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When Jiang Cheng steps into the café, he’s calm and collected and he inwardly laughs at his own thoughts, because the only thing he truly is is numb.
But he at least hopes it comes off as calm and collected.
He doesn’t have to be a genius to know why Lan Xichen asked to meet him here, what today’s discussion will be about, and if Jiang Cheng is being honest, he expected it to happen a lot sooner.
Because of course Lan Xichen would want to break up with him.
It was only a matter of time—always has been, really—and the only truly surprising thing about their relationship besides the fact that Lan Xichen had been willing to enter one, was the fact that he endured Jiang Cheng for this long.
So really, this talk is long overdue.
“Wanyin,” Lan Xichen greets him with a smile when Jiang Cheng finally makes it over to his table and he’s surprised to see that Lan Xichen already ordered his favourite for him.
Jiang Cheng didn’t expect Lan Xichen to waste anything on him anymore, but then again, Lan Xichen is unfailingly polite.
“Xichen,” Jiang Cheng replies as he slides into the booth and for all that he pretends to be calm and collected he can’t quite meet Lan Xichen’s eyes.
“You seem—tense,” Lan Xichen starts with and Jiang Cheng can’t help himself, he snorts into his coffee.
“Shouldn’t I be tense when you call me here to break up with me?” he shoots back, momentarily forgetting that he wanted to come off as calm and collected and when he drags his eyes up to meet Lan Xichen’s gaze, he seems honestly surprised.
“You know?” Lan Xichen breathes out, and he does seem apologetic but it doesn’t change the fact that this will probably be the last time they will ever speak like this.
“Of course I know,” Jiang Cheng scoffs. “I expected it much sooner, to be honest,” he then adds, always unable to keep even a single thought from Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng only drops his gaze again when he sees Lan Xichen wince.
“Wanyin, don’t,” he pleads and Jiang Cheng knows that this is at least half the reason Lan Xichen is breaking up with him.
His self-deprecation is simply too much for him and Jiang Cheng can’t even fault him for that.
“You are lovable,” Lan Xichen says and it’s a bold enough lie that Jiang Cheng laughs straight in his face.
“Just not enough to be loved by you, right?” he gives back and he knows that he’s making this unreasonably hard on Lan Xichen, but he can’t help himself.
He can never help himself.
“Wanyin, sometimes people just don’t fit together,” Lan Xichen whispers and Jiang Cheng scoffs, because he knows that better than anyone.
He sees that day after day after day with his parents, and in hindsight he should have never gotten together with Lan Xichen.
He’s too much like his father—gentle and soft and peace-loving—and Jiang Cheng is too much like his mother—sharp and cruel and angry.
Their relationship was always doomed.
“You will find someone who is better for you,” Lan Xichen whispers and Jiang Cheng has to give it to him, he almost sounds like he believes it. “You will find love again.”
Jiang Cheng’s mouth twists, because he knows it won’t happen.
It was already a fluke that Lan Xichen fell in love with him; it’s unlikely that Jiang Cheng will get this lucky twice over.
Sure, Jiang Cheng will fall in love again, eventually, that much he’s certain about—he always did love too easily, too quickly—but the reverse is much harder to come by.
And Jiang Cheng is definitely not going to hold his breath for it.
“Sure,” Jiang Cheng says and then rubs his forehead.
“Wanyin,” Lan Xichen says and he sounds pained.
“I’m not—it’s okay, Xichen. We both knew this was coming, after all,” Jiang Cheng says with a sigh and a small shrug, because they had known.
Jiang Cheng even expected this much earlier.
“I don’t want us to part on bad terms,” Lan Xichen says into his tea and Jiang Cheng even manages a small smile for him.
“We won’t,” he promises, because if they do, it would just be unnecessary hard.
They have to see each other regularly, because of work and because of their brother’s, and if they are constantly fighting that would just put a strain on everyone.
Besides, it’s not like Jiang Cheng can be mad at Lan Xichen for realizing his enormous mistake and getting out of dodge before Jiang Cheng’s temper can erupt and ruin something between them that cannot be repaired.
“Thank you,” Lan Xichen earnestly says and despite how much it hurts, Jiang Cheng knows that he could never be mad at Lan Xichen.
He will need some time, that’s for sure, because he loves Lan Xichen, but he will get over that.
Jiang Cheng dealt with his crush and unreciprocated feelings before. He can do it again.
And when Lan Xichen smiles at him, he knows that it’s worth it.
~*~*~
Love finds Jiang Cheng a little bit quicker again then he expected it to.
But one day he’s hanging out with Nie Huaisang and Nie Mingjue and everything is fine, and then the next day there are butterflies in his stomach when Nie Mingjue laughs.
Jiang Cheng freezes for one second, before he shakes it off.
He’s used to dealing with unattainable crushes-mostly because for him, everyone is unattainable—and he honestly enjoys Nie Huaisang’s and Nie Mingjue’s company too much to let this ruin anything.
Jiang Cheng very deliberately does not think about the fact that by now, those two are like the only friends he has left.
It’s not a thought Jiang Cheng enjoys.
Jiang Cheng excuses himself for a moment nevertheless, pretends that he has to use the bathroom, when really he just needs a moment to let it sink in that he’s in love with Nie Mingjue, and then he very heartfelt says “Fuck me.”
“And here I thought you’d rather have my brother fuck you,” Nie Huaisang suddenly says from the door and Jiang Cheng startles so badly he lets out a little yelp.
“What the fuck, Huaisang!” he hisses, but Nie Huaisang only smiles at him.
“And again, I think you should rather say that to my brother,” he easily says and Jiang Cheng’s stomach drops.
He barely accepted his own crush; he’s not ready for anyone else to know about it.
“No,” Jiang Cheng tries, shaking his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Nie Huaisang gives him a judging look, and despite having to endure Lan Wangji for entire evenings sometimes, no one gives judging looks like Nie Huaisang.
“I saw how you used to look at er-ge,” Nie Huaisang says and Jiang Cheng goes cold. “And I see how you look at da-ge now.”
“I don’t look at him any kind of way,” Jiang Cheng rushes out and then walks past Nie Huaisang to close the door behind him.
“Sure,” Nie Huaisang easily says, but he’s judging Jiang Cheng and his every life-choice and Jiang Cheng knows it.
“How can you even know?” Jiang Cheng desperately says. “How can you possibly know when I just realized it a few moments ago?”
“You always were slow on the uptake,” Nie Huaisang says with a shrug but it’s not unkind, not mean. “You’ve been looking at da-ge like that for a while now.”
Jiang Cheng wants to protest, wants to deny everything but Nie Huaisang silences him with a look.
“Do not even try to play dumb,” he threatens and Jiang Cheng deflates.
“Don’t say anything,” he pleads with Nie Huaisang, because the thought that Nie Mingjue should find out about his feelings is the single most terrifying thought Jiang Cheng has had in his life.
“And why not?” Nie Huaisang says, narrowing his eyes at Jiang Cheng.
“Because you’re the only friends I have left,” Jiang Cheng whispers. “Because I don’t want to lose this, too.”
He didn’t completely lose Lan Xichen after their break-up, but it was understandably a bit awkward and they never got over that stage. They are polite to each other and are able to do small talk, but that’s about it.
And now that Lan Xichen is dating Jin Guangyao it even got worse, in Jiang Cheng’s opinion, which has a lot to do with Jin Guangyao’s glares, but it didn’t fundamentally change anything.
That change happened before Lan Xichen’s new relationship and so now Nie Huaisang and Nie Mingjue are the only ones Jiang Cheng has left.
Alone for that, he would never say something, the fear to lose this as well too great.
“You’re not going to lose anything,” Nie Huaisang says with a frown. “You would only gain something.”
“And for how long?” Jiang Cheng says with a bitter laugh. “Until I confess and Mingjue regrettably tells me he doesn’t feel the same and then it gets awkward?”
“He might say something different,” Nie Huaisang says, but the thought that Nie Mingjue might reciprocate his feelings makes Jiang Cheng panic almost more than the thought of him saying no.
“And then what? He endures me for a while, before he too realizes that I’m too much? Too angry and too stupid and too sharp and not soft and good enough? You think I want to do that again? If Lan Xichen couldn’t stand me, you think there’s anyone out there who could?”
“I can stand you,” Nie Huaisang says and he honestly sounds a little bit hurt.
“Yeah, because you can tell me to fuck off when I get on your nerves. It’s different in a relationship, Huaisang. Mingjue would have to endure so much of my shit and he’s not going to like it.”
“You don’t know that,” Nie Huaisang tries, but Jiang Cheng only laughs in his face.
“Please. Not even Wei Wuxian can stand me for longer than a week,” Jiang Cheng says and his mouth twists bitterly when he remembers how Wei Wuxian flees their apartment more often than not lately.
“That’s because he doesn’t know how to properly appreciate you,” Nie Huaisang gives back.
‘There is nothing to appreciate about me’ is already on the tip of Jiang Cheng’s tongue but then he swallows it down.
He’s too tired to have this fight with Nie Huaisang today and so he simply shrugs.
“Just don’t say anything,” Jiang Cheng whispers instead and Nie Huaisang looks about as unhappy as Jiang Cheng feels. “Please,” he adds, when Nie Huaisang doesn’t say anything for the longest time and Nie Huaisang deflates.
“Fine,” he agrees, but he doesn’t seem happy about it at all and Jiang Cheng wonders if this is already enough to break this friendship as well.
He doesn’t know what he’s going to do if it does.
~*~*~
Jiang Cheng is not entirely sure how he ends up with Nie Mingjue kissing him, but he figures it must be a dream.
A dream now and a nightmare later, when Nie Mingjue inevitably realizes his mistake and that’s the thought that makes Jiang Cheng push Nie Mingjue away.
“Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue says and he looks at Jiang Cheng with such an intense feeling that Jiang Cheng can feel himself blush, but he still shakes his head.
“No,” he gets out and he hates himself a little bit for how his voice shakes.
“No what?” Nie Mingjue asks, a small frown now on his face and Jiang Cheng gets up from the couch to put some distance between them.
He wants nothing more than to repeat what they just did, but he knows they can’t. Right now there’s still a chance they can somehow salvage this; if they continue then that will be lost as well.
“You’re confused,” Jiang Cheng says and presses his hand to his mouth. “You didn’t mean to do that, I know,” he reassures Nie Mingjue, tries to somehow make this situation more bearable, but he can tell that Nie Mingjue is not convinced by anything he says.
“I’m giving you an out here,” Jiang Cheng hisses when Nie Mingjue tries to reach for him again, and Nie Mingjue shakes his head.
“I don’t want an out, Wanyin,” he says. “I am not confused and I absolutely meant to do that,” Nie Mingjue tells him and Jiang Cheng’s stomach drops.
So it will be like with Lan Xichen; he will be happy for a short while only to lose everything in the end.
“This is the worst decision you have ever made in your life,” Jiang Cheng tells him and he watches as Nie Mingjue’s face falls.
“You’re not a terrible decision, Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue tells him, but Jiang Cheng shakes his head.
“Of course I am. I am the worst decision. You should ask Xichen all about it, I bet he has many a thing to say about that.”
“Yes, he does, actually,” Nie Mingjue says, and Jiang Cheng was not prepared for how that hurts. “He warned me that it would be hard,” Nie Mingjue goes on, but before he can even properly finish that sentence, Jiang Cheng scoffs.
“If it’s so hard to love me, why even try? Don’t strain yourself on my account,” he hisses out but Nie Mingjue shakes his head.
“He said it would be hard to make you understand. To make you believe that I love you.”
“Hard enough that he’d rather not have anything to do with that at all,” Jiang Cheng presses out. “Maybe you should take his example and get out while you still can.”
“Wanyin, it didn’t work out between you because sometimes it just doesn’t. It has nothing to do with how lovable you are or if Xichen was willing to put in work. Sometimes it’s just not right.”
“And sometimes I’m just too much trouble.”
“No offense, but I think the most trouble in my life is Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue says with a wry smile and it’s surprising enough of a joke that it startles a laugh out of Jiang Cheng. “You’re welcome to try for second place, though.”
Jiang Cheng understands what Nie Mingjue is doing; he’s subtly letting him know that even though Nie Huaisang is the most trouble in his life, Nie Mingjue still values him above everything, but it’s not the same for Jiang Cheng.
There are blood ties tying Nie Mingjue and Nie Huaisang together; it would be different with Jiang Cheng.
“Let me love you,” Nie Mingjue says when Jiang Cheng kept silent for too long. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
There are a billion things that can happen but only one worth speaking out loud: “I’m going to lose you and Huaisang when this inevitably ends.”
“And you think that after everything that already happened we can just go back to normal?” Nie Mingjue curiously asks and Jiang Cheng realizes with a sinking feeling that no matter what Nie Mingjue’s answer to that is, his is no.
Nie Mingjue talked about love; Jiang Cheng will not ever forget that and he will not be able to be just friends.
“Then what’s the harm in trying?” Nie Mingjue asks, clearly reading the thought right off Jiang Cheng’s face.
“The harm is that I end up with a broken heart again,” Jiang Cheng hisses, but he sees Nie Mingjue’s logic and his self-preservation instinct isn’t strong enough to simply walk away from this now.
“Maybe you’re going to break my heart,” Nie Mingjue says with a shrug. “Or maybe we end up very happy, all hearts unbroken.”
It’s a nice thought, that, but Jiang Cheng thinks it’s highly unlikely that he should end up that lucky.
But maybe Nie Mingjue is right. Maybe Jiang Cheng should take this chance, even if he does end up unhappy; at least then his pain will have meaning instead of simply breaking everything off now.
“Fine,” Jiang Cheng huffs out after long moments of deliberation but Nie Mingjue shakes his head.
“Fine what? You didn’t yet say how you feel about me,” he says and Jiang Cheng knows him well enough to see the teasing glint in his eyes.
“Fuck you,” Jiang Cheng says with feeling, but then he steps closer to Nie Mingjue. “You know how I feel.”
“Do I?” Nie Mingjue asks, tilting his head in consideration. “It seems to have slipped my mind. You should remind me.”
Nie Mingjue is already 100% more asshole than Lan Xichen ever was and Jiang Cheng has to admit that he’s delighted by that.
“I’m in love with you,” he admits, almost easily with that new revelation, and Nie Mingjue rewards him with a huge smile and a sweet kiss.
Jiang Cheng figures that this is worth it, just for that combination.
(When they pass their one, five, ten year anniversary Nie Mingjue very pointedly does not verbally tell him “I told you so”. He saves that up for the wedding.)