Work Text:
COLD OPEN
Everyone except ABED is sitting in the STUDY ROOM. JEFF texts aggressively. SHIRLEY is trying to tell BRITTA about her new church. TROY looks amazed at ANNIE’s set of gel pens, while PIERCE scoffs dismissively. The trailing end of an announcement from DEAN PELTON over the loudspeaker can be heard.
DEAN PELTON: -Waivers for The Most Dangerous Game 101 must be submitted to the front desk by the end of today. And in more interesting news, bring out your inner queen--if you’re lucky enough to have one--and join the Greendale community for an evening of royal-sized repression and linedancing at the Kings, Queens and Regencies dance tonight! And just a reminder that any further Carrie incidents will not be tolerated. I really mean it this time. [Choked up.] I need this one. [Loudspeaker clicks off].
ANNIE, putting her pens away: Honestly, I think the Dean is losing his touch with this dance. I love a good Regency romance as much as the next girl, but this theme’s a little scattered.
JEFF: The Dean clearly lost touch with most things, including his budget, a sense of proportion, and basic reality years ago. It’s on you if you expect anything different at this point. Speaking of being out of touch with reality, where’s Abed?
ABED walks up, accompanied by RICH. Study room conversation dies down as RICH puts an arm around him and kisses him on the temple before walking away. ABED sits down, unruffled.
JEFF looking up from his phone: Is that...Rich?
ABED: Yep.
JEFF: And you and him are…
ABED: We’re going to the dance tonight.
JEFF: You’re going--
ABED: Romantically.
Everyone looks startled. ANNIE darts a glance at TROY, whose eyes are bugged out.
ABED, continuing: I’m bisexual. I know it’s usually more typical on a sitcom to keep any possible deviations from heterosexuality confined to ambiguous jokes in order not to alienate a mainstream audience but most people already find me pretty off-putting, so.
ABED starts folding a paper crane.
ABED: Rich and I are going to do the regencies part. Pride and Prejudice.
SHIRLEY: Well!
All heads turn toward her. BRITTA makes an aborted move to lunge across the table.
SHIRLEY: I, for one, would like to say that as your loving Christian friend, I fully accept you dating this boring handsome doctor white man…
Visible shock from everyone around the table.
SHIRLEY, with a deadly glare: ...And I’m sure no one would expect me to say anything otherwise.
BRITTA, sitting back in her chair like nothing happened: Well Abed, Shirley does speak for all of us in that everyone at this table affirms and supp--
At the other end of the table, ANNIE suddenly gets up and silently leaves the room. TROY looks at ABED once, then runs after her.
Long, awkward silence.
PIERCE, having wrestled a long scroll out of his binder: Hey, they’re going to miss my speech for Ay-bed being gay!
[At Least It Was Here plays]
---
Cut to the PARKING LOT. TROY and ANNIE sit in the front seats of a car, uncomfortable looking.
ANNIE: Did Abed tell you that he was going to the dance with Rich?
TROY, clicking his cigarette case open and shut rapidly: We spent all of yesterday shoting a Troy and Abed In the Morning Double Length Spring Spectaculganza featuring us interviewing the entire gay basketball team about their thoughts on the Air Bud franchise and he didn’t even mention it!
TROY crunches down another candy cigarette.
ANNIE: Well..I don’t think that it’s a good idea for Abed to be dating Rich. I mean, I’m happy that Abed is… you know, being himself, but Rich is like, thirty-five, and loves kale, and he’s just so..normal. Not that-
TROY, cutting her off: Annie, do you remember when you broke Abed’s Dark Knight Rises DVD and I was like ‘Do you know many sitcoms have done the "secretly replace a broken, priceless item" thing?’ Because Abed does?
ANNIE: Well, yeah, but--
TROY, gesturing with another candy cigarette: And do you know how many sitcoms have done the “mess with a friend’s date in an attempt to break them and their love interest up” thing?
ANNIE, hesitant: Well…
TROY: Okay fine I’m in. Rich’s smile creeps me out. I’ll come up with a list of stuff Abed hates and you meet me back here at five with your Annie scary thinky brain supplies.
ANNIE: Okay.
REVERSE SHOT of ANNIE and TROY through the windshield of the car. They both still seem somewhat unsettled.
ANNIE: We should probably get out of Jeff’s car before he comes back for his late-afternoon touch-up.
TROY: Yeah, good call.
---
Cut back to the STUDY ROOM. (PIERCE has vanished.)
ABED: I have to go.
ABED gets up and speedwalks out of the room, leaving his half-finished paper crane behind.
SHIRLEY: Oh that’s not nice...that poor sweet skinny boy and his bland boyfriend. It’s so sad that Annie couldn’t be more accepting. I know she might still have feelings for him, but… [She shakes her head sadly.]
JEFF visibly stops texting in the background.
BRITTA: Sadly, today Annie has proven to not be like me! And you. We have thrown off the smothering embrace of heteronormative expectations and attached ourselves to the bosom of openness. We are the future!
Shirley: Such is the power of the Lord’s love, amen!
BRITTA: We can discuss oppressive patriarchal systems later. I gotta talk to Abed and tell him we accept and affirm his bisexuality.
SHIRLEY, sweetly: Not if I affirm him first, tee-hee!
JEFF puts down the phone and cuts them off.
JEFF: As traumatizing enough to rival Pierce’s speech your ideas of affirming Abed may be, we have another burgeoning disaster on our hands. I know Annie, and I can tell that she’s going to sabotage Abed’s date tonight. She’s like a metaphorical Chihuahua with the metaphorical jaw strength of a pitbull when it comes to this kind of thing, and she will not stop until we pry Abed’s leg free.
BRITTA, gasping: No! If Abed’s first gay relationship gets ruined, he’ll be permanently traumatized, psychologically speaking. Like the gay cowboy, in the gay cowboy movie. Butch Cassidy!
SHIRLEY: I’m texting my babysitter right now. Jeffrey, Britta, we need to go to that dance tonight and protect Abed’s homosexual date like angels of light and acceptance, and crush Annie’s little schemes into the dust.
BRITTA, pumping her fist in the air: Gay rights!
JEFF: Great. I’ll be back to plan after I regel my hair.
As JEFF turns away, a faintly self-satisfied smile is visible on his face.
--
A lightbulb goes on, and ANNIE and TROY look grimly at each other. They’re standing inside a Greendale STORAGE CLOSET. ANNIE is dressed as Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice, in a jacket over an old-fashioned dress, her hair in a wispy bun. TROY is dressed in a pirate costume.
TROY, holding a comically large packet: I made that list of stuff Abed hates. We just have to go in there, get Rich to do these things, and then Abed will see that he totally sucks and he shouldn’t date him.
ANNIE, scanning through the list: I don’t think most of these are things we can make Rich do...restaurants without prices on the menu, tags on the inside of shirt collars, dreams that reveal suppressed feelings through symbolism, bad opinions about TV and movies, there’s an asterisk by that one--
TROY: I have the entire list right here.
TROY takes out a thick scroll and lets it unroll onto his feet.
ANNIE: Okay, that list is long enough that Rich has got to have at least one of those opinions, and then Abed will freak out and stop talking to him for at least a week, based on last time.
TROY: Well, Shirley shouldn’t have said she thought the third X-Men movie was “fun.”
ANNIE, nodding: Yeah! We’ll just talk to Rich about any of these movies in front of Abed and he’ll turn on him in no time.
TROY, nodding back at the same pace: Let’s synchronize our watches.
ANNIE looks at her wrist, pauses, and pulls out an elaborate decorative pocketwatch from her jacket and hits the knob on top of it.
TROY: Oh yeah, I don’t have a watch. Abed just says that before we go on missions together. [His expression falls slightly.] It’s more fun when he says it.
---
Pan over GREENDALE GYM, covered in a combination of gold foil thrones and vaguely Victorian decor. BRITTA, JEFF, and SHIRLEY overlook the dance floor from atop the bleachers. JEFF is wearing a half-assed Mr. Darcy costume from Pride and Prejudice that’s just a normal suit with a scarf instead of a tie. SHIRLEY is dressed as Princess Vanaerya from Bloodlines of Conquest in a blond wig and long blue gown. BRITTA is wearing a gorilla costume.
JEFF, elbows propped on his thighs: Why does everyone get so obsessed with Rich? Annie, Abed, Annie again the last time he was hanging around us...
A string quintet plunks out the faint strains of Daybreak in the background.
SHIRLEY, shaking her head and peering through opera glasses at the dancefloor: Jeffery, that’s no way to talk about a known member of Ell-Gee-Bee-Tee comm-u-ni-ty.
BRITTA: Yeah, get over your sense of toxic masculinity and join the rest of us in the twenty-first century. [She smirks.] Or maybe you’re obsessed with Rich because of some latent homoerotic feelings--
JEFF: Stow it, Doctor Phil. I don’t care about Rich or his sexuality. I just think that Annie shouldn’t care about him this much either. We should all care about Rich the exact same amount we care about anyone Abed dates in the background, which is basically not caring at all. That’s the real gay rights!
SHIRLEY, lowering her opera glasses dramatically: Speaking of how we’re angels of gay rights, looks like Annie and Troy are coming up on Abed’s gay white bread man at nine o’clock. We need to get down there.
---
Cut to GREENDALE GYM dancefloor sidelines. RICH is in a pretty good Mr. Darcy costume with tophat and overcoat, ruining the effect by smiling beatifically.
TROY and ANNIE sidle up to RICH in unison, one on each side.
TROY, resentfully: Hello, Rich.
RICH, genially: Troy! Annie! It’s so nice to run into you again.
ANNIE, lifting her chin: Are you having a good time with Abed?
RICH: Absolutely. You guys are his roommates now, right? Then you already know he’s a wonderful guy.
TROY, with gritted teeth: HE’S THE BEST.
Rich, glancing at Annie’s costume: You look terrific, Annie. That’s an Elizabeth Bennet costume, right?
ABED appears silently at the edge of the frame. His hair is styled to curl a little around his face, and he’s wearing a square-necked yellow top with puffy sleeves over plain trousers.
ABED: She’s wearing the version from the Kiera Knightly movie, which is far inferior to the BBC miniseries. [He gestures down at his costume.]
ANNIE, with a tense smile: Oh, hi Abed. You’re also Elizabeth Bennet! And Rich is...Mr. Darcy!
ABED, fingergunning: I know my aloof air and deeply judgmental nature might make the audience inclined to cast me as Mr. Darcy, but I actually find Lizzie more relatable because of her tendency to call out the endless dinner conversations layered with subtextual insults that it would typically be social suicide to openly acknowledge.
TROY: Uh, duh-doy, everyone knows that!
ANNIE: Cool! So Rich, what do you think of the different Pride and Prejudice adaptations? Or other Austen adaptations?
TROY, snapping to attention: Ooh, yeah! Or any other movies and/or TV shows? You know, like Sherlock, the Big Bang Theory, Rain Man…
ABED narrows his eyes.
RICH, chucking: Well, those are all very different moves and/or shows, but I bet all the folks involved in creating them really worked hard--
JEFF, flanked by BRITTA and SHIRLEY, strides onto the scene. ANNIE scowls.
RICH: Hey there! Britta, Shirley, Jeff! Wow, this is so nice.
JEFF, ignoring him: I bet Abed would love to tell Rich about literally any movie on your charmingly quirky subsequent dates.
ABED, standing between the two wings of the study group, gives a little ‘eh, that’s true’ cock of his head.
ANNIE: Well I bet Abed would love to hear you talk about literally any movie on this date right this second.
ABED gives a slightly less deep ‘eh, that’s true’ cock of his head.
VICKI, bursting into the scene in a ballgown: Well, I bet Miss Bennet has poor connections, few accomplishments and some very silly relatives indeed! I dare say that a young lady such as herself would do better to keep to Cheapside and away from the likes of fine gentlemen who may be attending the ball.
ABED, snapping into character, smirking and holding his chin high: I do believe I shall be able to bear quite well the loss of the company of such ‘fine gentlemen’ that you allude to. I should be glad to see the back of such an ill-tempered, uncivil, and only tolerably accomplished gentleman.
VICKI: [Annie offended noise]
ANNIE wrinkles her nose.
RICH, stage whispering: Oh, it’s the “rival scene!” I’ll just be over there, within plausible overhearing range but barely having any change in expression.
RICH puts on a stoneface, but keeps breaking into a smile every few seconds.
ANNIE narrows her eyes at JEFF, who slowly smiles and inclines his head.
--
Cut back to STORAGE CLOSET. Light snaps on to reveal ANNIE glaring at JEFF. Camera pans to reveal TROY, BRITTA, and SHIRLEY also crammed in next to the shelves full of janitorial supplies.
JEFF: Annie.
ANNIE: Britta. Shirley. D-minus Darcy.
JEFF, sarcastically: Oh no, that really hurts my feelings.
ANNIE: What are you doing here?
JEFF, crossing his arms: Stopping you from, once again, making things way more complicated than they need to be. Why are you so fixated on Rich? Just let him date Abed!
SHIRLEY: Oh Annie, I expected you and Troy, of all people, to be more accepting of Abed.
BRITTA: Yeah, more accepting like us!
SHIRLEY, smiling tightly: Yes, that was implied.
ANNIE: We’re accepting! We accept Abed all over the place. We just seem to be the only ones who can see that Rich is just...all wrong for Abed.
JEFF, sarcastically jazz-handsing: Oh please, you and Troy both slurped up his magical kettle corn the last time he cozied up to the study group.
TROY: Uh, obviously some people are okay to take delicious snacks from, but not cool enough to date best friends. Anyone who decides to do Pride and Prejudice at a dance instead of doing objectively way cooler Princess Bride hijinks--
BRITTA, taking off her gorilla mask and accidentally elbowing a spare lightbulb off a shelf: Oh Troy....it’s okay if you feel left out.
TROY sticks his fingers in his ears and starts humming.
JEFF: Oh, real mature. [Turning minutely back to ANNIE.] What do you think is so wrong with Rich? He’s too nice, too crushworthy, too good at selecting the perfect host gift that will fit perfectly on your coffee table without cluttering up your living room?
ANNIE, voice rising in volume as she speaks: You know what? Yes! Rich is a perfectly nice, handsome guy who’s great at interior decorating. He’s going to become head of pediatrics at a moderately prestigious regional hospital, meet someone who has a master’s degree but is willing to support his career, and settle down with three kids in a beautiful midcentury house, and we all know that’s not going to be Abed!
Beat. Everyone stares at ANNIE.
TROY lowers his hands from his ears slowly.
TROY, quietly: And Abed doesn’t want that to be him.
ANNIE, recomposing herself: We are just trying to save Abed from heartbreak. He’ll thank me for this later.
JEFF lets out a short, harsh laugh.
JEFF: As someone who’s spent most of my life bullshitting, I think your act about why you’re doing this could use some work. You’re not even fooling yourself.
ANNIE stares at him with huge eyes for a moment, and then snaps the the light off.
This is followed by general bumping and grumbling noises as everyone tries to leave.
-
MONTAGE set to a harpsichord-heavy string quintet cover of Queen’s Another One Bites the Dust. Scenes bleed into one another, dialogue inaudible.
ANNIE crisply flips through the packet of Abed’s dislikes, gel pen in hand. TROY stands next to her and points at the pages.
Cut to the GYM, RICH and ABED sipping punch over a side table. ANNIE comes up holding a globe. She puts a hand on RICH’s shoulder and points at the globe, looking exaggeratedly confused. TROY approaches holding a Star Wars poster, looking equally confused. JEFF pops up behind the table and smugly gestures at the globe and poster before RICH can say anything. ANNIE rolls her eyes as she locks arms with TROY and stomps away.
Cut to a close-up of the list, ANNIE’s hand crossing out “Being condescending” with purple glitter gel pen.
Cut to ABED, peering over a book on the dancefloor sidelines at RICH. They’re interrupted by ANNIE approaching and shaking a pack of chewing gum at them both. BRITTA stalks up and shoves the entire pack into her mouth. SHIRLEY offers RICH a candy bar that, upon him taking a bite, appears to glue his jaw shut. ANNIE huffs.
Cut to “Gum chewing noises” being crossed off the list.
Cut to TROY waltzes across the dancefloor partnered with a blond middle-aged man, visibly cringing. TROY cuts in between RICH and ABED, leaving the blond man dancing with a perfectly-accepting RICH while TROY is partnered with ABED, who also gives a skeptical look at the blond guy. SHIRLEY and JEFF speedily waltz up and cut in once more. JEFF gritted-teeth dances with a still-cheerful RICH, while SHIRLEY pats the blond man’s back and glares over his shoulder at TROY. TROY drops ABED’s hand.
Cut to “Shirley’s friend Finnish Gary we all hate” being crossed off the list.
Cut to TROY striding up to a soaking-wet RICH and winking and jerking his chin. ANNIE nods and wiggles her eyebrows. RICH attempts to grin at them, then brings a hand to his mouth as seems to remember his jaw is still glued shut. ABED looks rapidly between all three of them. BRITTA dances up holding an ancient-looking typewriter and offers it to RICH, who pecks out “HI GUYS :)!” ABED solemnly nods.
Cut to “Communicating exclusively through facial expressions” being crossed off the list.
Cut to ANNIE and TROY walking up to RICH and throw a blanket over his head like he’s a cockatoo, then gesturing emphatically while adjusting an oversized analog clock. BRITTA and SHIRLEY come speedwalking up with a giant lamp and shine it at blanket-covered RICH. JEFF pushes the hands of the clock back in place with a smug smirk, giving a thumbs-up to a confused-looking ABED.
Cut to “Daylight Savings Time” being crossed off the list, and ANNIE looking despairingly at TROY.
--
Cut to HALLWAY outside gym, flickering yellow light falling on TROY and ANNIE’s face through the gym door window.
ANNIE, lowering the list. This has to do it. Abed is going to drop Rich like a freshly boiled yam after he sees this.
TROY, solemnly: I have a thermos of Special Drink in my locker to give to Abed after he finishes freaking out. I’m ready.
Cut to inside of gym doors, which burst open dramatically as TROY stumbles through. He is drenched in bright red liquid.
TROY, yelling unconvincingly: Oh no I have started bleeding from terrible wounds that have suddenly appeared inside me and that is not a metaphor! I need help.
ANNIE, running in beside him: Is there a doctor here who can help my friend? He’s bleeding and requires the attention of a doctor!
TODD, putting down a plastic cup of punch: Oh, I have a first aid certification, let me-
TROY, calmly: Mind your own beeswax, Todd.
TROY, resuming yelling at the apathetic crowd: Any doctors with medical degrees here who can diagnose and treat my mysterious and very urgent condition? Who seem mean and are honestly kind of condescending the more time you spend in their office?
Doors burst open again, kicked by JEFF, framed by BRITTA and SHIRLEY, all backlit by hallway fluorescents.
SHIRLEY, looking over Troy: Oh lord.
JEFF: Ha ha, what a funny bit my friends are doing again. No need for anyone to summon any doctors who might be here at this dance to come look at them.
JEFF strides over and inserts himself, BRITTA, and SHIRLEY in the line of sight between TROY and RICH, who is across the gym leaning on a piano as ABED carefully plunks at the keys with his index fingers.
ANNIE, indignant: Wow, back again, and just like you to tell someone else how they’re feeling when actually they’re really hurt. [Raises her voice]. Troy is really hurt!
TROY: Yeah! My internal and external organs! They’re bleeding!
TROY steps to the left. SHIRLEY shuffles to meet him.
SHIRLEY, sweetly: I think this has gotten a bit out of hand. Let’s just step back and remember what Jesus said about accepting everyone instead of engaging in this silly slapfighting where everyone can see us.
BRITTA: Yeah, you don’t have to do this, Troy. I can help you process and accept your feelings about Abed dating and we can leave Annie and Jeff to their obsession with Rich.
ANNIE and JEFF, simultaneously: Hey!
TROY: My only feeling about Abed is this serious injury I have in my everything!
TROY feints to the right and then abruptly runs for it.
TROY, calling across the gym: Abed!
JEFF: Oh no, you don’t.
JEFF tackles TROY and the two go down in a wrestling heap. SHIRLEY shrieks.
JEFF, attempting to pin Troy and increasingly getting covered in fake blood: Why are you so slippery?
TROY, pinwheeling his legs from under JEFF: WHY ARE YOU GOOD AT FIGHTING NOW?
Wide shot showing dancegoers backing away from them.
ANNIE KIM: Ugh, gross.
NEIL: Come on, again?
BRITTA, frantically: This is not at all homophobic. It’s not what it looks like.
TROY, yelling from offscreen: DON’T TAKE OFF MY BLOOD!
NEIL: What is this supposed to look like?
Cut back to the floor.
JEFF, putting TROY in a headlock and grunting: Troy doesn’t need a doctor for anything other than his case of being a baby. This is just one of their dumb bits! I bet this is just dyed corn syrup, here, if you just give it a taste--
TROY, wriggling furiously: I DON’T WANT RICH TO LICK ME!
BRITTA: Don’t worry everyone, he meant that in a totally non-homophobic way too.
TROY: STOP NARRATING!
ANNIE, circling JEFF and TROY: Get off of him and let us save Abed!
She gives JEFF a sharp kick in the solar plexus, and he collapses, winded.
SHIRLEY, wincing: Annie! Please stop sweetie, we have our reputation as the most accepting people on campus to think about.
Quick zoom to TODD, confusedly watching the fight.
BRITTA: Bad! That was a homophobically motivated kick, stop it.
JEFF blindly grabs at TROY’s ankle and wheezes. ANNIE winds up for another kick.
DEAN PELTON, striding through the crowd: That’s enough, everybody stop what you’re doing!
Everyone freezes and looks at the DEAN, who is dressed in a Freddy Mercury costume. TROY sits up, and then lays back down. SHIRLEY removes her hands from under JEFF’s armpits where she’s trying to haul him to his feet. JEFF coughs and retches. BRITTA lets go of ANNIE’s wrist. ANNIE is still standing on one foot. A string quartet cover of Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now trickles through the scene.
DEAN PELTON, holding a hand to his chest: Oh wow, that’s the first time that’s ever worked. [Growing serious.] Anyway, what exactly is going on here? Very unrealistic-smelling fake blood, Greendale’s best-looking study group physically fighting each other, Britta in an off-theme gorilla costume?
BRITTA, indignant: I’m King Kong, a hero of animal rights, and now gay rights!
DEAN PELTON: That was a rhetorical question, Britta, meant to imply something you already know. And what you already know is that this little scuffle is not at all gay and unacceptably wacky.
JEFF looks incredulous from where he clutches his torso on the floor.
DEAN PELTON: Of all people, I really expected you guys not to be the perpetrators of another Carrie incident. [Getting choked up.] It’s been a really hard week, and I just wanted this dance to go well--
ANNIE bolts.
JEFF: Hey!
The rest of the study group scrambles out of the gym after her.
DEAN PELTON, stroking his moustache morosely and sniffling: Oh, and now they’re leaving too. I didn’t even get to mention my Bo-Dean-ium Rhapsody.
--
The STORAGE CLOSET door bursts open, ANNIE rushing in and rummaging through a back shelf before emerging with an amber bottle.
ANNIE, grimly: Troy, find me a rag.
TROY, eyes widening: Uh…
JEFF, BRITTA, and SHIRLEY burst into the closet after them.
SHIRLEY: Jeffery, maybe we should--
JEFF, breathlessly: What the hell Annie?
SHIRLEY, sighing: Not do that.
JEFF, pointing accusingly: You kicked me! It actually really hurt!
ANNIE, whirling to face him: Of course it hurt, I practice my kicks for at least a half hour every Tuesday and Thursday. And you tackled Troy first!
JEFF: I only tackled Troy because you convinced him to cover himself in corn syrup and fake an injury to provoke Rich into being a doctor in front of Abed!
TROY: I can have my own ideas sometimes! That one was my idea!
JEFF and ANNIE both ignore him.
ANNIE: You’re only getting this crazy because you’re jealous of Rich.
JEFF, with gritted teeth: I am not jealous. I just care about Abed’s first gay date going well and him getting to walk into the sunset with the person of any gender of his choice.You, on the other hand, basically yelled your motivations for ruining Abed’s date the last time we were in this dumb closet.
JEFF grabs at the bottle, which ANNIE holds away from him, kicking at his shins.
JEFF: Ow! Grow up Annie, he already rejected you. Just give me the chloroform!
ANNIE: Oh, I’ll show you chloroform. Troy, rag!
TROY, starting to tear up: THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT. [Balls up his fist and presses his fist to his mouth.] I DON’T WANT TO CHLOROFORM JEFF AND THEN TRICK HIM INTO THINKING SOMEONE ELSE DID IT AND THEN LEAVE HIS BODY IN AN ABANDONED CORNER OF THE SCHOOL WHILE ABED ISN’T HERE.
JEFF gives him an alarmed look.
ANNIE stops kicking.
ANNIE: Oh Troy…
TROY snatches the chloroform from her hands with a shriek and retreats to the far corner, panting.
BRITTA, holding her hands in an (incorrect) time out position: Alright! Shirley and I have been trying to drag this study group into being gay allies all night, and you keep doing all this other stuff. Let’s all take a leaf from King Kong’s book and commune together in peace.
TROY, tear-stained and muttering: That’s not what that movie was about at all.
SHIRLEY, pressing her palms together: Thank you, Britt-a. I’ll hold down Jeff, you hold down Annie. Troy, you hold on tight to that chloroform.
ANNIE, crossing her arms and glaring over BRITTA’s shoulder: Good job Jeff, you made Troy cry.
JEFF, scowling above SHIRLEY’s head: Why does everyone keep blaming things that would happen anyway on me?
BRITTA, in her therapist voice: No more toxic conflict and toxic gender roles, let’s admit the truth without judging each other. I’ll go first: Jeff is being a big baby and just hates the fact that, well...
BRITTA, continuing: Annie’s in love with Rich.
SHIRLEY, simultaneously: Annie’s in love with Abed.
SHIRLEY and BRITTA, looking at each other in shock: What?
ANNIE and JEFF simultaneously open their mouths to object.
SHIRLEY: Ah ah, explanations one at a time. Jeffery, you first. And you’d better make every word as accepting as me and Britta’s.
BRITTA smiles.
JEFF: Okay, fine. Maybe I still don’t like Rich even after we spent that weekend mastering the art of the perfect snack platter and building houses for the needy together. And that has nothing to do with his sexuality, that’s just me. Maybe he does make me feel a little inadequate--like he’d make anyone feel inadequate--and given my choice, I would rather he not sniff around here to date any of us. [He sighs.] But ulterior motives aside, Annie, you shouldn’t ruin all your college dances chasing after some perfect Ken Doll guy who’s too old for you and already said he’s not interested. You’re too good for that.
ANNIE: What? I’m not in love with Rich or--
ABED’s head enters the frame.
ABED: You all left the gym.
Everyone yells in surprise. BRITTA knocks another bottle of cleaner off a shelf.
ABED, craning his neck to look into the corners of the storage closet: Where’s Pierce?
JEFF: The gay basketball team locked him in the English Memorial basement this afternoon after they heard about his speech for your coming out.
Everyone gives a little ‘eh, that’s fair’ shrug.
Abed, pointing his index fingers around at everyone: I picked up on the whole date sabotage thing you all were doing after a while. I’m Kelly from Saved by the Bell and you’re all collectively Zack. But mostly Annie.
ANNIE looks chagrined.
TROY, muttering: Knew he’d find out.
ABED: Annie, I guess I should have asked you first if it was cool for me to date Rich. I can break up with him if that’s what you want.
BRITTA and SHIRLEY and JEFF look dismayed.
SHIRLEY: Oh no sweetie, you need to stay with him!
BRITTA: If your psychologically deterministic first gay relationship fails, you’ll be heartbroken and closeted forever!
JEFF: I almost got chloroformed!
ABED fixes them all with a flat look.
ABED: I know you guys are just trying to help by regurgitating tropes from tragic gay media, but we went over this after the time Jeff went off the rails and played strip pool: I go on a lot of dates with a lot of people of different genders because I’m shiny and adorable. Rich isn’t the first guy I’ve dated and he’s not going to be the last. [ABED shrugs.] Also he doesn’t take his shoes off indoors and he’s unwilling to take any hard stances on the quality of media. I don’t know if this was going to work out long term anyway.
ANNIE, stepping out from behind BRITTA: Stop! I don’t need you to break up with Rich. I don’t care about him! It’s just...he’s the most grown-up guy I’ve ever almost-dated. [Her shoulders creep up toward her ears.] He’s nice, and manly, and he’s a doctor, and when I was into him I thought I was going to get a degree in healthcare administration and become a high-powered career woman and marry a tall, handsome, and definitely heterosexual Mr. Darcy whose heart of gold only I can truly bring out--
JEFF looks distinctly uncomfortable. ABED looks around the closet, raises his eyebrows, and angles his head gradually to the left as ANNIE ramps up.
ANNIE: - and finally get my mother to talk to me again after I give her two beautiful grandchildren and...have a happy family! [She drops her shoulders and looks sadly at ABED.] I know it’s silly, but seeing you on a date with Rich felt like you were taking my…my straightness away from me. I’m sorry. [She looks at her feet.]
JEFF continues to look blank.
BRITTA gasps.
SHIRLEY: Ohhhh….
ABED reaches his arm out and places one hand stiffly on Annie’s shoulder.
ABED, talking very fast: Austen adaptations, particularly of Pride and Prejudice, tend to focus on the slow-motion repressed handtouching, but what romance-focused audiences miss is that the repression comes from suffocating societal expectations of heterosexual marriage and family. Elizabeth Bennet isn’t a heroine because she ends up with a rich man or has the best one-liners, she’s a heroine because she refuses to compromise her happiness to those expectations.
ANNIE looks up at him, confused. ABED inhales.
ABED: You told me once that I didn’t need to get married or become a hacker or do any of the ambiguously autistic socially inept genius stuff that TV characters do, and that my character would always have a role with you guys anyway. Well, you’re still my second-best friend and we don’t need you to have a straight romance to have a role with us.
ANNIE looks around the cramped closet, all of her friends smiling at her.
ABED, with a half-smile: It’s cool that you’re a lesbian. Especially if you stop falling for unattainable men that you never actually stay together with for long anyway and start dating a black-clad cool girl with a mysterious past who’ll solve mysteries with you after you graduate. I have some pitches actually-
ANNIE starts crying relieved tears and cuts him off with a tackle-hug. A beat, and then everyone goes in for a group hug.
SHIRLEY: We accept you, Annie!
BRITTA: Especially me and Shirley.
Annie, muffled against ABED’s shoulder: Thanks, you guys. Abed, sorry I freaked out.
ABED, muffled against JEFF’s back: It’s okay. I forgive you for trying to ruin my date and also for the triteness of this setting for a coming out scene.
ANNIE: I’m cool with you dating Rich if you want. You should invite him over to our place for Wednesday dinner.
At that, TROY, at the outside edge of the group hug, suddenly shrieks and stomps his foot. Packing peanuts go flying, adhering to the fake blood that Troy and Jeff are splattered with.
Troy, breaking into tears again: NOOOOOOOO! I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him! His smiles are too shiny and I can’t hang out with him anymore!
Beat.
Abed: Yeah, I’m gonna break up with him now.
ABED takes a napkin-wrapped fruit tart out of his trouser pocket, hands it to TROY, and then speedwalks out of the closet.
---
Cut to GREENDALE HALLWAY. BRITTA, SHIRLEY, ANNIE, and JEFF make their way leisurely down the hall. BRITTA and SHIRLEY are arm in arm. ANNIE’s hair has fallen out of her bun. JEFF uses his scarf cravat to wipe fake blood off his hair, then tosses it in a trash can.
ANNIE: Britta, Shirley, thanks. You were at least trying to be good friends to Abed. I should have been doing that too.
BRITTA, patting ANNIE’s cheek: Aww...we’re gonna do the same for you! It’s so cool to have a lesbian friend for realisies.
SHIRLEY: We should have seen that you’re too smart to spend your life catering to men. That’s our little lesbi-Annie!
ANNIE reacts to both their statements and visibly decides to let it go, giving them another hug.
SHIRLEY: I guess Britta and I make a very accepting team after all.
BRITTA: Yeah! We should go back to the dance and find more gay people to protect.
SHIRLEY: Oh, that’s nice!
ANNIE, raising her eyebrows: Uh-
BRITTA and SHIRLEY turn toward the gym. ANNIE is intercepted from going after them by JEFF, who puts his hands on ANNIE’s shoulders and then awkwardly takes them off again.
JEFF, earnestly: This is the creepiest I have ever felt about our relationship, and I’m going to have a long and heartfelt discussion about it with my therapist later, but I just want to tell you that I’m really proud of you for coming out, and I’m glad you’re my friend who I will be completely platonic and appropriate with from now on. Or as appropriate as any of us ever get with each other.
ANNIE, grinning: Aw...sorry for kicking you so hard. And thanks for helping me realize I’m gay.
JEFF, slightly pained: Anytime.
JEFF continues: So...I think if we get back to the gym fast enough, we can prevent Britta and Shirley from trying to special episode the Dean. [JEFF offers his arm to ANNIE.] Milady?
ANNIE, smiling a little sadly: You go ahead. I’ll catch up.
---
SETTING: Borchert Hall pool, lit only by blinking neon lights. ANNIE enters and lets a heavy door swing shut behind her. Across the pool is TROY, who has taken off his boots and is kicking his feet in the water while taking comically straightfaced bites out of the pie ABED handed him earlier between swigs out of a thermos.
ANNIE, squinting up at the ceiling: Have the lights always been like this?
TROY doesn’t respond.
ANNIE makes her way to TROY’s side at the pool, tucking her legs underneath her and spreading her skirts over them.
ANNIE, looking out at the water: Sooo…..I didn’t ask you when you agreed to do it why you wanted to break up Abed and Rich. Have you ever thought that maybe your feelings for Abed...
TROY breathes out heavily.
TROY: I KNOW.
The sound echoes in the empty pool building.
TROY: Last week I took an “Are you gay” quiz on Tumblr and it told me that the reason I was taking it was because I already knew I was gay for someone. [Voice breaking] That’s why I dropped my phone into your fancy matzo ball soup, not actually because I remembered just then that sometimes deer eat baby birds.
ANNIE: Well, I can say now that sometimes not being repressed feels...pretty good actually. Maybe you should tell him. You’re Abed’s first-best friend, Troy. I’m sure he’ll care about you no matter what.
TROY, making finger quotes: “Tell Abed?” Abed is a genius, okay? Abed knows everything. Abed told me that I never used that cologne Jeff got me for Christmas because I’m scared that I’m becoming an empty deconstructed leading man archetype like him, and I didn’t even know that before he said it.
TROY grimly balls up the pie napkin and takes another swig of Special Drink.
TROY: If Abed hasn’t told me that I’m in gay love with him yet, it’s ‘cause he doesn’t wanna talk about it.
ANNIE: Oh, Troy.
ANNIE lays her head on his shoulder, fake blood and styrofoam smudging her hair.
ANNIE: Maybe he’s not sure either. Even Abed can be scared, you know. And not just of Daylight Savings Time or touching the dish sponge with his bare hands.
TROY shakes his head.
TROY: I can’t say anything. I’m just going to try to stuff down my feelings like a man and be his friend as long as he’ll let me.
ANNIE: And at least we can be gay friends together.
TROY smiles. The two of them lean into each other and look over the pool, lit in pulses of blue, then purple.
TROY, splashing: Do you want to have a montage where I set you up on dates with all the girls on campus who I went out with back when I thought I was straight?
ANNIE: Oh, um…yeah! I’ll put it in the hijinks schedule for next month. After I get in at least forty study-hours about this whole lesbian thing first.
---
TAG
ANNIE’s face, reflected in a mirror. She stares at herself and hits a stopwatch.
ANNIE, pointing at her reflection: Lesbian, lesbian, lesbian. You are a lesbian. Lesbian, lesbian…
She sighs and stops, pausing the stopwatch.
ANNIE: You guys, I appreciate all the support but this is actually kind of distracting.
Cut to a wider shot of the mirror reflecting TROY and ABED crammed behind her in the bathroom, both shaking rainbow pom-poms.
ABED, lowering his pom-poms: Yeah. It’s pretty crowded in here. I’m standing on Troy’s foot right now.
TROY lets out a sad toot with the rainbow party noisemaker in his mouth. The end unrolls and hits ABED in the face.
END