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It was no secret to Eiji that Ash Lynx had suffered a very hard life. The kind of life that Eiji wouldn’t even wish upon his worst enemy, much less an innocent child, which he was sure Ash once used to be.
Despite having gone through hell most of his life, Ash seemed relatively put together. If a stranger caught Ash sitting at a bar or hanging out with some of his friends, he, she, or they might think he was just an ordinary man. He would smile, laugh, and even seem borderline carefree at times.
Eiji didn’t think he could be nearly as strong. If he’d been subjected to even a little of what Ash had gone through, he’d be a wreck. He doubted he would even be able to live through it. At some point, he probably would’ve just made off with the nearest weapon he could find and end his life right there and then.
He was glad Ash wasn’t as weak as him. The idea of the world losing someone as amazing as Ash was a depressing one, even though he knew Ash disagreed with that sentiment.
However, despite all of that, Eiji knew Ash wasn’t as put-together as he appeared, either. He wouldn’t go as far as to say Ash was broken, but he was definitely damaged. He had a feeling that there were several cracks and even holes in Ash’s internal infrastructure.
Eiji could see it in the little things.
For example, touching.
Ash was very particular about anyone touching him, no matter how innocuous. He’d seen some of Ash’s gang members get a little too bold - usually after having a few drinks - and touch Ash. Usually to give him a congratulatory slap on the back or to ruffle his hair, something like that.
Even though their touches were friendly in nature, Eiji didn’t miss the way Ash’s body would stiffen, how any smile the blond had on his face would die away just a tad as soon as someone made contact with him.
One time, a gang member had his arm wrapped around Ash’s neck for just a little bit too long. Ash had actually forcibly shaken him off, off-balancing the guy and sending him toppling to the floor like a clumsy ox.
Ash hadn’t even apologized for that. Instead, he had stormed off, clearly mad. Eiji had followed after him, doing his best to try and cheer Ash up. To this day, Eiji didn’t know who Ash had been angrier at - the offending gang member or himself, for having reacted the way he did.
Even Eiji struggled a bit when it came to touching Ash. He sometimes felt like he was trying to pet an extremely timid and scared animal when he touched Ash sometimes. He always had to be slow and obvious when he put his hands on Ash, unless he wanted the blond to tense, flinch, or inhale sharply. He knew Ash got embarrassed whenever he reacted in such a matter.
Hell, even when Ash knew Eiji was going to be touching him, he still was usually stiff and awkward for a few moments.
Like, for example, when Eiji kissed him, he had a particular penchant for cupping Ash’s face and using his thumbs to trace the outline of the blond’s cheekbones. It wasn’t unusual for Ash to be somewhat stiff during these kisses, his hands awkwardly hovering, as if trying to figure out where to purchase themselves. Eiji usually had to help him out by guiding his hands somewhere, usually placing them on his hips or shoulders.
Even though Ash was incredibly cautious when it came to being touched, he was also completely touch-starved.
For example, when Eiji would card his fingers through Ash’s blond tresses, the blond would be a little stiff at the ministrations at first, freezing like he was afraid any sudden move would be dangerous. Eventually, he would get adjusted to the sensations though and practically melt, as if Eiji’s touches were the most heavenly thing he ever felt.
He would see the way Ash’s body would subtly beg for more. If Eiji was massaging Ash’s head, the blond would lean into it, silently asking Eiji to be firmer with his touch.
When they slept in the same bed together, Eiji noticed the way Ash would press his body against his and wrap his arms around his form as if Eiji were a pillow or a stuffed animal of some kind. One that Ash desperately didn’t want to lose.
He would feel the way Ash would cling to him for just a few heartbeats too long when they hugged, as if he were reluctant to pull away from the embrace.
Eiji didn’t mind any of this too much. He actually enjoyed it when Ash got more cuddly with him than normal. He didn’t even mind Ash’s jumpiness. He understood that anxiety stemmed from having never been touched kindly in his life. He couldn’t help but feel bad for him in that way.
It was a little harder to stomach all the paranoia though.
Eiji understood why Ash was paranoid. He was sure he would be no better if he were in Ash’s position. He was sure the boy had been betrayed many times in his life.
But just because he understood, didn’t mean he exactly enjoyed how paranoid Ash got, especially when it came to him.
Ash was always paranoid for his safety, to the point where Eiji sometimes couldn’t even go to the grocery store by himself without Ash accompanying him with a gun hidden somewhere in his body. He feared someone would kidnap or even kill Eiji out on the streets. Even when they actually made it inside the grocery store, Ash wouldn’t relax, regarding every person with suspicion, as if the old lady browsing the sour creams was suddenly going to blast a hole in Eiji.
Whenever they hung around Ash’s gang members, Eiji noticed that Ash would always stick incredibly close to him, practically hovering over him at some points. If a gang member offered Eiji a drink, Ash would wait until the gang member to leave before telling Eiji to dump it out.
As frustrating and suffocating as this could be at times, Eiji could at least be understanding of it. He’d become somewhat of a target to Ash’s enemies, especially Yut-Lung, who was well-aware of their closeness. Eiji had been kidnapped and close to death so many times now, he’d honestly lost count. So it was understandable why Ash felt so overprotective of him, in a way.
But it was when Ash got paranoid around him that Eiji couldn’t help but feel a bit sad.
He knew he shouldn’t take it personally. Ash might not even be doing these actions out of mistrust of him, and more out of pure instinct.
But even with that in mind, he couldn’t deny the twinge of hurt he would feel when, for example, he would catch Ash eyeing his food preparation when he cooked, no doubt seeing if Eiji was trying to poison or drug him, for example.
Or when, for the longest time, Ash would refuse to fall asleep before Eiji did.
Or when they got into arguments, the way Ash would mistrustfully look at him sometimes, as if he suspected Eiji was for some reason lying to him.
These were things they were going to have to work on, and it would take some time.
Eiji wasn’t even sure he could fully fix some of Ash’s deeply-rooted problems.
How could he teach Ash not to flinch at every loud noise?
How could he get Ash to not eye every new person he met with suspicion?
How could convince someone so deeply hurt that they deserved to be loved?
He didn’t know the answers to these questions. He was pretty sure some of these required a psychological professional’s help, and Ash seemed reluctant to do any sort of therapy at the moment. Even then, Eiji doubted all of Ash’s edges would be smoothed.
But he hoped, slowly but surely, he could help smooth out the cracks that had been made on Ash’s psyche. That he could glue back some of the shards that people had chipped off of him and left on the ground.
Eiji didn’t think he could ever completely “fix” Ash. No person was complete, not even him. But he could come close. He could fix some of the damage that the world had so unfairly inflicted on his boyfriend. To teach him that the world and the people in it weren’t all completely rotten.
Ash deserved it after all.