Work Text:
A discussion between anonymous bots in one of Cybetron's seedier commpubs.
commpub (n.) The Cybertronian equivalent of a public house, where patrons plug into a private (normally anonymous) network to converse about various topics that might otherwise go unsaid. Considerable quantities of high grade are generally consumed in the process.
So the consort finally got sparked up.
Ten to one that it's not actually the Emperor's.
Did you guys hear the news?!
The consort is with sparkling!
Slowpede aren't you?
The discussion is currently on the true identity of the sire.
True identity? That's ridiculous.
We'll find out at its emergence, won't we?
>implying the guards will let us see the real thing
>implying there is a real thing
Congratulations to the Emperor and Empress!! I'm sooo looking forward to seeing the initial picts!
>implying there would be a public broadcast without the real thing
Maybe the Emperor is sterile?
Nah, if anyone in the equation has a problem, it'd be the Prime.
Aren't Primes supposed to be super fertile?
>Empress
Getting ahead of yourself there, Autobot.
No, I'm pretty sure Primes are supposed to be chaste.
I heard the Matrix resets the factory seals.
Is it true that you can only get a sparkling after breaking the seal?
Woah woah woah sparklings aren't allowed in commpubs!
Pffheheheh, tell that to my carrier. Already on his second set and Primus knows I didn't break his seal.
The fact is that there hasn't been a proper Prime in so long, only the older bots would know what the Matrix actually does to them.
The next round is on me, mechs and femmes! For Emperor Megatron and Consort Optimus!
(+10 credits)
>Consort
Take it from somebot in the know, it's only a matter of time before he's promoted to Empress.
Sweet, thank you.
Free high grade, nice.
About damn time the credits flowed south.
>Empress
Stop talking slag, autobot filth.
>Empress
Is there still free high grade going around?
Can anyone refer to me to a bookie that'll place bets on the build of the sparkling?
Believe me, Emperor Megatron is definitely going to make the Prime Empress. There's no one else remotely suited for the position.
You've had too much high grade, my mech.
Bad enough that he made an Autobot Consort, but he's going to make that scrap heap Empress?
Over my dead chassis.
Re: bookie
Have you tried Swindle? He takes a big cut, but the payouts are legit.
There doesn't need to be an Empress, though.
This insider information reminds me of the conspiracy that a sparkling had already been born.
Can I get a refill on my glass?
I heard there was a round of free high grade, is it still going?
Yeah, all this "insider information" is a load of scrap.
You Autobots just need to get it into your processors that your beloved Prime is the Emperor's personal spikesleeve. And now that he's all swollen and sparked up, he'll probably be upgraded to incubator DDD.
>free high grade
Sorry, botty, I'm all out of credits.
Empress is just a fancy term for incubator, you know?
Sorry, one refill, coming right up.
Frag you con. You're just jealous no one in your faction caught the Emperor's eye. And now it's pretty obvious a bot who's at least half Autobot is going to be heir to the throne. HAHAHA.
Is anyone else getting revved up at the thought of the Prime taking the Emperor's spike?
Awww did I hurt the widdle Autobot's feelings? Wanna run back to your buybot of a Prime to cry about it?
HE'S NOT A FRAGGING BUYBOT HAVE SOME RESPECT.
You're gonna be eating your own tailpipe when the announcement for Empress comes out.
How the hell are there so many Autobots in the commpub?!
Don't have to be all Autobots. Some cons have sympathies with 'em.
>announcement for Empress
So never?
You'd think with all the cameras in the palace there would've been a leak or two by now, eh?
Fan status: whirring.
Alright, in honour of the occasion and on behalf of the kindness of the mech who bought the last round of high grade, here's some storytime. Full disclosure, I was one of the cleaning staff at DM, but I was let go. Well, just read on.
Yay storytime!
I heard there was free high grade?
You're telling me. I tried hacking into the main systems once, but that fragger Soundwave has a grip like the Unmaker.
Storytime storytime!
Fan status: still whirring.
How big are your ball bearings to try to hack into Soundwave's systems? DDD
Alright alright I'll buy the next round. For Emperor Megatron and his emminent heir!
Hear hear!
More free high grade? Well, if you insist...
Storytime?
>was
So you were let go? Without deactivation?
I heard everyone employed in the palace was under strict secrecy protocols.
Yeah but maybe the high grade loosened up his tongue? Live a little, will ya?
Another round of high grade? Sweet.
May the Light of Prime shine upon the Imperial Couple!
The Unmaker can have my glossa if Prime ends up as Consort, and I'm saying that AS an Autobot.
Sorry for the delay, this high grade is really strong. Anyways, so I was one of the cleaning bots in the palace, assigned to the East Wing. For those of you in the know, the central archives are over there. Well it just so happens that the Consort used to be an archivist back in the day so he spends a LOT of time in the East Wing.
Pits above. You didn't.
DDDD. What the frag mech.
By the light of Primus... are you implying you fragged the consort?!
This is obviously some mech's fantasy.
You better pray your processor is properly sanitised. If the DJD get ahold of your serial number you're in for a hell of a surprise.
Aw man, did the party already start? I just got off work and wanted to see what the OOOOOO commpub thought of things.
AND ANOTHER ROUND OF FREE HIGH GRADE!!!
Woo, free high grade!
I can't believe I'm actually passing up high grade.
Fans status: whirring harder.
Pls respond. I need to read the rest of this fantasy.
So is the insider this time pretending to be the sparkling's real sire?
Anyone else find it weird that Autobots don't like the Prime?
Autobots love their Prime, they just hate the Emperor. DDD
Ungrateful protoforms, all of them.
>all these bots thinking I seduced the Consort
Full disclosure: I tried. But I failed pretty bad. Anyways, this story is just for the bots that wanted the scoop on how they interface. Like I was saying, I spent a lot of time in the East Wing and kind of got to know Prime. I mean, not really, because all the staff, from the cleaners to the builders to the administrators were told to minimise their engagements with him as much as possible.
So basically you weren't allowed to talk to him or even look at him?
DDD romance of the ages right there.
If this is true the Emperor is even more of a pit-spawned glitch than I thought.
Implying anyone ever says anything true in a commpub.
Can someone please purge this place of sparklings? Please??
Anymore free high grade?
Interface fantasy? I'm down.
As some of you have surmised, I wasn't allowed to interact with the Consort in any way. But he was still aware of my presence. He'd leave energon goodies for the cleaning crew and sometimes read poetry as we cleaned. Little thoughtful things like that. Now I can't say for certain because nothing was ever said, but I'd hazard a guess that even this little interaction annoyed the Emperor.
DUN DUN DUNNNN
DDD
DDDDD
Okay okay you have my attention. Pls keep posting.
For the love of Primus, can someone get the sparklings OUT?!
So not only is the Emperor literally impotent but he's also figuratively so? Good to know.
I call scrapheap on this recount.
Guys I just went to Swindle's but all of the betting is centred around the identity of the sparkling's sire, what gives?
Continuing: so one day I'll called out from the rest of the cleaning cohort. Into the Imperial Suite. It's a long-aft walk and I'm 90% certain I'm going to be executed. But the guards at the door show me in and I stumble through, pretty much dripping coolant the whole way, and who do I see but the pair in question? I couldn't believe my optics, but I swear to Primus, it was the two of them and someone, I'd put all my credits on the Emperor, had arranged for me to see 'em like that.
The details you stupid worker drone, the details.
Yeah I'll take things that never happened for 200 credits, Steve.
Trust the bookie's my friend.
DDD this story just gets dumber and dumber.
Well to be fair the storyteller's processor is probably all fogged up thanks to the high grade.
Primus, I'm so glad there's no more bots running in to ask for high grade.
Cooling fans: spinning.
See them like what?
Continued: I'll confess that among the servants too, there's talk you know? I mean, there's always talk. But everyone figured, between the terms of the peace treaty and the slave code, that the Emperor would be fragging the Prime into the berth each time, hard enough to snap his plating even. But it wasn't like that. It wasn't like that at all.
Continued: He was lying down, on his back, stroking the Prime's aft and legs. I couldn't see the Prime's face cause of the angle, but he was definitely on top. And I don't mean spiking the Emperor, I mean he was the one TAKING the Emperor's spike. It was... I mean, Vector Sigma, it was really slow. I heard him overload twice before the Emperor.
DDDDD
YOU WILL CEASE YOUR LURID RECOUNTING THIS INSTANT.
>Prime
>on top
DDD
Wanna ask me how I know this is Autobot propaganda?
I'd definitely stroke those aft and legs too.
Only twice?
No... more... high grade...
Scrap, the DJD are making their rounds. Hurry it up will you, or it's lights out for all of us!
I thought you said this place had a license?
DJD? For real?
MORE MORE MORE.
Continued: Prime overloaded twice, I think the Emperor overloaded once, not really sure since he never really jerked or anything. He just kept his grip on Prime's aft. Anyways, afterwards the Emperor lifted Prime off of his spike and turned him to face me. And then he opened a private comms link and commanded me to ignore all future gestures of goodwill from the Consort.
DDDD
DJDJDJDDJD
For the love of Primus...
Don't care if fake would overload to again.
Is that all?
Continued: I was basically full-out leaking at that point. So I said yes. I don't know how the Emperor got wind of my plans... or if he knew them at all. But in any case, the only reason I'm still online is because the Prime intervened on my behalf and
And?
DDD this is such a let-down.
Pls continue.
Scrap, the DJD are here!
Tarn wiped the Energon from his blade before opening a comm line with Soundwave.
"Soundwave, this is Tarn," he muttered, "The loose end has been taken care of."
The head of communications played his lord and Master's voice back to him. "Return to base immediately."
"Understood." Tarn ex-vented hard before taking to the skies, making a quick detour at Swindle's to place a bet before returning to the fortress proper.
Unlike the pretenders, he had no doubts as to the sparkling's true parentage.