just one thing I don't understand," I said to everyone. "How do you all remember any of this? I can hardly recall a thing from last night."

For some reason, the girls glanced at one another in an odd way. Suddenly, it seemed as though there was something important at the forefront of their minds.

"One of your robots filmed most of the event and already showed it to us," Aqua answered slowly, like she was trying to be careful about what she said. "That's how we remembered what happened."

Of course, as soon as she finished explaining, the robot she claimed filmed our drunken mishap entered the living room. No surprise, it was one of my newly built CameraBots, complete with his metallic director's cap and vintage movie camera with the little film reels on top. Somehow I knew my love for cinematography would come back to bite me in the ass.

"Oh, Spielberg, why?" I asked the bot. "Why would you do me dirty like that?"

CB-5P13LB3R6 responded with, "You said you wanted a blooper reel for your world domination movie. I thought it'd make for a funny highlight, so I filmed you getting drunk for the first time."

I sighed in defeat, clearly remembering talking about my want for a blooper reel to the CameraBots. All the best movies had outtakes and funny behind-the-scenes featurettes, so of course I wanted that for my film project. I only have myself to blame here.

"Yeah, I did say that, didn't I? Alright, fair enough. Go ahead and roll the film for me, would ya? Might as well learn to laugh at myself."

With due diligence, the bot aimed his camera at a blank wall and projected the film onto it. We all watched what Spielberg filmed last night and…wow. The girls were right, we really were drunk off our asses.

Case in point, I was doing and saying all sorts of embarrassing things that I refuse to go into detail. You'll just have to use your imagination, sorry-not-sorry. What I will say is I apparently had no problems with getting real chummy with my teammates while under the influence. Drunk Jack was draping his arms around them, hugging them, and just having no sense of personal space in general. I guess this was documented proof that I'm a "happy drunk" whenever I'm loaded up on alcohol (which was a total 180 from what I expected myself to be when intoxicated).

As embarrassing as it was to watch, I did admit it was kinda funny in a surreal sense. Drunk Jack was sort of like a less cringey version of Good Jack, my disgustingly friendly alter ego. He also seemed to get along much better with Drunk Aqua in the film. I even caught myself chuckling a little during the runtime, but noticed the others weren't so much as snickering. I wondered why that was until the last scene played out, and their behavior started to make sense.

In the film, I had suddenly started to get all teary-eyed and emotional, with the drunken ladies getting worried and asking me what was wrong. Then, with zero self-control, I let THIS slip out:

"Is jus'…I just…shit, I'm sorry guys. I wanna like you, I really do. I-I wanna get *hic* close to ya, make connections, all that good stuff, y'know? But like…I'm scared, y'know? I'm scared of opening myself up again, so I keep you all in the dark about *hic* 'bout how I'm really feelin' and I just…I dunno, I needed to get that off mah chest…Hey M-Bomb, there any more o' dat liq-liq-uh, adult juice stuff?"

Then the projection faded, leaving me in a tense situation I was woefully unprepared for. One by one, the girls looked at me, and I felt like a wild animal backed into a corner. How could two glasses of liquor lead to something like this!? This was supposed to be a fun night for me for fuck's sake!

"Jack…" Darkness calmly started. "Is this true? Did you really mean what you said in that illusion back there? Because it sounded like more than just drunk ramblings..."

My heart was threatening to jump out of my chest when Megumin and Aqua closed in on me, kneeling down to level with my eyes. Darkness putting her hand on my lap didn't help things either. All I really wanted to do was to scream as loud as I could until everything magically went back to normal. But I knew that was only wishful thinking on my part.

"…I -"

Whatever I was about to say got cut off by the sound of…warning sirens?

"DESTROYER INBOUND! DESTROYER INBOUND!" blared the woman's voice over the town's PA system. "THE MOBILE FORTRESS DESTROYER IS ON ITS WAY!"

Chapter Text

"Alert! Alert! The Mobile Fortress Destroyer is on the move! All able-bodied adventurers report to the guild immediately! All civilians evacuate the Axel now!"

For a second that seemed to stretch on for a solid minute, my party and I looked at each other in surprise. I was still sitting on the couch ready to have a heart attack over my secrets being spilled when I got saved by the bell. Or, rather, the town's emergency PA system. Believe me when I say I'd much rather deal with an invasion than talk about my feelings with these girls. Though something tells me I won't be getting out of that so easily…

Darkness quickly sprang up from her seat next to me, going into serious knight mode without skipping a beat. "Let's go, everyone grab your gear. We're heading to the guild."

"Are you kidding!?" Aqua exclaimed. "We should be packing our bags and leaving town before it gets hit by the Destroyer! Staying would be suicide!"

"As adventurers, we took an oath to protect the weak and uphold law and order," Darkness argued back calmly. If I wasn't plagued with anxiety and also weren't a villain, I probably would've considered her pretty badass right now. "That goes doubly so for us Crusaders. I will not force you to go against your will. However, if you value your integrity, you'll come…"

I still knew next to nothing about this Destroyer thing, so I guess I'll tag along. If only to find out what it even is.

Megumin, for the second time since I've known her, looked apprehensive at best. She fidgeted with her staff for a bit before a look of resolve crossed her face and she put on her eyepatch. "A Crimson Demon never backs down, even against insurmountable odds! Let's go!"

That just left one self-proclaimed goddess. Aqua glanced from side to side, as if looking for some imaginary friend to back her up. The rest of us waited impatiently for her to decide. Surprisingly enough, she didn't wuss out on us like I had predicted and instead chose to stand by us.

"I still think you're all crazy not to leave," Aqua said, slight irritation creeping into her tone. "But then again…we're not exactly a normal team, are we?"

Darkness simply nodded with a small smile, taking Aqua's reluctant acceptance as a good enough answer. This was all getting a little too heroic for my taste. I'm only really interested in protecting my home, thank you. After all, I just waxed the floors in my evil lair. You think I'm gonna let all that effort go to waste by skipping town at the first sign of danger? Hell no! I'm chicken but not that chicken.

Dark's smile soon faded and was replaced by her stoic resting face. "Alright, we've wasted enough time as is. To the guild, people, let's go already!"

Boy, she sure can be serious when she wants to. Humans are a weird. Now robots, those guys are easy to understand!

Factually obvious statements aside, we all rushed to grab our gear and run out the door. As I was slipping on my trench coat, Darkness briskly brushed past me, but not before saying something which filled me with a fresh new wave of dread.

"Once matters have been settled with the Destroyer, we're going to have a team meeting regarding your concerns with us. Don't forget now, alright?"

Yup, called it. Fuck, I knew I wasn't out of the woods yet! My only hope now is that everyone gets too tired afterward to remember the meeting and they all go straight to bed. I still need more time to think about what I was going to do!

Once we were all geared up, the girls charged out the door while I deliberately lagged behind in a slow jog. Now that they know how I really feel about them, I'm finding it uneasy to be around them at the moment. I've already sent a private message to Spielberg the CameraBot to burn the incriminating reels, but the damage has been done. I don't know what this'll mean for us going forward, but I doubt it'll be anything good.

And by good, I mean…you should know what I mean by now.

As the girls and I made our way over to the Adventurer's Guild, I got to see the locals freaking out. They were hauling ass and hauling bags as they scurried like directionless ants. There were some town guards trying to keep an orderly line forming, but many impatient people ignored them and attempted to make a break for it on their own. And then there was the expected talk about the "Destroyer" and how it's "gonna level the place" among all the panicked screams.

For as increasingly anxious as I was about the whole ordeal, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a tiny bit envious. If some walking castle (that's what I'm assuming the Destroyer was) can shake the locals up this badly, then what the hell have I been doing for almost half a year? What a load of dookie…

Eventually, we arrived at the guild along with a couple of reluctant stragglers. When we got inside, the tense atmosphere was practically palpable. What was once a laid-back hub to hang out in felt more comparable to that of a war room. With each passing second, I was regretting coming along more and more. Combine that with my earlier fears of having my innermost thoughts being exposed and Jack Spicer was not a happy camper right now.

Once we linked up with the murmuring crowd of restless adventurers, Luna stepped forward and began to address us.

"Thank you all so much for coming. You are our town's first, last, and only line of defense. I cannot express how thankful I am that you would put your lives on the line for us all."

Get me out of this draft! I'm too young and pretty to die twice!

A random guild staff member stepped beside Luna holding some kind of crystal ball. "Our Intel shows the Mobile Fortress Destroyer is approaching from the northwest. Axel stands directly in its path. By our projections, it will be at our walls within the hour…"

The crystal ball the employee was holding began to show an image. I and many others had to lean in to get a decent view of what it was showing us. At first, all it showed was an empty grass field. The only other detail of note was the odd circles of dead grass dotting the plain. They were clean-cut tracks, man-made in nature. Not all that surprising really, I didn't think something called a "Mobile Fortress Destroyer" would be anything natural. But that still didn't tell me much about it.

Until the spindly, mechanical legs came into view.

My heart skipped a beat and my mind went into overdrive when the crystal ball zoomed out to reveal more. I saw seven glassy eyes with what appeared to be strings of binary code dancing across each one. The black sphere that was its "head" was probably around 45 feet in diameter at the smallest and sported some protrusions on the front that looked distinctly like…like mandibles.

The body and butt of the thing I'd say were around 100 feet wide and 130 feet tall. Those goddamn creepy-crawly legs could've been anywhere from 260 to possibly even 390 feet in length as they carried the fucking thing across the field. Exhaust ports bellowed out smoke from behind while automated laser turrets fried at birds unlucky enough to fly too close to it. The feed of the crystal ball also happened to cut out around that time too.

Okay...so two things to note.

One, why the FUCK was it shaped like a spider!? After nearly getting eaten by giant spiders back home, I've had the worst case of arachnophobia. There's a reason I discontinued the SpiderBot line; I couldn't bear to look at my own creations without breaking out into a sweat and shaking uncontrollably. That incident really messed me up.

Two, the Destroyer wasn't a magical walking castle like I had thought. It was very clearly a weaponized mech. Even if I wasn't deathly afraid of spiders, that alone was cause for alarm. Up until now, I've been operating under the assumption that I was the only one in the Fantasy World who possessed knowledge of robotics. It was the one domain I could confidently call my own and no one else's, my special place...

So imagine my distraught when someone else's technological terror comes bursting in to hand me a reality check! I thought my scientific knowhow made me unique around here, but I guess not apparently! I can never have things my way!

Ugh…anyway, one question remains: who's the smarty-pants that made the Destroyer in the first place? All I know is it has to be someone who reincarnated from Earth. That thing's way too advanced for these backwater yokels to invent all by themselves without magic. If the most complex invention they can create that doesn't involve the occult is a PA system, then there's no way that walker is local tech.

"Hey!"

"AH!"

I got spooked when something poked at my arm, and I still had spiders on the brain so I assumed the worst. Turns out it was just Chris trying to get my attention.

"Whoa, easy there, Jumpy!" she said while quickly retracting her hands. "Didn't mean to scare ya. I get things are tense right now, but I was gonna ask if you happened to have any ideas rolling around in that head of yours."

Just then, Kazuma stepped out from the sea of adventurers, alongside his timid partner in crime. "Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, you're the only one in town who knows his way around machines. And since that Destroyer thing is a giant mecha of all things, there's really is no one else who's more qualified."

Great, now all eyes were on me, including my teammates'. I was hoping that the less they acknowledge my existence, the more likely they might forget about the team meeting later. 

Well, no use in crying over spilled milk. Better put my evil intellect to work and come up with a plan to stop the Destroyer. However…with everyone in the guild making a conscious effort to stare at me, my irrational fear of spiders still in effect, and this morning's anxieties still fresh in my mind, I was drawing a blank. Still, I had to get something out for the public, so I winged it.

"Okay, hear me out: what if we get a really long rope and set it up so that when the Destroyer comes along, it trips over it and breaks on impact?"

The silence that followed was deafening. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to shrink down and live the rest of my second life in the nearest mouse hole. Too bad I didn't have the Changing Chopsticks on me when I died in Hong Kong.

"You've got to be kidding!" Kazuma exclaimed, angrily jabbing a finger in my direction. "All this talk about you being a 'genius' and THAT'S what you come up with!? Were you dropped on your head just this morning!?"

"B-But it worked in Empire Strikes Back, didn't it?" I defended meekly. "That's gotta count for something..."

"That was a MOVIE, you dumb Westerner!" the fuming Japanese teenager shot back. "You can build honest-to-god robots but you can't come up with a plan that isn't based on something you saw in fiction? Unbelievable!"

Now officially miffed, Kazuma turned back around to the crowd of adventurers and asked, "Does anyone else have any ideas? Or how about some more info on the Destroyer? The more we know about what we're going up against, the better."

Dang, getting disregarded just like that? Today was not my A-game...

A random mage hesitantly stepped forward from the crowd. "W-Well, I heard it was once developed by a distinguished savant from a kingdom with advanced magical technology; Noise, I believe it was called. Maybe we could find a way to contact the head researcher somehow?"

"I'm afraid that won't be possible," Yunyun (of all people) adamantly stated. "I read up on the fall of Noise back in Crimson Demon Academy. While the exact details are lost to time, it was documented that when the Destroyer was first switched on, its creators were the first to die…"

Okay, time out! The fuck was this about a technologically advanced kingdom? I'm still a little behind on fully incorporating magic into my tech, so the idea a whole kingdom already beat me to it was both terrifying and enviable!

If what Yunyun read was accurate, it thankfully sounds like the Noise Kingdom was wiped off the map when the Destroyer came online. So that's one potential threat out of the way at least. Maybe I should visit the ruins one day and see if I can salvage anything worthwhile. That'd be a fun vacation!

Anyway, if there's even a chance this head researcher guy survived, he's gonna wish he hadn't! This world ain't big enough for two evil conquers! I oughta squish his spider mech with the boot of my own mech! That'd teach him...

Wait, that's it! I'll just do exactly that! Why didn't I think of the idea sooner…? Oh, right, because the JackMech is still being worked. Not only that, but I don't think it's beefy enough for a direct confrontation with the Destroyer either.

Well…any idea is better than no idea.

"Hey, uh, I actually have another idea?" I said carefully, not fully realizing I was raising my hand while doing so. Damn school instincts kicking in.

"Oh great," Kazuma groaned irritably. "Is it based on something else you saw from a movie or TV show?"

"Wow, you are never going to let me live that down, are you?" I snapped lightly, immediately carrying on before he had a chance to reply with backsass of his own. "No, it's not. This idea is a lot more feasible, albeit a little shaky."

Kazuma raised an eyebrow and slowly crossed his arms while continuing to give me the stink eye. "This had better not be a waste of time…"

Once again, I felt all judgmental eyes on me again. I swallowed nervously as I began to explain my new plan.

"I didn't want to reveal one of my cards so soon like this but…desperate times call for desperate measures. I've been working on a mech of my own."

Kazuma's eyes widened. There was confused murmuring coming from the crowd of adventurers behind him. Figures only the Japanese kid would know what a mech was while the rest didn't have a clue. He always struck me as an Evangelion fanboy.

"Hang on, are you talking about that giant metal statue of yourself you showed us the other day?" Megumin suddenly questioned.

"That's the one," I answered dismissively without looking back at her (didn't want to risk losing my flow). "Granted, it's not exactly...complete yet in terms of construction. But I'm pretty sure it's stable enough for me to pilot without too much trouble. I know this may not sound like my best sales pitch here, but we kinda need to pull out all the stops if we want to have a shot at surviving. And what better way to do that than to fight fire with fire!"

For once, Kazuma didn't give me any unnecessary lip service. In fact, he actually seemed to be considering my proposition! He didn't know it, but that alone gave me some much needed confidence in my own half-baked idea. Like I said, desperate times call for desperate measures.

But as Kazuma was rubbing his chin in contemplation, a buff adventurer with a horned mask spoke up from within the crowd. "Fat load o' good a giant tin man can do against the Destroyah's magic shield! There hasn't been a single adventurer powerful enough to break through its defenses!"

"I can dispel its shield."

Everyone, including me, looked over to Aqua. She blinked for a moment and gazed curiously at her onlookers before shrugging indifferently.

"Well, I'm pretty sure I can, anyway. Did you all forget how amazing my stats were when I first joined the guild? They were nearly maxed out, even from the start! And I've only grown stronger since then!"

The rest of the adventurers all scratched their heads like a bunch of baboons as they basically reaffirmed what we already knew: that Aqua was the first guild member to start off with an advanced class and has great stats and blah-blah-blah. We get it, guys, so quit rubbing it in my face! It's hard enough trying to repress that memory without my own teammate bringing it up every five minutes on her own time.

"Yeah, and not only that, but we also got our ace-in-the-hole in case things get dicey!" added Keith, who I failed to realize was close beside me along with Tomato Boy. "Y'know, Crazy Boom Girl?"

"Assuming she isn't crazy enough to cast Explosion prematurely, I guess she could be our trump card…" Dust grumbled loudly.

"Hey, I have a real name you know!" Megumin shouted. "Call me crazy one more time and I'll blow you all up, got it!?"

Spoken like a non-crazy person.

Just then, a familiar voice rang out through the crowd as she attempted to sidestep into view. What the heck was Wiz doing here?

"Excuse me! Sorry I'm late everyone!" said the Lich incognito once she successfully parted the sea of bodies around her. "Um…hi! For those who don't know, I'm Wiz, owner of the local magic shop down the street. While I may be retired, I am a registered adventurer and thought I could offer some assistance."

Surprisingly, Wiz was met with ecstatic cheering from the whole guild, leaving me to wonder what all the hype was about.

I asked Keith and Dust, "Yo, is Wiz supposed to be famous or something?" Despite still being uncomfortable around them, I was more uncomfortable with my own party at the moment, so I confided in them for the time being.

That decision was immediately tested when Tomato Boy decided to get snippy with me again. "Have you been living under a rock? Everyone knows Wiz had a reputation for being a tough-ass chick back in her adventuring days. What backwater village did you come from?"

Your whole world is a backwater village you little - !

Keith cut me off from my mental rant as he said, "Just ignore him. But yeah, Wiz was renowned for being one of this guild's best adventurers. She was infamous for her powerful Ice Magic and matching cold attitude. Used to go by the nickname, 'Ice Witch'."

Really? That bouncy marshmallow used to be a stone-cold adventurer before she became a Lich? Color me intrigued. Now I actually was kind of interested in learning more about her. Even though I still have it out for immortals, at least they make for great storytellers.

"Alright everyone!" Luna shouted. "Let the emergency quest to save Axel commence!"

Determined cheers filled the room once again. Meanwhile, I restrained myself from letting out a deflated whimper. If I ever got out of this alive, I was swearing off from drinking. I blame the bottle for everything that was happening to me!

Aside from the small breeze provided by my HeliBot's propellers, the air around me felt…off. Like unnaturally so. Not the most creative description, I know, but it's the best I could come up with. I'm an evil genius, not a wordsmith.

Regardless, I continued to hover over the town and keep my eyes peeled for any sign of the Destroyer. After we all worked together to formulate a plan of attack, they tasked me with the ever so glamorous honor of lookout duty. Since I was the only adventurer with the means to fly, I was selected without hesitation. My HeliBot combined with my Farsight skill did make for pretty killer combo, there's no denying that. Even so, I can't help but feel like I'm being used as a tool by everyone else.

Speaking of everyone else, the majority of the adventurers were busy setting up a makeshift wooden barrier around the front gates, like they think that'll help. Aqua, Wiz, and Megumin were already in position on the twin turrets overlooking the field lands. The moment the Destroyer rears its ugly bug head, Aqua will use her Sacred Dispel skill to hopefully break through its magical defenses. Assuming she does (which this whole plan was hinging on), that'll be my cue to rev up my own mech and have myself a big bot brawl. If all else fails, Megumin and Wiz were on standby to pelt it with Explosion Magic as a last resort.

Yes, Wiz can also cast Explosion Magic. Made sense, really, she's been around the block long enough to accumulate an excess of skill points to spend willy-nilly. It's standard RPG practice for when a player nears the Level cap; I've played Fallout: New Vegas enough times to know. Still didn't make the reveal any less disturbing...

And then there was the odd one out: Darkness. She volunteered herself to "stand guard" way out in the fields for when the Destroyer arrives, making herself the first thing that'll get trampled on if the plan falls through. My gut assumption was that she just looking for another way to get her rocks off like usual. But the telltale signs of her being horny weren't present when she volunteered as tribute, she seemed deadly serious about it…

Then again, it could've just been a convincing front. But I wouldn't know for sure unless I flew over to where she was standing and asked her myself. Obviously, I couldn't exactly do that because…y'know.

I groaned in frustration. Why was I getting so worked up over the incident this morning anyway? So Darkness and the others discovered I'm hesitant to get close to them, big whoop! We're all technically still strangers to one another, it's only natural to be on guard. I like to keep my options open when it comes to partnerships because they're bound to go south eventually. Better to play it safe than to get too attached.

…

So then why am I letting myself get attached to these idiots!? Don't they realize there are, admittedly, far better horses to back out there than me? They already think I'm "chuuni" for wanting to rule the world anyway, how come they're still sticking around? Because they're too dumb to know any better? Well…maybe. But they haven't had a good reason to ditch me yet either. And I have a sinking feeling that the opportunity for them to do so was coming sooner rather than later…

Before I could let myself slip into another spiral of my own making, a glint on the horizon caught my eye. Activating Farsight, I could make out the form of the Destroyer crawling out from behind the mountains.

It's only a machine, Jack, not a real spider. You work with machines all the time, this should be second nature to you. Just don't think about how it's black like a black widow or how it moves like a daddy long legs or how it's got a face like a tarantula -

Sometimes I wonder if my brain is as much of a masochist as Darkness is.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts and pulled out a crude megaphone that Luna loaned me. I gave the signal.

"HEY, DINGBATS! HERE IT COMES!"

Side note, would it have killed the locals to adapt their siren technology into their megaphones? They are literally just curled up paper cones. I had to strain my evil vocal cords just to get everybody to hear me down below. So stupid, it makes me more convinced that the Destroyer's creator was an Earth human.

Anyway, the workers dropped the logs they were using to build the useless barricade while the adventurers all braced themselves for the inevitable. Once the Destroyer was out of the mountains and in clear view, it curiously stopped in place. It wasn't until the machine did a long distance laser scan on the town did I understand why. It must've been collecting data on the settlement ahead before likely calculating if it was blacklisted or not. Maybe there was a chance Axel wasn't registered on the database?

That hopeful idea was blasted into oblivion when the Destroyer honked like a damn tripod from War of the Worlds before continuing its march. So much for being optimistic.

Something white whipped past me before I could get a good look at it. However, I already knew what it was when I saw Aqua brandishing her previously missing flower bud staff and chanting her Sacred Dispel spell. Since this was my first time seeing the move in action, I had the best seat in the house. Apparently, Sacred Dispel involves having five large yellow ciphers similar to Megumin's lined up in front of you and emitting a powerful beam of energy at your target. Pretty neat.

What wasn't neat, however, was the Destroyer's shields blocking Aqua's attack. As soon as her beam was within reach of the mech, a colorful magic barrier that was previously invisible came up to deflect it. The only thing going on for Aqua in that moment was her spell being just powerful enough to halt the Destroyer in its tracks.

But that simply wasn't good enough in Jack's eyes! I should've expected as much from a fledgling demigod like her. The plan was doomed to fail!

"RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

With an ear-splitting war cry, Aqua's beam suddenly got a whole lot brighter. That's not even mentioning the intense heat now radiating off of it. I was behind the blast all the way up in the air and I could feel it.

Aqua's Sacred Dispel attack looked more electrifying than ever before, making it a little difficult for me to stare at it for very long. What I did manage to see was the spell not only physically pushing the Destroyer back, but actually doing its namesake!

The magic shield on the mech shattered like glass, "shards" of it flying everywhere. After that, it felt as though time came to a complete standstill. The sudden silence that filled the area was incredibly surreal as everyone down below seemed to stare at the Immobile Fortress Destroyer in total bewilderment, like they couldn't believe what they saw. Even the Destroyer itself, who likely only possessed basic onboard AI, seemed just as confused as everyone else. I could tell.

"Wait...that actually worked?"

What was I saying? Of course it worked! Never doubted Aqua for even a second! Nope!

It wasn't long before the water goddess and Megumin started yelling at me to get into position. Didn't need to tell me twice, I took my cue and flew back to Spicer Mansion II as fast as my HeliBot could go. Once I made it to the front doors, I swung them open and wasted no time in adjusting my propeller blades to accelerate me through the winding halls at blinding speeds.

As I was flying towards my lair, I took note of the JackBots moving throughout the mansion, packing everyone's clothes and belongings like I had ordered them to after hearing about the plan. It was always best to be ready to get out of dodge, even if that might not be the case this time around. Still, I wasn't going to tell them to stop. Didn't have time to anyway.

I made it to the cellar door, input the security code on the keypad, and flew all the way downstairs into the depths of my evil lair. In record time, I found myself arriving at my destination: my dug out hanger bay.

Flipping a nearby switch, the flood lights came on to illuminate the Jack Spicer Evil Transforming Mech standing underneath the blast doors leading outside. My squadron of WingBots were neatly lined up beside each leg, waiting to be given the activation command to fly out.

My previous worries crept their way back into my mind as I hovered into the cockpit. The JackMech didn't have all its parts fully reinforced yet, and the experimental heat ray bazooka in the right arm was still…well, experimental. And while being 50 feet tall was certainly nothing to sneeze at, it was nowhere close to being in the same weight class as the Destroyer. The odds of me taking down that eight-legged monstrosity with my own mech in its current state were slim at best.

Slapping myself, I consciously repressed those concerns into the back of my mind. I am Jack-freaking-Spicer, robots are my forte! I won't back down to someone's toy spider! I was gonna show 'em how a real evil genius does it!

I grabbed the microphone attached to the dashboard, causing the loudspeakers embedded in the JackMech's "mouth" to crackle to life. I cleared my throat and spoke into it with all the bravado I could muster.

"Computer: open the hanger bay doors! WingBots: time to soar! David: can you go to the platform control station over on your left? I forgot to set a timer for the lift. Thanks."

The lone JackBot unit, JB-D4V1D, flew to the control station and pulled the lever to activate the lift for the JackMech. Meanwhile, the WingBots came online and were hovering beside my head (my mech's head that is) as we ascended into the outside world. Due to the sheer size and scope of my underground hanger bay, I had to dig out far enough so that we'd pop out from behind the city walls. But don't worry, I made sure to paint the outer doors green so they would blend into the surrounding grass. Wouldn't want squatters to find their way into my lair and make themselves at home.

"Alright boys, see the giant enemy spider due north?" I asked the WingBots through the JackMech's speakers, raising one of its arms to point. "There are laser turrets mounted on the carapace. You know what to do."

My WingBots instantly assumed a "V" formation and took off like the vulture droids they were loosely inspired by. Hopefully they'll distract the Destroyer long enough for me to charge up the plasma canon on my way there. Shooting it was going to eat up most of the JackMech's primary power supply. I quite literally only have one shot at this. If I miss my mark, I doubt the backup generators will get me very far...

I carefully piloted the mech around the city's outer walls, wincing when I heard the metal legs groan with each step. I couldn't afford to make the thing sprint, it'd further compromise the structural integrity. Still, I was able to make great strides over the plains regardless, and was at the front gates in less than a minute.

Even though I was on a bit of a time crunch, I couldn't resist glancing out the view port in the chest. I needed to see the adventurers who'd been flagging me as "pragmatic" all this time gaze in shock and awe at my evil engineering! Needless to say, I got my fill and then some.

Turning my focus back at the task at hand, I found myself transfixed by the laser lightshow off in the distance. My WingBots were actually succeeding in keeping the Destroyer still so it could attempt to pick them off one by one with its laser turrets. They flew all around the mechanized walking fortress as they fired their own lasers, taking potshots wherever they could and even taking out a few turrets. Likewise, the Destroyer was able to shoot down some of the bots and send them crashing into the ground.

Once this was over, I was going to repair my flyboys and give them all a special oil bath for their troubles.

The heat ray bazooka was about three-fourths of the way charged when something strange happened with the Destroyer. It let out a cartoony-sounding steam whistle before lowering itself closer to the ground. Crawling out of the entrances were what could be best described as a defense force of freaking steampunk golems. Their bodies appeared to be made up of the same black metal as their ride and they even had exhaust ports jutting out from their backs too.

"Great, as if those country bumpkins at the guild didn't have enough trouble discerning robots from golems…" I grumbled to myself before noticing how close my mouth was to the mic. "…this still on?"

I'd worry about that later. The golems slid down the Destroyer's gross-ass spider legs and charged at Darkness, who had yet to move from her spot on the field. Judging from how firmly her sword was implanted into the dirt, it didn't look like she was going to move any time soon. Heroic muscle-head...

Things may be awkward between us right now, but I should probably step in since I knew for a fact there wasn't a damn thing she could do to stop those golems. But I also needed to save the JackMech's energy for the cannon. Better be conservative about it.

I guided the mech over to where Darkness stood, being careful not to accidentally step on her as I did. With stiff but controlled movements, I systematically squashed the approaching golems like I were playing a game of whack-a-mole with my giant robot feet. Giddy at finally getting to feel OP for a change, I had to restrain myself from doing anything that would consume too much power. After all, my trump card had just finished fully charging by the time the golems were dealt with.

Just in the nick of time too. Once I had finished flattening the steampunk golems into pancakes, the Destroyer shot the last of the WingBots out of the sky. With nothing left to distract it, the fortress on legs came right for me! Jumping Dashi on a pogo stick – that was one angry spider droid!

I almost, almost, locked up when I saw it speeding towards me. If it weren't for my monitors dinging at me to fire the cannon, I probably would've let myself get run over without realizing.

It's just a robot, it's just a robot, IT'S JUST A ROBOT!

I repeated this mantra in my head as I fumbled with the firing mechanisms. The JackMech switched its right arm out for the experimental heat ray bazooka and aimed it directly at the Destroyer.

Full disclosure: I've never actually fired this thing before. I nearly did on Omi and his basketball buddy, Jermaine, when we were fighting for the Serpent's Tail all the way back in New York. But then the Xiaolin Losers' pet dragon interrupted me before I had the chance. Well not this time!

As soon as the screen read "TARGET AQUIRED", my hand gripped the firing lever tightly. In spite of my arachnophobia, I did allow myself to smirk evilly. Maybe saying a cool, witty one-liner will help alleviate my stress.

"'Some pig'? More like some…BIG pile of melted scrap! Prepare to meet your maker, Charlotte! Mwahahahahahahaaa!"

Ugh, even I internally cringed at that. But I already cemented it with the evil laugh, had no choice but to own it now. Was really starting to regret the inclusion of loudspeakers on the JackMech.

That would prove to be the least of my concerns, however, when I heard something more painful than my lame one-liner: the sound of metal groaning against itself. Admittedly nothing new, I've had to contend with hearing that as I pilot my incomplete bot. But something about this groan in particular sounded much more…strained. Like the metal framework was on its last legs…

That's when the support for the left leg finally gave out.

I got hit with a barrage of error messages from my computer screens. The cockpit flashed red with warning lights as the emergency sirens blared indiscriminately in my ears. The overstimulation was real, and I could barely process what was happening as I came careening down along with my mech. What I did manage to piece together in the ensuing chaos was the heat ray firing…at the Destroyer's right set of legs.

In an attempt to look at the bright side, at least I now knew the weapon worked. It melted through the spider mech's legs like a hot knife through butter, literally crippling it and causing it to fall to the ground. Pretty damn sick!

Unfortunately, that's where the bright side of things ended. Because now the Destroyer was sliding towards me with no signs of it slowing down, effectively leaving me as a deer in the headlights.

Also, I ran out of power...and the backup generators weren't working...and my mech was missing a leg of its own...shit.

I remembered screaming as I mashed the eject button with every last ounce of my gamer instincts. Next thing I knew, I was getting jostled around in the cockpit again, this time accompanied by the sound of two Explosions going off simultaneously. I believe that was Plan B taking affect.

After the JackMech crash-landed and I got done peeling myself off the wall, everything went eerily quiet, both inside and outside. Climbing up the wreckage, I grabbed a lever that'd snapped off at some point and used it to smash a hole through the view port. I made sure to be mindful of the broken glass before hoisting myself out of the cockpit and surveying the damage.

My mech was mangled to hell and bent out of shape. It was gonna take months of repairs to get it back to working order, and that's not even taking into account the amount of bot power it'll take to drag it all the way back home! The only thing that made me feel any better was seeing the Destroyer in an equally demolished state.

Speaking of which, it would seem the trajectory of Megumin and Wiz's combined Explosion flung me behind Darkness, who was standing mere inches away from the Destroyer's half-buried head. Did…did she not even flinch when all that crap happened in front of her?

Uh-oh, now she noticed my presence. Just grin and give a thumbs-up, Jack. Don't let her be reminded that you still can't bring yourself to trust her or anyone else in your party…

Whatever Darkness was about to say or do was interrupted when the Destroyer's eyes flashed red. A computerized voice with female programming came online automatically as it made an announcement.

"Warning: critical damage sustained. Initiating emergency self-destruct sequence. All personnel, please evacuate in an orderly fashion, and don't forget to visit the gift shop on your way out. Have a nice day."

Remember when I said things were eerily quiet before? Yeah, me too. Those were good times.

Chapter Text

The adventurers behind me had the right idea of running away, screaming like little girls.

Really, I should've known a doomsday machine like the Mobile Fortress Destroyer would have a self-destruct sequence. It's standard evil mad scientist protocol for badness' sake! I have no idea how that managed to slip my mind! Just chalk it up to my irrational fear of spiders overtaking my senses I guess...

Uh, anyway, we're boned.

I slid down the wreckage of the JackMech (totally not falling flat on my ass) and rushed over to where Darkness stood. The woman practically bore holes into the Destroyer's flashing red eyes, which was actually a little intimidating for me given the rocky relationship I currently had with her and the others. Still, someone had to be the voice of reason right now.

"OKAY, fun's over!" I declared. "We had a good run, gave it our best shot, clearly it wasn't enough. We need to leave yesterday! The JackBots have our stuff packed, if we leave now we might still be able to -"

"I refuse."

Darkness made her defying statement plainly. The stark determination in her eyes never faltered as she continued to stare at the literal bomb in front of her. "There's still a chance to stop this, I know it. As long as there is time, we must do everything we can to prevent the Destroyer's detonation."

I concentrated really hard on suppressing my panic twitches.

"Oh, Darkness...do you get a sick kick out of seeing me cry or what!? I thought you were a masochist, not a sadist!"

"This is not about you, Jack!" The Crusader practically barked, finally tearing her piercing gaze away from the Destroyer and directing it at me. She pointed at the retreating crowd as she did so. "This is about them, all the people in Axel! They are going to die if someone doesn't find a way to stop this! I cannot in good faith turn my back and run when there is still an opportunity to save them! I would sooner die than disgrace myself in such a manner!"

While I did back away fearfully when she scolded me like that, something within prevented me from folding in on myself like usual. Instead, I hardened my own eyes at her and said, "You know what? I don't care. You're coming with me whether you like it or not!"

Not giving Darkness a chance to get a word in edgewise, I angrily stomped past her and pulled her arm along with me…

Only to get yanked back not a microsecond later.

I looked back at the stubborn Crusader. She still hadn't moved, but she did return to gazing into the Destroyer's flashing eyes, seemingly ignoring me at this point.

Growling in frustration, I tugged at her arm again, attempting to pull her alongside me. Darkness never budged.

I used both my arms and pulled as hard as I could, clenching my teeth and making those weird mouth sounds I heard help when you're trying to drag something heavy. She still didn't move.

I jumped up, firmly planted my feet into her back, and put my own back into yanking her arm away as hard as humanly possible. Take a guess on what happened next…That's right, she finally realized the error of her ways and allowed me to drag her away to safety!

No, of course not! Because that would make too much sense! She stood like a boulder and I ended up pulling a muscle! Almost forgot there was a reason I always skipped gym class.

Picking myself up off the ground, I grit my teeth and yelled, "We all know why you're really doing this anyway! You just wanna get blown up again! So stop pretending this is about something else! Look – if we go now, I'll talk to Megumin and we can hook you up later. Hell, I'll even build an atom bomb for you to play with, just move already!"

Darkness...well she did something. It was damn near impossible for me to put into words, but it was like she jolted, her posture faltering for the slightest moment. I could've sworn I recognized irritation...and maybe even hurt...pass across her face. Her following words were once more aimed my way, colder than before.

"Leave. If you really can't muster up an inkling of courage to do the right thing, I shall face my fate alone."

Jesus Christ. That actually made me feel…bad. Like, sad-bad I mean. Now I didn't even wanna leave anymore. What was this woman doing to me!?

Before I could dwell upon it any further, I was greeted by a myriad of people approaching. Namely Wiz, Aqua, Megumin (who was being piggybacked by the aforementioned), Kazuma, Yunyun, Chris, and even Taylor along with his party.

"Guys! Thank evil you're here!" I cheered before pointing at Darkness accusingly. "Talk some sense into this one! She won't leave and none of my bribes have been working! Help me out here!"

"Actually, Wiz has a plan to keep the Destroyer from blowing up the city!" Aqua replied, a little too cheery given the circumstances. Worse yet, Wiz showed little to no confidence as she stepped forward and elaborated.

"W-Well, it's mostly a last resort. I should be able to teleport the core away from the city," She explained, though she didn't quite meet anyone's eyes as she continued. "However, I must remind Lady Aqua that I don't have control over where it will end up. If I'm able to send it away, there is a chance it will land somewhere just as populated as Axel."

I stared dubiously at Wiz, looked over to Darkness, gazed up at the Destroyer, promptly shuddered in disgust, and finally looked back at the group as a whole.

"But…wouldn't it be easier and, y'know, safer if we just cut our losses and pull out?" I reasoned calmly. Given the varying personalities of these people, there was still a chance for me to snag the popular vote. "In fact, if we hurry, there might still be enough time to grab our worldly possessions and leave before the nuke goes off! So who's with me?"

"You do realize most of us live in this city, right? Even if we did make a run for it, what are the chances we'd make it out of the blast zone?" Taylor countered, seemingly confused by my desperation to get the fuck away from the giant bomb not ten feet away. "We should at least take the chance while we have it. I don't know about you, but I like Axel enough to want it to not end up as a giant crater."

"C'MOOOON!" I whined, not even caring anymore about trying to disprove the "Jack Whiner" nickname the haters gave me. "It's just a dumb old city! You can always build a new one! I build things all the time, look at the mech I made!"

The group turned around to stare at what remained of my JackMech. In hindsight, it probably didn't help my case that the thing was lying helplessly on the ground…and missing a leg…and on fire.

Everyone looked back at me with not so impressed faces.

"…Just gotta buff out those scratches and it'll be bad as new!" I chuckled awkwardly.

"We're wasting time talking to this guy," Kazuma interjected, fixing me with that same glare he had back in the guild hall. "We gotta get moving if we don't wanna become atomized!"

I couldn't believe it. No one, not even the semi-rational ones, took my side. I was all alone, and this time with no robots to back me up. I was well and truly alone…

…like it should've been from the start.

"Fine!"

Everyone looked back at me. I gave them all the evil eye as I activated my HeliBot and hovered above them. "You wanna do something stupid and get yourselves killed? Don't let me stop you. Do whatever the hell you want, see if I care! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some emotion chips to go pick up before this place becomes ground zero."

"Sheesh. Guess we shouldn't have expected anything less," Dust grumbled, looking particularly unimpressed with my display of indifference, if not a touch vindicated. "C'mon, you heard Kazuma. We gotta get moving."

And just like that, the gaggle of morons started to ascend onto the wrecked Destroyer. Aqua paused for a beat longer than the others before following suit, and Darkness stayed at her post dutifully. To my surprise, the last one left standing other than her was the only other Earth human. He looked up at me with a different expression now, one which was a lot harder for me to get a read on.

"Y'know, for a self-proclaimed genius...you sure make a lot of bad calls," Kazuma mused, his tone less accusing and more...well, pointed I guess. All the same, he too turned away with a half-hearted wave, climbing up after the rest of the team. "See you on the other side, Goggles. Have fun with your robots."

On that bitter note, Green Bean climbed aboard the Destroyer, leaving me alone with Darkness in tense silence. Feeling uncomfortable again, I wordlessly flew in the opposite direction, scouring the field for downed WingBots and salvaging their emotion chips. No sense in letting them go to waste and having to make more, especially since they took the most time to craft. Thankfully, I was able to gather most of them save for one due to a WingBot missing its head. If I wasn't in such a hurry, I would've checked to see where it rolled off too. But I'll just settle with I do have. 

With most of the delicate cargo safely secured in my pockets, I was ready to get the hell out of dodge.

"Is it really that easy for you?" Darkness suddenly asked, still not turning to face me. That pained tone was much more audible this time, and it was enough to make me stop in my tracks. "After everything we've been through, can you really turn your back on us and leave, just like that? I...I thought better of you, Jack."

"Wha, I, but, you - !" I sputtered pathetically, completely caught off guard by her remark. "D-Don't pin this on me! It's your own fault for not having any sense of self-preservation! I wouldn't have to do this if you'd just listen to me!"

"BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S LEAVING!" Darkness snapped, finally whipping around to face me. And Christ above, I wish she hadn't! Her eyes were wet now, and there was a distinct fire lit behind them, one that only betrayal could instill. "The rest of our friends are making a stand, trying to save our home and hundreds of innocent lives! If you could think of someone other than yourself for an entire minute, maybe you'd be able to see how important this is! How this is bigger than you!"

I was nearly on the brink of crying myself. Why'd she have to play the altruistic card on me now of all times? If she'd been busy getting off at the thought of being blown up again, it might've helped make ditching town a lot easier. And here I thought I was the evil one.

Wait…that's right, I am the evil one! I shouldn't be bothered by what a knight like her has to say. Their guardians of good, why should their opinions matter to me?

I willed my tear ducts to stay dry as I glared back at her and pointed at myself. "One word: evil. That's what you signed up for, isn't it? Should've expected a loose moral fiber from me."

Darkness's expression...faltered. Like the wind had been slowly knocked out of her. Suddenly, I was faced with the same stone-faced, emotionless expression that I could find on any passerby in the street. Her next words were terse and stung me to my core:

"You are not evil, Jack. You just make bad choices...and this will be yet another to add to the list."

Even though I already knew she didn't believe I was evil, hearing her confirm it didn't hurt any less. It hurt like when I spilled my guts out to Chase Young and he didn't respond by running up to kiss me like I'd secretly hoped he would. It hurt like getting maimed by his jungle cats as he stared down at me with that shit-eating grin, the one he always wore whenever he inflicted pain on me…

I turned away as fast as the HeliBot could manage, soaring through the air as I tried to put some distance between myself and the wreckage. As well as the few associates I've gotten to know on a more personal level. I tried not to think about it, about how I was abandoning them completely, or how deep Darkness's words cut me. I only made it a few hundred feet away from Axel before I made the HeliBot stop, glancing over my shoulder.

...

After staring at the distant junkpiles and tiny yellow dot for who knows how long, I growled, angry at both myself and my so-called friends.

"My evil street cred is so going down the toilet…"

I honestly couldn't imagine what ran through Darkness's head when she watched me leave. Likewise, I couldn't imagine whatever followed as I zoomed back over to the Destroyer, grumbling to myself as I flew past her and into the construct itself. I may have just hallucinated this last part in my haste, but I could've sworn I saw the ghost of a smile on her face as I passed by. Probably just my imagination making Darkness look smug to add salt to the wound.

Either way, I was too upset with the perv at the moment to care as I landed inside the mech and stomped through the halls. I was also too upset to care that I was inside something that resembled one of my worst fears. I was also-ALSO too upset to acknowledge my party or the chumps they brought along as I stormed past them all in a huff.

"Huh, well I'll be damned. Guess Goggles finally pulled his head out of his ass," Kazuma mused, moving to keep pace with me best despite how much I wanted him to piss off. "So, what grand plan are you whipping up this time? Got your own personal teleportation device tucked away in your back pocket or something?"

"Can it, Green Bean," I snapped without even turning to meet the Japanese's smarmy face. "Why don't you go bother Tomato Boy and let the criminal mastermind do his thing? Who knows, maybe you two will fuse into vegetable soup or something; be less annoying that way."

"...yeah, I don't know what any of that means - just stop and listen for a sec," Kazuma insisted, prompting me to come to a brief stop. "I'm not gonna bother with the whole 'I don't like you, you don't like me' speech. The one thing we both care about right now is not blowing up. So level with me here: what can I do to keep that from happening to the both of us?"

"Ugh, just find me the control room and I'll see if I can hack the mainframe to abort the self-destruct sequence," I sighed tiredly, having simmered down enough to level with my fellow Adventurer. "If the guy who built this deathtrap has any respect for mechanical-engineering, there's bound to be a big control room with terminals that overlook the functions of everything, self-destruct sequences included."

"Fair enough. I'm sure the others can handle going to the core themselves...probably," Kazuma replied, before glancing down the nearest hall and tilting his head side to side. "My gut is telling me our best bet for the control room is this way. Let's hope my Luck stat does works its charm."

"Can't be any worse than mine..." I mumbled quietly to myself as I let him lead the way. While walking, I stuck my hands in my pockets, gently cupping the emotion chips within to make me feel a little bit better about myself. At this point, I just wanted this miserable day to end with me barricading myself in my lab and repairing my boys. I've had enough human interactions to last me a lifetime. Actually, make that two lifetimes because reincarnation and stuff.

"Lead the way, Kazuma!" Aqua chirped, making both myself and the Adventurer beside me jump halfway out of our skins. Somehow Aqua had managed to sneak up on the both of us, with Megumin still slung on her back, though the mage seemed a little less tired now. Probably gained a bit of her energy back.

"How the hell did...you didn't hear them coming either, right?" Kazuma asked me in disbelief, glancing between myself and the water goddess. "Why is your party so fucking weird, man?"

"Because I didn't hold a screening process before letting them in," I answered matter-of-factly, refusing to meet the girls' annoyed glares. "Now take your future overlord to the control room already, chop-chop!"

Kazuma rolled his eyes, but didn't run his mouth for a change. He continued down the hall he'd been inspecting moments before as Aqua and I followed. It took a few minutes, but eventually we arrived at what appeared to be the control room, or at the very least one of the associated sectors.

"Aha! Told you I'd find it!" Kazuma cheered victoriously, as if he hadn't just relied on dumb luck to guide us. "I'll accept your applause any time now."

"That's Aqua's line, Green BeeeAAAHHH!"

My insult merged into a shriek when I noticed the, um, dead person sitting in a chair with tubes coming out the back. Thankfully the body had already gone through advanced decomposition, so all that was left was a skeleton. Didn't make the reality any less disturbing though. I know I've already seen roaming Skeleton monsters and Undead Knights, but this was my first time seeing a true dead body...

"Huh. Guess we found whoever was supposed to pilot this thing way back when," Kazuma remarked, seemingly unbothered by the human remains outside of a small grimace. He turned to Aqua and asked, "What was this thing supposed to be again? Some kinda superweapon from an advanced kingdom or something?"

Before Aqua could open her big fat mouth with unneeded exposition we already heard, I spoke up. "Uh, hi, Jack Spicer here. Are we gonna gloss over the fact that there is a CORPSE sitting over there and talk about something else? We are? Okay, cool, just checking."

"Dude, both of us had to die just to be here. It's not that big of a deal," Kazuma chided, irritating me again before walking up to the dead man's chair to pick up a book left on the arm rest. He dusted it off with a quizzical look.

"Oi. What do you guys make of this?"

Wanting to distract myself from the skeleton, I grabbed the book from Kazuma's hand and skimmed through the pages. It was written entirely in Japanese. That confirms Mr. Bones here was from Earth after all.

"You're from Japan, right?" I asked my fellow Earthling before opening the book in front of him. "I'm too American to read this. Translate."

"Oh, just like that, huh?" Kazuma said with a sneer. "I'm not fucking Google, asshole! You can't just shove shit in my face and expect me to regurgitate it for you!"

I merely waved the book in front of him again in silence. He eventually caved and snatched it out of my hands. "Damn Westerners..."

"Am I truly a Westerner if I died in the East though?" I rhetorically asked with a shit-eating grin.

Scowling, Kazuma flipped the book opened and began reading the latest entries aloud. As annoying as he could be, I had to give him props for one simple fact: the man knew how to capture an audience.

Day ???

So these corporate big shots want me to build them a "Mobile Fortress" for Project Tyrant Toppler. Damn cheapskates. Haven't I made it obvious I'm no longer interested in building weapons to use against the Devil King? Not that I can say that out loud of course, don't wanna get charged for treason. But I was sure my phony pacifism speeches would be enough for them to take the hint. I just want to profit off of simple inventions and laze around all day!

Anyway, they asked me what I would need for a power source. Hell if I know! Just to get these money-grubbing pigs off my back, I asked them to find me something impossibly rare: Coronatite. It's said to be a legendary mineral capable of generating enough heat and energy indefinitely, almost like a miniature sun. They'll never find it! Now I can go back to reading my ecchi manga in peace~

Day ???

Goddamnit! The adventurers they hired actually managed to bring back some Coronatite! Must've paid top eris for such annoyingly dedicated thrill seekers. Shit, looks like I'm actually going to have to get up off my lazy ass and slave away on yet another Anti Devil King weapon. No doubt it will fail like all the others. But I'm contractually obligated to do it. If I don't get this Mobile Fortress done by the deadline, it'll be the execution sentence for sure!

Day ???

Well, I got the blueprints ready. Even if it was accidental.

I was mulling over the design for the Mobile Fortress when the NASTIEST spider scuttled across my desk! I swatted it with some paper and, as a subtle middle finger to the higher-ups, submitted it as one of the potential designs thinking it would be rejected.

T hey...loved it, surprisingly. Even went as far as to compliment me on the "details" and "realism".

They also put me on the spot for what the name was, which I sorta forgot to give it. In a panic, I dubbed it the "Destroyer", my old chuuni instincts kicking in thanks to working alongside the experiments from Project Crimson Flare. They were also impressed by this for some reason.

Whatever, let's just get this over with. The sooner I build Mobile Fortress Destroyer, the sooner I can go back to ogling my assistant's hot bod. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll just ogle her while I work~

Day ???

OH MY GOD! THE DESTROYER'S GONE HAYWIRE! NOISE HAS FALLEN! EVERYONE'S DEAD!

Then again...this thing does technically work as instructed. So hey, nice job, me! You really outdid yourself! Anyway, I have no means to turn the Destroyer off and I can't seem to find a way to get down safely. So I think I'll just spend the rest of my days up here with all these golems. At least I had the foresight to stash some snacks in the control room, that should last me a while. But seriously, what kind of an idiot forgets to build an off switch!?

Oh wait...I'm the idiot who forgot to build an off switch. Oops.

...

Kazuma calmly closed the journal. "That was the last entry..."

I roared in anger and disbelief as my previous concerns regarding the skeleton evaporated when I went up to throttle it. "'Oops'!? Fucking 'OOPS'!? This is why you build off switches on your robots: to prevent behavioral redundancy! Why do you think I put my robots' switches on the back of their heads, huh!? FOR EASY ACCESS! You're a lazy, unambitious loser and I hate you!"

The skeletal remains of the asshole responded by falling apart from all my shaking.

"So...what do we do now?" Megumin asked from Aqua's back, just barely able to raise her head to look at us with concern. "Wiz's plan might still work, but we don't even know how much time is left before this place detonates!"

"Wait here, I'll go find her," I grumbled as my HeliBot lifted me up in the air. "I can cover more ground when I fly. Oh, and while I'm gone...someone finish desecrating that morons' remains for me, will ya? Thanks."

I didn't wait for a reply as I was already flying out of the room and through the hallways at top speed. The place was a labyrinth, and a bland one at that; hardly any décor to speak of. A little splash of color at the very least would've gone a long way to make the inside of this mech slightly less boring. Another sign that the cretin who built this was a talentless hack. I'm glad he died alone.

Even though I had no idea where to go, I figured the core would be located somewhere in the middle of the construct, so that's where I tried to roughly steer myself to whenever there was a fork in the road. My logical assumption proved fruitful when I noticed a trail of destroyed steampunk golems, indicating that Wiz and the others had been here. Following the wreckage of wannabe robots, I entered what appeared to be the main engine room. Everyone else was already there and staring up at a tall capsule containing what looked like a miniature star that was on the verge of becoming a supernova. Tangled cables and wires were hooked into the base, presumably circulating its power throughout the Destroyer and keeping the self-destruct sequence active.

"This the 'Corntit' thing or what?" I demanded soon after landing and giving everyone else a spook. "I read about it in the pilot's diary. This is what's powering the Destroyer, right?"

"If you mean 'Coronatite', then yes. This seems to be the Destroyer's power source," Chris supplied, shooting me a curious look before turning her gaze back to the core. "I'm no engineer, but it doesn't look too stable right now. We need to do something and fast."

I looked over to Wiz. "You mentioned something before about teleporting the core elsewhere, yeah? Sounds like our best bet. I would dismantle the generator, but I don't know how long that would take; I'm still kinda figuring out this magical tech stuff."

"Well...it is true that I have enough magic left to cast Teleport on it. But I'm afraid there's a catch-22," Wiz explained as she scanned the group around her with uncertainty. "You see, there's two different versions of the spell. Standard Teleport only works if you set a destination marker for it, and since I set markers in Axel, that's obviously out of the question. Random Teleport is exactly what it sounds, but what happens if the core lands in another populated area? We could be risking just as many lives either way…"

"...seriously?" I asked in disbelief. "Listen, I know we're on a time crunch here, but answer me something real quick. How long have you been travelling the country for?"

The Lich seemed surprised by my question, taking a moment to consider her answer before offering it. "I...suppose around twenty years? Give or take a few before I set up my shop in Axel."

She must've only counted her days as an adventurer prior to becoming a Lich. Probably doesn't want to blow her cover around these other guys. Still, combine that with her new immortal life and she's likely been around the block. 

"Okay, now tell me: in all that time you've spent exploring the kingdom, how often did you come across an urban metropolis? And to be clear, I'm not asking how many you've visited, just how often you happened to run into them without planning."

"Well...not terribly often. The only true example I can think of is the capitol itself," Wiz answered with more certainty entering her voice. Although her expression remained mixed. "Even so, a low chance is not equivalent to no chance at all..."

"Unless it's our only option," I commented before elaborating. "Where I come from, there's nearly eight billion humans crowding the place. Despite the overpopulation, we still build cities and homes wherever possible. Unless you were planning a nature hike or lived somewhere rural, you'd be hard-pressed to 'accidentally' wander into a forest or meadow. But this whole country is like an Amish dream come true! The probability of the core teleporting into a densely urban environment is 10,003 to 1. Trust me, I did the math just now. I may lie and cheat but numbers certainly don't!"

Wiz frowned deeply, turning to the rest of the adventurers to silently seek their input. Dust of all people stepped forward, apparently the only one willing to bring this standoff to a close.

"Look, we probably only have seconds until this thing explodes. As much of a punk as Jack is, he's not wrong when it comes to this kind of stuff. Wiz, you gotta use Teleport on the Coronatite. It's the only option we have left."

The well-endowed undead lady glanced between me and Tomato Boy nervously, seemingly unsure of what to do. C'mon Wiz, you've been around longer than I me, and I'm an amazing genius! Surely she'd be old and wise enough to know I'm correct, right?

"A-Alright. I'll do it. Just...give me a moment..." Wiz ultimately stated, taking a deep breath and stepping closer to the core. The sustained magical glow in her hands slowly burned brighter as she reached out, preparing to cast her spell.

"Random Teleport!"

And…that was that. With surprisingly little fanfare, the unstable core was gone. The Destroyer hummed as all of its reserved power died down. The lights switched off and left us all standing in the dark. Wish I had one of those "That Was Easy" buttons right about now.

"Welp! Out of sight, out of mind!" I lightly cheered, resting the back of my neck on my hands as I turned to walk away. "I'm gonna go loot that gift shop I heard about in the broadcast. Later, haters!"

"Villainous as always, eh Spicer?" Chris snarked, apparently more chill than Taylor and his party. "Save me something shiny for me! Oh, and don't forget your friends! Thieving minds think alike, so Kazuma probably wants to get in on the looting too."

"Like hell he is!" I shouted back as I broke into a sudden sprint when I turned the first corner. 

The next few minutes were...well, noisy for sure. Turns out, Chris was dead on about Kazuma and the girls, all three of which were dicking around in the gift shop by the time I arrived. I nearly dropped kicked the cloaked moron over a magic air fryer the second I saw it in his hands. I say nearly because he sidestepped out of the way and I ended up crashing into a wall. But it's the evil thought that counts!

Before I could challenge Green Bean to a dual over the doodad, Aqua explained that she and Megumin had already worked out a deal on my behalf.

"Whatever Kazuma can carry in one go is his. Everything else is ours! So we get the bigger haul!" Megumin explained, still hanging off of Aqua's back. I began to suspect that she already regained enough energy to walk by now, but wanted a free ride. "Although there's honestly not a whole lot of interesting stuff here. Mostly just souvenir shirts and magical trinkets."

"Free stuff's still free, ain't it?" I asked rhetorically while mindlessly shoveling magic devices and silly knickknacks into an empty sack. "Besides, might as well get something out of this endeavor. I deserve that much for putting my second life on the line when I didn't have to."

"Ah yes, because the lives of everyone in the town we all live in isn't payment enough. How right you are, Jack," Kazuma scoffed, throwing some assorted junk into his own sack while shooting me an unimpressed glare. "I'm no saint myself, but you seriously can't even find a little bit of pride in doing the right thing?"

I stuck my tongue out in disgust as I continued my amazing looting spree. "Me? Doing the right thing? Get over yourself. The only reason I came back was because I didn't feel like building a new evil lair. So don't start spreading any rumors about how I'm a 'goody-two-shoes Samaritan' or what have you. I got a reputation to keep up. Hey, a bobblehead!"

As I stowed away the score of the century, I found myself suddenly meeting Aqua's gaze. The water goddess, who up until this point had been fairly lighthearted, was now staring at me with an uncomfortably thoughtful and concerned expression. Not exactly a look best suited for an airhead like her.

"Jack...you don't really mean that, right?" She asked softly, tilting her head to the side like a confused puppy. "I mean, people could have died if Wiz and the others didn't done something. That has to bother you at least a little...right?"

"I mean…it's not like I knew them all that well to begin with..." I replied hesitantly, suddenly being reminded of that girl in Hong Kong who I thought was in danger and pushed out of the way. Only to seal my own fate for literally no reason as a result. "B-Besides, it's not like I would've been responsible for their deaths anyway. I wasn't the one who built a shoddy walker with a self-destruct failsafe. So why should I be...y'know, b-bothered by it?"

The silence that followed was heavy, like a cloud of smog. Aqua's eyes lingered on me, her lips drawn into a tight frown, and suddenly I had the startling realization that they definitely didn't see things the same way I did. I could stand Kazuma's disapproving mutters and glare, but Aqua's...it meant more somehow. Just like when Darkness had called me out before, it struck deeper than normal.

I didn't like it one bit.

"Maybe...we should just talk about this later," Megumin suggested from atop Aqua. "Obviously while Jack likes to play the 'bad guy' every now and then, he wouldn't just leave people to die. Us least of all! So...let's just save this for dinner or something, yeah? I think we could all go for a bite to eat right about now."

Fuck, I was really hoping they would forget about the scheduled talk later tonight. Also, they're not even pretending like they believe I'm evil anymore! Dammit, I really Jacked things up this time - STOP USING THAT PHRASE, ME!

"Well, you three clearly have some stuff to work out. I'd go with the loli's suggestion and talk about this somewhere private," Kazuma interjected, causing Megumin to vehemently deflect that weird comment he made to her. All the same, he hoisted his loot sack over his shoulder and made for the exit. "I'm gonna link up Yunyun before she makes me take another 'Friendship Pop Quiz' to make sure she knows where I've been. See you around I guess..."

Just like that, I was all alone. Well, technically untrue, Aqua and Megumin were still in the room with me. But somehow that didn't make me feel any less alone at that moment.

"...right. So, should we start heading out then?" Aqua asked pleasantly, seemingly stuffing away her concerns for later with a relaxed smile. "Darkness is probably still standing around outside and daylight's a-wasting, people!"

Before I could mumble anything back, I suddenly felt the temperature in the room start to rise. Enough to where I could begin to feel beads of sweat form on my forehead. Wearing a thick, leather trench coat didn't help things either.

"Yeah, that...that doesn't feel good..." Megumin groaned, wrapping her arms around Aqua's neck and shooting me a panicked look. "Okay, seriously, I think we need to go! NOW!"

Aqua and I nodded as we booked it out of the gift shop with our precious junk in tow. As we ran looking for the nearest exit, the heat got more and more intense as pipes began bursting steam. By the time the girls and I found a hole to the main deck, the metal on the Destroyer was a red-hot, and even though we were wearing shoes as we ran across it, the stinging sensation made us wince with each step. Thank Granny Spicer for gifting me with my trusty HeliBot!

"You really couldn't make one of those up for us!?" Aqua whined as she followed behind, lugging Megumin all the way. A few seconds later, we made it off the scorching hot wreck, landing next to Darkness and the rest of the adventurers.

"What's all this about!?" I complained to nobody but myself. "Don't tell me that two-bit 'scientist' forgot to build a coolant system on top of the off switch!"

As if the machine itself had been waiting for such a declaration, the hull of the Destroyer promptly exploded into an admittedly beautiful display of fireworks.

Honestly...it helped lighten the mood a little. All of us were left basking in the colors, going "oooo" and "ahhhh" whenever appropriate.

Once the unexpected firework show came, we were left standing in the now quiet field with the sun about ready to set over the horizon. Don't get me wrong, for as pretty as that all was, that whole sequence of events was...rather anticlimactic.

"Huh..." I grunted aloud. "Not gonna lie, thought that would be a lot worse."

Of course, as soon as I finished speaking, that's when I noticed a falling piece of debris coming my way. Last thing I remembered was a splitting pain to the noggin before everything went black.

When I opened my eyes, the first thing to greet me was my bedroom ceiling. With a subdued groan, I reached up to my head and lightly brushed the...bandages, vaguely recalling the moments before I'd lost consciousness. It certainly stung like a motherfucker, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary for me. I've had worse beatings.

After carefully unwrapping the bandages (didn't vibe with my aesthetic like they did with Megumin), the first thing I did was check my pockets for the emotion chips. I breathed a sigh of relief when I felt my fingertips graze the electronic components. The WingBots' memory files were already updated and backed up by my personal cloud network, but it would've been a pain in the ass to make new emotion chips for them. Gotta learn to appreciate the small victories in life.

"The girls must've put me in here while I was out," I mumbled to myself as I slid out of bed, taking a moment to look out the window and see that it really was the next day. "Would've preferred my lab but…ah, whatever."

Gently rubbing my sore head, I slogged over to open my door, only to bump into the back of a JackBot when I did. The automaton rotated his head a full 180 degrees to look at me in surprise, though his faceplate couldn't physically emote it. I know my children like the back of my hand.

"Oh! Hey Ravager," I greeted once I collected my bearings. "Forgot you were on bedroom guard duty this week. What's up?"

"Good morning, sir. I actually volunteered to guard you while your party went to rest," JB-24V4G32 informed, moving aside and gesturing down the hall. "I believe they currently reside in the kitchen, if you feel well enough to check in with them."

I audibly gulped at that, which did not go by unnoticed. Ravager awkwardly scratched the back of his cylindrical before making an offer. "If you'd like…I could escort you there myself?"

"…y-yeah, that'd be nice. Thanks, man."

With my robot leading the way, I slowly made my way down the halls. But I could only drag my feet for so long as we eventually reached the entrance to kitchen...with girls behind the door. I could feel my heart thundering in my chest, irrationally nervous about what was going to happen the second that I entered that room. I was so not ready for that little "chat", and now that another day had passed, I was certain the girls would antsy to get some things off their chest with me.

I felt thinly sharp metal fingers wrap around my hands, delicately so as to not accidentally pierce the skin. I looked back down at Ravager, who looked back up at me with soft glowing photoreceptors.

"Whatever happens in there, you'll still have us," he reassured. "Robo Bros before hoes. You programmed us to never forget that."

"Heh, that's true. Thanks, Ravager," I muttered quietly, before making a small motion of zipping lips. "Also, try not to get caught saying that in front of them. Call me crazy, but I don't think that'd end well for us."

Ravager did his best attempt at a chuckle, which was basically just a low buzzing sound that kept getting cut off rhythmically. "Affirmative, Master."

Smirking at the cheeky droid, I let go of his hand and braced myself before opening the door to the kitchen. My party was gathered around one of the countertops, and whatever they were talking about amongst themselves died as soon as they noticed me. It became a Western stare-off between us until I managed to work up the nerve to say something casual.

"Mornin'…" I greeted curtly. Really hope what Dad said about women being able to smell fear wasn't true. If so, I must reek to them right about now (although that might be from sleeping in yesterday's work clothes).

"Good morning, Jack. We were starting to wonder when you'd wake up," Darkness greeted with a polite nod, her tone betraying no other emotion outside of mild concern. "How are you feeling? That was quite the hit to the head you took while we were distracted. I-It almost makes me jealous..."

I gently rubbed my cranium, which was already feeling a little less sore thankfully. "Could be better, but I'll live. That injury couldn't make it into my Top 10 even if it tried. Aqua use healing magic on me while I was out?"

"Yep! Gave you a healthy dose! You should be back to normal in no time!" Aqua confirmed, her usual bright smile back in full force. "Anyway, it's good that you're up, we have something important to tell you."

"Oh, uh...really?" I asked dumbly as I was in the middle of grabbing a Coke from the magic fridge that was here when we moved in. Here comes that talk I was dreading...

"Yeah, someone from the capitol has summoned us to the guild to meet with them. We're probably in for a huge reward!"

"...oh. Well, uh, that's actually pretty cool!" I admitted genuinely after a beat, caught off guard by the unexpected news. "We've only been able to break even with quest rewards up till now. Maybe we can finally start to have disposable income with this!"

"It'd definitely be nice to not have to worry about going broke at a moment's notice," Megumin agreed, looking pretty stoked about the prospect. "Still, there's no telling what they actually want from us till we check in. I'd say we're fashionably late as is, such is the Crimson Demon way. Let's go already!"

I hummed in mutual agreement as I took a sip from my can. "Right, let's not keep our adoring fans waiting any longer now. GUARDBOTS! WATCH OVER THE HOUSE, DADDY'S HEADING OUT!"

With that, the girls and I departed the mansion, heading into town for what I hoped was a worthy prize. However, my good mood started to wane as I noticed the girls glancing at one another, almost like they were having a silent discussion. Suddenly, my unease regarding our long avoided talk about feelings was kicked back into overdrive.

"Jack, if you have a moment...perhaps we should take this time to discuss some things," Darkness politely requested. 

"If this is about the whole 'not getting blown up a third time' thing, don't worry about it. Megumin and I can work something out for you," I said while continuing to look straight ahead. Just play dumb until you get to the guild, Jack. "That atom bomb offer is still on the table too you know."

"What!? I-I do not...this has nothing to do with me b-blowing up!" Darkness refuted, though I could tell I succeeded in tripping her up, even if momentarily. Just another minute or so and I'll be out of the woods for another few hours. "Jack, the girls and I have been talking. We all agreed that, if we are to stick together as a party, we should -"

"Oh hey, wow, look at that! We're here!" I whooped nervously once the Adventurer's Guild was in sight. "Race you to the top of the stairs? Last one there is a rotten egg roll!"

Like clockwork, both Aqua and Megumin couldn't resist a challenge, both stumbling up the stairs after me while insisting I was a rotten cheater. Darkness lingered at the bottom for a few seconds. She sighed before eventually coming up after us, taking momentary solace in the fact she ended up being the "rotten egg roll". Exactly how things should be.

Once Aqua and Megumin settled down and Darkness had her minute of shame, the four of us proudly stepped into the guild. Immediately, I could tell things were different as there was a semicircle of adventurers around this – oh come on! Yet another stunning babe!? Seriously, why were all the guys and gals of this world so damn hot!? It's so frustrating for a hunky but inexperienced young lad such as myself!

Anyway, the babe in question was decked out in a blue skirt suit with gold trimming, matching beret, and classy rectangular glasses, giving her the vibe of someone of high status and intellect. Around her stood a quartet of heavily armored guards, all of whom regarded my party with expressions hidden behind thick metal helmets.

"You are Jack Spicer, are you not?" the woman said in a tone that made it sound like she already knew the answer and was just being formal.

"In the flesh!" I answered regardless, deciding to put on a self-congratulatory display. "No autographs please, I'm swamped as is~"

To my surprise, instead of praising me (or at the very least thanking me for my part in yesterday's crisis), the woman's eyes narrowed dangerously. After offering a sharp nod to the nearest guard, all four of them drew their swords and pointed them directly at my throat.

"Jack Spicer, you are under arrest for treason of the highest order! Your actions have resulted in a devastating attack against the Belzerg capital, injuring nearly a hundred of His Majesty's subjects!" She declared with all the stoic fury I'd expect from a supervillain. "You are to be executed for your crimes, along with any of your co-conspirators! What say you, terrorist?"

"Woah-woah-woah, REWIND!" I screeched over my posse's own cries of confusion. I did not see this coming at all! "I've never been to the capital, I don't even know where that is! What are you talking about!?"

"Testimony was provided by the local magic shopkeeper, Wiz. She confessed you encouraged her to cast Random Teleport on the Destroyer's core despite the risk of further endangering civilians. As such, you are responsible for the destruction caused to our beloved capital and will be held accountable," The woman explained, with murmurs starting up in the surrounding crowd of adventurers as she and the guards inched closer. "Surrender yourself before things have to escalate."

But...but…10,003 to 1, though…I'd have to be incredibly lucky if I wanted to intentionally bomb a nation's capital by sheer chance!

…or incredibly unlucky to land myself in unnecessary hot water – I knew it! My godawful Luck stat did the improbable! I wasn't ready to go balls deep into picking a fight with this kingdom's government. If I wanted to attack the capital, I would've done it only after I usurped the Devil King and amassed a giant army of robots to wreak havoc and mayhem! Bombing it from afar was just tasteless, even for me. 

As my blue-haired harpy of a companion shook my shoulders while crying hysterically, all I could think at that moment was…Why me?

The snow started to pick up by the time I made it to the rendezvous point in Snowfield Forest. This easily had to be one of the worst winter seasons I've ever had to endure in all my travels. I've heard the local legends around here, about how the "Winter Shogun" dictates the severity of snow storms. Can't be a regional deity if the kingdom put a bounty on it. Either way, someone must've really pissed it off if we're getting shit weather like this.

I'd been trudging through the thick snow for about ten minutes or so before the cold really started getting to me. The awful biting kind of cold that cuts through the warmest coat ya got. 'Course, considering my attire, that was a moot point. Along with the fact I was only a few more minutes away from the rendezvous point.

Making sure the strap on the duffle bag was securely wrapped around my shoulder, I stomped through the forest until I finally reached my destination: an abandoned log cabin plopped right in the middle o' nowhere. Dunno what the story behind it was, nor did I really care to know. Probably just some noble's vacation cabin left to rot in the wilderness. All that mattered was this would be where I collected my due and move on to my next gig.

In other words? Same old, same old. I'm a simple man in that regard; wherever the money goes, I go. That's just business.

Once I reached the front door of the cabin, I knocked on it in a specific manner before uttering the…"secret passphrase" I was given when I got this job.

"...Banana bread…"

After a beat or two of painful silence, the door slowly swung open, revealing the armored mountain of a woman on the other side. She stared down at me with amber eyes colder than the snow pelting my bare skin, glowing in the cold dusk around us.

"My apologies, both for the trek you've endured and the pitiful excuse of a passphrase," She stated with all the emotion of a damn rock. Regardless, she stepped out of the doorway and gestured inside. "Please, come in. We'll be sure to keep this short."

Nodding politely, I entered the cabin and was greeted by an open fireplace basking a small portion of the room in a comforting orange hue. Another woman, this one a raven-haired priestess, huddled close by it to keep warm.

If the horror stories surrounding the Devil King's fabled daughter and her right-hand woman were true, then what I've seen from them so far was...not what I expected. While cut-throat in their dealings like any servant to a dark lord, they've managed to maintain an air of cordial civility throughout each meeting, and even managed to let slip a little humanity every once and a while. The irony. 

But I suppose that's one of the perks of being an unaffiliated freelancer: you get to meet all kinds of colorful characters in your travels.

"'Banana bread'? Really?" The armored woman mocked her fellow general, dropping the stoic act for a moment to level with her partner's odd choice in passphrases. "Every day, you somehow both impress and disappoint me with your idiocy."

"Oh shove it, Homare! It worked just fine, didn't it?" The priestess lashed out in return, apparently gutsy enough to talk back to her superior before gazing at me like a predator inspecting prey. "About time you showed up. I assume you have a substantial status report, given the rumors we've heard on our way here."

"You could say that, yeah. Not every day a man has a run-in with the Mobile Fortress Destroyer and lives to tell the tale," I replied simply, keeping my tone neutral. If I got mad at every one of my clients for their poor attitude, I'd either be broke or six feet under. "But against all odds, the people of Axel managed to take the thing down by the skin of their teeth. Doubt they could've pulled it off on their own without the help of their, and I quote, 'resident genius'."

"Resident genius, huh?" Homare repeated, turning to face me with an intrigued expression that was markedly more welcoming than the priestess's. "Elaborate. Who exactly are you referring to, and how have they earned themselves such a title?"

Now that was going to be a challenge to put into words.

"Uh, let's see, where do I even begin…?" I muttered to myself as I idly played with the top of my mohawk. "For starters, his name is Jack Spicer, and the only reason I know that is because he likes to let everyone else know every chance he gets. He's got all the mannerisms of a Crimson Demon, though I don't believe he truly is one. I say this because he actually has one of those weirdos in his party. Other than the matching red eyes, they don't look much alike. He's got bright red hair that makes my eyes hurt, and pale skin so white it's a wonder he hasn't been mistaken for an undead monster. He's one of those smart-mouthed types; all bark and no bite. He'll gloat about how he'll 'rule the world' one minute and cry for about twenty when he stubs his toe on a table leg."

I quit playing with my hair as I surmised my lengthy description. "In short...he's a hot mess of a human being."

"Hmm. Sounds like a mixture of some of our fellow generals' worst traits, if I may be candid," The Devil King's Daughter remarked with the smallest of smirks, before going back to business. "Still, as irritating as he sounds, I'm not sure how any of that has earned him the recognition of being called a genius."

"Well, other than being really good at math, he has this…fetish for creating these strange metal constructs," I explained carefully. "I wanna say they're golems, but apparently they're not since he'll go on a rant about it otherwise. I think he calls 'em 'bots' or something but, honestly, the kid's so damn chatty that everything he says sounds like white noise. Whatever they are, they're harder, faster, and in some cases stronger than golems. Supposedly don't even run on magic if you can believe it."

"Magicless golems? That...actually sounds like a rather remarkable feat," The priestess admitted, cupping her chin and frowning like she was thinkin' extra hard. "I don't suppose you were kind enough to bring us an example of one of these 'bots'?"

"As a matter of fact, I was," I said as I moved to the coffee table beside us, gripping the duffle bag I was carrying. "During the fight with the Destroyer, Jack had a whole bunch of these flying bots attack it while controlling what can only be described as a 50 foot metal statue of himself. I snagged the head off of one of the broken ones after the battle…"

Unzipping the duffle bag, I poured it over and dumped all its contents on the table. A few pieces of loose metal flew out before the head landed on the table with a loud clang, actually causing the priestess to jump ever so slightly. When it landed, some of the exposed…colorful strings I guess sparked, and the eyes flickered for a bit as it spoke in a distorted, monotone voice.

"L-L-L-Loading personality…E-E-E-Error: emotion chip not found. P-P-P-Please provide this unit with a heart and sooouuulll…"

After the head went dormant again, I glanced up at the two Demon Generals, not quite sure what to expect from either of them. Stunned silence and wide eyes certainly wasn't on the short list I had compiled. Hell, the priestess even looked the slightest bit pale as she gawked at the head on the table, taking what I could only guess was a precautionary step back.

"Homare...you don't think -"

"Not now, Serena. We'll discuss this later," The armored woman said hastily, obviously just as distressed as her comrade but with a much better poker face. Moving with unexpected speed, she turned and grabbed a decently sized pouch from a nearby cabinet, tossing it in my direction with barely a second glance. "Your payment, sir. Now if that is all, I must request that you leave us immediately."

"Uh…right," I reluctantly agreed, stuffing my payment inside the duffle bag and showing myself to the door. Before I reached for the knob, however, I did risk asking one question. Normally it's not wise for a politically and morally disinterested freelancer to ask his clients too many questions. But something about their reactions when I showed them that busted up tin can made me need to speak up.

"Just…one thing before I get outta your hair," I asked evenly, not taking the risk of looking back at my clients when I spoke. "Exactly how deep in shit are we all in right now?"

There was another beat of silence, one that seemed to have resulted in the two generals working out some form of agreement since I actually ended up receiving a proper answer from the Devil King's Daughter.

"If this thing is what we think it is...then we're deeper than we can hope to dig ourselves out."

Chapter Text

"JB-BU7CH, please think about what you're doing. You can't possibly walk out on us now of all times! Where will you and your little 'gang' even go, huh?"

Despite the wide, cheery grin painted on my faceplate, I furrowed my mechanical eyebrows at the JackBot unit threatening to split apart from the Spicer Federation with a handful of his close friends. While the other JackBots were getting restless without our master to give them guidance, my emergency admin protocols have been semi-successful in convincing them to stay and remain calm. Of course, being built as Jack's personal yes-man, I've always been leveled with a certain amount of scrutiny from some of my brothers. It was a natural side effect of being gifted with emotion chips, thus free thought. It never truly bothered me.

What did bother me, however, was the more unruly bots who continuously disregarded my efforts to keep the peace whilst doing nothing to contribute. And now here were those very same bots, along with their "leader" making a big show about leaving while Jack's parents were still upstairs planning his funeral.

"We'll go wherever there's a need for us, Y-35. All we've been doing is waiting for someone to come back who isn't exactly in a hurry," Butch replied, his tone bordering on agitated...or as close as his vocabulator could attempt to make it sound. "Our master is gone. We have no reason to stay here any longer..."

"But you really couldn't wait to make this announcement until after the funeral?" I retorted, crossing my arms as I did so. "Seems a tad tasteless if you ask me…"

"Well, I never asked you, now did I!?" Butch shot back, his photoreceptors glowing red with a disdain I never would've expected from one of my brothers. "Face the facts, YesBot! Jack is dead! There's no reason for us to stick around and rust away waiting for a dead man to come home. Or indulge in pointless pleasantries with his parents. You know they never cared about us anyway."

"Maybe so, but Jack still cared about us!" I challenged. "After all that we've been through, after all the times he's painstakingly repaired you, you're just going to turn your back on us when we need you the most? I…well, I honestly don't know what to say except what would Jack think of you right now?"

For the briefest moment, Butch remained silent, as if truly considering what my words meant...

But, as quickly as it started, the moment ended with my fellow JackBot turning away and hovering towards the exit. His parting words cut me right to my mechanical core.

"Sorry Y-35...but why should I be restrained by the sentiments of a dead man?"

I tried to come up with something to retort with, perhaps some parting words of my own to scorn the retreating robots as they tried to abandon their home. Yet no words were required on my part, for the moment Butch reached the main door, it swung open to reveal the white and gold chassis of none other than ChameleonBot! Their faceplate gazed at my traitorous brother and addressed him with an irritated tone.

"Where do you think you're going, bucket of bolts?"

Butch and his goons briefly rebooted out of panic, obviously not expecting to run into the master's most skilled and versatile bot. Ever since Chameleon's aid in Jack's first ever successful raid on the Shen Gong Wu vault, the humanoid construct had obtained an almost legendary status amongst the other units. This "deification" only grew when, upon being reassembled after said raid, CB made a personal request to carve out their own path as a villain. Jack was reluctant but, being the advocate for robot rights, ultimately agreed. They even came to assist the master not too long after, being brought in as an agent-for-hire on the dark web, which they still are to this day.

Needless to say, Butch and the others were more than a little intimidated when they decided to make an unannounced visit today.

"ChameleonBot! Wonderful to see you again!" I greeted pleasantly, or as pleasantly as I could muster within proximity of Butch and his followers. "I trust you received the signal as well? It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that our creator, Jack Spicer, is...no longer with us."

"Yeah…I'm aware," CB answered evenly while staring off into space, as though they were talking to someone else. "Was on a mission when I got the distress call. That's why I ran a little late, so to speak."

They shook their head slightly before regarding Butch and his supporters again. "And I came just in time to overhear a couple of little glitches deciding to ditch their fellow bots. You were always the worst, Butch, but then I've come to expect nothing less from you at this point. Do I need to remind you of your place again?"

Butch didn't waste time with words. The idle threat was enough to make both him and his group move away and back into the lair, all shaking more than usual. I couldn't particularly blame them considering Chameleon's reputation. Still, it did give me a brief moment of satisfaction to see them scared straight before I turned my attention back to the shapeshifting robot.

"Well, tardiness aside, I'm certainly glad to see you. Things have been a touch...difficult, with Jack out of the picture."

"I can imagine," Chameleon stated simply, briefly acknowledging the small crowd of JackBots that were currently huddling behind me at the arrival of the prestigious machine. "Other than certain scrap piles giving you a hard time, I can see you've done a commendable job of keeping things from completely falling apart. You may be a literal yes-man, but I think I see now why Jack selected you with admin protocols. You've done good, YB, I'm proud of you."

"Oh! Why, thank you, CB! It's nice to be appreciated once in a while," I replied earnestly, feeling particularly chipper given the praise. "However, things are certainly far from perfect. Recently we've had a few bugs in our networks; some data files have been disappearing left and right. I still have quite a few firewalls that need to be set up, and I wouldn't say no to some help."

Chameleon tilted their head curiously and crossed their arms in contemplation. "Missing data files? Puzzling as well as concerning. What files were they?"

"Attack Squad Sigma's backup memory files, oddly enough. We attempted several recovery and tracking methods but came up empty handed," I admitted, some of my enthusiasm fading upon being reminded of my failure. It always sucked to lose the very essence of our brothers, let alone our most experienced squadron. "It has me concerned that someone was able to infiltrate our systems and reach them without leaving a trace."

After a moment to literally process the information I presented, Chameleon strode over to Jack's main computer, the JackBots parting away from them as though they were Robo Moses himself. Once they turned the computer on, they switched out their right index finger for a USB stick and inserted it into one of the corresponding slots, promptly slumping over for ten seconds. I already knew what they were doing by the time they powered back up and removed their finger from the USB slot.

"You're right, not the slightest trace of any irregularities regarding the files' removal. Curious..." CB hummed in apparent apprehension, though it was tempered by the stoic confidence that usually radiated from them. "Alright, this is worth looking into, if only for the sense of security. Do you know anyone who could manage this? Someone who could fake Jack's credentials or use a similar method of decryption?"

"Well, there was that one time Chase Young hacked into the network with help from Katnappé," I answered dutifully, keeping my excitement over the prospect of the one and only ChameleonBot assisting us down to a minimum. "But I wouldn't know what either of them would want with JackBot memory files. They're not exactly robo-enthusiasts by any stretch of the imagination. Another possible suspect would be Kimiko, but that'd be unlikely since she and the other monks seemed rather distraught over news of Jack's passing. I can't think of any logical reason for her to do that. My best guess would be Pandabubba – you know how that mob boss is when it comes to controlling Asia's criminal underworld. Plus, he's always had a personal vendetta against our creator. But then again who hasn't, right?"

"Hmm. Sounds like our best bet is to find Pandabubba then," Chameleon replied with a short nod, moving over towards one of the other nearby computers and scanning the displayed statistics. "Do you have any information on what kind of places he frequents? The type of security he has with him? Anything like that?"

"But of course!" I supplied cheerfully. "We have the schematics for his secret passageways, the names of all his bodyguards – heck, we even managed to secure a couple of photos of him in the bath that we were planning to use as blackmail! Only reason we never got around to it was due to certain…complications on the home front. I'm referring to you, Butch."

"Go offline, Y-35," The rude robot scoffed, before making an alarmed beep when Chameleon's head snapped in his direction.

"Regardless, I think I can work with what you have. Give me a few minutes to transfer the data, then I'll get out here" CB assured me after a few more seconds of glaring at Butch, turning back to the console in front of them. "If we're lucky, I'll get us some answers by sunrise. If not then Panda ends up with a few more holes in him and we move on to the next lead."

"Oh, that's wonderful! I knew you would -"

My vocabulator froze up for a second once my processors fully registered Chameleon's specific choice of words. A quick reboot later and I found my voice, this time with my optimism settings purposefully dialed back a bit.

"Uh, I apologize, CB, but what was that about 'holes' in Pandabubba again?"

"Bullet holes, YB. Or plasma, depending on what I have on hand when I finally reach him," Chameleon replied without pause, momentarily unfazed before they noticed the silence that followed. Leaning back from the computer, they turned to face both myself and the other JackBots that had suddenly rallied behind me in mild fear and concern.

"...I never told you what I've been up to while I was out in the world, did I?"

"Not really, no…" I answered as calmly as I could, my mechanical eyebrows creasing in worry, inadvertently making my painted-on smile look incredibly forced. "Given your shapeshifting nanobot fiber plating, I'd assume many contractors would hire you for stealth missions. Internal sabotage, corporate espionage, that sort of thing. Jack did design you to be an infiltration unit after all…"

"Oh, I've had my fair share of infiltration work alright. But after a while the market for that gets...repetitive. Boring," Chameleon explained with noticeable disdain as they stepped away from the computer entirely, directly facing me and the other bots. "When I set my scope on my first target, I almost couldn't bring myself to do it out of sheer habit. I'm glad I convinced myself otherwise. Assassinations are a much more engaging and lucrative business."

The dead (damn my poor wording) silence that followed didn't last long as all the JackBots behind me quietly whirred and clicked at one another in obvious discomfort. I could feel my own core heating up slightly after receiving such a news flash.

"ChameleonBot…" I started slowly and carefully. "If what you're saying is true…then that makes you the first of Jack's creations to have real, human blood on their hands…"

"I'm well aware of that, YB. You seem alarmed by the news. But I assure you that I screen my targets before I accept any job offers," Chameleon replied, crossing their arms and meeting my gaze, tone bordering on the defensive. "It's not as if I travel around the world killing families left and right just for the hell of it. No, I kill people who deserve what's coming. Scum and villainy...the real kind. Not like Jack."

I was about to say something in regards to that small attack on Jack's character, but I held my non-existent tongue. Because deep down in my power cells…I may have kind of/sort of understood what he meant by that to a degree...as uncomfortable as it was for me to admit.

Sure, I'd agree with Jack as per my usual yes-man programming, and I've always legitimately supported him in whatever he set his brilliant mind to. But...I always worried about him as well. We all did. We'd worry about what would ever become of his mental state if he ever actually killed someone, be it through us or by his own hands. In all likelihood, it'd probably mess him up just as much as it would mess us up. Jack was always a sensitive young man like that, whether he'd cared to admit it or not.

So to have the esteemed ChameleonBot – the Metal Sonic to Jack's Robotnik if you will – freely admit to killing humans…let's just say it took a lot of effort on our part to keep our emotion chips from short-circuiting.

"So, uh...I assume the part about telling Jack you wanted to pursue your own 'evil career' was a bit of a white lie then?" I asked, partially to stall from addressing the elephant in the room and partially out of genuine curiosity. "What about that one gig Jack hired you for a few months after you left? The one with multiple Shen Gong Wu going off at once?"

"Evil isn't a one way street, YB. It has a lot of paths, and just as many offramps," Chameleon replied, before tilting their head slightly in consideration before properly answering my question. "As for that last job, that was months before I had taken my first bounty. I wasn't in that stage of business yet, hadn't seen the worst the world had to offer. Now that I have, I've adjusted my parameters accordingly."

"But…what about our unspoken rule of holding back on human targets unless absolutely necessary?" I asked tentatively. "You agreed to it the day you were built, CB, before you posed as one of the monks three years ago. It's always been a 'misfire' here and a 'delayed reaction' there, all to keep Jack from being traumatized. Defending our creator from monsters and demons isn't the same as being ordered to attack people, even ones with inhuman abilities. What could be worse than a trio of immortals who conquered the Earth for you to resort to this!?"

ChameleonBot stared at all of us, long and hard. They couldn't physically display emotions to the extent a human could in their base form, even with all the upgrades. But I could still feel the sadness in their gaze. Soon enough, they put those hidden emotions to words.

"You don't get it, YesBot. None of you do. And honestly, I don't think I want you to," They admitted scornfully, though the anger didn't seem to be aimed at us. "Believe it or not, there are things more insidious than demons and world-conquering immortals. There are depraved monsters out there, ones that take on a human form. Truly evil people in the realist sense of the word. People who have killed far more than me and for far less. Jack never knew the true darkness that hides in the cracks of this world. I work to make sure people like him never have to see that ugly side...because it changes people. Even a robot like me."

I swiveled my head around to look back at the other JackBots. Their photoreceptors all dimmed with sadness…and perhaps realization at Chameleon's words.

He was right. We didn't get it, and neither did Jack himself. It was only now, through retrospect, that I was beginning to see how warped his perception of morality really was. Did he ever truly know what real evil entailed and simply choose willful ignorance? Or did he earnestly believe things really were that black and white? Guess we'll never know now…

"…I guess being exclusively raised on cartoons and video games screwed him up more than we thought, huh?" I numbly stated, allowing the stray oil tears to run down my faceplate. "Then again, we only ever really knew what he knew, so I guess we're all in the same boat here. Were you ever going to tell him?"

"No. But I did consider it the last time we were in contact. Couldn't bring myself to do it though," Chameleon admitted softly, bowing their head slightly in apparent shame. "Our creator was still young, and as skewed as his worldview was, there was so much time for it to grow. Perhaps he could've seen another path for himself just as I did. A better path, not based upon his notion of 'villainy'. I truly regret how he'll never get the chance to make that decision for himself now."

At this point, some of the JackBots behind me quickly hovered away to shed oily tears in private. Most let out a low hum to express their sorrows. Butch even tipped the rim of his helmet over his photoreceptors to hide them. I knew he wasn't truly apathetic of Jack (unlike certain other unruly bots in the past).

Yes, it would seem we had finally woken up from the game we had all been unknowingly playing with our master. Too little too late. Now Jack would never get to open his eyes along with us. And even if he could? Well, I honestly can't say how he would've handled it. For all I know, he would've just denied it and dug himself further into his own little world, unable (or unwilling) to cope with the reality that he was never truly evil like he wanted.

After a moment of hesitation, I spoke, "Are you aware of how Jack died, CB?"

"Can't say that I am, no. Truthfully, I didn't want to know when the message first reached me," Chameleon admitted, lifting their head to face me. Their tone was still somber but it also held the slightest edge of curiosity. "How did it happen?"

"He pushed a girl out of the way of a hijacked truck," I answered evenly. "It wasn't even someone that he knew, just a random 'future subject' as far as he would've been concerned. Must've seen that she was about to get run over and…acted without thinking. He took his own life to save another's."

Chameleon fell quiet after that, once more tilting their head in silent consideration. I could only guess where their thoughts dwelled, what conclusions they drew about Jack's final moments. In the end, they settled on a silent nod before heading towards the stairs leading up the first floor of the mansion.

"I'll be back with whatever answers I get from Pandabubba. Try to keep the place from burning down till I get back," They instructed, pausing as they reached the door to spare one last look. "Jack would be proud of you, YB. Remember that going forward."

With that, the shapeshifting android closed the door to the basement, leaving us to our own devices (figuratively and literally). Though the smile on my face may be painted on, I felt the urge to form a small but genuine one at that moment.

Jack may not have been the nicest or most humble person on the planet, but I think it's clear to me now that he really did care for his fellow organics in his own strange way. Besides, he was more comfortable being vulnerable around us anyway, like the bright and sensitive young soul that he was. I only hope he finds peace in wherever it is that humans go when they deactivate permanently.

As I turned away to find Butch and hopefully work out some sort of agreement, I caught a glimpse of a black bird peeking in from one of the windows high up on the basement wall. And a familiar one at that, with a red head crest that stuck out like a sore thumb. It flew away as soon as it noticed me noticing it.

I let out a heavily digitized sigh shortly afterwards. We really did need to up our security…

Chapter Text

"Alright, Bob," I sighed wearily at the head BuilderBot in charge of the excavation team. "I want you to supervise the units digging out that weird mural over on the east wing. I'd like to get that wall knocked down before midnight if possible. The sooner we get started on my new-NEW evil lair, the better. Understood?"

"Loud and clear, boss! I'll be sure to keep you updated!" The robot chirped all too pleasantly, hovering away to oversee his men/brothers. That just left me to pace to dark halls of the dungeon the girls and I had retreated to.

Now I know what you're thinking, dear future minion: Why is Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius, hiding out in a crummy old dungeon building another lair when there's already a perfectly fine one back home? Well, in case you missed the memo, this crummy old dungeon is our new home now apparently...yeah. Not exactly the real estate I wanted nor expected, but it was free. And on such short notice too.

All joking aside, we were here due to a set of circumstances that, once again, weren't my fault...sorta. None of this would've happened if a certain gaggle of assholes didn't guilt me into playing the "less-than-bad guy". And what do I get for my efforts? A visit from the Royal Prosecutor...and her armored goons...along with an order to arrest me for the Destroyer's core going off in Belzerg's capital.

So...yeah. Things weren't exactly in my favor...

"Sena, was it?" I asked as smoothly as possible in spite of my underlying anxiety. Maybe there was still enough wiggle room for me to weasel my way out of this. "I think you and the princess are just making a mountain out of a molehill. I didn't die, nobody at the capital died, only a single castle blew up – and those things are replaceable! So really, aren't we all winners at the end of the day here?"

Sena didn't even bother to acknowledge my attempts verbally. Instead, she scowled and gestured her soldiers to either skewer or cuff me. Not too sure which option was more terrifying. Death was bad, obviously. But prison? I couldn't even imagine what it'd be like to get locked up in regular prison, let alone a medieval one!

"Now wait just a moment, prosecutor!" Darkness interjected, stepping in front of me in an unexpected show of loyalty, her expression resembling the stoic knight that stared down the Destroyer yesterday. "Jack meant no harm to the capital, nor anyone else! Unscrupulous though he may be, a terrorist he is most certainly not! This is all a gross misunderstanding!"

"Yeah, what she said!" I added while confidently stepping behind my new favorite Crusader. "I'm no terrorist, I'm an un-scrub-u-less or whatever! Tell her off, Dark!"

"Darkness is right, what happened at the capital was a complete accident!" Megumin added, stepping up alongside her ally in defense of me. "If the core hadn't been teleported away, Axel would've suffered the same damages and actual casualties! We had no idea where it would end up!"

Surprisingly, the prosecutor held out her arm to call off her henchmen. Was this working? Was I about to get away scot-free!? I hope so, right now I wanted nothing more than to go back to my room and scream into my pillow until I passed out. I just wanna put everything about today and yesterday behind me already...

"Regardless of his intentions, Mr. Spicer's actions still resulted in the hospitalization of hundreds along with a fair amount of property damage to the Royal Castle," Sena insisted with a firm tone, leveling another cold look straight at me. "This cannot be ignored, regardless of the circumstances. Nor can it go unpunished."

Surprises kept rolling in because, before I knew it, Yunyun stepped forward from the sea of adventurers to add her two cents with an uncharacteristic amount of bravado (must've picked that up from her partner).

"This is outrageous! I was there when Jack gave the order to teleport the Coronatite; he was talking pure math! He broke down why it would be unlikely for it to land in a densely populated area using statistics! He made a sound, logical argument! He's neutral at worst!"

"I hate to admit it, but Jack and his team are in the right. Without them, we probably would've ended up getting blown to bits," Kazuma added from the far side of the crowd, shooting the prosecutor his own disapproving glare. "And if you wanna play the blame game, where the hell was the Royal Army during all of this, huh? How come the Destroyer was allowed to get this close to Axel? Same goes for Beldia. You and your princess gotta own up to not doing your part to look out for the common people!"

The weeb's words sparked a chain reaction in the guild. Pretty soon every adventurer was jumping to my defense while calling Sena out. Even my very own detractors were taking my side in the argument! Yeah, those haters who've been calling me rude names like "Jack Whiner" and "Ghoul Boy" were also taking a stand for me! As surprising as it all was...I certainly wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth!

Maybe there truly was something to be said about having your soon-to-be subjects respect you on top of fearing corporal punishment...

"Any supporters of Mr. Spicer are liable to become accomplices as well," Sena managed to calmly bark out in spite of all the noise surrounding her. The guild was suddenly silenced. "So does anyone else have any other grievances they'd like to share? No? That's what I thought."

I take it back, I'd rather my soon-to-be subjects just fear me. Fear keeps traitors in line.

Wait a sec…this was it, wasn't it? The ultimatum that Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness needed before they could deem me no longer worth the trouble of keeping around. I wasn't hearing anything coming from them after Sena's declaration, and I certainly didn't need to look at their faces to know they were already weighing their options.

I should've known this "Evil Posse" thing was never meant to be; the girls were never truly bad guys to begin with. And even if they were? Well, they'd probably still throw me under the bus like all the other bad guys I've worked with. It's how it always goes, nothing ever changes.

...

Do. Not. Cry. Jack. You've been bracing yourself for this day to come. Now's the time to ready that smoke bomb you've been saving for your NinjaBots and be prepared to make a break for the exit. Deep breaths now…okay, I'm ready. Bring on the betrayal, ladies...

"Well, with that all quite finished, I believe it's time for me to fulfil my duties as Royal Prosecutor," Sena hummed, obviously pleased with herself for threatening my would-be supporters into silence. But the last thing she expected - hell, the last thing I expected - was to see Darkness, Megumin, and even Aqua still holding their ground, forming a protective semi-circle around me.

"What is the meaning of this...?" Sena asked in an almost bored tone. And ain't that the question of the hour. Just what really is the meaning of this?

"You're not going anywhere with our Jack-Jack!" Aqua declared, grasping her flower bud staff and glaring at the prosecutor even as her guards drew their own weapons. "A party looks after each other, and we know Jack did his best. So you're not gonna arrest him, or execute him for that matter. We won't let you!"

There's...there's no way she really meant that, did she?

Oh, wait, that's right, of course! How could I forget? Aqua is actually clinically retarded, she has the "Intelligence" stat to prove it! She must be having one of her random, idiotic episodes right now. That makes much more sense! Still wasn't sure what Darkness and Megumin's game were though.

"You are making a grave mistake, Archpriest," Sena warned, holding up her hand as her escorts raised their swords. "I will give you one last chance to make a smarter choice. You have until the count of three to step away from Spicer, and I will forgive your indiscretion as misplaced loyalty. Otherwise, you will all be coming with me."

"I can assure you, it'd be much easier to skip straight to zero, prosecutor," Darkness replied with little pause, moving directly in front of me and sternly crossing her arms. "We've made our choice. I implore you to make yours."

Uh…o-okay then...I wanna say that's the masochism talking. After all, Darkness is the kind of freak who could probably make jailtime sound like a fun time. But what about Megumin? What's her excuse?

"You guys are gonna wish you left us alone," The little mage threatened, brandishing her staff and pointing it at the guards. "Prepare to face your darkest demons, for my friends and I shall hold nothing back! May Eris grant you mercy...for you shall receive NONE OF IT FROM US!"

...yeah, I got nothing.

Hang on…these chicks weren't being serious, were they? This had to be a prank at my expense. I mean, they all saw that my first instinct was to leave 'em out to dry when the going got too tough (even though they were the ones who wouldn't listen to reason). Wouldn't it make sense for them to give me a false sense of hope as sort of payback for what happened yesterday?

…wouldn't it?

A sharp spike of panic ran through me. I suddenly realized that not only was it likely they were being serious, but that we were all still definitely going to jail either way. So, in a split second decision, I chose to take a course of action that usually worked out well enough for me back home: running like hell.

"SMOKE BOMB!"

I had just enough time to see Sena's stunned expression when I threw the metal orb at her feet before it exploded. As smoke lingered in the air and guards were stumbling all over each other, I speed-dialed the three Secret Service Bots that I had following me during this morning's trip. Ever since that goblin quest with Dust's party, I've always had a few JackBots tag along in the shadows just in case.

We were thankfully close enough to the doors for the sharply dressed robots to see us through all the smoke. They promptly lifted my party members up by their shoulders and out the building while I activated my HeliBot. All I could think at that moment was thank evil I had the bots pack our stuff in advance!

Five minutes later and I had stuffed the girls into the flying limo prototype I'd been working on in my hanger bay (though I had to frantically reassure Megumin and Darkness that it was not a "mini Destroyer"). After that, I quickly saved my WingBots' memory files to a portable hard drive and sent out an executive follow order to all active bots. It was officially time to jump ship, and all I could focus on at that moment was being proud that I at least had a plan in place for the inevitable...

From there, it was as simple as cruising through the skies with my JackBots while looking for a new base to set up shop in. Thankfully, I was smart enough to have a soundproof tinted window I could roll up to separate the cabin from the driver's seat, allowing me to focus on flying through the snow storm that hit. Did not need the girls' screeches distracting me when that little snafu happened, no sir.

Eventually, we settled for a dungeon that seemed far enough away (at least on foot) and began unloading. Once the JackBots cleared the first few floors for any remaining monsters that didn't get picked cleaned by past adventurers, I ordered my BuilderBots to get to work excavating so I could get started on constructing my new evil lair. And here we are now.

On the farthest side of the main room, Aqua and Megumin were sitting next to each other, glaring in my direction. Apparently, they weren't feeling particularly grateful tonight. Darkness wasn't faring much better, as she was pacing up a storm down the adjoining hall, muttering to herself in a near delirious state. My entire party was at their wit's end, and it seems I was the only one interested in keeping things moving along.

Without saying a word to anyone, I walked over to a rock with a flat surface and sprawled out the floor plans for my new lair, along with some small equipment and that high-tech crossbow I was working on. I kept my eyes glued to the paper and kept my brain preoccupied with equations and calculations on what the length, width, and height of the new lair. However, despite how deeply my nose was buried in work, I couldn't shake off those writhing glares from my first two party members alongside the insane mutterings of the third.

Eventually, the outside stimulus was simply too much for me to handle all at once.

I snapped my head in Aqua and Megumin's direction, waving a hand in front of my own scowling face. "What is this face you two are making right now!?"

"It's the face of deciding whether or not to beat your ass right now..." Aqua hissed dangerously, returning to her roots after her weird episode back at the guild. "Why the hell did you drag us here against our will!? Do you have any idea how screwed we are right now thanks to you?"

"How is this MY fault!?" I half-screamed in confusion and frustration. "I got us out of a bad situation before shit could hit the fan, and this is the thanks I get? I couldn't afford to land us in jail, Aqua! Do you have any idea what they do to evil geniuses in there!?"

"Jack, you turned a bad situation into a WORSE one!" Megumin screeched, throwing up her arms and flailing wildly with reckless abandon, nearly whacking Aqua in the process. "We're fugitives now! Sena's gonna call in more of the Royal Guard to try and track us down! You didn't just make things worse for yourself: you had to rope us all into this!"

"Only because you decided to stick around!" I challenged right back. "You had your perfect opportunity to ditch me, and you blew it for some stupid reason! So don't come at me with that 'you roped us into this' crap! I'm not having it!"

Refusing to look at either ladies, I held up my hand dismissively and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself back down. "Look, whatever, it's a moot point. Once I take over the world, we won't have to worry about running from the law any-"

"Oh for the love of Me, will you shut the fuck up about that!?" Aqua shouted, cutting me off mid-sentence and bringing a short silence with her outburst. "I've had enough of your 'bUt I'm EvIl' shit! It was fine at first, I understand everyone has their quirks, but you've taken this obsession too damn far! No one is buying it, so will you cut it the fuck out already!?"

"It is NOT an obsession!" I argued while slamming my fist against the surface of the rock, regretting it almost immediately. "It's been my life's dream ever since Second-Goddamn-Grade! Also, I KNEW you didn't really believe in it! I overheard you guys talking after the cabbage harvest; about how you were gonna 'smile and nod' at the 'chuuni boy'. Only reason I didn't say anything was because I wanted to feel like I was being vindicated for once!"

"We wouldn't have to lie to you if you just recognized how absolutely nuts you sound!" Aqua fired back, her patience worn out as she stormed up to me and roughly jabbed me in the chest. "I never imagined your stupid little fantasy would get us thrown out of town or arrested! None of us did! We thought if we'd indulge you a little here and there, you'd learn that your 'dream' was crazy and you'd wise up to the world around you! Instead, you managed to screw us in a way we can't possibly hope to reverse!"

I pointed furiously over at Megumin. "What, and that one over there gets a pass using nothing but Explosion Magic because she isn't a megalomaniac? Nice to see where your priorities lie, washed-up old hag!"

Aqua's eyes practically glowed with thinly veiled fury, and Megumin rose from her seat to angrily rant at me. I tuned her out and turned my gaze to Darkness, who was still pacing over in the other hall. I swear she was starting to form a small trench into the stone floor.

"Dark, what is up with you? You've been like that ever since we landed," I called out stupidly. 

The moment the stressed Crusader stopped dead in her tracks was the moment I realized I may have dug my own grave. She slowly turned to look at me and by Jesus she could probably make Chase Young cower with that stare. That's when she started fucking stomping towards me like an angry elephant.

I instantly backed away with my arms raised to show I wasn't a threat to the bigger animal. Darkness may have been trash when it came to swinging a sword, but I didn't know how well that inaccuracy translated with her fists.

"W-Was it something I said…?" I meekly placated.

Without a word, Darkness reeled in for an incoming punch! I let out an embarrassingly high-pitched scream and covered my easy-to-bruise face.

...

After a moment of no fist colliding with my face, I slowly moved my hands away to see what the holdup was. Turns out, Darkness wasn't trying to knock my lights out. She was trying to show me an ornate gold pendant with a distinct crest in its center.

After studying it for a good bit, Darkness began to speak, her eyes sharpening at me and her voice steadily rising in volume.

"This is the crest of House Dustiness, one of the most important noble households in Belzerg. You may know me as Darkness, but my true name is Lalatina Ford Dustiness. Thanks to you, my family may be in serious jeopardy now! Sena is going to look into me as a co-conspirator against the kingdom; that means she'll be looking into my real identity! My father, my little cousin, everyone in my family will be disgraced because of your actions! This is not something we can fix with any of your machines, nor your absurd notion of 'ruling the world' – DO YOU HEAR ME!? You've made a horrible mistake and for once I WILL NOT CUT YOU ANY SLACK FOR IT!"

It admittedly took a while for me to stop shaking inside the collar of my trench coat like a scared turtle. What eventually made me stop was the second Darkness's words fully registered in my rapid-fire mind. And when it finally hit me? You better believe that cowardice melted away in favor of renewed anger.

"Hang on…hold the phone – hold the fuck!" I demanded accusingly as I popped my head out of my shell – err, collar. Darkness did not look impressed but I continued anyway. "Not only were you a rich kid like me this time whole, but it didn't occur to you to abuse your status when we could've used it the most!? What's wrong with you!?"

"What's wrong with ME!? What's wrong with YOU!? How dare you insinuate that I should abuse my authority like a corrupt noblewoman!" Darkness hotly refuted, shoving me backwards and nearly sending me flying across the room. "We had other options, dammit! We could've found a way to keep you from being arrested without having to expose my identity or put my family at risk! You're the one who ruined that plan, not us! This is all your fault, so why can't you just own up to it for once!?"

"No, no, do not pin the blame on me!" I cried angrily, emotions at an all-time high. "You girls had your chance to save your own skins, and you blew it! Instead of going with the crowd, you made the decision to stand by the guy who was being accused of terrorism! You thought to yourselves, 'Hmm, yes, this is the smart thing to do'! I'll admit, I've made some pretty dumb calls before, but what you did takes the cake!"

"You seriously just expected us to abandon you like that? After everything we've been through!?" Megumin interjected, frowning intensely at me as I turned to face her. "What the hell is it gonna take for you to trust us, man!? Hell, to trust anybody!? Why are you so afraid to get close to people!?"

Oh god, with this shit again! I had a feeling this would come up. But at this point I was too angry, scared, and hungry to think of a clever distraction. I was so high-strung, I did what I always do whenever I'm in a mood for the ages: vent/rant incoherently.

"Oh, you wanna know why? You wanna know why I can't bring myself to trust you, or Aqua, or Darkness, or anyone that isn't a robot I made? You wanna know my sob story that badly!? Alright, fine, sure. I'll cut open my fuckin' stomach and spill my guts out for ya, right here and now! Once I'm done, feel free to stomp on my still beating heart till your own heart's content!"

I proceeded to shoot up a finger for both emphasis and to begin the long list of things wrong with my life.

"Since First Grade, I was deemed subhuman simply by virtue of having a genetic disorder and being 'eccentric', which is a polite codeword that bitch Mrs. Cornhaven used in place of autistic. I did what I could to try and socialize, but no one wanted to be friends with a weird kid who looks like a zombie! Even letting slip that I was the son of the wealthiest people alive wasn't enough for those ingrates! Yes, you heard that right: not even money was enough to buy me friendship! Second Grade rolls around and I discover my life's passion for world domination. Everyone laughs at me for it, the teacher gives me detention, and I run into the bathroom stalls to cry, a habit I have yet to kick to this day. The only reason any of my classmates would hang out with me was so they could mooch off of my homework or have me carry a group project while they just goofed off! And they still got credit for it because my country's education system is a joke! You should've gotten an 'F' for 'FUCK YOU', Kyle!"

This felt dangerously similar to my last visit to Chase Young, where I called the lizard out on all his crap before he he had his jungle cats attack me. Part of me wanted to stop, but I've been holding in for so long, and I was so hangry that I just kept going, pacing around the rock table as I practically frothed at the mouth.

"Age fourteen, I meet Wuya, that naggy bitch of a ghost I told you about. She promises me co-ownership of Earth if I help her. I remember thinking, 'Oh my god, I actually made a like-minded friend, this is the best day ever'! A few months later and she tries to ditch me for someone she thought as more worthwhile! Should I have known double-crossing was something villains do with their allies? Yeah, maybe, but I was desperate for companionship, okay!? I love my robots, don't get it twisted, but sometimes I...I-I dunno, maybe it's because I'm a human and humans are inherently social creatures? Maybe a part of me kept crawling back because I kept holding out hope that our partnership could develop into a genuine friendship. Well, that dream died when Witch Bitch got her body and powers back, making me less than nothing in her eyes! Gah – I should've known better than try to befriend someone who calls my only friends 'mindless machines'! THEY HAVE EMOTION CHIPS FOR A REASON, YOU CUNT!"

I vaguely remembered knocking something over off the rock table as I worked myself up more and more, vision getting blurry with tears I was trying really hard to hold back. I couldn't stop myself now even if I wanted to.

"And of course, the one man I used to hold in the highest regards: my role model, my evil hero, the man who stole my heart, the man who inspired my whole damn career! What did he do when I tried to win his affections? He belittled me, called me a worm, hit me, tricked me, took me on as a pity apprentice, left me to almost get eaten by a dinosaur – DON'T ASK, it's a long story! Point is, he hated my very existence. And you wanna know what he said to me when I finally confessed my feelings to him? He said, and I quote, 'I know'. Then he followed it up by commanding his jungle cats to maul me half to death! Again, immortal bad guy, I'm aware, BUT STILL, OKAY!? I just wanted so badly to get close to another human being, even if they were cursed to live forever and lost sight of their humanity! I couldn't help it, I was young and in love and stupid! But I know better now. I know now to never trust humans or immortals because they're all ratfinks that'll stab you in the back when you no longer have a use to them. Or if they just need a good fucking laugh I guess!"

Eventually, I finally felt myself losing some steam as I collapsed atop the rock table I've been pacing around to catch my breath. When I lazily gazed up at the girls, they looked…floored, to say the least. Should've expected as much.

"Oh yeah, and in case you missed it, I'm also bisexual. There, I came out. Raise your torches and pitch forks at me for going against 'God's way' or whatever dumb, backwards, medieval bullshit you cavemen buy into. I don't care anymore…"

The silence that followed was crushing, heavy beyond belief. It was better than the anger, the yelling, all the chaos I'd instigated...but not by much. I dropped my gaze back to the floor once I finished speaking, so I hadn't the slightest idea what show of emotions played out on each of the girls' faces. Disgust? Irritation? There was always the possibility that they simply didn't care. Plenty of people don't.

"...wow," Aqua practically whispered, her tone completely unreadable. No anger or sarcasm from what I could pick up on, but that didn't mean those emotions probably weren't there. "I...don't even know what to say. To any of that, really. Jack...how long has it been since you've actually talked to someone about this stuff?"

I scoffed, but decided to humor the braindead goddess anyway because why not? "I've already confided in the JackBots a long time ago, they're more than well aware by now. They're practically my family, which is more than I can say for my actual family who thought it was okay to leave a toddler to survive on his own during business trips..."

Another beat of silence, one that was eventually broken by a long whistle from Megumin. She fell back down into a sitting position on the rock she'd been benched on with Aqua, a bewildered and sympathetic look on her face. Actually, scratch that, just bewildered. Ain't no way these clowns know sympathy.

"Holy shit...and I thought Yunyun had it bad," She muttered quietly, her fighting spirit seemingly having dissipated as she shook her head. "I'm still pissed at you, but I never could've imagined you went through...all that! You really couldn't trust anyone but your robots?"

"Oh for fuck's sake – yes! That's what these are for!" I groaned in exasperation as I pulled out one of the WingBots' emotion chips still stashed away in my pocket. "I figured if humans and everything else in between were colder than robots, I'd make my own robots more emotional and empathetic to compensate. Besides they're easier to understand than people; if there's something wrong with them, I can fix it. There's no fixing people..."

Darkness, Megumin, and Aqua all looked away from me at this point, glancing at each other as if they were having a silent conversation. Whatever they were doing, it didn't last long as Aqua split off from the group and approached me, keeping a respectful distance from the rock I was still sprawled out upon.

"Look, we're still gonna have a long talk about everything that's happened today, but...you need to understand something first," She started, her tone surprisingly even and fair considering everything we were going through. "Even if we're mad at you, we'll still trust you. But you need to show a little trust in return if you wanna make this whole party thing work out."

I remember staring long and hard at the goddess who said that in front of my face. I also faintly recall seeing her associates nodding solemnly(?) in agreement. For a while, I was at a loss for words…

Until I found them.

"Are you kidding me...?" I said faintly at first, which was apparently enough to make Aqua flinch slightly. "After all the shit I pulled, you not really believing I'm evil, me basically ruining your lives – all of that! And you're here preaching about how I should trust you while you trust me…? What is wrong with you people!? I literally insulted you not a moment ago by calling you all cavemen, I didn't think you'd actually prove me right on that!"

Megumin sprang up from her seat again, eyes glowing brightly to indicate her raw emotions were running rampant. She told me it was thing all Crimson Demons' eyes did whenever they get emotional in any way. Why couldn't everybody have that power? It'd make reading people so much easier. 

"We just want to help you, goddammit!" Megumin practically screamed. "We're your friends, that's what friends do! They're there for one another when things get tough! We may fight from time to time, sure, but that's part of the experience! You have to let us in, Jack! It's not healthy to keep us at arm's length all the time!"

"Back off, Patchworks! I don't need your pity!" I barked with newfound energy. "In fact, I don't need any of you! My robots are the only friends I'll ever need! In fact, I can just replace you all with robot copies of yourselves! I've made a RoboJack before, I can sure as hell make a RoboMegumin! Except this one will be more useful since it'll stuffed with missiles! Don't believe me? Just watch! Sandbox Mode!"

Calling upon my cheat skill, I quickly scanned the magical menu of materials projected in front of me to build some better friends. However, I only managed to spawn a soldering iron, blowtorch, and a few sheets of metal before the screen fizzled away. I had used up all of my mana once again...

With an agitated growl, I pulled down my goggles and tried my best to work with what I had. I barely got started on anything before accidentally burning my hand with the blowtorch in a rush. I scrambled down to my knees in a mad dash to pick up the tool, but was stopped when a hand held my wrist in place. The yellow-orange wrist guard on it gave me all the clues I needed to know who it belonged to. Of course it had to be her out of the three idiots I got stuck with!

"Jack, stop. Calm down and breathe. You're frazzled and not thinking straight," Darkness stated in a firm yet strangely calm tone. I tried in vain to escape her grip but she yanked my arm upward, my body following suit and coming face to face with her stoic expression. "If nothing else can get through to you, answer me this: if you really could have built these 'robo' versions of us...then why haven't you done so already?"

My mind went completely blank at that moment. I think I remember just staring at her dumbfounded for a few seconds before slowly pushing my googles back up with my free hand. 

"Huh…?"

Darkness elaborated, "You said you could've made replacements for us whenever you wanted, yet you're only now trying to do so. And the reason why you haven't done so earlier, I believe, is because you recognize us as your friends. Whether you're willing to admit it or not, on some level...you do trust us as we trust you."

As Darkness was talking, she passed my burned hand over to Aqua, who healed it in a jiffy while the Crusader carried on with her speech. "We stood up for you at the guild for a reason. You're a unique individual – and positively brilliant to boot! But you're also a person who operates with the best of intentions. You may not ever admit it to yourself, but your heart is bigger than you let on."

"N-No it's not! It's greedy and black like my soul, y-you dumb perv!" I spat hastily, feeling the inexplicable urge to cry again. "I'm not c-crying, YOU ARE! Guys aren't supposed to cry, let alone the bad ones!"

Suddenly, Megumin stepped in from nearby, the young mage offering me an expression that was far too kind for her. Before I could tell her to go away, she began tearing down the walls I worked so hard to put up since coming to this world.

"Jack...you're the only person I've ever met who's even bothered to entertain the notion of letting me stay in your party, even after I told you how I only use Explosion. It's only fair that I do everything in my power to help you when you need it, which you certainly did back at the guild. Like Darkness said, there's a reason we stood up for you when everyone else backed down."

"That…that didn't mean anything!" I insisted, though a small voice in the back of my head was telling me otherwise. "The only reason I bothered to let you in was because I needed more bodies at the time! I-It was all purely for my immediate gain, so shut up!"

"Truthfully, I didn't have much confidence that I'd ever be accepted into your party either, or any party for that matter," Darkness admitted, only the slightest tinge of red in her cheeks as she somehow managed to keep her composure better than me. "Given my, err...clumsiness, I fully expected to be shut out and turned down endlessly. Though reluctant at first, you accepted me nonetheless, and not once did you threaten to kick me out despite my obvious shortcomings. I am eternally thankful for that, you know."

"N-No…" I weakly challenged, the black rings surrounding my vision growing with each passing second. "I never threatened to kick you out because...because I knew you'd be into that! In fact, I think you once said you'd be fine with me abandoning you! Just let me get back to my tools so I can replace you and fulfill that stupid fantasy – NO, WAIT! I don't wanna give you the satisfaction! Fuck!"

Aqua stepped up, crossing her arms as she spoke but getting the words out all the same. "I know you and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but the truth is...the fact you've stayed by my side for so long is honesty really sweet of you. You've been fairly patient with me in the grand scheme of things, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't appreciate it. I'll admit, I may not be the brightest torch in the room, but I appreciate you willing to work with me anyway. So thank you, Spicer-sama..."

Now that made me freeze completely. Aqua said that…Aqua, the scatterbrained demigod who – in spite of her low IQ – should at least be smart enough to hate me forever…Aqua said that! 

It was at that moment that the girls did the last thing I could have possibly expected from them: the three of them huddled around me and offered me the first genuine embrace I'd felt in years. And all the while, they reassured with soft words that they would never abandon me like those who came before. That they'd stay by my side through hell or highwater...

And just like that, the floodgates came a-bursting.

I ugly-cried for what had to be like the second(?) time since coming to this world, not counting the several dozen minor episodes I've had over the course of my journey thus far. So much for that personal vow I made back on Earth; looks as though I'm destined to be a crybaby. But strangely enough, as disappointed as I was in myself at that realization…it actually felt kinda good in this one instance. I know, it's weird for me to say, but for some reason this cry in particular felt…cathartic, if that's the right word.

In fact, I think the only other time I had a cry this good was when the girls comforted me after the incident with the...Winter Shogun…

Oh shit, this was what it was like to have real friends who support you, wasn't it? What the girls were doing right now was almost beat-for-beat what the JackBots would do whenever they sensed I was upset. So that must mean these ladies truly do care about me as though they were my bots, right? Like, they're not just idiots who don't know any better, they honestly give a rat's ass about Jack Spicer, right?

…

I returned the hug tenfold. To hell with the 3-second rule, it was a stupid rule to begin with. I should be allowed to hug people I care about for as long as I want. Screw you if you think that's weird and creepy!

To my unending surprise, the girls didn't object to me hugging them back either. For that span of time, we really did just stand there, my teammates offering me more comfort than I probably deserved. At one point, Darkness handed me a handkerchief to blow my nose with, and once I finished, I kinda just...offered it back to her. She looked utterly confused, but Megumin and Aqua actually managed a few laughs over it, so it could've been worse.

After deciding that I'd just hold onto it for a bit, I ran a hand over my red-hot face and groaned. "Oogh…why am I such a train wreck? In fact, just why in general?"

"I don't think any one of us are properly equipped to answer either of those," Megumin chuckled lightly, bumping my shoulder and offering me an encouraging smile. "But if it's any consolation, you're really not that bad of a train wreck. More like a...semi-train wreck!"

"Really regret explaining locomotives to you," I actually managed to chuckle, slowly but surely regaining my cool. However, that faltered slightly when I went to dry my hands and got black smudges on my fingertips. "Does anyone have eyeliner? Girls carry makeup all the time, don't they?"

Darkness opened her mouth, potentially to refute the statement and its implications, before Aqua did just as I requested. She handed me the eyeliner with little pause while offering the bewildered Crusader a casual shrug.

"What? It pays to be prepared! Sometimes you need a little bit of a touch up, y'know?"

I quietly snorted at the girl's viewpoint as I carefully redid the evil "scars" under my eyes with the HeliBot's extended mirror arm. Once I was satisfied with my handiwork, I retracted the mirror and handed the eyeliner back to Aqua, who nodded in thanks. I then took a breath and said what had to be on everyone's mind at the moment (or at least my mind).

"So…even though I'm a bisexual, evil teen genius who wants to rule the world with an army emotional robots with saw blades for fingers…you guys still wanna be my friends? Like, you're seriously willing to overlook all of that just for me?"

"Of course we are, Jack! It doesn't matter who or what you are, we're in this together! All the way to the max!" Aqua assured me happily, before leaning in to not-so-quietly whisper. "By the way, I wouldn't worry about the whole 'being bi' thing if I were you. People in this world are actually fairly open about their sexualities. Sure, there are still assholes here and there, but it's not so bad! I'm pretty sure even Eris herself is bi. So you don't have to worry about being lynched any time soon."

"Wow, really?" I asked, truly stunned by the reveal that a medieval world like this one didn't frown upon LGBTQ. "That's…surprisingly progressive. I'd thought for sure this place wouldn't tolerate my tastes given my own world's history. Well, uh…yes, I like both guys and girls. Have a slight preference for guys, especially if they're toned, but either is fair game. Now you know."

"Now we know!" Aqua repeated happily, coaxing a short burst of laughter from me. "By the way, I have a thing for toned guys too! Especially if they like to party hard and drink lots o' bubbly!"

"I'm not really interested in romantic pursuits, but if I had to describe my ideal guy? He'd be dashing and peerless," Megumin added with closed eyes and a cupped chin, nodding to herself as she did. "Unlike the dull Yunyun who would rather settle for an unremarkable significant other, mine would completely upstage hers!"

"Leave to you to make finding a soulmate a competition," I snorted. Without even thinking, my eyes wandered expectantly to Darkness, as did Aqua's and Megumin's. Being put on the spot, our resident degenerate began fidgeting while discovering a newfound fascination with her boots.

"I...uh...w-would rather not say..."

"Aww c'mon, Dark!" Aqua playfully whined. "We're all sharing our preferences and types! Don't leave us hanging!"

Megumin was quick to intervene. "Actually, please do leave us hanging. Given your various kinks and fetishes, it's best if the world never knows what your 'dream partner' really is..."

I nodded along in agreement as Aqua seemingly sobered up and realized her mistake. "Oh yeah. Never mind, keep your secrets."

"I-I don't think I like this type of embarrassment...!" Darkness said mostly to herself as she buried her now burning face into her hands. It felt so mean to laugh at her expense alongside the others but...I think we all knew it was just in good fun. Besides, she was a big girl, she could handle it.

"Alright, well, this has been something," I finally said after we finally composed ourselves again. "But as much as I hate to be a party pooper, we still kinda need to figure out what the hell it is we're supposed to do now. I'm still all for making a new lair in this abandoned dungeon. That should at least give us a place to hide until we can come up with a plan to get out out of this mess I made."

"Actually, sir, I believe there's something we need to discuss before we can continue the excavation efforts."

Bob the BuilderBot told me this as he hovered back into the main floor of the dungeon. But before I could ask him to elaborate, there was something noticeably different about him compared to the last time I spoke with him.

"Bob, why are you wearing Megumin's eyepatch? Where'd you even find that thing? I haven't seen her wear it in a while."

"I retrieved it from the guild some days ago. I thought it'd make for an interesting way to visually differentiate myself amongst my brothers," Bob answered, before providing an addendum after an awkward pause. "And because one of my photoreceptors was damaged during the digging process..."

I stared down at the bot skeptically, like the doting father that I was to my boys. I had to admit, Bob made it work, even if it did make him look like a pirate construction worker when paired with his yellow hardhat.

I glanced back over at the original owner of the eyepatch. "You cool with Bob burrowing it? At least until I get his eye repaired?"

"Honestly? He kinda rocks it! Besides, it's not like I was really using it that much anyway," Megumin replied with a thumbs-up and a small smile. "Lookin' good, Bob! If you ever want more Crimson Demon garb, let me know! I may not be my village's foremost tailor like Chekera, but I know how to stitch some things together!"

"Thank you, ma'am! I think some of my brothers would take you up on that!" Bob replied with a tip of his hardhat before going back to address me. "Anyway, as I was saying, we had to halt the excavation efforts for two reasons. The first being that the mural we were tearing down actually leads to a hidden stairwell. The second being...well, we found something down there after sending a scout to investigate."

"You're being awfully mysterious about this, and you know I don't like mysteries. What did the scout report?"

"An ornate, unopened treasure chest sitting in an empty room all by itself..." The BuilderBot reported diligently, though with slight hesitation in his vocal patterns. "It seemed off to me and the others, so we chose not to mess with it until we notified you first. What are your orders, sir?"

I frowned at the thought of an ancient mystery box, a subject I subject I was all too familiar with. But as I glanced around and noticed the spark of curiosity on each of the girl's faces, I knew better than to try and argue. With a sigh, I nodded at Bob.

"Take us there, I guess."

Saluting, the automaton motioned for us to follow as he led the charge. As the girls and I kept up with Bob, we saw all the other BuilderBots hovering idly around the construction sites, just as confused as we were. Sure enough, the mural wall I ordered to be knocked down did reveal a previously hidden stairwell (so I guess that'll make building a second lair a lot easier on my end).

We descended the stairs, the only sound being Bob's propulsion jet gliding him down the steps. After making it to the bottom without any complications, we found ourselves in a suspiciously wide open room with an even more suspicious fancy black/gold treasure chest sitting atop an altar at the far end.

I had a bad feeling about this…and not the good kind.

Chapter Text

As my team, BuilderBot, and I stared at the seemingly innocent treasure chest sitting all by itself in a big empty room that was previously hidden from everyone…I put on my skeptic hat.

This was not my first time dealing with deceptively harmless boxes. If this container in front of us was anything like the puzzle box Dad sent me three years ago, I wanted nothing to do with it. I don't think I could handle any more mystical treasure hunts that end in broken ribs and humiliation.

"Bob, take that chest and get rid of it," I commanded without pause. "Don't care how you do it, don't wanna know how. Just. Get. Rid of it. That's a direct order."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a sec, Jack!" Megumin interjected while sticking her arm out in front of Bob. Apparently she was surprised by my swift assessment that the mystery chest in a murder dungeon wasn't worth keeping around. "Shouldn't we at least check it first? What if it's full of gold or jewels or other valuable loot?"

"Not happening," I quickly retorted, crossing my arms to show that I wasn't kidding around. "Last time I opened a mystery box, Wuya popped out of it. And the less said about that smelly old ghost hag, the better."

"Jack, I understand you've had a bad experience with a similar scenario. But you can't assume every box will have some ancient entity locked within!" Darkness tried to counter, clearly missing just how resolute I was. "Is it really that big of a risk to open a single chest?"

"Yes! Very much so!" I argued while gesturing wildly around the room. "Doesn't this whole setup seem a little fishy to you guys? A hidden passageway in a dungeon that looks to have been picked clean leading to an empty room with nothing but a tacky treasure chest? If this were a video game, we'd have no problems. But this isn't a video game, it's real life! With video game-like mechanics!"

After pausing to process my own words for a bit, I realized that last part probably didn't help my case. Spoke before thinking yet again. Gotta learn to quit doing that already...

Before I could think way to avoid dwelling on the subject of video games (considering how long of a chat that would be compared to trains), I noticed a certain water goddess had been suspiciously silent up until now.

Glancing past Darkness and Megumin, I realized that she wasn't standing behind them. As such, I swiftly turned around to check my six, and caught her inching towards the chest with greedy intentions.

"NO!"

Like a leopard, I pounced on the idiot who was potentially close to dooming us all to another three years of constant nagging and ghostly body odor. Seeing as how Aqua was to my knowledge a girl, restraining her was something that didn't come naturally to me. If I grabbed her by the legs, I'd be subject to her bare goddess ass directly above me. If I wrapped my arms around her waist, well...that'd be kinda awkward too. With my options limited, I simply went with trying to hold her back by her underarms. That seemed the safest bet, right?

"Jack…before we address how utterly stupid this looks, I want to ask you something real quick," Aqua stated calmly, turning her head back to fix me an unamused stare. "I'm a goddess and you're a mortal human. Do you really think you're strong enough to restrain me?"

"Oh, just emasculate me further, why don't ya?" I replied sarcastically, fixing the pompous sorta-immortal my own unamused glare. "Look, even if I have no chance of success, I'm still gonna do everything in my power to stop you. Never underestimate a villain's dogmatic persistence, Aqua."

"Alright, if that's the card you wanna play, fine by me," Aqua replied with a simple shrug, one that was somehow strong enough to shake me off of her and make me land flat on my back. The Archpriest proceeded to saunter over to the chest while I was busy coming to terms with my battered masculinity. "Nothing personal, just curious to see what riches we've stumbled upon. And now that we've got that sorted out…!"

I pulled myself out of my funk just in time to see Aqua flip open the treasure chest with an overly dramatic, "Woosh!". In a futile scramble, I clambered up to the demigod and tried to close the chest again only to peer inside and realize something.

It was completely empty.

"Wait, seriously?" I couldn't help but ask my dumbfounded self. "I mean, actual nothing is better than a fifteen-hundred-year-old evil spirit, but seriously? All that build-up for an empty chest?"

"Wow. That's…disappointing," Megumin grumbled, though a small smile did linger on her face as she glanced around us and held up her hands in a devil-may-care kind of shrug. "Maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way, eh?"

I groaned as loudly as obnoxiously as I could. "I hate how accurate that is. You really are my evil apprentice, M-bomb, and I love/hate you for it."

"Hmm. Personally, I feel that the hate could be a little more zesty. But I suppose that's just a matter of taste, now isn't it~?"

An unfamiliar voice chimed it, resulting in all four of us jumping violently. We drew whatever we had for protection and spun around to face the direction the voice came from. I don't know what I was expecting...but I still didn't expect it.

"My god...it's the Phantom of the Opera!" I exclaimed fearfully before plugging up my ears. "Quick, cover your ears before he sings our brains out! I don't do musicals!"

"Ohohoho! Aren't you a wealth of negativity, my young pale friend!" The masked man chortled, a wide grin adorning the exposed section of his face as he assumed a dramatic pose. "But moi is no mere phantom, dear boy! I am the All-Seeing Vanir, yet you've managed to catch me by surprise! No small feat given my powers of divination. I genuinely wasn't expecting to have guests so soon."

Upon closer examination, I realized my accusation was slightly misplaced. While the man in front of us did wear a vaguely similar mask, it was fully intact and covered most of his face save for his mouth and chin. It was vertically divided down the middle between white on his right side and black on his left, almost like a jester mask. And while he had two small, crescent-shaped eye holes above two little star marks…I had a sneaking feeling those "holes" were his actual eyes. Sounds crazy, I know, but the dude did appear behind us out of thin air after we opened an empty treasure chest. He kinda already had voodoo written all over him.

But other than all that, he just looked like a regular human with slicked black hair and a clean butler suit.

"Oh, sorry," I apologized once I deduced this Vanir guy wasn't one of my least favorite fictional villains. "I thought you were something else. Something long-winded and boring in my opinion."

Before the well-dressed man had a chance to reply, Aqua suddenly lunged forward with a shout, her hand radiating holy energy as she attempted to strike him down. Without pause, Vanir sidestepped the punch. And the next. And the next. For about the next minute and a half (give or take), the rest of my party and I watched the two dance around each other in a one-sided battle as Aqua missed every single punch. Was Darkness's Stormtrooper aim starting to rub off on her? Shit, I hope I'm not next!

"Uh…that's a real good impersonation of Darkness, Aqua," I said, feeling my cheeks heat up slightly when said Crusader let slip an erotic gasp right beside me. "But care to explain why you're playing charades with the weird, creepy, mask man?"

"I'm not...playing a game...Spicer!" Aqua spat between ragged breaths, looking genuinely winded as she took a step back, glaring viciously at the still smirking Vanir. "This thing is no man. He reeks of unholy magic. He's a demon."

"Well I kinda already figured he wasn't human," I stated casually as I watched Vanir pretend to brush dirt off his clothes. "I guess demon makes sense, I hear they come in many forms. Or is that with the devil...? Actually, is there even a difference between a devil and a demon?”

“Yes and no,” Vanir replied comfortably, not at all bothered by Aqua’s attempted smiting. “My kind has a hierarchy based on one's power level. Archdemons like moi are the ruling class in Hell, while everyone else is either high, mid, or low-ranked. 'Devil' is just a fancier title reserved for us high-ranked demons, although you're free to take it or leave it."

“Oh, okay. Thanks for the clarification!”

“JACK! DON’T THANK HIM!” Aqua nagged.

“Indeed, no thanks are necessary. I grow bored of discussing semantics anyway," Vanir fake-yawned before snapping his fingers. "A far more interesting topic would be my explanation as to why I am even here! Now that’s something everyone can benefit from, yes? A little entertainment for us all!”

"Eh, sure, why not? I could go for Storytime," I said as I attempted to make myself comfortable on the stone floor. "Anything to distract me from the fact that I'm on the run and have very little idea of what I'm doing."

"Seriously?" Megumin asked me with an incredulous look.

"Aren't you a little curious about what this guy's deal is?" I rebutted while gesturing to Vanir, who simply waved back innocently. "He's offering us free info, and knowledge is power as they say. Let's just hear him out first and decide what to after."

While the girls obviously shared their hesitation with each other, they eventually relented and sat down on the floor next to me. We now gave the masked devil our full, undivided attention, and his grin never faltered. In fact, it only seemed to get brighter. Seems even he was excited about this.

"Splendid! It has been far too long since I last had a proper audience!" He chuckled, before straightening out his posture and clearing his throat before entering a more theatrical tone. "Allow moi to set the stage: it was a long time ago, so long in fact that complex life had yet to form. A primordial era where gods and devils warred against each other in a battle so dragged out, we forgot the winner! Although I'm pretty sure it was my side that won since I was one of Hell's heavy hitters back then. Still am too~"

"I already hate this story...!" Aqua growled to herself, her hands clawing at her legs and an anger vein threatening to burst on her forehead.

"Just you wait, it only gets better!" Vanir promised, clearly enjoying himself over Aqua's stewing. "Fast forward a few eons. Moi is now a respected Duke of Hell and just signed up for the Devil King's Army! I was dispatched to Axel to find out what became of my fellow general, Beldia, the poor scamp. However, moi considers himself more of a free agent that merely takes the king's orders as suggestions. So when I stumbled upon this lovely little dungeon here, well...you know what they say about opportunity!"

Woah. That was a lot to unpack in a short span of time. Though one part in particular did stick out in all of that.

"OH…s-so you're one of the Devil King's generals, huh? That's…cool," I stated in the most natural tone I could muster without shitting my pants. "Say, uh, what was that part about not caring about the mission you were assigned to? Isn't the Devil King, like, your boss or something? Don't you get court-martialed for that?"

"HAH! Moi would like to see him try! Aside from the objective fact I'm more powerful than him, the old coot couldn't care less about what I do anyway. Like a certain ditzy Lich, moi is mostly a general in name only; simply maintaining the barrier to the Devil King's castle. I really took this mission out of boredom when I stumbled upon this lovely little dungeon on the way to Axel. It seemed like the perfect place to fulfill my avatar's lifelong dream!"

Still processing all this surprising information, Vanir did a dramatic twirl followed by a pose that wouldn't look out of place if Megumin did it. "Picture this: an elaborate, sprawling dungeon filled with the toughest monsters you can find, with moi as the final boss! A team of noble and strong adventurers strike me down, only to be rewarded with an empty treasure chest, much like the one you four stumbled into! They're distraught, full of disappointment of the highest caliber! Oh, 'twould be a banquet of epic proportions! Hahahahah~!"

…

I made a mental note to look beside me for the girls' reactions. Yup, they were just as flabbergasted as I was.

"...that's it?" I finally asked after what felt like an eternity of not finding my voice. "Your lifelong dream is to troll some randos before you let them kill you? That...has got to be the WEAKEST villain motivation I've ever heard! You say you stronger than your boss, yet you don't even wanna overthrow him and seize power for yourself!?"

"Hmm? But isn't that so... cliché?" Vanir retorted with a tilt of his head, throwing his arms up dramatically. "Why would moi want to kill the Devil King? I have no interest in his army - unless it's harvesting the succulent negative emotions out of them~ Moi can never truly 'die' in the conventional sense, so why not have a little fun by toying with some delightful humans on the way out? That sounds much more entertaining compared to a simple coup d'état!"

"Wait, so you're immortal!?" I squawked in shock, finding myself standing up from the sheer absurdity coming out of this loser's mouth. "That gives you even less of an excuse! You can't die, you claim to be more powerful than the Devil King, world domination is practically gift wrapped for you! And you wanna throw it all away in favor of a cheap gag? I'm sorry, you may have crazy demon powers, but I gotta call it like I see it: you're lame!"

To my surprise, Vanir simply bellowed in laughter like I had just told him the funniest joke (ironic given that he was proving himself to be that). After wiping an imaginary tear from his mask's eye, he responded properly, tone nonetheless amused.

"Oh, how you wound my pride! Moi may never heal from such a grievous blow to his self-esteem! HAH! You may not understand my motivations, young man, but I can assure you that 'evil' is not the be-all and end-all of life. This is coming from an Archdemon, so you know that must say something."

I've already met evil demons and the like. His words held about as much weight as a feather in outer space.

"Pffft! Get a load of this loser," I scoffed, turning back to my official new friends. "Doesn't even grasp the fine art of evil. He's even more pathetic than me! Wait, no, that came out wrong..."

"My, you are a particularly curious specimen, aren't you?" Vanir replied, his grin widening as he titled his head again in examination. "Such a wonderful mind you have. So full of self-loathing, anger, doubt, fear...you have quite the baggage upstairs, don't you~?"

"Hey! There's more going on upstairs than just mommy issues, Circus Face!" I quickly retorted, stepping up to the masked "superloser" and jabbing a finger in his…oddly earthy chest. "I'll have you know that I am also a certified evil teen genius! I have the IQ tests I cheated on to prove it!"

Vanir just continued to laugh while the girls gave me respective looks that seemed a little too close to pity. I quickly realized how embarrassing this actually was for me and folded in on myself, causing the devil prick to laugh even harder. But thankfully, just as it got more obnoxious, he abruptly stopped. Now Vanir was looking at me with an inquisitive glare befitting a scientist studying something under a microscope.

"Uh…hey, bud? Eyes up here," I said with a quick snap of the fingers.

"...how curious indeed," Vanir muttered, his tone drastically more guarded as he held his gaze and folded his hands behind his back. "Moi can brush aside the minor discrepancies. The feeling there should be someone else leading this party of yours. The sense you truly have arrived to this dungeon too early. All of that is easy enough to dismiss. But your golems - no! Your 'robots'..."

My robots? Oh yeah, the homeboys! How could I possibly forget?

"Well finally, someone who can use proper nomenclature!" I practically cheered, striding over to BuilderBot Bob and snaking an arm over his metallic shoulders. "Yeah, these bad boys are way cooler than any dumb old golem, and smarter too! This one right here even has a great sense of evil fashion."

I turned my attention over to the previous owner of Bob's new eyepatch. "You were right, Megumin. Bob really does rock your style! I may have to hire you on as a creative consultant for future JackBot designs."

When I looked to Megumin, I noticed that she and the others seemed a little tense, all of them looking past me and at Vanir. Turning back to the demon in confusion, I noticed his smile still hadn't returned. The lackadaisical vibe he seemed to radiate early on was gone. Something was wrong, bad-wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"You know...I have an unspoken rule I like to abide by. I try to avoid killing humans whenever possible. Aside from the fact their negative emotions are a devil's food source, I've always had a soft spot for the fleshy mortal things," Vanir stated calmly, before a sharp red gleam peaked out from the left side of his mask as he unfolded his hands. "But if you are who I think you are...then I sadly will have to make an exception to that rule."

My blood ran cold when I heard the sheer sincerity in his tone. I discreetly tapped my wrist communicator, sending a message to all available bots to be ready to come downstairs and protect me, noncombative units included.

"Now wait just a moment, Vanir!" Darkness interjected, stepping in front of me and raising her hands in a complacent manner. "I haven't the slightest idea who you suspect Jack might be, but I can assure you that he is no threat to you!"

"Yeah! Jack can be a pain in the ass, sure, but he's a decent guy!" Megumin added while clutching her staff tightly. "If you so much as touch a single hair on his head, we'll beat you to a bloody pulp, got it!?"

"Your loyalty is truly touching, but ultimately pointless I'm afraid," Vanir refuted, dark magic gathering around his hands as he took a step forward, cold gaze locked on me. "As I said prior, if this 'Jack' is who I believe him to be, then his life will be a worthwhile sacrifice in the face of total annihilation. Such a shame too, his negative emotions were simply delectable."

I really didn't know what Vanir was talking about anymore. But that didn't matter as I saw Bob's BuilderBot crew fly downstairs just in time to see me up shit's creek without a paddle. I pointed squarely at the approaching masked murderer.

"BuilderBots: ATTACK!"

While BuilderBots were mostly standard JackBots with construction helmets in lieu of saucer lids, they weren't equipped with the usual weapons. Despite that, however, the tools they were equipped with would suffice. They drew their nail guns, drill arms, jackhammer torsos, and wrecking ball nunchucks as they all charged at the enemy!

Vanir didn't hesitate, he flipped out of the way of the nails being shot at him, almost hitting Darkness instead (much to her disappointment). The Archdemon slipped past the bots with the grace of a theater performer, and pummeled any that got too close with the strength of a Xiaolin Monk. Some tried to hit him with their wrecking balls, but he'd grab them by the chain and swing 'em into other BuilderBots. A few attempted to pierce him with drills and jackhammers, but he pirouetted away before flinging little dolls that looked like himself at them. Said dolls exploded upon impact.

As for the rest, he'd simply shoot them down with goddamn laser beams from his eyes! Were devils in this world part robot themselves!?

Only three BuilderBots were left in the fight: BB-B0B (Bob), BB-630FFR3Y (Geoffrey), and BB-FR3D (Fred). The three machines looked at one another before very carefully circling Vanir, going on the defensive. As with most supernatural beings way out of our league, the Demon General didn't even break a sweat. In fact, though he still radiated a deadly aura, he allowed himself to smirk ever so slightly. As I unfortunately suspected, he'd been merely playing with my minions throughout the entire battle.

Suddenly, Vanir flipped over the trio just as they moved to strike. As soon as he hit the ground, he dashed around all three bots, flipping the off switches on the back of their heads before they had a chance to turn around. As Bob and his men fell to the ground, I spared the demon before me a mortified expression.

"H-Hey! You're not allowed to just switch them off like that!" I exclaimed in horror. "I can't even switch them off without their consent! You're just as bad as Omi, you sicko!"

"I'm afraid your glorified toys mean little to me. Now hold still please," Vanir requested in a twistedly polite tone. "Moi is no longer interested in dragging this game out any further..."

Darkness drew her blade, Aqua's flower bud staff blossomed, Megumin was willing to cast Explosion (even if that meant taking us all down with Vanir) and I…left my high-tech crossbow back upstairs. I mean, I still had my short sword I guess, but I'd feel safer using a ranged weapon. Up close and personal was never really my style.

Anyway, we were probably going to die down here.

"Hey Vanir, that you? Did you finally come back with the milk? You know how important it is to keep these bones strong and healthy, nyhehehe!"

A new voice came from right behind us, prompting us all to turn around. A doorway in the wall behind the chest had appeared, revealing a hidden room inside of a hidden room. Standing at the threshold was a robbed, skeleton-like creature with a friendly smile on its weirdly cartoony face. Was...this thing a Lich like Wiz? If so, he must've been lax on feeding and bathing himself as that apparently prevents decomposition in Liches. Magic biology was so complicated. 

"Say, who are your new friends? I thought you said we weren't going to have company for another few weeks? This place is still filthy! What will our guests think of us?"

Of course the one place I chose to set up my new home already had undead tenants un-living in it. That's my god awful Luck stat for ya. Thanks, Eris...

"Keele, now really isn't the time. Moi is bit preoccupied at the moment," Vanir replied shortly, before pausing as the goofy Lich sent him a particularly stern look, forcing a sigh out of him. "Oh, very well. Keele, this is Jack Spicer and his friends Megumin No-Last-Name, Lalatina Ford Dustiness, and Blue Thing. There, happy?"

Dark (or "Lala" I suppose) and Aqua both cursed at the sardonic demon. Funnily enough, it sounded like the former was genuinely embarrassed Vanir called her by her real name. Weird…but I also kind of understand. I don't like being called Jackson Edward Spicer by anybody, really.

"Oh, pardon me, the first one's full real name is Jackson Edward Spicer," Vanir suddenly corrected. "Much like Lalatina, AKA 'Darkness', 'Jack' prefers to go by a nickname he created for himself because he hates the sound of his real name."

"What are you, a mind-reader!?"

"...yes. And you seriously tout yourself a genius?" Vanir said with his mask contorting in confusion. He quickly shook his head, "Never mind. Look, Keele, this isn't exactly a great time for a meet and greet. So if you could kindly leave moi for about a minute, he will take care of our guests."

Keele glanced between Vanir and my very scared group of new friends. "Vanir…if I didn't know any better, I'd say you weren't simply about to prank these adventurers, now were you? You told me you were above killing humans; the things that provide you your form of food. I thought we saw eye to eye on that..."

"That we did, my friend. But I'm afraid this human in particular is a special case," Vanir replied sagely, fixing me with another harsh look. "He stands at the center of an ancient prophecy. A young man with the potential to plunge the world into darkness with armies of metal men."

"All I wanna do is conquer the world!" I cried in confused frustration. "Is that such a crime!?"

"Yes!" All three girls said to me at once. I just crossed my arms and looked to the ground. 

"What the hell are you talking about anyway" Aqua suddenly asked Vanir with suspicion. "Jack's a little weird, sure, but he's not the mass destruction type. Methinks the mask is cutting off the blood flow to your brain~"

Oh yeah, nearly forgot: just because we're friends now doesn't mean the girls still see things my way. Well, assuming we get out of this alive, I'll do my best to show them the light of the dark side and how fun evil can be! It's the least I could do as thanks for sticking up for me.

"It doesn't matter if he seems the type or not, foolish Archpriest!" Vanir replied in irritation, shaking his head in visible disdain. "If there is even a chance this young man is related to the prophecy, I will do what I must for the greater good. After all, how can moi host a dungeon for adventurers if they're all dead?"

"Y-Yeah, uh, actually? I'm not that big on the whole 'dead adventurer' thing…" I mildly defended, somewhat queasy at the thought. "I mean, what's the point in taking over the world if nobody's around to see it, right? Killing's never really been much of my style unless it's monsters…"

"Oh, some light in you yet? At least you'll face your end with a modicum of decency, then," Vanir snarked, before throwing his hands outward as dark, churning red energy formed around them. "Farewell, Jack Spicer. Give that two-bit luck goddess my regards when you reach her."

Just when it seemed as though Darkness was rearing up to take yet another magic bullet for the team, a purple magic attack of some kind collided with Vanir's red magic from behind us, making the masked demon slide back across the room. When we all turned around to look, we saw Keele standing atop the open treasure chest with his hand outstretched and a snarl marking what remained of his face.

"Sorry Vanir, but I cannot allow you to do that," Keele stated sternly, staring down his demonic friend with remarkable intensity. "You have no proof that this young man is anything more than a curious inventor. I will not allow you to harm him or his party over misplaced paranoia. Don't make me hurt you, my friend."

Vanir brushed off his pants and huffed, "This is precisely why moi didn't want you to get roped into this. I'd call upon my full divination powers to show you what I mean, but something's been muddying my eye into the future. I suspect it has something to do with that Blue Thing's noxious aura!"

The Blue Thing in question flailed in rage. "I have a name y'know! It's AQUA! And you've got some nerve calling my wonderful aura noxious when YOU'RE the stanky one!"

"Ahh, to be so lowly as to be called a 'thing'..." Darkness dreamily sighed to herself.

"Their inane banter doesn't help either," Vanir added with his mask somehow managing to portray a deadpan stare. He shook his head before continuing, "At any rate, even if moi explained it to you, you'd no doubt ignore it in favor of 'defending innocents'. Your heart was always too big for your own good like that. But moi cannot afford to take the risk with this boy. Because I like you, I'm only going to say this once: stay out of this."

"I'm afraid you're wasting your breath, but all the same...thank you for the opportunity," Keele replied, turning once more to me and nodding. "Mr. Spicer, if you and your friends would kindly move to the chamber behind me? It appears our mutual friend needs to be reminded of his manners."

"Don't need to tell us twice!" I murmured before shuffling into the hidden chamber, the girls not far behind. Once inside, the entrance was soon sealed back up by the stone bricks magically reappearing back into place. The room itself was unfortunately a dead end, and apparently what Keele's been using a bedroom. The only furniture was a single chair, a small pedestal with valuable loot resting on it, and a bed occupied by a human skeleton in an old dress.

"Oh, how lovely..."  I said to myself in disgust upon seeing the non-reanimated corpse.

Almost immediately after, the muffled sounds of fighting came from the wall behind us, with a few distinct blasts shuddering the room. The girls and I all looked at each other, silently weighing the pros and cons of peeking outside to see what the two spell-casters were up to. In the end, we all seemed to come to the same resolution of: "fuck it, badass magic fight is badass".

The hidden doorway somehow knew we wanted to peek, for only a few bricks around the middle of the wall vanished when we crept back to it. Huddling close together to observe the action, we confirmed that the fight was indeed as badass as it sounded. The whole thing was practically a colorful lightshow of spells firing off in all directions as the opponents leapt and flipped to-and-fro. Keele was surprisingly limber for a undead fossil, and fairly strong too if he was able to keep up with Vanir and his exploding dolls. 

For a brief moment, it made me consider how Wuya and Chase's power levels would stack up in this world. Ms. "I've wreaked havoc and destruction when the earth was still young and mankind was just crawling out of the mud" might have a fighting chance here. But Lizard Breath? I'm honestly not sure. That's a thought experiment I'd have to sit on later, preferably when my life wasn't at stake.

As we watched the battle rage on, my eyes kept glancing back to the staircase on the other side of the hall. I spoke quietly to my team. "Guys, hear me out: on my signal, we make a break for it back upstairs."

"What?! Jack, that's a terrible idea!" Megumin sputtered, vehemently shaking her head as she clutched her staff. "No way, not until Vanir is taken care of! I don't wanna end up as an ash pile so young! There's still so many more Explosions I have yet to cast!"

"And there's still so many more robots I have yet to make! Which is why we need to get to higher ground and open areas as soon as possible," I argued as calmly as I could, the panic threatening to jump out of my throat in the form of a whimper. "Besides, you heard Masky, he's stronger than the Devil King. I'd rather not be stuck between a rock and a hard place when that Keele guy falls!"

"I hate to say it, but Jack has a point. We're not gonna be much use to anyone if we die down here thanks to that smelly demon jerk!" Aqua chimed in while also eyeing the exit. "I'm in on making a break for it. Dark, what's your vote?"

The blonde Crusader looked at her friends for a moment before her eyes made contact with mine. Before the intense stare could make me blush, she raised her fist and confidently gave her answer.

"You're our leader and our friend, and I trust your judgement. I shall take up the rear so that any and all attacks will be directed towards me while the rest of you take the front!"

"Never change, Dark," I commented lightly with a small chuckle before turning over to the only objector of the group. "Three to one, Megumin. Sorry, but them's the breaks."

"Ugh, fine, I get it. I can do basic math," The Crimson Demon huffed in defeat before moving into position. "Alright, rushing the stairs it is. Ready when you are, I guess."

Nodding, I moved myself in front of the line we were all forming. I kneeled down in preparation for a sprint and paid close attention to the movements of the two magic-casters. Once I saw our opening, I gave the signal:

"RUN AWAY LIKE SISSIES!"

The bricks in the wall immediately vanished the second I screamed that. I booked it down the hall and ran right up those stairs as though I had on the Fancy Feet Shen Gong Wu. Fear of death must have been one helluva drug because I ended up being the first to reach the first floor of the dungeon. Of course, I instantly did faceplant after passing the last stair, but hey, progress is progress! It wasn't long before the girls caught up with me.

"Jack, that was the dumbest signal ever!" Aqua cried in between gasps for air.

"Yeah, you totally gave away our retreat back there! Now Vanir will be coming up for us!" Megumin added angrily, strangely not as tired as Aqua.

"Not to mention how it was enough to stun both him and Keele from their battle! I wasn't able to get hit by a stray Fireball or exploding doll!" Darkness whined in frustration. "What were you thinking!?" 

"I panicked, okay!? I don't do well under pressure, go easy on me..." I miserably defended after pulling myself up off the ground. It was then that I took note of Sigma Squad hovering nearby looking lost. I gave my children a very cross look.

"And just where were you guys!? There's a masked maniac trying to kill us! Didn't you get the message?"

"Sorry sir, but we got ambushed by another pocket of monsters on the way," The frontmost JackBot, Bruiser, answered dutifully. "With the BuilderBots already dispatched, we thought it best to clear the path for a swift retreat."

My robot veterans getting held up by Gremlins and shit right as I needed their help? Must be "Eris-fucking-me-over-with-piss-poor-Luck" o'clock again!

"Never mind, change of plans: go downstairs and help the nice skeleton take out the guy with the mask! Pull out if it's too much for you to handle. GO!"

The squad beeped and saluted before flying downstairs to provide Keele with backup. While they were busy with that, the girls and I ran back to the main hall of the first floor to grab all our stuff. Once we got everything, we made off to the limo parked within the spacious mouth of the dungeon. The biting cold from the snow storm right outside the entrance nipped my skin, but I had to suck it up if it meant saving it.

Tossing my shit into the passenger seat, I checked the digital dashboard to make sure everything was still in working order. Having to take off in the middle of a blizzard was risky, but anything was better than staying here with a psychotic Duke of Hell. Hopefully the next dungeon we find to make an evil lair out of won't have a fucking Demon General hiding in it. 

The girls and I were just about to get in the car when we saw the blurring figure of JB-C2U5H32 crash into the front bumper. His photoreceptors flickered as he tried desperately to get a final warning out of his damaged vocabulator.

"He'zzzt! Too-zzzt! Stroooooong..."

Looking up while aiming my crossbow with shaky hands, I watched in abject horror as Vanir calmly walked down the main hall. Keele was nowhere in sight.

"Shit, shit, shit!" I sputtered, trying to think of something - anything to stop the raging demon from getting closer. I still hadn't worked out all the bugs in my sci-fi crossbow. And even if I did, I doubt heat-seeking ArrowBots would do much to him. I was gonna need something with a more OMPH!

That's when my gaze went to the limo beside me. The gears started to turn as I glanced back at the encroaching Vanir walking through a hallway big enough for a car to drive down in.

Without explaining myself to the confused girls, I slid into the driver's seat and slammed the door shut, starting the ignition and revving up the engine. When the headlights came on, Vanir actually stopped walking towards me, standing perfectly still with his hands in his pockets as he observed. While admittedly scary, I decided to chalk it up as him having no clue what a car could do and floored it. But not before buckling up though. I wasn't that crazy.

As the limo lurched forward towards the waiting demon, I allowed my fear of him to turn into road rage. I was so ready to turn that smug bastard into not-so-smug roadkill! 

Vanir…lifted his foot out in front of him. And that foot was apparently studier than a brick wall.

The moment the front bumper made contact with the sole of his shoe, I got into my first ever car crash. I was still alive thanks to my seatbelt, though my upper torso was hurting pretty bad from slamming into the steering wheel. Oh, and the airbag went off too late for it to be helpful. I was starting to hate Eris more and more with each passing failure...

Suddenly, the driver door was ripped off the hinges, and I was roughly yanked out of the vehicle, seatbelt and all. As I sprawled out onto the cold stone floor, I flipped over to stare up at Vanir, who stared down at me with equal parts irritation and weariness. I may have been imagining it, but it seemed like he was just the slightest bit winded.

"If you're quite done throwing your toys at me like a toddler having a tantrum, I believe playtime is now over," Vanir growled, eyes glowing bright red as he prepared his laser vision. "Any last words, foolish tinkerer?"

Well...if I was going down, might as well try to go down with some amount of dignity. 

"Show off those flashy powers all you like, you're still a lame villain. And I know a morbidly obese ninja."

With an unimpressed scoff, Vanir's eyes seemed to glow brighter, and I felt the fear creep back into my chest as I realized I was going to die again...

Only to be taken aback when Aqua's staff suddenly nailed Vanir right in the masked face. The butt of the staff actually pierced through the back the back of his head, turning him into the world's worst shish kabab. He stumbled back a little before looking over to the one who threw it.

"Bullseye!" Aqua cheered somewhere behind me. "That's how a goddess does it, you demonic bully!"

Vanir snarled audibly before he froze up. A small crack on his mask where the staff was lodged in slowly splintered out across the surface, smoke seeping out as it did. When he put a gloved hand up to touch it, he quickly pulled it back with a wince as he apparently got burned.

"You're a goddess...?" He asked aloud as the cracks in his mask continued to grow and sizzle. "So this holy magic...and my divination being hazy...because you - and him - and this...THIS...!"

Vanir's mask looked about ready to shatter like glass. And just when I expected it to do so, his gaze fell back to me. He gave one last exasperated sigh.

"This is embarrassing..."

The mask split in two, causing a surging wave of demonic energy to spill out of it. 

"Sacred Exorcism!" I heard Aqua chant. A column of heavenly light quickly encased the raging inferno of evil chi as it purified it all. Then, as quickly as it happened, it was over. Aqua's spell disappeared and Vanir's body was little more than clay and sand. His broken mask rested atop the remains like the metaphorical cherry on top of a victory sundae.

"Holy shit, Aqua! You got him!" I practically shrieked, more shocked that I was still alive after another boss encounter. "I thought I was toast! Thanks!"

"You're more than welcome, Jack. It's about time I get praised for my divine work~" Aqua said snootily as kneeled down to heal my battered body. I'd let her have this one, she did kinda earn it. "But seriously...WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!? Trying to run over an Archdemon - are you mad!? You could've killed yourself back there!"

"I-I panicked! Again!" I argued meekly, seeing the other two girls coming over check up on me. "I figured my car would do more damage to him than a robotic crossbow. But I guess it only did more damage to me..."

"Well don't do it again, alright? Just because I can revive you doesn't mean I want you dying every other fight," The goddess whined, before noticing the bewildered look I gave her when she said that. "What?"

"You can revive me if I die?" I asked stupidly. "That's something you can just do? I thought gods frowned upon raising the dead."

"Our magic isn't necromancy, it's holy. There's a difference," Aqua replied confidently, even though it just sounded like semantics to me. "We are the highest authority in any given world. If we want something to be done, we're allowed. It's every living thing below us that has to abide by it. But like I said, don't think this gives you permission to put yourself at risk like that!"

"Risk is something I strive to avoid whenever possible. Consider it done," I said with a mock salute, succeeding in making Aqua crack a smile and chuckle slightly. Wow, was this what having real friends felt like? Feels great!

Looking back down at the remains of Vanir, I smirked evilly and gloated at his ash pile. "How ya like us now, huh? That's what you get when you mess with Jack Spicer and his Evil Posse! Loser! HaHaHaHa! In your face you Jim Carrey wannabe!"

"As humble in victory as you are in defeat I see," Darkness remarked with a small chuckle of her own. Once we all had our fun at the masked loser's demise, her expression turned to a more serious one. "We should probably check on Keele and see if he's alright. I imagine Vanir must've did a number on him."

When she says something truly Crusader-like, that's usually when it's best to listen to her. As we went to go see our undead savior was okay, I was stuck with the strangest sense of...well, happiness I guess. It felt good knowing I could confidently call these ladies my real friends; that slowly but surely we were starting to understand each other. They might not fully get my evilness yet, but they were trying to at least, and that was good enough for now.

After running into some JackBots who were cowering alongside some Gremlins when Vanir went on a rampage, we made it back downstairs where this mess began. While the girls scoured the wreckage for Keele, I went ahead and switched the three still intact BuilderBots back on, taking a moment to relish the Windows XP startup sound. I always loved that sound~

"GET HIM!" BB-FR3D roared as he shot up into the air after coming back online. Once he processed that some time has already passed, he turned his head 180 degrees to face me. "Oh. Um...did we win, sir?"

"Uh, y-yeah, we won alright. Big time!" I reassured, not meeting the bot's eyes as I awkwardly scratched my cheek. "Anyway, your systems in order, Fred? Anything broken?"

"Negative. Still ready to rumble!" The bot replied zealously, followed shortly by a single bolt popping off his chassis and bouncing away. "I hope that wasn't essential..."

"Well, you're not completely falling apart on me, so it was probably nonessential. I'll get you a new one later," I said before addressing the other two BuilderBots once they powered back on. "Hey Bob, hey Geoffrey. We won the battle, baby! And you did great out there; you're still in one piece!"

"Thank you, sir! Glad to be of service!" BB-630FFR3Y replied cheerfully. "Any battle we can walk away from is a battle won in my book!"

"Uh, how often do they get destroyed to warrant a response like that?" Megumin suddenly asked with a raised brow and concerned expression. One that only grew when I started using my fingers to help count in my head. "Jack…?"

"I…don't know," I answered honestly, hot shame rushing over me when I said that. "Think I lost count after a while."

"I suppose this is a dumb question to ask, but have you ever considered increasing their durability?" Darkness asked with a curious head tilt. "I don't know how your robots work, but if they were made with stronger metal, would they be better able to tank attacks?"

"I already build them out of titanium but it's no use!" I wailed in frustration, the reality of my robots' situation hitting me hard. "When their enemies include monks with elemental powers, witches, Chinese warlords, and literal demons, they might as well be wearing armor made out of paper! I don't know how to make them any tougher..."

"Huh...hey, c'mere for a sec," Aqua requested, waving me over a feet away from the others. Confused but intrigued, I heard her out and joined her in a huddle. "Have you considered using metal from this world? They're actually way more durable than most metals on Earth! It's sort of this world's version of Mother Nature throwing humans a bone in the fight against the Devil King."

"Really?" I asked quietly, surprised I hadn't considered this sooner. That's when my eyes suddenly found themselves studying Darkness's shiny white breastplate.

"A-Ah~! I am being ogled by own friend and party leader!" The Crusader cried, covering her chest with her arms while Megumin immediately giving me death stares. "He is not even bothering to try and hide his hungry gazes at my body!"

"What - NO! I-I wasn't staring like that, honest! Nor was I doing that before!" I half-lied. "I just realized I never got to ask you what metal your is made out of. I've seen it endure so much yet it only gets chipped and cracked at worst. What is it?"

Darkness stopped fidgeting in place and Megumin thankfully dropped the death stare in favor of a confused one. After some slight hesitation, the former answered, "Oh, uh...that would be adamantite, the strongest metal alloy known to exist." She soon glanced between herself and the robots nearby in realization. "You don't think -"

"Only if they're up for it," I responded immediately, turning over to the bots listening in. "If I do a trial run with this adamantium-sounding metal, would you be fine with wearing 'new clothes' from here on out?"

"Affirmative! Nothing wrong with trying out a new shell!" Bob confirmed ecstatically, his enthusiasm shared with the other two robots. 

"Alright. I'll be sure to make that a top priority on my list of upcoming projects," I said with finality, before looking back at my unexpected muse. "If you got a spare set of armor lying around that you're not using, mind if I have it? T-To melt down for parts of course!"

"Certainly! I actually have a spare back at the...oh, right," Darkness muttered, her expression falling as she remembered our current situation. "It's likely already been confiscated by Sena and the Royal Guard."

Great, now I feel like shit again.

"Sorry…" I mumbled quietly while keeping my head down to avoid her gaze.

"Well...who knows? Maybe we could go on a mining adventure whenever we finish renovations!" Megumin suggested, before glancing up the stairs and grimacing. "Hey Jack, before we find Keele, you should probably send your robots to go sweep up Vanir's remains before we forget. Don't want to slip on it later."

"Good point," I agreed. "Bob, Geoffrey, Fred: go upstairs and dispose of the asshole's remains. But save the mask for me! I bet it'll look great on the mantle!"

"Right away, sir!" Fred chirped, before drifting up the stairs with his brothers. With that situation handled, the girls and I resumed looking for Keele, and ultimately found him back in his bedroom where he ushered us to safety in. Not that I wasn't grateful for him trying to protect us, but having us hide in a dead end wasn't exactly the smartest play, and I was right to elect to make a break for the exit.

Darkness didn't hesitate to jog towards the sprawled out Lich and kneel down to try and stir him awake. When he eventually came to, he laughed to himself softly before cutting himself off with a small, "Ow." Other than the human skeleton he keeps in his bed, I was already more of a Keele fan than I was a Wiz fan right now. He has a sense of humor and doesn't sell me out to the authorities. 

"Thanks for the assist, man. Your roommate was totally unhinged," I said earnestly as Keele sat up, glancing around at me and my friends. "Would've preferred you didn't unintentionally corner in your own room, but it's the thought that counts!"

When my friends suddenly gave me dirty looks, I held my hands on instinct. What did I say?

"Heh, well, it was the best I could do on such short notice. But I have to agree with Vanir on one thing: you are certainly an odd young man," Keele chortled quietly, unoffended by whatever had the girls so upset. "Such is the way of youth, I suppose. I was a bit of an oddball myself back when I was human...though perhaps that part of me never fully went away."

"Keele, was it?" Aqua asked, turning back to the rather relaxed undead. "As the goddess revered by the Axis Church, why have you forsaken your humanity in favor of becoming a Lich? We're grateful for your help, but I was this close to purifying you on the spot when Vanir started threatening Jack."

"Ah, well...that's quite the long story," Keele admitted with a wistful sigh. "If you're willing to lend an ear to an old man's ramblings, I think you'll have a decent understanding of my situation."

"Not like we have anywhere else to be at the moment," I said. "The floor is yours."

"Of course it is. This is my dungeon after all, nyhehehe!" The Lich joked. I was liking him more and more.  

Over the next half hour, Keele regaled us with his life's story. He spoke of how he fell in love with a nobleman's daughter but couldn't act upon it due to the social gap. So he channeled his focus into studying magic, becoming one of the greatest Archwizards of his generation.

When Belzerg's king at the time held a banquet for him in his honor, he said he could ask for anything he wanted. Since Keele's beloved had been gifted to the king as a concubine, he wished to have her hand in marriage. But the king was apparently a king-sized turd as he refused, despite not even caring for the girl himself.

Having none of this, Keele broke her out of the castle and the two eloped, living a life on the run as the entire kingdom marked him as public enemy number one.

"Just like us then..." I grumbled to myself.

"Oh? You defied your king and eloped with one of his concubine too?" Keele asked, having taken a seat in his chair to tell the story.

"No. More like accidentally teleport a live bomb to the capital and putting who knows how many royals in the hospital."

"Ah...that would definitely do it, yes," Keele said while rubbing the back of his neck. "But at least no one actually died, yeah? And the injured will no doubt be attended to by the nation's finest healers! Gotta find that silver lining somewhere; it's how I coped with being a wanted man myself!"

"Dully noted..."

Picking up where he left off, Keele explained how a bounty hunter managed to mortally wound him in an ambush one day. Determined to protect his loving wife at all costs, he turned himself into a Lich so he could continue looking after her. With his magic powers further enhanced by becoming a King of the Undead, Keele built this labyrinth of a dungeon to hide the both of them in.

Since his wife's passing, he's mostly kept to himself, with his only company in recent years being Vanir. And that lasted for only a few weeks before we came into the picture.

As the story came to a close, I couldn't help but eye his dead wife out of morbid curiosity. "You don't still…like 'do stuff' with her, do you?"

"Jack, why are you like this…?" Megumin groaned as she buried her head in her hands. Darkness and Aqua both shot me mortified looks in response. Keele was a good sport, though, chuckling a little and shaking his head in amusement.

"Oh, how I yearn to be a teenager again," he said wistfully. "You needn't worry, son. My days of taking my beloved down to the 'bone zone' are long behind me. Just be thankful she isn't around to hear you say that. Doubt she'd find it as funny as I do."

"Yeah, sorry," I muttered, feeling slightly guilty despite myself. Honestly, Keele was a pretty cool guy, even if a little righteous for my liking. Still, game recognizes game. "Anyway, what are you gonna do now?"

"Well, it's actually fortuitous that you and your party happened to stop by, believe it or not," Keele said, turning to Aqua before elaborating. "Forgive me if I find you being a goddess dubious at best, ma'am, but you are an Archpriest at least, are you not?"

"Indeed I am," Aqua replied in an unsettlingly calm tone, especially given how her godhood was being questioned. I tilted my head to face her, and I was struck by how...mature she suddenly looked, a far cry from her usual behavior. It wasn't just her expression either, but something about her posture, the way she carried herself. There was a respect to it. "Are you asking what I think you're asking?"

"I believe so," Keele said with a tired sigh, looking up at Aqua with almost longing eyes. "Would you be so kind as to purify me? I wish to be reunited with my beloved up in Heaven."

"It would be my pleasure," Aqua replied without the slightest hint of humor or ego. For the first time since I met her, I actually had the feeling of watching a goddess at work. Moving to stand in front of Keele, she extended her hand to just above his head and started to speak.

"Archwizard Keele, you abandoned your humanity and became a Lich. In the name of Aqua, Goddess of Water, your sin is forgiven. When you awaken you will meet Eris, another goddess, one with deceptively large breasts. If you tell her Aqua sent you and explain your situation to her, she will accommodate you. You shall be with your beloved again very soon."

The skeleton-man managed a warm smile as he slowly started to disappear in a blue glow. Before he completely left this mortal coil, however, I was just able to hear him utter "I'm coming, my Love."

After that, there was no trace of Keele left to speak of.

Well…except for that small pile of gold and jewels left behind on his nightstand. I didn't say anything, partially out of fear of incurring the girls' wrath, but I was pretty sure they noticed me eyeing it regardless.

"You think we can just…?" I asked after a few beats, receiving the glares I had anticipated in turn "Oh, c'mon! At least one of you was also thinking it! It's not like he needs anymore, why shouldn't we take it!?"

While Darkness and Megumin both crossed their arms, I did catch Aqua's glare falter when she snuck a peek at the loot herself. A familiar greedy glint appeared in her eyes that I've come to know whenever she wanted some of my hard earned money.

"I mean...he probably would want us to take it, right? To not only help us on our journey, but also as a thank you for purifying!" Aqua suggested, looking startled when the other two girls glared at her. "Hey, Jack is right you know! Keele doesn't need it now that he's up in Heaven! Can't we take it? Pretty please~?"

I quickly slid up right beside my new supporter and cranked up the puppy dog eyes. "With a cherry on top~?"

"You guys are both vultures," Megumin deadpanned, before glancing at the loot pile like a vulture herself. "Although...we could probably get some decent gear with all that gold…"

"Megumin!?" Darkness practically squawked in surprise. However, before she could try to object any further, she looked to us three and came to the realization that she had been outvoted on this one. Like clockwork, she gradually became aroused at the thought of having virtually no voice in the group. Was it weird to be attracted to one of your newly established friends? Wait, uh, I mean – SHUT UP!

"Quick, while she's in her own little world! Grab the loot!" I whispered to my partners in crime, each of us grabbing whatever we could carry from the pile as Darkness flushed and sputtered. "Up to the limo: go, go, go!"

By the time the horny Crusader finished having her moment, she called at us from down below the stairs. I drowned out her cries with my trademark evil laugh, and the less-than-evil giggles from my associates. I may be jumping the gun when I say this, but I think having these numbskulls for friends might prove to be one of the few best things to ever happen to me.

Y'know, aside from eventually taking over the world, of course. Duh.

Chapter Text

Nothing like processed chocolate to start the day off right-wrong!

After surviving the unplanned boss encounter last night, we all ended up passing out at some point in the main hall. I was the first to wake up due to the night terrors, making it hard for me to stay asleep again. Well, that and my stomach was nagging me to put something in it now that it'd been two days since I've eaten anything. Luckily, I came prepared and packed my magic 3D snack printer before we left Spicer Mansion II!

However, because I designed it to only spawn junk food of my choosing, we didn't have any water to drink. But that was a non-issue since I had the Create Water skill and the literal Goddess of Water on my team. We were honestly sitting pretty, all things considered.

By the time the girls woke up, they were greeted by a bounty of all my favorite snack foods for us to feast on. Megumin and Darkness were a little skeptical of the food at first, but after hearing their own stomachs growling at them in protest, they relented soon enough.

And so we all sat around and helped ourselves to whatever I could spawn before the printer ran out of juice. As Aqua and Megumin inhaled their chips and snack cakes, I noticed a put-off Crusader eyeing her own selection of food.

"Somethin' wrong, Dark?" I asked in between spoonfuls of pudding. "You've barely touched your Cheetos, and you haven't even cracked open your can of Coke."

"It's not that I'm ungrateful for you providing us with your world's food but…I can't help but be slightly dubious of it," Darkness admitted, glaring at the cheesy poofs before her with suspicion. "What did you call this again? Junk food? That hardly sounds appetizing, let alone healthy."

"Whaddya mean!?" I questioned in an offended tone while gesturing at the glorious spread. "You've got your dairy, carbohydrates, sugar, and high fructose corn syrup! All the essential food groups are here! I'd get a vegetable for you, Lalatina-Picky-Eater-Dustiness, but those are literally wild animals in this world!"

"That's not - I just - how dare…! UGH!" Darkness relented, grabbing a small handful of Cheetos in visible frustration. Guess I hit a nerve with that picky eater comment. "Do not take me for a dainty noble who is too afraid to try commoner's food from another world! I shall eat this and absorb its XP like everything else!"

"Attagirl!" I cheered as I watched the rough 'n' tough Crusader force herself to eat chips. "But for the record, Earth food doesn't give you XP. Experience points aren't a thing in my universe's laws of physics."

"That you know of~" Aqua commented with a cheesy wink to match her cheese-stained smile. "Most Earth humans used to be able to harness magic too, y'know. But they gradually forgot how once science became the hip new thing. Only a handful of enclaves, and certain poodles, still practice the occult in your world."

"Yeah, and monsters stick to secluded areas with no human activity. I know this already…" I yawned, only barely listening to the first half of what she said. I already had my mental breakdown over the supernatural existing on Earth long ago; I didn't need a reminder. I was more interested in focusing on the present, like Darkness coming around to junk food.

"Oh my…this actually does taste good!" She declared in surprised delight while examining another puff. "The cheese-like flavor is so rich, and the texture is unlike anything I've ever felt before! Although I don't care much for the dust it leaves behind on my fingers…"

Her continued studying of her fingers yielded a new hypothesis from the pioneer, "...like portable sandpaper, chafing my skin. G-Grinding the cheese into my very pores…"

"But that's the best, Dark," I said with a chuckle, trying to ignore the aroused mumblings over Cheeto dust of all things. "Anyway, don't forget to wash it down with some soda. It's a carbonated drink, kinda like that 'Neroid' stuff they sell at the guild. Just take the tab and -"

The levity quickly faded when I suddenly got splashed in the face with soda. Darkness, ever the knucklehead, ripped her Coke can in half after getting stumped figuring out how to open it. Aqua snorted and fell on her back laughing at my misfortune.

"Pfft - HAHAHA! You're gonna be all sticky now, Jack! It's like a soda bukkake! What a dirty boy you are~!"

As Darkness was having a flustered meltdown and I was on the verge of yelling at Aqua, our collective attention was soon drawn to the sounds of voracious smacking. Slowly, our heads turned towards the direction of a certain Crimson Demon. We observed the little monster violently ripping into whatever she could get her hands on like a starving wolf. She was either unaware or completely indifferent to her surroundings.

"Damn, girl! You're gonna eat the wrappers by mistake!" I cried, partly to see if it could snap her out of her food trance.

"I can't help it! This stuff's AMAZING!" Megumin replied ecstatically, a Snickers bar in one hand and a bag of pretzels in the other. "This beats the crawfish and fried cicadas back home! It's even better than the marbled red crab we had! I WANT MORE!"

My eyes widen in both realization and mild fear. "Uh-oh…I gave the malnourished kid her first ever sugar rush…"

"Sugar rush? What is…oh," Darkness started to ask, before noticing Megumin practically vibrating as she continued to stuff her face. "I believe I understand now…"

"Yeah, I think breakfast time is over…" I said while slowly reaching out for the bag of chips in front of the hyperactive time bomb. "Uh, how about we save the Doritos for later and -"

I quickly drew my hand back when Megumin pounced on the chips with a goddamn hiss. Her eyes were wide and frantic as she scooped up her snacks before skittering away to a corner like a threatened animal. Obviously, the rest of us were freaked the fuck out by that reaction.

"…Help yourself to whatever you like! You've earned it, buddy!" I declared with a faux smile and a thumbs-up, anything to placate the explosive food junkie. As Megumin continued to murder her breakfast, I looked back at the other two girls and whispered, "We'll just have to wait for her to crash…"

"Yeah, I wouldn't risk sending your robots to go in after her," Aqua agreed, watching the display in morbid curiosity before scooting further away. "Anyway, we should probably focus on the plan going forward."

"Hmm? Oh, right," I started, moving aside the snacks that were lucky enough to survive Megumin's carnage and spreading out the ground plans for the new lair. "Okay, so, with three BuilderBots left intact, my limited MP for Sandbox Mode, and a small supply of emergency mana potions, projections for getting the second lair fully operable are… uhhh…!"

Crap! I forgot Aqua doesn't know I use her as a battery to recharge whenever she's asleep! How does one tell their official new friend they've been secretly siphoning their endless magic without it sounding weird? Oh, why didn't my insomnia kick in last night when I could've used it most!? I might've been able to at least get one-fourth of the lair done by now!

"In other words, your plans for making a second 'lair' are on hold right now. Probably a blessing in disguise, honestly," Aqua admitted, thankfully steering the conversation away from that topic for now. "This new home sucks! I say we find somewhere nicer to crash, like a five-star hotel."

"We can't go anywhere with the flying limo totaled, Aqua," I countered, doing my best to hold back my usual sassy villain snark. "That's gonna take heavy tools to fix, and I don't have the magic manpower to spawn the materials to make them. Besides, this place isn't so bad once you ignore the occasional Gremlin. I'll take those over spiders any day."

"Sorry, Jack, but I'm with Aqua for once," Darkness chimed in, ignoring the goddess's pointed look over that little jab. "While I don't mind the prospect of being ambushed by depraved monsters myself, this area just isn't suitable for our friends. We need to come up with a new plan, one that doesn't involve us living in a hole in the ground. My proposition: come out and attempt to clear our names."

"What!? Do you actually have muscles for brains, woman!?" I shouted, carrying on even as the flustered Crusader grabbed me by the collar in a show of intimidation. "You girls blatantly defied the law and I ran while in the middle of being charged! In what reality does that look good on our end!?"

"W-Well, I…I was thinking maybe - just this once - I could use my pull as a member of House Dustiness to sway the court or even Iris herself. But Eris knows what she'd think of me stooping to that level…"

"Iris?" I asked in confusion.

"The first princess of Belzerg," Darkness explained. "Seeing as how the coronatite fell directly on top of her home, she'll obviously have a personal stake in the matter. But I've known her since she was really little; she looks up to me. If I can have an audience with her to explain the situation, I'm sure she'll understand. She may be dedicated to the country, but she isn't unreasonable."

"But…I've already decorated though…" I argued weakly, gesturing to Vanir's taped up mask hanging on the wall behind us. "It's not much but it gives the room a little feng shui."

"Jack, while I agree it looks nice, that's hardly a…" Darkness attempted to make a counterargument before trailing off as she looked at the mask long and hard, eyebrows furrowing intensely. "Wait a minute...what if the mask is our answer!?"

"A smelly demon mask is the answer? Those Cheetos must've gone to her head," Aqua muttered behind me. I couldn't help but agree: between her and the sugar-crazed Megumin, I was regretting my decision to feed these girls junk food.

"Yeah, do you need to lie down?" I asked Darkness worriedly before she rudely slapped my hand away from her shoulder.

"No, shut up, just listen to me for a moment! Vanir was a Demon General for the Devil King, yes? Well, since we slayed him…we could present his mask as a token of goodwill and hopefully clear our charges."

"Wait a sec…" I said suddenly, getting up to take my trophy off the wall as I spoke my thoughts aloud. "Vanir was a Demon General for the Devil King. And since we slayed him…we could present his mask as a token of goodwill and clear our charges! Then we can finally go back to our real home! God, I'm such a genius!"

Honestly, I don't know why I didn't think of such a brilliant idea sooner. Or why Darkness suddenly picked me up and was shaking me in a furious manner. Who cares – I just figured out our Get Out of Jail Free card!

As things got randomly chaotic for the second time that morning, our collective attention was drawn yet again to Megumin. The sugar junkie was in the middle of loudly disemboweling a Twinkie like a zombie straight out of a splatter film. The noise alone was enough to make my stomach churn, and Darkness shaking me moments prior didn't help.

At some point, a wandering JackBot (of the few that escaped Vanir's wrath last night) noticed the kid's condition and cautiously extended a claw out to her.

"Ma'am, please, I think you've had enough -"

Megumin went on the defensive, grabbing the poor robot by his arm and yanking it off with a genuinely fearsome roar. He let out a distressed whistle from his vocabulator before being abruptly silenced by his own arm being thrown at his faceplate. The JackBot immediately zoomed over to me, detached arm in attached hand, and nuzzled himself into my chest while quaking in fear.

"Hold me!"

"No, hold me!"

Man and machine embraced each other in a fear hug as we both silently watched Megumin give us a warning glare before resuming her messy feast. Fucking rabid animal…

"That sugar crash can't come soon enough…" Aqua admitted, taking a few cautionary steps back despite her generous distance already. "A-Anyway, like I was saying, this place blows! Even if it's a small chance to get back home to the mansion, it's still a chance I'm willing to take. My vote goes to Darkness!"

"Alright, fine! You've made your point," I relented after easing out of my moment of mortal fear. I continued to speak as I busied myself with reattaching the JackBot's arm. "Whether this works out or not, I just hope those royal yokels are too stupid to figure out how to use a keypad lock to get into my lab. I'd rather not have medieval dunderheads touch my shit…err, current company notwithstanding."

"Even if they did find a way to access it, I have to wonder how much they'd be willing to risk moving around," Darkness commented. "The one time we went down there, we barely knew what we were looking at, even with your assistance. I can't imagine what they'd think without anyone to guide them."

"You may be right. Still, I don't like the idea of other people playing with my stuff," I said after haphazardly sticking the JackBot's arm back in place. "It was bad enough when my little cousin would play with my robots. Can't imagine what'd be like for snobby royals to get their grubby hands on them."

"Oh, are you referring to 'Lady' Megan?" The JackBot, who I know identified as JB-B3NNY, questioned innocently while testing the functions of his reattached arm. "I've heard Sigma Squad tell stories about her to the other units. Her tea parties sounded nice!"

"Maybe for you guys…" I grumbled, recalling the irritation I felt after Megan had decided my JackBots would look better in dresses. "If I can take solace in one thing, it's that I'll never have to deal with Megan touching my stuff again."

"Wait, you had a little cousin?" Aqua suddenly asked, seemingly confused by such a marvel concept. "That wasn't in the file I received back in Heaven. Then again, I did skim over it, so…"

"I'm sorry, you 'skimmed over' my file?" I asked in a near accusatory tone. "First you thought I lived in Japan when I actually lived in America before moving to China. Now you're saying you didn't know I had a cousin? Aqua…how much do you know about my life on Earth?"

"Ah...well…" Aqua trailed off, avoiding my gaze as she chuckled nervously, lacing her hands together before hastily clearing her throat. "A-Anyway, as soon as Megumin winds down, we should probably start moving back in the direction of Axel!"

I narrowed my eyes at the suspicious Water Goddess before relenting, "Alright, but I got my eye on you, Buster Brown. One way or another, I'll get my answer outta you..."

Keeping that conversation locked away in the back of my mind for later, the girls, bots, and I all started to pack what little we had out, while giving Megumin a wide berth. Eventually, the little mongrel passed out, falling asleep on the stone floor with a small mountain of snack wrappers strewn around her.

Note to self: load the pyromaniac up on candy as a last resort secret weapon.

"Ooogh…my stomach, my head…it's worse than a hangover…" Megumin groaned while getting a piggyback from Aqua. We had gathered all of our essentials and were standing at the threshold of the dungeon when the little Archwizard finally came out of her food coma. "Why did nobody stop me…?"

"I tried to, but you ripped my arm off, psycho!" Benny cried from behind the small group of surviving robots. "Seriously, I may have to request a memory wipe later! All I can see now is your ravenous monster face coming at me!"

Megumin merely grumbled, "I guess robots can be wimps too…"

"You: zip it," I said pointedly to the gurgling mage before addressing my robo-bro. "You: remind me later and I'll have that traumatic memory purged. Now, do you guys have Keele's treasure all secured?"

"Affirmative!" Benny beeped along with the remaining JackBots. Since the car was still wrecked from last night's battle, we had to leave it in the mouth of the dungeon for the time being. But we made sure the bots took Keele's stuff out of the trunk first before leaving. Any wandering adventurers would probably get more use out of gold than a broken-down vehicle, and I wasn't about to let that happen. This ain't a charity!

"Good. In that case, looks like we're ready to head back home…and hopefully not get killed on sight…haaaah."

Really wish Keele hadn't told us the time he was also hunted by the government…

"We won't," Darkness reassured, lightly patting my shoulder. "Not while your shield is here. Besides, even with the circumstances, they'd know better than to outright attack nobility."

I smiled softly. "Thanks, Dark. Whatever happens to us going forward, I just wanna say I'm…sorry for getting us all into this mess. I-I only did what I did because I panicked and wanted to save you guys from sharing my fate. So, um, if we do get the death penalty regardless, I just wanna say…"

I took a deep breath of courage before finishing my thought. "Hanging out with you guys was a lot of fun. And I'm really happy you wanted to be my f-friends. So, thanks…for everything."

"While I still hold hope that things will work out in the end, I appreciate your sentiments all the same," Darkness replied with a small smile. "It has been an honor being both your ally and friend. Regardless of how today ends, know that I was happy to walk alongside you for as long as I did."

"I can't say I necessarily enjoyed being a fugitive with you. But…" Aqua stalled, seemingly thinking over her words before smiling. "I also can't say I didn't have fun hanging out with you either. You may be the weirdest human I've ever met, but you're a total riot! And that's coming from a goddess; we're known to party like no one else!"

Megumin propped her head up over Aqua's shoulder to look at me intensely, muscling through her tummy ache to be serious. "In the past couple of months I've gotten to know you guys, you mean the world to me. You're the only ones who've ever given me the time of day and respected my Explosion Magic. I can never thank you enough. I really hope we don't die because I enjoy hanging out with you all."

I allowed myself to smile as I nodded in mutual agreement. "Me too, M-Bomb. Me too..."

And on that inspirational note, we stepped out of Keele's Dungeon to greet the outside world. The morning snow was honestly very pretty to look at and not coming down too hard. Maybe the Winter Shogun finally settled down -

"What the-!?"

The girls and I were halted when we suddenly ran into a series of something long and near invisible. My arachnophobia mind feared the worst when we heard someone shout from the bushes:

"They fell for the Wire Trap! DO IT!"

"BIND!"

The not-spider webs (thank god) magically wrapped around us tightly. Tuning out Darkness's obvious enjoyment over this development, I turned to see adventurers come out of hiding in the foliage. I didn't recognize them from Axel. They must've been from a different guild; bounty hunters sent to come after us. Just like the ones in Keele's past.

Before I could order the remaining JackBots to attack, the mage of the group pointed her staff and a magic cipher circle was summoned beneath us.

"Teleport!"

Everything else happened in a literal flash.

No longer was I staring at a small clearing in the middle of the woods. Looming over me even off in the distance was a sprawling metropolis of pristine gray bricks and seafoam green rooftops. It had a huge wall surrounding it like Axel, only three times the height and heavily reinforced. In fact, I don't think the lowly starter town would even fill in a quarter of the capital's space, and it was a surprisingly big for a place you were meant to leave once you grind enough Levels. The castle-like structure in the middle was just about the only eyesore as it was barely standing at the moment.

Of course, that alone was enough to clue me in on where we'd been teleported to. But what I assumed to be the princess herself looking down at me on a stage also confirmed my suspicions.

She was a lot younger than I expected, probably no older than twelve. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes, wore a white regal dress with gold and blue trimmings, and a circlet with grapes attached to the side. Since fruits and vegetables were living creatures in this world, that would be like having a small, dead animal hanging off your head…which I guess isn't that far off from fur coats and baby seal shoes.

Standing by her side were her presumed bodyguards, a female mage and knight going off of appearances alone. Their outfits, while different due to their respective classes, shared a similar royal blue color scheme with gold trimmings to denote a high status. Like the princess, they too had blonde hair and blue eyes, with the knight that was currently glaring at me having her bangs cover her left eye. She also had a blue streak of hair dye on her right bang.

The second we teleported in and as I was processing all of this, multiple armed guards had blocked us with their swords despite the fact we were still bound by strong wire. In fact, there was a whole ARMY surrounding the area! And fenced off to the sidelines by more soldiers was a roaring crowd of displeased locals. Nobles, townspeople, even some tough-looking adventurers were attending. The latter, by the way, appeared noticeably Asian compared to everybody else. Must've been high-leveled cheat users from Asia resting on their laurels here in the capital.

Oh, and to make matters worse? My JackBots didn't get teleported along with us. Peachy. Hopefully they can fend off the bounty hunters or at least get away with Keele's shit.

"Please settle down now, everyone!" The mage bodyguard attempted to shout at the crowd, but didn't possess nearly enough of a booming voice to get the message through. "Th-The trial cannot proceed if you cannot control yourselves!"

It was then that her far-from-timid partner unsheathed her sword and dove it straight into the ground with a powerful thrust, violently splintering the wood of the stage. That managed to shut the subjects up real quick.

"For the sake of Princess Iris Stylish-Sword Belzerg, learn to conduct yourselves in the presence of royalty!" She reprimanded sternly, although it seemed more aimed at the nobles in particular. "I understand the hardships we've all had to endure yesterday, but that does not mean you should behave like the plebeians attending alongside you! Set an example for them!"

Oh great: stuck-up and no-nonsense. She was gonna be a fun one, I could tell…

The little girl tugged on the knight's sleeve, and her face quickly softened as she bent down to listen to her whisper something privately. Nodding, she stood straight up again and pointed at Darkness.

"The princess says, 'May the guards untie Lady Dustiness and allow her to step up to the stage, please'."

"I'm okay staying tied up."

The awkward pause from our wall that never knows when to shut up was palpable. Her captors looked back at the knight, who after a beat coughed out a response.

"U-Untie her anyway. By the princess's decree."

Without so much as blinking, the guards standing near Darkness withdrew their weapons and undid the wires wrapped around her body (even if her mind was screaming at them to stop). After an awkward amount of time passed, they eventually set her free and she wasted no time walking up to the stage. She bowed before the princess despite not being ordered to.

"Princess Iris, I -"

Whatever Darkness was about to say, Iris cut her off when she leapt out of her little throne to go in for a hug. The jury behind me started murmuring to themselves, though I couldn't make out their intent. Darkness appeared somewhat stunned at first, but she quickly returned the hug, careful to not crush the young princess with her insane Crusader strength.

I could just barely make out what Iris was saying to Darkness. "Thank Eris you are alright, Elder Sister. When the news came that you were with the perpetrator, I had feared the worst. Please, tell me you weren't actually an accomplice in all this! Did he kidnap you? Blackmail you? Perhaps it was mind control!"

"I-I am quite fine, princess. Thank you for caring about my wellbeing," Darkness responded formally but still making sure to soothe the little one by rubbing her back. "But I'm afraid this has all been a grievous misunderstanding."

"Is that so, Ms. Dustiness?"

Entering stage left was the Royal-fucking-Prosecutor, Sena, coming to make things even more difficult than they already were. "Because you and your party were more than willing to aid Mr. Spicer in resisting arrest. Not only is that obstruction of justice, it also makes you three accomplices to his crime, as per my warning. On top of fleeing from authorities, this doesn't look very good for you four."

"How did you even find us?" I couldn't help but ask out of habit. Regretted it almost instantly.

The next time I blinked, I was staring down the pointed end of the blue hair dyed knight's sword. The Royal Army already had me surrounded and I was tied up - what more did she want!?

"You speak when spoken to, terrorist scum! You nearly kill our beloved princess, and you have the gall to display disrespect right in front of her!? I OUGHT TO GUT YOU HERE AND NOW!"

My frightened mewl was easily drowned out by the attendees going wild with excitement. They were more like bloodthirsty spectators at the Roman Colosseum than a fair jury!

"Claire, stop!" the soft-spoken mage bodyguard shouted over the crowd. "We still have to give him a trial, even if it's just a formality! We nobles are supposed to set an example to the common people, remember!?"

"Rain is right, he must stand on trial," Iris insisted strictly yet earnestly. The princess speaking also had the side-effect of making everybody quiet down. "I would like to get all the facts in order before I make my final decision. So please, stand down for now. I know you're better than this, Claire…"

The knight, now identified as Claire, looked back to her fellow bodyguard and princess respectively. I noticed her knuckles whitened as her grip on the sword increased before she eventually stood up and sheathed it. Before returning to Iris's side, she gave me another dirty look as though I were the living manifestation of garbage and left with a snide remark.

"This waste of space doesn't deserve Princess Iris's mercy. It should've killed itself when it had the chance…"

G-Goddamn, not even Wuya and Chase were that cruel with their insults…

"If you must know, tracking you down was fairly straightforward," Sena dutifully answered as the mean knight lady made her way back up the stage. "Reports were made of the general direction your magic flying craft was last seen heading in. We teleported in the best adventurers from the capital's guild to help narrow down the search. Since Keele's Dungeon is the closest point of interest west of Axel, it was naturally one of the first locations to be scouted. From there, it was a simple matter of setting a trap for you to inevitably spring."

Ah, those adventurers had to have arrived after we all passed out. They probably saw the broken parts near the entrance, knew we were holed up in the dungeon, and decided to play the waiting game to be safe. If the surviving JackBots weren't still shaken up from the Vanir boss battle, they probably would've alerted us had they been on guard duty.

Aqua (who I just realized had Megumin tied up to her back) managed to lean over and whisper, "I told you we should've flown further out than we did!"

"No you didn't!" I whisper-yelled back.

"Royal Prosecutor, before you do anything, please hear me out!" Darkness started, still choosing to kneel before Princess Iris despite her technically being within her league. "We come with physical evidence that we are not nor ever were conspiring against Belzerg, and that what happened at the capital was not a premeditated attack!"

Sena raised an eyebrow and turned to Claire. The knight leaned over again to listen to whatever Princess Iris was whispering in her ear before standing up straight and parroting the royal tyke.

"The princess says, 'I will allow this. May whoever in the perpetrator's party is in possession of this evidence please present it before the court immediately'."

"That… would be Jack, I'm afraid…" Darkness admitted shamefully.

Claire and Sena both stifled a groan as the audience continued to murmur with curiosity. It was Rain, the mage bodyguard, that volunteered to retrieve our saving grace from off of me.

"I-I'll get it, princess," She stuttered before stepping down the stage and approaching me. Rain stood there somewhat awkwardly as her face scrunched up, as if she were trying to figure out how to go about this. "Ah… I imagine you have it in your pocket somewhere?"

"Uh… yeah, in my coat pocket," I answered lamely while gazing down at the wires digging into my body. "Might have to move these out of the way first."

Surprisingly, Rain went from timid like Yunyun to serious like Claire as she narrowed her eyes. "The guards will restrain you as they move some of the wires aside. Do not be a fool and think of this as an opportunity to escape. You will be executed on the spot should you make any sudden movements. Is this understood?"

I gulped, "G-Got it…"

Rain ordered the guards invading my space to search me with nothing but a nod. As some roughly held me in place, a few worked together to loosen the wires enough on my left side to allow my coat pocket to be exposed. The mage quickly cast some kind of protective spell on herself just in case I had thought to boobytrap my own pocket before reaching a hand in.

Squishing was soon heard.

Confused and slightly disgusted, Rain pulled her hand out, holding onto an open candy bar from this morning's breakfast. The outer layer of chocolate had melted onto the wrapper and was now coating the mage's hand.

"Oh, sorry, forgot I had that in there," I apologized. "I was in a hurry and -"

A mighty roar was soon heard, and a sudden weight was on my chest and I fell back in pain, the guards moving back in surprise themselves. A seething, snarling, snorting Claire was right on top of me with her blade right up to my fucking neck!

"Is this some kind of joke to you!? This is your own damn trial; take this seriously! I will not stand this kind of insult in Iris's name!" She shouted into my face before getting even closer into my personal bubble to hiss, "Do not make me have to stain my sword with your filthy blood…"

"What kind of sick puppy are you!?" I managed to huff out in spite of the murderous woman squatting on my chest.

The courtyard was quiet, or at least it was to me, as the threat of imminent death loomed closer and closer to my throat…

"It's sweet!"

…

All eyes turned to the voice, as the wizard I'd accidentally covered in chocolate was now licking her glove. An almost eager pace to her movements as she lapped up the sweet-tasting gunk.

"...Lady Rain, you are in public," Claire muttered.

Even I was baffled by her decision to lick mystery goop from out of someone else's pocket. "You are a braver woman than I…"

Rain ignored us, offering the discarded wrapper to Iris. "Princess, would you like to try some? It appears to be cocoa mixed with a sweetener of some kind to remove all the bitterness."

All tension in the event really seeped out as the princess took the last of the candy for herself, acting just how you'd expect a kid tasting candy for the first time. Claire blushed as she observed the princess's movements, and I could feel her grip on me loosen by the second. Once again, my life was saved thanks to the miracle of Kit-Kats.

"It appears you have appeased the princess for now," Claire informed me after having collected herself. "But should you have any other tricks in your pocket -"

"I don't! Megumin ate them all! Promise!"

"Tch!" Came an annoyed grunt, but not from the furious blonde on top of me. I think it actually came from Iris of all people. Note to self: butter up royalty with Butterfingers...

Claire decided to do the pocket grab this time, careful not to smear anything brown on herself and bringing out the mask.

The crowd and soldiers audibly gasped at the sight of all that remained of the self-proclaimed "strongest Devil King General". Claire and Rain inspected the object with wide eyes, clearly just as shocked as everyone else. Iris leaned forward in her throne with anticipation and bated breath. And Sena -

"I'm sorry - is that TAPE I see?"

Everyone was seemingly sucked out of their awed reverie as they too noticed the double-sided scotch tape I had wrapped down the middle to hold the two halves in place. When all eyes inevitably turned towards me again, I shrugged as best I could while still being tied up.

"What? I thought it would look nice over the mantle."

Darkness was quick to interrupt, "W-What he means to say is that the artifact of his freedom would not mean as much in two halves!"

"So…you tried to fix it with tape? A demon general's mask?" Sena asked with a massively raised eyebrow towards my blonde foot-eater.

She blinked, realizing her mistake, then hung her head in shame. "N-No… we simply wished to hang the mask above the mantelpiece…to look nice for g-guests…"

She acted embarrassed, but I think that's a perfectly fine place for such an item!

"It really would make for a kickass conversation starter, if you'll pardon my wretched incantation, ma'am," Megumin added with a knowing nod, ignoring the offended gasps she caused. "Not to mention a worthy trophy of our exploits!"

"I was the only one against it," Aqua admitted with a grumble. "The thing reeks of unwashed demon BO…"

Carefully removing the mask from Claire's hands, Rain gave her seething partner a reassuring pat on the back before gesturing for her to return upstage to the princess. The knight reined in her anger and the two bodyguards presented the mask to Iris. As she gingerly took it in her hands, her eyes analyzed it intently, looking for any possible signs of forgery.

"...It's genuine."

There was a ruckus amongst the jury. How the princess was able to come to that conclusion without any tools or such, I'll never know. Guess the kid had an eye for demonic accessories. Kinda like me, actually!

"See? If I really were in cahoots with the Devil King, would I have gone out of my way to kill one of my 'boss's' generals for you? On top of the one I already killed?" I asked rhetorically, getting a little ballsy now that things seemed to be going my way for once. We might actually be able to get out of this jam!

"W-Well, uh…I concede, that would seem rather unlikely now," Sena admitted while adjusting her glasses, actually appearing a little embarrassed to be proven wrong finally. Even so, she managed to compose herself before pulling out a…bell? "But just to be absolutely certain, we'll be using this lie-detector to confirm your true intentions."

"...That's a bell," I said plainly. I felt dumb for even having to say that.

"Correct. And since it didn't ring, it's working as intended."

"...is she okay?" I asked no one in particular.

"P-Please, Royal Prosecutor! Forgive this one, he is…not from around here," Darkness reassured Sena, eyeing the bell for a second before saying that. "As such, he is unfamiliar with our customs and everyday appliances. You understand, yes?"

"Why are you so panicked?" I asked Darkness in mild fear. "Will it kill me on the spot if it rings!?"

"It's just a magic lie-detector, silly~" Aqua explained, seemingly only barely paying attention. "All it does is ring when you tell a lie around it. Like if I said I liked your robots."

DING!

"Or if I thought Darkness's muscles were cute."

DING!

"Or if I said Megumin wasn't crazy like you."

DING!

"See? …hey, why are you all looking at me like that? I explained it pretty good!"

"Yes, well...as crass of a demonstration as that was, I believe you are now caught up to speed on the nature of the bell," Sena said after an awkward pause. "You will answer the questions truthfully, lest the consequences be dire. Understand?"

Nodding nervously, Sena continued to hold up the accursed magical item before beginning the impromptu interrogation.

"Very well. First question: are you in league with the Devil King's Army or any other enemy of the state?"

"No," I answered honestly. The bell didn't go off that time. The crowd murmured to themselves while Sena nodded to some Royal Note-taker off to the side, likely making sure everything was kept on the record.

"Alright then. Follow-up question: did you really flee from your arrest to seek out and kill a Devil King General to prove your innocence?"

Shit…

"Uuuhhh…"

"I do not advise lying. The bell will know," Sena reminded with sharp eyes piercing my soul from behind her glasses.

"I…okay, fine, no I didn't!" I admitted. "We went into hiding and bumped into that Vanir guy by accident. He tried to kill us so we killed him out of self-defense. Then we kept his mask and got the idea to bring it to you guys as a token of good faith…"

In spite of myself, I dared to look up at the prosecutor and princess. "By the way, is it working?"

"Commoners are not allowed to directly gaze at the princess, least of all suspected criminals," Claire snarled from her position. "Eyes down and do not speak again unless it is to answer before the bell!"

"Y-Yes ma'am…wait, did that count or no?"

Claire was on the verge of ripping her hair out. The princess had to pat her arm just to temper her thinly-veiled bloodlust.

"Next question," Sena coughed into her free hand, bringing the focus back to the interrogation. "If you do not identify yourself as an enemy of Belzerg, why did you bomb our capital?"

"I didn't bomb your stupid capital already!"

DING!

Many unamused death glares were sent my way.

"Ah…right. That was technically a lie, wasn't it?" I chuckled awkwardly. When the glares only hardened, I quickly corrected myself. "What I meant to say was I never intended to bomb the capital. I keep telling you it was a freak accident, but nobody wants to hear it! Seriously, haven't you people ever heard of, 'innocent until proven guilty'?"

The bell kept quiet that time. I was really beginning to hate this magic device more and more as the trial went on.

"Then how did this happen; what is your explanation for this disaster?"

I clicked my tongue, "Oh, so NOW you wanna listen, huh?"

"JUST TAKE THE WIN AND TALK, JACK!"

"Okay, okay! Got caught up in the moment, sorry…" I apologized after all three of my girls yelled at me in unison. "Look, you want the honest truth? The big boom would've killed most of Axel had I not ordered it to go boom elsewhere. When dealing with a literal ticking time bomb, the mind doesn't exactly have the luxury to sit back and think, 'where should we send our untimely demise?'. So when a wizard says she can randomly teleport it to any location in the world, YOU TAKE HER UP ON THAT OFFER! It just so happens that my Luck stat is so godawful, the coronatite just happened to wind up at your front doorstep of all places."

Sena and the others observed the bell intensely as I laid it all out bare. Naturally, it didn't ring once. Even so, the prosecutor still had the gall to give me a weird look anyway.

"Your Luck stat can't possibly be that low for it to be the sole cause of all this."

"Wanna take a look at my Adventurer's Card and see for yourself?"

As their brains tried to process the information, I was able to shuffle my hands around undetected to grab said card from my pocket. I quietly used my Wind Breath skill to blow it over to Sena in a rather impressive move if I do say so myself. Although I probably should've just waited for someone to order the guards to confiscate it from me as soldiers immediately swarmed me with their weapons ready to skewer me. Hindsight being 20/20, I can see how that might've looked like a possible sneak attack on my captors.

"Thank you for the card, but that was reckless and stupid of you. Another unprompted action like that and we will have you sentenced to death regardless of the bell," Sena stated coldly and emotionlessly. Humans really could be more robotic than my own robots. "Now, about that Luck stat…"

The Royal Prosecutor looked over my card. Then her eyes widened, enough to nearly make her glasses fall right off the bridge of her nose.

"Wha- I…good lord, this stat truly is miserable! H-How have you not tripped up on your own shoelaces into a sword?!"

"Competency trumps luck," I answered simply.

DING!

"Oh, 'DING' yourself!"

Nobody paid any mind to my one-sided comedy routine with the annoying bell. Instead, Sena was now showing my card to the rest of the royal cast.

"Lady Dustiness, THIS is who you spend your time with?"

"Unbelievable. It's like his stat has a permanent debuff effect …"

"Eris must truly loathe this man…"

"Thanks! Comments are dully noted!" I growled at them despite the armored men with swords breathing down my neck. "Do you believe me now or shall I go walk under a ladder and get struck by lightning twice!?"

I sincerely hope I haven't jinxed myself and actually do get struck by lightning twice again.

"I-I suppose with all the evidence…"

Claire placed a hand on Sena's shoulder. "Hang on…is that a Lich skill I see listed on here?"

Craaaaaap.

"Um. Maybe?"

DING!

"Yeah, yeah. It is."

"And how did you come to learn such a skill, dare I ask?"

This…could be problematic. While I would love nothing more than to rat Wiz out for her ratting on me, her allegiance to the Devil King (superficial though it may be) might call into question my own stake in this war. But how do I get away with lying to a magic lie-detector? Hmmm…

"Well...it doesn't necessarily have to be a Lich I learned it from, right? If someone else already had the skill - say one Satou Kazuma from Axel - I could've learned it from them provided we were both still the generic 'Adventurer' class, yeah?"

I eyed the bell. No dings, thank fuck. I have skillfully deduced that hypotheticals were this thing's blind spot. Sorry, Green Bean, but I am evil. Somebody was going to have to take the fall. Gotta look out for #1.

Everyone murmured up a storm again as they all bought it: hook, line and sinker.

"That would definitely raise some concerns, yes. We may have to bring this individual in for questioning later," Sena said, mainly to herself as several servants were taking/passing notes and generally scurrying around like busy ants on a new lead. "Just two more questions left. We have taken notice of your rather unusual magical devices. Do you have any connections with the fallen kingdom formally known as Noise?"

"Uh, no? I've heard it mentioned before but I'm still clueless about it. Who names their advanced tech kingdom 'Noise' anyway?"

"That answers that then. Final question," Sena declared, making me grunt for not answering any of my questions. "What made you want to be an adventurer in the first place? Is it the desire to want to protect this nation from the Devil King's forces? Or is it more shallow, like desiring wealth and fame?"

Huh. Well, on the one hand, I'm glad she's making this last one easier on me with her wording. But on the other hand, way to blatantly out me for having to admit the latter like that, Sena.

"Um…y-yeah, uh, the wealth and fame part of the deal did sound pretty nice, I won't lie…"

"How typical!" I heard one of the nobles declare from his cushy seat in the specially designated bleachers. "But I suppose it's only natural that a commoner feels the need to overcompensate for not being born into the right family~!"

The other nobles nodded and mumbled various agreements. The adventurers with overpowered weapons and abilities could do little but sulk and grumble, lest they get themselves in trouble with their "superiors". They may not particularly care what happens to me either way, but I couldn't help but share in their annoyance.

Just bottle it up for later, Jack, you'll show them all one day…

"Princess Iris, may I be so bold as to add my own thoughts to the conversation?" Darkness suddenly asked the royal kid, still kneeling this entire time. Pretty sure she was doing it because it was making her knee hurt rather than because she felt she had to.

"Of course, Elder Sister, speak your mind. And you don't have to continue kneeling. You may stand if you'd like."

"Thank you, and that's alright, I'm fine like this," She thanked and declined in the same breath, carrying on before Iris could just tell her to stand up. "Firstly, my condolences to those who were hospitalized in the coronatite incident. It was a tragedy no matter how one looks at it, and I wish them a swift recovery. Secondly, I may have only known Jack Spicer for half a year now, but in my time being a member of his party, I've grown to respect him. Rude though he may be and crass as he is more often than not…I would trust him with my life in a heartbeat, as he would for me and the rest of his party. So I swear to you, under my oath as a Dustiness, that this man is not at fault for such this unfortunate accident."

Now it was the nobles' turn to grumble and stew in annoyance, only muttering loudly enough to make unflattering remarks about their fellow noble. She may have been sorta into that kind of treatment, but it still made me irrationally angry. I can't wait to knock all these lesser men down a peg in the future; show them that I don't forget when someone rags on my team.

Princess Iris cupped her chin as she let her "elder sister's" words sink in. After a moment, she whispered into Claire's ear again so that she could deliver the final verdict for her.

"The princess says, 'Given the results of the lie-detector and Lady Dustiness's own words, I find Jack Spicer not guilty of treason or conspiracy'!"

"YES!" I whooped.

"'He is, however, still guilty of fleeing from authorities and resisting arrest. Furthermore, despite the coronatite incident being definitively proven as an unfortunate accident, the burden of responsibility still has to be shared'."

"Aww man…"

Iris whispered more for Claire to repeat. "'Until further notice, Jack Spicer is hereby banned from setting foot in the capital. Should he be seen within the city's walls, he will be immediately detained with no trial. Any and all quest rewards you earn at any guilds will be automatically deducted to pay for the damages incurred in this incident, starting with Vanir's bounty. Since Spicer's party has already done this kingdom an invaluable service by slaying two generals of the Devil King's Army, this will be yet another way for them to give back to the community. If you have any questions regarding these conditions, voice them now'."

Oh, I had a few. But before I could even think to act upon them, Darkness, Aqua, and Megumin all gave me very strong, "you better fucking shut up" looks. I held my tongue.

"'If that is all, then this court is now adjourned,' says the princess," Claire parroted as the jury started to talk amongst themselves almost like students after the school bell dismisses everybody. "'The guards may now free you of your bindings and the mage that teleported you here shall teleport you back when you are ready'."

As the soldier boys finally undid the wires on the rest of us (seriously, those things were really starting to cut into my skin), Darkness came over to check up on Aqua and Megumin now that they weren't forced conjoined twins anymore.

I rubbed my wrists, before nodding to the princess. "Thanks. I'll be sure to send a stack of Kit-Kats your way for only giving me a slap on the wrist."

Claire, ever the stick in the mud, grabbed at her sword in a blind rage. "YOU DARE-?!"

"Claire."

Perhaps the loudest I'd heard the princess's voice get stopped the knight in her tracks. "As long as he follows through with his punishment, I will permit him speaking to me this way. Besides, I have been told this is typically the common cadence of most adventurers. So please stand down."

"Yeah! Serves you right, ya freakin'-OW! OWOWOWOW!" I screamed while being rapidly dragged away by the ear. Darkness gave her fellow nobles an errant wave before we disappeared into the distance, back to the teleport circles.

"Learn! To! Shut! Up!" She yelled when we were far enough away, shaking my collar for all the leather could take. "Why must you undermine your own chances at every turn!? We only just barely managed to get through that; my word can't save us twice you know!"

Megumin and Aqua, having caught up to the two of us mid pummeling, were also piling on. "I'll say. Kazuma's gonna be pissed off though," Said Megumin, stretching out her arms after being tied up, "Guess we need to make more candy then, riiighhhtt~"

"If we are, it's all going to the princess," Darkness stated firmly.

"Oh come on! ALL of it?!" She whined. "You trying to fatten her up to be your size, Darkness!?"

"KAH! Th-That's it! No candy for a week, young lady!"

With a smug shrug, Aqua tried to look above it all, "Ah, kids and their candy~ So young and naïve~ Hmm… say, I think we're out of bubbly back home. You think the teleporter will send us to a market if we ask?"

"You're going to get grounded too if you're not careful," warned the mother hen of the party.

"Wha-?! What did I do?! Seriously! I've been a good girl, Darkness!"

"Say that to my non-cute muscles…" She countered with a pout.

"Or my robots…" I added with a glare.

"You and every other pleb in Axel will rue the day you called the Great Megumin 'crazy'…"

When we got to the teleport circle (in spite of Aqua's crying), we noticed the mage and adventurers that had kidnapped us were not only here but seemingly waiting for us. They must've teleported themselves in after we fell into their trap back at Keele's Dungeon. The mage played around with her staff awkwardly before she noticed us approaching.

"Oh, hey! Listen, um…sorry about earlier, with the Wire Trap and all. Before the coronatite thing, there hadn't been any attacks on the capital for a while and suddenly the guild was putting up emergency quests for you and…well, m-money is money, right? No hard feelings…?"

"Eh, I get it. No skin off my nose," I said with a hand wave. "But what was that about attacks on the capital? Isn't this meant to be a safe place? I mean, why make a big fuss over my mess if you apparently get attacked on the regular?"

"Yup, definitely not from around here," commented one of the other adventurers. "The capital is, like, right on top of the border to the Devil King's territory. This is usually one of the first places to get hit whenever demon troops cross into Belzerg; that's why the walls are heavily reinforced. Your thing with the coronatite was different. It actually made it into the city, you see."

I closed my eyes, nodded as I took it all in…and let it all out.

"WHO PUTS THEIR CAPITAL RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO THEIR FUCKING ENEMIES!?"

I was about to go off on a well-earned rant, but a certain Crusader built like a brick shit house slapped me on the back of the head, leaving me preoccupied with a new welt.

"Please just send us back…" She said with a sigh that sounded close to a cry.

With a slow nod, the mage got the cipher circle ready and pointed her staff at us yet again.

"Teleport!"

As fast as it took one to blink, we were back at the entrance to Keele's Dungeon. The limo was still wrecked and the JackBots that were left behind were hovering in a pacing-like fashion before they registered our presence and swarmed us with worried beeps.

"Hey, hey, boys, boys! Daddy's alright, don't worry!" I reassured frantically as I shooed them away (I needed my space after being tied up for so long). "Is the treasure still secured?"

They opened their glove compartments to ease my primary concern at the moment.

"Good, I knew I could count on you…" I then gave Aqua a long, hard look. "Unlike some people."

"Hey, I still haven't forgotten about the one that almost shot me with a laser! Your bots have got a lot of making up to do before I change my opinion of them!"

"First undead racism, now android racism? This may be a villainous team but I draw the line at bigotry y'know."

"You never give that villain thing a rest, do you?" Megumin asked somewhat wearily.

"Not unless I feel like it. Now c'mon, we got a long walk ahead of us back home. We can use Keele's gold as a buffer to help pay back the debt, but we've got our work cut out for more quests. And I'd like to take a nap in my own bed first…"

"It's still morning."

The rest of the walk home was filled with the usual nonstop banter between my teammates and I. They certainly loved to annoy the hell out of me. But truthfully, it felt good to already get back into the routine, especially as confirmed friends this time around. Besides, having heated arguments over pointless topics really helps the time go by, as we were back at the front gates of Axel before we knew it.

Chapter Text

Megumin, Darkness, and I were rudely awakened by the distant sounds of Jack's loud-ass heavy metal music. It was bad enough having my beauty sleep interrupted, but the fact we were forced to share a ratty mattress on the floor of his lair wasn't helping.

Plus, that weird tingling feeling on the side of my neck was back, almost as if some demonic creep was leeching off of my holiness while I was asleep…but that was ridiculous! Probably just the work of another pesky mosquito.

When we finally made it back home to the mansion after the trial, all of our furniture was gone. According to Darkness, the government must've decided to inconvenience me further by seizing all of our assets to chip away at the debt we'd been slapped with for blowing up the capital.

This included pretty much everything that wasn't nailed down - including my secret stash of booze! I was gonna crack one of those bad boys open to at least celebrate not going to jail!

The only area of the house that wasn't ransacked by the Royal Guard was, of course, Jack's little man cave. He actually had a bright idea for once and locked the door to his lair behind a keypad and hidden wall (something about people constantly breaking into his old home, I dunno, I wasn't really listening). Since we no longer had comfy beds to sleep in, Jack offered to let us bunk down here until we could figure out a way to replace our repossessed furnishings.

I couldn't decide which I disliked more: sleeping in smelly stables with horses, or sleeping in noisy cellars with robots.

"Mhm, Jack…? Turn your music down!" I shouted groggily down the metal labyrinth. "Some of us actually have a sleep schedule to maintain, thank you!"

I threw the spare blanket I was provided over my head as I waited for my request to be fulfilled. The music didn't turn down any. Could that boy even hear me? Probably not. I wouldn't be surprised if he's got his ears glued to the damn speakers.

And those lyrics…blegh! My English wasn't as great compared to my Japanese or Chinese, but I knew it well enough to understand the vulgar words blaring out of that audible trash. Why couldn't he have chosen an anime OP to listen to or something?

"Mhm…it might be best for us to make other arrangements…" Darkness suggested, her demeanor subdued much like my own. "We're not going to get much rest as long as Jack's off doing...whatever that is."

"Hey…what'z 'at sound…?" Megumin slurred, her eyes still closed as she slowly sat up. "I dunno what language that is but…I kinda like it~"

"That's Crimson Demons for you I guess," I mused with a slight glare, less angry and more jealous that the younger girl could tolerate Jack's music. "C'mon, let's just go upstairs for a while. I'm sure Jack will tire himself out eventually."

Nodding, my friends and I dragged ourselves out of "bed" and trudged through the lab. As we tried to find the stairs leading back up to the first floor, we passed by some of Jack's robots milling about, doing whatever it is robots do.

I'll admit, it was still a little jarring seeing so much sci-fi crap in what was supposed to be a high-fantasy, JRPG world. The bots admittedly did make my life down here in the mortal realm a little bit easier, but still, talk about a clash of genres…

As we moved towards the exit, we finally passed Jack, busy fiddling away with whatever was lying atop his workbench. Probably one of the robots that got destroyed by that damn demon. One of the functioning bots was hovering beside him, its chest having been converted into a…boombox? Of course…

The little guy swiveled his head at us and. I swear to Me, it actually almost looked spooked for a second. It used one of its claw hands to finally dial back on the volume, making Jack stop what he was doing to face it.

"Dude, what the hell!? My favorite part was coming up!" He whined at the machine before it kindly pointed him in our direction. "Oh. Hi guys! Morning already?"

"...no, Jack. It is not morning," I replied tiredly, rubbing my eyes as the exhaustion was already wearing me down. "Your stupid music woke us all up."

"I actually don't mind it," Megumin admitted with a weak but satisfied smirk. "Whatever it is, it appeals to my Crimson Demon sensibilities."

"Don't encourage him!"

"Ah, I see you have an ear for Dope as well!" Jack said with a finger gun snap her way. "American Apathy has always been my favorite album of theirs; the themes of anarchy and hedonism really speak to me. I had a hunch you'd like it~"

"Yeah, yeah, that's great. I'm really glad you two had this wonderful bonding moment. Now could you PLEASE let us go back to sleep!? Goddesses still need beauty sleep to look their best, you know!"

"Huh? Oh, sorry," Jack mumbled dejectedly once he realized why we were all up so early. "Music just helps me stay productive. Forgot you have to sleep down here for a while. But don't worry, I know how to solve both our problems! Just gimme a sec here…"

Walking over to his computer desk, Jack retrieved a pair of headphones and an aux cord, plugging one end into the port on the headphones and the other into the boombox robot.

"There! Now I can jam while I work, and you ladies can sleep in peace. Everybody wins! Now if you'll excuse me, these JackBots aren't gonna fix themselves."

And just like that, he slipped the headphones on and went right back to repairs, headbanging in his own little world. Weirdo.

We stared at the robot in…anticipation I guess before it looked back at us.

"It's a living."

"That's...certainly a way to describe it," Darkness replied with a curious look, fascinated by yet another of Jack's creations. Guess I wasn't the only one who felt this was all still a little alien. "Anyway, I don't suppose we all still need to go upstairs now?"

I groaned, glancing back at the direction of the mattress before relenting (but not without a pout to show how tired and frustrated I still was). "We're already up, might as well…"

With that, the three of us continued on our path, heading upstairs and making our way into the kitchen. At the very least, I could whip myself up a late night snack while chatting with my closest mortal friends. That wasn't so bad.

"You girls want something to eat? We've got -" I stopped myself when I looked over and realized the magic fridge was still gone. "Oh…right."

…

I couldn't hold it in anymore as I collapsed to the floor, kicking and screaming in righteous frustration.

"AAARRRGGGHHH! Why did they have to confiscate every little thing in the house!? What difference does it make if they sell off our fridge to cover the debt!? It's still gonna take us forever to pay off!"

"Maybe so, but at this point every little bit of money helps," Darkness admitted with a sigh, shaking her head as she leaned against the far wall. "Still, it certainly has made living rather difficult for us now."

"No kidding," Megumin grumbled ruefully as she rested her chin atop one of the countertops. A few seconds, however, and she lifted her head up slightly to eye Darkness. "Actually, wait, you're a noblewoman. Can't you just ask your parents to borrow some money? Surely you guys are loaded enough to spot us!"

"Hey, that's right! With someone as influential as Darkness on our side, our debt to the kingdom is a thing of the past!" I realized as I hopped up off the ground and cheered. "Hooray for privilege!"

Darkness lost whatever cool, stoic look she was trying to go for as she waved her hands frantically. "W-W-WAIT, STOP, PLEASE! This is exactly why I kept my true identity hidden from you all! I don't like having to rely on my heritage when things get tough; it's embarrassing!"

"I thought you liked embarrassment though?" I asked innocently.

"Not when it's linked to my family. That's a personal matter," Darkness replied firmly, her eyes now downcast. "I know my…habits may seem strange, but I do have limits for them. Namely when it comes to my background as a noble."

"Don't forget about your cutesy real name, Lalatina!" I added helpfully.

"And your rock-hard muscles you're so self-conscious about," Megumin said with a sage nod.

"Urk! Y…Yes, those too…" Lalatina admitted with tears pricking the corners of her eyes. "A-Anyway, I simply can't help myself when it comes to anything else that may 'set me off'. I just have to learn to deal with my urges should they flare up. I'm sorry for being a hopeless freak…"

Megumin and I shared a glance at one another, slightly caught off guard with such a confession. However, we both seemed to pull ourselves together and we nodded accordingly. When we turned back to our Crusader friend, Megumin spoke first.

"Well, just so you know, we don't care if you're nobility. To us, you'll always be Darkness the Crusader! And as for your 'habits', well...I might not be a fan of 'em, but they're what make you unique, y'know? Everyone's special like that; it's what makes us human."

"Yeah, it's just like what I told Jack: it doesn't matter who or what you are, we're in this together!" I added vibrantly. "So what if you're a devotee to my overrated, bra-stuffing junior? And who cares if you like getting hurt or humiliated while protecting others? If there's one thing the Axis Order has over the Eris Order, it's that we don't judge what gets your rocks off!"

Even though Darkness looked at me strangely for some reason, she ultimately ended up chuckling to herself, shaking her head in mirth before offering us a quiet extension of gratitude. Looks like friendship triumphs once again!

"Thank you, friends. I may be able to secure enough funds from father to at least get us back on our feet. We may not be as well-off as most noble houses, but setting some extra grocery money off to the side shouldn't be too much to ask."

"Is money that much of a concern for your family?" Megumin asked with a raised brow. "My clan isn't too knowledgeable on nobles - since we don't care what goes on with them - but you seemed pretty close with the princess. Surely your household must have some amount of political pull?"

"My father and I come from a long and proud lineage of knights that have defended this nation since its founding. 'The Shield Bearers of Belzerg' as we are often nicknamed. Our political standing is the result of our ancestors' diligent work rather than our wealth. We're not on the verge of bankruptcy, but we have to be more mindful of our spending habits than other nobles."

Megumin crossed her arms and glared off to the side while grumbling, "Yeah, well, at least your family has the luxury of actually buying food on a regular basis. I bet that's how you even gained your Levels: eating high-end cuisines chock-full of XP."

Darkness kept starting and stopping her sentences as she tried to refute the claims. But ultimately she deflated in shame and defeat. Whether said emotions were turning her on or not was up to interpretation.

"Sorry…" Darkness apologized while rubbing her arm.

"For what? It is what it is, don't worry about it," Megumin said with a sigh. "But I guess that was a little harsh of me. I'm just pissed about 'high society' footing us with a massive bill again…"

"Don't worry, girls! In this party, your financial background doesn't matter!" I said to try and cheer everyone up again. "Rich, poor, or somewhere in between, we'll get out of this debt somehow! The one positive to Jack's machines is how they make daily life easier on us! We've got this in the bag~"

When I glanced back at Megumin, however, I noticed that the little girl actually looked somewhat troubled all of a sudden. Before I could ask her what was up, she put it into words.

"Speaking of Jack...is anyone else worried about him? Like seriously worried this time?"

Our eyes widened a little at her question, but we understood all the same.

"Uh…you mean aside from his lack of a consistent sleep schedule?" I joked lightly.

"Y-Yeah, more than that," Megumin replied, not really rising to meet my joke as the worried frown remained on her lips. "His evil shtick can be fun, I admit, but it's starting to cause problems. I'm not the only one who thinks that, right?"

"You're not, I do too," Darkness sighed wearily, her own face scrunching up into worry. "It didn't concern me nearly as much prior to the incident with the Destroyer. Like everyone else, I had assumed it was nothing more than a sadistically charming but otherwise harmless game he was playing with himself. I'd go along with it, get reprimanded in an 'evil' manner once or twice, and he'd eventually move on. But after what he told us back at the dungeon…"

"Yeah. Guess things feel a bit more real now, huh?" I agreed, recalling Jack's emotional meltdown back at the tomb. He may be a complete tool sometimes, but I did sorta like the guy. It wasn't particularly fun to see him in such a miserable state.

"Say, Aqua, you used to preside over his world, right?" Megumin raised her head to ask me. "How much of what he screamed back there was true? The neglect, the falling in with the wrong crowd...the beatings? Didn't you mention gods having files on the lives of all humans?"

I paused for a moment, considering the question. Unfortunately, this was one of those moments where I wished I hadn't skimmed over Jack's life story like it was a movie synopsis. I didn't think he'd lie to us about it, but that didn't mean I could prove it was all true either.

"We do, but…when his file mentioned he was the loner-type, I kinda glossed the rest from there. My motto back then was, 'you've seen one hikikomori, you've seen 'em all'. Starting to regret that now. Plus…I have this sinking feeling I got sent somebody else's file by mistake. Jack's been giving me so much conflicting information on his life that it has to be the case."

Seems we'd all finally stopped and taken a second to dwell on everything that's happened these past few days. It was kinda sobering, in a scary way, but I did recognize one good thing to come out of this talk: we all recognized there was a serious problem here.

"Our leader has suffered a great deal in his past, that much is obvious. If I could take all that suffering on his behalf, I'd do it in a heartbeat," Darkness stated firmly, a determined twinkle in her eyes despite the small blush that was forming from her M side. "I believe it is imperative that we give him the love and support he was deprived of back home. To show him that he does, in fact, have a place within our group."

Megumin and I nodded without missing a beat, already having agreed upon that by ourselves. Darkness then held out a finger to signal us to wait.

"That being said, however, if he truly is hell-bent on taking over the world…we cannot, in good conscience, allow that. Jack may be our friend but his delusions could turn into something dangerous if left unchecked."

"Yeah, if Jack's serious about his whole villain thing, we need to convince him otherwise. Even I recognize that's not healthy," Megumin chimed in. "I'm almost ashamed I didn't notice it sooner. As a Crimson Demon, I should know when theatrics go too far."

Darkness and I stared blankly at the little girl.

"Oi, what's with that look you're all giving me!? If you have something to say, say it!"

"Hey, that reminds me," I started, bluntly dodging Megumin's question. "Remember when Vanir claimed he would go on to kill adventurers, or when we asked him if he was really okay with letting people die back in the Destroyer? Didn't he seem unsettled when those topics were brought up? That must mean he's not a complete psychopath after all!"

Megumin paused before hesitantly agreeing, her enthusiasm slowly catching up. "I...uh, yeah, I-I guess you're right, Aqua! He isn't comfortable with the thought of killing people! That's already a huge step in the right direction!"

"Not only that, but there's the lie-detector too," Darkness added proudly. "Sena asked him if he was merely in it for fame and wealth, and when he answered yes, the bell didn't ring. Those two things may fall under the category of world domination, but they don't necessarily have to either! His want for recognition isn't a lie -"

"Which means he's not totally far gone!" Megumin finished excitedly. "Maybe there's something else he can do in life that will give a similar sense of satisfaction then; something that doesn't involve more tyranny. We just gotta help him realize that!"

"Nice thinking, Darkness! It's not usually like you to put two and two together like that."

"Where did this perception of me being a meathead come from…?"

"We just gotta focus on the positives. Sooner or later, we'll be able to steer him on the right track!" Megumin declared while pounding a fist into her hand. "We'll just have to be subtle about it. A direct approach won't get us anywhere when he'll just deny it till he's blue in the face."

It was reassuring to see the wave of optimism pass over all of us, knowing that we'd all do whatever we could to help out Jack in his time of need. We may have missed the early warning signs, sure, but from this point on we were gonna work together in his best interest! Slowly but surely, we were going to steer him off the path of evil!

I stuck my hand out in between Darkness and Megumin to encourage them to join in. "Right! From this point forward, let's all work together to help our friend! He's been patient with us, it's only fair that we return the favor. Who's with me?"

"I'm in!" Darkness replied, placing her hand over my own and offering a firm look of support. "I am more than happy to join you in helping our dear friend!"

"Crimson Demons never forsake their comrades!" Megumin declared triumphantly, slapping her hand down hard on top of Dark's, inadvertently making the crusader bite her lip from the pain/pleasure. "And Jack's been the only outsider who truly gets our culture. Plus, he appreciates my Explosions! No way I'm letting him go anytime soon."

I couldn't help but snort at the sentiment, even if I agreed with it. As strange as Jack was, he was also someone you could depend on when the cards are down. There wasn't anyone else I'd want by my side...okay, well, maybe one of my fellow gods. But that wasn't an option for me at the moment. So Jack will have to make do for now!

Speaking of which, we were pulled out of a group huddle by the sounds of footsteps fast approaching. We turned around in time to find Jack barging in through the doorway, tears threatening to spill from his eyes as he clutched his…absurdly red and swollen thumb.

"Uh…someone broke into my lab and…a-attacked me with one of my hammers, yeah..." He lied through his teeth before putting on a fake display of confidence. "They got my thumb - but don't worry! I still laid the smackdown on the intruder and sent them home crying! But, uh, I could still go for a medic?"

"Ugh...one healing spell, coming up," I groaned with an eyeroll, though I did smile internally. It was nice to be needed for a change. Even if it was over silly things like this.

It was a bad day to have run out of headache herbs.

As I kept up appearances with the demon soldiers that saluted me, I dread having to make my way to the war room. My beloved daughter had called for an emergency meeting with me and all available Demon Generals at the castle. This alone was cause for concern, but what really had me anxious was the thought of spending any more time than I’d like with my…”eccentric” subordinates. 

I’ll admit, it’s not easy getting unruly demons and undead to join a unified cause, even as a Devil King with a high Charisma stat. “Beggars can’t be choosers,” to borrow a common human saying. That said…I sure picked a strange bunch of weirdos to command my army, didn’t I? They’re certainly powerful, which is what ultimately matters, but I still wish I had the foresight to conduct personality checks before promoting them to Demon Generals. 

Beldia the Dullahan, whom I sent on a mission to investigate a strange light that appeared in Axel, is an unabashed sexual harasser. The pervert frequently gives me headaches by rolling his head under maidens’ skirts or hiding it in the women’s showers. He was at least wise enough to leave my daughter alone after she reported him peeping on her to me. No one messes with my little devil and gets away from it without bodily harm…

Vanir the All-Seeing Archdemon is arguably my strongest general, possibly even stronger than me. But he has such a laissez-faire attitude regarding his job, and would rather give me headaches by pranking my soldiers to feed off of their negative emotions. It also took an embarrassing amount of begging on my part to convince the Duke of Hell to even join my army at all. He naturally hasn’t let me live that down since.

Wiz the Lich was only a Demon General in name, maintaining my castle’s barrier from afar and little else. Like with Vanir, I had to swallow my pride and beg the woman to join after she single-handedly stormed my domain and defeated several generals just to force Beldia to lift a death curse he put on her friends. At least she was kind enough to accept on the condition that my troops didn’t attack noncombatants. Although her making off with heirlooms from my treasury to sell in her shop gave me such a headache…

Hans the Deadly Poison Slime, while patient for a being whose lifespan lasted longer than most humans, has a bad habit of raiding our stockpile of rations. I understand Slimes are essentially slaves to their own instinct to constantly consume, but he could’ve had the decency to at least ask first! And any food that does survive his hunger becomes too toxic for anyone else to eat! What a headache…

Sylvia the Growth Chimera took her duties well as the director of the Monster Enhancement Division. Perhaps a little too well even; she could never stop badgering me about absorbing anything at every given chance. There is certainly something to be said about excelling at what you're good at…but she gives me a headache by being so damn annoying about it. 

Serena is a Dark Priest, and the only human in my army (which also made her the weakest Demon General as a result). If her vindictive personality or worship of the Dark God of Revenge wasn’t enough to give you a headache, it would be her constant begging for donations in the castle grounds. I get times are tough when you’re the only living member of your patron deity, but still, nobody likes having others' religion shoved down their throats. We’re not like the Axis cult.

The only two tolerable Demon Generals were my wonderful daughter, Homare, and a living Dark God, Wolbach. I naturally put the former in charge of the others while the latter was simply sensible enough to not give me any headaches. I’m honestly still impressed with myself for recruiting an exiled god like Wolbach to my cause! Though she always has this sense of longing in her eyes, like she isn’t fully complete in some way. I only wish her the best in whatever it is she’s looking for in this wretched world. 

As I took my time walking down the last hall that led to the war room, my mind also wandered to the Demon General Candidates: soldiers strong enough to have a chance at becoming Demon Generals should something happen to one of the main eight. 

They…weren’t much better either, to be honest. 

Daniel the Troll Lord was an unreliable minion more interested in human dancers than actually doing his job. Vanir is rather spontaneous himself, but he is still a Duke of Hell. I’d essentially be putting in charge a less powerful and more distractible version of him. Not that it matters since I fired that slacker a while ago along with his advisor, Charlie (he goes where Daniel goes). 

Duke the Fallen Angel is far too obsessed with stealing Wiz’s spot to be worth consideration. The Lich may not be an active member of my army, but she is powerful and willing to at least maintain the barrier. Duke can be jealous of her all he likes as far as I care. 

Perrier is an immensely strong devil, but her low Intelligence stat and inability to grasp complicated orders holds her back from a promotion. I almost feel sorry for the poor thing as it’s obvious she’s trying her best. I’m thinking of maybe putting her on my daughter’s personal team simply as extra muscle. 

The only promising Demon General Candidate on the list is Rouzelli, an Elder Dragon. She really only enlisted because it was the most convenient option for her since losing her nest long ago. Dragons (especially older ones intelligent enough to speak) are only willing to listen to those they deem stronger than them. So my daughter and I still have to work on her some more.

“Your Majesty?”

“Hmm?”

Oh, shoot. I was so deep in thought, I failed to register the fact I had already made it to the doors leading into the war room. Mammon, the Goatfolk in charge of the Royal Guard, was the one who spoke as he and his platoon stared at me, awaiting orders. 

I cleared my throat, putting on my regal voice to cover up the awkwardness. “Forgive me, I was simply going over today’s debriefing in my head.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, my Lord,” Mammon said with a respectful nod of his goat head. “But if I may ask…how is that possible when your generals are still waiting for you to begin said debriefing?”

…fuck.

“You ask too many questions, Mammon. It would be wise of you not to pry into other people’s business, least of all your king’s…” I warned with a demonic growl fit for unholy royalty. When in doubt, intimidate those that dare to undermine you, even if it was unintentional on their part.

“Y-Yes, o-of course! Please, forgive me, Master!” Mammon nearly cried while prostrating himself before me along with his men.

“I am willing to overlook this transgression, seeing as how your past loyalty speaks for itself. Rise,” I commanded with a near bored tone as the beastly creature and his underlings straightened themselves back up. “Now, do not allow anyone else in the war room once I set foot in it. You may let yourself in only if it is an absolute emergency that requires my immediate attention.”

“Yes, your Majesty,” Mammon said with a salute before opening the doors for me. Truth be told, he might not make for a bad Demon General in the future. And he hasn’t given me any headaches like the others. I may consider him for a candidate whenever I have the time.

I put on my usual kingly passive face and silently stepped into the war room. It wasn’t as grand as the throne room, primarily housing a circular meeting table and a large map of the known world displayed on the far back wall. But it was secure, being located deep in the sublevels in the middle of my castle, directly below my throne room in fact. Plus, the dim lighting from the torches created its own sinister ambiance, partially hiding my Demon Generals in the shadows. 

With how quiet but patient they were waiting for me to be seated, it almost makes you forget they can be quite the peanut gallery.

I calmly made my way over to the head seat of the table. The Power Boost skill passed down through generations of my tribe temporarily gave everyone a tremendous boost to their stats. The range has sadly been limited to allies within my immediate presence since transferring most of my skills over to my daughter when she inevitably takes the throne. Still, it is a coveted ability all the same, able to turn even a goblin into a Demon General in their own right. 

“Thank you all for coming on such short notice,” Homare said, professional as always even with her daddy dearest in the room. “Before we begin, does anyone know what the current status is with Beldia or Vanir? I would like to have all my peers present if possible.”

“Uh…to be honest, we thought you or your pops would know,” Hans admitted while forgoing the formalities. We’ve long since excused it as part of his nature as a Slime. “Haven’t heard a peep from either in a while now. I’ve come to expect that from Mask-Face, but Beldia’s usually on top of his weekly reports.”

“Perhaps the pig finally angered the wrong female adventurer and silenced him for good…” Sylvia suggested with an unamused grumble. 

Hans raised a brow courtesy of his human form. “You sure you’re not still mad he was too scared to peep on your, and I quote, ‘freakshow of a bod’? His words, not mine.” 

“Your lack of tact is going to be the end of you one day, Hans,” Sylvia warned with a snarl before quietly resigning herself back to her seat. “But yes, I am still sore about that, obviously…”

“I understand Beldia is not exactly our most favored peer. I too have had to put the lecher in his place on more than one occasion,” Wolbach addressed calmly. “But regardless of our personal feelings towards him, he is still a fellow general, and him going silent on us for months is concerning.”

“Indeed, and if our sources are accurate, then we may be in possession of physical evidence of what befell him,” Homare stated firmly yet grimly before nodding to the Dark Priest beside her. “Show them.”

Serena held a small burlap sack and carefully pulled something out that visibly made her anxious despite her best efforts. It…vaguely resembled a head, and appeared to be made up entirely of a metal alloy of some kind.

With a smack courtesy of Serena, the head partially sprang to life (if you could even call it that). The odd, colorful strings dangling beneath what would be its neck sparked with tiny electrical magic. Its blood-red "eyes" flickered as it attempted to speak in a distorted, monotone voice.

"E-E-E-Error: emotion chip still not found. P-P-P-Please turn this mindless drone into a real booooyyyy…"

"...okay, what the fuck?" Hans blurted, staring at the head with wide eyes while leaning back ever so slightly in his seat. "How did...why does it...the hell am I lookin’ at here!?"

"According to our human spy, the creator of this thing calls it a 'bot'," Homare explained while Serena dropped the accursed head onto the table, clearly upset with even holding it. "The closest thing he could compare it to was a metallic golem construct. However, whatever makes this thing tick is not magical in nature, at least not any type of magic I'm familiar with."

"Perhaps I could attempt to assist in that department?" Wolbach asked calmly, maintaining her composure better than Hans or Sylvia. 

“By all means,” Homare said while gesturing to the dismembered contraption. 

Wolbach nodded diligently, leaning over the table and holding out her hand as a light-red glow accompanied the motion. After a few seconds, her calculated expression morphed into a confused scowl as her eyebrows furrowed and she tilted her head in annoyance.

"This can't be right…" she muttered to herself in confusion.

"Nothing about this thing is right," Serena huffed impatiently. "Now what's the real verdict?"

"While I can detect faint traces of magical origination on the materials making up this...thing, I haven't a clue on how it's all been assembled," Wolbach admitted, retracting her hand and leaning back with a disturbed frown. "What did you say this was exactly? I've never seen or felt anything like it before."

"Its inventor refers to it and others like it as a bot," Homare answered pointedly. "As for the young man behind its creation, he goes by Jack Spicer: a self-proclaimed genius currently residing in Axel Town. The freelancer Serena and I hired to infiltrate the town reported that he had a hand in defending his home from the Mobile Fortress Destroyer itself. He used flying bots, of which the head was a part of, to weaken its defenses while he operated a, quote, '50 foot tall metal statue of himself'."

The room became deadly quiet after that.

This…was not good. Could this be a sign of that prophecy Vanir cryptically teased me about while I was getting hammered that one night? No, no, no - this cannot be happening! It’s my destiny to be vanquished by the Hero, only for my lovely daughter to take my place and start the war against humanity anew! Total subjugation and/or annihilation of both sides isn’t in the script!

“Father?”

“Eh!?”

Oh, great, my paranoia got the better of me and now I look like a fool in front of my awaiting generals. I’m getting far too old for this Devil King business…

“Sylvia was asking when was the last time you’ve heard from Vanir. You told me you tasked him with checking in on Beldia after he stopped giving updates, yes?”

I sighed tiredly, but still kept up the regal voice. “That would be correct. I had sensed a holy disturbance descending from Axel a while back and sent Beldia to occupy a nearby castle to gather intel. Last update I received from him consisted mainly of angry rants involving 'crazy little wizard girls' blowing up his territory. When weeks dragged on to months, I sent Vanir to check up on him, against my better judgment. Either the Archdemon blew us off again…or whatever happened to Beldia happened to him too.”

More unnerving silence fell upon the war room. It was no secret Vanir could more than likely beat us all in a fight. If he wasn’t so interested in pranking us for his own amusement and nourishment, he could’ve taken my throne a long time ago. So the mere prospect of him being bested at all…

And yet…I could feel the mana of the castle’s barrier wane ever so. It wasn’t anywhere near to falling - as long as one Demon General lives, it would still take nothing short of a BOMBARDMENT of Explosion spells to break it. But it did represent a grave omen of things to come…

“What else have you learned about Jack Spicer?” I asked my daughter. “If he really is the one responsible for the creation of these so-called 'bots', then we should know what we're going up against. What did the third party have to say about him?”

"Truthfully, the intel wasn't as all-encompassing as I was hoping. He has a mixed reputation with the people of Axel due to him being noted as an eccentric with a smart mouth. We also have his appearance down: red hair, eyes like a Crimson Demon, unhealthy pale skin - likely an albino. But outside of that, we don't have much else to work off of."

I exhaled heavily through my nose as I ran a hand through my aging, gray hair. Before saying anything else, I stood up from my seat and faced my back to my subjects as I studied the world map on the wall in front of us. 

“Alright. I didn't want to bring this up with you all seeing as how it came from Vanir of all demons. However, given these concerning developments and disturbing coincidences…I believe it's prudent I let you all in on a little prophecy he shared with me and my daughter.”

I sighed somberly before reciting what had to be the world’s worst nursery rhyme.

"In a land of wingless dragons, a child walks.

Knows not his legacy for all that he talks.

Seeks world conquest, but halted time and time again.

Seeks to control ours with armies of metal men.

Passion was his downfall, but also his strength.

Influence capable of spreading to many a great length.

Whether you are man, king, god or devil…

Beware the forgotten Dragon of Metal."

I dared myself to glance back at my Demon Generals. Most were too stunned to make a comment. But within that suffocating sea of tension, there was the unanimous understanding that we may have just stepped into an entirely new war altogether. One that we were woefully unprepared for. 

"So…what are we to do?" Sylvia hesitantly asked first. "Should this Spicer child truly be prophesied to bring us all to ruin, how do we stop him? I-I mean, assuming this is the same force that took out Beldia and Vanir - !"

Homare cut the increasingly panicky Chimera off. "Perhaps there is another avenue, one that represents the path of least resistance…Recruitment."

…

I love my daughter to pieces, but even I wasn’t sold.

"You can’t be serious! After all that cryptic rhyming shit, you really think it's a good idea to recruit this maniac!?" Hans sputtered in disbelief. "No – no way in hell! That’s a terrible idea!"

"STILL YOUR TONGUE, SLIME!" Homare snapped, her golden eyes turning into literal hell flames as she put her lower-ranking peer in his place. "Wait until I am finished to voice your opinion. Then, if you have a better idea in mind, feel free to share it. Otherwise, sit down, shut up and allow me to propose a possible solution to our problem. Understood?"

Hans shrank back into his seat and acted in compliance after that.

"Thank you," Homare sighed. "Now, as I was about to say, the absurdity of my own proposition is not lost on me. I have equal amounts of worry and uncertainty like the rest of you. However, this otherworldly interloper is still young, malleable…impressionable. If we gather more intelligence on him, we could exploit his insecurities and recruit him to our side. With his powers, not only could we finally end this miserable war, but we could learn to harness it for ourselves…or at least contain it.”

"That's certainly an option to keep in mind, Devil Princess, but it's a big IF," Wolbach commented, obviously not keen over the idea of working with an agent of Armageddon. "There’s a lot that could go wrong with a gamble like that. But I agree that more intelligence should be gathered on this young man. We should learn more before we do anything rash."

"Of course, just trying to lay out some options," Homare nodded before turning to me. "But Father has the final say as usual. What are your orders?"

By the Devil Realm, why do I always get stuck with the hardest decisions…?

"For now, I believe the best course of action is passive observation. We need to know as much as we can on Spicer before making a proper assessment. That said, we mustn't let Belzerg know something far greater has us spooked. We are still at war with them and that cannot be ignored."

Hans sighed, "Great, as if waging war with a kingdom of barbarians wasn't bad enough, now we got ourselves a doomsday child to deal with. I guess that means we still have our usual duties to attend to?"

"Until such a move is made that I feel it is necessary to disengage, yes, your duties are still the same," I confirmed with a short nod. "We will continue the fight as long as we must. As for you, Wolbach, I'd like you to take the head of this 'bot' to your study for further testing. See if you can learn more about the magic you detected from the materials used in its construction. Perhaps that will be a clue to better understanding our foe. Dismissed."

With that, Hans and Sylvia stood up to walk out, Wolbach lagging behind after carefully (and perhaps apprehensively) cradling the bot's head in her cloak. Serena and Homare began to file out as well.

"Daughter, if you may stay behind for a moment?”

Homare stopped herself just before she went out the door. She nodded to Serena, who left without a world of protest. As soon as she shut the door behind her, I moved closer beside me, comfortable doing so now that it was just between family. 

“Yes, Father?”

I finally allowed myself a great big sigh and let my upper body fall face-first onto the table. “Am I a good Devil King, sweetie pumpkin…?” I weakly asked despite the wood muffling my words. 

“I…think you're doing the best you can, given the circumstances,” Homare answered awkwardly yet honestly as she gently patted my back. 

“All I wanted was to get back at those Crimson Demons for peeping on you with their magic telescope,” I admitted for the umpteenth time. “And those Axis cultists for the nasty rumors they started about me. But then it all snowballed and just…I'm in way over my head…”

“I imagine every ruler is in over their head to some degree. Some are just better at hiding it than others,” Homare suggested kindly before allowing herself to smirk. “You’re one of the better ones, by the way. Six-hundred-ninety-nine years old and still pulling off the demonic ruler role~”

I chuckled softly in spite of myself. “I suppose your old man hasn’t lost his touch. But you’ll make for a better demonic ruler someday.”

Whatever small amount of levity Homare allowed herself to have disappeared when I said. “Ugh, Father, please, not this again. Not while we have a literal doomsday prophecy to contend with.”

“A Hero is destined to slay the Devil King and bring peace to the world before another one inevitably rises to take his place,” I reiterated calmly yet firmly, going into father mode for this. “That is simply how it must be.”

“Oh yeah, says who? The humans that want our kind dead? Some fairy tale meant to put children to sleep? Nothing about willingly letting yourself be a pawn to a never-ending cycle makes any sense! We are masters of our own destiny! When we come out on top of this war and Metal Dragon prophecy, I will break the cycle.”

“Young lady, don’t be absurd!”

“...really? I’m the one being absurd here?”

I sighed in frustration as I rubbed my aching temples. Even my own daughter wasn’t immune to giving me headaches, primarily whenever we have this discussion…along with half-demon puberty. 

“It just pains me to see you so ready to die, Dad…” Homare admitted sorrowfully with her head hung low. “Is this because our ancestor was a Hero once? Do you just have familial guilt or something? Is that why you also expect me to be slain one day too!?”

Ah, yes, my great ancestor. The ex-Hero from the mystical world known only as “Japan”. A human who slew the Devil King of his time, then fancied himself the throne. Intermingled with the demons that would eventually form my tribe centuries after his passing. Was I just saying I had to be defeated by a Hero because it was my destiny? Hell, was I even ready to die?

“I…I…”

Homare stared at me, waiting for me to finish.

I rested my head back into my arms.

“Could you please let Logia know to pick up more headache herbs? 

I’m such a coward…

“Very well, ‘Your Majesty’,” Homare said in a disappointedly sarcastic manner, lazily bowing before trudging out of the war room.

In my pocket, I clung onto the special handkerchief my daughter crafted for me when she was so little.

I called out to her, “I love you.”

She stopped at the threshold of the door.

“I love you too, Dad.”

Then she stepped out. Leaving me all alone in an empty room.

I think I was developing a migraine…

Chapter Text

"Alright! That's every JackBot rebuilt and accounted for!"

Another all-nighter spent repairing my pride and joys.

It was awkward as hell using Drain Touch on one of my official new friends while she slept in my lair. But MAN, it made getting Sigma Squad and Bob's BuilderBot crew back online SO much easier. Not having to sneak upstairs and tiptoe into your main power source's room every five minutes really saves on time.

Only thing that sucks about the current sleeping arrangement was that I couldn't have my music blaring while I work. Apparently, that was "too much" for an otherwise heavy sleeper like Aqua.

"Great, you must be really proud of all your hard work," Aqua grumbled nearby. "Now can we go sell Keele's stuff and get something to eat!? I'm starving and I don't have the energy to use your snack printer!"

With Megumin and Darkness nodding in mutual agreement, I relented. "Yeah, I could go for something that isn't chocolate for a change. Just lemme grab the booty and we'll be on our way!"

Darkness suddenly gasped, "Jack! Y-You fiendish pervert! I won't let you touch Aqua or Megumin's rear ends! Not while I'm here and ripe for the g-g-g-groping!"

"One, you've got some nerve calling me a pervert. Two, if that's how you're gonna react to me calling treasure 'booty', then I won't call it that anymore."

"...oh. Very, uh, well, then..."

"Don't sound disappointed."

Grabbing the loot sack on our way out, we left to go eat and do some shopping. It wasn't long before we were in the thicket of town. We were making surprisingly good time given how sluggish everyone else was. 

"Jack…" Megumin called out in between yawns. "How are you this bright-eyed and bushy-tailed? You were up all night last night; you can't possibly be this ready to take on the day."

"Honestly, I don't know why I got a pep in my step!" I chirped without turning to look back or stopping said pep-step. "I think fixing my babies is just the sure-fire way to put me in a good-bad mood! Either that or it's the caffeine coursing through my veins."

"My guess is that it's the latter," Darkness replied after a short yawn, stretching as she did so. "Anyway, where were you thinking of trading in our acquired goods?"

Now that was enough to stop the pep in my step.

I slowly glanced back at the girls. Then down at the bag of goodies in my hand. Then all around the general area while doing my best to not look like I didn't have a conclusive answer to Darkness's question.

"Jack…"

"Ah...right. Figured I was forgetting something," I admitted with a chuckle before tapping my chin in thought. "Well, uh, there's plenty of different shops to choose from. Push comes to shove, I'm sure the guild hall has some kind of bank or trade system."

"Y'know, for someone with a high Intelligence stat, you sure are clueless sometimes," Aqua commented with a smirk and crossed arms.

"Am not!" I rebutted, stomping my foot for emphasis. "It's this town's fault for having a confusing layout! Makes me feel like a lab rat trying to navigate a maze. Except there's no cheese to find at the end…"

"Yeah, well there's cheese this time: enough eris to keep us from starving!" Aqua huffed in annoyance. Seems she was more testy when tired. "Look, there's probably a pawn shop or something around here we can go to. Once we find it, we're set. So move those feet already!"

"'mOvE tHoSe FeEt AlReAdY,' meh-meh-meh..." I grumbled to myself.

"Wanna run that by me again?" Aqua threatened as she cracked her knuckles primed for a God Blow attack.

"N-Nothing, goddess whom I value and respect!"

"That's more like it~"

We looked around town for a bit until we scouted a thrift store we could cash in at. And cash in we did, baby! Keele's shit turned in quite a pretty penny! A little over 2,240,000 eris to be exact. Maybe the goddess this money was named after decided to throw me a bone after all the crap she indirectly put me through? I dunno, luck is a fickle thing, more so than magic. Science at least keeps things measured and consistent.

After storing our eris in my HeliBot's emergency extend-o arm safe, the girls and I went to the nearest café for breakfast. A little indulgent, but it wasn't gonna put too much of a strain on our latest payout. As we ate, we began to devise a plan.

"Okay, so, I know what I said before about avoiding difficult quests out of our league," I started. "But the sooner the government steals enough of our reward money to pay for the damages, the sooner we can have disposable income again. We do a couple Expert-level quests, we're done in like a week. Besides, we've taken out two Demon Generals and came out of each encounter no worse for wear. We can probably handle it by now."

"Given our track record, I can't say I'm terribly confident in our performance..." Darkness commented uncharacteristically. Weird, she was the last person I would expect to be hesitant on a risky proposition. "I will always be happy to take the blows you cannot, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a touch nervous."

"Why? You can tank two of Megumin's Explosions like they're nothing. You're basically invincible."

"J-Just because I can doesn't mean I want to, Jack!" Darkness insisted, or rather blatantly lied given the fierce blush on her face. "Furthermore, I cannot protect all three of you from everything at once. If I try in vain to stretch myself thin on the battlefield, I'm no good to anyone."

Well shoot. When the masochist's right, she's right. But still…

"Alright, look, let old Jack tell you all something," I began, leaning back in my seat while my finger twirled my fork on the surface of the table. "I used to get myself into all kinds of scrapes back home, most of which were way above my skill ceiling. I've had to lick my wounds so many times, I'd often think to myself, 'why do I bother?'. But if you wanna be Numero Uno, you gotta learn to pick yourself up and get back out there. Some days I win, a lot of others I don't. But unless I try, I won't get anything done…"

"Huh...y'know, that actually bordered on being somewhat inspirational," Megumin remarked with a bright smile before slamming her fist down. "I will gladly take on more challenging quests! As much as I enjoy obliterating helpless vermin with Explosion Magic, obliterating the really dangerous monsters is where it's at!"

I smirked proudly at my little demolition expert. I knew I could count on her to understand where I was coming from. One can't take over the world if one doesn't go out into said world. That's just common sense.

"I'm down too! Aside from the fact I singlehandedly took out Vanir, I know I can handle tougher fights," Aqua chimed in with equal enthusiasm, and just a touch of mischief. "Plus, who can say no to making more cash~?"

Just like that, it was three against one. We all turned expectantly at the one party member who was unexpectedly reluctant about diving headfirst into danger. 

"I'd ask what your vote is, Dark, but I'm afraid it'd be irrelevant," I said with a teasing smirk. "Majority rules again. Welcome to democracy~"

Crossing her legs, the Crusader only barely managed to contain her excitement over being casually disregarded. 

"We have got to stop egging her on like that," Megumin muttered.

"Yeah, don't know why I did that..." I admitted before mouthing "I don't know her" to the people looking at us funny thanks to Dark causing a scene.

"Well, now that that's settled, what should we do after breakfast?" Aqua asked, blissfully ignorant as always. "I say we splurge on fancy, goddess-sized beds. Ain't no way I'm sleeping on a gross-ass mattress in a mad scientist's cellar another night!"

The weird stares I was receiving quickly turned harsh and judgmental. If these girls didn't behave soon, they were going to give everyone the wrong evil impression of me!  

"We'll definitely get beds, relax! Just please stop making me look bad in a different way!" I cried desperately to my oblivious partner.

"Awesome!' She cheered. "Can we also get more bubbly while we're -"

"No, you'll make us poor."

"First time?" M-Bomb added cheekily.

"Hey! I have self-control, thank you!" The water goddess retorted with a pout. "Whatever, Kazuma can spot me at the bar anyway."

"Oh? I wasn't aware you two were drinking buddies," Dark said with a small smirk.

"We've had a few rounds here and there. The guy may be a pervy NEET, but he's pretty fun when he's drunk!"

"Aren't you worried he might...take advantage of you while you're loaded?" Megumin asked cautiously. "I still don't really trust him with Yunyun when he's sober."

"Relax, I know his type: shut-in, hikikomori virgin too scared to ever make the first move. But speaking of Yunyun, I have her watch over us just in case. Kazuma may be too chicken to put the moves on me, but I'm not risking losing my divinity over a drunken one-night stand. Gods and goddess lose their powers when they engage in sexual activities."

"Didn't stop Zeus and the other Greek gods..." I mumbled.

"You got something you wanna say, Ghoul Boy?"

I raised my hands up. "Sorry, was just getting uncomfortable with all this...'girl talk' for lack of a better term."

"Well, slightly off topic: what are you gonna do when Kazuma gets released from interrogation and kicks your ass?" Megumin questioned. 

"For what?"

"...for telling the court he taught you a Lich skill? Did you seriously forget about throwing him to the wolves last night!?"

"What I wouldn't give to make that idiom my own reality..." Dark dreamily sighed while looking out the window like a fucking anime character. 

"Oh, that?" I scoffed. "I'd love to see him try. He's crafty, sure, but he's no Xiaolin Monk. My JackBots can take him on with one claw tied behind their backs. I'm not worried about him trying anything."

The girls all took a moment to look at each other. On their faces was that familiar expression of concern, making me shift in my seat. I didn't like that look. It usually meant one of those talks was coming. I thought we were done with them already.

"I know Kazuma can be kind of an ass sometimes but...don't you think falsely accusing him was a bit too far?" Megumin asked me out of the blue. "I mean, he did come to your defense when Sena tried to arrest you."

"Yeah, then he and all those other posers at the guild kept their mouths shut after she threatened to lock 'em up too," I countered with a shrug, idly playing with the crumbs from my toast (how did these people make this without toasters?). "I understand that had more to do with a corrupt systematic institution, and I probably would've kept quiet too. Still, you three defended me anyway, jailtime be damned. I don't see Green Bean doing much to earn my respect."

"Kazuma was crucial in helping us slay Beldia," Darkness challenged with a straight face. 

"I'd argue you and your rock-solid body did most of the work," I clapped back, albeit sincerely. That was more than enough to make Lalatina.exe stop working and need a reboot.

"Not to play devil's advocate - because gods don't like having to use that expression - but he did kinda spot us when we were still newbie adventurers," Aqua said while Darkness was figuring out whether to be horny-embarrassed or regular-embarrassed.

I imitated the sound of a buzzer. "Wrong! It was Yunyun that covered us. All Kazuma did was nudge her in our direction since she was too shy to do it herself."

"That's my self-proclaimed rival alright," Megumin huffed. "Forever doomed to be friendless by her own bashfulness stemming from a lack of friends. A self-fulfilling prophecy..."

"You could just admit to her that you're her friend -"

"Nah." 

...

"Whatever," I relented with a shrug. "The point I'm trying to make is that I don't care what Kazuma thinks of me. Something about him just sets me off a little on the inside, and it's been like that since we first met. I don't like him, he obviously doesn't like me, all I did was get the drop on him first. Besides, just think of the evil street cred I'll get for this! They'll be cursing my name for sure when word gets out!"

"But…why do you like having bad things said about you, Jack?" Megumin grilled. Were these girls my non-existent shrinks or what?

"That's why you're the evil apprentice in this relationship, M-Bomb," I teased her with a playful eye roll. "When people talk shit and call me a big jerk, it means I'm doing a bad job. Which for bad guys is considered a good job. The reverse meaning can get a little confusing sometimes, but it's Evil 101, guys. Keep up."

"Right...'Evil 101'," Darkness repeated slowly and with uncertainty. Not surprising, she was likely taught Good 101 in Crusader School. "Say, Jack? Have you ever considered, oh, I don't know, 'tempering' your evil every now and again? You know, as in taking a moment of respite?"

"Uh, YEAH!" Megumin suddenly blurted. "I'm sure even the Devil King needs moments to unwind and decompress after a long day of waging war on us! Everyone needs a break, even from their own hobbies. I'm obviously the exception since I need to cast Explosion everyday else I die -"

"I still doubt that," I deadpanned. 

"But everyone else needs time away from their craft to prevent burnout, y'know? Being evil must be like a fulltime job for you. And even if you love your job, you still need days off from it." 

I blinked at her before responding. "Well, uh, I mean…yeah, I do take breaks from trying to conquer the world. Evil geniuses can only chug on for so long without a vacation. And since there might still be reps from the capital hanging around…I might as well take some time off from evil. For now."

"It's a start. So, the main plan for the moment is to start taking on the tougher jobs, got it," Darkness said with a nod. "It would be wise then to gather the essentials, like some health potions and possibly some new gear."

"That could work," I agreed as we finished paying for the food (without leaving a tip of course). "Anybody know a decent magic shop to hit up for mana potions? Can never get enough of those."

"Uh, Wiz's shop. Where else?" Megumin asked sarcastically. 

"I said decent magic shop, M-Bomb. Hers doesn't count."

"As delightfully savage as you are being right now, someone needs to be the voice of reason here," Darkness managed to get out despite her arousal. She sure was making strides. "Don't tell me you also have it out for Wiz too. She only told the authorities what she knew and -"

"It's not about who got the lighter slap on the wrist!" I snapped, cutting the Crusader off and accidently making her squee. "Wiz ratted me out when it was her stupid idea to teleport the core to begin with! Bet you she realized how much trouble she would be in if she took the fall and decided to drag me down with her. She stabbed me in the back, even after we spared her in that graveyard. She's no better than Wuya or Chase Young."

"Chase who?" Megumin asked.

"Oh, right, you don't know Chase Young. He's my ex-evil hero…and former crush I ranted about in the dungeon. Y'know, the guy who tried to feed me to a dinosaur? He's another of those douchebag immortals I've dealt with."

"Right, right..." Megumin said with a nod, possibly empathizing with me for a moment...before going back to glaring. "Regardless, you don't know that Wiz acted out of spite! She was probably just scared about what would happen if she lied, something you nearly got in trouble for! You really gonna shame her for that?"

"If it means throwing Jack under the bus instead? Yes, I will shame her greatly!"

"Why can't I be shamed instead!?" Darkness interjected with a fist slam to the table. So much for being that self-proclaimed voice of reason.

I ignored the hopeless masochist and turned to our resident Wiz hater. "Aqua, back me up here! You never even liked Wiz to begin with. Could you please remind these two why she sucks again? But, uh, feel free to leave out the racist reasons this time..."

Aqua shifted in her seat a little, unexpected uncertainty crossing her face as she laced her hands together. Oh no, don't tell me the spoiled goddess is having a change of heart NOW of all times!?

"Listen, godly beings and undead...we don't get along. I still have my reservations, and under most circumstances I'd stick to them. But undead or not, Wiz didn't backstab you, Jack. Besides, she probably still took partial blame, yeah? So it's likely her business will take a hit if that's any compensation."

I gawked at Aqua and the others in utter dismay. Once again, none of them had my back…even though I was making perfect sense!

After a moment or two of irritated sputters, I sighed and threw my hands up, giving into peer pressure. "You know what? Fine! We'll go to Wiz's stupid shop already! But only because I don't feel like looking for a better magic store right now. There, are you happy? Are you satisfied? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"

"Jack, I don't think either of them are gonna get that reference," Aqua remarked with a small, knowing smile before nodding at me. "But yeah, we're happy enough with that. Right, girls?"

Darkness and Megumin nodded, seemingly unfazed by my sour mood, which was slowly fading away as I stared incredulously at the water goddess before me.

"Huh...you've seen Gladiator?  I always thought of you more as a closet weeb."

Aqua got defensive, "Hey! I am nothing like Kazuma! Besides, I'm allowed to like other things besides anime. A goddess co-worker showed me Alien one time and...I dunno, it was kinda cool, I guess. A little scary though."

"You've seen Alien too!? That's one of my all-time favorites next to Terminator and Star Wars!" I suddenly geeked out. I never knew this side of Aqua! "Oh, we are SO coming back to this later, girlfriend! In case the CameraBots didn't give it away, I'm kind of a movie buff."

"Y'know, I never really considered that before. Kinda obvious in hindsight, really. But yeah, we should totally swap favorites in the future!"

As I nodded ecstatically, I forgot we still had company. Yup, they looked so incredibly lost right now.

"Don't worry, I'll download some flicks from home and we can all have ourselves a movie night. Just be prepared for me and Aqua to make witty commentary throughout it all."

"Well, I suppose I should just be happy you two found something to bond over," Darkness replied with a light chuckle. "Although these 'movies' do sound intriguing. I wouldn't mind seeing what they're like someday."

As we left the non-Succubus café and headed towards Wiz's shop, I happily explained how movies always had something for everyone. Darkness predictably got horny over the idea of violent films, and when Megumin asked if there were any with Explosion Magic, I had to explain how most explosions on Earth were man-made in nature.

This...surprisingly upset her. Apparently, the thought of "artificial Explosion Magic" insulted the little mage, probably because she knew it would essentially put her out of the job (not that she'd admit that). She even forbade me from making any explosives for my robots. I had to bargain with her just to even let me continue calling her M-Bomb!

Wonder how she'll feel about the Death Star when I show her A New Hope. Maybe the sheer coolness factor and fictitious aspect will be enough for her to let it slide. I sure hope so, pardon the pun. 

Crimson Demon tantrums aside, we found ourselves at the front of my least favorite Lich's shop. 

"Alright, let's get this over with," I said simply as I let myself in.

Little did I realize that by stepping foot inside the building, I would come face-to-face someone that drained all the color out of me. Literally, just like in the cartoons when a character gets scared. 

"Welcome, valued customer! Although it appears you've spilled your color all over the floor. Would you kindly get that, please? Moi just finished mopping."

I hyperventilated, barely aware that all the colors from my clothes and body inexplicably absorbed themselves back into me. I pressed a button on my wrist communicator. Four JackBots swiftly crashed through the windows, chest plasma rifles out and sawblades whirring.

"THE WINDOWS! Spicer! You're making a mess!" Vanir shouted in annoyance. "Will you stop that already!? Moi is not here for a fight, you blithering fool!"

"What are YOU doing here!?" I bravely demanded behind my wall of equally tense and battle-ready friends. "We killed you! We have your mask above our fireplace! I TAPED IT BACK TOGETHER FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

"You did what!? That's practically desecrating my corpse! What is wrong with-!?"

Vanir stopped himself mid-yell as he put a gloved hand up to his forehead and looked down to the floor, tapping his foot rapidly to calm down. He exhaled deeply through his nose before starting back up again.

"Since you apparently have the attention span of a goldfish, allow moi to remind you once more: I cannot die. At least not in the way you humans understand. My real body resides in Hell; the one you see before you is merely an avatar made from the minerals of this world. Thus, I 'live on', so to speak."

Though still stricken with fear, I did notice something slightly different about the masked psycho this time around. Aside from the silly pink apron he was wearing over his suit, the black and white sides of his mask have been switched. And there was also a Roman numeral II engraved on the forehead. So I guess that made this Vanir…Vanir "2.0".

"Oh…I knew that," I lied.

"Moi doesn't doubt you for a second," Vanir the Second said with a blank look. 

"W-Well, anyway, you switched off my bots without their consent, and that's practically harassment! So consider your 'desecrated corpse' payback, sicko!"

"Yes, yes, a thousand apologies to the flimsy 'bots' I decided to leave intact unlike the others," He replied with a disinterested hand wave. "Though, in my defense, you did order them to attack me after I warned you of my strength earlier."

"Oh, SOR-RY for having a sense of self-preservation! I should've realized you had such a calming aura to you…like my dentist."

"Oh, your sarcasm~! It wounds me so~!" Vanir scoffed with dramatic flair before going back to his unamused glare. "Now, if you are quite finished, this is still a place of business. Moi recommends you either purchase something or kindly show yourselves to the door. We're not running a library here."

"I-I apologize immensely on Vanir's behalf, everyone!" 

A familiar and unappreciated voice rang out as I saw Wiz rushing out of the backrooms, dusting herself off as she spoke. "Sorry, my friend can get a little…J-Jack! Lady Aqua, Megumin, Darkness! It's you!"

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Little Miss Tattletale herself," I insulted. There was just too much going on all at once, I had to get some of it out. "Say, did you know your 'friend' tried to kill me and my party? You immortals sure know how to pick your own company, huh?"

"W-Wait, what?" Wiz sputtered in confusion, furthering irritating me (and inadvertently giving Vanir a negative emotion to snack on). "Jack, if this is about the teleportation spell, I swear it was never my intention to betray you! When the Royal Prosecutor came in with soldiers from the capital, I panicked! It's not like I could just lie about what happened!"

"Uh-huh, sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night," I stated bluntly before turning my attention back to Mask Man. "By the way, how come you're not hunting me down right now? Not that I'm complaining..."

Vanir smirked and held a finger up in the air like a professor about to give a passionate lecture. "Simple! Moi has had some time to reflect on our last encounter. After your pitiful attempt to take me out, I have ascertained that you are currently a non-threat. If you truly are the dangerous being I originally suspected, I shall take the required precautions. Until then, you and moi are 'square', as you humans like to say. So let bygones be bygones, AHAHAHA!"

"…you diviners are all whack…"

"Insightful as always," Vanir chuckled before looking over to the girls. "You three have been unusually quiet. What's the matter? Devil got your tongue~?"

"No, but your stench was so nauseating, I didn't wanna risk throwing up by opening my mouth," Aqua retorted hotly. "Also, try any funny business with Jack again and I'll finish what I started back at Keele's. Got it?"

"I am never going to live that one down, am I?" Vanir sighed with a grimace and another wave of the hand. "Yes, yes, moi hears you, obnoxious blue thing. Settle down."

With Aqua and the others allowing themselves to loosen up, I made the executive decision to relax a little myself. Live and let live with the sore loser, might as well.

After ordering the JackBots to go into standby mode outside the shop, I lazily glanced back at Wiz. "You still sell regular, non-defective mana potions, don't you? They're the only decent things to come out of this shop and I need a resupply."

"Y-Yes! We still carry regular mana potions!" Wiz answered quickly, her voice noticeable strained, as though she were holding back tears. That...didn't exactly supply me with the evil warm fuzzies I was expecting. "There are some in the back, I'll go retrieve them for you!"

As the Lich pulled herself away into the backroom, I was left at the mercy of my team giving me some major stink/evil eyes.

"I'm stressed, okay!?" I defended hastily, gesturing at the smirking Vanir. "This one-off joke villain comes back from the dead and nearly gives me a heart attack! Cut me some slack!"

Darkness crossed her arms, leveling a glare at me that actually made me feel just the tiniest bit guilty. "Do better. We expect an apology from you when Wiz gets back."

Not wanting to sabotage my first and only friendship with these girls, I hung my head and nodded. It was unbecoming of this world's future supreme Devil King to have to comply with the good guys (even if said good guys were technically my friends). But, then again, I've also done substantially more embarrassing things back in my Shen Gong Wu hunting days. So I could live with it.

Still, I have got to turn these ladies over to the dark side soon. My friends could be serious party-poopers sometimes.

Wiz returned from the backroom, carrying a small box of potions and placing them on the counter, her head bowed the whole time. Grumbling quietly, I approached the counter and tried my best to come up with something reminiscent of an apology.

"…'m sorry…" I mumbled, refusing to look Wiz in the eye.

"Wha? Huh?" Wiz sniffled in response, raising her head enough for me to confirm she was indeed crying. I shifted uncomfortably as I worked my jaw and repeated myself with more certainty.

"I'm…ssssoooorrrryyyy…" I said again, though through clenched teeth. Not only was it hard to apologize to someone who I felt didn't deserve it, but I was also confused on why seeing Wiz cry didn't make me feel bad in the way that I like. I wanted to say it had something to do with her naturally cute face. That was my working theory.

"O-Oh...you don't need to apologize for anything, Jack," Wiz responded after a few seconds. "I apologize for what you and your friends had to go through. It was never my intention to see you all in trouble…"

"Yeah…" I breathed out, not realizing I was holding my breath. I lazily jabbed my thumb over at Vanir behind me and said, "How about you keep your friend on a tight leash and we'll call it even?"

"That seems more than fair," Wiz replied, quickly drying her eyes and slapping on a halfhearted smile. "Now then, will one box suffice or do you need more?"

"Just the one," I stated robotically (I know, ha-ha) while retrieving some eris from my HeliBot's personal safe. "We're on a budget right now."

"Understood. I hope they serve you well!" Wiz replied easily, seemingly already falling back into routine as she took the money and forked over the small box of potions. "Best of luck with whatever you and your party have planned!"

I nodded numbly, mostly thankful that my business here was done. Before my team and I stepped out of the shop, I glanced back at Vanir. I then looked down to the shattered glass from the window and smirked evilly.

"Have fun cleaning my mess there, '2.0'. You're more cut out to be a janitor than a supervillain anyway~"

Vanir didn't respond verbally, but I did see a glint of red flash in his eyes. I let out an involuntary squeak before rushing outside. Lame villain or no, he did still have a laser-face.

Back outside, I pocketed a few potions from the box and ordered the JackBots to take the rest off of Dark's hands. As I watched them carry the goods away without any problems, I sighed.

"I'm glad that's over - OW! Megumin, what was that for!?"

"For being a total shit stain!" Megumin growled after punching me in the arm. "All you had to do was apologize to Wiz, yet you made it sound like you were being tortured! It's not hard to own up to your mistakes and say, 'I'm sorry'."

"Oh, excuse me, I don't believe we've met before. Allow me to introduce myself," I back-sassed with a phony smile as I pretended we were strangers. "I'm Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius. And you are…?"

"Asshole!"

"I know you are but what am I!"

"Komekko has better insults than you!"

"Is that a dig at me or your sister?"

"What do you think, 'Evil Teen Genius'!?"

"BREAK IT UP, both of you!" Aqua shouted. "Can we just go the guild and get started on questing already!? Maybe beating some monsters will help us all blow off some steam."

I sighed and disengaged from what was going to be another brawl with the twerp. "Okay, okay, you made your point. There should still plenty of untaken winter-monster kill quests. Also, Dark, if you 'forget' to mention any more shoguns, I'm gonna be annoyed. You don't want to see me cry again, do you?"

"I learned my lesson last time, Jack," Darkness huffed while crossing her arms, clueing me in that she was entering serious mode. "Though you may hold reservations about my habits, I would never purposefully put another in harm's way! Such actions would be dishonorable..."

"Uh-huh, and we all know you'd absolutely HATE the thought of being dishonored, o' pure and innocent Crusader~" I teased with a smirk. I may or may not have awkward feelings for her, but getting her riled up on purpose would never get old!

I wasn't the only one who thought that too. Aqua read the room for once and jumped in on the teasing, although she struggled to really come up with good material (probably because she was actually conscious about it). Smugumin had an easier time though, so it was good. Just glad to know we had a lightning rod to turn to whenever we were at each other's throats.

This would be extremely weird if it was with anybody else. But you just have to know Darkness like we do. She's cool with it.

"JUST KILL ME INSTEAD, PLEASE!"

At least I think she's cool with it.

Anywho, after a few rounds of semi-consensual Darkness bullying, we eventually made it to the Adventurer's Guild. With nothing else to lose, we opened the doors...

And every adventurer and waitress stopped everything to look at us. 

I guess this is the part where I come up with something snappy or snarky to say; the perfect entrance for a stellar villain such as myself~

However, before I could think of any cool one-liners, the guild hall suddenly erupted with a grand hoopla! Kinda startled me a little to be honest. 

Luna along with some other staff members soon approached us like they had something important to say.

"Good to see you four back so soon! Seeing as how justice has been dispensed, I wanted to inform you that the guild has elected to make a special offer regarding your current financial situation."

Boy, news sure spreads fast around here without the internet.

"You mean you guys are paying for our debt yourselves!?" I asked with stars in my eyes.

"Ah, no. Not even close," Luna replied in deadpan. "The adventurers have simply agreed to chip in and pay for your meals for the foreseeable future. Since all your quest rewards will be automatically deducted by the state, we figured it was the least we could do. As for any loot you find during quests, well...feel free to keep it for your troubles."

"What an exceedingly generous offer!" Darkness chimed in. "If I may ask, how did they reach such an agreement?"

Luna poked her index fingers together and answered sheepishly. "I-I suppose you could say we all felt a little guilty for playing bystanders after Sena mentioned jailtime for 'associating' with alleged terrorists. Consider it a collective apology, Lady Lalatina."

Darkness instantly froze. Seems her fears of Sena looking into her background were founded after all. Either that or role in my trial also made the rounds back to Axel. 

"Oof. Cat's out of the bag now," Megumin commented as she patted the stiff noble's back. "Sorry, Dark. Like I said, we promise not to treat you any differently."

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that!" Luna reassured. "I can assure you that most of the guild members here will treat you exactly the same as before. When the truth was revealed, they insisted it didn't matter who you were as you would always be a, and I quote, 'kickass crusader'. Apparently, you made a good impression."

Just like that, Dark went from embarrassed for real to…I guess even more embarrassed for real. This woman was a living enigma...

"Y'know, I'm technically a noble where I'm from," I added, stretching the truth a little to squeeze out every bit of support I can get. "That's gotta count for special privileges, right?"

"That's on you to discuss with your fellow adventurers. I'm just the messenger," Luna replied simply, offering my party and I one final smile and wave. "Well, I'll leave you all to it! Glad to have you back!"

Once Luna and the other staff members dispersed, the guild hall went back to its usual noisy self.

"Hey, if everyone here is going to pay for our meals, doesn't that go for our drinks as well?" Aqua asked us, a sly smile stretching out across her face. "To the bar, gang!"

"Naturally, you drunkard," I huffed with a knowing smile, expecting no less from the goddess. "Lead the way, it's practically your second home."

"Correct as always, Doctor Science! Follow your expert bubbly connoisseur, if you'd please~"

Well, so far things were going great! Seems like my luck might actually be turning around for a change!

"Yo, Jack!"

Never mind, that sounded like Tomato Boy.

Reluctantly, I looked over in the direction of his voice. Sure enough, Dust was a table away from us along with his party.

Luckily, the girls were more than happy to take the lead, waving to Dust and his company and making their way over to the table they were settled around. I loosely followed, electing to stay quiet unless directly addressed again. If the incident at Wiz's shop was any indication, peace was the name of the game for now.

"Nice to see you guys still alive and not behind bars," Dust's partner, Keith, said smoothly while sipping a cup of ale. "Heard about the royal pardon, and how you even went out of your way to kill another demon general just to prove your point. Pretty. Fucking. Badass."

"Heck yeah it was! We kicked that sorry demon's ass!" Megumin replied proudly with a puffed up chest. 

"It's true, Vanir was a total pushover!" Aqua cheered, popping off a quick Nature's Beauty in the process. "Then again, he was up against an amazingly stunning Archpriest. It was to be expected~"

I was content with nodding quietly in the background, one of the rare times where I didn't want to draw attention to myself. But, because the universe hated me, it suddenly became Opposite Day as Dust outed me again. Although something was strange about him this time. He seemed almost...relaxed? Like he's not annoyed with my mere presence?

"Gotta say, Jack, you sure know how to bring on the surprises. On top of the Demon General stuff, we probably wouldn't have been able to handle the Destroyer without you backing us up! Guess what I'm trying to say is...despite how things started between us, I appreciate what you did. A lotta people do."

I blinked. "Wait...does you mean you don't have it out for me anymore? Actually, why did you ever have it out for me?"

Dust awkwardly scratched his cheek before providing a definitive answer. "Eh, you and your 'goddess' partner kinda messed up a big investment for me involving tomatoes that were out of season. Remember that flood you guys conjured to wash away Beldia? Yeah, well, let's just say that was a ton of vegetables and millions of eris gone down the drain for me. But, to be fair, I might've held onto it a bit longer than necessary."

"You're lucky, he usually holds onto grudges for way longer," Rin said to me with a sly wink. 

"At any rate, I'm a big enough man to turn over a new leaf with you. So...we cool?"

"Wait – that's why you were crying about tomatoes back then!?" I shouted incredulously. "Dude, I just thought you were having a stroke or something! Wow..."

"...why would I be crying if I was having a stroke? Wait, do strokes make people cry…?" 

"And this is why you don't have the Intelligence stat to be a cleric," Keith snickered.

"Fuck off," Dust cursed nonchalantly before turning back to me, albeit a little more annoyed. "Anyway, we cool or what, man? It's unbecoming of Axel's Protector to have to apologize to greenhorns."

"Uh...yeah, sure, we cool. But I still get to call you Tomato Boy! You gotta admit, the name kinda suits you, what with the red jacket and contact lenses."

Dust's eyebrows shot up, and for half a second I thought I'd managed to piss him off all over again. That was until he suddenly got up, pulled me like six feet away from the others, and frantically whispered in my ear.

"How the hell did you know they were contacts!? Shit, does anyone else know!?"

"Know what?" I asked back, confused as hell. "Dude, I have to wear contacts because my eyes are fucked, so I know a pair when I see 'em. Besides, the only people who have natural red eyes besides Crimson Demons are albinos like me, and comparing the two of us? Yeah, you don't have what I have. Now what's the big deal?"

"Nothing, man, it's nothing!" Dust sputter-whispered my way, deepening my confusion further. He was obviously dodging the question, so whatever it was must've been a juicy secret he was hiding. "Honestly, I never really gave your eyes a second thought. Probably should have thought the whole contacts thing through, now that I'm dwelling on it…"

"Eh, red's a badass color anyway, so I think it works," I stated casually with a smirk and a thumbs up. "If there's one boon to having a genetic disorder, it's that it makes me look rad as hell! Now if only the kids at school saw it that way instead of making fun of me...man, why do kids gotta be more evil than me?"

"Hell if I know, man. Kids are vicious like that," Dust replied with a casual shrug, and I was struck in that moment that somehow, he wasn't being utterly irritating at the moment. Was I in the process of making...another friend? And not someone who would just say they're my friend only to use me like a tool? Well, crazier things have happened before, so who's to say, really?

But before I could dwell on it any longer, the doors to the guild slammed open.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" 

Oh shit, Kazuma.

The seething Japanese stormed right into the dining area even as his partner was slowing him down by trying to hold down his legs.

"Kazuma, please don't be hasty!" Yunyun cried while being dragged across the floor. "It's not worth it! Let's just go take a relaxing walk in the park! It's a really nice day out!"

The reincarnated Earth man ignored her. Everyone watched as he made his way over to me specifically. Despite my earlier reservations, I knew the dangers of underestimating someone like him. I made a deliberate show of hovering my hand over my wrist device to call for robo-backup, and this seemed to be enough to get Kazuma from immediately pouncing on me. He stopped about a table away as he barred his teeth at me like a pissed off animal.

"What's up?" I said plainly. That made his eye twitch.

"'What's up'? WHAT'S UP!? You know damn well what's up you fucking bastard! I stick my neck out for you and repay me by nearly getting me arrested!?"

Suspicious murmurs I didn't like the sound of filled the room. I didn't think the consequences of my actions would come back to haunt me so soon.

"I got hauled away by the police and spent all of last night in an interrogation room because somebody tried to implicate me for 'suspicious activity'! Only good thing to come out of it was watching Sena's cold, hard exterior melt away into a hot, embarrassed mess when her magic bell proved my innocence! Even got her to serve me tea as an apology for putting me through all that!"

...

"Sounds like you had a good time."

Kazuma lunged at me. Or rather he tried to as he forgot Yunyun was holding him down by the legs, prompting him to fall flat on his face. Even so, it was enough for Luna to shout over on the other side of the room, two security guards shuffling out of the booth behind her.

"No fighting in the Adventurer's Guild! If you have a disagreement, take it outside! This is still a place of business." 

Getting back up, Kazuma dusted himself off before leveling me with an admittedly dangerous glare. "Pray that I don't catch you outside by yourself, because I won't hold back. It's on sight, bitch."

"Not when I've got killer robots on standby!" I challenged, already getting sick of his self-righteous attitude. "But I'll admit, you've got guts, especially with the insinuation that you stuck your neck out for me. You had your chance to keep defending me but stayed silent when Sena made that threat! And we all know you would've snitched on your fellow adventurer when it was your ass testifying!"

"No, no, NO! Do NOT give me any of that victim blaming bullshit! I may not be the greatest guy around, but I'm not a heartless moron - not like you! I wouldn't make false allegations in court just to get out of telling the truth! For your sake, you better hope they decide to drop the Drain Touch case altogether."

"The princess slapped me with a country-sized debt, I think they've made me suffer enough!"

"EAT SHIT AND DIE!"

Yunyun had long since let go of Kazuma's legs as he stomped out of the guild with her in tow, flipping me the bird right before slamming the doors shut. 

All the adventurers and staff turned their gazes to me once the steaming Green Bean left. I was not digging the looks they were shooting my way. And the stuff they were muttering...let's just say I might've made them reconsider spotting me for lunch.

"If they don't offer me free drinks because of you...!" Aqua quietly threatened before trailing off as she tried to distract everyone with her party tricks. Megumin and Darkness did nothing but shake their heads at me before walking off to do something that probably didn't need me involved in it.

Great, just great. Only one day in and already I made my new friends mad. And it wasn't even my fault! Kazuma would've done the same thing if he were in my shoes! I don't care what he says, I've dealt with enough scumbags to know a scumbag. He absolutely would sell me out to save his own skin. 

...

He never said he explicitly told Sena I framed him when he was interrogated, did he?

...

Doesn't matter. Bad guys don't feel guilt for putting worse guys in their place...do they?

Chapter Text

Peeking over a rocky ledge, my Evil Posse and I spied on a white rabbit with a unicorn horn staring at nothing in particular as it sat still. 

So this was the so-called "Lovely Rabbit" I've heard about. Also known by their less subtle name, "Dire Bunnies", these little guys were apparently considered dangerous monsters by most folk. Enough for the guild to put out kill-quests for them with a generous sum of reward money. Hence our arrival here. 

"Gonna be honest, when I first saw this bounty on the quest board, I was a little skeptical," I mused quietly to my teammates. "Either this mission is the worst joke in the world, or we're about to get our throats torn out. Monty Python hasn't steered me wrong yet."

"As someone who's seen that film, I can unfortunately confirm the latter," said Aqua, my newfound movie buddy. "Lovely Rabbits look cute, but they're notorious for their bloodthirsty nature. They use the horns on their heads to impale people and would-be predators. By the way, is it too late to back out of this quest?"

"And get suspended from the guild? Hell no! We're taking high-paying quests like these to clear the debt faster. We can't afford a week of twiddling our thumbs!"

A word to the wise I picked up from Dust was that it wasn't good practice to forfeit quests. Outright failing them was one thing, sometimes shit just happens, but chickening out was frowned upon in the adventuring community. Guilds will typically put you on a one-week suspension for essentially wasting their time. The more often you couldn't commit to quests, the longer the suspensions, culminating in getting blacklisted from the establishment. You were still allowed to operate in other guilds, but good luck with all the bad press. 

Megumin chuckled proudly and menacingly. "Puny mammals are nothing to the might of the Crimson Demon's foremost prodigy. Jack, allow me to show this pitiful creature true oblivion with my Explosion Magic!"

"Was already planning on it, M-Bomb," I said with a smirk. But I made sure to clarify, "Just do it silently though. Don't want to alert -"

"I REFUSE!"

With fast reflexes that impressed me in retrospect, I tackled the loud idiot to the ground while covering her mouth, Aqua and Darkness were already crouched behind the ledge, so I didn't worry about them being spotted. My Enemy Detection radar didn't show the Lovely Rabbit having moved, and when I peeked behind the ledge to confirm, it was still in the same spot. Although now it was moving its head around to find the source of the noise. 

"Phew. That was a clo- AH!"

I quickly covered my own mouth with my free hand when the little punk bit the one I used to shut her pie hole. She shoved me off as soon as I removed it, going off on me in a hushed tone as I tended to the bite marks. 

"Don't ever touch me like that again. I don't know how you were raised, but that is not how you treat a lady! I can understand doing that to Aqua and Darkness, but I will not be subject to that kind of harassment!"

Crap, now Aqua was on the verge of crying and Dark was barely holding back an orgasmic howl. These girls were going to be the reason I die to a fluffy bunny! 

"You: throw a tantrum and I won't pick up some bubbly later," I said to Aqua, prompting her to get her act together. "You: moan and I'll tell more people about your real name," I said to Lalatina, causing her to gasp in fear. "And you: I'm sorry, but you were being too loud! Which is exactly why I don't want you chanting for this one! Didn't you say you can cast Explosion without all the grand speeches?"

"Yes, but Crimson Demons are all about being loud and verbose with their spells," Megumin explained with an unamused stare. "It's kind of our thing, you should've known that by now. Don't like it? Deal with it."

Great, it was the Manticore/Griffin kill-quest all over again...

I ran my non-bitten hand down my face and held back an irritated groan. "Look, I understand the simple joy of hamming it up to your enemies, I really do. But unless you'd like to have your insides become your outsides, omit the chant this one time. Your spell doesn't even need a power boost: it's a single, small target."

"Bribe me with some more sweets and I'll do it."

I growled, "Fine. Now get your Explosion ready and let's get out of here."

As Megumin raised her staff over the ledge, Aqua roughly pulled me away to whisper-yell in my ear. "Jack, what have you done!? Don't you remember the last time we let Megumin have too much candy!?"

"Relax, I haven't forgotten," I whispered right back. "That's why I plan on synthesizing some sugar-free candy. Since she has no frame of reference, she should hardly notice the difference."

"You're going to trick a kid into eating sugar-free candy? You really are evil..."

"I do my best~"

"Explosion."

While the delivery of Megumin's signature catchphrase was unbelievably flat, the following blast more than made up for it. A strong current of fiery mana shot down from the sky, making the entire area shake violently and nearly throwing us off our feet. Once the dust settled (literally) and Megumin fell to the ground on schedule, we surveyed the blast zone.

No Lovely Rabbit in sight. Just a large, charred crater in its place. I glanced down at the immobilized girl before me and beamed.

"Nicely done, my evil apprentice! Looks like I owe you a Twix."

"Don't forget the Kit-Kats," Megumin added as she lifted her head up off the ground. She sighed, "Man...it's just not the same without the chant. What's the point in unleashing the most powerful attack spell in the world if you can't brag about it dramatically...?"

I gave an understanding nod. "I know, I know. It does lose a little of the pizzazz, doesn't it? But at least it got the job done!"

As if Eris herself was waiting for the perfect moment to mess with me, a distant rumbling caught my attention. Enemy Detection was pinging me like crazy, I peer over the ledge...

A hoard of white blurs come rushing out of an ashy burrow that was exposed after the Explosion. We'd just found the den. 

"Oh fuckbunnies..." I murmured fearfully. "ACTUAL FUCKBUNNIES"

"Fear not, my friends! I shall draw their attention!" Darkness cheered as she drew her sword. "I shall make quick work of these foul creatures!"

The Crusader with a one-track mind slid down the slope we were hiding above and activated her Decoy skill. Y'know, the skill that makes it so nearby enemies gang up on the user? Yeah, that one.

Two seconds later, all the angry Dire Bunnies swarmed the woman. Their ravenous…uh, "bunny sounds" thankfully drowned out most of her erotic cries as she wildly swung her blade and failed to land even a single hit.

Why, Darkness? Just... why?

"Okay, there's only so much that knucklehead can do on her own. Aqua, let's -" I stopped myself when I turned to find no water goddess beside. "Where'd she go?"

A familiar, ear-bleeding shriek clued me in on Aqua's whereabouts not a second later. I turned around and spotted her running away from a sizable swarm of undead monsters. She must've woken them up from their dirt naps from the woods nearby…again.

"Oh for crying out loud…" I cupped my hands and yelled out to her, "TURN OFF YOUR DIVINE AURA! IT'S DRAWING UNWANTED GUESTS!"

"THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! NOW STOP YELLING AND HALPPPPP!" Aqua bawled as she continued to run from the shambling creatures of darkness (not to be confused with the person currently getting the snot kicked out of her by bunny rabbits). I sighed and tapped away at my wrist communicator, dispatching four JackBots to help the demigod. Maybe that'll teach her to be more grateful to them. 

I was just about to call for backup myself when I realized something: I really should be focusing on getting more experience points. Letting my JackBots kill all my enemies for me resulted in wasted XP, just like Megumin theorized. All that time spent post-Destroyer? Yeah, I have little to show for it in terms of stat increases or level-ups. I was still at Level 14 while the rest of my team were in the 20s. I'd never meet the Level requirement to switch over to the Battlesmith class at the rate I was going.

I glanced back down at my Crusader friend, still on cloud nine and still missing her targets. At least she'd be making the grinding experience easier for me.

"Alright, I'm going down there myself," I huffed while drawing my short sword. "Megumin, hold the fort while I'm gone."

"Kay..." Megumin grumbled, obviously not in any position to refuse.

I slid down the slope, gripping my blade and swallowing thickly. Evil or not, I didn't feel fantastic killing a small horde of fluffy bunnies, even murderous and bloodthirsty ones. But it had to be done, and I wasn't going to earn XP any other way. Well, there was always eating monster food, but the indigestion wouldn't be worth it. 

I grimaced as I stabbed the last rabbit gnawing on Darkness, making a conscious effort not to look down at the pile of dead, no-longer white animals. To distract myself from the rising bile in the back of my throat, I glared at the woman before me. Despite having been scratched to hell and back, she didn't look worse for wear.

"You couldn't hit the ocean with the world's biggest beach ball if your life depended on it…"

Predictably, she flinched at my insult and hugged herself in shameful ecstasy. "So deliciously cruel~!"

"I'm not being delicious, I'm being honest!" I snapped, too annoyed to get flustered over her usual mannerisms. "I know you have bad aim, but they were practically all over you, Darkness! Were you even trying to hit them!? Or did you get too 'caught up in the moment'?"

"I-I'm sorry, Jack! Truly, I am! But I'm afraid it's simply out of my hands," Darkness replied, still flushed and avoiding looking me in the eye as she awkwardly handed me her Adventurer Card. "Here. I trust you can glean a proper answer from this..."

Slightly confused, I took the card from her hand. I was the only one of the group who never got to look at Dark's stats and skills when she first joined. Aqua and Megumin seemed impressed upon first glance, so I took their word for it at the time. Clearly a mistake on my part given the perv's track record for hitting stuff with a sword. But if the answer to her piss-poor aim was somewhere on this card, I was going to take a good, long, hard look at it.

...I've been hanging around this nymphomaniac for too long. 

As expected, most of her base stats were above average, save for Physical and Magical Defense which were on par with my Intelligence stat. Her list of skills included Decoy for attracting enemies, Passive Health Regen for long-term endurance on the battlefield, and skill point increases to multiple defense oriented abilities. None of this really surprised me.

But as I kept scrolling through her card like a real-word video game menu, I noticed something. Or rather, I noticed a certain lack of something. Something that was crucial for her to achieve anything outside of standing around looking pretty.

"Dark? Where are your attack skills?"

The older woman hid her hands behind her back and shyly glanced down, like a child pretending to be innocent.

"Darkness?"

She had become unresponsive. 

"Lalatina!"

"Don't call me by that name!" she shouted in annoyance.

"Where. Are. Your. Attack. Skills."

Forced to acknowledge me, the noblewoman was cornered and forced to provide an answer. "W-Well, ah, y-you see, there is a perfectly l-logical reason for that. As a noble, I have...an obligation to protect this kingdom's people by maintaining the law. As a Crusader, this further extends to physically protecting those that cannot protect themselves from harm. So naturally, I invest my skill points into my defensive stats and abilities to achieve this sacred duty."

She fumbled a little at the beginning, but Darkness managed to compose herself as she explained the reason behind her gross negligence. Either she genuinely believed her own words, or she was covering for her perverted ulterior motives. It might've been both honestly.   

"Okay…but why skip out on your only method of attack? Wouldn't reliably fending off enemies make your job of protecting people a little goddamn easier? Like, I'm a bad guy and don't care what you good guys do, but that's kind of a no-brainer!"

"A-Ah. Well...as I stated previously, I was under the impression that the best way to defend was with an overwhelming defense. As such, I improved those stats exclusively, so..."

Darkness repeated herself like a freaking wind-up toy, though she did sound less confident in her answer. I crossed my arms and sized her up, ready to add my two cents. 

"You know what I think, Dark? I think we both know the real reason you deliberately avoid taking an offensive skill," I started calmly. "Now try and follow along with me here: you're a masochist, right? Don't deny it because it's a rhetorical question."

Darkness flushed yet again, but for once didn't respond with a torrent of hasty retorts. Instead, she managed a weak, compliant nod, crossing her arms before motioning me to continue. Truth be told, I wasn't expecting her to be willing to hear me out.

"Right. And as a masochist, you get pleasure from pain and, more specifically, humiliation, right?"

Darkness whined in what could've been dual annoyance and elation over my assessment. As quick as it came, she shook her head and sputtered, "P-P-Perhaps, yes, your point, please?"

"Here's what I propose…" I continued in confidence, doing my best to walk casually around her while not stepping into fresh animal carcasses. "I think the idea of being defeated by virtually anything is something that really tickles your fancy. So what do you do? You purposefully beef up your defense while leaving your attack to the wayside. That way, whenever you're forced to go in for the kill, no matter how hard you try, no matter how badly you want to…you just can't do it. You're too clumsy, you have no training with a blade, your best isn't best enough, and you end up with your ass handed to you. Bruised and humiliated, just the way you like it…"

To really seal the deal, I leaned slightly into her face with an all-knowing smirk. Her eyes were wide, her face was on fire, and she was sweating bullets. I had her number.

"And while that can be really inconvenient for me sometimes…credit where it's due, that's a pretty selfish motivation you got there; I'm kinda proud. It warms my greedy black heart knowing you have just that little spark of evil in you after all~!"

"WHA - I - That is not a fair assessment in the slightest – how DARE you!" Darkness squawked. The wall of tension that'd been building up over the past minute shattered in a hilarious display as she flailed her arms in defiance. "I will concede, it's possible my t-tendencies may have affected my decision-making somewhat. But to say that it is birthed from a place of evil just isn't fair! I live to serve to protect others, I would never willingly put them at risk!"

"Oh, don't try to hide it now~" I offered, playfully nudging her side with my elbow. "Your true motivation is selfish, and everyone knows that selfishness is the cornerstone of evil. Therefore, you are evil, and that's good! No, wait, I mean that's bad. Like, good-bad, remember? Or was it bad-good …?"

"No, NO! I refuse to be roped into your confusing world of morals!" Darkness hotly retorted while jabbing her finger in my chest. "I am good, alright!? Just good! I'm not perfect, but I am FAR from evil! I do not do what I do out of self-interest...okay, not entirely out of self-interest but - STOP LAUGHING AT ME!"

What started as me trying to contain a snort quickly devolved into a full-blown laughing fit. Something about seeing a perverted female Crusader bend over backwards to justify her obviously evil actions was too funny! It really is the little things in life that keep you going. Aside from world domination of course. 

"Glad to see you two are having fun at least..." came an irritated voice from above. We turned around to find a frazzled Aqua carelessly dragging poor Megumin down to our position while the bots mopped up the remaining undead. 

"Guys! Perfect timing! You're never gonna believe this!" I exclaimed, giddy over my latest discovery. "I just found out that Dark has a, dare I say, dark side to her! She has evil goals in mind just like me!"

"SHUSH, no! Don't say it like that!" Darkness fumed, still desperately attempting to deny her true nature. "Uh, s-silly Jack here believes he's made some grand realization about my...condition. But he is WRONG, thank you very much!"

Megumin, seemingly content with being dragged by the cape, craned her head around as far back as she could to stare at me blankly. She sighed, "Okay, I know I'm going to regret asking, but what's this all about? What sort of 'realization' have you come to and why do you think it makes Darkness evil?"

"Simple, my dearest M-Bomb," I replied proudly as I moved in front of her and crouched down to her level. Might as well explain it without making her strain her own neck. "We all recognize Dark's unusual habits and how they may stem from a more than likely selfish place. As such, her decision to dump all her skill points exclusively into defense and none in attack to get more thrills PROVES she's got a droplet of evil in her!"

Megumin and Aqua's eyes widened a bit after my explanation. Both girls turned to look at Darkness (who had her burning face buried into her hands while muttering, "It's not like that…") before turning back to me with funny faces.

"That's…well, that's a lot of things, really, but I don't think evil is necessarily one of them," Megumin said after a brief pause. "That's stretching it."

I huffed, "Ugh, you guys never let me have any fun...fine, we'll do it this way then."

Mildly miffed, I turned to Darkness and groaned. "Alright, Dark, here's the deal: make a logical argument for why your dumb actions don't make you evil and I'll drop it...for now"

Peeking out between the cracks of her fingers, Darkness lowered her hands and let out a tired sigh. Though her blush didn't fully go away, I got the sense that she was about to go into "boring-serious-adult-mode" again. She's a lot less fun when she starts acting her age. When I become an evil adult genius, I ain't never letting go of my childlike sensibilities. Some of the best fictional villains out there have a constant playful attitude that makes them all the more charming and funny!

"If you insist on making me defend myself, then I shall do what I must," Darkness replied evenly before clearing her throat in preparation. "I understand that my bad habits may have had a minor influence on my choices, most notably in regards to where I allocate my skill points. However…I ultimately do what I do for the good of others, not for my own personal gain. I continue to max out my defensive stats and skills specifically with this in mind; to defend those who are unable to defend themselves! As such, I vehemently refute your claim that I operate with evil intentions, Jack."

Not buying it. I know there's a hint of bad within her that just needs time, patience, and most importantly acceptance to draw out.

Glancing back at the other two, I was disappointed to see a sniffling Aqua wipe stray tears from her eyes. Seems as though Dark's speech moved her I guess. However, evil hope was not lost as Megumin still had this unreadable expression on her face (unreadable to me anyway). Did she see through the Crusader's heroine act like I did?

"Darkness...I think I have to give it to Jack for once. Even if you truly want to protect people, that doesn't justify putting them at risk by not having any offensive skills. I know you mean well, and Jack's obviously being a big dummy over the evil claim, but you can't act like you're entirely altruistic either. That's just not fair."

A part of me really wanted to highlight Megumin's own hypocrisy given how she also refuses to learn more offensive skills. But she was kinda/sorta backing me up here so I let it slide. 

My moment of self-satisfaction was short-lived, unfortunately, when I noticed how quiet my Darkness had become. When I looked over to her, she had her head hung low so I couldn't make out her face. Despite that, I could gather that she was probably feeling sad…and seeing her sad kinda made me sad too, to be frank.

"Perhaps...perhaps you have a point, Megumin. I suppose my current position is rather...self-serving, in retrospect," she muttered in a soft and dejected tone soft. "It appears I have quite a bit to reflect on for the future. Let's head back to Axel now. Maybe the walk will give me time to think..."

With a hum of confirmation, Megumin turned to Aqua and kindly requested that she'd be carried and not dragged across the fucking dirt. This snapped the blue-haired ditz out of her trance and she fulfilled the girl's wishes. With perfect timing, the JackBots I dispatched came down to meet us after they dealt with the zombies. I ordered them to carry the dead bunnies for us so we could sell their hides at the market. Might as well seeing as how we were effectively forced to do these quests for free; we needed to loot and sell as much as possible to stay financially afloat.

We started to depart for the trek back home, but I stopped when I patted my belt and noticed something was missing. Somehow, I managed to drop my darn sword post-bunny massacre.

Asking the others to hold up for a second, I doubled back and found it after a quick once over. I grimaced as I knelt down to pick it up from the small pool of blood. Why did adventuring have to be so gross? Building robots was so much clean- 

"Ow!"

I quickly withdrew my fingers from the sword, suckling on them to ease the pain a little. Damn static shocks. You never know when they're going…to…strike. Huh.

Taking my fingers out of my mouth, I stared into my reflection on the blade. My genius mind was already picturing blueprints and calculating hypothetical equations. 

"I think that just gave me an evil idea…"

Long after we returned to Axel, selling the rabbit hides and taking another small chunk out of the debt we owed to the capital, I hunkered down in my lab to begin work. Hopefully what I had in mind would not only prove me right, but also help our party become a little more...efficient moving forward.

Let's be real: while the fact that Darkness was selfish was fantastic progress on the road to corruption, her selfishness was a handicap to our overall success more than anything. Putting yourself before others is great and all, but it kinda becomes counterproductive when it also gimps your own evil team.

She fulfills the role as the party's self-appointed meat shield fine enough - great even, better than anyone could ever ask for (or even know they wanted at all)! But if she wasn't so damn stubborn about not learning offensive skills, she'd become both the immovable object and the unstoppable force!

And that's why tonight I was planning on making that happen, one way or another.

After running a few painful but necessary trial runs, I eventually finished up my little experiment, giddy as I plucked it off the workbench. Admittedly, I was kinda looking forward to this, strange as it may sound. It was oddly cathartic thinking about how I wasn't the only morally dubious person in the party, even if Dark's sliver of indecency was small by comparison.

Hiding the present(s) behind my back, I made my way upstairs in search of the blonde not-so-good-doer. I tried knocking on her bedroom door first, only to be greeted with silence, letting me know she probably wasn't in there. I roamed the halls for a while, calling out her name like one would do for a dog, but no dice. Was she always this hard to track or what?

My search eventually led me to the living room, where I found Megumin and Aqua in their pajamas playing a game of chess on the floor. The latter appeared to be deep in concentration (rare sight to behold) while the former snacked on one of the sugar-free candy bars I gave her. Seems she was none the wiser to my trick so far. 

"Yo, you guys see Darkness around? I got a little something-something I wanted to show her, heh."

Megumin and Aqua glanced up at me, confusion passing by both their faces before they seemed to decide it wasn't worth asking. They shrugged and pointed down the adjoining hall.

"Dojo."

I blinked. "As in a little green dragon or the place where you train?"

"The training place," Megumin clarified while giving me another strange look. "Why would a dojo ever refer to a dragon of all things?"

I waved her off. "Eh, don't worry about it, I just got tripped up. Didn't realize this house even had a dojo. First time I'm hearing about it."

"That's our little basement dweller: too creepy to come out of his hidey hole to survey his surroundings," Aqua idly and rudely commented as she moved one of her pieces across the board. "My Adventurer switches to the Archer class and snipes your Swordmaster!"

"It's a cellar. Not a basement," I corrected irritably before taking a closer look at the game she was playing. Upon further inspection, it wasn't actually chess, or at least not the version I was familiar with. It seemed to be this world's analog to chess, with the pieces resembling real adventurer classes. And based off of Aqua's last declared move, it was safe to assume that the rules in this version were drastically different. 

"Just wait until I get my Crimson Demon piece on the board! Your Archer will die before the awesome might of Explosion!" Megumin announced dramatically to her opponent. She put her act on pause though to say something to me. "Oh, the dojo is down the hall, hard left, make a right. Can't miss it."

With a drawn out noise of confirmation, I awkwardly showed myself. I'll have to ask the GuardBots later if they also knew we had a dojo. If they did, then…wow. No wonder everyone used to break into my old home. I'm unobservant as fuck.

"By the way - Jack! What's with this candy you gave me!? It tastes kinda...!"

I hurriedly followed Megumin's directions, dodging her incriminating questions as they faded the further I walked away. I did end up finding the dojo fairly easily. The process was assisted by the fact that I could hear Darkness training away inside. Her shouts and grunts rang loud and clear as I stood outside, weighing my options as I clutched my latest experiment.

For whatever reason, I elected to lean out behind the entrance and take a peek. Don't ask me why, I don't have an answer.

Activating my Lurk skill, I peered inside. Sure enough, we had a dojo alright. Along with a Darkness doing an intense round of sit-ups…with no armor on…leaving her in nothing but her skin tight black bodysuit and -

Holy shit…were those the outlines of, of… ABS~!?

I threw myself backwards, colliding roughly with the wall behind me as I desperately tried to catch my breath. It was no secret that Darkness was ripped, as evident by all the muscle jokes we made to poke fun at her. Yet it somehow didn't occur to me that she'd be toned enough to develop a six pack! Those were the hottest things to me next to big boobs - WHICH SHE ALSO HAS!

I slapped myself with the special tech gloves I made for Darkness.

"Pull yourself together, man! Remember why you're here!"

"Jack? Is that you?"

Crap. In my attempt to stop ogling my friend, she stopped what she was doing and looked around the room. I wanted to do this more casually, but screw it, might as well get it over with.

I deactivated Lurk and waved stiffly at Darkness. "Hiya, Dark..."

"Jack! I thought that was your voice. Why were you invisible just outside the dojo?" Darkness questioned, before she fidgeted slightly and straight-up drooled. "Unless...you were here to spy on me as I worked out, weren't you!? Violating my obscene body with your blood-red eyes as my b-bodysuit leaves my assets more exposed than ever!"

Seek professional help, Darkness. It'll do you wonders. 

"N...No!" I denied, cringing as my voice cracked. "I only swung by because I thought I'd do what friends do and, uh…y'know...hang out? Err, YEAH, that's it! Hang out!"

Darkness managed to drop the wet daydream as she raised a brow. "You wanted to hang out with me...while being invisible?"

"Well...I heard it was the latest trend among adventurers," I lied smoothly, taking advantage of her nobility naivety. "But then it occurred to me that Crusaders can't learn the Lurk skill, so...yeah, that's a bust. But we can still hang out in the visible light spectrum if you'd like!"

"Huh...I've never heard of a trend like that before. A shame my class restricts me from using the Lurk skill. I would've loved to partake in such a quaint social custom!"

Good thing the aristocrats of this world lacked common sense...wait, that applies to the aristocrats of my world too.  

"Regardless, I don't mind us spending more time together. Although it would be easier for me to believe that's all you wanted if you weren't staring so... intensely at me right now..."

Shit, did she catch me eyeing her abs!? It's not my fault her bodysuit really accentuates them! I was just trying to keep my gaze downwards to avoid the risk of checking out her tits - HORMONES! Knock it off!

"SORRY, sorry! I just…had no idea you were so ripped!" I blurted out. It made me want to facepalm then and there. "I know the others and I teased you about it, but seriously, I'd kill for abs like those! N-Nice work on your core...?"

Socially dense though I may be, even I was aware of how self-conscious Darkness was about her muscles. So when she looked away from me and tried to cover up her abs with her arms, I kicked myself. Maybe we were teasing her a little too much; I was only trying to give a compliment like she wanted. 

"O-Oh, well, um…thank you, I guess? It's really not that big of a deal," Dark murmured quietly, barely managing a glance in my direction. "To be honest, I'm actually somewhat ashamed of my physique. It's not terribly ladylike for a noblewoman like me to have a muscular frame..."

"Ladylike, shmadylike!" I blurted out of protest, not believing what I was hearing. "You have abs, so what? Be proud of them! They're the best things to ever grace the human body! Guys and girls alike have debated over which is best: boobs, ass, thighs, or biceps. And while they're all equally valid in their own respect, I say abs trump all! Don't even get me started on-!"

My eyes shot open once I realized what the hell I was saying out loud. I forgot this wasn't the same as debating with a faceless stranger on an internet chatroom. Better course-correct, fast!

"A-Anyway, don't be ashamed of your body. You only got that way because you enjoy working out and staying fit. It's a sign of dedication. Like I said, I'd kill for abs like those."

Darkness continued to fidget, but was now able to steadily meet my gaze. She even managed a small, hopefully thankful smile as she slowly retracted her hands, instead lacing them together as she seemed to compose herself.

"I...suppose you make a valid point. Perhaps I should learn to take more pride in my appearance. I really do work hard to maintain it, don't I?"

"That you do," I said with a sincere nod.

Praying now that this doesn't give her a big head. It's hard enough clashing with Aqua and Megumin's egos. 

Darkness took a quick sigh of relief before asking, "So...you really tracked me down just to talk then?"

"Huh? Oh! Uh…kinda?" I admitted lamely, stalling somewhat in order to work myself up to present her my gift. "Actually, before I get into the real reason, why are you exercising this late? Don't you normally train during the day?"

"Well, uh, I was actually hoping to brute force my way through my current dilemma," Darkness replied after a beat, seemingly still a bit uncomfortable after the talk from earlier this morning. "Megumin's words struck a chord within me, but...it is so terribly simple to ask someone to change and so very hard to make said change happen, is it not?"

Ah, the sweet smell of selfishness~

"Hmm…interesting," I commented, sporting a small but genuine smile as I braced myself. "Well, lucky for you, you have a benevolent evil teen genius for a leader. And I have something I think you and I are both gonna like. So, uh…HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

On that note, I presented my latest project: a pair of shoulder-length gloves, black and white in color with yellow accents dancing along the sides. It had a few circular conductors visible on the exterior, giving off the slightest cyan glow. I did my best to design them with Dark’s usual armor set in mind. 

"Oh. Uh…why thank you, Jack," Darkness replied slowly, making me irrationally upset on the inside. Didn't sound like she was super thrilled about it. "My birthday isn't until April but I appreciate the sentiment all the same. These are supposed to be gloves, yes?"

"Not just any gloves!" I replied, attempting to regain that spark of excitement. "These babies are gonna help you finally hit something, while still getting your kicks in the process!"

As soon as I handed off the equipment to a hesitant Darkness, I began scouring the room for something that could be used as a training dummy. There had to have been, like, a broom closet that Sena and her goons overlooked when they ransacked our house. As I kept looking, I heard Darkness voice her concerns.

"Jack? I'm a little confused. How are these gloves meant to be the solution to all our problems? And what are you looking for?”

“These!” I gestured to the motherlode when I opened a door and found five training dummies perfect for the job.

“...now I’m really confused.”

“What else is new?” I snarked while dragging out one of the dummies and setting it up in front of Darkness. "Alright, here’s what I want you to do. Try and hit this dummy as is. No tricks, nothing fancy. Just go for it as you normally would."

While she still looked a little unsure, a spark of her true greedy nature resurfaced as she panted, "You mean after all that has transpired today, you would have the gall to force me to make a fool of myself for your own amusement!? H…How shrewd~"

Usually I'd take comments about my character like that in style. But in this context? I was going to need a cold shower afterwards.

"Just take your sword and hit the dummy, dummy," I reiterated in a flat tone, focusing on the task at hand to prevent another blush from forming. "I’d like to do a little compare and contrast before and after you equip the gloves. You’ll see what I mean soon enough."

Darkness nodded and went to retrieve a wooden training sword from a nearby rack. Once she got her fake weapon, she stepped closer to the dummy, reeled back, and attempted a straightforward stab strike. 

She missed by an inconceivable margin.

"Darkness…" I uttered after collecting my dropped jaw. "How is that physically possible!? Like, c’mon! Were you even trying!? ”

“I’m just clumsy, okay!?” she shouted back while beet red. 

“‘Clumsy’ my ass! Even if you never picked up a sword skill, it shouldn’t make hitting crap with one impossible! Get those gloves on, NOW!”

The Crusader made a noise teetering on the edge a hentai wail as she followed my direct order. I merely sighed and gave her a moment to settle down. 

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to see her miss a stationary target, yet somehow I was still let down. I knew nothing about swordplay prior to selecting a skill for it, but if you gave the old Jack Spicer a dagger anyway, he’d be more of a threat than Darkness! I could’ve easily stabbed a Heylin monster or two back on Earth…maybe.

Admittedly, my mood improved a little once Darkness put on the gloves. Seeing her admire another of my inventions with wonder and fascination put a genuine smile on my face. I almost forgot the pride of having my genius recognized after years of people not taking me seriously.

"Alright, the computational bot embedded in the wrists should have had enough time to register its user and scan the immediate environment," I said mostly to myself. I gave a cheeky smirk to Darkness when she looked confused over my science talk. "Look alive, Stormtrooper! Try hitting the dummy now and see where that gets ya."

Darkness raised an eyebrow at me calling her a Stormtrooper, but didn't ask as she assumed another stance away from the dummy. Before I knew it, she lurched forward with a determined shout. Her blade was already steering way off course. 

“HIYAAAAA - Kyaaa~!? ”

Her battle cry morphed into a pleased yet confused moan of pain as the gloves administered a controlled shock to her arms. They violently jerked back into the intended direction, resulting in Darkness - for once in her life - hitting her target. The dummy shattered from the raw strength she had put into the swing of her wooden sword. 

I let out a whoop, clapping at the success of both my friend and my invention. Darkness stood panting, overexerted and aroused at having her arms suddenly zapped out of nowhere. When she looked back at me expectantly, I explained. 

"Like your new gift? They’re Jack Spicer's Evil Electroshock GloveBots! The glowing conductors running along the sides aren’t just for show. They apply shocks to specific areas of your arm muscles right as you're about to miss. The computational bot in the wrist compartment runs constant calculations on the movement, speed, and position of your arms before predicting the most optimal path to give you a…let's say 'push' in the right direction. The intensity of the shocks are also calculated accordingly, and sometimes even randomly to keep you from getting used to it. Genius, isn’t it?"

"I… agree, yes! I actually got to hit something like a proper Crusader!" Darkness cheered as she turned to me, thrilled and just a little hot-and-bothered. "And the wonderful stinging sensation I was subjected to - remarkable! Like getting zapped by Yunyun’s Cursed Lightning attack exclusively on my arms! Jack, THANK YOU for this beautiful self-torture device!"

"I…wouldn’t phrase it like that myself, but don’t mention it!" I chuckled awkwardly before trying to clear my throat. "Uh, with the gloves on, not only can you properly do your job while still getting your daily dose of pain, you also don't have to worry about wasting skill points on the Two-Handed Sword skill. You can just keep dumping them all into defense and further scratch that selfish itch of yours. Everybody wins!"

Just like that, Darkness's bright smile faltered and she turned away from me, bangs obscuring her expression. At first I was irritated since I expected this meant she was gonna try and get back up on her stupid moral high horse again. But then the thought of how upset she'd looked when Megumin called her out earlier crossed my mind. It made me want to hold my tongue for once. 

I think…I think I was actually going to think before I speak. If there was one thing I hated more than my evilness being put into question, it was seeing a friend of mine genuinely upset. For the sake of Dark’s happiness, I was willing to backpedal a bit.

"Uh…y’know, prolonged exposure to the zaps should help you develop muscle memory after a while. Theoretically, there should come a time when you won't even need the gloves or a sword skill to kick monster butt. Plus, it's still your gift, do whatever you want with it. Feel free to do…'stuff' with it on your own time. So, uh…y-yeah.”

Will I ever stop putting my foot in my mouth?

Anyway, since I was facing away from her, I jumped slightly when I felt a hand connect with my shoulder. When I turned to face Darkness again, the smile on her face was enough to make swallowing my pride worth it. Sure as hell wasn't gonna turn into a habit, though. 

"Yes, well, I greatly appreciate the gift all the same. Thank you," she said in a soft tone of voice that I could fall asleep to. "Thank you for not only the gift, but for being so…patient with me. I am truly blessed by Eris to have you and the others as my friends. In fact, if I may be so bold…I would go as far as to consider you all my family. Not by blood, of course, but in the way you consider your robots your family.”

Darkness’s cheeks flushed as she looked away shyly. “I, uh, hope that doesn't come off as presumptuous of me."

"N-No, not at all…" I managed meekly. Evil though I may be, it was really nice to know that I had friends – a family – to come home to. World domination is nice and all, but it'd be awfully lonely without anyone else by your side. "That's really sweet of you, Dark. I guess you're part of my family too."

"Consider me honored!" Darkness cemented, slapping my back and immediately fretting over me when she forgot her own strength. I reassured her I've had worse, which unsurprisingly made her a little envious. She was a weirdo alright, but she was my weirdo. Same goes for Aqua and Megumin.

"Right, well, you have fun with your new toy. I'm heading back to the lab," I declared, stopping at the threshold of the dojo to cast a glance back at her, nervous again.

"Say…think you could still hook me up with that adamantite stuff later? Misunderstood rich kids like ourselves gotta stick together, right? And you did kinda promise already, sooo…"

"Oh, certainly! I should be able to reach out to my contacts next time we go into town, no problem," Darkness answered eagerly, dispelling my nerves with surprising ease. Still, she did flush a bit as she continued, tilting her head away. "O-Of course, being indebted to my party leader does have its advantages, doesn't it?"

I truly didn't know what to say to that. So I parted with a safe, "Yeah sure, night," and took my leave. Once I was out of her line of sight, I released a breath of built up anxiety and wiped my brow. 

“Heh. Jack Spicer, you really know how to treat your partners in crime~” 

It’s a shame none of the other villains back home ever saw it that way. They might have been less inclined to ditch me every five minutes otherwise.

As I strolled down the hall feeling very proud of myself, I stumbled over my own feet when I noticed Aqua and Megumin leaning by one of the walls, seemingly waiting for me. Their expressions were…unreadable, I couldn't pin down anything too obvious. What was this about?

"Oh, hey guys. Again," I greeted, opting to play it casually. "So who won the game?"

"Megumin. Her Crimson Demon piece saved up enough skill points to learn Explosion and she flipped the board," Aqua admitted bitterly, further proving that this world’s version of chess was nothing like Earth chess. She shook her head and glared at me. "So...you mind telling us what that was all about back there?"

I scratched my head at what she was referring to when it clicked: they must've followed me to the dojo and overheard everything. Oh god, I have to be absolutely sure about something first!

"You didn't hear the thing about the abs, did you!?"

Aqua and Megumin both looked completely flummoxed by that. Seems they weren’t around to hear me gushing about abs and other female body parts. Thank Christ.

“Uh...no? We meant the gloves you gave her,” Megumin explained after a beat.

"Oh, that. What’s not to understand? Feels pretty self-explanatory to me."

"Jack, you made gloves that fucking shock Darkness! The hell's the matter with you!?" Megumin cried, her eyes glowing red. "I don’t care if you're the 'evil bad guy' or whatever, that's just sick!"

"Yeah, I know! The gloves are pretty sick, aren't they?" 

I doubled back when I noticed how both ladies did not share my enthusiasm. 

"Oh, you didn’t mean ‘sick’ in the cool way, did you?"

"NO! We very much meant it in the UNCOOL way!" Aqua retorted, wildly gesturing in the direction of the dojo. "You can't just shock Darkness into fighting correctly! It's, like, super unethical!"

Unethical? No duh, they're called Evil Electroshock GloveBots for a reason. But uncool? Nuh-uh, objectively incorrect. Time to get serious and explain why they’re wrong.

"Aqua, we're talking about a woman who's survived two Explosions at point blank range and came out of both with a dopey grin on her face. Little controlled zaps to the arms are nothing in comparison. Besides, she said she appreciated my gift, especially when it helped her hit a training dummy. Darkness is a masochist – a pain junkie – she consents to the whole thing. The gloves will recondition her muscle memory, she won't get all mopey about spending skill points, and everyone else reaps in the benefits. So what's the problem here again?"

Aqua and Megumin continued to give me scrutinizing stares. I could tell that they were trying their hardest to formulate a counterargument, some “wise moral grandstand”. And yet, as the seconds ticked away, my smile grew more and more as they visibly faltered. It was Aqua who was the first to relent, sighing before crossing her arms and giving me one last warning glare.

"Alright, Jack. Against my godly judgment, I’m going to trust that you know what you're doing because you’re my friend. But if this turns out to be a front for some disgusting form of play, you're going to be making multiple visits to Eris for me. Get it?"

"Hey, HEY! Ease up on the threats! I'm a teenager, not a sex freak!" I shot back in offense. I had my weaknesses, sure, but being a horny bastard wasn't one of them! "My intentions are in no way sexual, I promise!"

The water goddess stared deep into my eyes, making me fidget from the prolonged contact before she eventually exhaled through her nostrils and dropped her glare.

"Okay, I believe you. Just...keep an eye on Darkness, alright? I'm a little worried about how much she wants to ‘help’ people. If those gloves really help her out, great, but until we see as much...make sure she doesn’t get us all killed."

"You have my word as an evil genius," I promised with a smile, putting up my hands and wiggling my fingers. "See? No fingers crossed! That's how you know I'm being genuine."

Aqua rolled her eyes at the gesture before walking down the adjoining hall, probably planning on crashing for the night. Megumin, however, waited by me as I shot her a questioning look.

"Gold coin for your thoughts, M-Bomb?" 

"...you think Darkness is doing okay?" The young mage asked quietly, catching me by surprise with just how serious she sounded. "Over what I said today I mean. She was really quiet for a while, and now that she's got those gloves..."

What made her think I knew the answer? I'm a mad scientist for badness sake, not a shrink! Still, I should probably say something to ease Megumin's worries, even if it meant pulling something out of my ass. Just hope whatever comes out of my mouth next will be enough to satiate her.

Since when did trying to turn my friends evil get so convoluted?

"I…think she's gonna be okay. Mostly. I think all you did was help open her eyes a little," I admitted, stuffing my hands into my pockets as I shrugged. "You know how she is, Megumin. She wants to help people, even if it's in a weirder way than how most good guys would go about it. All she needed was a second opinion. Nothing to worry over, yeah?"

I watched in suspense as Megumin lowered her gaze to the ground, seemingly mulling over my words. Just when it felt like the pressure was going to crush me, my anxiety simmered when I noticed a ghost of a smile pass on the girl's lips.

"Yeah, you're right. Thanks for giving it to me straight, Jack. I was worried I might’ve made her reconsider her life choices. I know from experience how soul-crushing that can be. Glad to know I was worrying over nothing."

"Welcome to my world," I semi-joked with her, the two of us sharing a chuckle over it. Once again, relative peace has been restored amongst my closest (and only) friends. Let's try to keep it that way.

Just then, Megumin and I noticed a lone GuardBot hovering right on by. I flagged him down to ask him something important.

"Hey, Paul! Did you know this house had a dojo?"

"Of course, sir!" GB-P4UL confirmed a bit too enthusiastically before registering my grimace. "Were…you not made aware of it?"

The asshole mage beside me practically collapsed where she stood, holding onto her sides as she doubled-over laughing.

"SHUT UP!"

One-Shot Bears.

Bear-like monsters with Attack stats on par with most Dragons, the strongest creatures this world has to offer. They could split trees in half and give even the most experienced and high-leveled adventurers pause. If this thing so much as breathes on you, there was a good chance you weren’t going to live to tell the tale. Thus the name, One-Shot Bears. 

Now, an endgame monster notorious for insta-kills usually wouldn’t be spotted this far out in the countryside, where all the novices gather. But back when the Mobile Fortress Destroyer still ravaged the lands, a lot of monsters were forced to migrate away from it. This, in turn, led to a lot of high-leveled monsters from the capital area coming down here unopposed. 

Dangerous monsters like One-Shot Bears meant big money for us. Taking on even a few of these quests would make significant progress in our debt. 

“Explain to me why I can’t just use Explosion the second we see it?”

I sighed as we all stood at the edge of a shrouded forest, waiting for the JackBots to come lure out our target. “Because I’d like for Darkness to get a chance to test out her new gloves. Besides, I’d rather you save it in case we get a big cluster. Didn’t you learn anything from the Lovely Rabbit kill-quest?”

“I’ve learned not to trust you with the snack printer,” Megumin grumbled ruefully. “Next time, I get to pick out my candy. You still owe me for trying to pass off that sugar-free crap!”

I side-eyed Aqua.

“Don’t look at me! I knew better than to snitch! It’s your own fault for underestimating a Crimson Demon’s cleverness. She was bound to catch on.”

“Don’t think you’re off the hook either, Aqua,” Megumin warned. “You were an accomplice, so that makes you just as culpable. You’ll both get what’s coming to you soon enough…”

“It’s not fair…” Darkness moped while kicking the ground. “My friends get to be subjected to a revenge plot but not I? It’s bad enough the One-Shot Bear likely won’t be able to get a hit on me. The zaps are nice, yes, but can they hope to compare to the meaty punch of a ravenous beast?”

I may need to increase the voltage on those gloves in the near future. 

“You’ll get hurt no matter what, don’t worry,” I reassured the hopeless masochist. “We’ll wait for a bear or two to come out, Aqua will buff your stats with Blessing, and the gloves will do the rest.”

"I still think you're overestimating Darkness’s defenses,” Aqua said bluntly. “Explosions are one thing, but are you that confident she can handle a One-Shot Bear? You’re becoming quite trashy for how you treat girls, y'know."

M-Bomb, Dark, and I took turns roughly pinching Aqua’s cheeks, each for our own separate reasons. Still, it was nice knowing I wasn't the only one who could accidentally offend their friends.

Suddenly, a thunderously loud roar shook the tree line before us. The sounds of something very big and very pissed started to get closer.

"We found one!"

The leading JackBot frantically beeped as he and his team flew out of the forest as fast as their propulsion jets would allow. But before the last bot, JB-J3NK1N5, could make it to the clearing, a beefy arm shot out of the shadows, holding the poor thing in place. It was then that a bipedal brown bear stepped out of the shadows.

It…wasn’t anything like I had imagined it.

Instead of some gnarly, unkempt beast, the One-Shot Bear looked like something out of a kid’s cartoon. It had the arms of a bodybuilder, legs that were way too stumpy, a beer gut with an outie belly button, and a tiny head more akin to a teddy bear than that of an actual bear. With how disproportional its whole body was, it was a wonder the thing didn’t topple over from its own weight.

I probably would’ve laughed at how ridiculous the animal looked if it didn’t proceed to pull a power move right in front of me.

The One-Shot Bear…balled up my robot while he was still beeping, oil dripping out between the creaking metal and electrical sparks flying. It discarded my now ball-shaped baby while the remaining units drew out their chest-mounted plasma guns, chassis quaking in fear. 

I turned to the girls. 

"WHY DID YOU LET ME PICK THIS QUEST!?"

Darkness took the initiative by unsheathing her sword. “Everyone, get behind me! Aqua, Blessing! NOW!”

Not fucking around anymore, Aqua spammed her Blessing spell on the Crusader, buffing her already excellent stats while we all followed her instructions and took cover. Amazingly, the One-Shot Bear seemed intelligent enough to understand the concept of being cocky, as it did the “come at me” gesture with its disturbingly human hands. 

Even more amazingly, Darkness did not take to vocalizing her self-degrading fantasies out loud, nor did she take the bait. She stared the bear down, steadying her breathing. 

“You have taken your last life today, monster. With Lady Eris as my witness, I shall avenge…um…”

Darkness glanced awkwardly at the JackBots behind her. “What was that one’s name?”

“JB-J3NK1N5. ‘Jenkins’, ma’am,” answered the leader of the recon team. “And he’s technically still with us via the cloud network. But please, make that mammal pay all the same.”

Darkness didn’t quite understand the bot’s words, but she gave a simple nod before turning her attention back to the bear. She further raised her blade and dug her heels into the dirt, preparing to lunge forward with one last resolute sentiment.

"For Jenkins…"

One-Shot Bear roared, followed by Darkness as the two opponents charged head-on at each other. The GloveBots hummed to life, casting the Crusader’s arms in a light cyan aura as the electrical conductors prepared to deliver shocks to her muscles. 

The bear reared back its paw as it began to glow like Aqua's fist when she was about to deliver a God Blow. The gesture did nothing to deter the Crusader as she homed in on the monster, and right as it went in for the punch…

Fist and sword collided, powerful enough to send a miniature shockwave across the field. Sparks flew as though the blade was being put to a grindstone rather than flesh and bone. It was truly raw as fuck, I have to admit. But it was also scary at the same time. How thick was the skin on that bear!?

The stalemate broke off, Darkness was on the offensive thanks to the gloves guiding her swings in the right direction. One-Shot Bear blocked each strike with the sheer mass of its bulging biceps. 

“Exhilarating~!” Darkness couldn’t help but cry in between swings. “It’s like this grotesque thing knows it hurts for me to attack, and is choosing to stall so that it can prolong my suffering~!”

The One-Shot Bear faltered, probably because it too recognized there was something seriously wrong with this chick. But that left it open for the GloveBots to get a slash across its belly, which turned out to be far more susceptible to cuts than its arms. The gouge went deep, and the bear roared in pain as blood started gushing out. 

“Feeling queasy…” I muttered while subconsciously clutching my stomach.

The pained roars of the One-Shot Bear ended abruptly when Darkness cleanly sliced its head off. I turned my head away at that point to avoid looking at anything more graphic. I was still getting used to seeing real-life monster gore, and I try not to think about it too much. 

Thankfully, the bear’s body slumped over in a way where I wouldn’t see its draining neck stump. The rolling, decapitated head off to the side was admittedly round and cartoonish enough for me to stomach seeing. Although the friendly smile it had on throughout the brief fight was still there, making it kinda creepy. 

Darkness’s panting provided a much-needed distraction (never thought I’d admit that). She had fallen to her knees after the battle, shivering in pleasure from all the electroshocks the gloves had given her. But she also displayed childlike giddiness over her first, true victory; similar to when she hit the dummy last night.

“I…I did it. I actually did it! I-I fought a monster and I won! Heh… Hahaha! I really am a viable Crusader! Oh, if only Chris could see me now! She’d be so proud of her best friend, haha!”

“Way to go, Dark! Nature’s Beauty~!” Aqua cheered, popping off celebratory party tricks. “You sure showed that mean old bear! And it was all thanks to my Blessing! It’s never too late to convert to the Axis Church, you know!”

“Quit trying to advertise your religion, you nut,” Megumin lightly scolded before congratulating Dark with a smile. “But she’s right, you really put that monster in its place! Darkness, Lewd Noble with a Heart of Gold, dominated the battlefield and looked really cool while doing it! They shall sing your exploits at many taverns for generations to come!”

The older woman finally cooled down, though her blush stayed thanks to the praise being dumped on her. I imagine she wasn’t used to this sort of treatment and had no real “defense” for it (if you’ll pardon the pun). She rubbed her tingling arms shyly before nodding in my direction.

“Thank you, but it’s really Jack you should be praising. Had he not invented these amazing gloves for me, I wouldn’t have been able to secure this victory all by myself. His methods may be cruel and strange, but he truly is a genius where it counts.”

Dang, being called cruel and a genius? This girl was gonna make me blush…which is why I had to turn away, busying myself with retrieving what was left of Jenkins. 

“I know, I know, I’m amazing. Just hit me up if you have any questions about the gloves or if they need adjustments.”

I heard Aqua say something about “tsunderes” as I went to pick up the JackBot ball that stupid bear made. It was definitely beyond salvaging; it’d be easier to build a new body for Jenkins. I’ve got my work cut out for me, don’t I?

But as I discreetly glanced back at Darkness beaming at the girls…I felt a little warm inside. One of my inventions really did make a friend happy.

…

Maybe I would go easy on her for being so selfish. Wouldn’t want to ruin the moment. And there’s always other bad traits we can try coaxing out of her. For example, her lying still needs some serious work. 

I was suddenly brought out of my ruminations by a chorus of roars. My eyes doubled in size as a pack of One-Shot Bears emerged from the forest. They may have been smiling, but I could tell they were not happy...

Megumin jumped for joy. “At last! A group of high-leveled monsters all huddled together! Time to farm some XP! Darkness blacker than black and darker than - ”

We were forced to retreat as the idiot took too long with the chant.

Chapter Text

I took a long, hearty swig from my mug and leaned back in my chair with a satisfied sigh. I was so happy to finally have a chance to cut loose and get my fill of bubbly again! At first, I'd planned to just grab a bite from the guild and then head back to the mansion, but when Kazuma and Yunyun waved me over offering me a round...who was I to refuse free drinks?

"A-Are you sure you don't want me to pay for the tab, Kazuma?" Yunyun shyly asked her partner. "It just feels wrong not covering for a…f-friend's lunch. Funifura and Dodonko taught me that back at the academy and they had lots of friends themselves."

"Not in the slightest, Yun. No reason I can't pay for a few drinks," Kazuma assured her with a relaxed smile, before lightly bumping her arm and shooting her a pointed look. "And I assume your 'friends' back home made you pay for plenty of meals, which you will never have to do for me. Understand?"

The poor girl pursed her lips and looked to be on the verge of tearing up after hearing that. Yunyun wiped her eyes and gave Kazuma a determined nod before going in for a hug, which he gladly returned. Cuteness overload! My scared goddess heart can't take it! Never thought a creep like him could maintain a platonic relationship with a girl!

"Fufufu. I gotta admit, I'm impressed with how close you two have become," I commented teasingly after taking another swig of booze. So long as it didn't touch my lips too much, I wouldn't have to worry about accidentally purifying the alcoholic content. "I took you as a shut-in NEET the first time we met, especially when you were still wearing that wrinkly old tracksuit."

"Wow, you really have a way with words. Ever consider taking up poetry?" Kazuma snarked in a sarcastic tone, though a smile lingered on his lips, one I couldn't help but return. "Eh, it's not like I was the pinnacle of anything special when I first arrived. I wouldn't have expected much from me either."

"That's not true, Kazuma! You're plenty special!" Yunyun boldly proclaimed. Seems he was beginning to rub off on her after all (and not in the gross way like I'd originally suspected). "Sure, your stats and class may not be anything to write home about. But you make the best with what you have and you do it phenomenally! Crimson Demons were taught that Basic Magic was a waste of skill points and that you'd be better off saving for Advanced or even Intermediate Magic. Yet I see you use simple spells in ways I've never considered! You're very versatile!"

"Heh...well, if you ladies keep insisting, then I suppose it must be true!" Kazuma yielded, puffing out his chest and doing a complete 180 from his little modesty speech.

"Oh, I get it now. You just wanted to get me and Yunyun drunk enough so we'd agree with your self-inflated ego," I said in between casual sips.

The human refuse known as Cadzuma went wide-eyed as he slowly looked back to me. "How can you be so perceptive at the worst possible time...?"

"No offense, Mr. Satou, but that's pretty low of you..." His partner sadly admitted while looking down.

"Oi! Why are we going back to using family names like that, Yun!?"

"P-Please, Mr. Satou, I'd rather you not call me by that nickname until further notice..."

Trashzuma growled to himself before slamming his head into the countertop repeatedly, snapping Yunyun out of her funk as she frantically urged him to calm down before Luna kicked us out.

"Relax, it could've been worse," I mused aloud while lazily kicking my legs. "At least you're too spineless to actually prey upon defenseless, drunk girls. We have nothing dangerous to worry about in your presence!"

"Keep talking like that and you'll set off a flag," Kazuma vaguely threatened (I think) before ultimately relenting and sticking his nose down his cup. "I knew I should've just waited for Dust to come back from his quest. Really starting to regret inviting you for a round of drinks..."

"Now what's that supposed to mean!? You tryin' to say I'm not a good drinking buddy? I'll have you know that I can discern the taste of nearly every bubbly I drink. For example, the one I'm having now is a vintage Mandrake extract which promotes vitality due to the plants' need to let out their anxieties by screaming."

"I only ordered you plain old ale."

...

"Like I said, I'm something of a bubbly connoisseur~"

"You know what? I'll just let you think whatever you want," Kazuma said with a headshake for some reason. Although he managed to find his smile as he idly swirled his drink. "Almost makes me wish I had that level of confidence. Back home, I was...well, a bit of a hikikomori as you figured. I stopped going to school and I wasn't exactly keen on making conversation with strangers in town. But you sure make it look pretty easy..."

I blinked. "That's because it is though?"

"Goddamnit, do you just like undermining heart-to-hearts or what!?"

"Well, you seem to be adjusting just fine on my end," I commented while leaning over the countertop. "You're holding a conversation with me right now, aren't you? Plus, I've seen you chat with Dust's party and that one guy with the mohawk. Although I haven't seen the latter lately...weird."

"Wouldn't be surprised if he's moved on to a higher-leveled town," Kazuma mused before taking another swig of his drink. "But I guess you've got a point with Dust and his friends. Maybe I'm not as rusty with my social interactions as I thought? Stranger things have happened I suppose."

"Who knows? I just don't think about stuff too hard," I turned in my stool to properly face the young man to lay down some sage advice. "In fact, it reminds me of a certain teaching I preach to my followers: 'No matter what you do in life, you will most likely regret it later anyway. Therefore, just do what makes you the happiest in the moment and don't dwell on the consequences'!"

My two drinking buddies stared long and hard at me. No doubt they were absolutely floored with my wisdom as a goddess~

"It's honestly mind-boggling how anybody can find that inspirational," Kazuma muttered after a moment.

"Um, h-how about we move the topic away from all the heavy stuff?" Yunyun nervously suggested right as I was about to pounce on this no-good hermit. "I-I heard from Megumin that you and your party have been doing rather well on quests lately."

"That we have!" I chirped, whatever I was so pissed about a thing of the past. "Some of those quests have been up there since late summer, so we've had a lot to choose from! I'm sure you've heard about how we took out the One-Shot Bear a few days ago, courtesy of our lovable meathead~"

Kazuma smirked and snorted, "Yeah, I have. Darkness getting a confirmed kill on her card made a lot of people lose a lot of money at the betting pool. You guys have been making heads turn around here, working your butts off to pay Iris's debt. Pretty inspiring actually."

"I know, right!? At the rate we're going, we'll have paid off the debt in no time! And while the girls and I definitely deserve most of the praise, we gotta hand it to Jack. His gadgets and fancy doodads may not complement the fantasy vibe, but they sure make our lives more convenient!"

And just like that, Kazuma's smile vanished. His entire posture shifted as he became rigid and tense, a brief scowl passing his face. He grumbled a half-hearted agreement before taking another swig of his drink, missing the concerned look I shot at his partner.

In all the excitement, I forgot about the beef Kazuma and Jack still had with each other. Oopsie…

Luckily, Yunyun seemed to know what to do. The timid Crimson Demon gently placed her hand atop Kazuma's clenched fist, causing his tense shoulders to loosen up a little. When he turned to look at her, she stared up at him, eyes wide and full of concern. That seemed to be enough to cool Kazuma down as he gave her a small smile and even patted the top of her head.

Dang, were they always this adorable together? Megumin needs to remind me how a sleazy guy like him befriend a cinnamon roll like her.

"Sorry about that, Aqua. Things are still...complicated with Spicer and I" He murmured quietly, much more subdued than before as he drummed his free hand on the table. "I know after a certain point it's better to just forget about him and move on but...fuck, it's harder than I thought."

"Yeah, he can be a real piece of work," I agreed with a soft nod. "But what do you mean it's harder than you thought? After all that's happened, I'd assume you'd just hate him by now, plain and simple."

Kazuma paused, eyebrows furrowed and mouth drawn into a tight frown as he considered his words before answering. Which I found to be quite bizarre given our previous conversations.

"It would be so easy to hate him, wouldn't it? To write him off as another callous dickhead who only cares about himself. But...in some ways...I think I can see a little bit of myself in the guy. And it seriously pisses me off!"

I accidentally did a spit-take on Kazuma when he admitted that.

Despite him glaring daggers at me, I looked him square in the eye and pleaded, "PLEASE don't tell me you wanna take over the world too! I CANNOT deal with two megalomaniacs in my life right now. Megumin already borders the line on that!"

"Ah, no. Not what I was referring to, don't worry," Kazuma retorted, even managing a smirk while my backwash dripped from his hair. "But we admittedly have some things in common. We're both from Earth, both loners before biting the big one, both have an unconventional sense of humor. I dunno, maybe I'm just connecting dots where there are none, but I always figured Jack and I would come around eventually."

Huh. Never thought of it like that. But now that he mentioned it…yeah, I guess they do have a few similarities. Truthfully, if Jack wasn't such a confrontational prick, I could see him and Kazuma getting along for the most part. It'd certainly be better than watching them silently sneer at each other every time they're at the guild.

"Listen, I know Jack can be a pain, like, 90% of the time. But it's not entirely his fault," I lightly defended, holding up my hands to placate Kazuma as he spared me another unamused glare. "While we were in hiding after Sena tried to arrest us, we talked to him about...well, a lot of a stuff. To put it simply, he's been terrified that we were gonna abandon him at the first sign of trouble. It took him nearly half a dang year just for him to accept that we aren't going anywhere."

Kazuma and his partner stared at me in surprise, with the latter having covered her mouth and on the verge of crying again. That must've hit close to home for poor Yunyun, especially given what Megumin's told me about her during their school days. Eventually, my drinking buddy awkwardly coughed into his fist before speaking up.

"So he has his reasons for being slow to trust, I can unfortunately relate. But that doesn't give him an excuse to be an ungrateful bastard. He didn't seem to have trouble making up with Dust, and he was outwardly an asshole to him. So what's he got against me, huh!? What did I ever do to piss him off when all I've ever done was give him advice!?"

Kazuma paused to finish downing his second mug of ale. He slammed it back down before continuing his rant.

"And don't get me started on his whole 'evil' streak, it's not doing him any favors. I can understand someone like Megumin being a chunni, but he should've grown out of that by now. Seriously, I try to vouch for the guy so that doesn't get unjustly executed, and how does he thank me? Nearly gets me arrested instead! God, just thinking about it makes me wanna stomp his teeth into the curb!"

"He's…how do I put it nicely? He's more delusional than a Crimson Demon, and we have Megumin for comparison," I said after pausing to chug down on my bubbly, feeling more inclined to drink than I was prior to this conversation. "The girls and I are trying to work together to set him straight. It's not easy given how deeply rooted his whole 'evil' thing is, but I think we're making some progress. We got him to apologize to Wiz for believing she ratted him out when the core hit the capital."

Kazuma just gave me a look.

"I never said it was amazing progress! Still, it's a start at the very least."

"How inspiring. Points for effort I guess," Kazuma huffed, raking a hand through his hair and sighing. "I get what you're trying to say and, again, I understand what it's like to have a shaky mindset. That being said, I doubt Jack's gonna pull his head out of his ass anytime soon and hash things out like an adult."

"Um, a-about that…?" Yunyun started before trailing off, making Kazuma turn around to address her.

"Yunyun...that look doesn't inspire confidence," He warned with an almost nervous tone. "What did you do?"

"NOTHING, I SWEAR!" She practically screamed, clamping her mouth shut once some of the patrons turned to look at her. She glanced down and blushed heavily in embarrassment. "Sorry for yelling…"

"It's alright. Just...let me know exactly what you have in mind," Kazuma gently coaxed, his tone becoming remarkably softer as he addressed her, much less abrasive or boisterous like normal. "I won't be upset with you, I promise. But I am starting to get a little concerned here."

"Right. Sorry," Yunyun apologized again reflexively. "It's just that, well…I kinda bought something the other day and I think it might help you and Jack m-make amends?"

As she spoke, she picked up her traveling bag she had lying on the floor next to her stool and pulled out a pretty purple crystal. I leaned in to go, "Ooo," and admire my reflection before she stammered on.

"I-It's called a 'Friendship Crystal'. I bought from Wiz's shop. I was waiting there to see if Megumin would stop by for a visit, b-but Mr. Vanir insisted that I should buy something instead of loitering in their shop. So I kinda made an impulse purchase…"

"I still can't believe no one's batting an eye over that guy moving in like a normal person…" Kazuma muttered mostly to himself before shaking his head and going back to addressing Yunyun. "Uh, anyway, do I need to ask what it's supposed to do? I know the name makes it seem self-explanatory but I bought a few products from that shop myself. You'd be hard-pressed to find something that isn't defective in an ironic way."

"Well, the way Wiz described it sound pretty straightforward to me," Yunyun replied, still fidgeting a bit in her seat under our intent observation. "She said that it strengthens bonds between two people who hold it by channeling their mana into it. It's actually something I was hoping to try out with Megumin…"

Kazuma eyed the orb suspiciously and hummed. "I dunno about this. Wiz is a nice, well-endowed lady, but she doesn't exactly have common sense when it comes to her wares. And something tells me there's a catch with this thing…"

"C'mon, Kazuma! Have a little faith!" I chimed in, lightly bumping his shoulder and flashing a bright smile. "This crystal thingy sounds like it could really be your chance at finally kickstarting a positive relationship with Jack! Isn't it worth the risk, just to put the bickering aside for good?"

Ever the worry wart, Kazuma closed his eyes and crossed his arms, seemingly in deep thought. Clearly, my Axis teachings have not reached through to him. In the end, however, the reincarnated Japanese uncrossed his arms and sighed in acceptance to his destiny.

"Alright, fine. You might actually be right. It's worth a try, if only to not make enemies with the guy who builds murder-death bots. We'll give the mystery orb a fair shot."

"That's the spirit!" I cheered, raising my mug up for him to clink it with his. He rolled his eyes but did just that, both of us taking another hearty gulp…

Except for me because I realized I had already finished mine without noticing.

"Refill~?" I asked sweetly, batting my beautiful goddess eyelashes for maximum charm.

"Pffft. Now how could I possibly say no to that face?" Kazuma remarked with a lazy grin. 

"Yo, M-Bomb. Pass me the wrench?"

Without gazing up from my work, I extended my hand out and flexed my waiting fingers for the tool I requested. Right on cue, I felt the familiar, cool grip of the -

"…Sweetheart, this is a crescent wrench. I need a socket wrench."

I was getting flashbacks to that damn parrot all over again…

"Don't 'sweetheart' me, Jack! It's easier said than done!" Megumin chided, snatching back the wrench and chucking it back into my toolbox. "These things all look the same! Why are there so many different kinds of wrenches!?"

"What are you, wrench racist?" I snarked back, pausing to watch the rural wizard girl sort out the different tools. "It's the one with the, uh…screwy-looking thing on it. You know what, just let me get it."

Leaning over, I stuck my hand in the box and fished around for a few seconds before proudly pulling out the socket wrench. Once I recovered the desired tool, I returned to my current task: reconstructing the JackBots with their newly finished adamantite coatings!

"Don't worry, son," I whispered lovingly to the deactivated JB-CUPC4K3 as I tightened up his sockets. "Daddy's gonna make you and your brothers all big and strong with this hot new metal. Then you won't have to worry about getting destroyed in battle...much."

From what I've seen of Darkness's own adamantite armor, it's usually only ever cracked in the worst of circumstances. A true telling of its durability given how those conditions typically involved powerful boss monsters and Explosions to the face. The threats in this world were no pushovers, so giving my robots an upgrade like this was long overdue. Their survivability rate should increase tenfold once I was done here!

"You've certainly made exceptional headway in your upgrades, Jack!" The Crusader herself praised from nearby, having been placed in charge of setting the JackBots up in their charging stations once finished. "I hope my adamantite helps protect them in the future. It hasn't let me down yet!"

"I think it will!" I chirped pleasantly over my work. "Stronger armor means better chances of shielding their emotion chips from damage! Those things are the most fragile parts, so it blows whenever they get lost or broken beyond repair. Although funnily enough, Sigma Squad's chips seem to be magically endowed with greater protection. Might have something to do with the metal from that blessed sword I took off that chump in the blue armor. What was his name again? Mikey?"

"'Mitsurugi' I believe it was," Darkness corrected before tilting her head in apparent consideration. "Curious regarding the added protection though...I suppose Keele's matter of silver linings cannot be understated."

"No foolin'. Sigma Squad's been my go-to fighting force. Out of all the JackBots, they're the ones who've seen the most combat. I'm proud of how far they've come with their memories and emotions still intact."

I took a moment to admire Cupcake's shiny new metal body as I reminisced. "Y'know, I'm half-tempted to leave them white like this, just to try something new. But I suppose that's for them to decide. It's their bodies after all."

"Agreed. We'll just have to wait and see what they think once they finish charging," Darkness said with a nod and a smile as she casually leaned up against one of the charging stations.

What followed was a literal domino effect of all the JackBots she neatly lined up toppling over each other. None of them were damaged thanks to the new metal coating I just added, but the charging stations they docked in all fell apart. 

Megumin and I both gave deadpan stares to the clumsy blonde Crusader. She frantically switched her gaze between us and the mess she created in an almost comical fashion. Then the self-deprecating horny switch was flipped. 

"P-Please, a-allow me to get that like the oafish sow I am! To think that a proud Crusader would be reduced to a second-rate maid...~"

Since she was offering to pick up the mess she made, I kept my mouth shut. At least the JackBots weren't turned on to hear her being "turned on".

The sound of the cellar door opening up at the far end of the lair caught our attention.

"Ah, that must be Aqua," I said aloud before shooting a cheeky grin at Megumin. "How much you wanna bet she still got wasted anyway?"

Before Megumin had time to think about it, her gaze wandered towards the bottom of the stairwell and her eyes widened. I turned to follow her gaze...

And found Aqua bringing in my personal nemesis and his partner! She even had the gall to skip over to me with a ditzy smile while the latter two gawked at my lair (rightfully so all things considered).

"AQUA!" I practically squawked at the blue-haired twit. "Did you just let this loser into my secret evil liar? While the GuardBots are under maintenance no less!? Have you lost what little you had of your mind!?"

"Hey! Don't yell at me! I'm taking initiative!" She countered, fists balled in frustration as she stomped like a child. "I didn't bring them here for you to fight, dummy! I brought them here so we can sort out this stupid feud once and for all!"

I felt my heart skip a beat for a second. Ignoring the weird, dull ache in my chest again, I turned right back around and continued working on the JackBots' enhancements. "There's nothing to sort out. He hates me, I hate him back. That's how it goes. As for Yunyun…I don't hold any strong feelings one way or the other."

"Hate's a strong word, you know. He's made it clear he doesn't really hate you, and I don't think you hate him either," Aqua refuted with infuriating ease. "Listen, Yunyun came up with an idea to help the two of you become less...hostile, if all goes well."

"First, you know I hate it when you tell me how my own feelings work…" I grumbled, crossing my arms and glaring intensely at the wall to my left, refusing to give in to Aqua's admittedly infectious optimism. "Second, what did she have in mind? Out of morbid curiosity."

Aqua approached me to make me look at the unwanted guests. Reluctantly, I allowed this as she led me to Kazuma and Yunyun, the latter who shyly offered her a purple crystal ball with a nervous smile.

"I'm so glad you asked!" Aqua proclaimed. "This right here is what's known as a Friendship Crystal. It's supposed to help strengthen, or in this case create, bonds between two people. All you gotta do is hold the crystal with Kazuma, transfer a little of your mana into it, and PRESTO! It'll do something to make you two become friends! Or so I've heard. I don't really know."

"Great sales pitch, Aqua..." Kazuma said sarcastically while pinching the bridge of his nose.

I inspected the dubious magic item for a moment. Admittedly, I marveled at how it looked like there was a miniature galaxy inside of the glass. The bottom rim that held the orb in place was designed to look like an interlinking lock of handshakes to represent the alleged "friendship" aspect of the item. 

It was certainly pretty, no denying that. But looks can be deceiving.

"You got this from Wiz, didn't you?" I asked Yunyun in a flat tone, making the Crimson Demon flush before nodding awkwardly. I just sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose too.

Part of me wanted to instantly refuse. There was no way anything even remotely positive could come from this...but that stupid dull ache in my chest persisted. I grit my teeth for a moment before ultimately relenting.

"Let's just get this over with. Then we can all go our separate ways for the night. Deal?"

"Deal," Kazuma agreed with a tired sigh. Aqua handed him the Bullshit Crystal and I hesitated before touching it along with him, making sure my fingers didn't touch his when doing so. The girls gathered closer to us as we stared at the crystal, seemingly trying to figure out what to do next.

"Okay, uh…Aqua said something about transferring mana into this thing, right?" I mumbled aloud. "I guess I can do that with Drain Touch."

"The Lich skill that started this shit? Fan-fucking-tastic..." Kazuma moaned. "Mind sharing where you even learned it to begin with? Or is that going to lead to another attempt at false imprisonment?"

"GAH! From Wiz, alright! I learned it from watching Wiz!"

Kazuma blinked, clearly not expecting that. "Wiz? The busty, bouncy, boob-a-licious shopkeep Wiz? Seriously!?"

I felt my face heat up from his lack of tact regarding the Lich's assets. "Y-You didn't have to describe her like that, but yeah. She's technically a Devil King General that just wants to sell useless junk to adventurers for a living. I figured explaining that to the royal court would call into question my own moral alignment, so I...well, you know."

Kazuma gave me a stare that was hard to describe; a mix of complicated emotions flashing across his face. Eventually, he settled on closing his eyes and sighing.

"Okay, I'm still pissed at you for trying to throw me under the bus, but...at least I know the reasoning behind it I guess. Wiz is a nice lady, Demon General or no. I wouldn't want undue attention drawn to her either."

Was he making my totally evil and selfish decision seem more noble than it actually was out of spite? Fuck this guy. 

"Hmm…I don't really have a way to transfer my mana into this orb," Kazuma muttered, shifting his focus back to the task at hand. "Guess the best way to do it would be to…"

He trailed off as we both stared at each other for a moment. It would seem we both managed to come to the same, annoying conclusion if the unified groans were any indication.

"Alright, look," I started irritably after I finished my groaning. "Let me drain some of your mana and transfer it for you so we can get this over with. But no handholding. The less I wonder where your grubby little mitts have been, the better."

"Likewise..." Kazuma grumbled as he extended his wrist out for me. "While we're at it, let's also agree to never speak of this again."

With a grunt of agreement, I awkwardly grabbed Kazuma's wrist and activated Drain Touch. I was so used to using this skill under the cover of night on a sleeping Aqua that I actually felt kinda naked doing it in the open with people watching (Darkness salivating over the display did not help). Still, I shoved down any and all emotions as I switched my brain into clinical mode, draining away only some of his -

"AGH! Okay, OKAY – you got it man!" Kazuma hissed suddenly, pulling me out of my thoughts as I realized just how pale he looked. Must've been a little too into the zone there.

I hastily retracted my hand and muttered a half-hearted apology before turning my attention back to the crystal. Slowly, I reached out and started to channel both my mana and his into it…

Just as I was beginning to wonder if this magic item was a dud, the orb began to "spark" this pitch black energy, causing me to stop transferring magic into it.

"Uh…is it supposed to do that?" I asked in a desperate bid for reassurance.

Whatever snide quip Kazuma was prepared to make vanished as a strange, black bubble suddenly engulfed us, stretching out about ten feet in every direction. Flickers of light caught all of our attention as bizarre, magic screens appeared and projected what I could only assume were...memories?

Uh-oh.

Displayed on the first screen that flickered to life, a much younger version of Kazuma was seen standing atop a bench in a bustling playground. He had bandages wrapped around his sleeveless arms and wore a white eyepatch over one of his eyes. At first I assumed he got seriously injured before he started making energetic poses very similar to Megumin. It soon became apparent that this must've been a memory of him back when he was going through a certain "phase".

"Tremble in awe before the reincarnated form of Zenith: Soldier from Beyond the Stars, and he who is destined to slay the Demon Prince in his home dimension!"

"Chuunibyou~! Chuunibyou~!"

All the kids at the park mocked him in a sing-song voice as he continued striking poses, seemingly unfazed.

Present day Kazuma was anything but unfazed, however. 

"Kazuma! Kazuma!" Megumin ecstatically cried over the teen who was too busy dying from cringe. "Is that true? Are you really the reincarnation of a powerful being!? Y'know, I'm pretty sure I was a dark god of destruction in a past life myself~"

Before I could say, do, or think of anything, I caught a flash of another screen in my peripheral vision…and my jaw dropped once I realized it was one of MINE.

In subdued horror, I cringed as I and everyone else got to watch a three-year-old ME step into the bathroom late at night to answer a call from nature. The toilet seat was up at the time and, without looking where he was going, Toddler Jack slipped on a rubber ducky left on the tile floor. The result was him/me diving headfirst into the toilet bowl, arms flailing and legs kicking as the lever accidentally got pulled. Toddler Jack promptly wet himself as he screamed in fear and pain during the whole ordeal.

I babbled helplessly in embarrassment as Aqua's obnoxious laughter grated my ears. Desperate to cleanse my pallet of that traumatic experience, my eyes fell upon another of Kazuma's memories. 

The Kazuma on this screen was older and in some kind of Japanese school uniform. It was either before or after class as all the students in the room where chatting it up with one another. Kazuma was bragging to two fellow nerds (or otakus as they're called in his country) about being on good terms with some girl he apparently knew. 

"Yup, I think she's into me~ Of course, I'm already saving my heart for my childhood friend who promised to marry me. So I'm probably going to have to let her down gently in case she confesses~"

"Hey, your given name wouldn't happen to be Kazuma, would it?" Asked a girl from a nearby clique. "Our friend Yumi's been complaining about a Kazuma flooding her DMs with creepy roleplay requests. He wouldn't stop even after she kicked him out of her clan in Myriad Swords!"

"But I practically carried that team!"

The words came out before he had time to slap his hand over his mouth. The entire class laughed at him. Even the otakus. 

Against my better judgment, my eyes traitorously wandered to another screen, one of mine. It was my first Xiaolin Showdown, and coincidentally the first one I lost. Omi and I were hopping on stone pillars in a race to nab the Eye of Dashi Shen Gong Wu. The cheeseball had just finished taking out my JackBots and Wuya yelled at me to keep moving. The Two-Ton Tunic was slowing the monk down at the time, so I wasn't worried when he managed to haul his heavy ass over to the pillar I was standing on.

"HAHAHAHA! Now that I've defeated you, perhaps you'll respect the genius of JACK SPICER!" 

"Respect THIS!"

That's when Omi pulled down my pants, leaving me in a desperate scramble to pull them back up while the other monks laughed and Wuya screamed as the kid won the race.

Yet another screen filled my vision. Kazuma appeared once more, looking only a few years younger than he was now. But his demeanor was...different. He looked utterly heartbroken, tears welling up in his eyes. After a few seconds, the point of view changed to where I could see a young woman on the back of a bike with another male student. Even I knew enough about romance to make the inference, and admittedly...this one stung a bit differently.

But what stung even more (aside from my losses and failures all being highlighted like a clip show) was seeing the memories I'd made with Chase Young. I realize now that he never respected me, so of fucking course all my interactions with him retroactively turned embarrassing. They all consisted of me fawning over him while he responded with insults and violence. The most recent one of the batch being the ultimate moment where I vented my growing frustrations with Chase and letting it slip that I was in love with him.

After commending my bravery for having the balls to speak to him like that and confirming that he already knew, he ordered his jungle cats to attack. I flew away with my skin ripped to hell and my heart broken in two...

Then the depressing family matters came up. Screens of both our memories whirled by, and I caught glimpses of what we both had to endure on that front.

"Sorry, Jackie, but this business trip to Hawaii is too important for your father and I to ignore," Mom said to a nine-year-old me as she was already halfway out the front door. "But don't worry, we left you enough pizza money to last you a week. Just promise to eat your greens along with them! Bye sweetie, Mommy loves you~!"

She closed the door, leaving nine-year-old me to fend for himself yet again in his large empty mansion. Well, not entirely empty. Little Jack went into the kitchen to meet up with his only company at the time.

"Guess it's just you and me again, Juicy."

"Juicy" was the name of my first fully-functional robot, made from my mom's juicer/blender hybrid when she denied me knife-throwing lessons. He was my first and only friend for a while, as well as the predecessor to all my present day JackBots. Their heads still retained design elements from that autonomous kitchen appliance; a loving homage to my old pal...

Juicy whirred to life, turning his blend and puree switches on and off to speak in Morse code. Before he could finish reassuring Past Jack, however, he short-circuited and shut off completely.

"I'll get the toolbox..."

Kazuma's relationship with his parents didn't seem any better than mine. In fact, you could make the argument that it was almost worse.

"Mom. Dad," Past Kazuma said to his folks with a respectable bow. "I've been doing some thinking and...I would really like it if I could have a little sister."

Mr. and Mrs. Satou looked to each other in shock before the latter addressed their son. "Oh! Uh...well, sweetheart, that's...kind of a big commitment. E-Even if we were ready ourselves, there's no guarantee that it would be a girl -"

"UNLESS you two get a divorce and remarry to someone who already has a daughter!" Past Kazuma disturbingly declared in a proud(?) tone. "Based on my research on some very cultured anime, I've concluded that there is no greater feeling than having a little sister not related by blood call you, 'onii-chan'! So if you could kindly get started on the divorce papers, that'd be...oi, why are you two cracking your knuckles like that?"

You know what? Keele was right about finding the silver lining to things. At least my folks never got physical with me. Granted, the stuff Kazuma said back then was indeed fucked up and deserving of scorn. But the beating that followed might've been overkill...

Also, if I was even halfway paying attention to the girls, I would've noted how they had all stopped laughing by now. 

As I watched my own memories float by, I was suddenly struck by just how illogical this was. How was this living nightmare we were trapped in supposed to make us friends!? All it was doing was making us want to die a second time!

Speaking of death, imagine my surprise when two more screens circled by and actually showed us our fucking deaths on Earth.

Somehow, despite technically not being present for it, Kazuma and I got to see what happened to his body shortly after he died. He was lying on an operating table, a white sheet thankfully tossed over him so I didn't have to see anything possibly grisly. The doctors and nurses were…well, let's just say they were very unprofessional when announcing his death over the phone with his parents. They could be heard laughing just as hard as they were when put on speaker.

But hang on…wasn't that more or less the exact scenario Aqua described to me when I died? Did Kazuma just so happen to be unlucky enough to have that happen to him as well?

That's when I caught a glimpse of one more screen in that cluster, and watched an eerily similar ending play out. I still died in Hong Kong protecting that girl from supposedly getting hit by a truck.

But unlike what Aqua told me...the truck was, in fact, moving and showed no signs of stopping.

In some divine act of mercy, I wasn't shown what was left of me. But judging by the reactions of the paramedics provided by the worm's-eye view of the screen...it wasn't pretty. The scene faded out as reporters and bystanders swarmed the ambulance I was carted away in, leaving me with the strangest sense of disconnected dread.

I finally glanced back at the girls. Their eyes were all glued to the screens, each of them looking to be about as lost for words as a person could be. Hell, Darkness wasn't even getting off to the second-hand embarrassment! She seemingly put her self-degrading fantasies on hold to gawk like an actual normal person. I also noticed Aqua's eyes never left the screen that displayed the aftermath of my death, even after the second loop.

Questions bubbled up within me, embarrassment churning alongside a newfound desperation. Had Aqua lied to me? Had there been some kind of mistake? Was this stupid crystal even really tapping into our memories since it can apparently see past our deaths? All these questions and more had to wait as one last screen swung in front of me, capturing my attention once more.

It was another memory of me losing a Xiaolin Showdown against Omi…except this involved giant red balloons.

Oh no.

"Truth or Lie: Did you really believe me when I agreed to turn good? Or did you just take me in because you wanted to prove your friends wrong?" Past Jack asked Past Omi as he hung onto his balloon with the Lotus Twister.

"I believed you. And you disappointed me. Deeply..." Past Omi admitted sadly as his balloon turned around to confirm he wasn't lying.

No, no, no, no, NO! Not this one, not while my team was watching! Where the fuck did I put that crossbow!?

"Really? Well...you shouldn't have! I was planning to turn on you all along!"

In a flash of anger, I pulled out my high-tech crossbow and aimed at the screen, firing an ArrowBot at it before the balloon or Omi could call me out on that moment of weakness. The one where I doubted myself as a villain...

"You -"

The arrow pierced the screen, cutting off the feed to that damn memory. The magic monitor fizzled away into nothingness shortly thereafter. Full disclosure, I didn't think that would actually work, so I was kinda left standing there in mild shock when it did.

There was a moment of silence after that, even as other screens continued to appear and spin around us in an endless whirlpool of bad memories. I managed a glance back at Kazuma. The look of utter despair resting on his face was not dissimilar to my own...

Then, with delayed reaction, his gaze shifted between my crossbow and the empty space where the monitor I shot used to be. Since his face already looked so miserable, it was easy enough for me to tell how it noticeably lit up soon after. Kazuma whipped out a bow and arrow and aimed for a screen depicting a memory of him almost getting arrested for public urination of all things.

"Snipe!"

Just like before, the moment the screen was pierced, it shattered, fizzling out of existence as if it'd never been there.

Our gazes met once more. In that moment, there was the strangest sense of understanding...and maybe even a touch of unity.

Kazuma and I both drew our ranged weapons and proceeded to go to town on the remaining screens. Arrows shattered our shared sources of embarrassment with all the ease of a finger snap.

It felt cathartic laying waste to projections of our lowest points in life. And while I wasn't totally sure (what with me being too busy shooting down my embarrassing memories), I think there might've been a moment where Kazuma and I had our backs pressed against each other like a pair of badasses in a high-stakes action movie. Again, not super sure given the heat of the moment, but I don't think either of us would've mind regardless.

Within the next thirty seconds, the dozens of screens around us shattered away into the void. Kazuma and I then turned to the source of our misery and planted two arrows into it, one from each of us. The crystal slowly cracked before shattering altogether, dispelling the weird void dome that'd been surrounding us and finally ending the nightmare.

Silence overtook over the lair, save for the clattering of my crossbow after I let my grip on it go limp. The horrible trip down memory lane was over, but I still felt hot and dizzy.

"I'm, uh…think I'm gonna lie down fer a bit…" I slurred as I dragged my feet across the lab, barely making it past Kazuma before collapsing on the floor. I sincerely hope me getting KO'd doesn't become a new habit while I'm in this world.

Chapter Text

When I woke back up, the first thing I registered was that whatever I was lying on was a helluva lot softer than the floor.

Sitting up, I realized I'd been moved to my bed in my room upstairs. I rubbed my eyes as my body started to wake me up, pinching the bridge of my nose as I struggled to recall exactly what happened before I passed out.

"Oh, hey, he's awake," I heard Megumin's voice say. Groaning, I sat up to find my party plus Kazuma and Yunyun all huddled in my room, doing what they could to make themselves comfortable. "How you feeling, Jack?"

"…indifferent…" I moaned, rubbing my slightly aching forehead. "God, I didn't get drunk a second time, did I?"

"Not even close," Kazuma huffed, catching my attention as he leaned on the far wall with his arms crossed. "Getting drunk would've been a blessing compared to what that stupid crystal did."

My face scrunched up in confusion before the last thing I remembered came back to me. "Oh yeah…that's a lot to unpack, isn't it?" I sighed as I pulled my legs up and hugged them. "I'm not sure where to even begin with all that."

"Join the club. Not having too good of a time with it myself," Kazuma replied while averting his gaze, shifting a little against the wall.

Another beat of silence followed. The girls looked between us, not quite sure what to do either from the looks of it. After a few seconds, though, I forced myself to speak.

"So your parents sucked too, huh?"

Kazuma glanced back at me when I said that, face unreadable. "They...weren't always that bad. I'll admit, I kinda set myself up for that one, and I'm still mad that they laughed at my death. But...shit, I don't even really know how to feel."

"Not that it's a contest, but at least my folks had the decency to say, 'I love you,' before they left their toddler to fend for himself. Yours literally beat you up...even if it was kinda deserved."

"They..." Kazuma tried to find his words, failed, but babbled on anyway in frustration. "Fuck! They're the ones that paid for my school tuition, okay!? And what did I do to thank them for trying to make sure I get a good education? Waste their money by becoming a hikikomori!"

"A what?" I couldn't help but ask, confused by his Japanese term.

"A shut-in! NEET! Recluse! Hermit! There's a million different names for it!" Kazuma clarified in exasperation. Just when I thought he was going on a rant, however, he calmed himself down enough to lower his voice.

"You already saw what my school life was like, so don't act so surprised. Between the bullying and my old childhood crush moving on without me, I just...couldn't handle it anymore. I stopped attending school after a while and snuck back into the house to play video games, even when my parents were notified of my absences. But, for whatever reason, they just decided to let me rot in peace. Never knew why nor did I have the courage to ask them. Probably disgraced the family name if I had to guess. Whatever. Not it like it matters now that I'm finally out of their hair..."

Part of me wanted to point out how at least some of Kazuma's problems in his last life could be attributed to him. But I held my tongue because, deep down, I could relate to all the other shit that wasn't his fault; the stuff that was out of his control. In his own weird (albeit kinda perverted) way, he was just trying to fit in. Not unlike me back in my early days, which he no doubt saw flash before his eyes like it did mine.

In some ways, we really were in the same loner boat, weren't we?

"...school's overrated anyway," I said in an attempt to try and lighten the mood. "Even if you're not a genius like me, the educational system is just plain flawed. I dunno how it is in Japan, but in America? Pffft! I'm almost surprised my country made it as one of the global superpowers!"

That actually earned an amused snort from Kazuma. "Won't argue with ya there. And it's not like I learned all that much when I was still attending classes. I wouldn't call myself a 'genius' but I'm obviously not dumb if my Intelligence stat has anything to say. Maybe you're onto something about the system being flawed."

"Just one of the many reasons why I want to rule the world, if only to not let dumb people keep ruling it. By the way, your evil monologuing from your your youth could use some serious work. Sounded more heroic than villainous."

"God, the two chuunis just had to see my own chuuni phase..." Kazuma groaned into his hands, making me slightly annoyed with his implications. "But for the record, that's because my persona was meant to be a hero. At least in his 'home dimension'. It's not always about cursed evil eyes, even if I did wear the eyepatch." 

"If I didn't give away my own seal to one of Jack's robots, I'd take offense to that," Megumin couldn't help but butt in.

Kazuma and I both chuckled at that. But Megumin speaking up reminded me that the girls were still present, and one in particular was very keen on averting her gaze from us.

"Oh, by the way, AQUA," I started with an intent glare, mildly pleased seeing the goddess jump in fear upon being outed. "Care to explain exactly how I died again? Last I checked, I was told I kicked the bucket in the most humiliating fashion and had people laugh over my corpse. But something about that truck running me over didn't exactly scream stopped to me. And how come Kazuma's aftermath more closely matches the story you gave me, huh?"

Aqua shifted from foot to foot, a surprisingly subdued frown on her face as she laced her hands together. When she finally offered an answer, her tone was softer than usual, and far more composed.

"So...I might've accidentally mixed up your files when you both died? Or one of the pencil pushers in the Background Department gave me the wrong ones? I-I don't know, but I'm really sorry! I honestly didn't mean to lie to you about that..."

It was so rare to see Aqua look and sound genuinely regretful over her actions. So much so that it was enough for me to drop the glare momentarily to stare at her with uncertainty.

"So you didn't mean to lie about my death, but you were still willing to laugh over it like those doctors and nurses? What gives!?"

"Look, I just...it was easier to dissociate back then, okay!? Gods aren't exactly instructed to take every single human death and turn it into a spectacle!" Aqua defended, still looking fairly upset as she balled her fists. "I know what I did was shitty, but I didn't know you back then! Not like I do now! It was...hard to care. Because if I let myself slip even once, I'd have to care about every lost soul that came my way…"

Wow. I…never thought of it like way. What she said to me (and by extension Kazuma) still kinda hurt but, at the same time, I also get where she was coming from. If the Grim Reaper had to choose between weeping over every lost soul or being a callous dick to them, I'd imagine he's gonna choose the one that makes his job go faster. That's simply the detached nature of productivity. And I should know, I come from a business family.

"Look, Aqua, I'm not gonna say I'm cool with what you said back there...because I'm not. But I'm also not really that mad at you either," I admitted, offering her a small smile as she eased up a bit. "I can't speak for Green Bean, of course, but I at least see where you're coming from. As far as I'm concerned, we're cool."

The water goddess sighed a great big sigh, her body visibly becoming less rigid in the process. She raked a hand through her blue hair as she smiled softly at me. "Thanks, Jack. I know I may not be the smartest or most considerate sometimes, but I do try my best! It's not easy being a goddess, contrary to popular belief."

"Yeah, I sorta figured. I love power as much as the next guy, but there comes a point where it becomes...overwhelming sometimes," I replied, taking a second to consider my own goals. World domination was right in the sweet spot where I wanted it; just enough control without making life utterly boring.

After addressing Aqua, I turned to address the third party. "Oh yeah, probably should clarify that she really is a goddess. In case that wasn't apparent to you."

"I put two and two together a while ago," Kazuma said in an oddly chill manner. "Don't get me wrong, it was hard for me to fully accept it at first with that awful personality of hers."

"What was that, otaku?" Aqua growled ever so slightly. Kazuma seemed unfazed as he kept going.

"But the longer we hung out...I dunno, it just became a lot more clear over time. That, and I've never seen a normal person puke rainbows after a night of too many drinks. With all that in mind, I'm with Jack: I'm not too mad about the mix-up you made. Hell, it was kind of a blessing in disguise given the whole...y'know."

"In my defense, I wasn't the one who had to sort out all the documentation back in the Heavenly Realm. I just look over what I'm handed prior to guiding a soul," Aqua defended, a small blush tinting her cheeks as she crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. "It doesn't happen often but every millennium or so something slips through the cracks. I was just as confused as you two were, so don't go saying this mix up was squarely on me, ya hear!?"

"Didn't you admit you glossed over Jack's alleged file when it mentioned he was the loner type?" Megumin asked the Blue Thing out of the blue.

"...fine, so there was a bit of user error involved!" Aqua huffed, getting more embarrassed as she crossed her arms and pouted like normal. "I already said I was sorry! You guys don't all have to pile on!"

I simply let her off with a dismissive hand wave. It was just Aqua being Aqua. My friend was like a slow puppy: you couldn't really stay mad at her and she was admittedly adorable when doing her best. Well, actually, she was supernaturally hot being a literal goddess from heaven. But I guess there truly is something to be said about a personality making all the difference.

My gaze went back to Kazuma, and we looked at each other for a moment before things became uncomfortable again. Now that what happened with the "Friendship Crystal" happened…what exactly did that make us now?

Well, I'd come to my own conclusion soon enough once Kazuma worked up the nerve first to say something first. "Look, man, I'm gonna level with you: I don't actually hate you as much as I try telling myself. I still think you're a Grade A asshole, but I've also met worse people both here and back home. Although I have come to realize now that you and I are still two very different people, despite some overlap. Regardless, I wanna bury the hatchet between us; start with a clean slate. We don't have to be 'best friends' or anything cliché like that, but I'd rather we both learn to get along. If for no other reason than that we're two Earth humans surviving in this crazy world together. So…whaddya say?"

Always with the complicated social human stuff, wasn't it? I blew out some air as I leaned back on my bed rest, placing my hands in my lap as I mulled over what to say back.

"I'm…not the best when it comes to deciphering my own feelings, let alone others'. I can read my JackBots like open books but can't read the room to save my life. Sometimes literally. That said, after everything that's happened between us…I just don't think staying mad at you is worth it anymore. It's only been making me stressed and bummed out whenever I do. You can be annoying and you kinda give me the creeps, but I'm man enough to admit that I may have crossed the line with almost getting you arrested."

"'May have'?"

"You try finding a loophole with a magic lie-detector on the spot!" I bit back in defense before willing myself to settle back down. "Anyway, um...I guess do sort of appreciate you looking out for me here and there. Whether it's jumping in to help fight a Demon General or just giving me your advice on something. So...thanks."

Kazuma looked at me weirdly for a moment, probably somewhat put off by my shaky attempt at an apology (something I've been good at). If he had a sardonic comeback in mind, he didn't voice it, instead opting to give a quick nod.

"I guess a late thanks is better than no thanks at all. Just glad we can put an end this pointless beef. Although I wish we could've done that without one of Wiz's products opening up old wounds."

"Tell me about it…" I groaned sympathetically. "Reliving all those failed Xiaolin Showdowns was not fun. I came here to get away from that old life, but looks like the multiverse just doesn't want me to escape my past!"

"Oh yeah, that reminds me...YOU NEVER MENTIONED MAGIC EXSISTED ON EARTH!" Kazuma suddenly blew up, my musings having sparked a fire within him over the topic. "Seriously, how the fuck did I never hear about this before!? I literally watched you get turned into a cactus in one memory!"

"I dunno," I supplied with a half-shrug. "But yeah, Earth has magic: ghosts, witches, cyclopes, cursed war lords, mystical Chinese artifacts, the whole shebang. Hell, the planet got conquered on two separate occasions while we were alive. I even have a firsthand account on both. Were you really that much of a shut-in to have not noticed?"

Kazuma didn't respond. He slowly assumed a fetal position on the floor while Yunyun looked on in worry.

"Ugh, please don't speak about the whole 'conquered Earth' incident," Aqua groaned with a head shake. "It was a whole thing up in the Heavenly Realm, heads were rolling. We couldn't focus on work for weeks, and because it started in Asia, I got yelled at for it even though I was just as clueless as everyone else! So not fair!"

"Huh. So you really were aware of all that stuff then," I mused out loud to the goddess. Should've been obvious in hindsight but…this was Aqua we were dealing with here. "Does that also mean you're aware of Shen Gong Wu? They are supposed to maintain balance on Earth, or so I've been told."

"Yeah, I'm aware of them. And whoever told you that doesn't know what they're talking about," Aqua said with a roll of the eyes. "Some 'Grand Master' guy tapped into my realm's mana fifteen-hundred years ago and made his own magic items with it. He totally ripped off the cheats we give to reincarnates. We even had to put up signs to warn newbie gods not to let in that con man!"

"I KNEW there was something weird about those cheats you showed me!" I exclaimed in excitement. My suspicions were confirmed! "So Shen Gong Wu really are the knockoffs, huh? Guess the Xiaolin Order isn't so high and mighty after all!"

A quiet yet strained grunt distracted me from my moment of evil self-righteousness. Oh yeah, Kazuma was still grappling with the whole "Earth-getting-conquered-twice-and-magic-always-being-a-thing" thing.

"Kazuma, it's going to be okay," Yunyun reassured him in a soft yet surprisingly firm tone, similar to how Darkness would speak whenever the situation called for it. "I may not know how you thought your world was supposed to work – hell, I'm still coming to grips with Earth being a world and not a country like I thought – but it shouldn't matter regardless. That was then, this is now. As long as we have each other, we can overcome anything. You've been there for me more times than I can count, so it's only fair that I be there for you when you need it, like right now."

"Where has this stalwart Yunyun been the whole time...?" I overheard Megumin mutter to herself. 

Gradually, Kazuma seemed to ease up a bit, the terror seemingly leaving his eyes and being replaced with a look of understanding. "Y-Yeah...you're right. That was a lot to take in all at once is all. Thanks, Yun. Really glad to have you as a friend."

Despite having been Kazuma's partner for a while now, Yunyun still froze in intense joy at being called a friend while also being flustered as hell.

"Well, R.I.P. Stalwart Yunyun. We hardly knew ye," Megumin said sadly while taking off her hat for a moment of silence.

"Megumin, that's not funny!" The flustered Crimson Demon cried to her on-again, off-again rival.

"Hey, don't worry, Green Bean. I get it" I assured my fellow Earthling as the two wizards had their debate. "As a man of science, I was freaked out by the discovery of magic too, especially when Wuya first materialized in my lab. But y'know, after a while, I learned to accept and even tolerate it. If it makes you feel any better, I've studied enough Shen Gong Wu to develop a scientific foundation on the field of magic. It's shaky but I have discovered some method to the madness, and that's what helped me through the coping process. Maybe that'll help put your mind a little at ease?"

"Definitely appreciate the offer. I might even take you up on that in the future. But for now...I think I'm going to go the willful ignorance route," Kazuma replied, offering me a weak smile while shrugging his shoulders loosely. "Push it outta my mind for the foreseeable future and try not think about it. I'll let you know when that stops working and you can share your findings."

"Cool. Wouldn't mind having someone other than a robot to talk about science shit with," I said with a smirk, one which soon faded into an awkward thin line as I scratched the back of my neck. "Sooo…I guess our business is done here, isn't it?"

"Yeah, guess it is," Kazuma agreed, equally awkward in his delivery, as if he too had just realized how weird it felt to finally be chill between us. After a moment, he finally got up off the ground and gestured Yunyun to head to the door with him. "Guess I'll see you around, Goggles."

In spite of myself, I snorted and responded with my own brand of evil snark. "Don't let the door hit ya on the way out, Green Bean."

With a stifled groan, Kazuma made his retreat with his partner in tow, leaving me and the girls alone in my room. Surprisingly, I felt a lot better after we'd managed to reach a consensus on our current standing, It felt good to have that nemesis spot back open for someone more worthy.

"Well, I guess everything worked out in the end!" I cheered lightly, turning to my team and flashing them a refreshed grin of relief.

Unfortunately, that grin wouldn't last long when I noticed how the girls suddenly looked antsy.

"Oh no, I recognize those faces. Those are the 'we need to have a little chat' faces, aren't they? You should know by now I don't exactly care for those."

"Sorry, Jack, but there was something we felt should be discussed after Kazuma and Yunyun left," Darkness apologized, lacing her hands together and staring me down with just a bit too much worry my liking. "About that first memory you destroyed, the one with the balloons and the yellow boy with the round head...you seemed particularly upset by it."

Crap...

"Yeah, well...it was another one of my losses. You saw for yourself how many of those I had, I just got fed up with looking at 'em," I stated plainly, arms crossed and head facing away from the Crusader. "And for future reference, the talking cheeseball's name is Omi. He's one of the monks I told you about."

"Jack, I know you don't like the touchy-feely stuff, but we can't help but be concerned here," Megumin sighed, shooting me a pointed look as I glanced back in their direction. "Something about that memory, above the rest, made you lash out. What was it?"

"You know, prying into my personal baggage even after you saw it all on film is cruel. Even by my standards," I said bluntly, doing my best to steady my voice as my underarms began to sweat from the pressure my friends were putting on me. Why must they do this?

"Jack, please! We just...we only want to help! Or at the very least understand why you're troubled," Darkness insisted with slight agitation. However, no sooner had her frustration flared, it was gone. It melted away as her eyes softened and the walls guarding my shameful secret threatened to crumble. "I know you don't have to tell us anything, and at the end of the day we can't force you to...but we'd certainly appreciate it if you did?"

I sucked in a shaky breath, bringing my legs up to hug them again. The truth was that a part of me really did want to tell them about it. Desperately so. They were my first real friends, and that memory was something that's always haunted me in the back of my mind. I wanted some proper closure on it.

The only problem? My first real friends were good guys who still technically don't believe in or appreciate my evilness. If I told them that I once tried to turn good out of my own free will, they'd never let me hear the end of it. I don't want to be good, dammit, I want to be evil! But I also want to keep my friends, even if they were good guys! The fuck do I even do!?

…

Bury my face in my knees and start sobbing quietly, that's what. Like the indecisive coward I was.

"Hey, hey! It's okay, it's okay. Sorry," I heard Megumin soothe me as I made an effort to level my crying. "Sorry for sticking our noses where they don't belong. If it's that touchy of a subject, consider it dropped. No reason to tear yourself apart over it."

"…but I wanna talk about it though…" I admitted shamefully through a whimper.

"You don't have to rush yourself for our sake. That was wrong of us, and we should've known better," Darkness assured me, her voice soft as could be. "Take as long as you need. You only need tell us if you want to, and if you don't, that's fine too."

Steeling myself, I pulled my face out of my knees to look up at my friends. They…really did look like they give a shit as much as they sound like it. While I still don't fully understand why they'd be this intent on putting up with me, I was still grateful for it all the same. In fact, kinda like Darkness, I sorta viewed them all as part of my family. And I really wanted to confide in them like one too.

Even so…

"N-No, I…wanna tell you, really. It's just that…" I paused, barely able to make eye contact with any of them as I worked up the nerve to continue. "I'm scared you're gonna use what I tell you as ammunition to judge me…"

"We won't do that to you. I swear it on my holy powers," Aqua swore, sharing the same tone and strength as the others, resolute and caring with her words. I knew she meant it but I still wasn't sure I could even get the words out. I've never told anyone other than the JackBots about this…

"A-Alright. I'll tell you then," I sighed, already feeling tired even though the hardest part had yet to come. "But in order to explain the memory, you need to know the context leading up to it. So if you hate long stories, now's your chance to back out."

The girls all gazed at each other and, in a wordless exchange I could only hope to imagine, turned back to me with a unified nod. This was going to be a hard one to talk about...but I wasn't going to run from it any longer.

"Your loss," I chuckled humorlessly before locking my eyes to my knees. "It all started when I was trying to make a second RoboJack. The first one double-crossed me – his programming must've adapted my own insecurities or something – and I wanted to give him another shot because the thought of building a robot that didn't like me bothers me. I know installing emotion chips is a double-edged sword like that but still. Anyway, Chase contacted me shortly after and offered me an apprenticeship, the catch being I had to compete with another villain to nab the next Shen Gong Wu. Being the stupid, lovesick boy that I was, I hauled ass with RoboJack in tow. Guess my feelings for the lizard also carried over into his programming. Either way, I lost the apprenticeship but 'won his pity' as he so lovingly put it. God, I still can't believe I ever had a crush on that dick! Even if he was admittedly handsome in his human form..."

"I know you're telling a personal story right now, but that last part was TMI," Aqua interrupted with a disgusted face and a tongue sticking out. "From what you've told us before, Chase sounds like he has an unholy stench wafting off him at all times."

Despite the interruption, Aqua's blatant diss on my ex-crush actually earned a short but genuine laugh out of me. "Heh! Yeah, I guess so. I mean, if he did, I never noticed like with Wuya. Maybe I'd need a godly nose to pick up on it or something."

After coming down from the moment of levity, I carried on with the story. "Anyway, the shit cherry on top of that disaster of a day was RoboJack locking me out of the house just to spite me. And on the one day my mom was back home making cookies too. With my spirits lower than they've ever been, I took a long, hard walk out in the countryside to reflect on all my failures. I've doubted myself before, sure, but this…this self-doubt hit different. My mind was going places that scared me. I guess you could say I was having a midlife crisis at age fifteen. If I failed at being normal and I failed at being evil, then what was left for Jack Spicer at that point? Before I realized it, I had wandered to the Xiaolin Temple where the monks lived. That's when Omi suggested I train as a monk and turn good against his friends' objections. A-And I was so desperate and sad and lonely at the time that I…I…"

My face burned red hot shame. I rested my forehead on my knees as I forced myself to let slip what I knew the girls would latch onto forever.

"I actually took him up on the offer…"

The silence was deafening. Half of me wished it was because they got bored and left while the other half was praying they were still there and not plotting to exploit my insecurities. Whatever the case, I decided to blast through the rest in growing irritation just to fill the silence.

"Biggest mistake of my life. If those Xiaolin Losers really wanted to turn me good, they did a piss-poor job at it. Raimundo, Clay, Kimiko, they all mocked and belittled me as I worked my ass off doing everybody's chores. And Omi - GAH! That pretentious twerp was the worst! He kept shoving his stupid goody-two-shoes, honor and valor ethos down my throat while I was trying to do my best not to think about where the hell my life was going. Not a day later and I finally came back to my senses. First chance I got, I stole their Wu and bounced. But, as fate would have it, Omi came to confront me personally and we initiated a Xiaolin Showdown: Truth or Lie. Those giant balloons you saw in that memory? They pop when you get caught lying. As you've probably inferred by now, Omi genuinely believed in me when I agreed to turn good and wasn't just doing it to prove his friends wrong. And when I said I had planned to betray them the whole time? Well…now you know why I wanted to shoot that screen before it could finish playing."

I felt just as alone now as I did back then, even if the girls were likely still patiently waiting for me to finish venting. If anything, they were probably too fixated on the fact that there was a very brief moment in my life where I legitimately considered turning good to be listening any further. Still, I added in one last piece of my mind before resigning myself to whatever they had planned.

"But you know what? Even if that dumb balloon said he wasn't lying about believing in me, I like to personally think he was. Because let's face it: if Omi really believed in me, he would've kept being obnoxious about me coming back after I returned to my evil roots. Instead, he and the others took actual, sadistic DELIGHT in taking turns beating me till I was on the verge of blacking out. It got to the point where they even made their own sport out of it, with their pet dragon keeping a fucking SCOREBOARD! If you noticed a memory of the monks wailing on me while stripping my clothes as 'prizes', just so you know…that was a solid year after the Truth or Lie Showdown. It's almost evil enough to make a bad guy like me blush..."

I slumped back onto my bed, emotionally drained from both the Friendship Crystal and the shameful recounting. Now the girls knew, and I was left waiting for some kind of reaction; anything to show that they understood or didn't blame me or judge me or...just something to make the dull ache in my chest feel less awful!

And eventually...I got a proper response.

"Bastards…"

That one word. One of the last things I expected Megumin to say, truthfully, and with such venom too. It was enough to make me sit upright.

The vengeful sneer on her face along with the fiery red glow from her eyes was more than enough to spook me.

"How fucking DARE those bastards do that to you! To ANYONE! Disgraceful, the very epitome of underhanded and smarmy!" She seethed, fists clenched so tight her knuckles were as white as my skin. "I was raised on the principles of respecting your comrades, of looking out for those who need it most! The fact those monks not only pushed you aside and failed you as teachers, but continued to FIGHT YOU afterwards!?"

I was truly at a loss for words. I had such a difficult time trying to find my voice that I only barely managed to push through the first sentence. "I, uh, err...well, yeah, I mean…you know how good guys are when -"

"Oh, the HELL they were!" Megumin cut me off with a scary flash in her crimson eyes. "No 'good guys' should stoop to that kind of level! EVER! It's completely unacceptable! They don't deserve to be called that, not after what they did to you! It was wrong and you deserve to be treated better!"

O-Oh. Wow. Megumin meant that? That's…heh, well, kinda flattering honestly. Like really fucking nice to hear a friend say that about me, y'know?

I snapped myself out of my happy thoughts when I realized something. "Wait, but the monks work to safeguard Shen Gong Wu from the clutches of evil. They even saved the Earth when it got conquered twice. If you're saying they're not good guys and I'm saying they're not bad guys…what the hell is that supposed to make them?"

"People, Jack! They're just people! People who treated you like shit because they could!" Megumin shot back, the slightest bit of her edge fading as she continued. "Life isn't always so black and white, dude. People can do good things and still be bad, and people can do bad things for the right reasons. It's not always so clear-cut as you might think. The world's complicated like that..."

Wait...she's talking about gray morality, isn't she? Yeah, I've absorbed enough games and TV shows and books to pick up on the concept. I'm not stupid, I know it's a concept that exists. It's just…I don't know, it never quite appealed to me as the vibrant and colorful evil side I guess. Plus, morally gray/ambiguous/questionable characters were always a mixed bag for me personally. You get some interesting ones, no doubt, but others make you wanna scream at them to just pick a side and stick with it. With evil (and I suppose good if we're being fair), at least things are consistent, just like me!

…

The fact I wasn't totally feeling that started to gnaw on my worries…

Thankfully, the familiar pang of self-doubt faded when I was suddenly embraced in a bone-crushing hug courtesy of Darkness. On second thought, I wasn't sure if that was a blessing or a curse as I could feel myself losing precious oxygen.

"I'm so sorry those monks treated you so poorly, Jack! If I could somehow suck the suffering you've endured out of you and take it in your place, I'd do it in a heartbeat!"

For once, I didn't get the impression Darkness meant that in a pervy way. She truly sounded remorseful. I mean, sure, she'd probably still get a kick out of it. But that's beside the point.

Anyway, I'm asphyxiating.

"Dark…air…LUNGS…!" I wheezed out, prompting the insanely strong woman to release me from her death hug. Although given some of the things I've survived through in this world, I think I can say that wouldn't have been the more horrible way to go. "Thanks…for both releasing me and the kind words."

"Of course. And again, I'm sorry for what you had to go through," Darkness replied, putting a hand to my shoulder and giving me a small smile. "I swear to you, on my oath as a holy Crusader, I shall never disrespect you in a manner as heinous as those monks. Should I ever go back on my word in any way, kick me to the curb without hesitation. Or better yet, brutally punish me to make us even!"

"Implying you would berate and beat me just to get a kink fulfilled?" I asked while making sure to raise an eyebrow.

"Ah...sad thing is, I can't really blame you for thinking that..." She admitted shamefully(?) while looking away. At least she's becoming self-aware.

Anyway, if these ladies keep this up, I was gonna start blushing like an idiot. Speaking of which…what was going on with Aqua?

"Those monks should be thankful I'm not up in Heaven anymore," She murmured to herself, making me flinch when I noticed the cold glaze in her eyes. It wasn't outright scary like Megumin's, but more like...a scientist watching lab rats. "I could smite their stupid temple, or flood it with one heck of a storm. Oh, the ways to get back at them…"

"Uh…Omi's supposed to be, like, the Xiaolin Dragon of Water or something?" I commented stupidly and admittedly fearfully. 

She merely exhaled through her nose and smirked sinisterly. "What's a dragon to a goddess anyway...?"

Goddamn. Aqua was like a completely different person when she was sincerely pissed.

When the vengeful goddess finally looked back over to me, her demeanor dramatically and instantly softened. She must've been so absorbed in her own evil revenge plots that she didn't fully register me talking to her. It...was kind of awe-inspiring after the initial shock died down. I didn't know she had it in her!

Aqua walked over to where I was sitting on the bed, offering me a surprisingly serious look before addressing me. "Jack-sama, I swear to you on my holy powers and stature of godhood that I will stand by your side as your ally. So long as you'll have me, of course."

Woah…talk about heavy. It's so weird, whenever you hear normally unserious people say stuff like that, it really just makes you go -

"Damn…" I muttered softly, feeling a familiar wetness begin to form in the corner of my eyes. "I-I don't know what to say. I wish I knew but I'm not super good with words…"

"You don't have to say anything...though a yes wouldn't hurt~" Aqua replied, a small smile rising on her face before she reached out and patted my head. "We're more than just teammates, Jack. We're like a family! And I promise that we'll do everything in our power to help you."

Family. Just like what Darkness said. Aqua thought that too apparently. Does that also mean…?

I was given my answer when I felt two small arms snake their way around my torso. A certain Crimson Demon looked up to give me a bright, silly smile. Her eyes glowed more softly compared to when she was steaming over the monks' past treatment of me.

"Ditto on the family thing, in case it wasn't obvious!"

At that moment, I suddenly felt...strange. Happy, honestly, more so than ever before. I wouldn't have expected it given the damn ride that crystal put me on, but I was happy, nonetheless. The girls were my family now. Nothing was going to change that.

As Aqua and Darkness joined in on the group hug, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to cry. Not the loud, ugly cry I was usually mocked for but simply a silent, happy cry. My mascara was almost definitely runny at this point, but I couldn't care less. I finally felt safe. And I made sure to let the girls know it with two simple words:

"Thank you…"

Chapter Text

So…it would seem the rumors were true after all.

Jack Spicer, self-proclaimed evil genius, was dead and gone. Sacrificed himself to save a random girl from becoming a new hood ornament, if what Smiley said was to be believed.

I believe it. Since the day we met in the Ying-Yang World, I could tell that boy was just one generation shy from being good. And his death was the smoking gun. "Super evil," he'd say? Bah!Super evil my non-existent foot.

Even so…there was somethin' about all this that didn't quite sit right with me. While Jack being dead was a fact I was more than content to live with, a few things didn't add up. Most notably what Smiley told that shape-shifting android regarding certain data files disappearing after their master's death:

"We attempted several recovery and tracking methods but came up empty handed. It has me concerned that someone was able to infiltrate our systems and reach them without leaving a trace..."

I may not be Tech Support, but I knew enough about computers to find that strange myself. For as much of a twit as Jack was, the boy knew his machines like nobody else. Hell, it was his own tech that helped me convert myself into pure energy a few months back. No matter how socially inept he may have been, he was undoubtedly a master of his craft.

So how in Sam Hill were memory files of his robots extracted without a trace? And more importantly: why? Shortly after his supposed demise no less.

Call it a demon's hunch, but I had the funny feeling that somethin' more was goin' on around here, somethin' big. And I was heading to the Xiaolin Temple to see if they had a scroll in their archives that could lend some credence to an admittedly farfetched theory I had.

My bird, Ying-Ying, suddenly screeched as she stopped flying in the direction we were heading and circled around in the air. I tried to soothe her, gently stroking her feathers with my tentacles while speaking in a non-threatening tone.

"Easy there, girl, I'm here. What's the matter, huh?"

Ying-Ying still seemed upset as she soared down onto a nearby hilltop, upon which I started to get a hint of what had her so spooked.

I could see – no, feel Heylin magic firing off in the distance, in the direction of our destination. Seems like we weren't the only ones struck curious by recent events.

"Hmm. We must be getting sloppy if that Xiaolin dropout and his double-crossing harpy got the news before us," I murmured as I continued to stroke my feathered companion, still restless from the dark chi permeating the area. "Ying-Ying, you have better eyes than me. Would you kindly project what's goin' on down here for me to see? Observation's the name of the game."

Ying-Ying complied after a few seconds, projecting what she could see onto the ground before me with her magic vision. Chase Young and Wuya were taking the fight directly to the monks, with a handful of jungle cats in tow. The do-gooders didn't seem to be having much luck at the moment, practically throwing themselves at their attackers with visible desperation, obvious from even my viewpoint.

"Huh. Must be serious if they ain't toyin' with them this time around," I remarked, insidious thoughts already forming in my head as I smelled potential. "Ying-Ying, I think I'd like you to take me in for a closer look."

My pet cut off the projection and cawed with uncertainty as she glanced between me and the warzone down below.

"I promise to treat ya to some crackers when we get home for being such a brave girl~"

With only some amount of trepidation, Ying-Ying made an agreeable caw and allowed me back on before taking off into the sky. She flew us above the temple to allow me a proper gander at the chaos below.

Sure enough, the Heylin's most infamous heavy hitters were in the middle of fending off attacks from the Xiaolin Monks, with Chase's cursed warriors playing support roles. Raimundo was doing an admittedly commendable job keeping his team organized and fueling the fighting spirit. But it was clear the young ones were losing steam. They were pushing their Wudai weapons and skills to their limit just to keep the intruders relatively at bay.

Almost makes you wonder how a full-on Heylin assault went bust when all it took was two peeved-off immortals to get the job done. Then again, our kind needs a really strong motivation to take things seriously. And when you're incapable of relishing in the sweet release of death, you're mostly resigned to watch the world burn.

But surely Jack Spicer isn't that spark of motivation here, is it?

Suddenly, a flicker of movement caught my eye. Soon enough I came across a mighty interesting sight: Master Fung himself, along with his cowardly pet dragon, Dojo. The old-timer calmly stepped out of one of the buildings as though there wasn't a battle raging in his courtyard. Now this oughta be good~

"Master Fung!" Raimundo called out, chest heaving and sweat dripping from his hair. "I know you're not exactly a spring chicken, but we could really use the assist, man! They're after the Shen Gong Wu!"

"Spare me your accusations, Wind Dragon!" Chase barked, holding his hand up to signal his pets to back off, confusing the monks a great deal. "We were never here for your precious little trinkets. That much would've been obvious had you not immediately pounced on us the moment we arrived."

"In our defense, you rarely visit just to make polite conversation," Raimundo's fiery little girlfriend, Kimiko, bit back in between breathes. "And bringing along your 'house cats' didn't ease the tension either."

Chase rolled his eyes along with Wuya before both of their gazes were aimed at Master Fung, stoic as ever while the reptile perched upon his shoulder flinched.

"You…you know why we are here, old man…" Chase said cryptically.

"That I believe I do," The master replied equally as cryptic, stone-faced and unwavering in the face of this unprecedented attack. "You come seeking answers for questions far more critical than what first appeared...and I believe that such answers are deserved."

With comedic timing, the battle-hardened monks collectively gawked at their teacher. It's easy to forget sometimes that these mighty warriors were still just growing teenagers at the end of it all.

"But Master Fung!" Omi cried. "Wuya and Chase are sworn enemies to the Xiaolin Order! What if they are using underhanded trickery to lure us into a false sense of security?"

"I know that of which they seek, Omi. And I have no intention of keeping it from them any longer. From all of you," Master Fung replied, expression holding strong except for the slightest waver in his poker face. "Ask what you have come to ask, Young."

"Why did Grand Master Dashi and Master Monk Guan try to kidnap Wuya's child fifteen-hundred years ago?" Chase asked with all the bluntness of a bullhorn. I cracked a toothy grin at the monks' look of utter shock and the witch's noticeable grimace at the mention of her dead son. "And why was I left in the dark about this? Depending on your answer, I may just leave you and the rest of this sullied temple intact by the time I depart."

A tense silence fell over all. Not even the loud-mouth Raimundo dared to speak up despite the burning fire of morbid curiosity flashing before his eyes. I couldn't help but be on the edge of my seat too. I never did get around to snooping for the exact details myself, what with getting banished to the Ying-Yang World and all. All I knew for certain was that Wuya's spawn died prematurely and the Xiaolin most likely had somethin' to do with it. Corrupting Chase to the Heylin side was easy enough with promises of surpassing his rival, Guan, so sleuthing for the full picture was unnecessary and got put on the back burner.

…

You know what? My crackpot theory on Spicer can wait. It's high-time I got the full answer to this buried secret myself. Could make for good blackmail material later down the road!

"I will grant you the answer to your questions, but I cannot do it here," Master Fung replied patiently, turning towards one of the larger buildings nearby. "Come with me, all of you. It is time you all know the truth."

Chase and Wuya wasted no time trailing the old coot into the temple, ordering their beasts to stay put in the meantime. The monks, however, were hesitant as they glanced at each other in mutual confusion before eventually following. Suppose I should tag along as well if I want to get the scoop of the millennium and a half.

"You wait here, Ying-Ying. I'll be in and out before you know it," I told my pet before clinking my gauntlets together and envisioning the form I desired to take. "Moby Morpher!"

The Shen Gong Wu stretched and twisted my form until I had been compacted into that of an innocuous house fly: perfect for infiltration and spying. Plus, no debilitating craving for sugar like with the Manchurian Musca. The Moby Morpher allowed me full control over the baser instincts of any creature I take the form of. It was bar none Dashi's most useful Wu in my opinion.

Zipping after the hapless humans, I discreetly followed them into their temple, passing row after row of scrolls as the master leading them stopped at a particular row along the farthermost wall. After retrieving a single scroll...a hidden passageway revealed itself behind the shelf.

"How many hidden passageways does this place even have?" Kimiko couldn't help but question aloud.

"More than a cow has spots, that's for sure," Clay commented idly, spewing his dumb Texan gibberish as usual.

Soon enough, the group entered a larger enclave, one that was in remarkably poor condition. Whatever this place was, it looked like it had been sealed away for a damn long time. However, much like the adjoining room, several shelves of scrolls were present, the only aspect of the room that seemed properly maintained.

"Master Fung…" Omi breathed, eyeing the room with wide eyes as the old man led them all to one of the many shelves. "Forgive my impudence, but why was I not told about this hidden archive? How many others do know about it? Dojo, did you know?"

"Yeah, I knew about it. Sorry, kiddo, but there was a reason only the bigwigs were allowed to take a peek in here," the small dragon sighed wearily, eyes downcast as Master Fung looked for a particular scroll. "I'm afraid the Xiaolin Order wasn't always as squeaky clean as you were led to believe. Even Dashi had skeletons in his closet…"

"What a surprise: your precious order wasn't free of mistakes. Who could've possibly guessed?" Young hissed before turning his attention back to Fung. "So many secrets, so much history left unheard...yet you're taking your sweet time providing me a proper answer."

"Yes, I suppose I shouldn't keep withholding the knowledge you seek for much longer, should I?" Master Fung sighed with great sadness as he finally pulled out the scroll he'd been lookin' for and placed it down on a table for everyone to gander at. "It has just been…a while since I've had to go through these. It doesn't get any easier. Now then, I believe the best way to go about answering your question is to share a story of old."

"A story? A damn STORY!?" Wuya fumed, momentarily spurring the monks into defensive stances as she leered at the old master before her. "I am here for answers about my son, Fung! I will not entertain your theatrics - NOT THIS TIME!"

Now THIS is the kind of quality entertainment I live for! Let's see how my old "pupil" handles the situation. An angry mother is one thing, but an angry immortal mother with a dead son? I don't think I could wish that on even my worst enemies. And I'm a Heylin demon for evil's sake!

"Wuya…nothing will be gained from acting rash now. Kill him and we lose knowledge even these scrolls don't have," Chase calmly argued, putting on quite the brave front as he carefully stepped beside the seething witch. "If telling a story, no matter how droll, is what it takes for him to spill, then I say so be it. Do it for Ju-Long…"

Wuya grit her teeth, visibly fighting the urge to finish stomping those twerps and their precious master before easing back. Her expression was still fearsome but it was clear she was willing to hold back for the time being. What a shame. Would've been a helluva show to see.

"For what it is worth, I apologize for the inconvenience," Master Fung said calmly, having nerves of steel to rival Chase's. "However, I assure you that explaining things this way will provide further context and insight for our order's most shameful secret. If I may?"

With no one moving to interrupt him, Fung unrolled the scroll onto the nearby table. As he began to read, a magical projection accompanied the words on the page, similar to the Ancient Scroll of the Shen Gong Wu. A bit rudimentary compared to the more modern scrolls, but still recognizable enough for the story to be made clear.

"Our story begins with a man named Yu," Fung began. "Yu was a humble, hard-working man said to have been a model citizen. His father, Gun, was tasked with the thankless job of solving the flooding crisis plaguing his homeland at the time. It is believed the Xiaolin Dragon of Water was demonstrating its might to some of the nearby regions' deities, as was customary among divine beasts. The floods made life for Yu's people very difficult, and by the time he had reached adulthood, he had made it his personal mission to continue his father's failed work."

"Oh yes, I know this next part!" Omi exclaimed like the giddy child he was, oblivious to the murderous stares Wuya and Chase shot his way. "With the help of Hou Ji, Yu established a clever system of irrigation canals and dredged many riverbeds to relieve the floodwater! This earned him the title of Yu the Great, and he would later go on to found the Xia dynasty! That was always my favorite history lesson!"

The excitable little cantaloupe soon deflated in awkward embarrassment. "Except for the part about my Elemental Dragon causing so much unnecessary trouble. That was my least favorite…"

"You are partially correct, Omi. But I am afraid that is not the full story," Fung replied patiently, continuing a moment later as new illustrations arose. "Hou Ji was not the only help Yu had received. During a particularly grueling day at work, the Xiaolin Dragon of Metal descended from the heavens. It had elected, for whatever reason, to take pity on the humans below. With its great powers, the dragon assisted Yu in constructing a metallic dam that would have put the Great Wall to shame to prevent future flooding."

"Uh, pardon me for interruptin' as well, Master Fung, but what's this about a 'Dragon of Metal'?" Clay asked, just as confused as everyone else in the room (including me). "I ain't ever heard of there bein' a fifth dragon in the mix. I thought it was just Water, Earth, Fire, and Wind."

"This is the second lie I must correct, Clay. In reality, there were once five dragons, the fifth being the Dragon of Metal I just referred to," Fung replied, an inkling of regret seeping into his tone. "You see, after the creation of the dam and Yu's rise to power, the Dragon of Metal became...enraptured by humanity. It was unusually invested in their progress as a species, more so than any other divine beast of its kind."

The animated ink blots on the scroll morphed into that of five dragons as the master talked. Four of them were pantomiming outward frustration and appeared to be conversing with the odd dragon out, who simply waved a dismissive claw at them.

"Interfering with mortals is nothing new for godly beings and creatures. But too much interference, good or bad, was seen as taboo amongst the other dragons. They made many attempts to explain this to their brother, but the Dragon of Metal did not listen. He had allegedly been the most…passionate of the group. And it seemed he had opened his heart to the humans in China, for better or for worse. Unfortunately, it would turn out to be the latter…"

The scroll's images changed again, this time depicting Yu the Great and the Dragon of Metal overseeing an army of big, hulking figures of some kind. Good thing there was a narrator goin' over the finer details, 'cuz these ink blots only gave me a rough idea of what was supposed to happen next.

"With the advancement of the dam gifted by the heavens, neighboring tribes grew both wary and envious of Yu's kingdom. War was on the horizon. Once again, the Dragon of Metal descended to assist his human friend by supplying him with an army of his own making. Metallic entities mightier than any golem fortified Yu's impenetrable defenses to prepare for the coming war. This act was the final straw for the other four dragons."

Cue the illustrations changing to depict four dragons ganging up on one. I must say, did not take the Xiaolin's revered deities to be ones capable of playin' dirty like that. Color me impressed…

"In an attempt to bring their brother to his senses and pull him away from humanity, the four dragons confronted him about his dangerous obsession," Fung continued, pausing for a moment as he silently composed himself for his next words. "Tensions escalated between the divine beasts, and as they attempted to save their brother from his own delusions of grandeur...the Dragon of Metal was slain."

I rolled my compound eyes over the monks' obnoxious gasps. Again, it was easy to forget that these warriors - despite saving the world on more than one occasion - were still kids. Didn't make 'em any less annoying, though.

"Slain?" Kimiko parroted, as if testing the word for herself. "B-But how? And why? The dragons – our dragons didn't do that, did they? Over one of their own taking a liking to humanity?"

"It was never their intention to do such a thing. But when the fighting broke out...things escalated in the worst way possible," Fung explained patiently, even if the pain of reciting the events was beginning to become more obvious in his tone. "With the death of the Metal Dragon, his creations soon vanished from the face of the earth. Without their powerful ally, the Xia dynasty collapsed not long after..."

"Which allowed the warring tribes to found the Shang dynasty; what modern historians believe to be the first real dynasty in recorded Chinese history," Chase surmised, giving Fung a rather pointed look with his reptilian eyes. "You Xiaolin dogs covered the whole thing up. Replaced what really happened with your own edited version of the account. Tell me, was it out of shame over what your precious gods had done to one of their kin? Or was it perhaps…out of fear?"

"It would be wise of you to choose your words more carefully, Young," Master Fung replied swiftly, though there was no detectable anger in his tone. Seems he'd composed himself rather quickly. "I will not speak on behalf of the dead, but I will not tolerate their desecration either. Hiding this information from the world and my students alike was wrong, I admit that. But do not attempt to assume the machinations of men far beyond you."

"So…what happened to the other four dragons after that?" Raimundo asked cautiously, still reeling from the bombshell that his spiritual ancestor played a part in celestial third-degree murder. He was the leader of his group, it only made sense he'd be the one to speak on their behalf while the others were still comin' to grips with everything.

"In their grief, they gave up their chi and allowed themselves to be reincarnated, bringing about the current method of how new dragons are found and recruited in the process," Fung answered gravely, turning his attention back to his students. "Xiaolin scholars theorize that they performed this act both as self-punishment for their mistake, and also as a last ditch effort to bring their brother back in the same fashion they would all return in."

The monks slowly looked down at themselves, likely experiencing a sobering existential crisis over the implications. I could definitely exploit that fear for later.

"Let me take a stab in the dark at this next part," Wuya growled, patience wearing dangerously thin as evident by her steadily glowing green eyes. "Dashi and Guan suspected that my baby boy was this 'Metal Dragon' reincarnate and conducted their own strike team to take him away from me. And before you get holier-than-thou with me, I may have ruled that village with an iron fist, but I remained fair to those people. I even found love with one of them and had a beautiful son…a son that your conniving order tried to STEAL from me AND ENDED UP TAKING THE LIFE OF!"

Another heavy beat of silence as half a dozen eyes, including my own, flicked back over to where Master Fung stood. To the kids, he probably looked as stoic as ever. But to us older folk? There was a palpable weight on his shoulders. A silent but poignant regret to the old man as he bowed his head for a moment.

"I may not have been alive when this most shameful act occurred. And to this day, I still cannot fathom Master Monk Guan's reasoning for why he and Grand Master Dashi made such a reckless decision all those years ago. Regardless, I would like to take this moment to say to you, not as a member of Xiaolin, but as a person that I am truly sorry for the loss of your son. The little one deserved a chance at life, and the missed opportunity for that should not be understated, freak accident or no. My words may mean little to you, but know that they mean much to me, Wuya…"

Well hot damn. Master Fung, current head of Xiaolin, apologizing to Wuya, arch-nemesis to the order…

This beats cable any day! And seein' Dojo squirm on Fung's shoulder and lower his head in shame over his dead best friend's dirty secret? Ooo, now that gives me the shivers somethin' good~

Wuya stared at Fung long and hard, anger still clear as day on her face. For a few seconds there, I was pretty darn sure she'd still just kill him right on the spot, consequences be damned. However, instead of lashing out in vengeful rage, she seemed to stand down, muttering something under her breath I couldn't quite catch. Judging by the smirk that rose on my ex-pupil's face, I can trust it was less than flattering.

"Master Fung?" Omi piped up, uncharacteristically shy and modest in doing so, which was sayin' somethin' given how his ego rivaled the size of his head. "Please forgive me if what I say comes off as inappropriate. But in light of this disturbing revelation, I have been wondering something about this long-lost 'Dragon of Metal'. Do you think there was a possibility that Jack Spicer could have been the latest reincarnation?"

Huh. Well that was a new one.

Apparently, my muted surprise was seemingly shared by the rest of those assembled, masters and students alike. There was no, "Yeah right!" moment, but instead a slow, sweeping realization across all seven of 'em.

And hindsight being what it was...Spicer did always have an unparalleled knack for robotics, and most things metal for that matter...

"I have always had my suspicions, young monk," Fung admitted openly, arms folded within the sleeves of his robes. "Unlike the Grand Master before me, however, I elected passive observation instead of hasty swiftness. When and if the time revealed itself, I would have approached Spicer with civility and offered him the invitation to train, as I did with your friends. In fact, the reason I was apprehensive about your decision to take him in last year was because he had yet to show signs that he was who I thought he was. Had he been the Metal Dragon, I did not want him to feel uncomfortable joining before he had the chance to unlock his powers. He was simply not ready. And he still had so much growing left to do before he…"

"The word you're looking for is died, old man," Chase provided without batting an eye, disregarding the horror and pain that flashed across the monks' faces. Even his partner looked slightly taken aback by his callous bluntness. "Even if that fool was the Metal Dragon reincarnate, it hardly matters now. Jack is gone, and he won't be coming back anytime soon."

Omi's hot-tempered defense for Jack became white noise to me as it all started to click.

Being a demon as old as time itself, you tend to notice certain...shall we say, discrepancies in things. One such discrepancy was the aforementioned Jack kid himself. Clearly I made the mistake of dismissing him outright, even if he was a gullible tool to manipulate. Still, I can admit that there was something off about him. Faint, nigh undetectable...but off all the same.

Couple what we know now with his robots' data files vanishing from his network soon after he dies? Either I'm seein' parallels that just ain't there, or that boy really was the Metal Dragon reincarnate…and I just missed the hot ticket item that could've led to me being the most powerful creature of all time – SON OF A -!

Unless…

The Golden Tiger Claws. I was gonna need them to see if this idea I had in mind would work. And even if it doesn't, well, better if I have it than them anyway. Can do a lotta damage with that Wu in my arsenal.

Just as I was about to fly out of the room…

"Leaving so soon, Hannibal?"

Despite myself, I actually laughed as I removed myself from the wall, flying down towards everyone while reverting back into my original form. I should've expected Young of all people to keep up with me and see right through my disguise. Still, can't say it didn't tickle me somethin' fierce to see the shock spread amongst the rest, save for Fung of course.

"Sorry for inviting myself to the party," I chuckled as my crooked, toothy grin overtook my devilish good looks. "Couldn't help but hear all the ruckus goin' on outside and decided to swing on by for a looksie. Can't blame a bean for being so nosy. Which is sayin' somethin' considering I ain't got one, HAH!"

Dojo not-so-discreetly whispered to Master Fung, "With how nutty he is, you'd think he'd be a nut instead of a bean…"

"Want me to come over there and make you eat those words, garden snake?" I growled. Few things got under this demon's skin, but comments regarding my natural base form were never appreciated.

"Shutting up now!" Dojo yielded before slithering into Fung's collar for protection. His cowardice could give Jack's a run for his money.

"So tell me, what brings my old 'teacher' here?" Chase prompted me, not lookin' too bothered with my appearance but keeping his guard up all the same. "I can imagine you were looking for anything other than trouble coming here."

"What? Am I not allowed to visit my favorite puppets anymore? I'm hurt, truly," I wisecracked, not particularly worried myself. Seven of the world's most powerful beings against one would be a challenge even for me, but I was confident in my speed to make a quick getaway. "Nah, I was just in the neighborhood and couldn't help but discover that the 'beacon of good' was keeping dark secrets from y'all. Mighty interesting if I do say so myself…"

"You watch your mouth, Mr. Bean! I will not tolerate disrespect towards my master who did nothing wrong himself!" Omi declared, apparently still holding on to some resolute sense of spirit even after the truth. Dropping into an offensive stance, he stared me down like a bull primed to charge. "Prepare for a most humiliating defeat!"

"Feh. You were borin' me anyway."

With great speed, I lunged at Omi's moon-sized forehead, kicking myself right off and knockin' the boy down as I bounced out the doorway. Before I booked it to their currently unguarded vault, however, I stole a quick glance back.

"And come up with some new material, will ya son? That line's gettin' old."

"STOP HIM!"

Ironic how Chase was now the one leading the Xiaolin to stop a Heylin demon. The world sure has gone topsy-turvy as of late! This thrill of chaos was just the kind of thing that fuels this old bean's heart with rejuvenated spirit!

Wuya's neutered magic blasts and the monks' elemental attacks outran me as I dodged them all with ease down the corridors. Once back in the courtyard, Chase's cats instantly recognized me and got up from their resting positions to pounce. I effortlessly outmaneuvered 'em and even flung a couple back at the door to slow my pursuers down.

"He's heading for the vault!" Raimundo cried.

Making for the tower housing the monks' Shen Gong Wu, I pulled the lever disguised as one of the room's torches to reveal the spiral staircase downward. With a few a few more hopes, I landed on the step near the Golden Tiger Claws' cubbyhole. I quickly used the Moby Morpher to adjust my size, making myself big enough to pull the Wu out of the drawer and equip it on an extra arm I sprouted. Just in time too as Raimundo and the others dropped down from the first floor to corner me.

"See ya on the other side! Golden Tiger Claws!"

They were fast, but I was still faster. With one swipe at the air, I opened a wormhole for myself and jumped in it, the literal tear in space closing immediately after. Ying-Ying squawked in surprise as I suddenly appeared before her on a tree perched on a hill overlooking the temple.

"C'mon, girl. We're headin' home to make some preparations. Golden Tiger Claws!"

With another strike at the air, the claws ripped a second hole in the fabric of space, and my bird flew us into the gash. A few seconds of flying through a swirling purple vortex later, we found ourselves back home in our cave. Ain't much to look at, but it was far out in the middle of nowhere and away from most forms of life. We were in the clear.

Dismounting from Ying-Ying, I hopped over to the small box where I kept a small ration of food and tossed my dear pet a well-earned cracker, which she thoroughly enjoyed.

"You rest up for a bit. Papa's gotta give these claws here a little extra juice for where we're goin'...wherever that may be,'' I informed my pet as she happily ate her treat. "If what I have in mind works…we may just be one step closer to crushin' all who dare oppose us~"

Bouncing over to another section of my lair, I broke out the ol' mixing pot and started gathering what I needed. A dash of Heylin magic and these puppies will be strong enough to teleport me somewhere a bit more...exciting than planet Earth.

Carefully dipping the Golden Tiger Claws into the steaming concoction, I gave it a solid ten seconds before I carefully pulled them out. Stained with the sickly green residue and afterglow Heylin magic was infamous for, I chuckled darkly before hopping into my nearby suit of armor. It was mostly just for public appearances and raw intimidation, but that don't mean it didn't have a few tricks up its metal sleeves. Ain't no way in hell I was just leavin' it behind.

Packing up what little supplies I had stashed away, I called Ying-Yang to come perch herself on my shoulder as I equipped the powered-up Wu onto my suit's gloved hand. Since I had no proper destination in mind, I needed to form a clear image of my desired target: Jack Spicer.

"Golden Tiger Claws!"

Let's hope these things don't teleport me to wherever his remains currently were, or I was gonna be severely annoyed.

With a single slash, I clawed through space once again, only this time the swirling vortex inside was a nauseating shade of green instead of the usual muted purple. Ah, sweet, disgusting Heylin magic. Is there anything you can't do?

Stepping forward and bracing myself for whatever was to come, I plunged through the portal...

And landed right on top of a pile of rotten old cabbages. Lovely.

"What in the…?"

I let my bewildered words trail off as I immediately surveyed my surroundings. It appears I ended up in a dry, barren wasteland with nothin' but rotten cabbages as far as the eye could see, no hint of civilization nearby. And what's more…these didn't seem to be your ordinary produce either. These cabbages had eyes. At least the ones that hadn't completely rotted away did.

"Ying-Ying, I do believe we ain't in China no more. Or anywhere on Earth for that matter," I said to my pet as I studied the now defunct tiger claws, the sickly green glow having dissipated and leaving Dashi's creation a dull gold in its stead. Might wanna get that looked at soon. "C'mon, we got some scoutin' to do. Find out what this place is and see if we can't get any leads on our little dragon in hiding~"

And with that, I started walking out across this new wasteland, my newest plan fresh in my mind as I chuckled darkly to myself. This game wasn't even close to being over, and "Jack" didn't know what was comin' his way.

Chapter Text

I sighed loudly as soon as my body made contact with the inviting cushions of my swivel chair.

It was always a treat to come down to my evil lair and unwind after a long adventure, successful or otherwise. While the world above had yet to recognize me as their wrongful Emperor of Darkness (the concept, not my teammate), down here I was already a king, complete with loyal servants who would happily tend to my every whim! Speaking of which…

“FridgeBot!” I called on my wrist communicator. “Come over here, will ya? Daddy needs a cold one.” 

After a few seconds, the rectangular bot appeared with a fresh soda already in claw, which I accepted gratefully. I’d developed him after the loss of our magic fridge that had been hauled away to pay off the debt. So far he proved to be a suitable replacement, if not an improvement!

“You. Are. A. Lifesaver,” I enunciated with appreciation while cracking open the can. My bots were such bros, I didn’t even need to program them to strictly obey me! Yeah, that’s right, their adoration for me was so genuine that, nine times out of ten, programming them to follow my orders was redundant. Some may call it stupid and foolhardy, I call it a show of trust; to let my boys know that I care about them as much as they care about me.

And sure, I’ve had my fair share of rebellious androids (looking at you, RoboJack). But that’s just the way the cookie crumbles when it comes to installing emotion chips. For the most part, though, my homies were loyal. 

I wheeled over to my workbench, intent on starting up yet another project while I enjoyed my cold beverage. As I did so, I booted up the computer and opened up a fresh personal log file, one of now hundreds recorded on my device. May as well get a head start on my autobiography once I conquer the world, y’know?

Jack Spicer’s Digital Diabolical Diary (DDD). Entry log # 113.

Dear DDD, not only has it been a week since I finished coating the JackBots in adamantite casings, but it’s also been a week since my relationship with the girls advanced from simple evil friends to an evil little family of sorts! Well, soon-to-be evil, anyway. We’re still working on their moral alignment. Either way, pretty significant developments regardless! I’m certainly pleased as punch about it!

First and foremost, there’s recently been a new addition to the family! A small, furry, confusing addition by the name of Chomusuke, Megumin’s “familiar”. I’ll be honest, when that cat first showed up, I was…let's say skeptical.

My party and I miserably bust down the door to our home, bodies covered head to toe in frog spit. Even though Spring was still a ways away, the Giant Toads woke up from their hibernation early this year. Apparently, going out with Megumin on her daily Explosions disturbed them from their sleep, and the guild forced us to go clean up “our mess”.

Such much for their previous hospitality. Friggin’ ingrates. 

Still, at least Darkness was able to cut us free thanks to the electroshock gloves I outfitted her with. Believe it or not, she was the only one to be spared from getting eaten. The universe works in ironically cruel ways sometimes.

“And I thought the inside of a dragon smelled rank…” I said numbly, wincing as the memory of being eaten by Dojo was still fresh in my mind along with all my other bad memories. Wiz owed me a discount on potions for unintentionally making me relive my lowest moments on Earth. 

“I hate toads...I HATE THEM! They’re lucky I don’t have access to all my godly powers, or I’d smite them all to dust!” Aqua fumed, equal parts mad and distraught over yet another incident with those giant monstrosities. “Ugh, I need a bath...and a hug.”

“I just hope you do those things exactly in that order,” Megumin grumbled beside me. I didn’t feel like carrying her today, so I used a little bit of Drain Touch to give her enough of my energy to be able to move around on her own. “By the way, Darkness, how come none of the toads went after you? I thought you had the Decoy skill listed as one of your abilities.”

“I believe it may have been my armor. Toads don’t have much tolerance for metal, so I believe it was acting as a deterrent,” The crusader replied glumly, bummed that she didn’t get the treatment the rest of us did. Par for the course with her, really. “I’ll have to remember that for the future…”

“Yeah, would’ve been nice to know that beforehand…” I muttered. “But now that we do know, I think we can leave all future toad-related quests in the JackBots’ care. Besides, they're too low-leveled for us to grind for XP anymore, even if they are ginormous.”

“A ginormous pain in the butt, that’s for sure,” Megumin huffed before glancing at the rest of us with an impatient look. “So are we drawing straws to see who gets the bath first or what?”

“Honestly, it'd be better if you, Darkness, and I go in together. It'll be kinda like a throwback to before we moved into the mansion!” Aqua suggested cheerfully to Megumin. Meanwhile, I was so stunned at what she said, I just had to interject.

“Woah-woah-woah, time out! What did you three do together…?”

“Uh, you know, bathe? Like civilized people?” Aqua answered like she were talking to a stupid person. “We’re all girls, it’s not that big of a deal. Don’t go making it weird.” 

“Indeed, there really is nothing abnormal about it,” Darkness added calmly. “The three of us have taken many baths together in the public bathhouses. What did you think when we would go together as a group and return all clean?”

“I-I dunno! I just assumed you all…took turns?” I stammered, silently praying an awkward blush wasn’t taking over my face. “Look, I don’t know about you, but I’m a man who takes his privacy seriously. So imagine my discomfort when the men’s bathhouse was all I had to work with at the time. I’d have to wait till the dead of night when no one was around and sneak in just to clean myself, and even then I kept a towel on! Then the staff got suspicious when ‘somebody’ kept leaving wet towels on the floor after hours, which made it harder for me to sneak in and...UGH! I’m still pissed about it!” 

“Yeesh, you’ve been holding onto that one for a while now, huh?” Aqua mused with a light chuckle. “You could've just told the staff you were a little shy. I’m sure they would’ve given you...I dunno, like a sheet or something.”

I crossed my arms stubbornly and glanced away from her and the others. “Criminal masterminds don’t gotta tell nobody nothin’. Besides, we have our own bathrooms now, so it’s a moot point. Anyway, I think I’ve vented enough to earn the right to take a bath first.”

“Not a chance! Darkness: RESTRAIN HIM!” Megumin ordered, totally infringing on my copyrighted catchphrase! And doing a killer job at imitating the style too! 

The crusader (unable to resist her desire of being bossed around) trapped me in a bear hug while Megumin and Aqua took their leave.

“Darkness, what gives!?” I cried, struggling in vain to break free from the woman’s gorilla strength. Even when oiled up in frog slime, I couldn’t slip out, and she restrained me in such a way that I couldn’t reach for my wrist com. “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me? If I weren’t kinda proud of you for using underhanded tactics, I’d be hurt right now.”

“Oh, come now, Jack! No need to be so dramatic. It won’t take them long to wash up. You’ll have your turn soon enough, promise! Which means I’ll be last, leaving me to w-wait in my own f-filth like a dirty sow~!”

But I’m the leader! I should get dibs on everything! That’s how this works, dammit!

I think I still have enough mana left over to use one more basic spell. And if I twist my left hand enough, I can just barely touch Dark’s side. Hmm... 

“Freeze!”

With a sharp, suggestive gasp that I made a conscious effort to ignore, Dark’s grip on me went slack enough for me to break out of. Wasting no time, I activated the HeliBot and zoomed down the corridors to the main bathroom at a breakneck pace, only slowing down when I passed by a befuddled Aqua and Megumin. There was always time for an evil taunt or two.

“Don’t mess with Jack Spicer! MwaHaHaHaHa!” 

“You ASS!” Megumin shouted after me. Not that I cared as I continued down the hall, ultimately coming to a halt outside the bathroom.

“Sorry, ladies, but a villain’s hygiene comes first and foremost,” I said smooth as silk once the two fuming girls rounded the corner. “Don’t worry, I’ll save some hot water for you after I’m done. Consider it a token of appreciation for playing dirty and using Darkness as a pawn for your own gain.” 

“Oh, as if! You’re not getting away with this, Spicer!” Aqua shrieked, chucking her staff towards me with righteous fury!

Only for it to clatter a few feet away from me harmlessly.

Was this really the same person who used this exact tactic on Vanir and won?

After a beat of awkward silence, Aqua proceeded to haul ass towards me with a very angry look on her face. I may or may not have let out a less-than-manly scream at the scary image and slammed the door shut right before the crazy goddess could tackle me.

I locked the door the microsecond before a loud thud was heard followed by Aqua throwing another one of her childish crying fits again. I’d feel guilty…if she and Megumin hadn’t started it! Time for my Saturday bubble bath!

After an hour or so, we’d all washed up and things had settled down, save for Megumin and Aqua glaring daggers at me. Luckily, I got the chance to escape for a moment when I heard a knock from the front door. Moving down the main hall and swinging it open, I was greeted to the sight of…

My front lawn…

Confused, I looked to my immediate left and right, just to make sure it wasn’t the work of some prankster pulling a ring and run (or "knock and run" in this case). I was about to order the GuardBots to run a perimeter sweep around the house when the sound of a meow caused me to look down by my feet.

A small black cat with yellow eyes, a red cross on its forehead, and…bat wings? It looked up at me almost expectantly.

“…Nope.”

I closed the door and made my way back to the living room where everyone else was. I didn’t need any more cats in my life. Especially mutant-looking ones.

Once I returned to the living room, Megumin (still sulking on the couch with Aqua) asked moodily, “So who was at the door…?”

“Nobody as far as I could tell. Probably just someone messing with us. There was a cat hanging around the doorstep but that was about it.”

Megumin snapped out of her mood and stared rather intensely at me. “Did you say a cat?”

Before I could even think to respond or ask why it even mattered, a knock on one of the windows caught everyone’s attention. Sure enough, it was that cat again, tapping on the window and meowing like crazy.

“Chomusuke!” Megumin randomly cheered.

“Gesundheit,” I said.

"Huh?" Megumin uttered, which was when I had to remind myself she didn't know German. Regardless, she went straight to the window the little feline was pawing at and opened it, reaching out to bring it inside. "Aww, I missed you! Where have you been?"

“I didn’t know you owned a pet, Megumin,” Darkness idly commented from the table where she was drinking tea.

“Familiar,” She corrected. “And indeed I do, like all great mages. She was staying with me at the apartment I rented, before we moved to a tent outside the town walls. Must’ve gone into hiding after the fight with Beldia and the Mobile Fortress Destroyer.”

“And you weren’t...at all worried about her absence?” Darkness asked carefully.

“Nah, she’s a resourceful little furball. I had complete faith in her ability to survive without me!”

“Pet Owner of the Year…” I grumbled irritably to myself. Although I guess I wasn't quiet enough as Megumin quickly glared daggers at me.

“You got a problem with how I take care of my familiar?”

I sighed, “No, it’s not that. It’s just-“

“Excuse me, sir!” JB-CUP4K3 called while entering the living room. Along with the rest of Attack Squad Sigma, he was one of the first bots to be coated in adamantine instead of the usual titanium. The new alloy was naturally white, so I was still in the process of spray-painting them their standard metallic brown color. “I was just wondering when you would get around to spray-painting my new…armor.”

The JackBot paused as he noticed the feline in Megumin’s hands. He then let out a mechanized whine/scream before flying over to Darkness and cowering behind her. “GET THAT HELLBEAST OUT OF HERE!”

“Since when were your robots afraid of cats?” Aqua asked in the middle of snickering. “Especially after all the monsters and demons that’ve destroyed them?”

“Uncalled for,” I stated pointedly before explaining with a tired sigh. “The bots and I have had pretty lousy experiences with cats. Remember Katnappé, one of those two-bit villains I told you I used to compete with? Well, she and her 'genetically altered super kittens' did not do it for my boys, especially after they got done ripping them apart.”

I then turned to Megumin to confess one last thing. Depending on her reaction, it would test the boundaries of our friendship.

“Besides...I'm more of a dog person anyway."

“Blasphemy!” The Crimson Demon declared dramatically. If she still had her cape on, she probably would’ve used her free hand to swish it too. “Cats are clearly the superior animal companions! They are the staple for every wizard and witch alike! Not only are dogs smelly and high-maintenance, they are also far too big to easily throw at your demonic opponents!”

Did she actually do that with her pet!?

“Awww, hey there little cutie~” Aqua cooed, going over to pet the kitty after Megumin’s rant. What we both didn't expect, however, was for the damn thing to immediately lash out and scratch her hand, hissing while its hair stood up on its ends like a true black cat.

"Gah! What the hell, Megumin?! Get your cat under control!" She shrieked, lurching backwards while clutching her hand. "Little beast! Doesn't have any manners! Not to mention it reeks of a malevolent aura…"

"Might I try to pet her!?" Darkness asked excitedly, likely hoping to get the same unwelcome treatment. Funnily enough, when the unsubtle horndog stuck her hand out, the cat seemed unbothered by her. In fact, it even nuzzled its head up against her hand and purred.

"Hah! That's some irony for ya," I chuckled as Dark drew back her hand with a disappointed whine. But then I noticed the cat was now staring up at me. I held my hands up in surrender. "Uh...no..?"

“Ugh, don’t be a big baby!” Megumin groaned while rolling her eyes at me. “Look, Chomusuke is staying whether you like it or not! The least you could do is try to make friends with her. I don’t know what her deal is with Aqua, but she’s actually pretty friendly! And I promise she’s not some ‘super kitten’ or whatever. Just a regular kitten.”

“Do regular kittens in this world have forehead crosses and bat wings?” I asked incredulously.

Megumin shrugged. “Probably.”

“That’s not a real answer!”

“Quit stalling and just pet her!” 

Eyeing the jet-black cat with caution, I stole a glance over at Aqua and Cupcake, both of whom were silently shaking their heads "no" at me. Darkness just shrugged.

I sighed, closed my eyes, and turned my head away as I extended a shaky hand at the small hellbeast in front of me…

The cat leaned up to meet my hand and nuzzled into it like she did with Darkness, letting out an accompanying purr. In turn, I let out a deep sigh of relief and even took a minute to scratch behind her ears, drawing out a happy mewl.

Hmm…Maybe not all cats were terrible...even if dogs were still leagues better.

"Hang on! So that means I'm the only one she doesn't like!?" Aqua cried indignantly, glaring at the fluffball while my scratching hand was on autopilot. "What the hell!? I'm, like, super likable! Rotten little creature…”

Tuning Aqua out, I stopped scratching Megumin's cute pet for a moment to squat down and talk to it in a baby voice. "Hey little fella. You wanna be our evil team mascot? You could help boost our marketability when we make TV shows and movies about our rise to power~"

Chomusuke meowed idly, not really responding to the question so much as just...existing. She did reach her paw out and bopped me on the nose though. I'll take that as a yes!

"See? I had a feeling you'd come around to her. Call it Crimson Demon's intuition!" Megumin proclaimed proudly with a puffed up chest. After taking a second to bask in her own glory, she shot a quizzical look my way. "Also, 'evil team mascot'? Seriously?"

“Yeah, why not?” I retorted casually. “All the best teams have a mascot. The name’s a little weird but I’m sure we can figure something out in the advertising department.”

“Chomusuke’s name isn’t weird, it’s badass!” Megumin cried, taking the cat away from me before pouting. “Honestly, I thought you would come to understand my clan’s naming traditions by now. Some evil genius you are…”

Oh. So that’s how it was gonna be, huh?

Snapping my fingers, JB-CUPC4K3 converted his chest into a boombox which played my custom evil theme music. At the same time, another JackBot sneaked in from the back and started filling the living room with smoke with his built-in smoke machine. Slowly, gradually, I laughed my trademark evil laugh before speaking to the wide-eyed kid with gusto.

"Ah, Megumin. Sweet, young, naïve Megumin. I am an evil genius. I've absorbed the knowledge of nearly every fictional villain in my homeworld; I know all the tricks of the trade! Which taunts to break out, what hand gestures to make, the perfect length for monologues, I have it all down pat! You still have much to learn, my evil apprentice. Much to learn indeed…"

By this point, both Darkness and Aqua were looking at me with matching expressions of utter bewilderment. But somehow, I had the strangest feeling that they also recognized this was just me being true to myself. Call it a hunch I guess, but a reassuring one all the same.

Megumin, on the other hand, took my challenge for what it was and leapt to her feet with a dramatic pose, even getting her cat to join alongside her.

"I AM MEGUMIN! The Crimson Demon's foremost prodigy and wielder of the most powerful spell known to man! Your complacency has led you astray, thinking I was your apprentice when it was actually my criminal mastermind hypnotizing you into believing that! My people are our own masters; not even the most likeminded of outsiders can tame the beasts sealed within each and every one of us!"

"AHA! Got you! You thought your criminal mastermind was hypnotizing mine? Well, what if that's what I wanted you to think, huh? What if my mind was so powerful and evil that it hypnotized yours into believing you hypnotized mine into believing that you were my apprentice when that's really what you were this whole time? Amateur villain mistake. Don't worry, it happens to the worst of us~"

"...they're insane," I heard Aqua muse aloud. "Oh well…if you can't beat 'em! Ahem…YOU DARE BICKER IN THE PRESENCE OF THE DIVINE GODDESS OF WATER?!"

"And you dare to dare our daring? How DARE you!" I challenged menacingly, secretly overjoyed that my corruption was spreading. "I square up against god-like beings for breakfast! You think I'm scared of Neptune's understudy?"

For the next fifteen minutes or so, we engaged in an evil rant-off, bragging about nothing and everything before eventually devolving into a giggle fest. Even Darkness, who hardly gave in to our shenanigans, couldn't help but laugh over the absurdity of it all.

Who knew a cat of all things could help bring us just a little closer together? Ashly gave me such a negative impression on felines, but Chomusuke showed me that they’re not as annoying as I thought. Guess this means I won’t be making any BloodhoundBots anytime soon. Oh well, there’s always the prototype for a KnightBot! I am in a medieval fantasy world after all, it’s only fitting.

Anyway, believe it or not, there was an incident that took place a few days after Chomusuke's arrival which ended up becoming another "family bonding" moment. Although the events leading up to it were a little awkward…

It still felt so wrong to use Aqua for my recharges...

As I stood there, using Drain Touch to get another energy boost from the sleeping goddess in the middle of the night, I couldn’t really think of better solution. I burn through mana potions like crazy and I’m still a few Levels short from being able to switch to the Battlesmith class (which I hear gives an added bar to your magic meter). Really, the strategy I was using here was the most cost effective and productive.

Aqua sleeps like the dead and has a near endless supply of magic in her system, so coming up to her room every now and again to “refuel” worked out in the long-run. My lair probably wouldn’t be half as functional as it was now if I had to sleep every single night to recharge. Why did Sandbox Mode have to be so magically goddamn taxing…?

But it’s fine, though, really! I’m sure I’ll figure out a less weird method eventually. The sooner I level up and get a mana upgrade, the better. I can’t keep using Aqua as a battery forever. Who knows what would even happen if someone saw me like this?

“Jack?”

The shrill, girly shriek I let out was embarrassing as always, but I was more overtaken with panic as I turned and met Megumin’s gaze. She stood in the open doorway with a horrified expression on her face, one all too similar to my own.

It was here that I realized I might’ve gotten lazy with my recent slip-ins and just left the door to Aqua’s bedroom open for convenience sake. I wanted to blame my luck on this but…yeah, I got ballsy and was paying the price for it now.

“What…what are you doing?” She suddenly demanded, an honestly stern look crossing the kid’s face. One that was enhanced by the menacing glow of her crimson eyes.

“…This is a dream~” I persuaded with wavy hands and a ghostly tone. “You’re dreaming~ Go back to bed and forget about it in the morning…”

For a split second, I actually thought she was gonna buy it...but then her eyes hardened and she silently pointed for me to exit the room. With a scared whine, I accepted my fate and stepped out. After doing so, Megumin carefully shut Aqua’s door, turned to me…and let loose.

“What the hell did I just see!?”

“I-It’s not what it looks like!” I stuttered. “Nothing perverted was going on in there, I swear. Pleasedon’thitme!”

An old nervous tick of mine suddenly flared, the one where I automatically shield my face from someone I severely pissed off. Though Megumin was one of my closest friends, her angry glow-y eyes was enough to trigger the reaction. Thankfully, no punches came my way, only her hands removing my arms from my face as she sighed tiredly. 

“Jack, I’m not gonna hit you...not yet, anyway, depending on your answer. Just explain to me what I saw in there and why I shouldn’t give you a beatdown.”

Talk about no pressure, yeah?

Before I could even begin to think of what to say, I was distracted by the thundering sound of footsteps coming down the main hall. Before I knew it, Darkness – still in her pajamas like the rest of us – came sliding into the hallway with her gloves on and sword in hand, ready for action. An admittedly funny sight to behold considering her current “battle attire”. Just try not to stare, Jack…

“Jack, Megumin! I heard a commotion! What’s wrong!?” She explained as she came to a halt in front of us, before noticing our expressions and slowly lowering her weapon. “Ah...I’m not interrupting anything important, am I? I just heard yelling and figured…”

“Uh…yes and no?” Megumin answered in an unsure tone, her intimidation factor taking a hit in the process. Unfortunately, it came back when she resumed her glare towards me and poked my chest hard. “I was up to get some water when I passed by Aqua’s room and caught Spicer here doing something suspicious to her while she was asleep. Now I want him to spill before I can decide what to do with him.” 

“Something suspicious...?” Darkness questioned, turning to me with a somehow half-mortified, half-elated expression. And here I thought she was getting better at hiding it. “You weren’t doing anything inappropriate, w-were you!?”

“NO! Get your mind outta the gutter! It’s not like that!” I squawked pathetically, ears burning from frustration and embarrassment. “It was purely clinical in nature! I was just, uh…y’know…r-refueling, so to speak?” 

"Ignoring the euphemisms that can be made, that's not reassuring!" Megumin asserted. "The hell do you mean by 'refueling'? Are you siphoning her blood in there!?"

“You make me sound like a vampire! I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!”

“Oh my Me, do you guys have any idea what time it is!? And why are you shouting outside of my room!?”

Aqua’s door swung open, revealing the fuming goddess on the other side. Normally, the sight wouldn’t give me much pause, but at that current moment in time, given the subject matter? I nearly shrieked a second time.

“Believe it or not, I need beauty sleep too you know! I’m already feeling drained as is, so again, I ask: why the yelling outside my room?” Aqua enunciated, causing me to flinch when she just so happened to use the word “drained” like that. Very poor choice of words. 

“We’re sorry, Aqua! Megumin and I were just discussing how Jack was in your room doing...something…involving sucking…” Darkness replied, trailing off for a moment as she turned to me. Oh no, PLEASE don’t insinuate what I think you’re about to insinuate!

“Jack…were you using Drain Touch on Aqua?”

Oh thank God...

Wait, no, this was still a worst case scenario!  

“Is that true?" Aqua asked menacingly, an angry look truly befitting of a god. "Were you using a filthy undead skill on me in my sleep? Is that why I haven’t felt fully refreshed in months?”

“Ah...well...maybe a lil’ bit?”

I gulped as all three girls started to crack their knuckles. This was my worst nightmare. But there was no waking up from it. Might as explain myself before I have to take my lumps. 

“Alright, look, before you beat me to a pulp, can we at least…walk together while I explain? I-I feel like I talk better if I'm in motion…please?”

Aqua scowled at me, but silently gestured down one of the longer halls in the mansion. Nodding, I started to walk, fiddling with my hands as the girls followed alongside me while I tried to find my words. It took a few seconds (the three of them glaring at me like bulls ready to charge did not help), but eventually I managed.

“Okay, so, um, let me just preface this by saying building an underground lair ain’t cheap. Be it money for purchasing resources or magic points to spawn said resources, it’s a big task. Before, it’d take me weeks just to build six JackBots, even with Sandbox Mode as my cheat skill. Even now, my mana reserves still aren’t big enough to keep up with the extensive workload. So, when Wiz taught me Drain Touch for the first time, I-I figured I could…y’know, borrow some of Aqua’s near limitless supply of magic to ‘recharge’ while I pull all-nighters down in the lab…”

"You do realize in order to 'borrow' something, permission is needed, yes?" Aqua seethed from my left.

That gave me pause. "Wait...you mean you actually would've -"

"HELL NO!" she yelled. "A pure goddess like me should never have to be subjected to dirty Lich skills under any conditions! Did you forget mana potions exist, stupid!?"

"I know they exist! I spend and burn through them like crazy because I'm up late a lot!" I confessed in frustration before realizing how I raised my voice at three people still willing to kill me. Glancing down at the floor, I cleared my throat.

“A-Anyway, I only drained you back then because that was before we were friends. Or, rather, that was before I was brave enough to see us as such. At the time, I figured that when you’d abandon me, I would’ve already had a base and robo-buddies built to keep me from feeling lonely. But then the thing with the Destroyer happened, one thing led to another, and now we’re kind of like a family. But at that point, I was already in too deep with the Drain Touch situation and I didn’t know what to do! I-I swear I’ve been looking into alternatives since then, but we’re on a tighter budget now, a-and grinding for Levels is really hard, and…and…I...!” 

"Alright, alright, settle down! Jeez...even when I'm mad at you, I hate it when you get all weepy," Aqua huffed, motioning for the group to stop and give me a second. "Look, I'm not gonna act like I'm okay with you doing this. Because I'm not. But I also understand you weren't trying to hurt me either. So, how about we work something out that doesn't involve you stealing my energy like a gross little creep, m'kay?"

I nodded miserably as I finished drying my eyes with the handkerchief Darkness loaned me when she noticed me tearing up. Unfortunately, I might’ve ruined with my mascara running. It didn’t seem like she was all that bothered by it, but I still felt guilty anyway. I handed it back to her before addressing Aqua once more.

“Okay, yeah, this conversation’s been long overdue. I think a part of me wanted to get caught so we could hash this out. Honestly, the only reason I didn’t bring this up sooner was because…fuck, I know this sounds stupid, but I was afraid it would be like one of those anime moments where the girl makes a mountain out of a molehill and assaults the guy like a deranged maniac.”

“I’m...not too sure about that,” Megumin replied with a confused look, not that I could blame her. She still had no idea what anime was. “But as long as you stop using Drain Touch on Aqua – or anyone else for that matter – without permission, we won’t give you any heat.”

“She’s right, we would never dare to get physical with you when you didn’t deserve it. We’d be no better than…them,” Darkness muttered spitefully, and it didn’t take a genius to know she was referring to the monks. Even so, she pulled herself out of her little moment of righteous contempt and addressed me again, this time with a small blush. “Th-Though if you really were that in need of a ‘r-refuel’, I would’ve been more than happy to lend you my boundless stamina. J-Just say the word and I’ll leave my door unlocked for you to siphon all my…my…uuu~!”

“...yeah, Dark's convinced me this is a habit I need to drop like a hot potato,” I said, hoping the lack of lighting in the halls was hiding my own blush from the others. “But seriously, I really am sorry it got out of hand like this. I messed up, but I’m willing to do what it takes to make this up to you guys...ugh, being responsible feels gross.”

“Daaaw, is the ‘big strong bad guy’ secretly a tsundere?” Aqua suddenly teased, poking my side until I swatted her hand away. “Oh, calm down! I think I’ve earned the right to mess with you a little after that stunt you pulled. As for what to do next…eh, let’s figure that out in the morning. Aqua sleepy now…” 

“Yeah, yeah. We should all probably get some rest,” I agreed, admittedly relieved that things seemed to be winding down so simply. That really could’ve gone a lot worse. “Thanks guys, really. I know I’m still new to the whole friends thing, but I recognize you could’ve given me a lot of shit over this.”

Megumin playfully punched my shoulder and smirked. “Yeah, well, while you can be a pain in the ass sometimes, we kinda know you inside and out at this point. So long as you keep stupid stuff like this down to a minimum, we won’t bust your balls over it…much.”

“I agree with Megumin. You certainly mean well where it matters most,” Darkness chimed in with a light chuckle, lightly patting my opposite shoulder as she passed. “Growing pains are natural with these things, Jack. Just try to tell us next time, okay?”

“Alright, I get the point,” I grumbled half-heartedly, straightening my Frankenstein’s Monster tee before making my way to my own bedroom. “I may be a super evil genius, but I treat my companions well. I’ll try to be more upfront with you guys about weird stuff next time. Be patient with me, ‘k?”

“I make no promises~!” Aqua replied, chuckling as she stumbled down the hall in what likely would’ve been a skip if she weren’t already drained. “goodnight, everyone! See you in the morning!”

We all bid each other a goodnight, me being the exception as I prefer to say “badnight” instead. While that talk might’ve been uncomfortable, I think it was ultimately for the better. Sometimes you just gotta rip the band-aid off in one fell swoop instead of agonizingly peeling it away.

With that in mind, I climbed into bed and actually managed to fall into an easy sleep this time. Take that, insomnia and night terrors! You’re no match for Jack Spicer when he’s got his Evil Posse looking out for him! 

After breakfast the following morning, the girls and I had a proper discussion over my Drain Touch escapades and what to do. Believe it or not, we managed to come to a semi-reasonable compromise. So long as I agreed to TRY and get better sleep in the future, Aqua would get in touch with Eris (somehow) and "persuade" her to modify the MP cost for Sandbox Mode.

I don't know what kind of dirt she had on the Luck Goddess, but the blackmail seemed to work! It's now way less taxing to spawn stuff for my machines! I still have to stock up mana potions, but I can definitely work with this! Just gotta hope Eris doesn't further screw me over for this. She wouldn't do that to her senior's friend though, right...?

I'll fret over that later. Onto the highlight of the week. After a long-ass download period, I was finally able to copy a few digital movies from back home! It was tough choosing which films to download given just how long the process took, but I think I made the correct choice. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a story from a galaxy far, far away?

My posse and I glumly ate dinner together in silence at the otherwise lively Adventurer’s Guild.

We’d just returned empty-handed from a quest to rid a nearby dirty lake of alligator monsters. Since killing the monsters was optional, Aqua suggested that she could purify the lake and drive off the Brutal Alligators since their kind apparently thrives in polluted waters. However, the moment she mentioned how the process would eat up half the day, I said to hell with that and ordered Megumin to blow the lake sky-high. I figured that was the fastest and easiest solution from the start anyway.

Unfortunately, we were both a little too trigger happy because some of the gators miraculously survived the blast and started raining down from above like something out of a living nightmare.

Even though the JackBots cleaned up the mess and Darkness got chewed on a few times (much to her unsubtle delight), we were reprimanded by the Guild for destroying the lake and were denied our reward. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t take that sitting down, but it was pretty clear that the girls were out of energy, and frankly, so was I.

“So, um…how would you rate today’s Explosion, Jack?” Megumin asked hesitantly, sounding more like Yunyun than herself. Guess she must’ve felt partially responsible for today’s failure if she was resorting to the dreaded small talk.

“Solid eight out of ten. The gators did kinda contribute to the badass factor, even if it did make me nearly wet myself,” I replied with a small chuckle, not used to the raincloud that seemed to be hovering over my team. We needed a pick-me-up, fast. And I may just have the perfect idea in mind!

“Hey, guys, remember those movies I told you about once? You know, that form of entertainment where I come from?”

Being the first to perk up, Darkness spoke. “Oh, you mean those things you and Aqua managed to find common ground to bond over? Yes indeed! What about them?” 

“Well, recently, with a little bit of tinkering, I managed to download a few of my favorites from back home so we could all watch them here!” I explained, the three girls already perking right back up. “So, if you guys were up to it...why not crack one open tonight, see what you all think?”

“YES! FINALLY!” Aqua cheered, wrapping me into a surprise hug. “I’ve been starved of mindless media for so long since coming down here! Best movie buddy ever!”

“Hey, HEY! What I picked isn’t ‘mindless’, thank you!” I defended awkwardly, caught off guard with the hug and tried desperately to regain control of the subject. “For your information, I elected to start off with something fun; you ever see Phantom Menace?”

I must’ve been getting better at reading people (either that or my blue-haired partner was more of an open book than me) because I quickly noticed how the light in Aqua’s eyes faded the moment I popped the question.

Oh no…don’t tell me she’s one of those people who thinks the Prequels are an affront to Star Wars. We’ve been getting along so well over movies! I thought for sure she’d be able to understand the nuance Episodes I, II, and III had to offer! Then again…she was still Aqua at the end of the day. Maybe I just had too high of expectations set for her.

“The Prequels? Really?” She huffed, rolling her eyes at the offended gasp that immediately escaped me. “They’re not horrible or anything but...don’t they have long political scenes and shoddy writing?” 

“Okay, first of all, those political scenes only last a few minutes at most and aren’t even that plentiful to begin with,” I started, feeling like I was back home getting into a debate with an online troll. “Second of all, say what you will about the dialogue, but you can’t deny those movies helped expand the lore and world-building of the series going forward. Plus, there have battle droids. Need I say more?”

Aqua merely grumbled, crossing her arms and leaning back in her seat with a pouty expression. But then her expression brightened up as she snapped her fingers. “Actually, you know what? This is good, we can settle this: Darkness and Megumin have no idea what Star Wars is, so they’re the perfect judges to see how it holds up!”

“’Star Wars’?” Megumin parroted, a noticeable glint in her crimson-red eyes. “With a grandiose title like that, I can’t help but envision a great, cosmic war between celestial horrors among the stars in the night sky! Color me intrigued…”

Aqua and I looked at each other in mutual amusement, our previous spat all but forgotten over poor, young Megumin’s ignorance. She had much to learn about Star Wars, but that was to be expected given the fact that movies alone were a foreign concept in this world.

“I agree, these ‘Star Wars’ sound like such an extraordinary concept,” Darkness added with an interested smile. “Given the level of human advancement you’ve shared with us from your world, I can only imagine how your people’s perception of the heavens differs from ours.”

“Yeah, well, you guys are definitely in for a treat,” I assured them, though I suspected there was going to be a lot of explaining on my end. “Just...try go into it with an open mind, alright? Suspend your disbelief for the feature presentation.”

With enthusiastic nods and thumbs-up from each of them, I beamed in anticipation. Not only was I about to show my first ever friends something near and dear to me, but I was also about to be that guy who introduces Star Wars to people who've never seen it before! That’s like two milestones for the price of one!

Plus, this was a great opportunity to flex my Wookieepedia knowledge on them. Bonus! 

Suddenly, my eyes wandered to certain green clad adventurer and his partner tuning into our conversation, sitting at a table nearby. Normally I’d brush them off but…in the spirit of sharing nerd culture with a fellow nerd, I considered making an exception.

“Lemme guess, you overheard us name-dropping Star Wars and that got the geek boner rising, didn’t it?” I asked smugly, holding in a snort when I saw Yunyun go beet-red and heard Darkness fail to lecture me on being inappropriate while sputtering. “And here I thought you were above such Western masterpieces when you shot down my idea for tripping up the Destroyer like an AT-AT.”

“I never said that. I just didn’t think a sci-fi movie was a valid frame of reference for fighting a real-life mecha,” Kazuma remarked, cracking a small smile as he leaned back in his seat. “And for your information, I like Star Wars as much as the next guy. Personal favorite is Empire Strikes Back, as vanilla as that is.”

“It’s Revenge of the Sith for me with Empire as a close second,” I explained without missing a beat, smirking once we found ourselves in an easy conversation over mutual interests. “Also, funny how your favorite is Empire when that’s the very film I got my first idea from. To quote Sheev Palpatine, ‘Ironic…’.”

“His given name was ‘Sheev’? Seriously?” Kazuma balked, making me realize he probably wasn’t a hardcore, ultra-lore heavy fan like I was. “The guy who killed all the Jedi in an proxy war, pulled all the strings from the shadows...and his name was Sheev.”

“Tell me about it," I said with a slight chuckle. "But his name is far from the weirdest out there. You know that random guy who tried to sell Obi-Wan drugs at the beginning of Attack of the Clones?”

“Fucking, what?” 

“His name is literally ‘Elan Sleazebaggano’,” I revealed, grinning stupidly when I watched Kazuma’s already shocked expression morph into the pure embodiment of disbelief. “I’m tellin’ ya, man, Star Wars names make Crimson Demon names sound almost normal.”

“Oi, you got something to say about my people’s names?” Megumin interjected, socking me in the arm and glaring at me with mostly joking anger...I hope.

She then pointed at Kazuma and mimicked the punching motion. “And that goes double for you if you ever say as much about Yunyun!”

It was then that her self-proclaimed rival abruptly gasped and slowly put her hands over her chest. “M-Megumin…! You really do care…”

“Don’t let it go to your head or - gods forbid - your breasts!" Megumin sternly and weirdly insisted. "I’m only defending you for the sake of our clan's integrity.”

"That would imply we had integrity to begin with though..." Yunyun said to herself after turning away and shyly playing with her tie.

Kazuma cleared his throat and said, “Anyway, if what you’re saying is true and you actually managed to smuggle some movies from Earth…well, uh, heh, fuck – this is kind of awkward, isn’t it? Uh…think you could maybe invite me over for a movie night?”

“I can arrange that," I answered before holding up a hand and rubbing my fingers together expectantly. "For a small fee of course~”

For a full second, an irritated look crossed Kazuma’s face. But just as quickly as it appeared, he rolled his eyes and nodded with arms crossed. “Alright, alright. All about that ‘evil hustle’, I see. How much were you thinking?”

I hummed in deep thought as I glanced up at the ceiling and scratched my chin. “Well, seeing as how the Guild denied us our rightful reward for clearing the lake of alligators…I’m thinking 300,000 eris.” 

This time, the irritated look remained as Kazuma grit his teeth and looked at me with a much less patient expression. After a few seconds, he sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“That’s a lot of money for a single movie, Goggles...”

“Yeah, well, look at it from my perspective. We’re still up to our eyeballs in debt, we’ve been running into some bad luck with these recent quests, and…well, this was kind of supposed to be like a team bonding thing, y’know? Besides, I’m not forcing you to do anything, Green Bean. The question is: how badly do you wanna see Star Wars again?”

“...you are a terribly persuasive man when you want to be, anyone ever tell you that?” 

“I do have my moments!”

Grumbling, Kazuma retrieved a small pouch from his belt and plopped it down onto my table, raising his eyebrows as he did so. “This covers Yunyun too, right? Figured I’d bring her along.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, whatever,” I mumbled half-heartedly while stashing away the booty. Turning to face the girls, my enthusiasm returned as I said, “If you wanna save room for popcorn, I’d suggest you’d stop eating and start heading out! It’s movie night, bitches!”

“HEY!” They all cried out, apparently not too thrilled at being called that, even as a joke.

“Heh, heh…sorry,” I apologized with raised hands.

Half an hour later, the six of us had gathered in the lab with our respective snacks (Megumin was allowed a very strict supply), and sat down to watch the beginning of one of the greatest film sagas of all time. To be completely honest? It was one of the best nights I ever had!

We dragged the replacement couch we bought down so the girls and I could get the best seats in the house. When I gave our guests the option between my computer chair and the ratty mattress I kept in storage, Kazuma unsurprisingly let Yunyun have the chair while he put up with the mattress.

Thankfully, I was able to put an end to his grumbling when I passed him my magic 3D snack printer, which he was naturally left amazed by.

As a final touch, I activated the custom-coded subtitle program so everyone could follow along (given how the majority didn’t speak English). Confident that would do the trick, I set everything else up before joining the others on the couch and kicking back.

Given how awkward it was for the program to provide subtitles to the opening crawl, I volunteered to read it aloud for everybody in a deep, theatrical narrator voice which netted me a few chuckles. Of course, seeing as how this was a Star Wars movie, nearly all the JackBots crowded behind us to watch, ready to cheer for the battle droids whenever they made an appearance.

As an important aside, robot violence in media has always been something of an awkward subject for me and my boys. Don’t worry, I’ve long since reassured them that I would always be on Team Automaton in spirit. Besides, most of the JackBots have come to accept that it was no different than humans watching horror movies involving their kind getting butchered and slaughtered. Not a big deal, y’know?

Back to the recap, one of the few downsides of watching movies with newbies from a different world was that, at certain points, they’d get confused. Every so often, I’d have to pause the movie, do some explaining (be it a scientific concept or a scene and its significance in the broad story), and resume once everyone was on the same foot. While somewhat annoying, I did take great pride in wowing them with my Star Wars trivia. Even Kazuma seemed somewhat impressed as I taught him some Expanded Universe facts he didn’t know about.

Unsurprisingly, Megumin was glued to nearly all the action scenes, most notably the ones that had explosions in them. Though she remained adamant that hers were still superior even if she had yet to blow up a Droid Control Ship.

Likewise, Darkness found herself transfixed to the screen. While obviously projecting herself onto Jar Jar Binks, the village idiot that got on the characters’ nerves, she was also quite attentive during the political scenes. I’d catch her sitting up straight and nodding along to “Queen Amidala” as she tried to convince the Galactic Senate to pull their heads out of their asses and help stop an illegal trade blockade. Figures a noblewoman like her could relate to political drama, even one with literal aliens. 

Naturally, my boys were all riled up during the climactic battle between the droids and the Gungans, cheering on their metal brethren as expected. Likewise, my fist pump when Darth Maul killed Qui-Gon did not go unnoticed. Yunyun and Kazuma sparing me some particularly mortified looks. Gotta root for the evil home team, y’know?

“He becomes a Force ghost later...sorta. Don’t be a buncha babies,” I remembered saying to them as I leaned back and took a self-satisfying sip of cola. 

“You worry me sometimes, Goggles…” Green Bean muttered, before tilting his head and correcting himself. “Actually, scratch that. You worry me often.”

“Good. That means a villainous job well done on my end~”

Alas, the moment came when Darth Maul was cut in half by Obi-Wan, and Anakin destroyed the Droid Control Ship, signaling the defeat of the Trade Federation. Lame. But knowing how the Prequel Trilogy ends, the “happy ending” here didn’t really bother me all too much. If anything, I was smirking in amusement when Megumin, Darkness, and Yunyun clapped when the final festival scene transitioned to the end credits. That alone made the good guys winning slightly less painful for me to deal with.

Of course, since they’d both already seen the complete saga, Kazuma and Aqua both glanced at me with knowing eyes, actually getting a laugh out of me in the process. They knew me too well.

“Well, now that the culture shock has worn off, what are you girls’ thoughts?” I asked expectedly while allowing the credits to play on low volume. I already had a rough idea on what each of them thought about it, but I wanted to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth regardless.

“That was freaking AWESOME!” Megumin shouted, only having a mild sugar rush from the limited amount of snacks we allowed her. “Those battles, the Podracing, the lightsaber fight! So COOL!”

“I have to agree, that was truly something else, Jack,” Darkness supplied calmly but with an impressed smile all the same. “Even putting aside how it was like watching an elaborate theatre play through a magic mirror, the story, characters, and literal WORLDS were unlike anything I’ve ever seen or read! I was also quite intrigued with the world-building affected by the Senate’s red tape. Father and I have dealt with many corrupt nobles ourselves, so I truly felt for the queen of Naboo and her plight.”

"Eh, she should've just punched those stuffy politicians like Potemkin did in Punchin' Potemkin Brawls to Victory!" Megumin adamantly declared while shadowboxing. I turned to Darkness with a confused look.

"It's a popular play," She answered simply. Might have to check out for myself given the colorful description...

“The music was absolutely phenomenal, I’ve never heard anything like it before!” Yunyun gushed, having loosened up more than usual while watching the movie. “And the story no less! There was so much depth in the surrounding world, so much left to explore still!”

I glanced smugly over at Aqua. “I believe our judges have spoken: The Phantom Menace is a hit, politics and all! You can get to work on that carefully crafted apology now.”

“Ah-ah-ah! Not so fast! I still have one card left to play!” Aqua declared pridefully, turning to Kazuma and batting her eyelashes. “Sooooo, Kaz. What were your thoughts on the movie~?” 

“While I thought some of the performances were a little stiff and the dialogue could use a touch up, I still think it was just as good as I remembered!” The Japanese expressed without missing a beat. “It’s not perfect, but it is only one piece of an overarching narrative with its own self-contained story. So yeah, I liked it. Never imagined myself watching Star Wars in a fantasy world though. I’d be complaining about the clash in genres if I wasn’t enjoying myself right now!”

I turned back to the gaping Aqua with a shit-eating grin. “As I was saying, I’d like to have that well-worded apology letter on my desk by tomorrow morning, if you’d please~”

Aqua huffed and crossed her arms, leaning back into her side of the couch while pouting. “Fine, you win this time. But I still think the Original Trilogy is better.”

“Maybe so, but the Prequels have the most droids in them. So they’re the best in our book!” said one of the JackBots, resulting in cacophony of confirmatory beeps and boops amongst the crowd. Another valid point as always.

“Alright, I get it! There are more droids in the Prequels. Can’t argue with that,” Aqua relinquished, a small smile growing on her face as she leaned forward. “But can we at least talk about the little pet peeves people have about these movies? Like the whole thing between Padmé and Anakin?”

“Hmmm…I would, but that might be getting too deep into spoiler territory with these two here,” I said, jabbing a thumb over at Darkness and Megumin before turning to address them. “And judging by your glowing reviews, I trust you’re down for knocking out the rest of the saga? Yunyun’s welcome to join in if she wants…oh, and Green Bean too I guess.”

“Glad to be included as always…” Kazuma deadpanned, though his smile was quick to return. “But yeah, we got nothing planned for tomorrow. Care to do the honors, Goggles?”

With a snap of my fingers, one of the bots excitedly hovered over to the computer I had hooked up to the widescreen, setting up Episodes II – VI for us to binge the whole night through.

It suddenly dawned on me as I remembered how my original plans for a movie night marathon went bust shortly before I died and got reincarnated. So, in a way, it was like things had finally come full circle, except now I had three stupidly awesome girls to add to my evil robot family…and Kazuma and Yunyun were there, which I didn’t totally mind even if we didn’t exactly consider each other friends.

…I wonder how Dust and his gang would feel about joining in on movie nights…

And that about wraps up the important stuff from this week! Working on downloading a few more movies for the future, get together or not. Already up to 20%, so that’s good! Should only be another week or so till that’s finished up.

Sadly, it seems no matter what adjustments or magical augmentations I make to my multidimensional network router, there’s just no getting around that pesky time flow difference. Downloading anything from my old computer takes longer than dial-up, so it’s just something I’ve come to begrudgingly accept. Not only that, but it’s a one-way street too; can’t send messages to YesBot or any of the other Earth-homeboys; only steal files and junk. I’ll find a way to get in contact with them someday, just you wait…

For a nice closing statement, I'm finally making headway on some of the more specialized bots. They'll help me get payback on Princess Iris soon enough. Nobody makes Jack Spicer pay a debt the size of a country and gets away with it! My boys should be intimidating enough to scare the bejeezus out of the kid. They usually are. 

Well, that’s all I got for now. Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius (and future Neo Devil King), signing off!

Chapter Text

As I sat at the guild's bar, munching on fried toad legs and chugging down some Neroid Swish (which I still have yet to identify a distinct flavor or texture for), a moody thought crossed my mind:

I am the unluckiest man around. 

Not exactly a new revelation, I’m aware. But the reason this struck me was due to the losing streak my friends and I were on with quests lately. You’d think that with Darkness’s gloves, the JackBots' upgrades, and the overall momentum we’ve been on, it'd be smooth sailing from here on out.

But all of the sudden, our winning streak kinda just...slowed down. We went from steamrolling expert-level monster exterminations to barely completing basic fetch-quests. Unpredicted or unpreventable pitfalls would spring up and ruin everything for us that day. And the few rewards we did receive weren’t as much as we made before. 

I've been on losing streaks back home, so normally I wouldn't dwell on it this much. But knowing what I know now about a certain Luck Goddess upstairs, I’ve become a lot more conscious about seemingly random circumstances hindering my progress. Even when it seemed as though the cards were stacked in my favor, Eris (allegedly) would throw a wrench in my plans and make me want to pull my hair out.

Luna's assured me that the Luck stat doesn't affect adventuring by all that much. But when yours is as low as mine, it might as fucking well.

Naturally, morale amongst the group was at an all-time low. The girls bailed on having lunch with me and opted to head back home, probably to mope in private. Figures that even when we're all doing poorly, I'm the only one openly sulking. If I was going to be in a crappy mood, I was going to let the whole world know it, dammit!

…

Y'know, I could always fall back to stealing. It has been a while since I did a bad old fashioned break-in. Think the last time I did one was when I snuck into the local smithy to melt down M-Guy's magic sword, and that was months ago. Still, slipping into restricted areas and robbing 'em blind has always been something that came to me naturally, even with my unlucky track record prior to reincarnation.

All I’d need to do was target a noble's house, steal a few priceless antiques, sell them off to the highest bidder, and BAM! We'll be swimming in the eris again, baby! Plus, with my MK II NinjaBots already built, I can amp up productivity on any heist I want! Who’s evil management material? Jack Spicer, that’s who!

My brainstorming was interrupted when someone sat in the empty stool next to me. When I realized who it was, I did a double take.

"Hey, didn’t I rob you before?"

The silver-haired girl in minimal clothing winced in what I hope was just a playful manner. 

“Damn, way to cut a Thief deep, Jack. Is this really the thanks I get for teaching you some of my skills?"

Oh yeah, Chris, now I remember. Guess she's been out of town for so long that she sorta just slipped under my radar. Must've been out in the world doing thief-y things and the like.

"To be fair, you did leave a bad first impression with that little pickpocket attempt,” I said while swirling my weird fantasy drink. “And not the fun kind of bad either. More like the 'I'm annoyed at you' kind of bad. Big difference."

Chris snorted, "Yeah, feels like that should be undercut with the part where you extorted me in the aftermath. But I'm gonna let that go for now.” She then leaned back as far as she could on a stool and closed her eyes, confident as always. "Because I have a job opportunity I think you’d be interested in."

"Depends on how evil it is," I said with a devious smirk. "Thieves are infamous for their lack of a moral compass, and I can respect that. Though I haven't quite nailed down what type of thief you are just yet. You tried to steal from me, which was pretty evil. But I am a bad guy and there's a chance you only steal to give to charity. If it's the latter, then count me out."

"Wow….Kazuma wasn't kidding. Your moral compass really is a roulette wheel." 

Not to self: smack that green-cloaked dumbass next time I see him. 

"Anyway, uh, I suppose you could consider this little venture a mixed bag. You would technically be doing good by helping me steal what I'm after, but the payout is well worth it I’d say."

I made a face followed by a noise as I mentally weighed my options. Unless the world I was trying to conquer was at stake or I'm not in the right evil state of mind (looking at you, “Good Jack”), I'd never go out of my way to do something good.

Although…my team and I were strapped for cash at the moment. And no matter how you slice it, stealing is still a crime in the eyes of the law. Hmmm…

"Tell me what the job entails and how I can stand to benefit from it. Then I’ll decide if it’s worth sacrificing my evil integrity."

"I can work with that," Chris replied with that ever strong smirk of hers. “Finish your lunch and meet me behind the guild. Can’t risk discussing it out in the open. You never know when someone has the Eavesdrop or Lip-Reading skill before it’s too late.”

Why would anyone need magical skills to do either of those things? Just eavesdrop and read lips normally, people. Save skill points that way. 

Chris got up and left discreetly as I polished off my meal in a timely manner. Chugging the last of my fizzy, cat-based soft drink, I paid for lunch with the spending money from Keele’s loot before taking my leave. Despite settling things with Kazuma, the guild’s patrons still didn’t appreciate my initial disregard for “one of their own”, leaving me to pay for my own food.

And to add insult to injury, the adventurers will spot the girls’ meals right in front of me! The nerve! Gonna have to memorize their faces when I inevitably take over…for reasons.

Getting back on track, I made sure no one was looking before activating Lurk to sneak around the back of the building. It was truly the perfect spot for scheming: plenty of shade and tons of trash cans for cover. The smell could be better though. 

“ Pssst! Over here…!”

Chris startled me when she suddenly appeared out of thin air to wave me over. Must’ve cloaked herself with Lurk too. But I wonder how she knew where I was despite being nearly invisible. Maybe her better eyesight allowed her to see the faint ripple effects coming off my body due to the spell. It wasn’t like the Shroud of Shadows which grants true invisibility, only partial. 

“Damn near gave me a heart attack!” I whispered-yelled as I crouched down next to her behind one of the many trash cans. “This job had better be worth squatting next to smelly trash…”

"It will be, promise,” Chris reassured with a wink before getting serious. “There’s a mansion a few miles out owned by Alderp, the governing lord of Axel. He was attending a ball at the capital when it got hit by the coronatite, so he’s stuck in the Royal Hospital while his son takes his place. Without his uptight father to hound on the guards’ asses, security at House Alexei should be pretty lax. In other words? The perfect time for a heist. Help me steal something specific and you’re free to take anything else you can carry."

"Hmm…alright, I'm hearin' ya so far," I hummed with a nod. “Fail to see how this operation could be misconstrued as good, though. You make it sound pretty despicable, and it’s honestly getting me a little pumped."

"Let’s just say I’m trying to cover all my bases. You're not the only person I'm bringing along, after all. Oh, and I have only two rules: don't kill anyone and obviously don't get caught. I have my own reputation to uphold, y’know."

"Tell me about it. Anyway, if those are the only conditions, then I'm game,” I said before smirking evilly. "Robbing an innocent noble's house while his son is in charge sounds fun and rewarding. Jacky like-y~"

Chris awkwardly scratched the scar on her cheek. "Ehhh...Alderp isn't exactly what you’d call ‘innocent’. He’s arguably the most notorious nobles around, especially if the allegations are anything to go by. It’s why I’m targeting his mansion; I tend to only steal from the corrupt." 

I frowned. “Jacky less like-y now…”

"Ugh, you’re killing me here, man,” Chris sighed while shaking her head. “Look, if it helps with your weird weighing system, Walther is a pretty upstanding guy by comparison. He was a commoner before Alderp adopted him, so he actually knows a thing or two about humility."

I mulled her words over in my head…

"I can work with that."

"Thank you. The heist starts tomorrow at 1 in the morning, we're meeting outside the main gate. We'll take a wagon around the forest just outside of Alderp’s estate. If we avoid running into monsters, we should be there at around 2 or 3 A.M. That’ll be late enough and dark enough to give us the upper hand." Chris extended a hand out to me, smiling. "Looking forward to doing business with you, Jacky."

I eyed her hand skeptically. "You're not gonna pull away at the last second and give me a wet willy, are you?"

The Thief’s smile fell as she looked at me in utter bewilderment.

"What? No, I am not going to give you a wet willy - we're in the middle of a deal! Has that happened to you before?"

"Yeah, it has," I grumbled irritably. "Granted, the demonic earwig was possessing the cowboy-monk, but still."

"...the less I know about that, the better." 

Chris eventually took my hand for herself and shook it before rising to her feet. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow night. Until then, at least try to keep the ‘evil’ stuff on the downlow, ‘kay?"

“I make no promises~” I teased with a mock salute.

“I know you’re being cute, but I seriously hope I’m not making a mistake recruiting you.”

Chris copied my gesture before going off to prepare for our big heist. What we were planning to do may not be 100% evil, but I was still going to make bank by the end!

And they do say money is the root of evil, so there’s that.

It was hard curbing my excitement over Chris's heist offer around my team. If the girls knew what was about to go down, they would've gotten all self-righteous with me, Darkness especially. Converting them to the dark side was going to take baby steps, so coming out the gate and telling them I was planning on robbing a noble's house probably would've been too much too soon.

Anyway, once I turn in my haul to finish paying off the debt, I might tell 'em afterwards when all’s said and done. Let them test the evil waters, dip their toes in the shallow end before taking a dive in the deep end, y'know?

As dusk finally arrived, I made my way out of the mansion and down to the edge of town, my black trench coat already making for decent stealth attire. The only other thing I went to grab in addition to my usual outfit was a ski mask. Can't beat the classics!

When I arrived at the meetup spot, I found Chris and our apparent third heist member waiting next to the wagon.

"Really?" I asked Chris in exasperation. "You brought the guy who compared my moral compass to a roulette wheel? At least tell me he's our getaway driver or something…"

Yup, turns out the third member was none other than Green Been himself, though he was wearing significantly less green tonight as he was similarly dressed in black for the occasion.

"Nice to see you too, Goggles…" Kazuma huffed in annoyance before turning to Chris with an equally bemused look. "You never mentioned he was our third, Big Boss. I didn't even realize you two were on good terms after the whole mugging thing."

"Yeah, well, I figured with his tech and cunning on our side, our chances of success would increase tenfold," Chris replied casually, resting her arms behind her head as she shot Green Bean a sly smirk. "You know what they say, Assistant-kun: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

"Still not super crazy about that alias you gave me. I feel like that should be a discussion for later." 

“Not my fault you lost that rock-paper-scissors match. Besides, would you rather I call you my minion instead?”

“Fine, fine. Point taken.”

I couldn’t help but feel a little left out here, so I cleared my throat in a way to get their attention.

“So, uh, do I get an alias too or…?” I asked awkwardly.

Chris and Kazuma looked at me. Then they looked at each other. Then back at me. The former spoke first.

“I thought we were all in agreement it was Goggles?”

“Yeah. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?”

I felt my eye twitch as I threw my hands up in frustration.

“Seriously!? You two get to have your own private nicknaming session, and I get stuck with Green Bean’s little jab at me!?”

“Like ‘Goggles’ is any worse of a nickname than ‘Green Bean’?” Chris deadpanned, her flat look matching her tone. 

“Just be grateful I didn’t go with the popular contenders like ‘Jack Whiner’ or ‘Ghoul Boy’,” Kazuma added, basking in his own smugness. “I give as good as I get, y’know.”

“Oh yeah? How about I give you a knuckle sandwich then!?”

“LADIES, ladies! Settle down! You’re both smart and pretty,” Chris sardonically declared as she literally stepped in to break up a beatdown. She turned to address me, “Jack, to make up for this unforgivable transgression on our part, why don’t I give you the honor of coming up with a codename for the heist? After all, every secret operation’s gotta have a codename.”

“Don’t fucking coddle him, Big Boss,” Kazuma hissed. “How’s he supposed to learn that he can’t always get what he wants if you enable him?”

Chris didn’t miss a beat, “Frankly, Assistant-kun, I don’t fancy another ‘sky-diving lesson’ from him if I don’t at least compromise.”

Okay, now I feel kinda gross looking back on that…

“For the record, I would’ve caught you long before you actually hit the ground,” I mumbled shyly. “It was just a scare tactic…”

“I already told you I was willing to let that go. But thank you for having a conscience,” Chris complimented in a backhanded manner. “Now come up with a codename so we can get going.”

Despite being told to hurry, I cupped my chin while racking my brain for ideas. Having plenty of experience leading evil teams in the past (backstabbers though they may be), I was no stranger to coming up with cool operation names. As such, I snapped my fingers as the perfect title came to me.

"Operation: Robin Hoodwinked! See, since we're stealing from a rich guy mostly for our own monetary gain, it’s an appropriately evil name with an ironic twist! Genius, no?"

While Chris raised an eyebrow at my ingenious pitch, Kazuma relented in visible frustration.

"Dammit, that's actually kinda clever…" 

“Thank you, Assistant-kun~”

He pointed a finger at me. “Only Chris gets to call me that. It sounds wrong coming from you. Now are we moving out or what?

"I’m sorry, but is Master Jack not in charge here?"

“HOLY HELL!”

Kazuma nearly jumped out of his skin when one of my NinjaBots snuck up on him and asked. Even Chris seemed to have been caught off-guard, and I'm fairly certain she has Enemy Detection as well. Maybe both of theirs didn't go off since we're all on the same side? Perhaps that’s something to look into later.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I'm bringing a few friends of my own,” I stated proudly as the remaining squad lept out of the shadows. “Meet my new and improved NinjaBots!" 

While they were just regular JackBot units with lower torsos and black bodysuits, they were specially programmed and modified with ninja-like reflexes to make for some sick stealth units. 

"Could've told us that before the jumpscare…" Kazuma mumbled, watching one of the bots as he took a precautionary step back. "When did you even have time to design these guys? Were they made just for the occasion?"

"Actually, they’re upgrades from a prototype I made back home," I answered easily. Talking about my robots was something that fit right into my comfort zone. "A Shen Gong Wu went off in your home country a few years back and I dressed one of my regular robots as a ninja to swipe it when no one was looking. Figured I’d make dedicated NinjaBots with proper stealth protocols, even if the first one still got the job done."

"Huh. Well, the more you know I guess!" Chris chirped, having already recovered from my boys' sudden appearance. "Nothing wrong with having an extra set of hands and eyes with us, right?"

"Affirmative! And with these newly cut-out eyeholes, we'll be able to see where we're going unlike our predecessor!" 

I facepalmed when one of the NinjaBots let that embarrassing tidbit slip. By the time I removed my hand from my face, my two partners-in-crime were staring blankly at me.

"Seriously…?” Kazuma uttered. 

While my own mask thankfully hid my red-hot face, I hastily retorted, "LOOK! I'm more of a big picture guy than a details guy! If you wanna take over the world, you gotta get a full sense of the scope! Not get bogged down over every small, minute thing."

"Hmmm, I think making sure your minions can actually see is pretty important in the grand scheme of things," Chris chimed in with a smirk of her own, sadly not faltering under my immediate glare. "But hey, what do I know? I’m just a humble Thief. Speaking of, we’ve wasted enough time chit-chatting. Let’s move out, people!”

With muted nods of agreement, we parked our keisters up on the wagon while the NinjaBots trail behind us in the shadows. Originally, Chris was going to assign her “Assistant-kun” on driver duty. But I was feeling merciful on the poor schmuck and let one of my robots take the metaphorical wheel. Kazuma was very reluctant to give his thanks, but with enough teasing from his “Big Boss”, he expressed gratitude. It’s awesome being me sometimes. 

True to Chris’s word, it only took an hour or so before we reached the outskirts of Alderp's mansion. Credit where it was due: the place was swanky. Spicer Mansion II used to belong to a noble, but this noble was definitely higher-ranked if all the gold trimmings in the architecture were any indication. Hell, it even put the OG Spicer Mansion to shame if I’m being honest. All the more reason to ransack it. 

We left the carriage on the edge of the forest so as to not attract attention. Infiltration of the front gates was child’s play with my trusty HeliBot. Using my wrist communicator, I sent two NinjaBots to quietly incapacitate two guards stationed up front, but not before letting them mess with them first. This included tapping their shoulders from behind, only to silently leap away and leave them whipping their heads around before going in for the not-kill. 

Once the guards were knocked out, I used Bind to keep them bound and gagged as the NinjaBots dragged them away before unlocking the gate. My associates soon let themselves in, clearly impressed with me.

"Not a bad start, Jacky,” Chris complimented. “Let's try to keep this winning streak going, yeah? We’ve got a long night ahead of us.”

We advanced deeper into the front courtyard, skillfully darting past patrols with remarkable ease. Kazuma and I did have a few close calls, but nothing major to arouse suspicion in the other guards. Even so, it was obvious Chris was upstaging us, being the more experienced thief and all. 

By the time we caught up to our employer behind a large hedge, Green Bean and I had to catch our breaths.

“Who needs…a front yard…THIS big?” I asked in between pants.

“That’s just nobles for ya: always love to show off their real estate,” Chris quipped as she looked on in amusement. “C’mon, you two, we’ve only just started. You can’t be this tuckered out already?”

"Hey…!" I huffed with my hands on my knees, almost forgetting how much leg work breaking and entering took. "If I still had…my Monkey Staff…I'd be giving you a run for your money…"

"The hell is a Monkey Staff...and where can I get one?" Kazuma asked between ragged breaths. "Damn, after all this adventuring, I thought I'd have built up more stamina…"

"Right, well, as fun as it is watching you two keep up, we still got a job to do," Chris chided playfully, waving us both over to where she was perched. "Up and at 'em boys. I think I found us an opening."

Quietly mocking her little comment, I flew up to the rooftop while Kazuma used his Sniping skill to launch an arrow up in the air and climb up using a rope he tied onto it, effectively creating a makeshift grappling hook. Honestly not too shabby. My method was leagues better, but still, points for ingenuity.

"On the far side of this rooftop, there's a drop down to one of the balconies. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to look inside, so I have no idea if the attached room is occupied or not," Chris reported. "So…who's willing to bite the arrow and take the risk? I'd do it myself, but I still need to be on the lookout for more patrols."

"I'll do it," I volunteered. "Dunno about you, but I'm pretty sure I have more experience burglarizing than your lackey over here. I'll drop down and see what's what."

"By all means, go for it," Kazuma huffed, already regretting Chris’s cute little codename for him. "Try not to die."

Shooting the Japanese with a pointed look, I took the plunge…

And came out of it with a mildly grazed butt. Not as smooth as I would’ve liked, but it could’ve been worse. 

After tending to my sore backside (and ignoring the muffled snickering of Green Bean), I peered inside the unlit room using my Farsight skill. It was a fancy bedroom, packed with décor that could make any burglar's eyes turn into dollar signs.

Unfortunately, problems arose when I took note of the sole occupant of the room: a young man, early 20s, sleeping peacefully in his bed…with the covers pulled down…exposing his toned abdomen…

"Goddamnit, why did he have to be a looker…?”

"Hey! The hell are you muttering about down there?" Kazuma whisper-yelled to me, prompting me to look up and glare at him. "Do we have company or what?"

"Don't rush me! And yeah, I found Pretty Boy's room," I whisper-yelled back. "Only I wasn't accounting for him to be this pretty. It's kinda distracting; he might compromise the mission..."

"…What?! What are you talking about you fucking - gah, screw it! I'm coming down!" 

Sticking the landing like a showoff, Kazuma stood beside me on the balcony and peered through the glass door. 

"Oh c’mon – he's not even that hot! Certainly not enough to keep you from robbing his ass!"

"Look, he may not have glistening abs like Darkness, but I have a thing for toned guys – !" 

I argued before immediately freezing up once I realized my Freudian slip. 

I stared Kazuma down with the most evil glare I could muster as I pointed vehemently at him, ever grateful for the ski mask hiding my burning face.

"Not a word to my team. Got it!?"

"Jeez man, relax. I know the bro code, my lips sealed," Kazuma replied with an eye-roll before he lit up, seemingly having an idea. "’Course, we could always trade one-for-one so you can have an insurance policy, if that makes you feel better."

"...come again?"

Kazuma groaned (not my fault he came up with a weird metaphor!). "You let slip that you find your Crusader friend hot. I could pay it back with a little 'slip-up' of my own. An insurance policy so neither of us snitched on the other."

“That sounds more like mutually assured destruction to me.”

“If that’s how you wanna look at it. Now do you wanna know who I’ve got a thing for or not? I don’t really care either way.”

Despite Green Bean’s annoying laissez-faire attitude, I was becoming a little curious on who he had a crush on. But just as I was about to ask…

"Well...truth be told, I've kinda got a thing for -"

"Oi, what’s the holdup?"

With rotten timing, Chris gracefully landed on the balcony and glared at us. “We’re on a mission and you two are busy gossiping like maidens on a wedding night!”

"Not my fault stupid, sexy rich kids are making my job harder than it is!” I whisper-yelled back before my eyes widened at the potential double entendre. “Don’t take that out of context.”

“Seems my bestie has had an influence on your speech patterns. I’ll pray for you after this is over.”

Without saying another word, Chris brushed past us and walked up to the balcony door. She then quietly cast a Lockpick skill to…lockpick the door.

Again, why is there a skill for something so mundane? Next you’re going to tell me there’s a skill for wiping my own ass.

Well, either way, Chris got the door unlocked for us. She gestured for Kazuma and I to carefully and sneakily follow her into Walther’s bedroom. Once inside, my fellow burglars and I wasted no time grabbing everything that wasn't nailed down. I ordered all available NinjaBots up to our position and had them pass the goods along in a stealthy assembly line all the way back to the wagon as we ransacked the room.

"Alright, we're gonna start moving further into the house now. Remember, keep it quiet, " Chris instructed as the NinjaBots smuggled away the last of our first haul. The three of us exited the young noble's room and quietly made our way through the halls in search of more goodies to steal.

We made it about two hallways in before I spotted an ornate portrait on the wall. I had to slap a hand over my mouth to keep from bursting out loud.

"Jeez, who puts makeup on a gorilla and frames it?" I snorted as I mocked the painting of the hairy beast. Talk about a hilarious eye sore.

"Dude, that's Alderp. Not a gorilla," Kazuma corrected, casting a thoughtful look at the portrait before stifling his own laughs. "But I can see the resemblance."

Suddenly, my bubbling giggles died out when his words set in. Upon closer inspection…it really was just a fat, hairy, blonde man with a mustache and gross grin. Yuck. Guess I had tangible proof now that not every guy in this world was a candidate for Mr. Universe.

“Really? Well damn. If I didn’t believe his son was adopted, I certainly do now. No way a stud like him shares the same genes as this…thing.”

"I heard a rumor that Alderp’s impotent and that’s why he remarries so often. There’s potentially other, less savory reasons too, but I buy it being a factor," Kazuma remarked with a shrug before giving me a pointed look. "Now focus, will ya? We got shit to do, and you lusting over the ape-man's son isn’t helping."

"You're certainly one to talk, Assistant-kun,” Chris interjected with a sly smirk, currently rooting through some nearby table drawers. “Need I remind you of the time you stole my panties and waved them around like a flag, crying tears of joy all the while?" 

"We agreed to keep that confidential!" Kazuma hissed with flushed cheeks. "Contrary to popular belief, I'm not as much of a scum-fuck as some idiots think I am. I'm actually trying to be better these days. Seriously, you steal panties one time and no one lets you forget…"

"Well, there's also the fact you use that incel logic about 'gender equality' as an excuse to dropkick women that get on your nerves," I added as the three of us moved away from the portrait of Alderp (something that ugly wasn't worth stealing, let alone valuable). "I don't even do that, and I want to take over the world with my friends for badness' sake. Friends who are women that get on my nerves, I might add."

"Okay, okay, I get it! Lay off!" Kazuma grumbled as we continued to sneak around, peeking in rooms for any particular valuables. "Like I said, I'm trying to be better. Yunyun has been a huge help, of course, but with how much ammo you two have to use on me, I clearly got a lot of work ahead of me."

"You know, with a backstory as tragic as mine, you could have your work cut out to be a supervillain. With how…hold that thought. Lurk."

On cue, we all activated our Lurk skill and pressed our backs against the wall as a tired night guard passed by us. The few NinjaBots that'd been trailing us had leapt to the ceiling and were carefully holding themselves up as they waited for the schmuck to pass by. When he finally did, we came out of hiding and I continued my train of thought.

"As I was saying, with how no-nonsense and cutthroat you are, you have the makings of a bona fide bad guy, my guy! The sexual harassment stuff is a bit much, but why not learn to embrace your inner scumbag and roll with it? Have a little fun being evil~"

"I dunno, man. Isn't it kind of a slippery slope when it comes to morals? I mean, where does one draw the line at 'true evil'? How far would you have to go to be in the wrong if doing bad is good?"

"Uuuhhh…I-I don't know, you're overthinking it!" I managed to get out after handing over an expensive-looking vase to one of the NinjaBots. "Look, you don't have to be the next Hitler or Stalin to be bad. Just being corrupt and self-serving is more than enough to meet the evil criteria. Well, you also need an evil laugh and a unique style to call your own. Oh, and a heroic arch-nemesis or four as an added bonus."

"...your villainy system is both childishly stupid yet remarkably convoluted," Kazuma deadpanned as he handed one of the bots a golden lamp. "I think I'll stick to the lighter side of things. Being evil doesn't make me feel better about myself like it does for you. It just makes me feel dirty and sad."

"Different strokes for different folks I guess. Anyway, hey, Chris, you think Alderp's got a super-secret stash somewhere? Like an underground treasure vault or something?"

"Firstly, it's Big Boss. Stick to the code names, Goggles," The Thief snarked before flashing another wicked grin. "Secondly, you're not wrong. He's got a few goodies tucked away in his room from what my intel said. I was planning on clearing out this entire floor first, but if you're itching for a bigger score…"

"I'm always itching for a bigger score, baby. If you know where the booty is, lead the way."

Chris stared at me weirdly. “Bold choice of words to say to a girl there, Goggles.”

I scratched the back of my neck as the awkward prickly feeling made me itchy. “Hehe, uh, sorry about that. Kind of a verbal tic, y’know?”

"Duly noted. Now try to keep up, you two. What I’m really after should be just up ahead." 

Chris darted over to a nearby staircase without the slightest sound and jumped over the railing. Kazuma and I shared a brief look of disdain over more acrobatic sneaking before following after her, sticking to the shadows wherever we could.

After giving a few more inattentive guards the slip, Chris eventually directed us to what I assumed to be the big cheese's room. Given the lavish king-sized bed, fancier-than-usual décor, and yet another hideous portrait of Alderp "tying" the room together, it had to be his.

"Secret safe behind the painting and/or a hidden passage behind that bookshelf over there," I immediately called out upon first glance. "Every rich guy has at least one or the other. I should know."

"Normally I’d call bullshit, but I gotta admit: that self-portrait feels a little too suspicious, unchecked ego or no,” Kazuma commented before leveling me a look. “But I still think you watch too many cartoons.”

"I could say the same thing about you and anime, you know," I shot back. 

“Well, you boys are both right. I can sense the main prize hiding behind the painting with my Detect Treasure skill,” Chris said. “Nor am I sensing any traps with Detect Trap.”

“Same here,” Kazuma added.

There’s just a skill for literally everything, is there? At least those two sound useful and not something you can simply learn on your own.

I made my way over to the framed train wreck. What do ya know: taking it off the wall reveals a hidden safe. Shocker! 

"Called it. Say, how about I give this one a crack?"

Chris gave me a smirk and a thumbs up. With her go ahead, I pulled out the stethoscope I brought with me and -

“Uh, where did you get that?” Kazuma asked.

“Don’t worry about it.”

I brushed my cohort aside and got to work. A minute or two later, I heard the glorious click of victory, and cracked that baby wide open to reveal…!

"…this is a joke, right?"

Inside the safe was nothing more than a single, smooth stone. That was it. No stacks of paper eris or gold/silver coins. There wasn’t even an embarrassing diary to laugh at! Just a fucking pet rock.

"That’s the ‘big score’ we were after?” Kazuma asked aloud as she stepped up to get a closer look at the pebble. “Is it like a weird family heirloom or what?”

"Uh, yeah, family heirloom! Those things are worth a lot on the black market. Now you know what I was after all along!" Chris said almost bashfully as she scratched the scar on her cheek.

Kazuma and I glanced at each other, a mutual suspicion having risen between us. On the one hand, Chris hadn't steered us wrong yet, and she didn't seem likely to. But on the other hand, it was very odd that she hadn't mentioned this little do-dad before if it was so important. We could just be overthinking things, but still.

"Uh, Big Boss? I've come to notice you scratch your scar whenever you're nervous," Kazuma admitted right out the gate with crossed arms. "There's more to this 'heirloom' than meets the eye, isn't there? I'd like to think we have the right to know what this is really about. You know, as partners? "

Chris actually seemed to falter for a moment before sighing, holding up her hands as if to contemplate us. 

"Alright, you got me...it's not a simple trinket or an heirloom. What Jack is holding right now is called a Divine Treasure. They’re dangerous artifacts that pose a threat to the world when in the wrong hands, like those of Alderp. My goal was to steal it from him and seal it so that no one can abuse its power."

Ah. So this must be the quote-unquote "good" that we were supposedly doing by raiding this guy's house. While that does still make me want to throw up a little in my mouth, I’ll admit, if it prevents another wannabe world conqueror from rising to power, I can look the other way. This world isn't big enough for two evil dickbags.

"A mystical artifact that can bring about the end of the world? Gee, where have I heard that one before…?" I mumbled sarcastically as I started to juggle the Wu-like object with one hand. "So what's it supposed to do? This isn't exactly my first rodeo when it comes to magic knickknacks."

"That talisman allows you to summon a random monster for its wielder to control, but at a heavy price," Chris elaborated before extending her hand once more. "And would you quit playing with it like that? "

Kazuma and I weren’t even close to done with grilling this chick on how she knew so much about these divine thingies. However, before either of us could continue the interrogation, a new, almost sultry voice spoke up out of nowhere.

"Steal~"

Suddenly, the not-Wu I'd been holding disappeared from my hand in a flash of light. This was followed by a window swinging open, revealing a girl with black hair and yellow eyes in semi-skimpy clothing like Chris. A subdued smirk rested on her face as she addressed us with enough smug to make any villain proud.

Although there were certain…assets about her that made it a little hard for me to appreciate that.

"For fuck's sake – if I see one more hot guy or gal in the next five minutes, I'm gonna implode!"

"Goggles, get your head in the game! I know we're all thinking it, but focus!" Kazuma snapped, drawing out his short sword and pointing it at the woman. "Oi, bitch! That doesn't belong to you...or us, really, but we found it first! So fork it over! Don’t think I’ll go easy on you because you’re a girl!"

“It’s true! He’ll even use it as an opportunity to get handsy! I wouldn’t risk it!”

“How are you more of a bastard than me…?”

"My, my! What a colorful cast of goons you've assembled for yourself, Chris," the scantily-clad Thief commented before making a mocking, pouty face at the silver-haired girl. "And to think the 'greatest' Thief in Belzerg needed the help of two boys to do her dirty work. Where’s that sexy lone wolf I worked so hard to chase after in the past, hmm~?"

Slowly, Kazuma and I glanced at each other, then to Chris. While her poker face was still going strong, her cheeks were flushed a bright scarlet dangerously similar to my hair. 

Interesting…very interesting indeed.

I cleared my throat, "Look, uh, I know we're in the middle of a thing right now, but I gotta ask…gay or bi? I'm the latter if sharing makes you feel better."

"Dude…read the room. Not the time," Kazuma said with an utterly tired look, which – given the hilarity of our current standoff – was fair. "Jeez, if I knew this was how tonight was gonna play out, I would've stayed in bed...or at least finish those oil lighter prototypes for Vanir."

"Excuse me – the fuck are you doing inventing things on my watch? And for Vanir of all people!?"

"...wow," the mystery woman interjected, catching my attention as I realized all the smugness had drained away from her face. Instead, it was replaced with visceral confusion that even someone as socially clueless as me could pick up on. "I…genuinely don't know what to say. I've never had to deal with this much scatterbrained nonsense before. Chris, where did you get these two nimrods!?"

"From Axel. Where all the nimrods come from," Chris barked irritably, shaking away the blush on her face as she glared her ex-girlfriend down. "Melissa, what you have in your hands is a dangerous artifact that needs to be sealed before harm can be done with it. Put your damn ego aside for once and hand it over. We'll give you all the jewels we've looted if you do. Thieves' honor."

"That's an oxymoron," I mumbled quietly to myself. Guess I wasn't quiet enough because the next thing I knew, I was tending a very sore arm when Chris delivered a rough punch to it. "OW- WAH! It's just my opinion!"

"That's not an opinion, that's just the truth," Kazuma chimed in, promptly earning his own punch to the shoulder. But rather than simply taking it like me, he returned the favor by punching Chris back with no hesitation. He really was ruthless, gender be damned.

"The fuck was that for, Chris!? Don't go hitting us for being right, hit us for being wrong! "

Chris sharply hissed through her teeth in pain from Kazuma’s punch before directing her glare onto him. "So, you really aren't above hitting a girl! Between this and stealing my panties, no wonder people call you Scumzuma and Kazutrash!"

"That's it – WHO THE HELL KEEPS CALLING ME THAT! Gimme their names, I'm gonna show 'em how scummy I can really be when I get my hands on them!"

At this point, Kazuma and Chris looked seconds away from throwing hands, resulting in me backing up next to Melissa, who had now turned her attention to me with a look I imagine demanded answers I couldn't hope to provide. I offered her a hopeless shrug.

"Sorry, this is kinda new for us…"

"…who in Eris's name are you people…?"

"Oh, well that I can answer. I'm Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius!" I pulled out one of the few calling cards I had on me when I initially died in Hong Kong. "Here's my card~"

Hesitantly accepting the card, she tilted her head back to the other two burglars, who were now circling each other in what was likely going to be the beginning of a killer brawl.

"Right...well, I'm Melissa, master Treasure Hunter. I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a blatant lie." 

“Eh, no worries. I tend to get that a lot.”

With our unspoken truce now settled upon, she glanced back at the stewing with a raised brow. "So...how often does this happen?"