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Gabriel's Guide to Getting into Haven
Sup Humans, it is I the archangel Gabriel. (Sandalphan is here too, mainly because he is a freaking genius) Remember me, Gabriel? Come on if you are a Christian you have to remember me.
Okay fine here’s a hint… “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.” -Luke chapter something.
Yeah, I was that one angel who was there for the birth of Jesus.
But Luke got what I said all wrong though, he wasn’t even there, so basically, I said to Mary, “Yoooo Mary sweet cakes, listen I know you are a virgin and are only 13, there is nothing wrong with that, and you are going to marry some carpenter … but there is something I need to tell you. Basically, you are pregnant with God’s son, ok. Don’t ask me how, I’m an angel, not a human, we angels (and the demons) can’t do that sex stuff you humans do. Any way can’t wait for the birth and to see how all of this turns out. Also, good luck telling Joseph about this because I don’t want to do it.”
So yeah, also while we are on the subject, Stop giving me feminine qualities when you recreate the birth scene every year in your Christmas plays or dioramas. While it’s true we angels lack a gender, I have a deep voice and am trying to grow facial hair, and most importantly, I’ve NEVER WORN A FUCKING DRESS.
Ok, where were we, oh yeah that’s right how to get into heaven.
So first off whatever Leviticus says, ignore, those rules were written for (I think) the Israelites like 3500 years ago (geography and time are relative). Trust me if I were a human, I would break almost every one of those rules each time a week.
Just follow Gabriel's Ten Tips and you will go straight to heaven (okay I may have borrowed some of these from the Almighty but you know) :
1. Okay basically one upstairs is the Lord, the God, the Supreme Leader, the Almighty is the only thing you humans can worship. And I know humans worship some of those super cool celebrities and athletes, but they are not God. But since I sort of represent the Almighty I am up for dips for worship. NOW WORSHIP ME AND LET ME WIN.
2. Listen just don’t make idols, graven nonsense, or that nonsense the Almighty doesn’t like. (laughing) I don’t even know what graven nonsense is, but I think you humans use it when you read or watch your PORNOGRAPHY because that’s what humans do.
3. When you curse, and you will because shit everyone curses, hell even I do it and I’m an archangel, try not to use God’s name and watch how you say the words. Trust Me, there is a huge difference between I’m the Arcangel fucking Gabriel and I’m the Arcangel fucking Gabriel
4. Keep Sunday holy, sure you could go to church but you don’t need to go every week and one hour is enough. I’m sorry but the church is “God’s Home” and as for me, I don’t really like having a hundred people at my house at 9:30 in the morning singing while eating coffee and donuts, (Also donuts are crap and I recommend all churches replace them with whole-grain bran muffins, I’ve never had one because I don’t eat but it sounds like good human food). Anyway just don’t work on Sunday. If you really want to keep Sunday holy, shoot a few holes at your local country club golf course, or just experiment with the holes in your body, the Almighty made each hole with a purpose so you might figure out what each one does.
5. Honor your parents, but God comes first, unless if your parents are being mean to you like taking away your cool stuff, then that is rude.
6. Ok, this is a basic one, don’t murder, unless the person or angel deserves to die. For example, this one angel was supposed to start the apocalypse with help from a demon to create the war that would end all wars but you would win. But nooooooooooo the angel becomes friends with the demon and you would think that they spend all this time together making sure armageddon goes off without a hitch, but plot twist, hold up, the angel and the devil are not only “secret lovers'', they stop armageddon and YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR WAR TO WIN. So that angel deserves to die. BUT HE DOESN’T! Anyway, don’t kill anybody unless they deserve it or you are going into war and win the war; if you lose the war, then your loss, I guess, not my department.
7. Okay, adultery, external marital affairs, that jazz, it’s fine, as long as your partner knows. Hey, it’s not my fault if you can’t do it well, use the porn. And if you had sex before marriage that is fine, I mean I would want to get some practice in, and you can do it with as many or as few as possible.
8. Don’t steal, please. Like DON’T STEAL MY CHANCE TO LITERALLY BEAT THE DEVIL’S ASS IN THE WAR TO END ALL WARS, while you literally beat a… I’m sorry I’ve been reading too much PORNOGRAPHY BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HUMANS DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. (I might be a bit drunk right now, I tried to be a human and ended up chugging down a lot of alcohol with my brooooooooos, be back in a bit) Don’t drink, my body feels ruined
9. So you know when you are in court and they make you put your hand on the bible when you are under oath, you should tell the truth, (I’m sorry Micheal has been watching a lot of courtroom shows and pretends to be the judge), not only is lying wrong and could send you to jail, the Almighty doesn’t like it. Here is an example: say you prevented me from doing the cool war that I was going to totally win, so we decide to kill you, but you switch bodies with your demon lover so you are truly lying to the almighty, or is it the devil since technically you are in hell; see this is making my brain hurt and I don’t like having my brain hurt, ugh thinking is the worst. But any other time lying is okay, heck I could be lying right now, in fact, sometimes I lie about being a human but I’m so good no one can tell, ‘time to jog and look at pornography’, see human. (puts both thumbs up)
10. Don’t be greedy or jealous, that includes your neighbor’s house, wife, animals… slave? (Micheal, why is slave listed?) or anything. And… I have just been told that neighbor is like a relative term it means anybody, so don’t get jealous of other people’s stuff. That also applies to you being jealous of archangels. Listen I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm popular.
Okay so that was Gabriel (and Sandalphan)’s guide to getting into the afterlife. If I don't like it then, I’m sorry I didn’t write the roles. Bye Now
Okay where is Aziraphale? … What do you mean he is getting crepes with the demon again?