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I'm a mess and it's all wrong without you here
His finger hovered over the call button. V had tried to call him several times, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Call Kerry Eurodyne. Call him and apologize for his stupid behaviour.
It’s been months, he will not care about it anymore, dumbass...
V decided that he will not manage to call him and instead opened his messages and started typing.
“ I miss you...”
“Hey V, can’t sleep?”
V winced as a hand touched his shoulder and one moment later Panam sat right next to him.
“Panam, you scared the shit out of me...”
“Sorry, not sorry,” she chuckled. “What’s wrong?”
“I was lost in my thoughts.” He looked back at his phone and realized that he had accidentally clicked on send.
Fuck...
“You want to talk about it? We always have the deepest conversations when you get lost in your thoughts.” Panam teased him, but then smiled. “I’m here if you need someone to talk to.”
V sighed. He could no longer hide it anyway.
“I miss him... I miss Kerry.”
“The musician? The one who didn’t come with us?”
V nodded. “We had a fight when he told me he wasn’t coming with me and I said some pretty mean things.”
He paused and buried his face in his hands. Trying to hold himself together. Trying not to cry. Thinking back to that moment brought back so many memories. His heart ached. Breathing felt heavy.
“I also got a pretty salty voicemail from him a few weeks ago. I mean, I knew before that I had fucked up, but from then on... well, I definitely fucked up.”
Tears had begun to run down his face. He could no longer hold them back. He could no longer fight the darkness that had accompanied him for months. It wrapped itself around him like a cloak and slowly pulled him deeper and deeper.
Panam pulled V into a hug and gently stroked his back.
“I feel like I left my heart in Night City,” V sobbed. The last time he had felt this heart broken was back in his teenager years and he really had forgotten that it hurt this much. It could drown you alive.
“Like ... How can I even miss him this much? I helped him a couple of times with some stuff, we had a deep conversation, we kissed, we fucked and our relationship kinda started at this point? But I feel like I don’t know anything important about him. I shouldn’t miss him like this. I feel like I’m a dumb teenager crying over meaningless stuff...”
“You’re too hard on yourself, V. You love him and that’s a fact. How much time you two had doesn’t matter. Time doesn’t define how much you can love someone. So don’t blame yourself too much for missing him.”
Panam did not judge him. She just held him, listened to his whining and understood. V did not know what he had done to deserve this.
“Maybe I should try and get some sleep.” He admitted as he slowly stopped crying.
Panam nodded and released the hug. “If you need something, I’m here.”
“Thank you... really.”
In his tent he laid down on his camp bed and tried to get some sleep. He felt so tired, but his thoughts wouldn’t let him rest.
V sat up again. Kerry wouldn’t leave his mind until he finally called or messaged him. Dealing with his feelings was much harder than some difficult jobs he had done as a merc. He would rather put himself in danger than write this message. Or worse, call him.
He took a deep breath and opened his messages. Kerry had not answered his last message and V didn’t know if he should feel relieved or disappointed.
He sighed and started typing.
Sorry... Shouldn’t had written this. I know that I’ve hurt you a lot back then and I’m so sorry. But I just can’t stop missing you and it’s driving me crazy. So much that breathing physically hurts. Fuck this is so cringe...
I want to kiss you.
I want fuck you.
I want to cuddle with you and watch stupid movies.
But I can’t and it’s my fault. I made this decision. I wanted to go with the nomads. So I should stop whining about missing you. You’re the only one that would have the right to miss me. But I guess that’s not the case. Can’t blame you for that. I said some pretty mean things to you. I had felt so hurt that I didn’t think twice about what I was saying. I took my frustration out on you. When I thought about it later, I knew that I should have reacted differently. It was so wrong of me. But I hadn’t thought about it... about you not coming with me. And I didn’t have the courage to apologize for it until now.
Yeah... Anyway we’re close to finding something that could help me in the long run. And maybe I’m coming back to Night City. Give it a second try. And maybe you could forgive me and offer me another chance? I promise to not fuck it up again.
Love, V
The moment he had sent the message he wanted to throw away his phone and never look at it again. He was nervous and his heartbeat wouldn’t come to rest. But he shouldn’t expect much. Who knows if Kerry would answer? And he didn’t even know if he wanted an answer at all.
He tried to calm down. Breathed in. Breathed out. Even drank some water.
The moments pass by.
Nothing happened.
His nerves were on the edge.
He wouldn’t sleep that night.
His phone rang and scared the shit out of him. He looked at the screen. Kerry Eurodyne.
He answered the call.
“H-hey.” He could barely manage anything more than a whisper.
“Hey V.”
Fuck ... It was so good to hear his voice.
“H-how are things?” He tried to start a conversation. His heart was racing and it felt like he had forgotten how to keep a conversation going.
“I’m listening to my boyfriend stumbling words into the phone. Could be worse.”
V laughed insecurely.
Why wasn’t he angry at him? Why was he this chatty and didn’t turn him down. Told him that they were done.
“Why...?” There were no words. He was confused. And this call was not what he had expected. In fact he didn’t expect anything. Just plain silence.
“ I’ll even protect you from yourself , you remember? Now it’s my turn to protect you.”
“I... Ker, you deserve something better...”
“No, you deserve someone who goes with you through thick and thin. I couldn’t do it when you left the city, because I still have unfinished business here and just can’t throw everything away.”
“But weren’t you angry and hurt?” V sobbed.
“Of course I was and we have a lot to talk about when you’re back here. But your message touched me and you would give me a second chance without even thinking about it.”
V still couldn’t believe how good it felt to hear his voice. It was like listening to a nostalgic song.
“I would give you a thousand chances... I love you, Ker.” V wiped away his tears and smiled, even though Kerry couldn’t see him.
“I love you too, V. We will work something out, okay? Just come back. There are also some songs you really need to listen to!” Kerry sounded so proud and V couldn’t help but be all excited.
“I can’t wait to hear them, Ker!”
“Awesome!” Kerry chuckled. “But you should get some sleep now. Good night, V.”
“Yeah, I haven’t slept well in days. Good night, Ker.”
‘ Cause losing me is better than losing you