Work Text:
All that's left is a ghost of you
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon
It’s truly remarkable how two months can feel like both a lifetime and no time at all. But that’s the odd liminal space TK finds himself in now with Carlos. Going into work each shift, knowing there’s a very high probability that he’ll cross paths with the man should be all the incentive TK needs to figure things out but it only ever leaves him more confused. Carlos is far more forgiving than TK deserves. He’s patient and kind where others would have already given up on him.
The team is gathered for a small birthday celebration for one of the paramedics. TK knew to expect Carlos and still, it’d come as a shock to see him comfortably situated with everyone. TK has spent the better part of the night watching Carlos from across the room. He’s at ease here, mingling among the paramedics and firefighters. It’s not surprising; they’re as much a part of his life as TK’s but something tugs at him, the way Carlos is able to work the room and engage with everyone but him.
This is his own doing, TK knows. After all, he’d been the one to call things off after things had finally started looking up. He supposed he couldn’t fault Carlos for steering clear of him, giving him the space he’d asked for.
All the same, he’s unable to mask his surprise when Carlos grabs his jacket and starts saying his goodbyes for the night. The man exists from the loft and heads down the stairs. It’s hardly a conscious thought for TK as he gets up and follows him to the ground floor.
“You’re leaving already?”
Carlos stops in his tracks between two fire trucks and laughs incredulously.
“I don’t think you want me here. The way you’ve been looking at me all night, I would think you’d be glad I’m calling it a night. You’re clearly uncomfortable with my being here and I’d rather not stay somewhere I’m not welcome.”
It’s the most direct TK thinks he’s ever seen Carlos be and this bluntness catches him off guard. There’s a bit more bite to the man’s words than usual.
“You’re always welcome here. The team loves having you over.”
“The team, sure. Does that include you?”
TK opens his mouth to speak but closes it back. That simple move says more than his words ever could apparently as Carlos nods to himself.
“Wow, okay. You have a good night.”
He walks out of the opening and though he’s a moment slow in flowing, TK’s legs carry him forward outside. Carlos’ Camaro glistens under the streetlight. Carlos is already pressing to unlock the vehicle, poised right at the driver’s side by the time TK gets close to him.
“You’re mad at me,” TK calls out. “I’m sorry. I’m seriously not trying to make you upset.”
Carlos stops then, his hand gripping the door handle. He’s so still that all TK can do is mirror his stance and hold his breath, just waiting to see what the man will say.
“No. No, I’m not mad. I’m frustrated and confused and I’m just…I’m tired, T.”
TK shuffles, looks down at his feet. He feels so adrift but he isn’t so sure there’s a way he can pull himself to safety here. The divide between them seems to expand with each wrong thing he says, keeping the perfect words to salvage this from coming out instead.
“I’m not doing this on purpose,” he mumbles.
“Crazy thing is, I know you aren’t. Still doesn’t make it any easier to accept but I’ll have to. It’s the only way I can walk away from this with even an ounce of dignity, right?”
Carlos sighs and shakes his head. “Maybe I’m asking for too much here, I don’t know. But you’re making yourself clear and I get it now. You don’t want a relationship and I don’t want something casual so it’s a draw. We both lose.”
Carlos looks at him for a moment over the roof of the car before shrugging. He offers the smallest of smiles, so faint yet packed with defeat. It twists TK’s heart, lodges something so fiercely into his throat to see the man surrendering.
He’s pushed Carlos to a point of no return, he realizes too late. If he doesn’t do something quickly right this minute, Carlos will be lost to him forever. TK may still lack the ability to get them back on even footing but he has to try. That much, above all else, he knows he must do.
Carlos opens the door to his car and before TK can put a thought to it, he’s yanking open the passenger side and sitting down.
The silence in the car feels like an uncomfortable weight against his skin. He’s forced himself into this space and is unsure of how Carlos will react. The man is never truly quick to anger but TK knows he’s more than pushing his luck here.
He turns to face Carlos and finds the man openly staring at him, no doubt confused as to what TK must be playing at in not letting him go. Perhaps he ought to, TK thinks. Carlos is too good a guy to keep on the line. His feelings for Carlos are so all-consuming and yet he finds it so difficult to make something of it, to say outright that he wants this to work out.
“I don’t know how to talk to you about any of this. It shouldn’t be so hard but it just is.”
“I don’t see how we can get past this if you don’t figure it out,” Carlos says, not unkindly. TK knows he’s absolutely correct. It’s the basic function of any dialogue.
Carlos looks forward, gripping the steering wheel. TK watches his hands, remembers exactly what it felt like to hold onto one the night of the aurora borealis touched down in Austin. A moment in time from someone else’s life, it seems.
“I know I’m not imagining this vibe between us. I can tell you feel it. That you can see it as clearly as me,” Carlos says, turning then to look at him.
“I’m not denying that.”
“No, instead you’d rather deny yourself a good thing. Why, TK? You can’t keep ignoring this.”
TK squares his shoulders, sits up a bit taller against Carlos’ words as if he can shield himself from it all.
“One day you’re going to wake up and realize you can do so much better than me.”
Carlos’ mouth closes, his face the picture of hurt and confusion.
“One day I hope you’ll wake up and realize that you’re all I could possibly want.” Carlos pinches the bridge of his nose, his eyes squeezing shut. “I feel like I’m losing my mind. You run so hot and cold, I can’t get a read on you at all. Am I missing something here?”
TK picks at his fingers, his heart racing. He’s dreaded this moment but he doesn’t see another way out.
“I think it’s time I tell you the full story about why my dad and I moved down here.”
This is a facet he’s only vaguely touched on with Carlos. It’d been enough that night at the police station to explain his behavior in getting into a brawl but, TK sees now, the finer details need to come into focus if Carlos is to ever fully understand his hesitancy to dating. If he is ever going to move forward, he has to work through the past in order to secure a bright future.
Carlos doesn’t move an inch in his seat, giving over his full attention to TK as tries to decide on how to start.
TK sits back against his seat and pulls in a breath before he speaks. Once this story is out there, warts and all, there’s no turning back. But one look over at Carlos makes TK feel assured that he’s making the right decision. If there was ever a person he would want to be with, it’s this man that has managed to make him feel alive in a way he hasn’t in months.
“So, I was dating a man named Alex…”