Work Text:
PARK JIMIN’S MEDICAL RECORDS LEAKED
1 hour ago
In a shocking twitter thread posted this morning by a recently-created anonymous account, idol PARK JIMIN’s medical and school records from several years ago were revealed to the public. The records confirm… KEEP READING
IS PARK JIMIN REALLY A MAN?
2 hours ago
Since his debut, Big Hit Entertainment’s star soloist PARK JIMIN has been the subject of many questionable rumors. The majority of them have centered around speculation about whether he is really a man or… KEEP READING
THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT “MALE” IDOL PARK JIMIN
2 hours ago
While rumors about PARK JIMIN’s real gender have been circulating for years, there has never been any public statement about it or factual evidence to suggest he is not a man. However, less than an hour ago… KEEP READING
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tired.
cold.
numb.
jimin feels like he’s trapped in a bubble, floating helplessly—watching from above as taehyung paces the length of jimin’s living room in an endless cycle, as seokjin hisses furiously into his phone, as they all wait with an air of helplessness for a word from the higher-ups.
he's been sitting on his couch for the past three hours. he can hardly feel his legs. he can hardly feel his body at all.
dimly, he realizes that this has been inevitable ever since he signed that contract seven years ago and dedicated himself to a life of singing, dancing, and, most importantly, being in the public eye. he knew it was only a matter of time until somebody—a curious “fan,” a nosy journalist, a spiteful anti—discovered his secret and shared it with the whole world.
he’d sort of hoped to be more prepared when it actually happened, though. he’d even hoped that he’d be able to announce it himself before anyone else got the chance. he had dreams about maybe, someday, becoming so tremendously successful that any backlash would be inconsequential; then he would go live for his fans, in an intimate setting like his bedroom or his living room, and reveal everything while they flooded him with loving, supportive comments.
but, well. becoming an idol was his first big dream, and he’s already achieved it. maybe you only get one per lifetime.
at the kitchen counter, visible thanks to the open floor plan of jimin's apartment, seokjin slams his phone down in frustration and rubs his eyes with one hand.
“taehyung-ssi,” he says, his voice more composed than his appearance, “would you keep an eye on the door for now? don’t open it for anyone unless pd-nim is with them.”
“you think paparazzi would make it past the front desk?” taehyung stops pacing and runs an anxious hand through his hair.
“I think they’d do anything to get a picture, a quote, anything they can sell,” seokjin sighs. he snorts humorlessly. “disgusting leeches.”
jimin watches him walk down the hallway and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
a stifling silence falls over the apartment in his absence, swiftly closing in on jimin until his breaths are heavy and ragged, his throat is tightening up, his stomach is heaving. he brings his hands up to cover his nose and mouth in a desperate attempt to regulate his breathing so he doesn’t vomit or pass out. in a way, the sudden suffocation comes as a relief—the building ache in his chest is the most he’s felt ever since he woke up, checked twitter, and found his fandom in shambles.
“jimin-ah,” taehyung murmurs. as he approaches and sits down next to jimin, the sound of his voice feels distant, like heard from several rooms away with all the doors closed in between. “you’re gonna be okay. we’ll protect you, manager-nim and i. you’ll see. it’s all gonna be fine.”
“this shouldn’t even be the issue,” jimin chokes out, muffled into his palms. “it shouldn’t fucking matter if i’m trans or not. it’s fucked up we have to be more concerned about everyone knowing than about my fucking privacy being invaded like this.”
“you’re right,” taehyung soothes. his steady hand lands on jimin’s back, rubbing big, even circles over his shoulder blades. “you’re right. it’s really fucked up.”
jimin sighs heavily and leans into his touch, letting taehyung's calming presence surround him while his breathing slows down once more. all at once, he feels a heavy exhaustion fill his bones, his muscles, his spirit. he can’t stand to be awake anymore.
taking a final deep, deliberate breath, jimin slowly lifts his legs onto the couch beside him, bending sideways to rest his head in taehyung’s lap. taehyung’s other hand finds jimin’s hair, stroking through it with soothing tenderness. jimin curls himself up small small small, and taehyung touches him soft soft soft, and like this, they silently sort through the emotional wreckage left behind by the hateful actions of a powerful few.
and like this, jimin sleeps.
-
jimin knows he’d been lucky to be offered a contract by bighit, a company whose CEO is infamous for handpicking openly lgbt trainees and going above and beyond to protect them. they’d never debuted a trans idol, and bang pd didn’t know jimin was a trans boy until he revealed it during their first in-person meeting, but as soon as jimin signed the contract, his transition process began—fully funded by bighit entertainment.
it was always his choice to keep it a secret. he didn’t like the idea of offering bigots a reason to hate him before they’d even heard him sing, nor did he want anyone to think he was using his transness as a way to gain visibility, as a gimmick to draw in more fans. that kind of publicity is exactly what he doesn’t want out of his career—all he’s ever wanted is to be a singer, to perform, and to make people happy.
these days, he’s wondering if perhaps he should’ve ripped the bandaid off and just come out when he debuted.
he hasn’t posted on social media in over a week. although he’s seen the occasional supportive tweet and been very grateful for it, pretty much everything he sees is some kind of insult, argument, or half-hearted promise to remain his fan, even though they “disagree” with his “choice” to be trans. the company released a brief statement confirming that jimin is, in fact, a transgender man, and have been working round the clock to take down negative articles and try to lessen the extent of the backlash.
his situation could be a lot worse. he has to keep reminding himself of that. it could always be worse.
somehow, the sentiment isn’t all that comforting.
-
“hello,” jimin says to his viewers. to his fans, if he has any real ones left. he's sitting at his desk, phone propped up to show his face and torso, and he’s trying to focus on the sputtering stream of hearts on the right rather than the comments on the left.
“i’m not going to waste any time,” he says. “you all know by now. it’s not how i wanted you to find out, but it’s done now, i guess.” he pauses to gather his thoughts. “i still wanted to be able to tell you with my own voice, though. that's why I'm here right now, talking to you all. so, yeah. i’m trans. i feel a bit guilty for keeping it from you for so long, and I'm sorry to those who felt betrayed by that, but i'm not ashamed of who i am. i hope you understand.”
he risks a glance at the chat, not surprised at what he finds there. it’s filled with people swearing at him, calling him disgusting names, insulting his looks and his music and anything else they can think of. there are a few people offering genuine support, though, and it’s pleasantly surprising how happy that makes him feel.
“I don't want to go on for too much longer,” Jimin says, putting on a small smile. “i really only came here to address the situation. i’ve done that now, so i think i’ll end it here. to those who have continued to support me, thank you. I appreciate you so much. please take care of yourselves, stay safe and healthy, and i’ll see you later.”
with a brief wave goodbye, he ends the livestream, letting out a giant sigh of relief. his heart is still beating abnormally fast, and he feels mentally exhausted. it's been a long time since going live has felt so stressful.
honestly, it only confirms what he’s been considering for the past few days. he's receiving a lot of negative attention from the media, people who were once fans are now cursing his name, and a five-minute livestream has just made him want to sleep for the next five years.
if jimin needs anything right now, he needs a fucking break.
-
allkpop✔️ @allkpop
Park Jimin announces indefinite hiatus following recent outing as transgender
allkpop.com/article/2018…
6:08 AM ⋅ Nov 6, 2018 ⋅ Twitter Web App
JIMIN✔️ @pjm_twt
thank you for all the love and support. i will be taking a break for a while to focus on myself and my mental wellbeing. i hope to come back soon with new music for you all. love you minis 💕
6:00 AM ⋅ Nov 6, 2018 ⋅ Twitter for iPhone
BigHit Entertainment✔️ @BigHitEnt
Hello, this is BigHit Entertainment.
As of today, our artist PARK JIMIN is officially on hiatus. We implore you to respect his privacy during this time and to patiently await his return.
Thank you.
6:00 AM ⋅ Nov 6, 2018 ⋅ Twitter Web App
-
jimin blinks awake as his bedroom door creaks open, rolling onto his back in time to see taehyung step through and gently push the door shut behind him. he gives jimin a sheepish smile as he approaches the bed.
“sorry for waking you up,” he whispers, crawling under the covers with jimin. jimin hums in response. “seokjin-ssi said hoseok-hyung called and asked if he could come see you,” taehyung continues. “but you were sleeping so well, he didn’t want to wake you up to ask.”
“why does he wanna see me?” jimin mutters. he rolls back onto his stomach to shove his face in taehyung’s chest.
“just to check in. you haven’t been texting anyone back. not that you have to, but—your friends are worried about you.”
“why does he even need to call? he’s never asked permission before.”
“he wasn’t sure if you wanted to see anyone,” taehyung answers softly. “we can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, you know. i think everyone’s scared of saying the wrong thing to you.”
“do you all think i’m that sensitive?” jimin hisses, suddenly annoyed. “i’m not gonna start crying if someone looks at me wrong or something. he’s known i’m trans the whole time, all that’s different now is that the whole world knows, too. i’m exactly the same as i was before. what the fuck is everyone so worried about?”
taehyung sighs, reaching up to comb his fingers through jimin’s messy bedhead. “you’re going through a hard time,” he says. “don’t try and act like this isn’t taking a toll on you. stress can have a really big impact on someone’s behavior, how they react to things, and no one wants to be the one to set you off if they accidentally mess up or say something insensitive. we don’t think poorly of you, jimin-ah. we just want you to feel better sooner rather than later, and if leaving you alone is what achieves that, we’ll gladly do it.”
“i don’t want to be alone,” jimin murmurs. “especially not right now. it’d feel like everyone was leaving me.”
“then we’ll tell hoseok-hyung he can come over, and you won’t be alone,” taehyung smiles. “maybe he’ll even bring his members, hm? does that sound nice?”
yoongi and namjoon are the other two-thirds of hoseok’s independent rap crew. they look harsh and intimidating, but really they’re both the quiet, awkward type—completely different from hoseok. jimin has met them only a handful of times, and they’re always nice to him. yoongi-ssi told him his voice was beautiful. namjoon offered to produce a song for him, one day, maybe, if they ever get a chance to work together. they’re both… nice.
“yeah,” jimin says, throwing an arm over taehyung’s torso to pull him closer. “that would be fun.”
“okay,” taehyung says. “for now, let’s get you back to sleep. you stayed up until six just to tweet that for your fans.”
“how do you know that? what if i woke up right before, hit send, and then immediately went back to sleep?”
“i know you would’ve been worrying yourself sick about it right up until the last minute,” taehyung counters. “there’s no way you would’ve been able to sleep until the announcement was made. now, come on, you need to rest. hobi-hyung can wait a few more hours.”
jimin huffs, but settles into taehyung’s arms, closing his eyes and letting the steady heartbeat of his best friend lull him back into slumber.
-
after greeting the three of them at the door—hoseok with a hug, namjoon and yoongi with polite waves and a shy smile—jimin leads the trio over to his living room couch, taking the armchair for himself.
“you have a nice place,” yoongi says, scratching behind his ear delicately. “i like the style, sort of minimalist but not too modern-looking. nice and timeless. the lighting fixtures are right up my alley.”
“he gets wild about lighting fixtures,” namjoon teases, knocking yoongi playfully on the shoulder. “he’s right, though! your place is beautiful.”
“thanks,” jimin says. he feels a bit awkward, to be honest. though he’s exchanged words with both yoongi and namjoon on occasion, he’s never really sat down and talked with either of them. “i actually, um, hired a designer to do my place. i’m not very good at… creative things like that.”
hoseok frowns. “of course you are,” he argues. “you drew all the art and stuff for your latest mini-album, didn’t you?”
“wait, seriously?” namjoon asks, looking impressed.
jimin flushes, rubbing shyly at the back of his neck.
“i guess,” he mumbles. “that was mostly just doodles, though…”
“it looked great!” namjoon exclaims. “it’s honestly an amazing album in every regard, though. i bought all three versions, i was so obsessed.”
“oh.” jimin is a little surprised at that—he hadn’t expected someone like namjoon, whose favorite genre is old-school hip-hop, to be a fan of his music. park jimin, idol, releases songs that are softer, more melodramatic, more fitting to his flower boy image. park jimin’s music is a far cry from the hard-hitting, provocative raps that namjoon writes.
“he’s bought every one of your albums since your debut,” hoseok grins. “this was the first time he got every single version, though. must’ve been something special you were looking for, huh, joonie?”
“i had to trade him my version three photocard when he got doubles of the first version,” yoongi sighed. namjoon throws his head onto the back of the couch, covering his eyes with a hand as he smiles sheepishly.
“oh,” jimin repeats. “oh, that’s. thank you?”
hoseok bursts into laughter. “you’ve got two regular fanboys here, jimin,” he reveals. “they were so excited to come with me today.”
“oh.” jimin feels like a broken record, scrambling to say something, anything of meaning. “that’s so nice, i… i love your music, too.”
namjoon runs the hand on his face through his hair, chuckling a little in embarrassment. “thanks,” he says. “hey, speaking of my music… there’s this track i’ve been working on, and it didn’t hit me until just the other day that it’d be perfect with your voice on it. would you wanna come down to the studio sometime and have a listen?”
jimin hardly registers his own mouth dropping open. “really?”
“yeah, why not? unless you don’t want to spend your break working, i mean, that’s totally valid and i don’t want you to feel pressured to say yes right now, or even at all, really—”
“that would be awesome,” jimin interrupts, instantly perking up. “i’d love to hear what you have so far. i definitely don’t want to spend my whole hiatus cooped up here doing nothing.”
“of course, who’d want to spend all their time in a spacious, well-furnished, comfortable penthouse?” yoongi teases with a good-natured grin. “sounds like torture if you ask me.”
a giggle escapes jimin’s mouth. honestly, ever since the three of them stepped through his door he’s nearly forgotten all about why he’s taking a break in the first place. though seokjin’s presence is grounding, though taehyung has been instrumental in keeping jimin sane through all of this—it really helps to have someone new come in and force him to think about something else. it definitely doesn’t hurt to also get a casual collab offer from an artist he respects.
the happy feeling stays with him for hours until they leave, and while it starts to slowly fade away as soon as the door closes behind them, jimin goes to bed feeling more optimistic than he has in days.
-
in spite of the hiatus, jimin finds himself wandering back to the company practice rooms not even a week after the announcement. sure, his apartment has plenty of empty space he could use to run through his routines, but there’s something irreplaceable about the squeaky vinyl floors, the fogged-up mirrors, the echo-y speakers. he’s spent a third of his life in these studios, and it feels strange, having avoided them for as long as he has. he enters the building quietly, discreetly shows the front desk receptionist his id, and heads for the second floor.
jimin claims the first empty dance room he sees. he wastes no time connecting his phone to the speaker, choosing a few of his older songs and dancing through them in succession. it’s easy to lose himself in the music, in the repetitive movements and relatively simple steps. he lets his body take over, running through the routines on autopilot, as his mind finally goes quiet.
he’s not sure how many songs have played—five, maybe six?—when the door bursts open and he’s startled out of his trance, stumbling over his feet as he turns to face whoever’s interrupted him.
“hyung,” jungkook gasps, bending over to catch his breath. jimin can’t help but smile at the inexplicably sweaty young trainee.
“jungkook-ah,” he greets. seeing him here is a pleasant surprise. it’s been several weeks since the last time they spoke. “how are you?”
“i didn’t—i don’t have your number, and i was too scared to ask seokjin-ssi to give it to me, but i’ve been wanting to talk to you since… just, for a while, hyung, and hyejin-noona said you checked in earlier, so i came to find you.”
jimin chuckles, walking over to his phone to turn off the music. “taking time out of your busy schedule just to find me? i’m honored.”
“hyung,” jungkook says again in a desperate, pleading tone. “i… i was so worried about you.”
the following silence goes on for just too long before jimin sighs. he turns back toward jungkook, fully taking in his heaving shoulders, his glistening eyes. “you don’t need to worry about me,” jimin says. he’s not sure if it’s true, but he has to be strong in front of his dongsaeng. “hyung will be alright, you’ll see.”
“i’ve seen what people are saying,” jungkook says then, leaning tiredly against the doorframe, and jimin’s heart stops.
he doesn’t want to imagine the kinds of things jungkook’s been exposed to on the internet since jimin’s outing. he hasn’t touched social media himself since the hiatus began, and he can only assume that in his absence, the bigotry and hateful comments have been multiplying nonstop.
jungkook gulps. “i don’t understand,” he says, “i don’t get why—there’s gay idols, you know, and maybe the media isn’t very kind to them, either, but—why is it so different for you? why are they so angry?”
jimin can hear the confusion, the sadness in his voice, and it fills him with his own sort of sadness, too. jungkook’s always been a sweet boy, earnest and sincere, and jimin’s enjoyed growing closer to the trainee ever since he joined the company several months ago. somewhere between the doe-eyes and the busan satoori and the fierce determination of his spirit, jungkook endeared himself to jimin, and they’ve started talking between schedules when they can. they’re not the closest, but jimin enjoys their conversations—they share their loftiest dreams as well as their most pointless musings. jimin hopes he’s a good role model to jungkook, someone he can look up to in his life.
they’ve never really dwelled on the more negative things, though. jimin has his own friends for that, and he assumes jungkook does, as well. but now, for the first time, jimin finds himself willing to open up that side of him to jungkook.
“i don’t know why,” jimin tells him honestly. “it doesn’t make much sense to me, either. but i try not to waste time trying to understand people like that. i don’t think anything good can come from it.”
“i suppose,” jungkook murmurs. he’s staring down at the ground. “it just makes me so angry.”
jimin sighs. “it makes me angry, too,” he says. “but in positions like ours, we have to learn how to brush these things off. we can’t get caught up in how we feel about the negativity. we just have to work through it quietly and move the fuck on.”
he watches jungkook mull over the words silently, still not meeting jimin’s eye. it’s a tough lesson, jimin knows, but it’s important to learn it early on. he didn’t have anyone to give him advice like this when he was a trainee, and figuring this shit out firsthand isn’t something he would wish on anyone. he hopes jungkook is taking what he said to heart.
“how?” jungkook finally asks. “how do you work through it?”
“i’m not sure i’m the best person to ask about that,” jimin laughs. “i tend to just avoid whatever’s making me feel bad, and i’m not even very good at that.”
“you seem so unbothered, though,” jungkook frowns. “it seems like nothing ever gets to you.”
“well, what i am good at is pretending. you won’t get far in this industry unless you have a stellar poker face.”
“what’s the difference, though?” jungkook says, raising his head to look at jimin curiously. “if you can pretend it doesn’t matter for other people, can’t you also convince yourself it doesn’t matter?”
jimin grimaces, unprepared to answer all of these deep, soul-searching questions. “i guess you could,” he says. “but keeping track of all the lies gets exhausting before too long.”
“...are you tired?” jungkook asks.
is he?
jimin thinks about it. he’s been keeping a big part of himself secret for seven years. he’s had virtually everything he’s worked so hard for stripped from him in the span of a few days. he’s been surrounded by people who accept him and love him, though he’s probably lost some friends, too. he’s been going through the motions, letting things happen without putting up much of a fight.
he’s not lying to anyone anymore.
no, he’s not tired. but now that he thinks about it, maybe he’d prefer that over feeling so lost.
-
if jimin were a normal person, if he weren’t an idol, he thinks it probably wouldn’t have mattered so much if he was trans or not. in the sense that—it’s nobody else’s business, and he doesn’t owe anyone anything, and he could’ve gone his whole life not telling anyone and he’d just be a man and it would’ve all been exactly the same.
but in exchange for the life he lives now, he’s had to give up a lot of things. among those things was any real sense of privacy, the luxury of being able to keep certain things to himself, practically any margin for error. as it is, he owes the public honesty, he owes his fans details about his personal life. keeping huge secrets from those who spend their time and money on him is unforgivable, and keeping something so—controversial?
he should’ve realized all along that he was setting himself up for a fall from grace.
-
“jimin-ssi!” namjoon exclaims, opening the door to his studio wider to let him in. jimin smiles at him, prepared to greet him back, but he’s immediately distracted by the sheer amount of things taking up every inch of space in the small room.
there are countless kaws dolls on each shelf, intricate wood carvings of all kinds, movie and band posters on every inch of wall space. it’s an organized mess, carefully pieced together in such a way that jimin thinks it would all fall apart if only one item were removed—so different from the clean minimalism of jimin’s apartment, and yet it instantly makes him feel at home.
“wow,” jimin says, unable to keep the awe out of his voice. “this is amazing.”
“ah, it’s not much,” namjoon scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. technically, he’s right; it’s practically a glorified closet, seemingly squished into a corner of the house he shares with hoseok and yoongi. but on the other hand, it’s clearly a place where namjoon spends a lot of his time, and there’s something almost tangible about the calm and comforting aura surrounding the space.
“it’s lovely,” jimin tells him earnestly.
“thank you—um, have a seat, i guess,” namjoon transitions awkwardly, gesturing toward one of the two chairs positioned in front of the desk and taking one for himself. “let me just—i’ve already got it pulled up, so… oh! let me grab the lyrics for you to read, hold on—” he rummages around in the desk drawers, thumbling haphazardly through loose sheets of paper until he finds what he’s looking for. he hands it to jimin, who takes it gratefully as he falls into the seat next to namjoon. the chairs are squished together, but it’s more cozy than uncomfortable. jimin settles in to read as namjoon hits play and sits back in his own seat.
at first glance, the lyrics are sweet, romantic. all this is no coincidence, when you called me i became your flower, the universe has moved for us. it’s about fate, about meeting someone and knowing right away that they’re the one. but as jimin reads on, he notices that it’s more than just a cheesy song about fate and destiny. it’s more like… that spark when you first meet someone, and something inside of you already knows that you’re going to fall in love. it’s about seeing the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen in your life and instantly realizing that their soul is beautiful, too, and that it perfectly matches your own.
jimin turns to namjoon, who’s gently nodding his head along to the soft, unassuming beat, the light, airy melody. he’s mouthing the words that are written on the paper in jimin’s hands, and it’s clear that they mean something to him.
jimin wonders who namjoon wrote this song about, and wonders if they’re aware that they’ve inspired such beautiful poetry. it would be a shame not to even know.
-
he records the song for namjoon. it’s a rather quick process, all things considered. he sings the lines a few times, namjoon keeps the best takes, and then jimin is on his way, ready to sit at home for however long it takes and wait for namjoon to tell him it’s finished.
he figures it’d be alright to drop it during the hiatus. it’s not really his song, after all; it’s namjoon’s. jimin is just a feature on it—a voice for namjoon’s words. in a way, it’s exactly what he’s been doing throughout his career. sure, he’s allowed a bit of creative input, and he’s been learning more about producing lately. but writing lyrics has always been a struggle, somehow, so he’s been content to let others do it for him with minimal suggestions on his part. he’d rather leave those things to the experts.
but this train of thought leads jimin to a vague memory of a few years back when, during a time of particular difficulty, he’d tried to pen his thoughts in the form of lyrics. it was like a letter to himself, he recalls, something about feeling terribly lonely, about how much it hurt to keep a meaningful part of himself secret, about how desperately he wanted to believe that he was content with it. he was lying to himself, trying to lessen the pain, but it all came pouring out at that time.
suddenly curious, jimin opens his phone to the notes app, scrolling and scrolling until he finally finds what he’s looking for.
the words are rough. they’re unfiltered, unedited, raw and harsh and real. one portion is just a list of accusatory questions at himself: when did you start hurting yourself like this? why are you lying to yourself? how are you ever going to be happy now? there’s a plea for help, for relief, for some way to pull himself out of the hole he dug by remaining silent.
looking at it now, he realizes much of this is far too painful to put in a song and release to the public. he wouldn’t want to put out something so hopeless, even if it’s how he feels—there needs to be some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. there needs to be some sort of hope in the bottom of the box.
he’ll wait, he thinks. he’ll wait until he has the answers to those questions, and until he can honestly put an optimistic spin on the whole thing. he’ll let the song serve as a promise, to himself and to others, that he’ll be alright.
he’ll wait, because he doesn’t think he can promise that yet. he doesn’t know what he’s capable of; whether he’ll be alright in the end or not. it’s scary, but it’s the reality right now. so until he can be certain that he’ll make it out of this with all his pieces intact, he’ll keep the song in the back of his mind and wait for that time to come.
-
he knows he shouldn’t have looked it up. he’s been doing so well avoiding social media, keeping to himself and his friends and the people who support him. he’s been doing so well—
of course he had to ruin it all by searching his name on naver at three in the morning.
article after article detailing the fans’ anger, the public’s disgust, the hate campaigns against his name. part of him is convinced that he’s exaggerating, that he’s making it all up in his head—there’s no way people are being so hostile towards him for this, right? surely there are still people who love him. surely he has trans fans, surely someone has found comfort or happiness in learning the truth about him.
but if there are any, they’re buried underneath the layers upon layers of bigoted assholes who won’t rest until the whole world hears their opinion.
jimin groans in frustration, throwing his phone on the floor beside his bed and twisting himself up even more in the covers. rather than exhaust him, the terrible things people are saying only serve to make him riled up and angry. he wants to hit something. he wants to hit someone. he wants to get out of bed and kick a hole through the wall.
he settles for punching his pillow a few times until some of the tension in his shoulders loosens and slips away. it’s only somewhat satisfying, but it helps.
the sleep jimin eventually falls into is fitful, and he wakes up the next morning with a heavy feeling in his gut.
-
Serendipity (feat. PARK JIMIN)
4,547,098 views ⋅ 👍1.2M 👎989k
14,986 Comments
bulletproof boyz 2 hours ago
wish he would’ve picked someone else for this collab :/ terrible timing
👍504 👎 reply
Lemon Blossom 1 hour ago
OMG IS JIMIN BACK??
👍78 👎 reply
melanie j 2 hours ago
we shouldve known all along… “he” has the girliest voice i’ve ever heard come from a “man”
👍112 👎 reply
Min sugar 3 hours ago
omg isnt that that guy who was in some big scandal a few weeks ago? whats he doing here
👍34 👎 reply
-
“was youtube not included in your vow of social media abstinence?”
jimin startles, looking up from the screen at seokjin. the manager has one hand on the wheel and the other resting casually on his thigh, a neutral expression on his face. jimin looks back down.
“just checking to see how people like the song,” he says.
“well, let me know if you get any ideas in your head about checking anything else. it’s my job to take care of you, you know, and that’s pretty difficult if you’re torturing yourself with—”
“i’m not torturing myself.”
seokjin falls silent. jimin sighs.
“sorry,” he says. “i didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“it’s okay,” seokjin says.
they continue driving, a stiff silence falling over them once more. seokjin’s taking him to taehyung’s place, since jimin doesn’t have a car but wanted to get out of the house for a while. jimin wonders how seokjin’s liking his job these days. he’s only been jimin’s manager for a little over a year, and until now he hasn’t really had to deal with anything like this. his job mostly consisted of making sure jimin got to schedules on time and keeping him generally healthy.
nowadays, he’s practically a live-in mental carer. it can’t have been an easy transition for him.
“why did you become my manager?” jimin asks suddenly, turning off his phone screen and turning toward seokjin once more.
seokjin blinks, then laughs. “you mean, why did i become a manager in general? or why did i become your manager?”
“both, i guess.”
“well, i don’t know,” seokjin starts, running a hand through his hair. “i’ve always been pretty good at taking care of people, being organized, that kind of thing. my first gig was managing a girl group a few years back, since a friend of mine had connections to their company and got me the job. i really liked it, so when they disbanded, i started looking for other idol management openings. i did some interviews, got a few offers, but i’d heard good things about you compared to the others, so i chose big hit. and that’s why i’m your manager.”
“really?” jimin grins, pleased. “what kinds of good things did you hear?”
“you were considerate, you listened well, you were easy to look after,” seokjin lists off with a teasing smile. “and you didn’t tend to go out partying, which was honestly a huge plus. taking care of drunk idols at four in the morning isn’t fun.”
“i’ll bet,” jimin snorts. “i’m not sure if i should be flattered about the ‘easy to look after’ part, though. does that mean i’m boring?”
“not at all!” seokjin says. “it just means you don’t constantly cause problems for your managers to deal with. it’s a good thing, trust me.”
“oh,” jimin says, suddenly feeling subdued. “i guess i’m not so easy now, huh?”
seokjin glances at him, a fond look on his face. “none of that, now,” he chides. “none of this is your fault. at all. i’m honored to be the one to stay by your side through everything. i don’t regret taking this job for a second.”
it’s a small gesture, a simple reassurance, but somehow those few words cause the strange funk jimin’s been in for the last few days to slowly dissipate.
“thank you for staying by my side,” jimin responds quietly, and they drive the rest of the way in comfortable silence.
-
taehyung giggles again, reaching for a different palette while simultaneously trying to stop jimin from turning around and looking in the mirror.
“i just wanna see what you’re doing,” jimin whines, breaking into a smile at the last second. “tae, please?”
“no peeking!” taehyung carefully holds the palette so jimin can’t see what color he’s picking up with the brush, and instructs him to close his eyes. jimin obeys, but not without an exasperated sigh.
taehyung talks as he swipes the brush over jimin’s eyelids. “you seem happier today,” he remarks. “i was getting a little worried, you know? it was like you were just getting sadder and sadder every time i saw you. but you seem better today. what happened?”
“seokjin-ssi reminded me that it’s not my fault,” jimin answers softly. “i think i’d been forgetting that a little. i just felt so guilty, like maybe if i’d been open about it from the beginning, everything would’ve been fine. but i think he’s right, it’s not my fault at all.”
“you have a very wise manager.” taehyung’s smile is audible when he speaks. “and a super talented best friend. god, look at you! i’m so good at this.”
“can i please see what you did to me now?” jimin begs. it’s difficult to make his classic puppy-eyes when his eyes are closed, but he gives it his best shot.
“just needs eyeliner and you’re good to go,” taehyung says, tapping jimin’s cheek to let him know he can open his eyes again.
jimin sighs, contentment filling his body as he sits with his back facing the vanity and lets taehyung pamper him. it’s been a long few weeks, and his self-care these days begins and ends with taking extra long showers and napping all day. it’s nice to have someone fussing over him like this again.
taehyung pulls out an eyeliner pen and has jimin close his eyes once more, gently drawing a winged line on each eye and taking the time to make sure they’re even. “you look so beautiful,” taehyung coos, gently pushing one of jimin’s shoulders to get him to turn around. he does so, and when his eyes fly open, it takes a second to register his appearance in the mirror.
once he does, though, a huge smile spreads across his face.
“tae!” he exclaims, turning his head in the mirror to admire the subtle purple and black eyeshadow, the perfect wing. he feels pretty. the thought strikes something inside of him, and it’s like—he feels like a suddenly deflated balloon.
“it looks great,” he says, noticeably less enthusiastic though he tries to keep up his smile for taehyung’s sake. “thanks, love.”
“of course,” taehyung says, running his hands gently through jimin’s hair as he stands behind him. “now, what’s going on in that head of yours?”
“i just,” jimin starts. “i feel like people might think i’m lying, or. i don’t know. that’s a thing, right? what if people think i’m not really a boy because i like makeup and feeling… pretty?”
“i think you need to stop worrying about what other people think,” taehyung says, smiling fondly. “i know it’s easier said than done, but please try not to dwell on it.”
“i’m usually good at ignoring that kind of thing, you know?” jimin sighs. “but everything feels so much louder, lately. it’s hard to escape all of it.”
“you’re doing a good job,” taehyung assures him. it calms jimin some. “it’s understandable if it gets a little overwhelming. just don’t lose yourself trying to please other people. it might feel lonely at times, but staying true to yourself and being someone you like is so much better than throwing yourself away for someone else’s approval. as long as you know that liking pretty things doesn’t make you less of a boy, that’s all that really matters.”
jimin ponders taehyung’s words. he’s right, of course. if he’s going to be earning anyone’s acceptance, it may as well be his own, right? maybe instead of seeking praise from others, he could learn to be fulfilled just by seeking his own happiness.
maybe he could put something like that into his song.
-
jimin’s just walking out the front door of the company building when he runs smack into someone tall and broad. thanks to his slight build, he’s the one that stumbles backwards, barely catching himself on the doorframe. his first instinct is to apologize, but as he looks up and realizes that the person he ran into is namjoon, the words dry up in his throat.
“i’m so sorry!” namjoon apologizes, his hands hovering over jimin’s shoulders as if to ensure he’s standing steady. “that was totally my fault, i should’ve been looking where i was going! are you okay?”
jimin clears his throat, standing up straight and lightly dusting off his jacket. “yeah, i’m fine,” he assures him. “it’s okay. what are you doing here?”
“i was coming to find you,” namjoon says, and immediately blushes. “i mean—i had this idea for a song that i wanted to show you, and i guess i could’ve just texted you but seokjin-ssi said you’d be in one of the dance rooms and i just really prefer talking about music in person, so. hi?”
“hi,” jimin smiles, still caught a bit off-guard, but inexplicably endeared by namjoon’s eagerness. “would you like to come to mine and we can talk in private?”
“oh,” namjoon says, then repeats, “oh! sure, let’s do that! did you walk, or…?”
“yeah, it’s like a fifteen-minute walk, if that’s okay?”
“sure! i love walks!”
jimin giggles, leading the way down the sidewalk with namjoon scrambling to follow behind. this side of namjoon is quite interesting, jimin thinks. he’s never been intimidating, exactly, but jimin certainly had no idea he could be so—cute.
namjoon’s chattering away beside him, commenting on his favorite restaurants and shops in this area, pointing out a cute dog and a woman wearing a “stunning” red coat. the walk back to jimin’s apartment feels shorter than it ever has, and jimin’s hardly spoken a word outside of quietly agreeing with namjoon.
once they enter the building namjoon falls silent, avoiding jimin’s gaze in favor of glancing around the spacious lobby. with neither of them speaking, the ride up the elevator to jimin’s penthouse is long and silent. jimin tries to focus his attention on being a good host as soon as they arrive; offer something to drink, tell him where the restroom is, ask where he’d feel most comfortable discussing the song—
“i don’t have any lyrics yet,” namjoon blurts out as the doors finally open. “i don’t even know what it’s going to be about. but i feel like—what i have so far, musically, it’s sort of your vibe, you know? so that’s why i wanted to talk with you about it. sorry for showing up so suddenly, i didn’t mean to impose.”
“that’s alright,” jimin says. he and namjoon both head instinctively for the sofa, throwing themselves down on it right next to each other. “you’re not imposing at all. i’d like to hear what you have so far.”
“okay, well—it’s kind of rough right now,” namjoon warns, pulling his phone out of his back pocket. “but there’s guitar… well, it’s kind of only guitar now, but i was thinking of adding some really soft percussion, give it some structure, you know? and—” he hits play on the file, turning the volume down a bit as he continues to speak over it—“and it’s just really light and airy. sort of chill, i guess, something relaxing or calming or something like that. it just makes me think of a dream, or heaven, which is why—”
he abruptly stops talking, gaze flickering over to jimin hesitantly before settling on his phone screen.
“it sounds lovely,” jimin murmurs. “i think—i’ve got something that could be turned into lyrics for it, if you help me with them.”
“sure,” namjoon agrees easily. “can i see?”
wordlessly, jimin pulls out his own phone, quickly pulling up the note with his most recent edits and additions to the words he’d starting writing all those years ago. he hands it to namjoon with a nervous gulp.
as namjoon reads, he mouths some of the lines to himself. jimin catches some of them; since when did you start hurting me? not even you know, you should be your light so that you won’t be in pain, promise me you won’t throw yourself away.
“it’s a letter to myself,” jimin explains softly. “it’s all things i need to say to myself.”
“this is great,” namjoon says earnestly, looking up to meet jimin’s eyes. “we can definitely do something with this, it’ll be really great. you’re so—”
jimin’s heart flutters when namjoon pauses to lick his lips, swallowing hard as neither of them seem to be able to look away from one another.
“i’m so what?” jimin asks.
“so amazing,” namjoon answers right away. “i can’t believe i’m sitting next to the park jimin, holy shit.”
jimin laughs, startling both of them out of the serious moment as they collapse into giggles together.
“this might be weird, but i feel like i forget to be sad when i’m with you,” jimin says.
namjoon smiles. “i’ve heard i have that effect on people,” he teases, and jimin playfully shoves him as they break down into laughter once more.
-
as they meet up more and more to work on the song together, jimin finds himself noticing and admiring even more things about namjoon. his quick wit, his soft-spokenness, the way he nearly trips over himself to make jimin’s ideas feel heard and appreciated. it’s nice to have someone he can just… escape with, sometimes.
namjoon helps him with the lyrics, offering suggestions for how to make the words flow better, sound cleaner. he’s always careful to check with jimin that the words still mean what he wants them to, that they’re true to jimin’s honest feelings. when jimin finishes recording the finalized version, when namjoon puts it all together to make one coherent song—it feels like a weight’s been lifted off his shoulders.
it feels like the time’s finally come for him to make a promise to himself.
he’ll be alright.
-
JIMIN✔️ @pjm_twt
grateful for those who have stuck by me all this time 💕 this is a song for me, but it’s also a song for all of you. let’s learn how to be our own lights together. soundcloud.com/pjm/firstjiminpresent
12:00 AM ⋅ Jan 1, 2019 ⋅ Twitter for iPhone