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Thinking back on it Akaashi always —just a little bit— knew they were doomed.
Promise me, no matter what, we'll always stay friends .
Making a promise like that from the very start? Bokuto was already preparing for everything to end.
Friends, right? Like we promised?
And Akaashi agreed —of course he agreed— because how could he not? Was it not enough to lose the love of his life? Was he supposed to lose his best friend too? What kind of fucked up world would it be if he didn't accept that stupid promise.
Of course we'll always be friends. Don't say that.
He meant it. He still did. Obviously he did.
But fuck, it hurt. One week he was driving them around, one hand on the wheel and the other resting on Bokuto's thigh, holding onto his hand like it was the only thing he had; And the next they were sitting in that same car crying, wondering why being in love wasn't good enough.
Akaashi cried more.
He hurt more, too. It was obvious. Miss me, he thought with clenched fists. Miss me like I miss you.
* * *
Kou♡
[12:09A.M.] I feel like you hate me.
Akaashi couldn't stop staring at the words on his screen. They started to blur, or maybe his hands were just shaking. Shit. He really needed to erase that damn heart emoji.
The thought made him sick.
[12:12A.M.] I could never hate you.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Seriously?
Seeing each other for the first time since the break up had gone worse than Akaashi had imagined. He really thought he could do it, thought he could reach inside himself and pull out a neutral mask to wear while everyone sat down together and messed around like always.
He couldn't.
Silent tears ran down his face as he pushed his cheeks into the couch. Nobody spoke to him; they must have known. They must have realized if they tried he would break down.
He half expected Bokuto to pull him to the side like always and cheer him up, calm him down. But he didn't. He couldn't.
What was he thinking going there?
Akaashi barely managed to pull out his phone and text the only person close to him that didn't have a connection to this.
[10:34P.M.] Please call me.
The phone rang almost immediately, and for the first time that night, he sat up and looked at all his friends as best he could. "Oh, I have to take this," he mumbled and excused himself.
As soon as the bathroom door closed he dropped to the floor and answered his phone. "Thanks," he whispered, reaching up and locking himself in.
"I told you," Oikawa sighed into the phone, making the receiver hiss. "You can't just be his friend. You must hate yourself or something."
Akaashi laughed but there was no emotion in it. It was empty, so hollow that it was barely audible. "I do hate myself."
The call ended.
Surprised, Akaashi brought the phone away from his ear, gaping at his screen. Call ended.
"Prick," he mumbled right as another call came through. He waited a moment before picking up, ready to repeat it.
Oikawa didn't give him time. "You deserved that. Stop being so emo when you're the one who decided to go over there tonight."
"You don't understand. I promised him..."
"And? Are you keeping that lame promise or are you talking to me in a bathroom, making all your friends worry about you?"
He opened his mouth to argue his case, but it was pointless. Oikawa was right, the wiseass. "I hate this," he said.
The floor was cold. It was a disgusting bathroom floor, and yet it was calming. Kind of comforting in a way. His fingers pressed hard against it, wanting to feel the sharp coolness of it.
"I want to leave."
"Then leave."
It was good advice, but he didn't take it.
They were alone outside when Bokuto finally pulled him to the side. His touch was a spark, shocking him into feeling something he hadn't felt in weeks. "I just want things to go back to the way they were before."
Another spark. Hope "Before?"
But then it was gone. "Before we started dating," Bokuto says, huffing. "Being friends was so easy then. Why can't we go back to that?"
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
If Akaashi was a match, that question was a swift strike lighting him on fire. "There is no going back to the way things were before. Don't you get that?" His voice cracked, and he was crying —always crying. "Because from the time I met you, there has never been a moment when I wasn't in love with you. I don't know how not to love you, Kou!"
Bokuto flinched, but he didn't say he felt the same. Akaashi waited for it, wanted him to say it.
Like a match, the flame died quickly. Akaashi still offered to drive Bokuto home, despite himself.
That was the last time he forced himself to see him, careful to make plans on days he knew the other was busy. The group chat was muted and it felt good.
Of course Bokuto had to take it upon himself to force himself back in. I feel like you hate me, he had sent. But was he thinking about how Akaashi felt at all?
Anger was easier than hurt, but it was only a temporary reprieve.
* * *
Days turned into weeks and those weeks turned into months. Eventually, things got easier. His friends stopped asking if he was okay, stopped double checking to see if it was okay to invite Bokuto over. ("Yes, he's your friend isn't he? Things are fine now.")
After almost a year apart, he'd finally convinced himself he was over it. He felt free, felt like the sun was finally rising again and for the first time he wasn't looking to see how the light was pooling into a pair of gold eyes.
"You're forcing yourself," Oikawa said, throwing an empty water bottle at him. "No one has to tell people they're over their ex. I see through your act."
Akaashi picked up the empty water bottle and rolled his eyes. "So all those times you've told me you're over Sugawara…?"
Oikawa glared. "Obviously, I was lying. Duh. Just like you. Now get off all those lame ass dating apps. It screams rebound."
Akaashi didn't mention he saw his friend swiping through the exact same app last week. It wouldn't have helped. "It's been ten months. I'm past the rebound window."
The scoff that followed was scrutinizing. "There is no such thing as a rebound window. The fact that you're even saying that, that you know how many months its been—"
Akaashi tuned him out, refusing to listen. He'd already matched with a guy who he was proud to say seemed nothing like his ex-boyfriend. They had their first date in a week and he was excited.
It felt freeing.
In fact, he felt so freed by it that he didn't feel anything when Bokuto told him he was seeing someone too. Not a thing.
He refused to feel anything when he finally deleted the heart emoji from Bokuto's contact name.
* * *
Konoha was the perfect boyfriend.
He was funny, sweet, practical. He knew how to cook, how to kiss, how to make Akaashi feel like he was the only person in a room full of thousands. They had enough in common to make it work, but not so much that they were short on ways to try new things. And Konoha loved to try new things, even though he tried to be casual about it.
He was cute. When his hands would trace circles on Akaashi's skin, his touch was gentle but firm. He wanted to make Akaashi happy before anything else, even himself, and he wanted Akaashi to put his own happiness first too.
He was everything that Bokuto wasn't. He liked everything about Akaashi that he desperately wanted to like about himself.
"You're so genuine," he loved to say when they were close together, half asleep. Akaashi would kiss his forehead and try not to think about why the compliment made him feel wrong.
When his friends met him, they loved him instantly. He even had Bokuto's approval.
For some reason, Akaashi couldn't bring himself to tell Konoha that one of the people he'd just met was his ex. The ex. The same ex who he caught himself looking up on social media, who still had a playlist on his phone, hidden of course.
Akaashi felt like all he did was hide things.
You're so genuine , Konoha said. But Akaashi didn't feel genuine. He felt like a fucking asshole. Konoha trusted him completely, and didn't seem like the kind of person to make a big deal out of him being friends with his ex. Dozens of opportunities presented themself, but Akaashi stayed silent.
He wasn't genuine at all.
Things only went downhill from there.
* * *
They were hanging out again, and things were fine. He was comfortable, almost. Being friends was not as hard as he thought it would be as long as they weren't too close.
Of course, they were never alone. There was always another friend around.
He learned that being alone with him might feel good in the moment, but the second he was alone it took everything in him to not start breaking down, and he wasn't allowed to cry. Not when he had Konoha, his doting boyfriend who had texted him an hour ago.
Akaashi used to be a good boyfriend too, once.
Only Oikawa knew that he was doubting his relationship, because to tell his other friends would be the same as confessing he wasn't over Bokuto, and even he wasn't ready for that.
Especially when being friends just got easy.
"Hey, look!" Bokuto was pointing up into the sky. "doesn't that constellation kind of look like an owl?"
Akaashi found it immediately, smiling to himself. "It does."
When Bokuto grinned at him, it was the best he'd felt in months. The next day when he was taking a walk with Konoha, he couldn't help himself. The stars were out and the memory of Bokuto's wild grin soaked into him.
"You seem happy," said Konoha.
Akaashi could have just nodded, said that he was having a good time. Nothing good could come from what he was itching to say, and yet he couldn't stop himself. "That constellation looks like an owl, doesn't it?"
It was a test.
"Eh, I don't see it."
That night when he was driving home, Akaashi cried harder than he had in months.