Chapter Text
Of all the days you had to pass out at school, today was the absolute worst.
You knew it was coming. Finals had been looming for months now, and with every passing week, you felt the panic lifting higher and higher through your body. It was the day of your first exam, and to say your throat was in your mouth was a heinous understatement. Your hands trembled so quickly and harshly that it almost felt like you were vibrating; like you had batteries inside of you that were going to blow any minute and leave you with no choice but to shut down. Every step reverberated in your chest, and spots danced in front of your eyes.
This was all standard procedure, of course. When you were adopted by the Cullens, they had been given a detailed report of your struggles with anxiety, and surprisingly, the entire family had learned to cope with it really well. Carlisle helped explain the mechanics of what was happening to you, Edward was able to catch racing thoughts and Jasper quietened them with nothing more than a soft shoulder-touch and a knowing smile. Emmett, being the solid and steady vampire that he was, was brilliant at grounding you and giving you something to hold on to when it felt like the world was slipping away beneath your feet. Esme was the mother you always wanted - she knew exactly when to break you out of your thoughts and wrap you in the warmest hug you’d ever received. Rosalie and Alice were both big believers in retail therapy, and sometimes it was just nice to have someone tell you that you looked pretty whilst you twirled around in a new outfit. And Bella... though quiet and initially very stiff around you (not that she didn’t like you; it was just that the newborn hunger hadn’t quite faded yet), you had to admit it made you feel one hundred times better when you curled up in her arms, watching the light dance across the shield she covered you both with.
Overall, the Cullen family had been wonderful. Every single one of them had done their best to make you feel like part of the family, and sometimes you got so overwhelmed with affection that you would just wander into a room and hug one of them. They always accepted with a quiet chuckle and a quick squeeze - except Emmett, who was a strong believer of hugs being utterly useless unless he could wrap you up tightly and maybe lift you in his arms a little. There was only one problem.
None of the Cullens were here.
The pounding of your heart increased and you twitched your head around wildly. The now-dark spots of light in your vision meant you were going to black out. You’d never make it to your car, it was too far away. The nurse's office could be a viable option, but then again, that feeling of light-headedness was getting worse with each uneasy thump of your heart, so you probably wouldn’t be able to get there anyway. Students milled around you and it seemed like they were circling in on you, surrounding you, getting closer and closer until finally- nothing.
***
You came to in the nurse’s office, a very worried Carlisle and a slightly-bored nurse sat on opposite sides of a wooden school desk. You blinked open your eyes, before sitting bolt upright. “Wait, where- I don’t-” Carlisle was by your side inhumanely fast. He placed a hand on your shoulder and gently pushed you back down. You could feel the ice-cold of his skin through your jumper, and it grounded you a little.
“You’re alright, it’s okay. You’re okay.” His voice was soft, like always, but there was a hint of tenderness to it now that made tears spring to your eyes. Carlisle noticed this and took your hand in his, stroking his fingers up and down the back of your hand and turning to speak to the nurse. You caught a few words here and there - “fainted”, “anxiety”, “concussion”, “rest” - and you squeezed your eyes shut, your head swimming with exhaustion. You thought you were about to fall into sleep again, when you were woken by Carlisle’s voice calling your name.
“C’mon, it’s time we got you home to rest. I can drive you, my shift ended early.”
“But- but I- the test-”
“Y/N, it’s alright. The nurse has already spoken to your teachers, they all know how hard you’ve been working yourself lately. We all think you need a few day’s rest.”
“My car- it’s still-”
“In the lot, I know. Edward called him and Bella will drive it home for you when they’re back from class. Please.”
He gazed at you, turning his head and staring at you in a way that made you realise you weren’t going to win this fight. Carlisle had this air of professionalism and sincerity when he started talking medical - it made you trust him implicitly. You nodded, lowering your head and sitting up, his hand at your back. He helped you sit up, and you swung your legs around, slapping a hand against your mouth without thinking as nausea churns up your stomach. Oh right. You forgot. One of the many joys of anxiety was a permanently unsettled stomach, with a fun twist of nausea after panic attacks. Carlisle spotted what was going to happen a second or two before the nurse did - which was less to do with a sharp vampire mind and more to do with the fact that the nurse was checking her phone ‘discreetly’ under the desk - and swiped up the bin at his feet and held it in front of you as you lost the entirety of last night’s meal (despite her worrying and pleading, not even Esme had been able to convince you to eat breakfast this morning). Your eyes stung, and amidst the humiliation of it all, you could barely tell if your eyes were just watering or if you’d actually started crying. You hoped to god it was the former. The last thing you needed to worry about was rumours spreading that you passed out and bawled like a baby because they tried to make you do an exam. A solid lump formed in your throat and you sat back, willing yourself not to cry.
“I’m… sorry.” You muttered lamely, your face blushing bright red. Carlisle smiles at you, placing the bin down and taking your hands to help you off the uncomfortable bed.
“Y/N, I’m a doctor. I’ve seen much, much worse than a little vomit. Come on, let’s get you back home. Esme’s been worrying herself sick, when we got the call I had to stop her from marching down here and chewing out the principal, she thinks they’re working you far too hard.”
You smiled a little, the corners of your mouth feeling heavy and wrong as you stared determinedly at the floor, wringing your hands. Great, you think. Now you’ve disturbed everyone. Anyone else you want to get involved? Why not call in the wolf pack? God knows you’ve already messed up everybody else’s day. Stupid.
***
The car ride home was silent, but not the uncomfortable type - it was the type that made you feel safe, like you didn’t have to talk. Which was rather handy, considering the fact that your throat was so tight that it felt like a single word would cause a full-scale breakdown. Despite probably being the most sensible of them all, Carlisle drove like the rest of the family, so you were pulling down your long drive within five minutes of setting off. The lights were off, which was strange. Despite her superhuman eyesight meaning she could spot a single leaf falling from a tree twenty miles away in pitch dark, Esme always preferred to keep the lights on, even when she was home alone; she had adopted the human customs with much more enthusiasm and ease than the others (which nobody was sure of the reason why), so it seemed pretty weird that she’d be alone in the house with all the lights off. You turned to Carlisle to ask the question, but, like always, it was as if he knew exactly what you were thinking. Sometimes, you wondered if he’d been granted the same gift as Edward when he was turned, and he’d just kept it to himself.
“She wanted me to pass on her apologies. She really wanted to be home when you got back, but she hasn’t hunted in weeks - I refused to let her hurt herself any more. She knows that you and your siblings see her as a mother, but sometimes, she feels like she has to prove herself to you guys, and to me. Back when she first met Edward, she was awful - I had to drag her away from him to hunt, she hated leaving him.” He chuckled, his golden eyes warm with memories. “You would’ve thought he was a newborn baby, the way she was with him. It was like if she left him he’d… disappear, or something. She’s better now, but she still struggles.” You nodded your head, making a very urgent mental reminder to hug Esme and tell her you love her as much as possible. You tried to speak, but your heart still felt like it was pounding out of your chest. Carlisle seemed to understand, because he placed a cold hand on your shoulder, and smiled. “You’re okay. Let’s get you inside, I can make you a grilled cheese if you like.” The comment made you giggle a little; no matter how many times you heard it, hearing Carlisle - Carlisle, a man born in the 1600s - saying modern slang was something that would always put a smile on your face.
As you opened the door, it was as if someone had lifted a fifty-tonne weight off your shoulders. Home. You sucked in a trembling breath, shedding your coat and hanging it up by the entryway, toeing off your trainers before flicking the light on and settling down in the living room. Like your vampire family, you ran cold - the only difference was, you weren’t cold-blooded, you just found yourself feeling cold all the time. To deal with this, the family had bought a plethora of blankets for you (“Stop being embarrassed, Y/N,” Alice had chided you, laying out the vibrant array of blankets - one for each room of the house - she’d bought. “Besides, since Bella hates whenever I try to force her into anything that could be considered fashionable, I needed something to express my artistic abilities.” Bella scowled, and you laughed). You pulled one of these blankets around you now, shivering with adrenaline as well as the cold. You closed your eyes, and the second you did, images flashed in front of you: the exam hall, the curious faces of students above you, the pale walls of the nurse’s office. That pesky lump rose in your throat, and this time, it burned. You could hear Carlisle moving around in the kitchen - despite having the ability to move completely silently, the entire family had started making the ‘human’ amount of noise when moving around, because they had figured out pretty quickly that sneaking up on you accidentally was a one-way ticket to a gruelling panic attack - and it stopped you short. These people had taken you in. And here they were, looking after you. Your vision blurred and you pulled the blanket tighter around your shoulders, desperately seeking some sort of comfort. These people were giving everything for you.
“Are you still up for this grilled cheese? If you don’t want it, I’m sure Edward will dare Emmett to eat it, so it won’t go to waste,” Carlisle chuckled, making his way over to the living room. You opened your mouth, to thank him, to apologise for taking up his afternoon, to explain why you weren’t even able to speak properly even though it had been hours since the exam - and nothing but a harsh sob came out. You looked up at the man who had taken you in, eyes still glazed over, and that horrible sound came from you again. “Y/N, what’s wrong? Please talk to me, I can help. Please,” he whispered, placing the plate down on the table and settling gently beside you, barely even disturbing the cushions behind him. He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, a gesture of peace and calm.
That did it.
You crumbled, sobs working their way out of you with a force that made your chest ache and your head pound. You practically slammed yourself into Carlisle’s chest, burying your face into his granite shoulder and letting out everything you’d kept inside since… well, since you’d been told the dates of your finals, four months earlier. All the nights spent barely sleeping, all the days spent in a haze of desperate note-taking, all the pain, the hurt, the anger, the anxiety - it all came out in a flood of tears. It felt as though there was something inside you, some animal or creature, trying to claw its way out of your body, and the agony was like nothing you could ever have imagined. You’re fine, it was just a stupid exam, and they didn’t even make you do it, so what the hell was the problem? Your cheeks flushed bright red with embarrassment, but it was too late now. You’d been overdue for a cry for a long time now - the only difference was, this time, you didn’t have the cover of darkness or the safety of loneliness to make it feel less pathetic. But here you were, in broad daylight, practically sat in Carlisle’s lap. You barely even recognised the gentle, soft moving of his mouth against your hair as him speaking, but as your breath slowed from frantic and panicked to a slightly quickened shuddering pace - not much of an improvement, but in your condition, you’d take anything - you started to make sense of what he was saying.
“You’re okay. I promise you, it’s all going to be okay. Nothing is going to happen, I’ll make sure of it. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to need a break. You’re alright, I’ve got you.” You felt a cold hand, light as a feather, run through your hair, another pressed firmly between your shoulder blades, smoothing down your shirt and creating a steady, grounding pressure that helped you come back to the present, your eyes still misty. You pulled back slightly, freeing your hands to scrub at your eyes.
“I’m sorry, I’m being stupid,” you murmur, picking at the fraying edged of the blanket around you.
“Stop it.” You looked up, surprised at the firmness in Carlisle’s voice. He was always so quiet, so soft spoken, that this tone change was more than unexpected. “I need you to listen to me, Y/N. Look at me, please.” You obeyed. His face was warm - he looked exactly like a dad should. Kind. Understanding. “You have to stop talking about yourself like that. You deserve so much more. Don’t you understand? Crying isn’t stupid. Needing time to yourself isn’t stupid. You’re human, despite the family you’ve found, and you need to understand that being human means you’re not going to be at your best twenty-four-seven. You’re going to have days where you feel like the world is crashing down, and everyone is against you. You just have to remember that when you have those days, you also have a family of people who love you, and we’re always going to be there. No matter what. You are my daughter. A missed exam isn’t going to change the way I see you.”
Your heart swelled and you couldn’t help but smile, moving closer to Carlisle and placing your head against his shoulder.
“I love you, dad,” you said, your voice barely a whisper. He stopped for a moment - it almost seemed like he was trying to process. He turned his head and smiled, his entire face lighting up like you had just presented him with the moon on a platter. He moved a hand to ruffle your hair before wrapping his arm around your shoulder.
“I love you too.” He nudged you with his head, before grabbing the remote and handing it to you. “Now, come on. You need a break, and goodness knows I’m not needed to help the one patient at the hospital right now. What was that show you were trying to convince me to watch the other day? Something about… chess, I think?” You giggled.
“Yeah, The Queen’s Gambit. It’s supposed to be pretty good, everyone at school has been raving about it for weeks, and there’s only so long I can go dodging spoilers. Are you sure? I mean you probably know all there is to know about chess, I watched Edward play against Jasper and he said he only won because he learnt everything from you.”
“That, and he can predict everybody’s moves as they’re about to make them.” You nodded your head, smiling. God knows watching a chess game between Alice and Edward was infuriating, half the moves were made in their minds and it was nigh impossible to understand without a running commentary from the pair. You flicked to the right channel, and pressed play, the opening credit flashing up on the ridiculously oversized screen.
“Dad?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
“My pleasure, dear.”