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“You’ll be blonde again for the comeback,” the company tells him one day, after a particularly gruelling dance practice. Sanghyuk wipes the perspiration from his forehead with the sleeve of his T-shirt and nods. He really doesn’t mind at all. In fact, he’d always liked having his hair dyed—the crazier the colour, the better.
The last time he was blonde, he’d felt like an entirely different person. He liked how during interviews and music shows, or simply traveling as a group from schedule to schedule, eyes were drawn to him instantly. Sure, he was the tallest among the members, but somehow, he always managed to blend in with the background.
For the first time since the group’s debut, he’d felt noticed. Sanghyuk has come to realise that he liked the feeling. A lot.
Before being an idol, back when he was just plain old Sanghyuk instead of VIXX’s Hyuk, he was used to being the coolest, the funniest, out of his group of friends. To be suddenly placed in a group where he oftentimes feels overlooked is beyond frustrating. He’s grown to love his hyungs, of course... but even he has to admit that he doesn’t always fit in, isn’t always on the same wavelength as the rest of them.
Truthfully speaking, he isn’t an amazing vocalist like Taekwoon, lacks Jaehwan’s charm and wit, isn’t good-looking and passionate like Hongbin, doesn’t have Wonsik’s talent in composing and writing, and he certainly doesn’t possess the warmth and steely determination that make Hakyeon such a great leader.
How pathetic, Sanghyuk thinks to himself. More than a year in and he still hasn’t quite found his place.
-ϟ-
With their comeback slated for the start of next month and only two weeks to record three new songs and pick up the choreography for their title track, Sanghyuk feels the pressure. They haven't had a break since their last comeback and he’s practically running on empty. They all are. A continuous cycle of hours upon hours of dance and vocal practices before crawling into bed just as the sun is peeking out of the horizon is nothing out of the ordinary for them by now.
With so little sleep and so much to do, it isn’t surprising that everyone around him is on edge, so much so that Sanghyuk feels like he’s in the presence of a ticking time bomb. Even Jaehwan, whom they can always count on to lighten the mood, seems to be bogged down by something. Sanghyuk thinks he has an idea what it might be.
"Fantasy concept idols"—that's what they call them. But this time, their comeback doesn't let them get into a character of some sort, doesn't let them rely on a cool story and dramatic make-up to get by. It's just them. And who knows if that's enough? It's frightening, the thought. Times like these, Sanghyuk keeps to himself more than ever, afraid to do or say anything that could set any one of them off. It's better to suck it up, anyway. No one likes a whiner.
-ϟ-
Hakyeon is tasked to come up with the choreography for their comeback. He struggles to keep his cool as he runs through the new moves over and over again with Jaehwan and Hongbin, hours after their scheduled practice has ended. A hand on his hip, he purses his lips before sighing heavily.
“Your arms are not angled enough,” he says, walking over to adjust Jaehwan’s stance once more. He gestures at their mirror reflection and mimics the move the two are struggling to perfect, “Like this. It’s not hard.”
Wonsik holes himself up in a room with his laptop, writing and rewriting his raps, while Taekwoon takes Sanghyuk aside to help him practise his lines.
“Sanghyuk-ah, you’re still not singing in the right key,” Taekwoon says in his usual quiet tone, but his brow is furrowed and Sanghyuk can sense that his hyung’s patience is wearing thin. Sanghyuk closes his eyes and tries again.
“That’s slightly better. Do it again, but try not to slur your words as much,” Taekwoon says.
Sanghyuk winces slightly. Taekwoon’s never been one to mince his words. But still, Sanghyuk is thankful. He needs this. If he ever wants to get any better, he needs someone to tell him as it is, and Jaehwan’s usually too nice to ever say anything constructive enough for him to work on. Yeah, he's glad he's got Taekwoon.
By his fifth try, Sanghyuk thinks he may actually sound almost good enough to record, if Taekwoon’s small but encouraging smile is any indication. Taekwoon places a hand on Sanghyuk’s shoulder and squeezes lightly.
“Keep working hard,” he says before slipping away, chugging from a water bottle. He wipes a stray drop of water from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. Sanghyuk tries not to stare.
Amidst a flurry of album photoshoots, Sanghyuk spends what little free time he has going through his lines over and over again, determined not to mess up during recording. He stops only when he feels his throat starting to hurt. He's not an idiot, knows it'd do nobody good if he wakes up with a sore throat and can't record his lines on the actual day.
-ϟ-
Their first recording session takes place on a Wednesday morning. Right from the moment he wakes up, Sanghyuk already knows it isn't going to be his day. He’d not only overslept; in his mad rush to down his breakfast, he’d also managed to royally piss Taekwoon off by spilling coffee all over his favourite sweater.
In the car, Taekwoon broods, more so than usual, and glares out the window, earbuds firmly stuck in each ear. Great, Sanghyuk thinks. There goes his only ally.
The car is quiet, except for Wonsik's snores. Sanghyuk ends up talking a mile a minute, filling up the space with mindless chatter. He attributes it partly to the nerves for the recording, but he’s also a little guilty for being the cause of Taekwoon’s sour mood. He brings up the weather, the passing trees, the pretty blue-grey colour of the overcast sky, and oh, we should all really play basketball again like we did a month ago because that was so fun... wasn’t it fun?
“Sanghyuk-ah...” Hakyeon begins gently from the front seat. But Sanghyuk fails to hear the warning in the leader’s tone.
He hurtles on, talking about everything and really, nothing at all. He’s in the middle of making a crap joke about something or another, when Taekwoon’s voice cuts through, like a knife.
“Will you shut up?”
Even if Taekwoon's back is facing him, Sanghyuk can imagine the thunderous expression on his hyung's face. Sanghyuk shuts up.
-ϟ-
Everything is wrong. It’s too early in the morning and his morning voice has barely cleared, not to mention he’s still a little groggy from the two-hour sleep he managed to squeeze in the night before. The booth feels stifling. Sanghyuk’s nervous but he keeps Taekwoon’s comments in mind as he records his part. But still, it goes less well than he hopes.
“Did you even practise?” their vocal instructor chides. “It’s only two lines. Jaehwan was in and out of the studio in less than an hour. Why is it so difficult for you?”
At that moment, he can’t help it, can't stop the thought that flits through his mind. He resents Jaehwan. Resents how he’s good at everything, while Sanghyuk has to work so damn hard to even come close to measuring up. But just as quickly as the thought comes, it goes, and Sanghyuk feels horrible for even thinking it in the first place. He knows better than anyone how hard Jaehwan has worked to get to where he is now.
He's only too familiar with his hyung's sillhouette as he tiptoes into their shared room after one of his late night dance practices. This was the same Jaehwan who'd sympathised when Sanghyuk was feeling disheartened about his lack of lines in 'Super Hero', the same Jaehwan who'd willingly given up a part in 'Rock Ur Body' just so Sanghyuk would be able to showcase something in their first comeback. Sanghyuk is anything but ungrateful.
He stammers an apology and tries once more, feeling a sense of dread as the familiar music starts up again. It doesn't go any better the third, fourth or fifth time.
Sanghyuk squeezes his eyes shut, bracing himself for another lecture. He darts a glance past the vocal instructor, at Hongbin, Wonsik and Taekwoon, all seated outside and waiting for their turns. But he can't quite meet their eyes.
Sanghyuk’s lower lip wobbles slightly and he fixes his gaze on a spot on the ceiling. He will not let them see him cry. Thankfully, the vocal instructor calls for a time-out, rubbing the nape of his neck and sighing.
"Sanghyuk-ah... Why don't you take 15 minutes and go and clear your mind, whatever it takes... and then come back and record again?"
-ϟ-
With his back pressed against the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest, Sanghyuk lets his head fall back as he closes his eyes. He's always liked coming up to the rooftop, not for any other reason except that it was a place where he could get some momentary peace and quiet away from back-to-back schedules, away from VIXX. As their comeback inches closer, Sanghyuk finds himself coming up here more and more often.
He's taken back to more than a year ago, the day he was in the recording booth for the very first time. He'd felt so out of place, and there was no one who was able to tell him clearly what he was doing right or wrong. He'd been so uncertain then. Hongbin had called him out on his inability to focus, but he's sure he's gotten a lot better since. But maybe... maybe that was all in his mind.
Back during a dance practice a week before their debut, Hakyeon's words had served as a wake-up call. Hakyeon had reminded him of how Daewon and Nakhun were eliminated, trainees with far more experience and who were honestly, a lot better than he was. Maybe even wanted it more than he did. Then, everyone couldn't hide their surprise when it was Han Sanghyuk, the 17-year-old boy from Daejeon who could barely sing or dance, who was chosen to debut in VIXX instead of the two of them.
"You have to completely fill that position, so you have to double your efforts," Hakyeon had said.
Sanghyuk had broken down in private, not understanding why they were all ganging up on him that way. It wasn't his fault their CEO had seen something in him, had believed in his potential, even if Sanghyuk himself hadn't. He didn't choose to waltz in and disrupt the teamwork that they'd already established amongst themselves.
But if there's one thing Sanghyuk's gotten good at over the past year, it's learning how to better hide his feelings. He's never once forgotten his hyung's words either. Fill that position. Double your efforts. He'd triple, quadruple, quintuple his efforts, if that's what it takes.
Soon, it wasn't so difficult anymore. He'd found a certain joy in performing, loved the way the sweat dripped down his back as he perfectly executed a particularly difficult move. He didn't know he could feel that way until he stepped onstage for the first time (a real stage, not a music show broadcast where he'd spend half the time trying to keep track of all the different cameras), to an audience of no more than 50, lights shining down on him. Suddenly, the cropped jacket that had felt a little too tight, the pants that were a little itchy around the ankles, and the haircut that looked stupid earlier in front of the waiting room mirror; they all ceased to matter. He was invincible.
A water bottle drops in his lap, startling him with a gasp. He looks up and immediately flushes. Taekwoon.
"Thank you, hyung," he says, uncapping the bottle and taking a swig. "I don't know what's wrong with me today," he mumbles.
Wordlessly, Taekwoon takes the spot next to him, hands lightly clasping the railing as he looks out at the rows of buildings. He waits.
A comfortable silence settles over the two of them. Sometimes Sanghyuk thinks that he and Taekwoon are similar. They've both never been the kind to say a lot, much preferring to sit back and watch as the drama unfolded in front of them. Maybe that's why they got along so well, both never feeling the need to say more than is necessary. As long as the person he's with understands what he means, then that's all that matters.
Sanghyuk watches, mesmerised, as the wind plays with the strands of Taekwoon's dark hair, lifting and falling with each passing breeze. He lets himself indulge for a little while more, and when it gets too late to ignore, he finally says, "Let's go, hyung. I have to go back down and record." He makes a move to stand up just as Taekwoon silently holds out a hand. Sanghyuk grasps it, pulling himself up.
"You'll do well," is all Taekwoon says, is all Sanghyuk needs to hear.
-ϟ-
During the first week of comeback promotions, their Inkigayo stage gets cut by half a minute. Nobody is more upset about this than Hakyeon, who'd spent many sleepless nights perfecting the choreography and painstakingly teaching it to the rest of them until they could execute it like how he'd envisioned it. Of course, he tries to keep it together, painting on a smile for the sake of the members and the fans, but Sanghyuk knows better, knows that some part of their leader blames himself for it.
No one mentions how Sanghyuk's lines in the second verse somehow get switched with Hakyeon's, just as the company wanted. "Now we need to make a stronger impact with a lesser amount of time so Hakyeon will be taking over Sanghyuk's lines," they explain. It makes sense for the most popular member to command a larger amount of screen time... and Sanghyuk isn't good enough, is what they don't say. But Sanghyuk always had been pretty good at reading between the lines.
It's nothing personal, they'd emphasised. Sanghyuk thinks that's stupid because there's no other way to take it but personally. It's a fact that he has always known, that he was nowhere near as popular, or talented, or good-looking as the rest of them. He'd always thought that he was able to make up for it with his determination and effort. Apparently not.
-ϟ-
That night, their manager closes one eye when Jaehwan suggests that they buy a dozen cans of beer from the convenience store on their way back, closes the other eye when they start cracking the tabs open and drinking openly in the living room. No one notices that Hongbin and Jaehwan have gone missing until they appear a few minutes later with matching grins on their faces and a green bottle in each hand.
"Somaek! Somaek!" the two of them chant, lining up all the bottles carefully on the table as their manager rolls his eyes. "Remember we have a fan sign tomorrow evening, so don't do anything stupid," he says sternly before heading to the bathroom, a towel around his neck. Hakyeon sends him a grateful look.
Hakyeon relaxes against the couch and watches the members with a small smile on his face, glad that most of them can handle their alcohol. One less thing to worry about tonight. He takes a large sip of his beer and sighs contentedly. He doesn't usually like to drink (doesn't like to lose control) but today... today, he thinks he needs it.
"No, no, no, you have to get the proportion right!" Jaehwan insists, snatching the soju bottle from Wonsik's grasp and filling a shot glass to the brim. He expertly pours the liquid into a larger glass and tops up the rest of it with beer.
"Now watch and learn," he brags, plunging a spoon into the glass, eyes shining with excitement as the cocktail fizzes and spills over onto the table. He laughs, swooping in to slurp the froth at the top of the glass.
"Hyung!" Hongbin frowns at the sticky mess, already standing up to get a towel from the kitchen. Jaehwan just smacks his lips noisily and looks at Wonsik with a conspiratorial smile before the both of them dissolve into laughter.
No one takes into account that Sanghyuk isn't exactly of drinking age, but he's quite fine just watching them anyway—keeping an eye on Taekwoon, if he's being honest with himself. (He isn't.)
-ϟ-
"Taekwoonie! My lifelong friend!" Hakyeon slurs 20 minutes later as he drapes himself over Taekwoon, head plopping onto his broad chest and arms snaking loosely around his waist. He'd just polished off two large cans of beer and was more than a little intoxicated.
Taekwoon wasn't exactly sober either. He'd never been very good with alcohol, and one can was usually enough to do him in. You'd never be able to guess with the way his face betrayed no emotion. The only telltale sign was how his movements were far more languid than usual... not that Sanghyuk was paying any attention.
Sanghyuk huffs when Taekwoon doesn't push Hakyeon away and he has half a mind to pull the leader off him himself. Oblivious, Taekwoon simply sips his beer and blinks sleepily. He catches Sanghyuk's eye and waves him over.
"Sanghyuk-ah..." he calls softly.
Like a dog drawn to a bone, Sanghyuk immediately pads across the room and squeezes in next to Taekwoon on the tiny couch, Hakyeon's slender body taking up more than half the space. He's acutely aware of how he's practically sitting in Taekwoon's lap, tries not to think about how he can feel the heat coming from Taekwoon's entire arm as it presses up against his side. Sanghyuk's face is very, very red, for someone who hasn't touched a single drop of alcohol.
Taekwoon rests his head on Sanghyuk's shoulder, natural, like he's done it a million times before, instead of just twice. Sanghyuk wasn't counting. He wasn't.
"I don't like it when you're sad," Taekwoon says, mouth moving close to Sanghyuk's ear (too close), soft hair tickling the side of his face. He ignores the thrill that darts up his spine as Taekwoon's warm breath fans against his ear. Sanghyuk can faintly register the sounds of laughter and glasses clinking together in the background.
He squirms in reply. "I'm not sad, just..."
Just then, Taekwoon reaches up and brushes the pad of his thumb across the crease along Sanghyuk's forehead. What was Sanghyuk going to say? He can't remember now. Taekwoon plays with Sanghyuk's hair a little, slides his hand down to rest on his cheek. The skin underneath Taekwoon's palm feels like it's on fire. Taekwoon is using his thumb to rub small circles around the corner of Sanghyuk's mouth. Sanghyuk holds his breath, heart pounding. God, Taekwoon could be so unpredictable sometimes.
Sanghyuk can't remember ever falling in love with Taekwoon. Try as he might, he can't pick an exact point in their history when his feelings developed into something more, something so big, he sometimes has trouble containing it. He guesses it's probably a gradual buildup. The attraction was definitely there the first time he laid his eyes on the tall, quiet trainee with the dark, unwavering eyes. Sanghyuk's never let anyone this close to him before, never felt like he could or even like he wanted to, to be honest. He doesn’t know how or when it happened but somehow, somewhere along the way, the hyung that he started out being the most afraid of, became the one he depended on the most.
Out of nowhere, a burp escapes Hakyeon, completely shattering the moment. It startles Hakyeon awake and he giggles, stretching and accidentally hitting Sanghyuk's face in the process. It doesn't hurt, but Sanghyuk blinks and holds his cheek. It's still burning.
"My cute Sanghyukkie," Hakyeon coos before closing his eyes again and burying himself deeper into Taekwoon's arms.
"Hakyeon hyung!" Jaehwan says suddenly from across the room. He places his glass on the counter top and stands up. "Come on, I'll take you to your room." Sanghyuk thinks he must be imagining things when he sees Jaehwan send him a wink as he drags Hakyeon away.
"H-h-heeeeey! What d'ya think yeeer doin'?" Hakyeon mumbles, jabbing a finger into Jaehwan's chest.
-ϟ-
Sanghyuk is starting to get a crick in his neck. He doesn't know how long he's been in the same position with the arm rest of the sofa hard against his nape, but he doesn't dare move. Taekwoon's long body is curled up against Sanghyuk's chest and he's playing with the hem of Sanghyuk's loose cotton T-shirt absent-mindedly. Sanghyuk can't stop watching the movement of Taekwoon's fingers. He thinks that maybe he's living in an alternate universe and this isn't real. Maybe this is all a dream.
Taekwoon suddenly looks up at Sanghyuk, brows furrowed and eyes screwing shut, as if he's staring directly into the sun. "Am I dreaming?" Taekwoon murmurs, eyes half-lidded, voice groggy with sleep. "...Is this a dream?" He reaches up to touch Sanghyuk's face gently.
"Hyung." Sanghyuk's voice is quiet.
"This must be a dream."
The look on Taekwoon's face is making Sanghyuk nervous. He gets the sense that something is about to happen, but he doesn't for the life of him, know what. This is when Taekwoon decides to press a firm kiss to the corner of Sanghyuk's mouth.
Oh.
A million thoughts run through his mind. Sanghyuk can barely contain his emotions. His heart is beating wildly and his whole body feels so very hot and- Is this really happening?
"Stop being drunk," is what he says instead.
"I... I can't."
Sanghyuk sighs, closing his eyes in defeat. "Go to sleep, hyung."
-ϟ-
"Oh!" Sanghyuk jerks awake. He makes an unintelligible panicked noise and almost rolls off the sofa but is instantly held back by the wrist. "You're so noisy in the morning," Taekwoon says without a single trace of the malice that the words lend, eyes kind. Does he remember...? A sleepy smile makes its way onto Taekwoon's face. His eyes become crescents and some of his teeth are showing. Sanghyuk suddenly finds it hard to breathe. He lets himself be swept away.
In a month's time, Taekwoon would get injured a day before their goodbye stages, and then it'll be Sanghyuk's turn to take care of him. Once their stages wrap up, Hakyeon would tweet out an apology to the fans for the lacking promotional period. A little regretful, but still, thankful that each day, they're able to stand on a stage and do what they love to do most. They'd also embark on their first global showcase and Sanghyuk would get to see Europe for the first time. In four months, they would go on to win first place on a music show, and it'd become one of the most important moments of their career.
But Sanghyuk can't see into the future and Taekwoon is Sanghyuk's present. Right now, all he knows is that Taekwoon is right next to him, and he's making these really soft sounds as he breathes and his eyelashes are fluttering against his cheeks and Sanghyuk wants, more than anything, to press his lips to them. He's starting to feel that no matter what life is going to throw his way, maybe, he can take them on. Maybe, it won't be so bad.
Sanghyuk settles for lacing his fingers through Taekwoon's. He hopes it's able to convey all the words that he can't quite bring himself to say. Yet.