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“…and she feels trapped, I think. I tried to help, but I’m not really the best person for the job.” Emma’s summary of her earlier conversation with Regina was met with silence from the group gathered in Neal’s apartment. Killian eyed her, noting the way her mouth was turned down in frustration. He knew well just how much Emma hated feeling helpless. He found her hand, turning it over in his and squeezing it.
Snow looked around the room, eyes wide in concern. “I should go talk to her!” she exclaimed, crossing to the kitchen and pulling down a couple mugs. “I think she could use a friend. She needs to know she doesn’t have to go through this alone.”
David followed his wife and patted her shoulder with a nod. As Snow set about preparing a couple mugs of hot chocolate, Killian took in a breath and glanced sideways at Emma. She caught his eye and frowned. Giving her knee a squeeze, he stood from his place next to her on the couch.
“Actually, love, I think I might be a better candidate for this conversation. As much as you excel at the hope speech, I’m not quite sure that’s what Regina needs.”
Snow looked at him, surprised. He raised a placating hand.
“I know you mean well, and I’ve no doubt your support is something Her Majesty will certainly need soon. But right now, I think I may have a bit more of an inkling of what she’s going through.”
The princess considered this, and finally nodded with a sigh. She smiled softly at Killian, which eased the threatening tension that was rising in him. Though he’d been a part of their little band of heroes for a while, he could never shake the feeling that he was an interloper in their family business. In this case, though, he was quite sure that Snow’s resilient goodness was the least likely thing to cheer up the ex-Evil Queen.
“Maybe you’re right, Killian. Thank you for offering. Wait a moment before you go find her, though - I still think the hot chocolate might do her some good.” Snow returned to her task with the familiar air of motherly authority that she brought to most things. He relaxed, leaning on the counter.
He raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure she’s the type for hot cocoa and comfort?”
In response, the princess got a sharply mischievous look in her eye that wouldn’t have been out of place on any member of his crew. This family, he reflected, never ceased to surprise him.
“Add something from the flask I’m pretty sure is still in your pocket, and I think she’ll warm up to it.”
He gave Snow an appraising grin, which she returned.
Zelena spoke up from the far side of the room. “Are you sure you won’t just be an unhappy reminder of her dearly departed?”
Killian turned to examine the witch, who had fixed him with a cool expression as she lounged in Neal’s old desk chair.
Emma shook her head before he could respond. “I don’t think that’s her problem right now. It’s not about Killian coming back, or about me being happy. It’s about her.”
The clinking of the two mugs on the counter behind him turned Killian back to Snow, who patted his shoulder. “Go get her.”
With one mug in his hand and the other wedged carefully against his arm, he headed for the stairs.
After a miraculously spill-free climb, he opened the roof door with his hook to find Regina staring morosely over the city view. “Thought I might find you here, love,” he greeted, bending awkwardly to set the mugs on the table. She turned, eyed the beverages, and shot him a skeptical glance.
“Snow send you? I’m surprised she didn’t come herself. Usually she can’t resist an evil damsel in distress.”
Killian took a seat, withdrawing his flask from his jacket. “I thought that might not be what you need just now, so I intercepted. Though you’ll be surprised to hear that this little addition,” he added as he poured a healthy amount of rum into each cup, “was her idea.”
Regina almost smiled. “Maybe she’s finally learning. I’d be tempted to say you’re a good influence, if it weren’t for the blatant irony of that statement.” She delicately sat across from him, reaching for the hot chocolate.
Killian looked down into his own drink as he leaned back, the whipped cream melting into the surface slowly as he let the mug warm his hand. “That’s actually why I came.”
“To be a good influence?” Regina chuckled dryly, taking a sip. The amusement didn’t reach her eyes.
“No. For precisely the opposite reason – aside from possibly your sister, I’m the only one who knows anything of what you’re going through.”
She pressed her lips together. “Emma tried that too. You might both have fought the darkness recently, but it’s like I told her. You won. I was consumed by it, entirely, for so long I barely knew myself anymore.”
Killian just shook his head. “I’m not talking about recently. You forget, Your Majesty, that I spent centuries of my life at least as deep in the darkness as you.”
Regina examined him, looking slightly more serious. “You were only a pirate – some kind of seafaring lowlife. I was a ruler. The kind of power I had, the things I did with it –"
He was careful not to show any offense at her dismissal or her disdain. Instead, he pushed harder, interrupting her stream of self-loathing.
“You killed your father, yes?”
She looked startled. “Yes,” she said, and swallowed. “Yes, I did.”
“Well then. That, you know I understand. We’ve both done unpardonable things. Not just to strangers, but to our own families as well.” His voice was low as he forced himself to speak calmly. There were days when he was less successful at shaking off some of those things – the memories that still haunted him behind the encouraging smile he showed Emma every day. That was his point, though: that he kept trying, and so should Regina.
The queen leaned forward in her chair. “Hook, I appreciate the effort, but it’s not the same. You’re happy now. Look at everything you just went through, and you won.” She swirled the cocoa in her hand like it was a glass of whiskey. “On a better day, I’d be happy for you too, but right now the comparison isn’t helping.”
He finally took a sip of his drink, which was growing colder in the rooftop wind. He studied Regina, noticing the way her jaw was set and her eyes were swollen. “Listen, love. We both have far more blood on our hands than we’d care to consider.”
She snorted into her mug. “Or in your case, hand,” she offered, and he pressed on despite the deflection.
“But we also both found the same way to begin wiping some of that blood off.”
She gave him a hard stare, and he was well aware that the dangerous glint in her eye wasn’t something to take lightly.
“If you’re going to say love, I advise against it. In case you haven’t noticed, pirate, I don’t have that anymore – or did Hades hit you a little too hard on the head while he was providing your five star everlasting torment?”
“Regina,” he tried, catching her off guard with his directness, “if you’ll forgive my saying so, I don’t think you have. You lost Robin, yes,” he added, cutting her off before she could argue. “But when we spent that time together in Neverland, I came to know you better. And even then, you weren’t the woman I met in the Enchanted Forest. You put the Evil Queen behind you long before you met Robin.”
Regina scoffed and took another sip. She turned away, looking out over the city again, but when she didn’t contradict him he knew she was listening.
“You love your son, Your Majesty, and he loves you. Last I checked he’s still alive.”
She stared at him, expression hardening, and he hurried to continue.
“I know what it feels like to love and lose. I know what it feels like to have your past lurking around every corner, to have the darkness always creeping around your heart. But I also know that the only way to truly win against it is to hold on to what you have. Now, in front of you.”
Regina finally let a tear slide down her cheek, and he sat back again, nursing his mug.
“But is it so bad,” she said, voice bitter, “to want more? To want to have everything? Everything you have?”
“No, love. It’s not.”
“No matter what I do, I’m stuck. I do good and it only brings me pain. I suffer through it because I could never lose everyone I love, and I would rather me than them, but some days –“ She cut herself off abruptly.
“It’s ok, love,” he encouraged softly, and she took a shaky but determined breath.
“Some days that’s not enough. I haven’t stopped fighting yet, but every day I wonder if I’ll be strong enough tomorrow. And some days... I even hope I won’t be.”
He turned that last part over, watching her face twist in disgust at her own weakness.
“When we were returned to the Enchanted Forest and Emma went to New York, I thought I had lost her for good,” he remembered. “Do you know what I did as soon as I was alone? Returned to thievery, took my ship back, killed the man who had been captaining her, and betrayed someone who believed in me.”
Regina raised an eyebrow, clearly not having heard all the less savory parts of how he’d spent the missing year.
“You’re no different than I am,” she replied bitterly. “All you’re doing is proving me right. We can never escape our own worst instincts.”
“No, love, listen. Do you know what I discovered once I had taken to the high seas again? It was empty. My old life held no satisfaction, not anymore. Somewhere on the inside, I had changed, and try as I might, I could never go back.”
The queen across from him looked unimpressed. “So we’re not the same. You’re better than me. Stop telling me things I already know, Hook, it’s not helping.”
He sighed. “I don’t know why they ever called you the Evil Queen when the Stubborn Queen would have been a far better epithet,” he remarked, and then leaned forward to catch her eye. “I won’t lie and say the things you’ve done will ever just go away. But that means that the good you’ve done won’t go away either. Starting to become a hero – it does something to one’s heart. The darkness will always be waiting for you, but it won’t ever be the same. You can fight it now, in a way you never could before. Take it from me, and try to remember: you carry with you the forgiveness and love of so many, whether they are here with you or not.”
Regina rolled her eyes. “You give Snow a run for her money.”
He grimaced. “Let’s promise to keep that between us, shall we? I’d hate to have the Charmings think the pirate’s lost his edge.”
She considered him, and then raised her mug towards him. “To losing our edges,” she began, smirking at his indignation, “and to the people who helped us lose them.”
His face softened, and he clinked his cup to hers. Illuminated by the lights of the city, Captain Hook and the Evil Queen finished off the flask in companionable silence. (When Snow asked them how their conversation went, both declined to answer.)