Chapter Text
GOD
It starts, as it will end, with a garden. In this case, the Garden of Eden. And with an apple.
[ A Snake slithers over to tempt Eve. ]
[ Adam and Eve get thrown out of Eden, but at least they have a sword and clothes. And children I guess. ]
GOD
It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn't been invented yet. But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way. And it was going to be a big one.
[ The Snake slithers over the wall and transforms into – holy shit is that the Doctor from Doctor Who? Finally he’s a ginger. ]
[ Tony Blair is standing on the wall, blond and also checking ginger Alec Hardy out. ]
CRAWLEY
Well, that went down like a lead balloon.
AZIRAPHALE
Sorry, what was that?
CRAWLEY
I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon."
AZIRAPHALE
Yes, yes – it did, rather.
CRAWLEY
Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. First offence and everything. I can't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway.
AZIRAPHALE
Well, it must be bad…
CRAWLEY
Crawley.
AZIRAPHALE
… Crawley. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have tempted them into it.
CRAWLEY
Oh, they just said, "Get up there and make some trouble."
AZIRAPHALE
Well, obviously. You're a demon. It's what you do.
CRAWLEY
Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a "Don't Touch" sign. I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? Or on the moon? Makes you wonder what God's really planning.
AZIRAPHALE
Best not to speculate. It’s all part of the Great Plan. It’s ineffable.
CRAWLEY
The Great Plan’s ineffable?
AZIRAPHALE
Exactly. It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words.
[ Crawley isn’t paying attention anymore. ]
CRAWLEY
Didn’t you have a flaming sword?
[ Aziraphale.exe stopped working. ]
CRAWLEY
You did. It was flaming like anything. What happened to it?
[ Aziraphale.exe can’t restart. ]
CRAWLEY
Lost it already, have you?
AZIRAPHALE
Gave it away.
CRAWLEY
You wot?
AZIRAPHALE
I gave it away!
[ Crawley falls in love. ]
AZIRAPHALE
There are vicious animals. It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already! And I said, "Here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me. And don't let the sun go down on you here."
[ Crawley is completely and utterly in love. ]
AZIRAPHALE
I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing.
CRAWLEY
Oh, you're an angel. I don't think you can do the wrong thing.
AZIRAPHALE
Oh, oh, thank – Oh, thank you.
[ Aziraphale failed Principality 101. ]
AZIRAPHALE
It’s been bothering me.
CRAWLEY
I’ve been worrying too. What if I did the right thing with the whole “eat the apple" business? A demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing.
[ Adam beheads Mufasa. ]
CRAWLEY
It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one.
[ Crawley smiles. ]
[ Aziraphale laughs. ]
[ Aziraphale remembers he’s an angel and Crawley is a demon. ]
AZIRAPHALE
No! It wouldn't be funny at all.
[ It is funny. ]
CRAWLEY
Well…
[ Thunder crashes. Aziraphale looks up. ]
[ The First Rain begins. Aziraphale shelters Crawley and humanity under his wing. ]
GOD
Good Omens, being a narrative of certain events occurring in the last 11 years of human history, in strict accordance, as shall be shown, with The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch.