Work Text:
“You said it looked better
on me than it did you.”
He was curled up in the corner of the library, immersed in a book, when the door opened. Soft footsteps can be heard going towards him, so he looked up. A white-haired boy stood in front of him, smiling as a greeting. The boy crouched down so that they were eye-level.
“What are you reading?” asked Norman. He peeked over the top of the book, “Stars?”
Ray nodded. “It’s about constellations.”
Norman sat beside him to take a better look at the book. He pointed out an image of a scale, furrowing his eyebrows.
“Oh, that’s Libra,” Ray stated. The constellation made the shape of a cross.
“And it represents a scale?”
“It’s meant to represent balance.”
Norman turned the page, seemingly interested in more. He eyed the images on the paper until his gaze landed on a harp. “Lyra,” he read.
“The story associated with that is interesting, if you ask me.”
They began reading about the story of Orpheus, a man so brilliant with music that even the gods were swayed. On the day of their wedding, Eurydice, the love of his life got bitten by a snake and died. In his great sorrow, he tried to take her back from the underworld, all while playing his lyre. Hades agreed on one condition; that Orpheus would not look back while she was following him. However, Orpheus did not trust the god and looked back when he did not hear his lover’s footsteps, causing her to disappear in front of him. His lyre was thrown into a river when he died, but Zeus turned it into a constellation in honor of Orpheus’ music and great love for Eurydice.
People say that the two of them walk along the River Styx together, looking at each other for as much as they want.
“We should see the constellations sometime,” Norman suggested, and Ray happily obliged. After all, it was Norman who asked. Who could say no to those sparkling diamond eyes? Or that sweet smile that outshines everyone?
Ray could feel the corners of his lips rise.
“That expression suits you. It’s even better than mine,” Norman was grinning at him. Ray switched back to his usual poker face, putting on the quiet kid persona.
“…Thanks, I guess…” He muttered, averting his eyes.
He never questioned it when he sneezed and saw shiny dust on the pages of the book he was reading.
———
“Only if you knew,
how much I liked you.”
They sneaked out in the middle of the night. Climbing on the roof to watch the stars, they sat side by side.
The dark, moonless sky gently covered the world below. The sky was littered with hundreds of glowing lights. Each star was millions of miles away, and yet the light reached their eyes.
Especially his eyes.
Norman always had those jeweled irises ever since he remembered. There was never a time where it didn’t look like skies on a bright sunny day. It was always mesmerizing. Now though, with the light of the stars reflecting off it, it looked even better than before. It was as if someone thought to put the milky way in a crystal ball. The sight was beautiful.
Ray was captivated like a pirate finding buried treasure.
“Look at that star, it’s so bright,” Norman pointed his finger to a dot casting an orange light.
“That’s not a star, that’s Venus, you idiot.”
Norman laughed gleefully, “I was just kidding, jeez.”
“But do you really know the brightest star in the night sky?” Ray challenged, smirking. Norman nodded calmly.
“Sirius,” they said in unison, then laughed together, making sure they were quiet enough to not catch the attention of others who were already sleeping.
“Can you point it out?” Norman asked with a sly smile.
Ray seemed deep in thought while looking above. “No,” he said, “It’s not here.”
“Correct.”
He would love to see it, though. A bright blue light in the darkness of the night; it reminded him of Norman. He supposes he’s seen enough beauty for today, even the heavens were restraining him from seeing more.
He had things to focus on at the moment, anyway. Ray gestured to a set of stars and said, “I think that’s Lyra.”
Norman shifted his attention to what Ray was pointing at. He traced over the dots in a shape that would vaguely resemble a harp then smiled.
"What if Orpheus looked back not because he didn't trust Hades, but because he didn't trust Eurydice to follow him?" Norman asked, becoming all shadows of the moon and dwarf stars.
"Why would Eurydice not want to follow him?" Ray whipped his head to look at Norman who still held his head high to look at the countless stars.
Norman furrowed his brows, "I don't know."
"The answer should be no, because love comes with trust."
"How would you know that? You've never loved anyone."
There it was. A great revelation opened up in Ray’s mind. It was as if all the stars had aligned, and the puzzle pieces became complete.
At least he could stop wondering why Norman looked so heavenly in his eyes. He didn’t have to think any more about why he always considered Norman smarter than him, or how pretty his smile is, or how he still looks cute even when he’s sick, or how conversations with him are always so interesting that it gives Ray something to think about for days afterwards. Norman is perfect, in his eyes, at least.
A bitter smile crossed Ray’s face, "...You're right."
———
Deeper into the night, when everyone else was already asleep, Ray woke up in a cold sweat. The cold, lonely air of the room added to the agonizing feeling in his chest. He turned to lay on his side, curling up like a caterpillar.
His throat was severely dry, and an itch formed in it. Shaking slightly, he let out harsh huffs of air. Something drifted from his mouth and onto the soft pillows, a lustrous, silvery powder.
The thing looked like stardust under the faint moonlight, with specks of royal blue scattering about the array of precious silver and luminous white. Beautiful, an artist would think that it could be used to paint the galaxies themselves. Only there was one problem.
It hurt .
It scratched at his throat with each cough. He could feel lines being drawn inside his neck as though chains were being dragged into it. Lifting his sleeved arm to his mouth, he suffered in silence.
———
“But how could I hate her?
She’s such an angel
But then again,
kinda wish she were dead.”
Ray sat at his usual spot underneath the tree, too preoccupied in a book to be playing with the other children. But really, he has been reading the same paragraph for about five minutes now. Focus was hard to come by when you want to scrutinize someone with your eyes and look away at the same time. He figures that perhaps, the latter was better. At least he could distract himself from watching the scene in front of him
Norman and Emma were playing with the other kids. Hand-in-hand, they ran together under the clear blue skies. Pleasant laughter flowed between the two of them like a river of perfect harmonies. Clearly, they were meant for each other, and Ray was just a side piece in their perfect love story.
He turned away in discomfort.
But that was short lived, as moments later, a yelp could be heard throughout the yard. He panned his eyes to see what caused the ruckus, and there she was. A girl with blazing orange hair had fallen onto the grass. Norman helped her up, offering a hand. She got back on her feet and dusted herself off, sighing. By that time, most of the children had crowded around her.
He couldn’t help but stare at Emma. Always so bright, always the center of attention. It’s almost like she’s made from sunshine. Everyone is drawn to her like iron filings to a magnet. His hatred for her isn’t justified at all. There was nothing to hate, and maybe that is what he despised most.
She caught her staring at him and immediately gave a shining smile. He was taken aback, flitting his gaze back to the text he was reading. Really, her smile was amazing, precious even, but it makes him want to crush it with all the force he has. He wishes she would disappear, so he could never see her face again.
She quickly ran off. Apparently, she was ‘it’ this time. In a matter of a few minutes, she had caught everyone, except for Norman, who had better strategies than her. Her, whose idiocy can barely be called idiocy (well, she stayed around this long and always had perfect scores). They all got ready for another round of tag. She says something along the lines of, “I’ll catch you next time, Norman!” Idiots never know when to give up, and that is admirable.
He hunched in on himself. Why was he being bitter when he had nothing better to offer? She was extremely pretty, and he was average. She was loved by everyone, and he sat underneath a tree all by himself. Most importantly, she spends time with Norman, while he’s in a corner, drowning in his own misery, crushing on someone who will never like him back. She is everything Ray hopelessly wished he had enough optimism to become.
There was really nothing to hate about her.
And maybe that is why he hates himself most.
———
“But I watch your eyes as she
walks by.
What a sight for sore eyes.
Brighter than a blue sky.
She's got you mesmerized
while I die.”
Norman notices the smallest little details. That was a given, considering how smart he is. Yet, Ray’s feelings were never given any attention (or he’s that good at hiding it). All he talked about were either their plans of getting out of this wretched orphanage or Emma. It was never Ray.
Ray notices the smallest little details. That was a given, considering he only watched most of the time. Yet, the smallest little details were forgotten when he looked at Norman while the white-haired boy never looked back. His head was turned towards Emma. Of course, it always had to be her. It’s always her he looks so happy talking to.
Emma and Ray were both important people to Norman, but Ray knew that they were not the same in Norman's eyes. If he and Emma would be placed on a scale, Emma's value would weigh heavier than his. After all, she managed to do in a few months what he had been trying to do in years. It would only make sense why Norman sees her more, why Norman needs her more, why Norman likes her more.
It was a small little detail that he never missed.
Though was it only a small detail when it left a massive crack in his heart?
———
"But you liked her better
wish I were Heather."
“I like Emma. That’s why I want her to always be smiling.”
Just like that, Ray’s world crumbled. He let go of Norman's collar. Fate rubbed salt on his already morbid wound and spat on it to add a cherry on top. Of course, Norman would never love him. Mother told him that only girls and boys are allowed to love each other. He was just weird. Plus, there was absolutely nothing that Norman could find attractive in him. Not his plain features, not his slightly above average intelligence, nor his lack of social skills.
She was close to perfect, and even though he wanted to be nothing like her (an annoyingly perfect idiot), he found himself jealous of her. To be in her place, how great would that be? How great would it feel to be loved?
It was all set up to be like this. He should’ve known. The world was never kind to him from the day he was conceived. Why did he even hope for Norman to like him back?
Still, he smiled. He read in a book that you can fool yourself into thinking that you’re happy by simply smiling. He couldn't afford to cry in front of Norman, now (not that he ever cried). He was happy for Norman, and for Emma. He was happy because Norman looked happy. And Emma? Well, she deserves someone like Norman. Yes, he was going to be alright with the way things are.
“Ray? Hey,” Norman waved his hands in front of Ray’s face.
“Oh, Huh?”
“Were you even listening?” Norman frowned slightly. After that, he stared intensely into Ray’s face, making Ray think that there was actually something wrong about him. Were his lips too chapped and crusty? Scratch that, Norman wouldn’t look at his lips. Perhaps Norman would point out the dark bags underneath his eyes, or a stray eyelash that he wasn’t sure existed, or hell, even an insect that had crawled on him. After a short while, Norman finally asked, “What’s that?”
“What?”
“There’s something on your face.”
Ray tried to wipe his face in all directions using his hands. This could not be any less the most unfortunate time for this. Did his thoughts even make sense? No, probably not. He was looking like a fool, wasn't he? Hastily, he asked, “Is it gone?”
Norman shook his head. “I can get it for you, if you’d like."
Now, Ray was fully prepared to say no, out of sheer embarrassment in front of a very special person. He eventually decided against it because this was an opportunity that didn’t present itself very often. A selfish part of him just wanted Norman's attention. The other half was telling him not to fall deeper as he knew that Norman already likes someone else. He leaned forward, and heard Norman chuckle before a thumb was swiped over his left cheek.
“There, it’s gone,” the silver-haired boy started, “I wonder what it is though.”
The small point of reflective blue certainly stood out against Norman’s thumb.
———
At the dinner table, Ray somehow found himself staring at Norman. The other boy was sitting directly in front of him. The current situation wasn't telling him if that was a blessing or a curse.
It was definitely more of a curse when later, Emma sat beside Ray. She swung her feet restlessly beneath her. There was nothing graceful about it, but she still managed to make the movements look good. It suited her, there was no denying that. If Ray tried doing it, he was sure he would be made the laughingstock of the house.
Mother hummed a happy tune while she prepared the food. Neat plates were already set in front of them, shiny silverware at its sides (the luster of it reminds him of the strange powder, but he wasn’t going to tell anyone about that). The only thing missing was of course, the food. Ray waited in isolated silence while everyone around him were talking amongst themselves
Still, Emma was unusually quiet. She didn’t frown though, nor did she keep a blank face. It appeared as if she was content to be there.
Someone tugged on his sleeve. He turned to gaze upon a girl with brilliant blue eyes and long blonde hair fixed into two braids. If he remembered correctly, she went by the name of Anna. Timidly, she asked a question.
“Why is it that you never hang out with us?”
He hadn’t thought about that. Was it because the children were noisy idiots who he can’t relate to? Was it because he can’t fathom proper human interaction? Or was it because he knew that they will all die someday? He might laugh. For someone whose death day may be very soon, he sure isn’t using his time well.
“Yeah Ray,” Emma butted in suddenly. She propped her elbow on the table and rested her head in her hands, facing Ray. With a wonderful grin, she continued, “tell us why.”
She was annoying to the point where it was kind of charming.
Making an outward motion with his hands, he replied coolly, “I wonder why, too.”
“Does…does that mean you’ll play with us sometime?” the blonde girl asked. As she said that, her eyes seemed to have sparkled.
“Maybe.”
She brought her hands together and smiled genuinely, “Don’t hesitate to join us, okay? We’d like to spend more time with you, especially because you’ll be celebrating your birthday soon.”
The last line suddenly changed the temperature of the room. Mother stopped in the middle of mixing soup to gape at them. Her face became motionless, and it was devoid of all observable emotion. However, Ray knew that when she turned her head back around, a deep frown etched itself onto her face. For a while, it replaced the overused smile that she seemed to like wearing.
He could feel bile building up from the pits of his stomach and up, up, up. Up until acid rose just beneath his throat. Up until his face contorted into a pained expression. Good thing he could cover his face just before he gagged.
“What’s wrong?” Emma asked with concern.
He mumbled an excuse before running off to the bathroom. After locking the door, he immediately went over to the toilet, emptying his insides out. Disgusting retching sounds and clear liquid containing shiny particles were the only things to come out of his mouth. Well, he didn’t have much to keep in his stomach anyway.
When he felt like he had run out of things to heave up, he took the time to wipe the tears he didn’t know he shed. Still, the back of his throat burned. He hacked, leaning over the rim of the toilet.
Moments later, when it became comfortable to breathe again, he collected the strength to stand up and go to the sink. Cold water was splashed onto his face. His reflection looked back at him miserably, but he didn’t mind, because when hadn't it always been like that?
He's always looked sullen ever since he knew the truth. Happiness was temporary on warm sunny days where he chose to play games with his siblings. To say that he was sulking and unhappy would be nothing unusual (don't act like he's the only unhappy one here, too).
Despite that, there was one thing he didn’t understand, though.
He walked back to the toilet and gazed at the shiny mess of sparkly colors inside it. Reaching over to flush it down, he watched as the gleaming flecks spiraled away, reminiscent of a black hole.
How and why did that come from within him?
———
They failed. He failed. Today was a reminder of that. Today was the day Norman leaves. Today was the day where his heart would die. Today was the day where he wished that the demons could all burn in hell where they rightfully belong. Today was the day where he hated his mother’s default smiling face to no end and wished that she could do something…something to get Norman away from the demon’s grubby hands. Today was the day where he wished his own mother would give him away to make another child’s life last longer.
Today was the day.
Norman wore clothing different from the rest of them. He had a black suit and a white hat that would complement it. Everyone gathered around him. Most of the clueless children were beaming. Sheep. They truly thought he was going to be adopted into a happy family. He can't blame them for being ignorant children, though. If he had stayed one, then he would end up the same as Conny. A wasted life. A life cut short by those ugly demons. He wasn't about to let that happen to any of them again.
On the other hand, some of the older children looked sullen, most especially Emma. He hated to see her so...dimmed down, but his departure was inevitable. Him being shipped off was fine, as long as the others could escape. He couldn't deny it though, seeing them for the last time, seeing the people one is about to die for leaves a certain ache in one's heart.
Farewells were bid, and last words exchanged.
Ray didn’t hear it, because he was too much of a coward to watch Norman leave. He couldn’t bear seeing Norman say the last goodbye he will ever get to say. They were still young; they weren’t supposed to die yet. They were supposed to live their lives and grow up, like Mom.
He tried, he really did, he tried to save them, but even Orpheus failed in saving his beloved.
However, he wasn’t Orpheus, and Norman wasn’t Eurydice. He was just a child, a small powerless child in this ruthless world ruled by demons. In their words, “mere cattle”. Also, he wasn’t brilliant in any way; he was only a bland ghost that would never be seen by the one he loved most. He wasn’t Orpheus, because Orpheus was loved.
Ray turned his head once he heard footsteps passing by. From his location at the landing of the stairs, he could see Norman smile sadly at him. He turned away, and Norman continued walking. Eventually, the door shut, leaving silence in its path.
That was the last time he ever heard from Norman.
He pulled the sheets over his head and quietly cried into his pillow that night. In the morning, he dusted off the dull stardust that collected in his hair. Monotonous he was, more so than always.
———
Today, he didn’t have the energy to go down the stairs and play with the other children, much less see Emma. He just wanted to lay in bed and read a book, so that is what he did. His mother had come up to ask about his behavior.
“Leave me alone,” he said weakly, “I’m not feeling well today.”
She stood at the doorway, looking concerned. Then, she entered the room slowly and placed the tray she was carrying on the small table beside the bed. She spoke, “You haven’t eaten anything yet, how will you get well?”
“I don’t want to eat.” He pulled the blanket closer, as though he was giving himself a hug. Covering his mouth, he broke into a coughing fit.
Once he was done coughing, she took a spoonful of soup and blew on it. She drew the spoon near his lips then said, “You don’t have to eat all of it, just a little bit. Come, open your mouth.”
Hesitantly, he did. The soup (which was probably delicious, as Mom’s cooking always was) tasted like nothing. It could be comparable to warm water with tissues in it. He shook his head and pulled back.
Mom frowned. Sternly, she said, “You have to eat.”
Another filled spoon came rushing towards his mouth. Opening his mouth slightly, he stared into his mother’s downcast eyes. He could not let her worry, so he gulped down a few spoonfuls of the warm soup. He later had something to vomit back out.
———
Once his mother had left the room, he returned his focus back to the book he was reading. The title, embossed in silver, read ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. It was a story about a girl who fell into a deep sleep after eating a poisoned apple offered to her by her envious stepmother disguising as an old woman. Later, she was woken up by the kiss of her betrothed and ultimately lived a happily ever after.
The sun was covered up. Cloudy skies were a perfect sight to him. It perfectly describes his mood. It also describes in perfect what his world was now like. Oh, that person’s eyes were probably cloudy now, just like everyone who left. Conny, he probably saw her dull, lifeless eyes, and that wretched, wretched flower.
He closed the curtains (he just avoids looking at the sky in general). Whilst he was tugging, he felt an odd shape hidden in it, but paid that no heed. He couldn’t care less about anything anymore. Not even his own well-being, even less his own well-being. He just wanted to disappear from this world. Escape, and dance along the River Styx with his beloved. He wished to be able to look at him again.
A series of knocks arrived at his door. Tired of being bothered, he immediately hid under his blanket and pretended to be asleep.
“I’m coming in!” a loud voice announced outside. The door creaked open only seconds later. Emma stepped inside the room, but she halted when she saw the still form underneath the blankets. Her tone becoming forlorn, she spoke, “Oh, yeah, you should…rest. I can come back later.”
The footsteps turned back, fading away. Emma closed the door shut, uncharacteristically quiet.
He almost forgot about her. Staying alive is necessary, at least until everyone escapes. He will follow through with the plan to make sure they escape. One could say that she is his anchor to this world, the only attachment he has left. Indeed, the former object of his hatred became his reason to live.
The dimness of the light filtering through the curtains were making it slightly hard to focus on the text he was skimming through. Not to mention that it took him slightly longer than normal to read a short story. He had to admit, he was getting rusty.
As he drops the book after reading the final page, he muses, “True love’s kiss, huh?”
If there was no prince charming, where would salvation come from?
Suddenly, he coughed into his hand. It felt strange. Verily so, because the sparkling fragments in his palm was morbidly decorated with scarlet.
———
It hurt. The glistening particles were now everywhere. Inside his lungs, in his throat, raining from his eyes, flowing from his throat. Breathing did not come easily to him. He hacked and choked miserably. His throat was now rubbed raw from expelling the silvery material which coursed through his airways.
The door burst open. Emma stood frozen at the doorway. She covered her mouth as she gasped at the sight before her. Ray was on the floor of the tiled bathroom. He looked terribly ill. His matted hair stuck to his damp forehead, crimson blood flowed freely from his nose, and unfamiliar particles scattered about his shaking frame. He wouldn’t stop coughing, and his palm caught whatever it is that came out of his lungs.
She rushed to help him. As she was approaching, she realized that he seemed to be sobbing. Squatting down next to him, she softly patted him on the back. She said, “It’s okay, you’re not alone. I’m here now.”
Ray put his gaze on her. It was only then that she could take a proper look at his face. She was right; he had been crying. His tears were beautiful, a luminous substance had embedded itself in it. It was a beautiful, shining river. However, she couldn’t be less sorrowful about it. The only thing that mattered right now was that Ray was crying, and she should comfort him.
“Emma, I’m sorry,” he croaked out, “You have to go." (without me, he tried to whisper, but it was stuck in his throat.)
“Huh? No way!” She looked at him as if he had grown a second head, “I’ll stay with you until you get better.”
She reached up to touch her forehead and found that it was burning. She flinched when he coughed violently. This time, some blood came with it. Her eyes grew wide in horror.
“See? I can’t go with…” he trailed off. His world seemed to sway, and his head suddenly felt heavy. Darkness was what he saw as he collapsed.
———
The steady beeping of the heart monitor accompanied the two of them in the room. Emma sat beside a bed where an unconscious person lay. Ray had a tube connected to his arm, and an oxygen mask covered his face. He laid comfortably underneath the white blankets of the infirmary bed.
Leaning her elbows on the mattress, she read a letter like she was reciting a bedtime story. The ink on the letter had smeared in some areas, as though someone had been crying on it. She found it hanging from a string behind the curtains in the sleeping quarters. Hoping Ray would hear it, she would read it to him every night. He said nothing, of course, but she would like to hear his thoughts on it once he wakes up.
She read the text slowly, almost slurring her words in some sentences. Soon enough, her head fell, and she slumped against the sleeping body. The paper she held was left forgotten, crumpling in her hand.
When she came to, all she heard was a robotic high-pitched sound. She snapped up in sudden awareness. Perhaps she didn't hear her own screams, or the children rushing to the infirmary, or Mom's pleas to calm down. Perhaps she didn't notice her own teardrops staining his white shirt as she gaped at him in shock.
Her movements were frantic. She reached for his wrist, trying to find a pulse. When that didn't work, she searched for it in his neck, in his head, in his heart. When she found nothing, she hurriedly placed her hands on his chest and pushed down repeatedly. He was going to live, she knew it, he was not going to die. She suddenly halted her movements, turning to slap him on the cheek. She beseeched, "Hey, wake up! I know...I know you're just pretending. Stop that!"
Mom grabbed her arm, pulling her back. She wriggled out of her grip and yelled, "No, no, he's alive. Let me go!"
Emma returned near the bed to hold him tightly. "Come back, please," she begged, "...please don't leave..."
———
Hey, Ray
Congrats, you found it! I know you will, you’re smart like that. If you’re reading this, then I’m probably already gone, but don’t worry. Think of this letter as a part of me now. My predictions are always correct, and here I’m predicting that you’ll take this with you when it’s time to leave. I hope everyone escapes safely, sorry that I can’t go with you. How is the outside world like? Are the skies clearer there? I’d really like to know, but there’s no hope for me. I have to go tomorrow, there’s nothing we can do about that. Be happy without me, okay? I trust that Emma will try to cheer everyone up. Please take care of her.
I wish I could see the stars with you again. Oh man, I want to go back to that time. You looked so happy then, you even got rid of that poker face, just for a moment. I know your feelings, Ray. I noticed how you would always look away at the last second when I’d glance at you, or how bitter you would be when I spend too much time with Emma. I asked her too, about you, if it really was the actions of someone in love. She said she had always known. You’re really that obvious.
Will it make you happy if I said I love you? That’s true, I really do love you. I like Emma, but I love you. If only I realized it sooner, I would’ve spent more time with you, but there is no more time left. If I confessed my feelings to you right now, while I’m still alive, I know that you’ll never be able to let me go. You might even throw yourself to the demons in my place, so I’ll just say it in this letter, because I want you to live. I’m so sorry. Don’t cry. I love you, but it’s too late to say that, isn’t it?
I want you to live for me, Ray. Keep them safe, keep her happy. You’re strong, I know you can do it. Proceed with our plan, so you can live freely, for as long as you want.
Ah, this letter is getting too long, I’m kinda sleepy now. Goodnight, Ray. Say hi to everyone for me.
Love,
Norman.