Chapter Text
Loving Sunghoon is like loving an ocean wave; you think you knew the tide's exact time for highs and lows, but really, not.
One moment you can watch it peacefully dancing over the surface, light reflecting beautifully over the body of water like little white diamonds scattered around -- glinting, shimmering, stunning. Sunoo can't help but get mesmerized and lets himself get lost in its magnificent charm and elegance.
But it can also be very dangerous if one isn't careful enough. The next moment it can turn into a tidal wave -- frightening, can cause great loss of life if huge enough to pull you far from the safety of the seashore and submerged you; relentless and mercilessly.
Too bad, he has let himself go with the flow. Thinking the water was stagnant enough to not let him stray too far from the ground. Now, his feet had been too elevated off the seabed and it's just a matter of time before he completely drowns and stops breathing.
He's running out of time. And perhaps, it's also too late for someone to save him now that he couldn't save himself.
Sunoo thinks it’s all the alcohol that is talking. Or so he’d like to think.
All those nights ago fighting and shouting the same argument back and forth to each other, throwing hurtful words that they wouldn’t be able to take back after the sunrise; words that ended up with Sunoo silently crying himself to sleep, palms pressed to his mouth to suppress his sobs that wracks his body, curled up into a ball in a desperate attempt to shield himself from the rest of the world.
He wished it was all a dream; a bad, bad dream. But he always wakes up to the same red puffy eyes, dark circles and cheeks blotchy red. It wasn’t a dream; never a dream.
While Sunghoon -- who’s likely unaware of his situation -- was passed out cold on the other side of the bedroom door, probably having the best sleep with his mouth open in soft snores as he unconsciously tries to find the most comfortable position their couch can offer.
It’s been a long time since the last time they slept together on the same bed.
Still, Sunoo likes to delude himself into the idea that it’s only the alcohol that is talking and his husband didn’t mean any of it. Sunghoon has been nothing but good and doting since the very beginning of their relationship, and Sunoo still believes that his husband will wake up one day and remember that.
But 5 years was a very long time, enough time for someone to change – for feelings to change.
It started when they both are too tired from work to even eat dinner together; one will bail food in favor of sleep and rest. One of them will wake up earlier than the other and leave the house, with no good morning and goodbye kisses on the lips or cheeks. One of them will cancel scheduled weekend dates to finish some work.
Their fights also started to be more frequent; from one of them forgetting to buy grocery stocks to one forgetting to pay the bills. From one not doing house chores to forgetting their anniversaries.
It was a vicious cycle that ended up with one of them crying their eyes out and one storming out the house to cool themselves down.
And tonight… tonight wasn’t an exemption.
Their toxic traits started to unleash and became a pattern; then a habit that turned into a routine. They started to slowly drift apart from each other and none of them noticed until it was too late to pull each other back to where they belong.
So perhaps, it’s really just Sunghoon – and he did mean every single thing he has said about Sunoo and their crumbling relationship.
It’s hard to even think that there might be the smallest possibility that Sunghoon drinks himself to insanity just so he can find the courage to tell Sunoo how he truly feels. It hurts to think that there might be no other way to salvage their falling and failing marriage now.
For the past 6 months, Sunoo had been in denial; holding onto their happy memories and wedding vows that hold their promises to spend the rest of their lives together, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do they part.
But looking at his sober husband now, not a single drop of alcohol in his system, sitting across from him with elbows propped against his knees and eyes staring at the wedding band he’s toying with his fingers – maybe, it’s really the end for them; and no memories or promises can delay the inevitable ending they have always known would come, one way or another.
And that day is today.
Sunoo wrings his cold fingers on his lap, glassy eyes glancing at his husband. The ring on his finger feels heavy, weighing everything down, including his emotions and sending his heart to his toes.
He has never felt what they call cold feet. But this feeling in his chest now, maybe, it is what they meant.
“You’re a smart person, Sunoo,” Sunghoon starts in a cold tone that sounds really familiar by now, rough and raw against his ears. He doesn’t even call Sunoo terms of endearment anymore, nor look up to face him properly. But the latter forces himself to stare at his husband, if only to engrave all the curves of Sunghoon’s face to his memory for the last time. “I think you know what we have to talk about.”
Sunoo sucks in a long, shaky breath. He feels his heart squeeze in his chest, making it harder to breathe. Of course, he knows. Anyone with working eyes could clearly see their end is coming, fast approaching like a bullet train ready to crash his whole being.
His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows, thick and painful, trying to push down a sob threatening to spill out of his mouth. “Yes,” he nods his head, temple throbbing and voice cracking. “I understand.”
With this, Sunghoon finally looks up to meet his eyes for the first time that night. And Sunoo feels the immediate burning at the back of his own eyes, the first drop of hot tears wetting his cheeks like an open dam without his permission. He stares back at those dark brown orbs that once looked at him with so much adoration, shining with love and life. But tonight, Sunoo can't see any of that. It's as if he's staring back at a stranger whose life he's never been part of.
It hurts, so much.
"I'm sorry," is all he heard from his husband before the wedding band makes a clunking noise against their glass center table in between them. Sunoo feels his body shudder not from the cold, folding his arms over his chest, hands squeezing his own skin if only to hold some leverage of sanity, swollen eyes fixed on the lone silver ring that once held all their promises together.
"Is this really our ending?" he whispers into the cold night, small and broken but it somehow echoes loudly against his own ears, overpowering the thundering of his broken heart.
"We can't keep hurting each other," Sunghoon finally answers after a long stretch of pin-drop silence; voice steady and gaze unwavering. "We can't keep going like this or we'll end up completely ruining each other beyond repair."
Why does he sound so calm about this as if he had been thinking of this all along? As if he had rehearsed the words over and over until it tastes so familiar it bleeds in his mouth? Why does it feel like it's only Sunoo that is hurting? Is he the only one affected? Is he the only one who wants what they had to be saved? Is this what Sunghoon had been wanting for so long?
The remaining spark of light in Sunoo's eyes completely dims as a forlorn smile curls up at the corners of his lips, heart dropping faster than his darkening face.
Maybe, this is really what Sunghoon had been wanting for so long. Maybe, he finally got tired waiting for Sunoo to bring it up first because he knew he's foolish enough to hold on for as long as he could until his bones gave out. Because he knew he's dumb enough to stay even if he's loudly unwanted. Because he knew Sunoo was a coward who wouldn't take the first step to end things between them so now Sunghoon takes the matter in his own hands.
When Sunoo looks back up at his soon to be ex-husband, he caught him already looking at him, eyes void with emotion, knuckles white over his knees.
There's no point in trying because Sunoo knows he has already completely drowned under Sunghoon's unforgiving tidal wave.
"Can I ask you one thing before we officially end things here?" Sunghoon didn't answer but Sunoo doesn't have any intention to wait for one either so he continues after exhaling slowly, throat closing up and eyes empty. "Let's fall in love for the last time, Sunghoon hyung."