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Erwin believes that the divine is cruel because he never seems to forget.
He remembers the emotions he felt prior to his death--a concoction of guilt, sadness, fear, and pride--when he wakes in the middle of the night, his forehead gleaming with sweat, tears at the edges of his eyes. He is greeted with darkness, so his thick eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. As far as he knows, he is in the middle of a battlefield facing a huge beast, hurling rocks at him and his men.
Erwin is proven wrong by the blankets draped around his form, the soft cloth against his skin. It was warm underneath the sheets, a stark contrast from the room’s cold temperature. He blinks, twice, thrice, rubs his eyes to get the tears out.
He is safe.
Most of the time, he feels as if this safety is the dream, and not the days he spent leading the Survey Corps to victory. His room, which was decorated with trophies from his school and medals that he had gotten from the Reserve Officer’s sports fests in his youth, felt intangible in comparison to the feel of his blades against his calloused hands. It felt like he was living the life of someone else.
But he’s not. He’s holed up in an air-conditioned room, revelling in his comfort.
A soft glow is emanating from Erwin’s phone, and he reads the time: 00:23. He tilts his neck to the side and leans back on the frame of his bed, reaching out for the device. There was 1 unread message from his father. He opens the message, and smiles softly as he sees the old man grinning to the camera, a map of Australia in his hand.
But sometimes, Erwin lets himself believe that the divine is kind.
In this world, his father isn’t dead , and is only just a call away. The old man remained a lecturer, however; a college professor whose eyes lit up whenever he taught. In his own way, Erwin was glad that his father gave no sign that he remembered his past life, especially after the pain and suffering he, as a young boy, had unknowingly brought the man.
Eren, Mikasa, and Armin are his father’s students. He’s not surprised that the three of them are still together in this world. They looked happy, well-fed and bright-eyed. He had talked to the trio twice over coffee, after Armin beamed at him widely and called him Commander Erwin (loudly, as if the young boy wanted the world to hear). His two friends watched him, confused.
“Armin,” Eren had said, almost teasingly, jabbing the blonde boy on the side. “Stop weirding people out.” Mikasa remained silent as she looked on blankly, reserved as usual.
Erwin smiled gently at the three of them, understanding the situation immediately. Only Armin was able to retain his memory.
In this life, Eren is not humanity's only hope. Mikasa is not one of humanity's strongest soldiers. Armin may be one of humanity's most intelligent men, but his hands weren't stained with blood and his eyes shone with a happiness he could finally allow himself to possess. In this life, they are free from suffering.
So, he brings them to a nearby cafe called The Underground, which (according to him, and maybe several other workaholics) is the best place in town. It was his sanctuary where he could find solitude to write his papers, allowing his consciousness to disappear into his work. The peaceful shop was also constantly filled with people who (most of the time) understood the need for silence.
Sometimes, Erwin lets himself believe that the divine is merciful.
Here, he sees the people he killed.
Of course, he did not kill them himself. Bitterly, Erwin thinks that he might as well have . He had asked them to give their hearts, give their lives for a cause he believed in—the future of humanity was at stake, after all. But watching them in the cafe as they drank coffee, studied, and conversed silently with their friends, Erwin couldn’t help but feel grateful for the second chance of life given to them, in a world without giant cannibals and even larger, suffocating walls.
The cafe was also owned by Levi, so Erwin can say that he was just a tiny bit biased. Eren and Armin had brightened immediately when he made the offer, while Mikasa nuzzled her nose into her black scarf. Upon entering the shop, Armin waved at the previous captain, as if he was already a regular in the place.
"You're late, brat," Levi told Mikasa, after nodding at Armin in response. The dark-haired girl glared at him sharply, before rolling her eyes and entering the staff room. Erwin watches the exchange in slight surprise.
Erwin knows that Levi doesn't remember anything, and he thinks it's for the best.
"Good afternoon," he greets politely, and the man behind the counter raises an eyebrow at him in acknowledgment. "I see you know Mikasa."
"She's my sister," Levi said simply, before looking at an auburn haired girl rearranging cups. "Petra, take his order."
When Mikasa emerged from the staff room, her bag nowhere in sight, Erwin was already in a deep conversation with Armin and Eren about their studies. The dark-haired girl had taken the liberty of bringing them their drinks, telling them that they need not pay because it was "on the house" politely. Erwin thanks her honestly, before complimenting Mikasa on her scarf. In his memories, it had been red.
"My mother gave this to me," Mikasa said, smiling softly. "She made it herself, you see."
And it was only then that Erwin noticed: the young girl no longer looked at Eren with a fondness that could rival a moth entranced to a flame, no longer clung onto him as if he was her only hope—no longer.
Ah, Erwin thinks, things really are different in this world.
After an hour, Mikasa excuses herself to assist her brother in working. Eren leaves because his mother called, armed with a bagged slice of cake for her. While Mikasa had previously offered to cover for it (“since it is Mrs. Jaeger after all, one of the kindest people ever,” Armin had said), Eren shook his head and paid for the cake himself. Erwin remembered Eren as boisterous and passionate, and while he was still both, the man had adopted a different aura that made him look at peace.
He is then left with Armin, whose gaze gradually began to darken as his friends left.
Erwin understands.
The divine is unpredictable.
Erwin had seen almost everyone he worked with. Miche, whose sense of smell was insured for over a million dollars. Pixis, who, despite being one of the best chess players in the world, was still defeated by Beth Harmon decades ago. When asked, he would say he was entranced by her amazing wit and tactics (but also by her beauty). Nile, who was a budding policeman.
All these people but he never does find Hange.
It wasn’t like he didn’t try. He looked up her name online, hoping that she still had the same last name (for some reason, most of them did). He tried in all forms of social media--the bird app, the camera app, and even the bookface app. Unfortunately, it was as if she didn’t exist.
Sometimes, he wonders why Hange never bothered to show up in his life again. Did she choose not to be reincarnated? Did she hate him so much for leaving her with a position and a responsibility she didn’t ask for?
But Hange was never the type of person to reject chances or learn. It was her passion for learning not just titans, but also people, that had drawn her closer to others. He remembered her as both an enigma and an open book.
Hange would also never reject an opportunity to see Levi again.
So why? Where was she?
Erwin’s unsure if his questions will ever be answered, so he closes his eyes and chooses to sleep.
The divine is kind and cruel.
Armin is plagued with memories also, of a world where sacrifices were crucial to survival. Erwin asked the younger man when he had gotten his memories, and Armin sighed and said he first got them five years ago, when he was fifteen. Erwin nodded to himself and wondered why they were the exception.
“Perhaps it’s because we were willing to remember,” Armin theorized. Erwin had mulled over the suggestion, catching a glimpse of Levi nodding in Petra’s direction. Surely, the captain would’ve wanted to remember all the names and faces of those he had lost. Armin seemed to catch Erwin’s drift, so he followed up with a second proposition, “Or maybe, it’s not yet time.”
Erwin hummed and nodded, leaning back on his chair. He had gotten his memories when he was a young child. The constant nightmares felt too real to be farce. At first, he had assumed that he was going crazy, but every morning he woke up to the knowledge of more names, more faces, more deaths. He came to the conclusion that it was his past life after he had dreamt his own death, and it was still the one memory that haunted him on particular nights.
“Do you ever feel guilty?” Erwin asked Armin. The blonde’s sad gaze satisfied Erwin’s question, and he was ready to tell the young man that he didn’t need to explain if he didn’t want to. But Armin steeled himself and spoke, with an authoritative voice that resembled that of a commander.
“On some days,” Armin started, and Erwin nodded in acknowledgement. “But that was my past life, and there’s nothing I can do about it now.” Erwin smiles, almost proudly, because he knew from the very beginning that Armin had the strength that could make him a formidable leader. The blonde continued, “You’re not mad at me, right?”
Erwin blinks twice before he laughs heartily. “Of course not. Levi made the right decision.”