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Shelby observes.
After everything that happened in Texas, all the rumors, the hurtful comments, and fear, she’s not the same. The spring in her step is gone, the colors muted. Once word got out about what happened between her and Becca, Shelby’s world exploded. She spent night after night in tears convincing her parents not to send her away. Shelby begged on her knees, screaming about how she’s not like that and how it was all Becca’s fault, really. She choked down the guilt in hopes that life wouldn’t change too much. The scandal would die down, and everyone would move on. Instead, her father moved them to Minnesota.
Shelby tried to convince him to wait, let her finish out the school year. He wouldn’t change his mind. She sought out help from her mother. He wouldn’t change his mind. Her younger siblings cried about leaving their friends. He wouldn’t change his mind. So they move in the middle of the semester to the middle of nowhere.
Upon starting at her new school, Shelby decides not to play up her bubbly personality. It took too much energy to be the same eternal optimist after everything that happened. That doesn’t mean she flies under the radar. The other students notice her; they expect her to be popular because she’s pretty. And she’s never rude; her parents ingrained politeness no matter the circumstances. Still, she keeps her head down.
Without the pressure to be some perfect prom queen at school, Shelby has more time to herself. She notices a lot more in the quiet. In some ways, her classmates seem like a TV show. Shelby finds herself noticing things before others do. She sees the way her classmates moon over each other. Shelby sees the longing stares, the private moments, and she can’t help the longing she feels to be part of them.
She also notices the basketball player—the girl who seems to have an eternal chip on her shoulder. Shelby watches and listens and learns the girl’s name. Toni Shalifoe. In private, Shelby tries the name out. Rolls it around on her tongue. She sees how Toni looks at the girl with the eyeliner and wonders what happened or will happen between them. Shelby forces the slight tug on her heart to the back of her mind and just watches.
Shelby smiles.
She hadn’t been trying to make friends. She’d been perfectly okay in her self-induced solitude. But Shelby won’t complain. They’d met in class, randomly paired for a history project. Martha is kind and good. And some of the colors start to return to Shelby’s world.
They meet outside of class to work but don’t accomplish much. Instead, they talk. They talk about family, culture, religion, music, celebrities, and anything else that comes to mind. Friendship with Martha is different. There’s no pressure of families knowing each other. Shelby doesn’t have to be perfect, and Martha doesn’t just like her out of obligation. It’s freeing and terrifying at the same time. Shelby acutely notices the loss of control but finds that she trusts Martha implicitly.
Shelby knows that befriending Martha brings her one step closer to Toni. She tells herself that doesn’t mean anything and that just because they have a mutual friend doesn’t mean they will interact. Shelby hopes they will. She also prays they won’t.
Martha invites Shelby to sit with her at lunch, and so she finally meets Toni. They both know who the other is, and it’s awkward at first, but they all push on. Shelby avoids looking Toni in the eyes because otherwise, she’ll get lost in their chocolate color. But she has friends now. And it’s nice to be able to smile and laugh with the others. Her optimism starts to return, and sometimes she finds herself skipping to the cafeteria at lunchtime.
Her parents notice the difference, and Shelby catches the edge of suspicion in her father’s eyes. He takes her aside and tells her how her siblings just got settled here. He makes it clear that she better not spoil this town like she did the last. Shelby tries to tell him it’s not like that, but he doesn’t seem to believe her. She registers the warning in his words and renews her pledge to keep her parents happy.
Shelby fails.
She’s started going with Martha to the girl’s basketball team games. It’s fun to talk with Martha and cheer for Toni. On the court, Toni is a beast. The anger and fire are channeled into winning, and she’s terrific. It seems like no one can defend against her. Every team knows she’s a threat, but they can’t neutralize her. The thought makes Shelby smile.
Whenever Toni scores or makes a particularly good play, she glances at them with a smile. Sometimes she waves. When Shelby first started coming to games, she’d seen Toni glancing at the girl with the eyeliner any time she did something impressive. Shelby learned Reagan’s name but chose to ignore it. She can’t place when the transition happened, but she wasn’t going to complain. So she returned smiles with beaming grins. Shelby told herself Toni was really looking for Martha, but a hidden part of her hoped that wasn’t true.
Shelby’s parents decide to come to one of the games. They spring this on her as she’s about to walk out the door. Her father claims he’s heard so many good things about the girl’s basketball team and wants to see for himself. They sit behind her and Martha, and Shelby can feel her father’s eyes on her. She tries to treat the game like any other and cheers for Toni just as enthusiastically as usual. Shelby pushes her father’s scrutiny to the back of her mind and manages to have a good time.
Toni plays brilliantly, of course, and when the game ends, Martha excuses herself to the bathroom. Shelby pulls out her phone and scrolls through Instagram absentmindedly. A throat clears in front of her, and she looks up to find Toni. The brunette is awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other in front of her. Shelby smiles and congratulates her on the win. Toni thanks her then asks if she can take Shelby out for pizza in celebration. She clarifies that she’s asking in the context of a date.
Shelby winces at the question. She knows her parents heard every word Toni just said. She knows Toni has no idea who is sitting behind her. So she braces herself, and when Shelby opens her mouth, it’s essentially her father’s words that come out. She shames Toni, talks about sinful ways, and says she is absolutely not like that. Shelby says what she was raised to say, inside her heart cracks open. She watches Toni’s face fall, and as the other girl turns around to speed walk away, Shelby restrains herself from following.
She turns around to her parents and tries not to cringe at the satisfaction evident on her father’s face. They stop for ice cream on the way home, and all Shelby wants is to go to her bedroom and cry.
She gets texts from Martha saying that she’s a horrible person and how dare she say those things to Toni. Shelby tells Martha she knows and turns her phone off.
Shelby soars.
When she goes to school the next day, she’s prepared to be alone once again. She convinces herself it’s not so bad and that she doesn’t really need friends. She starts to observe again. Lunch comes around, and she ignores the twinge in her chest when she sits down to eat alone. She fails to hide her shock when a tray slams down in front of her. Toni is angry, and Shelby doesn’t blame her. She listens to the tirade, and her heart breaks more at the confusion in Toni’s eyes.
Shelby readies herself to let go. She apologizes and gives a half-baked explanation of her family and religion. Across the room, she sees the disappointment in Martha’s eyes and forces herself to look away. The only thing that hurts more is the disgust on Toni’s face as she shakes her head and walks away for good. Shelby forces the tears down. She pretends everything is fine, and she gets through the rest of the day.
School is over, and Shelby is ready to go home where she can fall apart in private. She’s ambushed while she’s walking to her car. Toni is still so mad at her, but she won’t accept Shelby’s reasoning. Something in Shelby breaks. She tells Toni everything. She confesses what happened with Becca and how she’s breaking under the pressure to be perfect. She watches as Toni’s expression shifts from anger to confusion to sympathy to understanding. When she finishes, her cheeks are stained with tears, and mascara runs down her face.
She moves to go past Toni and head to her car. Toni grabs her wrist and pulls Shelby into her body. There’s a moment where they’re just looking into each other’s eyes, and Shelby was right; she gets lost in the depths of the color. There’s gold in the chocolate, and Shelby could look into Toni’s eyes for hours. She’s not sure who leans in, but they’re kissing softly and passionately. Toni’s lips are soft against her, and in the kiss, Shelby says everything else she’s been wanting to. She tells Toni that she’s been so enraptured by her since she moved to Minnesota. She apologizes for lying at the game and saying no when she wanted to say yes. The kiss is everything, and Shelby’s heart takes flight.