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Sirius Black tried to tell himself that he was a coward. They tried to insist that they weren’t brave enough to be a Gryffindor; that it was just some strange fluke. He tried to tell himself that if he tried hard enough then house wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter that he wasn’t a Slytherin and he would manage to fit back into his family like nothing was wrong. He had been trying and failing for five years. It was impossible to hide how little he fit in; how he was wild and untameable. Sirius didn’t fit the mold his family expected of him. Not like Regulus did. They were very much the black sheep of the family. Well, black dog more accurately.
Things were tense with his family and Sirius would never be foolish enough to ignore it. He could not change his father’s looks of disapproval or his mother’s disgust, or even the way Regulus had drifted away from him. It had been that summer that they gave up pretending to be a coward. They hung the Gryffindor banners up around their room proudly. He got photos and magazines from the muggle world and just made it everything his family despised. It was their true form of rebellion; of just...stopping trying to pretend to be someone else. Of course, it hadn’t gone down well. It had been anything but. Every day leading up to his departure for Hogwarts seemed to be a screaming match with his mother as she went out of her way to be disappointed in him. She made sure that they would regret even the smallest steps out of line.
There was something about being at Hogwarts that made them feel as if they could just breathe . There was nothing holding him back; no real expectations other than occasionally attempting to follow the school rules. They had James, Peter, and Remus, and they were unstoppable . He was Padfoot. He was one of the greatest troublemakers Hogwarts would ever know as the quartet regularly schemed for ways to outdo Peeves. But most importantly; Sirius was happy. He had James who was much more like his brother than he was his friend. He had Peter who was quiet and reserved but thrived in the company of his friends. He had Remus who was just...Remus. There was no other possible way to describe him. There weren’t enough words for Sirius to properly articulate how they felt towards Remus (or perhaps he had just never bothered to learn them).
It was whilst at Hogwarts that their life at home fell apart. His high and mighty persona came crashing down. It had started when Regulus had shoved a letter into his hands as the two passed each other in the hallway. The only explanation offered was a simple, “It’s from mum.” Regulus didn’t offer them another word. He never would. Something about the words made his blood run cold. Of course, they had played it off as a joke; insisted to their friends that it was probably just another howler and that they’d open it later. Even if he knew deep down that it was definitely more than a howler. A howler wouldn’t be sent via Regulus. It would be sent to them directly; an attempt to humiliate them to everyone in the Great Hall. This...This was something else entirely.
Sirius skipped dinner to open the letter. He just claimed he wasn’t hungry and that he would just catch up with everyone else later. The truth was that their stomach felt like it was in knots, and the concept of eating just made them feel ill. So instead, Sirius headed towards the quidditch pitch. They would be alone there and there was something comforting about them. He could just hide away in the bleachers and deal with the letter alone. They weren’t entirely sure what they were expecting it to say but...it hadn’t been this.
Sirius,
Despite any insinuations as to otherwise, this letter is one of the easiest I have written in my life. Whilst a howler is deserved, this form of letter will give you a reminder of the permanence of the situation. I stand by this decision. As does the rest of the family. Our minds will not be swayed and our words remain final.
You have been abnormal since childhood and your sorting into Gryffindor has brought us nothing but shame for years. You are reckless and disgraceful. You are a selfish, pathetic child that thinks of no one but yourself. Your brother holds up the values of our family and you are nothing in comparison. You never will be. You associate yourself with filthy half-bloods and that Potter boy. The Potters were once a respectable family but he is proof that the respect is no longer deserved. I will not allow that same embarrassment to befall us. I will not let our family fall because of you.
As of your sixteenth birthday, you will be a Black in name alone. You will be formally annexed from the family and entirely disowned. The only reason we even allow you to keep the name is to avoid the scandal. After all, a rebellious teenager running away from him looks far worse for you than it does us. I do not care what you do next or where you go. You are no son of mine. You will never again be welcome in my home. Everything about you disgusts me.
Yours spitefully
Walburga Black
He read the letter once and then twice and then thrice. Over and over, his eyes skimmed across the words as he tried to register them. They knew their mother despised them but there had been a lingering bit of love there - she was their mother! He still begrudgingly cared for her, but the feeling was not even remotely reciprocated. His family didn’t want him. When term ended, Sirius was going to be utterly alone with no money, no family and no plan. They had never been gladder that they had opened the letter alone. Their friends didn’t deserve to see them break down like this. They could work something out. They- “Sirius?”
The sound of Remus’s voice made SIrius freeze up entirely. He must have followed them here or - Right. The map. He’d forgotten Remus was the one currently looking after it, and no one could hide from the map. Not even them. “Hey...What’s wrong?” As Remus sat beside them, Sirius didn’t push him away. Instead, they let their head rest against his shoulder. Because he was there and they weren’t alone. There was at least one person that willingly chose to be around him.
It was with a moment of hesitation that Sirius passed him the letter. “I don’t know what to do, Moony. I-I didn’t think…” His voice cracked entirely. They couldn’t watch as he read the letter. Instead, Sirius ducked their head down to try and hide their shame.
“Sirius.” He didn’t respond. “Sirius.” He stayed quiet once more as a pair of arms moved to wrap themselves tightly around him. “ Padfoot .” That was enough to make him look up; to make him meet Remus’s eyes. “You’re not alone. You’ll never have to deal with this alone.” There was a promise in his words that they didn’t dare try to argue with. “You’ll always have me, James, and Peter. We’ll always be there for you. Without question.”
Sirius let himself cling to Remus tightly, return the hug as tightly as they could manage. “I have no idea what to do now. I can’t just live here and I sure as hell can’t afford to loiter at an inn until term starts up again. I...I…” A sob choked itself from his lips as his tears grew worse. He hated feeling this weak and vulnerable. He hated just falling apart. But if Remus was bothered by it then he made no effort of saying so.
Remus moved one of his hands to try and wipe away their tears; to try and offer as much comfort as he possibly could. “James’s parents adore you, Pad. They’d both take you in without question. Actually, they’ll probably insist that they take you in when they find out. We both know Fleamont can be as stubborn as James when he sets his mind on something.” That at least managed to get some sort of a laugh out of them. “And failing that, Peter would practically plead to his parents to try and get you somewhere safe. You’ll never be alone. Not so long as all of us are still alive.”
Sirius just looked at him for a moment; just stared at him as he took in every word Remus said and the expressions that crossed his face. Because Remus Lupin was clever and logical and always knew when to say the right thing. He always knew how to comfort Sirius and make them feel safe. He always knew how to make them feel loved. “Thank you.” They had barely finished speaking before they pressed their lips to his; a tentative kiss that only grew as it was returned. And in that moment? His family and their views didn’t matter. All that mattered was Remus.
It was also then that Sirius realised his family was not made of blood. It was made by his friends and Remus Lupin. Their heart belong to Remus and his heart belonged to them in return. Because as long as they had each and their friends, how could either of them really feel alone?