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“You getting lunch?”
Roy’s question snapped Riza from her trance. He was already halfway out the office door as he waited for her response.
“Not just yet,” she said quickly. “There’s a few more things I wanted to get done.”
Roy shrugged. “Suit yourself.”
With that, he slipped off to the cafeteria. In truth, Riza felt like anything but eating. She had been slightly nauseous for the last hour or so, something she blamed on her poor night’s sleep. It had been days since she slept well, kept up by an overwhelming amount of work that needed to be done.
Not long after being left alone in the office, Riza began to feel inexplicably weak. This too she blamed on her lack of sleep combined with the high demands of her job. The sensation became rapidly unbearable, however, building up to terrifying within minutes. Her grip on the side of the desk slipped as she struggled to keep herself standing.
“You’re okay...you’re okay...” she told herself firmly. There was a crushing sensation in her chest that grew more and more intense. It was like she was unable to get any air inside her lungs. Her knees hit the ground without her really knowing and a cold sweat broke out over her entire body. The sheer panic that brought her to her knees only lasted a few minutes from start to finish, but it left her feeling weak and incredibly frightened.
Reclaiming her grip on the desk, she stood up. The ringing in her ears swelled to a deafening volume as she struggled to catch her breath. Steeling herself, she walked rather numbly down the hall and into the washroom. Her last bit of strength and composure was dedicated to finding somewhere she wouldn’t be walked in on.
She was grateful no one else was around as she splashed her face with cold water from the sink. There was really no proper way she could describe what happened. At the same time, she was desperate for someone to talk to. She thought of Roy, but quickly dismissed the idea. He was busy enough as it was, and she just couldn’t bring herself to, whether out of embarrassment or something else. But she might not have a choice. She would have to speak with him in order to take the rest of the day off, and he would likely be able to tell just by looking at her that something had happened.
A dull pang of anxiety twinge in her chest as she made her way back to the office. She was absolutely terrified to go back in there, especially knowing that Roy had likely returned from his lunch break. Her legs were like jelly as she gently pushed open the door.
The office was quiet. Roy was sitting at his desk, looking over some of the paperwork that was beginning to pile high in front of him. He looked like he was trying hard to concentrate, his brow furrowed as he leaned against one of his hands. She stopped in front of his desk, doing everything she could to keep herself from trembling. He briefly glanced up at her from his paperwork before scribbling down his signature.
“Hey, Lieutenant,” he said. “I was wondering where you went.”
She swallowed, hardly able to keep herself from gasping for breath. Why was she so nervous?
“Colonel, would it be all right if I went home early?”
He stopped writing for a moment. “Oh? What for?”
“I’m not feeling too well, I’m afraid.”
This time he kept his gaze on her as he leaned back in his chair, giving her his full attention. Part of her wished he wouldn’t.
“You are looking pale. What’s wrong?”
She hesitated. Should she just tell him? It was Roy, after all. Even if she did not fully understand what had happened, she would be able to expect Roy to. She had helped him through a few episodes of his own, after all.
“I...I think I had a panic attack, sir.”
His face grew more serious. “When did this happen?”
“A few minutes after you left, I think,” she said quietly, feeling another cold sweat break out as she recalled the sensation. She gripped the front ledge of the desk with tingling fingers, hoping Roy wouldn’t notice as she tried to keep herself steady. “Would it be all right if I went home, sir?”
“I’ll drive you,” Roy said as he stood up from his desk.
“Sir, there’s really no need for that —“
“My mind is made up, Lieutenant. You’re in no shape to drive yourself. Your hands, they’re shaking.”
She quickly folded them behind her back. He slid on his coat then put a hand on her shoulder. She met his gentle lacquer gaze as he spoke in a softer tone than he regularly used. “Ready?”
It was a cold and cloudy winter day, but the brisk wind did something to help revive her. She found herself leaning closer to Roy than she normally would as they walked, a mixture of looking for a physical support to keep her standing and a yearning to be caught up in his warmth. Roy obliged her, sliding his hand around her waist and pulling her subtly closer to him.
They were both quite cold by the time they reached the car. Roy, being the gentleman, opened the door for her. She was grateful to get out of the cold wind. Her ears were beginning to ache from it. Roy shivered as he shut the door on his side. Everything seemed much quieter now that the wind was muted. She could hear his quiet sigh as he started the car.
“How are you holding up, Lieutenant?” said Roy as he waited for the engine to warm up.
She simply nodded in response. Tired to the point of sick, she was thankful that he was with her. She was not sure if she could handle being by herself at the moment. She shivered, though was uncertain what the cause was, the cold or her fear.
Either way, Roy reached out his hand to her and held hers tightly. Since he had been wearing gloves, his hands were much warmer than hers.
“Just relax. Squeeze my hand if you start feeling flighty again. Nothing’s too small, got it?”
It was unusual for the Colonel to be like this, but she was nonetheless comforted by it. He seemed able to pick up on how out of it she was without her having to say another word. It was perhaps because of how long they had known each other, as well as him having experienced similar bouts of panic of his own.
His thumb gently stroked the top of her hand as he drove her to her apartment. He glanced at her occasionally to see how she was faring, but Riza kept her eyes on the road in front of them. The residual panic that lingered would swell and recede like an ocean tide, seeming manageable one second then making her feel like she was choking the next. She remember what Roy had said just a few minutes before, to squeeze his hand if she sensed that she was starting to panic again. Nothing was too small, right?
As they rounded another corner, a particularly nasty wave of anxiety grabbed hold of her. She found herself hardly able to breathe for the second time that day. Out of impulse, she squeezed Roy’s hand as tightly as she could. Roy glanced frantically in her direction, but had to keep his eyes on the road to keep them from swerving off.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” she said through gritted teeth. She clutched her chest with her other hand as she desperately tried to find her breath. Roy pulled the car to the curb. They could not have been more than a block away from her place, but he did so to put his full attention on her.
He took both of her hands into his own. She focused on those eyes looking back at her as she struggled not to choke on her own breath.
“Breathe, Lieutenant. That’s what you need to do.”
He did what he could to help her take back control of her breathing, making an effort to speak slowly and calmly. Her head crashed into his chest as she squeezed both of his arms. Something between a choke and a wail escaped her, feeling like she needed to scream while at the same time being unable to. Roy remained unwaveringly steady and soft with her. If he was terrified for her, he did well hiding it. He wrapped his arms over her as she cried freely into his chest, which was more along the lines of frantic inhales and uncontrollable trembling.
Just like the first one, it only lasted a few minutes. Riza felt weaker than ever, remaining slumped against Roy even after her breathing evened out. His chest was sturdy and warm beneath her head as she clutched the front of his coat. Her thumb slowly rubbed up and down the hem, a tactile sensation that helped to ground her. He allowed her to stay that way for a little while, letting her take all the time she needed to recompose herself. He gently slipped the hair clip from the back of her head, running his fingers through her hair as she quietly sniffled.
“Ready to go home?” he asked gently.
She didn’t answer immediately, savoring every second of Roy’s comforting touch. Finally, she pulled herself upright, keeping her face hidden as she rubbed her eyes. She was aflame with embarrassment, having a panic attack right in front of him. It was the only way the first one could have been worse. But Roy was very gentle with her, extending her a kind of grace that she was more in need of than she would have ever thought.
The last few minutes of the drive were in relative silence. Roy’s expression was unreadable as they pulled up to the building, but she could tell his eyes were mistier than they would normally be.
“I’ll call you tonight,” he said as she gingerly got out. “If you need anything before then, please don’t hesitate to reach out.”
He looked grave as he told her this. What he was really saying was for her to call him as soon as he was back at the office, maybe even once or twice after that before he would be off work, just to be safe.
She smiled, though aware how it was somewhat strained. “All right, Colonel. Though I’d hate to distract you from your work. I know how determined you are to get that paperwork filled.”
She was pleased to get at least a small smile out of him.
“Take care of yourself, Lieutenant.”
With that, he drove off back to Central Command. Riza lingered on the side of the road until the car was out of sight. Though in desperate need of a cup of hot tea and a long nap, a fragile sense of peace settled over her as she stood out in the cold. Even in the midst of unexplainable panic, Roy was always there for her, and that was enough to ease her mind and settle her spirit.