Work Text:
Closure
Rey popped the cap off her beer bottle and took a long hard swig. The bubbles tickled her throat, making her cough and her eyes water. She moved from the kitchen to the lounge, sitting down heavily on the sofa, staring at the letter that lay on the chipped and stained coffee table. Several rings covered the wooden surface, its varnish tainted by her laziness and lack of care. He’d always moaned that she should use a coaster, putting one down for her when she forgot, with that little annoyed sigh he used to do, his nostrils flaring. It was funny, it was the little things that she had missed the most.
It had been one year since he had gone his own way, one year since she had felt the sting of rejection once more. When she had first found him, she had thought that her days of feeling abandoned were over. She had assumed that they were in it for the long haul, incorrectly. She knew now that she shouldn’t have put that much pressure on him, it would be a lot for anyone. It had taken her months to stop replaying their last conversation over and over in her head. Months for that feeling of being gut punched to stop, when she had realised that he had made his mind up. She remembered his outstretched hand and the pleading look on his face, a look that had turned to anger.
She drained the rest of her beer, turning the empty bottle over in her hand. The stark whiteness of the envelope, written in his neat sloping cursive stood out against the table, screaming at her. Did she really want to read what it said? Would it actually change anything? She shook her head as though exasperated with herself, peeling the sticker from the beer bottle, screwing it up in her hand, the sticky glue leaving a residue.
Her melancholic thoughts were interrupted by the loud vibrations of her phone upon the table. Ignoring the letter, she picked her phone up and read the message, smiling when she saw the sender.
Rose: Come out tonight?
Seconds later…
Rose: Pleeeaaase!
Rey typed back.
Rey: Yeh okay
Rose: Be at urs in 30 :-b x
Rey: Ok, c u then x
Sighing she stretched out languidly before placing the bottle on to the table. For a second she watched the remaining condensation run down the side of the tinted glass before picking the bottle back up. She took it over to the recycling bin and dropped it in, the sound of glass clinking against each other. She imagined his expression if he had seen her do that and laughed softly to herself.
Jumping into the shower, she enjoyed the warm water running over her, steam filling up the tiny bathroom. For a second she felt the ghost of his touch in the steam and spray, running his hands over her body.
“You’re hard to get rid of,” she murmured to herself.
Closing her eyes, she let the water run over her face as she lathered her budget coconut shampoo through her bobbed hair. The first thing that she had done when Ben had left was have her cut short. She knew that it was the most cliché thing that she could have done, but didn’t care, it was cliché for a reason. One day she had been sitting in front of her mirror, bemoaning the fact that she looked thinner and worn, her eyes puffy and surrounded in bruise like circles. Her long hazel hair waved down over her shoulders, having just washed it for the first time in days, when she had an image of Ben burying his face in it, while his hands explored her body. She remembered the way he would pull on it during their fucking, stroke it when they lay curled up together. He loved her hair long so it was the first thing to go.
Jumping out of the shower she roughly towel dried her hair as she drip dried on to the bathroom mat. She scrunched her toes into the soft woolly cotton beneath her feet as she slapped on a basic moisturiser. Wrapping a bath sheet around her damp body, she headed to the bedroom, leaving her dirty clothes in a crumpled heap on the floor. Opening her wardrobe, she stood in front of it, scanning the items within as though she were going to pick anything other than her faithful skinny jeans, a black top and heels. It was a comfy go to outfit, one that she knew that she looked good in. She checked herself in the mirror after dressing, her hands smoothing over her hips and ass appreciatively. The pinched, tired, drained look was gone.
Some tinted moisturiser, mascara and a swipe of lipstick later, she was ready. She was just popping in a pair of earrings when the doorbell rang.
“Doors open,” she called, looking around for her handbag that lay hidden somewhere in the bottom of her wardrobe.
She heard the door open and shut and heard a pair of heels click clack across the kitchen tiles.
“I’m in here.”
“What are you doing?” Rose’s head popped around the door, her brow quizzical as she watched Rey rummage, ass in the air.
“Looking for my bag,” her voice was muffled.
Rose laughed, sitting on the edge of Rey’s unmade bed, Beebee the white and ginger moggy jumping up beside her. He began nudging her with his marmalade mottled head.
“You really should organise your wardrobe,” Rose commented, scratching Beebee under his fluffy chin.
“I know I know,” Rey mumbled, Ben’s similar comments echoing through her head.
At this point Beebee was on his back, legs akimbo, rolling and purring.
“You are such a flirt,” Rose cooed. “Shame you’re the only guy that wants my attention.”
Rey scoffed while at the same time pulling out the searched for item. It was a little bent and out of shape so she punched its insides to try and flatten it out.
“What do you mean by that noise?”
“Plenty of guys want your attention, you just don’t want to give it.”
Rey scrambled to her feet, brushing herself down.
“I…that’s…”
Rey raised her eyebrow, silencing her friend.
“Well, I have high standards, I don’t want to settle.”
“And nor should you, but you can’t then say guys or girls aren’t trying to get your attention.”
“I guess not,” Rose tossed her long, inky black hair over her shoulders.
“Exactly; right, I’m ready,” Rey announced, checking her reflection once more.
Rose watched her but didn’t comment. She knew how broken she had been when Ben had left her, though she had tried to hide it. She had not been able to hide the bloodshot eyes, the weight loss and the dark circles punctuated with the fake smile trying to reassure everyone that she was fine. Ben’s rejection had cut deep. She knew that she had moved on, putting things behind her, but could not help but worry that she would cut herself off from possibility again.
As the pair left Rey’s room, Rose caught sight of the neatly addressed envelope on the table. Rey noticed her looking and for a moment their eyes met, both trying to read each other.
“You still have it?”
Rey nodded, biting the inside of her lip.
“Have you read it?”
“No, it won’t change anything.”
“You could get some closure on it all, move on completely,” Rose shrugged.
“Whatever he said or didn’t say isn’t going to give me that. I’ve already moved on; doesn’t mean I need to forget him completely.”
“Have you forgiven him?”
“No, I don’t need to.”
Music thumped around them in the dim room, the strategically placed neon lights cast a blue glow upon everything. Rose handed Rey another shot before both downing them together after a chink of their glasses. Rey spluttered when some went the wrong way making her friend laugh, tapping her on the back.
“Smooth.”
“I’m out of practice.”
“Clearly, another?”
Rey nodded, when in Rome after all.
Rose was about to order another round of the brightly coloured pink shots, when the bartender placed a bottle of champagne and two flutes down in front of them. Rose scowled.
“I didn’t order these.”
The bartender grinned and tossed his towel over his shoulder like every bar tender in every movie or show ever.
“No, but he did.”
He gestured to a tall, slim redheaded man standing at the opposite end of the bar. The stranger raised a glass of what appeared to be whiskey to them, his expression impassive. Though he briefly caught Rey’s eye, his icy blue gaze was definitely fixed upon Rose. He was not Rose’s type at all, so she was surprised to find her friend blushing.
“What a pretentious show off,” Rose muttered, looking at the bottle and seeing how expensive it was.
“Well, if a pretentious show off wants to buy us an over priced drink, I’m not about to say no,” Rey giggled as she poured them both a glass of the golden bubbles.
They raised another toast to each other.
“To saving what we love.”
Before taking a sip, Rose raised her glass to the strange, suited redhead. He reciprocated with a hint of a smile. They took a sip of the champagne, the bubbles fizzing lightly upon their tongue.
“He certainly has good taste,” Rey commented before taking another sip.
“Indeed.”
“And…he can’t seem to take his baby blues off you,” Rey added slyly.
Rose scoffed, her cheeks still a deeply flushed shade of pink.
“You can’t seem to take your eyes off him either.”
Rose grimaced but didn’t deny it.
“Go and say hi,” she nudged her playfully.
“Are you crazy?” Rose drained the rest of the champagne in her glass at an alarming rate.
“Oh, come on, he’s clearly into you.”
“He’s a suit,” Rey could see from her expression that there was no real strength behind those words, it was just an excuse.
“Rose Tico, get your cute lil ass over there!”
“What about you?”
“I’m a big girl, I’ll be fine,” she rolled her eyes in mock exasperation.
“You know, I think you will be.”
With that, Rose slid herself off the black stool, tousled her hair and sashayed over to her admirer. She’d eat him alive; he just didn’t know it yet.
Rey watched their interactions for a few moments, jealous of that thrill of meeting someone with instant chemistry and heat. It had only happened once, with Ben. Their connection had been off the charts and the young, foolish and naïve part of her thought that they were soul mates or something equally as epic. Her dreams had burnt to ash that fateful day.
Her morose musings were interrupted by someone coughing beside her, clearing their throat to get her attention. She turned to find a man of average height and dark curly hair watching her.
“I wondered if you’d like some company,” he flashed her a charming smile.
“Whose?”
He laughed, clearly not put off. He was cute, Rey admitted to herself, tanned olive skin, dark eyes that held a mischievous sparkle. He could be fun, and she was supposed to be having fun a year on, right?
“My names Poe,” he held out his hand.
“Rey.”
His hand was warm and soft as it briefly held hers.
“Would you like some champagne Poe?”
“Sure, why not?”
Rey gestured to the bartender for another glass before pouring the drink out for him. Passing her new acquaintance, the glass, their fingers brushed each other momentarily. She waited for her heart to stop racing and her stomach to flip, it didn’t.
She did find that she could talk easily to him as they covered all of the usual small talk bases. He had that easy charisma that most people could gravitate to, making you feel at ease. She learnt that he was a commercial pilot, which she could imagine quite easily, and he learnt that she worked as a carer. Between them they finished the champagne and Rey with her head reaching that delightful level of fuzziness, felt herself being led on to the dance floor. She felt light and euphoric, the beat of the music thudding inside her chest. Poe, close behind her, gyrated to the music, his hands holding her hips. He smelt good and moved well and for a while, Rey let go. She spun around to face him, letting his hands wander to her ass, encouraged when she didn’t push him away. She wrapped her fingers behind his neck, pulling his face a little closer to hers. He smiled and needing no encouragement, pressed his lips against hers, slowly, waiting of her to respond. Moving to the music they swayed in unison, hips pressed together and mouths entwined. It felt good to be wanted, to enjoy an encounter however meaningless, with a cute guy. Old Rey would have been too scared, too unsure.
Somehow, they ended up in a darkened corner of the club, making the most of the privacy. Though his kisses were not earth shattering, they felt good, like a balm on a wound, soothing, comforting. His hands slowly stroked over her body, admiring rather than possessing. Ben’s hands had held her as though worshipping her with very touch, lighting a fire across her skin that could only be put out by their joining, both wanting to possess the other.
Poe pulled away for a moment, trailing kisses along her slender neck, her skin warm and fragranced.
“What say we go back to mine?”
His words broke through the pleasant, aroused haze she had found herself in. She pulled away though keeping her hands around the back of his neck. She could easily leave with him now, enjoy a night of fun with someone who looked like he knew what he was doing. She could do what she wanted, have a night of empty fun. However, in that lay the problem, she didn’t want meaningless, not after what she had experienced.
“I’m sorry Poe, this has been fun, but I think I’m going to head home.”
His face fell slightly, clearly disappointed but he quickly put a smile in place.
“That’s okay.”
Rey gracefully slid from his lap, straightening herself up.
“Want me to come wait with you for a taxi?”
He really was a sweetheart.
“It’s okay, I’m here with…actually, where is she?”
She scanned the pulsing club to look for her friend as Poe stood next to her. The place was full of couples and groups of friends, the dancefloor still busy.
“The cute girl in the gold dress?” he asked.
“Yeh.”
He pointed across the dancefloor where she could just make out Rose talking animatedly to the redhead through a sea of couples. The redhead looked mesmerised by her friend, his eyes not leaving her face as she chatted.
Rey whipped out her phone and shot a message off to her.
Rey: I’m heading off now, wanna come?
She saw Rose notice her phone vibrate and check the message, before quickly typing back.
Rose: Actually, do you mind if I stay? 😉
Rey: You sure?
Rose: Lol, yeh, I’ll get a taxi back…maybe
Rey: You sure he’s not a serial killer?
Rose: 90% lol Honestly, I’ll be fine. Besides I switched to mocktails about an hr ago lol
Rey: If ur sure?
Rose: Yes 😊
Rey: Call me when you get home.x
Rose: Will do, love u x
Rey: XX
Rey turned back to Poe who had been waiting patiently.
“Looks like she’s staying.”
“Okay, lets get you a taxi,” his had gently rested on the small of her back as he guided her out.
As they were leaving, she saw Poe exchange a look with a man of medium, muscular build, with tightly coiled black hair, hopeful eyes and full lips that he moistened with his tongue. She had a feeling that Poe would get over his disappointment quite quickly that night.
Rey’s key clicked in the door that opened onto a darkened flat. There was a jingle of a bell as Beebee came charging at her, his eyes glowing in the dim light.
“Hey boy,” she stooped to give him a fuss as she kicked the door shut behind her.
He purred and butted his head against her legs.
“I know I know.”
She flicked the lights on and kicked her heels off, Beebee chasing after them. She sighed with relief as her tender toes were released from their cage, enjoying the feel of the cool kitchen tiles under her feet. The flat was quiet apart from Beebee’s bell tinkling as he played, aggressively trying to kill one of her shoes.
Padding over to the fridge, she pulled out a carton of juice and gulped it down, not bothering with a glass. She could imagine Ben’s disapproving look and slight roll of the eyes. Thinking of Ben, she looked over at the envelope, it was still there.
‘Of course, it’s still there’
Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was her encounter with Poe, or maybe it was because he had sent her that letter six months ago and she had never read it, but she collapsed down on to the sofa and picked it up. She ran her fingers over the slightly rumpled envelope before slipping her finger under the seam and tearing it open. Pulling out the water marked paper, she automatically smelt it, unconsciously searching for a trace of him. It was there, that faint woody musk and soap, the scent that hadn’t left her apartment for weeks after he had gone.
Taking a deep breath, she began to read the gentle sloping words across the expensive paper.
June
Dear Rey
I hope that you are well. Sigh, that sounds so formal doesn’t it?
I really do hope that you are well though and doing better than
when I left. It’s taken me a while to write this, I couldn’t find the
words, that is I didn’t really know what to say. Still don’t, not really.
I know that whatever I say won’t change things, doesn’t help how
you felt back then. I just worry about you, with how I left things.
But it is what you wanted.
For a moment Rey paused, feeling her anger surge back through her, anger she thought she had let go of. Taking another deep breath, she carried on.
Maybe in a different life we could have made things work, but we
both wanted two entirely different things. I know that it’s over between
us, but I was hoping that we could still be friends, maybe? After everything,
I don’t think that I can live a life completely without you, though I’ve tried.
Is that too much to ask of you?
The last six months have gone by so quickly, I’ve barely registered them.
Work has kept me busy, pretty much 24/7, which means you were right I
guess. Snoke’s been a hard ass but I’ve already made partner, my future
at the firm is solid. I’m the youngest partner they’ve ever made, but it means
a lot of the work falls to me. It’s what I signed up for, I guess.
The odd spare moment I get, I find my thoughts drifting to you. I can imagine
you right now, curled up with Beebee on the sofa, a drink leaving rings on the
coffee table. Or maybe you’re out with Rose, turning heads, like you always
did.
My apartment looks out over Venice Beach, you’d hate it. There are so many people
here, yet I’ve never felt so…I don’t know.
Anyway, I will leave you now, hopefully I will hear from you.
Goodbye
Ben
His own name, written in his own name at the bottom of the page was a stab to the heart. Just Ben, not her Ben, just Ben. She glanced over the letter one more time, her earlier anger having abated after reading the words that had such a melancholic ring to them. She folded it back up and slid it once more inside the envelope.
She wanted to be unaffected by his words but she doubted that she would ever be when it came to him, no matter how much she moved on. She wondered as to why he had written and only once. Had it been to assuage any guilt on his part, to tie up loose ends here in London? Is that all she was to him now? The insecure part of her heart told her yes, that’s all she was, nobody, nothing. Yet his words betrayed a hint of, if not regret, a sadness and loneliness. He sounded tired, worn out. Part of her still blamed herself, for she had never told him that she loved him, never told him how she felt. She had always found it hard to open up to that extent, to be that vulnerable with someone. The mocking words of her foster carer echoed through her mind whenever she thought of opening up, that one time she had made the mistake of telling them that she loved them, seeking a mother's love. True, Ben had never said those words to her either, they had simply been together like it as a given, but it had felt real. Maybe he had needed that reassurance too. Though they had both moved on, an ocean between them, they were still connected.
Rey groggily opened her eyes, her head aching and body stiff, her mouth and tongue dry and raspy. She felt as though she had kissed a Wookie or at least licked on clean. She coughed and smacked her dry lips together. She had fallen asleep on the sofa again, Beebee curled up with her, leeching her warmth. He stretched lazily before proceeding to nudge and paw her when he realised that she was awake.
“I know, I’m hungry too.”
She stood and made her way to the kitchen, her fluffy companion trotting after her. It was 10am, so she hadn’t slept in too late at least.
After pouring some kibble into Beebee’s bowl she flicked the switch on her coffee machine; it hissed and whirred as it kicked into action. Beebee purred contentedly as he munched his way through his breakfast. Rey stretched again with a yawn; her head still foggy.
“I haven’t drunk that much for a while,” she muttered. Half to herself, half to the oblivious cat.
She picked up her phone that she had left on the counter, seeing that she had several messages off Rose.
01:00am Heyyyyy, it’s me. Okay I didn’t go home; I went back to his :-b
03:00 Okay, he’s def not a serial killer but OMG!!
03:30 Seriously!!
03:45 TMI…but I came so hard…more than once! Lol
‘Get it Rose,’ Rey laughed.
09:15 Reyyy! I’m still at his, he made me breakfast, a full English! Sex and food! I think I’m in love
Rey quickly text back.
Rey: Sorry I fell asleep, U OK?
Rose: Hey, finally lol. I’m good, more than good. I’m still there haha
Rey: Not bad for just a ‘suit’ 😉
Rose: lol He wants to spend the day with me
Rey: Have fun xx
Rose: Will update you later xx
The coffee machine, having finished, beeped at her, far too noisily. She poured herself a coffee before adding milk and more sugar than was good for anyone. Leaning against the counter, she took a sip of the hot liquid, her eyes falling on to the coffee table.
After a brisk shower and a plate of toast, she threw on a pair of leggings that had seen better days and an oversized sweatshirt. Opening the double doors on to the small apartment’s balcony, cold air flooding the room, she dragged the coffee table outside. Gradually, though vigorously she rubbed the table down with sandpaper. Bit by bit, the tarnished and battered coat of varnish slowly gave way to reveal the pale, bare wood beneath. Hours passed and covered in dust she sat back admiring her work. She had been meaning to do that for a while and it felt good to finally get it done.
Brushing herself down, she then grabbed a damp cloth and cleaned off all of the dust consisting of wood and varnish. The sun was low in the sky as she painted the table with a coat of blue paint, covering it in light chalky layers. Beebee watched lazily from the warmth and comfort of the sofa. Eventually all of the wood was covered. She stood back and admired her handiwork and smiled.
Christmas Eve
After their third cheesy Christmas movie, Rose and Rey huddled on the sofa, debated over what to watch next. Every year was the same. Having both grown up in the foster system they had always been close, especially after Rose’s sister had tragically passed away. They were each other’s family and now had their own traditions every year. Traditions that included watching soppy movies, happy ever afters guaranteed and stuffing themselves with chocolate, mince pies and an assortment of party food.
Rose slumped into the cushions, sticking her stomach out, patting it gently.
“I think I’m going to have a food baby,” she groaned. “I’m stuffed.”
“Oh, that’s a shame, you won’t want any of the cheese on toast I was about to make.”
Rose whacked her with a cushion.
“I didn’t say I was that stuffed.”
Rey giggled.
“I’d have thought you’d have had enough stuffing this week.”
Rose blushed but laughed happily.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Rose shot her a coy look.
Before Rey could reply, there was a knock at the door, followed by the doorbell. Rey looked puzzled.
“I’m not expecting anyone.”
Rose shrugged.
“Maybe Armitage has come early.”
“No, he’s definitely coming tomorrow,” Rose replied, shaking her head.
Rey slid off the sofa and headed to the door.
“Maybe he just can’t wait any longer, Rey put on a silly swooning voice, making Rose laugh.
Rey’s giggles died out instantly when she opened the door.
Those dark eyes she had pushed from her mind looked back. Dark eyes ringed in blue and fine lines, full of that familiar intensity and something else, sadness. Rey didn’t say anything, but her lips parted with the smallest gasp. He didn’t say anything either, his words stuck in throat. His adam’s apple bobbed nervously, his eyes pleading with her. He looked paler and thinner than she remembered, tired and worn, as though he had been chewed up and spat back out.
“Rey,” he whispered.
She vaguely heard Rose disappear into the bedroom, leaving them in private. She still didn’t say anything, instead letting her eyes rest on him, almost feeding her after so long. Her heart thudded loudly within her chest as Ben’s eyes searched hers in return.
“I’m so sorry,” his voice broke.
“What for?”
“For hurting you, for everything. I was so wrong.”
Her expression remained still. As she had said nothing else in response, he took that as a rejection and bowed his head, turning as thought to walk away. He froze when Rey’s hand shot out and grabbed his arm.
“Ben.”
He could cry, hearing his name on her lips once again.
“Will you come in?”
Ben blinked back the tears he could feel pricking the back of his eyelids and nodded. The faintest of smiles danced upon his face as he turned to face her, pulling the corners of his lips up. He slowly followed her inside, the warmth and scent of gingerbread, chocolate, coffee and linen washed over him. Maybe everything would be alright. The wreathed door shut behind them as the snow began to fall softly outside.