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"Oh, uh...good morning, May."
May usually didn't answer the door when someone showed up at 3 am. But she had come to recognize Coulson's signature knock and knew that the only reason he would come to her at such an hour would be because of something important. Andrew was still asleep, something she was grateful for. She had managed to slip away without waking him, not wanting to have to explain why her best friend was at their house so early on a weekday. Andrew liked Phil, she knew that. But the last thing she wanted to do was start up an argument about who was allowed to come knocking this early.
"Phil?" She yawned, only one eye open as she stared sleepily at him. Her pajama shirt was sliding off of one shoulder, her hair mussed from getting out of bed in a hurry.
As adorable as it was to see her like this, he did feel guilty for waking her.
"Can I come in…?"
She blinked, yawned again, and stepped aside for him to enter. She rolled her eyes as she locked the door behind him, checking the time on the stove as they walked into the kitchen. "It's 3 o'clock in the morning, Phil. What are you doing here?"
"Is it really 3?" He checked his watch, his cheeks coloring when he realized she was right. "Oh, sorry. Guess it is."
May studied him properly in the light of the kitchen, the dark circles under his eyes worrying her. He looked almost haunted in his rumpled t-shirt and jeans. She had seen him in this condition before, during their last Finals Week before graduation. Neither of them slept much that entire week, or the week before. There had been many nights spent together, pouring over textbooks and acting out field scenarios until their eyes ached and their brains felt like mush. She remembered waking up at 4 pm the day after they had finished their exams, curled into his side on his couch, with both of their textbooks and paperwork scattered around the room. She had woken up before him and considered tickling him awake, but decided against it when she saw the exhaustion written all over his face as he slept.
She almost wished things were different now, almost wished that she could take his hand and drag him to bed...feel him sleeping contentedly in her arms without a care in the world.
"How long has it been this time?" She asked, handing him a cup of water with a sigh.
"Thanks." He smiled weakly, his eyes dropping to the cup in his hand. "Not long. Just.. a few days."
"A few days?"
"I've done worse." Coulson shrugged, his eyes on the cup in his hand. He seemed far away like he was trying to pull some distant thought back to the forefront of his mind. "You remember."
"I do, I was right there with you." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Back then we had a reason not to sleep. You can't blame this on exams this time."
"I know… I just...I can't sleep." He muttered after a few minutes. "I used to call you when I couldn't sleep, but I thought your phone ringing might wake up Andrew."
"So you showed up at my house?" She smirked, masking the worry she felt rushing through her veins like lava.
Coulson smiled weakly at her little jab, giving a half shrug that somehow made him look even more exhausted than he already did.
“Have you tried warm milk?” her smile was small, soft even. Warm milk was what she always recommended when he used to call her at the Academy, and it never worked for him. It had become a sort of inside joke after they graduated, to the point where he would call her after a rough mission just to ask if she had any milk he could warm up. They were both aware of the other's tendency to stay up all night pondering the aftermath of their missions, and sometimes talking to each other was the only source of comfort they had.
He smiled back wryly, but that faded and a long sigh escaped him as he set the cup down on the counter. "It’s like I can’t shut my mind off. If this keeps up, Fury is gonna demote me for being too distracted to work."
"Have you talked to Audrey about this?" Melinda asked quietly, blindly grabbing a beer from the fridge and taking a swig of it before remembering how much she hated this particular brand. She only had it because Andrew liked it, and sometimes she wondered if he only drank it because she bought it for him. "You know she has that sleep expert friend at Yale."
"No…" Phil said awkwardly, sighing before he gulped down half his cup of water as if he were trying to drown himself. "I haven't told her."
"Why not, exactly? She would probably be better at pinpointing what's going on."
"You're my best friend." She briefly pondered the slight lurch of her heart at the softness in his eyes when he said that, before he coughed awkwardly and continued. "And If I told Audrey I can't sleep, she would ask me why."
"So?"
"So…" he glanced up at her. "I can't tell her why."
May's eyes narrowed, noticing the deep red blush crawling up his neck as he went back to avoiding her eyes, and she leaned a bit over the counter to scan his face.
"...are you cheating on her?"
"What?!" Phil's gaze met her own abruptly, his eyes filled with horror. "No! No, of course not. Why would you even-"
"I don't know, Phil!" May whispered harshly rather than yelled, as not to wake Andrew. "You show up at my door at 3 am claiming you can't sleep, and you say you can't tell your girlfriend why you can't sleep… so my first assumption is that you're cheating and the guilt is eating you alive."
"I'm not cheating, Melinda." He sighed exasperatedly. "I would never cheat on Audrey."
"Good to know." She rolled her eyes, pouring the rest of her beer down the sink. "Then what's going on? And please be concise. Andrew isn't that deep of a sleeper and he'll notice I've been gone for too long for a bathroom break."
"It's just… I…" he sighed heavily, resting his elbows on the kitchen island and covering his face with his hands. "Every time I close my eyes I just… I see something that keeps me up."
"Like…?" She turned and raised an eyebrow at him, one hand on her hip as she urged him to elaborate.
His eyes met hers suddenly, and she held back the shudder she felt trying to run through her at the intensity she saw in those usually soft blue eyes. Her hand dropped to her side, her body just a little more rigid than she would have liked.
"I keep seeing you." His words were a mere whisper, carrying undertones of the very emotion she had been suppressing ever since she met Andrew...by choice. Because they wouldn't have worked out as a couple...right? "It doesn't matter what I do. Even when she's in bed right next to me, when I close my eyes, it's not Audrey I see. And the guilt keeps me up."
May swallowed thickly, frozen in place and unable to respond to his confession. He had just told her that it was thoughts of her keeping him up at night. What was she supposed to say in response to that?
"So I guess in a way I am cheating." His eyes dropped to the island, shame written all over his face, a weak chuckle slipping from his lips until he swallowed it back down.
"Phil…"
"I realized tonight that it's always been you." He ran his index finger around the rim of his cup, looking for anything to help him get all of this out. "Us being apart outside of missions just… I guess it bothers me."
The silence between them grew thicker and heavier as she struggled to think of a response, her body rigid with shock. His words sunk in slowly, seeping into her very bones despite every cell of her body screaming at her to make him leave and forget this ever happened. She should send him home, should go back upstairs, crawl into her husband's arms and pretend this was all just a dream… not stand there and stare at the man she had been harboring feelings for since their Academy days.
Part of her wondered what had changed between them to cause his insomnia, but the rest of her knew exactly what had changed.
Not enough had changed. That was the problem. They were as prominent in each other's minds despite their relationship statuses, as they had always been, the affection they had learned to stifle still burning just below the surface.
They loved Audrey and Andrew very much, but somehow still cared for each other more.
"I don't know why I'm even here right now, or why I'm telling you any of this." He sighed suddenly. "I mean, you're married now, to a really great guy, and I just show up to your house at some ungodly hour just to whine about not being able to sleep."
"Coulson…"
"I really shouldn't have come, I know." He ran a hand through his short hair, sending a strange urge to cradle his head in her lap and watch him fall asleep to run through her. "But… you're the one I always turn to, and I thought that maybe if I told you about this, the feeling would go away. Guess I was wrong."
Time had taught them to hide how they felt. It had taught them to stifle it, push it so far down that not even the most advanced HYDRA tech could dig it up and exploit it. And yet here it was, bubbling up and manifesting itself in Coulson's dreams. May slowly rounded the counter, her eyes locked on his face as she tried to calm the racing of her heart.
"Phil, listen… I think we need to-"
"Melinda?"
Well, so much for whatever she had been about to say. She froze in place, turning quickly to see Andrew standing in the doorway of the kitchen.
"Everything okay?" Andrew yawned, his vision focusing and face lighting up when he saw Phil. "Oh, good morning Phil. You alright?"
Phil's head had shot up at the sound of Andrew's voice, and May was quietly impressed at how quickly he was able to mask his pain to muster up a genuine-looking smile. Andrew's arm slid around her waist as he pressed a kiss to her temple, and she had to fight the urge to slip away just to make Phil feel better. She could see the very slight sag of his shoulders, the quick glance down to Andrew's hand on her hip only noticed by her.
"Good morning, Andrew." He smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry for barging in like this."
"It's alright. How is Audrey?"
"She's fine. I just…" he swallowed, his eyes meeting May's in a silent apology. "We got a new mission from Fury, and I was so excited to tell her, I didn't realize what time it was."
Even his chuckle sounded almost genuine, and she hated it. She hated how fake and pained it sounded to her in particular.
"But I should get going, it's way too early." Coulson laughed, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.
"Are you sure there's nothing else? You know we're always here for you."
May bit her bottom lip, cursing the fact that Andrew's career revolved around reading people. Of course he knew something was wrong. Phil's eyes flickered between her and Andrew briefly, before he plastered another smile onto his face and shrugged.
"Not that can be helped right now. Sorry again for barging in." His eyes were filled with sadness when they met hers again. "I'll give you the rest of the mission details later, May."
All she could do was nod, her mind spinning with confusion as Andrew's hand curled around her hip a little more, his thumb caressing her affectionately before he gestured towards the front door.
"I'll see you out to your car, Phil."
May watched them go, her hands meeting the surface of the counter the minute they were gone. Her chest was tight, and she closed her eyes to get her breathing under control. Now was not the time to lose her resolve. Not with her husband home. He would know something was up, and neither of them would be getting any more sleep if he tried to pull it out of her.
She needed to sort through the thoughts bouncing around in her head, needed time to come to terms with the realization that her best friend just might be in love with her.
But not right now. Right now she needed sleeping pills...strong ones.
---
"Sorry again for waking you both up."
"It's alright. I know your S.H.I.E.L.D business can be exciting."
"...yeah." Coulson forced a chuckle, unlocking his car with his key fob, refusing to look over at Andrew as he walked beside him.
"So...You know you can tell me anything, right Phil?"
Coulson felt his whole body tense as they reached his car, and forced himself to laugh softly.
"Of course."
"And you know I can read you pretty well," Andrew said.
"You can read everyone pretty well."
"I know something else is up, Phil. Something not related to a mission." Andrew sighed, his hands in his pockets. "People don't just show up at their friends' houses this early for nothing. Did something happen with Fury...regarding Melinda?"
"No, no, it's nothing like that." Phil laughed. "You know May can handle herself. It uh… it's not something I can really talk about to you, no offense."
"Ah." Andrew nodded understandingly. "Classified S.H.I.E.L.D business, huh?"
"Yeah, really classified. Top tier classification." Phil shrugged and swallowed, forcing a smile. "Could change everything if we… if I...don't handle it right."
"Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out." Andrew nodded, patting Coulson's shoulder with a sympathetic smile as they stopped beside Lola. "And if you ever are allowed to talk to me about it, I'm always here. Or if you just want someone to vent to. I may not understand all the S.H.I.E.L.D jargon, but I'm pretty good at regular human emotions."
The guilt had been eating away at Coulson already, so this was not helping. Here was Andrew Garner, ready and willing to help him out… with no idea that the man he wanted to help only needed help because he was in love with his wife.
Sure, Phil and Melinda had been best friends long before she and Andrew ever met, but that didn't mean he had a right to fall in love with her. In fact, he felt he should have been more supportive of their relationship, not slowly losing his mind over the fact that he could never have her… despite knowing that Andrew was a good man and was taking very good care of May.
"Yeah, thanks. Goodnight, Andrew."
"Get some sleep, Phil. Drive safe."
"I usually do." Coulson laughed awkwardly, as he got into Lola. He watched Andrew walk back into his house, catching a glimpse of May waiting with her arms crossed and her eyes locked on the floor before the door slid shut. Phil let out a soft sigh, putting the car in drive and driving just a little over the speed limit towards his apartment, trying not to imagine May falling asleep to the sound of another man's heartbeat.
He sighed heavily, fully aware that he wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight, or any other night anytime soon… not until he fell out of love with Melinda May-Garner.
XXXXXX
“Melinda, did Phil seem off to you?” Andrew asked almost cautiously, entering their bedroom and pulling back the comforter.
May stood on the other side of the bed, her eyes not meeting his as she pulled back her own side of the covers.
“Coulson always gets more into pre-mission prep than I do. He’s just excited.”
Andrew raised an eyebrow at her, and she glanced up when he didn’t respond right away. Andrew straightened, crossing his arms over his chest.
“That wasn’t excitement I saw,” he said with an almost accusatory tone, his voice laced with concern that May wished she couldn’t detect. She already felt awful about all of this, Andrew being involved only made it worse.
May blamed herself for this whole mess, and nothing anyone said would change how she truly felt. If she had gone with her gut that night in Russia and broke things off with Andrew, Coulson could have been the man climbing into bed next to her. He could have been the one searching her eyes, those calming blue eyes of his soothing the negative emotions she had rushing through her. If she had followed, dare she say it, her heart, she wouldn’t even be up at 3 am...lying to her husband.
“Pre-mission stress.” she shrugged, running a hand through her hair. Andrew didn’t look like he believed her in the slightest, but she was honestly in no mood to deal with this tonight. “Honey, I’m exhausted and we have a mission later.”
Andrew, still oozing skepticism, finally sighed and dropped his arms back to his sides. He put his hands up in mock surrender, which May gladly accepted.
“Alright, alright. Putting a pin in it for later.”
May could only sigh softly as she slid beneath the covers with her back to him. “Thank you.”
She wished she could have fought the urge to jump when his arms slid around her, but she could tell he noticed. He didn’t mention it though, pulling her back tightly against his chest and placing a gentle kiss on the side of her neck. May forced a hum to placate him, when all she really wanted to do was get up and go for a walk. The sleeping pills she had forced down dry finally started to kick in twenty minutes later, and she drifted off with nothing but regret and guilt on her mind.
XXXXXX
“Hey you.”
Phil forced himself to smile as he snuck back into his bedroom, where Audrey was sitting up on her elbows beneath his covers. The glow from the streetlights outside his apartment illuminated her face, and it made his heart ache to see how genuinely happy she was to see him.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” He pulled off his shirt and tugged off his jeans, quietly climbing back into bed beside her.
“I’m just glad you’re back.” Audrey hummed softly, leaning back into him when he pulled her into his arms. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, sorry for slipping out. I had to pick something up at Fury’s before our mission.”
“I’m surprised he’s still up. He wasn’t mad you showed up at 3 am?”
“No...He had other things to worry about.”
It wasn’t necessarily a lie, he did go by HQ and see Fury. And he did go pick up some paperwork about the mission. But he had filled it all out in Fury’s office and left it and most of his conflicting emotions there.
“Interesting.” she was quiet for several seconds, and Phil let out a slow sigh of relief thinking she had fallen back to sleep. “Is Melinda okay?”
Phil almost choked on his spit, covering his near-blunder with an uncomfortable laugh. Even hearing May’s name made his heart pound, which only made him feel less confident in his ability to distance himself.
“May is fine. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I know you two are going on the mission together.” Audrey rolled onto her back, staring up at him as he propped his head up on his elbow. “I figured you ran into her.”
“Oh, uh...No, no I didn’t see her. She probably went in earlier or something without telling me.”
“Hm.” Audrey stared up at the ceiling, then looked back at his face with a smile, her thumb caressing his jaw. Phil took the hint and kissed her softly, trying to ignore the pang of sorrow as she rolled back onto her side and held onto his arm draped over her waist. He felt her breathing even out, and finally allowed himself to let her go. He sighed, gingerly running his fingers through her hair. She sighed in response, something that would usually make him smile and revel in the warm bubble they created around themselves. But he hadn’t felt that way in months, and it still hadn’t changed. He let the light strands leave his fingers, and as he watched them settle back against her body, he took note of the cold emptiness he felt in the pit of his stomach. He scooted away a bit, just staring at her back. If he squinted against the light, he could almost believe she was someone else beside him. He could ignore the smell of citrus shampoo she used, and could push away the feel of her silk pajamas to mentally turn her into someone else.
He bit his lip, frowning deeply at his own thoughts. This wasn’t fair to Audrey. She loved him, more than he would probably ever understand. She cared for him, worried about him, did things for him...and yet there he was, wishing she was someone else entirely. Not that he didn't care about her, because he did. Audrey was great. She was sweet, kind, funny, and more understanding of his job than most people would be. She had given herself completely to him and there he was, still holding pieces of himself back. Granted, they were pieces she wouldn’t have been pleased to discover even existed (because they were the pieces that were still in love with May), but he still felt bad about hiding things from her. She didn’t deserve the pain of what he wanted to tell her, and it wasn’t as if anything good would come out of it anyway.
So as he lay there in the dark, staring up at the ceiling as his girlfriend slept peacefully beside him, Phil Coulson chose not to regret the decision he had made with Fury an hour ago.
XXXXXX
“And that’s it, agents. Grab your gear, wheels up in ten.”
Fury’s briefing was quicker than usual, all of the agents filing out of his office in a hurry, but May never minded the fast ones. It helped take her mind off of whatever was trying to stress her out. Today, it was Coulson and Andrew. Her husband had tried to wake her up with some copious amounts of affection, but she had recoiled.
Several times.
He had kissed her neck until her eyes opened in bed, and she had flinched and rolled away. She claimed she hadn’t slept well and was too sore for anything.
He had tried to join her in the shower, but she stepped out and slid past him right as he opened the curtains. She said she had to get to HQ early.
He had lifted her onto the counter and tried to ask her what was going on. She told him she was fine, just stressed about the mission.
He had told her they would talk when she got home later. She silently wished she never had to go home.
It was ridiculous. She was still on edge from her conversation with Phil, and the fact that he had been the center of her dreams hadn’t helped. She felt like she had cheated on Andrew all night long, and that guilt burned like a fire until she finally left the house.
“Agent May.”
May blinked, looking up with Fury’s voice reached her ears. She stared at him, taking note of his raised eyebrow. Half of the agents had already left, and yet she was still there. Coulson was off in the corner with a few other agents, going over the file he had been handed...that looked suspiciously different from the file May had received.
“Sir?”
Fury gestured her to his desk, and as soon as she was standing in front of it, he gestured for another agent to join them.
“Slight change to your mission today. You’ll be with Agent Stevenson instead of Agent Coulson.”
May glanced over at Stevenson beside her, who looked slightly terrified. She gave him a quick once-over, then looked back at Fury who she sincerely hoped couldn’t see the disappointment hiding in her eyes.
“Yes, sir. May I ask the reason behind this change?” May crossed her arms over her chest, and Fury dismissed Stevenson who looked shocked that May would ask the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D such a question. Fury waited for Stevenson to hurry off, then stood and put his hands behind his back.
“It was requested.” he snorted, obviously displeased. “Finalized at 4 this morning. I’m not exactly thrilled about it either.”
Fury glanced over towards the corner of his office, where Coulson’s eyes were the only ones not staring down at the file his team was looking at. When Coulson’s eyes met May’s he quickly looked away, dismissed himself, and left the office. May frowned, both puzzled and hurt, but she managed to mask it long enough to nod in acceptance at Fury’s raised eyebrow. She turned to go, but paused at the sound of Fury’s voice.
“Talk to him, May. Somethin’s not right and I wanna know what it is.”
May bit her lip and nodded in response, her back still to him as she left. She knew she would never be able to tell Fury what was really wrong, because honestly...she wasn’t sure of the reason herself.
Xxxxxx
“Alright, Phil. You switched missions because of me.”
Coulson winced, sighing heavily when he heard the door to his bunk open. He was mostly decked out in his tactical gear, which was already snug, but with May standing in his bunk sounding like she wanted to throw him out of a quinjet… everything felt like he was going to suffocate in it.
“I’m just doing what’s best for us as agents.” He huffed, turning to face her and heft his bag onto his back. His words came out in a rush before he lost his nerve. “I shouldn’t have come to your house this morning. I should respect your relationship with Andrew, just like you’ve been doing with me and Audrey. We work well together, and we’re friends, but that’s all. I forgot that for a little while and I’m sorry.”
May tried to interrupt him, but he stepped closer and put up a hand to stop her.
“No, Melinda, I let how I feel about you mess with my head. I wasn’t thinking straight.” he laughed, self-deprecatingly. “I mean, you’re married. What good would telling you...what I told you… do? Dissolve your marriage? Andrew doesn’t deserve that.”
May chose not to tell him how she had been thinking that same thing all morning.
“Phil…” she touched his arm, her heart aching when he flinched away. If this was how Andrew had felt this morning whenever she shied away, she understood why he had been so upset. She wouldn’t leave Coulson feeling that way. “We need to talk about this.”
He searched her eyes for what felt like an eternity, silently begging and pleading for a way out. He almost expected her to tell him he didn’t have to hide how he felt, or that she knew of a serum that would wipe out his feelings for her so he wouldn’t have to fight them for the rest of his life...anything to fix the mistake he had made and let them continue their lives the way they had been.
But all she did was stare back at him, guilt washing over her when she glanced down at his mouth and realized that all she wanted to do right then was kiss him senseless.
She wanted him to kiss her back, wanted to melt against him and forget all of her problems for a while. She wanted to feel reality fade away and focus on the feel of his arms around her, to drown in the feelings they were both tired of hiding now that it was just them. She had a feeling that if she kissed him now, he wouldn’t stop her, and wherever that would lead them was dangerous.
“There isn’t anything to talk about, Agent May.” His words hit her like a brick wall, and all she could do was let out a shaky breath as his eyes moved to the floor beneath their feet. “I have to go.”
He gave her a second to speak, but when nothing left her lips besides a defeated half-whimper, he sighed and brushed past her towards the door. May finally found her voice when he was halfway out of the door, grabbing his arm. He spun quickly to face her, but she refused to release his arm. Her eyes were tinged with red, tears welling up in them no matter how hard she may have been fighting them.
“You know you mean a lot to me, Phil. You’re my partner and my best friend. Don’t ever forget that. Yes I love Andrew, but I also care about you.” she took a breath, her voice trembling ever so slightly. “I think about it sometimes, about how if I had made different choices on our way back from Russia… If we had given us a shot…”
“Things might be different now.” he finished when she suddenly couldn’t meet his eyes. He sighed, moving towards her and pulling her into his arms. “I’m sorry, Mel.”
“Me too.”
She wasn’t sure when she started trembling, just that she did. Practically sobbed as if grieving. And in a way, she was. Grieving lost opportunities, a missed chance at a life with the man who had always been at her side.
When her whimpers finally quieted, he continued to hold her, rubbing her back comfortingly despite knowing he would be late for his own mission.
“You know… there are some S.H.I.E.L.D scientists who believe in alternate realities,” he said softly. “That somewhere out there, there are worlds where every single possibility exists. So, for example, there’s a reality where I’m a history teacher and one where you’re an actual ninja.”
She actually laughed at that, almost rolling her eyes as if she felt like opening them.
“If you say so.”
“I’m trying to make you feel better.” he huffed in mock-frustration, grinning when she nudged him with her fist. “I’m just saying… if that theory is right, then there’s a reality where we're together. I’m still a huge nerd there, and I probably annoy you with all my comic books and Cap memorabilia.”
“Sounds awful.”
He would’ve been offended if he couldn’t hear the smirk in her muffled voice.
“Oh, I’m sure it is. Waking up to you every day, having you nag me about literally everything under the sun…”
“I do not nag. Was there a point to all of this?” May huffed, pulling back enough to meet his eyes and frown.
Coulson chuckled, letting her go and offering her a tissue. She took it, her cheeks flushing when he tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear.
“We may not get a chance to actually experience all of that, but this reality isn’t so bad, right? I mean… we’re still best friends…. And I still see you every day… Kicking butt and taking names…” he grinned for a moment before it faded and he moved his hands away from her face to her arms. “We still care about each other. Just...me a little bit more than you. And that’s okay.”
May gave him a half-smile, moving to hug him once more when Fury himself appeared in the doorway to Coulson’s bunk, startling them both half to death.
“Coulson! Your team’s been waitin’ on you! Quit makin’ goo-goo eyes at May and get outta here!” Fury shouted, his hands behind his back. “I don’t pay you to hold up my missions.”
“Uh...right, sir. Sorry.” Coulson gave May an embarrassed smile, scooting past them and hurrying down the hall while they turned and watched him go. May crossed her arms over her chest, fighting the warmth she felt when Fury leaned over and nudged her with his elbow.
“You find out what’s goin on?”
“Yes, sir,” she said quickly, then smirked at his raised eyebrow.
“What was it? He was actin’ like he had some kinda revelation, bargain’ into my office this morning...”
“It was more like a wake-up call, sir.” she almost hummed, unable to fight the small smile that blossomed on her lips. “He’ll be fine from now on.”
“He better be.” Fury snorted, his hands on his hips. “Honestly you two are wearin’ everyone out with all this back and forth.”
May bit her lip to stop herself from agreeing with him.