Archive of Our Own ^beta

everything in youngjae's house is labeled and specifically divided. 

his parents seem to each live a very distinct matrimony, where the only thing they share is the same ceiling. they both have separate rooms, drive separate cars, have antagonizing tastes and even though they work in the same field, they represent different companies. youngjae knows what it means for them to be together, the weight and power of it and how even though they were both against it, they could not deny the perks that would come with a union between their names. every object inside the house either belongs to his mother or his father, there is no between or common ground. yet, he still dwells in hopes of the two of them orbitating the same world someday, instead of only rotating around each other. 

he spends a lot of this time watching them interacting and they only seem to drive further from one another. they talk to each other in a formal and precise way, even the long conversations they hold once in a while, have been previously scheduled. recently, they both decided to get cats, separately: a grey one that is calm, collected and does not like to play around and an orange one that has been damaging every piece of furniture they own, much to his mother's chagrin and father's amusement. the other point where they seem to come together is about their children. they adore youngjae's older sister, and so does he. as the perfect alignment of their molds, youngjoo is the sole star of the sohn household, and he is fine with that, his sister is kind and attentive with him, maybe the only one around that tries to understand him and his current situation. 

yet, youngjae was naive enough to think that after having divided everything and spending an entire life playing favorites, at some point the grace would fall upon him. 

news flash: it didn't. 

they are both hopeless and infinitely disappointed with their youngest child. 

he gives them some credit anyway, they tried a lot of things with him: looked for every therapist money could afford, enrolled him in a thousand activities to keep his mind busy and when it all did not work, they sent him abroad to clear his head. youngjae doesn't think he ever understood what is wrong with him, is evident to him the differences between himself and his family. how his carefree and boisterous personality doesn't fit with their organized and neat one. he truly always felt like an outsider inside the place he should belong, a forever unwanted guest in his own house. yet, they never addressed his issues in front of him, as if keeping it hidden will make it suddenly disappear.

in the end there is no agreement between youngjae's body and youngjae's mind, two distinct institutions deeply disturbed by his circumstances and that never seem to agree on anything, just like his parents. maybe that's why they cannot deal with him. he does not think they ever saw him as anything else than a liability, his mother always saying how he was already causing problems in the moment he was born. so instead of their child, youngjae feels as if he is a raging headache they have no medicine for. 

he tried for so long to be the son they wanted. he dressed, acted and spoke in all the ways he thought it could please them. youngjae doesn't remember when he entered so deeply into his own mind, but he quietly blames them, for molding him into a ghost of himself, for making him forget what is like to not be unsure or insecure, for shaping him into nothing more than a shadow of a young boy. he doesn't remember much of his childhood, but he has a lot of glimpses of them correcting every detail of his energetic and boisterous personality, how he should keep his distance, stay collected, lower his voice and to keep his words to himself. he swore to stay loyal to who he is, but now he is not sure if he still remembers how to be himself.

he has always been too much for their standards. too noisy, too energetic, too talkative, too annoying. he thinks most of his life can be resumed into suppressing what he is made of, which led him into an eternal state of free fall. youngjae has no ground beneath his feet.  as he falls further in a state of mind he has no control over, the higher his sister grows into his parents standards. she is a person, entirely and thoroughly, no problems linked to any of her components, a completely normal child with her head angled in all the right places. in the way every sohn is expected to be. yes, youngjoo is another product of the rule, while youngjae lies in the equation as the only exception.

in the end he is no longer their son, or their youngest child, or even a member of this family.

he is a nuisance, the crumbling world at his family's shoulders.

in the end, he only exists in debris. 

▼

he should have realized there was something wrong when his father woke him up on a sunday morning. he does not say anything specific to youngjae, only pats his hand soflty and tells him to gather some clothes before leaving his room, so he does. youngjae gets torn into packing summer or winter clothes since he does not know where they are going, and he does not want to disrupt the comfort of the atmosphere by asking his father that, so he simply packs both. he takes as many hats as he can, then he sits again in his bed, suddenly acutely aware of what he is doing. he freezes all over while his thoughts run into overdrive, he does not want to leave but he also does not want to upset his parents. he lies down again, feeling worse than he had in a while, hoping all his worries are just futile things. he takes a deep breath, gets up and finally heads downstairs. 

his second warning sign should have been the fact that his parents were waiting for him in the backseat of his sister’s car, maybe the weirdness of the wrinkles in their formal clothes should have been a hint or the fact of how disheveled they looked should have set him off. youngjoo looked apprehensive and slightly sorry, making the queasiness in his stomach increase tenfold. his parents made him sit in the middle of them, his mother looking intensely at his face before holding his hand, he can feel how cold and sweaty her hands are, he can feel her body trembling. suddenly younjae feels as if he has not woken up at all, still tangled into whatever dream his head has built to keep his mind busy. he feels detached from himself while the wind blows in his face, the sky in shade of dark grey, waiting for the right time to release its contents. he wants to cry, scream and hold both his parents heads in his hands while asking every question he has been bottling up during his entire life. but he only watches the road, as the first drops of rain begin to fall.

they pass close to a lighthouse, and youngjae gets excited at the sight of many people in the place. due to the light rain that started to fall, they are running in the same direction looking for shelter, blocking the road, which ends up leaving the already tiny street even smaller. the lighthouse itself isn't bigger, standing in a ledge closer to the shore, a small path leads to a red tower that looks old with its lights off, making youngjae wonder how it must look at night, how it must feel to watch it while having his feet in the sand. he can also see that at the other side of the shore, on the edge of a hill, there is another lighthouse - only white this time -, that seems to be looking over the red one. he smiles thinking about how they been keeping each other company, even if only from afar. when the people finally finish crossing the street, his sister drives on again, making the lighthouse turn into a small dot as they go further until it disappears completely, taking a little of youngjae's hope with it.

it does not take long until he can see the sea, hear its waves colliding with the rocks at shore and smell a little saltiness mingled with the rain. it eases his heart a little bit, to think they are going to spend a day at the beach, even though it is not the best weather for it. youngjae thinks that maybe this is why his sister looked so apologetic or why his parents wore a frown during the entire ride. what a pity , he thinks, but his heart is still more content now than it has ever been during the last months. the sound of the sea only grows louder as they go deeper into the tiny streets, his sister starts to slow down when they come closer to some gigantic white walls, then stops right in front of an old bronze gate, so close that youngjae can see how the painting is starting to peel off. 

“youngjae-ah, let’s go watch the sea with mom and dad, ok?” his mother’s voice quivers while the grip she has in his hands gets stronger, his hands are drenched in sweat from the prolonged contact with her. 

that should have been his third signal, how out of place this entire scenario seems, how much emotion laced in every expression his parents hold towards him, how that never happens and now suddenly they are overflowing with emotions for him, how he is now the only constant rule in his family while they all seem to have become exceptions. 

they step out of the car, go forward to the edge of the road to get a better look at the beach where only a small downhill combined with the sand separates them from the sea. he can see clearly how violently the waves are colliding at the breakwater. he keeps blinking strongly while the rain falls lightly on his face. youngjae swears that they are just standing there, watching the sea for a long time, never looking at each other or saying anything. his mother is still holding his hands while his father has an arm on his shoulders. all the calmness he collected during the ride dissipating as the waves come and go, he wants to laugh at how stupid he was, thinking this was going to end up in a good way. he gets a close look at both their faces, only to see his mother's eyelashes heavy with unshed tears, this seems to be enough to open the faucet of desperation in his heart.

he cannot help the lump that forms at his throat when the gate behind them starts to open, he whips his head quickly towards it to see what it is going to reveal. youngjoo closes the windows of the car and he panics, the grip of his mother in his hand finally gets loose and he feels as if the world is coming to and end right in front of him. youngjae is not ready to see around eight people in white clothes coming towards him and he thinks he shuts down completely before they take him by his arms. his father shakes hands with one of them and that's the final straw for youngjae. he thinks he pleads to his mother to not leave him here but she doesn't move, he thinks he can see his sister crying at the front seat but she keeps looking straight at the sea, he thinks his father is the only one that gives him a final look and youngjae hopes his screams can haunt him at night. 

he feels ashamed for believing that maybe his parents realized that staying together could be the solution instead of the problem, he feels ashamed for thinking that things could change just because he wanted them to, he feels ashamed at how much he thrashes and screams after they cross the gate, he feels ashamed for crying in front of people he doesn't know but mostly, he feels humiliated for believing that the last hours could have been anything else than a goodbye.   

he sees the world as it falls apart, eating him whole.

▼

hyunjoon and sunwoo have been eyeing the new patient ever since he arrived, exactly six hours ago.

well, hyunjoon is eyeing the new boy while sunwoo keeps him company, too engrossed into highlighting the word “warning" every time he finds it in the book. the three of them are in the main common room of the institution, along with the other new and old residents, where a introductory meeting for the new patients is expected to happen. he can see their head nurse ji changmin and their head psychiatric choi chanhee setting an older banner - with "welcome to daydream!" written in bold, colorful strokes - in the middle of a heated debate about its angle while the president of their institution, kim younghoon, looks at them amused as he eats a piece of cake. 

hyunjoon loves how unnecessarily pretty the letters look with all the spangles on them, it makes it all seem like the beginning of a big joke. hyunjoon thinks they all should be strongly offended by these meetings, at how every detail of it seems to be a mocking parade. but the thing is: he really likes the introductory meetings. how he can clap along to anything, sing his heart out to all the songs and dance to any sound that reaches his ears while enjoying all the attention he can get. depending on his mood, sunwoo also enjoys himself at the gathering: by challenging everyone who breathes to dances contests, screaming incoherently into the microphone or just quietly eating whatever changmin or chanhee give to him. hyunjoon likes him entirely during these moments. 

the meetings mostly run peacefully, being one of the fewer fun events to happen here and if they are lucky enough - if the biggest troublemakers are locked - it can even end in good terms. but normally, it takes too little to trigger the residents here, so it doesn't take long for a handful of the patients to wreak havoc inside the beige walls.

he and sunwoo pride themselves in providing the best content at both atmospheres. 

right now, hyunjoon and sunwoo are sharing a couch close to the bigger windows, the first of them poking a hole at the head of the newcomer, while said boy is sitting by himself in the stairs, holding his face in his hands as he hasn't stopped crying yet. sunwoo is pretending to be immersed in his book but hyunjoon has catch him frowning at the other boy quite a handful times. hyunjoon thinks he may be younger than both of them, at least he looks like it. he also looks smaller than them but hyunjoon might be projecting, since he hasn't seen the boy do anything else than cry for the past few hours. hyunjoon wonders what might have happened to him outside in order to hurt him like that. 

hyunjoon gets up and goes towards the boy, approaching him silently and getting down to his eye level. it takes the boy a while to notice hyunjoon in front of him, who lifts his head to acknowledge him but doesn’t take his hands from his face. being this close, he can imagine intrinsically the mess in the boy's face. he can also see the nametag in his clothes.

sohn youngjae.

"what would you say about leaving this place with me?" the boy shies away automatically at the sound of his question. he takes his hands from his face slowly, brings them to his hair and tries to even his breaths.

"can you do that?" youngjae whispers to him, he looks terrified and hyunjoon frowns at his words. how hard can it be to leave a common room? but it doesn't take much for his mind to work around what the boy has said. oh.

"he meant going to the garden, dumbass. if he could leave this place do you think he would be here?" hyunjoon freezes all over to the sound of sunwoo's voice, fearing youngjae is going to get embarrassed over sunwoo bluntness, but to the surprise of the two of them, he seems to be genuinely considering the question.

"my dear friend, how wrong you are! as a matter of fact, i am at this place by choice and i can leave whenever i please," sunwoo does care enough about his bullshit to even look at him, keeping his heavy vision under the boy's lithe frame. youngjae on the other hand, has his eyes on the floor again. "but yes, can you come to the garden with us? everyone's been saying there's a dead crow behind one of the bushes and we're the only ones who haven't seen it yet." hyunjoon hopes youngjae doesn't take his eyes off the floor just yet, and if he does, that he is not perceptive enough to catch the lie. sunwoo should be glad you can't see fingerprints on the neck of a bird.

youngjae lifts his head for one last time, with way more certainty than the other times before looking between sunwoo and hyunjoon, the first time the older inmates see his eyes without any unshed tears. the boy eyes the entire room meticulously before finally getting up, takes a deep breath and bows respectfully.

"nice to meet you both, i'm youngjae." he eyes the black and white tiles on the floor, his vision at sunwoo and hyunjoon feet. the older residents are a little taken back from the sudden politeness, but hyunjoon comes closer and pats his head murmuring an unsure nice to meet you too.

sunwoo won't ever admit, but in the corner of his vision, hyunjoon saw his lips twitching.

▼

youngjae feels as if there is a rock at his chest when he wakes up the next morning, he gasps loudly as he feels his breaths growing shallow. his chest grows tighter while he can hear his own whimpers. he doesn't know where he is or how he end up here in the first place. still breathing irregularly, he looks down to see that he is wearing a green outfit and he can see his name neatly sewn in a white thread.

sohn youngjae.

right, he is a patient now. that's how everyone who works here refers to them, they are mostly alright but he would not know better. he touches the mattress under him as he does every morning, trying to even his breaths a little bit. he can still feel himself trembling as he tries to bring his heart rate to a normal pace. he doesn't know for how long he has been here since all his days pass as a blur, every time he wakes up is monday morning after his parents dropped him here. he has had many mondays since then. his hands hesitantly touch his head, a pounding headache resting at his skull and he can feel how greasy his hair is under his fingertips. he feels so uncomfortable but there is nothing he can do to stop that.

he is taken away from his mind by a nurse coming to check on him. he cannot turn his eyes from the way lee juyeon tries to unlock the door while holding a tray with youngjae's breakfast in his right hand and his medicine in his left hands, but unsurprisingly, he succeeds. he likes juyeon, he always seem to get his moods right with just a look and carefully leads all of their interactions. he is kind all times, even when the younger is being insanely difficult. he is also the one bringing him fruits and yogurt every morning, so his head only knows positive details about the nurse.

"good morning youngjae, how are you feeling today?" he sets the tray in the bed and quickly places the medicine closer. youngjae doesn't look at it while taking the yogurt.

"i only have a mild headache, do you think i can go out today?" he doesn't face juyeon, hoping the nurse does not catch his lie. he misses going outside and seeing other people besides the nurse.

"i cannot let you go if you don't take one of these," he shakes the bottle in front of youngjae's face and sighs at the expression of the younger boy, "come on youngjae, you've been inside this room for too long and i know how much you want to go out. you just have to simply take one pill and then you're free to go!" it is true, and the boy knows that, but what juyeon doesn't get is that is not that simple. he doesn't like how the medicine makes him wake up confused every morning, he doesn't like the headache that comes when the effect fades, he doesn't like how the medicine seems to erase him completely leaving only a shell of a boy. but he is tired of being locked, so he swallows it.

"thank you youngjae, i'll see you downstairs." he smiles at the boy and leaves the room with the same grace he came. youngjae sighs loudly, suddenly feeling a wave of relief washing over him. he gets up and goes straight to the small window at the corner of this room, the first thing he can see is the sea, how it encircles the entire institution making it look as if it is adrift. it is a sunny day and most of the interns are outside at the main garden doing a group activity, that makes youngjae smile: he enjoys the activites they try to engage them into, they are mostly easy, stupid or pointlessness and yet, he has a lot of fun during them.

he runs out of the room in a heartbeat, he can hear one of the nurses screaming at him that running is not allowed but he doesn't stop. it feels so good to see something more than the four beige walls that make his room, to see black and white tiles at the floor instead of just white. he reaches the garden in no time and before he can bolt to run again two hands catch him. he quickly turns to see who is holding his shoulders, already prepared to see juyeon with a speech about safety at the top of this tongue. just, is not the nurse holding him but heo hyunjoon, the creepiest guy he has ever met - not that he has met many in the first place - who also happens to have the sharpest sense of humor while being insanely pretty, so even though he mostly doesn't get his jokes, youngjae likes being around him.

hyunjoon is extremely graceful, gorgeous and aligned in all sharp angles with small eyes so black that seem to contain multitudes. he also makes sure to remind youngjae at every possible moment about all the precious, unique and unmatched aspects of his own existence. he walks easily across the other patients and they don't see to notice him. he is constantly mesmerized at how eerily hyunjoon can be at times, as if he stops existing completely. his dazzling presence compressed in a silent form. youngjae thinks that his mother would have liked him.

"so the rabbit is finally running again!" youngjae can't help but smile at him, hyunjoon normally doesn't make any sense but his words ease youngjae's mind somehow, "how does it feel to taste freedom? did you miss me and my beautiful face?" he links his arms with the younger boy as they start to walk around the garden. he realizes that he honestly missed hyunjoon and all of his grandiose sense of being, he bathes in the warmth emanating from the older boy. he takes a look around the garden, where all the patients are engrossed in one activity: to draw what you dreamed about last night. 

“too bitter for my liking, but i would’ve gone insane if i stayed any longer in that room." he mumbles back and hyunjoon howls at that, throwing his head back in way youngjae can see the enormous collection of necklaces in the older boy neck - some of them so long they go down to his torso - it makes him look like a foreign in comparison to other patients, even though they are all wearing the same boring clothes. 

“isn’t that the reason why you were thrown there in the first place?” he asks in a suddenly low tone, tenderly touching the younger’s face, again he basks in the touch he missed sorely. youngjae cannot concentrate on anything else besides the tickling of the ornaments in hyunjoon’s neck, wishing some of them were around his own. hyunjoon notices his expression and slowly takes some of the necklaces off, looks at them carefully before handing them to him, who beams at the gesture of the older boy. 

“thank you, thank you, thank you!” youngjae beams as hyunjoon pats him on the head slowly, asking to not cause a scene for something so small. youngjae feels like he is going to combust, he spent so many days - or weeks, or months, who knows? - inside that room, so now he is filled with euphoria for every little thing. 

“youngjae, can you do me a favor in the light of my benevolence?” hyunjoon bats his big eyelashes at him as they resume their walk and youngjae wastes no time in nodding eagerly, causing hyunjoon to grin. “okay so, i need ink, but since the masterpiece i made last week with the crayons was not as apreciated as it deserved, they won’t let participate in that stupid dream activity! and you see, i finally finished the jacket with the feathers but they end up being all black and don’t go at all with the green of these clothes," he points at both of them, “so i need black ink to dye it. sunwoo already got me some, but i don’t think is going to be enough. can you get more for me?” youngjae thinks it sounds like a mission which means it’s probably going to be fun, so he accepts instantly. 

“wait, sunwoo is out already?” youngjae whispers to hyunjoon, who makes them stop abruptly to sit in the grass. sunwoo was locked in a room a few days before - or weeks, or months, who knows? -, for breaking exactly one hundred and forty two plates by throwing them at the walls. hyunjoon was the one who got the kitchen keys, youngjae was the one to suggest the idea, sunwoo was the only one out of the three of them with enough willpower to actually destroy something. 

“he is! in the end his dad paid to replace the plates," he answers between laughs, while youngjae cannot find any amusement in this, he is sure sunwoo is way more pissed now than when they first broke the plates. hyunjoon continues, "it's funny, how his dad is always here to fix the damage, but never does anything to prevent it beforehand." they both get silent after that, sitting close, shoulder to shoulder as the two of them observe the things around them. youngjae gets caught by the differences between the drawings, how grotesque and confusing each dream seems to be, feeling glad none of them are his.

youngjae gets up and moves toward the group of painters, he approaches one of the nurses that doesn’t even look at him before handing him a blank paper and a variety of paints. he does not remember what he dreamed about last night or even the night before but it doesn’t matter since all the paint is going to hyunjoon anyway. 

he decides to wander around the garden for a little longer, going further into the path of the orchid trees, letting his bare feet disappear under the carpet the fallen petals have made until he comes closer to the benches. he can see sunwoo and their head therapist lee jaehyun there. sunwoo is laying down in one of the benches under the trees, with a book and a highlighter in his hands, there are some petals over his head. this is normally how he finds him everyday. jaehyun is sitting opposite to him, a cigarette in his hand and youngjae can hear him trying to coax sunwoo into participating in the activity. this is normally how he finds him everyday. sunwoo keeps his face buried in the book, not even sparing a glance at jaehyun's direction who keeps talking, trying to amuse the younger boy with the weird details of the dream he had last night. youngjae only observes them for a while, laughing quietly at jaehyun's words and at the effort sunwoo is putting into ignoring the therapist.

jaehyun notices youngjae first, he throws the cigarette on the floor and steps lightly on it. jaehyun is a loud man who can be too childish at times, seeming to forget his own position within the institution and using every opportunity he gets to annoy the patients. youngjae enjoys him a lot, he always makes him laugh during their sessions, and the older man is constantly up to help youngjae with his antics. he comes towards the boy with heavy steps, eyeing the utensils in youngjae's hands and telling sunwoo he should help the younger boy with it. the red haired boy still pays him no mind. jaehyun sighs while giving a worn out smile at the younger patient. youngjae thinks it must be tiring to keep giving your best to everyone and hardly getting any positive outcome. 

"glad to see you back kid, are you up for a conversation?" jaehyun inquires as he looks at him expectantly. youngjae wishes jaehyun had found him sooner - he likes how he can rant about absolutely anything with the older man, and he will follow all the points of his confusing sentences -, a while ago, he was up for all the talk jaehyun could bear to listen but now the thought of addressing any of his issues makes him queasy. instead of an answer he only holds the blank paper and the paint to his face, hoping the therapist can understand what he means. jaehyun does. he nods, looking exhausted and bids both of them goodbye. 

only after jaehyun is out of their sight sunwoo takes the book out of his face, the highlighter on his mouth now since he doesn't need it, the book in question has been read countless times by the boy. youngjae is pretty sure sunwoo could recite every word by heart. sunwoo bright scarlet hair is the first thing he sees, very distinctive from the dark orange he had last time they saw each other. sunwoo gets up to make room for youngjae. 

he finds fascinating how perceptive sunwoo can be when it seems he has no interest at all. but coming to think of it, there many things he finds fascinating about kim sunwoo. hyunjoon says he is like a seasonal worker, he comes and goes from the hospital as his mood swings - normally in the summer -, but no matter what mood he is in, sunwoo has this permanent frown in his face as if he has known nothing more than annoyance since birth. this time youngjae thinks he is here for a fight that ended up badly - or has he stolen a car this time? or is he here for another act of arson? - he gets lost in the long history of the red headed boy. the thing is: sunwoo has a short temper that looks for cutting short any inconvenience. he thinks screams and absolute devastation are the only ways to deal or to resolve his issues.

still, even though youngjae can be absolutely insufferable, sunwoo always keeps his temper in check around him.

(hyunjoon says he only hasn't hit the right nerve yet.)

"what is that on your neck?" he voices as he touches the shining ornaments, and youngjae finds himself smiling again. not a single word about the time they spent separated is exchanged, not a single thought about what is said and done.

"hyunjoon gave it to me, do you want one?" he holds one black necklace as a peace offer, even though sunwoo does not seem particularly angry at him. the red headed boy takes the necklace in a swift motion and wraps it around his left wrist, he examines it for a while, then turns to face youngjae.

"why do you have all that shit? you're always the one saying how you don't remember your dreams." sunwoo gestures at all the materials he bought with himself.

"hyunjoon needs black ink so i had to take all of these to make sure no one suspected anything." youngjae feels proud realizing he finished the mission smoothly, hoping this is enough for hyunjoon.

sunwoo nods and doesn't say anything further, and that is probably one of his favourite things about him. sunwoo is a boy that breathes in the future tense, hardly addressing what has already happened, especially if there are no major consequences. youngjae takes all the remaining colors hyunjoon won't be needing and starts drawing, sunwoo gives him the highlight he has been clinging to this entire time. he is right about youngjae not remembering his dreams, but that only happens to the ones he had inside the hospital. so he focuses on drawing anything that is glued to the back of his eyelids, he ends up with a red rectangle and yellow strokes, reminding him of flickering lights. as always, his mind is still stuck to all that happened before, not even amusing the idea of going further or letting it go. now he even dwells in what hasn't happened.

if sunwoo is going to be the boy already tasting the future, then youngjae guesses this leaves him to be the boy that is chewing on the past.

▼

daydream psychiatric hospital is built like a fort. 

youngjae feels overwhelmed when he looks directly at the grandiosity of the white walls around them, suddenly feeling the weight of being placed here. sometimes there is some sort of guilt - he doesn't know about what - that engulfs him in the same way the walls do. he wishes he could be angry, lived even, for being situated within a situation he was never consulted about. 

he wishes he could express his feelings with more certainty, like sunwoo does, he cries waterfalls with a body filled with rage, he kicks and throws anything he can find at the walls and gates of the institution. sometimes, he screams at everything that is deemed inconvenient to him, he tosses and turns in the hold of the nurses, while youngjae just stays still. youngjae wishes he could also remember his anger the way sunwoo does. the red haired boy keeps this ugly feeling printed in every line of his hands, familiar to him like the books he has read countless times. youngjae feels like an empty canvas every morning he wakes up here, as if everything he could have collected in his time here has run away while he slept, leaving him behind.

mostly, just looking at him being a time bomb for destruction eases youngjae's heart a little bit, but lately is just not enough.

at least, he wishes he could distract himself in the way hyunjoon does.

the older boy has a less violent way of expressing his feelings, he moves around a lot, pretending there is no one in the word but him, existing as a invisible force. he dances and sings lines from songs no one has heard but him, he has entire conversations with himself, uses any spare paint he owns in the walls and windows of the hospital. almost every place inside and out has a little piece of the raven haired boy. hyunjoon created an entire universe inside his silence while youngjae doesn't find a single soundless moment in his. while hyunjoon seems to have left all that anguished him at the hospital's doorstep, youngjae is constantly worried. the sensation that he is missing a vital part of himself is a punctual burden he has to manage through his days. 

now he is standing alone in the backyard of the institution, a wasteland where they are not allowed - since it is too close to the walls - but knowing sunwoo and hyunjoon means not being acquainted with any boundaries.

sunwoo has been bringing him here ever since he first arrived, telling the younger about how he sometimes misses the life he had, and how sitting here makes him feel like nothing ever changed. mostly they just fool around doing whatever stupid thing that comes to their minds. sometimes he tells youngjae about his life outside, talks about friends he had in his time in school, things he enjoyed and the plans he had for the future, but he never mentions anyone in his family besides his sister, she seems to be the only one he holds precious. sometimes he doesn't say anything at all, he lies on the floor next to youngjae and looks at the sky for a long time. sometimes hyunjoon joins them and talks about the things he is going to do when he is free to see the world, how he is going to do comeback to what he loves and how he can wait to try everything he never had a chance to. he talks about his parents often, but only in the past tense. youngjae doesn't think hyunjoon wants them in his future.

normally, the youngjae is the one doing the talking. he has so much to say and for a long time, no one willing to listen, so now he keeps lending the ears of the two older boys. sunwoo and hyunjoon don't seem to be bothered by their new role, if anything, they seem relieved to have someone to fill the soundless gap that their time here is molding into them. the brown haired boy talks about nothing and everything, about his friends, his family and anything else he finds relevant enough to mention. alone in the backyard, he looks at the sky and thinks about what he would be doing now if he wasn't here, but somehow, the thought only upsets him. 

before he can go further inside his head, sunwoo comes back with a set of keys, a big smile plastered on his face only meaning trouble, so youngjae can help but smile back.

"now guess, what do you think this unlocks?" sunwoo inquires as the keys jingles in his hand, the sun reflecting directly into the golden thing, hitting youngjae's eyes.

"i guess nowhere out of here," he mumbles back to the older boy, while covering his eyes with his left arm, "and please, don't make me guess again, i've already been waiting for too long." 

sunwoo takes pity on him and leads the way until they reach an old utility room present in the backyard, it looks abandoned as far youngjae can tell, and too small to contain anything valuable. but again, this is sunwoo and he never fails to surprise youngjae. sunwoo has a bit of a hard time opening the door since it is old and rusty, so the two boys push it together with their shoulders until it is open wide. the younger doesn't enter the room - since is too small to keep two people comfortably - and waits anxiously outside. after a while, the older boy emerges from the tiny room covered in spiderwebs and sweat, his face holding the biggest grin youngjae has seen today and he can tell sunwoo has found what he came for, alongside him, a wooden ladder.

"want to watch the world for a while, youngjae?" he asks a little tired, and the brown haired boy nods vigorously. 

they both walk towards the walls, as the two of them carry the ladder that is a little bit taller than sunwoo. youngjae can't contain the excitement in his heart, suddenly wishing hyunjoon were with them. 

"sunwoo, did you tell hyunjoon about this?" he whispers, hoping the older boy did, since he doesn't think he can keep this secret from hyunjoon. 

"who do you think told me where the keys were?" sunwoo answers, amused, turning to look at him. youngjae thinks he looks impossibly young and feels relieved this is already between the three of them.

they place the ladder on the wall, sunwoo being the first one to climb up, seeming even more happy than he was a moment ago. this only fuels youngjae's excitement, who waits until the older is balanced up to follow him. climbing the wall feels all kinds of wrong, but still, he cannot stop the curiosity that crawls on his skin, and absolutely nothing can be compared to the feeling of seeing the road again in reality, not only as a well detailed piece of his imagination. he can help but laugh, feeling overwhelmed at the breeze that comes directly at them. he feels all kinds of emotions at the same time, and can't understand how he spent such a long time seeing everything only through the perspective of the square engulfing them. the two boys stay quiet, shoulder to shoulder watching the world around them.

hyunjoon takes his time to meet them, but when he does he is all dressed in black with his prized jacket made of feathers finally finished, holding the wreckage of an umbrella, black paint all over his hands. 

"i see you've found the treasure!" hyunjoon looks like a mess, at the same time he looks incredibly put together, youngjae can't deny that he is always impressed by the older boy's ability to make anything look good on him. hyunjoon moves the ladder a little so he can climb up too. 

"what are you two doing?" hyunjoon asks with no malice in his tone, eyeing them carefully.

"we're watching the world." youngjae responds calmly. right now, under the sunlight, holding their faces with no particular expression, hyunjoon thinks they kind of look like a statue, almost inhumane like.

unlikely the two younger boys who are just staying still, hyunjoon quietly decides to walk along the walls, feeling the burning sun on his left side. he goes farther and farther until he reaches the end of the wall. the next one - something that has always been strictly forbidden to them - only a jump away. 

he jumps to the prohibited wall, and for some seconds he struggles to keep his balance as the sun shines directly into his face. he puts the worn out umbrella in front of his eyes, only shielding his left side but that seems to be enough. that takes the two younger boys out of their trance.

"what are you doing?" youngjae screams at him, deeply distressed with an amount of exaggeration only he can muster. hyunjoon does not look at the younger boy, but he can picture his eyes widening in horror, "you know we're not allowed to go further!"

"i'm also watching the world, but in a broader way!" he screams loudly back at them, yet not looking at the two boys, taking his time to go on, "and yes we are, as long we're not off the walls!" this time, he carefully watches their expressions: youngjae instantly breaks into loud chuckles at the sound of his words and starts to wave his hands frantically, sunwoo holds him, keeping them both from falling while sustaining a grim. slowly, he directs the smile at the older boy. hyunjoon laughs loudly and waves back with the same intensity, his eyes locked with sunwoo.

in front of them only the wide, empty road. 

▼

they keep walking until the walls of the hospital are only a recent memory, hyunjoon leading the way even though he has no idea where they are going. they stop a lot, to marvel at every living thing they find along the way, getting a lot of curious looks from the bystanders. at some point they just sat on the walls of an unknown house, talking about how big every construction in the neighborhood seems to be. the entire place seems too quiet until they see a group of haenyeo coming in the sidewalk opposite to them, looking fresh out of the sea. they talk to each other excitedly, wide grins plastered on their faces while holding a handful of green fishing nets at their backs. only a few women from the group notice the three weird looking boys sitting at the walls - who waste no time and greet them politely - the ladies look a little startled, but unsurely greet back. then, the boys decide to resume their walk. 

they only stop again at the sound of music, sunwoo and hyunjoon easily following the lyrics with the choir, making youngjae feel out of place. they sit in the walls once again, facing a small blue chapel in front of them, the voices coming more clearly. one of the doors of the chapel opens - the voices of the choir no longer resonating - revealing two small children who are looking directly at three boys who can’t do anything but stare back. the children close the door after a while, but it doesn't take longer until it opens again, revealing more children, they come closer to the wall to take a better look at the strangers, and the younger can help but feel uncomfortable at their gazes. a moment later, a frantic man in a cassock comes in their direction, telling the children to go inside. then, only one curious gaze lies upon the trio. 

"would you like to come inside?" the stranger asks them, he has a kind smile and a reliable presence, youngjae trusts him instantly but he nods negatively, they can't leave the walls. the choir resumes their singing, and the younger boy feels the knots in his stomach again.

"what are they singing?" youngjae inquires a little harshly, he doesn't like the way sunwoo and hyunjoon keep singing along with the choir while they have a pained look on their faces. 

"it's a hymn," the stranger answers him and laughs at the boy's confused expression, "it's a song in praise of god, you should come inside and take a look. i am sangyeon, the priest at this chapel, what's your name?"

"i am youngjae, this are hyunjoon and sunwoo," he points to the two said boys as he eyes the priest carefully, a small smile on his lips, while the older boys acknowledge sangyeon with a nod, "and we can't go inside, i'm sorry."

sangyeon studies them for a while, mapping the three of them intensely, his eyes fall in hyunjoon’s feather jacket. he tells the three boys to wait and disappears inside the blue chapel. the priest comes back in a heartbeat with a ladder in his hands, sunwoo laughs at that.

"okay, now you can easily come down." sangyeon places the ladder closer to them. they don't move, instead, just eye each other slowly.

"i'm sorry sir, but it is outside the bounds." youngjae looks truly apologetic and sangyeon frowns at that.

"you are not allowed off the walls?" sangyeon questions again, and the boy vigorously nods. the priest eyes them once again, considering his options until his face lights up, "what if i go up there?" this time, three heads nod positively at sangyeon.

"it sounds great, right?" he says as he climbs the ladder. sangyeon looks expectantly at them when he finally sits. the choir is still going, youngjae feels his world quivering, "where are you from?"

"a long way from here," sunwoo answers this time, touching the crucifix at sangyeon's neck, "do you believe in god?" the red haired boy throws at the priest, and hyunjoon thinks it would be really funny if he didn't.

"well, is my job, isn't it?" sangyeon says as he takes the small cross from his neck and puts it into sunwoo's hands, "what about you, do you believe in him?"

"you really do?" sunwoo looks at sangyeon's face, playing with the crucifix while looking to catch any indication the priest is lying to him. when he doesn't find, he goes on, "there is no such thing as god, so nothing there for me to believe."

"how do you know that, sunwoo?" the man says in a serious tone. youngjae stares at the priest, looking for any trace of annoyance in his face, he only finds amusement, "have you ever prayed to him?"

"yes i have. i prayed for him everyday," sunwoo says while holding the same look as the priest, as if he is telling them his biggest secret, "but he never answers me."

"what did you pray for?" sangyeon face is a mirror of sunwoo's, and youngjae wonders if he is missing something. 

"the end of the world!" sunwoo says between laughs, hyunjoon and the priest follow him. the choir finally stops. youngjae feels like he can finally breath.

"why did you pray for that sunwoo? you're so sinful," hyunjoon says, a sly smile on his face, he stays quiet for a while until he throws at them, "i know when the world will end."

"oh you do? please, go on then hyunjoon" the priest seems to be the one enjoying this the most.

"it will end when i die," the raven haired boy tells them seriously, but sunwoo laughs harder, the raven haired boy throws the worn out umbrella at him, "i mean it! it started when i was born and will end when i die."

"come on hyunjoon, that's bullshit!" sunwoo points an accusatory finger at hyunjoon, "you created the world?"

"of course not, my mom and dad did. if there is any god to me is them, because they're the ones who created me." hyunjoon finishes, which leaves all of them quiet, pondering about what they just heard. 

all of them are little worlds then? 

youngjae wishes they would just talk about something else. whenever one of them talks about their families they have this mournful look in their faces, and the younger still doesn't know how to deal with that. he wants them to stop. 

"but they threw you away." sunwoo points out after a while, suddenly getting up. that seems to trigger hyunjoon who also gets up. youngjae feels the knot forming in his stomach again. they're at that again. sunwoo and hyunjoon normally get along well, but sometimes they will just trigger each other until they both end up hurt.

"so did your god, sunwoo. when has he ever answered back?" and that unleashes hell. the two older boys get into one more of their heated arguments, and youngjae sighs heavily. the priest tries to reason with them for a moment, but since it has no use, he quickly gives up.

"what about you youngjae, do you believe in anything?" sangyeon quietly questions him,  over the screams of the two older boys.

"honestly, i don't know," youngjae considered lying to sangyeon, since he did not want to be the only one without beliefs, but he has heard that telling the truth feels freeing, "me and god, i guess we never had time for each other."

sangyeon pats his shoulder lightly, they both go quiet, while the argument between hyunjoon and sunwoo starts to lose force. when the four of them are in complete silence, the priest takes a book out of his cossack and shows them.

"i want all of you to read this. it might fix something long broken or destroy it once and for all." the priest hands them a small book, looking deeply concerned. sunwoo takes the book and starts to walk back to where they came from, hyunjoon and youngjae follow him right away. the younger bids the priest goodbye, feeling heavy with the impression he is still missing something. sangyeon gets down from the wall, picks up one feather that fell from hyunjoon’s jacket, and watches alone as the three boys become only a silhouette. then, he heads back to the blue chapel.

"lord, please have mercy on these poor souls." sangyeon says, totally alone, suddenly feeling exhausted by the brief interaction.

he closes the door, holding the feather tightly in his hand.

the choir restarts and the world goes on. 

▼

they come back to the hospital in silence, youngjae wants to stay outside a little more but doesn’t say anything. instead, he follows them quietly. sunwoo leads them to the rooftop, another prohibited space full of clotheslines. youngjae is running around them alone, touching the freshly washed white bed sheets, smelling the fabric softener and watching as the world disappears and comes back to his vision as the white pieces block his face. hyunjoon is lying on the floor, listening to sunwoo, who is currently reading the book sangyeon gave to them. the oldest of them looks far away, his face holding a stoic expression while his fingers touch the necklaces adorning his shoulder blades. he keeps moving them in a certain way, so the ornaments reflect the sunlight right at youngjae’s eyes, who laughs at the new obstacle. sunwoo is fully immersed, his eyebrows furrowed as he goes deeper into the sentences, seeming haunted at times. then, the red haired boy starts to laugh. 

“you two should read this, god does exist!” sunwoo gets up and takes turns showing the book to the two of them, laughing maniacally. hyunjoon scoffs at him, taking the book from his hands and throwing it to youngjae, who disappears between the bed sheets again, “just listen then: it says that he was the one who made the world. it also says that he can destroy it, but believers will be saved!” his gestures wide as he starts laughing again, like he was presented with the biggest punchline in the world. 

“okay, so now what? you believe in him?” hyunjoon points at sunwoo, amused by the other boy’s behavior. 

“i will now. he can make my wish come true,” sunwoo’s face is serious as he carefully weaves his train of thought. youngjae has stopped running and is now listening to them, the black book heavy in his hand. the red haired boy takes a deep breath and goes on, “guess i’d like to know from what he is going to save me.”

“it is easy like that?” hyunjoon asks, getting up and coming closer to sunwoo, “a few minutes ago you were saying this is all bullshit, and now you suddenly accepted him. what if he doesn't want you for all these years you ignored him? what about that, huh? what about me?” he holds sunwoo’s head in his hands, sustaining a dangerous expression, sunwoo's face a mirror of his.

“it only says you have to believe, and i do now. he doesn’t get a saying in that,” he sighs lightly, his face softening. he seems a little upset that hyunjoon doesn’t get how easy it is all of this, “and well, you’re damned.”

hyunjoon starts to laugh and motions to youngjae to come closer, the younger boy does, giving the book back to sunwoo who sits on the floor again to resume his reading. 

“now youngjae, let’s just say we both believe!” hyunjoon holds youngjae's hands up in the air, while the younger boy seems unsure by this entire situation, “you see, sunwoo is going to be saved and we shouldn’t let him go alone.” that seems to be enough to convince youngjae, and the two boys take turns screaming "i believe now!"  to the heavens. 

youngjae goes back to his running, this time singing a little "save me!", here and there to the older boys amusement. youngjae meant what he said to the priest earlier, he doesn't really believe in anything. it was never a relevant topic in his existence, thinking about what might come after, pondering about an ending or even wondering about a stronger force responsible for his creation. while running, he realizes how self-centered his mind has been, his family being the main source of his relationships with the world and all of them seem to have failed. sometimes he thinks about his time abroad, about his friends, the weight of the reality there and how that time feels detached from him now. 

before coming to the hospital, he used to receive calls from them often, to talk to him about the same things. it was always "you won't believe what happened, man" or "we miss you so much buddy" and "when are you coming back?". and mostly, he never knew what to say back to them, he only laughed, whispering "soon", but he did not think about them when the call was over. he is eric with them, still not enough as who he is, constantly overdoing every action and getting himself into problems for the sake of his friends. but back then, he thinks he found himself a little in the hobbies he got into. yet, all that is overshadowed by the weight of being the boy his friends wanted. youngjae does not think he can be like that again, his parents sent him away because youngjae was not enough so he settled for eric, but that only seemed to make everything worse. so now that he is having a chance to be youngjae again, he is going to seize it. 

he marvels at how he doesn't seem to be anyone anymore. 

this time at least, he hopes he can be someone to himself.

ever since he was bought here, he feels like he has been stripped bare of himself, and for some reason, that doesn't frighten him. he was constantly rethinking actions, words and thoughts. he was burdened at how he was always feeling inadequate, at how uncomfortable his own presence made him feel. he felt so exhausted being too much to anyone's terms. and now, he can just be. no expectations over him, all the world has seen to have given up on sohn youngjae. 

now he only has to be the boy who is currently hoping for salvation. tomorrow, who knows?

he allows himself to stop to take another look at the two older boys, hyunjoon is dancing while humming the hymn they heard earlier, and that makes youngjae miss the outside world, he misses the trees they saw everywhere, the empty road with the sun burning at their back, and mostly, the quiet conversations built by unknown voices. he realizes that at the same time he misses the outside world he doesn't want to leave the hospital. here, he has been existing through the most peaceful time he ever had - maybe it has to do with the fact he doesn't remember much - and everyone here seems to have an interest in him. he just wishes that he could find a way to morph the two.

he looks at sunwoo just to watch the older boy get up abruptly, the same maniac expression adorning his face but no laugh following it. youngjae feels as if he is watching reality pull the trigger, with the bullet being a frantic sunwoo, with wide eyes that could pull the world apart. 

“the world is really coming to an end!” he says electrified, and youngjae swears he can see the fire igniting in his eyes, “through black-winged angels crying in front of the sun to flesh and blood, there so many steps! but then, all is over.” sunwoo holds the book above his head, as if he is returning it to the heavens. youngjae wishes they could give it back to sangyeon. hyunjoon eyes both of them in silence, before coming closer to sunwoo again and motioning to youngjae to follow him. then, the three of them stand in a circle.

“that’s bullshit.” it’s the only thing hyunjoon says, and youngjae is already expecting an outburst from sunwoo, but it never comes, so he gets bold. 

“he’s right, it all sounds like crap.” youngjae gathers all his courage to say, not wanting to push the red-haired boy. yet, no harsh response from the older, who just shrugs and goes on.

“it’s true. it’s all written here,” sunwoo opens the book, totally exasperated but not an ounce of anger emanating from him, “it’s the word of god, so i guess it should be worth something. besides, you all believe in it now.” and that can’t be denied, salvation is no fun if you go alone. 

“right, we don’t want you to be lonely in heaven,” hyunjoon answers, amused, and youngjae wonders if the boy is actually believing in all of this, “but does this have a deadline? i would like to be prepared.” 

“blessed is he that readeth and they that hear the words of this prophecy,” sunwoo announces with a fancy intonation, causing all of them to laugh, he doesn’t lose his composure and goes forward, “and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.” they lose their amusement as he finishes, staying silent for a moment, eyeing the floor while they digest the words. youngjae is the first to break it.

“that means soon, doesn’t it?” youngjae inquires a little unsure, and both boys nod positively at him. 

“but how soon is soon?” hyunjoon says, now serious, and the three of them proceed to look for numbers in the book, any date that could give them a hint about the upcoming end. they find a small sticker at the back cover, slightly faded and ripped at the edges. there, a single date remains. 

“tenth of july,” sunwoo reads out loud as they eye each other, all three feeling the radiating nervousness, “that’s tomorrow.” they break the little circle where they were standing, each boy going around the rooftop with heavy steps.

“is there anything you guys want to do?” youngjae throws at them loudly, after what feels like a century of silence, startling the older boys who stare at him confused, “i mean, we already know it's going to end and we’re saved anyway, so i think we should just enjoy these last moments," the younger has a reflective look in his face, gathering all his wishes for one last time, "for me, i would like to have a picnic.” he finishes and waits for them to answer him. hyunjoon and sunwoo both start grinning at his stupid suggestion. 

“the world is ending tomorrow and you would like to eat outside?” hyunjoon says as he sits down again, closer to the edge of the rooftop, motioning for the two to do the same, “that’s fair. it sounds good to eat under the sunlight, i want to go to the beach, i’m tired of hearing the sea and not being close to it.” hyunjoon and youngjae start to eye sunwoo, already expecting the last piece of their journey. 

“there isn’t anything that i particularly want to do,” sunwoo says without looking at them, he seems lost in his own head, pondering about what is going to be his last activity in the world, “oh right! i would like to see the sunset in the lighthouse.” he looks to his side to find two pairs of eyes looking at him. youngjae feels his body freezes all over, remembering when his parents first bought him here. hyunjoon brings his warm hands to the younger's back, and that is enough to remind youngjae that this is a completely different scenario.

“then it's settled, let’s go watch the end of the world!” hyunjoon gets up one last time, dusting his feathered outfit as he marches dramatically towards the door. sunwoo follows him after a beat. youngjae takes a deep breath and runs after them.

the entire world stays on standby. 

▼

the world is still the same when they face it again, so youngjae keeps wondering how the end is going to approach them. 

he thinks about big explosions, blinding lights and heat waves. he thinks about the sun combusting and taking  all of them quickly. or maybe, all the volcanoes in the hallasan mountain will awaken at the same time. is there really a way to be saved from this? mostly, he thinks that they should have spent more time with the people that surrounded them. he wonders if they should have told someone else about the upcoming end, so they could finish off doing whatever they wanted. he wonders, and wonders, and wonders. he can feel his body buzzing and his mind going downhill, maybe he is not as fine with this entire end deal as he thought he was.

he can feel the fear pumping in his veins, and he feels incredibly nervous with their recently gained knowledge. there is a lump in his throat again and suddenly youngjae is so tired, he doesn't want to do anything anymore. he is tired of never knowing how to deal with every little thing that happens in his life, he is tired of this mind that doesn't let him be, tired of never feeling satisfied no matter what he does. now, all is coming to end and he hasn't come to a closure in any of these aspects, he feels like a failure when he hasn't even started anything yet. 

"i want to go back." his shy voice takes even him by surprise, he didn't mean to say it out loud. so when both older boys turn to look at him slowly, he cannot stop the few tears that leak from his eyes. 

hyunjoon and sunwoo stop in their tracks instantly, sit down on the wall taking youngjae with them, the younger boy cries harder as the other two try to calm him down. the red-haired boy holds his hand as hyunjoon pulls him closer to his chest. he feels desperated, heart clenched so hard he swears he cannot feel it beating, he wails loudly while he mounts incoherent words at the two boys. he misses his family even though they only saw him as a problem looking for solution, he wish he could have made things work between them or at least tried one last time, even though he already knows the result.

he mostly feels sorry for himself for insisting in a lost cause.

it is his last day here so why he cannot let it go? 

he stops crying abruptly, shocking the older boys, his grip stronger in sunwoo's hands while his face is still buried in hyunjoon's chest. he has made up his mind, there is no point in dwelling over things he has no control over. if youngjae stops to consider every point of his life he regrets, he would need another life to make everything right - or maybe even more than that since he doesn’t know how things will progress -, now that he knows it will be over he should just enjoy what he has in the moment, tomorrow won't be here for him to be worried about.

"i'm sorry," he whispers, drying his face harshly. he doesn't think they will make fun of him or make any mean remark about his little outburst, but that isn't enough to stop the embarrassment that comes to him, "can we keep going?" he asks, facing the road in front of them.

they get up once again, the sun as a warm company at their backs and youngjae finally takes a look at his older friends. for the first time in a long while, he feels as if they are on the same page, he can finally understand the looks in their faces and the glint in their eyes. youngjae has always been the type to talk first, to vocalize all that his eyes could reach, most times ending up as annoying or inconvenient but that has long been an issue that bothered him. so, a lot of things go right past through him, he is not the best at reading an atmosphere or understanding glances, but again, that has never been enough to stop him to express himself. he feels a weird wave of calmness at his new knowledge, at how simple things suddenly seem to be.

maybe is due to the day's circumstances, since this entire situation seems unreal like a scenario that came out of a dream, he doesn't feel entirely in touch with himself or with his surroundings. yet, they have proof, they have a date and now they have a plan, and that should be the only things he should be concerned about.

he can't help but laugh at the image the three of them form. before leaving the hospital, they stole a basket from the kitchen without even bothering to take a look at the food inside, sunwoo said it would be good to have a surprise at their last meal. the red haired boy bought a white flag with him to hang at the top of the lighthouse, so god can find them easily. hyunjoon found a brand new umbrella, pristine white this time, contrasting with his somber feathered outfit. he enjoys deeply the idea of this being the last vision of his tired eyes, finally feeling sobered up after his outburst. he could not get anything better than this, a light heart and an unperturbed mind.

they keep walking in a steady rhythm, youngjae tries to match his heartbeats with the sound of their steps, smiling lightly when it does. his eyes glued to his own feet, occasionally he eyes the older boys to make sure they are still on the same path, luckily he has no surprises. his footsteps cease when they come closer to an worn out outdoor: the drawing of a smiling child drinking soda, warm colors all around it, the phrase "enjoy life fully!" written at the bottom with striking yellow letters, it looks like it has been here for a while since it's peeling off at the edges, but it's blocking the sun so they decide to sit under it. sitting with their backs to the outdoor, they face the street again just to realise there is someone watching them.

"wow, you guys have walked for so long i thought you would never stop!" a boy with blue hair riding a bicycle says in a loud voice. he hops off to sit at the sidewalk, looking tired, "you must be thirsty, right?" he holds a water bottle to them, he seems to be running errands since there's a small box at the backseat. 

youngjae wants to go down and take the water he is offering, he can feel the exhaustion building in his bones, how hot today is and how dry his throat is right now. but they cannot come down, and he doesn't know who this boy is. 

"i'm being very rude, huh? sorry, i'll start again", he gets up, coming closer to them. youngjae can see the sweat in his brow and how aligned his teeth are, he is a very good looking guy with a sharp smile. youngjae wants to trust him, but since the older boys haven't said anything he stays quiet, "i'm ju haknyeon and i kinda of been following you guys since we're going in the same direction," he scratches his head, trying to look for the right words. when he realizes how it has come out he starts to laugh, "please don't take me for a creep or something like that, okay? i'm working and we just happened to have the same path. where are you guys headed?"

"to the lighthouse!" youngjae can't help but to answer, ju haknyeon looks so earnest, he couldn't leave him hanging. hyunjoon smacks his arm and sunwoo tells him to shut up, which makes haknyeon laugh harder. 

"oh i see it! but let me tell you, you guys are going in the wrong way," he looks truly apologetic, "you should have turned left on the last gas station, then you would see a bridge and then, you should just go straight up to the hill." 

they whip their heads to where the last gas station should have been, is not that far, but after walking for so long youngjae wonders if it's still worth it. 

"are you sure about that, biker? we've been walking for a long time, it wouldn't be good to mess that up." sunwoo says to the boy, it sounds harsh but youngjae knows he means no harm. ju haknyeon just nods, totally unaffected by the red haired boy. he sits on the sidewalk again, then takes a little bundle off the basket of his bicycle, unwraps it revealing a box of tteokbokki . 

“totally, but are you guys sure you want to go through all this? the hill is not that high, but it’s still tiring to climb anyway”, he unwraps his chopsticks, "i guess you guys must be hungry too?" this time youngjae doesn't deny the desperate pleas of his body. he gets off the wall in a heartbeat, sitting carefully besides haknyeon, he eyes the older boys just to see them coming closer. they would need to get off the walls anyway to adjust their path, so why not do it with a full stomach? 

"what are you going to do at the lighthouse?" ju haknyeon asks, mouth full of tteokbokki so they have a hard time understanding him.

"we're going to watch the end of the world." youngjae eyes the older boys as he answers haknyeon, not sure if he should be so honest with the boy, but none of them seem to have complaints. ju haknyeon on the other hand chokes on his food as a hysterical laugh builds up at his throat. youngjae pats his back, laughing with him, sunwoo and hyunjoon follow them. 

"oh really? is it happening today? how do you know it is going to end?" youngjae can't tell if he doubts him, he seems rather curious even if the smile at his face looks mocking. 

"no, it's happening tomorrow, sunwoo read about it. we have proof if you don't believe." youngjae realizes he is being petulant when haknyeon raises his hands in surrender. 

"nah, i'm good. thanks for telling me though." he takes another big piece of tteokbokki , totally unperturbed.

"aren't you going to prepare anything special?" this time sunwoo inquires haknyeon. rather than eating desperately, sunwoo is focused into hydrating himself. 

"not really, if it's actually the end, i would like it to be over as if it's just another regular day," he chews his food before moving on, "you know, i just want to lie down in my bed at night and think about how fun today was, then it can be over." he gesticulates vaguely with his chopsticks, hyunjoon starts clapping after he finishes talking, making haknyeon laugh again. sunwoo nods slowly to haknyeon's answer, as if he said exactly what he wanted to hear.

they eat in silence after that, the three of them taking shy bites while haknyeon eats vigorously, humming random songs as he chews, youngjae has fun watching him. what he finds most interesting about him is how kind he has been to them for no reason at all, they haven't been that generous in exchange but the boy's excitement hasn't faltered. youngjae guess this is the kind of thing that lingers. if the world went on he would remember ju haknyeon for a long time, even if he never saw him again. 

after they are done eating, haknyeon offers to take them to the bridge, so they can follow the right path. their new companion talks about every detail of their path as a guide, explaining everything from the neighborhood's architecture to every little flower they see at the sidewalk, his loud voice resonating as they go, he has sunwoo's white flag tied to his hand. youngjae feels permeated by his light presence, haknyeon's good mood passing through all of them. he senses the ache in his heart grow again, the comfort of the situation finally catching into him, and he feels the alarming desperation of realizing you're living something great, but that it will end soon. he spends the rest of the walk trying to calm himself down one more time, listening to the three voices around him while he tries to engage himself into the conversation. 

he thinks bitterly how funny it is that someone as talkative as him can't seem to find the right words, so before he begrudgingly stays quiet, trying to stop himself once again ruining a moment he should just hold dear, youngjae chooses one thing. 

“haknyeon-hyung, can you lend me your bicycle for a while?” the other boys don’t go further on talking after his request, now all eyes lay on their new companion. 

“you can, but stay close and don’t attempt anything dangerous!” for the first time since they saw each other, ju haknyeon holds a serious expression, one finger pointing to youngjae as a warning. youngjae gives him a mocking salute before taking the bicycle. haknyeon ties the white flag to his bike, saying that if he falls it won't scratch it very much. he stays close enough to hear their chatter, ju haknyeon thunderous laughter echoing through his chest, but far enough to take a good look at his surroundings peacefully.

he goes further to get to the end of the bridge first, only stopping when he hears other voices, the sound of a joyful melody engulfing him. there's a handful of people clapping along to two performers, youngjae cannot see their faces since the sun is shining directly at his eyes, but his body moves instantly with their song. before he gets the chance to hop off the bike unsafely, sunwoo comes running in front of him, making him stop abruptly. he parks the bike close to a lamppost so him and sunwoo can take a closer look. one of the performers is playing a keyboard while he sings, he has a delicate face and a well aligned smile and youngjae can take his eyes off the dyed hair he supports, the white part resembling a crescent moon. the other boy is a little bit more muscular, he has light brown hair and he plays the guitar with his eyes closed, from the way he is seeing it, he looks like an angel. 

youngjae adores the way the sun is casting a halo around them, making them look like something out of this world. 

ju haknyeon tells them that the two boys are foreigners who perform regularly in the summer, how they just randomly appear with no particular place or time set. 

"oh, they're just like sunwoo then!" hyunjoon points with a mocking tone. ju haknyeon only tilts his head to the side, confused by the declaration. the red-haired boy just ignores him, while youngjae braces himself for an impact that never comes. he hopes sunwoo doesn't bite back with a comment about how hyunjoon's family threw him away. he wishes hyunjoon wasn't so careless about sunwoo's situation.

the thing about these two is that they're the different sides of the same coin. youngjae knows they're both sent to the hospital for an impulse, a moment of hysteria in a mind clouded by a heavy heart. he never asked directly what they both did, but he knows about the damage done to two different bodies, by two different hands that opened a door for the same place.

before he can say anything, ju haknyeon pushes them closer to the crowd, so they can enjoy the song for a while. youngjae feels torn about it, he can see the older boys feel it too. they know they have to keep going, and every stop is a step further from their arrangement. but coming to think of it, when will they ever get a chance to experience this again? youngjae feels as if this is the longest day of his life, but not in a bad way at all, he feels himself far from every boundary his family has set for him. in a moment where he should be questioning every thought and action, he is more and more certain of what he wants to do. he leads sunwoo and hyunjoon for a dance, holding their hands as they start to circle around ju haknyeon. their attention is stolen by the performers, the light strumming of the guitarist makes sunwoo stop at his tracks, while hyunjoon is immersed by the lovely sound of the keyboard, youngjae watches the way they relax slowly as a familiar melody engulfs them. this time youngjae doesn't feel left out so he turns his attention to the musicians, letting the new sounds surround him. 

they don't notice when ju haknyeon leaves, only missing him when the song ends. closer to the lamppost where the bicycle was parked remains the basket they brought from the hospital, hyunjoon’s white umbrella and haknyeon’s lunch box with some leftover tteokbokki .

the world shifts with the start of another song.

▼

climbing up the hill turns out to be the hardest past, due to the tiredness mingled around their bones. the path is made of rocks, surrounded by orchid trees and at the moment they are the only ones there. when haknyeon said it was not that high he was not lying, but their bodies don't seem to cooperate. youngjae can see the other two gasping for breaths, the sun a little more harsher since it's getting close to setting. he is the first one to stop, going close to one of the trees and sitting below it.

"i think we should just have a picnic here, i can't go on." youngjae pants as he talks, sweat dripping from his brow. 

they both sit down with him, no word is exchanged as they enjoy the light breeze coming through the trees. sunwoo opens the basket youngjae has been carrying, to finally take look at its contents. he takes one look and bursts out laughing. he takes out three bottles of water, haknyeon's box of tteokbokki, a round metallic box full of gyuasang, one tangerine and one small lantern. the three boys take desperate gulps of water as they open the boxes to start eating. youngjae takes the tangerine and the small yellowish lantern into his hands, and at his first try it doesn't work. sunwoo takes it from his hands and beats it on the floor, the lantern lights up.

"as expected, only you could fix something with violence." hyunjoon takes one gyuasang to his mouth, chewing it slowly as he watches sunwoo. 

"right, one of us should know how to use it other than to destroy." sunwoo sips a little on his water bottle, before he turns his attention to the tteokbokki.

youngjae is too tired to tell them to stop, mostly because he knows their banter doesn't mean anything, so he just keeps eating. maybe is also due to the tiredness why he mouths his next words carelessly.

"sunwoo, have you ever killed anyone?" he gets shocked by his own words. he could have worded it better. he shouldn't have said anything at all. sunwoo is going to hate him at the end of the world and there's no way he can fix it. beside him hyunjoon lets out the loudest laugh youngjae has ever heard from him, only adding to his misery.

"why the sudden question? you finally can smell it on him?" hyunjoon is wiping the tears from his eyes. 

sunwoo on the other side is still. not drinking or eating, and for a second youngjae doubts he is even breathing. before he can apologize for his stupid comment, sunwoo comes back. 

"he didn't die, i guess. the wound was deep, but it didn't take long for help to come," sunwoo answers thoughtfully, and youngjae is even more shocked, "it was my sister's teacher, i had to do something before he came closer to her. everyone said i exaggerated like i always do, but i can't forget the look on her face every time she saw him. i couldn't let anything happen to her, so i gave him a warning." 

youngjae lets his words sink in. hyunjoon also holds a serious expression, focused on sunwoo's face. youngjae feels as if he understands everything now. he knows this was not the first time sunwoo was brought to the hospital - hyunjoon always says he is a troublemaker that goes too far -, knows it probably wouldn't be the last if the world went on. but that seemed to be his most serious act. from what hyunjoon told him, this time was the one that actually took a tool on sunwoo, the one time he didn't pass the gates laughing at his havoc, since he wasn't sure if he was successful. 

yet, sunwoo doesn't seem to hold an ounce of regret, and youngjae knows how transparent the red-haired boy is, so even though it might not have worked in the way he imagined, he would be inconsolable if he had just stayed still. 

"don't you wanna know what i did, youngjae?" hyunjoon is wriggling his eyebrows at him, and even though he doesn't know the details, youngjae is always impressed with how lightly hyunjoon takes his matters. 

"only if you don't mind telling me." youngjae eyes him carefully, falling to follow the gigantic grin in the raven-haired boy's face. 

"he destroyed his brother's face, that's what he did." sunwoo starts before hyunjoon even has a chance, the older throws a small rock at the red-haired. youngjae lets a chuckle escape.

"excuse you, i was defending myself from that lunatic!" hyunjoon motions widely, putting another gyuasang at his mouth, "you see youngjae, how he wrongs me? but this time he is correct, you know? me and my brother, we never clicked. so we spent most of our lives trying to get rid of each other. but i guess it took me a while to realize he was being serious about it."

"at least now, your parents know which brother you are." sunwoo takes his first gyuasang, laughing along with hyunjoon, while youngjae digests the news that the oldest has a twin.

"he was always imitating me, it was annoying. it was like having a shadow. he kept doing petty stuff that would scare me or hurt me, but he never went too far." hyunjoon sighs loudly, he looks peaceful.

"yet, he never stopped bothering you. you forgot to mention how many things he did to you pretending it was an accident." sunwoo completes bitterly while youngjae blinks in surprise.

"he tried to kill you?" youngjae questions loudly.

"countless times! unlike him i'm not competitive, so when i dared him to take things further he accepted, but in the end i was the only one to actually do something. has anyone told you how many chemical products are dangerous to the human skin? we don't look similar anymore," hyunjoon takes a big gulp of water with his last gyuasang. youngjae observes him for a moment, there is no resentment or guilt which leaves him calm, he wouldn't want hyunjoon to carry something like this. listening to both of them leaves youngjae queasy again.

“i don’t think you guys should be in that hospital, it doesn’t make sense. it should have been dealt with better care.” he feels himself getting fired up again, the bitter taste at the tip of his tongue. the tangerine untouched in his hands. 

“what should have been done, youngjae? who would be most suitable to deal with any of this?” sunwoo tone is nothing more than placid, but he feels the weight nevertheless, “my family, his family or yours? weren’t they that decided this is the best outcome, what more can we do?” sunwoo finishes, and youngjae finds nothing more to say, so he starts to peel the tangerine.

"well, none of this matters, right? the end is close and nothing done or undone here has any weight to it, so why bother ourselves with meaningless things?" hyunjoon says as he places the boxes and the lantern back in the basket. again, they start to climb. 

when they get to the lighthouse the sun is already setting, as if the world finally took a deep breath to let the truth sink in. as if it's starting to understand its current situation. or maybe that's just how youngjae feels at the sight of the white-colored lighthouse in front of them. he remembers seeing it from afar when his family first brought him to the hospital, so rather than the awe of seeing it up close, it feels like he is reunited with an old friend. the thought of his family doesn't bring as much anguish as he thought it would, mostly he just wonders if after this period without him around, they were able to find some peace of mind. he feels physically exhausted from all the walking, so he sits on the floor with sunwoo to watch the sunset. the red-haired boy has a small smirk on his lips, proud of them for getting there at the right time for what he wanted to see. from the edge of the hill he can hear the waves crashing loudly at rocks at the bottom, hoping this and the saltiness in the air are enough for hyunjoon, who wanted to watch the sea.

the raven-haired is the only one standing while he watches the waves come and go from the breakwater, youngjae and sunwoo are sitting in the steps of the small stairways located at the bottom of the lighthouse, way more affected by all the walking and climbing they did. the flashing lantern inside the tower is working non-stop around the same pattern: one flash, pause, four flashes, pause, three flashes, end. youngjae cannot wrap his head about the meaning of this exact pattern, but he can’t take his eyes off the flashing lights.

“it means ‘i love you’,” sunwoo tells him quietly, his eyes still glued to the vivid orange sunset, “the flashing, it’s just saying ‘i love you’.”

“huh, how do you know that?” youngjae eyes him suspiciously, but before sunwoo has a chance to finish his thought, hyunjoon interrupts. 

“come here, youngjae”, hyunjoon puts his right arm around his shoulders, “do you see that red dot at the other side?” his long fingers point to the other shore - youngjae follows them instantly -, not that far from the one they are now, the silhouette of another lighthouse stands. the red-colored one he first saw on his way to the hospital. he remembers when his sister’s car stopped right in front of it, how hopeful he was for a second, “this one here and the red on the other side are linked. the red one was the first to be built, it was the dream of woman who lived in this island, she wanted to build something to protect the residents of her hometown, so she did it”, he links his hands with youngjae and starts to swing their linked arms, “so her husband, in an act of love for her, built another lighthouse on the other side so his wife’s creation wouldn’t be alone.”  

“i’m glad he did, i mean, i know i could do a lot of important things on my own and they all would have a great meaning, but i would rather have company. i guess he felt like this too.” youngjae stares at the red lighthouse intensely, sunwoo is by their side now. 

"well, it's really coming to an end." sunwoo says after a while. he looks peaceful under the orange light, his face free of the regular frown he always wears. he looks impossibly mature, like all that is being presented to him finally makes sense. he seems so in sync with himself, and youngjae realizes how wonderful sunwoo already was, and how much he can grow if he is comfortable with himself. he also realizes how much he adores him. 

"it is, but it doesn't mean it has to be over." hyunjoon is still holding his hand and youngjae realizes sunwoo has an arm around his shoulders. youngjae always thought that hyunjoon said many things that made no sense, but maybe he was the one that wasn't listening in the right way. now he feels that no matter what the older boy says, he will understand deeply, as if every sentence mouthed by him scar straight into his heart.

youngjae feels as the silence creeps through his body as he watches the orange sunset, his legs feeling too weak to support his weight. he lets himself fall onto the floor, the rough cement scratching his skin. for a moment he thinks about the bruises he might have, but time won't allow his body to bruise. 

time never allowed his body to do many things.

his throat closes and he prepares himself for the tears that never come. he doesn't feel entirely sad, just raw at the face of a conclusion. so he takes a couple of deep breaths until his mind feels like it's his again. there's too much comfort at his heart for him to understand, youngjae feels as if he is in a parting hug with someone he has had great times with, but now it doesn't make sense for them to coexist anymore. 

so he stays quiet, savoring the goodbye. no word leaves the mouth who spoke with no barriers. instead, he adorns his face with a small smile as he watches sunwoo and hyunjoon in front of him - the older still clinging to his hand -, two figures frozen by the eternity of this while, the sun as a golden crown in their heads. he can vividly see the multitudes they contain. in the beginning, he saw two worlds collide with one another, only to come together again. at first he couldn't understand how an end could turn out to be a fresh start, but the outcome is now shining as two bodies in front of him.

youngjae thinks all of this is really amusing now. all things they have put themselves through since the world was ending, when they have witnessed it countless times. inside him, he knows, they have been through all of this before. he brings one hand to his eyes to block the sunlight so he can see them better, to look at the magnitude of the boys in front of him. two worlds who have held this entire universe together for him, two worlds he has touched with his bare hands, two worlds he has met at the fall of his own so he has nothing to fear. the world has come apart long ago for him and then it was redone by his unsure hands, so now it might be a matter of just redoing it again.

when he gets up the sky is already permeated by an auburn color, the last remains of the sun leaving them slowly. he looks for hyunjoon’s white umbrella, but realizes they forgot it in one of the orchid trees. then, he tries looking for sunwoo’s white flag, only to realize ju haknyeon took it with him. he smiles to himself realizing nothing they planned has worked out, yet, he couldn’t be more satisfied. lastly, he looks inside the basket they brought, where only the empty boxes and the yellowish lantern remain. he takes the lantern, which again doesn’t work when he first tries, so he beats it on the floor like sunwoo did, until it lights up. both lighthouses are working fully now, since the night is approaching. 

he starts to imitate the pattern flashed by the white lighthouse, the one, four, three coming easily from his fingers. hyunjoon is the first one to notice the small flashes behind them, turning to youngjae with all his teeth at display. youngjae flashes the lantern quickly at his face until hyunjoon takes it from him to do the same, after a moment he turns to sunwoo to do the same thing. he seems surprised for a moment before he lets himself be touched by the small flashes. the red-haired takes it from hyunjoon and points the yellowish thing at both of them. until it becomes a game where they take turns doing it. at last, the lantern dies down. calmly, they sit down again to watch the lighthouses at their full capacity. 

in silence, they smile as one more world crumbles.