Chapter Text
It wasn't expected. The change. The moment when best friends became nothing more than passing strangers. Nothing linking them except for high school memories and an ocean of uncertainty kept them apart. Maybe he should've said something. Maybe he should've held tighter.
----
Bakugou didn't realize it at first. Things were so busy during their third year at UA. Planning for their futures as heroes was chaotic and there wasn't much time between class and preparations for fun. When he did notice the strong grip that once saved his life from the League of Villains slowly loosening he said nothing. His own goddamn pride made sure of it. When he noticed the smiles that were once bright and full of life slowly turning into soft lip tugs he said nothing. The daily study sessions slowly became less frequent until there were no more. Bakugou was so good at tutoring that Kirishima was passing every test and no longer needed them-- or so the red head claimed-- but Bakugou saw the score he received on his last math exam.
Bakugou retreated back to his room after class. He changed from his uniform to more comfortable clothes and then sighed heavily dropping into the chair at his desk. Stress was a common feeling now and working seemed to be his only distraction nowadays. He used to spend hours with Kirishima and the other nerds. They'd gather in the common room and "study" together. It became a routine. School. Study. Video Games. Dinner. Repeat. If they weren't talking to each other in person their phones were blowing up. Now he sat at his desk twirling his pencil between fingers and stared out the window. No loud sounds except for the cooling system in his computer and his phone was silent. Bright sunlight leaked through the curtains and into his dim-lit room, he unconsciously remembered that Kirishima and Ashido were outside in front of the dorms doing yoga but he refused to visually confirm that fact.
The quietness of his room welcomed him as an old friend and he wished it didn’t. Over the years he got used to the loud noises and snorting laughter. His screaming matches between Ashido over his messy and intimidating appearance that happened almost every time they went out. He missed cheers from Jiro and Sero as he demolished Kaminari in Mario Kart. He missed calm nights with Jiro under the stars. He missed Sero’s blunt but kind honesty towards him. Most of all he missed the light laughter from Kirishima. Missed pairing up during class. His words of encouragement. His--
"Stop. Shut up." He muttered, trying to snap himself out of his thoughts.
Bakugou shook his head and he stood suddenly as a pit filled his stomach. He hopped lightly on his toes trying to shake the feeling of dread and self-hatred from his brain. When that didn't work he dropped and started racking out push-ups, he could feel himself sweat slightly but the intrusive thoughts were still swimming in his brain. He began to recite the English phonetic alphabet. Alpha. Bravo. Charlie. Delta. Echo...
----
He was eventually able to push out his overwhelming thoughts and finish his school work. He laid in his bed, debating on what to do with his free time. It was only 7pm, still too early to go to sleep. He hadn't eaten since lunch but he knew they were down there. Probably laughing, unaware of how he was feeling, or maybe they were aware and they just hated him now.
Kirishima was the only one completely avoiding him. The others still talked to him, but it wasn't like before. Even Kaminari (who always liked playing jokes on Bakugou as if he enjoyed greeting death) seemed to have a slight hesitation between sentences and friendly smiles. Jiro was the only normal one around him. They'd get together on the weekends sometimes to play music together. Her on the guitars and him on drums. They had started doing that some time after their first school festival. But they never talked about the others. Bakugou never brought it up, he was too scared. Of what she’d say and probably of what she wouldn’t say. Maybe the small talk with the others was just a formality now, maybe they’d ignore him in a couple weeks like Krishima.
-Of course they will. They’re Kirishima’s friends, not yours -
“Stop." Bakugou say up quickly and threw himself off his bed. His thoughts were creeping up on him again. Dinner it was.
He walked out of his room and towards the kitchen. He could hear them shouting in the common room but he heard some other laughs mixed in. Deku and Todoroki.
He saw them all huddled around the common room table playing card games. Ashido was sitting on Kirishima's lap, the two of them laughing. He felt a strange tug in his chest.
-Raplaceable-
No. Kirishima and Ashido have been friends since middle school, this had nothing to do with him.
Bakugou saw Kaminari try to sneak a peak at Jiro's cards only to get stabbed by her ear jacks. Sero high-fived Jiro. Deku laughed along, softly. Over the years Bakugou was less aggravated around Deku. He could still suck it though. Todoroki paid little attention, eyes glued to his cards as if he was willing for better ones. They didn't notice him walk up.
Deku was the first to look up at him. "Oh, hey Kacchan. Done studying? Wanna play?"
Bakugou pretended to not see Kirishima and Ashido share a look from his peripheral vision. "No," he tried to say with as much boredom and venom he could muster, "'m just gettin' food." With that he turned towards the kitchen, grabbed some leftovers Momo had left for him and walked back up to his dorm.
- Do you hear them whispering about you? -
----
Bakugou doesn't cry. And if he does it's rare. If he cries it's because something has been twisting at his heart and flooding his brain every moment of his godforsaken life. He could count the amount of times he’s cried on one hand. So no, he doesn’t cry, he’s not going to. This isn’t something you cry over.
There was a knock on his door. He was already in bed, though sleep was far from him.
"Kacchan?"
Ugh.
"Kacchan, are you awake?"
He begrudgingly got up from his bed and cracked his door open. "What do you want, Nerd?" He tried to make it come off harsh, but his voice was only barely above a whisper. God, he sounded tired. Since when did being alone make him tired?
Deku looked at him through the small crack, his eyes hinted with worry. "Can we talk?"
"No."
- Grumpy-
Deku gave him a sad smile, "Y'know, me asking was only a formality. You don't really get a choice."
He grunted and opened the door all the way letting Deku walk in. Deku had grown taller over the years at UA, and he was definitely bulkier, they all were. He wore an All Might sweatshirt Uraraka had given him last year and it was already a little small.
Bakugou sat down on his bed. He wished Deku would leave so he could just sleep, though even then he wouldn’t be able to anyways. But no, the nerd sat on the red bean bag chair in his room. It used to be Kirishima's, but he left so smoothly that Bakugou didn't know how to return it.
The two boys sat in awkward silence. Every blue moon, Bakugou would get in a mood and if for whatever reason Kirishima wasn't there to get him out of his head, Deku was there to do it instead. Though, it happened very rarely which meant this situation was very awkward. But Bakugou wasn't the one who wanted to talk so as annoyed as he was, he wasn't going to start the conversation.
"So," Deku said, clearing his throat, "I kinda sorta noticed that you aren't really talking to- to Kirishima."
Bakugou scoffed, "Wow, great observation skills you got there stalker. Did you know that Aizawa-senei was the pro hero Eraserhead too?"
- Aggressive. Uncooperative -
"Bakugou.”
That sent chills down his spine. He slowly met Deku's eyes. They were sincere but clearly lacking any patience for his bullshit.
Deku sighed, "I wanna help, Kacchan. You look miserable, and don’t try to say otherwise, I know you. I don't know what's going on but your stubborn ass isn't going to fix it without me butting in. Clearly."
Bakugou bit the inside of his cheek. Deku was right. He'd been ignoring this for a while. Since he first started noticing it, but Deku didn't need to know every detail of his life. He didn't need to butt in. Bakugou could handle it, he could deal with it on his own.
- Detached -
No he couldn’t.
"I don't really... know what's going on either" Bakugou admitted, he was thoroughly confused about the situation, "It kinda just... happened?"
Bakugou will admit that in his first year at UA he was emotionally stunted. He had no idea how to make friends and no intention of learning. He was going to be number one, and you can't be number one with distractions. But then he met Kirishima, who showed him that maybe friends were okay. Then came along the rest of the group and he had begun to realize that maybe it wasn't all so bad. They were patient with him and helped him understand his emotions, and he appreciated that, even if they were annoying fucks. They helped him understand that being vulnerable didn’t mean you were weak. He still had his moments where he didn't understand complex emotions, but he thought he was good enough with this shit to know when things were gonna turn to hell.
"We were best friends," Bakugou whispered, unable to trust his own voice, the thoughts were coming back, "Everything was fine and then it wasn't. One minute I'm talking to him-- to all of them-- as if we were childhood friends-"
- Combative. Narrow-minded -
Bakugou stopped. He shook his head. No, not right now. He isn't going to cry. He took a deep breath, "I saw him drifting, but it was so slow that I didn't fucking think anything of it. I thought maybe he was just busy with, y'know, pro hero shit." Deku nodded like he understood. "Then one day I walked up to him after class and he just fucking walked right past me, like I didn't exist. Next day, same thing."
He stood up, throwing his hands up and nearly shouted, "And I didn't know what the fuck was going on so I just stopped talking to him too."
He ignored how his voice cracked when he said that last part. He ignored the tightness in his chest, the scattered thoughts, the weird urge to run three miles but also to collapse on ground in exhaustion. His jaw had a weird shaking feeling, and his hands were cold. He ignored it. Like he'd been ignoring everything else.
It was quiet for a little bit. Bakugou stood there, trying not to show how anxious he was while Deku collected his thoughts. It was hard though, wasn't this little shit supposed to help? Wasn't that supposed to happen when you vent? Someone was supposed to help, right?
"H-have you talked to him since?"
This isn't help.
- Selfish -
Bakugou groaned, "I tried to... sorta."
Deku looked at him and lifted an eyebrow, "What do you mean 'sorta'?"
"I mean I texted him, he ignored me every time I'd try to talk to him in person." Stupid fuck was really good at losing Bakugou in a crowd, even with that ridiculously shitty red hair.
"And?"
Bakugou squeezed his eyes shut as he felt another twist in his chest and mumbled, "A-and... he sorta... fucking... blocked me."
- Alone -
"Oh."
Oh??
"Stupid, fucking Deku," Bakugou growled, now he was yelling, "You're supposed to help right? I tell you my shit and my feelings and you're supposed to help. That's how it works. Now fix it, fucking fix it." He grabbed Deku by the collar of his sweatshirt and held him up until they were face-to-face. Deku’s eyes were wide but it looked like he had expected this. "I don't tell you my shit unless I think you can fix it, so fucking do what you do best, butt in and fucking help me."
-Explosive. Impatient -
The tight grip on the collar loosened slightly. His slight mania was gone now. He didn't feel like running three miles or even one, he felt like sleeping until he didn't wake up anymore. He mumbled an apology before letting go of Deku and collapsing back on his bed. He let out a shaky breath, put his head in his hands and rubbed his scalp. Ashido used to massage his scalp, when he got overly aggravated. The first time she did she gasped softly. He thought he did something wrong, but she was only surprised by how soft his hair was.
"What did I do?" Bakugou whispered, "Am I really still that fucking horrible? Am I still a bad friend? W-was I ever good?"
- Bully. Power hungry. Cruel -
Deku sat next to him. "No. You're not bad, you've grown a lot since we got to UA. I can guarantee you that. You're still loud and a little rude but nothing like before. You care about your friends, and you want them to be the best they can be. I-I don't know why he's ignoring you, but I can try to find out, maybe talk to him for you."
Bakugou let out a shaky breath and nodded his head. Good, yeah, Kirishima would talk to Deku.
-Could anything really fix you? Fix this?-
"It wouldn't bother me so much if he had said something," Bakugou whispered, "But he left without saying anything and that's what fucking pisses me off. The rest of them don’t act normal either. And I have no idea if it's something I did, or if he just... I don't know."
He was tired. The whispers in his head were persistent and no matter how hard he tried to ignore them, they always came back, dragging him down. Maybe they were right, maybe he was terrible. But this was so unlike Kirishima-- unlike any of them-- to just stop talking to him, to leave without so much as a notice. And Deku said he was better. So he had to be, right?
Deku sighed and wrapped his arms around Bakugou. Bakugou tensed up, it was an awkward attempt at a hug, but Deku's next words made him break.
"I'm here. No matter what you still got me."
Bakugou felt his heart in his throat and squeezed his eyes shut, only to picture a face with a bright toothy grin and shitty red hair reaching out to him.
So yeah, he can count the amount of times he's cried on two hands.