Chapter Text
He’s gotten used to it by now.
“So you’ve been stringing me along all this while, huh?” The girl before him has her hands jutting into her hips, and her gaze is downright thunderous. “All this while – even as you whispered all those sweet nothings to me and promised me that I was the one you loved most in this world – everything has been nothing but a lie!”
All the screaming and shoving and the raw, explosive anger — Kaoru is already used to it. He can’t count on one hand how many times he’s cycled through break up after break up, and how — no matter how much he tries to sweeten the pain — it always ends up blowing up in his face.
“I-it’s not like that, babe, I just-”
“Don’t. You. DARE call me ‘babe’ or ‘honey’ or anything like that ever again, Hakaze Kaoru!” shrieks the girl, raising her hand up as if to slap him and instinctively he flinches. “You mean nothing to me now — nothing! I don't want to see your damn face for the rest of my life!”
“I... I see." Kaoru looks down, away from her, and makes an attempt at a smile. “Well, I was hoping that we could still be friends, y’know? I did appreciate your companionship, so I thought maybe even if we aren't dating anymore we can still-“
“Just fuck off.”
The door slams shut in his face, and it finally sets in. Kaoru stuffs his hands into his pockets and sighs.
Just because he’s gotten used to it already, doesn’t mean it stops hurting each time.
Kaoru can’t count on one hand how many times he’s cycled through break up after break up, but each time without fail he finds himself making his way down a familiar path, to the one place in the world where he knows he’d be met with a warm, comforting smile.
Kanata’s house.
The security officer at the guard post nods at him, and Kaoru smiles back as he’s allowed into the sprawling estate. ‘Funny how I wind up here so often security doesn’t even stop to question me anymore,’ he can’t help but think.
Well, even if his presence has become routine for the Shinkai security team, that doesn’t mean Kaoru wants the whole menagerie of Shinkai associates and servants to catch him coming in right now with his eyes all red and puffy.
No, at times like this Kaoru never goes through the grand main entrance to get to Kanata’s room; rather, there’s a back entrance to the mansion that Kanata taught him about, where he’s able to sneak in without running into anyone on his way.
The window of the room above the back entrance glows with light. Good, that means Kanata is still awake. He’d feel bad if stopping by Kanata’s house uninvited meant he had to wake up a sleeping Kanata just to selfishly siphon off some comfort for himself. Even if Kanata said he’s welcome to swing by anytime — because “Kaoru is my precious ‘friend’ after all” — bothering Kanata in the dead of the night would make him feel even more of nuisance than ever.
But just in case — just to confirm, Kaoru reaches down and picks up a pebble to throw at the window. Almost immediately, Kanata’s face draws close, peering down at him.
‘Ah,’ Kaoru thinks to himself, ‘that's the smile I've been waiting to see.’
He can feel his eyes turn glossy again with tears, but he blinks them away. He can’t cry now, even if it’s for a different reason. He can’t let Kanata catch him crying; that’s way too uncool. Instead, he lifts his hand up to wave, and Kanata gives him a thumbs up back.
And into the mansion Kaoru goes.
The door to Kanata’s room opens just as Kaoru reaches, and Kanata stands behind it with a big smile.
“Kaoru,” he says, “I'm so ‘happy’ to see you.”
“Y-yeah, me too... You don’t mind me imposing on you so late though, do you?”
Kanata chuckles to himself. “Of course not, Kaoru. I’m always, always so ‘happy’ to see you.”
He then reaches out his arms towards Kaoru and cocks his head. “Would you like a ‘hug’?”
In any other normal circumstance, Kaoru would have instinctively brushed past Kanata, insisting that he appreciated the sentiment but no, he would not like a hug. But of all days it had to be today – a day where even he couldn’t lie to himself. A hug from Kanata would be nice; really nice.
He melts into Kanata’s embrace, and already the dull ache in his heart feels fainter than it had been seconds before. It’s in the rustle of his outer coat against Kanata’s soft pajamas, in the soothing smell of Kanata that he breathes in gratefully, but more than anything it’s how Kanata’s warmth envelopes him in one swift motion... at his worst, when he can’t even imagine what happiness once tasted like, Kanata really is the only one who can make him feel better about himself.
Kanata’s hands find the back of Kaoru’s head, and he strokes Kaoru’s hair with the tenderness of an estranged lover. “You've been ‘crying’, haven't you, Kaoru?” he whispers. “Don't ‘worry’, just let it out. I’m here for you.”
“Ah... yeah.” Kaoru finally lets go of Kanata; he’s been clinging onto him for far too long anyway. He walks in, sitting at the edge of Kanata’s bed. “But it's nothing to worry about, I promise! I feel better now.”
“Really? Hm, is it because of my ‘hug’?”
With Kanata’s face so lit up with the prospect of his suggestion, Kaoru can’t find it in himself to reject him even at the price of his pride. “Yeah, definitely. Thanks, Kanata-kun. For... for always being there for me.”
“Hehe, hearing that from you makes me so ‘happy’, Kaoru." Kanata’s smile is brighter than ever now. He joins Kaoru right next to him on the bed, sitting so close their knees bump against each other. “So, why were you ‘crying’, Kaoru? Or would you rather I not ask? I am ‘fine’ not knowing too.”
Oh god, Kanata is too kind for his own good. He’s kind enough that he readily opens his home to Kaoru at any given moment, and now he’d shower Kaoru with the love and affection he desperately needed without demanding any answers? If anything, this only makes Kaoru's guilt towards seeking Kanata as a refuge from everyday life increase tenfold.
“It’s nothing,” Kaoru says, keeping his gaze on the hands resting on his lap. “Just... remember the girl I told you I was dating? Like, a couple weeks back? We broke up. Or more like, I was the one who ended things with her.”
“Oh no... Kaoru, I'm so ‘sorry’ to hear that.”
There’s a momentary lapse in the conversation, where Kaoru continues staring hard at his empty hands. He doesn’t want to look at Kanata right now, not if that means he’d end up close to tears again.
“Yeah, well... it was bound to happen anyway. No matter which girl I date it always ends up like this. There isn’t really a point in me being so bummed out over this.”
“Is there a ‘reason’ why you broke up with her?” Kanata asks. “Was it ‘something’ she did, or..?”
“No, it’s not like that. Nothing of that sort.” The longer he looks at his hands, the stupider he feels so he balls them up into tiny, tight circles. “I... I don’t really know why I broke up with her. I kind of wasn’t feeling it for the past few days, so I just... yeah...”
Beside him, Kanata hums in thought. “So Kaoru doesn’t know why he broke up with this ‘girl’ either. Hm... well, I guess that is ‘fine’ too. It is ‘fine’.”
“...Sorry, Kanata-kun. I don’t really know what’s up with myself sometimes. My head’s just a mess. I really thought everything was going well with her, but then after a while I find myself kind of... empty? I don’t know.
“And here I am again, imposing on you. Even if you say it’s fine and you’re always here for me, I can’t help but feel so damn guilty about it. I always come to you when I’m feeling down, and there’s no way it’s any fun for you to be around me when I’m like this-”
“Kaoru.”
“-so I just feel even worse about everything. About me, about this girl, and now about how unfair it is on you. But I don’t know where else to go when I’m feeling like this, so I just end up here all over again as if—”
“Kaoru.”
This time Kanata is able to successfully cut Kaoru off in the middle of his blabbering, but only because of his surprise at how Kanata’s hands were suddenly pressed firm against his fists. He looks up at Kanata and is met with a steady smile, one absent of the vaguest trace of any negative emotion.
“Kaoru, you ‘think’ too much,” Kanata tells him, his voice just as firm as his grip, “you are not being ‘unfair’ to me at all. Like I said, I am always ‘happy’ to see Kaoru, no matter what. Even when Kaoru is feeling ‘down’.
“And Kaoru, you said that you felt ‘better’ after my ‘hug’. When you said that, I was so very ‘happy’. Nothing in this ‘world’ has made me ‘happier’ than hearing that from you. That’s why — please don’t feel ‘worse’ about yourself because of me.”
“...I-I see.”
To be told something like that so gently and without any judgement at all is almost too embarrassing for words. Kanata’s hands are still on his, steady and constant, so all Kaoru can manage to say is, “Thanks again, Kanata-kun. You’re really too kind to me, y’know?”
“You’re just as ‘kind’, Kaoru.”
‘I really doubt that’s the case,’ Kaoru thinks to himself, knowing that saying it out loud would only end up in Kanata being disapproving of him beating himself up all over again. So instead, he moves his hands away from Kanata’s, reaching out to stretch his worn out body.
“Well, it’s my own fault for coming here all the time when I’m feeling down, so that’s why I end up making nothing but sad memories, y’know? But it’s fine, being with you does change parts of them into happy memories too. So let’s make plenty more happy memories together, Kanata-kun.”
He knows there’s an easy smile resting on his face, so he expected Kanata to mirror it. But there’s a strange expression that flits across Kanata’s face as his hands retract from Kaoru’s lap.
“‘Happy memories’, huh?”
“...Kanata-kun?”
“Oh, sorry.” The expression is gone. “I was ‘lost’ in thought.”
“Haha, that’s fine too. Just don’t leave me hanging too often, okay? Even if it’s you, I’ll get lonely, y’know?”
“‘Lonely’? That’s not ‘good’ — being ‘lonely’ when I am right ‘next’ to you is not ‘good’ at all, Kaoru.”
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! It was a joke, Kanata-kun!”
“A ‘joke’,” Kanata repeats after Kaoru again, pensive. The strange expression is back, and for some reason Kaoru feels oddly nervous about it. “You say you are ‘lonely’ as a ‘joke’, but you meant what you said earlier, right?”
“Said about what?”
“That you want to make more ‘happy memories’ together with me.”
Well, now that it’s said back to his face that line feels incredibly embarrassing too. Only Kanata can fluster him so easily, and with his very own words too!
“Y-yeah, I guess I do mean... actually... I-I don’t... I don’t know...”
Kaoru knows how uncool he sounds right now tongue-tied and uncertain and all — but he can’t do anything to salvage the situation nor his image. Not when Kanata looks at him with that serious, almost omniscient stare.
“I understand,” Kanata says after a long pause. There’s another equally long pause following that, but before Kaoru can think of something to break the silence Kanata continues, “Hey, Kaoru? There’s ‘something’ I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now.”
...Huh?
“W-what is it, Kanata-kun?” Those are Kaoru’s words, but for some reason they don’t seem like his; they come off as detached, and distinct from his rapidly pounding heart and dangerously high level of anxiety. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
“I know that, but...” This is the first time Kaoru has seen Kanata frown this whole night, and it’s making his heart beat more erratically against his chest. Every nerve in his body is screaming at him to do something, anything — to jump up and exclaim wow, would you look at the time now, he didn’t realise it‘s this late already so he should really get going and Kanata can tell him whatever he wants to tell him tomorrow instead — but at the same time he’s painfully rooted in his spot, unable to move an inch. This may go badly. This is going to be bad. “Well, never mind. I will just say it, then.
“Kaoru, I know about your ‘feelings’ for me. And I’m very sorry, but I cannot ‘return’ them.”