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The summer breeze gently ruffled Todd’s hair as he leant down and unpacked a small foldable chair from the large hessian tote bag he had brought along on the trip. Ahead of him on the beach Knox, Charlie, Cameron, and Meeks were already pulling their shirts off to start a game of football on the white sand. Neil stood next to Todd, chest also bare like the other boys, Todd noted, but he stood tall and still with one hand on his hip and the other shading his eyes from the sun, he was gazing at the sea that was a short distance away.
Todd knew Neil had never seen the sea; they had talked about it on their way there, squeezed together in the backseat of Charlie’s car, Todd in the middle with Neil to his left and on his right a clump of sleeping bags and a cooler filled with beer and cider, as well as food for a barbeque.
A cassette of 80s music filled the air with sound, and Meeks had sat in the front passenger seat, the only one trusted to follow the directions on the map accurately and behind them Pitts followed in his car, chauffeuring Cameron and Knox. Knox had begged Neil to let them swap when they pulled off in a layby an hour into the journey for a break, but he had refused because he didn’t want to leave Todd’s side.
Neil had been enjoying the way they were pressed up against each other, with so little space in the back. And because Todd was awkwardly forced into the middle, his legs too long for the small space he was given, their knees would knock together every so often and Neil felt a little spark every time.
Todd took notes of the countryside as they journeyed, occasionally leaning over Neil to peer more easily out of the car window that was rolled down slightly so Neil could smoke his cigarette. He had promised the Poets that he would write something to commemorate this trip, this coming-of-age holiday they had planned to offset the sorrow of an unhappy year. A lot of things had happened at Welton since the beginning of first term, but Todd had come to know that the friends around you were all that you would ever have, so they had planned this weekend away before they all went separate ways at University to be with each other and enjoy that they had survived, that Neil had.
They had eventually arrived in one piece, a miracle when one considers Charlie’s skill at driving, and how as they neared the cove that they were making camp at, the roads had begun to turn into narrow country ones with high hedges on either side. Charlie had been to the beach as a child and, assured by an aunt who lived locally, was certain that it was a hidden gem; meaning that they would be able to enjoy it for themselves and not feel the intrusion of anyone else. They’d had to walk down a steep chalk path to get to the beach that was sandwiched between two cliffsides, and it had taken three trips in all to lug all of their belongings down.
Todd broke the moment, “Sunglasses?” and Neil turned his face towards him, removing the hand that was shading his eyes and placing it on Todd’s shoulder which he rubbed gently,
“Yes please.” So, Todd turned back to his bag and rifled through all the way to the bottom and retrieved Neil’s beat-up Ray Bans, passing them to Neil who slid them onto his face and gave Todd a beaming smile, he tensed the hand on Todd’s shoulder slightly in a gesture of thanks before removing it and jogging down the beach to join in the game. Todd watched the muscles of his back move as he ran and admired how the sun glinted off his pale skin and noted how Neil still had the look of youth about him and Todd felt like he could write endless sonnets about all aspects of his being.
Todd was pulled out of his reverie by Pitts, who had been setting up the campfire ready for the evening and was now calling his name and asking for his sunglasses too. Todd retrieved them as well and threw them the short distance into the other boy’s hands before straightening himself back up again.
Pitts then also joined the game taking place on the sand and Todd was left alone by the small dunes, he sat down in his chair and pulled his notebook from the bag, jotting down all the words that came to him as he watched his friends laugh and tumble over the sand with each other. Knox was shouting something about a foul as Cameron had tripped Charlie over, but before he knew it Charlie had tackled Cameron to the ground and a light-hearted pile on began as all the boys threw themselves over each other, a tangled mess of bodies and faces amongst the glow of the late afternoon. Todd, though he considered himself not much of an artist (Neil, and all the others would contest this), scribbled out a quick sketch of the six boys and then ran his fingers over it committing the scene before him to memory.
Todd wished he could pause time and remain in this moment forever, watching the people he loved most in the world being free and having fun, he thought about how their white teeth glinted in the sun as they all grinned. How their chests rose and fell from the exertion of their game, how Knox tickled Charlie’s bare sides but then paused a moment to brush the other boy’s hair out of his eyes, Todd knew they would work everything out between them soon.
He memorised the laugh lines on Meeks’ face, and smiled at the thought of how happy memories would be imprinted on their skin forever in these small wrinkles. Todd had dreaded growing old before he arrived at Welton, the real world seemed so big, and despite being on the cusp of adulthood he did not feel ready to face it. But then December happened, and suddenly all Todd wanted to do was live and grow old with his friends by his side.
“Todd!”, Todd glanced up from his work at the shout, “get over here!” it was Charlie, who now lay under a giggling Knox. Todd couldn’t help but notice how careless and young Charlie looked in that moment, and his heart soared because he hadn’t seen Charlie look so free for a long time. Charlie often hid behind a façade of confidence and self-assuredness, but deep-down Todd knew he carried the burden of everyone’s emotions on his shoulders.
Charlie could never not involve himself, heart and soul, with his friends. He was so all or nothing, and after December he had forced himself into a maturity that didn’t suit him yet, feeling like he had to be what the others needed during Neil’s absence, and eventually when Neil did return to school Charlie remained preoccupied with watching over Neil rather than himself. Todd and Charlie had become close in the weeks after Neil’s attempt, and Charlie shut himself off emotionally from everyone except him. Knox had come to him pleading for insight as to how Charlie was doing, and Todd told him what he could, but Charlie would only tell him so much too. Todd hoped this trip would help Charlie let go of some of his anxieties and help him to see that he doesn’t have to be the strong one and it seemed like maybe that was working.
Todd placed his journal down and grasped the end of his t-shirt, stretching it over his head and removing it before he jogged over to the Poets like Neil had done earlier, and instead of throwing himself on them he just lay down on the sand next to the pile of boys and let out a long exhale. Neil removed himself from the pile then and lay down next to Todd, and shortly after all of the boys were lying back on the sand next to one another in a perfect line. Todd pretended not to notice how Neil’s fingers grasped his slightly, their arms bridging the gap between them. With his other arm, Todd lifted a hand up and pointed to the clouds,
“That one looks like Mr Nolan…” he paused and then moved his arm again, “and that one, that one looks like a dinosaur.”
“They’re the same thing, aren’t they really?” Pitts joked, and all of them burst into fits of giggles.
This continued for a while, Todd pointing his finger up at the sky and finding shapes among the clouds, and though Neil would never tell Todd this, he could not see a thing, his sunglasses were not prescription, and so every time Todd pointed to some blurry shape in the sky Neil would laugh and agree, unable to deny the boy anything.
But mostly, Neil kept his head turned on the sand so that he faced Todd and could watch all the little quirks in his features as he laughed, smiled, and grimaced at all the other suggestions the Poets provided. And like Todd had been doing before, Neil marvelled at how these moments would be etched into their skin forever in the small details of wrinkles, and how happy he was that he made it to this moment because he was going to University to pursue drama, his father having been swayed by his attempt, and Todd was going to be with him studying English, and sure there were other things that still need ironing out, but they were put out of his mind as Neil could only think about how warm he felt, how he felt this warmth spread from his bones to his heart, and how it was all because of the boy next to him.
Todd turned to face him then as well and surprised at the returned eye contact, he blushed deeply. Nevertheless, their eyes remained locked together and Todd’s mouth, that had been parted slightly in a look of wonder, curled at the corners into a smile. Instead of keeping their fingers just grasping each other, Todd intertwined them so that their palms were touching, and Neil ran his thumb gently along the side of Todd’s index finger.
Neil and Todd had never addressed their relationship in the months after December, other things felt more important. But it felt like every time a week passed their souls inched closer and closer together. Really, they didn’t need to label what they were to each other when they both knew it deep down. If they did so it would only be for the benefit of others. They were accepted by their Poets and that is what mattered most to them in the end. Neil still had bad days, and Todd will never forget the terror of that night when for a few hours they thought Neil was dead and nothing felt real anymore. He felt real now though, he felt so grounded and connected to the earth and to Neil, he considered the possibility that an invisible string was attached to the two of them that linked them together for eternity.
God only knows how long they lay on the beach for, Todd was just aware that, when he did eventually find himself rising up to stand, the sun was setting and the sky had taken on a reddish colour, with hues of pink and yellow streaked throughout.
“Red sky at night is a shepherds delight, red sky in the morning is a shepherds warning” Cameron spoke into the silence, as they all wandered back over to where they had assembled a campfire and their sleeping bags.
“Only you would know some obscure country saying” Charlie snickered, but he paused for a moment to gaze at the sky and let out one long sigh, as if he was letting everything he had cooped up for the last six months leave him all at once.
He turned to Todd then and asked, “Did you bring them?” and Todd knew he meant the letters they had all written. An idea of Meeks’, to write down all the bad shit that had happened that year and all their bad thoughts and feelings into letters and then to burn them over the campfire, he had thought it would be cathartic for them, a means of letting go of the past.
“Yeah, I put them in with the picnic basket, thought they’d be less likely to go missing there” Charlie nodded and carried on towards their small campsite where he dropped himself down onto a towel and began ordering around Pitts and Knox who were attempting to light the fire.
Meeks lit a pipe and shared it round and Cameron was throwing cans of beer to each of them from the cooler. Smoke from Meeks’ pipe filled Todd’s lungs and he took the moment to write things in his journal again, notes for later and another sketch, this time of Neil’s bare back that was now bent over as the boy knelt on the floor blowing the embers of the fire alongside Knox and Pitts, some grains of sand were still stuck to his skin and Todd took a moment to lean forward from his chair and brush them off for him. Neil turned, knowing Todd’s touch anywhere, and nodded a thank you with a small smile.
When the fire was eventually lit, they all let out a cheer, Charlie leapt up and let out one long yawp and then did a little dance around the fire, saying something about blessing it to last long and make the food taste good. Knox was shaking his head and smirking, and Pitts jumped in to say that Charlie’s logic was completely unscientific, but it was worth a try anyways and soon they were all moving about the fire dancing.
Cameron went over to the battered CD player they had brought along, valued for its ability to also play cassettes, and slotted in a mixtape he had made for the trip. The song ‘Come on Eileen’ came on and soon Neil was grabbing Todd’s hand to spin him around, and Charlie was bowing to Knox and pretending to ask for his hand to dance, then they linked arms and span in circles before Charlie dipped Knox to the ground and pulled him back up.
As the bridge of the song began, they grabbed each other’s hands and started to spin increasingly fast to mirror the tempo of the music until Charlie lost his footing and collapsed onto the sand, bringing Knox with him as well. They landed in a pile, with Knox laying across Charlie’s chest. Charlie continued laughing but Knox halted and watched Charlie’s face until the other boy noticed and his laughter died down, Charlie nodded at Knox who smiled and proceeded to lean down and kiss the boy underneath him on the lips. They were a little outside of the glow of the fire, but Todd witnessed it anyways. He had hoped this trip would see them realise what was right in front of them.
Perhaps a little inspired, he decided it was time he just seized the day too. And so, Todd grabbed Neil’s cheeks, stilling the head that was shaking from side to side in beat to the music, and pulled the brown-haired boy’s face down towards his own into a deep kiss. When their lips touched it was as if he was coming home. Todd never felt like he belonged at the big house in Vermont where his parents raised him. In fact, Todd had never felt at home anywhere, it was people who were his home, and those people were Neil and the rest of the Poets. Neil smiled into the kiss, they had completely stopped moving now and Neil moved his hands down Todd’s back and rested them on his waist. This continued for a time until the other boys caught on and Meeks let out a whoop causing the two boys to pull back from each other. Neil flashed a smile at Meeks before turning back to Todd,
“What was that for?” he asked,
“Just because. Carpe diem, and all that” and Todd leant up again to peck at the taller boy’s lips, their hips swaying together in a steady slow dance now, a new slower song playing from the cassette.
Worked up into a hunger from a long afternoon of frolicking in the sand and dancing, they got started on cooking their dinner over the campfire. Todd had made skewers of Paneer Sizzler for them all to share and brought veggie burgers for himself and Neil. Charlie had packed the rest of the food and, normally one to sit back and order everyone else around, he made it his business to be the chef for the night. He had even brought an apron with him for some daft reason that had the words ‘Kiss the Cook’ printed on them. Knox took that statement very literally, and Cameron would moan well into years after the trip that the food took a half hour longer than it should of just because Knox and Charlie couldn’t stop making googlie eyes at each-other.
Their barbeque passed by quickly, the plethora of food was no match for seven hungry boys, Neil would occasionally pull a piece off his skewer and feed it to Todd, and Todd would do the same back to him. Charlie pretended to be sick at this display of domesticity, but made no complaints when Knox began doing the same to him.
After their meal, Meeks had settled down on his towel to read a book, and every so often he would be passed his pipe by Pitts and they’d exchange some words about the novel (Pitts had read it already you see) before he would go back to it. Charlie had passed out into a food coma and napped on his towel, leaving Knox to go crab hunting in the rock pools with Cameron alone.
Todd sat on his striped beach chair, and Neil sat in between his legs on the floor in front of him and they were occupying this moment of tranquillity by having Todd trace lines from poetry onto Neil’s back and the other boy would attempt to guess the poem or the poet. They’d worked their way through Keats, Whitman, Dickinson and Plath before Todd traced a different phrase upon Neil’s back. Gently, Todd moved his fingers over Neil’s pale skin to trace the words ‘I love you’. Neil tensed up when he realised what Todd had done, and paused for a moment before saying,
“I want to hear you say this one aloud” and so Todd did as Neil asked,
“I love you, Neil” he leant down and whispered it into his other half’s ear,
“I know.” Neil reached his hand back to grab Todd’s that was resting on his chair’s arm “I love you too, Todd” and Neil raised Todd’s hand to his lips, kissing the palm and then the back of it before pressing small kisses along the boy’s knuckles. Todd brushed a hand over Neil’s hair and marvelled at how smooth it was, before tugging on it slightly to get Neil to lean his head backwards a bit, and then he leant down and pressed his lips to Neil’s in a slightly awkward upside-down kiss that was nevertheless exhilarating, their two hands still entwined.
The sun was low in the sky and the air was cooling by the time Charlie awoke from his nap, he passed around blankets and pulled on a t-shirt and baggy Welton sweatshirt that Todd suspected was one of Knox’s. The others all did the same, and they all sat around the fire to begin their planned ceremonial burning of the letters.
Todd had written his in one go, he started it as soon as Meeks had suggested it, and he left it unedited. He had so much he was angry at, so much he felt like he had missed leading up to that night after the play. It was written more like a stream of consciousness, and he had also written about his family and his loneliness before Welton. In truth, the letter was Todd’s way of letting go of everything but Neil and the Poets in his life. They were all he needed now.
They weren’t going to read them, and no one had shared them with anyone privately, just burn them one by one and watch the words go up in flames. Pitts went first, he threw his onto the fire and watched for a moment as it began to burn before turning and returning to his seat. Cameron and Meeks followed, they did a similar thing to Pitts, except Meeks picked up a stick and pressed his letter further into the flames as though he was trying to make it disappear quicker.
Todd went then, he re-read his letter to himself as he stood in front of the flames and let out a sigh as he dropped the letter on top of the wood, and he watched until it burnt out into ash. Charlie’s letter followed next, and no one said a word as Charlie watched it burn with tears rolling down his face. After the letter disappeared, he wiped his eyes and walked down the beach a bit where he stood with his back facing away from them and stared out at the sea.
Knox dropped his into the flames with perhaps a bit more haste than he had intended to, but he stayed and watched it burn letting out a curt “Good riddance” before he followed after Charlie, putting his arm over his shoulder and kissing the side of his forehead.
Neil was the last to put his letter in, and Todd knew he had been the last to finish his writing his too. He hadn’t read any of it of course, but he had seen Neil scribbling onto the paper in the car as they journeyed here, and again later after their meal he jotted something more down while he sat between Todd’s legs.
Unlike the others, Neil did not stand as he put his letter into the flames, instead he knelt down in front of the fire and bowed his head a bit before gently placing the paper into the flames, and he knelt with his head bowed until the letter was completely gone.
It was dark now and, shortly after Neil had returned to his seat next to Todd, Knox and Charlie returned. Conversation moved on from the letters and more beer was passed round. Todd noticed how the sand had lost its warmth now and pulled his sleeping bag over his bare legs to warm himself. He’d copied Charlie earlier and his upper body was now clad in a forest green knitted sweater and he and Neil were sharing a large tartan blanket as well as a cigarette.
Pitts pointed out Orion’s Belt in the sky, and for while they all sat pointing out all the constellations they could see. Todd found the Pleiades and the Plough, using his finger to guide the others’ eyes to them too. Inspired by the night sky, Neil stood up and declared that they would hold a Society meeting there and then. The usual proceedings of a Dead Poets Society meeting took place and Neil read the first poem, one of Keats that Todd had not heard before,
Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art—
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors—
No—yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever—or else swoon to death.
Neil’s voice was pleasant and soft as he read the poem from memory, he looked the happiest he had been in a long time and as steady as the stars themselves. Todd decided then that Neil was in fact the brightest star in the universe, and he thought about how he would also like to lay his head on Neil’s chest and feel him breathing for the rest of eternity like Keats had wished to do with his lover in the poem.
The other Poets followed suit and read poetry, except for Meeks who read an extract from the book he had been reading that particularly touched him, and Todd continued his usual role of secretary of the Society by taking minutes in his little notebook. But he was also making more small sketches, in the moments where the notetaking was unrequired, of the boys he loved so much and the surrounding area. He drew the moon that was now reflecting of the sea water to create a kind of shimmer effect and he thought that maybe one day soon he would realise this sketch into a proper painting, perhaps watercolour, and it could hang in the small apartment he and Neil were going to begin renting when the autumn came as a permanent reminder of this moment.
The meeting continued late into the evening until all the Poets began to feel the drowsiness of sleep, brought on by the alcohol and the days exploits that had made their bones begin to feel wary. Meeks said he was kicking the bucket and going to sleep first, grabbing his sleeping bag from Todd’s big tote and laying it out on the sand alongside the fire. Unsurprisingly since they did most things as a pair, Pitts followed not long after and lay himself down close to Meeks.
Before long they were all curled up like dogs around the fireside huddled together. Charlie and Knox had gone next, wrapped around each other under one thick sleeping bag. And Todd had watched as Cameron moved his gaze across all of them, the still forms on the floor and Neil and Todd who were leant against each other bathed in the orange glow of the fire.
“I’m glad we did this” Cameron said,
Todd nodded at him, “I’m glad too, I think we needed it.”
Cameron replied “Yeah, I think so too,” and then he rose and retrieved his sleeping bag too, before laying down on the sand and he softly said “Goodnight gentlemen”.
Todd felt cold sand on his toes at the bottom of the sleeping bag and cringed a little at the discomfort but forgot it all when Neil silently grabbed his hand and rubbed his thumb over the back of it. He lifted his legs out from the sleeping bag so that he could stand, and the two boys moved from their seats to the ground and slid themselves back under their covers, Todd lay with his back pressed against Neil’s chest.
Todd’s soul felt weightless, as if it was the smoke rising up from the embers of the fire. He knew that the memories they were making now would be the best they would have, not yet tied down by work and responsibility they were truly happy-hearted and free. He watched the smoke as it vanished into the air until his eyes drooped, lulled into sleep by Neil’s steady hand, and before he felt the full throng of sleep overtake him he looked up into Neil’s eyes and whispered those sacred words he had said for the first time earlier,
“I love you, Neil.”
The last thing Todd heard that night before he drifted off to sleep on a beach in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the moon and the stars and his friends as witness was Neil softly saying back, “I love you too.”