Chapter Text
"I'm going to make the choice. Give up on your dream and die. Lead those new recruits straight into Hell. I will kill the Beast Titan."
"Thank you, Levi."
The last thing Erwin remembers laying his eyes upon was the sight of his own blood spilling into the air, falling off the back of his faithful steed, the blow from the massive projectile piercing directly through his stomach.
He couldn't feel a thing, his whole body numb- the adrenaline rush aiding him, but who knew how long that would last. His sight was the next thing to fail him, the world now a blur of vague shapes and colors, unable to even identify the clouds in the sky. He tumbled against the dead grass, the screams of his comrades were all that he could sense.
The echos of battle cries roared in his ears; they were louder than any roar of thunder, dedicating their bleeding hearts as they ride to their eminent deaths, making use of the of their final moments. No heavenly choir could even compare. Each one died down as the boulders kept flying, eventually it came to a point where there was nothing left. Not a single peep. Just the residuals of wind.
Everyone had to be dead.
Those poor souls... Erwin doomed them to this path, just like the Devil himself, sending sinners straight into Hell.
It was the cruelest thing anybody could have done, sending those young bright soldiers to give their lives for humanity- falling into the conman's trick. A putrid lie just for the slightest hope of victory. No titan could ever compare to the atrocities Erwin Smith has committed, even in his dying moments.
As the seconds rolled by, slowly the Commander began to feel the pain of his injuries crawl through every nerve of his body, but amounting hundred times worse as the guilt bubbled through his veins. He prayed that Levi had pulled over on his end of the bargain, killing the Beast was all that mattered, and maybe all those deaths would mean something. He trusted that Levi could. There was nobody he knew more capable of it.
It was guaranteed to be the one gamble he could win. It had to be... He just needed this one victory...
The last thing he thought before losing entire consciousness was an apology. He hoped that one day that he'd never be forgiven for the bloodshed that was caused. He knew he would never be remembered as a hero, and that he would never be painted as such even by those closest to him.
He knew he deserved it. He smiled against the grass, a gentle twitch of his lips, looking at the vague blur of his bloody hand before closing his eyes- he's finally done it. His soul will be the last piece of himself to truly repay those who died under his command.
For a moment it was like time and space never existed at all, not even a concept as the dark abyss swallowed Erwin whole. The kiss of darkness oddly comforting, there was no panic beating in his chest. Then he opened his eyes, and witnessed his father before him, sat in a classroom, a child once more. His father stared at him expectantly, and it took Erwin a moment to realize he was raising his hand. He nearly had forgotten his question.
Well this was embarrassing.
"Excuse me?" Erwin asked, his voice injected with childlike wonder and innocent youth, the ingredients for blissful ignorance, "but how do we know that there aren't any other humans beyond the walls?"
His father continued his glare... In fact, so did the rest of the class. Everyone preyed their eyes on to him, boring into his flesh, glaring at him as if he were the one to kill their loved ones with his own bare hands.
"F-Father...? Why are you...?"
His father had disappeared with a mere blink, replaced now with a familiar looking blonde girl no older than 16. The Female Titan, Annie Leonhart...
Why was she here?
Her dead eyes watched him carefully much like everyone else in the classroom. She almost seemed judgemental, arms crossed and leaning against the chalkboard behind her. Strands of straw blonde hair covered over her face, and for once in his life, Erwin couldn't decipher what her cold expression meant.
Erwin felt physically sick seeing her there, a rush of not only disgust - but guilt as well. He nervously turned around to avoid all of those piercing eyes, but was only greeted with the familiar face of one he'd called his true enemy. The Colossal Titan, tears in his eyes, kept it's glare. The screams of his comrades returned- this time louder than before, crying out Erwin's name like a curse. Erwin wanted to scream, the attempt coiled around his throat, suffocating him.
This was his Hell. The punishment from the ghosts who died at his own hand. He was tempted to cower, but instead he braced it, the brewing storm getting worse as images of unimaginable amounts of death flashed before him. For a moment, he felt as if half of those burdens weren't his... And yet, they were. He carried them now.
After a few rapid heartbeats, Erwin suddenly found himself enveloped in an inky black liquid, unable to breathe, the panic quickly overtaking him as he choked in the thick vastness of nothing. As he reached out into the hopeless bleak darkness, his fingers grazed over something that felt like fabric, and upon contact he yanked whatever it was towards him...
The face before him is one of Bertholdt Hoover's, a permanent look of pain and regret frozen on his youthful face, eyes closed as if he was too terrified to face the truth before him. Erwin has grabbed hold onto the lapels of his uniform, seething with newfound rage- this wasn't the Survey Corps uniform... No, this was M-
Then he opened his eyes.
His eyelids fluttered open only slightly, the sunlight beamed through his blonde lashes, successfully blinding him with it's rays. Where was he?
He felt... Fine. Weak, but overall, fine.
He inhaled a shallow breath of air through his nose, noticing the lingering taste of iron as he unclenched his jaw, and he lazily turned his head to face the direction of... Levi? He made no comment, simply in utter disbelief.
It was far too peaceful for this to be the realm of the living- no... Erwin was never religious, but there was no doubt that this had to be the afterlife he always used to hear about. His scathed raven-haired angel has come to greet him and take him in, a heavenly glow surrounding him as he kneeled beside the Commander, highlighting his gorgeous and powerful presence. Erwin's heartbeat fluttered, because of course Levi would be the one- but what did this mean? Does that mean he was...
It didn't take long for Levi to notice he was awake.
"Erwin?" Levi uttered.
His voice dripped heavily with exhaustion, but the hints of relief was noticeable with the simple whisper of his name, those sharp gray eyes glaring back at him with a gentleness Erwin knew was a rarity. In a blink, the idea of this being Heaven fizzled away, and he was almost disappointed.
The Commander wordlessly stared in return, trying to decipher his situation, thick brows knit with confusion. He took in Levi's appearance, scathed with scratches littering any place with exposed skin, his uniform covered in dirt and grime, hair slick with sweat as it stuck to his forehead. Judging from the lack of steaming Titan blood, it's been a while since the final charge... Within that time, what the hell happened?
Erwin just knew he must be so uncomfortable being this dirty.
He wanted to ask Levi if he was alright more than anything, other than the thousands of questions spiraling in his mind, but his throat ran dry. His attempt at a voice was simply the crackle of a breath caught in his throat.
"Levi..." It was hardly a first word, frail, Erwin himself has never heard his voice this soft before. The epitome of vulnerability, his weakness prominent for the first time, no filter to cover up. Levi watched intently, careful eyes glittering as they widened in response. That's when Erwin noticed the pressure in his right arm, a ginger touch to his wrist, Levi's two fingers placed against the vein. His heartbeat was like a tempo against his fingers.
The arm that Erwin had lost was now returned, with flesh and blood, apart of him once again. That's when it began to dawn on him, and judging by Levi's expression, Levi noticed that he realized as well.
"You're-"
"Oh! Commander Erwin is awake?" That's when Hange spoke, and his eyes opened fully as he awoke, truly cementing that he was alive and in the real world. The Squad Leader was quick to get to the Commander's side, wobbling slightly as they tried to keep their balance, kneeling directly opposite from Levi. "Are you conscious enough to understand me?"
Erwin was quick to notice the bandage over their left eye, soaked in blood that he knew that was their own. Their face expressed just how much pain they were in, their single eye revealing something deeper than it being merely physical. It didn't stop them from showing a sheepish gentle smile, greeting Erwin with a tender touch to his cheek. The simple contact felt sensitive, much like from his wrist- now disappeared when Hange arrived. Erwin slowly nodded, enough to respond to their question.
"Good... Welcome back," they said, scanning over his bare skin for any traces of scars or wounds, the only prominent one Erwin could spot on himself was the one over his abdomen- wrapped in old bandages, drenched in blood. It was strange, but only for the fact he felt no physical discomfort.
Hange's calloused fingers then began picking at the bloody bandage wrapped over his abdomen, wanting to peek into the wrapping. The fabric was sticking to his skin, the dried blood acting as a haphazard adhesive, making a slight sucking sound as it peels off. Steam fizzes from where the wound was supposed to remain, the final moments from his charge flashing in brutal contorted images; all the horrors of death and destruction running through his mind.
Everything clicked in all at once. Erwin grimaces, and attempts to sit up, a sense of dread washing over him as his mind ran rampant, but Hange was quick to refuse it. Forcing him to lie on his back, Hange used their palm against his chest to slowly shove the commander to a safer position, Levi holding onto his shoulder to keep him stable. It surprisingly worked, Erwin too weak to bother.
It was overwhelming to admit, but it took no longer than a few seconds before he pieced everything together in his head, the only possible thing to make sense to him. Levi had to have used the titan serum on him.
"Erwin?" His name was called again, this time Hange said it, their expression held in constant mourning, their smile flickering away. They shared a quick glance with Levi, a silent conversation. Where were they going to go next from this?
"I guess you already know what's happened to you, huh," Hange eventually said, their voice lacking the usual energy Erwin would expect from them, something somber taking it's place, "you're smart enough to know what's going on... Must be a lot to take in."
Hange huffed, leaning back to sit properly, crossing their legs slowly as their hips creaked from the position change. Their gaze fixated on Levi sternly as if they were egging the Captain on, not taking any form of responsibility for the conversation that was about to take place. Levi looked back down at Erwin as he accepted it, his hands moving to rest upon his lap, and he spoke up again.
"I guess you deserve some sort of explanation," Levi inhaled sharply before continuing to drone on dryly, "After the charge, the one of the last surviving recruits had found you half dead on the battle field. He happened to reach me just in time before you bled go death. We managed to take down the Colossal Titan, and I decided to inject you with the serum and feed you Bertholdt."
It was almost as if Levi said it all in one breath, even with his pauses, a shuddering exhale escaped past once he finished, as if finally putting down a heavy weight.
That... was a lot to process, he wasn't sure how to digest it all now that his suspicions were confirmed. Erwin made no comment, and his expression fell to a neutral one despite his inner turmoil, and respected Levi's decision. Erwin trusted Levi could make one, and now that he did, there was no going back.
What sort of twisted fate was this, to now bare such a responsibility? The new inheritor of the Colossal Titan? He was so close to death... This has to be Hell.
"There was a... Complication..." Levi continued, as if this situation could get any worse. "During the same time, Eren's friend Armin had been burned alive by the Colossal Titan's hot steam, and his sacrifice is the reason why we managed to gain Bertholdt in the first place... But Eren and I had a dispute over who should get the injection."
Levi took a moment to close his eyes, coming to terms as he tried to control his breathing. Hange kept their stare on him, urging him to continue. Levi did. "I inevitably made my decision without any further influence, but..."
"Eren Jaeger is no longer willing to work with us," Hange concluded, "not to the extent that he's become a traitor, yet, but we had to restrain and arrest him for his aggression and interference. We had no other choice."
Levi looked down at his hands, mindlessly picking at the dried blood underneath his fingernails, his raven hair covering his face. Erwin felt sick to his stomach, the urge to regurgitate was filling him up from his gut. Luckily he managed to hold it down, keeping his stone-cold glare unwavering, his skin beginning to dangerously pale.
Before Hange could address it, in the distance, the sky flashed with lighting. It cut through the tension as if it were butter, Levi and Hange now directing their attention towards the crackle of thunder following after.
Levi was already on his feet faster than Erwin could lift his torso up, his eyes concentrated as a bead of sweat rolled down his neck, already unsheathing his dual swords. The surrounding soldiers were also on edge, and Erwin quickly realized just how little of the Survey Corps there was left. Even less when it came to those being active, Erwin could only count four others standing.
Hange was then following suit in a matter of seconds, on their feet- but lacking any blades, having run out.
But it didn't even matter, because the lighting struck again, the clouds in the sky turning heavy and gray with rain, the thunder rumbling once again. A thunderstorm... Not a Titan Shifter. The realization quickly dawned on Hange, and they began to chuckle, quickly falling into laughter. Levi's head snapped to look back at the laughing maniac, begrudgingly putting away his blades before collapsing onto his exhausted knees once more, and after a few seconds Hange finished up their giggle fest.
Even though the situation was rough, it was nice to hear Hange laugh. A nice levity to cut through the dreary tension.
"You can never be too careful, huh Levi?" Hange mused, and straightened up their posture, knocking on the side of their gas canisters to check just how much they had left. Half-way through. Hange stretched their arms up towards the sky and yawned, speaking up again, "I'm gonna go ahead and pack everything up before it starts to pour. I'll go tell Floch to go scout us a place to relocate, Levi you just stay with Erwin in the meantime. I'll be right back."
Once Hange left to take charge, only Erwin and Levi remained, amongst the other unconscious and wounded soldiers with them. Erwin sat up with ease the moment he realized he was allowed to, holding up his right arm and began to softly tremble. He watched as his hand shook, feeling the lingering heat of Levi's previous touch against his wrist, sensitive to the mere whipping breeze against his bare skin.
"Erwin... You need to drink water," Levi whispered, and Erwin could hear the faint jiggling of liquid sloshing in a metal canister, the cap unscrewing and opening with a deep pop. "I brought some."
He was told to give up his dream and die, and now that he has already done that- only to remain alive... What now? He couldn't find the courage to look Levi in the eye, focused on his trembling hand- a new form of guilt and shame rising in his chest once again. He couldn't stop remembering everything, right down to his own heartbeat. The screams. The blood.
"Erwin," Levi repeated a little louder, hopeful to draw in the Commander's attention, tugged with some slight desperation. It felt as if all Levi has said has been his name this whole time. Erwin still refused to look at him. "You're dehydrated. You need to drink."
There was a silence, only the gentle breeze to pick up.
"Did... Did you do it?" Erwin asked, all Levi could do was stare back at him wide-eyed, "did you kill the Beast Titan? Did all those lives that were lost mean something?"
That question felt like it mattered more than any answer he would find in the basement in that moment. He shuddered.
His voice nearly trembled, his eyes suddenly glaring into Levi with intensity once he built up confidence, electric blue looking desperate and hopeful at the same time. A break of his usual composed character, his mind hanging on to that sliver that maybe for once something went right. Humanity's victory, for the first time, mattered more than his selfish curiosity.
Levi never responded. That silence was enough of a response. Failure.
"I see."
It was all Erwin could muster. He could never blame Levi for this. Now was not the time to be ridiculing anybody on what choices they've made- besides Erwin was the last person who should. It would be hypocritical.
"I made a promise to you, Erwin," Levi urged, his brows formed into stressed arches, his grip on the canister tightening, "I said I was going to do it, and I will. I won't let you down, I refuse to."
His choice of wording made it very clear to Erwin what Levi's true intentions were. This wasn't just a case of tactical advantage, Levi's choice to allow Erwin to live was one out of selfishness. A desperate attempt, costing the life of a true hero- one with a brilliant mind at that. Erwin recognized Armin's talent, and if he would have gotten the serum there would have been a blank slate and a perfect leader. A better person to bare the Colossal Titan.
Erwin should have been the one to endure the burden of choice in the end, he should have died with it- and yet there was Levi, shouldering the pain with him. Why did he let him do that?
Erwin sighed heavily, closing his new hand into a tight fist, his trembling ceasing. In the end, Erwin understood why Levi chose him over Armin... But after everything, Erwin had a sudden realization. He was wrong to assume Levi was any angel at all. No, Levi was a demon- crawled straight out of hell, just like him.
It might have been unfair to hold the man to such a high regard after every thing they've been through, maybe such a standard of heroism as being Humanity's Strongest could be demeaning when it all came down to it. Levi had his weaknesses, and Erwin happened to be one of them. At this rate, Erwin only wished he could have died out there, so that there wouldn't be a choice to make to begin with...
Hell, maybe if he hasn't gotten so close to Levi in the first place...
There was no point in regret now. This only made their objective much clearer- they needed to find Reiner and the Beast Titan, and they needed to end this once and for all. Then would they have time to grieve and feel vulnerable, he knew his responsibilities, and there was still an eminent threat out there. They needed to keep fighting- if not only for those who died for him, but for those who lived as well. It was the least he could do.
He grabbed the water canister Levi has handed to him, forcing the refreshing liquid down his throat, any sickness he had was drowned down into the bottom of his stomach. Once he swallowed as much as he could, he shut the now-empty canister and handed it back to Levi. It was still uncomfortable to process that his arm had returned, he had gotten so used to it not being there, it felt useless to have it back.
"How are you feeling?" Levi asked, his voice now prominently deadpanned. Erwin huffed a small laugh through his nose. What an interesting question.
"Fantastic," he lied, an obvious one, making no attempt to smile or joke but it still came off as sarcastic. "What about you?"
Levi shut his mouth, bottom lip trembling, those sharp gray eyes looking at Erwin with so much to say. Erwin has never seen Levi this emotional about anything before. The most he's ever gotten has been anger, maybe the occasional embarrassment, and tears only once.
"I'm glad you're here," he said eventually, the edges of his eyes crinkling, the blunt honesty was too painful. Erwin stopped looking at him again. Reminded of Armin. He couldn't imagine the dispute that took place that got them to this moment. "At least now... You can fulfill your dream."
"The basement..." Erwin muttered, the croak from before remained. For whatever reason, the thought of the basement never crossed his mind up until this point. Why now? It felt so out of place... The one thing that mattered most to him, finding the truth, now felt like the least important thing to him in this moment.
'After all, I've already died for it', Erwin wanted to say.
"We can't go to the basement yet," Erwin says instead, putting on his usual commanding mask, using his facade of a strong and level-headed soldier to hide how vulnerable and miserable he felt. Levi was quick to notice, his soft expression hardening, much to his distaste.
"Huh?"
Erwin made an effort to get to his feet, removing the Survey Corp cape draped over his lap, dismissing any aid that would have been provided. That's when he felt his back ache in complaint- dull pain running down his spine as he straightened out as if he'd been hunched over for weeks, still not fully recovered even with his new healing factor, but he refused to acknowledge it. He refused to stay in place doing nothing, it made him antsy. He needed to at least walk around, take everything in, have a moment to process with some clarity.
He could already hear Hange scolding him in the distance, and they quickly rushed over to try and stop him. He refused to comply, though. He soaked in the feeling of the sun against his bare skin, embracing the heat as he felt more alive then ever. Every breath that left his body from now on was dedicated to the Scouts that have lost their lives. He'll breathe his last breath when he's run out of soldiers to breathe for, but not until then- he refuse to die.
"Hey- what the hell are you doing? You can't, we don't know if you're still injured or-"
"I'm fine. I'm not in any pain. I just need to take a walk," Erwin cut Hange off, glaring sternly at them as he proved his point, holding out his new arm for them to see. Still didn't dismiss the fact he was still lying. Hange watched for a moment before nodding in defeat.
"Okay... But you can't leave alone," Hange ordered, and thunder crackled again, but Erwin never reacted despite just how much he wanted to. "Take Levi with you if you want to stretch your legs. Don't do anything too brash."
It's not as if Erwin wanted to go alone in the first place, even though he knew he'd probably provide the worst conversation... Levi didn't deserve that.
"Levi, would you be willing to join with me? We have much to discuss." It sounded more like a command than a suggestion, far too professional after the vulnerability. It was still purely to Levi's choice whether he'd join him or not.
"Of course, for all I know you'll lose balance and fall off the wall in your condition," Levi retorted, his jaw clenching, his words playful but his voice strict, "just give me a moment, you need your clothes."
The sickness Erwin felt had returned, being treated this way was not what he wanted. He didn't deserve this hospitality, Levi shouldn't be so kind to such a monster. He watched as Levi limped away, trying hard to hide it. The soft wind gently blowing had become a foil to what he was feeling inside. He already felt helpless enough despite feeling alive, a dull pain throbbing in his spine. Witnessing the wounded remaining soldiers was even more painful, only seeing two bodies remaining. It took a lot to keep composure, his glare hard as steel.
Not too far from them was Eren Jaeger,
his mouth gagged and surely tied up from what Erwin could tell- taking every precaution to avoid him from shifting. He was sleeping with his face pressed against the rough rock of Wall Maria, a Survey Corp cape draped over him, dried tear stains marking his cheeks. The Ackerman girl, Mikasa, was sat beside him; her hand placed against his back, rubbing soothing circles as she buried her face into the red muffler she always wore.
Erwin was tempted to confront them for a moment, just to apologize... But apologize for what? For being alive? Erwin didn't choose this fate, he'd much rather be dead when it all came down to it... But there was no time for regrets, and Levi made his choice... But he still felt partial to blame for it.
When Levi returned from digging through the supply chest, he handed the Commander a white dress shirt, holding onto the cape as he awaited for Erwin to slip his clothes back on. He slipped on the shirt he was provided, the sweat forming on his back slightly soaking the white fabric. He found it easier to do his buttons now, having his two hands back after all.
Erwin was unexpectedly reminded of a fond memory involving Levi; around the time he had first lost his arm. It was the second day he had stayed in the infirmary, and he had needed to change his clothes due to his previous ones being covered in blood. The nurses never bothered to dress him, so he took the initiative for himself.
He remembered was struggling with the buttons as he endured intense phantom pains- all due to lacking his dominant hand, and Levi had offered to help him. It was a tender moment, even if it was something as simple as buttoning up a shirt- meaning so much to Erwin. It truly cemented the fact that Levi cared for him, and he wished they had more moments like that together to outweigh the destruction and bloodshed they constantly endured.
The memory put an attempt of a smile on Erwin's lips, mouth twitching as he was then handed the pine green cape. He momentarily stared at the wings of freedom stitched into the back, and like an ice water bath- the momentary good feeling was gone; reality only persisted. He came to realize that all the side stuff was unimportant when it all came down to the bigger picture, that the future of humanity mattered more than the meager future he longed for. He swung the cape over his shoulders, his responsibilities returning to his mind.
They walked further till nothing but the brewing storm that could be heard, leaving the two alone with their privacy.
"You're hurt," Erwin finally said, still noting the slight limp in Levi's step. He's known the Captain long enough in his life to know his look of pain when he expressed it. He was more stoic than usual, eyes slightly squinting, movements stiff and robotic, brows knit as if he were pissed off, his lips pressed in a tight line to avoid any accidental whimpering. Erwin knew the issue would never be addressed unless he made a comment about it; the Captain can be hardheaded at times. "I can see you limping."
Levi made no attempt to answer immediately, looking off into the distance as the muscles in his neck and jaw visibly tensed, the wind swaying his hair.
"What did you mean by we can't go to the basement yet...?" Levi said, avoiding. "That was your life long dream."
Erwin only stopped in his tracks the moment Levi spoke up. He could feel the venom in his tone piercing like a scorpion strike, the change in demeanor in Levi coming unexpectedly. He turned to face the Captain, stone-faced and indifferent, acting as if it didn't affect him, when it really did. Erwin had two choices here: he could either blow this off, or he could be honest. The honest truth was, Erwin didn't know how to handle this. After everything, he was finally here... But his own selfishness sickened him.
He shouldn't be allowed to 'want' anything, not after all the heartache he's caused. He felt partial to blame even for a death he took no part in, Armin's final moments, being burned alive... He remembered it as if he killed Armin himself.
It was all internally conflicting.
"We need to find a safe place to secure any of the soldiers we may have left," Erwin rejected any form of vulnerability, deflecting his honesty, acting as if it was just him being level-headed, "once everyone is safe, and that we can be sure Reiner and The Beast Titan are no longer an eminent threat, we can talk about the future."
"Oh, cut the bullshit," Levi nearly raised his voice, his desperation masked in frustration, Erwin never flinched, "quit it with the professional shit. You're acting like the Commander, not like Erwin Smith."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Levi glared, his frown more prominent, smokey jewel eyes flickering into Erwin's. He says nothing.
"if you think there is anything more, you're mistaken." It hurt Erwin to say, directing damage mostly to himself rather than to find a way to distance Levi.
He then walked towards the edge of the wall towards the outside world, looking over the terrain he was last a pure-blooded human, watching the destruction left behind by the Beast... It was a sea of crimson and the remains of what used to be buildings, boulders and corpses residing beside each other. Erwin's expression faltered to a grim one.
He falls silent for a moment, and he takes it to reassess himself before becoming too emotional.
"Considering the conditions of our troop and the shortage of our supplies, it would be the smartest decision to just rest now and leave first thing in the morning tomorrow," Erwin mutters, the mask of the perfect Commander cracking, "we reclaimed the wall, we accomplished our primary mission... But was this truly a victory?"
Erwin turned back to Levi, the wind now howling as thunder crackled once again. He didn't expect a response. The clouds were beginning to form heavily overhead, covering up the beaming sun.
"I'm just worried you're already giving up on yourself," Levi uttered, hiding his hands underneath his cape. Hurt. "We can't make this all be for nothing."
He knew Levi meant something else by this. He wasn't talking about sacrifice here, he was talking about Erwin and bringing him back to life. He was trying to reconcile for the choice he made, as if it weren't a decision made entirely based on Levi's heart rather than mind.
Erwin huffs heavily, looking off into the distance once again, and his right hand begins to tremble as he relives the memory all over again in his head. The last sensations he felt before being brought to the brink of death.
"I can't leave until I make all this sacrifice matter." Erwin's voice wavered between words, he's never been this broken around another person before. Usually he's more controlled. "I'm not giving up; we need to keep moving forward... I just, need a moment to take all of this in. If I'm quite honest, I'm not even sure how to come to terms with all this. It's all happened so fast, and now that it's here... Just give me a chance, okay?"
Levi's breath shuddered, crossing his arms over his chest as he shifted his weight between the balls of his feet, nodding in acceptance.
"Okay." He said, and repeated himself to cement it, "Okay..."
Erwin took steps forward towards the Captain, now only a few feet apart, looking down at the man. For a second there, he was nearly tempted to hug Levi, but he refused the desire- he knew Levi liked his space. Erwin placed his right hand on Levi's shoulder instead, he could feel the muscle tense at the ginger touch, but he didn't pull away. It was some form of affection, a way to apologize for everything through a simple touch, he didn't know how else to deliver it genuinely.
"Thank you, Levi," Erwin said, finding no difficulty in admitting it, "I... I know I said it before, but I wanted to say it again. Thank you." It was an attempt to be light-hearted, even if it was intentionally short lived.
"I'm sorry," Levi said, dry and plain, it almost felt sarcastic- but Erwin knew he meant it. "I'm sorry I told you to die. I never wanted you to die."
A hefty exhale escaped past his nose, the tension in his muscles relaxed underneath his hand- Levi letting go of his hostility as he leaned into the touch.
"You had to."
"I know..."
"So don't regret it," Erwin mumbled, and he pulled back to look at the small base they left the Scouts behind- pretending he wasn't as emotional as he appeared just to spare Levi, it was already becoming too difficult to see nothing but pain in his eyes. Levi doesn't cry, but whatever he was going through internally definitely warranted it, and Erwin wondered just how hard it must be to keep it all in for him of all people. "There's no point."
The wind began to pick up speeds, the wings of freedom flapping on flag poles and capes, the clouds in the sky growing heavier as the rays of the sun disappeared behind them. The atmosphere grew darker, and a gentle rumble was heard in the far distance. It tasted of humidity, it was bound to rain eventually, Erwin noted.
"We need to get back," Levi said, taking Erwin's hand into his own for a second, holding it and squeezing before inevitably letting go. Erwin missed their contact already. "We left Hange all alone back there..."
"You think they'd let me put on Maneuver Gear like this?" Erwin cheekily asked, and Levi made an noise of amusement, shifting his leg position again.
"I seriously doubt it," Levi says, "though I suppose nobody is your boss, so do whatever the hell you want. I can't stop you."
"You underestimate the power you have over me," Erwin's voice gets softer, and Levi catches it, breathing hitched in the back of his throat. It wasn't a lie, he thought he'd already made that obvious when he was willing to die for him. Together they walk back to their temporary base in gentle silence, the first droplets of rain beginning to fall, the storm blooming awake in the sky.
To Be Continued...