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The belonging you seek is not behind you,
it is ahead.
~~~
If you had told Ben Solo that one day he would look at the Christmas season and see something other than the aching emptiness of being the forgotten child in a broken family, he wouldn’t have believed you. And yet, here, now, the evidence was right in front of his face.
And singing very, very off key at the moment.
She wasn’t even accompanied by the sweet, dulcet crooning of Bing Crosby or Mariah Carey in the background. No, it was that Taylor Swift girl. An album that Rey had unironically referred to as ‘cottagecore', although why anyone would make an album centered around cottages was beyond him.
Still, she shone before him as she scrubbed the morning’s dishes, brilliant and bright. More dazzling even than the hundreds of tiny, twinkling lights that covered every inch of their little tree.
And the beauty of it was that she had no idea.
Rey, it turned out, had been the best thing that ever happened to him. He’d shown up on her doorstep after a particularly epic fight with his parents, duffel in hand and desperate plea on his lips. He had asked to stay on her couch, only for a night or two, while he figured out what to do… and she had never let him leave.
In all his chaos, all of his dumpster fire, disaster child glory, she had welcomed him into her life with open arms.
It stood to reason that she was the brightest spot in his life, this woman standing before him with bubbles up to her elbows and singing gleefully out of tune as the early morning sunlight peeked timidly through the kitchen window.
She always would be.
Even if he never told her.
~~~
“Do you believe in soulmates?”
It was an innocent question, spoken with such nonchalance that Ben might have overlooked it if he hadn’t already been aware of Rey’s quiet longing for connection. She spoke so little of her past, but he knew it had been rough, that she’d felt adrift and alone more often than not.
So, when she inevitably swiped at her eyes during their yearly rewatch of It’s A Wonderful Life, his heart broke but he said nothing, letting her grieve the past in her own way.
She busied herself with snapping off the roof of the gingerbread house they’d assembled earlier in the week, breaking it down further into tiny pieces that she dipped in her cocoa as he considered.
Did he believe in soulmates?
There was a time he would have said no without hesitation, when he would have argued against the statistical probability that such a connection could exist. It was simply impossible to measure love, let alone whether or not it had the ability to transcend the emotional plane with such force that it came bursting forth into the physical world.
And yet, her soul called to his.
He knew this, without doubt.
“I believe that unselfish love is rare,” he said carefully, measuring the words as they took shape on his tongue, “but not impossible to find.”
She gazed at him as if searching for an answer that only he held the answer to.
“I think I agree,” she said finally.
Then she nodded, almost as if to herself, and turned back to the film.
~~~
“Ben, it’s snowing!”
She came barreling into the room like a force of nature, nearly tripping over herself in her excitement and pulling the first pair of boots that she could find on over thick, woolen socks.
He smirked when he realized they were his.
“It’s been snowing for about an hour now,” he replied casually, pretending to be engrossed in the novel she’d left tucked in his stocking the night before.
“And you didn’t wake me?” she gasped, stopping to stare at him incredulously.
“Rey, you sleep like the dead.”
“Yes, but snow, Ben!” The words were punctuated by a blast of cold air, ushered in as she threw the front door open and gestured dramatically at the falling snow with an infectious grin. “Snow!”
“Well then, your frozen tundra awaits you, snow princess.”
She laughed. “I’ll build a snowman for you, you old grump.”
As he watched her stomping around, fetching her coat, cramming a knit cap over her messy curls, something flipped in his chest. His heart, he realized, although why it should surprise him at this point was beyond him. It had belonged to her for months.
“Rey, wait.”
He caught her on the stoop, hand grasping hers before she could escape to far out into the dazzling brightness of the snow christened world that awaited her. There would never be a right time to tell her, but at least with the magic of the first snowfall of the year cocooning them in their own little world, he felt ready.
At peace.
“I love you,” he breathed, hardly daring to move as she gazed up at him through snow frosted lashes and parted lips.
She blinked. “You… you what?”
Ben paused, suddenly acutely aware that he’d chased after her without a second thought, simply desiring to share in this moment of unfettered joy with her. To follow wherever she led for the chance to revel in the lightness that his soul found when he was with her.
Even if it meant braving the snow in his bare feet. His very, very cold bare feet.
Fitting, really, since he was baring his heart to her too.
“I love you,” he said again, firmer this time, resolute. “I have for a while now.”
Soft snowflakes fell around them, casting the moment in such stillness that he swore his heart stopped several times over before a slow, delighted grin crept over her face. Her breath froze in the air and her hand was ice, but her lips were hot and welcoming as she tangled her fingers in his hair and pulled him down to her. She kissed him with conviction, and if that first night on her doorstep had been an invitation, this was a holy vow.
“Ben Solo,” she said as she broke away, “I love you too. Now come play in the snow with me.”
“If I’m going to do that,” he growled playfully, “I’m going to need my boots back.”
And, with that, he swept her off her feet and carried her back into the house.