Chapter Text
“... I don’t think I’ve got it in me to get that scared about something that could be good.”
And Shelby already knew she was falling for this girl when she uttered “I’m sure” not even twenty-four hours ago, but the deep surge of affection she feels for Toni in this moment burns even hotter than the scorching island sun.
She can’t not touch Toni right now.
Acutely aware that there are six sets of eyes that could glance up to the bluff at any moment and catch sight of them, Shelby reaches out to caress Toni’s ponytail— to gauge how much anxiety spikes through her at the thought that someone —even as accepting as she knows the girls will be— might see this moment. Evidently, with the way Toni leans her cheek into Shelby’s palm and smiles oh so softly, Shelby finds that in this moment, she simply does not care who could be watching.
So, with less hesitation than anything she’s done in a long while, Shelby leans forward to press her lips against Toni’s.
And Toni kisses her back, gently, reaching out to rest her hand on Shelby’s cheek, keeping the blonde close even as she breaks the kiss to smile.
Shelby lets out a tiny whine, chasing Toni’s lips, pressing several light kisses to Toni’s smile, until the other girl returns her kisses once again.
It feels different than their previous kisses, at least to Shelby. She thinks maybe these kisses have a certainty about them that wasn’t there before. They’ve both let down several emotional walls during this conversation, surely, Shelby contemplates as she shifts even closer to Toni, touching her shoulders, neck, cheek, any and every part of Toni that she can in this moment. Maybe kissing someone that you care for and who cares for you in return, is different than the tentative nature of their other encounters. Because as scared as Shelby still is inside, she will not deny herself this pleasure. Because Toni is right, this could be good. It is good. Shelby has ruined a lot of good in her life, and she knows Toni has too. But that is honestly the reason that she thinks this, them , might actually work out. They both accept and acknowledge that they have the capacity to absolutely shatter each other, but there is a trust between them now, too. A trust that they will do everything they can in order to not harm each other in the ways they’ve harmed others in the past.
“We should get back before the others come looking for us,” Toni says softly after she has fully lost count of how long they’ve been up there, practically making out right out in the open for any of their nosy island companions to see.
Shelby sighs, but gives one final, long, soft kiss to Toni’s lips before leaning back completely from their little bubble. “Yeah.”
Toni smiles, rising to her feet slowly, and reaching out a hand to pull Shelby up as well.
Shelby eagerly accepts the unneeded assistance, squeezing Toni’s hand once before letting go.
They start walking, slow, close enough that their arms brush with almost every step they take.
Shelby basks in the calmness she isn’t sure she’s ever felt before. “Toni?”
“Hmm?” Toni glances at the girl next to her.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Just-” Shelby pauses, trying to articulate how grateful she is for the way Toni has reassured her today. “Just, thank you , Toni. You’ve done so much for me today. More than you know.”
“Well, that’s what girlfriends are for I guess,” Toni smiles, then frowns. “Sorry, I don’t mean to assume…”
“No,” Shelby grins. “I think after yesterday, after today… Girlfriend is the right word for this. Us.”
Toni matches Shelby’s grin with one of her own. “ Us ,” she muses quietly. “Who would’ve thought all it would take was a plane crash for me to finally feel happy?”
“Certainly wasn’t in my plans to get my first girlfriend on a deserted island,” Shelby laughs. “I guess God knew this would be the only way for us to make it this far. I don’t think a long weekend in Hawaii would’ve been nearly enough time for me to get to this point. Especially not knowing I’d be going right back to my church, to my parents. I mean, I guess if we ever get outta here, I still will be.”
“Hey,” Toni grabs Shelby’s hand the next time their arms brush. “It’s been twenty-three days, Shelb. Maybe we’ll get rescued tomorrow, maybe we’ll never get off this damn island, but whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together. You, me, and those batshit girls down on the beach. They’re our family now, like it or not. But, just between you and me, I think I’m starting to like it.”
“Even Rachel and Fatin?” Shelby gives a cheeky smile.
“Even them,” Toni confirms.
“I don’t think I’m ready for everyone to know just yet,” Shelby says quietly after a few moments.
“That’s okay,” Toni gives their joined hands a squeeze. “We’ve got nothing but time here, Shelby. This can be between just you and me for as long as you need. But none of the girls are gonna be upset about this. Hell, they’ll probably be glad you’re not actually a raging homophobe.”
Shelby laughs, because she knows Toni is right. “Fatin already sorta knows, though.”
Toni raises an eyebrow. “Of course she does. Anyone ever teach you about gaydar, Princess?”
And even though Toni uses the nickname in the same teasing way she would’ve back in the early days, there is a distinct lack of malice behind the word that makes Shelby’s heart soar.
“That’s how…” Shelby chokes a little as she tries to say the word gay . “You think Fatin is…?”
Toni shrugs. “I think everybody on this island could be a little fruity.”
“ Fruity ?”
Toni rolls her eyes affectionately. “Queer, Shelbs. I wouldn’t be surprised if you and I aren’t the only ones who get together here. We’ll be the hottest couple to come off this island though, of course.”
“ Of course ,” Shelby mimics. “But, Fatin ? No, you know what, nevermind. I don’t want to gossip and suspect about any of the girls. It doesn’t feel right. I wouldn’t want them doing it about me, so we shouldn’t do it about them.”
“Fair enough,” Toni agrees. “Okay, so, Fatin knows about us?”
“She said somethin’ ‘bout knowin’ sexual tension when she sees it,” Shelby blushes, hoping her sunburnt cheeks hide it.
Toni laughs, loudly. “Fucking Fatin.”
Shelby smiles, pleased that Toni has taken this information in stride. “She said she wouldn’t say anything to the others though, and I believe her.”
“But the important thing is that she didn’t react poorly,” Toni points out. “I think that’s a good thing to remind yourself of in the coming days. Because I’m not gonna say anything about us to the other girls, but I can’t promise none of them will notice the way I look at you and make some inferences.”
“The way you look at me?” Shelby asks. And she has an idea of what Toni means, but she really wants to hear the other girl say it.
Toni halts their trek, using their still joined hands to tug Shelby to face her. She connects their gazes, letting her eyes say everything that she doesn’t know if she can say out loud yet. She’ll try, though, for Shelby. “I can’t help if every time I look at you I remember what you looked like naked under the lychee tree and get the intense urge to ravage you.” And, maybe it’s a little more crude than Toni means to be, but it’s honest. She can’t control the way her emotions shine through her eyes like little pools of truth betraying how she really feels in any given moment. “You’re gorgeous, Shelby. That’s what I’m trying to say, I think. You’re so fucking gorgeous and now you’re mine and I don’t think I can disguise that in my eyes.”
Shelby always hated when Andrew would say she was “his girl” like he owned her or some fucked up shit along those lines. But the way Toni said that Shelby is hers doesn’t feel unsettling at all. It feels right. It feels like a promise. “Well a’right then Casanova, I guess we’ll have to hope our friends are as blind as the bats in this island’s caves.”
“Maybe they’ll think I’m just glaring at you,” Toni offers. “Like before.”
“You don’t gotta pretend to still hate me. I don’t want our wires to get crossed playin’ that game of deceit. I think we’ve been doin’ an okay job of keepin’ our cool around the others ever since I first kissed you. No reason to believe we can’t keep that up. Just until… Well I don’t know what, exactly, but it won’t be for forever.”
Toni doesn’t say that things are different now than they were in the days following their first kiss. Now she has intimate knowledge of Shelby’s body and soul that no one else on Earth has ever had access to, which presents a very interesting obstacle in Toni trying to straddle the line between i-sort-of-dont-hate-shelby-anymore and i-have-made-shelby-orgasm-with-my-mouth in front of the other six girls on the island. She had done fine earlier today, with Shelby distracted with butchering the goat, and Toni herself distracted by Marty’s clear turmoil. But going forward Toni has no fucking clue how she’s going to manage some sort of casualness with Shelby that won’t give them away.
Instead of voicing her worries that might spook Shelby, Toni says, “can I get one last kiss before we rejoin the chaos?”
“Well of course,” Shelby grins.
And “one last kiss” turns into them once again nearly making out, but luckily none of the girls decide to wander into the forest at that exact moment, and Toni and Shelby cross the threshold between forest and beach as inconspicuously as possible.
“There y’all are!” Dot says from her spot right by the fire. “We were about to send out a search party in case y’all decided to kill each other.”
“We just ran into each other in the woods and decided to head back together before it got dark,” Toni offers casually.
Shelby makes her way over to Fatin, who is smirking but thankfully keeps any inappropriate comments to herself. She plops down onto the sand next to her friend. And, God , Shelby has actual friends now. And a girlfriend , who kicks off her sneakers and settles on a log across the fire from where Shelby now sits.
“It feels so good to be full,” Fatin practically purrs, stretching out her limbs in a cat-like manner and then collapsing against Shelby’s side.
And oh , not only does Shelby have friends now, but she has friends that are comfortable enough to engage in casual physical contact. She hasn’t had this since Becca, and while that fact stings, Fatin’s warmth and the soft pressure where their limbs meet is nice . And Fatin knows . She knows Shelby is-- That Shelby is gay . And she doesn’t give a single fuck about it, in the best way. Shelby doesn’t think she could ever have even dreamed about such a simple acceptance, but here Fatin is, curling against her side, bony elbow jabbing Shelby’s ribs with not even a second thought that she’s basically cuddling with a girl who is attracted to other girls.
“I second that,” Dot agrees heartily. “And I’ve been thinkin’ that if there’s one goat on this island, there’s likely more. So I wanna organize a hunting party in the next couple of days to see if we can’t find a couple others. We can’t let ourselves go without food for so long again.”
The rest of the girls seem to agree with that plan. None of them want to be on the brink of death due to starvation again if they can instead be proactive with their food sources.
“I think maybe I might be able to figure out a way to smoke what’s left of the goat, or anything else we find, so it’ll last longer out here,” Shelby chips in.
“On the Res we had a workshop about preserving big game without salt,” Toni offers, “maybe I can help.”
Martha rolls her eyes. “You never paid attention to a single one of the workshops we went to.”
“Okay, well maybe I subconsciously absorbed some useful information,” Toni says, feeling the beginnings of her anger bubbling at Martha’s accusatory tone. She reminds herself that Martha is going through something right now after having killed the goat, and that she probably doesn’t mean to have sounded so harsh.
“Is that something we should be doing tonight or can it wait until tomorrow?” Rachel asks.
“Ideally as soon as possible,” Shelby glances up at the sky, blue mixing with the pink, purple, and orange of the island’s typically beautiful sunset. “Maybe we can make something quick tonight to start the process and adapt it when we catch more food.”
“Does that mean you’re gonna get up and leave me cold and alone?” Fatin grumbles in her usual endearingly exaggerated manner.
“I think me and Toni can handle it, so you’ll still have five other cuddle-buddy options.”
Fatin sits up on her own, allowing Shelby to slip away, Toni following closely behind. Fatin spreads her arms wide, presenting herself. “Alright, who wants me?”
And if nothing else, Fatin can pride herself on always making the girls laugh in this hellscape. Her next target ends up being Leah, who is now the closest girl to Fatin.
“Okay, Rilke. Guess it’s your turn,” Fatin crawls over and deposits herself into Leah’s lap.
“Um, okay,” Leah fumbles awkwardly before wrapping her arms loosely around Fatin’s waist.
“I miss sleeping on a bed,” Fatin mumbles.
“Maybe we should try and weave together sleeping mats or something,” Nora suggests.
“Bet there was a workshop on the Res for that, huh Martha?”
Martha simply shrugs.
“Okay then, for the next couple of days we’ll split into two groups. A few of us will hunt, and whoever remains at camp will watch over the meat smoking and weave some beds for us,” Dot decides. “Sound okay to you guys?”
“As long as I don't have to hike through the woods, I’m all for it,” Fatin says.
“Anyone else have a preference?” Dot asks.
“I’m all for joining the hunting party,” Rachel says.
“Me too,” Leah adds. “I’ll get antsy if I have to sit around on the beach all day.”
“Question is now, is our fourth member gonna be Toni or Shelby?”
“Toni or Shelby, what?” Toni asks as she and Shelby rejoin the group once again, this time with a crude imitation of what seems to be a meat smoking rack.
“Hunting duty,” Dot explains. “Me, Rachel, and Leah already decided to go. You or Shelby will fill the last spot.”
Toni frowns at the prospect of being separated from Shelby for such an extended period of time. “I’ll go.”
“I’m the only one with actual hunting experience though,” Shelby points out.
“You’re also the only one who knows shit about smoking meat. Once you teach Nora and Marty how to do it, then you graduate to hunting,” Toni says.
Shelby rolls her eyes. “Who died and put you in charge of me? Hmm?”
“Woah there, guys,” Dot cuts in, feeling an argument brewing. “We’ll obviously all end up doing everything at some point. No need to worry about who does what first, ‘kay?”
“Let me get to work on slicing up the rest of the goat real thin so it’ll smoke easier. Then I think I’ll turn in for the night if that’s alright with you, boss?” She sends a pointed look to Toni.
“Wouldn’t want you to miss out on any beauty sleep. Obviously you need it,” Toni smirks.
And to everyone else, it seems like their usual bickering, but the duo themselves, and maybe a half-asleep Fatin might hear the lack of malice and notice that instead of arguing their verbal sparring is now more akin to flirting .
“Someone should probably stay up and keep an eye on the meat throughout the night,” Shelby says while hanging strips of goat onto the rack she and Toni had assembled to hang over the fire.
“I can take the first shift,” Leah offers. “I won’t be able to fall asleep for a while anyways. Just tell me what I need to watch for?”
“You can wake me up when you need to rest and I’ll take the second shift,” Nora says.
“Great!” Shelby grins brightly in the dusky light of the fire. “Well, I’m gonna go ahead and scrub my hands in the ocean real quick and then off to bed I go!”
“I’ll walk with you down to the water. Could use the chilly sea breeze after such a long day,” Toni stands up as well.
“Don’t you two be plottin’ to drown each other now,” Dot laughs out a warning.
Toni gracefully flips her off as she and Shelby head toward the ocean.
“Can’t keep yourself away from me, huh?” Shelby teases once they’re out of earshot of the other girls.
“Not when we’re gonna spend all night and all of tomorrow apart,” Toni shrugs honestly.
“Already used to sleepin’ next to me after just one night?” Shelby smirks.
“I think we already established that there simply isn’t close enough when it comes to my need for you. Except maybe, you know, inside .”
“Toni!” Shelby feels her cheeks heating up.
They reach the edge of the water, and Shelby crouches down to scrub the goat’s blood off of her hands.
“I don’t think anyone suspects anything so far,” Toni says casually, letting the gentle waves lap at her bare feet.
“Yes, you’ve been very well behaved tonight,” Shelby agrees. “Loved that line about me needing my beauty sleep. Real classy.”
“Figured I should knock you down a few pegs in front of the girls so they don’t notice a change,” Toni shrugs. “You know I think you’re incredibly sexy, especially when you’re up late partaking in activities that waste precious sleep time.”
“ Toni ,” Shelby groans. “You’re gonna be the death of me, woman.”
Toni just laughs in response.
“Okay, look the other way for a minute I’m gonna rinse my retainer while we’re here,” Shelby says.
“Yes, ma’am,” Toni dutifully turns around and stares up the beach towards their friends around the fire. “Can you keep an eye on Marty tomorrow here at camp? Something's been off with her since the goat, and I’m worried.”
Shelby clicks her retainer back into place and then puts a hand on Toni’s shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze. “Yeah, I’ll keep an eye out for her. You be safe with that huntin’ though, ‘kay?”
“Aw, you worry about me?” Toni’s voice is teasing, but her eyes are sincere. “Of course I will. I’ll even try to keep Rachel and Leah from brawling and scaring all our food away.”
“Look at you, Shalifoe, going from picking fights to preventing them. That’s growth,” Shelby grins, beginning to walk back.
“Yeah, well a really hot girl cooled my temper a bit and now I can do this thing called rational thinking. Pretty wild concept for me, but I gotta say I like the reward for being good.”
“And what would that be?” Shelby raises an eyebrow.
“Guess you’ll have to get me alone at some point and you’ll find out,” Toni offers a smirk and a wink and absolutely nothing else as they almost return to earshot of their friends. “Goodnight Shelby.”
“G’night, Toni. Sleep well,” Shelby whispers.
“I’d sleep better by your side, but I’ll manage on my own,” Toni gives a sweet smile before they go their separate ways for the night.