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The beach. Waves of blue. Golden sun. Warm summer day. And that familiar figure that he doesn't dare to get closer to. A scene so clear and beautiful yet so, so fragile.
-
It's on Jungkook's second year of high school that he first sees him.
The weather is the hottest it has been since the beginning of summer, and Jungkook feels like heading to the beach. Jimin, his best friend, was supposed to go with him, but the boy's mother had asked him to help her with something. Jungkook doesn't remember what it was, it's too hot to even think.
When he nears the ocean, the humid breeze is already soothing. The sunlight makes the water sparkle and Jungkook finds himself smiling at the sight. He loves the ocean.
Jungkook is about to throw his shirt on the sand when he notices someone standing right at the water's edge.
The beach is small but open to public and it is no surprise to see someone there, especially on such a hot day, but... Something about this stranger feels different and Jungkook can't quite say what exactly it is. He just notices his heart beating a tiny bit faster when the sunlight forms a halo around the stranger's black hair. The boy's back is turned to Jungkook and suddenly Jungkook doesn't want to be seen. Doesn't want to break the perfect picture.
But wind changes its course and the stranger is turning around. And as much as Jungkook tries to keep his gaze on the camera this boy is holding, his eyes can't help but search for the boy's. Brown eyes meet his and Jungkook shivers.
Jungkook returns to the beach the following day. He is half nervous, half excited. Maybe he can see the boy with the camera again. Last day he had left without saying anything after the stranger had turned to face the waves once more.
But what if the boy is not there? Or what if he is? Does Jungkook really have enough courage to go talk to him? What would he even say? 'Hey, nice camera?'
His feet hit the sand and a cloud covers the sun.
He doesn't see the boy again until the last proper summer day. That day he's hanging out with Jimin who is craving to get some ice cream.
"What about going to the beach? The ice cream they sell at the stall is delicious", Jimin suggests.
Jungkook had all the summer to forget the boy with the camera, but the mention of the beach still brings the memory back to him, like it was just yesterday. He weighs his options in his head before finally agreeing.
"Sure. Let's go."
There is a long line at the ice cream stall.
"What flavour are you going to get?" Jungkook asks even though he already knows.
"Chocolate!" Jimin answers cheerfully. "What about you?"
"I feel like getting mint chocolate", Jungkook says after thinking for a while.
Jimin's face looks like he has just been gravely insulted.
"Really, Kook?! That's-"
"Disgusting."
"Exactly! Wait, who are you?"
Both friends turn to look behind them at whoever had cut in their conversation. In the line behind them stands a boy with a camera bag hanging on his shoulder.
There are five things Jungkook learnt that day.
First, the boy's name is Taehyung.
Second, Taehyung likes strawberry ice cream and despises mint chocolate.
Third, Taehyung looks even prettier when he smiles.
Fourth, it hurts to say goodbye when you don't know if you're ever going to see someone again.
Fifth, Jungkook might be gay.
-
Next summer his hair colour is different and Jungkook almost didn't recognise him. But the camera lens reflects the light of the sun and Jungkook is blinded not only by that but also by the bright smile Taehyung shows him.
It hits him that Taehyung remembers him.
"Did you come for a swim? Or for ice cream?" Now-blonde Taehyung asks, curious.
The two of them are sitting at the waterline, feet cooling in the water while the sand is warm under their hands.
"I just came to see the ocean", Jungkook says and it's only half a lie. "I like it."
"Mm."
"You must too since you're coming to take pictures of it", Jungkook comments, but Taehyung shakes his head.
"Not really..."
"Then why? What are the photos for?"
"I'd rather not-"
"Some project?"
"Jungkook, listen, it's not something I-"
"Is it work-related?"
"It isn't your business! Okay?!"
The sunlight is still gently dancing on the waves that wash over his feet. The sand is still warm under him but the feeling in his heart is ugly and heavy when Taehyung gets up and leaves.
Jungkook's heart breaks every time he finds the beach empty. For ten days he's been coming to the beach without seeing Taehyung and he's scared of never seeing him again. Of having hurt Taehyung so badly he won't ever be forgiven. Of not even having a chance to apologise for his curiosity.
On the eleventh day Jungkook stays home. On the twelfth he goes to visit his grandparents. On the thirteenth day Jimin drags him to the beach.
The weather is bad and Jungkook doubts it's even a good idea to go see the ocean on such a day. The dark clouds are a tell-tale sign of an oncoming rain, maybe even a storm. But Jimin is stubborn for some reason and that's how Jungkook finds himself face to face with Taehyung again.
Taehyung is standing at the edge of the water again, but the image is vastly different from the first time Jungkook saw him. The sun is playing hide and seek in the nearing storm clouds and the waves are a lot higher. The sea looks like it could swallow Taehyung at any moment and Jungkook wants to save him before it happens. Taehyung looks oddly...small.
"Taehyung!"
Jungkook turns to Jimin with face full of surprise. Is this is why Jimin insisted on going to the beach? How did he know Taehyung was going to be there?
"Jimin..."
"I'll explain later, now go talk to him", Jimin says in what was meant to be a whisper but was too loud to be one.
Jimin pats his shoulder when passing by and Jungkook sighs.
Other than the strong wind and the sound of waves crashing on the shore, it's silent between them. Jungkook knows this is his best chance to make things right.
Breathe in, breathe out.
"Sorry Jungkook."
"I'm sorry."
Both of them speak at the same time, heads turning to face another pair of widened eyes. For a moment they stare, but soon they let out a laugh of relief.
"Why are you even apologising? I was the one prying when I shouldn't have", Jungkook said, serious.
"While that is true, I didn't need to be so harsh. Not when there isn't a lot of time... I was stupid for not coming here for so many days, avoiding you."
"Ah...did you perhaps see Jimin and ask him to bring me here?"
For the first time, Taehyung looks shy.
"Yeah, I saw him yesterday and recognised him. I have what they call photographic memory."
"Oh. Cool."
"I guess."
The following silence is awkward but at least they have apologised. Soon Jungkook feels raindrops on his skin, the rain finally falling.
"We should both head home before it really starts pouring", Jungkook says and stands up. He helps Taehyung up too.
"Wait! I still have to take some photos..."
"It's pretty clear that a storm is coming soon, you shouldn't stay here", Jungkook protests.
"Just a few, okay?" Taehyung asks and Jungkook thinks about it.
"Okay but I'm staying here to make sure you do leave after", he states and Taehyung only nods, hastily getting his camera ready.
Taehyung takes maybe four or five pictures of the dark sea and the gloomy clouds while the rain gets heavier. The first strike of lightning flashes on the horizon and Jungkook has to yell over the sound of thunder to Taehyung. They really have to go.
The rain keeps getting heavier and the two boys end up seeking momentary shelter in a convenience store. It just so happens that they're both hungry and the ramen section of the shop looks really tempting. As they eat peacefully, as if the storm outside doesn't exist, Jungkook keeps thinking. There are barely any thoughts that don't have anything to do with the boy sitting in front of him.
"Taehyung."
"Yeah?"
"Could I maybe see some of the photos you took? It's okay if you don't want to show me though."
Taehyung eats a little bit more of his cup of ramen before answering.
"It's fine. Wait a second."
Taehyung gives the camera to Jungkook. It's single-lens reflex camera, SLR, from Canon.
Just from the first photos he sees -the ones taken only minutes before at the beach- Jungkook can tell Taehyung is talented. He's in awe, going through the gallery of ocean pictures. He didn't know how it was possible, but every single photo was different. The location was the same in each but there was always some factor that made each picture unique. He's about to compliment Taehyung but freezes at the next picture he sees.
It's not from the beach anymore. Instead of the ocean, there is a young girl. A beautiful girl with long dark hair, smiling at the camera. It takes Jungkook a moment to notice how tight his grip on the camera is.
Breathe in, breathe out.
"Who is this?"
Taehyung leans over the small table to look. His eyes soften and a small smile appears on his lips.
"That's Haein. Actually, the ocean pictures-"
Jungkook knows what Taehyung is going to say, he knows, and he doesn't want to hear it. He looks away and what he sees feels like a miracle.
"Look, the rain stopped! For now at least. We should go", Jungkook hurriedly eats rest of his ramen, drinks the broth and gets up.
"Jungkook, wait! I haven't finished-"
"I should already be home anyway, I'm sorry but I gotta go. See you later, Taehyung!"
He feels bad for leaving Taehyung like that but he just couldn't bear to hear it. His heart was shattering with just the thought.
Jungkook can't fall asleep. He can't sleep and it's all because of some stupid crush. He was having a crush on someone who didn't even like boys. Or maybe did but liked girls too and one girl in particular. Taehyung was here to take pictures of the ocean for that girl.
It wasn't even the only thing that bothered Jungkook tonight. He kept recalling what Taehyung said at the beach when they were apologising to each other. Words that made Jungkook want to get over his crush as quickly as possible so he could enjoy rest of the summer with Taehyung.
'There isn't a lot of time.'
The more you want the time to stop, the faster it runs. No matter what, you can't catch it. Merciless, like the ocean waves beating the shore endlessly.
It's the last day. Taehyung stays in town only for the summers and he has to catch the next train. Jimin is there to see him off too and Jungkook hopes his face doesn't show how down he feels. He doesn't want Jimin to tease him about it now. He hasn't even told him he likes boys yet.
Taehyung's smile is wistful as he waves.
"See you both next summer!"
"See you!" Jungkook and Jimin echo.
And just like that, another summer has passed by and Jungkook thinks Taehyung took all the sun's warmth with him when he left.
-
Jungkook's in his first year of university. He had to move in a bigger city for his studies but once the summer break starts in July, he returns to the sea.
His steps are light and his whistle gets lost in the wind, sand hot under his bare feet.
He had had almost a whole year to get over Taehyung. He had also been busy with the university, not having too much time to worry about some summer crush. But when he sees the now brown-haired boy with a camera, it's like all of that was a dream he has now woken up from.
Taehyung's smile is a lovely reality.
"When did you come back here?" Jungkook asks. Taehyung is treating him to ice cream; 'as long as you don't order mint choco'.
"Just three days ago. I was beginning to think you forgot about me", Taehyung says and although it's said as a joke, Jungkook is quick to respond.
"No way! I wouldn't forget you! We're friends, aren't we?"
There has to be something strange mixed in his ice cream cause the words taste a bit bitter in Jungkook's mouth.
"Yeah, we are."
Next day they hang out with Jimin, three of them wandering around the town and lying on the sand. They stay there to watch the sun set, and Taehyung shows them that day's pictures before they have to leave.
Jungkook thinks Jimin knows. But Jimin doesn't say anything, just hugs him and says goodnight with an encouraging smile.
It's the seventh day of Jungkook's summer break. He wants to enjoy his time to the fullest but he can't help counting the days. As if preparing for the farewells would make it any easier.
As usual, they're sitting side by side on the beach, observing the ocean. Today it's calm and beautiful blue.
"Can I try taking a picture?" Jungkook asks in a sudden impulse.
"Sure."
Taehyung gives the camera to Jungkook who faces it towards the ocean. He pretends to be searching for a good angle before quickly turning and taking a picture of unsuspecting Taehyung.
"Hey!"
"I never said I was going to photograph the ocean", Jungkook laughs.
"You could have at least warned me", Taehyung complains and pouts.
The feelings he's been trying to suppress are returning. He buried them in the ground but a sprout is pushing through the mud.
"Would you let me take a photo of you if I asked?"
"Why not? It's my camera anyway", Taehyung notes.
"...you're right. I should bring my own camera next time."
"You want to keep my photo?" Taehyung wonders, endearment in his eyes.
Jungkook can feel his face heating up and it's not from the glaring sun.
"I mean...we are friends and...who knows, I might forget what you look like in the future", Jungkook blabbers, embarrassed.
Taehyung laughs and despite the embarrassment, Jungkook thinks it's cute.
"Forget about bringing a camera, I can just have the photo developed and give it to you. Maybe Jimin can take one of us both", Taehyung suggests.
The sprout grows into a flower.
"I think it will be nice to have photos of something else than just the ocean to bring back from this trip", Taehyung hums.
And the flower blooms.
Everything has to come to an end. The more beautiful something is, the easier it breaks.
It's the last day. Actually Jungkook was supposed to leave the day before, but he changed his mind, not wanting to miss a second that he could be spending with Taehyung.
They are on the platform, waiting for Taehyung's train. Jungkook gets lost in his thoughts, swimming in the sea of them until the waves bring him to the shore of a certain memory. It was a conversation they had had a day before.
"Why do you like the sea? What does it look like to you?" Taehyung asks.
"Let me think... There are many things I like about it. The sound of the waves, the smell of salt water, how the wind feels on my skin. It stays in place but looks different in different days. Sometimes it's calm, sometimes there is a storm. It's like the sea has feelings, like it's alive. It's beautiful."
And Jungkook leaves out how he thinks Taehyung is a little like the sea too. How he's changing his hair colour every year, how his eyes are so bright yet full of longing. How he relaxes around Taehyung but how there's a storm inside his heart.
"I think I'm starting to understand", Taehyung muses and Jungkook's heart flutters.
Jungkook had also left out the obvious answer: 'It brought you to me.'
Taehyung's voice brings him out of the water.
"That's my train... Are you listening?"
"Ah, sorry. Have a safe trip back."
"You too. I'll see you again", Taehyung says and for a moment Jungkook thinks he's opening his arms for a hug. But Taehyung puts his hands in his pockets instead.
"See you."
When Jungkook goes home to pack last of his stuff, he comes across the photo Jimin took of him and Taehyung. They're on the beach, smiling to the camera with the ocean behind them. Jungkook's heart hurts.
-
After another year has gone by and Jungkook returns to the coast, Taehyung isn't there yet. Jungkook waits. Jimin comes along and they both wait.
A week.
Two weeks.
On the fifteenth day Jungkook stays on the beach to watch the sunset and realises Taehyung isn't coming this summer. It barely feels like a summer at all and Jungkook feels empty, looking at the vast ocean.
He comes up with two scenarios. First is that something prevented Taehyung from coming this time. The second is that Taehyung just did not want to come at all and probably never will again. Part of Jungkook wants to believe in the first scenario but it also worries him. What could have happened? Is Taehyung okay?
Jungkook doesn't know Taehyung's telephone number or his address. He has no way of contacting the other.
'Why was I too much of a coward to ask how to contact him?'
He still goes to the beach every day despite knowing Taehyung won't be there. He'd rather gift his tears to the ocean than wet his pillow.
When Jungkook returns to his old room at his parents' house after the sunset, he searches his bag and takes out the photo of him and Taehyung. The loneliness is becoming too much.
'Where are you? I hope you are doing well. I miss you.'
As his train leaves a few days later, he wishes he forgot his feelings there in the sand instead of packing them. The luggage feels heavy with them.
-
Jungkook has had a busy year and the summer break feels heaven-sent. Last summer may have broken his heart, but he still finds himself missing the ocean. And he also has to visit his parents so. He's back.
The air is so much clearer than in the city and as his feet meet the sand, he feels like he's breathing properly for the first time in a year. This is where he belongs, no matter how much it hurts.
This time Jungkook brought a camera with him. He doesn't own one but he borrowed his father's.
Jungkook spends an hour trying to take photos but he doesn't quite like any of them. They're not nearly as good as Taehyung's but maybe it's a matter of practice. Or how Taehyung sees the ocean in a different way.
"Picked up a new hobby?"
Jungkook startles. He knows who said it despite their voice being deeper than he remembered it.
Breathe in, breathe out.
He turns around to face him and almost drops the camera.
Taehyung looks different. He's taller, face less round and his hair is back to natural black. What strikes Jungkook the most, however, are his eyes. Taehyung's eyes aren't shining anymore, the light in them lost. When he smiles and greets Jungkook, he looks sad.
"Are you enjoying it? Photography?" Taehyung asks. Jungkook can barely speak.
"I... No, I don't know. It isn't going well. They're not like your photos", he mumbles, looking at the ground because looking at Taehyung's sad eyes is too much.
"Like my photos..." Taehyung echoes and looks past Jungkook at the sea.
Right then and there Jungkook notices it. For the first time ever since meeting Taehyung, he doesn't see the boy's camera with him.
"You...you don't take them anymore?" Jungkook asks and there is a lump in his throat because that means... It means so many things that Jungkook can't process right now.
"No. Not anymore."
Jungkook takes Taehyung to a nearby park after the smell of salt water starts feeling too unpleasant for the both of them.
In the shadow of a tall tree, Taehyung looks smaller. Like a flower that had potential to grow taller but didn't get enough sunlight because other plants were in the way.
It's peaceful, only a gentle wind playing with the leaves and birds singing in the trees.
Jungkook doesn't know what to say, where to start. There is too much he wants to ask and tell Taehyung. He waits for the older to break the silence. Taehyung takes a deep breath and starts talking with a small voice.
"I'm sorry for not coming last summer. Or rather, I'm sorry for not finding a way to contact you and tell you why I couldn't come."
Why didn't you? Jungkook's heart screams.
"It's okay... I had thought about exchanging numbers yet I never brought it up. I'm hopeless", he laughs, humourless.
"Don't blame yourself, Jungkook", Taehyung says and his tone is serious, stern even.
"The reason I didn't come here was something neither of us could have helped."
"...why did you come here now? Since you're not here to take pictures."
There was a small spark of hope in him, small but capable of setting fire to his whole world.
"I came to see the ocean at least once more", Taehyung answers and the light dims until-
"And you. I wanted to see you", he adds.
The spark turns into a small flame, like a candle's.
It's silent again and Jungkook wants to ask what happened but he already knows it has something to do with Haein. Taehyung was taking the photos for her. Did they break up? Or... Jungkook gulps. How can he ask?
"I know you're thinking about it", Taehyung comments. His voice is soft. "I will tell you. I was actually about to tell you before but you didn't let me. About Haein."
Jungkook braces himself.
Breathe in, breathe out.
"Please tell me."
"Haein, she...she was lovely. But the world is unfair and that's why she had to live in the hospital. She was terminally ill."
Taehyung looks like he's holding back tears and Jungkook can feel tears forming behind his own eyes too at the implication of 'was'.
"She loved the ocean but couldn't go see it. That's why...that's why I came here, where our uncle lives to take photos for her."
"W-wait. You said 'our' uncle?"
"Yeah? My and Haein's. She's my little sister."
Oh my god. I'm so stupid, why did I assume...
"I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'm sorry for everything that happened", Jungkook says and takes Taehyung's hand, holds it with both of his hands.
"You couldn't have known, I didn't tell you anything. I didn't want to talk about it", Taehyung admits, now facing Jungkook.
"I understand. I wouldn't tell a stranger I just happened to meet at a beach either", Jungkook smiles a little.
"You're not a stranger Jungkook. You said it yourself, we're friends."
Jungkook looks down at their hands and lets go of Taehyung's.
"True... About Haein... You stopped taking photos because she..."
"Yes, she died."
Jungkook looks up at Taehyung, sees on his face how he's fighting to keep the tears away. Damn it all, Jungkook decides and when he suddenly hugs the other tightly, Taehyung finally breaks. He cries, sobs, and a tear travels down Jungkook's cheek as well.
By the time Taehyung has calmed down completely, it's already dark. A lamppost next to the bench illuminates their faces, and Jungkook gathers his courage for what he's about to ask next.
"It's been a long time since we last saw each other. How's a sleepover sound?"
Jungkook introduces Taehyung to his parents as a friend from university because neither of them is in the mood for explaining the actual story. They have dinner with them and the boys wash the dishes together after. Jungkook takes Taehyung upstairs where his room is but asks the older to wait behind the door. He just wants to put away that photograph Jimin took of them. He isn't ready to confess his feelings yet. Maybe never.
"Can I come in?" Taehyung asks.
"Yes!"
Taehyung looks little shy as he steps in and looks around. There isn't a lot to say about Jungkook's old room except for the band posters decorating the walls.
"It's, um. Nice."
Jungkook laughs, genuinely this time because he's just not used to Taehyung being the awkward one.
"It's messy. But I don't really feel like changing anything, it's like a physical memory or something", Jungkook says and Taehyung nods.
"Can I borrow some pajamas?"
Jungkook tried to offer Taehyung his bed but the older insisted on the floor being just fine. It's just that Jungkook knows the mattress for guests isn't used a lot and is therefore not as soft as his is. Maybe they could share-
No. Jungkook is not about to suggest sleeping on the same bed. He has already been brave enough today.
"Good night, Jungkook."
"Good night, Taehyung."
It takes longer than usual to fall asleep. Just as the ship is nearing the shores of dreamland, he hears Taehyung speak in his sleep. He turns on his side and maybe he shouldn't listen but...
"I won't be gone for long, wait for me." A pause. "I'll come back with more photos."
Taehyung is restless in his sleep, turning and moving his hands and legs. Jungkook thinks it might be a nightmare.
"Haein, what are you doing here?" Another pause. "No, don't go!" Taehyung starts screaming and Jungkook quickly gets off the bed and shakes him awake.
"Taehyung, wake up! It's a nightmare."
Taehyung's eyes open and his voice is rough from sleep.
"Jungkook?"
"Yeah, I'm here. Are you okay?"
It takes a while for Taehyung to recognise his surroundings and gather his thoughts. Jungkook waits patiently, sitting next to him.
"I had that dream again..."
"Again?"
"I see it every now and then. Haein is there, on her hospital bed and I tell her I'm going to leave for some time to take photos for her. But then when I get to the ocean, she's there. She's there and the sea swallows her and she's drowning and I can't do anything-"
"Breathe, Taehyung, breathe."
Jungkook takes deep breaths and Taehyung breathes along with him.
Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.
"Thank you", Taehyung says and Jungkook can see not only how grateful but also how tired he is.
"Don't mention it. I can't imagine what it must be like for you."
"Now that I'm here, I kind of regret I didn't come last year. I could have gotten comforted by you instead of crying alone in my room", Taehyung huffs and Jungkook smiles a little.
"I get why you chose not to. It would have been hard to see the ocean."
"Yeah."
Jungkook doesn't know when and how he fell asleep. All he knows is that when he opens his eyes, Taehyung's face is right in front of his. He's lying next to him on the mattress. Jungkook blushes but doesn't move. He doesn't want to wake the older.
Taehyung looks good even when he sleeps. When Jungkook had seen him for the first time, he had thought the boy was cute and pretty but while he still is those things, he has grown to be very handsome. So undeniably handsome. It makes butterflies fly in his stomach. He wonders what he looks like to Taehyung. If Taehyung even likes boys.
Before Jungkook can sink any deeper into his thoughts, Taehyung opens his eyes. The little light that gets to the room through the curtain dances in those eyes, and in the back of his mind Jungkook realises it's not just a long-time crush. He's hopelessly in love with this young man.
"Good morning, Jungkookie."
"Good morning", he responds a breath later, head now stuck on that 'Jungkookie'.
As they eat breakfast, Taehyung announces he wants to go to the beach. Jungkook isn't sure if that is a good idea but he doesn't have the heart to say no to him. Maybe it will do them good to go.
And there he finds himself once more. The beach. Waves of blue. Golden sun. Warm summer day. And that familiar figure that he doesn't dare to get closer to. A scene so clear and beautiful yet so, so fragile.
What would happen if Jungkook closed the distance? What would happen if he confessed? Would it ruin their friendship forever? Would Taehyung hate him? Or would he accept his feelings? Was the risk worth it?
Jungkook raises the camera and angles it so that Taehyung's side profile is visible. His hair is moving in the wind, his face glowing in the sunlight. The ocean looks beautiful and they both belong in the picture, complement each other.
He presses the shutter and knows it is the best picture he has ever taken.
Taehyung turns after hearing the sound and smiles widely, in a way Jungkook has never seem him smile before. It's beautiful and endearing and that is when Jungkook knows, this person is worth every risk.
No more breathing in, breathing out. His heart beats, uncontrollable smile upturning his lips.
"Taehyung?"
"What is it?"
"I love you. I love you so much."
-
It's a beautiful summer day and the water sparkles in the sunlight. Jungkook loves the view, never gets tired of it even when he has already lived two whole years in this house. They had a house built on a hill with an ocean view and although it was rather expensive, they both agreed it was worth every cent.
Jungkook is currently sitting by the kitchen table, breakfast ready and waiting for another diner. It doesn't take long for the said person to appear on the doorway, hair messy and eyes barely open. Jungkook still thinks he looks gorgeous.
"Morning, Jungkookie", he says, sleep clinging to his deep voice.
"Good morning Tae", Jungkook smiles. Taehyung smiles too and no matter how much he loves the ocean, this is the view he loves the most.
Taehyung sits down and Jungkook leans over to kiss the corner of his lips. What Taehyung asks next is already becoming a habit and Jungkook doesn't mind it at all.
"What does the ocean look like to you today?"
- The end -
I wish that you would love me
Don’t ever let go of this hand like yesterday
And every time my heart beats,
step to my heartbeat so you never get lost and wander again.
-Heartbeat by BTS