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Brooke and Vanessa's relationship wasn't always so perfect. They had a lot of things to figure out when they first got together. Vanessa was Brooke's first real girlfriend, her first adult relationship, and although she loved her, Brooke sometimes felt like Vanessa was overbearing.
"I love you." Brooke said it before she could stop herself.
Vanessa paused, "what?"
"I-uh-" Brooke sighs, "Vanessa, I love you. I didn't know how to tell you or whether I should tell you yet, or what you would say when I did tell you and I-"
Brooke is cut off by Vanessa's lips on hers. She pulls back seconds later.
"I love you too, B. I love you so much."
Brooke did not regret telling Vanessa how she felt. She definitely did feel this way about her girlfriend. She loved her so much she didn't know what to do. This was so new to her. Vanessa was the first person she could see herself having a future with. But soon after she said I love you , things started to change for her. It was little things at first- the way her hair was all over Brooke's things, the way she chewed her gum- but then it became bigger things. It was the way she sang the wrong words to songs, it was the loud tone of her voice. It didn't stop there. Soon, every time Vanessa touched her, Brooke had to fight the urge to pull away. Every time Vanessa puckered her lips, silently asking for a kiss, Brooke had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. She hated that she felt like this and she knew that breaking it off would absolutely break Vanessa, but she just couldn't keep it going. It wasn't fair.
It was a Sunday afternoon in January, just after the new year . The sun was shining, giving the illusion of warmth even though the air was bitter cold. They sat in the dorm in silence. The air was thick with tension and it made Vanessa uneasy.
"Brookie, why don't we have date night next weekend?" Vanessa thought it would help if they had something to look forward to.
She felt that maybe the gloomy mood was because of the new semester.
But Brooke didn't answer her. Instead she bit her lip, searching for her words.
"Brooke Lynn?"
"Vanessa, I- I'm sorry."
"What do you mean?" Vanessa asked, even though she knew.
She felt her heart rate speed up.
"I can't do this anymore." Brooke said, quietly, "us. I just can't do it. I'm sorry. I think we want different things."
Vanessa waited for her to say just kidding and then she was going to yell at her for making a horrible joke, but it never came.
"But...I love you."
"I know you do."
I know you do, not I love you too.
"You know I- bitch I thought you fuckin loved me too!"
There it was, the feeling of a sob in her throat waiting to escape
"I thought I did too."
No, Vanessa told herself, you ain't gonna cry. Not here in front of her.
She couldn't believe it. She thought she would marry Brooke some day, thought they'd have a future with a family. She felt so dumb.
She had to get out of there, so she silently stands and grabs her bag. She walks towards the door and looks back at Brooke.
"If you got any of my things, you can fuckin keep 'em. I don't want nothin from you."
And she was gone. It was over.
Brooke felt like shit. She hurt someone who had done nothing but care for her unconditionally in the previous months. She teetered on feeling guilty and feeling fine for days. She hadn’t seen or heard from Vanessa, but she knew from the way that Nina talked, the other girl wasn’t doing well.
“A’keria said that Vanessa hasn’t left her dorm in a week.” Nina said during breakfast one morning.
Brooke shot her a look.
“Sorry,” Nina muttered.
Brooke knew she wasn’t trying to be malicious and make her feel bad, but she did feel bad. She missed Vanessa. She missed her more than she ever thought she would, but she had hurt her and she would understand if the other girl never forgave her.
Vanessa knew she was being dramatic. She couldn’t help that she just felt so broken. She didn’t want to get out of bed and she really didn’t want to eat. The thought of food made her nauseous.
"V, you can't spend the rest of your life in bed." Silky would say everyday before leaving for breakfast.
And everyday, Vanessa would shrug and turn over. She knew she couldn't, but it was a safer option right now.
"At least go take a shower?" Silky tried to hide the humor in her voice.
Vanessa bit her lip, stifling a giggle. She supposed a shower wouldn't hurt.
So she got up and got her things together to head to the shower room. She was halfway there when the door to Nina and A'keria's dorm opened. Vanessa's stomach dropped and she wanted to puke. Outwalked Brooke, Nina and A'keria. Vanessa figured they were meeting Silky for breakfast. She said good morning to Nina and A'keria but avoided Brooke's gaze at all costs.
Brooke couldn't blame her.
Seeming to have forgotten where she was headed, Vanessa turned around and headed back to her dorm.
Shit. Her shower. She didn't want to go back into the hall, what if they were still there? She knew they wouldn't be, but it's best to just give them time to walk away.
Vanessa went to her closet again to see if she had any other clothes to put on. Maybe she would try to be productive today. But when she looked through her closet, her entire mood changed. Right in front of her was Brooke's favorite soft, grey hoodie. Her eyes fill with tears as she remembers wearing it the last time. She was snuggled into Brooke's side while the blonde played with her curls.
"You can't keep that hoodie." Brooke laughed.
"Hmm...watch me, blondie." Vanessa said, sleepily, "you'll have to cut it off me. It's mine forever."
"Ok fine. But only because you look so cute."
Brooke smiled and kissed the top of her head.
The good days; before things fell apart.
Vanessa grabbed the jacket. It still smells like her. She wanted to burn it, but she also wanted to put it on and never take it off. So she wrapped up in it and laid back in bed.
The shower can wait….
Seeing Vanessa shouldn't affect her like this, Brooke knows that. But she saw the pain in the smaller girl's eyes, the pale tint to her skin, and the dark circles under her eyes let Brooke know that she hasn't slept properly in who knows how long.
Her chest filled with regret and guilt. She never thought she would miss Vanessa so much and she knows she made a mistake. There's an emptiness in her chest where a small loudmouth Puerto Rican used to reside. She had to figure out how to get her back.
It was the day before classes started again and Brooke was cleaning her side of the dorm. There were sweaters and t-shirts stuffed under her bed and she vowed not to let it get this bad again. Brooke thought she was done but something caught her eye. A soft burgundy sweater was hanging down from between the bed and the wall. It wasn't hers, but she instantly knew who's sweater it was. It was the sweater she wore the day they decorated for Christmas. Memories of that day come flooding back. Brooke pushed them away and looked back to the sweater. It was her favorite and Brooke knew that she probably misses it. Now she was stuck with the decision of whether to call Vanessa or not.
She settles for texting.
B: hey V. I found something of yours.
Brooke attached a photo of the sweater and she gets an almost instant reply.
V: omg I've been lookin for that!
V: thanks
V: you can send it wit Kiki if ya want
Brooke's heart sinks. Of course she doesn't want to see me.
B: uh, I was hoping we could meet up and talk
V : talk bout what
Brooke hesitates.
B: I miss you
Vanessa doesn't reply right away and Brooke waits a few before she texts again.
B: I know I don't deserve to. I know I hurt you. But I can do better, I can be better. Please consider meeting up with me.
V: meet me at the Cafe in 15.
Brooke jumps off her bed, gabs the sweater, and pulls on her boots and jacket. She makes it to the cafe in record time- 6 minutes to spare. Vanessa was late but Brooke didn't expect anything else. She wanted to pull the smaller girl into a hug but didn't want to overwhelm her.
"Want to go inside?" Brooke asked after seeing Vanessa shake off a cold chill.
Vanessa nods and Brooke opens the door for her. They bypass ordering and head straight for a table. It's silent for a moment until Brooke speaks up.
"You look good."
Vanessa smirks, "no I don't, Mary. I look like shit. You ain't gotta lie to me."
"Nah you don't look like shit, but you do look tired."
"Yeah, I am." Vanessa looked down and back to Brooke, "why we here?"
"This is where you told me to meet you." Brooke cocks her head to the side.
"No, I know that, blondie. I mean, why did you wanna talk?"
"I miss you, V, and I'm sorry for doing what I did. But I'd love to work things out and have a relationship again. I was scared and didn't know how to process things."
"How do I know you ain't gonna pull the same shit again?"
"Because I love you and I'll come to you if I get anxious again."
Vanessa thinks for a moment. She misses Brooke more than she ever thought she would, and she would be lying if she said that she didn't love her.
"Okay…" she said, slowly, "but I swear on all that is holy Brooke Lynn Hytes," Brooke flinched at the use of her full name, "that's it, you will be D-O-N-E! Understand?"
Vanessa's face softened and Brooke smiled.
She nodded, "yes baby."
Vanessa grinned and puckered her lips, asking silently for a kiss, which Brooke happily gave her.
"So," Brooke said, eyes gleaming with the happiness she's been wanting for weeks, "you're wearing my jacket, huh?"