Chapter Text
Deep inside, Yuuri always thought that he would die earlier than his family. He had all of these complications and his childhood was filled with many visits to different hospitals. But that didn’t stop him from doing what he loved.
And there were three things that Yuuri loved more than anything in the world; his family, music and skating.
The latter two had always been his passion. And he could confidently say that those saved him from spiraling into depression. He refused to sit and let all of his complications bring him down, So what if his lungs, sight and hearing were weak? He could make do with what he has.
Music found him as a child with nothing to do but stay in bed, and skating brought him freedom once he was able to stand on his own.
Violin was the first thing he could learn as a child. He heard the patient in the room next to his playing once, and in his curious state, he snuck a peak. It turns out, she was a cheerful and upbeat lady who was kind enough to teach him for free. She had an old violin, which she gave to him with a huge smile on her face, and Yuuri beamed for the rest of the week, engrossed in playing the instrument. He absorbed the lessons like a sponge, and by the end of almost three weeks, he could play the basic chords. She would visit every day with a warm bag of pastries and a song in her heart. Even on the times when he wasn’t admitted to the hospital, he still visited her and learned the violin. And when she was out of the hospital, they would often meet in his family's inn.
But one day, the lady stopped visiting him in his room. In Yuuri’s young five-year-old mind, he could not understand why the kind lady next door stopped visiting his room every morning. She wasn’t in the hospital too when he tried to visit her once. She was just gone. He never knew what happened to her until her parents brought him the news and her violin. They thanked him for bringing light into her life, till her last breath. And that was the first time Yuuri was exposed to death, and the thought scared him.
When the kind lady was alive, she would often tell Yuuri to live his life how he wanted, before it was too late. She said that she wanted to try ballet when she was still younger, but she never really got into it. So he learnt it in her stead. And at six years old, Minako sensei said that he was good at it, despite his early complications. But Yuuri always felt like something was missing.
Until at seven years old, he found skating, and fell in love.
If there was one thing that he could be proud of was his persistence. In fact, his family would usually call him a ‘Genius of hard work’, to which he would quickly deny. However, his resilience would usually meet his lack of confidence. He loved music, and he also loved skating.
But he was no genius (to him at least), and he was not healthy by a long shot. But he had ambition and drive. So he simultaneously learned music and skating, and when he just hit nineteen, his hard work had paid off and he was already one of Japan’s best skaters. He would skate on and off seasons, alternating with skating and music competitions to help keep the family business afloat when all the other onsens closed. Sometimes he wins, and most of the times he loses, but the thought of having a goal was exhilarating to him. To him, learning to play and skate was not enough. He wanted to have some purpose in learning the craft. That was the reason he completed.
“I’m sorry. You would probably have at least a year or so left to live. It’s not set in stone, but you need to prepare yourself. I know you are probably in shock right now, but...”
He may have toned out the doctor’s voice, but he made sure not to lose the smile he had and remained calm in front of the doctor. While it’s true that he thought he would die early, he didn’t mean confirming at as soon as twenty-three. He was too focused on living his life the way he wanted he forgot his limits. He could never tell this to his parents. They would feel responsible when there was no one else to blame but himself. He was the only one to blame. He would always brush his parent’s concern about his health and always face life head on, pushing aside his problems, health and now his life.
More than a month later, he came in sixth with his scores being the lowest in all of his years of skating, his beloved toy poodle vicchan running towards the hands of Kami, and just the general feeling of being judged, left out and forgotten. Add to injury when Victor thought he was a fan despite literally competing with him an hour ago. But maybe that was for the best. People would remember him as the person who flubbed his last year of skating and who came home a loser. People would forget him eventually. Chances are, no one would even know him when he eventually dies in a year.
He was left a puking mess in the bathroom after his parent’s call. He wasn’t sure if it was because of his condition or because of his anxiety. He was too overwhelmed that he didn’t notice someone watching him with wide eyes by the door as he coughed up blood.
The journey home was the worst. His anxiety reached its peak when he was taking his luggage from the conveyor. He just remembered, he still hadn’t told his parents or anyone else that he was dying earlier than expected.
Because, to be honest, he was so used to thinking that he would eventually die that it was almost normal. But now that it was official, he didn’t know how to react. In fact, the thought has not sunk in before the moment that he saw himself riding the train to Hasetsu.
How should he act when they see him again? How will they react when they see him back after turning his back on the world? He did not know how to break the news to them. Celestino was the only person who knew about his condition. Thankfully, the man was calm with the news, as he sat with Yuuri during that time. But as soon as they left the doctor’s office, Yuuri could feel his coach crack as he hugged his student for an entire minute and he cried when Yuuri tearfully thanked him for all those years he trained him. He just hopes that was not the last time he would see the man.
He knew that Phichit was suspicious of his sudden decision to retire. Given that he didn’t give an official statement, it was all in the clues. Yuuri packed up and left the apartment, he took all the necessary documents he needed, leaving nothing but a whole semester of his final year in college. He knew Yuuri didn’t plan on coming back. This was not the first time Yuuri fell, never this hard, but still not the first. And Yuuri’s sentimental goodbye did not help with his doubts. But the retiring skater did nothing to clear up the suspicion anyway. The following months just blurred altogether and he came home earlier than he expected.
So he came home. Minako, as well as more than a dozen posters of him plastered all around the train station, greeted him. Yuuri was known to binge eat whenever he felt extremely stressed and anxious, however, it was worse when he forgot to eat.
He was a mess, and he was well aware of that. But he would still try his darn best not to let anyone notice, at least for now.
“Yuuri! Welcome home!!! Look at you! You slimmed down a lot huh? What? Didn’t think of binge eating?”
Instead of a sheepish smile or an enthusiastic denial Yuri gave her a defeated smile. He was wearing a face mask, but Minako could practically feel the sadness radiating from that smile. And if she saw those few tears flowing down from Yuuri’s face as he shyly greeted the few people who recognized him, she said nothing about it. Because Yuuri suddenly stops as they make their way to the car, she stops as well, taking in the fact that Yuuri never once answered her questions nor talked to her since he arrived.
And as if he reads her mind, he squeaks a small greeting that relieved her more than it should. “I’m home, Minako-sensei.”
Minako didn’t teach Yuuri all those years without being able to somewhat read the boy. But instead of confronting him, she figured out that she would give him some space for now.
“We missed having you back brat.” She didn’t realize till later the first mistake, not as she held Yuuri in her arms as he hugged her tightly.
The next few days were a blur for Yuuri’s family. Because it was nearing the summer season and the inn was as busy as ever. And ever since they welcomed Yuuri back home with warm hugs. The skater fluttered between helping out at the inn, roaming mindlessly around Hasetsu to see what were the things that he missed and doing some carefree skating at the Ice Castle. It was nice to see Yuuri wind down after being stressed for a long time. His two losses and leaving Detroit must have been hard on him, they thought. Because there was no way that they didn’t notice him being less enthusiastic than usual.
He may have been gone for a few years, but he was still the son of Katsuki Toshiya and Hiroko. It didn’t take long for them to crack their son open and let all of his anxiety rush forward like a flood. He was devastated, they could understand why. And he kept it all bolted in and tried to stay strong for them. But it wasn't his job to be strong. He was still their son, and they would do anything for him. They wished Yuuri could see that they will support him no matter what his decision might be, whether he continues skating or retires. They will support him. The family had more than enough money, and they barely touched Yuuri’s winnings over the years, in contrast to what he thought. But what they didn’t know was that they had barely chipped off the surface of the ice to see how hollow their son really is.
His reassuring smiles did not fool his sister. But she didn’t understand his world that much. So she never spoke to him about what he could have been withholding further, assuming that the rest of his problems were about either his music or his skating career and that they would not understand him even if he explained it to them, so he just didn’t. Little did she know it was far from that.
Yuuri grew up not having many friends. Due to him going to the hospital often, not going to a regular school and him wanting nothing else than to practice music and skating related stuff, he was left with little to no social life.
He only had his best friend Yuuko and his protector Nishigori-kun, who stuck to him every time they could. They hung around him at the rink and would be his audience whenever he would play. But alas, they were, for one, older than him and two, they went to a public school.
And during the few times he saw himself having free time, he would notice that he would have a song in his head that he just couldn't wait to write down. There was no way he would willingly sit down and read a book and do nothing else simultaneously, nor would he want to garden and kill so many innocent plants because he can't seem to grow anything but grass. He competed for a short time, but he retained all his knowledge of playing instruments and didn’t care about the technical aspect that much anymore. What was important to him was that he could play. So he wrote songs, and when he learned what YouTube was, he would record on his laptop and upload it on the net. At first it was only so he wouldn't lose the songs he wrote on the computer, but soon after, there were a few people who took notice of his works. There were not a lot, but there were some. And he couldn't be happier.
Apparently, he also garnered the attention of a rather special viewer.
Victor came in like a storm on a calm night. And it left Yuuri speechless and genuinely confused.
“I want you to compose a song for my free skate.” He dramatically declared in all his naked glory when he saw him that night he was supposed to take a bath in the onsen after being slobbered by a huge poodle which he initially thought was his dead dog, but bigger. Of course his parents forgot to tell him that his skating idol came to their onsen, because of course they forgot the face of the man that was all over his bedroom.
While it’s true that he managed to compose a few songs before and posted them on youtube. Oh wait, yeah he used his real name on the account. But even so, why did the skating champion want HIM to compose a song for HIS freeskate? This is Victor freaking Nikiforov! He is HIGH MAINTENANCE! He’s unreachable, He’s… He’s…
“I refuse” was his straight answer. What was he supposed to say? Yes? Then if it isn’t up to his standards then he would pay for it? No way! Absolutely NO WAY!
…..
He was able to successfully evade the russian skater's attempts for three whole days before he was finally cornered by him while he was skating figures on the ice one afternoon.
“What do you want me to do for you to accept my offer? Money? A contract?” He didn't know why, but Victor's words offended him.
"Excuse me?"
"I said I'm willing to pay anything if you make me a song that I could use for my free skate. Please!"
Yuuri could only stare at the man. Who would have known that Victor Nikiforov had that in him. He wanted to know his reasons for choosing him to compose a song for him. Yuuri knows Victor is aware of the consequences and possible disappointment. He had so many questions, but nothing came out of his mouth.
And by pure instinct alone, he skated towards the man who was currently gripping the boards hard so that Yuuri could see him vibrate.
"I don't want to Mr. Nikiforov. I don't understand why you want ME to compose your music. You will just be disappointed."
"I won't!" The man exclaimed looking directly into his eyes. "Why will I be disappointed with the work of a genius?"
"I'm no genius Mr. Nikiforov. And Even if I were, there are countless other people who can---"
"Because you're the only one who I can trust!"
Yuuri was taken aback by the sudden confession. Trust was a strong word that no one could throw easily. And that made him more confused than before.
"I'm going to retire after this season Yuuri. And I want someone who can tell my story with me. Please help me. I don't know who I can come to other than you."
There was no denying it now. And a few moments later he saw himself clutching his old violin with Victor sitting on Minako's piano expectantly.
"Have fun the both of you!" Minako laughed as she exited the room, on her way outside to who knows where. She told them that they were free to use the piano for as long as they like while she went out.
This left Yuuri with little to no support and an awkward air between the two of them.
"Are you just going to stare at me while I try to figure out a melody? It's not that easy composing you know."
"I know that! I just want to see how you play? Ohh can you play my favorite song?"
"I thought you wanted me to compose a song for you?"
"I do but that can wait, right? Please!"
Victor knew he was needy. He had always been. Growing up as a single child and under the spotlight he was never afraid to ask for anything he wanted. If they were fine they would give it, and if they didn't, they wouldn't. But with Yuuri, it's always somehow different.
"What is your favorite song anyway?"
"Liebesleid…" On that first word, Victor could see Yuuri tense up. "Love's Sorrow"
A laugh escaped Yuuri. "Such an obvious piece."
While it was true that Victor was not familiar with classical music as much as he wanted to, he still knew that this piece has a special place in his heart.
"Do you know what love is Mr. Nikiforov?"
"I like to believe that I do."
"Then you should know what comes with it. Love's sorrow, love accompanied by sorrow. It's a wonderful feeling, being loved, but it is a dreadful feeling if you lose it. So you would rather experience pain as an accompaniment than to lose love altogether." Yuuri's hands traced the strings of the violin in his hand.
"Mr. Nikiforov, do you love skating?"
Viktor stares into Yuuri's eyes, determined and sure. But as he gazed into the eyes of the musician, he could only see a sad look. Is it pain? Sorrow? Regret?
"With all my heart. However…" He paused for a moment before continuing.
"It could also suck my life away. Like the love I have for skating is draining my life as a form of rent. I have nothing but skating. It broke me several times but I can't seem to stray away from it."
Victor, albeit not looking towards the younger man's direction, knew that he was under his scrutinizing gaze. He felt that he was looking into his soul, finding an answer no one but him knew the question to. For a few seconds, it was uncomfortable.
After what seemed like forever, Yuuri seemed satisfied with the man's answer and positioned the violin comfortably. He took a deep breath in and started playing.
Victor thought back to a story about the song. A man finds himself living in a hollow life in this world. Existing, but never living. He continued on living life, discovering things he enjoyed and discarding them after he grew tired.
Then he found something, or rather, someone. A woman had brought him joy unlike any other thing he discovered. It was love.
But that moment of love didn't last forever, for the woman who gave him love disappeared. He first felt love, and now he felt loneliness, and it crushed him from the inside. Slowly, and slowly, killing him.
The woman found him in his pit of despair and lifted him up once again with her love. But there was one thing the man forgot to consider. The woman who brought him love, also brought pain with her.
Not understanding it, this time, the man wanted the pain to go away. He begged her day by day to relieve him of the pain. So one day, the woman left and brought love with her. And the man was left an empty shell once again.
This story was told by the man in front of him who stopped playing the piece.
"Why did you stop?" Victor asked when Yuuri still didn't look his way after playing.
"That was where the story ended. I skated to this piece for my free skate during my senior debut. And that was where I ended the story. You know that too right?"
That was why Yuuri couldn't look him in the face. He knew that Victor had watched the performance. "And I was supposed to play it during a competition last year, but I wasn't able to play."
"Why?"
"Let's just say… love is painful."
Victor didn't have the heart to ask more about it when Yuuri excused himself to the bathroom. He was the one who couldn't look at Yuuri this time. That's why he decided he should make the other look at him instead.
Few knew about it, but music was also a language that Victor could speak. And he didn't speak it often.
So Victor spoke. His hands softly caressed the keys as he played. The songs started silently, like a whisper, a childish glee accompanied by vigor and curiosity, then it flowed.
Yuuri just came out of the bathroom to see Victor engrossed in playing the piano with passion he had only seen on him when he was on the ice.
This wasn't Victor the Russian Ice Prince. He was just simply, Victor. No masks, no made up persona. This is a story of who he is.
Then the narrative continued, the child who was fueled by his passion and curiosity was met by a raging storm. The child struggled to keep himself steady at first, then eventually he mastered the storm, creating a perfect melody. But then it came to a point where the music was just repetitive. It was beautiful, and powerful, but now it was all the same. The notes matured, getting lower and lower as the child struggled with the weight of the storm, until it came to a crashing halt.
Victor took his hands off the piano. Finally, Yuuri was looking his way again.
6 months left